Writing Feedback / The main perspective of Businesses is to Make Money - but is it the only priority? [6]

Hi Sarlinda.

In this moment, I am gonna concentrate on contents of your writing. Before I review your essay deeply, I wanna remember that you have limited time to finish writing task 2 so that you should not write more than 300 words. This is not about the quantity, but the quality of the writing. More you produce the words, more you have the probability to make faults.

Today, business is the one's tool of people earns TO EARN money, ; However, ; as the way for TO earn money,
the firm in products or services which(When you wanna omit the conjunction, you conduct totally) produced is number one.


Honestly, I have not got the answer to the question given. I think you displayed the introduction far of the prompts. Please, you make it systematically. First, you have to show your opinion about that. If you agree with the statement, you provide supporting sentences to encourage your view. After that, you give the concession to strengthen yours. Actually, in the body paragraph, it is enough to be included 4 sentences. Your first body paragraph is so crowded, but you passed the prompts.


Be careful to mention HE or SHE in the essay. It will seem the discrimination for certain gender.
Generally, the essay consists 4 paragraphs. You should separate the conclusion in the different paragraph with the body.


it is better if you include the scientific fact in your essay to support your vantage point. You told readers about the person's experience, but they do not know him. It will seem like the layman's opinion. You should order the example of the person well-known.

Hopefully, you can read a large number of examples of essay so that you get the points of the essential elements in the essay.
practice more and more
Good Luck,
^_^

Writing Feedback / People who conduct a business should concentrate only to their aims to make money. [2]

Hi Meireza..
These are my few corrections for your essay. Hopefully, they can help to finalize yours.

People who conduct business should concentrate FOCUS only to ON their aims to make money.


You should display your position clearly. Agree or disagree..??

Turning to the first body paragraph, you can explain your opinion well. You have given your personal experience to support your statement. However, When I have learnt closely about your example, you did not review detailed. You said that the employees are more prosperous, but you did not mention indicators about that change. For example, that relates to their salary.


You should explain who that Aburizal Bakrie because Not all people know him.


In the conclusion sentence, you should still show your position about that matter.

Writing Feedback / The air is leaking from every ventilation and going out in the first floor, in the roof. [2]

Hi.
here are a few corrections for your writing.

... the process of RELEASING heat lost and energy FLOWING INTO THE HOUSE wasted that caused by THROUGH THE air circulation of the house .
... in the underground and in the upper floor, (...) only occurs in FROM the first floor, ...
... when fresh air comeS from the outside ...
Since the rooms contains HAVE holes that connected (...) floor and in the up floor.

Next, when the fresh air is already situated FLOWS inside the home for replacing the heatED air, so the warm air leakSing out through recessed lights, ...

As a result, it THOSE makesthe rooms temperature OF ALL ROOMS in the house become stable.

Note:
1. make sure what you write.
2. Pay attention to plural and singular
3. Order the preposition appropriately

Writing Feedback / Dealing with client as an external communication skill and listening carefully to colleagues ... [2]

Hi Ifra..
These are my corrections for your writing.

...essential communication skills in A people's job (...) surveys in TWO DISTINCT YEARS; 1997 and 2006. Overall, IT IS IMPORTANT NOTE THE EXTERNAL COMMUNICATION WAS MORE NEEDED THAN THE INTERNAL ABILITY. MOREOVER, the most important skill GENERALLY needed by people was dealing with A client as (...) carefully with TO(Pay attention to collocation. Each verb has different collocation for preposition) colleagues as an ...

In 1997, the HIGHEST percentage of external aspect which(Each sentence has one main verb) was dealing ...
... it rose at TO 65 percent. THE Communication SKILL in ABOUT THE knowledge of product (...) 6 percent and 3 percent RESPECTIVELY.

In contrast, all of aspects in internal ...
Listening to colleagues was the highest skill MOST IMPORTANT SKILL among other which is(I don't know why you always include the conjunction, whereas you can put the preposition) AT 47 percent in 2006. THE Ability to training people (...) went up by 5 percent among BETWEEN 1997 and 2006.

