Research Papers / What is Knowledge? - Answering the question - Rough Draft [2]


What research was conducted? How was it conducted? ho conducted it? What were the questions asked? How were these responded to? What was the survey pool for the research? How did this affect the outcome of the research? These are questions that should have been indicated in the first paragraph as a part of the introductory presentation. Do not rush into the discussion. Lay the groundwork/framework first. Present a real thesis statement rather than a straightforward question. As a college level paper, a higher level of writing standards need to be applied to this presentation. There is a clear weakness in the thesis development for this essay as it failed to represent the basis of the discussion before launching into a detailed presentation.

Now, if the essay is based solely on personal opinion and an understanding of knowledge based on personal understanding of other information, then the word "research" should not be used as it is a misrepresentation of the actual method of writing and developing opinions for the central topic in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: Unsatisfactory job, shortage of money or Improve and try [4]

The prompt paraphrase reads as incomplete. There are several missing information that should have been presented. This was either caused by a lack of English proficiency, or an inability on the writer's part to clearly analyze the essay for restatement to the reader. There is no reason presented in the restatement based on the topic. Considering the presentation of the writer, there should have 2 reasons indicated in support of each point of view. These would have helped represent the thesis statement of the writer based on the reasons provided for his/her supported topic. There is a lack of proper restatement that would have covered:

- Topics
- Reasons
- Discussion instructions as integrated into the thesis statement/personal opinion of the writer.

* Limited free review due to essay scoring requirements. Contact us privately for accurate scoring reviews

Research Papers / The Importance of Destigmatizing Mental Health [2]

You have to remove the quote that is presented in the first paragraph. As a general rule, in-text citations are not permitted in the first paragraph as this is considered the introductory paragraph, leading into a thesis statement. No actual discussion is required at that point, only a personal insight from the writer. So having a quotation presented there does not serve much of a purpose. It would be better to also limit the use of citations since these could easily be spotted by plagiarism software as too dominant in the presentation, leading to a false positive plagiarism review from the system.

* Limited review presented. Contact us privately for a more detailed review of your paper.

Writing Feedback / The graph illustrates carbon dioxide emitted per person on average, in four different countries [2]

The summary overview is a run-on presentation. The first sentence should have ended after the inclusive years were presented. The second sentence, referring to the measurement, is based on a different set of information. Hence, it requires its own sentence presentation. It is unrelated to the previous information so it cannot be presented using the word "and" due to thought clarity requirements.

There are points of criss-crossing information in the presentation between Sweden, Italy, and Portugal that should have been referred to in the essay as a part of analyzing the information in an important and notable manner. These points of intersection help show a true review of the image.

You tend to use run-on sentences throughout the presentation,causing undue stress for the reader. Expect this practice to reduce your GRA and C&C scores in the actual test due to the confusing / difficult to follow information presentation. Use more periods than commas to indicate a change in sentence idea or information presentation.

* Limited free review presentation due to band score requirements. Contact us privately for scoring needs.

Scholarship / ESP practitioner - TESOL and the prospect for my future career (AAS) [2]


This is not a definitive career goal. There is uncertainty in your presentation thus, making the contribution of the studies questionable in your presentation. Will it really be of help if you are not certain that you will be actually be able to apply what you learned? Exactly. Preciseness and clarity of information, confidence in your career plans as relevant to your studies is a must in this presentation. In truth, there are parts of the essay that come across as unclear and requiring proper editing and proofreading. It is almost an informative essay due to the confusing sentence parts. The essay can also use proper paragraph formatting on a professional level.

*Limited free review due to private editing requirements for the essay.

Writing Feedback / On Travelling to DaLat Trip [2]

I would have to say that the format for the presentation is improper. You are using a poetry based format for a presentation that should be essay type. Due to the format situation, your presentation now has punctuation problems as poems are required to have specific punctuation marks that help to clarify the voice of the writer in the presentation. The writing is elementary enough in English usage. You wrote clearly and your narrative is easily understood. However, the presentation of this essay would have been better had it used the essay rather than poetry format. Perhaps you typed this up on your cellphone? That is why the format is different from if you had used a laptop or tablet to type it up?

