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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 173)

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'Our baby' -University of California accomplishment essay

3 - Hi, iLuHWz! Thanks so much for the help. Those were great suggestions, and the details can really count!...

Undergraduatecooldudebill - Oct 16, 2012 / cooldudebill - Oct 17, 2012
What is the importance of diversity ?

2 - I feel like this essay is really vague. You are supposed to talk more about yourself such as what...

Undergraduatehagertahir - Oct 17, 2012 / TAT12 - Oct 17, 2012
'The only thing left was the future' - AN ASIAN GIRL GOING TO COLLEGE essay

4 - I'm glad they helped! Just make sure to have plenty of other people read it and give more advice....

UndergraduateHiImAsian - Oct 17, 2012 / GraceDL - Oct 17, 2012
"my dad's name on TV" - University of Texas at Austin - Undergraduate Statement of Purpose!

2 - For me your essay is very good to read. I think you should show to your teacher or some...

Undergraduatethalia1234 - Sep 26, 2012 / Dcool - Oct 17, 2012
'Music: Friend, Or Enemy?' - Common app essay

3 - allisfried It is nice essay but sentences are too long. But still ok though....

Undergraduateallisfried - Oct 3, 2012 / Dcool - Oct 17, 2012
Dramatic tales, Storyteller-- NYU SUPPLEMENT

2 - i feel like you are telling too little about urself. so maybe the ending seems a little bit abrupt....

Undergraduatebhoppe - Oct 17, 2012 / Jane123 - Oct 17, 2012
"Amongst the Mountains" - Common App Essay

3 - Thanks for the help...

Undergraduatepokeyno1 - Oct 17, 2012 / pokeyno1 - Oct 17, 2012
STANFORD: The Chance I Never Had;The Power of Happiness

2 - I really liked both of the essays! You conveyed meaningful experiences in a very short amount of space and...

Undergraduatesrp284cave - Oct 17, 2012 / rcimalive - Oct 17, 2012
'to become a computer programmer or software engineer' College entrance essay for UCF

2 - "Also, it is within Florida, so it's not too far, but it's not so close that I can stay...

UndergraduateCort98 - Oct 3, 2012 / srp284cave - Oct 17, 2012
Obstacles in your academic or personal life. Common App UCF critique

2 - there were years where it was extremely difficult to purchase school supplies. Should be WHEN instead of WHERE ...

Undergraduatenostalgiaxo - Sep 29, 2012 / srp284cave - Oct 17, 2012
'Academic discussions and social interactions' - BROWN-Why are you going to college?

4 - I don't think you have to start with "These are the reasons I want to go to college" because...

Undergraduateandrewnreilly95 - Oct 17, 2012 / pokeyno1 - Oct 17, 2012
'magnificent grandeur of music' - Short essay from Common app.

8 - yes it is a typo.. I forgot to take that 'what' out haha;;;...

Undergraduateljy9152 - Oct 13, 2012 / ljy9152 - Oct 17, 2012
'The streets of San José' --Applying to Penn, Georgetown, and UChicago

4 - Nice vocabulary and interesting detail....

Undergraduatewjbaw - Oct 17, 2012 / Sweaty123 - Oct 17, 2012
'Not fitting into a mold' - University of PennsylvaniaShort Answer

3 - Thank you so much for your critique! I am definitely going to make some changes....

Undergraduatewjbaw - Oct 17, 2012 / wjbaw - Oct 17, 2012
'Commitment, patience and hard work' - Common App Short Essay Extracurricular

NEW - Hi, I have 2 differnent possible responses to the common app short answer - I would apreciate any advice...

UndergraduateCGT95 - Oct 17, 2012 / — -
Sound and the Fury - How I view success.

4 - Thank you both. I have edited this essay, and am posting a new version. Now, I will go to...

UndergraduatecaseySchooling - Oct 17, 2012 / caseySchooling - Oct 17, 2012
'girl's varsity tennis team' - Common app short answer: extracurriculars

5 - Add some information about exercises you did that provided you with determination and such....

UndergraduateTAT12 - Oct 15, 2012 / caseySchooling - Oct 17, 2012
univ. of maryland supplements; 'The whole is greater than the sum of its parts'

NEW - 4. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.' - Aristotle. The intellectual, social and cultural differences...

Undergraduatechrisgoodhue - Oct 17, 2012 / — -
'Growing and maturing without a father' - Commonapp PS-feedback

2 - This is a very touching essay. Make sure that it concentrates on how she has changed YOU. I know...

Undergraduatejissica - Oct 16, 2012 / wjbaw - Oct 17, 2012
Out of these topics I came up with which has potential for an admissions essay?

2 - Hi :) Out of these 3 topics, I like topic 2 the best. I always encourage people to write...

