Research Papers / Veganism: Humanity's Ascension [3]

I am confused about the actual focus if this paper. Are you trying to convince the reader that veganism is the best alternative to carnism and vegetarianism? If so, then the essay should be focused on a comparative discussion of each, and what makes the other 2 the more unacceptable option.

The essay is not well outlined. There is a lack of connected and continuing discussion topics in the paragraphs. I think this was caused by the lack of focus on proper topics and sub-topics during the research outline phase. You need to reoutline your discussion. This time focusing only on the comparative discussions for each type of diet.

As a research paper, you should not be using ang personal reference points in the opinion or presentation sections. That removes the objectiveness of the presentation. It becomes slanted towards a particular point of view instead.

Based on the basic requirements for the thesis presentation, it is important that your thesis statement not include any citations yet. That is because you are expected to simply propose the topic, based on a general discussion.

Try to vary your quotes within the paper. Change up the style depending upon the paper writing style. Are you using MLA or APA for this presentation? Use a balanced mix of in-text citations, paraphrasing, and block style quotes so bring more creativity to the format of the presentation. The current style tends to get repetitive and boring for the reader.

Scholarship / Australia Award Scholarship - Marketing Communications in Melbourne University. [4]

First if all, your vocabulary is problematic. The reviewer will be highly irritated by your lack of proper English word usage. Stop saying "purposed", replace all those words with "proposed". Purpose refers to the reason while proposed means to suggest or seek approval for. See the difference?

The essay itself seems to be excitedly written without a clear focus. Is the company you are working for called Startup or or will you be setting up a start up company? Again, that is not clear in the essay and creates a point of confusion for the reviewer. If you are creating a start up, clarify that and refer to it in a descriptive rather than noun form. That means, stop capitalizing the reference to the term.

Your essay contains personal opinion discussions which the reviewer will not care about. Instead, it adds to the lack of qualification of your essay. Focus only on the purpose which are:

- I believe the purposed study contributes ...this dynamic profession.

- By taking master ... I finish the study.

End of the essay. These are the only purposes required for your response. Develop these 2 discussions, no more, no less.

Writing Feedback / The birth rate in New Zealand has been much higher than the death rate from 1901 to the present time [3]

You will not get a passing score for this essay because your summary overview is not only incomplete, it is also a direct cut and paste of the original topic description from the original prompt. As such, this will be a memorized presentation which will result in a TA score of 0. You must address the summary overview properly with:

- An explanation of the graph information presented based on your own understanding of the data keywords ( prompt paraphrase)
- A description of the image type
- Measurement indicator (thousands)
- Trending statement

Watch out for the way to format your sentences. Never use lowercase letters to kick off a sentence. That shows that you did not edit the essay before submitting. You merely wrote the essay without considering the quality of your presentation and with a total disregard for the scoring considerations / criteria. Your paragraphs are only run-on sentences, no complex sentences, not simple sentences. Long sentences are not the same as complex sentences. Exam takers often make that mistake when writing essays. The students who write sentences this way are seen as not really interested in passing the test. That is because the exam taker is making obvious and correctable errors, which they fail to correct before submitting the essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2 about migrating to urban areas (solution and problem essay) [4]

You have to remember to respond directly to the direct questions since this is a direct opinion essay. That means, the prompt paraphrase will be different from the other Task 2 essays. This time, rather than saving your opinion for the discussion paragraphs, you have to outline the discussion as a part of your opinion response in the prompt paraphrase. So the format for the response to this essay topic is:

- Paraphrase
- 2 connected difficulties
- 2 government solutions related to your connected difficulties

So, the discussion paragraph should present 2 connected problems. In your essay, you start with electricity then go on to pollution. That will not create a cohesive paragraph presentation. Nor will it be coherent because the topics you are discussing are unrelated. However, if you had discussed the cost of say, rent, then explained that the cost of utilities are also different between provincial and urban living, the 2 topics, properly explained and connected using a connecting sentence in the middle of the discussion paragraph, would create a cohesive and coherent paragraph in response to the question.

Your government solution paragraph is confusing to read because it is under developed. It is only a paragraph that presents ideas. That is where the problem lies. The ideas as not fully explained nor threshed out. It is important to limit this paragraph to also 2 connected government solutions which would be subsidized housing and subsidized transportation. By using the subsidized discussion for both, you create a connected explanation which will fully support any claims you previously made in the essay.

Be consisted in your writing. Remember the grammar rules: No sentence starts with a lowercase letter. No sentence starts with "and". The sentences always start with a capital letter. The word "and" is always used as a connecting word. It is meant to show the relationship and explain what appears to be 2 separate ideas or thoughts in one sentence. It provides pause and clarity in the sentence presentation.

Writing Feedback / Generation gap inevitably coexist with human life - IELTS Writing [2]

There are two ways that this essay can be discussed. Since you did not provide the original prompt ( a requirement for anybody posting on this site who wants a comprehensive review of their essay), and there are 2 types of prompts available for this essay, it will be best if I do not focus on the content, lest I give you the wrong advice. I'll focus on your grammar issues instead. Kindly remember to provide the original prompt / discussion instructions next time.

With 40 minutes to:
- Outline the discussion
- Draft the discussion
- Edit / revise the discussion
- Finalize the copy

there is no way that you will be able to write 327 words, even in a type written setting. Do not focus on the word count. More words usually assure a failed essay due to improper focus on just showing off the vocabulary instead of creating a comprehensive discussion to the examiner. That is all I will say about the format of this essay. The word count is not appropriate for the provided writing time. Now, on to the other problems.

Avoid using word fillers like "First of all". There is no sense in using phrases or words that will not move your explanation or opinion forward. Also, if you insist on using the numerical listing, you need to count out everything. You can't say "First of all" then "Another serious factor", which leads to "finally". It should be "First, second, third or finally".

