Scholarship / Scholarship application essay for a Masters in Global Health Sc and Epidemiology [3]

There are only a few aspects of this essay that relate to an SOP. The retainable parts are :
- Paragraph 1
- Paragraph 2
- Paragraph 4
- Paragraph 7

These paragraphs, when combined will make for a better draft SOP. Discussions may be expanded from there. Avoid the PHD reference at this point. The purpose must be career oriented witha touch of social conciousness. The reasons for the university choice are empty.There is no substance to the decision based on the learning needs of the applicant. The university reference sounds as if an amusement park were being described rather than a learning institution.

Writing Feedback / Internet has brought people closer together while others think people are becoming more isolated [2]

The writer should not be arguing in this essay as the writing instruction is only asking for an opinion. The difference between the two words is what will set the response accuracy score:

Argue - verb, to present reasons for or against a thing:
Opinion - noun, a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

Do not argue when one is not asked to do so in the instruction. That is a change in discussion direction that will garner a failing TA score.

The essay does not have a clear personal opinion presented. A task 2 essay will lose points for presenting a non-defined personal opinion in the closing summary. That will be due to an incorrect response presentation format and lack of explanation development in relation to the personal opinion.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS 1] The graphs show the differences between enrolments of overseas students and local students [3]

The summary of information is incomplete as it does not offer :
- proper graph type identification
- Measurement years indicator
- Type of measurement used

There is a missing analysis paragraph for the second image in relation to the incoming and graduating students. The presentation should have presented that as a 4th paragraph.

It appears that the miter failed to properly review the given images. The writer was in a rush to complete the essay on only the most basic level. Not understanding that a deeper analysis would have increased the C + C score for the essay. In fact, having written such a short essay of only 156 words severely limits the score for this essay. A lengthier version of 175 words would have been better for the final score.

Writing Feedback / Entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money for their job [2]

The writer has several spelling (e.g. develelopment= development) and word reference (e.g. with a nation = within a nation) errors in the essay. These show that the writer was not concerned about the quality of the work. There was no effortto submit a high quality piece of writing in relation to scoring as the writer made no effort to proofread, edit, and correct the errors. The essay will have deductions due tothe carelessness of the with when it comes to the final presentation The writer opted to submit a draft for scoring and will get the results such half-baked work deserves.

The reference to a survey is another mistake as a survey is related to researched information. This reference runs counter to the requirement of info being based on personal experience or knowledge, and publicly known information. These elements do not require reference to researched data.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Individual sports or team sports is more beneficial? Discuss and give your opinions [2]

The prompt restatement is good but lacking one representative discussion. The writer should not have used a general reference point for the personal opinion as that was a required opinion presentation in the paragraph. The presentation compliance in that section could have been clearer.

There are too many reasons presented per paragraph. not all the reasons are clearly and completely developed though. That happens because of the brief second reasons in each paragraph. If there isn't enough room to fully explain the second reason, then do not present it. A better score is applied to a single full reason rather than 2 unevenly explained reasons.

The writer is explaining all of the opinions from a personal point of view. This is an incorrect format presentation as the validity explanation from a public perspective (They, other) disappears. The personal opinion is always presented as a 3rd paragraph or, as a part of the opposition /support statement at the end of the public opinion explanation.

The statement of recommendation is notgoing to help this essay because it is not a suggested discussion topic in the original. Always discuss per requirements only.

Writing Feedback / Driving to shop in large urban malls instead of driving to small town-center retailers [2]

The essay will automatically receive a failing score because of 2 reasons:
- Prompt deviation
- Response is unrelated to the task

This is a 5 paragraph essay that should have provided 3 paragraph explanations based on 3 provided questions:
- What is the advantage of shopping in a shopping center?
- What is the advantage of shopping in a local market?
- What is your preference?

The author clearly wrote a response that does not apply to the provided oqquestions. Therefore, this essay was an exercise in futility. It was marked to fail the minute the essay responded with:


The clear misunderstanding of the writing requirement and how to respond to it shows the degree by which the writer does not understand the English language.

