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Posts by septiadara29
Name: Septia Dara Pratiwi
Joined: Oct 12, 2016
Last Post: Dec 2, 2016
Threads: 48
Posts: 67  
Likes: 9
From: Indonesia
School: Diponegoro University

Displayed posts: 115 / page 1 of 3
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septiadara29   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some schools, plummeted in quantities of pupils [4]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) ... students attending in four various of ...
(2) Overall, it can be seen that the specialist, grammar and voluntary-controlled schools(avoid mentioning three categories in one time) plummeted in ...
Overall, apart from the community schools, other categories experienced a marked decline in quantities of pupils during the same period

(3) ... schools experienced a drop from over half ...
(4) ... was relatively small in this type of school at 12%,alsoalthough it decreased but not significantlyslightly at 10%.
septiadara29   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Eight Easy Ways Lead to Success [6]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your summary.

(1) ... in the life according to seven years ofor a longitudinal research and the results from 500 interviews to respondents.

(2) First of all isTo begin with,the passion according to Freeman Thomas who talk aboutthe passion can bring ...

(3) ... that the success must do withfollowed by hard work because ...

(4) Thirdly, put the nose down ...
Thirdly, based on Alex Garden, he says that put the nose down is one of good ways to get success
septiadara29   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Initially, car was the most popular private vehicle amidst walking and riding bicycle. [2]

The table below gives information about changes in modes of travel in England between 1985 and 2000

A breakdown of the information about changes in the way people travel in England is depicted in the table. It is measured in miles between 1985 and 2000. Overall, most people prefered to ride a car than other transportation. Furthermore, it can be seen that there was a significant increase in total average distance that had been reached over a fifteen-year period.

Initially, car was the most popular private vehicles amidst walking and riding bicycle. The distance was roughly 4800 miles in 2000. It was totally differs from bicycle which had the tiniest number of distance at only 51 in 1995 and 41 in 2000 while the figure for walking had five times larger than it.

On the contrary, public transportation was predominated by local bus in 1985 and train in 2000. In addition, apart from local bus, four other modes of travel experienced to grow in the number of average distance. Other transportation reached the largest gap in the rising distance by approximately 135 from 450 in 1985 while taxi inclined slightly by 29 to 42 in 2000. (179)




septiadara29   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Technological advances made our life to become easier and simpler, particularly in communication [2]

Modern technology is changing our world. This has advantages such as bringing people closer together through communication. It also has disadvantages such as destroying the differences between cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Technological advances have brought our life to become easier and simpler, particularly in communication that these improvements make us getting closer to everyone. However, its drawback is able to destroy the differences between communities. This essay disagrees with the notion since declining people's basic ability to socialize with each other and helping to prevent destruction of cultures.

To begin with, an enormous of people highlights the positive impact that modern technology might bring a convenient way to make communication, especially abroad, is undemanding. However, as far as I concerned that this way does not involve the same interaction likewise with human beings. It is evidence that decreasing people's proficiency to speak and listen is getting worse, and it may continue to grow for forthcoming decades as predicted by Mark Gilbert, a psychologist from Cambridge University. He estimates that 23% of young people will be difficult to state their personal opinion due to less social skills, and it leads into less confident as a consequent.

On the other hand, deliberating about destroying of differences between communities, I opine that this serve can be avoided since technology is able to prevent different cultures by keep promoting it on several websites. For example, Indonesia rely on technological development to share its beliefs, traditions, and customs through accessing the internet. As a result, a large number of people around the worlds are able to grasp its cultures without physically visit in Indonesia.

In conclusion, I would totally disagree that technology brings advantage for our communication as it reduces our fundamental skills. However, modern technology can contribute to share our latest activity in terms of our unique cultures towards foreign people on the website. (279)
septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The analysis of a system that produces the electricity by wave-generator [2]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

As we can see in the diagram, the equipment consists of the turbine, chamber, column and the cliff(i think it is not one of parts of equipment)are needed as the main media of this process (I think it has same meaning)

You have a good explanation in your body paragraph 1 and 2 :)

..., the wave which is entering the chamber ...
... make the turbine keeps spinning in electricity creation.

Secondly (Picture B), it describes that the turbine ...
Moreover, this system also purposethe purpose of this system is for keeping ...
septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / As the technology has evolved, everything seems to be possible to do for everyone, online dating too [2]

With the latest technological advancements, dating is now possible online. Would you recommend online dating for your single friends? What are the advantages and disadvantages of online dating? Site some examples to support your answer.