Writing Feedback / Teenagers should have the opportunity to hold a part time essay [2]

If I were not to consider this based on Task 2 essay requirements, since you did not specify if you were writing this for a practice test, then I would have to say that you made a good effort in this writing task. You have shown an understanding of the topic and the reasons why you would want teenagers to work part time. It is almost as if you work part-time yourself. However, there are times when your thought presentation becomes unclear. Perhaps these are situations when you are uncertain as to the translation of your thoughts from your first language to your second language. There are also some spelling errors here and there in relation to words that, thought correct in usage, were spelled incorrectly. Not worry though, the reader knows what you meant to say.

* Limited free review presentation due to specific review requests covered by our private services.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Punishing children at an early age, agree or disagree? [2]

Your essay response format is incorrect. The prompt paraphrase and response to the direct questions have altered the response and discussion topics for the essay. Compare the following:

Original Topic: It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age.
Your Topic: Early education is the key to develop the future characteristics of children that help them decide what shall they do or not.

You are including information not found in the original prompt. This statement, which is a personal opinion unsupported by original data, altered the discussion topic to a slight extent.

Discussion Question 1: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Response 1: From my perspective, I will discuss rationales behind this viewpoint before showing why I disapprove this claim.

Where is the thesis statement giving the extent of your response to the question? You have changed the discussion target for the first question at this point.

Discussion question 2: What sort of punishment should parent and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?
Response 2: I will provide the efficiency punishment methods to educate the young for both parents and teachers.
You have not provided a direct response to the question that will help support your opinion. Your overall paraphrasing does not follow the correct format based on the original prompt requirements. Therefore, the TA score will not be helpful in terms of you getting a passing score with this presentation.

*Limited free review application due to specific review requirements requiring private consultation.

Scholarship / How will Master of International Trade course contribute to my career - Australia Awards Scholarship [2]

Change the first paragraph to reflect that you will be changing your career path from foreign relations manager to foreign trade consultant. Indicate a connection between the two. Reflect on how your previous studies have prepared you for the change in career path prior to explaining why you believe that this career change is a necessary professional growth path you must undertake. It is important to set the balance between the past and current career interests in this case as the previous course must prove to be supportive of the change in career path. The career progression will help identify the contribution of the new studies to your new career path. An explanation of how you have maxed out your potential in the current field, thus requiring the career adjustment will also help set the tone for the contribution these studies will be making to your career.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Counter Terrorism and Criminology Course (Australia Awards Scholarship) [2]

You need to relate your current position and position within the agency with your interests in the aforementioned courses. The information about terrorism and anti-terrorist stance of Indonesia helps inform the reviewer about the situation, but offers no clarity on why you would want to join the ranks of people who hold these masters degrees. Do not tell me that you hold a degree in Criminology. Tell the reviewer that. Then explain how the undergraduate certification you have lends itself to your current profession and its relevance to your course choices. For each course choice, it is not enough that you are interested in completing the course, you have to explain its applicability to your current role or targeted future position. A combination of both goals would be most useful in helping assess your reasons for the proposed courses.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-WRITING TASK 2 about Water Pollution (causes and effects) [2]

Did you time yourself when you wrote this essay? Assuming that you wrote 376 words before the 40 minutes where up, did you bother to check your essay for thought clarity, prompt adherence, and appropriate relevant examples from your own experience and knowledge, rather than research? I ask you this because these are the obvious problems in your presentation.

In the first paragraph, the second send sentence is lacking a subject reference. There is a reference to a reaction, but a lack of proper sentence development to include the target topic of the sentence. Then, there is also the lack of proper direct response to the 2 questions asked. It is always easier to simply restate the discussion instructions. However, that restatement fails to create the thesis statement for your paper, which is a required skill for a student seeking to study abroad. All personal opinion papers must come with a thesis statement in order to help direct the clarity of your opinion, and provide the discussion points for the body of the essay.

