Research Papers / The influence of gory games for behaviour of gamers in reality. Research on Video Games and Violence [2]

Estevan, when writing a research paper, you must do so from a third person point of view. In order for your paper to be considered objective in its information presentation and discussion, the author needs to disengage himself from the discussion. Look at all of the evidence from a factual standpoint instead of personal. So opening the essay by saying "When I say..." is not the proper way to proceed with the paper. Change and all first person pronouns to that to a third person point of view in order to create the credibility required of your essay information. You should also aim to balance your discussion by creating a reference to the opposing facts before presenting your supporting evidence. That way the discussion allows the reader to create an educated opinion based upon the information provided. At the moment, your essay is too one sided and lacks an equal voice in terms of considering all sides of the proposed discussion and its counter opinions. This is a pretty solid draft though. You are going in the right direction. You just need to adjust certain aspects of your research.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 Exercise "comparation among UK student who didn't go into full-time work" [5]

Rista, the comparison method that you used throughout the essay is the best presentation that I have seen so far of this essay topic. You have clearly analyze the information and presented it in a manner relevant to your chosen discussion within the paragraphs. I will say that though your grammar is not perfect, you did manage to make your presentation more understandable than most to the reader. I have a piece of advice for you. Do not us the term "nevertheless" in a continuing sentence. That term is always used to start a comparison presentation. In this instance, I did not see any comparison following the use of that word so it was misused in the essay. You also should never have a stand alone sentence as you do in this sentence. You must always present complete paragraphs of related discussions otherwise you will get marked down immensely for technical instead of content errors. Based upon this observation, I believe that your essay can be reviewed and considered for a score of 5 overall.

Writing Feedback / What students did after leaving college, without job? Describing The Graph. [8]

Sytia, the first comment that I have is with regards to the context of your sentences and paragraphs. the lack of English language knowledge and weakness in sentence structure and grammar causes a significant amount of stress for the reader. That is because the topic of your sentences are always unclear and are hard to define by a simple once over reading. Even multiple readings leave the reader still wondering about the point and accuracy of your statements. Another problem with your presentation, when compared to the actual graph, is that you present the figures in decimal points, when the actual figures are delivered to the reader in thousands using a comma. always use the same presentation as the original since you are supposed to be presenting an accurate summary of what is being presented to you. Changing the format format from the original will result in a mark down of your Task Accuracy score.

Your overview summary at the start does not deliver a complete presentation because it is only one sentence long. There is also a redundancy as your first and second sentences are exact replicas of one another. Since there is no change in the information presented, it would seem that an error or a lack of proof reading occurred on your end, which would be another reason to lower the overall score.

There is a lack of proper sentence development in your paragraphs because you do not use full stops in your paragraphs. Perhaps you were not informed that there is a minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph during your class? The sentence structuring will result in another point deduction for you because the improperly formatted paragraphs cause additional stress upon the reader, who is not allowed a chance to properly process and differentiate between presented information. Avoid using commas whenever possible and opt to use a full stop instead.

I won't score this essay for now, mostly because this is your first try and you have room for improvement. I look forward to scoring your next practice test though. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / Where went majority of UK students since they finished their school? [4]

Nurul, while you did meet the minimum word count requirement of 150 (you wrote 158 words), you did not accurately represent the necessary comparisons, discussions, and information presentation in the essay. It does not meet the format and presentation requirements of at least 3 paragraphs comprised of 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You must aim to present an expanded discussion of the provided chart because that will be the method by which your English comprehension, grammar accuracy, and sentence construction abilities will be judged. While you did a good job with your presentation here, the shortness of the essay will limit the possible high scores that you could get when you use better developed idea presentation and explanations. You can achieve this by separating your essays into 3 topic paragraphs. The 5 paragraphs should be comprised of your summary overview, 3 body of paragraphs, and a concluding statement. Presented in that format, you will be able to aim for a higher overall score than you will have with this current essay. This essay cannot score higher than a 4.

Writing Feedback / Destination of UK Graduates and Postgraduates in 2008. Describe Table IELTS Task 1 [3]

Nindy, next time you post your essay, please make sure to include the illustration for my reference. I do not have the ability to confirm the validity of the information in your presentation without it. It will be impossible to accurately score your work as well due to the lack of base points for consideration. With regards to your essay, I can only comment on the formatting style because that is what I can see and rate without the need for the graph.

Your writing style inconsistent. All of your paragraphs must have at least 3, but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph. That is the requirement that can allow you to properly summarize the illustration you were provided and also, offer a clear explanation of the information to the reader. Note that your essay does not have a consistent discussion based upon the sentence requirement.

You were neglectful of the sentence formatting requirements in this essay. Only the first word of every sentence, as well as the indication of proper nouns must be capitalized. Your work carries misplaced capitalized words or words that are not at the beginning of the sentence and do not qualify as proper nouns within certain paragraphs and sentences.

Make sure that you space your paragraphs properly. Paragraphs 1 and 2 are not accurately separated and that such, looks like you did not proof read your essay before submission. Perhaps you meant to include the second paragraph with the first part of the essay?

