Writing Feedback / Australians who attended to muscle building exercises - by gender and age - IELTS1 [4]

@Tony999
Hi, welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback helps you as you are learning for the test.

Firstly, try to restructure your sentences in a way that would restrict less your writing. When we take a look at your first paragraph, from the get go, there's that immediate understanding that you lacked prioritization and usage of punctuation. You don't necessarily always have to comply with a standardized writing approach. Instead, what you could have opted for was a more subtle glance to the topic.

As I always tell others, prioritizing information is critical when writing. The first paragraph already had too much bulkiness in its overall content, causing the readers to perhaps be confused with the delivery. What I primarily suggest is trying to stick with what you think is important. You don't necessarily have to mention all of the small details that are in the graph; you need to create a more concrete analysis that's based off of them.

Graduate / My elder brother has great impact on my life - influential person essay [3]

@saeed147
Welcome here. We always like seeing new people come into the forum. I hope this feedback becomes beneficial for you.

Firstly, while the background information cited in the first paragraph was necessary to establish a communicative partnership with the readers, you definitely needed to insert the part regarding your brother from here. It came midway of the paragraph instead of in the very first sentences. Bear in mind that, from the get-go, there should already be clarity on the general theme of the essay.

The second paragraph of the essay, while it was great in giving specific details about your journey, it certainly lacked being more put-together as a paragraph in an essay. Consider that you need to prioritize information instead of jamming everything into one phrasing.

Writing Feedback / The Red River Delta And Reasons Why It Is An Ideal Place For Rice-exporting [2]

@Havanle
Hey, welcome back to the forum! I hope this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more input.

From the get-go, there was lack of clarity in the introductory portion of the essay. The first sentence should immediately be about the location - if that's what the topic of the paragraph or section is. Having this dedicated approach to how it should be written would give you leverage.

Furthermore, when it came to the central portion of the essay where you had described more about the mapping of the Red River Delta, you were inconsistent with the placement of information. On one end, you had already been tackling how vital water is - on the other side, you were already focused on other minute details. Bear in mind that you need to have a more dedicated and structured approach. Take your time to prioritize information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - public transport, money on faster or other priorities [2]

@thunguyen92
Hi there. Thanks for approaching us again! I'll be happy to assist you in going through this essay.

First and foremost, I appreciate the straightforward approach in the first paragraph. You were effective in translating your opinion against the thread of reality that your writing is dealing with.

However, I do recommend trying to compartmentalize your body paragraphs. If we take a look at the second paragraph, we're faced with numerous irrelevancies throughout. The second to third sentence could have been merged into a smaller chunk of text. Alongside this, the example utilized was ineffective in supporting the thesis statement. Try to accommodate to this by ensuring that the example is closer to the major thought of the essay.

The same goes for the second paragraph.

Conclusive paragraphs should be more than merely giving a final opinion or verdict on the essay's analysis. Instead, take this opportunity to discuss the rationale in a different level. Communicate why you think that investing in other means is better than fastening the speed.

Scholarship / Learning from leaders - Chevening scholarship [4]

@RITAH
Hey, welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing endeavors.

Firstly, the introductory paragraph was lacked proper organization. It would be better if there was a clearer delineation and transition between the logical links. Taking a look at it in greater detail, you may observe that you needed to incorporate more structure and precision with your wording. You started off the writing with mentioning that you are afraid to be a leader. However, the conclusive remarks of this paragraph led to your experience being engaged in extra-curriculum activities. You could have cut it off from the second to the last sentence instead of dragging it further.

Furthermore, the second paragraph lacks substance. The second sentence here appears to be rather a run-on sentence than an bold statement about your endeavors.

When you're describing yourself, try to avoid excessively using adjectives. Instead, it would be beneficial if you could mention specific instances that would reflect these traits/values for you.

Writing Feedback / How the Australian Bureau of Meteorology gathers up-to-the minute information on the climate [3]

@katori
Hello! Welcome to the forum. I'm here to hopefully provide you with feedback that'll be helpful for your writing. I wish you a continuous best of luck as you're learning!

Firstly, I think that the introductory paragraph is sufficient already. You had a clear demonstration of your thoughts, making it easier for the readers to know what to anticipate next in the writing.

