Writing Feedback / IELTS - The digital and traditional newspapers [6]

@hyperephania this is not an extent essay response so a simple agreement or disagreement will suffice. In addition to that, since this is an "or" essay, you are expected to pick only one side of the discussion to fully defend in your overall presentation. This is not a comparison essay, which would have been indicated by the instruction "discuss both points of view". Unless you see that instruction in the original prompt, the essay discussion is always presented in the singular point of view.

That being said, your essay will be considered only partially correct in response because of the prompt deviation on your part. The deviation is an alteration of your response in reference to the original instructions for the discussion. Since this is singular response essay, you will get a score only for the part that coincides with the sentiment you presented in the thesis statement as part of your prompt paraphrase. Therefore, it is more than likely that you will not receive a passing score for this essay in an actual test.

Writing Feedback / What invention in the last 30 years has made the most difference in the lives of people? [3]

@pp50123 You have chosen some very good lines of reasoning for the topic you chose to discuss in this essay. The main problem that I see with your work is that you do not fully develop the content of the paragraphs. The discussions are shallow and only provide talking points without actually providing a clearer explanation nor supporting information for your claims. Each paragraph needs to have more explanations and a deeper analysis.

You actually fall under the minimum 250 word count because you only have 213 words in your presentation. So this essay will not be able to get a passing score in the end due to the lack of properly developed discussions, more accurate LR presentations, and lack of proper GRA consideration presentations. You do not fully utilize the possibility of presenting a proper mix of simple and complex sentences in the essay. All of these problems will result in a failed test on your part.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the charts' summarization - money for children's sports in Britain [2]

Linh, your paper has a factual error located within it. The first error is that you are citing the expenses in Euros when the British economy uses the British Pound for their currency. Although Britain is still temporarily part of the European Union, the country has never used the Euro as a currency because of certain traditional considerations.

You need to present 2 trending statements in this instance. One for the amount of money spent and the other, for the most popular sports the children participated in. Without this information, your summary overview is incomplete and unreliable in terms of delivering an accurate report based on the 2 charts.

Your report is highly confusing to read. Mostly because you are going from one type of chart information to another in every paragraph without presenting any transition sentences. You are also not following the international standard for presenting measurements. Rather than saying 0.1 million, based on the chart itself, you should have simply indicated 1 million since the next set of digits was 2.5 million. Always be true to the chart presentation when indicating the digits in your summary paraphrase.

Try to present complete paragraphs of 3-5 sentences rather than these stand alone 1-2 sentence paragraphs. The latter does not fall under the required minimum standards for paragraph presentations and could result in severe C&C and GRA reductions in the final scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Artists have more attention than scientists [5]

MT, I would have to say that you are not clearly restating the original prompt in your first paragraph presentation. The original prompt indicates that you have to compare the contributions of artists and scientists to society. From there you were supposed to opine as to which sector has a contribution that society values more. Therefore, you should have posed a general discussion based on the given premise, with a focus on the field that you believe society does value more. This is a comparative opinion essay based on a personal point of view. There are 3 discussion points for the body paragraphs namely:

1. Art - why is this more valuable to society? Oprah is not an effective example but Van Gogh is.
2. Science - good sample using the NASA solar fridge.
3. Personal opinion - totally missing from this discussion. The personal opinion reflects your final choice as to what society values more between the two choices and why.

The personal opinion cannot be inserted as a single sentence in the concluding paragraph. The personal opinion is clearly required as a stand alone paragraph in all IELTS task 2 essay discussions as this is considered part of the 3 body paragraph discussion. It has to be fully developed and explained to the reader just like the other 2 prior considerations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - useful or harmful chemicals in our food [3]

Franciane, I can say that you have a good understanding of the topic provided for discussion. However, you do not have a good enough lexical resource with which to write this paper at a higher level. You used incorrect descriptive words in most instances and some of the words you used, are not even in the dictionary. So this means that the weakest points of your English writing abilities are in the LR and GRA sections.

Problems in your vocabulary include:

diety - a god or goddess
dietary - relating to diets or dieting.

indiscrimed - not in the English dictionary
indiscriminate - done at random or without careful judgment.

You also have a tendency to write extremely long sentences instead of presenting shorter sentences that could better mix the complex and simple sentence presentations. This is done within the 3-5 sentence format for each paragraph. Most of your paragraphs fall under the minimum requirement.

Use more public knowledge without a measurement of percentages or country specific information. Unless you are an Oncologist, it would be better for your essay to stick to public information as these measurement specific information indicates research done on your part during your practice test. Be mindful of the fact that there will not be any outside internet access as the testing facility so you will not have access to researched information. Always write your practice tests in an actual test setting whenever possible so that you will be better prepared for the limitations of the testing center computer during the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Many employers are now offering their employees the option to work from home. [3]

Yi, unless the essay indicates "Discuss both points of view and give your opinion", you are not supposed to offer a comparative argument in response. This is a direct question essay that uses the term "or" in posing the question for response to. The term "or" is indicative of the need for the writer to pick only one point of view for discussion in the response essay. Unless otherwise stated, all of the Task 2 essays are single opinion essay presentations.

What this means is that you first indicate your personal opinion in the second paragraph, which is in the affirmative. You agree that working from home is advantageous. Then begin to explain why in the succeeding paragraphs. Use personal experience in support of your opinion discussion within the 2nd paragraph and then use other example statements and examples in the remaining 2 body paragraphs as part of your reasoning. Wrap it up with a summary of the reasons and restated thesis statement within the summary conclusion.

Research Papers / Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: Applicable in to education at all levels [2]

Dhonsjurae , I find this essay to be highly informative and contemplative in content. The reader is definitely left with some topics to consider and think about in relation to educational aspirations and goals. Although, I feel like there is a whole paragraph missing somewhere at the beginning of the presentation. Is there any chance that you can insert information as to why you hypothesized that Maslow's hierarchy can be applied to education in general? Which portions in particular do you feel support your hypothesis and why?

While making sure that other people are cited in the work as being the source of your information, you must also make sure that your personal opinion is reflected in the paragraph so that you continue to strengthen your hypothesis in relation to the question you posed. It seems to me that the research paper is so academic in nature, you forgot that you posed a personal question for the hypothesis which means you need to insert your personal opinion every so often in the form of personal insight, personal experience, or personal knowledge. Making such improvements will result in a more enlightened and interconnected research presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The media should reduce bad news that they write or say [3]

Artin, it is difficult to help you. I am unsure about how to advise you regarding possible improvements to your work because you did not present the original thesis statement / instructions you are responding to. Without that, I cannot really help you improve your work beyond correcting your format / presentation. Which won't help you much in terms of properly discussing the given prompt.

