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Posts by amrillahmk
Name: amrillahmk
Joined: Aug 4, 2016
Last Post: Nov 17, 2016
Threads: 29
Posts: 47  
Likes: 6
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Indonesia

Displayed posts: 76 / page 1 of 2
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Nov 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of graduates in Canada between 1992 and 2007 [3]

A breakdown of the information about both men and women who graduated in Canada over 15-year period is presented in the line graph. It is measured in the number of graduates every two years. Overall, the most significant facts to emerge are that both men and women had similar patterns and the figure of women led by far than men over the period shown.

In 1992, the number of women graduates stood at just under 100,000, higher than men. Subsequently, there was an increase to roughly 105,000 graduates in 1995, which was followed by a slight fall in 1998. From 1998 to 2006, a dramatic growth is shown by female graduates, in which its figure hit a high of 148,000 people in the end of the period

On the other hand, the initial figure for men was around 70,000 graduates. Then, its pattern showed a fluctuation until 2001. From 2001, men level rose gradually to hit at 95,000 graduates in 2006, lower than women in the end of the time frame shown.

Nov 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The New Forecast which is Predicted After Earthquake in New Zealand [5]

... by ocean and consists of many coastal areas

The next disaster has been occurred in New Zealand actually, i dont get this part due to you say it is next disaster, but already happened, mainly in Northern (...) regions that are consist of 313 quakes ...

The others can predict (...), there is thean earthquake with bigger ...

... that this prediction is not true thoroughly because it is unconnected with ...
Nov 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / It is commonly assumed that global warming is the major issue people have to cope up with currently [3]

Global warming is the biggest threat we face today.

To what extent do you agree or disagree.

It is commonly assumed that global warming is the major issue people have to cope up with in current circumstances. In my opinion, I would argue that I am in favor with this statement because several determinant factors which lead to global warming are happening, such as illegal logging, forest fires, an excessive amount of pollution from vehicles, and a waste from manufactured factories. Also, people as yet do not have any alternative planet to live on, so that this is absolutely the major issue to human beings.

I firmly believe that global warming is crucial and the biggest threat on earth these days because the causes of this problem is underway. The first main problems are the illegal logging and forest fires, in which most of forests have changed into human settlements, and loads of trees are cut down. In Indonesia recently all media outlets were inundated with the news regarding to forest fires and illegal logging, in several parts of its provinces, such as Riau and Borneo. This is a tangible proof that causes of the global warming is happening.

Subsequently, other causes are also happening, such as emission from cars and motorcycles and a waste from manufactured factories which litter many of Indonesian rivers. In fact, it is clear that there is a growing number of vehicles bought by people in many parts of the world. It means that the more people buy cars or motorcycles, the more emission soars to the atmosphere, which deteriorates current global warming. Moreover, in Indonesia, most of manufactured factories dispose their waste to the bank of the river, which triggered environmental issue. In fact, citarum river, located in west Java Indonesia, is one of the most polluted rivers in the world.

To sum up, because of the causes of global warming that still happening nowadays, such as illegal logging, forest fires, pollution, and waste, I believe global warming is the biggest threat that people have to cope up with. And so far, people merely have one planet to live, so that if people cannot prevent the causes of global warming, it is not impossible that the Earth will perish.
Nov 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Here's How Facebook Actually Won Trump the Presidency [5]

The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg,is hard to convincesconvince the citizens that Facebook had not had nefarious role ...
While, the dicectordirector of Trump Digital (...) media had been effective to send ...
... Facebook as their cmpaigncampaign media. It aims to give information (...) about trump and to tackle it.happens
..., Trump spends more time on (...) campaign in the televisontelevision than social media.

Hi please proofread your summary before submitting to this forum. well, it is nice try, i am waiting for your next writing
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Schools have different opinion regarding to what their students should wear. [5]


Hi Holt, thank you for your valuable feedback.
The fact that there is no instruction regarding to my personal opinion. I think because i am getting used to answering question with task "give your own opinion", and it makes me not thorough enough checking the prompt. I am sorry, it is my fault.