Your information refers to research, which means this is not based on commonly known information or your personal experience. Such research reference means you do not adhere to the prompt instruction that indicates:


So you will have altered the prompt discussion in that aspect. Additionally, the paragraphs lack a thorough discussion development based on the topics provided. You are under developing your discussions as you are more focused on providing reasons rather than explanations. The explanation is more important than the number of reasons since the original instruction indicates:


Reasons are supporting statements for a topic. You will always do better explaining a single topic fully, rather than relying on a long essay that only enumerates reasons, while failing to address the clarity of your opinion and strength of the discussion. Writing long sentences does nothing for your score when you have clear mistakes in writing that you failed to correct.

Writing Feedback / Everybody should travel since there are many clear advantages that traveling provides [3]

The first penalty that will applied to this writing pertains to the lack of word count. Out of the 250 minimum, you only provide an essay of 235 words. So the essay will begin its scoring mark with major deductions, without even considering the incomplete prompt restatement at that. Your prompt restatement does not properly represent:

- The topic
- Reason for the discussion
- Discussion instructions / question response.

The prompt restatement is always composed of a minimum of 3 sentences. You only used 1 incomplete sentence, that even had a missing punctuation mark at the end. So there are immediately 2 deductions at the very start:

- Prompt restatement inaccuracy
- GRA errors

Your summary conclusion is also only 23 words out of the suggested 40 words or 2 sentences for that section. You do not really reiterate the topic, your opinion, and supporting reasons in the end, which is the whole point of the reverse paraphrase section at the end.

Writing Feedback / Some people are regarded to be born with certain talents, and others are not [4]


This sentence has cut and paste / memorized phrases coming from the original presentation. The same word use will result in penalties for your work in the TA section as you are going to be seen as incapable of using word equivalents to help you explain the topic in your own words. Aim to change all of the keywords from the original in your prompt restatement to avoid such penalties.

The essay instruction is clear. This is a 3 format essay composed of 3 discussion paragraphs:
Public opinion 1
Public opinion 2
Personal opinion

In this presentation, your avoidance of pronoun usage portrayed the discussion solely from a personal point of view. Thus the essay will be considered and incomplete discussion and will only receive partial points, based on a personal opinion, which is the final paragraph presentation as far as the required format is concerned. Though the discussion is acceptable, there are still several errors covering various scoring considerations that will further pull down your score. One of the main and glaring errors in this presentation is the consecutive use of punctuation marks (comma and ellipses). This will definitely affect your GRA score as it shows a lack of sentence structure understanding on your part. You cannot use 2 punctuation marks successively. That is incorrect written grammar.

Writing Feedback / Proportion of water used for agriculture - writing task 1 test 1 in cam ielts practice [3]

How many pie charts were involved? Each pie chart, since you refer to it in plural form, covered a different aspect of measurement. Each pie chart should therefore, be described in relation to the information it represents and the trend for each chart image. It is the inaccuracy of your summary overview, as well short descriptions in the body paragraphs (3 sentences are a must to meet the minimum word count), that has led to your under writing of text in the presentation. With only 134 words presented, you will receive penalties for not meeting the 150 minimum word count. Thus ensuring that your presentation will not meet the minimum passing standards for the task 1 test.

Scholarship / The graphs below show the enrolments of overseas students and local students in Australia universiti [2]

The lack of image makes the review of this essay difficult. Due to changes in company policy, I am now giving an incomplete review of your work. It is incomplete because you forgot to upload the image for the review. Kindly upload the image next time you post here.

The overview summary does not identify the type of graph you were provided with for review. The inaccuracy in the reference to a graph, a generalization, does not help add to the accuracy of your review. Identifying the type of graph (line, bar, pie, histograms to name a few) helps deliver the accuracy of your report as you deal with numbers and statistics in your presentation. The imaginary image that helps profile the information is not helped by the general reference. Referring to data below is not helpful since the assumption is that there is no image for reference. Hence the need for a precise description of the measurement source.

Writing Feedback / We need to take an action - daily diet and physical activities to reduce the number of obese kids [2]

The essay is based on your general knowledge about obesity and its effect on children. That is how the prompt paraphrase should have been presented, the reference to Michelle Obama along with her health program has nothing to do with the discussion. Why? This is not a research paper that requires you to offer information sources and verified information. This is based on a personal opinion. So the essay itself does not follow the correct format for the discussion. There is an overwriting in the essay that further pushed the essay farther from the original prompt requirements.

