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Posts by Beauty17
Name: Meireza Ajeng Pratiwi
Joined: May 30, 2016
Last Post: Dec 6, 2016
Threads: 56
Posts: 79  
From: Indonesia
School: Institut Teknlogi Sepuluh Nopember

Displayed posts: 135 / page 1 of 4
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Beauty17   
Dec 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 (The graph shows information about kinds of important communication ability) [5]

Hallo alfin kurnia.. it is nice to read your essay. However, i have found some mistakes in your essay. let me to give you severa notes!

1. Why you did not upload the picture for this essay ? if you do not have the picture file just search in google and use the question as a keyword. If you could not find the picture just take the graph picture from book use your camera than upload it. You will make your reader confuse if you did not put any picture here. Please avoid this mistake in your next essay.

2. You did not put any overview in your essay. You have to know that overview is crucial for ielts writing task 1. If you read band descriptor, even in band 5 you need to put your overview although it is not clear. You can use word "OVERALL" to give sign on your overview sentence, thus the reader will realize it that you already give your overview in your introduction paragraph. You can open this link takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/IELTS_task_1_Writing_band_descriptors.pdf to know more about IELTS writing task 1 band descriptor.

3. I also cannot find your measured in your introduction. Three main items that you have to concern on your introductory paragraph are You must paraphrase your question well, and you write the measure of your question, if there are further information about time and place you need to put those on the paraphrasing sentence. After that you put your overview in the following sentence, which depict the major changes or predominant things that you can conclude from the graph.

4. For your first body paragraph, it should explain your first overview, and from the first sentence reader should be able to know how you grouping your essay. First, you have immensely unclear grouping in your essay because you did not put any overview here. Next, you have to make it with smooth flow sentece. You can use cohesive device to give a sign in different sentence.

good luck :-) :-) :-)
Beauty17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The list regarding the forms of travel which experienced the changes during five years in Britain [2]

Hi,there are several mistakes in your summary.
1. ... in Britain is revealed in the tables. in the table (only one table/singular)
2.presented by miles per person in each visibleyears . ----> each followed by singular
3.while the number of pedestrians and the local bus saw a significant decrease ... ----> be careful to represents data. in my point of view, there are only a slight decrease for pedestrians by 18 people and not precisely two-folds lower than in the same.

Keep writing and break a leg!
Beauty17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / How Cyber Monday Is Transforming as Shoppers Get Better Connected [3]

Hi,there are several mistakes in your summary.

1.because people tend to take easy ...
2. it will be predicted always developing over time---> passive
3. The top online shops in the USA (...) and they give the easiest ( superlative) shopping ...

Keep writing and break a leg!
Beauty17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of alteration in means of transport in England between 1985 and 2000 by distance/person [2]

The table below gives information about changes in modes of travel in England between 1985 and 2000

A comparison of alteration in means of transport in England between 1985 and 2000 according to average distance of person per year in miles is shown in the table. Overall, a huge number of inhabitants spent their furthest travel by car in both years while journey which used taxi was the shortest distance in 1985.

To begin with, transports which had car engine traveled 3705 miles in 1985. At that time, local bus trip was 429 miles, which was lower about six times than car. Meanwhile, other vehicles had journey not more than 55 miles. In 2000, taxi and local distance bus had a significant increase and car experienced the same. Taxi increased by 29 miles while local distance bus witnessed higher three times than it was in 1985. Lastly, local bus decreased to 274 miles in the latest year.

The rest of modes of travel had a short distance. People had walked not more than 260 miles in both years and bicycle declined slightly by 10 miles in 2000. Then, train and other transports traveled 239 and 450 miles respectively in 1985. In the next following period, those transports inclined by more than 100 miles.



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Beauty17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED (v) Hans Rosling Debunking third-world myths with the best stats you've ever seen [2]

hallo dioba.. here my suggestion toward your essay

... the circle represents as every country in the world. The result is industrial countries represent (...), while developing countries had big family ...

I am sorry first to mark this sentence because i found something odd in my mind. First, in your previous sentence you said that the speaker illustrates some symbols then you told about the result. I still can not understand what result did you mean and why you use 2 differents language of times there.

