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Posts by fahmisadja
Name: Masdar Fahmi
Joined: Nov 3, 2015
Last Post: Feb 5, 2016
Threads: 33
Posts: 33  
Likes: 34
From: Indonesia
School: Diponegoro University

Displayed posts: 66 / page 1 of 2
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fahmisadja   
Feb 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - The Most Effective Time for young Pupils to Teach them Foreign Language [3]

Some expert believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary schools rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

To master foreign language in very young age is the most beneficial achievement in modern era. Some others argue that parents will find a problem since children have a difficulty to pay more attention on learning second language. However, I extremely believe that the merit of teaching the language in early age outweighs any drawback as toddlers have a great brain in this condition.

The main demerit of teaching another language to young children is that they lack of abilities to focus on materials. They will prefer to playing with their toys rather than studying special language. They may gain stressful if parents force them to study. To illustrate, my nephew ignored his mother when she tried to teach English to him by picture book. In the beginning of process, he was enthusiastic to look at the picture. After the following five minutes, he left her and played with his toys. For this problem, obviously children can be taught by other fun activities such as singing, drawing, and playing.

To teach foreign language in early age for children gives advantages because this is the best time of brain development to catch language learning. They are more likely to memorize and imitate easily new vocabulary. A research by psychologists of Twente University found that 80% children in 4 to 8 aged was considerably easier to memorize new words that those who have more than 10 since they are in golden age phase, regarding the right time to receive learning. It means that parents can harness this golden age to teach the language since it works effectively.

All in all, it is the disadvantage that very young pupils have a bad concentration to study particularly foreign language. Indeed, this issue has far more advantage because they can understand the learning easier in their golden age. I suggest to parents to mix between native and foreign languages in daily conversation to ease learning process.
fahmisadja   
Feb 5, 2016
Undergraduate / The University of Waterloo is renowned for its incredible co-op program and courses. WHY Waterloo? [2]

Both of these were the reasons why I picked Waterloo.

First and foremost (or maybe you can use : first of all) , the incredible co-op program helps me promptly apply my theoretical knowledge to practical use in the industry. While challenging courses helpand push the limits of my knowledge. (it is better you make these sentences in one sentence since they have a same idea)

... help me achieve my goal of, one day, creating a software company someday .

Above all, my experiences with programming hashave sparked my passion forin computer science. (actually this sentence is little bit inappropriate)

For these reasons , after discussions with current Waterloo students (you can say that you gain second opinion from the students who have experiences in this discipline) , I chose specific software programs ...

Hi Abdul,

In my opinion, your explanation about reason is not clear enough. You should attempt to find strong connection among your background, the program and your goals.

Good luck then, I hope it helps :)

fahmisadja   
Feb 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - People Need Music to Support Their Lives [3]

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Music plays an important role in people's lives. They need music to booster their mood particularly when they have to workout. Sadly, people have a tendency to choose international music than traditional one. This essay will discuss about these two notions.

Music helps people to get better mood in exercise since it can set tone followed by people's movements. They feel to be accompanied with the harmony or intonation of music, and this makes them more spirit to do sport. For illustrate, when I joined in fitness centre, I was likely to listen to fast beat music in my MP3 player, while I did my cardio exercise on treadmill equipment. I could undergo for more than 30 minutes. In reverse, when I forgot to use it, I only did less than 10 minutes. This is the reason why the music is very essential for people's lives.

For music preference, people especially young generations tend to choose international music particularly with song or lyrics than traditional music. They like this music as they can develop their English ability in listening. This helps their ears sensible listen to English vocabulary. A recent study by Tokyo University found that 60% of senior high school students in Japan could accomplish listening exam at 80% due to listening western music regularly. This means that the music can be used for studying method. However, they may lack of traditional music references.

All in all, people harness the music to stimulate their moods in doing sport. However, some others prefer to international than traditional music. There is an anxiety that the latter may become extinct if several people listen to the former more.
fahmisadja   
Feb 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Museums and Historical Sites are Ignored by Local Tourists [3]

Many museums and history sites are mainly visited by tourists rather than local people why is this? What can we done to encourage people to visit museums and historical sites?

Some foreigners are more likely to go to museums and historical sites than local people. This case happens since these places lack of promotion to people in surrounding. For solving this problem, the officers can create campaign to encourage citizens to visit these historical places.

The main principal problem of this issue is that those places are not well-known by people around there because they tend to ignore what they have. The officers may do not promote these destinations to people living around those places. This results in people to overlook the existence of them. A recent study by Tokyo University found a fact when the researchers conducted a research in Indonesia that 200 museums in Indonesia only had at average 100 local visitors every month, while 80% young generations there did not know the best top five museums in Indonesia. It means that these places are unpopular for society.

The greatest way to tackle this problem is that the officers arrange the event to make museums and historical sites more popular such as "a movement to love museums". The officers can invite local citizens to come to museums and socialize to them about a valuable aspect regarding in visiting historical places. With this strategy, the officers can show attractive uniqueness of these places. A study in 2013 by The University of Sussex revealed that visitors of Madame Tussaud Museum in London increased at 30% in 2014 after the its officers created a campaign named 'visit museum 2013'. This brilliant idea brings effective solution.

All in all, poor promotion is primary reason why local people are unlikely to go museums and historical sites. However, people can organize a campaign to overcome this case. It is suggested that the officers should do regularly more or less once in six months.
fahmisadja   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Positives Versus Negatives of Computer Games for Children [2]

It is argued that computer games bring negative impacts for children. In reverse, these games are valuable. In your opinion, what are the advantages and disadvantages of such games ?

The most interesting issue for children is about computer games. Some people believe that this entails bad effect for pupils, while some others have good perceptions in games. Indeed, children can take a benefit for increasing their problem solving skill, but they will have a negative side in their social lives.