But, I realised that this type of question is also new for me. What should i do if i have to cope up with this kind of question? and if there is any grammar issue, feel free to correct me. Your feedback will be much appreciated, thank you. - Amril
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Schools have different opinion regarding to what their students should wear. [5]

Some schools are very strict about their school uniforms and the appearance of their pupils while other schools have a very relaxed dress code.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of children of having a school uniform?

Schools have different opinion regarding to what their students should wear. It is generally believed by some schools that there should be tight rules as to school uniforms, while other schools assume have flexible clothes could be better. In my opinion, school outfits simultaneously bring benefits as well as drawbacks. In terms of the advantages, school dress code would create discipline and stronger bond amongst students, whereas the demerits are overpriced and pupils cannot be themselves.

With regards to the benefits, the strict rules about school uniforms would lead to the discipline amongst pupils. When pupils are wearing their school dress code, they learn to obey what their teachers state to them, such as tucking their school clothes to pants. Taking my sister as an example, she is currently in the fifth grade of elementary school and usually wearing her school uniforms as she wants. Subsequently, it turns out that she gets the punishment from their teachers due to lack of discipline. As such, it makes her learning as to discipline in school. In addition, the uniform, I believe, would make a great sense of belonging amongst students because all students are treated the same one another. Also, no distinct school outfits can eliminate potential problem, such as who has better outfits than others.

On the other hand, there are also drawbacks wearing school uniforms, in which most students cannot express their personalities clearly owing to school dress code. Every student, I firmly believe, aspires to be something when they become adults, whether to be a doctor, astronaut, journalist, or even has interest in arts and so on. Thus, pupils can choose their school outfits based on what they are really interested in, so that they can express themselves freely. The use of school uniforms then only hindered as such. Another disadvantage is that sometimes the school clothes sold by their teachers are overpriced than in stores. I, myself, once experienced this, in which the price of school uniforms is cheaper in store than in school.

The aforementioned evidence reveals the merits and demerits regarding to the use of school uniforms. Training discipline and making a solid bond amongst students can be the benefits, while the disadvantages are students cannot be themselves and the exorbitant price of schools uniforms sold by school official.
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / There's is no doubt that learning a second language is important for people - bilingual brain merits [4]

Multilanguage isworkworks differently if it compares withcompared than mono language. ... English as main language consist ofwhich areactive and passive. In the active parts, containingit contains of speaking and (...) passive parts hashave listening and reading. For instance, Gabriela who has two languages ...

She utilizes English in school whereas Spanish is used in the home and also ...
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / When we learn a foreign language it activates brain's both of hemispheres [2]

it spontaneously makes each part of brain activebrain in both of hemispheres active.

It can active both of brain' hemisphere for childrenwhen it comes to children, their brain becomes active when they can feel have social ...

However, for the adult, it can only active one hemisphereit can only be active in one part.

Thus, it makes them to become healthier,
Nov 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The debatable issue regarding to what is the primary function of post-secondary education [2]

Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.

What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?

As yet, the debatable issue regarding to what the primary function of post-secondary education remains unchanged. It is generally believed by some people that the new insights and abilities related to the occupation should be provided by universities, while others assume the knowledge itself should be seen for its own interest regardless of whether or not it would be beneficial for employer. As such, I would argue that the main purpose of a campus is to educate people and both views should be conducted in balance.

To begin with, I would say the ultimate goal of third-level education is to educate people and broaden their horizon. This is because university is not a factory, so, when university merely purposes to produce workers, then it is not education at all. Subsequently, I firmly believe that when many people are armed with the knowledge, it would make the advancement in science so that human civilization will develop progressively.

However, it is important to remind that knowledge is one of the key factors of getting an occupation in modern society. Thus, the role of education in college, on the one hand, should also impart people with skills they need in the workplace so that they can live to the fullest. By gaining new abilities in university for working, it would bring positive impact to their development for facing the given task by their employers.

In conclusion, although the primary function of tertiary education is to educate people, but the purpose of education itself should include the progress of knowledge for its own sake as well as should provide skills which people need to cope with their responsibilities in workplace. Thus, a balance is required.
Nov 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / Entertainers are paid too much to a certain degree, but people should be wiser when judging [3]

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g film starts, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.

