Writing Feedback / Lawbreakers, who haven't committed serious crimes, ought to be assigned non remuneration social work [2]

@mathew123
Hey!

I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes beneficial for your learning and grasping of English. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to reach out to us once more.

First and foremost, I suggest minimizing the number of interlinked sentences and/or phrases to cultivate a smoother sentence. This is essential, especially if we would review the first paragraph that you currently have. Remember that the goal is to relay the message rather than battle with any complexity that may accompany the writing.

Furthermore, be cautious of small mistakes in the grammatical composition. This can be reflected not only with larger composition mistakes but also with your usage of tenses. Review your second paragraph for this reason.

The last two paragraphs of the essay are well-composed. I would only suggest that your language needs to focus more on being critical rather than being oblivious to writing.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IMPROVED MEDICAL CARE HELPS THAT PEOPLE ARE LIVING LONGER AND LIFE EXPECTANCY IS INCREASING [2]

@Trieu Duong
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope that you learn something from this essay for your future endeavors. If you do, don't hesitate to approach us for more information.

Firstly, the initial portions of the content need to be structured a lot more. While you had an introductory paragraph, the concrete thesis statement needs to be highlighted in the writing. If you are unable to do so, it would drastically impact your written work, considering that you should emphasize on these values a lot more.

The second portion of the essay is well-done, I would say. You had integrated a sophisticated and yet step-by-step formatting in explaining the major thesis statement. What I would suggest would be to add more concrete examples here to add more substance to your writing.

Conclusion needs a bit more substance as well. The first sentence appears to be rather stretched out thinly without having a proper direction of the content.

Writing Feedback / A rising trend nowadays that urban residents live in small families instead of large families [3]

@rivathh
Hey there! This is quite an outdated post, however I will still try to provide you with a palatable review on this work.

Firstly, I commend how straightforward the first paragraph is when it comes to laying on the ground all of the essential information that people should know with regards the topic. Keep this up! Most of my concerns are surrounding the body paragraph because of how overblown the content is. The second paragraph needs to have firmer and more understandable sense of direct. Notice how there's a lack of correlation between the first sentences and the latter portions of the text. Try your best to intertwine your thoughts from the beginning to the end to evade having to squeeze everything in a smaller chunk.

The arguments that you placed in the third paragraph also need to be hammered down a lot more. Consider that you need to convince the readers about the nature of the written work.

Scholarship / From civil engineering to a marketing major - Korean government scholarship [2]

@fazlianarisam
Hey, welcome. I hope that whatever feedback you see here would be beneficial for your writing endeavors. Don't be afraid to hit us up for more information on your writing. We'd love for you to be a consistent part of the forum.

First and foremost, the initial parts of the essay lacked structure. Remember that adding that intensity factor to your writing should not be solely limited to writing without ease. Remember that it is critical for you to have substantiated this writing with a lot more value and dedication. From the get-go, your first or introductory paragraph lacked that dedicated dynamism. Notice how you needed to take it step-by-step instead of having a cluster or chunk of text here.

Furthermore, adding a randomized quotation to add flair in between of all of this critical information is not necessarily something that is given emphasis to. If you can, try to focus more on adding substantive information rather than blabbering about certain topics that are out of the focal point of your writing.

Undergraduate / The complexity of Climate Change - Princeton essay [3]

@quavius
Hey there. I'm happy to see you here again! I hope that this feedback becomes helpful for you again this time around.

Firstly, I commend the introduction for having a creative and yet formal approach to starting your essay. Because these types of essays require that you utilize these flairs a lot more to lure in readers, it would help to have a more balanced written work.

Merge together your first and second paragraph, however. It was quite repetitive already with the content of your second one. You could have opted to just merge them and explain the derivation of climate change from all the social situations you've been in.

The central or middle blocks of text in this essay are alright. What I suggest is ensuring that your last paragraph doesn't appear to be too much of a repetition from the first paragraph. Remember that you have to concretely develop your essay, not merely repeat what you've mentioned before. The concluding remarks should be focused on critical analysis, not necessarily just mere summation of the text provided.

Writing Feedback / Why do so many road accidents occur in Vietnam. What do you think of some possible effects. [3]

@phuongvn98
Hey, welcome to the forum. However you may have found us, I sincerely hope that you keep coming back here for more input on your writing. I'll provide you with feedback on this essay to hopefully help you in your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, try to utilize words that will not only boost the formality of your writing but will as well help you create more concise writing patterns. For example, writing increasing instead of more and more definitely gives you more points in the overall formality of the text. Bear in mind that, while these are minute details in comparison the rest of the text, they certainly add-up in value.