Computer games train children to get quick problem solving skill since they have to accomplish some instructions on some stages or levels when they are playing games. They have several targets in games almost every second and, this results in exercising their brains regularly. The more they play, the more they increase their abilities. A study from the University of Rochester found that People who played action-based video and computer games made decisions 25% faster than others without sacrificing accuracy. I believe that this benefit will help schoolchildren in finishing plenty of assignments and examinations.

The opposite impact from previous discussion is that pupils lack of social life with their peers. They may have less time to play and interact with their schoolmates in their leisure times. This situation drives them to be lonely and isolated person. A study by researchers at the North Carolina State University points out that gamers usually do not replace their offline social lives with online game playing because they enjoy being a loner. It is generally argued that children with this type will find difficulties in working group activities.

All in all, the advantage of computer games is to train children developing their skill in problem solving. However, they have a tendency to be isolated by their groups. My suggestion for parents is that they have to supervise their children playing games in appropriate time in order to have free time to socialize with their friends.

(293 words)
fahmisadja   
Feb 1, 2016
Graduate / Statement Letter for University of Glasgow (City Planning & Real Estate Development MSc) [5]

Hi Putro,

I'm happy reading your personal statement. I did not find grammatical error. You have appropriate word with suitable collocation, but in my opinion you should polish your flow. So, your readers can illustrate your interest trough your story.

Here we go, let me to give some comments on your writing :

- in my opinion, you just need to write "personal statement by Putro Widodojati" for title and no need to put your greeting (yours faithfully) in the end of your writing

- I lilbit confuse with your paragraph 1 and 2, what's the purpose exactly? actually you can show your idea while you explain your story explicitly.
- it is better to start with your background why do you interest with this major? it is related to your experiences (maybe your child, study and work experiences)

- your reasons why you should continue your study?
- what your goals in the future?
- to support your future, maybe you need to enhance your knowledge, and the best way is study in this university. why do you chose your university? - you may show the benefits from this university

- for conclusion, emphasize your statement, what will you take ? what for? (maybe you can mention : to contribute ...... )
- you should put the last sentences to ask him or her to consider your personal statement, for example you can use it : I humbly hope that this little piece of my life story can assist you in considering me as a prospective student in your university

that's all. good luck then. I hope it helps :)
fahmisadja   
Jan 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A breakdown of Wheat Exports in Several Countries [2]

A breakdown of wheat exports in several countries is presented in the line chart from 1985 to 1990. Overall, there were parallel falls in export rates between Australia and Europe countries in the first second period. On the other hand, Canada showed a stable percentage from the beginning of time frame over the period in question.

Between 1985 and 1987, a similar trend was seen by Australia and European communities in wheat exports, regarding a slight decrease. The former went down steadily from 15 to 14 million tonnes, while the latter fell by around a million ton. In contrast, the proportion of Canada's wheat exports rose slowly and reached at over 20 million tonnes.

Interestingly, Canada witnessed an upward trend. The alteration was most noticeable in the third period, when the figure showed a significant increase and peaked at 25 million tonnes. However, this had fallen back to the 1985 figure by 1990. By contrast, the portion of Australia declined gradually at about 10 million tonnes, albeit the other grew up to more than 20 million tonnes. Eventually, a gap between those had widened.

(177 words)




fahmisadja   
Jan 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - SOME PROBLEMS WHICH ARE FACED WHEN STAY ABROAD [2]

Hi Nur, nice to read your essay. let me to comment on your writing :)

A breakdown of proportion of some challenges which are(you can omit these words) experienced by people when they stay in new countries regarding three various age ranges is provided in the bar chart. At the first glance, the challengers find sorting out healthcare and finances are the greatest deals for them (this sentence is inappropriate as there are 2 verbs here) . In addition, people aged 35-54 hashave the highest percentage of all problems (maybe you should look for another unique figure as the level is less marked between this range aged among others) .

maybe you can use this for your alternative option for your first overview:

The two biggest obstacles that have to be solved are financial and healthcare problems.

in my opinion, you should pick noticeable trend in the bar chart, like finding school for children, perhaps. This factor is just a trouble for all people range age. So, you may use this sentence, In contrast, finding school for children is not a big deal for them.

o begin, managing health is the biggest problem in people aged 35-54 and over 55 aged group which, representing 36% and 37% percent respectively experience this problem

On the contrary, this issue is experiencedseen by 6% of younger range group, (put comma here) whereas just about 2% of people aged over 55 years old have this problem.

I hope it helps. Good luck then :)
fahmisadja   
Jan 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: GDP Growth Per Year For Tunisia, Japan, and Ecuador [2]

A breakdown of the annual growth of GDP for three countries is presented in the bar chart from 2007 to 2010.

In 2007, the proportion of Tunisia showed by far the most significant growth in GDP at over 6%, while Ecuador experienced a half as much. Moreover, a very small number was revealed in Japan's development at 2%. By 2010, Japan's growth had witnessed a considerable increase at 6.5%, but the percentage of Tunisia had fallen back to virtually the 2007 Ecuador's figure by 2010. Meanwhile, there was a threefold decrease of Japan's rate in Ecuador GDP.

Between 2008 and 2009, there was a parallel trend in Tunisia and Ecuador. Those showed a fall in the proportion. The former went down steadily by around 1%, while the latter showed a significant decrease hitting a low approximately at 1%. Yet, a slight increase was seen in Japan's GDP from at over 4% to 5%.

By and large, initially GDP in Tunisia experienced the highest percentage among others. Eventually, its proportion always revealed a gradual fall over the period in question.

(179 words)




fahmisadja   
Jan 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of changes in the amount of money spent on books over a 10-year period [2]

Hi Amril,

Nice to see your essay here. Your essay is great, but let me try to comment on your essay.

Your, overview, I guess, it was too complex. You need at least 2 sentences to highlight and than put on your body paragraphs. Maybe, you can choose a similar trend showed an gradual increase generally and Germany as the largest expenditure.

