Graduate / Study plan for master's of enterprise management for university in China [2]

This is not a study plan. This is a personal statement. There is nothing in this presentation that represents an actual study plan based on your work experience, skills development need, and future plans. The fact that you graduated from a different course has nothing to do with your masters studies. Why? The masters studies require a minimum of 2 years work exposure in the field related to the course. It appears to me that you have that qualification so there is no need to mention the change in career path at this point. The study plan should only focus on the reason for your studies in this course, what your thesis might be (if the course is research based), and why you feel an important need to educate yourself in that emerging field. Everything relates to work experience and exposure. Your past studies have no relationship to the present and future of your career path.

Now, the advice I have given is based on the generally known facts about the development of a study plan. If you have specific requirements to respond to, then you should have provided it along with the essay that you wrote. That way, I could have given you more prompt relevant advise as opposed to the general observations based on standard requirements.

Scholarship / The proposed study will have a vast impact on my professional career - Australian awards scholarship [3]

Kindly remove the "etc." reference in the essay as that removes the academic formality of your response. In order to maintain an academic tone, no short cut language should be used in the paragraphs and sentences. This will assure the reviewer of proper respect and a recognition of his authority on your part.

As far as I can tell, you have proposed the future of your career based on academic standards for the workplace. There is no personal career goal discussion and a personal interest in the study. It is this lack of passion in your writing when it comes to your career development that makes the essay boring to read. It sounds more like you memorized the course curriculum and duties and responsibilities listing of job openings at your office rather than you giving a personal analysis of your career direction, growth, and personal interest in completing both.

Consider the following:
- Your professional goals
- Your academic needs in relation to that goal
- Your path going forward after completing your studies

All of these need to be presented as a solid career plan rather than an enumeration of possible duties and responsibilities as you have now. Focus on specific targets that you hope to truly contribute and participate in then relate the studies back to those.

Writing Feedback / To afford a house instead of renting one is tremendously essential for people in some nations [3]

The IELTS Task 2 essays will never ask you about the truth of an opinion given in the discussion topic section. So you do not need to say that something is true in your opening sentence. That is because such a reference is not supported as a necessary explanation in the original discussion. Sometimes, such statements lead to prompt deviations, which is why students are advised to not say that something is true or false in the presentation. As for your thesis sentences, you properly gave a response to the second question, but you did not clearly represent the 2 discussion reasons for the first question. So your thesis statement is incomplete. A clear opinion is composed of the opinion and the reasons that support your statement. A clear thesis statement that responds to the questions provided, with only discussion topics rather than full discussions, will allow you to gain a better TA score.

The first reasoning paragraph has 2 filler sentences that did not help with the cohesiveness or clarity of the presentation. The first sentence just says there are 2 underlying reasons, that belongs in the thesis presentation, not the reasoning paragraph. Then, you counted out the first topic, but failed to use the "secondly" reference to clearly show a separate discussion topic. The second topic should have been a separate paragraph. As it is, your presentation is difficult to follow due to the improperly combined discussion.

Scholarship / Not one without water - Personal Statement for Commonwealth Shared Scholarship [2]

There should be an expanded discussion in relation to the second paragraph. Consider how you contributed to solving the drought problem at that time. How did you and your father collaborate to help keep the crops alive at that time? How was it done and was it effective? That is an area where you can clearly show a contribution on your part, at the earliest point in the discussion. It shows the foundation of your interest and your ability to analyze, problem solve, and implement. All within the requirements of the prompt. Do not separate the discussion points. Always connect the interest you have in irrigation in a smooth discussion composed of several paragraphs. The death of your father is a secondary discussion point that can be placed towards the end of the essay.

Scholarship / Autobiography to apply scholarship study abroad [5]

The essay presentation is all over the place. It does not have a clear direction in each paragraph. The words written are in English but the sentences barely make any sense to the reader. I am not sure what the prompt requirements are for this essay because you did not upload the writing instructions with this essay. I should have gotten an idea of what you were supposed to be discussing from the actual essay that you wrote. The problem is, your thought process is in Vietnamese, translated word for word to English. So a lot of the actual meaning got lost in translation. You need to seek professional editing help for this essay. I cannot advise you on the open forum about how to correct this. You have to contact me privately for that.