Remember that this is an academic essay. So contractions are a big no-no. It is never written using casual English spelling. Always use the formal presentation such as "Do not" instead of "don't". Descriptive adjectives will also help your essay score better in terms of LR representation and GRA presentations. For example, instead of saying "different times", you could opt to say, "various times", "separate times", or "contrasting times" instead. It is more imaginative and tells the examiner that you are capable of using intermediate level English words which can help boost your sentence format to the complex level.

Writing Feedback / Preservation of tradition - IELTS argumentative essay [2]

The essay is short by 13 words. Coming in under the word requirement means you will receive heavy points penalties. The penalties will be based on the 13 words required to complete the 250 minimum word requirement. Now, just meeting the word requirement will not be enough to have to write above the requirement, but not too much that you end up focusing only on the word count instead o the quality of the discussion.

This is a direct opinion essay that asks:

- Is it important to keep our traditional ways of life?
- How can this be achieved

There are two things that you have to achieve in the first paragraph:

- The rephrasing of the given topic
- A direct response to the question (yes / no will suffice)
- A suggestion on how it can be achieved.

The last 2 lines should respond directly to the questions with:

- The conventional way of life needs to be upheld
- raise awareness about the loss of the traditions and suggest them the solutions

Unfortunately, you forgot to this in the first paragraph. Also, you did not directly respond to the given question in any aspect of the essay. This will tell the examiner that you are providing an incomplete response. An incomplete response will result in... you guessed it, scoring deductions. Always double check the original prompt against you draft essay. Make sure you respond directly to the questions and offer direct suggestions for solutions as required.

These problems with your essay are the main problem points that will result in notable points deductions which will result in a non-passing score.

Writing Feedback / Ielts General Writing Task 1: Making a complain on not charging phone cable [3]

Please remember to upload the instructions for the letter writing task. I am unable to review your essay from prompt responsiveness without it. Just the same, I will try to review the letter as you uploaded it.

When writing a letter to a company, give your complete name, the model of the phone, and include a reference to the procedure that you did which led to the discovery that the phone you bought was defective. Your second paragraph is confusing to read. It is improperly structured and does not allow the reader to get a clear idea as to what it is you are trying to say and what action you want the company to take in regards to your complaint.

You have to work on the clarity of the letter. You have to do more sentence formation exercises and spend more time on simply writing in English rather than using the Task 1 or 2 prompts immediately. You first need to learn to write in English sentences before you can move on to writing English essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Should a job be chosen based on salary? [3]

As a single opinion essay, your response will lose points for improper formatting. You have not presented a clear response / position on the given topic. Being an extent essay, you should only focus on defending one side of the discussion. This is not a C&C or A/D prompt. Only those two prompts allow you take a middle ground position in the discussion. In an extent essay, you must choose to defend only one side because, just like the other Dis/Agree essays, you are required to show your familiarity with the given discussion topic using only one point of view. You will not score more points for being undecided. You will lose points for it. Indecision has no place in the essay.

There is a reason you were told you show whether you agree or disagree. You were not asked "Why do you think both sides are correct?" Which is basically what you are discussing the essay. Which, is not related to the prompt discussion requirements. So expect to lose points heavily for your inability come to a decision regarding the question you were asked.

You should have outlined the essay before you wrote about it. Within the 5-10 minutes of outline time provided, you could have created 2 columns. One column represents the reasons you agree with the statement, the other, the disagreement reasons. Which ever column had more reasons would have been the stance you took in the essay. That is how you would have been able to create the proper response to the extent essay. Based on the number reasons you presented, you could have shown an emotional response in accordance with the discussion requirements.

Scholarship / MANAGEMENT - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR GKS 2021 [5]

This is not a personal statement that follows the information requirements for an undergraduate nor masters degree. Since i am not sure which of the two you are applying for, I cannot really give you a solid opinion as to how to improve this mess of an essay. You have to delete this essay in totality, regardless of which type of GKS application you are going for.

Go back to the prompt requirements. Read it, understand what you are being asked to write. Base your new essay on an understanding of the prompt information requirements. If you do not understand what the prompt is asking you to write about, then come back here and ask questions about how to best approach the essay. It would be better though if you first try to write a prompt responsive essay, post the essay here (informing me about whether it is an undergrad or Masters GKS application), then ask questions. That way I can help you better direct your response.

Right now, I cannot help you because I do not know what you are applying for. Properly advising you is just an impossibility because you failed to inform me about what sort of application you are creating (undergrad or masters).

Writing Feedback / Essay about the benefits and drawbacks about international travel [3]

There are several problems with this essay starting with the prompt paraphrase. You did not really reintroduce the given discussion topic in a manner that notes the original reasons for the discussion. The reasons being:

- enormous benefits to many places
- impact on the environment

So the essay focuses on the tourism aspect of the discussion. The reasoning paragraphs should have represented:

- The advantage of tourism to the country (One expanded topic sentence discussion)
- The disadvantage in terms of the impact on the environment of the country (One expanded topic discussion)

Focus on one reasoning topic per paragraph so that you can focus on the clarity of your explanation and score better because you will be able to properly connect the two discussion topics within the presentation. It isn't about the word count, it's about the kind of English explanation abilities you present in the essay. The discussion approach should have been a solid analysis of the tourism effect on your own country. That would have given you the strongest con and pro argument since you are living within the results of the aforementioned tourism scenarios. Just don't use personal pronouns and the essay would have been fantastic.

Exam takers often neglect to take note of the required discussion parameters in the essay. You failed to note that in this case, which is why you did not discuss the essay based on the suggested discussion format. by showing the examiner that you are discussing the essay based on the implied reasons and scenarios, you will prove your English comprehension abilities (ability to understand the discussion provided) and also, proper format the response to the full benefit of your individual scoring considerations.