Do you agree or disagree?

Which other types of jobs should be highly paid.

It is commonly believed that artists, such as movie stars, sports players and pop musicians are given enormous amount of money for jobs that they do. As such, I would say that it is true to a certain degree, although I think other aspects, such as tight schedule and hard work, should be taken into account. Moreover, another occupation, a teacher for example, should be considered to get highly paid due to holding hard task to educate people.

Highly paid for entertainers should be admitted to some extent, in which their salaries given are too much than any other jobs. Taking Indonesia as an example, artists who become cast in a Indonesian movie that they are featured in is given approximately 150-200 millions rupiah per movie. This is absolutely not fair if it compares with other jobs, such as a teacher who only gets 4 million rupiah in average each month. By this I mean, It only makes the disparity of earnings amongst types of jobs wider.

However, much more consideration should be paid if people want to judge artist-related wages because many of them merely see based on entertainers' hedonistic life, not by their daily endeavors. In fact, artists have a tight schedule from morning until midnight where they should work overtime and only get tiny hours for sleep. This is primary reason why people should be wiser when assessing artists' earnings.

On the other hand, I would argue that teacher should also be given highly paid due to some reasons. Firstly, they task to educate young generation is not easy because, I believe, when it comes to educating people, it should become an ultimate goal as the future of our planet is in young generation. Secondly, I firmly believe if the wages of teachers are lifted, it will lead to the improvement in the quality of education itself. Thus, it is important that teachers should be highly paid.

In brief, Although to a certain degree I agree that entertainers are too much paid, but people should be thoughtful when judging regarding to this matter owing to endeavors the artists do. Subsequently, I am convinced that teacher should be well-paid due to playing significant role to educate people.
Nov 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of money spent on five different items in four developed countries in 2009 [4]

Overall, all countries spent their household budget on housing, apart from Japan. measured by percentage is shown in the bar chart.
This sentence is too long, it is better to divide each paragraph into three sentences. For exampale: (...) 2009 is shown in the bar chart. it is measured in percent. Overall, all countries (...) apart from Japan.

United States was led in first position at more than a quarter, be careful when using active and passive sentences

whereas United Kingdom wasat below 5%.
however it was occupied in the last position on clothing and food .however on clothing and food, America occupied in the last position
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of gap year after young people finishing their study in high school [NEW]

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

The gap year before taking third-level education in some countries is harnessed by the youth to take a chance in either working or travelling. I would argue that the option simultaneously brings merits and drawback. In terms of benefits, young people will get such a memorable memories when they decide to travel as well as valuable experiences and some money when they opt to work; however, there is also disadvantage, such as they feel reluctant to continue their study.

With regards to advantages, many young people harness this gap year for working in fields that they are very interested in or traveling to some new places. For example, those who choose to work before taking tertiary education will get involved in a work, feeling the exposure in this situation would lead to gaining new precious experiences and insights as well. Subesequently, they will garner some amount of money, which they can save for admission fee when entering university. Another advantage is young people can also opt for exploring new locations that they have not been before. As such, it will absolutely bring memorable memories and they could understand themselves better due to experience in travelling.

However, there is also a demerit that young people will get if they are not paying attention carefully, which is the volition to continue to study. Taking my friend named Uwi as an example, they decided to exploit this gap year by doing some paid work. Feeling preoccupied with her job due to generating some money, she started thinking to deter her study, and as yet she has not entered University to pursue her higher education, which I think more important for young people.

In brief, there are advantages and drawback when it comes to harnessing the gap year after finishing senior high school. The youth should be wise to utilize this situation, otherwise it would bring disadvantage. Moreover, the examples of merits and demerit that are mentioned should be taken into consideration for young people
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children's manners and violent games - IELTS WRITING TASK2 [2]

Hi Naoki, overall it is a good, well-written essay. However, here are some suggestion from me. Honestly, I am little bit hard to understand what you addressed in the second paragraph because It seems the flow does not fluid clearly. Keep it up!