You should divide your explanation with proper body paragraphs by grouping, it will make your flow better to read. Perhaps, you can use years for separating the essay. for example, 1995 and 2005 will became one paragraph in body 1, then others are in body 2. second option, 1995 - 1999 for one group, and others for else group.

And, you should use comparative sentences, such as slightly larger, considerably the greatest spending, gradual less expenditure, these words will enhance your essay. So, your readers will not feel bored with same pattern.

A comparison of changes in the amount of money spent on books over a 10-year period(or you can use : over the period in question) , which is measured in usUS dollars in four countries(i guess you forgot it) is depicted in the line graph

I hope it can helps, good luck then :)
fahmisadja   
Jan 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / The bar chart presents... TASK 1 - INTERNATIONAL GRAGUATES FROM CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES, 2001-2006 [2]

Hi Dynar,
I really enjoyed reading your essay. You have a good explanation to illustrate the line graph. But, let me try to comment on your essay.

While you can emphasize the trend in New Brunswick in your overview, you also can highlight British Columbia as considerably the most change regarding more than twofold. Moreover, maybe this introduction also can be used for alternative :

A breakdown of the proportion of international students graduating ...

A breakdown of the number of Canadian students graduated from several universities in province of Canada is presented in the bar chart from 2001 to 2006. Overall, the number of university leavers rose significantly over the period in question. However, the graduates from New Brunswick and British Columbia showed the greatest proportion among others.

This had been represented as the greatest foreign graduatespeople graduatednumber in Canada.

i hope it can helps, good luck then:)
fahmisadja   
Jan 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Breakdown of Weather in Two Brazilian Cities [NEW]

A breakdown of weather in two Brazilian cities which consist of sunshine absorption hours, thunder days, and temperature measurement is presented in two bar charts. Overall, it can be seen that a contrast trend between Brasilia and Recife is showed in rainfall, regarding Brasilia experiences far lower figure in the middle of year than other. However, Recife has slightly more consistent temperature that the one over 12 months.

To Begin, there is surge emerging of rainfall from the beginning to the end of year in Brasilia, while one reverses. The first four months, the precipitation of rainfall goes down gradually from at almost 250 mm with 21 days rain to about 50 mm with 12 days rain in Brasilia. In contrast, Recife witnesses a considerably increase with 12 to 21 days rain from January to April respectively 50 mm and 220 mm.

A more detailed look at the chart displays that rainfall in Recife happens substantially higher proportion than the other in the middle of the year in average 6 hours of sunshine and a day with thunder. Finally over the end of the time frame, the rainfall grows up gradually in Brasilia with maximum 24 days rain, 16 days thunder, and 7 hours sunshine, whereas the one gains rarely rainfall with 50 mm, 10 days rain and 8 hours sunshine in average.

Having said that, Brasilia has very more extreme condition than other when it comes to temperature. While over 12 months in Recife tends to be stable at average 20 - 35 degree , the one shows a fluctuate situation. On May to August, Brasilia hits the lowest point of temperature at under 5 degree even 0 degree on June.




fahmisadja   
Jan 10, 2016
Undergraduate / After scrutinizing abundant number of colleges all over United States, I came up with Virginia Tech [4]

Hi there,

let me attempt to comment on your essay. I didn't find any grammatical error on your essay, while you should fix your content.

In my opinion, first step that you have to do is conducting research in Virginia Tech by visiting its website. You can see more specific program that you really expect. After that, just make it relate to your interest and then explain how essential this program for your goal.

for example this sentence :

One of the most important reasons is that Virginia Tech will provide me a pathway to success.

it will better if you elaborate briefly the reason why Virginia Tech becomes your pathway. Even, words : pathway to success is too absurd, unspecific, there are a lot of schools/universities that can encourage people to success.

I hope it will help. :)
fahmisadja   
Jan 10, 2016
Graduate / I am an experienced software engineer - apply for ANU master degree, self- statement [10]

Hi there,

let me try to comment on your personal statement. You have too many ideas for conveying, you should make it narrow, more specific. Perhaps this tips will useful for you, while you can apply this method for writing based upon the experience.

Use method : STAR, your story should include, Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience), Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.), and Result (what happen when you did your action). This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively

i hope it will helps :)
fahmisadja   
Dec 7, 2015
Graduate / IELTS TASK 2 -Exploiting or giving animals same rights as human [2]

Hi Lucy,

I am pleased to read your essay because you provide a fresh notion. Good Job. However, let me try to give you some comments. Here we go:


1.

A growing number of people feel that animals should not be exploited by people and that they should have the same rights as humans, while others argue that humans must employ animals to satisfy their various needs

You require to to paraphrase the prompt with your own words. Maybe you can use these sentences for your option :
Some people agree that they have to treat creatures in the same way such as humans and animals, but others argue that they can use animals for special importance.

2.

I strongly agree with thelattersstatementsand my essay will discuss both sides of this issue .

In my opinion, it is better if you write your abstract of essay here, make your thesis statement briefly and clearly to answer task responses. You may want to pick this one : (I attempt to use your ideas to arrange these sentences)

I extremely believe that exploiting of animals is immoral behaviour since people can make them in suffering. Likewise, people can utilize them to improve in conducting research and gain nutritious food.

3. In body paragraphs, you can describe your single and multiple ideas. Yet, ensure that you explain in proper way. For single idea, use pattern : topic sentences --> reason --> example --> result --> conclusion (optional). Moreover, for multiple notions, you can use : topic sentences --> reason 1 + explanation 1 --> reason 2 + explanation 2 --> reason 3 + explanation 3. These patterns can be used rather than you make your sentence with questions.

4.

In conclusion, also people who protect animals have their explanations; I strongly agree that killing animals for needs of food and research are ethical.

You need at least two or three sentences for your conclusion. Then, you can paraphrase your thesis statement for making your essay stronger. Afterwards, combine your ideas in body paragraphs while you can cite your opinion or recommendation that relates to the topic.