Writing Feedback / The survey result about essential soft-skill in communication for daily routines [4]

Hi Ivan...
These are my corrections for your writing. Before I review deeply, I suggest you add words when you write. This is very risky because you only write less than 160 words. Generally, most of people write this section 165- 175 words. Hopefully, you can explore more of your idea in the next term.

... survey result about ESSENTIAL soft-skill in communication which is important for daily routines...
...people considering that THE ABILITY OF EXTERNAL COMMUNICATION WAS MORE NEEDED THAN THE INTERNAL COMMUNICATION. MOREOVER, all aspects of communication to ... (I suggest you create 2 sentences in the overview)


I ever told you that your job is to compare the figures. Subsequently, you are supposed to show comparisons in all paragraphs.
WHILE THE PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE ASKED BY ADVISING CLIENTS INCREASED BY 3 PERCENT FROM 36, THE SKILL OWNED BY WORKERS TO SELL A PRODUCT SHOWED THE REVERSE TREND WITH A DECREASE BY 3% TO 21%.

Hopefully, you can be braver to compare the figures.
Overall, you have shown the positive progress.
GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR PROCESS

Writing Feedback / 100 out of 650 million of people having a physical disability in the world need wheelchairs. [2]

Hi Wasisha..
These are my a few corrections for your summary.

... of people having A physical disability in ...
... with disability embrace AN independent lifestyle.
... for wheelchair users is A house. There are many parts of THE house which require , REQUIRING (you should conduct reducing here) certain condition such in A bathroom with grab bars, ...

... demanding public buildings to be THE TRACK OF wheelchair friendly.
... interior necessitates wide corridor and ...
Many A LARGE NUMBER OF cities have already had A subway and bus system to serve THE wheelchair user ...
... as access to THE wheelchair.
Note: Actually, your summary is a good job. However, you still make mistakes grammatically, especially use of articles. Besides that, you should make your sentences more various. you can use the technic of both reducing and omitting. Turning to the flow, you can display your information well. You only need harnessing the linking words to make your move smoother. I really believe you can show the better progress if you wanna practice more and more

Overall, GOOD JOB
Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Perspective of Electronic Media Effect in People Relationship [4]

Hi Miss Sarlinda.
These are my corrections for your essay

Today, the electronic media usage of BY common people becomeS an essential thing ...
... become depending on THE electronic media usage as a part of their necessary IN THE WHOLE all the time in every day . Because of OWING TO benefits an ...

Somehow, I believe the presence of the electronic media gave us many ...(Please, focus on the question because there displayed the prompts which will guide you to explain)

... the people keep their relationship by remote communication with their colleagues IN A REMOTE AREA.
... communication with THE family in other ...

... media such as THE mobile phone, laptop and notebook were ARE launched with any features which supporting communication (...) because the people now THESE DAYS can download any ...

For example, a THE mobile phone or notebook which completeD with online access ...

Note: Well, I have read your essay closely. I got the conclusion that you only review your reasons why you disagree with the statement. However, you have to uderstand deeply the question


You should also explain that if you agree with the statement, you have the reason. be careful of this matter because it relates to the task responses.

However, you have show the postistive progress. I firmly believe that you can master this skill. You only need providing the time to practice more and more.

keep Spirit
Happy Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Article Summary - Did China discover America [4]

Hi Lincoln.
these are a few improvements for your summary.
GOOD LUCK
The majority OF people argue (...) before Columbus FOUND IT. It is supported by the map, entitled "General chart of the integrated world" after he did CONDUCTED seven voyages for 30 years.

... by a Shanghai lawyer, NAMELY Liu Gang. He argues D it proves that Zheng ...

... of the world by WITH both south and ...
European travelers finished THE discovery like ...
He argues D the map IS copied onto a European map.

Writing Feedback / Information about people's opinion related to communication ability very useful in their occupation [2]

Hi Faiz.
These are a few of corrections.

