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Posts by Giansy11
Name: Dina Barly
Joined: Sep 15, 2016
Last Post: Oct 23, 2016
Threads: 18
Posts: 32  
Likes: 5
From: Indonesia
School: PB

Displayed posts: 50 / page 1 of 2
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Giansy11   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: What's wrong with our food system? [4]

Hallo Bung Ilham, that is interest topic, overall your idea already delivered. However, I have several suggestions for your writing.

Birke Baehr, 11 years old, talked (talk) about what is ...
This is appositive sentence = noun+noun+v1
To begin with, kids are easily led to believe all the marketing and ... ( use the strong vocab, and make it simple to understand)

This genetically engineered (seeds?) and organisms
Food production has been proven to cause cancer (...) and people human , when they consumed unhealthy food since 1990
Giansy11   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sumary of Myriad Subways in Europe [3]

Public transportation was being a big deal in myriad Europe cities, namely insuch as London, Paris also and Moscow. ( for make example, use such as, n,n,n )

Subway is not uncommongeneral or common transportation in Europe there anymore , not only for public transportation but also for describedescribing art and achievement of theirthe nation, ( for + n/np)

absolutelyit makes tourist interested directly make it become tourism objects.
In London, eversince 1863 subway is major ...
Since 1863, subway become the main public transportation in London during traffic jam caused by pedestrian and horses.
The government opts to build the railway on (...), which construction deeper tunnel due to keep not destroycollapse (use the strong verb )the building above the land.( Government is singular, use verb s)

..., there are subways with Nouveau's art , touch the mostly ...

That's makes Paris typical has unusual subway we know as as known as Paris Metro.

By contrast with Paris, in Moscow, as we know, there ...
Moscow, the capital city of Russia, has similiar name with Paris, The Moscow Metro. This subway makes with headquarter, during World War II

... weather with extremely temperature, where is often happened in there.

Good writing, hope you will success with your future.
Giansy11   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people believe, that drink milk and eat chicken soup can heal the cold. [3]

Summary - What do you know about the common cold?

Some people believe, that drink milk and eat chicken soup can heal the cold.

Chill is common in cold weather, where human's antibody are getting down and cannot prevent their body from the windy. The symptoms can be recognize by sneezing, coughing, handshakes on one another. The wrong way of people's thinking to avoid this ill, is stick together with the others, to keep body's warm, it was useless. There is no medicine for these symptoms, but there are simple ways to get better soon.

Ranit Mishori, a doctor at Georgetown Univesity Medical Center in Washington, consume honey can make patient feel better. But just give to adult, not for the babies less than one years old, because it will make the babies suffering more than before. The other ways is eat chicken soup, because it has anti-infammantory properties, and will clear the mucus also reduce duration of cold. However, milk has different ways of heal. Dr. Ranit said it maybe be help and maybe not, it will be helping, but it can make thicken the secretion.

Overall, knowing the symptoms of cold, and find the treatment to get better soon.
Giansy11   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / I'm industrious person who'll achieve 6.5 Band,EILTS Writing 3 - First Headlamps [3]

Hi Fitry...
i have a few comments, if you don't mind.

Even thought, there are several imperfectionsnamely: easily extinguished and hard to carry.
Several + plural
Afterward, several countries namely Russia, French and the United ...
As a know, namely used when want to give more detail or be more exact.
in this case, better use such as, Rusia, French and the United States.
Giansy11   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some years ago people enjoyed the place where they lived, on this present time it's different [2]

In the past, people usually stayed in one place throughout their life. these days, people often move around. they often live in several different places in their lifetime. what are the advantages and disadvantages of both ?

give the reason for your answer and include any relevant information from your own knowledge and experience.


A couple years ago, comfort zone, will make people enjoying the place where they are, and prefer to stay among their life. Different case happen on this present time, where citizen more likely to change the place where they live, and whole their life, they already stay in several areas. These live habits have positive and negative aspects.