As the technology has evolved, everything seems to be possible to do for everyone, included online dating. However, I would not reccomend dating via internet for my single friends because their appearance may look different with the real one. Although there are several advantages, the drawback should be considered.

To begin with, why I would never offer my single friends to join a virtual dating because the people may give a fake account. For example, as stated by Mark Gilbert, a psychologist from Cambridge University reveals that 46% of adults attached different photograph and biography to attract more attention from other visitors. Therefore, I prefer not to give this option for my closest peers.

However, some people believe that they are able to take an opportunity to find their soulmate by this way. Firstly, it is possible for them to have an international relationship due to an advance technology. By accessing internet, they can find someone else whenever or wherever they want to. Neverhteless, it seems that they will rely too much on internet, and it has a negative influence towards their bond with surrounding people.

Another merit is the online dating provides an application which enable to be used for video calling. Thus, a direct call make them easy to prove that they use a fake account or not. On the contrary, I think that it is certainly not the same as real interactions and socializations with human beings, and it does not involve the same atmosphere.

In conclusion, whether the good reasons come to give benefits for a large number of people, depending too much on internet and declining real interactions with human beings lead into several adverse effects towards them. Hence, I suggest to my single mates to not start a date on websites. (297)
septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1 -The graph reveals the information in regard to the ownership [3]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) Overall, the mobile phones were inhad a greated proportion in four of the countries, whereas the landlines were(there is no time frame) more commonly used in 3 of them.

(2) ... number of mobile users was significantly lower.
(3) The difference between the amountnumber of mobile phones ... (why? what happened with the differences?)was to the Canada's?, although the proportions of the both methods ...

(4) In Italy, there was observed the biggest gap ...
(5) About 40% of the people had landlines, (...) twice as muchmany aswere the owners of mobile phones.
septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several changes in an industrial complex, an artificial lake, and public places in Lakeside [3]

The changes in Lakeside in 2000 and 2009.

A comparison of the changes in Lakeside between 2000 and 2009 is depicted in the two maps. Overall, there are several changes in an industrial complex, an artificial lake, and public places.

First of all, there was a significant alter in the south east of Lakeside where the industrial complex had been expanded in 2009, and replacing an residential area that existed in 2000. This industrial complex was located alongside the river that flow into the lake before it already swifted into a pond that based in the north east of Lakeside.

The other change was a derelic warehouse which was right to a residential area had altered into a parking area for cars. Across the car park, there were an office buliding and a university that replaced an old town. Then, move to the eat, where an art centre was built next to school had swifted into a movie theatre. Meanwhile, a residential area in the south west of Lakeside was also changed into a shopping centre. (168)




septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: A structure that is used to generate electricity from wave power [3]

The diagrams show a structure that is used to generate electricity from wave power.
The diagrams illustrates how wave power can produce electricity by installing a simple structure nearby cliff or sea wall. Overall, the electricity can be turning on, if the current wave moves into the landward.

To create a structure, needs a specific shape of column, a turbine, and a lamp which should be installed in the edge of cliff. The column contains of two steels that connect with each other, and these steels create a chamber formation in other side whose shape similar to current wave. In addition, the two steels are also used to hold a turbine which has same direction, and connect directly to the lamp.

First of all, the function of the column is as a recharge area when the wave appears to move onward to the sea wall. Then, a strong wave is able to convert a large air which can conduct the turbine to produce a power as the main electricity for the lamp. However, if the wave is moving seaward again, the turbine can generate a small amount of electricity. (172)




septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Locked in the fridge; Don't Do This To Your Tomatoes [2]

You may think that to keep your tomatoes look fresh with good taste, is putting it into the fridge. It is totally wrong. Based on a study form Proceeding of National Academy of Sciences, confirmed that many tomatoes have already lost its flavor before someone serve it yet to the kitchen, because of low temperature on the fridge.The low temperature storage is well-known as a special place to keep something chill, also it is used to make fruits or vegetables slow ripening and reduce decay. However, it actually can caused loss of their flavor and more blandly, if the temperature is below 54 degrees Farhenheit.

The other researchers from Cornell University, the University of Florida, and Zhejiang University in China, gave other conclusion by putting tomatoes in less refrigeration time. It will led them to cause less depletion of important compound. Although, it only had little effect on their flavor. Furthermore, if you want to get your fresh tomatoes, then they suggested that you may grow it up by yourself.