What I would recommend, for the second paragraph, is to focus more on having necessary and relevant spacing throughout. As noticeable, the second paragraph appears to be rather cluttered and lacks appropriate pauses. Take a glance at the first sentence. It was noticeable how you could have separated this portion into two various parts. If you are able to do this, it'll make your writing easier to digest for the readers.

Furthermore, the portion that starts with 'eventually' could have been utilized as a proper conclusive remark for the writing. It could have been better if you attempted to have a more sophisticated approach to the whole idea. If you, for instance, capped it properly by saying that this is the method of transmission for forecasts and left it at that, it would have been a better option for you.

Undergraduate / UBC personal profile - who am I? My natural ability and determination. [2]

@celinehb
Hey, welcome to the forum. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this writing. I hope this somehow helps you!

Firstly, the written text lacks a bit of emphasis on the general theme of the work. While I noticed that you had an ambiguous sentence as your front runner in the discussion, you still could have opted for a more straightforward approach to the text. Consider talking immediately about the answer to the question posed instead of making a creative remark. This will help you crystallize the writing in a better light.

Moreover, the second paragraph needs to be more specific. While it was great that you had integrated all of these positive attributes, you lacked explaining what these are. What are these scholarship and competitions? Describe how you feel before and after experiencing all of this. If you can compose a more structure approach to this text, it would certainly be beneficial for the entirety of your writing.

Remember that being specific goes a long way.

Writing Feedback / People act differently when they wear different clothes. Do you agree or not? [4]

@Glearning
Hey, welcome back. I'm here to provide you with feedback on your essay. I hope this somehow helps you in your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more input.

Firstly, I appreciate the balanced approach of your writing. Looking into how you organized and categorized details, I can tell that you had already envisioned prior to writing how the output was going to turn out. This definitely becomes reflected in the final output.

My prime recommendation would be to avoid run-on sentences. From the second paragraph, I have noticed the lack of pauses and punctuation that can drive people away from your essay. What I would recommend is trying to tailor-fit everything into a more structured pattern to create a distinguishable essay.

Furthermore, the concluding paragraph can also be bettered if only you focused more on the derived sentiment from all of the details rather than just exposing a personal opinion or take on the writing. Bear this in mind at all times.

Graduate / Applying to Masters in Science in Anesthesia programs to become an Anesthesiologist Assistant [2]

@mad14f
Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing endeavors in the future. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more information.

The introductory paragraph of the essay is astonishing. I applaud how put-together this part of the content is, making your writing a lot more structured. What I would recommend is trying to pursue a more natural method of organizing your content. Think of it as though you are merely story-telling. This will naturalize your form of writing.

When you're trying to reiterate your professionalism by incorporating more detailed inputs into your writing, I heavily recommend that you focus more on primary details than on incorporating too many broad and vague emotional content. Keeping a clear-cut focus on how this relates to your profession is key.

The transition to the last paragraph is also lacking in emphasis. Try to skip all of the details that you've already mentioned and head-on straight to the reason why you deserve this. If you are able to do this, you'll have a more focused writing approach.

Writing Feedback / Benefits vs drawbacks - start their own business instead of working for company or organization [5]

@tandat
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing.

First and foremost, I agree with the prior comments that you should work on emphasizing the introduction and conclusion of the essay. Remember that, while the body is critical, having a balanced approach to writing will truly take you farther.

Furthermore, the flow of the entire writing needs to be worked on. It's quite noticeable how you had issues sorting out your thoughts, especially if we take a look at the second paragraph. What I would primarily suggest is taking a more step-by-step approach to all of this. Doing this would definitely be a smoother approach to the topic.

The examples you had given in the third paragraph need a bit more work. I heavily recommend trying to use more concrete data in this portion.

Writing Feedback / Famous sports athletes should earn a lot of money [2]

@renzito
Hey, welcome once again. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this essay. I hope this somehow helps you.

First and foremost, the introductory paragraph is excellent. Aside from the last sentence, I would retain the other portions as is, considering that there's nothing inherently wrong with the way that you uttered.

What I would mostly suggest is that, considering the latter portions of the essay, I heavily recommend that you to avoid having superficial observations for the key actors in your content. For instance, if we take a look at your third paragraph, the correlation between the second and the third sentence appeared to be unclear. Considering that you were unable to explain how exactly these remuneration is calculated. The more specific you are, the better.

Try to also be cautious with how you transition your sentences. Taking a look at the concluding paragraph, this would certainly help you.