... related to communication ability that(If you wanna omit, you do totally) very useful for their occupation in TWO DISTINCT YEARS; 1997 and 2006. Overall, the average of external communication percentage is higher than internal IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY THAT THE EXTERNAL COMMUNICATION WAS MORE NEEDED THAT THE INTERNAL COMMUNICATION(You should convert your data to reality information).Besides that APART FROM THAT, dealing with people is ...

... and external only have CHANGES less than ten percent ...
We can see in FACTORS OF THE external sides , knowledge of product had BY FAR the highest change ...

Note: Based on the grammar, you have shown the positive progress. You only need improving your ability to group the data. I suggest you read the examples of the writing task 1.

keep writing
Happy writing

Writing Feedback / People's were asked about communication ability which they needed and used in their job [2]

Hi Mr. Mardian.
These are my thoughts for your writing. Please, review my notes.

... percentage of people's answer that were(You should omit this conjunction so that here seems a large number of the conjunctions)asked about communication ability ABILITIES which they were needed in their A job in ...

...all of the percentageS were rising while (...) was falling between 1997 and 2006 IN THAT PERIOD. And MOREOVER, ("and" is the conjunction. You needed a linking word) the percentage of all correspondences wasunder seventy five percent.(I have told you previously that you should not mention the number detailed in the overview)

... selling a product or service fell HAD FELL by 3 percent from ...
... with people aspects in 1997 where WHILE the lowest percentage ...

In internal communication TURNING TO FACTORS OF THE INTERNAL COMMUNICATION, all of the percentageS (pay attention to plural and singular) were rising over ...
... carefully to colleagues, REGARDING at 47 percent in (...) or presentations, REPRESENTING at 7 percent in 1997. There was the smallest changed between 1997 ...

Writing Feedback / I agree, that the aircraft can make human avoid the impact of air pollution on the earth. [2]

Hi Goldie..
These are my view of point about your essay. Meet my notes and deal with them.


It is really different with the statement. You cannot include an opposite statement for the introduction paragraph.


Your score can fall down because you did not paraphrase the statement. This matter relates to lexical resources in band descriptors. Please, call your attention to paraphrasing.


You really want to explain like that. Make you sure that what you write is what you mind. I think traveling by the air transportation can increase the percentage of pollution, not reverse.


This is the same case. I think you have got the point of the question. It is so far of the prompts give. You have explained out of the topic.

Please, you rewrite this question.

Note: I suggest you provide the time for 5-10 minutes to understand the question and conduct brainstorming.

Keep writing
GOOD LUCK
:D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Bulgarians who wanted to live in another country [3]

Hi Ifra.
These are my corrections for your writing. Please, review my notes.

... about how many BULGARIAN 'S people wanted to (...) new life at IN other countries ...
Overall, people who got FINISHING junior high school degree is BY FAR the highest percentage, from other levels planning to leave BulgariaN. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GRADUATING THE PRIMARY AND LOWER SCHOOL EXPERIENCED AN INCREASE, OTHER FIGURES DECLINED IN THE LAST PERIOD.

(Keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences so that I suggest you create 2 sentences for the overview)

In 2002, 65 percent of secondary educational bulgarians FROM THE SECONDARY EDUCATION wanted to move ...
... from those inhabitants which was AT 61 percent.
... percent of Bulgarians WHO had planning to live outside that county. COUNTRY

But HOWEVER, there was (Avoid repetition) a THE sharp difference between ...
People who came from THE primary and lower education was THE higher percentage (...) from THE higher education which was AT 32 percent and 9 percent RESPECTIVELY.

Note: Please, remember always that your job in the writing task is to compare the data, not describe separately.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The data about educational background of Bulgarian Inhabitants who wanted to stay abroad [2]

Hi Faiz.
These are my few corrections for your writing.
Please, review them.