Undergraduatemattno - Oct 17, 2012 / Jennyflower81 - Oct 17, 2012
'they can be giants one day' - common app essay

3 - Thx Casey. BUMP. BUMP. Someone else look at this please? I think it doesn't reflect ME very...

Undergraduateangela0407 - Oct 11, 2012 / angela0407 - Oct 17, 2012
COMMON APP ESSAY - performing and musical theatre is my passion

3 - Your writing skills are very good :) May I ask how do you practice writing essays. If you could...

Undergraduatecayleyc - Sep 22, 2012 / ademcelik - Oct 17, 2012
Statement of Purpose- Astronomy: A humbling experience

2 - wow, it is a good essay...

Undergraduatewesleysuhler - Sep 24, 2012 / raiyan - Oct 17, 2012
'Successful dancer's performance' - NYU supplement "what intrigues you"

2 - Your essay isn't silly at all It shows passion for your culture and something that you have interest in....

UndergraduateJane123 - Oct 16, 2012 / enfren - Oct 16, 2012
'Obtaining a background in the computing industry' - Cornell Supplmentary

3 - add a short story. what contributes to your huge interest in engineering? just one or two sentence is enough,...

Undergraduatekoreanincambo - Oct 15, 2012 / Jane123 - Oct 16, 2012
'Evolving through failures into a success' - Common Application Personal Statement

2 - I really like the direction you are going!! I like how you correlate each negative experience with a positive...

Undergraduatetigerlily6 - Oct 2, 2012 / tommyboy614 - Oct 16, 2012
'An average Mexican restaurant' - COMMON APP- WORK EXPERIENCE

2 - College admin officers always say to "show" what you mean instead of telling. I would recommend telling a story...

Undergraduateaskelliott - Oct 16, 2012 / ldirkx - Oct 16, 2012
VCU: Pg. 87 Autobiography - 'I have changed immensely'

2 - What kind of challenges? You could say something like "Whether ______ or ________, I have come across some obstacles,...

UndergraduateSunshineCLe - Sep 30, 2012 / mcgreeky - Oct 16, 2012
'The consequences of being premature' - college influence essay

4 - hey is a draft of what i think will be the final When I think of someone who...

Undergraduateianthecat - Oct 10, 2012 / ianthecat - Oct 16, 2012
'Jerry Maguire' - What intrigues you?-NYU essay prompt

2 - Hello, NYU is not looking for a summary of the word of fiction or art, but rather how...

Undergraduates_choi - Oct 15, 2012 / admission2012 - Oct 16, 2012
The Little Things - Harvard Prompt

5 - Thank you for your help! It's really nice of you to do so. And your advice helps much. About...

UndergraduateCIEL - Oct 15, 2012 / CIEL - Oct 16, 2012
'Drill team try-out' - EXTRACURRICULAR essay

3 - I agree with rxa0789, I would like to see more details about your experience, maybe even a short anecdote?...

Undergraduatekarinaestrada16 - Oct 14, 2012 / jjdeyuyu - Oct 16, 2012
All About Me Essay

5 - Assalam O Allekum, I am ishtiaque ali student of commerce, my residence town khairpur mir's where I had...

UndergraduateCarolina12510 - Sep 25, 2012 / ishtiaqali - Oct 16, 2012
Tufts - It's Not Easy Being Green! (Or Is It?) - Optional Essay

9 - Thank you so much!...

UndergraduateIvy_Equestrian - Jan 4, 2010 / Sweaty123 - Oct 16, 2012
Common App short answer; "the only girl in a soccer team"

4 - I think that the emphasis should be on the fact that you stepped outside of a cultural norm, so...

Undergraduatewinifred - Oct 15, 2012 / hmtatem - Oct 15, 2012
College Essay A: Adam Savage impacted my life

4 - There are some very good aspects about your essay, but I feel as if it is a bit impersonal....

Undergraduatezkinx6 - Oct 14, 2012 / hmtatem - Oct 15, 2012
'Yearbook staff and dancing' - COMMON APP

6 - In the first paragraph, you'd better indicate the topic you are gonna talk about. When I read your first...

Undergraduatemdas1313 - Oct 15, 2012 / winifred - Oct 15, 2012
'I hated her' Indicate a person who has had significance on you and describe

2 - I think that you should change the introduction. It is confusing and I do not know if Marybeth is...

Undergraduatedancer1995 - Oct 15, 2012 / hmtatem - Oct 15, 2012
'My mom sacrifices for me' A person who has had a significant influence on you essay

4 - the last few sentences are the most important when you talk about the effect she has had on you,...

Undergraduatekelseyy613 - Oct 15, 2012 / MITHopeful - Oct 15, 2012
'My Pink Partner' Narration and Description for My auto pencil

4 - I did what I could. There still may be errors. Much of this writing is confusing about who/what you...

UndergraduateAlyssa - Oct 15, 2012 / Delxysic - Oct 15, 2012
Common App Essay - Leadership and Cake

NEW - I whizzed up the staircase, dodging the sea of students descending towards me. Caught up in my thoughts, I...