Writing Feedback / People tend to work and study from home due to the advancements of computer technology [2]

The writer did a very strong representation of the discussion topics. The clear - that created the discussion outline was truly on point. The problem of the writing lies in the error in relation to the evidence of support for the opinion. The examiner will disregard the first paragraph based on the support for the opposing opinion. As a single opinion discussion, the focus is on 2 reasons supporting the given opinion. There is no comparative instruction so the need to support both sides is not required.

The exam taker will then be scored on the basis of an under developed opinion reason. No score will be given for the irrelevant paragraph. I supporting paragraphs are the standard reasoning paragraph requirement for the prompt. There is a strong possibility the essay will not get a passing score because of this.

Writing Feedback / Essay about Space exploration and arguments about it [2]

The first sentence of the just sentence is nothing more than an excercise in incorrect vocabulary usage and, incoherent thought presentation. That introduction just rambled on as a run-on, without actually establishing any content in the paragraph. The question response is also out of format as it is not an extent response as instructed. The essay will fail based on TA deductions alone.

The author is challenging an unspecified school of thought rather than offering a degree of disagreement. This is a prompt change from the original that will be given a failed score as it does not respond to the question as required. The overall response to the essay shows an overabundance of English vocabulary but a lack of writing instruction understanding. The length and content of the discussion becomes irrelevant at that point. The essay has already failed.

Graduate / Statement of purpose for Data science course - graduate application [2]

The overall essay is not meant as a statement of purpose. This writing, showing the development of the student's interest is suitable as d personal statement, which requires such information. A statement of purpose relates several topics in its presentation:

- Professional reason for advanced education in relation to professional considerations
- Summary of college education
- Thesis project and other evidence of research abilities related to the current occupation and masters course choice
- Work experience covering 2 years relevant experience in relation to the masters course (If applying to a work-experience required masters course)
- Applicability of the masters course to the student's purpose
- Reason for university choice considering the students required theoretical and practical training
- 5 year career plan after graduating
- Any other information as required by the university (optional)

While there is a mention of a college education and reasons for university choice, it does not present itself in a manner connected to the professional purpose.

The statement of purpose requirements above will more than help you represent what you plan to do with such a degree. The 5 year career plan relates to this question. The list of info I provided will help set up the response to that query.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - youngsters are devoting too much time to keep up with the latest fashion trends [2]

This essay does not accurately follow the prompt requirements as the student obviously changed the writing direction to one of his own choosing. The writer fails to address a single opinion choice as indicated. The essay is not to be written from a comparative standpoint but from a singular opinion instead. When the word "or" is included in a sentence, it offers the writer an option, either the first or second choice. There is no option to support both.

By definition:

Or - conjunction, used to connect words, phrases, or clauses representing alternatives. Ex. Is this a positive or negative development?

Based on the definition and word usage, there is no room to choose both as a supportfor an alternative discussion is required in the presentation. The writing does not meet presentation requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2_HISTORY OF A HOUSE THAT PEOPLE LIVE IN [3]

A 460 word essay cannot be written within a 40 minute time frame. The essay is overwritten and misuses English vocabulary quite often. An error often found in wordy essays. A failing essay always stems from an over-discussion. Writers who focus on producing long essays are only concerned with their vocabulary score. Not the LR, C + C, or GRA passing considerations. This essay is one of those essay types.

LR issues abound throughout the article that it would be impossible for me to pick all of these out for correction. I will however, point one out. A department is a section in a workplace. An apartment is a rented dwelling. In terms of GRA errors, one of the areas you should review in writing rules would be the way of writing plural words (people is already the plural of the same word. ) The writer does not consider word usage accuracy/ applicability in his writing.

The writer shows a clear understanding of the topic and writing guidelines. Sadly, his over-eagerness to show off his vocabulary skills made the essay recieve deductions over- all. This is too bad because a 300 word essay, targeting all the scoring criteria would have gotten him an excellent, if more than simply passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Opinion Essay (job gratification vs. job security) [3]

The essay shows that the writer misunderstood the writing requirement for the topic. While the reasoning presented is somewhat on point, the writing presentation does not meet the prompt discussion requirement of discussing then topics based on the public opinion first. The writer has completed the essay solely froma solid personal point of view only. The score of the essay will only be useful to one of the 3 required writing paragraphs.

