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Posts by MisterWandering
Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Last Post: Sep 20, 2016
Threads: 18
Posts: 321  
Likes: 130
From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 339 / page 1 of 9
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MisterWandering   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Causes and The Consequences Of Child Labour [2]

Perhaps we have ever heard or read about 'Child Labour' cases,

Child Labour is no longer an invisible crisis.

interferes with their ability to present regular schooland

deprives children of their childhood and their access to education

This rehearsal ponder exploitative by many international organisations.

In fact, a number of large international organisations are responsible for the exploitation of child workers.

According to ILO (International Labour Organization) about labour of children are ...

According to the International Labour Organisation (ILO), the number of child labours has declined significantly by a third since 2000...

are in hazardous work

are having to work in hazardous environment

In the area of Asia and the Pacific stillhashave the largest numbers

The causes of child labour poverty is ...

Poverty is the main reason for child labour

families on or below the poverty line force their children ...

Children have to start working at an early age to support the income of their family

You should avoid using sentences that are too long and full of complex words, as well as pay attention to the punctuation in your essay!
MisterWandering   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 - People live in one place and live in many places - which is better? [3]

People tend to settle in the same place whole their life

Many/Some/A number of people...

There are several benefits and disadvantages for each of these lifestyles .

In my opinion, your essay is a bit off-topic. The question is to clarify the advantages and disadvantages of the both staying in the same place and moving around, while your essay focuses on the reason why people choose to stay or move.
MisterWandering   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article: Travelers Are Embracing Human Travel Agents Again [2]

online travel agencies become the famous ...

online travel agencies have become more popular than any other kind of tourism organization ever

Everyone who wants to travel is increasing ...

Travelers tend to favor using online travel agencies for booking sites nowadays.

suppliers have to learn

What do you mean by "suppliers" here?

costumer s who complain

MisterWandering   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / The diagram presents the several processes for rainwater recycling [2]

The diagram presents the several processes for rainwater recycling.

The diagram presents information regarding the rainwater treatment process.

The results of water recycling can be used to fulfill people's daily usage. Then, the excess water will flow to the river.

After being treated, water can be used by households while excess water will flow to the river.
MisterWandering   
Jun 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - the relations between nature and training abilities [3]

between nature and training abilities

This does not cover the whole opinions in the topic. In my opinion, it should be:
People have different views towards the role of nature and nurture in determining the talent of a sportsperson or a musician.

I believe that children should be properly equipped (by/with what?) and own inborn talents as an example sport, art or music.

This sentence lacks clarity. What do you mean by "equipped and own inborn talents"?

having a natural talent of each child is a special gift

some people were born with a natural talent

It is undeniable that thesome innate abilities can not be taught by the great teachers or gainedly doing practice frequently

You could give an example to strengthen your point.

as a result of gaining plenty of rewards

. "As a result of" is wrongly used in this sentence.
Nevertheless, he has won a variety of honors and achievements.

Without the innate aptitude, continuous training need be a lot of time and perseverance and without the training, children would not learn how to develop their talents.

You should add "However" at the beginning of this sentence. Otherwise, this is not aligned with the rest of the paragraph where you clarify the significance of nurture in arts and sports.

a strongconnection between education and inborn gift

I'm not sure if you did state it clearly in your essay. Actually, this should be the connection between either nature or nurture and a person's abilities.

Hope it helps!
MisterWandering   
Mar 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The components of a thermos flask to maintain hot liquid (IELTS 1) [4]

which is able to maintain the water's temperature in several hours.

whose function is to maintain the temperature of water in several hours

Clearly, what stands out from the graph shows while it looks small and simple

It is clear that ...

However, it has an essential function to keep water still warm.

This sentence is not necessary as this idea has already been stated in the first sentence.

the thermos flask is arrangedhas/consists of two layers, both in its body and lid

The main element of this, that is the insulated support,

Don't use "that" after a comma in a relative clause, you should use "which" instead.

It has possibility

Its purpose is to

hasis about 30-40cm tall.

MisterWandering   
Mar 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Taxes burden citizens in some countries. [6]

Money has beenisas an essential part of humankind.

paying tax brings some tangible benefits as it supportsplays a vital role in the development of the countries.

citizens have an annual expenditure of $52,000

It can be concluded that if they have to pay taxGiven the high tax rates in these cities , they will have no not enough money to survive

In my opinion, it would be more convincing if you could show readers the figure after paying tax, rather than stating "not enough money to survive" alone.