Scholarship / AAS Scholarship Master of Commerce; Data Analyst for business, Digital Transformation Specialization [5]

Are you certain that you do not want to present a back up university with your statement? Only if you are sure that your credentials will be enough to assure you of a scholarship spot at your single choice university should you write such a statement of certainty. Having a back up course and university never hurt any of the applicants since it gives them 2 channels by which they might win the scholarship, and some of them still do not get the scholarship. Consider that before you decide to use only a single university reference for your statement.

Are you trying to insult the reviewer? Why are you telling him where the university is located? Remove that reference statement, including the business center reference. Those are condescending references that will not do you any favors in the application process. That whole second paragraph is too patronizing in tone. Change it to a more humble one. It is your privilege to be considered for the scholarship, not the other way around.

Writing Feedback / NZ International businesses - Is this a well thought out Introduction and Thesis Statement [2]

You cannot jump from first to last without representing the discussion topics in between. You have the right idea, an over extended idea, but not enough of a thesis statement or personal abstract idea to represent the discussion flow of your research paper. I would not go with a century reference in this presentation. Globalisation is happening year on year so maybe, do with decades as a time description instead? Also, Maybe refer to a history of globalisation in New Zealand as part of the study? If you can present the history of globalisation in the country and the need for it to continue to grow as a part of the thesis statement, then you should develop a better thesis statement.

Scholarship / Master in Local Government - How will the proposed course will contribute to your career? [4]

Since this is for the AAS, you will need to revise you presentation to offer a first and second choice university. That is, a primary interest and back up interest university in case you do not qualify for your first choice. Your information in this essay is related only to your primary choice university. It is best if you revise the essay by doing more research on a second choice and university.

Use the second course choice in the same manner. Make sure that is still applies to your professional qualifications albeit in a different way than your first choice university. It is important to have a secondary choice so that you can increase your chances of being considered for the scholarship.

Not all students will win the scholarship based on their primary choice university. Some get in based on the second choice decision of the review committee. That is, if all your other qualifying documents are approved by the scholarship committee.

Graduate / Learning Korean - GKS - Statement of Purpose - Language Study Plan [2]

The language study plan is normally responded to within 1-2 paragraphs that immediately outline the pre-Korea and post-Korea language learning plans. This is not an over discussed study plan that takes over a whole page because there are other discussion requirements to be considered, in addition to languages, as a part of the normal Statement of Purpose plans. These include languages and goal of study plans.

This discussion is too long, keep it short, summarized, but informative. You do not need extremely long introductory paragraphs or over extended discussions. Just start immediately with your pre-arrival language study plans as you are currently practicing. Then immediately move into the post - arrival study plans. Paragraphs 2 and 4 contain the basic responses to the prompt, as required. The response you wrote in paragraph 3 should be merged into a short form within paragraph 2 as it relates to the same discussion focus.

Use paragraphs 2 and 4 to create a more interesting and directed response to the question. Why do you have to keep the language study short? So that you can follow the discussion format as required for your goal of study on the same page.

Writing Feedback / Self-employment became popular among the majority of people. Why is that? [6]

You have the right approach to the prompt restatement. Even the thesis statements provided are right on point with the discussion questions. However, there are portions in your reasoning paragraphs when it seems like you are transliterating in the sentence presentation, causing confusion for the reader when it comes to understanding the meaning of the sentence and its overall application in the paragraph. Perhaps you are thinking in Bhasa and translating it word for word to English? That is normally what students do, which results in the confusing sentence presentation. Always try to think and write in English, no matter how difficult it may be for you because that is the only way to get used to properly thinking and writing in English.

In the concluding paragraph, you used a run on sentence in the presentation when, due to the differing discussion points, you should have used at least 3 sentences for the presentation:

- Restated topic
- restated reason
- restated disadvantage

A run-on sentence confuses the reader. You need to make sure that you are not doing that by allowing the readers to pause while reading your presentation. That allows for clarity in the understanding of the summary paragraph. By the way, you have a problem with timeline references in the essay, learn how to use the past, present, and future tenses, along with its variations for future reference and better GRA scoring.

Writing Feedback / Some are born with talents. Some are not. But an appropriate approach can help. [2]

You have an almost perfect presentation here. The only problem, is that you used your personal opinion as a concluding paragraph rather than presenting it as a required third reasoning paragraph, with the summary conclusion presented after. You have actually written just enough words and avoided enough errors to create a well developed essay, were it not only for the error in the concluding paragraph.

In terms of GRA consideration, you mistakenly used the connecting words "Because" and "But" at the start of the sentences in the first reasoning paragraphs. The English grammar rules state that conjunctions cannot be used at the start of a sentence due to the very purpose of the word. Conjunctions are used only to connect 2 discussion points, that would otherwise we separated, in a sentence. Since that is not the situation upon which the words were used, these will result in GRA point deductions for you.