The lack of 2 public opinion explanation prevents the full scoring consideration for this essay. The personal opinion should have been based on a comparative discussion of the 2 public supporting reasons. There are no right or wrong opinions here. Only an analytical support for a side that the writer believes is more aligned with his beliefs. That cannot be accurately presented unless a clear understanding of the public reasons is delivered first.

Writing Feedback / Information about the percentage of four groups in the total population of New Zealand [4]

There are several types of graphs involved in this writing test. A graph is a general reference to the image, which does not accurately inform the reader. A graph can never be mistaken for a live graph unless it is properly identified as such. The information sauce for the 4 age groups should also be listed in the summary for overview accuracy. The writer must not create only a partially accurate listing with a refference to "the other 2 groups". Completely listed information sources adds to the summary accuracy. The analysis could be more complete. 2 sentence presentations means the writer is reporting on easily seen data and skipping the deeper analysis pertaining to information equivalency in the graph.

Writing Feedback / Starvation still occurs in some of the countries around the world. Why and solutions. [2]

The prompt restatement retains too much of the original discussion keywords for it to be considered the c interpretation of the miter. This indicates an inability to interpret English thoughts coming from other people. It is a negative representation of the writer's abilities in terms of English synonym knowledge. The lack of direct response to the questions provided is also a problem as it fails to lay the foundation for the writers opinion in both discussion scenarios. There is no opinion or point of well provided which weakens the expected task response.

The first reasoning paragraph is too vague, since there are no countries mentioned in the original prompt " these countries" does not make a direct reference to countit's for the discussion basis. A specific mention of say, the writeris country and the high prices of food there would have been a score increasing reference. That is due to the personal experience and knowledge requirement of the information presentation. Preciseness in writing is scored, vagueness is not.

The solutions paragraph should not only list solution ideas. These ideas should be properly explained and supported. The paragraph lacks these developments because the writer chose to just mention solutions without really explaining how it can benefit the people. I solution presentations with proper discussion development would have worked better. Again,vague writing did not benefit the writing score. Further lowering the possibility of a passing grade.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2 Essay about main purpose of school and university [3]

The prompt restatement is good. There is a good transition presentation from one opinion to the next that keeps the ideas connected, yet seperate just the same. The problem is in the discussion representation. Yes, it represented the both views discussion but, it created an argument as opposed to the personal opinion of the writer. The latter being the actual prompt discussion instruction.

The general discussion representation lacks the use of 3rd person group pronouns representative of the point of view being discussed. Thus offering the idea that the writer disobeyed the instructions by writing based on personal insight alone. In fact both discussions reflect the personal sentiment of the writer rather than explanations as to why there are differing points of view. This essay doesn't represent the discussions properly.

I am afraid that the promise the winter showed in the topic estatement was lost when it came to the actual discussion format. This presentation will not work to the benefit of the student in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Some people prefer to help or support directly in the local community for people who need it. [2]

There are 2 methods of charitable help identified in the original statement. Yet, only 1 method is identified in the restatement, causing a topic presentation inaccuracy . This directly affects the task requirement in this presentation. A discussion of both sides, based on public opinion cannot be completed if only one public opinion is presented prior to the writer's personal opinion.

Remember that the writer cannot be selective about the writing instruction. Follow the discussion instruction to the letter. Do not skip, alter, or be selective about it. For this essay, the instruction is discuss both public views individually, then offer a personal opinion. The discussion covers 3 paragraphs covering an explanation of the validity of 1 public reasons and the presentation of a personal point of meal based on a clear support of one of the 2 public beliefs.

The essay mainly uses first person singular pronouns in the essay. The suggest pronoun use is actually third person group references for the 2 public opinions and first person singular for the personal opinion. There are 2 discussion views for this comparative essay : group (some people, others) , and singular ( your opinion). Based on the discussion representation in the original prompt, it is safe to say that this discussion is response format inaccurate, among other things.

Writing Feedback / Information about changes in the birth and death rates in New Zealand (in the period of 200 years) [2]

Using the phrase "given graph" is still not very much changed from the original " the graph below". It is still close enough to a memorized phierse. This is the last time I will remind you about image identifiers and its importance in these task 1 presentations. Perhaps you do not believe me or, you don't take my advice seriously.

i won't waste my time trying to guide you since you obviously don't care about my observations and advice for improvement. Perhaps you have another teacher which is why you could care less about my opinion. Please, stop wasting my time and ask your real teacher whose advice you believe in more, to assess your essays. I don't have the time to waste on you.