... who wanted to stay in abroad in 2002, ...
Overall, most of people had secondary education(It's not clear) IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE CITIZENS GRADUATING FORM THE SECOND SCHOOL DOMINATED IN THE PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE GOING ABROAD, and the percentage are almost tripled(Avoid the detailed information in the overview) in 2002 and 2006 ...

... higher education had AN unstable trend, ...

... middle education had BY FAR the highest number in ...
It's(Never ever ever make contraction in the formal writing) also only had a slight decrease (...) downward by two percent in 2008. (You still describe safely. You have to remember that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not describe separately)

Besides ON THE OTHER HAND, the number of higher education (Not the school, but people/ citizens. Please, make you sure that what you write is what you mind) THE PERCENTAGE OF STUDENTS WHO FINISHED THE THE HIGHER SCHOOL AND WANTED CONTINUING THEIR ACTIVITY IN ANOTHER COUNTRY had fluctuate trend because (...) 20 percent in 2006, AND it decreased by more than half in to 9 percent IN THE LAST TIMELINE. In contrast, THE FIGURE OF THE elementary education rose ...

Student Talk / What are the ways to improve my essay writing? [17]

Hello Askan.
The key to improve your skill in writing is practice. As many as you practice, you can master this skill quicker. If you want others to help you, you can create a writing and upload here. We will help you to finalize yours in sides of grammar and contents. Almost all grammar books can lend a hand, but those cannot work on condition that you do not practice so that please you begin writing.

First, you can order a topic. After that, you make writing about them and upload here, but you do not forget to attach the question and picture about your material. I really believe you can show the better progress if you wanna review feedback of the other participants.

Keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The percentage of juvenile ever born by women aged 40-44s in Australia in 1981, 1986, 1996, and 2006 [3]

Hi wasisha..
These are my corrections for your writing. Please, meet my notes and review them.
^_^
... aged 40-44 in Australia in FOUR DIFFERENT YEARS; 1981, 1986, 1996, and 2006. Overall, it can be seen that MOST OF WOMEN IN THAT CATEGORY HAD TWO CHILDREN. INA ANY CASE, after 1980's, THE PERCENTAGE OF women with three or more children has HAD declined and , WHILE there were noticeably riseS for women WHICH had not children at all.

(Make you sure that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. Therefore, you should create 2 sentences for the overview)

In BETWEEN1981 and 1986, for women (...) children proportion HAD increased progressively BY 1.2%, 1.1%, AND 6.6% at9.7%, 8.7% and 35.6%in 1986(you should harnesS the past perfect here so that you display difference between two years) respectively; in contrast, women were(Actually, here are whO and were, but I omit them) more likely to (...) markedly dropPED in to 27.0% from 27.4% ...

(Pay attention to consitency of the tense)

... that ever born had A similar trend ...
There were WAS (Verb Agreement and articles are essential factors) A significant jump FOR THE RATE OF the women were childless ( FROM 12.8% and TO 15.9%) , and THE LEVELS OF WOMEN WHO only had one child WERE ( IN11.3%(1996) and 13.2% (2006))in 1996 and 2006 from 1996 and 2006

Writing Feedback / Proportion of money spent on junk food, statistics from 1970 to 1990 [3]

Hi riandi.
These are my thoughts to finalize your writing

... of money spent on CONSUMING KINDS OF junk food by different...
Overall,except the low level earnings, (...) money on hamburgerIT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT HAMBURGER WAS THE MOST POPULAR FAST FOOD IN UK(Although the low income did not reach the highest rate for hamburger, generally it became the most popular if the rates of all group were calculated and added).

... hamburger and fish HAD experienced an increase, but pizza saw HAD SEEN a reduction.(You should harness the past perfect)

Turning to the first body paragraph, you described the data well. However, it still lacked challenge. You seemed like listing the data. First, you explain all items in the group of the high income. After that, you review the information about the middle income. Actually, you should compare the item amongst the groups directly. I mean that you compare the positions of hamburger in all group. Following that, you conduct explanation like that for other junk foods.

For the second paragraph, you successfully compared the levels of fast foods. You only need keeping consistent to use the tense. Sometimes you forget that you review the data in the past, but you use the simple present.