Source : New Scientist
septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are some conflicting theories on the subject - Who did discover America? [2]

There was some theories which revealed that the real person who discovered America was not Columbus. Firstly, Zuan Chabotto, a person who traveled to places and decided to go to Venetia, claimed that Columbus did not reach into North America until 1498. Zuan Chabotto, was well known as John Cabot, had sailed into North America in the previous year earlier, 1497. It was proven by Alwyn Ruddock, an English scholar, in 1966. He found a letter by John Day, an English merchant, which mentioned that Cabot had reached in North America before Columbus did. Unfortunately, Ruddock had ordered to completely destroyed this letter untill it was not exist anymore at his death, in 2005.

Secondly, the greatest scholar and an honoured scientist who came from Uzbekistan, Abu Raihan al-Biruni, had learned about earth's co-ordinates, erath's circumference, and the principal of particular gravity. He had a great mind about an unknown suface of the Earth, which located between Europe and Asia, and able to be lived. Although Biruni had reached his conclusion about the land in 1037, he had not laid eyes at anytime. While Leif Ericson was a person, who had been sent to a foreign country to teach about Christian, had reached North America in 1000 with lack of understanding about what he had found.

Overall, until the present time, Biruni is getting his tittle of the discoverer of North America because of his calculations and observations. He was the greatest Central Asia explorer among the other earliest explorer.

Source : History Today
septiadara29   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / These days, formal dress became a trend in the most of companies and institutions. [4]

Hello! I will give you some VALUABLE COMMENTS in your AMAZING essay

(1) ... becomes trend in mostof companyies and institutions .

(2) People who works have accustomed ...

(3) Even, numerous companyies and institutions have rules ...
There are some repetitive in your introduction --> 'wear formal clothes', 'companies and institutions'
Where is your opinion?


(4) ...when we work, we should be polite, and wear a good clothes.

(5) ... appearance looking good and be able ...

(6) Besides , if you work in agricultural company or equal like that you probably can ...

(6) ... of clothes is not effect againstaffect towards our result of work.

(7) It can be happened because numerous big companyies in the world do not ...

(8) ... such as google. Their employees . Google is one of the biggest companyies which prove (...) even can increase the quality.

(9) In conclusion, clothes which were someone to work do not determine quality of work, but affect to company if they work in public service.
septiadara29   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Successful business system; a new process for selling a product. [3]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your summary

(1) While several businessmens want much profit again
(2) ...they can notreplayrepeat it because the experiment always failed .
Replay is to play something again, especially music or film recorded already.

(3) Nowadays, most enterprises placing too much trust in an expert such as to design the department store whichwho understands ...
(4) ... types of attempt success againto succeed getting more profit.
(5) ... process when it comes to successsucceedand also improving that way.
septiadara29   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / A successful company should be secured by people who have a high credibility. [NEW]

Some people think when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to work in a team and follow instructions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is more and more popular amidst a large number of company that aims to take people who has a high creativity, and able to work independently when the process of recruiting. However, others opine that several factors, such as co-operative and obedient workers are far needed as the main measurement. This essay agrees with the first belief since the successful company should be secured by people who have a high credibility.

It is certainly true that some groups of people who afford to work in a team is necessary as they have a good communication skill to discuss their own views to other peers without any difficulties. However, some of them appear that they are not a typical of co-operativee workers but more likely to become followers since they have a limited experience. Furthermore, they only come to the workplace to finish what they have to do as an order. Thus, it seems that company has restricted their movement to develop their ability.

On the contrary, people who are able to create a breathtaking novel idea will be more functional for firm to boost their performance. For example, 63% of marketing office employed more than a hundred of innovative people who are able to create new slogan, jingle or gimmick, as stated by David Gilbert as a Head of Human Resouces in one of advertising companies. Moreover, independent employers are far important so they do not rely on their task to someone else, and they enable to do a self-correction.

In conclusion, I would disagree to the notion that people who capable of working in a team and following the instruction are able to lead the company to grow. However, recruting creative and independent people might bring a successful bussiness. (291)
septiadara29   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are several views of people on achieving the best results. [2]

Some people think that hard work and determination are the keys to success in life. Some, on the other hand, think that there are other factors behind a successful life. Give your opinion.

There are several views of people on achieving the best results. Talking about hard work and determination, some people believe that these are the primary keys to success in life while others argue that other factors, such as luckiness is play a vital role behind a glory. This essay agree with the first notion since somebody are not able to rely their life only on luck.

We are now living in a competition era where people compete with each other owing to monetary consideration. Some of them are getting a successful thanks to a lucky chance, but sometimes they actually have lack of experience or even knowledge. It is went to show according to The British Labour Association that reveals 74% of co-workers who passed the exam and became permanent employees due to a lucky factor, were not success to battle with their peers.