Staying in one place is the best way to enjoy and know more the environment. When they already with the place, directly they will preserve the creatures and everything there, because they think all of them already be a united as a one. The environment and creatures have concrete relation will be kept by human, who lived there. However, people will feel bored with the circumstances, and try to find another way to enjoy the same place. They tend to abuse the source to fulfill their desire of the fed up. At last, people who stay at the same place should be smart to manage their desire with the things they have.

On the other hand, moving around places, will have new experiences and challenges. Along with their move, they might be understanding the world, also learn the other cultures depend on the place they stay. People, who like to try another place will gain knowledge about food, culture, behavior of local people. Nevertheless, they will fell more stressful at the first time, because they should learn a new culture and interact with strangers. They are easy to make mistakes, because they have yet there before.

To sum up, two different living places with the benefits and drawbacks, stay forever at the same place, have more advantages than move around.

278 words
Giansy11   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary: Terrifying There Is A Search Engine to Browse Vulnerable Webcams by Laura Beck [2]

Hii Ledha..
That was a great article summary, but i have some corrections to you, if you don't mind.

... protect themselves as well as wethey can
... kitchens, living rooms, garage , front and back gardens,ski slopes...
* the example should be parallel : garage is countable

it then then takes a picture of what ...

... however we always try to do a hardmore efforts for making our life more peaceful.
Giansy11   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Am I hero? The Epic Ed Snowden [2]

Ed Snowden become the fundamental since he divulge the big secret of NSA. Starting in 2014, he e has been the most dangerous of United States government, especially National Security Agency (NSA). Before he did, he was work as a one of NSA's agents, and he suddenly divulge NSA confidential documents to the public. And as the result, citizens know every violations conducted NSA data breach user privacy concerning internet and telecommunication world is revealed.

Because of his bold actions, Ed Snowden, as known as whistle-blower be arrested by America and Germany Police.
Even though he has much follower, and has title as a traitor, a hero, but he prefer to say himself as an American and I'm a citizen, just like everyone else.

124 words
source : youtube.com/watch?v=yVwAodrjZMY
Giansy11   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / "YAP" - THE TED SUMMARY; IS THE FUTURE OF MONEY [2]

Hii Bismillah,
That was a great explanation, but let me give some corrections, if you don't mind.

Money is about the exchanges and ...
* Money is the exchanges and transactions that we use to fulfill our needed.

Based on the story,when it lived in Micronesia in the early 1900s,called by the YAP.
* Based on story, Micronesia in the early 1900s, called money with YAP.

Note:
1. pay attention with your sentence, use appositive with the right way ( n,n,v)
2. Fragmented sentence ( conjunction)
3. structure and grammar
Giansy11   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / (TED) Cameron Russell: Looks aren't everything. Believe me, I'm a model [5]

Hii VKWSSH99 ( how i can pronounce your name? :D )
That was interesting summary, but lemme give you some corrections, if you don't mind

..., high, slight, femininity and white skin and but also it is inheritance that she has been ...
Remember : not only..... but also

She just really want to say to the little of her she always said to herself, that ...

... the fact that she have has to think how is her appearance every day.
The last word she can said that she hopes (singular subject) comfortable in knowing the strength of portrait in our apprehend éclat and abortive. we be more understand of portrait apprehended éclat and abortive, after know the truth .
Giansy11   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / HULA DANCING. Hawaii is not only full of beautiful views, but it is also a rich culture. [3]

Hii Bismillah..
You can deliver well and make us as the reader understand your article.
But, i have some corrections of your summary,

A great deal of people whohave has a dream to visit the beautiful Hawai Island
IT has culture which has devidedto such as,dancer ( make it clear, divided to? )
...they perform with the graceful dance which WERE performed by almost females by wearing grass skirt ...

Furthermore, the Hula dances were devided divided to be the ancient ...
... dance performed to the accompanientment (?) of the chants and ...
Giansy11   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Traveling is the best way to relax and enjoy the beautiful scenery after the hectic pace of life [2]

Some people say that travel helps us to appreciate other cultures.
How true is this statement? Do you think that people who travel a lot appreciate other cultures more than those stay at home?


Traveling is the best way to relax and enjoy the beautiful scenery after the hectic pace of life, not only add more experiences but also learn about the local culture where it's located. People who has journey to new places, will apprehend the way of local people live more than people who never go there.