... crime which young people involveget involved is skyrocketing.
adults should consider as growing upgrown-upsnot to effect violentlythat such games would not bring any adverse effects for children

I referprefer to the importance of ...you can also write this way, i would argue that it is imperative to make regulations related to violent games as well as means of protecting in order to keep children safe.

it is tendency that children effect on could easily (...) of adult easily.

Whatwhen they discover trial and ...

if they giveget the effect on these games

Adults have to take care of their children and teach them not to play the games.

This law aims to grow up children in their infancy and many ...
Nov 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / Students should be allowed to study whatever they like [3]

Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

The debatable issue whether or not students should learn whatever they fond of still occurs presently. It is believed by some people that students should merely study about science and technology in the university because such subjects will be more worthwhile in the years to come, while others assume that it depends on what subjects students like the most. My position is that I am in favor of students should be permitted to learn whatever they are keen on owing to numerous reasons, such as educational cause and passion.

With regards to learning science and technology, the supporters of this notion believe these courses will be more useful due to being easier to land a job when they are mature. This is because in the years to come, it is expected that a chance for getting an occupation from these fields will be higher than other fields of studies. This is also supported by an evidence, in which the advancement of technology are still progressing in the current circumtances.

However, I would argue that the purpose of education is not only to get a job, but also to educate people. Thus, when university only focuses on producing workers, then it is not education at all. As such, the freedom for taking decision to study should be given to students, because the students have rights to create their own future. I also believe whatever subjects students choose, it will be useful in the future. Taking my friend named Anggita as an example, she was forced by her parents to take a major in technology-related subject, which is computer science, and she did not like about it. What happened next was that she rarely attended the class and preferred for attending another class that she loved because her passion was in art. She decided to leave computer science and changed her subjects to art studies. In fact, she currently becomes one of the most favorite actress in Indonesia.

To sum up, the students have rights to opt what subjects they are interested in, because whatever major they take, I personally believe that it will be useful in the future. In fact, the progress of science occurs due to freedom of expression, in which everyone is free to conduct its life as his wanted.
Nov 9, 2016
Letters / My house in a crowded neighbourhood. UNIPDU FT D-Letters to Wiwit Krisdiyanti [3]

Hi Ais. it seems you have problems with grammar, it is okay as long as you are determined enough to improve your english proficiency. Holt has already rewritten your letter, but here are my suggestion: First, the way english is written as same as Bahasa which contains subjek+predikat+objek+keterangan (SPOK). So, to make a good sentence, it is usually made up of subject + verb(kata kerja). Try to learn subject + verb agreement at first, then this is followed by basic grammar such as present/past tenses so that you can write the structure of sentence correctly/font]

Hai also wiwit, how I was doing well either.it has been awhile ...
... telling about your home[
tell about your house. I;ll tell my house, that here you can visit my house.
I will tell you about my home as well, so that you might be interested in coming here

Addressmy house is located in Talun Kidul, Kedung Wesi, Sumobito, Jombang. my house faces the north and there is very crowded with cars and motorcycle regularly.y house in Talun Kidul, Kedung ...

In front of my house was very crowded both [...] I'm very comfortable when entering the house.
Moreover, plenty of people pass by everyday and the weather is hot, but i am still comfortable with my house /font]

Thanks Wiwit already my letter, had enough of my [...] hope to see you in good health.
if you have a time, feel free to come over to my house.
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The fitness membership between men and women from 1970 to 2000 [3]

The fitness membership of the women and men, measured by the number of the people participated each five years over 30-year period, is presented in the bar chart. Overall, from 1970 and 1980 the sum of the men always dominated women. Conversely, during 1985 until 2000 the women fitness membership surpassed men, except in 1995. The most significant fact to emerge is that the men in 1975 and 1995 led by far than women.

Initially, the women's membership stood at 1,000 people while the men doubled the amount of women, which hit just above 2,000 people. In the following 5 years, same trends happened again, in which the membership of the men kept twice higher than women. Although both women and men experienced a decrease in 1980, but the men's membership still exceeded the women.