On the contrary, the career path will be totally different with people who want to reach their dreams by scaling up their effort and trying so hard in every job. I take Japan as one of the best countries where the local people really appreciate these factors, and New York Times had highlight the great progress over a decade. The result shows that almost 82% of Japanese pupils in three distinct schools succeed to enter best universities in Japan, The United Kingdom, and The United States. Furthermore, the growing number reveals over the period reveals that these factors are more functional rather than a luck.

All in all, I would firmly agree that people unable to only depend their successful life on something that has less probability, but they have to buld-up their self-conscious about hard work and determination. (283)
septiadara29   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summarize article : Why diet drinks with aspartame may actually help make you fatter [2]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your summary.

(1) ... maintain their healthy lifestyle(You need to put a noun) with consume ...
(2) ..., one of the refreshments contain the artificial ...
(3) ... was crucial interfering for human body with an enzyme.
(4) IAP worked as neutralization the lipopolysaccharides,...
(5) In addition, it evidencedThis evidence is proved that with using extra IAP ...
septiadara29   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / (summary Article) Apple Is Teasing a Black Friday Sale for the First Time in Years [4]

Hello Alfinkurnia! I will give you my opinions about your best short summary as well as your comment.

(1) Last year Apple didn't(Please use appropriate sentence in your summary. It should be 'did not')

(2) ...proposed a discount in black Friday.
You need to pay attention about noun that should be put after article. So it should be 'a discount' which 'a' as article and 'discount' as noun

(3) ... with certain purchases that made on ...

(4) Apple's latest revenues resultsresulted amarked the third consecutive quarter(I did not get what the meaning of this sentence) where the latest ...

(5) And(You should read more about FANBOYS on google) Eventhough Apple sold more iPhones than they expected in the previous quarter...
septiadara29   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: monthly household income European countries spend on.... [2]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) A breakdown of the information about thea comparison of (...) on different needs is presented in the table.
(2) ... selected countries goes on Housing , while clothing is the least in ə
You have to consistent to use Capital or not
(3) In contrast , they spend around ...
As I learned that 'in contrast' can only be used to compare color scheme. You can use 'on the contrary' or 'on the other hand'

(4) T... on entertainment is slightly (you need a noun) more than clothing.
(5) ...ranging between 13% and 15%. Roughly 19% of income ...
septiadara29   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Truth of Turkey and Tryptophan [9]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

The turkey's(it should be capital 'Turkey's meat' meat has (...) make eaters feel sleepy. Due to its composition that contains the amino (...) sleep-promoting , such as serotonin and melatonin. The opposite (it needs 'noun' to complete the sentence) is the tryptophan that has thea function to against sleepiness with the('the' can be use to state superlative words, such as the biggest, the largest) much of protein ...
septiadara29   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some say that children are better to learn a foreign language at primary school rather than later. [2]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Some profesionals say that children are better to learn a foreign language at primary school than secondary school. As far as I am concerned that the benefit in regards to this belief are outweighed its drawback.

It is popularly believe that children should spend more time to exposure nature and to explore new experiences through playing. That is why some people argue that giving their children an education about foreign languages can occasionally cause them stressful. It is proved by a finding from cambridge University that 23% of children who were forced to take an additional course of Spanish languages fell depressed because they had not enough time to play with their peers. Consequently, they did not perform well at class due to loss concentration. Therefore, sometimes participating in a foreign class appears to reduce children's mood that lead into depression.

Although it has an adverse impact for some children, it does not mean that learn another language at begginers is not important. One and the foremost advantage is children can brush up on linguistic skill in their golden age. they can adjust to read, speak, write and listen a foreign language as well as their mother tongue because they have practiced and learned since they were children. For example, a comparison of Indonesian people who started acquiring English language at 5-10 age group are performing better to speak or write than young adults aged 18-22. It is revealed by a researcher from University of Indonesia. As a result, these young adults cannot overcome the problem to speak well in English. Hence, it is inevitably true that practice a foreign language at primary school gives a good point.

In conclusion, although there is a detrimental effect towards some children who feel stressful, I would strongly believe that they are outweighed by the advantage. (303)
septiadara29   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / I would argue that teaching children at home can help children to resolve their problem swiftly [3]

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.

Some people think that to create the best children's development can be obtained by teaching them at home. Others, however, think that school plays a vital role towards pupils. I am strongly believe that these methods have its own benefits for children.