I hope it helps, good luck then :)
fahmisadja   
Dec 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The Crime Rate That Always Rises Gradually Every Year [3]

Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

The level of crime rate arises year by year continuously. Because of this reason, the governments have a responsibility to stop its development, and serve the safety feeling in society. Likewise, some major factors come from internal of offenders and bring them to commit a crime, for examples, financial, family, and behavior problems. Thus, to solve such a big case is required collaboration from people like governments, relatives, and teachers.

There are at least three primary aspects that cause a crime. Firstly, due to financial problem, the convicts maybe are unemployment and need money to stay alive. Thus, they take a shortcut to obtain a plenty of money by robbing, mugging, or shoplifting to fulfill their daily necessity. In addition, several young people commit A juvenile crime because of family problems, for instances, they come from A broken home family and lack of attention or affection. Hence, to look for attention from their relatives, they become offenders like vandalism or gangster. Moreover, a behavior problem such having bad values of moral also drives them to do the criminal activities. They have no concept that committing a crime is a mistake, and it hurts others.

To overcome these problems, people have to work together based on their roles. The governments have substantial role by providing jobs for those who get unemployment based on the qualifications. The governments also can give community service or business education for them, so they can start to be entrepreneurs. On the other hand, education is also essential. Parents and teachers require supporting their children to grow up with good behavior. In home, parents have to keep the harmoniousness of family by giving enough attention and love or discussing with them when they have problems. However, teachers should supervise and ensure that children study well when they are at school.

To sum up, three factors, for instances, financial issues, unhappiness families, and wrong values can generate a crime. However, several of actions from the governments, parents, and teachers are some real preventing to decline the crime rate that always rises gradually every year. To maximize and optimize these notions, they should do seriously and regularly.

(358 words)
fahmisadja   
Dec 6, 2015
Undergraduate / Briefly describe how your past activities or work experiences will enhance our community. USD app. [3]

Hi there,

the most important thing that you have to explain is :
1. You should choose no more that 3 experiences, to make it clearly and specifically, tell your contribution in your experiences. what did you do to develop your organization or club? with your insight that you had, what will you do with the community? write briefly

2. I have tips for writing essay based on experiences. Unfortunately, I have told to many people who joined in this forum. But, Perhaps, You have not read yet, so I attempt to write it for you. Maybe it can be useful for you.

3.Here we go, Use method : STAR , your story should include, Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience), Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.), and Result (what happen when you did your action). This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively.

I hope it helps, good luck then.. :)
fahmisadja   
Dec 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK2: Robots' benefits and drawbacks to human society [2]

Hi Mike,

I am pleased to read your essay. Such a great writing with nice ideas!
However, let me try to give you feedback.


Here we go,

1.

Humans have promoted heated debate about the widespread use of artificial intelligence in various areas. While some argue that robots pose a threat to society as a whole , I believe that robots are playing an increasingly important role in human's development.

I think you have not answer the task responses. Your overview and thesis statement should be complete. The easiest ways to create this part are to paraphrase the prompt and to write your main idea briefly. So, your readers have an illustration what will you explain in your narration. I redden your sentences, you need to cite the opposite argument with your own words.

Perhaps, you can use this one :
Some people argue that robots pose a threat to society as a whole, but others believe that this smart machine can be useful for humans life in the future. In my opinion, while the robots bring some drawbacks, I totally agree that it will assist people in particular works such as industry and household .

2. After you explain drawbacks and benefits of robots, you should explain your personal views in body 3 paragraph for answering completely the prompt : give your personal view

3.

In conclusion...

You also can strengthen your conclusion with collaborate your thesis statement and summarize the main ideas from body paragraphs. Moreover, your readers will understand clearly your opinion in this essay.

I hope it helps, Good Luck then :)
fahmisadja   
Dec 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Describing the issue of how do heat and energy waste are releasing to the atmosphere [2]

The air circulation that drives heat and energy wasted in a house is illustrated in the diagram. Overall, the outside air will blow into the house through quite large slots like vents, windows, and doors. However, heat and energy wasted will leak out from the building through attics that are at higher part of structure in the second floor.

Based upon the first floor, the air comes into the house through windows and dryer vent below toilet. Moreover, crawl space nearby outdoor faucet and fan vent in the kitchen becomes a medium of the air into. In other side, both of windows and door in the cooking and the dining rooms also help the air entering the house. The fresh air from outdoor will circulate in the rooms of the building and lead to release heat.

On the other hand, some attics below rooftop are made for leaking the heat from inside. In addition, these parts are located in the rooms which allow heat to be produced such as in the kitchen and electrical outlet. Finally, the heat will leak and release through every single attic that on above the rooms, bathroom fan vent and plumbing stack vent.




fahmisadja   
Dec 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Renewable Energy Has Some Drawbacks, But People Need It To Protect The Earth [2]

Alternative energy sources that use the natural power of the wind, waves and sun are too expensive and complicated to replace the coal, oil and gas that we use to power our cities and transport.

To what extent do your agree or disagree with this opinion?


Nowadays, new resources called renewable energy has become substitute of fossil flues. However, to harnessing this alternative energy, that can be gotten from nature and used to generate infrastructure, requires high cost and complex process. While renewable energy has some drawbacks, it will be good idea to develop this source of power to keep supply of material flues and existence of the green earth.

The big projects, such as turbine and solar power station, are the examples of renewable resources applying and made to maximize natural resources from the earth. However, to emerge this project has serious complexity in several aspects, such as modern and technological equipment, competent scientists and expert engineers, also proper locations that provide the resources and obtain to build the power station plant. Thus, these aspects will drive to very costly budgeting and long duration. In sort, these project plants have huge challenges.