Graduate / GKS-G Korean Scholarship | Personal Statement | M.S. Public Policy (Environment/Green Development) [3]

The Korean government scholarship program is an international scholarship. It is actually open to all foreign nationals. It is not open to Korean citizens / students currently living in Korea. From the presentation that you have, it appears that you are disqualified from the scholarship because your parents were born in Korea along with your own birth, education, and living situation that refers to you being in Korea at the moment. Therefore, you are not qualified to apply for this scholarship. You have not referred to being any of the following in the personal statement, which would qualify you for consideration as a candidate for the program:

Proof of Korean War Veteran‟s Descendant (ONLY for descendants of Korean War Veterans)
Proof of Overseas Korean Document / Proof of Korean (Adoptee Document ONLY for overseas Korean or Korean adoptees)
Proof of Korean Citizenship Renunciation Document (ONLY for previous Korean citizenship holders)

Unless you can revise the essay to prove you are not a Korean national or, that you are a Korean foreigner, you will not qualify under any of the aforementioned references for yourself. I am afraid that you do not qualify for consideration under this program.

Graduate / GKS-G Global Korean Scolarship | Personal Statement | Ph.D. in Cybersecurity [2]

The last paragraph is too long. You need to break that into 3 more parts based on the discussion topics. Additionally, the motivation / goals by which you apply for the course is not very solid. It is too simple a discussion and does not reflect the focal point of your career as an academic researcher for this profession. Why is your research important? How does Korea fit into the picture? Why should the reviewer believe that your motivation can only be served by a Korean education in that field? How do you justify your credentials as being one that makes you a solid contender for the scholarship?

The presentation sounds more like you are applying for a job in a casual manner rather than a serious academic application focused on professional development and contribution to the field. It is important that you reflect on your motivation for the course and create a stronger, more convincing professional application for it. As of now, you have a better chance at getting a job, than convincing the scholarship reviewer that you have the potential to be an excellent student based on your professional goals. It isn't just about research and writing articles, it is about the application of what you will be learning in the actual field. What will you be focusing on and why?

Writing Feedback / Topic: Some people believe that children are required to obey the rules of their parents and teacher [2]

A prompt restatement is always helped by a clear opinion being presented at the end of the final thesis statement of the paragraph. In your version, you merely repeated the discussion instruction, but did not really offer a clear opinion on your end. If you recall, one of the scoring considerations of the TA section is a clear opinion coming from the writer. Since you already restated the prompt discussion topics in the first sentence, you should have delivered a clear thesis by saying something to the effect of:

Based on the reasons that support each opinion, I developed the point of view that...
The public opinion supporting the idea that...
However, others consider that.....
Due to my personal belief that... my opinion is that...

Using the above format will allow you to use the general discussion with third party pronouns effectively, while strongly supporting your personal opinion with first person pronouns as well.

By the way, "one" is singular in reference so you cannot use the plural word "hands". Your reasoning paragraphs are not very well explained. There is a confusion as to the statement you are making based on sentence structural issues and proper, clear, and understandable explanations. Focus less on the vocabulary and more on the reasons per paragraph. You can give all the opinions you want per paragraph, if you do not explain the reasoning behind the opinion, then nothing will come of your statement. Consider using the following format next time:

Sentence 1: Topic sentence (combining the opinion for teachers and parents or the opposing argument
Sentence 2: Explanation for teachers
Sentence 3: Explanation for parents
Sentence 4: Example to support your explanations
Sentence 5: Transition sentence

The above format will work for either reasoning paragraph presentation. Remember, clarity is more important that word count. As long as you write at least 275 words, you will be sure that you have written an understandable paragraph per presentation. Your opinion must be developed as a full paragraph with the same format as I presented above. In this presentation, you did not explain your opinion fully, which means there will be point deductions for under developed paragraph presentations.

Writing Feedback / Universities should focus on specialist subject - this is a much better choice. IELTS Writing task 2 [5]

A thought is not the same as an argument. By definition:

Thought - a consideration or reflection

Argument - an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention;

Considering the meaning of the individual words, it is incorrect to frame the discussion of the opposing thought as an argument. While there is a disagreement, the use of the word "thought" in the original presentation indicates an opinion, not a verbal tussle. Make sure to use the correct synonym for the keywords so as to show a proper LR development on your part. Word meaning plays a large role in your English comprehension skills consideration and LR scoring.