Expanding knowledge for students can be actually done at home. One possible good point is teachers are able to be more focused on teaching and finding out obstacles for each individual, since they only educate a few students. Another merit is children have a considerable amount of time, and they can choose personally when they are ready to accept scientific or linguistic subjects. It is because children cannot be forced to concentrate all subjects in certain time according to a psychologist, Stuart Mark. He reveals that children experience to have less concentration at 11 am - 1 pm. Consequently, it is a difficult time for teaching them at the time.

On the contrary, pupils who study at school should spend their time from 7 am to 12 pm or even more. It differs from boarding house students. However, they still get some advantages, such as brush up on social skill. I believe that it is one of development activities to socialize with their peers, and they cannot afford this at home. Another strength is pupils can build their competition sense at school since they are trained to develop their mindset in the future careers.

In conclusion, I would argue that teaching children at home can help children to resolve their problem swiftly and improve their learning ability by raising their concentration at certain time. However, studying at school can also enhance their social skill and establish a sense of competition towards students. (283)
septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Young people are often asked for participating for the development of communities as a volunteer [2]

Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion.

Young people are often asked for participating for the development of communities as a volunteer, and they do not get a wage. I would firmly agree with the notion since it is the best chance for them to enrich their competency, and not all instituions provide this activity.

This essay is disagree with the view of adult youths should get paid as they work in one of institutions. It is because they have lack of experience both of theoritical and practical matters. For example, according to statistical data from Keio University, reveals that 23% of young adults in Tokyo did not have enough knowledge to organize a community such as making a proposal or explaining the type of activity in fron of people. As a consequence, they should work as a volunteer, and see how other people overcome these difficulties.

On the other hand, young adults can expand their knowledge about practical work in the real situation through this activity. For example, based on a publication from Jakarta Post in 2015, shows that almost 73% of volunteer in the biggest event of Indonesian Petroleum Association were dominated by people at 20 - 23 age group. As a result, those young people can enhance their skills, such as organizing or communicating. Thus, working as a volunter has a vital role towards young people to improve their competency.

To sum up, I agree that young adults should train themselves in practical work as a woker who helps a community to reach its goals without being paid. They can get a huge benefit through this programme, such as improving communication skill. (267)
septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, the majorty of children are facing a huge pressure rather than in the past [3]

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Nowadays, the majorty of children are facing a huge pressure rather than in the past due to academic, social and commercial perspective. I would argue that the willingness to be the best, and comparing children with another will lead children to become more stress. Thus, giving them education in regards to the winner is not always be the best, also teach them for being grateful are the best solution to tackle this problem.

It is popularly believe that children should be trained to increase their sense of competition in order to help them prepraing their future career as tough adults. As stated by an expert psychologist, Mark Gilbert, explains that 46% people who had been teached to compete in early stage are always occupying supervisor positions. However, they were getting more pressure than their peers when they were still a children. Therefore, children have to acquire about to become a winner, they do not have to impose themselves.

Another cause is adults usually compare their children to others. They think that it can help their children to motivate themselves to expand their abilities. In contrast with the notion that this way can lead children to get stress because they have their own unique natural abilities that are different with others. To overcome this issue is adults and children should be teached about keep feeling grateful of what they have, and help their children to improve their skills.

To sum up, as far as I concerned that teaching children about competition, and always comparing them with their peers can cause children to become more stress. I generally believe that giving them knowledge about the winners and the losers, also being grateful are the best way to help children reduce the pressure. (290)
septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / An info about people shares of money, spent for five different necessities in four various countries [2]

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009.

A breakdown of the information about people shares of money spent for five different necessities in four different countries is represented in the bar chart. It is measured in the percentage in 2009. Overall, people opted to spend more money for housing while health care and clothing were the least categories.

To start with, apart from Japan, housing was the most important needs for all countries. It was proved that United States occupied the first rank at above a quarter while the other stayed at above one-fifth. Moreover, Japan had the largest ratio in food at roughly 23%. Although the figure of food in Canada and United States were at below 15%, they had higher proportion in transportation at approximately 18% and one-fifth in a row.

Concerning to the rest parts, the percentage of health care; and clothing were only below one in ten for all countries. United States had larger proportion in health care at roughly 7% that three times as many as United Kingdom as the tiniest figure at around 2%. However, United Kingdom and Canada led in clothing proportion at close to 6% than United States and Japan at approximately 4%. (194)




septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / How many pupils have passed their high school exams, according to the subject and sex [2]

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.