Your presentation doesn't really follow the required format in the sense that the information the reader needs to understand what you wrote is missing. I guess you are not familiar with the discussion format for the Task 2 essay. The format works this way:

1. All paragraphs need to be 3-5 sentences in presentation.
2. The opening paragraph needs to clearly restate the discussion topic and your thesis statement. Use your own words to explain what the original prompt is all about.

3. The next 3 paragraphs explain the reasons that you have for the discussion. This is written in support of your thesis statement and is based upon the original prompt response instructions. So this could be a comparison point of view or a personal opinion discussion. It all depends upon the instructions you were provided.

4. The paragraphs should be no less than 4 but no more than 5 paragraphs, similar to the sentence instructions.
5. The concluding statement should be a thorough summary presentation of the previous discussions.

All of the information you presented does not follow the qualifiers for an appropriate passing score in the Task 2 essay. I strongly urge you to review the sample essays that you can find at this forum so that you can become more familiar with how the writing is properly done. You may also learn from the advice given to the previous writers that you can apply to your own practice writing tests.

Writing Feedback / The youngster population surpass the number of older people in some countries [3]

Nguyen, this is a direct response question. The response should be coming from a singular point of view. A direct response essay is never discussed as a comparison essay. Actually, unless the prompt clearly instructs you to compare the points of view presented, you are to assume, as the writer, that the singular point of view is the required response for the essay. This is a standard ruling applied to all Task 2 essays.

Do not use the term "seem" in your thesis statement within the opening paragraph. The term "seem" indicates an indecisiveness on your part. You have not made a decision regarding your response to the question that you actually believe in and support. As such, your succeeding discussions become weak because you do not have the conviction to support your singular point of view.

The idea is to prove that your point of view is the correct one by giving a strong discussion regarding it. You may pose the opposing discussion as a topic discussion theme in the paragraph but the discussion you present should explain the weakness in it. For example, you can say that:

One advantage of having a large number of young adults has to do with a younger workforce. While the older generation acts in a leadership role, the younger workers bring innovations and potential avenues for improvement to the craft. The older employees are not capable of...

If the comparison is done from a singular point of view, presenting an opposing discussion helps to strengthen your line of reasoning. Avoid using a compare and contrast paragraph presentation because that shows the reader that you are not really convinced nor supportive of the point of view that you chose to present in the discussion.

The idea behind this sort of prompt is to weaken the opposing argument by finding the problems with their concepts using an opposing argument within the same paragraph. That is a totally different approach from a compare and contrast essay response. In this case, it is a singular opinion response that uses opposing arguments to strengthen its case. Refer to my sample presentation above for future reference.

Writing Feedback / Should we allow children to make their own decisions on a common matters (such as food or clothes) [6]

Na na, I got special permission to expand on my explanation to you. This is going to happen only once. Please make your thread urgent the next time you want me to clarify an explanation. The rule of the forum is only one advice per thread. So this is an exception and you will have to make the next question, if you have one, URGENT or you won't get a new response.

In response to your question, no, you do not need to use the transition sentence in the first paragraph. The first paragraph closes with the thesis statement for your essay. The transition sentence comes at the end of the second, third, and fourth paragraphs. The fourth paragraph transition should lead into the concluding summary / statement. Your take on how the transition sentence should be composed is correct. Use similar transition sentences in the relevant body paragraphs. Remember, the transition sentence is the last sentence in the body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Some people become famous at young age. Is it good thing or bad thing? [5]

Hoa, you were only asked whether the topic provided was a good or bad thing. To exaggerate the response by saying "worst" changes the context of the topic. This single opinion essay should have a consistently connected discussion of various points of view. There is a disconnection in the presentation you used because your topics are unrelated to one another.

Since you started the discussion on the context of complicated social issues, you should have focused on this discussion in the second paragraph. Your topic sentence was good but you did not really discuss proper supporting references and examples that could have better illustrated your point. This topic alone would have been enough to cover the required 3 body paragraphs.

The "other hand" statement actually does not connect with the first part of the discussion because it relates to "scheduling". A topic that was not properly introduced towards the end of the first paragraph. Remember, when discussing unrelated topics, you need to prepare the reader for the coming change in the discussion topic by presenting a "transition" sentence at the end. It doesn't need to be a fancy sentence, just a signal sentence to let the reader know you are changing topics in the next paragraph.

The example you used, Charice Pempenco, does not really have relation to the discussion topic because you failed to explain how her voice relates to her popularity. I for one do not know who this person is so I do not really care about the discussion you presented. If you must use an example, always make sure that it is someone who is a pop icon like say Justine Beiber, Selena Gomez, Ariana Grande, or some other well known international celebrity in order to better illustrate your point.

By the way, you should be careful of your spelling, the Philippines if the name of a country and should be capitalized. Don't forget to proof read your practice essays because this is your one chance to make sure you get everything right in the actual test. That means, you need to create a pocket of time to edit and revise the content of your paper. Otherwise, you will risk losing points for grammar and lexical references.

Writing Feedback / Several advantages of playing sport games [4]

Hoang, I am not sure if you responded to the original prompt you were provided properly because you did not post the original prompt even though I left notice for you to do so. Therefore, you cannot expect me to deliver a complete and accurate review of your work. I can only review the obvious problems. I will not touch on how you responded to the prompt and how you could have improved your response because you did not want to tell me what the original prompt was for some reason. So you cannot expect complete help from me in this instance.

I believe that you mistakenly began the discussion of reasons for the advantages of playing sports in the opening statement. What you presented, from what I can read, is not an accurate prompt restatement because you were already doing a discussion in that section rather than simply restating the prompt topic, reasons, and discussion instructions. Please remember that the first paragraph is always the prompt restatement and, unless you are writing a direct response essay, you are not to begin the discussion in the first paragraph. The discussion follow in the 3 succeeding paragraphs instead.

You need to learn to better develop your discussion points. Don't limit yourself to 3 sentences per paragraph. Whenever possible, write 5 sentences so that you can better explain your reasoning and provide an appropriate example in the paragraph. The current set up you have displays under developed discussions and a lack of proper information to support your topic sentences.