Moving to more detailed analysis, the pattern in which the men always dominated the women in fitness membership saw changes. In 1985, the sum of the women led than men for the first time, which reached at around 2,800 and 1,800 respectively. Subsequently, although the gap between the men and women became closer in 1990, but a dramatic rise was shown by the men to hit a high of 5000 people in 1995. Finally, the number of the women fitness membership took over the men to end at 2000 people while the men solely hit 1000 people in the last period shown.

Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happiness is an abstract thing that cannot be measured. [6]

Everyone has theirits own happiness.
Happiness can affect on society(,) health and related to life expectancy of inhabitants.

... since we can create it by ourselves.

People feel alive when they are happy, joy, or delightful

Since close relationship effect toimpacts on
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / a raise in the price of petrol is not the best solution to handle traffic and pollution problems [2]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?

It is assumed by raising the price of petrol would result in solving the growing issue of emission and traffic. In this case, I would argue that although petrol price is increased, it would not lead to tackling these problems. Instead, it would cause other problems such as the increasing cost of staple food and other public transportation. Other solutions, such as introducing the law to use public transportations and stopping illegal logging, should be taken into consideration.

Those who believe by increasing the price of petrol would terminate the problem of pollution and traffic are because they thought there would be a decrease in the use of private cars due to high price of fuel. If the fuel price is higher, then people do not want to use their cars and use public transportation instead.

In fact, an increase in petrol price will bring domino effects to other sectors, such as public transportation and the price of staple food in market. Taking Indonesia as an example, there was a raise in fuel in 2008, and it was followed by the increasing price of chili, onion, and meat in traditional market. In addition, the price of tickets for using public transportation also went up and people kept driving their cars on roads so that traffic and pollution issues still happen nowadays.

The examples that have been mentioned are tangible proof that increasing the price of petrol is not the best solution and other measures are needed. I believe in order to prevent emission and traffic problems, promoting the law to use public transportation and ceasing illegal logging problems will solve these issues. This is because if government changes the law, many people will switch to use public transportation instead of their private cars. The reinforcement law in illegal logging also makes illegal loggers think twice if they want to cut down the trees so that traffic and pollution issues can be handled.

To sum up, a raise in petrol will not solve the growing problem of traffic and pollution. In fact, it only creates new problems, so that other measures such as promoting law to use public transportation and stopping illegal logging would be more effective.
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The consequences of Work or Travel before Starting New Study Life in University [3]

Young aged is the critical periods in people's lives. The young people needs to improve their ...
Choose to spend the time by searchessearching something new (...) or doing travel in a pastime ...

... the work after graduatedgraduating from senior high school

rather than others who decided the studies is them priority before workto study become their priority

... people who started worksworking after graduatesgraduating from schools (...) zone of their works

in improvesimprovingtheir knowledge in high education morehigher educationif they have been satisfied with the incomes of their jobs.

the individualthosewho hashave chosen for traveledtravelling after studying
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 : Young people; work or travel vs starting university studies [2]

Taking a holiday or getting a job is become younger people choose after finish their studyan option for students after finishing their study in senior high school.

... make up a work for gain some experience before countinuegaining some experiences before continuing their study.

In this time take a break for go travelling or findfinding a work is the best solution.
... of major that they interestare interested in based on the releventrelevant experienced which is gained.
... help our financially independent before taking course.
Some experiences in working after finishing study can ...

... earn money by themselfthemselveswill feel comfortable ...
..., buy what they want and even they do ...
... the same job andthey would not never ...
... in educated young generation that hopelyhopefully could bring changes.

It will be better to take university (...) take a rest is also not a mistake.
Nov 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / To punish those committing crimes, the motivation for perpetrating it, should be taken into account [2]

Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should be always taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is generally assumed by some people that each crime should have fixed punishment, while others deem the ulterior motives should be taken into consideration when deciding on what sentence should be executed. Although each perspective can be justified; however, I would argue that the conviction for those perpetrating crime should be judged by the motivation for committing it. This is because it could be different for every person.