... represented as family which Asmall family ...
Even though, (COMMA) they are neighbour, ...

good luck!
Beauty17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / (summary) Google Translate AI invents its own language to translate with [2]

There is improving in the ability of google translate. Google Translate currently supports 103 languages and translates over 140 billion words every day. Now, it becomes smarter. It is because Google has extended its system so that it can handle multiple pairs - and it can translate between two languages when it hasn't been directly trained to do so or known as neural translation. Neural translation technology can already do a good job for simple texts. However, a good human translator understands the meaning of the source text, as well as its stylistic and lexical characteristics, and can use that knowledge to give a more accurate translation.
Beauty17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of mechanism to produce electricity using wave is provided by the charts [3]

Halllo diana..

... process is started by entered sea water into (...) column which can stir the turbine. This process can turn on the lamp.
... out from chamber, pressure within chamber increase .

1. By is preposition and after preposition must be followed by gerund
2. Repetitive can, you have to change it with be able to
3. Pressure within chamber increase when the water turning out, i think you have miss understood for this point. In my perspective when the water flow from outside the chamber, pressure in the chamber is lower than outside column thus air from outside is able to blow to the column and stir the turbine.


I hope it helps. Good Luck!
Beauty17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: A structure that is used to generate electricity from wave power [2]

Halllo septia.. here my suggestion for you, i hope it helps!

The diagrams illustrates illustrate how wave ...

1. Be carefull toward subject verb agreement. I suggest you to re-check your essay before you submit it.

2. Based on your essay i quite confuse about your explanation because you did not put any information which one your explanation for A diagram or B diagram. You essay will be better if you make it more clearly thus you will get higher score in your task achievement.

Good Luck!
Beauty17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / An online dating? I would not recommend it to my single friends [2]

With the latest technological advancements, dating is now possible online. Would you recommend online dating for your single friends? What are the advantages and disadvantages of online dating? Site some examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, dating online is a trend after the invention of sophisticated devices. Personally, I will not recommend my single friends to follow this way. Although the benefits of dating online are saving time, but this method tend to emerge an enormous number of fraud matters.

First of all, the convenient of life since people are accustomed use cutting-edge gadgets make plenty number of websites which provide online dating. They believe that from this activity they are able to meet their mate. Moreover, they do not spend much time to acquaint about ourselves to each other. Taking Sandra Dewi that is an Indonesia artist as an example. First time, she dated her husband from facebook and they started to online dating. Then, their relationship became more serious until they married. She told to public that she felt comfort when had dating online because she did not need to meet often and she was able to have long distance relationship.

However, online dating is risky. People are able to be victims of a large number of fraud problems. The users of dating online can manipulate the data about them and it culminates to crime. Based on the data of internet security agent in 2015, 78% of people ever experienced an offence from online dating and the highest rating was deception case. Therefore, I am going to give suggestion toward my single friend to never have a relationship from dating online.

To sum up, I believe that online dating tend to be at risk thus I do not recommend this way to my single peers. Whereas people can gain time from this method, a huge number of deception problems is able to be found.
Beauty17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Modernization of public facilities in 2009 and other adjustments in the Lakeside town [2]

A comparison of changes in the lakeside between 2000 and 2009 is shown in the two pictures. Overall, the number of residential areas experienced a decrease in 2009.

It can be seen that, there were some improvements of public facilities in 2009. Art centre which was located at west side of the river became a cinema at that time, while school still in similar condition as same as in 2000. However, increasing of higher level education facility was clearly seen. Old town was replaced by complex of university and offices tower. Residential area in the south west was altered to be a shopping centre while north west residential area still can be found. In contrast, the derelic house was switched to car park in 2009.

On the other hand, the significant alteration was able to be seen in the south east of lake. There was developing of industrial complex to become larger and did away with housing area. Lastly, size of lake was reducing and became pond in 2009.



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Beauty17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of systems that can be used to produce electricity by wave power ... [2]

The diagrams show a structure that is used to generate electricity from wave power.

A comparison of systems that can be used to produce electricity by wave power is shown in the diagrams. In general, both systems use same equipments such as chamber, column, and turbine. These same structures are able to generate electricity by using air pressure which blow from under and above the turbine.

To begin with, in picture A, the chamber is located beside cliff or sea wall. Then, when wave of seawater are pushed to the chamber, it will be directed to the turbine. There is a rise volume of water in chamber which is able to increase the pressure of air. Flow of air and its pressure can rotate turbine in column clockwise and after that electricity is generated.