Scholarship / Mechanical Engineerin - GKS 2020 Scholarship Study plan (Embassy track) [3]

The Goal of Study and Study Plan all relate to one thing. What will your masters thesis topic be about? The goal of your study is to learn new information or additional information regarding a specific area of your current profession. I believe your focus is on Mechanical Engineering in relation to automotive development right? So your Goal of Study should be to.... what? Develop a Nigerian made car that will be specific for Nigerian roads? What sort of motor would that be? How would be perform? What are the specs you have to develop to create the first Nigerian made car? Sure you have a background in automotive engineering because of your line of work. So where do you go from there? What is your study goal that will make your academic goal stand out? I gave you an example earlier in this paragraph, so develop an idea that is similar to that presentation.

As for the study plan, focus on the method by which you plan to develop your masters thesis. What sort of exposure will you need? An internship at Hyundai? A motor training program at Kia? How does the Korean automotive industry provide you with an opportunity to have a hands on education that will have a direct relationship with your masters thesis?

Consider that you will have to work in Korea after you complete your masters course. Where do you go from there? Your plans after study should cover the first 2 years after your graduation, then the next 2 years after you return to your home country. For the Korea plans, focus on getting a job at one of their automotive companies. Discuss how you will get the job and what you hope to contribute to the Korean automotive technology. Then, after 2 years, what will you do in Nigeria that will show how you will use what you learned in Korea to improve the car industry in Nigeria. Additionally, how will you continue to promote the GKS program in Nigeria upon your return.

You are not approaching the essay from a masters degree point of view. You sound too much like a high school student who has no idea what the scholarship requires of its applicants. With this kind of essay, I sincerely doubt you will be considered a serious candidate by the reviewer. Based upon your personal statement and this essay, you will not be a viable candidate. You will not make it to the next round of considerations unless you fix the content of both the essays you need to submit.

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of using personal electronic devices in learning [2]

This is supposed to be a discursive essay based on the A/D discussion. So why is your essay focused solely on the disadvantages of personal electronic devices in relation to learning? In paragraph 2, you said : exerting digital devices in learning may have some major disadvantages. Then in paragraph 3: although utilizing electronic devices in the domain of studying has several drawback. Both paragraphs open with a disadvantage topic. The correct presentation for paragraph 3 should have been:

On the other hand, they offer users a variety of benefits

There needs to be a clear representation of the 2 discussion methods. One topic sentence opens on a negative note, the next one, on a positive note. That way you deliver exactly what the prompt provides in a manner that is clear to the examiner. That means, the topic sentence should align with the discussion requirements of the original prompt instructions.

Never refer to research information in the essay. Bear in mind, you will not be able to do research at the testing center. If you read the information somewhere before, then frame it to sound like you knew of this information as a matter of public fact. As in : It is no secret that people check their gadgets up to 11 times in one day. Refrain from using any personal pronouns, but make it clear that the information is based on public knowledge, rather than researched information.

The essay is over discussed. You did not use an outline before you started writing. An outline, done usually within 5 minutes, helps you to keep the essay focused, gives you an easier time writing, and helps you to not over discuss the information to the point where the paragraph loses its topic connectivity and clarity. An outline should look like this:

- Topic sentence 1: The disadvantage of gadgets is fake news
- How easily is it accessed? Via search engines
- Why can't students tell the difference? All news sources look legitimate
- How can that be prevented? Learning to tell the difference

- Topic Sentence 2: Advantage is diverse source of information
- Why: More focused researched materials available
- How: Easily searched via search engines
- Why is this better? The information can be verified for accuracy

The conclusion should then:
- Repeat the topic
- Repeat a disadvantage
- Repeat an advantage
- Repeat why gadgets help with learning in closing

Your essay was almost on track. Try to review the other A/D essay samples at this forum. It should help you become familiar with how to properly write these types of essays by allowing you to learn from the past mistakes of other exam takers.

Undergraduate / "Why Do You Want To Attend a Service Acdemy?" Question(s) for Nomination [3]

Your essay is not impressive because all you are doing is telling the reviewer about what you believe are you applicable skills, values, talent, etc. Telling the reviewer about these character traits is one thing. Actually proving it is another. That is what you failed to do. You have not offered any proof to the reviewer regarding your embodiment of the military way of life and servicemen character traits.

For every trait you present, you need to follow-up with a convincing example to support your claim. Otherwise, you are just showing off to the reviewer, who will not be impressed by any part of the essay that you wrote. Remember, US military men are known as doers. You want to join the ranks of the movers and shakers in your country, so you have to make sure that, as a civilian, you have reference points in your life that will prove your mettle to be a future military man, regardless of which branch of the service you end up in.

Revise the essay to reflect both a character trait and a believable example of how you actually apply that trait in your life. Refer to community service, being an exemplary student who helps under achievers, Having the best interest of others at heart when in a dire situation, you know what I mean. You have to highlight the fact that you are practically a serviceman at this point, and you want to formalize it through the attendance of the service academy.

Writing Feedback / Children nowadays watch significantly more television than in the past, which reduces their activity [2]

If you review the prompt for this essay, you will notice that there is a direct question being asked towards the end of the prompt. That question requires a direct response in the essay. You have to provide 2 reasoning topics as the final 2 sentences of the prompt restatement. That given topics will provide the outline for your reasoning discussion. By approaching the essay in this manner, you will completely meet the formatting requirements for this particular essay presentation.

You should also be making reference to first person singular and first person group pronouns in your response paragraphs. This is because the essay instructs :

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

It is the last part of the evidence discussion that I want you to focus on during my explanation. Most tutors will tell you not to use personal pronouns in the test. This will make it extremely difficult for you to discuss topics when the instruction clearly requires the use of personal pronouns such as in the case of personal experiences. The reason is because these advanced discussion essay topics require you to prove your ability to write complex sentences, along with a proper representation of pronouns within. You will score better when you show that you are capable of writing properly formatted sentences, based on the actual topic writing instructions.