The essay need not have the quote from Mrs. Obama. You actually highlighted how you took more than 40 minutes to write this essay because of the researched quote and other data in the essay. All of which you cannot accomplish during the actual test. You need to be able to write using your own words and understanding of the proposed topic. This essay, though well researched, will not help you get a passing score in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / A Look Into Climate Change Skepticism [2]


Provide a factual, evidence supported example of this climate change. A particular region of the world where the effect is clearly seen and mismanaged (perhaps) or addressed properly to the point where it has become controlled.


Such as? Why would these become irreversible? For more convincing effect, use one or two examples that could be best used as currently existing climate changes that we are having a problem overcoming.

Perhaps you can leave the political parties out of this discussion as politics doesn't really have a direct hand in the climate change discussion. There is no need to mention that the people who do not believe in climate change are Republican. It gives the research a political.


You lack evidence to support this claim in your essay. It does not need to be reflected in research papers yet. Just public opinion based on interviews your have done or seen on authoritative channels. Conspiracy theories need to have a basis and these need to be reflected in the presentation.

slant rather than an neutral representation of the discussion.

Scholarship / Master of Social Work and Psychology - AAS Supporting Statement [2]


Include information prior to Covid, during Covid, and a projection regarding GBV once the pandemic is lifted or within relaxed lockdown situations. Do not just focus on Covid-19 because your skills need to develop in preparation for the post Covid GBV scenario more than just GBV within the Covid 19 setting.


-Such as? These goals must be discussed as specific motivation factors that led to your decision to seek an MS certification as a professional in this field.


-Hyperbole. If you can relate your training to specific family protection programs of your country or in relation to women's rights / protection as it is applied in your country, the reference will be clearer and more relevant to the discussion.

Graduate / Internship about famous places in the largest city of Vietnam [2]

Due to your redacted information, the sentences you wrote no longer make any sense. The paragraphs you present do not help take the reader on an imaginative ride. The whole paper is not effective in delivering information in relation to your internship. There is a lack of discussion outlining and content development in the overall presentation. You cannot expect me to review this paper and give you valid advice for its improvement because of the confusing presentation, missing information, and overall lack of coherent ideas within the presentation. Unless you are willing to properly develop this essay and present all of the information here, without omitting any information, I will be unable to help you fix this essay.

Scholarship / Energy field - my proposed course and institution in Australia [2]

The reason for you proposed course must be similar to a motivation or career goal. The presentation does not have a career based relationship represented. Is there a government energy program being launched or that has been launched that you wish to participate in? If your focus is on energy based on your petroleum engineering background then present both an academic and professional reason for your course choices depending upon these apply to your career focus. Your first paragraph does not help your application at all due to the lack of applicable content/information in that section. After adjusting your reason for pursuing courses, revise your university selections based on academic qualifiers in relation to your future plans or current training needs. Your university choice reasons are as empty as your proposed reason for choosing the study courses at this point.

Scholarship / The reason why I choose the Public Health course [4]

The first two paragraphs are irrelevant. The first, is because you are not really portraying any professional information to introduce your interest. The second, contains information over 5 years old, which means it is no longer up to date and cannot be used in such application essays. Truth be told, the actual information that the reviewer would earnestly want to learn about starts in the 3rd paragraph. So reformatting that to properly open the essay would help create a more relevant background / foundation for the reason you chose your proposed course/s.


Which are? Based on each university? Specifics are required and differences in learning focus, per university course offering would help. Each course has a stand out point that made you choose it. So base the reason for the university choice on the memorable or important learning points (as far as you are concerned). Remove the last sentence. Since you cannot attend both universities, you should not make such a confusing reference. Develop a different closing line.

Scholarship / Different cultures and lifestyles - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR USEFP SEMESTER EXCHANGE PROGRAM [2]

The overall essay is extremely vague in reference. You need to be clearer in your presentation in terms of each prompt presentation. Your interests and personality for instance, should highlight your capacity as a future influencer and and leader in your Pakistani community. Remember that as an exchange student, your job is 2 fold, to influence the understanding of Pakistan in America and to champion the American point of view in Pakistan. These should come across in the depiction of your interests and personality.