To begin, arguing of people, says that explore somewhere new and you can see the way of life, especially the general customs and beliefs of a particular group of people at a particular time, and it will make you respect with the diversity. Every place has different civilization, that characteristic will make the citizen easier to recognize, for instance Boti village as a traditional village in East Nusa Tenggara Province has welcome ceremony to new visitors, where the visitors should eat sirih pinang with the King as a evidence that visitors are welcomed to visit. Traveler who knows range of culture will make him/her more honor and proud to be the person who ever got the experience.

It is no surprise with the people who only stay at home. They may know the news, culture from television, internet or magazine, but not feel the atmosphere if they do not go it place and experient the truly situation. For example they watch in television about culture in Boti village, after it they will forget as the time goes by, it contrast if they visit the place, they will know what it's like and remember trough their lives. At least, visiting unfamiliar place will be the unforgettable moment.

Consequently, travel can help us appreciate other cultures. However, make effort to do so, and we will more respect each others.

282 words
Giansy11   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / You are what you eat! Obesity is not problem anymore [3]

Every women in this world already getting engaged, getting married
How about me? Getting fat! Yup, I'm only getting fat!!!

Obesity is the most terrible condition of human body, according to women argument.
Calories in food are a measure of energy for supporting human activities, but if you consume more, you should face your fate to close the obesity. This situation mostly happen in adults, where more than one billion of immature are overweight, The World Health Organization called obesity a global epidemic.

Dr. George Bray at the Pennington Biomedical Research Center in Louisianaled the new study, based on his experience, the biggest problem caused by bad food. He said controlling your food supplying, doesn't mean you should eat less than regularly, just add more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, fish, vegetable oils and nuts. Just consume these food continually and your weigh will decrease.

Overall, stop hurting yourself by avoided proteins, fats, or event do not eat all day long, our body need energy from calories. So, stop believe the ancient believe and eat the food properly.
Giansy11   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary: This Woman Might have Found a Deep-Fried Rat's Head in Her Popeyes Meal [3]

Hi Fitry..
i'd like your topic, it was interesting, but lemme give you some corrections.

ThatThe incident might be the most ...
New sentence cannot use That as a first word, because there is nothing to refer by That)
... Thomas posted photos toin Facebook of what a rat head looks like in her daughter's fried chickena head of rat in her daughter's fried chicken

In contrary to itsthe real service condition. in fact, Popeyes is considered number of as a 5 rating ready-meal restaurant ...
Giansy11   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Getting a job, earn your own money, have a happy family... how to make work-life balance work? [3]

Getting a job, earn your own money, have a happy family, are things of people dreamed.
All the happiness will suddenly disappear because of unbalance between work-life and work. Almost worker get stressed out of this case, all of the methods have been trying but it useless. Some people even plan their activities start from they woke up until sleep again, but the result contrast with their plan.

Bases on Nigels Marsh experience, he found the way to balance his job and life from the simple moment. He was did every single thing to make him solve this problem, sometimes people think toward without look exactly they needed now. He just pick up his son from school, accompany him spent time playing together, and when his son want to sleep, he said is the best day ever! Suddenly he realize that something he looking for long time actually he already had it.

Sometimes, the problem solution is surrounded us, but we didn't realize it. Find the way to enjoy everything you have, and you will be finding balance between your work-life and life

183 words
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Creativity is as important in education as literacy and we have to treat it with same status. [3]

Hi Aris05..
i have no doubt that you are great in writing, but lemme give you some corrections

In this topic, the speaker would say says about creativity. would to explain for future, in this case, the speaker already explain before, so better to avoid "would"

It is as important in education same as literacy and we ...

However when every child always gets a strong push to avoid the mistake, they will be afraid to (...) their creativity will disappper dissapear ( look the subject, every child (singular) they ( plural)

Disappear is not fit in this content
However, when children always get pressure to avoid the mistake, they will be afraid to do something and will lose their creativity.
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Graduate / Direct Entry Masters of Nursing Statement of Purpose, Final Draft Critique Due in 5 days [5]

Hii Gintoki..
it was a great explanation, but lemme give you some corrections.