The latter parts of your text need more concrete examples to back them up. Consider your second paragraph, for example. While you were attempting to explain the behavior of the Viet here, it certainly is not helpful that you only have one chunk of text here provided. Try to mention a more specific example that's dated. While these vague examples are alright, they do not help improve your essay's overall writing flow.

Writing Feedback / Compare the influence between parents and friends on teenagers [2]

@hoanglinh0510
Hey, welcome. As I always tell others, I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you. Don't hesitate to come around the forum consistently and provide feedback to others as well! This will be helpful for all of us simultaneously.

Before I proceed, giving us a briefing of what this essay is for would certainly help us assess the level of formality and quality that we are looking for. If you can do this, it would give your essay leverage in being assessed with as much fervor as possible.

First and foremost, considering that (I am assuming) you are using APA citations, try to minimize the overall cluttering of references. This not only pertains to the formatting of writing them and including them into the text; rather, this should also include the usage of the appropriate amount of citations. To give you a glimpse, it is critical to have at least one (and a maximum of two) in one paragraph. This will pave way for you to have a more secured understanding of the text.

Furthermore, the latter portions of the text require a bit more formulated organization. Structure is critical when you're working with this much information. I suggest that you take advantage of this to the fullest extent possible.

Writing Feedback / Who should be responsible for teaching children good manners: school or family? [2]

@thuonglt
Hello there. Welcome to the site! Since you are new here, feel free to venture and interact with your fellow students. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this writing to hopefully help you in your future endeavors.

Firstly, before I begin, my initial thoughts directly lean towards explaining that the separation of three paragraphs to compose one essay is critical. This essentially helps the readers know that you have sufficient knowledge on this topic to be able to write with ease about it. Because of this, I initially suggest that you stick with this conventional and fundamental set-up for your written work. Not doing so would certainly negatively impact the way in which your essay would be understood by the readers.

Taking it a bit further, while I find that you were attempting to incorporate a lot of key details into the writing, you lacked dynamism in the overall portrayal. Consider the third paragraph onward. You were already over explaining your sentiments rather than going straight to the core issue that you wanted to focus on.

Writing Feedback / Life has become more stressful. As a result, stress-related illnesses are on the increase [2]

@phuong1604
Hey, dear. Welcome here. I hope that you find the feedback you are looking for in this forum.

First and foremost, while I appreciate how you tried to make the first paragraph a lot more compact (despite putting a lot of information into this portion), I think that you could have still opted to omit certain fillers. For instance, the word "some" is often utilized to indicate a dedicated quantity that one is unsure of. In a lot of instances, such as in your first paragraph, it can be left behind without affecting much of the content.

Furthermore, the latter portions of your essay require a bit more of a tangible, concrete examples are required to showcase that your essay has a lot more grounding than others. If you are able to do this, you'll have a more intensive focus in your writing, letting you focus a lot more on developing more critical insights for your writing.

Writing Feedback / COMPARE TRADITIONAL - MODERN FAMILY IN VIETNAM [2]

@mimichangchang
Hey, welcome! I hope that you appreciate this feedback. If you like what you see in this forum, don't hesitate to approach us again and become an active member of this community.

First and foremost, I truly appreciate how compact the first portions of the essay are. This makes it easier to digest the core values of your text because of how composed the writing is. I recommend sticking to this formatting throughout to ensure that you are blending in with ease.

I commend how put-together your writing is in terms of grammatical fundamentals. You had quite a good grasp of grammar already, making it easier to see through your content.

Remember, though, that it is critical that you have a distinguishable set of content. Having appropriate lengths for your paragraphs would assist you immensely in ensuring that you are not over explaining. If you take a look at your text, it appears to be rather just one block of text. It would be nicer to stick with a more appropriate and conventional style of having a separate portion for the introduction, body, and paragraph. This will help you maximize your writing as well.

Scholarship / Programme Assistant with WFP - Chevening - One of my leadership and influencing stories [3]

@FurkatUsmonov
Hey. Welcome to the forum! However you may have discovered us, I hope that this feedback serves you well in your future endeavors. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach us.

Firstly, I appreciate the introductory paragraph because of the sheer amount of perseverance and effort inculcated into it. The details that you had all over the text meant that you were able to make concrete your skill set, considering that you have tangible reasons to do so. Because of this, I find your writing to be put-together and decent.