Your academic objectives are unclear. Connect your objectives to a specific learning opportunity you hope to take advantage of during your time in the US. You do not portray yourself as a student who will greatly benefit from the opportunity to research and engage with an internationally diverse learning community in the United States. What special qualities as as a student and researcher can you bring to the country based on your interests? How would this be beneficial to the both countries in terms of information exchange? Consider these guide questions when revising the prompt to bring more clarity to the last 2 prompt discussion points as well.

Writing Feedback / Relationship Between Anxiety And Motivation in College [3]


- You lost me here. Who is the writer? What did he write? How is it relevant to your research? Maybe you overlooked the reference made in your notes when you wrote this draft?


-Who is she? What is her background in relevance to the discussion? What research was conducted and why? These are foundation points that you refer to prior to citing information from her research. Without it, the authority of her information becomes questionable and easy to ignore.

The rest of the presentation falls under purely cut and paste information. It does not contain a personal opinion or analysis of the information provided by each expert. The continued use of citations may also trigger a plagiarism warning once this essay is passed through a checker. Correct that section to include explanations or insights in lengths that would remove the possibility of the flagging.

Writing Feedback / A hobby or interest can change from time to time as a reflection of trends and fashions [2]

Your first reasoning paragraph is over explained. It is too wordy and forced you to write over 300 words, which, if you think of the things you need to do within the 40 minute time limit, you may not be able to complete. You need to be more direct with your explanations. A 5 sentence explanation composed of:

- Topic sentence
- Supporting reason
- Example to illustrate your point
- Additional explanation (optional)
- Transition sentence

would be more than sufficient to drive your point home. You are not writing a research paper, just a personal opinion so keep it short to avoid forced errors in your writing such as under developed second topics, GRA problems, C&C issues between the 2 topics in a single paragraph.

Science is an incorrect example to use in the second paragraph because science is based on an interest in studies, learning, experimentation, and intellectual development. It is not a hobby or interest that can change from time to time. It is because you did not portray a hobby or leisure activity in the second paragraph that your essay failed to deliver a convincing explanation. It is not convincing in the sense that the topic you chose to discuss does not fall under the suggested prompt topic.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement for AAS: Why did you choose proposed course - Master of Education [3]

You can remove the reference to Covid-9 in the discussion since it is not a major factor in your discussion presentation and, it is also not a major factor when considering your scholarship application. Your other documents and the content of your essays will determine if you qualify or not. The mention of Covid - 19, which is being done by all the students shows how limited your view is of the way that scholarships run, thinking that only a single theme or topic, when mentioned, will make you a contender for the scholarship.

In truth, the essay you wrote, when based on the general educational outlook and trending references to innovative education carry more weight and shows a more analyzed reason for your application. You already show the reviewer that you have leadership ambitions for yourself in the presentation. However, the last paragraph, the reference to Australia in general does not really help your application. Rather, I believe that you should use the final paragraph to reiterate your ambition as a future educator who will utilize the opportunity to study in Australia to help modernize the educational system in your country. A comparison between the two educational systems and the main reason you hope to modernize it for the betterment of your future country leaders would increase the profile of your application.

Writing Feedback / The change in percentage of the population - IELTS Writing Task 1: Table [2]

Since you are trying to help the reader create a mental picture of this table, you should include the information description for the columns and rows provided as well. For the columns, there are the country and years covering 1988, 2000, and a projection for 2030. For the rows, the country's included in the consideration as Canada, Germany, and the UK. Such specific descriptions shows a true analysis and investigative look into the provided information that will help boost your TA score. Be precise with your country identification. A citizen of Germany is more commonly identified as a German, the country, as provided in the chart, is GERMANY. There is a big difference between the two references.