On the other hand, people need the alternative since coal and fossil as vital resources of flues have explored immensely. In other words, the source of energy may be extinction if people exhaust it continuously. For this reason, the renewable energy must be utilized effectively. Likewise, fossil flues has some negative effects to environment, its emissions that release to the atmosphere cause greenhouse gasses, and it leads to global warming and climate change. Furthermore, the earth will be uncomfortable to be inhabited in the future. Eventually, the renewable energy can save the world and protect it to be green.

To conclude, to replace the nonrenewable energy to the alternative resources has positive and negative effects. Renewable energy can help people to secure their life in the earth but they have to strive mightily to make it come true. For countries which want to optimize renewable energy should plan seriously and allocate large budget and accurate timing.

(303 words)
fahmisadja   
Dec 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Which One Is More Important, Internal or External Communication Skills? [2]

The polling results of important communication skills in work are presented in the table between 1997 and 2007. At the first glance, it can be seen that communication skills are divided into two kinds, external and internal. Likewise, while dealing with people became the most essential ability in external sector, the most important skills in internal side was listening. In addition, all of the percentage rose gradually in all competences except capability of selling product or service.

According to external communication skill, most of people considered that dealing ability were the most essential at 60% in 1997 and 65% in 2006. On the other hand, a similar trend was figured by mastering knowledge of products and advising customers in both years at an average 38%. Afterwards, marketing competence showed a fall percentage and the most unimportant skill because it was represented only at 24% (1997) and 21% (2006) of respondents.

For internal communication skill, there was a slight increase of importance in this ability from 1997 to 2006. Capable to well listening was the greatest rise and the most important competence for people at 38% and 47% respectively in following year. Moreover, planning qualification was the most insignificant change approximately at 15%. Finally, less than 31% level was represented by other internal communication skills by plus minus 5% change of respondents.

(219 words)




fahmisadja   
Dec 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Education for everyone? Or restricted for elite students only? IELTS task [2]

Hi Adela,
Let me to give you feedback, here we go..

While you have a great idea in your essay, It is only a few grammatical error.
Technically, in my opinion, you didn't answer task responses.

1. First paragraph, you should paraphrase the prompt for your first sentence for delivering your answers to the next sentence. Then, write your opinion briefly (overview/thesis statement) in the following sentence. You don't require to add new topic with your question How would it look like if we restricted university education only for elite students? . It will make you out of topic.

2.

There are always (at least) two points of view. One of them votes for focusing on quality of education and second for equal chances for everyone.

This sentence can be your thesis statement that represents your idea in your essay (thesis statement). But, you shouldn't put in new paragraph with only one sentence here.

3. Body 1 paragraph, you can explain the reasons if you agree or support the statement that is provided in the prompt. write your idea -> supporting sentences to explain your idea -> reason or example -> then conclusion of your idea in this paragraph (optional)

4. You can strengthen your opinion in third paragraph. This paragraph will represent your position or views. Write it with the same pattern of body 1 paragraph.

5. Conclusion, you can paraphrase your thesis statement, combine with your main ideas in paragraph 2 and 3, and give your suggestion or opinion for closing statement (optional). Related suggestion or opinion with the content of your essay will become a perfect essay.

So, at least, you need 4 paragraph for answering the task responses in IELTS writing task 2.

I hope it helps, good luck then...
fahmisadja   
Dec 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Electronic Media May Give Benefits And Drawbacks For People On Relationship [NEW]

The use of electronic has a negative effect on personal relationship between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Bad consequences on personal relationship will be emerged if people use electronic media. I do agree that the statement may be right when people apply it on face to face communication because it can be some distractions. However, the electronic media will be very useful when they utilize on long distance relationship.

Electronic media such as laptop or smart phone may help people to get along more closely on relationship. Yet, it cannot be happened when they are communicating directly for strengthening relation. It can be obstacles of two persons because one of them, or maybe both, will get difficulties to share more attentions between partner of speaking and the gadget. In consequence, they cannot focus on material of conversation that they experience, and it drives to misunderstanding communication. For example, replay a massage, update status, and call someone while talking. In short, these are disturbing activities.

On the other hand, the cell phone will be very helpful for people who have a relationship in different areas due to specific condition such working. They can interact by the phone to communicate to each other easily and regularly without gathering. To illustrate, chatting in social media and video calling. Not only they can save money because there is no cost for transportation, but also this way has flexible time only if they have connection of the internet or wi-fi. Moreover, they are able to do another activity whereas they use the gadget for keeping in touch.

To sum up, electronic media may give benefits and drawbacks for people on personal relationship depending on the condition how they use it, on directly or indirectly communication. It is better for people to decrease their usage of the electronic device when they are on face to face communication. Likewise, people should maximize and optimize the technology when they have to be separated one and another.

(311 words)
fahmisadja   
Dec 1, 2015
Undergraduate / USC application - leadership club as my non-academic pursuit [2]

Hi Abby,

I'm pleased to read your essay. While you can explain well your experience in your family, you have great responsibility anyway. But, in my opinion, when I read your prompt, you need to choose the non-academic sector that really represent you in a real. So, it's good when you state in the beginning your idea before you explain the reasons. It will make your readers understand.

So, which one do you want to show who you are? you are in your family or school club? If you want to share both of them, you should divide in two paragraphs. It will make your essay clearly readable. With this method, you can write more focus on your each idea. Finally, sometimes you need yo make an example to explain what value that you get and help you to experience your life.

I hope it can helps. Good luck then... :)
fahmisadja   
Dec 1, 2015
Undergraduate / Write a brief statement outlining your personal and academic goals [5]

HI Friction,

Let me try to comments your essay. You are good to explain your words with simple and understandable sentences. But, in my opinion you should give your reasons why you really want to get your goals briefly and strongly. So, the readers will understand with your dreams. Moreover, you have make it clear. "be a prominent figure" is to absurd and general, make it more specific. For example,I want to be a journalist who can influence many people to do positive activities for others because of my writing, so I will be a role model for those who really want to be a great journalist .