All of the problem points that I have pointed out here have a direct effect on your final score. So make sure to avoid these problems next time.

Writing Feedback / The typical destinations for students after graduating. IELTS Writing Task 1: Comparing the chart [4]

Farinda, I normally score the essays presented for review for the students, but in the case of first time participants, such as yourself, I do not give a score because I want to call your attention to the method by which you can improve your writing style and thus, improve your final, overall score as well. Let me get started with the first paragraph.

Your first paragraph, is the overview statement. This is the paragraph that calls for your to summarize the topic for discussion, the method of discussion, and other key elements of the essay in an outline form. You are not supposed to present any pertinent discussions in this aspect of the essay yet. Now, the problem with the summary that you wrote, is that it does not cover the complete information presentation per chart. These presentations need to be done as a full sentences instead of a summarized presentation. This is because of the required 3-5 sentence per paragraph requirement of the essay. Any paragraph shorter than 3 sentences will be given a marked down score.

You were provided with 3 charts for discussion. Therefore, each chart content should have been represented in a single paragraph. Each paragraph should successfully compare, contrast, and present the information for each section indicated within the chart. This will create a solid and proper discussion that will be considered highly informative by the reviewer.

As for the concluding sentence, you will need to increase that by a few sentences in order to create the proper format for the presentation. Your actual discussion is acceptable. It is just that you missed a few important formatting requirements and information in the overall presentation. If you manage to avoid the same problems in the next practice essay, I can accurately score and offer you additional advice then.

Writing Feedback / Transportation facilities and shopping mall. Describing maps IELTS TASK 1 [3]

Aman, my opinion is that you cannot score higher than a 4 with this essay because you did not accurately represent all of the information that you were given in the illustration. For starters, you did not provide an accurate overview summary. The overview summary should have been presented as a paraphrasing of the topic and discussion instructions that you were given for presentation in the essay. The lack of this information created an incomplete first paragraph / opening statement for you. You will of course receive point deductions for every aspect of the illustration that you failed to represent in the summary essay, of which there are many. You failed to represent the various facilities and locations being proposed for the 2 different proposals, comparing the carried over suggested facilities whenever possible.

I would also like to call your attention to the second sentence of the second paragraph. When you say "For instance", you are expected to make a comparison between two subjects in the sentence. You do not have a comparison in that sentence. It is an incompletely developed sentence and will severely affect your GRA score.

It is because of these problems with your essay that I feel you will not get a passing score in an actual test. Make sure to correct the errors in your next practice test so that you can improve your overall score.

Undergraduate / AFRICAN LIFE STORY/JOURNEY - SMU PROMPT [4]

Try to change your approach to the prompt question Adrian. The current essay has too much unnecessary information such as the quote from Pope Francis and the appeal to have the committee approve your application to attend the summer camp. The only proper and usable response, which more than does its job of representing your application is the story of your father, up to the point where you say that you are thankful to your parents. That is all that you need to talk about in this essay since it is obvious that you appreciate your parents contribution to your present and future life. Remove the part that refers to how you want to take American education as far as it can go. Overall, removing the quote from the pope and the description of Africa, including the reference to an African education, are irrelevant to this essay. The last 3 sentences also do not tie in with the prompt requirements. All of these elements should be removed from the essay so that only the integral and relevant parts remain in the discussion. There is no need to add any more elements to the essay. The quicker you present your response, the faster the reviewer can make a decision about your admission.

Graduate / I decided to study in Canada. Review my Study plan for Study permit [3]

Your response to the top most prompt is incorrect and not applicable. You are being asked to explain why you wish to study in Canada, based upon your college major / studies. It is not asking you what government and tourism policies Canada has that makes you want to study there. That is irrelevant. The proper answer, requires you to think about the future of Mathematics and Mathematicians in general and how completing a masters degree in Canada will be beneficial to your success in that field. There is nothing in your response that relates to your actual academic interests. A reference must be made to your plans of research, mathematical training, internships, study programs, and other similar interests in your essay. These are the topics of focus for your response. Not the useless response that you have written at the moment.

Hafizur, normally, I would be able to advice you on up to 3 of your short posts in a single thread. It is too bad that you posted more than 3 short responses in this thread because now, I will be forced to respond to only one post and that will be your top most posting. If you wish to have your responses properly reviewed, you will need to post each essay as a separate thread. Sorry about that, those are the rules of the forum admin.

Essays / David Mosse (2004) asks whether good policy is unimplementable? How far is this true in relation... [3]

Vanessa, in my opinion, before you can answer this question, you will first need to familiarize yourself with the various existing aid and development policies from other experts and authors. The reason that you are finding it difficult to respond to the question is because you lack the research or understanding of the available concepts. One method of approaching this research would be to compare the policy of Moss to another author. That way, you can use one empirical evidence and argument to either defend of disqualify the concept of Moss. By comparing his concept to another, you can fully explain whether his concept has the ability for true implementation in terms of the marginalized society sector or not. Once you have presented enough evidence to support your stance, then you will see how far the true relationship of his concept goes in modern society. This is not an easy question to answer. You will need to apply yourself in the research of the concept and vast response to it as well. Once you have completed your draft response, you can come back here and request for a review in a new thread. I can help you further develop your essay then.