Scholarship / Master of Economic Policy (MECPO) - MECPO AAS [2]

You need to have a focus beyond Covid - 19 to help make your desire to compelete this program more relevant. Bear in mind that Covid-19 is not a permanent economic state, social state, or state of mind. While you may refer to Covid 19 as a part of the reason for your interest, the discussion should also reflect an idea that you are looking forward to rebuilding your economy within a post Covd-19 world, also known as "The New Normal". How do you see your country emerging from the Covid - 19 situation economically? How will these studies help chart a new path based on your idea for the post Covid 19 economy of your country? How does your vision relate to your chose courses? Go beyond Covid - 19. You do not get extra points for focusing only on the economy under Covid - 19. That is a narrow minded way at looking at this career development opportunity. . Right now, you have a one track mind in the discussion, which shows a limited potential in your growth as a future economic influencer in your country.

Scholarship / Career in the academe - PERSONAL STATEMENT - GKSP MASTER'S DEGREE [2]

There are several aspects of the prompt that you fail to address. The most obvious missing theme is the motivation by which you apply for the program. A desire to continue your education is one thing, but that should not be mistaken for a motivation. The motivation needs to be represented clearly in the essay as a part of the career objectives. I do not understand if you are planning to go into a career change through these studies, if you plan to start your own television network, continue with your career in entertainment or what. This is nothing more than an academic biography which does not provide all of the necessary information based on the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / International law - AAS Supporting Statement for LL.M. Study in Australia [2]

You need to focus less on your background and interest development because you are applying for a masters degree scholarship already. You need to focus on your professional requirements behind the need to advance your studies. Since you previously mentioned that the masters course is the required element of your current job as an educator, then focus on the job requirements as the reason for your choosing the course. As for the universities, you need to highlight the differences between your choices. What makes the same course stand out as an offering at each university that interested you in seeking admission there? You cannot have equal interests in the courses offered because each university excels in a different field when it comes to teaching their masters students. This makes it sound like you are not really choosing universities, in no particular order, you just want to fulfill the university choice requirements with a total disregard of your academic goals and interests in relation to your professional goals.

Writing Feedback / These days youngsters mimic among others their favourite sports personalities. [2]

You are being asked to respond to a direct question:

Question: Do you believe professional athletes make good role models for young people?
Expected response: I believe that paid sportspersons are exemplary / unacceptable idols for adolescents. I base my 2 opinions on 2 specific reasons namely....

Your response: Although sportspeople have rare characteristics that the youngsters need to follow, they should be aware of their effect on youth's life.

Your response is a prompt deviation which resulted in an incorrect topic discussion. Hence, this essay will not be able to get a passing score because the topic being discussed is unrelated to the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Formal Letter: college cafeteria lunch [2]

The first sentence in the letter is too abrupt. You need to have a formal and cordial opening paragraph prior to declaring your problem with the cafeteria. Review the slant of the discussion presentation in the original prompt. Each prompt reflects the function of each paragraph. The first sentence you are using does not fall in line with the expected presentation format. There are 3 discussion paragraph topics required. There should be 3 discussion paragraphs provided in the body excluding the opening salutation ( Dear Sir or Madam) and concluding paragraph + closing salutation.

Make your attendance at the school more definite. Indicate your full name, student number, major, and year level of attendance at the university. This will help give weight to your concern and force the reader to take your letter seriously.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Formal Letter: School renovation and volunteering [2]

The letter is unclear regarding the reason for your visit to the local school. Were you there as part of a volunteer organization? Perhaps you were a graduate of the school? There needs to be a reference that will give weight to your visit which, in turn, will enlighten the reader as to why you might volunteer to help renovate the school or perform other tasks.

Having daughters and nieces who have already attended the school, meaning they already graduated. So that is not a good reason to use since there is no direct relationship between you and the school anymore. In relation to that reference, rather than saying your "boyfriend", since you already have children, it would be better to say "my husband" or "my partner" as those are more adult and formal references to a person you have a relationship with while keeping his relation to the children vague in the letter.

Scholarship / Why I choose to study the bachelor of commerce majoring in economics? Australian Awards Scholarship [5]

Try to choose 2 universities and courses for this essay. It will give you a better chance of being considered for the scholarship. For the proposed undergraduate course and major, you need to prove that these course choices will make you employable in your country upon your return. Referring to fulfilling a gap in the professional field or a government program you hope to help fulfill would help your application. Try to represent a personal and professional interest in the presentation. More importantly, ensure that you will be able to prove that you will become a future leader in your country once you begin working there after you graduate. The scholarship wants to be sure that they train future leader in the country. The problem, is that I do not get a sense of that in this presentation.