By the way, never say "this essay will discuss", "This essay proves", or any variation thereof in the presentation. These are part of the memorized phrases that examiners hate reading in exam essays. It irritates the examiner because the exam taker is not even trying to present an interesting sentence for them to read. These are the "easy out" phrases that cause damage to your final score.

Writing Feedback / Discuss about punishment which help children learn about the difference between right and wrong [2]

There is a formatting problem with your response essay. Based on the original prompt, it appears that the response outline for the paraphrase is:

- Topic
- Reason
- Extent response
- Type of parent punishment
- Type of teacher punishment

The direct questions asked in this prompt:

- To what extent do you agree to punish a kid to teach him/ her something important?

- What kind of punishment do you think parents and teachers can use?

Need to be responded to with a topic sentence, singular, that will help you outline your reasoning paragraphs discussions as:

- Explanation of your disagreement.It should be combined response for the punishments you experienced from your parents and teachers. Explanation can be based on your personal (first person pronoun singular usage) experiences and the outcome of such punishment on you as a child / person. The first person singular reference point is required because the questions ask what "YOU" think and what punishments "YOU" might suggest. When directly asked to respond, the first person reference is required as a part of your sentence structure presentation.

- Your suggested alternative punishment coming from parents
- Alternative punishment coming from teachers

After which, the conclusion should summarize the discussion with:
- Topic sentence
- Repeat your measured response
- alternative punishment 1
- alternative punishment 2
- Closing sentence

Your essay is not focused on the discussion. It is too scattered in presentation and omits certain discussion points that are required for the proper presentation of the discussion in your essay. Next time, make sure you appropriately respond to the prompt requirements. Make sure you respond per topic to the given discussion points.

Scholarship / Personal statement for GKS 2020 via embassy track (Msc. Mechanical Engineering) [3]

I am really disappointed with your essay. It not the kind that a GKS reviewer will even finish reading. You have not responded at all to the information requirements of the presentation. You were given a set of instructions to respond to in an essay format. Even with the guide questions, you failed to deliver the required information for this written interview. There is no real motivation, no educational background, no interest in Korea based on their automotive accomplishments (Hyundai, Kia, etc.), no forward thinking career goals in relation to your chosen course, and no reference to your research skills or interest in research. Nothing. This essay does not deliver on any required point of information and interest for the reviewer. I cannot even begin to tell you how to fix the essay because there is no currently existing information that I might be able to use. Do yourself a favor, review the prompt. Respond to the discussion instructions in an outline form first. That way you can compare the instruction with your written response. That is the only way that you will be able to create an essay that delivers the oral interview requirements. After you have responded to every aspect, then remove the questions and combine the paragraphs into a fluid essay. Just add transition or connecting sentences where needed to create a smooth read for the reviewer.

Scholarship / Love Accounting - What is your motivation to participate in our program? [2]

You are spending all of the essay enumerating your passions, listing your skills, and telling the reviewer about yourself, interests, and your beliefs. That is where the problem of this essay lies. You are just telling the reviewer, you are not showing the reviewer any justification for your claims through personal action, civic participation, academic excellence, or visible leadership traits. All of which should be included in the narrative because these should be a part of your motivation response. It should highlight who you are, based on the objectives, mission, or vision of the organization in relation to the students whom they sponsor for the scholarship.

How does a degree in Accountancy and your experience as an accountant make you a valid candidate for the scholarship? What part of your work exposure has required you to become a leader, convenor, or governor? Justify the applicability of your profession and skills with local governance. Your essay does not indicate anything that would even make the reviewer guess that you have such required skills. Focus less on telling and do more showing. That way the essay might portray you as a viable candidate for the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / The internet isolates us and encourages people not to socialise or just allows us to stay connected? [3]

Saying "To a certain extent, I..." Is considered a non answer in a Task 2 extent of dis/agreement essay. This is still a single opinion essay that is based upon the strength of your support for a particular side of the discussion. Since you did not even try to take a strong stance on the essay, and you changed the prompt from a single opinion discussion to a comparative essay format, you cannot expect to pass the test. Why? You just proved that you are not capable of following instructions, restating the original prompt discussion instruction, and you do not have the abilities required to form a solid opinion on a given topic. All of these reasons, added to the other grammar and sentence errors of the essay will show that you are not yet ready to study abroad in an English speaking academic institution.

Writing Feedback / My opinion about education development [3]

Somehow your opinion paper feels too short and uninformative. You wrote only 195 words when the standard academic writing minimum for an opinion essay is 250 words. I guess that is why the essay feels like it was rushed. You don't really expand on your topic presentations in the paragraphs. You just keep mentioning them without really making a solid, valid, and acceptable point. When you write an opinion essay, each paragraph needs to start with a topic sentence. After the topic sentence, you, as the writer, needs to work on reiterating the point you mentioned through expanded explanations, using valid examples, and properly referenced supporting discussions. Whenever applicable, a connecting transition sentence to help connect the current discussion with the next paragraph topic must be used.

You are also limited in your punctuation mark usage. You are using only 3 in this essay: the comma, period, and ellipses. Try to avoid using ellipses in academic writing. Those are usually reserved for speeches, creative writing, and informal writing. Try to use a variety like colons, semi-colons, and hyphens to name but a few that can help you develop better sentence presentations. Proper punctuation usage will also help you create more complex sentences in the future.

By the way, about your spelling in this essay. You spelled the word "enroll" using the American English reference. I believe you are practicing for the IELTS test so you need to learn the spelling differences between American and UK English. In UK English, the word is spelled "enrol", with a single L. Use more descriptive adjectives. When you say "... get a good job", the sentence comes across as flat and one dimensional. It is not interesting. However, if you said "... an excellent job..." then the sentence would have come to life because of the exciting description being used in the sentence.