My suggestion would be to evade over explaining simplified details that may not necessarily be value-heavy. Take, for example, the third paragraph. While it was great that you had ingrained this story-telling value to your writing, the central text squeezed between your introduction and conclusion is comprised of unnecessary details. Omit these. Or, better yet, try to tell your story without putting too much strain on your writing.

The last two paragraphs could have been integrated and merged to ensure a peaceful transition. Ensure that you are abiding by these to have a more capitalized sentiment by the end of it all.

Writing Feedback / Task 1/Bar chart/ Australian men and woman who exercised frequently in 2010 [3]

@winniethepooh
Hey, welcome! I'm here to provide you with feedback on your writing. I hope that this somehow becomes beneficial for your writing goals. Should it be, don't hesitate to keep coming back to us.

For one, I suggest opting to reconstruct your sentences in a more concise manner. Doing this would definitely help your writing become a lot more bolder and straightforward. This is a critical trait when you are writing because it improves peoples' perception of the text.Take a look at your first paragraph or sentence. It could have been phrased with a lot less detail to appear more like what a thesis statement should.

The latter portions of your text appear to subtly be informal. Evade this because it can impact the flow of your writing. What I suggest is that you focus on using more meaningful words that are appropriate for this standard of writing. Having randomized articulations within parenthesis certainly do not help you progress further.

Scholarship / Study plan for bachelor's degree course (KGSP GKS 2020) [3]

@alyssa2036
Hi there. Thanks for being a continuous supporter of the site! I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for you in the long-run. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more. Again, thanks for being here again!

Firstly, I think that the structure and organization of your essay are both extremely well-done. You were quite straightforward which made it truthfully easier to digest the technical portion of your essay. This is essential when you are working with such varied content.

My only concerns would be for the second (and a few other succeeding ones) paragraph. While the initial sentences of this paragraph are quite alright, the other portions appear to be quite stretched out. Regardless of the fact that it was great that you were able to integrate your own thoughts and opinions midway, it would have been better if you could have balanced out your writing a tad bit more. Talking about the motivation that you have midway into the paragraph appears to have cluttered the text. What I suggest is trying to tackle this (if you truly want to do so) in an isolated part of the text. You may also omit it because it's an unnecessary portion of your writing.

It's great that you were able to integrate really time-specific goals. This will help boost your chances tenfold, considering it shows your utter dedication for the program.

Writing Feedback / Nomination essay (As a language enthusiast) // preservation of Language [3]

@heyhehe
Welcome to the forum! Wishing you the best of luck in your writing endeavors. I hope this feedback sheds light on your writing!

The first paragraph is stunning to read. I find that the manner in which you had composed the writing had flown and crept into the writing perfectly. The straightforward and yet clear approach works truthfully well here.

I can observe a few minor lapses and/or issues in the second paragraph. Because of the lack of pauses, the structure appears to be a cluster of run-on sentences rather than a properly organized written work. I would suggest to shorten the sentences' length alongside taking your thoughts piece-by-piece rather than as a chunk. Minimizing these blocks of sentences go a long way.

Try to always ensure that you have appropriate punctuation, capitalization, and spacing throughout. Notably, it seems as though the further you have gone into the text (ie. the last half of your essay), the more that your formalities go astray. It surely wouldn't hurt to enhance your writing by being more straightforward with your content as much as possible. This will help you nurture your work a lot more.

You mentioned that you've struggled with composing the concluding paragraph. I think that the last paragraph you have already has potential. Try to talk more about the long-term goals that you are reaching into; and then, you may delve into a more specific approach and cap your writing with this.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - What to do if the teacher of meeting leader says something incorrect [2]

@yui meow
Here to provide feedback for this essay. Let's take a look at what you have as of the moment.

To answer first your introductory question, it would be both a yes and a no. While big words are inessential and do not add an explicit value, they showcase a bold attitude towards writing. The reception of this boldness would depend upon your intent of writing. If you want to seemingly appear more professional, big words can be beneficial. I would only be cautious of overdoing it, causing the writing to perhaps be construed in the process.

Generally, your writing needs a bit more work when it comes to compartmentalizing information. If you take a look at your first paragraph, you need to add more pauses and periods. This would be in opposition to using commas as transitions. While commas are alright, they sometimes disrupt your writing, making your essay appear as though you are unaware of run-on sentences. Be cautious of this.

The succeeding paragraphs did get better still. You had a few mistakes regarding simplification of messages, but the general look of your writing is well-done. I suggest only making the length of your sentences more concise to fit the content a bit better.

