eddies [Contributor]
Jul 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Beside the internet's advantages, some people think that the internet brings bad effects. [3]
Well done, you have answered the prompt thoroughly although some areas in terms of paragraph development need more rooms for improvements. Lets talk about the opening paragraph. In this part, it is always good to build background sentences linked to the topic, but sadly you have failed to do so. As seen, some phrases like today debate and really harmless are sidetrack. Not only this, the former phrase is commonly used in Students' essay, and thus is too fake for examiners. I suggest rewriting or omitting this.
When it comes to thesis statement, this essay leaves readers for nothing. A good thesis statement should guide the readers what will be discussed in the following body paragraphs. The phrases: I will explain why in this essay will not help a lot. For this reason, you'd better omit it.
The body paragraphs above are too bulky since they contain overwhelming information. Focus on one idea for one paragraph. You might start with a topic sentence followed by a simple reason to defend your claim and create an example by using journalis questions (5W 1 H).
What makes your essay different from the others is the way you present supporting details. Remember this. Hopefully this helps :)
Well done, you have answered the prompt thoroughly although some areas in terms of paragraph development need more rooms for improvements. Lets talk about the opening paragraph. In this part, it is always good to build background sentences linked to the topic, but sadly you have failed to do so. As seen, some phrases like today debate and really harmless are sidetrack. Not only this, the former phrase is commonly used in Students' essay, and thus is too fake for examiners. I suggest rewriting or omitting this.
When it comes to thesis statement, this essay leaves readers for nothing. A good thesis statement should guide the readers what will be discussed in the following body paragraphs. The phrases: I will explain why in this essay will not help a lot. For this reason, you'd better omit it.
The body paragraphs above are too bulky since they contain overwhelming information. Focus on one idea for one paragraph. You might start with a topic sentence followed by a simple reason to defend your claim and create an example by using journalis questions (5W 1 H).
What makes your essay different from the others is the way you present supporting details. Remember this. Hopefully this helps :)