Writing Feedback / The Causes and The Consequences Of Child Labour [2]


Child Labour is no longer an invisible crisis.


deprives children of their childhood and their access to education


In fact, a number of large international organisations are responsible for the exploitation of child workers.


According to the International Labour Organisation (ILO), the number of child labours has declined significantly by a third since 2000...


are having to work in hazardous environment



Poverty is the main reason for child labour


Children have to start working at an early age to support the income of their family

You should avoid using sentences that are too long and full of complex words, as well as pay attention to the punctuation in your essay!

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 - People live in one place and live in many places - which is better? [3]


Many/Some/A number of people...


In my opinion, your essay is a bit off-topic. The question is to clarify the advantages and disadvantages of the both staying in the same place and moving around, while your essay focuses on the reason why people choose to stay or move.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article: Travelers Are Embracing Human Travel Agents Again [2]


online travel agencies have become more popular than any other kind of tourism organization ever


Travelers tend to favor using online travel agencies for booking sites nowadays.


What do you mean by "suppliers" here?

Writing Feedback / The diagram presents the several processes for rainwater recycling [2]


The diagram presents information regarding the rainwater treatment process.


After being treated, water can be used by households while excess water will flow to the river.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - the relations between nature and training abilities [3]


This does not cover the whole opinions in the topic. In my opinion, it should be:
People have different views towards the role of nature and nurture in determining the talent of a sportsperson or a musician.


This sentence lacks clarity. What do you mean by "equipped and own inborn talents"?


some people were born with a natural talent


You could give an example to strengthen your point.


. "As a result of" is wrongly used in this sentence.
Nevertheless, he has won a variety of honors and achievements.


You should add "However" at the beginning of this sentence. Otherwise, this is not aligned with the rest of the paragraph where you clarify the significance of nurture in arts and sports.


I'm not sure if you did state it clearly in your essay. Actually, this should be the connection between either nature or nurture and a person's abilities.

Hope it helps!

Writing Feedback / The components of a thermos flask to maintain hot liquid (IELTS 1) [4]


whose function is to maintain the temperature of water in several hours


It is clear that ...


This sentence is not necessary as this idea has already been stated in the first sentence.



Don't use "that" after a comma in a relative clause, you should use "which" instead.


Its purpose is to

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Taxes burden citizens in some countries. [6]





In my opinion, it would be more convincing if you could show readers the figure after paying tax, rather than stating "not enough money to survive" alone.


This sentence lacks clarity, and actually, I don't think paying tax generally could limit people from spending on their basic needs.



In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that...

Writing Feedback / Even though the internet is not completely flawless, in general his impact is positive for us [2]






You could start a new sentence from here. Too lengthy sentences are not necessary.


This sentence is not complete.
I think you have very good writing skills. Hope it helps!

Writing Feedback / Initial steps have always been the most difficult and important in achieving something worthwhile. [3]

Could you tell us what the purpose of your essay is, like IELTS or TOEFL?




While the importance of teachers is undeniable, I believe that parents play a more vital role in bringing up children.


Reasons could be saved for body paragraphs. You don't need to state them in the introduction.


Don't use "you" in academic writing. Anyway, I don't think the first two sentences of this paragraph add much value.


What do you mean by this sentence?


A comma should be used instead of a semicolon after "least".

Writing Feedback / Waste Disposal Method, destroying dangerous waste products - Pie charts [4]

The pie charts compare different types of waste management in three countries, the Republic of Korea, Sweden and the United Kingdom.
Small numbers, such as those less than ten, should be spelled out. For example: "three" or "five" instead of 3 or 5.


You should select the most significant features to mention in the overview paragraph. Here is my example:
It is clear that landfill disposal and incineration are used in all three countries. While waste burial accounts for the highest proportion of waste disposal in two European countries, recycling is the main method of dealing with waste in Korea.

Writing Feedback / Dance is very important for the popularity of the country. [3]


crucial


By adding "myself included", you don't need to repeat this idea in the next sentence.