Graduate / I NEED HELP WITH THIS LETTER OF INTENT FOR ADMISSION IN CANADA [2]

Franklin, your letter of intent needs to introduce the development of your interest in Philosophy as well as your career related reasons for considering a master's degree in the course. Your current essay doesn't offer you an opportunity to explain why you consider the mastery of Philosophy an important part of your personal and professional development. The information that you present is generic and could apply to just about any student applying for admission to the course. You need to create a personal consideration for your application because without it, your desire to get this masters degree doesn't make much sense. Think of presenting your letter of intent was a personal statement. Tell the reviewer more about yourself, some important aspects of Philosophy that relate to your life, and why you believe that this university is the best option for your higher studies. This will show a clear intention to not only enroll in the course, but also to complete the course of study as it applies to your career now and in the future.

Writing Feedback / West Europe electricity generation resources [2]

Abeeb, when you write the summary overview, it is imperative that you accomplish that paragraph using at least 3 sentences due to task accuracy, grammar range and accuracy, as well as lexical resource. Writing an accurate restatement of the chart instructions will help to increase your score in those 3 areas. With regards to your paragraph bodies, it will always help your essay score when you do not neglect to present the percentage figure as provided in the charts along with your paragraph data presentation. This shows a thorough understanding of the provided information and also, presents the impression that you thoroughly analyzed all the data that you were provided. In a sense, your presentation gains a more personalized and less academic approach. Always consider the type of audience you might be presenting these facts to and write the presentation based upon their ability to understand the technical terms. This is a pretty solid piece of writing even with the shortcomings present. So it may be possible for your score around a 4 with this essay. There were too many skipped information presentations that prevented this essay from scoring any higher than that in the overall scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Poor memory in modern life [6]

Plan, you need to improve upon your opening statement. The way you have it written now isn't really reflective of the prompt topic and the instructions for your discussion. In order to develop a better opening statement, it would be best to allot one sentence per prompt indication. That would be one for the topic, another for the reasons, and the lady one for the methods by which one can improve his memory. If you write it that way, your task accuracy score will be increased.

There is a problem in your sentence structure for paragraph two sentence three. The proper structure for the sentence would have been as follows:

Therefore, the dependence on technology weakens the human memory capacity.

In relation to this, your conclusion is inappropriate as it doesn't accurately summarize the discussion provided and your proposed solutions. As such, you will recieved a severe markdown in the task accuracy section because of the mistakes in your opening statement and closing paragraph. All of these components will , in my opinion, combine in a resulting score of 4 overall.

Scholarship / My Engineering & Construction Experience for Scholarship Essay Purpose [2]

Ananto, your essay is extremely difficult to read sure to the horrible English sentence structure and development. Collectively, the essay doesn't make sense. The logic of your sentences are difficult to even guess because you didn't provide the complete essay prompt you are being asked to respond to. You use the term "because" to start a sentence which makes it grammatically wrong because that means you are starting a sentence in the middle, via that connecting word. I can't even begin to pick out the problems of your essay because there are just too many to point out. What I'm sure of, is that you are using a horrible online translation software to write your essay, which is why it was written in such an incomprehensible manner. You need to write this essay in your own English words and provide the prompt for it so that it can be reviewed properly and advice for its improvement can be provided. List this as an urgent essay so that I can continue to help you fix it and make it an understandable piece of writing in relation to your application.

Scholarship / Rotary's motto is Service above Self. How have you served your community in the past and now? [2]

Joseph, due to the length of the word requirement of essay for the prompts provided, I'm constrained by forum rules to only review the top most essay in your list of responses. You will have to post each of your essays individually this time and I will respond to each individually. In the meantime, here's my review for your top most prompt losing.

In order to keep with the theme of your being an Uganda Water Project volunteer, you have to remove the reference to teaching the farmers. While that activity was done within the organization, it kind of deviating from the earlier discussion. The most related presentations are paragraphs one and three since the first half deals with a previous volunteer activity and the last part is the current activity. The current activity directly refers to the first in a continuing manner so it will be best to use the 2 related paragraphs instead. So the second paragraph becomes misplaced and unnecessary and can be deleted from the current response in order to improve and tighten the focus of the response.

Writing Feedback / Announcement about constructing a great manufacturing plant in the area - TOEFL Independent writing [2]

Yin, there is an extreme prompt understanding problem in your essay. You did not properly parasite the prompt discussion and instructions. Adding with that, you failed to present your opinion within the opening statement as it's normally required of this essay. Your disagreement with the opening of the manufacturing plant should not have been left for almost three end of the essay, it should have been the only opinion presented and discussed in the essay. The prompt clearly required only your opinion for the discussion so all the other aspects you discussed are moot and academic. These are not needed because the only necessary supporting statements are those related to your opinion of the topic. These errors are what leads me to believe that you cannot score higher than a 2 in this practice test. This is due to inappropriate examples and discussions that do not immediately allow you to present your opinion and supporting facts. You should not have written a comparison essay, only a personal opinion essay.