While pizza remains unchanged at just over 100

Hopefully, these can help you

Writing Feedback / Summary TED: The best question that people always say [5]

Hi Matthew.
These are a few correction and suggestions to finalize your summary. Actually, yours is a good job. You only need to make this smoother when you explain from a topic to another topic. You are supposed to order the transitive words appropriately.

Overall, good job
GOOD LUCK to next writing

The most common questions that people always ask are how succesSfull you would be (....) wake up and do personal exercice EXERCISE like a gym.

In THIS modern era, there are some people who have enormousnumber PLENTY of money. They believe that THE money cannot ...
Interestingly, althought ALTHOUGH they can purchase ...

This condition have HAS been happening (...), but now he can COULD HAVE solveD the problem.
... give them positive feedback which leads LEADING (You should conduct reducing here) to happiness.

Writing Feedback / How to see the thoughts you don't know you are having - Article Summary - To know your brain [2]

Hi Lincoln..
These are my thoughts. Actually, this is good, but I offer you a few improvements.
GOOD LUCK

Those are in AN unconscious area in which WHERE (please you pick up the proper conjunction) almost all people...
In AN actual fact, a few experimental ...
MEANWhile (you needed a transitive word. You have to remember that "while" is the conjunction) , another researcher, (...) Las Vegas, provides PROVIDED A different approach.

After a half of decade, he has concluded that minority ...

Note: Please, you pay attention to use of past and perfect tense. I have found you were sometimes confused to order them. Besides that, you have to distinguish between use of the transitive word and conjunction.

Overall, it is a good job

Writing Feedback / TED article - David Christian- The history of our world [3]

Hi Lincoln..
Actually, your summary is good. However, you have to call your attention to some matters. Please, meet my notes to understand what I mean.

A question which is(you should omit the conjunction) asked by David Christian ...
... explanation from A CIRCUMSTANCE 13.7 billion years ago, when there (...) as the core of THE universe.

The differences between human and an THE other beings is human have HAS a complex language system.
... even in extreme environmentS such as dessert, ...
And in the modern age, A myriad of people are linked withTO THE internet.

pay attention:
1. Make your sentence more various. learn about reducing and omitting.
2. Use of articles
3. plural and singular
4. verb agreement

Please, before you upload yours, you should reread so that you can diminish your faults.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Time's Summary: Pro-Government Demonstrators Clash With Opposition in Caracas [2]

Hi Alfa..
Actually, your summary is a good job. However, let me finalize this.
GOOD LUCK
^_^

Today THESE DAYS, protest wave in Venezuela ...
... National Assembly building,(Don't forget to put a comma if those are different subjects) and THAT situation has A high tension in ...
... they get violence from THE military who support ...
... Nicolas Maduro is a THE new dictator in THE modern era. Moreover, they say SAID about inflation (...) free-falling of THE economy, lack of food (...) and good stuff are(Actually, here is a conjunction, but I reduce it) rarely in that country. The majority of oppositionS said Maduro ...

They, furthermore, said Maduro was brought that country far cry from initial tracks(you should rewrite this sentence because readers get difficult to acquire your point) . This congressional debate is important taking SINCE IT TAKES into the consideration BASED on the fact ...

Either parliament wantS to impeach the president or not.

Writing Feedback / Happiness degree in percent related to relationship status and the effect of children appearance [2]

Hi Faiz..
These are my corrections to finalize yours.

... about happiness degreeS in percentAGE related to relationship (...) the spouse life in United States . Overall, both of them don't DO NOT (Never ever use contraction in the formal writing) reachfifty percent.(Avoid mentioning detailed information in the overview) It is also shown that connubial ...

... people who already married, have the highest happiness ...
... people have almost half AS MUCH exaltation compared ...

... people who have pupils(Be careful of paraphrasing. Don't change meaning) or not, so we can ...

Note: You are supposed to reread before you upload. make you sure that what you write is what you mind, especially paraphrasing.