From a young age I knew that I wanted to be a ...
better use : when I was child, I wanted to be a healthcare professional

For five years, I watched as my mom devoted her time to aid her in any way possible spent her time ...

..., but I was aspired to receive the proper training ...

I know tha t I will develop the skills and knowledge n...
use conj to avoid double verb
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most People are missing out on incredible opportunities all of the time, making bad decisions [2]

Hii Eve..
it is clearly summary, i only want to give some suggestions.

1. carefully with the capital latter in the middle of sentence
. According to Carrie Green, T he reasons why people ...
. First reason, F ear of
. Most P eople are missing out on ...
. However, people who believe with T hose kind of self-limiting
. thoughts A nd so these wonderful ideas,
. ... create a wonderful life A nd that is exactly
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article : These Are the Forgotten Victims of the West's Drought [4]

Hallo Andika,
i have some corrections for you.

It became changed the environment which are is (look the subject, verb should follow the subject) less water source
It had impact for the plant and dusty (add verb)
Many people thinks in California, there has been ...
... decrease of amount of waters ( water is uncountable)
Therefore, there was several company companies which did ...

For example, horse cannot find the food around the cities. (the content talk about lack,it means using negative sentence)
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The rank of education of Bulgaria citizens who chose to live in another country [3]

Hii Bekuk22..
i dunno your real name, but i guess you are my classmate, because we got the same topic.
There is no doubt, that you have great skill in writing, but lemme give you some corrections.

. rank of education = education level
. Bulgaria societies = Bulgarian, Citizen of Bulgaria
. At beginning not fit for last sentence
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of people, who want o leave Bulgaria according to their education rank around three years [2]

The chart below gives information about the level of education of Bulgarian people who want to go and live in another country in 2002, 2006 and 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given bar chart shows the number of people, who want o leave Bulgria according to their education rank around three years.

According to the data, it is clear from the chart that 2002 is the greatest number of people, who have stage in secondary education living Bulgaria above 60%. At the same time, the number of higher education, primary and lower education had 17 and 18 each part.

In 2006, there was gently decreased of people in junior and senior high school from 65 to 61, while two of categories rose in 2006. The amount of lower education increased become the highest with 30 percent in 2008. Contrast with collage level in 2002 and 2006, had been felt around 11 person. However, all of these levels, faced the increase and decrease number of people every year.

To sum up, the figure for people with primary and lower education rose each year, different with secondary education where it fell gently each year.
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Job interview just a piece of cake [2]

Job interview is one of the stages to get a job at the position that we already gave in our CV. it should be a great announce for job seeker when they get the information, but in the fact, some people worried about it. They think too hard about the outfit they want to wear, the answers of the questions, or about their body language. All of these things caused people to get stress out.

Tina Hynes, coordinator at the university of Oregon career center gives some tips to prepare before interview. First, practice to answer the questions, second, familiarize yourself with the company and its history, and the last be more confidence during interview section.

The first impression is the key to start interview, and when the interviewer gives chance to ask, better than you ask about your job descriptions, avoid to ask about salary, working hours holiday and the other benefits.

Overall, know about yourself before you get interview, because the interviewer had more experiences in this field, so don't try to be a liar. Make sure that all your answer is straight away to the point.
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUMMARY TED 3 of Patti Dobrowolski - how to reach a dream [5]

Hii Rosa,
Your writing is already great. Me as reader can understand your summary.
But, lemme give you some corrections.

... desire, to make it come true

Draw drawing a picture at our current condition ...
Only 3 magic words can lead you to achieve ...
Giansy11   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The New Power Of Collaboration -TED [3]

Communication has related with media and collective action. Nowadays, media gives more information about anything that human needed to do something. Media comes from several shapes that had been supported by internet, make easier in every particular areas, such as agriculture, commerce, education and another one.

As the time goes by, media publishing cannot separate from printing press, a broadcasting station, a community or a market place, all of these things had evolution rapidly.

The effect of this phenomena is "social dilemmas" , where people stuck in hard situation caused by range of possibilities that available on their situation.