The question posed is an extent essay ( I partly agree, I fully disagree) but you responded with only a personal opinion, completely ignoring the original discussion instruction and reasoning format requirement of the original prompt. You do have a clear opinion presented in the thesis sentence. However, you did not properly respond to the extent question before filling in the blanks for the reasoning thesis requirement. So you will lose points for that in the scoring process.

Since the concluding summary is less than 40 words or 2 sentences, then you will not be gaining additional points for your concluding presentation. Just additional point deductions which, when added to the other deductions you will receive as per each scoring consideration, will result in a non passing score for your test. Make sure to understand what the discussion format is and respond properly. Accurately summarize the discussion in the concluding paragraph. Avoiding these 2 major errors can help lessen the scoring deductions applied to your final score.

Scholarship / What aspect of your leadership you consider to be effective, how you solve problems in organisation? [2]

The only useful paragraph in this presentation is the second paragraph. So retain that for your revised response. For the second paragraph, explain what leadership role you played as the assistant commissioner and what you did ( pronoun I not they) or contributed that helped to solve the challenge while implementing change and reform in the area. Your third paragraph removes the focus from you and gives the solution to the group. The question pertains to YOU so the explanation you gave was incorrect. Focus on your useful contributions that were accepted into the overall collective ideas, which led to a final resolution to the problem. Highlight on your participation with the group, how it was received and how its final implementation went or was developed to help the group cause.

Scholarship / Why I decided to take up science? Bachelor of Engineering or Bachelor of Aviation [3]

Your course choices are based mostly on researched data. That means, the explanation lacks passion and true interest based on a properly developed interest or early skills development. You are focused on filling an employment need for female representation more than actually having a believable and verifiable dream or ambition to work in either field. Sure statistics and job opportunities in particular fields of STEM, specially for women, are opening up. However, these are opening to women with a true passion and desire to be trailblazers in that field. There is no sense of that in your essay. Beyond researched information, the essay presents no passionate reasons, aspirations, ambitions, or references that would ensure you would complete either course of your choice as a student in Australia.

Scholarship / Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*? AAS; Crawford School of Public Policy [4]

The choice of course and university are not based on your investigative and correspondence skills. Those are not reasons and methods by which you chose the course and university. All the other students did that in order to find a university in Australia to apply to. The course choice will rely on your professional needs, goals, and aspirations, for each course you have chosen. The university choice, is based upon your academic goals and required by your current skillset requirement on the job. You failed to acknowledge these considerations in the essay, which is why the overall presentation does not work. It does not have a forward thinking and professional application representation that can convince the reviewer that you deserve to study in Australia on a scholarship.

Scholarship / Motivation Statement for AAS - applying for a master degree in Public Health [8]

Remove the phrase "On second thought". By using that phrase, you are saying that you were not interested in the University of Melbourne but then changed your mind. Making that second choice university weak and irrelevant. The phrase makes it sound like you did not have a choice so you chose that university as a second stringer. Never make either university sound like a "no other option" choice. You never know which university you might end up in or, if your wording might make you lose out on the scholarship because you seem disinterested in your second choice university. Try to find a real time application for the second course choice as you did in the first choice. That way the reviewer will know about the other needs of Indonesia that you hope to address with this second course choice, if need be.

Graduate / Personal Statement for M.Eng. Mechanical Engineering at University of Alberta [2]

The ideal SOP presentation has a maximum word count of 750 words. I find this essay to be extremely wordy. You need to be more direct in your discussion presentations and try to focus only on the important elements. By keeping this essay to about 500-600 words, the reviewer will find it easier to keep track of what you want to say and why it is important to you and how it applies to your future career.

The influence of your father can be removed because that is more a part of the personal statement or statement of interest essay. That has no bearing on your future professional goals. The reason for repeating a class is also irrelevant at this time since you are already a professional and it is your professional training and experience that matters more. You should only prove that you have an academic foundation that can help you participate as a student in the masters course.

Writing Feedback / Future people will not buy printed newspaper or books, they will read everything they want online [3]

You do not need to use trigger words like "often argued" because the presentation is that of a idea, not a debate or fight. Always strive to reflect the original sentiment of the prompt instead of creating sensationalist statements that may alter the original presentation ideas. Additionally, you have to make sure that you do not use any original part of the prompt such as:


This represents a cut and paste statement which will definitely lower your starting TA score. You have to prove your English comprehension and synonym usage skills by being able to restate the discussion elements without any word repetitions from the original.