Writing Feedback / Child- caring should be handle by relatives or child- caring centres. Discuss and give opinion [2]

@conchocon
Hi, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful to your learning of English. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach us once more.

Firstly, the introductory paragraph needs a little bit work to be more concrete. Take a look at the first sentence. Immediately, it is noticeable how you could have integrated more words that would have made up for a more concise written format. Instead, for example, of saying "more and more", you could have opted to say "increasing". These small replacements go a long way because of the limitations of the essay's length.

Furthermore, try working with more elaborate content. It would be better for your writing if you had incorporated more sophisticated examples. Doing this would have added more appeal to your writing in the long-run. Try replacing the content you've shared in the second paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Intro Paragraph of a Pros and Cons of Globalization essay help [2]

@Invisibledemon
Hey there, welcome to the forum.

Globalization does not need to be capitalized firstly. Others have done this for formality purposes, however it is generally not recommended to do so (or, rather, it isn't required).

In terms of the content that you currently have in the essay, I would recommend opting to start with a generalized introduction towards globalization as a key concept. Rather than putting it out here without thinking, it would be better if you had integrated a more sophisticated introduction that'll lure readers into your writing.

Furthermore, remember that when you're working with additional statistical data, try to add more analysis onto it. For instance, take a look at what you've done with the 1/50 wages data. Instead of expounding briefly what this means in the realm of trade, you jumped into accessibility of goods. Both of these are not correlated to each other, therefore readers would have difficulty following the flow of content. Bear in mind these small transitions. Remember point A should always lead to explanation A, not explanation B.

Book Reports / Sherman Alexie and Stephen King summary essay [2]

@isabella1234
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I'm here to provide you an extensive feedback on this essay. I hope that it somehow helps you in your writing endeavors.

The content of the first paragraph appears to be quite cluttered from the get-go. Notice how, instead of introducing a general theme for the written essay, you had already been focusing too much on details already. This should be reserved for the central part of the essay (body). Instead, what you could have done was incorporate more vivid discussions in the written work. For instance, try to just mention that you are about to expound on two essays from varied authors that have a central theme on writing. You may avoid discussing the titles, authors, and other small details.

The central portion of the essay also is quite imbalanced in content. Notice how you had leaped from one large chunk to a smaller centerpiece instead of merging both into a more comprehensive writing pattern. Remember that these small details are truly critical as you are writing.

The latter portions of the essay were sufficient, especially tackling the last two paragraphs. If you can work through this, I'm certain you'll build a sharper content.

Writing Feedback / The table illustrates data about changes in types of travel in Britain over a 15-year period [3]

@alice1426
Hey there, it's nice to see you around here again! I'm here to provide a comprehensive feedback on this essay. I hope that it assists you in your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, there were some unnecessary fillers that you had placed throughout the essay. While these are generally alright, when you're working with such word limitations, I would opt that you avoid them. For instance, the introductory phrasing of the first paragraph's initial sentence can be removed. While these may be small details in comparison to the rest of your content, they truly do impact your writing in the long-run.

Furthermore, be more consistent with your usage of capitalization. Bear in mind that you should have a more detailed approach to writing by this point. Small slip-ups such as this can immensely affect your writing.

Furthermore, the rest of the content could be improved by focusing more on a generalized analysis rather than nit-picking information.

Writing Feedback / Computer technology. Work and study from home. Positive or negative? [2]

@thunguyen92
Hey, welcome to the forum! I'm here to provide you with feedback on your writing. I hope this somehow helps you.

Firstly, the introductory portion is sufficient. I would only recommend that you utilize more practical terms that'll make your essay appear a lot more grounded. Doing this would definitely save you space and time in writing with efficiency. Take a glance at your first paragraph. There's certainly ways for you to compress the last sentence.

Furthermore, it would be better if you had more concrete examples that'll vividly demonstrate your thoughts and opinions. If we take a look at the second paragraph, you could have demonstrated properly by picturing how people can "take advantage of using computer". Instead of mentioning it like this, go direct to an example of how people have taken advantage of it. What are the ways that the computer has contributed to making our lives easier in the long-run? The same goes for the third paragraph.

The conclusive remarks were left at a rather stand-still mode. I would opt that you do not end your essay with vague sentences as it leaves more questions than it clarifies your content.

Writing Feedback / Essay camparion the influence of family and friends on teenagers [2]

@Kewtkewt
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you while you are learning. Don't be afraid to hit us up if you have more questions.