This is a continously evolving graph. That means the reference timeline phrase is "continuing timelines of 1901 to 2101" as representative to the past, present, and projected information. The correct timeline reference provides an easily understood and relevant discussion point.


This is a future prediction that should include the auxiliary verb "will" in it to indicate the correct timeline flow.

The rest of the essay basically has the same problems I have referenced and tried to offer you corrections on in the past. These repeated errors are frustrating for me as the consultant as I perceive you to be either choosing not to apply the corrections for your own improvement, because it runs counter to the teachings of your other tutor or, you just don't care about the quality of your work. In the case of you having another tutor, I will not be able to help you due to our different teaching styles. It would be in your best interest to not have 2 writing advisers so you don't confuse yourself in relation to developing your own writing style.

Undergraduate / Life in Poverty - Personal statement for BBA GKS. [2]

There is too much focus on the family background and parental information. The essay limits its personal motivation in tums of personal ambition because of there improper focus points. These explanations fail to provide relevant and appropriate motivation reasons for wishing to study in Korea. Since this is for an undergraduate application under the GKS program, this presentation is also incomplete. That is perhaps why the motivation does not read as a complete and relevant presentation.

This type of essay can only be properly reviewed and/or edited when it is completely drafted already. Right now, the essay in relation to motivations with which the student applies to the program needs to be revised, lbased on a completed essay that can be properly assessed based on prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / People try new dangerous sports such as sky-diving or rock climbing. Should such sports be banned? [4]

The essay does not meet the 250 minimum word requirement. By writing only 244 words, the essay will be given percentage deductions based on the TA basic word count requirement. The preliminary score is already a failing one.

The response basis needs to mention an opposition to having the dare-devil sports banned in favour of regulation first then proceed to the reasoning basis of the upcoming discussion. This is to ensure that the essay will meet the opinion clarity requirement of the restatement + opinion paragraph.

The first reasoning paragraph does not clearly relate to reasons why the dare-devil activities should be government regulated. It does not connect in a proper manner to the discussion question and required response. The second paragraph is more relevant and actually offered an opportunity for reasoning expansion in the 2nd paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - can prison solve crimes? Crime & education. [3]

I will not contradict the observation of a fellow educational consultant as we have a policy against that at this forum. What I can do is offer you a response based upon how my students learn to approach this type of discussion from me. Setting aside previous advice, I will offer a review of this presentation. I must warn you though that I normally do not advise students who are already handled by other teachers and consultants as a sign of professionaI respect and to avoid confusing the student's writing style as already taught by his educator. Consider our interaction a one time deal since you are already handled by someone else.

I believe that the discussion basis of the essay is:


This is foundation of the discussion. The writer is then asked to consider another side of the discussion based on a different opinion:


It is this topic that the discussion requirement refers to as an alternative to the foundational belief/ opinion. This is the sole discussion target of:


The writer is given a discussion basis (imprisonment for crimes) and an alternative consideration (education to prevent crime). The imprisonment discussion is not up for debate. That is a given fact. It is the effectivity of education as a crime prevention tool that is in question. This is the point you must either strongly support or not support, using 2 paragraphs of proper defense reasons for your opinion. You need to directly tell the reader the strength of your opinion on education in relation to crime prevention ( I strongly / partially agree / disagree) based on the strength of your reason ( it has limited... ). There is no reference to " discuss both views" so a comparison presentation would be out of place as it will not allow you to clearly respond to the discussion question, which is based on a single opinion of support or non-support for the "However" statement.

You were judged illogical and lacking in explanations and examples because you opted to take a short cut by using your 2 opposing reasons in one paragraph rather than separating the reasoning justifications by spreading it out (one topic each) over 2 paragraphs. 2 related but seperate discussion presentations will create coherent and cohesive (related) paragraph discussions. The analysis you presented in the 3rd paragraph was never a part of the discussion requirements and need not be included in the discussion paragraphs.

The provided essay really had potential. It just wasn't properly discussed using the appropriate format.