Writing Feedback / Teaching job - time in your life when you had difficulty making an important decision. CBEST [3]

@Adam_zain
Hey, dear. Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you. Before I proceed with the feedback, I would like to say good luck to your writing exam!

Firstly, be cautious of the tenses of the composition of your words. This should as well include the usage of punctuation and appropriate words to encapsulate your text. Make sure that you are abiding by the minimum requirements to have a clearer approach towards writing. Take a look at your immediate introductory paragraph. You should have placed a comma (at least) before the word we because of the manner of your composition.

Furthermore, try to evade being repetitive in your language. Notice how there's no drastic difference between the last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second one. While these are small differences, it certainly pays off in terms of maximizing the space that you have.

Furthermore, try to merge thoughts that are similar with each other to avoid being unnecessary content-wise. For instance, the paragraphs that sandwich your writing about teaching could both be merged into one singular chunk of text as your concluding remarks. Prioritizing is key here.

Undergraduate / Write about a person who has made a meaningful impact on you. Hasan Minhaj. [2]

@quavius
Hey there. I'll be providing you with feedback on this essay - no worries! I hope that you somehow find this beneficial.

The introduction of the essay is impressive for me! Keep this up. If you are working within a word count (as you've not disclosed this information in your text), it would be better to compartmentalize the two paragraphs into one. Doing this will certainly help you have a shorter chunk of text without sacrificing the quality of the essay itself. You could have omitted the last sentence(s) of the first paragraph and merged the first parts of the second one. Doing this would also push you to prioritize information.

I'm curious to see how you will proceed with writing this. Don't hesitate to come to the forum again should you have more questions on writing this particular essay. I wish you luck!

Grammar, Usage / Charles Dickens' lengthy complex sentence [2]

@charlesthefirst
Welcome here! If you appreciate and enjoy the forum, don't hesitate to continuously come back.

To answer the first question, you are correct with that interpretation of the semicolon. Breaking the sentence into three separate ones certainly will not affect the meaning of the sentence. Rather, the purpose of having a semi-colon in replacement to other is that it paves way for a more fluid and arguably academic approach to writing. If you had placed a regular punctuation, it would be insufficient in showing an at least semi-decent grasp of the language. You are also correct that it is often utilized for emphasis purposes.

If you had separated the sentence into three ones instead of interconnecting them, the impact would certainly be different. Arguably, one can say that semi-colons offer a smoother tone to the written work. This warrants it to be more appropriate for creative (not necessarily purely academic) endeavors.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Insight Question #2: Every person has a creative side... [3]

@ashymustard
Welcome! We can work through this one. Hopefully, this feedback gives you insight on your writing.

Firstly, I'd like to mention that you are doing an incredible job with this. The writing was fluid, enabling the readers to comprehend better the structure of your writing. You also had a no-fuss approach to essay writing. This makes it easier for the readers to digest whatever you are reading.

The first paragraph is decent already. You can retain this portion. What I do suggest, however, is making a more concise approach to the second chunk of the text (or, at least, the middle portion of the text). While it was great that you had these chunks of text altogether, it would not be beneficial for you to have unnecessary repetitions, especially because you are working with a small word count. Because of these limitations to your word count, I would recommend focusing more adding more critical information rather than over explaining.

While I think that the lack of proper construction of structured paragraphs was primarily due to the creative outburst that you had, you should still attempt to piece together everything with as much concreteness as possible. Doing this would help the readers focus more on the content rather than on the manner that you had written the text.

Undergraduate / Efficiency of human with respect to social class (Common app essay) [2]

@Browny
Welcome, Browny! I hope you have been lurking around and enjoying what we offer in this site. If you have additional queries, don't be afraid to reach out to us for more information. This will certainly be of help to the community!

Firstly, I would opt that you try to structure your first paragraph (even the succeeding ones) with more structure and definition throughout. I have noticed how the first portion of the text lacks that ease of writing. While it is generally alright for informal content (such as what I am doing) to have commentaries enclosed in parenthesis, it would be deemed as inappropriate and informal for essays such as this. Bear this in mind at all costs.

Now, having said that, the latter portion of the text lacks fervor and being tied to reality. Use more real-world examples and sprinkle them throughout. This will certainly stretch your writing to appear a lot more formalized throughout. For instance, in your third and fourth paragraph, try to merge all of these thoughts from your personal life and create a more insightful and yet concise written account on how this has affected you.