Avoid using words of uncertainty in the presentation such as "I think" because you need to be sure of your opinion. Even if you only party agree with the statement, you should be able to do so with conviction and use of academic words. The use of "shortcuts without meaning" such as "etc." are not used in an academic presentation. Use of such reference words will not help increase the LR score, even when used properly because it is not part of the academic writing set.

In the concluding paragraph, you do not need to say "in my opinion" since it is a wrap up paragraph. Instead, refer to "All things considered" or "In the end..." By the way, you will receive further TA deductions for cutting and pasting the original prompt discussion portions once again. You already know why you should not do that. Do not use connecting words such as "but" to start a sentence since there is no previous idea to connect in the new sentence. Overall, the numerous errors in this presentation will assure you of a failing score in an actual test setting.

Writing Feedback / In some parts of the world it is becoming popular to research the history of one's own family [2]

There is an unnecessary discussion point in your restatement. The part about the main reasons why people would spare no expense in tracing their family tree is a prompt deviation and adds a discussion point that alters the overall original theme. The only discussion point to be presented here are 2 reasons based on your positive or negative support for this topic. Therefore, your essay will only be scored on the aspects that discuss the negative impact since that is the actual discussion point.

Sadly, the presentation of a prompt deviation topic will mean that your essay will go down in word count. From the current 305 words, a whole paragraph presentation will be removed. The reasoning paragraph that discusses why the people would want to look into their family tree. There will only 187 words left from the original 250 requirement. You are under the word count, you do not have a properly formatted response essay, and there are several other errors in your writing presentation. The end result? A failed task presentation test.

Stick to the discussion topic, do not add your own discussion points. If you do not understand the practice prompt, ask questions. You need to make sure that your English comprehension skills are good enough to help you understand the test questions once you take the test. Right now, it is obvious you have a problem with that. So work on that first.

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay: History - a concept, theory, or topic you have explored. [2]

You told the reviewer what topic is of interest to you. It was explained quite well. The reason you were intrigued by it definitely resonates in these modern female empowerment times. You have shown a keen interest in the topic and the degree by which you have learned about it. These are the positive aspects of your response development. However, you will need to revise the overall presentation because you totally missed out on the last part of the prompt, which is "How do you want to explore it further?" That means, as a student at the university, what activities, reading materials, research, or related explorative study or activities do you hope to participate in to further feed your interest in women's rights? Why is it important to you that you continue to pursue this interest? What else is there left for you to explore and why?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH POLITICAL ACTIONS TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING [6]

When I have given the student advice twice for their essays and I do not see any improvement in the writing format and content, I tend to ignore the student's succeeding posts as it is obvious that the student is not listening to me. That is the case with your essay. I keep telling you not to affirm anything in the opening paraphrase and yet you continue to do so, even after I saw you tell a fellow student not to do that before you posted this essay. That gave me hope that you actually were listening to me, then you went and "admitted" something that you were not being asked to admit in this essay. What am I to think? You say one thing, then go and do another. Why should I waste my time continuing to advise you then when there are other students, who actually listen to me, that I can spend that time helping improve because they listen to me.

Your prompt restatement does not clearly indicate a thesis response that shows what questions you are responding to. There are only 2 reasons provided. However, this is a problem-solution essay, based on the title that you used for it. What government solutions might be enacted? You failed to provide that in the second reasoning paragraph.

Had you provided the original prompt, which is a requirement at this forum, I could offer you more relevant advice. I will do that next time. Provided you supply the original prompt and stop making the same mistakes in your presentation. Otherwise, this will be the last piece of advice you will receive from me.

Writing Feedback / SHOW HOW THE WORLD HAS CHANGED SINCE THE INVENTION OF THE MOBILE PHONE [2]

If I am right and the original prompt of this essay was based on how people's interaction has changed because of technology, then your overall approach to the discussion is incorrect.. Due to the lack of original prompt presentation, I am using the prompt that I know is normally used for this discussion. As such, this essay would, in an actual test, not get a passing score. Why? The discussion went from how technology has influence the way people interact to how the world has changed since the mobile phone was invented. You have also used a comparative essay to discuss the topic when the prompt requirement asked you to decide if this was a positive or negative development. The word "or" creates the singular opinion presentation in the discussion. This is not comparative. There is no clear opinion based on the original prompt because you chose to side with both discussion points. There is no clarity when it comes to the opinion that you actually support. There is nothing in this presentation that follows the dictates of the original prompt and thus, cannot receive a passing score.