A breakdown of the information about how many pupils that passed their high school exams according to the subject and sex is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in the percentage between 2010 and 2011. Overall, most female pupils had passed in computer science while male pupils were good at subjects that relate to calculation and linguistic.

Initially, girls were good at computer science. It was proved that the figure occupied in the first rank at 56,3%, nearly doubling with chemistry. Meanwhile, foreign languages and mathematics stayed at the second level at 47,4% and 49,2% in a row, that roughly twice as many as history figure. On the other hand, the percentage of geography was the least at 20,1% which physics experienced twofold bigger than it.

Concerning to the boys, they got almost the same ratio at foreign languages and mathematics. The figure showed at 46,8% and 48,4% successively while computer science stayed at 42,1% that twice bigger that history. By contrast, chemistry had the tiniest proportion at 14,1% which approximately half as many as physics and geography proportion at 34,6% and 30,4% respectively. (186)




septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The water cycle has three natural steps which start by evaporation water through the rain process. [4]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) ... the information regardingin regards to how the water cycle works.
(2) Overall, it has had three cycle ...
Overall, the cycle has three steps which are started from the evaporation process, the process of rain and how the water seep below the surface as a groundwater

(3) To begin with, the evaporation from ...
To begin with, the water is evaporated from the sea, lakes, and rivers due to the sun's heat, also through transpiration process from surrounding plants and trees that forming clouds in the sky

(4) ... and it involves a cloud which containssaturates with a lot of water.
septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Guests' quantities on two music sites [4]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) ... regarding to new music sites is presented in line graph and measured byin tens of thousands ...

(2) ... five days and keeps falling down byto 40 roughly in ...
You can use by if you want emphasize about the change
(3) InBy contrary, Music Choice's proportion ...
septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The new appearance of The Canada transition out of coal-powered electricity by 2030 [6]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your summary

(1) Canada has the plan to (...) power in 2030 withby accelerating from (...) defeating of t rump's (please using capital for mentioning a name ideas to reborn ... --> I did not get your point

... usage of coal-fired power by accelerating the existing fuel to defeat Trump's idea which want to reborn the coal industry

(2) TheyThere are two options which will be given to the four provinces, (...), where stillthe burn coal for power (...) lower-emitting resources or using carbon capture and storage technology.

...where the burn coal is still used for powering the country that produces lower-emitting resources

(3) ... of Canada's electricity and it will increase by ...
(4) the use of the Canada Infrastructure Bank's public-private funding ...
They will use a fund from Canada Infrastructure's Bank to help the goverment starting the plan
septiadara29   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2 - Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. [3]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) ... symbol of prestige and happiness even though nowadays....
or
In today's society the huge salary is a symbol of prestige and happiness. Eventhough nowadays, many people...
(2) that the big salary is the most importantthing in everyone's job....
avoid using 'thing' or 'something' in an essay
(3) The main reasonsfor supporting my statement are that, you can notcannot buy yourself a happiness...

(4) Most of the people nowadays, ...
(5) ...just because of the better salary.
article 'the' can be used for superlative, such as 'the best', but you can use article 'a' for 'better', such as a better salary
septiadara29   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most people watch Channel One NEWS at 6PM [2]

The graph below shows the average daily figures for Channel One News over a 12-month period

A breakdown of the information about the average daily figures for watching Channel One News during a 12-month period is represented in the line graph. It is measured in millions of viewers per day. Overall, it is noticable that most people watch this channel at 6 pm although a large number of watcher tended to see at 11 pm in August.

Initially, except for the 11 pm figure, others daily time had been started since January. The number of viewers at 9.30 pm increased gradually by almost 1 to approximately 4 in May while the 6 pm figure went up and down. However, the quantity of watcher at 1 pm remained unchanged between January and December at around 1.2.

Concerning to the new section, the 11 pm number started in May, and surprisingly it increased steeply at 4 over a 4-month period. On the contray, there was a sudden decrease in the number of watcher at 9.30 pm at close to 1 during the same period, but it experienced to rise again until December. Meanwhile, there was a downward trend in the 6 pm number, and it bottomed at rougly 3 in December. (193)




septiadara29   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / USA was the most popular place to be visited over the period of 1995-2010 [2]

The graph below gives information about international tourist arrivals in five countries.

A breakdown of the information about international visitor arrivals in five different countries is depicted in the line graph. It is measured in millions at five-year interval from 1995 to 2010. Overall, it can be seen that USA was the most popular place to be visited over the time, and France appeared to gain the same number with USA in last year.