Writing Feedback / Data on the yearly salary of doctors and other workers in seven nations in a particular year (2004) [2]

The forum has a single essay per thread policy. So your second posting in the same thread is scheduled for deletion. Do not make the mistake of posting 2 essays in one thread again, your account can and will be suspended if you continue to violate the forum rules. I will be reviewing your first posting in this instance, as per forum regulations.

Your presentation is not informative and is confusing to read. You have not fulfilled the requirements for a proper summary overview. You failed to mention the nations involved in the survey, the amount of money used in the measurements, and what the comparisons were based on. These are all part of the discussion outline that should have been provided in your summary overview.

Grammatically speaking you need to review your plural word references. When indicating workers, use are instead of is. Additionally. when you use an apostrophe S at the end of the word "worker's", you are indicating ownership. You were indicating the plural form of the word so you should have omitted the use of the apostrophe S at the end. That is a common mistake often made by ESL students. You need to review the rules about when to use an apostrophe S.

Your data reporting became faulty because you did not properly develop your presentation sentences. You must use estimated full figures, not just the amount differences. The reader needs to know the actual value, even if it is just an estimate.

When writing a series of related information, always remember to use the Oxford comma. Therefore: . The figures are $60,000, about $65,000 , and slightly over $60,000 respectively.

Book Reports / Essay about the suburbs and The Stepford Wives - [2]

Based on the given prompt, and owing to your extensive review of the book, the deep character studies, and the sources that support your claims, I believe that your essay is right on the mark. You have fulfilled the requirements of the prompt and then some. Personally, I have only seen both movie versions of the book so I found your analysis eye opening. I specially like the way that you managed to relate 21st century articles regarding feminism to the study of female empowerment in the 70's. You do not seem to be making any obvious mistakes in your writing. It never strayed from the discussion and always used relevant quotes from various sources. Your justification for the quotes or, the method by which the quotes justify your point of view works well in your analysis presentation. I do not see any need to revise any point of the essay at this point. It has a well developed discussion, defense, and conclusion. Good job.

Scholarship / The Rose That Grew From Concrete - QuestBridge Bio Essay [3]

Excellent work! This is a thousand times better than the McDonald's essay. This is what the reviewer wants to learn about. The nitty gritty story of your life that has helped to prepare to for college. The proof that you have the maturity to handle the stress of college studies and the pressure that comes with it. The fact that you have acted as a tutor in your family will definitely boost your credentials as a potential student who can be an asset to the student community and, will definitely know how to get along with even the most difficult person on campus. Your story is reflects success against the odds. Your story shows that regardless of the cards dealt to you by fate, if you refuse to be beaten by it, you will overcome all the trials that come your way. Definitely use this essay with your application. Don't delete the McDonald's essay though. Put a pin in it, just in case you come across a prompt that can use a revised version of that story.

Research Papers / Lifestyle Diseases: Shifting the Burden of Responsibility (Rough Draft) [3]

The opening statement is too in your face. It needs to be softened a little. Why not try to write a hook that will interest the reader first? You could kick off the presentation with an anecdote or a story about someone whom you know, you suffers from a lifestyle disease? Try to explain the illness in terms the reader can easily understand first, using examples from everyday life or life experiences of people that you know, or, and I hope this isn't the case, based on your own lifestyle illness. That way, when the explanation about the lifestyle illness and its definition comes about, the reader has a pretty good idea of what you are talking about and why they would want to learn more about this disease.

Since this is an academic research paper, it will be best not to use pronouns of the first person kind, whether plural or singular. Second and third person references would work better. If you can write without using pronouns at all, that would be excellent. That way you remove any sense of bias in your writing.

Overall, the research information is great. The presentation is interesting, and the sources are all academically acceptable. The suggested changes are meant to help further enhance the interest of the reader and strengthen the validity of the content.

Writing Feedback / Do you Agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money ? Give reasons for your answer [3]

You are not taking the test seriously. You are not being careful with your grammar, your punctuation marks, your spelling, your sentence formations... The list just goes on and on. This is the work of a student who is not interested in passing the IELTS test. I cannot even begin to correct your errors because, frankly speaking, the only 2 parts you got right was that you presented a single opinion in the essay and you defended your stance within the given reasoning presentation paragraphs. However, the lack of care with the development of the ideas, the presentation of the ideas, and the overall lack of content review, presentation editing, and final touch ups to the presentation, will all combine to make you fail this test. Since you are most likely going to take the typing test at the center, the only advice I can give you is this:

Review your grammar rules, double check your spelling, ensure you have proper spacing between words, and make sure that every sentence you write is properly formatted. You are failing because you are lazy and haphazard in your writing style. The way your wrote this essay tells the examiner that you just wanted to get the test over with, not that you wanted to pass the test.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - MSc Applied Data Analytics [2]

The first 2 paragraphs are what directly affect the length of your essay. Too much backstory is affecting the actual goal of the presentation. Limit the discussions. Summarize the event and simply say the delisting of the 3 products showed you something about your education, that it was lacking because you failed to read the warning signs, despite the available data. There is no need to go into too much detail. You only have 500 words to work with. You should be comparing your content against the prompt requirements. The second paragraph is superfluous. Merge the content of the first and second paragraph into one paragraph. Use only the highlights and/or important data in the presentation. Not all that info is required.

The last second to the last paragraph sounds like you are introducing the faculty instead of admiring them. Simply say the name of the person ang what you hope to learn from him during class.

If you work on these aspects, you should see an immediate reduction in your word count and a more focused application essay.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that they should be able to keep the money they earn and do not have to pay tax. [4]

Every paragraph needs to have 3 sentences minimum in the presentation. That includes the opening and closing paraphrase. You did quite well in this essay, save for the improper formatting of the opening and closing restatements. Those always need to have at least 3 sentences in it. The opening, rephrases the original prompt, the closing, restates the discussion reasons you provided.