Aim to be clear in all of your presentations. The following line is quite confusing and will result in a lowering of your GRA score:


Are you discussing academic activities or sports activities? You lack a connecting sentence in the paragraph that could have clarified and connected the discussion in a manner that is understandable to the reader. Clarity is key in your presentation because when you are incoherent in your presentation, your C&C score could receive a failing mark.

The conclusion is too short. You need at least 3 sentences to offer a complete paragraph for scoring consideration. The conclusion you presented lacks a second prompt restatement to remind the reader of what the whole point of the discussion is about in relation to the reasoning you presented.

Writing Feedback / Some parent allow their children to get busy with paid work [3]

Yi, the reference in the essay is people, not "parents". Therefore, you should not have used the parental reference throughout the essay. The reference is made to a public point of view and not a parent's point of view. This was a mistake in understanding on your part. The proper synonym for people should have been used such as public, society, persons, populace, common people, or general public. Do not make any reference to information not included in the original prompt or you risk losing points.

Now, this essay is a compare and contrast essay since the discussion instruction is for you to "discuss both points of view and then offer a personal opinion." Since you did not create a clear idea behind the instructions for the essay in your restated thesis statement, it appears to the reader that you are presenting only a personal point of view since you use reference phrases such as "On one hand..." which means you, as the writer are making a comment. When the proper reference should have been "Public belief regarding..." and then a reference to "However, the other public opinion is that..." before making the "In my opinion..." reference. By the way, you cannot give your opinion as the concluding statement. That creates an essay without a conclusion since you discussed new information in that paragraph instead of offering a summary of the discussion. You will lose points because of that.

Now, basing your score on the mistake in the argument presented, the lexical issues, grammar and punctuation problems, along with under explained paragraphs and problematic use of cohesive devices, I believe that your score will fall somewhere between the 5-6 range.

Writing Feedback / (CBEST)- A sharp increases in the minimum wage or no [4]

Queenie, your approach to this essay is too simple for a CBEST essay. The way you wrote it only qualifies you as an IELTS test taker. Not a California Best Education Skills taker. There needs to be a deeper sense of logical analysis of the given prompt on your part. Your reasoning needs to be better presented. Threshed out in a manner that looks at both sides of one argument. The pros and the cons of your subject sentence must be looked into, with an explanation of why the cons do not outweigh the pros in the given scenario.

As a CBEST exam taker, you need to be able to present an almost college level type of writing. One that does not use shallow reasoning such as the price of donuts, using made up computational parameters. The test requires analyzed information based on public reasoning. So instead of donuts, use the price of gasoline, groceries, or utilities instead. Something that shows a sense of maturity and responsibility on your part that helps to drive home the point that you not only understand what the problem is about, but that you are also affected by it. Think like a teacher trying to get a message across to your students in a written form. That is the best way to approach this test since it is a qualifying exam for California based educators.

The opinion will be best served by using personal ramifications as this creates a deeper understanding and analysis of the prompt you were provided. While the comparison discussion is required in this instance, you still need to balance the discussion in terms of portraying to personal opinion. So you could present the public opinion as the con side and your personal side as the pro side.

In the end, the best way for you to learn how to approach the writing of these essays would be for you to read the examples at this forum. Learn from their mistakes and apply the advice given to the other exam takers towards the improvement of your own writing. That should help to speed up your learning process.

Writing Feedback / In order to improve a country's education system.... criticize teachers? [3]

Gian, when writing the prompt paraphrase, you must never repeat any word or phrase from the original. So, rather than saying " students should be allowed to openly criticize their teachers during the class time", you should have indicated; "class time should not be used to point out problems with the teaching method of an educator" or something similar. Change the whole presentation of the fact, don't just change a small portion, that is how you will lose points because it will appear that you are not capable of expressing yourself in English in a manner that is similar to the original. That similar to the original is the whole point of the opening paraphrase. That is how the extent of your English vocabulary is first tested and in this case, you did not do a very good job at proving you have a good lexical resource for synonym words.

Let me be clear though, your essay is still strong. Though faulty in terms of grammar and sentence structure, you were able to get your message across to the reader without causing too much confusion. You were still easily understood so you should get a decent, but maybe not very high, score for the GRA section. your C&C needs some work in terms of working in the transition sentences. If you can develop transition sentences between paragraphs, then your essay will be considered more cohesive in presentation though a bit problematic in terms of coherence.

Writing Feedback / The question about publication of crucial scientific information - Ielts writing task 2 cambrige 12 [4]

Vu, due to the fact that your essay totally discusses only your point of view rather than the two points of view as evidenced by your improper prompt paraphrase, your total essay is only partially responsive to the prompt requirements and as such, may not be able to garner a passing score because of it. The instructions are clear:

Original: Discuss both views and five your opinion.
Your Thesis: In my point of view, this sharing has more benefits than its drawbacks.

What happened to the instruction about discussing both points of view? Those 2 instructions for the discussion should have been first in your prompt thesis paraphrase. It should not have been only your point of view represented. That is why your essay is only partially correct in terms of task accuracy, which will tend to lower your score in that area to a low level. Compound that with your GRA, LR, and C&C problems and there is no way that this essay can pass the test. All because you failed to properly discuss the prompt in the first place.

Your paragraphs present more than one topic discussion each, when the instructions requires only one topic sentence per 5 sentence paragraph covering 3 bodies. This means that all of your paragraphs are little developed in terms of reasoning and discussion. As such, your C&C score will be greatly affected in a negative manner. Then, your grammar difficulties and inability to properly structure the sentences and paragraph has resulted in confusing and ill informed paragraphs for the reader which causes undue stress, thus further lowering your overall score.

This is not a well written essay all because you did not follow the prompt requirements for the discussion. When all of your errors are added up, it may be difficult for you to get a passing score based on the scoring considerations for the Task 2 essay.

Writing Feedback / Should we allow children to make their own decisions on a common matters (such as food or clothes) [6]

@Chiuviu I am really sad that you were able to get the prompt paraphrase done in a proper manner, but then you did not discuss the prompt requirements in the required manner when it came to the discussion of the body of paragraphs. You see, this is not a personal point of view essay. This is a dual opinion with personal point of view discussion essay. Now, while you properly indicated the discussion instructions in the rephrasing, you turned your body of paragraphs into a personal point of view or singular point of view discussion instead.

In the second paragraph, you indicated: I believe that..." Which does not indicate a comparative point of view discussion based on general discussions, which is what the prompt requires. Then, in the second paragraph, you referred to a public discussion before going back to a personal point of view in your concluding statement. That is an uneven presentation and clearly digresses from the actual instructions you were provided, which you also understood as evidenced by your prompt restatement.