Writing Feedback / Plenty of books had been read by women and men from 2011 to 2014 at Burnaby Public Library [2]

Hi Edho..
Actually, your writing is a good job. However, I give you a few corrections to enhance the quality of your writing.
Please, meet my notes and deal with them.

... information about A plenty NUMBER of books which had ...
Overall, despite having an upward trend, both of them ...
Overall, all figures experienced significant changes in the number of books read. Eventually, men read more books than women.
(Keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least three sentences so that you should create 2 sentences for the overview)

..., more women read THE book at Burnaby Public (...) was showed in AS THE RATE OF men MALE READERS. This leads HAD LED to a narrowed ...

... has been read by maleS experienced a ...

... the graph shows that, between 2012 and 2013 THE female readers HAD increased slightly ...
Next FOLLOWING A YEAR, while a marked decrease ...

Writing Feedback / Happiness ratings for people who have partner and do not have partner in the US [5]

Hi Wily..
I hope these can finalize your writing.
GOOD LUCK


Be careful of paraphrasing. Actually, in the technic of paraphrasing, you must not paraphrase one by one word. When you change structure of the sentence, it is also paraphrasing. be careful of ordering the word. Partner has different meaning with married couple.


Happiness is the uncountable noun. Don't use the higher number for the uncountable noun. This is an alternative sentence for your overview.
Overall, it can be obviously seen that the married couple in the USA feels happier than the unmarried person.


HOWEVER,........
You have to remember distinguishing between the conjunction and transitive word. There needs the transitive word after a period.


at 44 percent for happiness, WHILE THE MARRIED COUPLES have

Writing Feedback / The English teachers were three times less popular in Ontario, than the French language tutors there [3]

Hi Miss Sarlinda.
I have read your writing closely. These are a few suggestions to finalize yours. Please, pay attention to my note and deal with them.



Miss, avoid mentioning detailed information in an overview. If there is a tendency to focus on details, your score will fall down to 5. In this moment, I will try to give you the example of overview.

OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT THE ENGLISH-LANGUAGE TEACHERS DOMINATED THE WORKPLACE IN ONTARIO INITIALLY, BUT THAT POSITION HAD BEEN SUCCESSFULLY SURPASSED BY PROFESSIONALS TEACHING FRENCH LANGUAGE. MOREOVER, A GAP BETWEEN BOTH FIGURES HAVE WIDENED.

A closer look at your body paragraph reveals that you only played safely. You have to remember that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not describe separately. One of the prompts in the writing is your skill to compare. Please, you keep in your mind about this matter.

Well, I wanna demonstrate the example of comparisons.

IN THE FIRST PERIOD, THE NUMBER OF PROFESSIONALS TEACHING ENGLISH WAS MORE THAN TEACHING FRENCH LANGUAGE, REGARDING AT 75% AND 705 RESPECTIVELY. HOWEVER, THOSE POSITIONS HAD CHANGED SURPRISINGLY. FOLLOWING SIX YEARS, THE FORMER FELT TO APPROXIMATELY ONE-THIRDS OF THE BEGINNING PERCENTAGE, WHILE THE LATTER SUCCESSFULLY TOOK OVER THE POSITION OF THE ENGLISH TEACHERS, WITH THE PERCENTAGE AT THE 2001 ENGLISH TEACHERS FIGURE.

Hopefully, those can enhance your skill to display the data.
I believe you can show the better progress. Practice more and more, and you only wait and see your outcomes.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / It\s hard for some people to build their first business enterprise instead of working as an employee [2]

Hi Anna..
These are my corrections to make yours better. Please, review them
^_^

... instead of working as AN employee in a particular place. Since they think, THAT it needs a lot ...


Anna, focus on the question. You have avoided prompts given in the statement. The question asks you to display whether being an entrepreneur has more advantages than drawbacks. One of the essential points in writing task 2 is task response.