In addition, some people who have an occupation take responsibility for paying the children's education cost rather than spending money on the state.

This sentence lacks clarity, and actually, I don't think paying tax generally could limit people from spending on their basic needs.

give benefit support for people

The aforementioned evidence examines that

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that...
MisterWandering   
Mar 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / Even though the internet is not completely flawless, in general his impact is positive for us [2]

has sawseen

the benefits generated by the internet greatly outweighsoutweigh its drawbacks.

Back in the old days, communication was restricted by distance and time zone. For example, mail took forever to reach the hands of a loved one.

Now, thanks to useful and practical tools like the email or Skype has made life easier , time and space are no longer a factoran obstacle .

a simple search word and a second later, everything you need on one page

You could start a new sentence from here. Too lengthy sentences are not necessary.

For instance, some possible solutions are to limit the time spent surfing the net and never give out passwords or conduct online transactions with uncertified dealers and so on.

This sentence is not complete.
I think you have very good writing skills. Hope it helps!
MisterWandering   
Mar 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / Initial steps have always been the most difficult and important in achieving something worthwhile. [3]

Could you tell us what the purpose of your essay is, like IELTS or TOEFL?

Initial steps have always been the most difficult and important in achieving something worthwhilethe development of children

In uncertainty world hot debates about child`s development is getting much hotter. Some people hold an idea that teachers are more crucial in child`s development in comparison withthan their parents while others contradict this idea and asserted that parents are more important in child`s development than their teacherfavour the role of parents .

From my perspective, although good teachers play an essential role in child`s development, parents` role in child`s development exceeds teachers` role.

While the importance of teachers is undeniable, I believe that parents play a more vital role in bringing up children.

Children spend more time with their parents than their teacher that means parents made more influence on children. Children and only parents are ready to be there for their children. in the following essay, I will develop my opinion by supporting specific examples and details.

Reasons could be saved for body paragraphs. You don't need to state them in the introduction.

That sounds like that tell me your parents and I will tell you who you are.

Don't use "you" in academic writing. Anyway, I don't think the first two sentences of this paragraph add much value.

we are most likely to disagree with our parents` actions relevant to teach how to walk, eat or even dress us.

What do you mean by this sentence?

Last but not the least;

A comma should be used instead of a semicolon after "least".
MisterWandering   
Jan 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / Waste Disposal Method, destroying dangerous waste products - Pie charts [4]

The pie charts compare different types of waste management in three countries, the Republic of Korea, Sweden and the United Kingdom.
Small numbers, such as those less than ten, should be spelled out. For example: "three" or "five" instead of 3 or 5.

It is clear that there are only three ways...

You should select the most significant features to mention in the overview paragraph. Here is my example:
It is clear that landfill disposal and incineration are used in all three countries. While waste burial accounts for the highest proportion of waste disposal in two European countries, recycling is the main method of dealing with waste in Korea.
MisterWandering   
Dec 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / Dance is very important for the popularity of the country. [3]

crutial

crucial

and also dance and , which is believed by the majority of people, myself included,believe that dance hasto have a significant place in a culture

By adding "myself included", you don't need to repeat this idea in the next sentence.

I have some reasons about for it

This sentence is not necessary.

Dance helps culture to be popular and well known. Besides, dance brings people together an make them relax.

You can save these ideas for your body paragraphs.

For example, Europa and America continets have very different dance styles. Also, there are many differences in same continent such as Germany traditional dance and Holland traditional dance.

Dance styles vary immensely by countries and continents.

To highlight this point lets say, Brasillian dance is known all over the world and Brasil is famous for samba

For example, samba has been universally recognized as a symbol and an icon for the national identity of Brazil.

experie nce

We went to various countries to promote our dance with my team

incredebly

incredibly

dance brings intelligent beings together

What do you mean by "bring intelligent beings together"?

these kinds of social events

when you go dancing, you would spend your time very funny.

I don't think "you" should be used in academic writing.
MisterWandering   
Oct 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / According to eg Carl Jung the colors cure mentally illness patients by the art work in psychotherapy [5]

Colours have a great impact on our lives.