This sentence is not necessary.


You can save these ideas for your body paragraphs.


Dance styles vary immensely by countries and continents.


For example, samba has been universally recognized as a symbol and an icon for the national identity of Brazil.




incredibly


What do you mean by "bring intelligent beings together"?



I don't think "you" should be used in academic writing.

Writing Feedback / According to eg Carl Jung the colors cure mentally illness patients by the art work in psychotherapy [5]



our emotions are greatly affected by colours.


when it comes to the interior design of offices and hospitals.
I don't think "occupants" is the right word used with "hospital".


The relationship between color and feelings has been the focus of many scientists for a long time.


color-emotion association


mentally ill patients



This example adds no value to your conclusion and it has been used in your first paragraph.

You have many interesting examples in your essay; however, your writing style makes me feel like reading a journal article. In each of the paragraph, you should state a reason, give an explanation and then give examples for it rather than listing all examples.

Hope it helps!

Undergraduate / IELTS: Trend of living individually. Why? And its effect on society. [4]



Many people cite the booming economy or immoral perception as the reason for the trend of living individually.


or "are given more priority". The comma after "anything" should be omitted.




sex ratio


126 men to 100 women


This phrase is not appropriate here.



This could form a new sentence.
I think you should shorten some of your sentences. Your vocabulary is great, but lengthy sentences full of big words may make readers feel tired at times.

Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Education should be considered as the most important factor in a country's success [10]


linked directly to each other



A high quality of education can guarantee a better quality of next generation of workers.
You are talking about education in general so "the" is not necessary.


This part doesn't clarify how other factors contribute to the growth of a nation.
This


In my opinion, education is the most important factor to assess the success of a country.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The Face-to-Face communication makes it easy to understand emotion senses. [5]


I think these sentences lack clarity. I'm not sure what you mean by figuring out personality of others in the second sentence and then deceiving others in the next sentence. Also, you should pay attention to your grammar.

Face-to-face communication is the most ideal way for people to express themselves. To be more specific, body language, voice tone or facial impressions through direct conversations can convey people's true emotions and thereby, avoid any possible ambiguities.

Writing Feedback / Learning a new language process [4]

You should include the prompt of the task with your essay? Also, is this an IELTS or a TOEFL essay?
As far as I'm concerned, don't use "you" in your academic writing.


from one to two years.



This part is quite confused.


take a course

Writing Feedback / Change of career and living place has more positive effect on the whole society and the individual [3]

You should have included the prompt of the task with your essay. We could base on this prompt to provide you with more meaningful comments.


It is becoming more popular for people to change job and place to live constantly than previously.


have access to better employment opportunities


You could start a new sentence from this one. Avoid writing too lengthy sentences in your essay.


You could try using various types of sentence, instead of the "and + this" form.
For example: where high quality medical service and education are more accessible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS The environment problems facing today's world are so great that there is [2]



On the one hand




What do you mean by "we" in this sentence?


driving private cars is the main cause of air pollution


change their habits

Writing Feedback / IELTS; working and travelling a year before university is a good idea [4]


The topic focuses on people who decide to travel or work after graduating from high school, rather than those who are still high school students.


I don' think this sentence is relevant to the topic.


young people' horizons


It is true that people can acquire valuable knowledge through travel without having to pay a high cost.


form an idea


To be more specific


I would like to reiterate


than disadvantages

Writing Feedback / IELTS - The largest percentage of land transports is recorded by the private cars [4]


The pie chart shows the proportion of Edmonton people using different means of transport and the table illustrates why people use cars in the city.