Again, this is only my analysis and opinion of your work. I certainly do not mean to add to your confusion. I can only hope that my explanation helps you understand the writing task. As a reminder, this is how I teach my students to write with a focus on clarity. I do not mean to change your writing style as you have been previously taught.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1: Causes of worldwide land degradation (over-grazing, deforestation, over-cultivation) [2]

The writer has an incomplete image identification in the sense that the table chart was acknowledged merely as "the other chart" which is an incorrect image reference. Differentation is important due to the differing analysis and comparison reporting that is to follow the information summary. It created a partially accurate data representation in the paragraph.

There is an inconsistent reference to the actual measurements in the image. such non-use of the shared information lessened the report clarity per paragraph. The discussion for the table information totally avoided numerical references which made that report uninformative and confusing to the reader.

The writer must make more of an effort to prove his analytical and comparative skills in this presentation. The presentation can be considered only halfway complete at this point. It is nothing more than a cdraft that cannotbe scored accurately as more editing and writing has to be done to complete the presentation.

Writing Feedback / "The Internet will never replace traditional course books in schools." How far do you agree on this? [2]

There is an over writing on the part of the writer who has focused not on the clarity of his essay message, but on verbiage instead. The writing is therefore too wordy to make immediate sense to the examiner and, also indicates that there was no time limit placed during the development of the essay. This type of verbose writing cannot be complete within the 40 minute time allowance. The essay is more confusing rather than informative, over-presented in a confusing manner, rather than clearly discussed by the essayist.

As the essay is to be completed only within 4 paragraphs, it appears that the writer is either self studying and unfamiliar with the rules because of this or, the writer chooses to disregard the writing requirements for the essay. The rules for a task 2 essay are simple: convince the examiner that your opinion is valid, using clear reasons and examples, within 3-5 sentences, over 4 paragraphs. This is just a simple opinion discussion and should not be presented as if the author were delivering an oration.

To further complicate matters, the student did not consider the relevance of word usage when opting to open a dictionary and use impressive sounding words. Advanced English word usage is one thing. Advanced English word usage in the wrong context is another. It is an error that leads to a failing LR, C+C, and GRA score. That, is exactly what happened with this presentation. It failed due to the lack of focus on simple clarity and word usage, which is the formula for a passing essay presentation.

Long essays are more often than not, failing essays. This essay is a perfect example of that. From task accuracy, all the way to grammar range and accuracy, this presentation is riddled with errors that, when collectively scored, will result in a failed attempt at esssay writing.

Writing Feedback / The charts illustrate the surveying results of adult schooling. UC prompt [2]

Both images need to be properly identified in the summary paragraph. The first image was properly identified while the second image only had a general reference, which was not even descriptive so, it is useless to the clarity of the summary paragraph. Just like all the other images provided for this task, there are specific image names for each measurement type. The clear identification of the image helps the reader better understand the discussion basis, even when an image is not provided.

The information presented is a series of run-on sentences which limits the analysis and comparison discussion of the data. There is not enough measurement between images mentioned to prove that the writer actually studied and compared the images. A full analysis and accurate report is not completed in only 2 sentences. That is just a draft. The best scoring essay for this task uses 3-5 sentences. No short-cuts. short reports mean limited scoring as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: Problem and Solution: ATTENTION IN CLASS [5]

When 2 direct questions are provided in the original prompt, the writer is expected to give topic related responses to the questions. The topic response outlines the 2 paragraph topic basis for the reasoning discussion. Such a presentation is required in that section to help show the writer's flow of thought and clear thinking / opinion as required in the scoring criteria.

The student clearly knows what should be said in the essay but is not familiar enough with the English vocabulary to use the right words. The reference to consumption is improper as phone apps are not consumed but rather, used by a person which can lead to distraction. Such errors will affect the clarity and meaning of a statement and lower the LR, C + C, and GRA scores in relation to sentence structure and meaning/ accuracy.

The solutions introduction sentence is redundant in presentation. A solution means the same as a remedy. Repeated word usage will have a word usage score deduction as wwell. Avoid saying the same thing twice in a sentence. That does not add to the C + C score.