If this prompt is based on one that specifically focused on the mobile phone, then you should have supplied the prompt for a more accurate review. Kindly remember to provide the prompt next time. That way I will not have to guess what the prompt is and I would be able to offer you relevant writing advice for the topic you were asked to write about.

Letters / Study plan for Canada Study Permit. Canada - people from around the globe are welcomed there [2]

There is a need for you to address your thesis as a part of your study plan. Since you are studying this specific course3 in Canada to help improve the field in your home country, you have to give a deeper insight as to how the course will help you upon your return. It should indicate that you were not only in discussion to fulfill a vacancy in the field, but to become a better professional through career advancement. You are not clear as to what sort of career is waiting for you upon your return. There needs to be a solid job offer waiting at the end because your final paragraph, the reasons for returning to your home country, does not include a strong and verifiable reason for your return. The two apartments are not really a convincing reason for your return as those can be sold to help your stay in Canada. There are no children or spouses indicated either. Build your professional reason to return by presenting a relevant research thesis for your final year of study. This should be a progressive research beginning in your first academic year as a masters student.

Writing Feedback / The line chart below shows the percentage of Internet users in 3 countries from 1999 to 2009 [2]


- What kind of graph? Be specific. The reader cannot see the image. Show your familiarity with the different kinds of measurement images by properly identifying the graph. It is a bar graph? A line graph? What?


- Which are? You have to specify the countries as a part of the summarized information. These will help the reader understand what upcoming discussion information should be noted. These are the information that your report will actually focus on, so informing the reader beforehand will be helpful to your score.


- What do you mean? This can be either a positive or negative depending upon how you structure the sentence. The information in that presentation is incomplete. Tell the reader how the information broke away.

Good work on the estimation of percentages between Mexico and Canada. You showed that you analyzed the information and considered the possible measurement ranges for both countries.


- An estimation of the threefold digits would have helped deliver more specific information to the reader who, at this point, has no idea what the threefold measurement might be.

Writing Feedback / New technologies and ways of buying and selling are transforming the lives of consumers [3]

391 words is considered over writing in a task 2 essay. It shows that you are focused only on writing, but not on the clarity of the meaning you hope to provide in the discussion. It tells the examiner that you did not care about writing an essay with limited errors in the overall presentation. You hope to overcome the errors through an extremely long essay, which did the exact opposite. It forced you to make errors that you were not able to correct because you simply did not have enough time to do that due to the number of words that you wrote.

Keep it simple. No more than 5 sentences per paragraph. Give a quick and clear explanation. You are not writing an article for publication. You don't have to overdo the writing task. Just do enough to make sure that you pass the test. That is done by limiting your presentation to 275-300 words.

You did not even manage to respond properly to the question provided. This is an extent essay. So, where is the measured response? You wrote this as a simple agree or disagree essay when it should have been "to a certain extent" based on 2 reasons of your choice. There is no thesis statement included in the prompt restatement. Which is a requirement for the task completion. Simply sating you will amplify an argument with evidence doesn't tell the reviewer a summary of the upcoming discussion. So your opinion, though indicated, lacks basis.

Undergraduate / First time I wrote an essay - Questbridge: An experience that caused you to change your perspective [2]

It is not a "poor me" essay. Rather, it is a self-analysis that shows the reviewer how far you have come in terms of realizing your academic potential. Your ability to analyze that not everything has to be perfect and that it is alright to fail yourself once in a while, indicates an emotional maturity that should be developed in incoming college freshmen. It is a pretty good response statement. You effectively showed where you came from and where you are headed from there. Changing your perspective about your life accomplishments and how these are achieved on your part is an unusual response to this statement. It works because of the topic you chose to discuss.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 - the oil production and consumption in China between 1982 to 2006 [2]

You still have room to make the report more informative. You have only written 169 words. The target word count, for a full potential scoring consideration, is 175 - 200 words. While you did write more than the minimum 150, that does not mean that you met the requirements for a higher scoring essay. There are still points for improvement in this presentation . Please note my observations below:

Par. 1 - Summary overview
- type of measurement used (millions of barrels per day)

Par. 2: 1st Reasoning paragraph
-You should skip saying "As can be observed from the chart" because the idea is the reader cannot see the image. You need to build the image through the data reporting. Skipping this sentence and simply stating the information directly would have helped create a better mental picture of your report.