Turning to the body paragraph, I have not found answers to the task responses totally. This follows out of the topic. You should explain that if someone becomes the entrepreneur, positive aspects and drawback what they will get. After that, you consider them whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. There is an explanation widely, but your finishing cannot sharp the prompts. Actually, you can write well because you have made a large number of mistakes grammatically. You only need to conduct brainstorming better so that you still review in the edge of the prompts.

I suggest you read the examples of writing task 2. As many as you read them, you can get the points and sense of essay.
I believe you have a big opportunity to master this skill
Keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Students are not given a freedom to express what they think, and it kills their creativeness [3]

Hi Lincoln
These are a few corrections to finalize your summary. Please, meet and deal with them.
^_^

They are keen to get ON GETTING (Pay attention the meaning and collocation) new insights which (...) in their life, AND then make life easier. However, the students in THE school are commanded to obay OBEY all teacher's instructions ...

... children are born as an artist,(If there are different subjects, you should put a comma) and a parent ...
... keep them as an artist is ARE to MAKING THEM (make you sure that what you write is what you mind) understand two ...
Several children think the world as they THEIR experience.
... through several approaches;are movement, ...
In addition, A majority of children generateS a thought (...) which interactS and transfers ...

Overall, it is a good job.

Writing Feedback / An extraordinary capacity of creativity can be obtained by having a willing to be wrong [2]

Hi Nurul.
These are my thoughts towards your summary. Hopefully, these can help you to finalize yours

Every child has AN extraordinary capacity (...) by having a willING to be wrong.
... system was developed to fulfilL A job and industry demand. But HOWEVER, THE jobs now need not (...) but also THE creativity.

Firstly, THE intelligence is diverse, (...) many different ways - SUCH AS in sound, movement, AND visually. The second is dynamic, STATING THAT intelligence ...
The third is distinct, it means MEANING (I conduct reducing here) that people have ...

... to use their not only THE intelligences but also THE imaginations and ...
... principles in educating THE creativity to the children.

Note:
Actually, your summary is a good job because readers can get the points. However, you still improve your skill for writing. Please, you learn about linking words, reducing, and omitting.

^_^

Writing Feedback / Population in the state of Oregon by County from 1940 to 2000 [3]

Hi Miftah.
I have read your writing closely. In this moment, I am gonna offer a few corrections to finalize yours. Please, you meet my notes and review them.

... number of population, which is measured in thousands over A 60-year period ...
... population rose significantly among RATHER THAN two other counties.

Turning to the body paragraph, you can describe the data well when we only focus on grammar. However, you have to remember that your job in the writing task 1 is comparing figures, not describing them separately. Honestly, you can reach the score, but it cannot help you to reach the score more than 6 because you play safely. You are supposed to have a bravery to compare the figures relating each other. These below are the example sentences to build a paragraph consisting comparisons.

Initially, more people preferred to live in Washington. Its population reached at 75 thousand and was by far the highest popultaion. For two other countries, the population numbers stood at a very similar rate at approxiamtely 30 thousand. However, by 2000, there had been a significant change. A gap between the figure for Washington and other countries widened out from 45 to over 150 thousand. Interestingly, Columbia's population rate had fallen back to the level of the 1940 Washington figure, representing at 75 thousand.

Hopefully, those can help you to get the points of the writing task 1.
I believe you can master this skill if you wanna practice more and more.
Keep writing.
GOOD LUCK :D

Writing Feedback / How the electricity can be produced by wind turbine and where is the best location to put it [3]

... how the electricity can be produced GENERATED by A wind turbine and where is the best APPROPRIATE locationS to put it PRODUCE THE ELECTRICITY OPTIMALLY. Overall, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT THE WIND TURBINE CONSISTS OF FIVE PRIMARY ELEMENTS. MOREOVER, the most powerful (...) it is located in the the sea.

A THE wind turbine consists (...) blades which is(You should conduct reducing here) made by fibreglass or ...
First of all, THE wind comes from ...
After that, the blades rotate,(Don't forget to locate a comma if those are different subjects) and THE wind sensor (...) while THE computer gets THE information from THE sensor to adjust (...) if it IS necessary.