The proper format for this type of discussion is always:
1. Prompt restatement
2. Discussion POV 1 (public reason)
3.. Discussion POV 2 (Public reason)
4. Personal point of view
5. Concluding summary of previously presented points.

You also lack the usage of transition sentences at the end of every body paragraph to help ease the reader into the next discussion topic. That is because a connecting explanation of one sentence helps to strengthen your presentation in aid of your TA and GRA scores. You should also never write more than 250 words in a timed setting during the practices so that you can properly allot editing time for content and grammar corrections.

Undergraduate / STUDY PLAN for study permit BScience in Canada [4]

Hi, I got special clearance to offer you additional advice to help you better apply my previous advice. This is a one shot deal so I'll make it count :-) Yes. Add information about how you plan to use the course in your future career. Since this is a study plan, you still need to prove a usefulness for your required course in the letter. So think about your possible final year research project. Think of a situation that you hope to help address as a professional upon your graduation. Make sure that you clarify your career trajectory in order to help convince the visa officer that you will be returning home upon your graduation. Focus more on the academic aspect of your objectives for now. Since you do not have a career at the moment, describe the potential career you hope to enter into so that you can apply what you studied in college. Basically, you can use the same guidelines that I gave above, just replace the word "masters" with "undergraduate" since you are aspiring to finish a 4 year course at the moment. Same questions, more simplified answers :-)

Undergraduate / STUDY PLAN for study permit BScience in Canada [4]

Tram, you are giving the visa officer useless information. This is supposed to be a study plan presentation for your visa application. This is not a reasoning letter to explain why you started out in one course of study but ended up in another. This letter cannot be used at all in this current form. I know that your friends find this letter too long, but applicable. I am looking at this letter from a trained eye perspective and I am telling you, it is not going to be useful to your application. Trust me on this. I have helped enough students both here at the forum and privately to know what I speak of.

The visa officer is not interested in your academic biography. What he is interested in learning is how your current course of study will be applicable towards your career in Vietnam upon your return. The sharing of knowledge and its potential application upon your return is what is important here. Not your epiphany about why you had to change courses.

I am sure that you had to present a study plan to the university upon your application right? That is what you should be discussing again, in this letter. The study plan should show exactly how you plan to use the knowledge and why a Canadian education in this field will spell potential professional growth for yourself based upon the research you will be doing in Canada under the masters course.

Present the following information:
1. What your current profession is. Explain how it connects to your interest in this masters course.
2. What academic and professional objectives lead you to this course? How does it relate to a Canadian education?
3. How does the course apply to your current profession? Why this university? Why Canada?
4. What research do you plan to do? How does this research pose any future use in Vietnam under your profession?
5. Why couldn't you study the same masters course in your country? What opportunities do you look forward to utilizing during your time as a student? The opportunities need to be research and profession related.

You can keep the paragraph about your mother sponsoring your stay in Canada. That is the only useful part of the original essay that you wrote. Change your closing paragraph to reflect how you look forward to a cultural exchange instead. Explain how you plan to promote Vietnamese interests or culture while also familiarizing yourself with its Canadian counterpart so that Vietnam will become familiar with Canadian culture, at least in your field of expertise upon your return.

Writing Feedback / Practical ideas, and the life guidance suggestions [5]

Jessie, this essay is not very well focused on terms of topic and thesis statement. I am going to make a guess here an assume that you just made up a topic for discussion without really having any example of how to create or develop a topic for discussion. When you write an essay, your opening paragraph must always be clear about the foundation of the discussion topic. What is the reasoning behind it? Why does the reader need to hear what you have to say? What will your essay actually focus on? These elements remain unclear throughout the first part of your essay.

You have a tendency to use connecting words such as "because" as well as "and", something not academically allowed because the idea behind the connecting words is to connect 2 different but related ideas in a sentence. Therefore, it is to be used in the middle, not at the beginning of a sentence where there is no thought process to connect.

The paragraphs presented do not really carry a sense of logical explanation nor cohesive paragraphs. You are just rattling off thoughts without giving thought as to the purpose of your declarations. If you simply speak for the purpose of speaking, then you are not making any sense nor delivering a clear discussion to your reader. This renders your essay boring, confusing, and useless for your intended audience. Learn to use transition paragraphs when changing the discussion from topic to another (e.g. pimples to TED talk). Explain how the two differing discussions connect before you start a new discussion. Make sure the reader is clear on the connection otherwise the reader is left with more questions about your work than answers.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that the teenager years are the happiest times of most people's lives. [3]

Heiden, this being your first essay posted here for review, I will give you an allowance for not properly understanding the discussion instructions. You see, you did not appropriately discuss the problem based upon the prompt instructions. Look at how the original prompt was set up and how you chose to discuss the prompt instead:

Original: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Yours: It is undeniable both durations have their own downsides which negatively affect on the level of happiness.

Not only did you create a different prompt for the discussion, but you also created a single opinion essay based on your personal point of view. Based upon these reasons, the score for this essay will be a failing score of 4 because the essay response is not completely related to the task you were provided. The proper discussion format for this instruction is:

1. Prompt restatement
2. First Point of view
3. Second point of view
4. Personal Opinion
5. Concluding summary

As you can see, your essay did not follow the appropriate paragraph format. It also contains more than the maximum sentence count. The per paragraph sentence count is between 3-5 sentences. Any more than that and you will lose points for not appropriately following the required sentence structure under the C&C and GRA requirements.

Please read the essay samples provided for the task 2 essay in this forum. Just so you can get a feel as to how to write the essays based on various prompt scenarios. The most important thing to remember is that you have to show a clear discussion of the 2 points of view in a manner that separates it from a personal opinion. In this instance, the whole essay became a personal opinion essay even though you portrayed 2 points of view in your discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Discuss both point of view: should children learn mathematic in school [3]

Yi, you will need to develop your vocabulary. You do not understand the word meanings and differences so you have a tendency to use the wrong word in place of another. You should also develop your synonym listing for your word usage and LR considerations. The main mistake in word usage for you is in the way you understood the original prompt and how you paraphrased it. The problem words are "redundant", from the original and "irrelevant". Here are the word meanings for your future reference:

redundant - not or no longer needed or useful
irrelevant - not connected with or relevant to something.