On the other hand, on another picture, the flow of air comes above the turbine. It is because reducing energy of wave after water turn out the chamber creates small pressure of air in the chamber. Therefore, air from outside chamber is flowing to the column and rotates turbine. Lastly, that rotation produces the electricity.



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Beauty17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The time when young people finished their school and before take a lecture in the college [5]

hallo yurike here my suggestion for you..

... some advantages toworkingwork in young time, I believe that THERE ARE many disadvantages too.
... work experience and financial matters, meanwhile, the disadvantages (...) and also deficiency on finances.


From your introductory, i think you need learn more about grammatical. First, about to infinitive. In your essay you put v-ing after to in which your mean is to infinitive. It is essential for you to know this, that after to, in form to infinitive, is V1. The second is about your thesis statement, why you put financial matters as the benefits and it also as your drawbacks. It is quite odd and makes reader confuse with your essay. It will make the reader did not fascinate to continue read your essay. So better if you create it quite far between the advantages and its disadvantages.

Good Luck!
Beauty17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'Head hunting' - solitary and work in a team [5]

Hallo diana.. here my suggestion for you..

... be recruited as employees in certain company

I think this is my second time two remind you that you need put plural noun after word Certain. Based on Cambridge dictionary, certain has 7 meaning and one of them is particular. For this case in your essay you want to make it in Particular therefore you make it like "certain company". However, it will be correct if you follow it with plural noun like "Certain People" thus you must write in your essay "certain companies".

Please avoid this grammatical error in your next essay and Good Luck !
Beauty17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / A person who is able to give a new idea and is independent, is appropriate to be recruited for a job [2]

SOME PEOPLE THINK WHEN RECRUITING, COMPANIES SHOULD AIM TO TAKE ON PEOPLE WHO ARE INNOVATIVE AND ABLE TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY WHILE OTHERS CONSIDERED THEY SHOULD RECRUIT PEOPLE WHO ARE ABLE TO WORK IN A TEAM AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.

A Person who is able to give a new idea and independent is appropriate to be recruited in some companies while others need submissive employee who can work as a team. Personally, I believe it depends on sectors which companies focus on. Innovative people who work independently are suitable for research and development sector in chemical industries while another who can socialize when working will be worked by commerce companies.

To begin, a large number of chemical companies seeks fresh graduate who is able to create breakthrough and independent for developing base knowledge. This happen because to achieve an improvement, people who are not dependent to others are able to give brilliant innovation from research which they will do. Taking an information of Kurita waste water treatment company from Japan in 2015 as an example, gave some selections to measure whether its job applicants are innovators and be able to work without any help from other people. Therefore, for this job area, they recruit job applicant who can create a new method and idea for growing up company.

However, in another section like trade companies, they employ people who can work together and follow company's instructions because those employees are needed to market products and running business planning. Based on experience of my aunt who works in Hatric, one of sales company in Indonesia, she was forced to be able to communicate with other employees in her team. If her team had decided one idea then company ask them to change it suddenly, they cannot do anything. That way commerce company choose obedient persons who can team work.

To sum up, whatever aim when look for a new employee, it exactly will be matched toward company background. Scientific industry is going to recruit innovative and independent persons while other like trade companies will choose them who are submissive and can work as a team.
Beauty17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / People must give much effort to success besides our pray to the God for getting a successful life. [2]

Some people think that hard work and determination are the keys to success in life. Some, on the other hand, think that there are other factors behind a successful life. Give your opinion

A large number of factors which certain people say can make someone success while others think only hard work and trying hard are reasons for achieving a desire. Personally, I tremendously believe that people must give much effort to success besides our pray to the god for giving a successful life.

To begin, humans are not able to reach their dream without do anything. If they have a high dream, they must give hard work to make it come true. Taking my friend as an example, his name is Irwan. He is one of the most successful students in my university because he got scholarship to continue his study in Hiroshima University Japan before he graduated from undergraduate program. Behind this, he put all of his energy to study hard and made my lecture promoted him to Japan government. Therefore, nothing is able to happen without hard work or determination. If people want to success, there is a large amount of sweat, tear, time and energy they put on it.

However, many people do not realize that there is one main another factor. It is our destiny. We should never forget after much energy is given to raise a desire, after that pray to the God who creates a destiny. Only him who is able to help us, thus every step to success will feel easier. A numerous number of persons has felt the strongest of praying in their successful life. For instance is my father. He always prays to God thus his effort is answered with his dream becomes reality now. Finally, our destiny depends on our pray to God and our big effort to make a beautiful destiny.