Writing Feedback / The employment pressure of graduate students [3]

Mirror, I wish that you had given me an inclination as to what the actual prompt for this essay is. That instruction is very important in my analysis of your work and eventual scoring. I could've given you a more specific review instead. As of now, what I can tell you is that your use of the term "graduate student" is quite possibly wrong. A "graduate student" is someone who has already completed a college level education and is selling to find employment in his field of academic training. That is not the kind of person you describe in your essay. You are describing a college student, who, although a graduate is never referred to as a graduate student but rather, is simply called a "college graduate " or "graduate". Your use of the word "but" at the start of a sentence is academically unacceptable. You can only use but to join two related ideas in one sentence. Since a sentence does not start out presenting an idea, you cannot use the term to compose a stand alone sentence. As for the correctness of your discussion, that is a gray area because you failed to provide the prompt requirement and since I can only advice you once, you just water the opportunity to recurve a comprehensive analysis of your work from me.

Research Papers / Understanding your credit and how it affects your life. "NEED" Peer Review [2]

Joshua, this essay is really difficult to read. The premise is unclear, the point of the discussion needs to be tightened, and you have to decide if this paper will be a simple research or an article for publication. You have to decide upon the type of writing the paper requires so that you can use the correct written voice in the essay. Either this is amid in nature of casual in tone. It can't try to be both. The in text references are incorrect as you are using the bibliography presentation in the paraphrased and did sections. Look up examples of the in text citation writing style you were asked to use and use that corrected format in your essay. Also, stop saying "ounce", which is a unit of liquid measurement when what you are trying to say is "once", which means a singular time or the start of something. Please refrain from discussing two ideas in one sentence by using the connecting word "and". Use to sentences to discuss separate, but related ideas before your​ current presentation is severely confusing. Exactly what is the research about and what do you hope to accomplish? Why should I care about your presentation as a reader? Make feel a need to learn more about what you have to say.

In all honesty, the topic you chose to discuss is interesting, but your presentation is so confusing that the reader will lose interest in what you are saying. Try to come up with a clear thesis statement and a logical, digestive, and doesn't discussion. As of now, none of these traits are showing up in your essay. It isn't informative at all and as such, does a disservice to the reader. Don't submit this essay because it doesn't represent the best of your writing and research abilities. Use my suggestions above to come up with a new paper. If you want me to further review your revised version, please let it as urgent so I can continue to work with you on finalizing your content.

Scholarship / This school will lead me to the teacher profession. Australia Awards Scholarship Essay 2 [4]

Aya, consider that you are referring in a master's degree course because of one of two things. Either there's a problem in your profession that you wish to solve or you found that you have certain inabilities related to your profession. Consider which of the two is the main reason that you are taking up the masters degree then present the essay based upon that need. That is how your proposed study will help you with your career. Explain what lessons you hope to learn and training you hope to achieve in relation to your career requirements. Pick just one specific Target or career goal for yourself and write a new essay based upon that. This essay is to general in focus and shows that you are uncertain about your career path. Try to gain a focus in the discussion in order to better address the prompt. Provided both courses can help you resolve your career issues, you can mention both courses in the essay.

Writing Feedback / How do we eradicate illiteracy in Ghanaian society [2]

Daniel, the topic of your essay is the eradication of illiteracy in Ghana. The premise of the essay is sound. There is a problem though, when it comes to your presentation of your problem statement or thesis. In order to interest the reader in the topic you are about to discuss, you must first, present the background of illiteracy in your country, the results of this illiteracy, and why this is a problem that needs to be eradicated. Create a totally new thesis statement to place above the current opening paragraph. All of that information should never be located in the opening statement. That information, is always best used to support the thesis statement in the second paragraph.

The supporting paragraphs in the body of the essay are well thought out and presented. It creates a clear idea as to how the problem can be solved. However, it does not consider the other factors in the discussion such as the need to change the constitution, punishing those who violate the rules, and so on and so forth. When you write this sort of essay, you must also work on addressing the possible problems that your suggestions will create and explain how your proposed solution will be able to counter the problems it creates.

Now, as for the concluding statement. Do me a favor and take the stand alone sentence up to the existing paragraph. You cannot have a single sentence for a concluding statement. If you don't want to add it to previous paragraph, then effectively conclude the essay by wrapping up the discussion. Restate the problem, summarize your solutions, then close the essay. 3 well developed sentences should suffice.

Before I forget, double check your grammar and sentence structure in the early part of the essay. You have a few misplaced words at the start of sentences. Misplaced because you wrote it in lower case letters when it should have been written with the first word capitalized. Remember, a continuation of a sentence uses lower case letters but the first letter of the first word in the given sentence must always be capitalized. That is a basic grammar rule that most essay writers seem to regularly forget.