Redundant means something is repetitive while irrelevant means something no longer being used. Therefore, irrelevant cannot be used to replace the term redundant. Redundant could be replaced by other words like unnecessary, or inessential.

On an individual scoring basis, I believe you could receive the following base scores:

TA - 6

C&C - 5

LR - 4

GRA - 5

The good news is that you understand the original prompt and you were able to discuss it accurately to the extent that is not affected by the sentence structure and grammar problems that you have in the essay. Comprehension is half the task. So you are on the right track. You just need to brush up on your vocabulary skills and sentence development in order to increase your scoring potential.

Letters / My interest to start career in plant sciences. Cover letter. [2]

Godwin, this is an extremely long and irrelevant cover letter. A cover letter should only list bullet points of your work experience, talents, and skills that would make you a good candidate for a PhD slot at this particular institution. It should contain the following information:

1. The masters degree thesis research that you did in summary form and an explanation of how it is relevant to your doctorate study plans.
2. A summary of your doctorate study plan with an emphasis on the mentor program (if applicable) and training programs that the university offers its student.

3. A presentation of your study skills that have led to honor and recognition on your part from the academic institution or place of work.
4. A mention of your study objectives and professional goals in relation to your research and development interests.

Now, all of these information should be listed in bullet form. It should not be a narrative presentation because the reviewer doesn't have the time to read such a long letter. He can only scan for highlights and note them per candidate. That is why your bullet points discussion should be the focal point of your cover letter. Make sure it pops off the page by informing the reviewer in an easy to read manner.

Needless to say, you need to write a totally new cover letter. A shorter one with a better focus and presentation of your skills and talents as a student and professional. The cover letter should be a summarized highlight of your letters of recommendation, resume and transcript of records, which should offer a more in-depth look at who you are as a student and a professional. Don't go all the way back to high school. That is a waste of time and will definitely make the reviewer toss aside your application. Make a relevant and informative cover letter based on your most recent information alone.

Writing Feedback / Should people date at a young age? [2]

Hoa, for starters, your first short paragraph is already a complete essay presentation unto itself. The Task 2 essay has a minimum word requirement of 250 words. Covering 4-5 paragraphs. You clocked in at 224. 26 words short of a full Task 2 essay presentation. So you will definitely receive points deductions for this. In fact, submitting an essay that is under the word count could even result in an automatic failing score in some instances.

You did not follow the rudimentary requirements for the writing of a Task 2 essay. Now, it will be impossible for me to teach you how to do this properly so you better pay attention to the examples of the other Task 2 essay samples located at this forum for better instruction and advice. Let me just remind you of the basic requirements of a Task 2 essay:

1. An introductory paragraph that represents the original prompt discussion comprised of the topic, reason for discussion, discussion instructions, thesis statement.
2. A presentation of 2-3 body paragraphs that contains one topic sentence per paragraph discussing the reasons in support of or counter to the presented discussion.

3. A concluding summary that focuses on a prompt restatement and summary of the discussion with a repeat of the writers opinion.
4. All paragraphs should be 3-5 sentences in length and be composed of a mix of simple and complex sentence structures using various English words of the synonym and antonym kind.

Follow the rules above when you write your next essay and you will find yourself more in accordance with the scoring requirements. Then I will actually be able to help you improve your writing skills.

Writing Feedback / In many countries around the world young people decide to leave their parents' home. [3]

Chuni, your sentence lose cohesiveness and coherence because you are writing run-on sentences in every paragraph. Overly long sentences that have at least 2 independent topics being presented in each discussion. This creates a confusing presentation for your reader, who has a hard time keeping track of your information. You cannot keep using commas to connect your independent sentences. You must use periods in the appropriate places in order to create clarity and coherence in your presentation. Most of your essays turn into unwarranted ramblings because of the extremely long sentence presentations. It appears to not make sense to the reader because the reader cannot keep track of what is being said per sentence.

However, you have presented a very strong discussion and line of reasoning in support of your opinion. You will score better in that respect. It would have been even better, if you had just discussed your top 3 reasons with supporting information instead of this type of essay. When you try to include too much information per paragraph, it becomes confusing and does not allow the reader time to breath and actually comprehend what you have to say. That is why the IELTS essay test requires only 1 completely explained reason per paragraph. You have 3 paragraphs with which to present 3 connected reasons for your discussion. Connect the paragraphs using transition words, phrases and sentences instead of misplaced commas.

Your current presentation prevented you from properly developing simple and complex sentences that would have been useful in increasing your scores. Instead, your lack of control over sentence and paragraph development has resulted in score deductions for you. Please remember that short sentences using simple and complex presentations score more than extremely long sentences. You are allowed to present between 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Use the sentence count wisely. Misuse can spell a failing score in the GRA section.

Overall, this essay has good reasoning but a very bad presentation. Focus more on meeting the Task 2 essay requirements in your next essay. You have a good grasp of the English language that allows you to be understood, even with grammatical and lexical errors. So you are something right :-)

Writing Feedback / What are the similarities and differences between children and adults in acquiring language? [4]

Daeun, this essay suffers from grammatical problems. However, the said problems do not affect the reader's understanding of what you are trying to express so it is not the biggest problem in this essay. It is in fact, negligible when compared to the other more serious problems this essay has.

For starters, you cannot compare 2 unrelated themes in a comparison essay. You must compare the same elements in order to come to a definitive conclusion based on comparison data. Therefore, you cannot compare a child's first language acquisition with the adult's second language acquisition. Rather, you can compare a child's second language learning with an adult's rate of second language learning. You must adjust your research to properly reflect a correct comparison analysis of the information you are presenting.

Next, and the biggest problem in this research is the lack of in-text citation and proper referencing to your second hand information sources. You make yourself sound like an expert in the field when you are obviously not. A professor will immediately fail this essay for plagiarism due to the lack of proper reference citations for major information that you share in this essay. Anytime you refer to an expert opinion, you cannot take credit for it as you are still a student. Name the source and list the proper quotation in the proper writing format (MLA, APA, Chicago, etc).

This type of paper is not given as an English writing exercise so you must revise the whole paper to reflect academic content, integrity, and tone. Right now, this sounds like a 6th grader wrote the paper and that, poses a big difficulty for you in terms of revising your content. You need to bring this up to college writing standards. If your university has a writing center, go there and ask for writing advice as to how you can improve your currently problematic research paper.