Furthermore, people should be able to find out their own way of their problem, they must be wise to come out from the effect of communication by media
Giansy11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / On learning vacations the travelers may enjoy their time off by learning something new [3]

Hii Alam Baka..
i have no doubt that you are great in writing, but lemme give you some corrections..

Now day s, there are kinds of trip which is provide (double verb) a learning vacations
Nowadays , there are several kinds of trip which ...

It be is more popula, because it can make ...

From this trip, travelers can hone encourage their creative ...
hone is not strong verb in this topic

However, there are many contents which travelers can choose such (...) such as history, phylosophy philosophy, and literature. It provides much advantages than any types ...

pay attention to countable and uncountable noun.

Good job mate!!
Let's go to Pak Dur on Saturday!
Giansy11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / THE NUMBER OF FOREIGN STUDENTS HAD INCREASED SIGNIFICANTLY AND IT HAD BEEN DOMINATED BY MALE. [4]

Hallo Fauzi..
i have come corrections for your writing..

... computer science at a UK university between 2010 and 2011

The bar chart presents the number of students studying computer science at the university in Britain from 2010 to 2012
avoid redudancy of sentence.
This sentence same as introduction

... of computer science students in the UK for three years in both ...
pay attention when you want to use article

reduce repetition of student : scholar

Correct me if i'm wrong.

Well done mate!
Giansy11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / What can be done to encourage people to use bicycles as their main form of transport? [2]

In some countries, the number of people who are using bicycles as their main form of transport is decreasing, even though cycling has too many benefits.

Why is this?
What can be done to encourage people to use bicycles as their main form of transport?


It is a fact that riding bicycle is good for our health and it is an environment-friendly mode of transportation, but the number of user still decrease.

Discouraging number of people use bicycle caused by the variety of transportation. For instance, cars able to transport a number of people rather than only one as well as bulky time. Faster, comfort, and the facility of car, can make employee enjoy their time, when they want to work. This situation gives rise fewer person to use faster transportation than bicycle.

In addition, car can more effort more than single at the time, and the elderly or those that need to converse their energy for they work.

On the other hand, encouraging more people to cycle will reduce pressure on their car-parking facilities and, as cycling may be faster in rush hour traffic, get more workers to sit, on time more often. There are several ways to invite citizens using bicycle than other transportation for working, such as, provide safe cycle training, ensure they have security facilities, raise awareness of benefits of cycling, supply bike-way in huge to make them easy to across the way, and provide maps of cycling routes with journey times. These ways and benefits might be changing people way to use bicycle.

To conclude, bicycle more beneficial inside to work than car do it, with providing facilities. Hopefully, it can increase the user of bicycle as a main transportation for working. It can be clear to see the benefits for cycling more than car, also the drawback is less than car.
Giansy11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / (IELTS ES) Summary the one of National Geoghaphic's article [3]

Hi Rasedasda..
You can deliver well your summary, but i found some mistakes. lemme show you

It is the Susan O'Keefe's journey with her ...
do not use article

In that spot there is historical place (...) Tea House that provide good tasted hot tea ...
pay attention to verb that you use in one sentence.

At the night they watchedtried to watch incredible late sunset and stargaze in Miette Hot Spring which is still onewhere it same areas with Jasper National Park that is ...
Giansy11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Be the professional photograph by using smarthphone [4]

Some people find difficult ways in order to post their pictures in social media. This situation happen because they lack of knowledge in taking picture.

Smartphone cameras can give a great picture depend on user. There are a number of common problems of bad quality of the images, such as autofocus, flash, and zoom digital. However, these problems are not longer as long as the user know the trick to solve it.

This article will give you tips to become expert camerist. First, make more effort in manual focus and try focusing on different parts of the screen. Second, avoid to use flash and try in normal light scenario, because the result will be more shiny and clear. Third, using digital zoom will give less focus on your picture, just move closer to the subject and take it naturally.