Undergraduate / Post Study Plan for Bachelor Degree in International Hotel Management (Switzerland school) [2]

Bao, your post study plan should cover the first 5 years of your post tertiary educational career. So your plans should not include the parts that require you to have a masters degree in order to accomplish your dream or ambition. This essay should therefore, fully develop the idea behind how you plan to gain enough work experience to eventually, become a general manager. If you wish to work for the Hilton, Marriot, or Intercontinental hotel chain, then discuss how you plan to first, gain employment in one of the hotels. I believe that it would be best if you discuss how you plan to work at each hotel for the first five years of your professional career so that you will gain a well rounded experience when it comes to dealing with various hotel management styles. Explain what particular aspect of your professional career you hope to develop during this time and then, explain that at the end of 5 years, you plan to enroll in a masters degree course in order to help you become a general manager. For the general manager plan, pick one of the hotels, the one that you feel will help you learn the ropes with regards to how you can start your hotel in Vietnam and discuss that. Stop discussing at this point because the next steps will require you to have a management PhD already. We only need to aim for the first 5 years leading up to your requirement for a masters degree in management.

Writing Feedback / Reason for learning a foreign language [2]

HIen, in the opening statement, do not use the term "later view" as the correct term is "latter view". In order to properly have used this term you should have referred to the first opinion as the "former" in the sentence where you say that you agree with the last part of the prompt topic. Aside from agreeing with the latter view, you should have indicated, towards the end of the statement that you will be presenting reasons that will support your claims. That is because the opening statement requires you to outline your discussion procedure, without actually presenting any actual data yet.

Now, when you speak of your father as evidence of your opinion, you need to expand upon that discussion by offering the languages that he speaks and most importantly, explain why he had a desire to study these languages. Since that discussion needs to be expanded upon, it should be presented as a separate paragraph within the essay. Since there is a 5 paragraph limit in the essay. It would be best for you to pick your evidences. One pro and one con evidence discussion will suffice in these instances because you only have 3 body paragraphs within which you can discuss these evidences.

Based on the content of your essay though. The discussion you provided is acceptable and does the job where you need it to. So I do not think that you will score too low with this essay. I would score this a 5 because of the good way that you developed the discussion. I scored you down for the problem portions in order to come closer to an actual test scoring possibility.

Never use stand alone sentences in an academic essay. Always make sure that it falls within the 3 sentence format or incorporate that sentence into the existing current paragraph instead. You have this problem in the sentence preceding the concluding statement and, your concluding statement also suffers from the same problem. That is a writing error that you need to be conscious of and should be prepared to correct once you see that you have committed the error in the actual test. Practice the paragraph format at all times while doing the practice test.

Research Papers / Some solutions aimed at increasing students' attendance [3]

Chu, this research paper is severely flawed. The most well developed portion needs to be the thesis statement. That is the first paragraph of the essay that delivers a number of information, which outlines the upcoming discussion / research paragraphs. The thesis statement is not clear in the paragraph although you did deliver a topic sentence and an expected outcome of the discussion. You must develop the background of the student attendance problem and why it is imperative that solutions be found to the problem. Without that background and logical presentation of the upcoming discussion topics, the thesis statement doesn't really help to increase the interest of the reader.

The succeeding paragraphs are too short as these rely mostly on the quoted text from other sources. There has to be another side to the discussion and that is, the public side that you can either discuss as part of your research presentation or as your opinion. It depends upon what the required parameters of the discussion is for the essay. Either way, you must increase the discussion per paragraph in order to show a thoroughly researched and properly considered discussion of all related factors.

All things considered, this is not a complete research paper. It is an early draft at best that has an expansive room for improvement. Don't leave the paragraphs so short. Depending upon the word requirement or page requirement of your teacher / professor, you might want to consider delivering more information or explanations of the content of the paragraphs. That way the reader can get a more personal presentation of your discussion, but not necessarily your opinion regarding the topic.

Writing Feedback / Is eating meat good for health or not ? [3]

Agustina, what test did you write this essay for? Next time you write a practice test, please provide the name of the test you are practicing for and the full prompt that you are responding to, including its instructions. The general review for your essay is not good. There are too many problems with your presentation that needs to be addressed.

For starters, you neglected to proof read your essay for grammar appropriateness and spelling. That said, your essay is filled with lower case letters starting off your sentences. The rule of thumb is that the first word of every sentence in English must be capitalized in order to indicate the start of a sentence. You failed to do that in this essay all throughout. You were inconsistent in your use of the first capitalized word so you will definitely receive penalties for that in your final score.

Next, keep in mind that you are also scored on the accuracy of your spelling in the essay. So you have to proof read your work and make sure that not a single word is misspelled otherwise, it is another set of markdowns in your final score. This essay's most grave spelling error was "storke" instead of "stroke". Show that you care for your essay by making sure you accurately spell the words. Never mind the grammar inaccuracies. Provided your sentence makes sense to the reader, you will be forgiven for most mistakes in grammar since you are not a native speaker of English.

Your opening statement should have had a thesis statement, but I did not see any indicated. That means that you have not properly restated the prompt topic for discussion and the instructions you were given. Therefore, a severe markdown, that could even garner your whole essay a failing score could be delivered to your essay in the end.