According to psychologists, the colours affect our emotions andthe way we feel .

our emotions are greatly affected by colours.

to suit the mood of the occupants in offices and hospitals

when it comes to the interior design of offices and hospitals.
I don't think "occupants" is the right word used with "hospital".

Color and human's feeling was already discussed for long time

The relationship between color and feelings has been the focus of many scientists for a long time.

color association

color-emotion association

mentally illness patients

mentally ill patients

colors can also effect affect human feeling

In US, people express their coziness with blue and gold already used by Jung in psychotherapy.

This example adds no value to your conclusion and it has been used in your first paragraph.

You have many interesting examples in your essay; however, your writing style makes me feel like reading a journal article. In each of the paragraph, you should state a reason, give an explanation and then give examples for it rather than listing all examples.

Hope it helps!
MisterWandering   
Oct 8, 2014
Undergraduate / IELTS: Trend of living individually. Why? And its effect on society. [4]

should be intensively considered

Many people stand for a belief that the trend of living individually is a consequence of several objective reasons which related to booming economy or immoral perception

Many people cite the booming economy or immoral perception as the reason for the trend of living individually.

more crucial than anything

or "are given more priority". The comma after "anything" should be omitted.

accidentally becomes a barrier that prevents people from

is still exists

the proportion between male and female

sex ratio

126 men compares to 100 of their counterparts

126 men to 100 women

On the other hand

This phrase is not appropriate here.

the period of time spending spent for social activities

, therefore, people will find extremely hard to interact even with their neighbors

This could form a new sentence.
I think you should shorten some of your sentences. Your vocabulary is great, but lengthy sentences full of big words may make readers feel tired at times.

Hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Sep 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Education should be considered as the most important factor in a country's success [10]

in close relationship

linked directly to each other

thenational education, health, environment and culture

In fact, the education provides skilled workforce

A high quality of education can guarantee a better quality of next generation of workers.
You are talking about education in general so "the" is not necessary.

Take Vietnam for an example. If the government had allowed mining raw resources in highland areas, its forests would have been destroyed and its water resources would have been polluted. What seemed economically benefited at first would have resulted in a great impact to the environment and people heath, costing a large amount of government budget to fix problems.

This part doesn't clarify how other factors contribute to the growth of a nation.
This

In my opinion, among all factors that decide a national advancement, education plays the most important part.

In my opinion, education is the most important factor to assess the success of a country.

every individuals needsto the right level

MisterWandering   
Aug 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The Face-to-Face communication makes it easy to understand emotion senses. [5]

Some people use a specific type of communication such as chatting to find friends or speaking with strangers etc . As many people have warned, using this type of communication to figure out other personalities is dangerous. Because, By using this method, you can easily deceived others by concealing your emotional and real individuality.

I think these sentences lack clarity. I'm not sure what you mean by figuring out personality of others in the second sentence and then deceiving others in the next sentence. Also, you should pay attention to your grammar.

Face-to-face communication is the most ideal way for people to express themselves. To be more specific, body language, voice tone or facial impressions through direct conversations can convey people's true emotions and thereby, avoid any possible ambiguities.
MisterWandering   
Jul 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / Learning a new language process [4]

You should include the prompt of the task with your essay? Also, is this an IELTS or a TOEFL essay?
As far as I'm concerned, don't use "you" in your academic writing.

1-2 years

from one to two years.

learn that how to write a perfect essay.

prefer tourists In your country

This part is quite confused.

go to a course

take a course
MisterWandering   
Jul 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / Change of career and living place has more positive effect on the whole society and the individual [3]

You should have included the prompt of the task with your essay. We could base on this prompt to provide you with more meaningful comments.

there were numbers of people who changed their jobs and moved to different living places

It is becoming more popular for people to change job and place to live constantly than previously.

get more opportunities to reach a better position

have access to better employment opportunities

and this allows increasing numbers of young people living in rural areas to move to industrial regions or large cites

You could start a new sentence from this one. Avoid writing too lengthy sentences in your essay.

and this can provide better medical service and education to these people

You could try using various types of sentence, instead of the "and + this" form.
For example: where high quality medical service and education are more accessible.
MisterWandering   
Jul 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS The environment problems facing today's world are so great that there is [2]

assume the responsibility to protect for protecting

On one hand

On the one hand

solving some environmental problems

and only the government and corporations have the ability to

we should convey

What do you mean by "we" in this sentence?

many people driving private cars could cause air pollution

driving private cars is the main cause of air pollution

change some lifestyles

change their habits

contribute to the environmental protection

MisterWandering   
Jul 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; working and travelling a year before university is a good idea [4]

People who are travelling or working while at the high school are making the memories for their lifetime

The topic focuses on people who decide to travel or work after graduating from high school, rather than those who are still high school students.

