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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 340)

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Having a dinner with three people (dead,fictional, alive) UVA essay

9 - You can cut out a lot of words if you get rid of everything that is not helpful for...

UndergraduateNasir2009 - Jan 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 22, 2010
""curiosity killed the cat" - Caltech Interest in Math,Science,Engineering Essay

NEW - This is what I have so far, feedback would be greatly appreciated. As a child, I heard the...

Undergraduatedarkwaffle - Jan 3, 2010 / — -
"E pluribus unum"; TUFTS - Let your life speak

4 - ...it is often long forgotten. Not forgotten, overlooked. Trim down the unnecessary words: E pluribus unum is a...

Undergraduatemeu123 - Jan 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 13, 2010
"how society has affected me" - Why do you want to study sociology?

3 - I have to send this in about 30 minutes, so it would be great if somebody could give me...

UndergraduateLeaUWC - Jan 3, 2010 / LeaUWC - Jan 4, 2010
Admissions Essay - Character of Fiction...#4

5 - I like this essay a lot. It is thoroughly original: from the fact you have chosen to talk about...

Undergraduatenikkicp - Jan 3, 2010 / poisonivy - Jan 13, 2010
Boston University 3 words (curious, straightforward, indomitable)

6 - I feel as though your first three paragraphs don't portray the best side of you, and remember that the...

Undergraduaterockonfreak22 - Jan 3, 2010 / davidgoes - Jan 4, 2010
Tufts Supp. Self identity and personal expression revision

6 - Thanks people I have edited it up a bunch with your suggestions and it reads much clearer. First time...

Undergraduatebilodeau54 - Jan 3, 2010 / bilodeau54 - Jan 3, 2010
Caltech Engineering/Math/Science Essay

9 - This is great. I think the last para needs to be developed a little more, and also, you might...

UndergraduateKatlynedwards - Jan 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 13, 2010
Caltech supplement: expressing interest, curiosity, or excitement about science

7 - what a jerk! I don't know if dispute is the right word, because you did not dispute...

Undergraduatejaewonhannahlee - Jan 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 13, 2010
the multifaceted education delivered, Columbia Short Answer (Why CU?)

5 - I do not envision the research labs that split the ... I envision the long (no comma necessary)...

Undergraduatemarcusballer44 - Jan 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 13, 2010
"I'm a GLEEK" (glee show obsessed)- TUFTS self-identity SUPPLEMENT

7 - It would be nice if this sentence had a sentence before it and a sentence after it so...

Undergraduatemeliza8809 - Jan 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 13, 2010
Columbia univeristy- the circumstances of my upbringing

5 - Very interesting story but I suggest you to cut it down a little more. I've heard a lot that...

Undergraduatekkrulez3001 - Jan 3, 2010 / ivan9210 - Jan 13, 2010
Alaskan's cornell engineering essay

2 - ^Did the passion grow older? ^How is this related to stimulating the visual mind,...

Undergraduatechelseas42 - Jan 3, 2010 / Liebe - Jan 3, 2010
"conservative Dutch city" - Columbia U. what is most appealing about CU &why.

3 - It could use some mention of your career aspirations and your SPECIFIC plans for the next few years... ...

UndergraduateDreamKiddo - Jan 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 12, 2010
"The Phone Call that Changed my Life" -Common App Personal Essay

2 - The way that this essay is presented conveys that Andrew's Angels changed your outlook, not Andrew's death directly. ...

UndergraduateSFRTom - Jan 3, 2010 / Punpunpun - Jan 3, 2010
Caltech Essay- How do you express your interest in math, science or engineering?

3 - Thanks for trying to help, but can you try to read the last two paragraphs? None of the...

Undergraduatehope_21 - Jan 3, 2010 / hope_21 - Jan 3, 2010
Columbia - Who am I? birds and beauty (is it focused? do I repeat myself?)

5 - I love your essay! It's so gripping, especially your description of the dead bird... Not only does this essay...

Undergraduateekfoong - Jan 3, 2010 / taquitolover64 - Jan 3, 2010
"Describe a challenge. How did the experience shape who you are?"

3 - Thank you so much!! I'm really not the best editor but I'll look at yours and see what I...

Undergraduatetaquitolover64 - Jan 3, 2010 / taquitolover64 - Jan 3, 2010
Why Tufts? Distinct Mission; INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS

8 - I like the new one better, its more personal so they can get to know who you really are....

Undergraduatejyu104 - Jan 3, 2010 / AnnAsburY - Jan 3, 2010
"three words that describe your best and how it will contribute to BU" essay

3 - As a child, I would yelp as my cousins practiced their wrestling moves on me and threw me to...