Precision is key when writing. Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Studying abroad - My personal Statement for Apply GKS [4]

@Mulya Hadi 99
Welcome here! I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you.

Firstly, it would be great if you had provided us (in the forum) with brief information about you to help us analyze this essay in a more realistic light. Bear in mind that, while this is not necessary, it certainly goes a long way in helping readers fully understand your writing.

Add more flair to your writing. This may not necessarily come in the form of having a less structured writing - rather, it should come off as you are story-telling. This is one of the best ways for you to introduce yourself in these types of essays without making it appear as though you are merely bragging to the evaluators. Rather, show your passion by telling them how this has been a lifelong dream that you have held within throughout time. This will give them a better idea as to why you deserve a spot.

Furthermore, aside from mentioning that the scholarship is a financial necessity for you, it would be beneficial if you can incorporate other details that are critical. For example, answer the question: "how will I be a benefit to the program in the future?" Having these guidelines to follow would show them that you are seriously in it for the academic benefit, not just for the allure that staying in the country offers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task - Essay about "Environmental problems... who should take care of it?" [5]

@jacgomes
Welcome to the forum, dear. I hope this feedback serves you well in your IELTS. You can always come back for more if you are interested in more input on your writing!

I suggest to keep the introductory sentence smooth and concise. Bear in mind that it is critical that you have a graduated approach to writing, especially when you are introducing new terminologies and topics to your readers. The first sentence should not be lengthy - rather, it should be straightforward and clear in its delivery.

Aside from this, the second paragraph needs more grounding in reality. While there was nothing inherently wrong with your writing here, a huge cluster of the text did not have proper examples to back it up. I would recommend that you fix this through incorporating more value into your writing. Use examples that are specific to a situation, location, or context. The more that you can describe your example in detail as if it played out in the real-world, the better it is for your writing.

Research Papers / IGNORANCE OF THE LAW EXCUSES NO ONE: AN OFFICIAL EXPOSE [2]

@REXLEGISSTANLEY
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback serves you well in the future. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us.

It would be interesting to firstly hear a background as to the direction or the context of this essay to give us a briefing of how to assess it. Nonetheless, I hope that this serves you positively as you are writing!

I have observed numerous inconsistencies when it comes to your writing, particularly when it comes to your usage of referencing materials. Firstly, try to have appropriate punctuation and abide by the typical punctuation remarks that are required of you. Secondly, while it is generally alright, evade the usage of multiple references in one huge block of text. Doing this often causes confusion among your writing, causing the readers to not fully comprehend the level of dedication that you have for your writing.

Furthermore, as you delve deeper into your writing, having too many excess phrases or lines that do not directly contribute to the message that you're building can be troublesome for your work. Evade this as much as possible. If you take a look at your fourth paragraph, you'll notice that the first sentences are all apparently structured this way. Opt out of this, especially if you can instead write with more ease through being more specific.

Writing Feedback / Is the space exploring just money and energy waste? [3]

@jocelyne001
Welcome back. Hope that any prior feedback that you've received has been beneficial for you. Let me provide you with input on this new essay to help you improve your writing.

Firstly, ensure that you are compliant of the fundamental requirements that are necessary when writing. This includes, for instance, keeping up with appropriate punctuation marks to have better grasp of the language. If you are able to do this, you should have a more structured and put-together written work. For example, take a glance at your first paragraph's second sentence. The word whereas often needs a comma prior to its insertion to create a pause in between. Doing small leaps such as this would go a long way.

I find that while the a great chunk of your essay (ie. the body paragraphs) was sufficient, you needed to have a better approach towards writing the concluding remarks. The concluding remarks lacks a majority of its rationale to expound on your final idea. Try to cut out portions of the second paragraph to balance and dedicate the space for here to ensure that you have a more synchronized writing.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Masters in Life Science KFUPM [3]

@kingzoly
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more input.

It would also be helpful if you can provide us with additional insight on the purpose of this written work. Doing this would truthfully help us understand how to appropriately assess your writing.

Generally speaking, your writing's structure, flow, and length is quite decent. It was great that you had quite a formatted way of composing and moving through the content. This makes it easier for the writers to determine how to follow your writing with a lot more ease.

Taking that into consideration, I would opt to suggest that you should try to make concise the wording of some particular portions of the essay. For instance, the first paragraph lacks a bit more specification. Instead of mentioning that you have "a very good knowledge"" of a particular thing, you should try to mention how and in what ways you are.

Bear in mind that merely mentioning vague details will not help you in the long-run as you need to showcase that you are concretely able to do so.