Your overview paragraph is not quite clear. Also, business is not the main purpose for using cars.
Overall, car is the most popular means of transport used in Edmonton. Likewise, the majority of people choose to drive their cars because they have to commute to work.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Why is happiness difficult to define? Important factors to happiness? [6]





delightful



When it comes to happiness
Your vocabulary and grammar are very good. However, using too many big words and lengthy sentences can make readers feel tired of your writing. Using simpler and shorter sentences may be a better way to clarify ideas and capture readers' attention.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / essay: following the host country's culture for visitors [5]


In recent years


the host country


You should state your opinion in the introduction.


they are likely to encounter troubles



apart from being open to the culture of visitors

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) a country benefits from more and more university students [5]

You should include the prompt of this task with your essay so that we can give you more meaningful comments.


I don't think they just invest in education facilities at the present time. In fact, governments have made huge investments in education for a long time.


adopt policies


In my opinion


You should capitalize the first word of your paragraph.


They are more likely to have access to attractive employment opportunities after graduation.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] A report about consumption of energy in the USA [6]


The line graph compares energy consumption in the USA over a 50-year period.


the most popular sources of energy



What do you mean by "the following period" in this graph?


which were around one-seventh of the corresponding figure for petrol and oil consumption



, both of which experienced a gradual increase throughout the next 15 years.


These words are not appropriate.


I don't think this phrase add any value to your sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How to teachers' gender are taking part in the six different school [3]


The bar chart compares the proportion of teachers of both genders in six types of educational institutions in the UK in 2010.


Overall, male teachers dominated in advanced levels of education. On the contrary, up to secondary school, the percentage of female teachers were higher than than of male counterparts.


The proportions of female teachers in pre-school and primary school were the highest data in the chart with approximately 90% each. Oppositely, the corresponding figures for men were significantly lower, both of which were under 10%.


Meanwhile, there was a remarkable difference in the proportion of men and women at university, with male teachers consituting over two thirds of the teaching staff.


In secondary school, women accounted for over half of the teaching staff while in private training institute, the percentage of men was slightly higher.


College is the only academic institution that has equal proportions of teachers of both genders.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Process of making cement to produce a concrete brick [4]




--> At the first stage



cylindrical mixer



is burnt


is grounded



and it mixes

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - fast food graph and chart [2]



illustrates


You should adopt a less personal tone for this report. Also, as Dumi suggested above, there should be an overview after the introduction to state the main trends of the charts. This is my example:

Overall, hamburgers were the most popular among high and average income groups while the low income group tended to spend the most on fish and chips. Likewise, there is an increase in the consumption of pizza and hamburgers, as opposed to that of fish and chips.


Try to avoid redundant words in your sentences.





Past tense should be used here.

Writing Feedback / The table subordinate to Somecoutry's people [6]


The table presents data concerning how people in Somecountry spent their money on stocks and bonds from 2001 to 2006.


In 2001, around $100 billion were spent on bonds, less than half the expenditure on stocks, which was about $210 billion.
You should include the table with your essay so we could give you more feedback.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: UK telephone calls - number of mins [3]


Amount is used with uncountable nouns. In this case, you should use "number" instead.


dramatically


it was the least used type.


I think this sentence sounds unnatural. Minutes are not used to make phone calls.
In 1995, the total number of minutes of local-fixed lines was the highest with 70 billion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: video games provide harmless fun [4]


Your conclusion is not aligned with the rest of your essay where you didn't state anything related to schools banning video games. Also, it is not mentioned in the given topic.

Writing Feedback / Britain is the country with the highest amount spent on the six consumer goods. [4]


This is the introduction of your essay and it needs to be short and direct. Paraphrasing the prompt is a really good way to do that. You don't need to list every single thing mentioned in the chart.

The bar chart presents data concerning the expenditure on six consumer goods in four countries, namely Britain, France, Germany and Italy.


You are writing this to a university lecturer so this is unncessary. That's what readers have already known.
As the chart has yet to be attached, I cannot give you any feedback on the contents of your body paragraphs. However, as you are to write a report, using numbers to clarify the differences among these countries will make your essay more interesting, instead of using words like "highest" or "lowest" only.