Writing Feedback / Popular movie goers - 1 ietls academic [3]

Kristoffer, you must be doing something wrong when you upload the image because it is not showing up in the post. You just have to click on the attach image link in the upper portion of the text box and then choose your image for uploading. I really don't understand why you are not (successfully) attaching the image. It makes it very difficult to review your essay. I will say this though, your essay sounds like it is very informative, provided the facts and figures you are sharing are properly taken from the image you were provided with. Your presentation has improved over the first essay you wrote but still has a problem with proper paragraph presentation. Practice using full stops, with a period, instead of a comma. Stating a fact in one sentence will get you better points then stating connected ideas in one sentence. It will also help you meet the sentence requirement per paragraph. Again, writing more than 150 words is most effective when you use it to increase your lexical resource and grammar accuracy scores. Your concluding paragraph at the end of the essay should have either been longer to meet the sentence requirement and increase your score overall or, included in the previous paragraph since it is only a single sentence. A Task 1 test does not always need a concluding sentence because there is no opinion to be given or topic to be restated. The conclusion is a normal part of the task 2 test instead.

Writing Feedback / Transported goods and rail - task 1 academic for correction and comments [3]

Kristofffer, since you did not provide the image that you analyzed, which is a required part of the IELTS task 1 presentation in this forum, I will not be able to offer you a score for your essay. All I can do for you at this point is point out your mistakes and comment on possible improvements. Since I will not have access to the provided graph, I will not be able to judge the accuracy of your work based upon the information you were provided for the summary.

First of all, writing more than 150 words is always good for your essay. However, if the 150 plus words are not presented in the proper format, then you will lose points under the Task Accuracy and Grammar Range brackets. Always create a paragraph of at least 3 sentences long, maximum of 5. The paragraph number itself should be no less than 3 and no more than 5 in order to allow the reviewer to gain a better idea regarding your English language abilities in relation to your lexical resources, cohesiveness and coherence, and other considerations. So the format you used for the essay would be marked down, even if it is informative and based upon the image you were presented for summarizing.

Your first and second paragraphs could have been combined into one paragraph in order to create an accurate summary overview. In terms of format responsiveness, the second paragraph is underdeveloped in discussion. That is the main opinion for that paragraph since it is under the 3 sentence minimum requirement. Only the final paragraph of your essay was written in accordance with the format expectations.

I can't help but feel that you just summarized the obvious information and did not go for a more analytical approach to the writing. I can sense that in the way that the presentation is mechanical in delivery. If you had provided the graph, I would have been able to give you proper advice regarding the improvement of your mechanical tone. I can probably do that in your next essay for this task, provided you remember to upload the image along with your essay.

Research Papers / The Struggles Women Face Entering or Rentering College [3]

Miana, an authoritative research paper presents information in the third person, not the first person pronoun. That is because a research paper needs to prove that is it an unbiased look at the topic being discussed. Speaking of which, your thesis statement can use some work. Rather than presenting the information that you came across in your research, develop a proper thesis statement based upon your research instead. It is important that you keep your point of view out of the presentation because this is not an opinion paper. The rest of the research paper is good and informative. It is well presented. However, the conclusion can use some improvement. Since you are presenting a concluding statement, you should remind the reader of your thesis statement, offer the result of your research in relation to your thesis statement, and then conclude it with a strong statement that offers "advice" not an "opinion" of the topic for the reader to consider. That way, your paper remains unbiased and will stand up to the scrutiny of your professor upon review.

Undergraduate / "A plethora of opportunities"- Waitlist Essay for UC Davis [3]

Amanda, since you were wait-listed the last time, it is understood that you continued your education at some college institution. Either as a Biology major at a college or university, or by taking some related courses at a community college. In order to prove that you are worthy of continuing your education at UC Davis, you need to discuss what sort of changes and preparations you have made since you were wait listed. The first 100 words should discuss the preparations that you made in terms of classes you took and your current GPA at your current academic institution while the last 100 words should explain how your previous academic training will be highlighted, improved, and enhanced by the programs at UC Davis. So you will need to connect your current accomplishments with the possibility of further enhancing your knowledge through the academic training and extra curricular activities at UC Davis. Your current version does not prove that you have made ample changes to your circumstances that could warrant your removal from the wait list.

Writing Feedback / The information on water use in six regions of the world. Task 1 [2]

Sheryl, please do not expect me to rate your essay based on the band score because you did not provide the chart illustration for me to use in comparing your work with the provided information. I want to be fair to you and judge the essay based upon the provided parameters. I can tell you though that your essay suffers from a lack of thought development because you have some paragraphs that are extremely short in presentation and as such, does not really offer a fully developed analysis or argument for the information you are providing. You need to use at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Additionally, you should not present the information enclosed in parenthesis because these are not additional information that you are providing, but actual information based upon the prompt you were provided with. It is because of these parenthetical presentations that your essay suffers in the cohesiveness and coherence, as well as grammatical accuracy portion of the band score. All your paragraphs do not meet the minimum requirement and therefore, cannot be considered fully developed. While some ideas are presented in the 2 sentences, there is no definitive reason for the reader to believe the information you are providing. That only comes from the direct, instead of parenthetical, presentation of the information in the original chart. I can sense some analytical presentations in the essay though. That tells me that you studied the graph somehow. I cannot tell how effective you analysis is though, because you failed to include the illustration with the original posting. So these problems would have lowered your score in a major way. I just can't be specific about the score because of the lack of illustrated information for me to consider.