Another way you can prove the usability of your course choice is by showing that you are already participating in activities that are relevant in terms of exposure and training to your major field of interest. Rather than just relying on deeper insight, prove that you have a basic understanding of what the major you have chosen is about due to relevant activities and pre undergraduate training.

The university choices need to be based on your overall development: academically, personally, and socially. Each university has a unique way of helping their foreign students develop these aspects during their time as a student. Consider discussing these as a part of your reason for choosing a university, but avoid making yourself sound like a person who wants to win the scholarship to become a long staying tourist in the country. Everything has to come full circle to your academic development.

Graduate / MOTIVATION LETTER ABOUT FLUID MECHANICS [2]

This is a personal statement. It contains information that shows the development of your interest in Fluid Mechanics. It does not show the actual motivation for your interest in the masters course. You are reaching too far with the reference to Falcon 9, among others. Lower your discussion to the immediate application of this masters course as one of the major motivations for your desire to gain advanced training in this field of specialization. It appears that you are trying to throw in all of the information you think should be included, but actually should be in the career goals and purpose essays. Now, this observation is based on the general rule for writing a motivational statement which are:

- To prove an academic need to gain advanced training in the filed
- The professional necessity that propels you to gain advanced technical knowledge or training

Proving that there is an imperative need for your academic and professional advancement will be the most appropriate motivational presentation in this case. Inclusive to this discussion will be the academic goals that you feel align with the course program the university is offering. It is important that you show how the university courses have motivated your academic interests. You do make reference to this in the essay, but it is incomplete and needs further development.

Scholarship / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR USEFP SEMESTER EXCHANGE PROGRAM [2]

As a draft, this is an essay that has potential and nothing more due to under development of the idea presentations. It appears that you are not even trying to comprehensively respond to each topic you are asked to justify in the essay. These information does not give any data that can be considered notable and of importance to your application. You are not even trying to actually impress the reviewer with your responses. If you are not serious about your application, then don't waste your time writing the personal statement. You are not going to get the chance you think you can have by being halfhearted in your application. There are more serious, dedicated, and deserving applicants than you. This essay was a complete and total waste of your time ( writing it) and my time (reviewing it).

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year [3]

This is an unnecessarily long essay that fails to deliver on 2 specific points:
- A proper word count of 250-290 words within 40 minutes
- Properly developed and clear topic developments in each paragraph

In the prompt restatement, you changed the discussion instructions by indicating that you will be providing a conclusion / opinion in the essay. That is a prompt deviation which will immediately lower your task accuracy score because the original instruction was to only discuss the advantage and disadvantage, nowhere in the original presentation were you asked to present your own opinion or come to a conclusion about the discussion. You will receive point deductions and word count deductions for references to this incorrect discussion prompt.

In the Advantage reasoning paragraph. The first idea is well represented and explained. It would have helped you get a high C&C score if you had not added the incompletely discussed second reasoning. You were asked to present only one advantage in the prompt, the second one is a throw away. That is why it became under developed. You are not scored on the amount of information you know. The score comes from the clarity of the information that you know, even if it is only based on one representative topic.

Your disadvantages discussion is also composed of little developed ideas in the presentation. You are only presenting reasons, but failing to explain them in a convincing manner. So the first 2 sentences had potential, then you failed to build on it. The next presentation did not even relate to the first discussion point so that only confused the reader, causing a lower C&C score for this presentation.