To begin with, only USA which had the largest starting point in the number of tourist arrivals. It stood at roughly 70, and stayed at 85 in 2010. On the contrary, France had a significant increase of 60 in the figure for tourist, and it projected to peak at 70 in 2010.

Concerning to the rest parts, the quantity of Malaysian visitors increased markedly by 20 from 30 in 2005 to 50 in 2010. Meanwhile, the figure for Brazil; and Egypt had a similar pattern which started at approximately just under one ten. Egypt appeared to lead slightly from Brazil in visitor number at just over a fifth and rougly 18 in a row. (176)




septiadara29   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Five different sources that can produce electricity in New Zealand and Germany [2]

The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010.

A breakdown of the information about five different sources that can produce electricity in New Zealand and Germany is depicted in pie charts. It is measured in unit, in 1980 and 2010. Overall, the most obvious facts are that Coal was the most popular source in New Zealand while Nuclear, Natural Gas, and Coal were three main sources in Germany.

Initially, New Zealand did not use Nuclear as in Germany, and except Natural Gas and Petroleum, other sources had an upward trend. Coal number started at 36 and grew roughly threefold in 2010. In contrast with the figure for Natural Gas bottomed at 2 from a third. The quantity of Hydro rose slightly by 16 to 46 while petroleum saw opposite pattern at 2 in 2010.

Meanwhile, in Germany, 2010 witnessed a mark jump in Nuclear number that reached a peak at 150. Coal number remained unchanged at 28, and the figure for Natural Gas appeared to fall dramatically as in New Zealand at 2. There was a slight increase in Petroleum quantity at 5 while Hydro experienced to decline by 5 from 7 in 1980. (186)




septiadara29   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The emergence of internet can lead someone to get much information without finding out to library [2]

Some people think it is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home to obtain information, do you agree or disagree?

The emergence of the internet can lead someone to get much information without finding out to library. Thus, some people think that it is wasting money to establish libraries. The essay is disagree with the notion because library is the only place where provide reliable source of knowledge.

It is true that the internet has bring a huge benefit towards people, and one of them is providing a large amount of information. Several websites attach hundreds of papers and journals that can be freely to be accessed, such as AcademiaEdu or Sribd. According to a statistical data from University of Indoneisa reveals that the percentage of visitors in AcadimaEdu continued to rise for each year, and it stayed in 2,4 million people in last October, 2016. As a result, some websites shift the content to become more educated. Therefore, the internet make someone easy to gain information.

However, just because the internet has provided all information, does not mean it is quite unnecessary to establish libraries. It is because an enormous number of textbook or publication from authors who had studied and experimented for a long time, cannot be downloaded freely. For example, a famous sedimentologists, Sam Boggs, released four principle of sedimentology books which cost $ 226. As a result, government has supported the library by giving a fund to buy these publication to enrich citizens' knowledge. Thus, it is a good reason to allocate a considerable amount of money to improve library.

To conclude, as far as I concerned that it is not a waste effort to spend money for education reason, such as establish library to enhance our knowledge with reliable information. (275)
septiadara29   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are several factors that can lead to the difficulty of getting clean water. [2]

What are the causes of water scarcity? What are your solutions?

There are several factors that can lead to the difficulty of getting clean water. The essay will first discuss about factory waste and drought which are the main cause of water scarcity, and then to tackle these issues, I think that improving industrial waste management and building recharge area can overcome this problem.

There are some detrimental effects to live near factories, and one of them is difficult to find clean water resources due to lack of responsbility in industrial waste. A river in Gwalior, India for example. It has been polluted owing to textile factories waste that were bulit nearby the river, as stated by a publication from Jiwaji University. As a consequence, local authorities should buy pricey clean water from retailers. To tackle with this issue, factories should apply a management waste product by recycling the waste to remove dangerous chemicals that can be harmful before pouring it into the river. Thus, the water resources can be used again.

In one hand, some groups of people are also hard to find water since suffer a long time of dry season. For example, according to a research from Keio University shows that 47% of rural areas in Tokyo experience a serious problem in finding a well which provide enough water to fulfill their primary needs. As a result, many people, especially children, have suffer dehidration and related disease. Hence, to control this issue, they have to build a large dam that can be a recharge area during rain season. Therefore, preserving clean water appears to be essential to prevent lack of water.