Scholarship / Education is as an investment. Personal statement for a Scholarship [2]

Arsenij, I am of the opinion that this essay cannot help your scholarship application. It is weak and does not really sell you as a model student who has the ability to deliver the expectations of a scholarship program. A strong scholarship application essay focuses on delivering your strong points as both a student and as a person to the reviewer. I believe that it would be best if you just write a new essay that focuses on your academic and personal strengths. The academic strengths must be presented in the form of the awards and recognition that you received during your previous academic undertaking. If you can mention being a Dean's Lister, a previous scholar for a different scholarship, an impressive GPA, and other related elements then your academic claims for the scholarship will be better. If you can present information about how you are a civic minded individual who knows that being a scholar also means being helpful to others as you represent the scholarship in your university, that should work to further strengthen your application as well. Right now, this essay is too vague and presents reasons that you require the scholarship that will not really impress the reviewer. Your reasons are the same as the other scholars. So rather than using obvious reasons, try to sell the reviewer on the idea that you are a person whose academic and socio-civic inclinations are best aligned with the mission objectives of the scholarship program you are applying to. Sell your strengths as the main reason that you feel you should be considered for the scholarship. If possible, explain that you deserve the scholarship because of your future plans as a member of the petroleum industry and explain how you plan to make that happen upon your graduation or through your research, which can be applied directly in your profession once you become a professional in that field. Don't use this generic essay. It does not have any content that will help to make your application memorable to the scholarship reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Life among the crowd or in a remote area? [4]

Hoang, this essay can only score a 3 because of specific, severe problems with your essay. For starters, your opening statement is not only short of the minimum 3 sentence requirement, but it doesn't accurately restate the prompt at all. The prompt asks you to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community. Your discussion however related to past negative and positive sides of living in small areas. Review the prompt requirement again and you will realize that you did not represent the prompt properly. What you decided to discuss, were the past reasons that created a positive and negative side to living in small areas. This is a prompt deviation because the prompt itself did not make any time distinction to make you discuss "past" ideas. Therefore, the discussion should be made regarding present time considerations. While your discussion was somewhat good, it suffered from under developed discussions in a few instances. Specifically in paragraph 3. The conclusion even worsened the problem because you decided to offer an opinion regarding the advantage and disadvantage of living in a small community. Since your opinion is not called for anywhere in the original instructions, you should not have presented it anywhere in the essay. This presentation made the conclusion flawed because you presented a new topic for discussion rather than simply concluding the essay in the expected summary method. It is because of these observations that I believe you cannot get a passing grade with this essay.

Writing Feedback / The best way to solve the problem of traffic is to force people to pay toll. Agree or Disagree? [3]

Adib, I think that you can receive an overall score of 3 with this essay. The main weak point that I can see with your writing is that your opening statement does not properly respond to the task provided. You made it clear that you would be suggesting alternative solutions to the traffic congestion problem rather than presenting reasons as to why you disagree with the statement. In fact, you did not even signify that you disagreed with the statement at the end of the first paragraph, where your opinion was expected to be presented. Due to the mistake in your thesis statement presentation, you did not manage to properly address the prompt instruction which clearly stated that you were to simply defend why you were in agreement or disagreement with the topic statement. As such, you have shown a failure to address the task due to a prompt misunderstanding. This serious error in your presentation is what led to the failing score of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Free education without any tuition for those who can't afford it [2]

Sayed, while your thought organization can possibly score up to a 4 in this essay, your overall score cannot be higher than a 2. That is the analysis that I came up upon observing certain serious problems with your work. You cannot score higher than a 2 in the portions related to quality of ideas, writing style, and grammar and usage. One of the biggest problems of your essay is your total disregard for the capital writing rules which dictate that the first letter of every word in a new sentence must be capitalized. Your grammar and usage leaves the reader a bit confused and stressed, which requires repeated reading of your work. You also have a serious problem when it comes to your word choice and sentence structure. These are serious weaknesses when it comes to analytical writing that created some serious scoring problems for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Undergraduate essay on sleep deprivation and doctors. [2]

Rio, your thesis statement is not very clear. You make a statement of fact within the paragraph without an indication of the statement of the problem. We already know that overworked doctors tend to make mistakes on the job. The question thesis statement should be "In as much as sleep deprivation causes doctors to make mistakes on the job, there is still no clear understanding as to why sleep deprivation affects the motor, sensory, and analytical capacity of medical practitioners. This essay will try to understand how these performance faculties are affected and why among tired doctors."

You need to learn how to properly present in-text citations in your essay. As much as possible, do not present two quotes within one paragraph as that creates a solely quoted paragraph instead of a restated paragraph. That might be flagged by the plagiarism checker of your professor. When you write the reference to citations, make sure that the reader will be clear about where your voice starts in the essay and when it transitions into the quotation. Words such as "According to" or "Based upon my understanding of the work by" can help in differentiating your thoughts from that of the quoted material. Right now, these seem to be combined in your presentation.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for M.A. in Global Studies at Sophia University [2]

Vu, you have not responded to the main reason that is being asked in this statement of purpose in relation to your career. You vaguely mention wanting to become a Japanese researcher. You need to expand on that discussion by explaining the career path that you hope to take. What kind of career endgame is there usually for a Japanese researcher? What career path does taking the MA create for you? Explain these reasons in the first paragraph.