What it means is that the perception of the world and surroundings of a 17 year old person and that of the 30 year old person varies a lot.

I don' think this sentence is relevant to the topic.

the young mans horizons

young people' horizons

They say travel broadens the mind this is true as well as the fact that travel is the best teacher as long as it doesn't cost to much for the adventurer.

It is true that people can acquire valuable knowledge through travel without having to pay a high cost.

give an idea

form an idea

For the first

To be more specific

I would love to confirm

I would like to reiterate

behind it than disadvantes

than disadvantages
MisterWandering   
Jun 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - The largest percentage of land transports is recorded by the private cars [4]

The pie chart provides information about what the mean of transports are preferred by people in Edmonton, categorized by private and public transport, while the table illustrates why people use the car in urban area.

The pie chart shows the proportion of Edmonton people using different means of transport and the table illustrates why people use cars in the city.

It is noticeable that people tend to drive a car to do some activities and the figure of using cars holds the largest proportion of other means. In any case, business activities support the distinct reasons why the private cars are chosen as a comfortable transportation in city.

Your overview paragraph is not quite clear. Also, business is not the main purpose for using cars.
Overall, car is the most popular means of transport used in Edmonton. Likewise, the majority of people choose to drive their cars because they have to commute to work.
MisterWandering   
Jun 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Why is happiness difficult to define? Important factors to happiness? [6]

define it'sits actual meaning

the reasons why happiness is such an abstract concept

important factors contributedcontributing to happiness

delightfull

delightful

he is enabled able to walk

When talking about happiness

When it comes to happiness
Your vocabulary and grammar are very good. However, using too many big words and lengthy sentences can make readers feel tired of your writing. Using simpler and shorter sentences may be a better way to clarify ideas and capture readers' attention.

I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Jun 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / essay: following the host country's culture for visitors [5]

In recent year

In recent years

destined country

the host country

In this essay, the justifications of these opinions will be discussed.

You should state your opinion in the introduction.

they are subject to troubles, problems happening

they are likely to encounter troubles

SoTherefore , it is unacceptable for visitors

beside be open for the visitors

apart from being open to the culture of visitors

which may be harmful

MisterWandering   
Jun 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / (IELTS) a country benefits from more and more university students [5]

You should include the prompt of this task with your essay so that we can give you more meaningful comments.

Nowadays, governments invest in education facilities

I don't think they just invest in education facilities at the present time. In fact, governments have made huge investments in education for a long time.

make policies

adopt policies

As for me

In my opinion

if

You should capitalize the first word of your paragraph.

their life chances (What do you mean by this?) will increase and they are more possibleit is possible for them to find a good job when they graduate.

They are more likely to have access to attractive employment opportunities after graduation.
MisterWandering   
Jun 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] A report about consumption of energy in the USA [6]

The line graph compares how Americans use six different energies from 1980 to 2030, a period of 50 year. This report was taken in 2008 and it is measured in quadrillion units.

The line graph compares energy consumption in the USA over a 50-year period.

the popular energies

the most popular sources of energy

which beat the largest amount of consuminginduring the whole period

The following over period

What do you mean by "the following period" in this graph?

although petrol and oil energies reached the largest number of consuming in 35 quadrillion units

which were around one-seventh of the corresponding figure for petrol and oil consumption

Moreover, petrol oil and natural gas followed the samea similargraphic trend

which was a gradual increase following 15 years at just under 40 and 25 quadrillion units

, both of which experienced a gradual increase throughout the next 15 years.

In any case

These words are not appropriate.

A closer look at the data reveals that

I don't think this phrase add any value to your sentence.
MisterWandering   
Jun 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: How to teachers' gender are taking part in the six different school [3]

The bar chart indicates the proportion of teachers' gender in Nursey/Pre-school, Primary school, Secondary school, College, Private training institute and University. This research was conducted in the United Kingdom in 2010 .

The bar chart compares the proportion of teachers of both genders in six types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.