Undergraduatenannna - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 11, 2010
plain awesomeness,How family history/culture/environment influenced who you are

3 - Very nice essay, Elyzabeth. first-hand I've watched my mother struggle financially mainly due to her lack of a...

Undergraduatelyzzyestrada - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 11, 2010
"I'm Living on a Jet Plane" - Am I Conveying Anything About Myself?

4 - I think the first para would be better in the first person perspective rather than addressing "you" the reader....

Undergraduatekyledb17 - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 11, 2010
Labor vs. International Relations!

4 - I still feel like it lacks a concrete voice of who you are. Illustrative examples of the field you...

Undergraduateddragonx34 - Jan 2, 2010 / aquamarine84 - Jan 6, 2010
Cornell Hotel Management Essay

2 - interested in how hotels run As such, About the hotel, maybe mention staff* at Lanesborough haha....

UndergraduateJakeK812 - Jan 2, 2010 / meisj0n - Jan 2, 2010
Cornell - Why Engineering -- Help Me With Just a "Yes" or "No"

4 - Yes- makes sense! But I don't think you need to capitilize art or science. Good Luck :)...

Undergraduaterapoch - Jan 2, 2010 / bonitachica - Jan 2, 2010
Rice Supp -- How will you contribute to Rice?

4 - ...second person that day who had uttered those same irritating words on my earto me . Did they really...

Undergraduaterapoch - Jan 2, 2010 / Somayeh - Jan 29, 2010
Cornell CAS Essay - check over my spelling and grammar

NEW - Hi. Obviously I'm very time limited so I can't change anything significant as far as content goes. Ever...

UndergraduateJakeK812 - Jan 2, 2010 / — -
Describe and illustrate ways you have sought knowledge and commitment to service

5 - As I sat in Philosophy class pondering on my... Use a comma for this compound sentence: Working hard...

UndergraduateSpelbound2010 - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 11, 2010
Caltech Humor Prompt

4 - Uh... I gotta disagree with Punpunpun that it sounds all that "artificial and disengenuous." Okay, this maybe. ...

UndergraduateKatlynedwards - Jan 2, 2010 / Logical_Fella_C - Jan 3, 2010
Cornell U. College of Arts and Sciences suppl. essay.

4 - This looks very honest.I'm impressed.You sound like a normally dishonest boy. Cornell Univ. College is said to give a...

UndergraduateNeedHelpQuick - Jan 2, 2010 / Trix Zeta - Jan 4, 2010
CMC leadership essay -- Jumong

6 - A couple of suggestions: This manHe was a victorious leader from South Korean war history. When I...

Undergraduatemarycornell - Jan 2, 2010 / wzheng - Jan 4, 2010
boundless, altruistic, and persistent - Boston U essay 3 words describe yourself

3 - I'm really interested in programs like Make A Wish, Save Darfur, and WWF, and while I canno t donate...

Undergraduateae828 - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 11, 2010
"REACHING FOR MY DREAMS" - Why motivates you to go to Rice

4 - Second last line: I am ____ little boy. - may be "that" Well you could do one thing.. Follow...

Undergraduatedthomas518 - Jan 2, 2010 / marpals - Jan 2, 2010
"genetics lab freedom" - Cornell - College of Arts and Sciences Supplement Essay

4 - The taste of the freedom from in this genetics lab has left me... This is great! The...

UndergraduateHypnotized - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 11, 2010
UChi: Why Chicago? "UChicago Gnaws at Me"

4 - As an undecided major, I hope to discover my own niche in Chicago's rigorous and broad Common Core (no...

Undergraduatesnorlaxative - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 11, 2010
Common App essay: How A Computer Changed My Life

2 - Fellow web guy here. As a silly nitpick, websites can be dynamic, not dynamical. Overall you tell too...

UndergraduateErko - Jan 2, 2010 / Punpunpun - Jan 3, 2010
My mission to give back to struggling communities; My Tutoring Experience

7 - nice job and nice esay, just do the corrections others told about?...

UndergraduateOne - Jan 2, 2010 / melisa814 - Jan 5, 2010
Why Rice by a Taiwanese

3 - Thank you so much for your detailed response Of course! AS the Chinese proverb goes, we are on the...

Undergraduates61001234 - Jan 2, 2010 / s61001234 - Jan 2, 2010
Short essay on interest "finance"

NEW - Just need you guys to proofread, any suggestions and comments are more than welcomed. Thanks!! Topic: In an...

Undergraduatesyookhong - Jan 2, 2010 / — -
Summer of books and literature - Texas A&M essay topic A

5 - Decent essay, but you really didn't write about what they want. I mean what is the impact? you used...