To sum up, I believe that determination and hard work are causes to raise success. Both factors, must be supported with always remember to the god and pray for a successful life.
Beauty17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Learning grammar is not suitable for students at primary school [2]

Hallo ivan.. here my suggestion toward your essay.. first i will concern on your introduction.

Learning language is essential for everyone ...

1. You have made a good complex sentence.
2. You have paraphrase the question well
3. However you have a little bit mistake in your thesis statement. You did not explain the point why the benefits outweigh its drawback. If you want to get higher score you must explain it briefly in your introductory thus it will attract the reader to read more your essay. Please avoid this mistake in your next writing.

Good Luck

Beauty17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The ability of children to comprehension of a foreign language is much better at the primary school [4]

Hallo indah.. here my notes for you..

This essay will discuss the advantages (...) outweigh the drawbacks. >>> If you want to get higher score, better you explain what the advantage and its disadvantage briefly in your introduction. From this way, you will attract the reader to read more your essay.

Today, additional subject in [...] the early of academic stages. (You need to the point in the first line in focusing what will you explain)

I realize that you put your advantages as your point of you in the first paragraph then your disadvantages in the second. However, as far as i know, you must put your point of you in the second body if you agree that the benefits outweigh it drawbacks.

good luck
Beauty17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Childhood is the period of building skills like speaking an international language [2]

Hallo riski.. here my suggestion toward your essay..

ChildrenChildhood is the periodto improve more skills ...
... the first education in of school for children ...
This essay will discuss the merit of learning at first education of childand then, explanation of negative effect if kids learn other language than their local language.

riski.. i found something odd about your essay starting from your introduction. You have achieved to put what the advantages briefly in your introduction, however you did not make it outweigh than its drawbacks. You give same number of each benefit and disadvantage. Moreover, your drawbacks is not appropiate i guess. Perphaps your essay will be better if you explain the disadvantages of learn international languages since primary school not about comparison with local language. You must make your introduction attractive thus reader will continue to read on your body paragraph. Keep writing and Good Luck
Beauty17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Glamour celebrities or grey commoners on television, radio or newspapers? [3]

Hallo dioba.. i want to give you some suggestion..

There are several reasons to encourage my point of view. You are able to put your reason why you agree toward this notion here. It will be better and can increase your score in this section.. However, in another part, you already success to paraphrase the question by using some sophisticated words.

... attention without exception FOR young generation which really easy is affectedINFLUENCEby bad habits of celebrities. They are unaware about the consequence if they follow celebrity ...

... live in jail as the consequence . For the result, the career of the artists will be disappear ...

GOOD LUCK!
Beauty17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The benefits from study a new language in the elementary school outweight its drawbacks [2]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Learning foreign language at primary school has been believed by certain experts is better than starting it when secondary school. The benefits from study language of overseas in elementary school are outweigh its drawback, because in that time children fast in understanding and also still build up their language. Besides, if juvenile learn foreign language in early age, they will study longer than others who are starting to learn when secondary school. However, it needs a suitable teaching method for them as its drawback.

Most children are difficult to put their concentration when study foreign languages thus they will become bored faster. Therefore, the appropriate method for them must be used by teachers to make them love with that subject. Yet, only a few teachers who are success teach children about language from another country by interesting way. Taking my aunty who an English teacher as an example. She was success use various methods when she teach English, to attract her student at primary school. In contrast, her friend feels hard to fascinate pupils for learning English.

When teacher is able to package her learning method with fascinating way, children who learn other languages will get many advantages. It is because that, in the age of primary school student is the best time for their brain for understanding language with maximal. They still process to build up their language in that time. Moreover, when they starting learn International language in this earlier time, they will spend their studying time longer, thus they are going to get more knowledge of languages. Based on research of Van Smith, one of language lectures from University of Sydney in 2015, the best time for children to learn foreign languages when their age about 8 until 12 years-old. Therefore, children should start to learn other countries languages since elementary school.

To sum up, the advantages of learning foreign languages at primary school are outweigh its drawback. Children can learn longer and maximal in that time although it must use some attractive teaching methods.
Beauty17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, a son or a daughter can learn at home and some people believe that this is the best way [2]

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.

Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.


Nowadays, son and daughter can learn at home where some people believe that this is the best way. While, for another, they prefer that it is important for children to go to school. This essay first will discuss about the advantage of studying at home or known as homeschooling which makes children do not be limited by restrict school rule and obligation while if they study at school they can get more friends. Personally, I am more likely if children learn at school because in that place they learn how to be responsible person.

To begin with, homeschooling or study at school has its each positive side and those types of learning are suited with needs of children. For instance, Aurelia Hermansyah, one of Indonesia teenage singers. She has many activities to perform on air or off air thus she is not able to follow rule and obligation to study at school. As a result, she chooses learning at home which is appropriate with her condition.

In contrast, children who are able to study at school will feel different advantages. They can meet a large number of people then have a lot of friends. They are going to more grasp about struggling when they study together with their peers. Based on the data of Sara Lim from National University of Singapore in 2015, children who study at school are more able to achieve their maximal of building character because of they socialize in their group which taking role 47% in their future life. That way in my view, I choose children to go to school not only for that reason but also they become more responsible toward their school obligation. In fact that, they will appreciate time because school forces them to start the class in early morning. Moreover, from school they learn how to finish many assignments well. Therefore, the peak of character building to responsible is formed at school.

To sum up, Juvenile will free from many school rules and assignments when they study at home. Meanwhile, young people learning at school will get a huge number of friends. In my perspective, the main good affect from school is responsible which school put on each student.
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Voluntary of Adult Youths for the Development Communities [4]

... involve to work for thatits improvement. I totally agree that they should work ... .

In my perspective, this question is not about agree or disagree. The fact, you are asked about your opinion toward this question.. thus, it will be better if you use, in my view, personally, or in my perspective. If you make your essay like this, i feel odd when read the question then your introduction. It can make reader uninteresting to continue read your body and conclusion. So.. keep practice and Good luck!
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Teenagers are needed to involve voluntarily into certain community [3]

Teenagers are needed to involve IN certaincommunitycommunities .
... people for developing certaingrubgroups should be paid by ...

First of all, in this era, (punctuation) people have (...) to achieve it. moreover Moreover, when youths work for certain community communities, they should ...

1. Certain must be followed by plural noun and based on oxford dictionary, community is countable. So, you should use communities

Good luck!
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / A responsibility of youths, who are aged under of 25, to contribute to communities [2]

Hallo reski.. after read your essay, i have some notes for you.

1. You need to practice more to make compound sentence so your sentence will be better. For instance in this case :
... must get income when THEY ARE called up for working. THUS, THEY to do maximal job because ...

2. SUPERLATIVE ->
... periods which have THE highest creativity, ...

Work voluntarily is usually THEY do them because, they (...) get paid to communities, while their organization which teach them about other skills such as leadership, social life and so on. (i confuse with your sentence here. But YET it can make them ...

This situation does not good to improvement of communities improve the communities, ...

Good luck
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / People will give their best if they know that can get high salary for their work [2]

Hallo wily.. here i try to give you some notes.. i hope it helps.

... 72 percent people have great motivation to ...
However, there are people in a small scale have high ...

1. Be careful if you want to make fake data, because you still need make the data appropriate. Most people know that WHO is one of united nation organization about world health thus if you put this fake data to support your statement about work motivation, it will improperly.

2. Keep focus on complex sentence. After analyze your last sentence in this paragraph, you need to know that 2 verbs need 1 conjunction. So your sentence must be :


"... people ... who have high social mental to help their community just as voluntary"

Good luck
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children pressures related to getting a high score in school, bullying, and expensive gadgets [3]

... changing point of view, choosing good friends, andfocusing on studying which is the steps that ...
Subject verb agreement ->> choosing... and focusing... which are the steps..

Overall your introduction was good. You were able to explain your point of view in your introduction clearly and briefly.. and the most important you can achieve your task achievement..


Good luck !
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Causes of Children's Life Pressures and Its Solution [3]

Hallo miss anna.. here my suggestion for you..

... young people are experiencing experience some problems in to be forced ... (What problems to be forced do you mean? Must be the best or what? It must be clear here)

(In the introduction you will make sentence better if you put what is the causes and solutions briefly)
Every parent provides the best things (...) will do the best to the best results. (Repetition of best)
... sometimes is terrifying things for children. They push themselves to get the best.
... 86% students who got(in the past form, but where is your time frame? )depression in their academic ...