It is noticeable that the female teachers dominate as the highest percentage to compare with men teachers who have reverse figure. However, College is occupied by balance figure between male and female teachers.

Overall, male teachers dominated in advanced levels of education. On the contrary, up to secondary school, the percentage of female teachers were higher than than of male counterparts.

The percentage of women teachers who taught at Pre-school and primary school was highest percentage at just above 80 percent, while the total of male teachers recorded the lowest percentage by approximately 5%.

The proportions of female teachers in pre-school and primary school were the highest data in the chart with approximately 90% each. Oppositely, the corresponding figures for men were significantly lower, both of which were under 10%.

Standing in contrast, men who are being teacher at university showed the significant increase to more than 60 percent people.

Meanwhile, there was a remarkable difference in the proportion of men and women at university, with male teachers consituting over two thirds of the teaching staff.

A closer look at the data reveals that, teachers who gave contribution in Secondary School were led by females as the higher percentage than males figure, exceeding the teachers' figure of Private training institute was reverse

In secondary school, women accounted for over half of the teaching staff while in private training institute, the percentage of men was slightly higher.

Interestingly, there was balance proportion between men and women teachers who were worked as a teacher in College at around 50 percent teachers.

College is the only academic institution that has equal proportions of teachers of both genders.
MisterWandering   
May 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Process of making cement to produce a concrete brick [4]

Overall, the process of making cement involves various stages from the beginning to make an ultimate product

prerequisites

As per the first diagram

--> At the first stage

limestone and clay are crushed

round shape of mixer

cylindrical mixer

and then pass through

burns

is burnt

is grinded

is grounded

runningruns clockwise

, it mixes

and it mixes
MisterWandering   
May 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - fast food graph and chart [2]

The chart shows how much money people spendspent on fast food per week depending on their income

says

illustrates

The first thing we can see is that people with high household income eat more expensively than ones with worse salary

You should adopt a less personal tone for this report. Also, as Dumi suggested above, there should be an overview after the introduction to state the main trends of the charts. This is my example:

Overall, hamburgers were the most popular among high and average income groups while the low income group tended to spend the most on fish and chips. Likewise, there is an increase in the consumption of pizza and hamburgers, as opposed to that of fish and chips.

It's mainly showed in expenditure on hamburgers - people with high income spend 40 pences per week for hamburgers

Try to avoid redundant words in your sentences.

wherewhile these with low income spend only 15

Fish and chips were losing lost their popularity in years 1970-1985

they started to gain it rise slightly

Hamburgers are constantly getting more popular

Past tense should be used here.
MisterWandering   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / The table subordinate to Somecoutry's people [6]

The table subordinate to demonstrate the process of Somecoutry's people to expended their money during 2001-2006.

The table presents data concerning how people in Somecountry spent their money on stocks and bonds from 2001 to 2006.

persons of Somecoutry spent their money to bonds were about $100 billions and stock were about $210 billions.

In 2001, around $100 billion were spent on bonds, less than half the expenditure on stocks, which was about $210 billion.
You should include the table with your essay so we could give you more feedback.
MisterWandering   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: UK telephone calls - number of mins [3]

the overall amount of minutes

Amount is used with uncountable nouns. In this case, you should use "number" instead.

dramaticly

dramatically

it was fewest used type.

it was the least used type.

more than 70 billion minutes were used to make a call in local - fixed line

I think this sentence sounds unnatural. Minutes are not used to make phone calls.
In 1995, the total number of minutes of local-fixed lines was the highest with 70 billion.
MisterWandering   
May 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: video games provide harmless fun [4]

In conclusion, I think vedio games should not be banned at school due to several benefits that they can offer.

Your conclusion is not aligned with the rest of your essay where you didn't state anything related to schools banning video games. Also, it is not mentioned in the given topic.
MisterWandering   
May 16, 2014
Writing Feedback / Britain is the country with the highest amount spent on the six consumer goods. [4]

The bar chart below gives information about the amount of money spent on six consumer goods in four countries.The four countries are all in Europe ; Britain, France, Germany and Italy.The six consumer products that are shown in this chart are ; personal stereos, tennis racquets, perfumes, CDs, toys and photographic films.

This is the introduction of your essay and it needs to be short and direct. Paraphrasing the prompt is a really good way to do that. You don't need to list every single thing mentioned in the chart.

