angga93
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Responsibility for teaching children how to behave. [3]
Hello Hoang, I have read your writing and here is my suggestion for you.
1. Your thesis statement briefly explains what you'll talking about in your essay, so that it will automatically shows your grouping in your writing. In this case, your thesis statement groups your idea into (a) only parents take responsibility, (b) government and schools also take responsibility
2. You have 2 groups of view, and you should consistent about it. You have to include main idea in each body paragraph which is related to your two groups respectively. And, to make a cohesive paragraph, you have to avoid adding statements which are irrelevant to your main idea. From your writing, your first body should explain "why people assume that only parents is responsible", but you write some reasons why schools also responsible for it which is belong to your second body paragraph.
I hope it is helpful :)
Hello Hoang, I have read your writing and here is my suggestion for you.
1. Your thesis statement briefly explains what you'll talking about in your essay, so that it will automatically shows your grouping in your writing. In this case, your thesis statement groups your idea into (a) only parents take responsibility, (b) government and schools also take responsibility
2. You have 2 groups of view, and you should consistent about it. You have to include main idea in each body paragraph which is related to your two groups respectively. And, to make a cohesive paragraph, you have to avoid adding statements which are irrelevant to your main idea. From your writing, your first body should explain "why people assume that only parents is responsible", but you write some reasons why schools also responsible for it which is belong to your second body paragraph.
I hope it is helpful :)