Undergraduatesamisglam - Jan 2, 2010 / KingFire - Jan 9, 2010
UCF Admissions Essay - Why I chose to apply to UCF.

3 - No problem, hope to see your next draft if you post it....

Undergraduateadllop - Jan 2, 2010 / cheetah777 - Jan 3, 2010
"Choosing undeclared but goal is computer science" UIUC Essay#1

3 - Heavily Revised, very different from first draft: The first time I touched a computer, I was six and...

Undergraduatellttnn123 - Jan 2, 2010 / llttnn123 - Jan 2, 2010
Columbia short answers - books, shows, and why Columbia

6 - Hi Anada, I'm sorry I didn't get to help with these before you submitted. You should check out the...

Undergraduatepoisonivy - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 7, 2010
Cornell Supplemental Essay, Arts and Sciences

3 - Kenny, you are great, thanks so much for all the help you hae been providing here at EF. ...

Undergraduatedamo - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 12, 2010
Tennis has been a part of my life ;extracurricular activity

3 - thanks, i will read your essays as soon as i can!...

Undergraduatesyookhong - Jan 2, 2010 / syookhong - Jan 2, 2010
Hispanic Terrorists - national concern and its importance to me

2 - Let us take a journey into the halls of the most infamous high school in the Coachella Valley; Coachella...

Undergraduatehellokitty15 - Jan 2, 2010 / basil - Jan 2, 2010
College Rap on "Perseverance " for UVA, Lemme know what you think?

7 - Very nice! I could really feel the flow, and the structure ties to a rhythm very nicely. It's...

Undergraduatedamo - Jan 2, 2010 / klusterfunk - Feb 1, 2010
U of Chicago - Main Supplement Essay - Something Outgrown

2 - 'We planned many things; a road trip for the summer after we graduated high school, our college life and...

UndergraduateERC2010 - Jan 2, 2010 / ERC2010 - Jan 2, 2010
Pomona Supplement - My Deformed Finger

5 - Yes I know that anthem is a song, I just liked it because it sounded more powerful than maxim....

Undergraduatecheetah777 - Jan 2, 2010 / cheetah777 - Jan 2, 2010
U of Chicago: Why Chicago? "I have always looked beyond"

4 - They are very lenient about essay length, so this is fine. Great job! It isn't "quirky" but you express...

UndergraduatePaulina213 - Jan 2, 2010 / snorlaxative - Jan 2, 2010
My Bitter Days, Common App - Character in Fiction

3 - And yes, the theme of our essays is very similar! Haha. :)...

Undergraduateesteban8 - Jan 2, 2010 / cheetah777 - Jan 2, 2010
Claremont McKenna: , who has helped shape culture and thought

5 - Ha ha, very good. I think the reader will surely be impressed, especially if s/he is familiar with the...

Undergraduateericpark - Jan 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Jan 12, 2010
The Met Internship Application Essay

NEW - English is my second language and I feel unable to express myself efficiently. This is a program I really...

Undergraduateshamime714 - Jan 2, 2010 / — -
Statement of Purpose for Photography University -- Review needed

3 - I think the best way to cut your essay is to eliminate the first paragraph. It's too wordy and...

UndergraduateToed - Jan 2, 2010 / mpoper - Jan 4, 2010
Eccentricity, Drive and Concentration: BU supplement

5 - Does anyone have any comments about my latest draft?...

UndergraduateMF2010 - Jan 2, 2010 / MF2010 - Jan 2, 2010
"all processes of creation" - Rice Supp - Why Engineering?

6 - I like you essay, if others find the last paragraph non-related, just make a short mention of the mouse...

Undergraduaterapoch - Jan 2, 2010 / almacubana - Jan 2, 2010
Why Duke?- excellent academics and vibrant community.

6 - Good job gettig rid of the verbosity, flows a lot better now. Uhm its better but I still...

Undergraduatepoisonivy - Jan 2, 2010 / twizzlestraw - Jan 2, 2010
Rice supplement - short answer. why the Natural Sciences school?

6 - I like knowing how things work. As a little girl, I would sit next to my mother as soon...

Undergraduatealmacubana - Jan 2, 2010 / J724 - Jan 7, 2010
My respect for my ideneity in Quito, Ecuador- Common App

6 - No worries, I'm not that great with grammar myself...(I have to read over my essays like A MILLION times...

UndergraduateJimmyzg213 - Jan 2, 2010 / cheetah777 - Jan 3, 2010
"Especial" - Rice supplement essay.

4 - Cheetah777 covered the little grammatical/spelling fixes. It's a leeeetle long, however, it's incredibly interesting. Beyond basic statistical facts, I...

Undergraduatealmacubana - Jan 2, 2010 / Ivy_Equestrian - Jan 2, 2010

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