Scholarship / Social sciences - AAS Supporting Statement for LLM Study in Australia [5]

The first paragraph is not necessary as it does not focus on how the proposed course will help your career advancement. The second paragraph does a better job at doing that. Consider using the second paragraph as the basis for the career advancement explanation. Move forward from that explanation by explaining what specific courses you will be studying that will directly relate to that contribution / career advancement. Connect your studies with career progress. The first paragraph does not lend to this intention as you are instead discussing the opinion of your co-faculty members and the possible job openings at the university you teach at. That is irrelevant. The second paragraph gives a more direct and clear idea of your career path going forward after you complete the course.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: the estimated oil capacity of six countries, in millions of barrels per day. [3]

You should be writing only 175-190 words for this essay. Writing over 200 words brings you nearer to the Task 2 writing guidelines and time limitation. I am worried you will not be able to write and revise this many words within 20 minutes. You have to leave at least 5 minutes for the editing of your draft prior to submission. Please remember that next time and try to stay within a short, rather than long presentation instead.

Excellent work on the summary overview. You have given enough and correct information for the reader to be able to develop a mental picture of the original image. That is the aim of the summary overview and you delivered it without question.

The overall presentation delivers a good mix of simple and complex sentences. The punctuation mark usage is correct throughout and the comparison points are on point. This is basically one of the better developed presentations of this task that I have seen at this forum. However, you should not pat yourself on the back just yet. You still need to learn to present the information in a succinct manner. That will help you present an even easier to read, understand, and remember presentation that will not cut into the Task 2 writing time or go overboard with the word count.

Research Papers / Draft of research paper/persuasive essay on how to define success as a foster youth [2]

In the opening presentation, you were aiming to create a comparison between high school graduate from a family and, a high school graduate in foster care. However, that is not very clear due to the lack of a connecting sentence. A transition that would bridge the presentation points through a solid comparison task. Something that would clearly indicate the differences between the two. However, I do not believe that is necessary because, even without the reference to the non-foster system, the introduction already works. It is already of interest to the reader. You can lose the first sentence in this case. That creates a weak point for the thesis statement.

In the second paragraph, maybe you should focus first on why the foster children do not manage to complete an education. Remember that foster children are still registered in school and are expected to attend academic improvement or skills training programs while a ward of the state. You make the state appear to be heartless and remiss in the second paragraph. As if they do not do anything to assist in the preparation of the aging out of the child. You must make a clear reference to the role of the foster care system in the development of the a child academically, leading up to his emancipation at the age of 18. Only then can you use the circumstances paragraph to balance out the discussion.

Another main weakness that I can see is that you are only portraying the negative side of social services in the picture. You make it appear like there are no preparations made prior to the aging out a child. Surely the child knows the rules for when one turns 18 so the child, based on the help of the assigned social worker should be able to make at least simple preparations for this upcoming change. The question that the essay fails to ask and respond to becomes, "Why do the foster children fail to prepare for separation at the age of 18-21?".

Your discussion opens up a serious and little acknowledge topic to the reader. However, the approach is incomplete as the thesis statement is wide in reach and does not only focus on the psychological aspect of the discussion. Perhaps a narrowed down presentation focusing only on play therapy discussion points would help correct that.

Writing Feedback / THE MIGRATION FROM RURAL AREA TO CITIES IS INCREASING [2]

You have made a serious error in the prompt restatement presentation. The instructions asks you to present a thesis statement based on reasons why there is a migration from rural areas to cities. You were also asked for methods that you believe can help to reverse the trend. Not only is your prompt restatement incomplete, as you only provided a repetition of the supposed discussion instructions, but it is also incorrect as you assumed that you were to present the effects of the migration problem. The task was to discuss how to prevent further migration from the rural to urban areas. As such, your task representation will lose points for prompt alteration.

Then, you also have a repeated problem in your sentence structures that show an incorrect understanding of how to use punctuation marks. Punctuation marks as used individually, never successively. So, by using both a comma and ellipses one after another, without any discussion ideas in-between, you have violated sentence structure rules and will definitely have a greatly reduced GRA score. These 2 errors could result in a final failing score as your essay focused on length, rather than properly discussing, developing reasons, and offering completely developed thoughts per topic in each paragraph.

It will not be possible for you to write 408 words during the actual test. That is because you need to allot at least 10 minutes of the 40 minute writing task to the editing, proofreading, and finalization of your response discussion. You need to clearly explain your discussion points, not just keep on typing hoping that the word count, rather than quality of your writing will help you pass the test. Long essays always result in failing score errors. The longer the essay, the more prone your writing will be to LR and GRA errors.