Good luck
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / US witnessed the highest proportion in housing while the lowest proportion was UK in the health care [3]

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009

A comparison of proportion of shares of expenditures in five different countries in 2009 is shown in the bar chart. Overall, the United States witnessed the highest proportion in housing while the lowest proportion was United Kingdom in health care sector.

It can be seen that, in the major needs of human life, housing was the highest proportion in all countries except Japan, more than 23% in America and UK while Canada was the lowest proportion in this sector. In contrast, Canada was the highest proportion in clothing demand at 7% and there was small gap between Japan and USA. Another sector, Food experienced 22% in Japan while Canada was lower 7% than Japan. Lastly, the minority of food expenditures was in America only 14%.

Transportation sector witnessed 20% in Canada. Whereas, Japan was lower 10% than Canada. The second highest proportion in this area was United States around 17%. On the other hand, a very small percentage was England, Japan and Canada in health care category. UK experienced the lowest percentage only 10% while America was the greatest, two times than Japan and Canada.



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Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / STUDENT COMPETENCY TEST: male pupils turned out to be better in Geography than girls? [3]

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.

A comparison of proportion of high school competency test which are passed by pupils according to compulsory and their gender during academic year 2010-2011 is shown in the bar chart. Overall, male students had percentage of passing exam higher than female only in Geography and the lowest proportion of male who passed exam was in chemistry.

It can be seen that, in science subjects, the highest proportion competency of girl students was computer science. There was 56.3% and it was higher 14.2% than boys in the same compulsory. The small gap of percentage between male and female students were in mathematics and physics by not more than 3%. Meanwhile, the lowest percentage of both genders was in chemistry, only a minority of male students at 14% and female students were higher about two times than male pupils.

On the other hand, in social subjects, the highest proportion for both not more than 50%. Foreign languages experienced the greatest proportion for boys and girls students at 46.8% and 47.4% respectively. Lastly, the lowest percentage of female competency in social area was geography while for male student was in history.



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Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / High competition with other people makes parents to force their children to success - a big pressure [4]

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

In the present time, education, social and buying or selling life give higher pressures for children than in the past. The causes of this condition are high competition with other people and parents force their children to success in those sectors. Thus, the solutions to tackle this matter are guidance from parents to give support for their child and parents together with teachers must teach them to more ready in facing life challenges.

Children are forced to think and act more mature when they face life problems. They get many pressures when they study, making friendship with other people and life with money orientation. Furthermore, certain parents ask them to get high rank at school. Also, children often find the gap in social status among students and it encourages them to have commercial perspective. Taking data from UNICEF in early 2016, Nowadays, student get 53% higher pressures from their life environment especially parents and school life. Therefore, most of them fail to face this matter and become lonely persons.

On the other hand, parents and teachers are able to handle this situation. Parents should not force their children to be the best in all parts. They must guide their children to find their favourite subjects, hobbies, and their dreams. Besides, teachers and parents must work together to teach and prepare them to become more mature and ready to life pressures with build up the strong believe in religion. Based on the data from Children International Foundation in the middle of 2016, parents and teachers have full responsibility to help children overcome many kinds of life pressures. Thus, children must be prepared for their future life by those people.

To sum up, gap in some parts of life which encourage children to stay in competition and parents who force their children to success in all aspects are the causes of children pressures. The measures to reduce this problem are parents and teachers guidance.
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Development communities usually utilize young adults to work for them [2]

Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion

Development communities usually utilize adult young to work with them. Youth can work voluntarily or they can get salary from that activity. In my perspective, communities for development must pay them because youth spend their energy and time to work. Although only less money which is given as its salary, but it is a form of appreciation toward service from young people to this organizations.

Most of youth purpose in development organizations is not to earn much money but they must get paid for their energy which they put to manage this community. Actually, young people are able to use their energy to do other activities and perhaps they can earn much more money from other jobs. However, because of people soul are called to help each other in development communities, they are willing to use their energy for working there even though they only get less salary. Taking data from United Nation in 2015, 67% people who work in development organizations receive if they are paid with small salary. Therefore, these communities must appreciate adult youths energy with give them money.