Par. 3: 2nd Reasoning Paragraph
- Before you report on the peak, you have to indicate the starting demand rate first. The report is incomplete when you give only the peak without a reference to the low point first. The same goes for the minimal and moderate growth, the measurement digits are provided in the image, use it. That is why you were supplied with the information.

Scholarship / STUNED ESSAY. MSc of International Land and Water Management at WUR [3]

The first sentence of the first paragraph is just redundant. The second sentence offered a better hook to the reader. Your core competency considerations should have been immediately presented to help the reviewer get a better idea or a summarized reference of what your professional goals are and how it may be applied to your field of interest. The first paragraph could have been shorter and more focused in presentation.

The second paragraph became a redundancy in the presentation due to the over informed first paragraph. The second paragraph had more clarity, direction, and relevance to the prompts provided. Offering all information in an essay, when you may run the risk of redundancy should be avoided, repeated information, no matter how unintentional in presentation does not help the essay move forward.


- Who is establishing it and why?


- Show don't tell. What evidence can you refer to that will help validate this claim? Do not make the reviewer look for the evidence, present it as a part of the discussion. He doesn't have the time to review your credentials just because you told him you have those credentials in your records.


- This should have been the secondary focus of your qualification for your scholarship. It should not have been a mentioned after thought, it should have been expanded to include the reasons you were approved for that scholarship, what the results were for you, and how you applied what you learned. These would have tied in your previous scholarship accomplishments into the new application as qualifying reasons.

Writing Feedback / Discuss both views: joining university or leave school to get a job [4]

Good work in avoiding the presentation of a personal opinion at the start of the essay. Bad job in posing a rhetorical question in the concluding paragraph. While you did not make a decision for the student, you did open up a second line of discussion in the concluding paragraph rather than a summary of the discussion. There was no need for the rhetorical question as the discussion was supposed to be close in that paragraph. Never pose question in the concluding discussion. That is unnecessary. Just repeat the topic as a statement, which is what you are supposed to be presenting in that section.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 - Safety condition of endangered plants and their different living places [2]

For starters, you are not writing enough words to merit a high TA score. While the minimum word count is 150, you should be writing anywhere from 175-200 words to assist in boosting your overall scoring consideration. The increased word count will help increase your LR, C&C, and GRA scores.You are averaging 2 sentences per paragraph. Write at least 5 sentences per paragraph to boost your score in the scoring section.

Your LR also shows a problem. You are using words you do not understand the meaning of. For example:

Commerce - an interchange of goods or commodities, especially on a large scale between different countries; social relations, especially the exchange of views, attitudes, etc.

Commence - to begin; start.

It is the latter word you want to use in the presentation.

The summary presentation is not really complete. It lacks the outline or enumeration of the threatened species and a trending statement for each image. As such, the summary accuracy is not going to help you get a better TA score. These are the most likely reasons why your score never goes higher than a simple passing mark. Improve on these points and your score is sure to get a consideration boost.

Writing Feedback / Usage of margarine, butter, low fat and reduced spreads - IELTS TEST [2]


- Ending when? The information is incomplete. The summary must include the start and end date of the measurement chart. Otherwise, the information presented is incomplete. It is only a year you have to include, always include it. The reader needs to be told when it ended. They should not be expected to compute it for you. They will lose their train of thought and be stressed by the information presented. By the way, you forgot to include the reference to the measurements used in the summary (grams). That is part of the short information presentation requirement and adds to your TA score.

I am not sure where you got the information about putting these spreads on bread. There is no indicator of that in the image presented. If no reference to such was made in the original image, then you should not be providing such inaccurate information to the reader. Keep the reference general because that is what you need to present, no added information that will alter the accuracy of your report. If it was included in the original prompt, then you should have included the original prompt with the image for my reference.

Writing Feedback / An argument about whether the country should be the host for a worldwide sports event or not [3]


- There is no reference to an argument in the presentation. There is however, a reference to an exchange of ideas or discussion. Do not make exaggerate claims not supported by the original presentation.


- Improper thesis presentation. This presentation does not align itself with the original comparative discussion + personal opinion prompt
- TA failure due to incorrect response formatting and a response not related to the task

The overall essay only presents your personal discussion, which means that you have changed this from comparative to a totally different essay discussion. The format you decided to respond in, is based on the A/D format rather than the comparative essay format. So the response is incorrect in totality. You were being asked to compare the 2 opinions, which you did not do in a public point of view reference, hence the error in response presentation. You have only a personal opinion presented throughout. This is a 5 paragraph essay, you only wrote 4. There is no clear:

- Paragraph in support based on public knowledge
- Paragraph in opposition based on public knowledge

The personal opinion is not fully developed as there are 2 supporting ideas in the same paragraph. You need only 1 personal opinion topic in this presentation to establish a clear opinion based on personal knowledge.