There was just one major formatting error in this essay. You made the singular opinion essay a comparative essay by including the opposing side in the last part of your essay. Remember, this is only a 4 paragraph essay, it isn't composed of 5 paragraph like a compare and contrast essay with a personal opinion. That, is what will create a series of TA deductions in your essay. So, based on the improper formatting of the first and last paragraphs, you will receive hefty deductions already. Add to that the other deductions, such as grammar deductions:

Using contractions in sentences (it's = it is)
Overused expressions that create memorized presentations (First and foremost)

You can see why your essay just might fall under a 5 band score. Not bad for a beginner right? Just remember the errors that you made in this essay and correct them. Your paragraphs fall on the longer side of the discussion but at least your information are all connected so that helped to boost your presentation and your score a lot.

Writing Feedback / Global warming is one of the most serious issues that the world is facing today. [2]

Please remember that in the direct opinion essay, you must outline your discussion points in the first paragraph as the closing sentences of that paraphrased section. A direct question should always receive a direct response from the writer. Failure to do so will result in response formatting deductions.

None of your paragraphs are properly developed. Try to present related ideas in the paragraphs that can be tied together using proper examples and reasoning sentences. You cannot present two topics that do not relate to one another and then just leave it like that. You need to create cohesiveness between the two topics using proper connecting sentences or transition sentences. Using word fillers or 2 sentences that do not really help to make a point in the essay, such as ;

"It is often believed that global warming is one of the most serious issues that the world is facing today . First of all , ..."

and,

"However , in order to tackle the aforementioned problems, some effective measure should be taken immediately . In other words ,..."

Directly open the paragraph with the topic sentence instead. That way the reader is immediately informed about what the paragraph will discuss. You can avoid using word fillers if you use the first 5 minutes of this 40 minute task to outline your discussion topics first. That way you will know exactly what you want to discuss in every paragraph, avoiding the need for for word fillers while you think of what you want to say in that section. Outlining your discussion based on:

-Topic
- Reason
- Example
- Supporting reasong

Will always help you create a better discussion per paragraph as opposed to just typing away and hoping that the sentence will make sense. Approach this as an academic writing task. The outline is your best friend.

Writing Feedback / Fake news is becoming increasingly common in the era of social media. What problems will it cause? [2]

Please remember to post the full prompt the next time you come here for an essay review. It will help me give a more targeted review of your work. Right now, I will just be basing my advice on the standard assumption for the direct opinion essays.

Based on the format for direct opinion essays, I can say that your paraphrase is, at the most partly inaccurate. The inaccuracy comes from the lack of 2 things:

- A direct response to either the reason fake news exists or, the what problems fake news causes
- A singular solution topic presentation that will relate to the reason for fake news

Both are to be presented to help outline the reasoning paragraphs of the essay. These are part of the TA requirements for the response format for this type of essay question. Without a direct response, you will lose points in the TA section.

You are representing too many ideas in a single paragraph. Focus on the presentation of a single reason so that the paragraph becomes coherent. Discussing a single related solution will also add to the cohesiveness of your discussion paragraphs. These actions will result in a higher C&C scoring consideration for your essay. Your current presentation lacks clarity and a connecting discussion so you will instead, receive a mark down in the C&C section. Unless you learn to properly relate 2 topics in one paragraph using a proper connecting sentence or transition sentence in the middle of the presentation, you will always have deducted points in that scoring area.

Your conclusion is incomplete as it does not have the proper 3 sentence reverse paraphrase that will conclude the essay. You must restate the topic, the reasons, and close with your suggested solutions to complete that paragraph.

Research Papers / COVID-19 and the impact it has on climate change (rough draft) [2]

While the essay you wrote is informative, it can also be considered confusing to read. The reason behind my observation stems from how you create incoherent sentence presentations due to improper sentence structuring, word usage, merged discussion without a proper subject, and other punctuation related problems. You do not need to edit the essay for content. What you have written is more than sufficient to signify the authority of your sources and presented facts. You need professional editing for grammar range and discussion accuracy. You tend to merge two ideas into one sentence, without considering the clarity of your presentation.

Perhaps you are translating from the Chinese original text or, you are thinking in Chinese and translating it to English, which is why the presentation becomes confusing to read for an English native speaker such as myself. You have to clarify most of your sentence presentations through proper paragraph discussions and formatting. The proper punctuation will help a lot with your presentation. Unfortunately, I cannot do all of that editing work on the forum. You will have to edit this yourself or find someone to do it for you.

Writing Feedback / Reasons and solutions to school violence [4]

Your opening paraphrase suffers from improper topic rephrasing and being unable to respond directly to the questions posed by the original prompt. There is a lack of an outline in your paraphrase that is required for the clarity of your discussion / topic outline. The outline shall contain the subject / topic for each of the 2 paragraph responses.

The outline should indicate, per paragraph presentation:
Par. 2: One reason, properly explained with a supporting explanation
Par. 3: One solution in relation to the reason provided. Explained either from personal knowledge, experience, or observation.

Since the discussion topic uses the first person plural pronoun "we", then the same group reference pronouns should be several times within the essay. You will have to use a different plural first person pronoun in every paragraph.

Since bullying and is not mentioned in the original prompt, it should not be focal point of your discussion topic. A more accurate paraphrase:

While academic insitutions are seen as safe havens for students to develop their intellect and other person skills, the reality is that assaults on the learners while at the institution of learning is increasing. Based on the experience of various students, they believe that one of the reasons that this seems to be happening is because of bullying in schools. Their proposed solution to this problem is the creation of anti tormenter programs in the halls of learning.