Another reason, young people spend their precious time to think and arrange these communities. Based on the data from International Human Rights Organizations in 2016, most of young employees who work in organizations of development give 58% of their life time to focus on their job. This activity reduces their time for studying or having fun with their peers. Thus, why they must be paid is because they diminish their feeling to hang out or play. Whereas they are paid with less value of money, but this can support them to work maximal in this community.

To sum up, youth people who are employed in development communities should be paid. It is because they spend their energy and time to work there and this money is used to appreciate them.
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recently, youth movement has developed significantly, especially throughout voluntary activities [3]

Hallo faiz.. here my suggestion for you..

It is common that people that (better you change it with who so that there is not repetition) join into (...), and I argue that it is greater rather ...

In contrast, if the adult youths that work in voluntary mission is already told that (...), we can see ... (subject verb agreement.. it must use are because the subject is plural)

Good luck
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Truth of Turkey and Tryptophan [9]

Hallo yurike.. here my suggestion for you.. i hope it helps

... reputation to make eaters FEEL sleepy.
... tryptophan that has the function to against sleepiness with the much much more of protein which .

Good luck
Beauty17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Elizabeth Gilbert tells the audience about how creativity can survive from failure. [4]

Hallo dioba.. here my suggestion for you..

... she wants to be a writer. Since she was child tried to send her bad stories and hoped to be found by The New Yorker, a newspaper in that era. Moreover, she still tried to more writing and struggling to make her work got published.

Since she was child, she tried to send her bad stories and hoped to be found by The New Yorker,....
... and struggling for making her work be published. (Be carefull with passive sentence.. You want to make it in passive but you made in active sentence. Thus, your sentence sound odd)


Unfortunately, she (...) and almost makesMADE her stressful. [...](Unconsistent language of time. In my perspective, it should be past form)

keep writing and good luck
Beauty17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Internet will replace library - it's a matter of time [3]

Some people think it is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home to obtain information, do you agree or disagree?

Establishing the library is useless for certain people because they believe internet is able to replace the function of library to acquire information. I totally disagree toward this statement because Internet cannot completely displace the role of libraries.

On the one hand, some people argue that build the library in recent days only waste of money because people already rely on the convenience of cutting-edge application. However, the advance of technology in Internet has some drawbacks when people over use it. Unless there is library as source of knowledge, people only depend on gadget screen which is not good for their health. Based on the data from UNESCO in 2016, students in the whole world are recommended to read a book than read an e-book because knowledge will be easier understood besides there is an unhealthy impact of learn from e-book. Thus, inhabitants still need a library to obtain millions information.

On the other hand, many sophisticated devices nowadays provide internet program for the users to create convenient life. In fact, people can use this tool every time and everywhere. Internet does not spend much time and this is easy to use for people in various ages. They are also able to get recent information fast. Taking the data of Head Office Google Company in 2015, Internet can make people update with the recent news two time faster than conventional ways like newspaper and magazine. Therefore, a huge number of people depend on the Internet in all sides such as education, lifestyle, and business transaction.

To sum up, I believe that libraries function cannot be changed by internet forever. Although internet makes everything easier, people need library to improve their knowledge.
Beauty17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of source of energy to generate electricity in two different countries is shown [3]

WRITING TASK 1 ELECTRICITY SOURCES

A comparison of source of energy to generate electricity in two different countries is shown in the pie charts between 1980 and 2010. Overall, coal became the chief source for New Zealand in both years. Meanwhile, there was a change of base of electricity production in Germany from Natural Gas in 1980 to nuclear energy in 2010.

It could be seen that there were several changes in the usage of electricity source in New Zealand. To begin, Hydro increased slightly from 30 units in 1980 to 46 units in 2010. Besides, coal as the greatest number of source of electricity over those years witnessed a significant incline by 94 units in 2010. In contrast, natural gas and petroleum experienced fall to a very small number, 2 units for each in 2010.

Another country, Germany experienced a dramatic increase of nuclear from 20 units to the highest number 155 and the rise trend also happened in petroleum by 5 units in 2010. The rest of source electricity units such as hydro and natural gas decreased to the same number only 2 units in 2010 while coal remained constant at 28 units in both years.



  • ELECTRICITY.png
Beauty17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / During 1995-2010, the number of international visitors in USA, Brazil, Egypt and Malaysia increased [3]

A comparison of the number of foreigner visiting five different countries is shown in the line chart between 1995 and 2010 and it is measured in millions. Overall, the number of international visitors increased in those countries during this period and USA became the country with the highest number of worldwide tourist arrivals.