The bar chart presents data concerning the expenditure on six consumer goods in four countries, namely Britain, France, Germany and Italy.

The numbers along the horizontal axis represent thousands of pounds sterling that are spent on the goods, while the different goods are on the vertical axis.

You are writing this to a university lecturer so this is unncessary. That's what readers have already known.
As the chart has yet to be attached, I cannot give you any feedback on the contents of your body paragraphs. However, as you are to write a report, using numbers to clarify the differences among these countries will make your essay more interesting, instead of using words like "highest" or "lowest" only.

Hope it helps!
MisterWandering   
May 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Table of poverty living in Australia [5]

The table presents the percentage of poor families living in Australia during a calendar year in 1999

Overall, the highest percentage of poverty living showed in sole parent trend while the least age coupled group strong stance in statistic's year.

Overall, single parents accounted for the highest level of poverty in Australia while the elderly people were least likely to be poor.

such trend had more five-fold increase

"Increase" or "Decrease" are used to describe trends with the passing of time. Here you have to compare the proportions given by using comparatives or superlatives.

in full loan of

What do you mean by this?

Fast forward to the numbers,

This part could be omitted.
MisterWandering   
May 5, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Electricity source in Australia and France over a-20 year [6]

The pie charts illustrates the total electricity's number in Australia and France in the field of fuel source over a 20 year from 1980 to 2000.

The pie charts illustrate the changes in the amount of fuel used in electricity generation in Australia and France from 1980 to 2000.

Overall, total electricity production in both countries increaseincreased dramatically, while France' production doubled over a period of 20 years, Australia reckoned 70 % increase of the total production . Besides, the electricity sources were different in both countries under review.

You don't need to give data in your overview. Also, pay attention to the tense used in your essay.

coal production

This is not about the production of coal. It is about the electricity production generated from coal.

In comparison with the similar electricity source in France being accounted with 25 percent in both statistic' year , such trend showed a 80 percent increase.

The data are not given in percentage terms so this sentence is inaccurate. The rest of your body paragraphs also has the same problem.

A more detailed look at the pie charts revealed that the overall changes in percentages in Australia and France was not always similar.

I feel that this sentence does not add more value to your paragraph.
MisterWandering   
May 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nature or nurture is more influential in children education? [5]

our personality

I'm not sure if this is directly related to children's education as the topic requires.

belong to families who have the same skills they possess

were born into a family of talent/were born into a family whose members possess similar talent

I would have to support the idea that individual's development depends on surrounding environment.

In this sentence, you state that you favor the role of nurture in the development. However, this is not aligned with your conclusion where you said that both nature and nurture are equally important.
MisterWandering   
May 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts: most popular sports - the pie chart [9]

The pie chart below provides us with the information about most popular sports among people aged 5-14 years old. The indexes are given in percentages.

The pie chart presents data concerning the most popular sports among children aged 5-14 years old in percentage terms.

In more details, the most popularized type of sport among the people of these ages next to soccer is swimming activities(22% respectively). It is interesting to note that sports such as: volleyball and basketball own the same percentages(11%). In addition, baseball has 7% more than basketball and volleyball(18%) and as a result ranks the third place.

Soccer records the highest participation rates of children between the ages of 5 to 14 with 26%, which is 4% higher than the figure for children involved in swimming. It is closely followed by the proportion of the third most popular sports, baseball, at 18%. The percentages of children who take part in basketball and volleyball are similar with 11% each while only 8% of these children enjoy practicing karate. Other sports constitute the remaining 4%.
MisterWandering   
May 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: USA marathon records by age and gender in hours. [6]

A more detailed look at the graph shows that at the age of 10 both male and female genders almost had the same indications(3 hours)

At the age of 10, it takes both male and female athletes approximately three hours to set a marathon record.

However, the age of 20 was marked by a significant change, because 2.1 hours record belonged to male, whereas female gender enjoyed 2.3 hours respectively.

The records are significantly improved when athletes are at their 20s. The record for men at that age is around 2.1 hours, which is 0.2 hours faster than the corresponding figure for women.

By the age of 30 imperceivable change was observed(male-2.05 hours, female-2.25 hours)

Notably, both male and female athletes show their best performances when they are around 30 years old, with 2.05 and 2.25 hours, respectively.
MisterWandering   
May 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: USA marathon records by age and gender in hours. [6]

The line graph below illustrates the USA marathon records by age and gender in hours.