Finally, all of these tips will make you able to take picture like professional, and all in all skill of editing is turning point of the images. Giving more touch of filter and you will ready to post it on your social media.
Giansy11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Consumers are faced with increasing numbers of advertisements from competing companies. [3]

Hi Hanryhyunh..
you are excellent writer, but i found some mistakes. Lemme show you

..., more and more effect is brought attention to consumer attention , one of (?) which is a competition of companies

... too much exposure tofrom advertising.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that influeninfluenceof advertisements become more and more importantessential for human life

... obtain some goods and services, and children should be promoted to pay much money
make it clear.

Good job mate!
Giansy11   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The most dangerous catastrophe in America [3]

Obesity become the number one of killer that give rise to death. Bad lifestyle, less aware are the things cause this situation.

From pupils until adult in United State of America, all of them, do not care about what they eat, and almost the eatery offers fast food. Like a chain, people already rely on their comfort habit.

The fact is, all of food they eat having highly processed, lack of fresh food, additives, not enough veggies. And the result, they should spend much money in hospital because of decease, if they change their way to eat, sooner they will get health.

Some cases happened in pupils, the horrible things are they did not know the fundamental things, such as how to cook, name of veggies, and many more. if children can cook by their self, they would be love to eat fresh food than fast food, because cooking is interest and make them have more knowledge.

Finally, reducing patient of obesity can begin from health lifestyle. Parents have role to educate their children to consume food made by their self.
Giansy11   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most of the money in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey went on food, drinks and tobacco [3]

Hi Fauzi..
i found some mistakes on your writing. Lemme explain.

The table provides the information on about consumer spending on different items in ...
Don't use article for general
... in five countries spent on food, drinks and tobacco, otherwise,(...) least and clothing/ footwear at the second place . followed by clothing and footwear
... proportion of Food, drinks , tobacco consumer spending than ...
parallel : food (U) drink (U) tobacco (U)

- too much repetitions on your sentence.

Keep practice
Giansy11   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sending a message via social media is much faster than using a letter. [3]

Hi Ryan...
There are some corrections for you, Just cut to the case.

I am more likely to disagree with this statement because of it makes people's lives easier to give some informations and interact with other person, but should be controlled of using internet. Humans lives will be difficult if this sophisticated technology is absence.

Because + s+ v
Because of + n
On the other hand, people alwaysusing use electronic media for routines (there is no verb)
always = present

Well done mate!
Giansy11   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Electronic devices have some downsides for individuals in their relation with others [3]

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Most people believe that electronic devices have downsides for individual in their relation. i completely disagree with this assumption, because on my own perspective electronic upsides of devices should be considered.

On the other hand, i agree that using electronic media can affect personal relationships. For example people tend to play with their mobile phone and ignore surrounding. As a result, it makes far much closer, closer keep far. They might communicate each others rather than be individual person. Most people failed to keep up with their environment because of it.

Teenagers and parents, for instance often be the victims of this situation.

Nevertheless, i realize that other considerations are just as important as what electronic has crucial part in communication.Firstly, some people make lots of friends on social networking site, for example they might have more relationship regarding to their job. indirectly they can help their closer friend because they have many comrade. Secondly, people can keep in touch regularly using electronic media, long distance is no longer as long as technology provides the way. Finally, these people still use this device in order to their relation because they need to communicate each other even though they are in different area.

in conclusion, i am convinced that electronic media is useful according to positive rather than negative effects in personal relation.
Giansy11   
Oct 23, 2016
Undergraduate / Comment and explanation section of pffa Princeton [12]

Hi inav..
because our contributor already gave you suggestion about your content, i will give some corrections according to your writing.

My father is the single earner in my family .He was ...
My father is the only one in my family who have to earn money in order to fulfill our life necessities. in 2012, he can gain money as big a $5600 long the year, but starting from October 2013 until May 2015 he cannot get a job.

Since my mother is a depression patient...
Since my mother got depression we have to spend $1500 for cost of treatment a year.

However(additional information, not contrast) , when she gets got a major attacks we have to admit bring her in the to hospital for several months and the ...

In 2015, since my father lacked the ability to pay for the tuition, ...
2015 is the hardest year for my family where my father unable to pay tuition fee, boarding, and air ticket for my elder brother, thus he had to sell a part of the land we owned
Giansy11   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Online games attract children to spend their leisure time on computer screen [3]

Hi ms. Eva, i have some corrections for you.