Writing Feedback / Should share information as much as possible? IELS 12 Test 5 Task 2 [3]

Yi, this is not a straight out personal point of view reference essay. This is a "both point of view plus personal opinion" essay. What you discussed in this essay is solely your point of view. That means your response to the prompt is only partially correct and as such, will receive a much lower score than it could have possibly have been considered for. That is really too bad because, had you discussed the essay from the required points of view, you would have had a better chance of gaining a higher and ultimately, passing score for your work.

Had you shown that you were discussing a public opinion for each point of view before presenting your own opinion, you would have fallen within the prompt parameters, allowing you to be scored fully for this essay instead of only partially because you made it a single point of view essay. The proper discussion for this would have been better presented as:

There is a public sense of a need to openly contribute to knowledge in the fields of science, commerce, and education. However, others feel that information from these areas of knowledge should be kept a secret because of its high value within these territories. This essay will analyze the reasons behind each point of view after which I shall offer my own opinion on the matter.

Publicly, one point of view reasons that...

While the other sector opines that...

Based on my analysis, my opinion is that...

To close this discussion...

When discussing a 3 point of view essay, each body paragraph must identify which point of view is being discussed in order to receive the proper analysis and points rewards in the scoring scheme. Being unable to do so lowers your scoring consideration in the final tally. Widening the discussion based on the prompt requirement means you increase your overall scoring potential on a per consideration basis. In my presentation sample, everything from the TA all the way to the GRA will be scored on the highest possible bracket because of the clarity in presentation and discussion.

Writing Feedback / Efficiency of Working in Groups - TOEFL Essay [3]

Sufang, since this is an opinion essay that asks you to agree with a previously given statement, it is important that both facets of the opinion presented be discussed in your opinion. That way, you can show the proper strength and consideration that makes your opinion the correct one. In this instance, your essay would have been further strengthened if you had based your opinion on a comparison of how a team works effectively or not as effectively depending upon whether or not everyone on the team does their part and cooperates. By showing how a team fails when one member does not wish to do the same thing the others want to, your reasons for supporting the statement about a person who does his part to help the team towards success gains more importance and believability. As of now, this essay is good but too lopsided in reasoning which makes it bias instead of a fair comparative discussion of the prompts provided.

Do your best to present your explanations in less sentences. Try to do it within 5 sentences because you need to prove that you can make yourself understood in English using direct explanations. You don't need to explain the whole situation to the reader. Just present the salient / important points such as the task of the group, the assigned task to the person, what the person did, the outcome of his cooperation. 4-5 sentences per paragraph should be sufficient in this instance and future instances of needing to present a sample as a reason within a paragraph.

With only a limited amount of time to write this essay, you cannot afford to be too wordy as you still need to leave time for editing and revising your content for grammar and clarity. If you write too many words, you won't have time left over to do that and not proof reading your work could lessen your score due to the mistakes left on the page that should have been corrected.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2- Influence of television and computer games on children. [4]

Thi, you misunderstood the prompt requirements. You were being asked to discuss both points of view from a general perspective / reasoning before you presented a discussion of your personal opinion. This is evidenced by the prompt instruction indicating:


From the way you presented your thesis statement, it became evident that you were discussing only your point of view rather than the two point of view plus personal opinion discussion because you indicated an opinion immediately that stated:


The proper thesis statement for this essay is:
In this essay, I shall examine both discussion points as supported by each group prior to the presentation of my personal opinion.

You have to remember that the opening statement is only a representation of your understanding of the original discussion. It should never contain a personal opinion or begin a discussion of the presentation as there is no time to further develop your explanation in the paragraph based on the 5 sentence maximum presentation per paragraph. The general discussion should only be done in the 3 body paragraph. Don't forget to show ownership of the discussion in this type of essay discussion as well. Ownership terms need to indicate what opinion is being discussed and from whose point of view. So you could say:

"There are a group pf parents who believe that... because...

The dissenting point of view indicates...

My point of view is that..."

By showing ownership, you will be able to better highlight the clarity and coherence of your discussion. Don't forget to use transition sentences at the end of each paragraph to help introduce the next topic for discussion to the reader. It makes for a smoother read and allows for a higher GRA score.

Try to avoid presenting long sentences that separates discussions using a comma. Short sentences that presents connected discussions have a better chance of improving your overall score. Present at least 3 sentences each time and you will have a better scoring consideration for sure.

Writing Feedback / The number of graduates and postgradutes in Britain in terms of the work they did after study [2]

Hien, I found this essay to be highly confusing. lacking in a clear singular trending sentence, and not really informative in terms of the proper use of the data from the bar graph. You need to work on clarity and coherence in your work in order to score higher than a 4, which is the score that I believe this essay might receive in an actual setting. Let's start at the top in analyzing your essay alright?

In the first paragraph, You have only 1 long sentence representing the illustration overview. You need to have at least 3 sentences here but no more than 5 as per the C&C requirements for these essays. So the proper information to present needs to be split up into short but informative sentence. Hence:

A bar chart has been provided for comparison purposes. The comparison is based on the number of graduates and post graduates who go on to different fields after graduation. These fields cover part-time and voluntary work along with further study or unemployment. The graph represents the year 2008. As per the trend, it appears that further study was the most popular destination for the graduates and post graduates that year.

Now, for clarity purposes, since you have 3 remaining paragraphs with which to present the information from the graph, you should have presented it in the following manner:

1. Information for the graduate graph
2. Information for the post graduate graph
3. Highest and lowest points comparison from both graphs.

This presentation will make sure that you meet the 4 paragraph requirement for the explanation presentation that contains the maximum 5 sentence requirement or the 3 sentence minimum requirement.

Remember, you are paraphrasing the information from the original image. So you cannot miss a single factual data in the presentation. You should also be as clear as possible in presenting the information. Make sure that they reader will clearly understand the purpose and information you are providing as a restatement. The version you have chosen to present lacks in coherence and clarity. Most likely because you were not able to properly outline to presentation. Which the information you presented was not as effective nor as informative as it could have been.

Writing Feedback / Should government be fully responsible for the underprivileged people? [7]

Jea, you appear to repeat your thesis statement twice in this essay. One mention of the thesis statement and prompt paraphrase is enough. I do not know if you noticed but paragraphs 1 and 2 are interchangeable as your opening paraphrase. Do not repeat yourself just to meet a word count. An essay that is direct to the point and immediately discusses its opinion will score higher than a repetitive essay presentation. That said, only paragraph 1 should indicate the paraphrase and thesis statement. The second paragraph, should then contain the first topic or reason for discussion as its first sentence, with supporting discussions to follow.