It can be seen that Brazil, Egypt and Malaysia had the same trends. Brazil and Egypt stood at below 10 millions in 1995 while Malaysia started two times higher than them in the same time. The number of travellers in Brazil and Egypt experienced same number in 1997. In the next years, people visited Egypt more than in Brazil until Egypt reached the greatest number of tourist arrivals at 20 millions in 2010. Meanwhile, the number of travellers visited Malaysia higher than Egypt and Brazil along these years and it achieved the top number at 50 millions in 2010.

Another country, France, had a significant increase by 60 million during 15 years. France experienced a dramatic rise from 30 to 60 millions in 2000. After that, it increased slightly to 65 millions in 2005 and raised the peak at 87 millions in 2010. On the other hand, USA witnessed a slight rise of 15 million from 1995 to 2010 and raised its highest number was 90 millions in 2006.



  • International_touris.png
Beauty17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The viewership rate of the news Channel one [4]

Writing Task 1 Channel one news viewing figures

A comparison of the number of channel one news viewers according to the show times between January and December measured in millions per day is shown in the line chart. Overall, most of people watched channel one news everyday at 6:00 p.m while the number of viewers at 1:00 p.m remained constant during this period.

It can be seen that the figure for people who watched at 1:00 p.m stood at 1.3 in January. In this category, there was no considerable change until December. In contrast, a very small number of people started to watch at 11:00 p.m in May. It witnessed a dramatic increase by 3.5 in July than reached its peak at 4.1 in August. After that, it dropped monthly until December.

People who watched at 6:00 p.m were declining over the time although there were some fluctuations. It raised the bottomed at 3.2 millions in December. However, the total number of viewers at 9:30 p.m is lower than at 6:00 p.m. The highest number of people watched at 9:30 p.m is 3.8 millions in May while the lowest at 1 million in August.



  • Channel_one_news.png
Beauty17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, many places in the world have difficulty to find water [3]

What are the causes of water scarcity? What are your solutions?

Nowadays, many places in the world have difficulty to find water. There are several causes of this scarcity such as deforestation and increasing of water user. The solutions to tackle this matter are making water permeating area and rainwater harvesting.

Water scarcity becomes common problem which happen in this era. A huge parts of the world facing this issue annually. Logging of forest makes declining in the number of tree populations where trees are the best water absorbent from nature. Plant will save and keep the amount of underground water supply thus when drought season comes, there is still water stock. However, deforestation makes dryness and water scarcity during drought season. Another reason is inclining the number of inhabitants thus more water is needed. Furthermore, water permeating areas are converted into housing along with the increasing of human population. Meanwhile, clean water source itself is still difficult to acquire.

There are some solutions to overcome this issue. Firstly is creating water absorbent area. It can be done by tree planting such as making garden and city forest. These plants will make pores in the ground as channel to permeate water. Secondly is constructing rainwater harvesting. This way will be done if soil is not able to absorb water with maximal. We can say that this method is building water reservoir like well to keep stock of water by channelling rain water use pipes or gutters to the well.

To sum up, reducing the number of plant population and overwhelming number of inhabitants who utilize water lead to water scarcity. Making absorbent area for water and constructing rainwater harvesting are the solutions which are able to overcome this problem
Beauty17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Information about learning something from television [2]

HALLO DIOBA.. here i try to give you some suggestions.. i hope it helps!

YOUR QUESTION

Some people say that you can ...

YOUR ANSWER

Observe television programs and movies...

MY COMMENTS

1. PARAPHRASE THE QUESTION SUCCESSFULLY
2. HAVE NOT ANSWER HOW TRUE THE STATEMENT. YOU MUST ANSWER THAT QUESTION WITH "THIS IS TRUE" OR THE OPPOSITE
3. IT IS NOT AGREE AND DISAGREE QUESTION
4. YOU HAVE NOT ANSWER ABOUT THE NEXT QUESTION " IS THERE ANYTHING YOU LEARN.."
5. YOU DID NOT EXPLAIN YOUR REASON.. ACTUALLY YOU MUST PUT YOUR BRIEF REASON IN YOUR INTRODUCTION

BE CAREFUL BECAUSE INTRODUCTION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT AND THE BASE IDEA FOR YOUR BODY PARAGRAPH..

KEEP WRITING AND GOOD LUCK !


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