Undergraduate / Business Management course - STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR UNIVERSITY PROGRAM AND SCHOLARSHIP [3]

The statement of purpose does include your future professional, not study, plan, based on a presentation of your undergraduate accomplishments, achievements, and research interests. Your professional plans should relate back to your educational background, past and current work experience (research activities if required), and how these have led you to the door of your current interest in this masters course. It should also indicate why you have chosen a particular university (if needed). I do not get a sense of these preparations in your SOP discussion. Since you did not provide me with the prompt requirements as provided by the scholarship program, I am not sure about assessing these information you provided for relevance. It sounds to me like you just guessed as to what information you should be presenting. That should not be the case for the SOP. If no guide topics were provided, you can use the references I gave above for the writing of your new SOP.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows UK acid rain emissions, measured in million tonnes from four different sectors [5]

Too many words. 205 words is geared towards the completion of a Task 2 essay. You should only write about 175-200 words for a better task 1 scoring potential. Your summary overview has a unique take on the information presentation. It shows that you know what exactly is included in the summary overview, and how to present it in an interesting manner to the reader. However, the most impressive trending statement was in the "overall" sentence. The "enormous change" reference isn't as impressive because there were no measurements given. To avoid having to present measurements for that sentence, it should have been better integrated into the "overall" presentation.

For comparison purposes, you may want to consider presenting the overlapping information, of which there are several in this graph. That will show a clear analysis of the presentation and, that you considered all possible discussion aspects and information presentation for this line graph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Discussion - The effects of international tourism to local countries [2]

Good work on the 2 restatement sentences. You covered the interpretation excellently. However, the need for the thesis statement is required. The thesis statement, one reason for each discussion + your opinion would have created a clear discussion path and personal opinion thesis for the presentation. Do not waste the word count with filler phrases like "To commence with" and "On the contradistinction". You get better scores by using a clear topic sentence in each paragraph as it shows a clear discussion path for the paragraph going forward. It allows the examiner to expect the discussion content with a clear reference to the original prompt discussion requirements.

I realize that you want to impress the examiner by using complicated English words such as "contradistinction". However, when the word you use is only impressive, but not really fitting in the presentation, then the LR score is affected negatively. You can use ordinary, everyday English words and still get an impressive LR score. The word you use has to sound natural. It needs to show that you are familiar with the English language. Not that you know how to use a thesaurus or a dictionary. Do not be out to impress, be out to score well. Simple word references are not a bad thing, specially in this type of test.

Scholarship / Gender Gaps in the Workplace (AAS Supporting Statement) [3]

Believe me when I tell you that the reviewers this year are Covid-19 saturated. Every applicant has been using that topic and forcing a relation to their application response to it. As if Covid - 19 is the only valid reason to try and accomplish or have something influenced these days. They are tired of that constant reference, that constant reason, that common topic. It no longer helps an application to build a statement around that because it is already a run of the mill excuse / topic. Use of personal reasons, the topics that do not relate to the pandemic and shows a clear interest, rather than just jumping on the bandwagon on the applicant's part is what makes an impression these days. By using only the combined course and university reference paragraphs, you have managed to create an interesting discussion of the course and proposed institution. What you need, it a more impressive, more personal, more multi-dimensional presentation of your interest in the career path. Right now, you lack that impressive opening paragraph. There is no interesting hook, only a tired Covid - 19 reference that is not really connected to the interests that you have. Focus on Work from Home, consider the return to work in an office space scenario for your opening statement. Show that you know there will be a new normal in the workplace and that you are preparing for that instead.

Graduate / Why becoming a GOI-IES Scholar matters to you, what you'll gain from this scholarship? [2]

This is actually an ordinary essay that does not have any stand out points or references that could catch the attention of the reviewer. Neither does it have points of memorable reference. The writing is not memorable at all. It is too common and general in information presentation. It is important that you use reference points and responses that focus on heightening your personal, professional, and bilateral relationships based on specific standing and reference points. Think of information about you on a personal and professional basis that might impress the reviewer. Discuss the currwnt bilateral relations of the countries with a specific focus on your field of study or profession that you hope to build upon to improve the relationship between nations and, on a personal level, of its citizens.