All in all, it is undeniable that water pollution and draught can cause people difficult to find water. Therefore, as far as I concerned that developing management waste products and building a dam can be the best solution. (301)
septiadara29   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing Task I about the number of fish caught and the number of fishing boats. [6]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) A breakdown of the number of fish caught and the number of fishing crafts in Westhaven since from 2008 until to 2011 isare shown by the bar charts.

(2) ..., 2011 iswas the year with ...

Taking everything into consideration, 2011 experienced the greatest number of fish caught ...

(3) There was a gradual rise ofin the number of tuna ...
(4) Although the swordfish caught had an alternate trend between increase and ...

Although the swordfish caught had a shift trend, it witnessed to increase

(5) ... stood at 75 and itwas reached 100 at 2011.
(6) After a year, it was increased slightly in 2009 by 5 and continued to reached a peak in 2011 by 15.
septiadara29   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The graphs present information about the number of two kind of fish [8]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

(1) The graphs present the information (...) of two kinds of fish which seizedwas caught close to Westhaven ...
(2) Overall, the number of two kinds of fish, tuna and swordfish, between 2008 and 2009 (and then?) .

Overall, it can be seen that there was a constant rise for tuna caught quantity from 2010 to 2011 while the figure for swordfish caught went up rapidly in 2011. Furthermore, the number of trawling vessels had an upward trend between 2008 and 2011.

(3) .... there was a dramatic decreasedbyof 10 in 2010, ...
septiadara29   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the amount of fund that a city government contributes to book associations [4]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

You can find it on google or capture it by your phone.

(1) ... measured in pound sterling, and the total ...
(2) ... and the sum (...) had an increase trends ...

(3) Moreover, there was a decreased trend of the sum money of a city government that was given ...
Correct me if I am wrong. Please kinda check your sentence again in 'a decrease trend' because it should be a noun phrase which contains article, adjective and noun. Meanwhile your sentence contains of article verb and noun

(4) ... club members reached at 6,000 and continued by gradually decreaseda gradual decrease to 5000 ...

(5) There was an increased dramaticallya dramatical increase in the number of ...
septiadara29   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Fish Caught Result and The Fishing Boats that is Used in Westhaven [4]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

Firstly, you did not mention any year in your introduction.

(1) ... about the number of the fish kindtype that is caught in near Westhaven.
(2) ... shows the kinds of small water vehiclevehicles that was used in ...

(3) Firstly, the above chart(I suggest you to not to use this sentence again in your essay)talksshows/ reveals/ gives the information about the highest number of Tuna fish that is gottenwas caught at 110 thousand in 2011 and it hashad different totalnumber with three years ...

(4) The opposite said that(Who is the opposite?) in 2008 iswas the lowest total of Tuna that iswas approximately 90 thousand.

After I check your all essay, I found that you have a problem with the tenses. You use simple present tense that it should be simple past tense due to the year

Furhtermore, you mentioned 'the opposite said that' for several times. What did you mean? Who is the opposite? The data never said anything but shows and reveals to reader
septiadara29   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK ONE IELTS ACADEMIC WRITING LINE CHART [4]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

Do not forget to attach the picture

(1) The line chart shows the information about total ofthe amount of money that a city council presented to the book clubs during four year that is measured by pound sterling.

(2) Overall, it can be seen that the total of money which iswas given by city council always bigger than total of the book clubs.

(3) The Total money stood at 20,000 in the first year after that it increased steadily by 3,000 in the second year from 20,000 and followed by a dramatic raise in the third year and peak at 40,000.

(4) However, in the last period the trend changed to decline dramatically by 37,000.
It is better to compare the line graph than you mentioned the data one by one

(5) On the other word, books club hashad a reversed pattern with total money pattern.
(6) ... then in the next year there was a slight decline by 5000.
(7) In the third years, book clubs riserose significantly by 10000.
(8) In addition, trend of book clubs trend always increased from the last 2 years and reached at 12000 in the last period.
septiadara29   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is working in a friendly environment and doing things which you like, the main factor to be happy? [6]

Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

Introduction:
(1) you should have an occupation that your love doing...
(2) while the others argue that ...
(3) Whereas, a person can be happy if they have a job which their love(repetitive sentence),
Whereas I keen on to agree with the first notion that there are several issues to encourage a person ...

Body 1:
(4) On the one hand --> (You should only use this sentence if you have stated contradiction before
(5) ... can makes employees more enjoy and raise their work spirit and ethic of work .
(Remember about parallel structure)
(6) I reccomend you to give a brief summary in last body paragraph 1 to emphasize your opinion

Body 2:
(7) ... and work hour are the others aspects...
(8) ... she still can still nurture her children ...

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