Writing Feedback / The idea of imposing university education at no charge from a government for society growth [4]

While your essay shows that you support a solid opinion on this essay along the lines of totally agreeing with university education being free for everyone. You failed to properly represent that in the prompt rephrasing. You forgot to respond directly to the question at the end, thus giving a direct opinion in the process, which would have given more credence to the single opinion discussion opinion that you presented in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. The essay would have lost points for not clearly presenting an opinion to support. You presented an opinion but your position, in the paraphrase section, was unclear. That makes me so sad.

You could have already passed the test if you had just clearly presented an opinion at the start of the essay. Another reason why this essay would not have passed, is because your conclusion created a different discussion presentation from the original topic. The conclusion, should have just rephrased the total discussion from the topic, opinion, and reasons presented. That is missing so you will lose further points for that. The essay itself met the word count, but failed to deliver on several discussion and formatting requirements. That is why I always say it isn't about the word count, it is about the accuracy of the essay in relation to scoring requirements and considerations. Meeting those criteria will be what helps you pass the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: The table shows forested land in millions of hectares in different parts of th [3]

The task 1 essay should not exceed 190 words because you only have 20 minutes to complete this task. You should not be focused on the number of words as that will never ensure a high score. Your ability to properly explain the image, note important data in your report, along with how you present the information in a grammatically correct manner are what will dictate your passing or failing score. Focus on the content, not the word count. The word count won't get you anywhere if your content is faulty.

Overview information should include a listing of the included global regions in the chart. You can either outline that information or, use the countries as indicative of your trending sentence. Whatever the method you choose, just make sure that all the countries are represented / outlined / listed in the summary overview. That is part of the data presentation outline and adds to the accuracy of your task.

Be consistent in your paragraph starter phrases. If you use "on the other hand" in the second paragraph, make sure that you used "On the one hand" in the previous paragraph. The uniformity of presentation is important in each paragraph that you discuss. Be careful with your spelling. Watch out for the red lines that appear under words as you type your text. That represents a misspelled word. You must correct it. Note that the red lines will not appear on the testing center computer, so you have to make sure that you avoid the forced spelling errors by looking for it as you do the practice test. Remember, the LR score will also look at your spelling accuracy and deduct for misspelled and misused words / vocabulary.

Spelling errors:
Europeean = European

Grammar errors:
Noun phrase disagreement - 749 millions = million*
709 millions of hectares = million*
(You consistently make this error in the essay. It could have been corrected if you did some editing work in the paper before you close the essay)

Do not fall prey to forced errors in the essay that could cause you to fail the test. If you apply your editing skills to the copy before you submit the essay, if you focus on content instead of word count, you can avoid those forced errors and perhaps, pass the test.

Scholarship / SOP for Fulbright Scholarship program - Master in Foodservice system management [3]

You have to reduce the content of your essay. The Fulbright Personal Statement is only 1 page, double spaced. You have not written an essay that will be conducive to reading. There are 4,500 applicants for this scholarship. So being short but to the point will help your essay catch the attention of the reviewer, who will most likely consider your essay strongly for consideration of the Fulbright Scholarship Committee. Let me offer you some tips on what information you should include in your one page personal statement.

Make your introduction paragraph interesting by discussing when you became interested in the Food Service Management System. This should be taking place sometime within your high school years. An alternative would be to have developed the interest through proper exposure to the industry during your college years which could have resulted in a course change for you.

Describe how you gained an interest in the same industry within America. What is it about the American F&B system that interest you the most? Why do you think that it is important that you gain exposure to the American method of F&B Management Systems? Which companies, restaurants, chain foods influenced this interest and why?

Think about the cross cultural aspect of the study. What does the American F&B system stand to gain from your participation? What insights might you have that would be of interest to your fellow classmates? Why do you believe it is important that there be a cross-cultural participation in this field?

What about your language skills? Any plans on improving your English skills as a student there? If so, how do you plan to do that? What academic and extra curricular activities might you engage in that will prove your desire for language proficiency? As for your native language, do you have any idea how you can promote your culture and language while a student in America? How would you go about implementing that?

Based on your future plans, how do you see yourself gaining a solid career footing after you complete this program? Any plans to enroll in a masters degree course? If yes, then what course might that (tentatively) be? Why that course? How would the Fulbright scholarship experience assist you as a masters degree student in your country or abroad?

These guide questions should be good enough for starters. It will be enough to fill a single spaced page with enough relevant information for the reviewer to consider. Just remain on point. The whole essay should convince the reviewer that you are an excellent candidate who can promote cross-border friendship between America and your home country through the promotion of your academic study in this field.

Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast essay: Online learning and traditional learning [3]

I am not sure if you wrote this as a Task 2 essay or not because you did not include the original prompt in the presentation. As I do not want to make mistake in giving you advice, I will not focus on the format or response method that you have used, in relation to the Task 2 requirements. Instead, I will assume that this has been written as a general English essay writing exercise and focus on your grammar errors instead.

Learn to use less words with a stronger meaning. This will help you develop a more concise writing style. For instance, rather than saying "... have to be affected by...", you could instead say "... must be affected by..." . Uncertainty must always be presented with certainty when writing academic essays. Remember that all introductory elements need a comma after it to show that the pause will introduce the actual discussion topic.In your essay it should have been written as "So, presidents of..."

Punctuation and grammar errors include the misuse of a semicolon:

Traditional learning; = Traditional learning :

Conjunctions always have a comma after it. The reason being that you are connecting 2 thoughts in one sentence. Hence:
obligatory subjects, but they...

There are several other errors in the essay but, these are are all repetitions of the errors I mentioned here. You will do well to review your English writing rules and remember to follow these rules the next time you write an essay. In case you are preparing for the IELTS test, please let me know next time so that I can give a more applicable review for your work.