Closing with a run-on sentence is a definite GRA deduction. summarize the previous discussion properly. Avoid long sentences that do not properly meet the complex sentence structure in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / IN THE FUTURE, WE WILL HAVE MORE LEISURE TIME AS MACHINE REPLACE MANY OF OUR TASKS. [2]

In the first paragraph, the writer created a mun on first sentence by combining 2 unrelated thoughts in one sentence. This created a difficult to follow sentence statement. A sentence mmust contain only a single thought or 2 related thoughts that create a clear meaning through the proper use of conjunctions and / or prepositions.

The reasoning paragraph does not use personal leisure time as the expanded discussion reason. The GDP of the economy is relevant to the discussion. That topic is too broad a coverage for a discussion that, based on the original reason, should have explained how robots will afford us more leisure time in the future. Though this discussion will receive a score, it may not be as well scored as it is not using the target reasoning point for the advantage discussion. The focus on mental and physical health would've been the more leisure time relevant advantage discussion.

As for the disadvantage presentation, The first reason is well developed but the second reason is not. The paragraph would have been better scoring if the second line of reasoning was not presented at all. The lack of explanation in that section limited the substance of the topic discussion and lowered the score for that paragraph as well.

There is no cause to present a personal opinion in this essay. You will not receive points for that since it was not given as a discussion instruction in the original discussion statement. Even if it had been mentioned, the personal opinion should be presented in a seperate stand-alone paragraph. It is never mentioned as a part of the concluding summary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The maps show the changes of a small theater in 2010 and 2012 [3]

The essay only covers 140 / 150 words. There is no reference to a summary overview. The writing starts off at the trending statement instead. So the lack of a proper summary overview will affect the overall comparison report. This should be represented in a comparison of 3-4 paragraphs. The accidental mrging of the third paragraph into the second is what caused this error.The third paragraph should have started at "meanwhile". The paragraph presentations need more descriptive content. Each paragraph should have 3-5 sentences for better scoring considerations. The current paragraph presentations are too brief and could use more content. The most worrisome part of this presentation though is the lack of a summary overview.

Further review of this presentation shows that the summary overview may have been incorrectly formatted. The student, for some reason, presented it in instruction rather than discussion format. The latter being the more appropriate structure for the presentation. A summary overview uses normal upper and lowercase letters, is not highlighted, and presented as a merged part of the trending statement. Additionally, the comparisons cover 2010 and 2012. It is not a series of continuing changes since there are 2 images covering specific years provided.

Writing Feedback / Community service for students, in their free time, should be mandatory [2]

The essay does not meet the discussion requirements as implied in the original presentation. . Based on the topic presentation, there are 2 opposing points of view. The writer restates only one of the two in the paraphrase sentence. The discussion format is based on an extent response. The writer has chosen to write about pros and cons instead. Totally changing the discussion instructions from the original. The essay has an inaccurate paraphrase and has a prompt deviation in relation to the discussion format. It has 2 immediate failing points at the start. These failures may prevent the presentation from achieving a passing base score. Due tothe change in discussion format, passing this test may not be possible.

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of young people volunteering in community activities [2]

The essay cannot recieve a passing score due to word count issues. The presentation is only 234/250 words. Essays that do not meet the minimum word count automatically receives percentage deductions. This deduction will be applied even before the other scoring errors are consolidated for final marking. The writer starts off with affailed preliminary TA score. It will be difficult to recover from that.

The prompt restatement should have been completed upon the presentation of a thesis statement The thesis statement should be comprised of an advantage and disadvantage topic for individual paragraph discression in the 2 stand - alone reasoning paragraphs. This one reason why the essay did not meet the word count.

The discussion paragraphs lack explanation and example development. The focus of the paragraph was on outlining, rather than developing the reasons. The number of reasons are not helpful when considered due to lack of justified or supporting comments. Using only 1 or 2 related reasons, properly explained would have resolved this problem. The reasoning paragraphs, being under-developed further adds to the scoring problems.

