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|"Success is a ladder..." - UCF Admissions Essay!
4 - first of all, your thesis/argument is very general here. ad EF_Simone was telling you, the topic itself is overused...
UndergraduateR0xt0nM - Sep 9, 2009 / zowzow - Sep 10, 2009
|"Asperger's Syndrome patients" - COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER
3 - Could you include the essay question and the word limit? Would be able to help better if I knew...
Undergraduatechrismckin - Sep 7, 2009 / Moonshadow0302 - Sep 10, 2009
|The Brink of Insanity on a Submarine (University of Washington Transfer Essay)
5 - Thanks for the input..I'll post my next revision soon. I'm still trying to find a way to express how...
Undergraduatejbow808 - Sep 9, 2009 / jbow808 - Sep 10, 2009
|Carcarones and History Student of the Year Awards...
Undergraduatemaryhpotter - Sep 7, 2009 / maryhpotter - Sep 9, 2009
|the president of school television network - UIUC Essay #2
2 - Read your first sentence. It is in present tense even though you are talking about the past. Look at...
UndergraduatePositiveHao - Sep 9, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 9, 2009
|"Don't just say it, do it", says my DAD; Person who had a significant influence on me
5 - My new essay- please helped me correct the grammar Describe a person who has had a significant influence...
UndergraduatePrBeGr - Sep 5, 2009 / PrBeGr - Sep 9, 2009
|Sibling Rivalry/Cross-Country - UF Admission Essay
6 - You did a really good job. I agree with EF_Simone , 'unique individual' is redundant! High energy level throughout...
UndergraduateMalorieL - Aug 14, 2009 / rbz4real - Sep 9, 2009
|How Do You Think Your University Study Will Affect Your Career In The Future
6 - Thanks i'il do that right away.i was wondering if you could help me with a befitting closing paragraph...
Undergraduatedexzy4 - Sep 7, 2009 / dexzy4 - Sep 9, 2009
|"My parents focused on helping me" - UCF application
11 - I get nothing about family history or culture. Did your parents come from a country where it was hard...
UndergraduateBordonarov - Sep 6, 2009 / jgv115 - Sep 9, 2009
|"Perseverance...sacrifice...selflessness..." - COMMON APP MAIN ESSAY
Undergraduatejbd1992 - Sep 7, 2009 / jbd1992 - Sep 9, 2009
|Changing Community (a problem of perception)
2 - I think your first sentence is redundant. Save space for more vivid details that you can write about. And...
Undergraduatetkkt1 - Sep 8, 2009 / eternal flame - Sep 9, 2009
|"there is more to music than just the written word" - UF undergrad essay-> 1979
UndergraduateNightmre1225 - Sep 8, 2009 / Nightmre1225 - Sep 8, 2009
|Marching Band (My Essay For UF)
2 - This is not an essay. It's one long run-on paragraph. Break this into paragraphs. Along the way, proofread for...
UndergraduateKelz0 - Sep 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 8, 2009
|"My love for Computers" - U of I #1
Undergraduatenellyspageli - Sep 8, 2009 / Mayada - Sep 8, 2009
|"Becoming a knight" - Application Essay for UCF.
Undergraduatedanceislife_e - Sep 4, 2009 / nellyspageli - Sep 8, 2009
|Our university value diversity. Explain what diversity you can bring.
2 - That's it exactly. We need to see some specific examples of ways in which your diverse experiences have...
Undergraduateflo144 - Sep 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 8, 2009
|Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement
9 - He must have sat down and played improvisational music several times. Each of these times, he played a...
UndergraduatePikafu - Sep 4, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 8, 2009
|'Strong Mechanical Engineer' - Personal Statement 250 words min. Why Transfer?
3 - I'd start here, and cut the paragraph about your mother entirely. I certainly wouldn't expand on it. If...
Undergraduatejemma2011 - Sep 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 8, 2009
|Write about someone who has impacted your life and why ("My mother")
3 - Yeah, I'd strongly urge you to pick someone else to talk about. Maybe you have a sibling, friend, or...