Firstly, the content appears to have too many citation details. While these are generally alright, it would be better for you if you had scattered them more. Bear in mind that putting everything into one spot essentially does not give you space to place your critical thoughts into the essay. After every citation, you should have at least one or two sentences that'll serve as your personalized input. Remember that you cannot merely put this away.

Furthermore, having a more balanced and organized approach to writing will bring you a long way. Remember that you should always try to capitalize on the potential of your writing through prioritizing and segregating the most important information (from the non-important ones). It is critical that you bear in mind how to distribute thoughts with keen insight.

The conclusion as well can be strengthened. Try to incorporate more key details derived from different parts of the text.

Writing Feedback / What is the difference between work and fun? [4]

@ayumiike
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback helps you in your writing endeavors. If it does somehow, don't be afraid to come back to us.

I'll try to move away from the specific feedback as the others have already provided this. Instead, I want to focus on giving general tips from my observations of your writing.

Generally, your writing lacks the academic proficiency that is often sought after. This is due to the lack of punctuation. A few of the sentences appeared to be cluttered because of the lack of transition words as well.

While you were able to incorporate as much detail as possible, your story-telling needs to be enhanced by adding more adjectives or descriptors. I've noticed how you had lacked depth primarily because of this reason. I heavily recommend that you focus on strengthening the way that you picture scenarios in your writing to have a more dedicated approach to writing.

Scholarship / Business administration major - I'm planning apply for KGSP 2020 scholarship [3]

@NurLiana
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. That's great that you're planning ahead - this will certainly help propel your application. I hope this comprehensive feedback can help you in your writing endeavors.

Spacing is critical when writing. This is not the regular spacing, but the pacing of your writing and the manner by which you separate your content from each other. Remember that paragraphs tend to avoid lasting more than 4 sentences. And this is for a good reason: maintaining a decent structure is critical for academic writing. Implement this with the first paragraph.

The transition between thought A and B needs work as well. Take, for instance, the first paragraph's introductory sentences. From tackling your childhood dream of partaking business administration courses, you immediately jumped into your aspirations for Korea. There was no mediation that could have helped make the transition a bit more smoother. Work on this as well.

Undergraduate / I am very dedicated to pursuing a career in computer science and Engineering; personal statement [4]

@jozaif12
Hello there! Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us. This will be a comprehensive take on your writing.

While I appreciate the introductory paragraph, you need to work a bit more on structure. I know I repeatedly mention structure, but this pertains primarily to your usage of run-on sentences and misused sentence lengths. The first paragraph could have been divided into three to four different sentences rather than just one cluster. Opt for this when you can.

Furthermore, the second paragraph appears to be quite cluttered in its composition. Try to focus on just one thought; and then, afterwards, you may separate another paragraph for the purpose of having a more organized approach to writing.

Best of luck as always.

Graduate / This SOP for The University of British Columbia delineates my whole life... [2]

@Musanna Galib
Hey there! Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback becomes helpful for your application to the program. I wish you the best of luck!

First and foremost, the first paragraph needs to be more organized and structured. I've noticed that from the get-go, you were unable to transition between the sentences with ease. You need to figure out the proper utilization of punctuation marks to assist you with this.

Despite of this, I find that the latter portions of your essay are quite put-together already. The only concern I have is mostly dedicated towards the length of your paragraphs. Try to prioritize the content of your writing a little bit more to help you with trimming down unnecessary information.

Scholarship / What if you can enter your favorite fictional world from a book, a game or a movie? What is it like? [3]

@thaotrang
Hey, welcome to the forum. I'm here to provide you with feedback on your writing. I hope that this feedback becomes helpful for you somehow.

First and foremost, the introductory paragraph is packed with details. While this is great, you need to work a bit more on the structure of your writing. Immediately, the first two sentences appeared to be rather cluttered. If you cannot work with complex compositions yet, I heavily recommend sticking with shorter and simpler content first to help you compartmentalize your thoughts. Immersing yourself in this writing style would definitely benefit you.

The manner in which you had structured the central body of your essay also needs to be more organized. You can't merely put everything into a cluster and hope that it flows. Try to be more specific with your writing. While I get that you were attempting to make numerous comparisons to showcase dedication, the pattern of writing appeared to be rather toorepetitive in some areas already.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task1 / Bar Chart / Percentage of Australian men and women doing regular physical activities [3]

@alice1426
Hey there, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors.