However, for your academic goals, it's better if you write your dream which relate to your education such as achieving post graduate and becoming Master of Art or PhD. Then, ensure that your selection of university can provide your aim.

I hope It helps, good luck then :)
fahmisadja   
Nov 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The Comparison Of Weather Pattern Between Normal And El Nino Conditions [NEW]

The comparison of weather pattern between normal and El Nino conditions in Pacific Ocean is depicted in two diagrams, the above is normal and the other is El Nino figures. It can be seen that there are significant differences between one and other. In addition, El Nino causes some negative influences such as climate change and quality of sea water.

To begin, both have difference in trade winds and warm water route. While the ordinary conditions have stronger trade winds in East Pacific than in West Pacific, the other reverses. Moreover, flow of warm water goes from the East to West Pacific normally, but El Nino conditions are on the contrary. Finally, quantity of rains in usual condition appears to the west, but it changes going to east when El Nino happens.

In consequent, there are at least three effects that are caused by El Nino. In normal conditions, Australia has rainy season that leads to cultivate plants and source of cool seawater is much. Meanwhile, enormous nutritious water and enough solar in sunny season increase the number of fishes in Peru. In contrast, El Nino causes drought in Australia, declining cool water, rainy in Peru, and decreasing of fishes.

(200 words)




fahmisadja   
Nov 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Rising Tax of Junk Food Can Reduce Health Problems [2]

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food? Agree or Disagree?

Some people argue that governments have to legalize higher-rate tax of junk food because it is the best solution for reducing the number of complex problems in health. I believe that this policy is quite good to prevent citizens' consumption of unhealthy food regularly. However, the governments may lose their income from its sector if the regulation is launched.

Nowadays, people can get the amount of fast food easily because it becomes ubiquitous products and has affordable prices. Likewise, the governments are able to decline the distribution with rising taxes for these varieties of meals. In consequent, the price of fast food will be higher, and it may encourage people to think twice for buying and consuming the meal repetitively. For another reason, if the governments mandate this policy, people will search other meals that cheaper but more healthy and save their money for other necessities.

However, the governments may find new problems when the regulation is decided. First consequence is that the restaurants which have the products will be bankrupt since they cannot pay the tax and add their cost to distribute it, so the governments may lose their income from this sector. On the other hand, the governments will be obtained protest and complaint from the owner of restaurants while they consider that the governments have blocked their business. Furthermore, if the restaurants came from abroad, they may give a blacklist to the country for working together eventually.

All in all, rising tax of fast food can be applied to help people controlling their consumption continuously of junk food, so they can avoid the dangerous diseases that may be occurred. Yet, the governments should think seriously the proper rate for tax and cooperative relationship, so the restaurants obtain sustain as well as the governments gain potential profit.

(298 words)
fahmisadja   
Nov 29, 2015
Undergraduate / Contributing to the community! I am American-Chinese. I lived experiencing different cultural values [2]

Hi Giovanni,

Let me give you some comments,

I am pleased to read your essay. You have a great experiences because you have a half between Chinese and American culture. Sorry to say, I cannot find your action to face your diversity of culture. in other words, How did you experience your difference of the background? In this situation, your readers want to know what you do to handle or tackle the diversity. For instance, adjust your habit to China culture when you are in Chinese family or the one reverses, or perhaps, you imitate your accent or joke ? or what else? Show to your readers your effort to face the case. Finally, after you tell your actions or efforts, tell also the results of your actions. Is it effective?

On the other hand, you should explain clearly your culture background of your family. What is American-Chinese that you mean, is it your father are native from China and your mother is from America? Or your grandfather and grandmother who have different culture? Or because of your experience to live in the two countries? So, the readers can imagine clearly how you struggle hardly.

Then, Remember the task responses; you need to show your real character and unique ability strongly, so the University can consider you to be accepted. Provide 2 or 3 of you at least for ensuring that you are really worthy to be considered. Another one is to answer your contribution for your community in the future when you are accepted (you forget to explain this view).


Oh yeah, there is little grammatical error,

most of my teachers assigns us projects that...

I think that's all. good luck then :)
fahmisadja   
Nov 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Which One is More Essential, Appearance or Quality of Work? [5]

Dear @Vangiespen, Thanks for guiding me to make my writing more improvement. Anyway, I'm afraid I can't get your correction in last paragraph. would you like to write more clearly? Thank you so much. And, anyway, my occupation sometimes drives me to wear both, formal and informal, :)
fahmisadja   
Nov 26, 2015
Undergraduate / My lifetime goal is to go a good school and secure my future so I can help my parents and family [4]

Hi Grabiela,

I am pleased to read your essay, such a great motivation! Sure, you can explain successfully what motivate you to be an architect! I can say that you are brave to take engineering first to get your dreams to be architect whereas both of them are quite different. What a challenge way. So, you can strive and give your best effort. On the other hand, in my opinion, architecture major is more specific than engineering. If you really have a passion to be an architect, why you do not take architecture. In other words, you will not get particular subject or experience in architect if you take engineering.

To make your essay stronger and more attractive, I believe it is important to tell your clearly goals. For example, I wanna be an architect and work in the best construction company in my country. Then, I'll take my specialist in designing office building, so I can provide outstanding building for a lot of workers in several big cities in my country. Afterwards, I can earn money and support my family life.

Finally, I just realize that you should explore and elaborate your current academic and extracurricular activities that can support you to bridge your next studies and your objectives of life.

I hope it can helps. Good luck then :)

fahmisadja   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Which One is More Essential, Appearance or Quality of Work? [5]

Some organizations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people argue that to be a well-dressed worker in a company is more essential than job performances, but the others assume the reverse. While I agree both views, it primarily relies on the workplace and the profession.

Nowadays, job descriptions and particular professions need special dress code in everyday activities. For instance, as Public Relations who meet several clients have to wear appropriate clothes. While the organizations represented by them, they must represent good images in front of public, so they will seen more attractive. Moreover, they have special budget to buy fascinating formal dress and cosmetics. Likewise, another example is that persons wear uniform if their professions are policemen, civil servants, doctors, and soldiers. I believe these appearances make people aware about what their responsibility.