Regarding to the first idea, I would reckon than fixed punishment should be given for those who committed serious crime, such as drug dealers, corruption, terrorism, or assassination to high-level state officials like presidents or prime minister, because such crimes have detrimental effects to the public as well as country. In addition, those crimes can be categorised into harsh crime or premeditated murder, which blatantly have vicious motive. Thus, stern action should be taken by government in order to prevent such crimes happens in the future.

However, I firmly believe that in many parts of the world, the crime committed by perpetrators is notably because of economic reasons as they cannot meet their daily needs to survive so that it is triggered them for perpetrating petty crime such as theft, shoplifting, and pickpocket. As such, the circumstances of individual crime must be taken into account no matter what the situation is. For instance, there was a culprit who perpetrated theft and got arrested by police. When this case was handled in court, the culprit declared that he committed crime by perforce so as to meet his family needs.

To sum up, it is clear that each perspective can be justified. It depends on what crime they commit, and what motives of individual who committed crimes. So, the reason to give punishment would be acceptable.
Nov 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / A balance is required when covering news about celebrities and ordinary people [5]

Hi Justivy thankyou for coming back in my thread, your feedback means a lot to me.
Yes I am currently experimenting a lot with my writing in this forum, so if I make mistakes, I hope someone will correct me so that my writing skills will improve. Feel free for correcting my essay, any suggestion or critics will be much appreciated.

Thank you in advance.
Miftah Khairi
Nov 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Art Gallery in Brighton is not so popular, as it used to be in 1985 [2]

The graph depicts changes in the proportion of visitors who came to some attractive places in Brighton over 20-year period, measured by percentage. Overall, Pavilion and Pier showed an increase while Art Gallery and Festival experienced a decrease in the end of the period. It also can be seen that Pavilion sit in the first place in the timeframe shown.

To begin with, Pavilion and Pier stood at approximately 23% and 10 % respectively. Although the pattern of Pavilion rose significantly and reached a peak of roughly 48% in 1995, the highest of four other levels, it was also followed by a sudden drop to virtually 31% in the end of the period. On the other hand, Pier's line fluctuated until 2005 and took over Art Gallery at the same year, then ended at around 23% in 2010.

In contrast, there was a fall for both Art Gallery and Festival. Firstly, a rise is shown by Art Gallery over the following 5 years, but its level then hit a low to just under 10% in 2010, the lowest than other levels. Meanwhile, a gradual fall is experienced by Festival, and its pattern grew slightly from 1995 to 2000 to hit around 28%, then it leveled off.

Nov 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children Have to Eat Healthy Food at School [8]

which students can choose to eat.
healthy food is the most recommended meal ...

especially mother, put a comma

and areis not aware to eat food containingstuffed with egg, such as bread egg sandwich(,) will not focus whenon learning process is runningdue tobecause he feels itchy and takes (...) removing his itching

Inon the other hand, I think school

School can hold lunchtime in which students can eat together.

When school manages tothe notion toprovideof providing lunch and food filter,

... a factor that disturbs studentsfrom learning less effective.

So, their teachers also doesdo not worry again about their meals.

responsible toprovidefor providing
Nov 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children can study more effective, however they can't eat junk foods, only healthy meals [2]

from in the morning until in the afternoonit is okay to say " from/since morning to afternoon

more focus to listen what their teacher sayON listening what their teacherS say

Although, there is a few childare a few children

School can filter the food that can beis sold in canteen

because bacteria will be growthgrown

InON the other hand,

include some fruitsfruit is uncountable noun

... is the one that havehas to make sure ...
Nov 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / A balance is required when covering news about celebrities and ordinary people [5]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationship of celebrities such as actors, singers, or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree

Some believe celebrities, such as actors, singers, or footballers, are too much covered by the media, while others assume more attention should be paid on mundane people. Although there is a reason why the media often reports celebrities' lives, which is gaining profits, I would argue the media should cover both side. Thus, the principal of media can be upheld.