Scholarship / My passion in Politics and International Relations, GKS Personal Statement [3]

@ochanlebong7
Hey, I'm here to provide you with feedback on this written work. I hope that this is helpful in any way! Don't be afraid to reach us for more input.

First and foremost, the first paragraph needs a bit work because of how messy your thoughts and ideas here are. If you ought to introduce a brief background on your personal experiences with this situation, I suggest that you try to utilize a more straightforward approach by expounding on that. Your introduction of your personal interest to the field should be made separate from your introduction of why you have chosen the institution(s). This will give you a more organized approach to the topic.

Furthermore, I also suggest adding more organization and boundaries in the latter portions of your essay. While you had a general grasp of writing, I heavily recommend revising the way that you move between one idea to another. Bear in mind that it is critical for you to have a more intensive approach as this will determine the overall flow of your writing.

Formality and professionalism is critical. Do not jump between thought A and B without providing necessary logical links and accompaniments.

Scholarship / "a golden chance for me" - Idris leadership essay draft [3]

@idriseltayeb
Hello. Best of luck to your application in Chevening! As the number of applicants are swarming in, I hope that this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your chances.

Firstly, make certain that your writing is abiding with formalities. This includes (but is not limited to) appropriate punctuation, the correct capitalization, and the correct approach towards structuring your sentences. It is critical that you have a stronghold approach to writing in this extent. From the first paragraph, you already had lapses in formality. Check the way that you write your sentences and ensure that you are compliant with the fundamental minimum requirements. This will help the readers understand your text in a better light.

Furthermore, the second and third paragraph appears to be quite messy. While it was great that you were attempting to explain everything in this cluster, try to add more organization by being more explicit with your thesis statements and logically link together the details that are found in the latter portions.

Last two paragraphs can be integrated for a more comprehensive conclusive remark.

Scholarship / Study In UK Essay - Chevening chosen courses [3]

@azkaharia
Hey there! Good luck with your application for Chevening. I'll provide you with feedback on this work - and, hopefully, it can help you in your application process.

I appreciate the depth that you've introduced from the get-go in the first paragraph. Because you were able to institutionalize immediately your target goal for Chevening, it already ingrained to the readers that you have a particular focal point in mind. This gives you leverage in the process.

I would recommend being more specific in the latter paragraphs still. The second paragraph, in particular, was quite vague in terms of giving descriptions. While descriptors are generally acceptable, you should be cautious of ensuring that they cling well to the entirety of the text.

I also suggest that you still try to shorten some portions (ie. the last three paragraphs) to pave way for a more conclusive ending. You need to have a sharper approach to capping the entirety of the essay to ensure that you are delivering the message clearly that this is truly a part of your desires.

Letters / SOP/Motivation Letter for PhD in Environmental Economics [3]

@umedkejariwal
Hey, dear. Welcome to the forum. I'm here to provide you with insight on your essay. I hope this feedback somehow helps you in the long-run. Best of luck as well for your PhD application!

Firstly, are you certain with how you would like to introduce your writing? You have taken quite an informal approach, considering that you had started with giving an intensive inquiry that's quite generalized. While the events you have written about may seem to be personal to you, the output that you've produced appears to be a tad bit over-dramatized, taking into account that this is a PhD application.

I suggest focusing primarily on your research-oriented qualifications for the program. Remember that this is the core activity or value that institutions are seeking for in their candidates. I have noticed that while you provided someinformation about your background, you were still unable to truly expound your thoughts and opinions. Focus more on adding concrete details that are more quantifiable/qualitative. Doing this would certainly boost your chances a lot more.

Lastly, you need to merge the last three paragraphs into a more conclusive and concise one to produce a more reliable conclusion. Try to evade overly explaining in this portion as your goal here should be focused only on ensuring that they understand how passionate you are about the program - and how much you truly anticipate it.

Research Papers / Is reading at the age of 3 beneficial? A trend to push children to start reading early on. [2]

@tkeyhani
Hi, dear! Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing endeavors. If it is helpful, please don't hesitate to approach us for more information.

First and foremost, I find that the general introductory portion of your essay is quite put-together already. I recommend that you enhance this through ensuring that you have appropriate lengths throughout. It is generally recommended to stick with the four to six paragraph rule as this enables you to focus on prioritizing information (rather than dumping everything in one go, which does happen).