Firstly, be cautious of your articulation with regards to grammar. Remember to be consistent with your tenses. If you started the writing with present tense, avoid shifting briefly in past tense. These sudden shifts often do not translate well in terms of your professionalism in academic writing.

Try to also be more brief with the way that you utter. For instance, the third paragraph's introductory line could have been converted into something like: "In detail, we can observe that the figure for women exercising regularly increased with age. It reached a peak in their 50s at 53.3% before it fell at the age of 54." Separating complex sentences will minimize potential damage into your writing. Bear this in mind at all costs.

Scholarship / I think that good leaders are made, not born. Leadership and influence essay - Chevening Scholarship [3]

@Hassan91
Hey. It's great to see repetitive names on the platform. We love being able to assist you in these endeavors. I hope this feedback suits you!

Firstly, the introductory paragraph is great. If you can reformat this to be more structured (ie. simpler sentences, transition better, ensure that you are specifying more than being vague), it will be helpful to clarify to the evaluators the standard that you are imposing.

The two succeeding paragraphs afterwards are sufficient, I find. You were able to subtly talk about your successes and how you made it through. Keep this up!

I would appreciate if you had added more concrete details into the last two paragraphs, especially the second to the last. Despite how well-composed they are, they need to be more specific. For instance, when you talk about cultivating teamwork, you can talk briefly about an experience that you had that would reflect this.

Scholarship / KGSP Personal Statement - I'm applying for Computer Science and Engineering [2]

@catlover12
Hey, welcome to the forum. Best of luck in your applications for the KGSP! Aside from this, I hope that the feedback you receive here would somehow help.

I admire the straightforward approach in the first paragraph. The clarity in language and directness would certainly propel your application forward. My concern with the introductory portion was that the direction that it took after the thesis statement ended up being confusing. Notice how you were already talking heavily about South Korea itself as a country midway. You can evade these forms of semantics to give way for a more fruitful discussion.

The transition between the second and third paragraph also needs to be sorted out to be bettered. Observe how you did not even try to bring readers in a more smoother manner. Try adding transitional phrases such as "this brings us into" and so on. These would certainly help you find a more holistic approach to writing.

While it was great that you had dedicated space to talking about your proficiency in Japanese, it doesn't have a humongous impact on the writing because of the topic. Try to minimize these unnecessary portions to maximize the space you have for the evaluators to see your potential.

Scholarship / Questbridge - Describe an experience that caused you to change your perspective and/or opinion. [2]

@camkimble
Hey there! Here's a feedback for this essay. Best of luck in your application process!

If there is a dedicated number of words that you're specifically supposed to follow, I would understand the formatting. If not, I suggest spreading out the content a little bit more. Try to stick with the fundamental three paragraph format as this gives you wiggle room to expound on details. Remember that all of these parts have a clear focus because they dedicate space to a more structured and organized explanation of things.

Looking into the content that you do have now, I find that you could have done better with smaller chunks of sentences rather than clusters of thoughts. When you're story-telling, oftentimes the excessive language can interfere with the relaying of the message. Try to take your essay with more simplicity and see where it goes from there.

Scholarship / Questbridge National College Match - you and the context in which you have grown up [2]

@camkimble
Hello. Welcome back to the forum! This will be my feedback for your essay. I hope it somehow helps.

Firstly, I appreciate the story-telling in the very beginning of the essay. It was truly engaging. The manner of composition was also put-together, making the content easy to digest. Keep this up! Your writing is clear and clean - both traits that are often difficult to master.

Primarily, my suggest would center around the manner that you build your content. From my observation of the writing, you lacked having a more distinguished approach. Try to be more specific when you are bringing readers into a single conclusion. While it is alright to add details to build the story, it would be helpful to be more straightforward with the direction of writing (ie. briefly mention the purpose of why this story is relevant).

Remember to cap your essay with more of a theoretical and value-based conclusion, especially because you are working with these types of content. It is essential that, before the concluding remarks, you have already stopped mentioning new details. Instead, the conclusion should be dedicated to logically linking all of the details together.

Writing Feedback / The birth, death and the population growths of Scotland in 1940 with projection towards 2020 [4]

@Thaophuoc
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. If it does, certainly do not hesitate to approach us for more input.