In competitive media industries like current situation, it is undeniable fact that the media should gain profits in order to survive. So, one of the many reasons why the media cover celebrities is because this will bring benefits for media Industries. This happens because actors, singers, or footballers have thousands or even millions of fans that will follow their day-to-day activities. As a result, when the news about their idols is updated in the television, radio, or magazine, such fans will watch, listen or read that news so that the media will earn an excessive amount of money.

However, the media should remember their principal when reporting topical circumstances, to be impartial. As such, it will ensure ordinary people to be covered as well, and many people can learn from their inspiring stories, such as how to live in simplicity and keep persevering no matter what the situation is. This will make people more sensitive to one another because the media can create public opinion, so that hopefully they will help to those in need. Moreover, I firmly believe many more lessons of lives will be gained when reporting mundane people's lives.

In conclusion, although covering celebrities will bring significant profits, ordinary people cannot be entirely neglected. Because the role of media is not only reporting celebrities, but also ordinary citizens. Thus, it will uphold media's principal and many people can get much more information as well as see both side of the news, so a balance is required.
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The attires people wear outside reflect their characteristics inside [2]

Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear. Discuss both of these views by the clothes they wear.

It is commonly believed by some that the attires people wear outside reflect their characteristics inside while others argue the outfits cannot be justified to judge people. To some extent I am in favour of clothes indicating one's personality even though I believe it needs further consideration when it comes to assessing people. By this I mean, their thoughts about themselves should be taken into account.

Those who support the idea of fashion as a statement of one's personality believe such clothes mirroring what people like doing in their lives. For example, in the midst 1960 in America, there were people named themselves as hippie people who love listening to rock music and wearing such an eccentric attire. Because of loving those kinds of things so much, hippie people imitated the fashion of their idols into their lives, wearing a headband, John Lennon's glasses, and colorful clothes as a symbol of simplicity and peace.

However, I firmly believe people cannot be merely judged with regards to what they wear because sometimes it is only a mandatory outfit from their office. For instance, people who work in a company such as in Garuda Indonesia airlines will always be wearing batik uniform, a traditional uniform from javanesse people in Indonesia, so as to make a good first impression to their clients so that a fluid, good communication can be made. As such, it does not mean what they wear mirroring the characteristic of themselves, what they think about themselves is more matter.

In light of what has been mentioned, I would argue, although fashion plays significant role for the first impression when people meet, it does not mean reflecting one's characteristic. Thus, people cannot be assessed only by their appearance, because they have their own version about themselves based on their thoughts. That is an excerpt saying "do not judge book from its covers" which means do not judge people only due to their appearance.
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Benefits of advanced technologies, such as scanner and CCTV, outweigh their disadvantages. [2]

Some people believe that technological tools such as body scanner and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security, while others feel that they have resulted in a loss of privacy. Do the benefits of these items outweigh their disadvantages?

It is generally assumed that the advancement of technologies, particularly scanner and CCTV, brings significant merits to our safety and security systems while some believe it merely leads to an adverse effect due to privacy loss. Although there is a drawback in the use of such technologies, I firmly believe the advantages outweigh disadvantages.

Those who believe scanner and CCTV only result in the raising of crime rate related to one's secrecy are because of such sophisticated technologies used in the wrong way by irresponsible people. For example, I have ever read the case regarding to the use CCTV in the restroom as well as private hotel room so as to record pornography content. This pornography content finally became viral on social media and the victims sued for justice and brought this case to court, and this case is still being processed.

However, I would argue this problem does not lie in those advanced technologies, but whom uses these devices. If these cutting-edge technologies are used in the right way by governmental official, such as police or security officers, then I strongly believe it will bring many advantages in the improvement of our security systems to prevent crime happens. For instance, there are many cases about smuggling drugs through airports that can be hindered or minimized due to scanner and CCTV installed in airports. In addition, if these technologies are harnessed for the sake of public interest, then we can have better society owing to crimes can be prevented to happen.

All in all, although there is a demerit in the use of advanced technologies, I believe the benefits outweigh the disadvantages if such technologies are used by the right hands. It will bring an improvement in our security systems so that people feel safer than before. Also, it can prevent crimes to happen at the same time.