Only paragraphs 3 and 4 actually discuss the given topic and not in a very strong manner at that because you are not offering any examples to support your claims. This essay would lose a tremendous amount of points due to its repetitiveness and lack of supporting discussions. Try to do a quick outline of your discussion prior to your drafting your response. That way you will avoid repeating yourself.

Undergraduate / Common app. I was given all of these blessings so that I could take advantage of them; trip to india [2]

Parth, what is the common app prompt that you are responding to? Is this your response to prompt 1 or 7? The kind of clean up and directional information that can help you improve this essay all depends upon which of the two prompts you are responding to. Also, since you have a 650 word count maximum, you may want to consider reformatting your response into proper paragraph forms, as in, per discussion topic, to make it easier to read. Right not, everything is bunched on the page and really difficult to scan for individualized topics and highlights. That will also allow you to create a better depiction of your response to the essay.

On a general basis though, the theme of this essay is shallow and empty. It doesn't make you stand out and yes, the whole essay is working on a cliché. If I only knew what prompt you were actually responding to, maybe I could have helped you to pick out a highlight or something that could be turned into a highlight from this current writing for development into a more striking response essay. As I will not be able to respond to you again unless you make this an URGENT thread, I am really sad that you wasted your one chance to get a proper review and truly helpful advice regarding the content and presentation of this essay. Should you wish to seek further assistance from me based on the proper prompt instructions, please remember to make this thread URGENT before you post the prompt.

Don't forget to post the prompt with your succeeding essays for review so that you don't waste your chance at getting useful advice the first time out. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Universities can control the number of seats in the different subjects [3]

Diksha, while the approach that you took to writing this essay is one of the many possible methods of responding to the given prompt, I believe that, and my students who have passed the IELTS with the highest marks can attest to this, when you discuss an extent essay, your reasoning within the thesis will be better served by a direct, one sided response to the given prompt which is: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the above statement?

Being an "emotional" response essay, it is always best to respond with an emotional answer as well. Such emotional answers could be:

I am in full / total agreement/disagreement
I partially agree/disagree
I am inclined to strongly support / not support...

along with other variations thereof. The reason why, in my opinion, it is best to approach the essay in this manner is because you need to properly set up your discussion while giving the examiner a direct response to the question. If you use the term "partially" or a synonym of the word, then you can discuss both points of view in the essay. If you go for a singular point of view, that would be even better for your score.

Now, I will admit that your line of reasoning is well and good for the prompt that was provided. It is just too wordy in presentation. You only have to present 5 paragraphs composed of 3-5 sentences to work with. That means, writing a minimum of 250 words, no more than 300 as far as I am concerned because you need to save some time for editing your work.

You tend to write very long sentences. These sentences, from my point of view are mostly run-on sentences. Keep it short and focused. Present a topic sentence at the start of every paragraph and discuss only that topic in that paragraph. Don't get so confused that you try to turn a discussion into a debate. Be aware of your sentence structure and punctuation problems. Remember that all first words of sentences must be capitalized. All words after a period are capitalized.

Work on your grammar as well. Try to do more grammar exercises to help you learn how to develop proper English sentence structures. Fill in the blanks exercises with multiple choice answers will serve you well in terms of grammar exercises and vocabulary development.

Letters / Cover letter for IOM Security Assistant - Hudaydah, Yemen [3]

Motei, as this is only supposed to be a cover letter to introduce your resume, it should only summarize and highlight the information in the documents you will be presenting. You were right to inform the reader as to where you heard about the job opening. Aside from that though, the rest of the letter wastes the time of the reader and believe me, he will not finish reading this due to its length when he has other applicants to consider as well within a short period of time. The best thing for you to do is shorten this letter.

Use bullet points to highlight your work skills.List the top 5 skills that you have. You don't necessarily have to refer to each company in particular in the cover letter because those information will be better assessed as part of your overall resume. If you ever won any awards or received recognition from your office, list those down as well. These should cover 2 paragraphs on its own. Don't forget that you need to call the attention of the reader to your specific work skills in relation to the job you are applying for.

Allow your resume to speak for you. Just highlight the notable elements of your professional skills in your letter so the reader will know to focus on that or look for it in the resume for further consideration. What you should be including in the cover letter towards the end is your contact information so that the reader will have easy access to your contact details for possible interviews or additional considerations.

Writing Feedback / Online education as a replacement to traditional education. Which is more benefitial for a student? [3]

Jea, I will not score this essay because you did not do a very good job at responding to the prompt requirement. The instruction for the discussion in this essay is as follows:

Original Discussion: Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The original instruction is based on the reasoning that:

Some people claim that e-learning has so many benefits that it will replace face-to-face education soon. Others say that traditional education is irreplaceable.

Based on the above information, it becomes clear that you did not properly discuss the prompt requirement because your thesis statement was:

Your thesis statement: In my opinion, traditional education has more benefits than online education.

The topic for your thesis statement is not located anywhere in the original prompt instruction. This is a 2 point of view plus personal opinion essay regarding whether or not old school ways can be replaced by new ways of schooling. It is not about the benefits of online education. That is a totally different discussion and would be based upon a comparison rather than a reasoning essay.

This is a reasoning essay that you turned it into a personal opinion only discussion because of wrong paragraph discussion development and key phrases to indicate the type of discussion being presented in the paragraph. Therefore your score will be tangential for most of the essay because you failed to properly represent all 3 sides of the issue being presented. It will not be a good score for you overall.

What then is the proper thesis statement and approach to this essay?

As more people seek online education, a discussion has developed regarding the possibility that internet based academic training will replace physical school attendance. While others believe so, there are those who say that real - time education in an actual school setting will never be replaced. In this essay, I will discuss both opinions and present my own point of view for the benefit of the readers.

Some discussions support...

While the other line of reasoning is that...

My opinion is...

You need to brush up on your English comprehension and analysis skills. You did not do a very good job in terms of those considerations in this essay and it led you to a prompt deviation instead.

Writing Feedback / The impacts of the technological development to the comunication of both individuals and society. [2]

Daisy. I wish you had provided the original prompt for this discussion so that I could have a better idea as to how the discussion of the given topic was to be approached by the writer. I am unsure as to whether or not you have followed the discussion instructions in your writing so I will not touch on that topic in the review of your work. Instead, I will focus on the grammar and continuity problems in your essay.