The conclusion is an even bigger problem. It fails to offer a proper summary conclusion and also lacks presentation development. The writer needs to write /explain more in the essay to solve its problems.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : DO LONGER WORKING SHIFTS LEAD TO ECONOMIC SUCCESS ? (250 WORDS) [2]

The prompt restatement is incorrect, immediately eliminating a possible band 8 score for this essay. The topic centers on the point of view of countries, not individuals or groups of people. The response statement is incomplete and lacking in clarity as it refers to longer shifts in general as opposed to the more specific "occupational hours" or "employment schedules". The writers response in a measured degree is the only properly presented part of the prompt restatement + Personal opinion paragraph.

The reasoning used by the writer does not use the reasoning basis indicated in the original. The explanations should focus on economic success As the comparison point for both points of view. It appears the witter failed to consider the topic requirement when the essay was being drafted. A quick prompt check prior to submission would have made that error evident to the writer and a correction could've been applied to the work. While the writer will recieve a score for having written an essay, it may not be a passing one due to discussion topic errors. This is most definitely not yet a band 8 writing effort.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: As a part of education, students should spend a period of time living in another country [2]

The essay is heavy when it comes to word usage, but is definitely lacking in coherence and cohesiveness. Majority of the written opinion cannot be understood by a native English speaker. The problematic restatement does not do a proper job of explaining the original topic and offers an opinion that is not aligned with the extent question response requirement of the prompt. The essay has already failed based on the 1st paragraph misrepresentation alone.

The writer needed to offer a clear interpretation of the topic, this was not done in the paraphrasing section. A thought from the author that expresses a clear extent opinion in the essay was not given either. Agree or disagree. The authors response of "I have come to the decision of a disposal" does not meet the discussion instructions for the essay. No clear opinion, based on the expected writing format was provided.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: coal mining site and its renewed version as an entertainment destination [2]

The trending statement was good up to the point where a run-on sentence was created. The data in this section should, for clarity purposes, be divided into 3 seperate sentences to represent the 3 different discoveries from the images.

The descriptive analysis is focused on the changes alone.The writer forgot that a comparison of the images based on the original and revised maps are required. This was to be a 3 paragraph essay with the 2nd paragraph detailing the original set - up. That presentation should then be connected to the highlighted redesign and changes after the renovations in the 3rd paragraph.

The discussion meets half the requirements for the report. A balanced look at both images in relation to design variations would have offered a better scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - the proportion between male and female in Australia, who commonly did exercises [3]

The essay represents an acceptable word count for this presentation. However, the accuracy of the data presented is questionable due to the lack of image. The image itself is not identified in an accurate or any manner in the summary overview. That is why it is impossible fur the reader to create an accurate mental image of the provided information. Prompt and information accuracy is questionable at this point. The report is quickly witten. It relies on easily viewable information from the image, providing a summary of information, but not an analysis of the data provided. Additional probing in the discussion is required as the funding statement cannot be veiled as a complete and thorough study of the image data.

Writing Feedback / Palmela Wilson is a freshman majoring in English. She wants to look for a part-time job to get work [2]

If this letter was written for a task 1 essay, then it should not be more than 200 words. This may be considered overwritten for a 20 minute task.

There is a lack of clarity as to why Wilson would ask this person for advice. Why is it an honor for this person? What capacity does the writer have to give beneficial thoughs on the question? The second paragraph offers sound advice. It meets the information requirements of Wilson.

The last paragraph is confusing. The first sentence , in particular, fails to properly inform the reader. What is that sentence about? What does it refer to? What does he have to read and why?

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: The changes in ownership of electrical appliances [3]

The essay is over-witten. The writer cannot complete 2OO + words within 20 minutes. There should not be more than 200 words in the presentation. More than this and the writer will be cutting into the 40 minute task 2 writing allowance. Over analysis is not required as this is just a simple report essay. Do not turn it into a Task 2 essay.

The writer uploaded the wong image as the basis for this essay. It will limit the review extent for this presentation. A recycled bottles image was incorrectly uploaded.

The second image information lacks in-depth analysis when compared to the first image. The writer also mistakenly gave a personal opinion in the report. That is not allowed in the data reporting essay as there is no need for a personal opinion when you are just repeating information to the reader. An opinion is different from an analysis.