Even though, the disadvantages from (...) to focus on studying, but it will also teach ...
[even though s+v, s+v]

This activity is not only wasting much money but it also spends time ...
[same subject]

Overall, it is needless to say that although some people believe ...
Giansy11   
Oct 23, 2016
Scholarship / A leader is one who can effectively communicate his vision and goals to achieve [3]

I believe a leader is a person whoone can effectively communicate his vision and achieveinfluence them when he motivates andor inspires others to excel, (...), and makes tough decisions

[motivates and inspires have the same meaning]

As a third year student, Ihave joinedbecame involved in my editorial MicroNews magazine department.department's editorial magazine , MicroNews , along with ...
... I came up with the idea of including a cartoon ...
As thea cartoonist, I ensured that ...

... value of growing up in a family.
working as a Programs Officer taught me to more appreciate of value from orphans an vulnerable children (OVC) in Anambra State.
Giansy11   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, notable increase of delinquent act is concern of all the people. [3]

Nowadays, notable increase of delinquent act is concern of all the peopleimpression violence of media can extremely affect increasing the number of juvenile delinquency. . Some populace claims that it is because of (...) factors that can lead young individuals to commit wrong doings.in crime

... and unstable family or family cruelty . where poverty correlates to ...

Children who lives[children as a subject] in poverty are unable to ...

... it is obviously that these young individualsteenagers would do anything to (...) or sometimes get involved in more serious crime just ...
Giansy11   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Global warming is one of the biggest threats humans face in the 21st Century. Sea levels. [2]

Global warming is one of the biggest threats humans face in the 21st Century and sea levels are continuing to rise at alarming rates

These days, humans confront dangerous sea levels caused by global warming. The inundation of people's homes and industries is one of problems related to this phenomenon and the building of sea barriers or moving to higher areas is the most viable solution.

The most common catastrophe caused by the increasing of sea level is flood. This disaster occurs when sea level is higher than the ground. This will result in more people losing their home and being risk to face harvesting failure. For instance, in 2004 Aceh province of Indonesia has undergone tsunami which million people were displaced and losses incurred reached $10,000,000.

One solution to be taken to overcome the problem is building flood barrier in coastal area and moving to higher place. Dam or floodgates, for example should be constructed in lower locale while shelter must take place in high area, these way can prevent water flow to people's residence, and if it already reach they can move to shelter for surviving. For example, learn from experience, Aceh already changing the order of city to build flood distance in flood prone area and become the second number populated areas in Indonesia.

To conclude, increasing global temperature is the most dangerous climate change that human face, thus flood prevention should be taken and implemented due to save future
Giansy11   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / At the present time, several countries have introduced the policy prohibiting smoking in public area [2]

In some countries it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

At the present time, several countries have introduced the policy prohibiting smoking in public area. I firmly agree with this idea as smoke of cigarette can be harmful for passive smoking and such policy would create a clean environment .

Firstly, smoke of cigarette not only makes the smoker risky with their health, but also it endangers second-hand smokers because each cigarette contained hazardous substance such as tar and nicotine. They believe that smoking is optional, while breathing is not. This irritating habit has immeasurable effect on society. For example, people who are smoker are vulnerable suffering disease like, lung cancer, heart disease, stroke, and another one, rather than people not smoke. Furthermore, because of one smoker, many people will be vulnerable to get disease. Smoking in adequate place can slowly decrease the impact of cigarette. At least, by making it illegal, government expects to take care of its citizens.

Aside from the previous discussion, fresh air needed is no less important. Smoker should restrain their desire to smoke while they are inside the building to create clean air. Smoke of cigarette can disturb people's activities such as, poisoning of air quality, eyes irritation, and fumes smell. For instance, based on research of Jakarta youngster organization in several companies found that since smoke is prevented inside room, level of healthy employee is increasing, and the significant improvement comes from the decreasing nicotine level in urine of worker. It is clear that banning the smoker from getting in the public place would prevent the air from pollution

To summarize, prohibiting smoke in public area and inside office may reduce health-care cost, work place become more effective and create clean environment.

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