Hope it helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Table of poverty living in Australia [5]



Overall, single parents accounted for the highest level of poverty in Australia while the elderly people were least likely to be poor.


"Increase" or "Decrease" are used to describe trends with the passing of time. Here you have to compare the proportions given by using comparatives or superlatives.


What do you mean by this?


This part could be omitted.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Electricity source in Australia and France over a-20 year [6]


The pie charts illustrate the changes in the amount of fuel used in electricity generation in Australia and France from 1980 to 2000.


You don't need to give data in your overview. Also, pay attention to the tense used in your essay.


This is not about the production of coal. It is about the electricity production generated from coal.


The data are not given in percentage terms so this sentence is inaccurate. The rest of your body paragraphs also has the same problem.


I feel that this sentence does not add more value to your paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nature or nurture is more influential in children education? [5]


I'm not sure if this is directly related to children's education as the topic requires.


were born into a family of talent/were born into a family whose members possess similar talent


In this sentence, you state that you favor the role of nurture in the development. However, this is not aligned with your conclusion where you said that both nature and nurture are equally important.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: most popular sports - the pie chart [9]


The pie chart presents data concerning the most popular sports among children aged 5-14 years old in percentage terms.


Soccer records the highest participation rates of children between the ages of 5 to 14 with 26%, which is 4% higher than the figure for children involved in swimming. It is closely followed by the proportion of the third most popular sports, baseball, at 18%. The percentages of children who take part in basketball and volleyball are similar with 11% each while only 8% of these children enjoy practicing karate. Other sports constitute the remaining 4%.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: USA marathon records by age and gender in hours. [6]


At the age of 10, it takes both male and female athletes approximately three hours to set a marathon record.


The records are significantly improved when athletes are at their 20s. The record for men at that age is around 2.1 hours, which is 0.2 hours faster than the corresponding figure for women.


Notably, both male and female athletes show their best performances when they are around 30 years old, with 2.05 and 2.25 hours, respectively.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: USA marathon records by age and gender in hours. [6]


The line graph compares marathon records of American female and male athletes of different ages.


Overall, men set marathon records in a shorter amount of time than female counterparts. Likewise, fastest marathon records are held by athletes of both genders at the age of 30.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Male graduate from Cullum university [9]



You should avoid using redundant words in your essay!

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1- summarize charts information budget allocation [4]


The pie charts illustrate the changes in the budget allocation of middle-income households in 2010 and 2012.
After the introduction, you could write an overview paragraph:
Overall, housing accounted for the largest proportion of expenditure in both given years. Likewise, there was a significant increase in the percentage of housing and food/clothes spending during the period.



In 2010, middle-income families spent over a third of their budget on housing, which was the highest percentage of the four categories. It was followed by the proportions of food/clothes and vacations/leisure spending, with 25% each. Miscellaneous spending made up the remaining 15%.


However, there were some changes to their percentages two years later. Most notably, housing expenditure rose by 15% and sustained its position as the highest spent category. While budget allocation on food/clothes also experienced an increase to 35% in 2012, the corresponding figure for vacations/leisure dropped by half to 10% only.

Making up 5%, miscellaneous allocation remained the lowest spent of middle-income families.
Also, you should pay attention to grammar. Some of the phrases are not correct, such as "had went".
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IETS Task 1 : Propotion of Canadian graduates by gender [5]


The chart compares the number of graduates of both genders in Canada over a 15-year period.


You could clarify what similar trends and the gap are.
Overall, there was an increase in graduate student numbers of both men and women. Also, the number of female graduates was significantly higher that that of male counterparts during the period.




This is not aligned with your overview, where you stated that both genders saw a similar trend.


You could use "the number of male graduates" instead of repeating the word "trend".


I don't think there was a wild fluctuation according to the chart. I think male graduate numbers hovered around 75000 during the first half of the period.


Again, I think it remained stable instead of fluctuating.



male graduate students


I don't think it is a unique feature either of the chart or in Canada in general.