You must also develop a valid thesis statement with a (possible) research track for yourself. This will show a clear picture of the seriousness of your application. If you wish to, you can create a logical research connection between your college thesis and your (possible) masters thesis based upon what results you hope to achieve. Bear in mind that this is just a preliminary presentation so it doesn't need to be precise, nor does it need to be the actual research you will be undertaking. This paragraph should just show that you are prepared for the study path ahead of you because you have some plan for your course of study.

Do not mention that you took the information that you discussed from the school website. That makes it sound like you are not a serious applicant who bothered to do research in relation to your masters course and academic interests. Remove that reference entirely, The essay works well without that paragraph and keeps the focus solely on the purpose of your application and other prompt requirements.

Research Papers / Plato and Aristotle on today, in the 21st century... Peer review [2]

Joel, the title of your essay does not match the research that you have presented. The thesis statement should indicate that you will be looking for a relevance between the logic and differences between Plato and Aristotle, based upon modern day discussions and the applicability of their logical thinking and published arguments. Then start off the essay by explaining how each philosopher developed his line of thinking, with a shallow comparison between the two. You must also offer a comparison between the two based upon their mentor-student relationship in order to set the platform for the relevance comparison. When you begin to discuss the modern topics that you feel can be used to compare the two philosophers, do your best to research a specific philosophy or published philosophical statement from each philosopher and apply it to the modern discussion. That is how you will effectively prove or disprove the relevance of one, the other, or both philosophers to the modern era topic discussions. While this essay that you wrote is fine, it doesn't contain enough relevant information to discuss the relevance of the philosophers in the 21st century. More in-depth research and in-text citation are needed to accomplish that task.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 IELTS Australian teenager's eating fast food [2]

Amjad, the essay that you wrote could have been better if you had followed the format requirements for the summary overview. Rather than writing two separate short sentences at the start, you should have instead, combined that information into the first paragraph. It could have been combined because the information provided is an accurate overview of the forthcoming discussion. Thus, you would have created a clear outline for the discussion paragraphs. One of the strong points of this essay is the fact that you clearly analyzed all of the provided information. This is reflected in the way that you were able to make an acceptable assumption regarding the consumption of Pizza at 83 when the graph did not clearly make a reference to digits. This shows that you can properly analyze the essay even in the English language. Your presentation is very good. Save for that one problem at the start of the essay, I do not see why this cannot earn you a score of 6 or 7.

Essays / PS and SOP for Graduate Studies (Textile Engineering Vs Material Science and Engineering) [2]

Jan, don't try to write both the PS and SOP at the same time. Focus on finalizing one essay at a time. In this instance, it would be best if you write your personal statement (PS) first. That way you can review it and decide if there are some elements in the personal statement that would be best presented in the statement of purpose. For the personal statement, you should make sure to present a number of personal information first. The information should include, in no particular order:

1. The development of your interest in this field. Make sure to start it above the age of 12.
2. How your family background relates to your interest or just simply, a statement about your family and any role models you may have had within the family circle.

3. Reasons why you decided to study this course in college.
4. Why chose to apply to this particular university.
5. What you hope to learn at this university in relation to your previous experience.

The reference to the university can be the concluding statement of the essay. All other information that is not listed here should be presented in the SOP instead.

Scholarship / Why I chose the following Master's programs and institutions [3]

Katya, You can remove the first paragraph because that discussion focuses on the reasons that you chose to study in Melbourne, Australia. The topic instructions indicates that you should only discuss the reason why you chose specific universities and courses offered in the same country. Why you chose to study in that country does not factor into the discussion and should therefore be removed. Since this is a word count specific essay, try to get to the point as soon as you can so that the reviewer's attention will immediately be drawn to your response instead of an unrelated response at the start. Use the word count solely for developing your discussion of the course program and institutional choices. Your first paragraph is a prompt redirection which will not be appreciated by the reviewer because of the limited time that he has to read each applicant's essay. Presenting only the required discussion will help your application more in this instance.

Writing Feedback / Child Education / Parents / Social Institutions [2]

Nguyen, the opening statement which is supposed to be a paraphrasing of the original prompt is not very clear. The original prompt is related to the method by which a child can be taught to be a good member of society. Your restatement is all about the moral lessons that should be taught to a child. Teaching a moral lesson is not the same as teaching a child how to be a good member of society. A moral lesson is learned or taught after a mistake is made. Teaching a child to be a good member of society is taught on a continual basis, regardless of whether or not a mistake was made by the child. Your personal opinion must never be part of a conclusion. It should be a separate paragraph that is supported by evidence that will convince the reader of your stand on the given topic. The conclusion should only restate the prompt, the two sides discussed, and finally, a short representation of your personal opinion to close the essay. Based on these observations, the score of your essay will not be more than 4.