You have a tendency to use connecting words such as "besides" and "in fact", which are words used to connect previous sentences to the next sentence. Or, in some instances, it is used to connect 2 different ideas in one sentence. You also show a lack of understanding as to how to properly use connecting words because you failed to use these words in certain instances. Some examples of these mistakes are:


- Where is the advantage discussion? That should have been presented first.


- Where is the topic sentence? An explanation leading up to this statement should be shown first.


- There is a missing connecting word here. There is an action completed but no subject indicated before the action.


- For instance

I cannot go deeper into the problems of your paper without knowing what this paper is supposed to have accomplished. I am really sad that I cannot give you a more intricate review of your work. Maybe, if you remember to post the prompt with your next essay, I will be able to better help you improve your writing skills based on the analysis of your work in relation to the instructions you were provided.

Writing Feedback / Performing daily tasks without meeting people face-to-face and its effects [2]

Dam, this essay will receive a major deduction in points, which will definitely prevent it from getting a passing score, because you wrote only 240 words. 10 words less than the minimum word requirement for this sort of test. The minimum word requirement is 250 words. You can only expect to be scored properly if you write at least the minimum word requirement. When you are not capable of writing the minimum word requirement, the implication is that you do not have enough of an English vocabulary nor a proper grasp of English writing to help you make yourself understood when expressing yourself in English. You need to write anywhere between 250-275 words (for editing time purposes) in order to direct your essay towards getting a passing score on all counts.

Now, due to the lack of original prompt presentation, I am unable to accurately judge the essay you have written for the purposes of finding your weak points. I need the prompt to measure the appropriateness of your response and then advice you from there. Please remember to post the instructions the next time you post an essay here for review. For now, I can only advise you regarding the most obvious problem in your essay which is the word count.

Research Papers / Traffic jam elimination -high rise multi storey bus with moving 'clamping' (or anchor) for stability [2]

Arafat, what exactly is the point of this writing? There is no proper thesis statement, there is no clear idea being presented, there is no coherent discussion to be read either. This sounds like a drunken person's ramblings that does not have a point except to irritate the reader. You did not even bother to follow the basic tenets of essay writing such as proper sentence structure (Punctuation and word capitalization are major issues in your currently posted written piece.), paragraph cohesiveness (your statements are all unrelated to one another and there are no transition signals to help ease the reader into the next paragraph), and finally, there is no logical conclusion to this essay. In other words, this is a worthless piece of writing that would not get a passing score even as an English writing exercise.

You have mangled the English language by opting to use text spelling instead of proper spelling and word usage. You did not care if you were misspelling words nor if you were using them in the proper context. You have turned what should have been a strong statement about the state of traffic in your country into a presentation that totally disrespects the reader and the authority of that person of the seriousness of the discussion. You sound like you are writing an outline of a discussion rather than presenting an actual and edited thought process.

I take it that you are at least a college graduate right? So you should know how to write in a proper academic manner. This was taught to you in school when you studied. You are capable of writing in a respectable and academic, or at least professional tone in your mother tongue right? The same respect and tone should be accorded your reader in the English language as well.

This is a piece of work that shows how you do not take anything seriously when it comes to writing in an academic or professional manner. This is an insult to the professional reader who will come across this piece of writing. In a graded setting, this will be considered a failing piece of written work on your part.

Writing Feedback / Some people choose to stay unoccupied instead of taking up a job which does not fit to their hobby [3]

Nguyen, while you have some pretty good talking points in this essay, your discussions are not developed beyond that. That is because you focused solely on presenting only reasons for your belief without an actual defense or explanation of the basis of your belief. Thus making the essay little informative and less developed than it should be. You are not being scored on the number of reasons you can provide for your conviction, you are being scored on how well you can defend your reason using the English language instead. That is why your line of reasoning does not help to increase your C&C and GRA scores.

Instead of just presenting a countdown of reasons for your discussion, choose your top 3 reasons and discuss these in strong independent paragraphs of no more than 3 using 3-5 sentences per paragraph. The format should be:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reasoning 1
3. Explanation for reasoning (optional)
4. Example to support the reasoning
5. Transition sentence introducing the next paragraph topic in relation to this paragraph.

Do this 3 times using 3 different reasons before presenting a proper summary conclusion and you will greatly increase your scoring potential in the overall consideration. Speaking of the summary conclusion. You cannot just say "I believe..." in such a short sentence. The concluding summary needs to restate the topic for discussion, summarize the topic points, then repeat your thesis statement in a closing sentence manner. Your current conclusion is so weak, it will definitely pull down you score.

I would also like to point out that this is not an "extent" essay so you need not say "I completely disagree". There is no indication of the instruction requiring you to indicate a measure of (dis)approval so a simple "I disagree" would have been sufficient. You also lack 1 more sentence in order to meet the minimum 3 sentence per paragraph requirement as I explained above.

Your LR score will also be lowered by the misuse of English terms. You used the term "unoccupied" to indicate a person who is not working. The correct term is "unemployed". Unoccupied means a person with nothing to do. Which is different from a person who does not have a job. You also cannot use the term "hobbies" as a synonym for the term "employment". The better term to use would have been "jobs".

Due to your lack of expertise in vocabulary use, it would be best for you to, at this point, familiarize yourself with English words by reading and memorizing the English dictionary (if possible) and, in addition to that, you should also familiarize yourself with synonyms, words that can take the place of other words because they mean the same thing. If you can improve in these aspects of your writing, then there is a high probability that you just may pass this test.

Writing Feedback / Tourism is an important industry in Taiwan. [2]

@Chong I am not sure what prompt you are responding to with this essay and if this is even an essay that was written for an English language exam. Your opening paragraph does not have a self-explanatory topic sentence at the start. Nor does it have a clear thesis statement that explains what you will be discussing in the body paragraphs of the essay. As such, the essay that you wrote does not seem to have a valid point to it.

As a basic rule of thumb though, a paragraph, whether written for an academic paper or an English test needs to have no less than 3 sentences in it. That is because you are supposed to have a topic sentence at the start and then 2 sentences (at least) to explain what you mean by the topic sentence. You don't really do that uniformly in this essay.

You also made the mistake of using the connecting word "an" when you should have used the word "a" instead. "A" for consonant starting words and "an" for vowel starting words. There is also a connecting word rule that dictates when "because" is used in a sentence. The term "because" is used to explain an existing idea within the same sentence. It basically connects 2 ideas in one sentence. Since there is no connecting statement preceding the use of the word "because" when used at the start of the sentence, this created a grammatically wrong sentence structure as there is no idea to connect to it within the sentence.