UndergraduateAanya - Oct 15, 2012 / — -
UF Essay-Contributing to the campus-unemployment issues

3 - Here, I've redone it a bit (the green parts). Thank you for you help! Is this any better? ...

Undergraduateheymishel - Oct 15, 2012 / heymishel - Oct 15, 2012
'State Track Meet in Triple Jump' - Common App Extracurricular

2 - Five years had passed from when I first stepped onto the runway; since then, I'd grown to love the...

Undergraduatellin - Oct 15, 2012 / Jennyflower81 - Oct 15, 2012
Article on in-kind donation; research on TOMS and similar organizations

2 - Hi :) I have a few suggestions. Try to organize your thoughts. You have a lot of information...

Undergraduatechocolatte - Oct 15, 2012 / Jennyflower81 - Oct 15, 2012
I was given a writing prompt on 5 senses...

3 - I would write it as an opinion piece with some description, but it's probably better to ask a classmate...

UndergraduateColey1120 - Oct 14, 2012 / chocolatte - Oct 15, 2012
'my grandmother' - The Power of Nature vs Nurture/Common App

5 - Like the others, I like your topic:nature vs. nurture. That would be unique and attractive. I think you should...

Undergraduateroot - Sep 25, 2012 / winifred - Oct 15, 2012
'student council experience extracirricular activity ways I can make it sound better?

3 - Well the activity you have mentioned above is quite a great case for short anwer. You've got enough details...

Undergraduatekoreanincambo - Oct 15, 2012 / CIEL - Oct 15, 2012
my best friend Bronson - Most influential person

2 - Great essay! I really enjoyed it and it conveyed growth and change. Just a few minor things I would...

Undergraduatejennalyn220 - Oct 15, 2012 / jjdeyuyu - Oct 15, 2012
Best of Both Worlds - College Essay

2 - I like it, it's a good but i don't think you answered the "what you would bring to the...

Undergraduatejjdeyuyu - Oct 15, 2012 / karinaestrada16 - Oct 15, 2012
UC Topic 1 - Independent Girl; Describe the world you come from

2 - Work on the beginning of this paper, make it clear what your topic is right away. The part about...

Undergraduatekathytheson - Oct 14, 2012 / Jennyflower81 - Oct 15, 2012
"All Ye Faithful" - UT - Topic B

5 - Hey, thanks for revising my essay.! I have read yours, and here is something that I could think...

UndergraduateAPD - Oct 13, 2012 / ellecc - Oct 15, 2012
'Asian among the white community' - PERSONAL STATEMENT

3 - Thanks for the feedback! So would you recommend trying to incorporate another anecdote to begin the third paragraph?...

Undergraduatellin - Oct 14, 2012 / llin - Oct 14, 2012
'I am my own student' - app essay (Georgetown)

3 - Thanks so much for your feedback! I will definitely change the pirate thing, I hadn't thought of that and...

Undergraduateselenaschav - Oct 14, 2012 / selenaschav - Oct 14, 2012
'Born in America to Indian parents' - UT Austin- Optional Essay (respect)

2 - High up here, it is just the mountain and I. Cross out the out in "Someone shouted out,...

Undergraduaterxa0789 - Oct 14, 2012 / bryantjet - Oct 14, 2012
'Engineering and Ping Pong' - Georgia Tech Short Essay

3 - I have to agree with rxa0789; there is a somewhat garrulous aspect of your essay. You just seem to...

Undergraduatesrivatsavt - Oct 1, 2012 / caseySchooling - Oct 14, 2012
'Swimming is integral' - Common App Extracurricular Short Answer

4 - Thanks, I fixed it up and adding a more concrete example. Can you guys see if this improved? ...

Undergraduatebryantjet - Oct 14, 2012 / bryantjet - Oct 14, 2012
'write your future roommate a letter' Can someone give comments on my essay?

4 - I don't think this essay answers the question very well. You should just focus on one thing about you...

Undergraduatechristies - Oct 11, 2012 / karinaestrada16 - Oct 14, 2012
'Hard-working and kind-hearted father' - UT A-Someone who has impacted your life.

2 - This is a well written essay. A few things you could do would be to talk more about your...

Undergraduatekjb8401 - Sep 29, 2012 / rxa0789 - Oct 14, 2012
Duke Supplement- Arts and Sciences

3 - Duke was not only the first college I visited, but it was the last. There were college tours in...

Undergraduatecollegebound16 - Oct 14, 2012 / Ownpudi - Oct 14, 2012
Military Academy Nomination Essay; Service. Structure. Ethics. Challenge.

2 - Really strong start!! I LOVE the opening sentence. As far as the body goes it is a tad bit...

Undergraduatehpdwnsn95 - Oct 14, 2012 / princess_molly - Oct 14, 2012

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