Undergraduategabbyninja - Sep 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 8, 2009
|"swim coach" - Person of influence. Common App
Undergraduatesnvswim247 - Sep 7, 2009 / tal105 - Sep 7, 2009
|Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !)
Undergraduateamy87014 - Sep 2, 2009 / tal105 - Sep 7, 2009
|All of a sudden everything is different; it was as if I'm experiencing the plots of a drama; Tragedy
9 - emotion... my English teachers always say that my essays lack emotion. One thing I don't get is how do...
Undergraduateamy87014 - Sep 6, 2009 / amy87014 - Sep 7, 2009
|Hospitality Management - my Rough Draft for my UCF application Essay :)
2 - the first 2 paragraphs are really good! and the last one isnt weak, persay, but it starts to get...
UndergraduateKelz0 - Sep 7, 2009 / Beautifulnights - Sep 7, 2009
|"1...2...BOOM!"- Common app
9 - Great essay, nothing i can add more than what has already been said, but try your hardest to be...
UndergraduateBeautifulnights - Sep 7, 2009 / jbd1992 - Sep 7, 2009
|'studying photography' - FSU Essay -- Vires, Artes, Mores
UndergraduateK_Titus - Aug 31, 2009 / Beautifulnights - Sep 7, 2009
|'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic
Undergraduateepkrnftblluva - Sep 1, 2009 / Beautifulnights - Sep 7, 2009
|'my close friend Jacob' - UF Essay, focused enough? Looking for opinion on it.
12 - PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS NOT THE PROMPT FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA ESSAY in 2009! 2009 essay question...
Undergraduatetrueathlete8 - Sep 2, 2009 / jankrav - Sep 7, 2009
|"How Your Mind Works"; Why I want to major in psychology
5 - wow.. thanks for all your suggestions and comments!! I'll definitely try to work on my intro for sure. I'll...
Undergraduatejakewhaat - Aug 28, 2009 / jakewhaat - Sep 7, 2009
|'I will not settle for C's or D's again' -University of California Personal Statement
NEW - This is my rough draft. Any comment/suggestions welcome! Thanks Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution...
Undergraduateisabelramos33 - Sep 7, 2009 / — -
|Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice
Undergraduatekeds51 - Aug 16, 2009 / keds51 - Sep 7, 2009
|Northwestern University Transfer Essay
9 - haha my bad, I meant Not predestine. Do you guys think i should talk more about the social events...
UndergraduateHolton89 - Sep 6, 2009 / Holton89 - Sep 7, 2009
|'Vacation Bible school' - Michigan......Diversity Essay experience
Undergraduateprobro - Sep 7, 2009 / ELL - Sep 7, 2009
|"an all girls Catholic school" - Diversity
Undergraduatemega - Sep 7, 2009 / tal105 - Sep 7, 2009
|'German heritage in Maryland' - a draft for the short answer section - Common App
Undergraduatemezmerize - Sep 5, 2009 / mezmerize - Sep 7, 2009
|'Dominating sports' - Overcoming Obstacles: University of Michigan
3 - Right, your judgment in going against doctor's orders might also be questioned. I know that this story fits into...
Undergraduatemeganyanik - Sep 7, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 7, 2009
|'Assisting others without compensation' - FSU Admissions
7 - Alright then, thanks for the help, and trust me...I don't mind criticism, so if you have any more suggestions,...
Undergraduatea_roulhac92 - Sep 5, 2009 / a_roulhac92 - Sep 7, 2009
|What appeals the most to you about our school - My admission essay
Undergraduatexcapedadinosaur - Sep 4, 2009 / xcapedadinosaur - Sep 7, 2009
|"It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay
Undergraduateeaglez1177 - Aug 11, 2009 / Rajiv - Sep 7, 2009
|"Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay
22 - I'll get you started, grammar-wise: I am a Chinese who was raised in a small village from Malaysia,...
Undergraduatehktan1 - Sep 5, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 7, 2009
|"how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay
18 - How about trying something concrete and specific? I would be so myself, but I naturally don't know the concrete...