Scholarship / I'm Lovin' It! (McDonalds) - Questbridge Bio Essay [3]

It doesn't appear to me that the essay actually helps show the factors that you had to overcome and how those helped shape the person you have become. The essay has too much focus on McDonald's and not enough of a focus on your overcoming obstacles. The fast-food place should only be mentioned in reference to your overcoming obstacles which, frankly speaking isn't reflected much in this essay. You need to be specific.

More appropriate for this discussion would have been how you helped your mom take her citizenship test, in the context of benefits for you and the family. You could also discuss how the loss of your dad as a father figure and growing up in a single parent household has helped you become a person more mature for your age because you had to speed up your adulting process. What kind of adulting process that was and how it influenced your college aspirations would be a more suitable discussion for this essay. Focus more on the "didn't have much growing up" more than anything else for this essay. That is what will shape who you are and why you became the person you are today. That will tell the reviewer more about you rather than the information about McDonald's and its place in your life.

Essays / You have had an accident and can't go to your friend's party. Write a card to your friend [5]

Hi Jolene,

I went skiing last weekend on the advanced trail. I lost control of my skis, fracturing my ankle. I cannot walk for a month. I will not be able to attend your upcoming party. I'll see you at your next party instead.

Keep the letter short but informative. Each sentence must move the letter forward by adding more and more information until you have responded to every instruction in the list, per sentence. Bear in mind that it will be difficult to write the letter, in a proper informative format within only 30-45 words. You will need to use most of your time editing and revising the letter. So make it a quickly written letter. Use the rest of the 20 minutes to review your work against the instruction requirements. That is the only way that you can be sure you have written the right kind of letter, without focusing on the word count alone. Just because you met the word count does not mean you provided all of the prompt requirements. Always check your work against the instructions so the proper corrections or additions can be made before the time is up.

Writing Feedback / THE RATIO OF BIRTH AND DEATH IN NEW ZEALAND [4]

Clarify your format. The first paragraph should have only the following summary:

- Type of graph
- Measurement indicator
- Years covered
- Sources of measurement
- Trending statement

You must start a new paragraph for every data comparison that you provide. It should not be made as a part of the trending statement as the aforementioned statement is one that creates the direction for the information reporting in the essay. The information presentation should have had its own paragraph starting with; "In more details..."

You covered everything in the essay except the comparison where relevant. Which means, you did not notice the overlapping information that would have responded to that task requirement. You missed indicating that:

The data for birth and death has been projected to overlap at about 45 % between the years 2021 and 2041.

Such a comparison point is important in the analysis of the line graph because it shows the assumed / expected population of the people from New Zealand during that projected time period.

Scholarship / GKS 2020 essay for master's degree of business management [5]

You did not read the prompt requirements did you? I can safely say that because nothing in your presentation relates to the expected information. You are going to be applying for a scholarship program where notable professionals from other countries, people of respected and important company or corporate positions will be applying based on their professional business education requirements. Then here you come, applying as if you are trying to get admission to a local community college. It is by far, one of the most unqualified GKS applications I have read here.

The most obvious conclusion that the reviewer will come to is that you do not have any professional background nor appropriate undergraduate experience in relation to the course of your choice. You have not shown any actual interest in progressing your professional status via the additional education. You have not shown any research skills either in relation to the GKS program. You are severely under qualified for this program and you will not get past the first round of considerations.

If you want to improve this, then read the prompts, make sure you approach this from a professional standpoint. Stop sounding like a self-centered, privileged person who thinks she is is entitled to the scholarship just because she wants it. Yes, that is the image that comes across in this writing. It is not qualified for the application. It will result in heartache for you.

To gain a chance you have to:

- Show a professional background that will explain why you have an interest in the course you have chosen to study
- Explain how your interest in Korea developed, basing it mostly on the accomplishments of Korea in your related field of expertise.
- Depict your skills as a researcher. What was your undergraduate thesis? If you did not have a thesis, then what sort of activities did you have which will prove that you are capable of doing academic research?

- Enumerate the ways by which you have pursued higher education in this field or training through seminars, internships, or other skills related programs

These are only some of the topics that should be found in your new essay. You cannot revise the current essay because, like i previously said, it is not going to be useful in any sort of way in relation to the highly competitive GKS application process.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2-Most medical doctors want to work in cities where they will make a lot of money [3]

The essay is a direct opinion essay. As such, the format is as follows:

- Paraphrase the topic from the original prompt
- Give reasons in response to the first question but, do not discuss the reasons yet.
- Give one solution that will work for both problems or 2 solutions that can be explained later on in a connected manner. Do not discuss the solution/s.

Based on the format for the essay, you can see how you made a mistake in your response:

OP: What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?
YR: Although there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, societies can take steps to mitigate these potential problems.

Therefore, you did not properly address the task provided by outlining what your 2 discussion paragraphs will be through the listing of your responses to the 2 questions provided in the original prompt. Your essay will be scored on a partially correct response to the essay because of this.

Your reasoning is good, but it points to government based solutions. The problem is that the government was not mentioned in the original prompt. So you should not be focusing on a single entity as the solution enacting body. This should be based on a third person plural suggestion instead. Use "the public", they, their, as some of the third person pronouns in your solution response.

Essays / Video link to a movie clip under essay [2]

The problem with uploading just a clip is that the reader may still be confused by what you mean. The context of the clip could be viewed in several ways, not including your interpretation of it. It may be a better idea to simply describe the scene as it unfolded onscreen so that you can align the clip with your interpretation with regards to the representation needs of your paper. Consider that not everyone will click on an active link even if you point it out to them because of safety and security considerations, so the active link may not work the way you think it will. Since you are writing an essay, stick with what we know will work. That is, people will read what you have to say, but not necessarily watch it. An explanation of the scene might work best. It all depends upon how you connect the scene to your actual writing.