On the other side, I state that quality of work is more important than what individuals dress. In short, they use their skills and abilities to work. For example, artists who create some creativity products do not need to maximize their looks. Even, sometimes they do not care what clothes are worn, such as painters, fashion designers, photographers, and theater players. They are usually highly appreciated because they are really all out to make perfect performance regardless appearance.

In particular chance, employees are also mandated by their companies to wear smart clothes, sometimes free costumes. Companies should let their workers to express fashion styles with special requirements. In other words, their dress can be applied if only they experience their duty well.

To sum up, appearance and performance are equally essential to involve in our job. People have to adjust quickly in their surroundings, so they can prepare and know what they should dress. I do reckon that between quality and looks have to be balanced to support and to become professional workers.

(300 words)
fahmisadja   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Schoolchildren Have To Eat A Wholesome Food When They Study [2]

To learn effectively, children need to eat a healthy meal at school. How true is this statement? Whose responsibility is it to provide food for schoolchildren?

Some people argue that schoolchildren have to eat a wholesome food when they study because it can support them to learn effectively. I do agree with this statement since the nutrition of food will help them to focus on subject and avoid getting sleepy. In addition, teachers, parents, and government should take responsible to provide healthy meals.

Children have some activities at school, so they need energy and calories from what they eat. Therefore, they need nutritious meals to obtain their necessity. It usually consists of carbohydrates, proteins, and vitamins that produce energy used to do some activities. However, healthy meals can prevent children suffering illnesses. For examples, vegetables and fruit have a lot of vitamin that can fight virus or germ, so immunity of pupils will be kept. In other words, children can study successfully if they have a fit body condition.

On the other hand, there are some people who arrange children meals as it is impossible if children prepare it by themselves. When they are at home, their parents have an obligation to ensure that they consume the right food. Then, teachers should help parents to control their food when they are at school. For instances, bring a box food or buy a great snack in surrounding of school. Finally, the government needs to legalize a policy that selling bad foods in around of schools are forbidden. Furthermore, it can reduce distribution of poor quality food or beverages.

All in all, wholesome meals can improve study of pupils more effectively. Parents, teachers, and the government should collaborate to make sure their schoolchildren fit, so they can learn well at school. Likewise, they should give an insight to children about advantages of healthful food so that they know the reasons why consume it must to do seriously.

(300 words)
fahmisadja   
Nov 26, 2015
Undergraduate / Computers and Me - computer science, mathematics, programming languages, the Linux terminal - for UC [5]

Hi Rene,
I'll try to give you some comments...

I'm pleased to read your essay, to be honest that it is really inspiring! While you have strong background that drives you to achieve your dreams, You are pretty good to explain your goals. Then, you have answered the question, but in my opinion you have improve some as well.

Well, it is better if you straight to the point in second paragraph. So, you can maximize your words to tell essential story that encourage the reader to pay attention in your essay. Also, I believe that you have to write balanced idea between your experiences and goals. on the other hand, you take more proportion for your stories in the past. Therefore, let your readers know about your dream and interest too. Explore more your detail dream in your essay, please :)

Here, I have some tips for writing essay based on experiences. I told to many people who joined in this forum. But, while I rewrite for you, I hope it can be useful for you. Use method : STAR , your story should include :

1. Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience).
2. Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.).
3. Result (what happen when you did your action).
This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively.

Sometimes we don't need to tell our feeling in our story, let our readers know by themselves. Likewise, I hope this method will drive you to write just the way you are, then the readers can feel it.

Good luck then :)

fahmisadja   
Nov 26, 2015
Undergraduate / Studying abroad had enabled my to take in and learn about new cultures - Topic A) answer [4]

Hi Jose,
Let me to give you some comments...

I like your essay, while it has no grammatical error and easy to understand, you have a good experience. Then, I just imagine that it gonna be fun to be your position. However Jose, I didn't find the complete story. I don't know why, maybe because you don't tell completely what do you do to adjust your diversity with your friends when you play soccer. So, I can't feel your striving or struggling to undergo the differentiation. Moreover, you should tell your feeling and explanation respectively. For instance, you feel curious; then explain why; what you do for answering your curiosity; so after you face the reality, what values that you get or what knowledge that you learn, do it influence you or your life? Tell it briefly, completely, and clearly in your essay or narration. Let the readers know the reason and explanation.

Well, I have some tips for writing essay based on experiences. I told to many people who joined in this forum. But, maybe it can be useful for you. Use method : STAR, your story should include :

1. Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience).
2. Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.).
3. Result (what happen when you did your action).
This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively.

I hope It helps, good luck then...

fahmisadja   
Nov 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Happiness Levels For Married And Unmarried People In The US [NEW]

A breakdown of happiness level for married and unmarried people in the United State is revealed by two of the bar charts; above chart shows the percentage based on range of age whereas the other uncovers the influence of children on married mates. It can be noticed that while married people achieve their life satisfaction higher than unmarried, single persons over 65 years of age are the greatest happiness.

According the first chart, the average percentage of married people's satisfaction is only 43% in which couples in the 18 to 29 age group are the largest point. Likewise, the lowest score is that they are aged 50 to 64 at 40% meanwhile people above 65 years of age are in the medium term at 44%. However, those who are unmarried and over the age of 65 reach at 34% of the best satisfaction while a similar level at average 21.5% is represented by the others.

Finally, there is not insignificant trend for people who have or do not have children, and all of them cannot accomplish to the greatest score even a half of 100%. They who have children less than 18 years of age stand at 44%. Then, at 43% and 41% are respectively experienced by people without children and with children more than 18 years old.