Undergraduatelexi_z - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 7, 2009
|'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response
UndergraduateMayada - Sep 2, 2009 / Mayada - Sep 6, 2009
|" Vires, Artes, Mores" -FSU topic
3 - Either give an example in your third paragraph in order to expand your ideas or take it out so...
Undergraduateionutalbu25 - Sep 5, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 6, 2009
|"my mother rubbing her eyes in exhaustion" - UCF personal statement
5 - your essay is good , missing some details at some points. write more comprehensively and please mention the constraints...
Undergraduateale1426 - Sep 5, 2009 / NEHALB - Sep 6, 2009
|Participating in the regional science fair (Common App- Short Answer)
Undergraduatekeds51 - Sep 5, 2009 / Liebe - Sep 6, 2009
|from africa to usa (how to start my personal statement?)
7 - I just deleted one of your comments on another member's essay. You must make substantial comments in order for...
Undergraduatekroseanne - Aug 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 5, 2009
|PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend)
8 - Talk about personification! That sounds like the mark itself, rather than the writer or speaker, is excited. ...
Undergraduatebenz - Sep 1, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 5, 2009
|What would you do to improve the world? - Trinity College Schorlaship
4 - Llamapoop123 Sorry but I've just made up the outline. The creative form I told you above is my...
UndergraduateGilley - Sep 5, 2009 / Gilley - Sep 5, 2009
|"Out of difficulties, makes miracle" (Purdue University essay)
10 - ^I think you should. This essay is not that interesting. People do fail their tests in a while,...
Undergraduateryantan1121 - Sep 5, 2009 / Liebe - Sep 5, 2009
|George Washington University- Transfer Student Admissions Essay
7 - Right, but in some spiritual systems, the start and end point are the same place and journey is not...
Undergraduatecasetro311 - Aug 31, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 5, 2009
|Folding Diseases (UVA Admissions Essay)
2 - It's a bit show-offy, but readers expect that in an admission essay. I like the use of avant-garde,...
Undergraduatecatalyst0435 - Sep 4, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 5, 2009
|the pediatric volunteer - Common App- Siginificant experience
7 - ^Your use of the word 'aware' suggests your certainty, whereas your use of the word 'perhaps' does...
Undergraduatethisissparta - Aug 26, 2009 / Liebe - Sep 5, 2009
|LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW - "The Mission"; Apa format
4 - Yes, many of your sources seem to come from the JPL website, but as you have the author names...
Undergraduateskyrider2812 - Sep 4, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 4, 2009
|Applying to college after a 10 year absence; Non-traditional Student
5 - Firstly, this essay as a whole is really inspiring, and like Simone and Sean said, it's strong and pointed....
UndergraduateSFLady77 - Sep 4, 2009 / catalyst0435 - Sep 4, 2009
|Transfer Admission Essay - a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals
6 - Media and their connection to the human experience are fascinating, so much so that this tepid statement falls...
UndergraduateCorpusCallosum - Aug 1, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 4, 2009
|"America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help?
16 - What major? Why don't you say? This essay could have been written by any applicant. You need it...
Undergraduateshannyn92 - Sep 4, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 4, 2009
|Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay)
9 - Thanks, I realize the last paragraph could be extraneous, and probably is given the negative response to it, so...
Undergraduatecatalyst0435 - Sep 3, 2009 / catalyst0435 - Sep 4, 2009
|UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute; Spring Festival in China
5 - You picked a good experience to write about, and I think the essay is fundamentally solid. That lets...
Undergraduatecissywdi - Sep 2, 2009 / catalyst0435 - Sep 4, 2009
|Fascinated by the business world (Ryerson essay)
5 - Is there a prompt for this essay? I ask because your essay sounds like an autobiography of all...
Undergraduatesohelmatrix - Sep 2, 2009 / catalyst0435 - Sep 4, 2009
|'Both education and Track and Field' - Stanford a good place for you?
Undergraduatethegerman - Aug 1, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 4, 2009
|Common Application Essay - Mark Twain
7 - Your revision is much stronger. In general, I advise people under 30 to avoid saying "nowadays," as if they...
UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 3, 2009
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