The line graph compares marathon records of American female and male athletes of different ages.

Overall, it can be seen that the indications of male gender had perceptible priority over females no matter at what age they were. In addition, records belong to people aged from 10 to 60.

Overall, men set marathon records in a shorter amount of time than female counterparts. Likewise, fastest marathon records are held by athletes of both genders at the age of 30.
MisterWandering   
Apr 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Male graduate from Cullum university [9]

The report of the line graph shows that 4 thousand male students graduated from the faculty of science in the Cullum University during a period ofin 1995. In the couple years , this trendfigure increased slightly byto 4.3 thousand before experienced a little dipfalling to 4.1 thousand in 1999. Surprisingly, after a short dip period, the number of graduate males rebounded to almost twofold male scholars graduated from science faculty, this noted as the peak yearnearly doubled and reached a peak of approximately 7500 in 2005 .

A more closer, a downwarddecrease of about 1500 student over a-two years occurred between 2005 and 2007. Stance as the highest point by 7.5 thousand in 2005, the number of male student who graduated from Science faculty decreased gradually to just under 6 million6000 in the year 2007 and remained steady at that level until the end of the period . Since then onward, the trend leveled off by 6 thousand male graduating from the faculty of science Cullum University.

You should avoid using redundant words in your essay!
MisterWandering   
Apr 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1- summarize charts information budget allocation [4]

It is quite a challenge for most of us when it comes to control your budget allocation especially for households with middle incomes. The spending trend itself had considerably changed throughout 2010 to 2012.

The pie charts illustrate the changes in the budget allocation of middle-income households in 2010 and 2012.
After the introduction, you could write an overview paragraph:
Overall, housing accounted for the largest proportion of expenditure in both given years. Likewise, there was a significant increase in the percentage of housing and food/clothes spending during the period.

Another increase in spending as we have seen on the charts is food/clothes category. While the data showed on 2010 chart is 25%, in 2012, its put forward that people had spent 10% more, turning the category into the second largest allocation.

As seen on the charts above, housing can be considered had some significant changes. An increase of 15% compare to 2010 budget's data, making it the largest budget in all 4 categories.

In 2010, middle-income families spent over a third of their budget on housing, which was the highest percentage of the four categories. It was followed by the proportions of food/clothes and vacations/leisure spending, with 25% each. Miscellaneous spending made up the remaining 15%.

As two categories increased, there're also some of them had decreased tremendously. One of which is the category with vacation or leisure purpose. It clearly presents that the category had suffered a decline of 15% since it was 25% in 2010 and 10% in 2012. Misc category is also not an exception when it had went from 15% in 2010 to 5% in 2012.

However, there were some changes to their percentages two years later. Most notably, housing expenditure rose by 15% and sustained its position as the highest spent category. While budget allocation on food/clothes also experienced an increase to 35% in 2012, the corresponding figure for vacations/leisure dropped by half to 10% only.

Making up 5%, miscellaneous allocation remained the lowest spent of middle-income families.

Also, you should pay attention to grammar. Some of the phrases are not correct, such as "had went".
I hope this helps!
MisterWandering   
Apr 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETS Task 1 : Propotion of Canadian graduates by gender [5]

The graph gives information regarding gender in terms of Canadian graduated studentin over a-15 year period from 1992 to 2007.

The chart compares the number of graduates of both genders in Canada over a 15-year period.

Overall, even though similar trends occur occurred between males and females graduates, the gap between both figures widened during a period of time.

You could clarify what similar trends and the gap are.
Overall, there was an increase in graduate student numbers of both men and women. Also, the number of female graduates was significantly higher that that of male counterparts during the period.

experienced a decreased

toby more than two-fifth percent inat the end of 2007

Striking contrast with the female trend

This is not aligned with your overview, where you stated that both genders saw a similar trend.

male trend

You could use "the number of male graduates" instead of repeating the word "trend".

fluctuated steeply by under 80 thousand during the first half period

I don't think there was a wild fluctuation according to the chart. I think male graduate numbers hovered around 75000 during the first half of the period.

fluctuated around 72 thousand in 2001

Again, I think it remained stable instead of fluctuating.

has risenrose substantially

male scholars past their education

male graduate students

a more likely to be a combination of gender choose to study in Canada

I don't think it is a unique feature either of the chart or in Canada in general.