(218 words)




fahmisadja   
Nov 24, 2015
Scholarship / I am targeting for the scholarship Erasmus Mundus school - Motivation Statement Guidelines [3]

Hi Haris,

Let me to give you some comments...

I'm glad to see your attachment. Well, in my opinion your draft is like resume, curriculum vitae or portfolio. If I'm not mistaken, you should explain in narration or essay. Sometimes we call it statement of purpose. Firstly, you should express who are you actually (what do influence your career) and what your professional interest (what is your plan after you finish your study in the university?).

The main purpose of motivation statement is to give a description about your goals and backgrounds that can influence your application to be accepted in university which you want. Moreover, at least you have to mention :

1. things that made you who are now.
2. what motivate you to do something and why i really want to do this study
3. why you choose special country or university to continue your study
4. why you choose particular program/major

You will write about your interest or passion later. So, some people tell experience to show it. I have some tips for writing essay based on experiences. Fortunately, I told to many people who joined in this forum. But, maybe it can be useful for you. Use method : STAR , your story should include, Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience), Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.), and Result (what happen when you did your action). This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively.

I hope it can help. Good luck then :)

fahmisadja   
Nov 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The state Has An Obligation To Give Free Education And Health Services [2]

All education and healthcare should be funded by the government and free for everyone. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people argue that the state has an obligation to give free education and health services for every single citizen. I totally agree with this argument since law and order regulate that welfare of society is responsibility of the government. However, while poor people receive the assistance, the persons who are wealthy do not need to be fully funded.

As governments, they have authorities to manage State's income through natural resources and taxes, and use it for prosperous purpose by improving services. Therefore, the governments develop state hospitals and schools to help poor people, so that they can access easily because they really need. Likewise, they provide the best infrastructures and qualified human resources to give the greatest services to them. But, the states have to be selective only for the poorer.

However, I think that the government should encourage society to effort, not only waiting the aid from the state, but also achieving the welfare life. For instance, the richer can choose private services and pay by their selves when they need to cure diseases or education. On the other hand, the richer appears inaccurate target for receiving helps from the state. They can use their own money and take a part to support poor people instead.

To sum up, I do believe that the governments need to help poor people to allocate some money for them to get free healthcare and education. Moreover, it will be more suitable than every single one obtains including the wealthy individuals. Furthermore, society's welfare is responsibility of all people in the world, so they should motivate and inspire one and another.

(270 word)
fahmisadja   
Nov 23, 2015
Undergraduate / UIUC Transfer - Life is a like a game of cards [4]

Hi Malik,
Let me give you some comments..

In my opinion your style how you answer the questions is not appropriate, and it has not clearly explained yet. You tell with variety of analogies that can be confused. Why you did not give reasonable statement that relate with your motivations, backgrounds, and dreams? Moreover, you should show your passion. I guess you know much information about Illinois, so let the campus know what your intention which it can help you to improve with its program study/major and facilities. In other words, prove that you really interest in your major based on your background while the university provides the study that you really want.

However, for showing your intention and passion you need to tell your experiences. Then, I have some tips for writing essay based on experiences. I told to many people who joined in this forum. But, maybe it can be useful for you. Use method : STAR , your story should include, Situation/Task (what kind of jobs/responsibilities you tackle/handle or the situation that you experience), Action (what did you do to solve/accomplish/response problems/troubles/tasks/obligations/situation/experience etc.), and Result (what happen when you did your action). This method will help you to make the flow of story attractively.

I hope it can help, good luck then :)

fahmisadja   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Average annual spending on cell phone and residental phone services [2]

Hi Anggi,
I'll try to give you some comments...


A breakdown of the average of consumers spending in Americaby Americanspeople(American means Person of America, so you only need to add 's' after word 'American') on mobile phone and landline phone services(I'm not sure that it is appropriate, but sorry I have found the certain word yet)between 2001 and 2010, a 10-year period is(Better you choose one of them)illustratedrevealedinby the line chart. Overall, the both expenditures have different rates. In any case, while the cell phone had upward trend, the figure for residential phone servicesthe other decreased gradually over the yeartime frame .

In 2001, the most popular Us Cc onsumerswaswere on landline phone servicesthatwhichwas spent anataverage underless than $700, compared to with$200 on cell phone servicesat $200 . After a 5-year period, the figure for spending on residential phone services declined by $200to over $500 , but on cell phone experienced a dramatic rise by approximately at $300.

note : to make your nice flow, you can make different term to present your data. Sometimes you can uncover your level/percentage/price first, then item, then trend. or you can switch it, so your reader will enjoy your writing, and do not get bored.

Good luck then, I hope it can helps :)

fahmisadja   
Nov 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: To Be An Entrepreneur Has More Advantages Than To Be A Worker [3]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, being an employee in a company does not become a choice for several people than having own business. In my opinion, although entrepreneurs need much money and look for an opportunity to build their business, they can manage freely their office hours and are able making money for their income. In addition, I do believe that a business person can help more people than the other.

The most challenge for entrepreneurs is capitals, so they may meet enormous debt from bank. Therefore, they have to effectively estimate the budget to build office, pay the workers, hire notary to legalize their business, and produce what products or services they want to engage. Another reason is to appear strong chance to improve the production that really people expected. They must seriously think about to make unique and qualify creation, promote it to public, ensure consumers, and determine attractive or competitive price of it.

On the other hand, while entrepreneurs have to invest big capitals for their business, they have privileges to manage their works by themselves. For example, restaurant owners can open their business without any enforcement. Then, they can hire someone to improve their company because they have the highest authority. Furthermore, they can make money more than their workers. Because they get a large amount of profit, they can pay the employees regularly, go around the world, and do some charities. Likewise, I do believe business person can help more people to get a job. Moreover, they can motivate others to be rich man and inspire them.

All in all, while to be an entrepreneur has more advantages than to be a worker, the great entrepreneurs will undergo the business and deal with risks and problems. However, people who have no courage to start business, they can look for a company which can safely support their live.

(308 world)