When you're using reference (ie. see your second paragraph), try to focus on expounding from it. Don't merely reiterate what's inside a reference. Rather, you should develop thoughts from it. I've noticed how you kept reiterating the source throughout this paragraph. Although this is alright, it would be great if you can go beyond merely repeating these details.

Balance the structure and composition of your writing a little bit more.

Scholarship / Sustainable development - How Network Shaping My Future - Chevening networking essay. [2]

@imhana
Hey there! Glad to see people who are returning to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful to you. Good luck as well in your application for Chevening!

A few things. Firstly, while the introductory paragraph gave quite a decent glimpse as to what people should anticipate while waiting, I find that you need to be able to utilize your writing in a more intensive manner. What this means is adding more spice and dynamism to your writing. You could have separated the first two sentences with the chunk of text after it as this portion is truly more of a hypothetical thing than anything else.

Be cautious as well of your usage of punctuation marks. Ensure that you're appropriately placing them as this can impact the entirety of your writing.

Your concluding paragraph also needs a bit more work. Consider that it is critical that you have a more manageable outlook in your writing. Be more organized when you are making your analysis as this can impact how your writing will be wrapped up and perceived/read by the evaluators.

Undergraduate / Common App, Singapore's Third-Culture Kid [2]

@ferna9624
Hello there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback serves you well in your application process.

In general, while your writing had no fundamentally dreadful mistakes, you had a few lapses in terms of your usage of punctuation and grammar. Take, for example, the first paragraph. You should have divided that cluster text in the introductory sentence into three different sentences to have a more comprehensible tone. Try to also be cautious of where you are placing your apostrophe.

The succeeding paragraphs were packed with information. The only concern I have would be the manner that you transition between your sentences. If you take a look at your second paragraph, for example, you lacked the general usage of transitions (ie. furthermore, moreover, etc.) - and this impedes on the professional look of your essay.

While the last paragraph was excellent in encapsulating your feelings, you should have capped the writing with a little bit more formality, considering this can affect the overall look of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Citadelle Laferrière - a trip or vacation to a place that influenced you some way [3]

@plway2006
Hey, dear! Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback serves you well. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more inquiry on your writing.

First and foremost, it would be better if you could provide us with background information on you personally and the purpose of the paper. This will certainly help us assess the writing in a rationale light, considering that we would be able to tell what the genuine purpose of the written work is.

Proceeding to the entirety of the text, I think that the general format of your writing is already put-together. You had a decent grasp of the language, making it easier to decipher a good chunk of the text that you have. I would only suggest that you try to apply more dynamism to the structure of your essay. Consider your first paragraph. While the general outlook was great, it would be better if you could have added more of a natural tone in writing. Mix your lengths. Add more descriptors throughout.

Always ensure that you have appropriate pauses and divisions between your sentences. If you take a look at your second paragraph, you had quite a lengthy chunk of sentence tossed into it. I would opt that you deal with a smaller pacing to ensure that you do not go behind in the overall professional tone of the writing.

Also, be cautious of the way in which you transition between your sentences. Remember that it is critical that you have a more enhanced outlook in your writing by having a more logical approach to writing. (Observe, for instance, your last concluding paragraph.)

Book Reports / Argumentative Literary Analysis Essay - How much of what happens in our lives do we actually control [3]

@rachelmaddiee
Hey, dear! Welcome! I hope you find this feedback to be beneficial for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, the first paragraph needs a bit more work. Take a look at how the composition was set-up. It was quite scattered in terms of its overall content. Notice how you had jumped from one concept to another without a clear direction. Bear in mind that the fundamental structure had been implemented for a reason. The first sentence had quite a lot of run-on sentences, making your content appear to be quite messier than it probably is.

Try to also make concise and strategic your usage of references. Remember that it's quite excessive to put two references side-by-side each other in the long-run. This will truly affect the overall flow of your writing. Bear this in mind.

Writing Feedback / Evolution - New technologies have changed the way children use their recreational activities. [2]

@Bich Ngoc 9898
Hello there. Welcome to the forum! I hope you find the feedback you find here to be helpful for your writing endeavors in the long-run. If you have any follow-up questions, don't hesitate to approach us for more.

First and foremost, I already appreciate the introductory paragraph of your essay. I find that your straightforward and yet creative approach to writing will bring you to places. Keep this up!

In hindsight, I only suggest that you try to incorporate more concrete examples in your essay. It would be more beneficial if you would be able to expound more your thoughts through having real-world details incorporated throughout.