Opinion- a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

Analysis - this process as a method of studying the nature of something or of determining its essential features and their relations

Undergraduate / "A discussion that has meant the most to me" Undergrad college application essay [3]

The inclusion of the reference to the teacher throws off the concept of the discussion as being based on personal insight on a topic of personal importance. Frame it differently, maybe asa self discovery, to add more intellectual impact in alignment with the prompt. The discussion itself is straightforward and lacking a minimal (if at all) emotional connection that would explain what and why this discussion is important to you. It is too intellectually controlled in presentation, as if you were writing it from an A.I. perspective. Devoid of emotion and functioning only on fed algorithms. A bit of humanity is required in the presentation. The importance of the discussion is lost in over analysis of what the phrase represents.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Living alone vs with other people [3]

This is a single opinion essay. The writer is given the option to discuss one of two points of view. Why is it a single opinion essay? There is no instruction to discuss both points of view. In the absence of such an instruction, a response based on a single opinion is required. The essay does not offer a clear opinion based on TA requirements and will therefore, not gain a passing TA score. This will limit the opportunity of the writer to achieve a passing score as the TA forms a large scoring basis for this essay. Make a mistake in this section and the essay will struggle to get a mere passing consideration.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 writing: sports should be part of school program?? [2]

The keywords "sports" and "academic work" are part of the original prompt. These need to be replaced for better vocabulary scores. "Sports" can be replaced with "athletics " and "school work" maybe termed " academic endeavors" instead. Avoid retaining the original words as this will indicate a limited English vocabulary and lower the score for the essay.

As far as the discussion instruction no concerned, the point of iner used was limited to the personal one. The comparative discussion for the public points of view, the explanation for the basis of each public opinion should be presented in individual paragraphs first. After those explanations, the writer's opinion comes last. This essay cannot be written from a singular pov as that is not the discussion requirement. Each public opinion has a valid reason, explain it via 3rd person group pronouns. Thin explain the writers opinion via 1st person references. That is the needed presentation format. The essay failed to meet the discussion format presentation.

Scholarship / GKS-U SCHOLARSHIP /STUDY PLAN - LANGUAGE COURSE/ [5]

The English language used in this essay shows a high level of English grammar inefficiency. It is in bad need of professional editing services to at least, help convince the reviewer that you actually got a barely passing score of 5.5 in your IELTS test. It would actually be better if you don't mention that score here anymore since it won't help in considering your application. It is only the score one gets in the TOPIK test that would be worth a mention in this presentation. You failed to mention how you will academically pursue grammar improvements. This makes it sound like you will spend most of your time engaging in self - entertainment, which defeats the purpose of coming to Korea to study.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 The line graph illustrates the percentage of different age groups of cinema visitors [4]

This is a good first effort. The writing shows that the author analyzed the content for the presentation, but lacked guidance in terms of formatting and word count. These problems can be easily addressed and corrected.

The writer must take note of the basic Task 1 paragraph format. That is, a single image analysis should cover no more than 3 paragraphs. 2 comparison images can be analyzed over 4 paragraphs (if applicable). Additionally, while the minimum word count is 150 words, the most ideal word range is within 175-200 words, written within 20 minutes. This is the word count that can bring maximum scoring considerations provided the analysis presented is on topic.

That said, the formatting error in an otherwise strong analysis presentation is easy to spot.. The summary overview would have also benefitted from a more thorough listing, not discussion of the 4 age groups provided. Afterall, the summary paragraph requires the presentation of the basic data that will comprise the analytical paragraphs. The paragraph division could have been:

Par. 1 : Summary overview + trending statement
Par. 2 : Comparison of group 1 and 2
Par. 3 : Comparison of group 3 and 4

There is no concluding paragraph requirement for a task 1 essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Important skills for parents to teach youngsters at their early stage [4]

The writer was given 3 topic choices to write about in this essay. This did not mean that the writing needed to represent all 3 discussion points. Rather, the writer needed to select only 2 topics to write about in this presentation. The choices of money management and self responsibility were excellent and relevant topic choices. The writer successfully explained the relevance of each topic in a manner that corelated one topic to the next. There was a cohesive and coherent presentation for both topics.The laundry topic stick out like a sore thumb and did not connect in a manner that proved relevant to the first two points. That is what weakened the ppresentation. The over-discussion created a spin-off topic that, although partof the options, did not help boost the strength of the discussion. These are the reasons why 2 connected discussions would have been better than 3 topic presentations,