306 words
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Governments should invest more in public services, but arts cannot be neglected [4]

Justivy, Thank you for your insightful feedback! Yes, i think I need your further assistance because i am going to take an IELTS test on November 19. I will, at least write one writing - or two if i have much time- each day and any feedback, especially from contributor, on my writing will be much appreciated. In addition, I have always wanted to improve my writing, alas I do not have any tutor, so it would be nice if you could help me improving my writing skills. Thank you in advance
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Burnaby Public Library is portrayed in the line graph [3]

The number of books read by men and women over 3-year period in Burnaby Public Library is portrayed in the line graph. Overall, it is noticeable that both men and women saw an increase in the end of the period although pattern for women experienced a short fall in the last year. Moreover, it is also clear that the line for men rose significantly if it was compared with women.

At first glance, the sum of books read by women stood at around 5,000, higher than men. Subsequently, there was a gradual rise, which reached 8000 in 2012 and 10,000 in 2013. However, over the last one year, the books read by women dropped back as same as in 2012, hit 8000 in the end of timeframe shown.

On the other hand. The number of books read by men stood at roughly 3,000 books in 2011, lower than women. Over the following one year, there was a steady growth, which peaked 4000 books. Then, in the next two years, the level for men overtook women in 2013 and rose dramatically to approximately 150,000 by the end of the period.

Nov 1, 2016
Letters / It has been awhile since the last time we met, how are you there? Letter to M. Sigit Varendra [3]

Hi here are my suggestions.

remember that a good sentence always contains Subject and Verb, or in bahasa, have you ever heard about Subjek Predikat Objek Keterangan? in english the same thing happens.

Holt's comments has already reviewed you letter in a good way. I catch the meaning you addressed, so here is my version

Assalamualaikum Sigit

It has been awhile since the last time we met, how are you there? I am fine in here. I hope you and your family is alright as well. Currently, I am studying at Unipdu located in Jombang, West Java. would you mind if i asked where you study? I wish we could meet again, and then we could play our hobby when we were a child, which was playing football. I am very happy in here, because I have joined some activities on campus and became a part of PMII student association, I was surprised to be chosen, though. Wassalam.
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The favourite social media channel between 2011 and 2013 [2]

The proportion of social media platform used by people from 2011 to 2013 is presented in the pie chart, measured in percent. Overall, the most significant fact to emerge is that the use of Twitter, Linkedln, Google+, and Pinterest showed an increase while Facebook dropped significantly over the timeframe shown. Moreover, it is clear that Google+ experienced a dramatic growth than other social media channel.

To begin with, Twitter, Linkedln, Google+, and Pinterest had similar pattern which increased from year to year. Initially, Twitter and Linkedln stood at 21% and 10%, then they rose to 25% and 15% respectively in the end of the period. On the other hand, Google+ and Pinterest began at same levels, 5%. While Pinterest only finished at 8%, Google+ experienced a marked rise, which grew roughly three times than it started and ended at 18%, the highest growth than the others.

In contrast, Facebook plunged dramatically by the end of the period. Firstly, it stood at 59% in 2011, the highest percentage than other social media channel. Subsequently, Facebook jumped sharply to solely 38% in the end of the timespan. Although Facebook experienced a sharp fall, its position was still in the first place as one of the favorite social media platform.

Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some say that teaching untalented children art in class does not have any benefits for their sake [5]

Some people saidsay teaching untalented children ...
Learning practical subject,which is more suitable to their interest(,) is more acceptable instead.
... face a real life when having been eposedwhat do yo mean by this? your idea is not clear to several practical ...

... and draw by children is taketaking longer time tothan study. The reason is thatin this subject contains a different material that not many children can do itmany children cannot do it.

... much time than in the others subjects.
... cannot focus on others subjects.

... this subject provides an practical experiment that makes them would learn manymuch new knowledge.
... children doing some projects and findfound that new discovery was ...
... ability to face the next lifenext life is ambiguous, because for me it means as same as after life.

All in all, the art subject considereddoesnot really give any effect for student so that they should (...) another subjects doing projects.

i noticed that you have problem with the use of other and another, subject+verb agreement. keep writing and practicing though, keep it up

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