Having said that, I also think that you need to work on adding more details to your concluding remarks. Notice how imbalanced your writing appears to be. The third paragraph needs to be trimmed down for you to have more space in the initial parts of your essay. Doing this would certainly go a long way for your writing.

Graduate / Physical therapy - DESCRIBE A MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCE IN YOUR LIFE. [2]

@chuckmane
Hello! Welcome to the forum. I hope that you appreciate the feedback that you're bound to receive here. If you do, please do not hesitate to approach us for a more detailed input.

Having said that, I'll be providing you with my input on your essay. On a fundamental level, there's nothing generally wrong about your writing. Considering that you had quite a grasp of grammar and the appropriate punctuation to be utilized, it would be better if you could have shortened the overall length of your paragraphs. While there is nothing wrong about having lengthy paragraphs, it can impede the direction of growth of your essay. I recommend that you shorten it for the purpose of having a more structured and concise approach to writing.

Furthermore, while it was great that you had incorporated so many details from the time that you were younger, it would have been better if you could have utilized this space to write with more ease. Try to focus more on critical details and the picture as a whole rather than adding so many unnecessary information throughout.

Scholarship / An essay on the leadership role in the journey of my life [2]

@nvkirankumar
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback serves you well in the future.

Before anything, you should note that including the reason as to why you are writing would truly help us assess your writing in a better light. Give a brief background as to the purpose of this content to help us in the future.

Firstly, formalizing your essay would go a long way. Bear in mind that it'll be truly helpful for the readers if you can standardize your writing a little bit more. For instance, take a look at the formatting that you have in your first paragraph. While it was great that you were able to integrate a lot of detail into the written accounts, it would have been better and cleaner if you had used punctuation throughout and essential pauses. Evade repetitions that are unnecessary and only clog your content.

Furthermore, try to also be more specific when you are expounding. For instance, mention how specifically those skills that you've listed in the third paragraph translate to reality. Be more concrete when you are explaining. This goes a long way when you are writing with so much chunk of information.

Graduate / Civil Engineering Statement of Purpose (King Fahd University of Petroleum and Minerals) [2]

@Alao0702
Hi there. Thanks for your continuous patronizing! I hope that all of the feedback you've received so far has been beneficial for your writing endeavors.

Like what I consistently mention to people, there are two important facets to bear in mind when you are writing these types of essays: precision and showcase of passion for the field.

For the first portion, I find that you need to focus more on quantifying your qualifications. While it was great that you had placed a lot of descriptors and adjectives for certain portions to be considered, you have to try and balance your writing with more precision. Try to focus on truly detailing your qualifications. This is critical as it will further dictate how your writing will be perceived in the long-run.

In the latter portions, I suggest that you try to keep your passionate side in a more compartmentalized and organized manner. Leave all of the dramatization of your passion for the field for the conclusive remarks. Try to explain first your credentials for the field before proceeding to explaining any other detail.

Undergraduate / Volunteer - description of your professional background and current work, including accomplishment [3]

@izahnelson13
Hey, dear. Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you.

First and foremost, always be cautious of your usage of punctuation throughout your writing. It is critical that you do not have run-on sentences. One method that I can suggest would be the shortening of your sentences. Making more concise sentences can lead you to have simpler structures, omitting the possibility that you would be unable to place appropriate marks throughout. I recommend implementing this strategy on the first paragraph of your sentence.

You may merge the second and third sentence for a more organized writing approach. While it's alright to have these stand-alone sentences instead of a full-blown paragraph, you should bear in mind that these are often isolated to instances wherein the content would be for flair purposes. If the bulk of the content of the sentence is directed towards relaying relevant information, better merge it into a proper paragraph with similar content.

The concluding remark should be limited to not introducing new information, but rather should be about incorporating your own thoughts and opinions. This portion should be full of passion for what you are applying for in a humble manner.

Scholarship / The youth and immorality. I am writing an essay for Chevening Scholarship. [2]

@BrianBrown984
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback serves you well in the future. I wish you luck in your application for Chevening as well!

First and foremost, I would suggest that you opt for a more formalized approach to the introduction paragraph. While it was great that you were approaching the situation with a heads-on approach, it would have been better if you could have utilized this space to introduce fundamental details in the text that are critical for establishing your essay as well.

Now, having said that, the next parts of the essay also lacked in structure and organization. I would suggest that you try to minimize the usage of complex sentences to evade the misuse of spacing and marks. Try to be cautious of the punctuation throughout. Take, for instance, the last paragraph. Adding too many chunks of text without necessarily having a stable structure impedes the overall growth that you have.