I find that the structure of utterances on the analysis portion of the essay need a more stronghold approach. Take, for instance, the second paragraph's initial sentences. You had approached the writing with a lack of decent structure and organization. Try to utilize less of the parenthesis. I would also recommend trying to prioritize the information that you put out. Notice how messy it was when you had just simply placed midway in the paragraph the term "since the 70s" when you were previously following a time pattern.

Try your best to stick with fundamental or simplified structures for your sentences as well. Doing this will make a clearer content for your writing.

Scholarship / QuestBridge National College Match Biographical Essay: D&D, Financial Struggles, Support Systems [5]

@sarabarnes0123
Hey there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this comprehensive set of feedback would help you in your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, I agree that your writing was truly put-together from the beginning. The first paragraph, in particular, was truly composed and interesting. This is a great approach to writing.

I would suggest, however, that the succeeding paragraphs need more work. This is primarily because there were too many information dumped into the text. This makes it even more difficult to comprehend certain aspects of the work. I heavily recommend to have a more focused approach in writing, especially when you're working with such huge chunks of details.

Writing Feedback / The maps illustrate three prospective positions for constructing a new hypermarket in Pellington [3]

@Harleydao
Hey, welcome. I hope this feedback becomes useful for your writing.

First and foremost, I would say that you need to focus more on making more concise sentences. The second paragraph needs to be tailor-fit for this purpose. If you are able to do this, you will be able to sustainably showcase the progression of the content in a better light.

Furthermore, the organization of the content appears to be a little bit off-putting. Considering the numerous amount of information that you need to spread out, I recommend trying to put everything into a more meaningful context. Bear this in mind at all times.

It would also be helpful to provide us with the image itself next time. This will help us assess your writing a lot more realistically. Best of luck regardless!

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - The importance of age among candidates for crucial positions in governments [2]

@roseat88
Welcome. We always love having new people join the forum. If any of this feedback resonates with you, don't hesitate to approach us for more insight into the writing.

Firstly, I commend how structured and efficient your writing style is. This certainly can be appreciated by the people who would evaluate your essay. Your arguments and related opinions were also well-balanced throughout the writing.

What I would recommend to improve your writing would be to utilize more straightforward and concrete examples throughout. Taking a look at your second and third paragraph, while there was nothing generally wrong about the content, you needed to add more practical examples that'll clearly demonstrate your writing in a more efficient format.

Scholarship / Asking for scholarship essay about the importance of an individual's leadership abilities [2]

@Sandar
Hey, welcome. We always appreciate new people coming into the site. Don't hesitate to approach us if you need more information on writing.

I appreciate the first portion of the essay. You started out with a creative approach to writing. This then transitioned into a more productive and spaced out approach for relaying necessary details in your writing. The evaluators would certainly appreciate this portion of the text.

What I do suggest is compartmentalizing and prioritizing more the details of the second paragraph. You need to add more structure and precision into this portion, making certain that you're not flooding it with unnecessary details. I would also suggest that you work through the last paragraphs utilizing the same technique. Doing this would certainly help you in the long-run to pursue a kinder approach towards writing.

Scholarship / GKS 2020 personal statement undergraduate - visual animator (department i want to get into) [2]

@Zulsar
Hello. Welcome to the forum. I am hoping that this feedback becomes helpful for you in your writing endeavors! If it is, do let us know. We certainly love interacting with new people on the platform.

Firstly, the introductory paragraph was great, in my opinion. You were clear in the direction of writing. You were as well clear in your intention in writing. What I would suggest, though, is focusing more on creating a more tailor-fit and structured writing.

The second half of the essay certainly needs to be more tailored. Try to add more structure by cutting down the excessive lengths (for instance, take a look at your last paragraph).

Scholarship / Dance drama project manager - Seeking Advises on Chevening Leadership Essay [3]

@Brianna28
Hello there. Best of luck in your application for Chevening! Here's a substantive feedback that will hopefully help you in your journey towards writing.

The first paragraph is quite creative. This will be appreciated by the evaluators rather than having a simplified and yet lacking lackluster content. What I do suggest, however, is adding more substance and concreteness into it. Especially for the introductory paragraph, being able to somehow lure the readers in is critical for the long-run. Remember to ensure that your written work would be understood by the readers themselves.

I appreciate the inclusion of the personal project that you had initiated in the company. Telling this story would certainly help the evaluators understand more your qualifications in the program.

Graduate / The noticeable outburst in the number of people has engendered the extinction of some animal species [2]

@lunalunalala
Hi. I am here to assess this essay for you to provide a comprehensive feedback. If you find this helpful, come back to the forum!

Firstly, I commend you with your decency and grasp of the language. It is quite noticeable how your language provides an in-depth and yet organized approach to writing. Maintain this!

The areas of concern that I would primarily have would be based on the heaviness of your sentences. While complex sentences are generally accepted and can help you grow your text into something more organic, focusing on dynamism is critical for the overall look of your writing. What this pertains to is having fluctuating lengths and variations for the paragraphs. Doing this would certainly make your writing appear a bit closer to natural.

Scholarship / I want to study psychology - Personal statements 2021 kgsp undergraduate [2]

@nicole10115
Hi there, welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to come to us again. I wish you luck as well in your application for KGSP!

Firstly, the brief introduction in the beginning were rattled with too many basic details. Remember that these details are quite unnecessary in papers such as this because they are included already in the fundamental paperwork. What they are looking for here is more of an internal assessment of you as an individual or as an academic. Focus more on accomplishing this from this viewpoint.

While the second paragraph is alright, I heavily suggest prioritizing the information you put out and only place here data that you actually need.

The succeeding paragraphs suffered from the same concern of being overly heavy with unnecessary small details. You can do well with cutting down these portions into 50% of what they are now.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING- Pie chart- electricity Generation [2]

@Khanh1234
Hey, welcome to the forum. If you find this feedback helpful, you are more than welcome to come back here for more input on your writing.

Firstly, work on minimizing excessive language when writing. If we take a look at your first paragraph, for instance, it lacks that directness in the formatting. You can try to eliminate phrases such as "in terms of" to assist you in this.

The succeeding paragraphs were decent. I would only suggest that you formalize your writing to better suit the academic level. For instance, be cautious of run-on sentences, misuse of capitalization, and generally having bulkier lengths of text.

Shorter and yet bolder pieces of text would relay information in a lot more efficient manner than what you are doing now.

Writing Feedback / How to obtain the practice license in Vietnam [3]

@DoMinhTam
Hey, welcome! I hope that this feedback becomes helpful to your writing. If it does, don't be afraid to come to me for more questions.

First and foremost, the first portion of the essay, while straightforward, is quite unclear about what it wants to relay to the readers. I recommend that you focus on sharpening your usage of specific words, especially if you want a more technical formatting for your essay.

The succeeding paragraphs appeared to be quite better in this regard. Because of this, I opt that you focus more on sharpening the general length of your writing. Notice that the second paragraph needs to be trimmed down more for you to have a more professional structure.

Remember that compliance to the fundamental structural formats is critical when you are writing. This will ultimately dictate the level of writing that you will accomplish by the end.

Best of luck!

Research Papers / Effects on Recycling Essay - Review Request [2]

@niss
Hey, welcome. We're happy to have you here. Please do check out this post for the feedback of your essay. Don't hesitate to contribute more to the forum. We're always glad to have new people around.

Firstly, the introduction paragraph appears to be rather cluttered. The first two sentences were indicators of the direction of the writing; and yet, afterwards, you had immediately jumped into adding an example. Remember that, while there's nothing wrong with examples, they're more sought after midway of the essay when you have already established the fundamental opinions that you want to focus on.

The body paragraphs also are too packed with information. Try to dilute this and minimize the box-type look when you are writing. Having too much text into one cluster only makes your writing appear cluttered more than anything else.

Scholarship / To reach level five for my TOPIK. My Study Plan - GKS. [2]

@ochanlebong7
Hey! Seeing as you have already posted here before, I hope that the feedback you receive here has somehow helped you in your writing endeavors. If it has, don't hesitate to approach us for more information on your writing.

The first paragraph needs a bit of cleaning up in terms of structure. The first sentence immediately is bombarded with unnecessary flairs that do not contribute anything to the essay. Remember that you need to have a more focused and dedicated written work, especially if you want to make this writing appear to be a lot more put-together than anything else.

Furthermore, the example integrated into the first paragraph appears to be out of place. I suggest moving this into somewhere in the center of your essay, considering that it is an inessential and yet passionate portion of your background. For the introduction, just focus on introducing fundamental information about you rather than rambling about certain topics.

You can separate the last paragraphs into two portions. Remember that having a distinguishable concluding paragraph would help you elevate the structure and organization of your writing, making your essay appear to be a lot less cluttered.