THE Location of a wind turbine ...
There are three choices OPTIONS to put LOCATE a THE wind turbine ...
Even WHEREAS on the hill and in (...) enormous wind but , the optimum location is (...) but also the landscape which is not spoiled. If a THE wind turbine is located (...) than the turbine which is located in the ...

Note: Actually, you have describeD the data well. you have shown a positive progress. However, you have to remember about use of articles "the/a/an". Besides that, you should order a phrase to guide readers that you explain an overview.

I really believe you can show the positive progress in the term. Don't be bored to practice more and more
Keep Spirit
Happy Writing
GOOD LUCK :D

Writing Feedback / The illustrations shows the process of generating electricity by using wind rotary motor [5]

Hi Anna.
These are a few corrections to finalize your writing. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.
GOOD LUCK
:D

The illustrations PICTURES show the process of (...) rotary motor that locateD in the three different places. Overall, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT THE TURBINE CONSISTS OF FIVE PRIMARY ELEMENTS. IN ANY CASE, THE domestic turbine uses slower wind strength SLOWER than two other turbines where it is THOSE ARE located in the sea and in the hill.

..., such as A steel tower, blade fiberglass, ...
Firstly, THE wind blows over the particular part of THE turbine on the blades.
... responded by THE wind sensors, in which . THERE IS ALSO A computer is used to get information from THE sensor to adjust ...
THE Wind sensor manages speed ...
Then, THE wind will be generated HARNESSED TO GENERATE by generator to produce 100 kilowatts of current.

The second location of THE other turbine ...
... the turbine that is located in ON (pay attention to collocation) the mainland.
The electricity that is (you should reduce that conjunction) released by the ...
... tower brings benefit, which BECAUSE (you are supposed to order the proper conjunction) it does not disturb ...
The ANOTHER turbine tower three is in ON the hill. THE Wind comeS upon to the tower and passES the same process like THE other towers.

Both of these turbines produce GENERATE larger current than THE domestic turbine. 250w

Writing Feedback / The electricity generating design from wind turbine and its best place as location [2]

Hi Miss Meireza..
These are my thoughts towards your writing. Hopefully, these can finalize yours. Please, meet my notes and review them.

The diagrams illustrate electricity generating design from COMPONENTS OF AN ELECTRICITY GENERATOR KNOWN-WELL AS A wind turbine and where it optimum locations CAN PRODUCE THE ELECTRICITY MAXIMALLY. In general, the equipment of wind turbine consists ...(You should display the detailed information in the body paragraph) OVERALL, IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT THE TECHNOLOGY CONSISTS OF FIVE PRIMARY ELEMENTS. Meanwhile MOREOVER, THE wind turbines ARE able to be placed ...

THE Wind turbine in the sea DOES not spoiled it landscape.

... when blades are propeled to rotate PROPELLED by STRENGTH OF THE wind. THE Wind sensor readS the speed and direction of THE wind. The Computer receiveS THAT infoRMATION from THE sensor to adjusts THE blades with THE wind direction and angle. It makes generator produceS 1.5 megawatts OF THE electicity output.

Please, pay attention to VERB AGREEMENT

The wind turbines which are(It should be reduced) placed on the hill ...
More electricity can be generated (...), each of them produceS 1.5 megawatts. Whereas HOWEVER, THE domestic turbine IS only able to (...) output of THE electricity

Trust me, you will show the positive progress if you wanna provide more time to practice more and more.
Keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Naturan process - Erosion of a headland [2]

Hi Ilmi.
These are a few suggestions to improve your writing. Hopefully, these can help and finalize yours.

... there are four primary stages which begin BEGUN (make you sure that what you write is what you mind. You should make it passive word) with rock destruction ...

... top layer, stack, and stump, subsequently.

In this stage, THE sea wave which has (...), and it results in forming SHAPE a small cave.
... larger and larger in size, before creating a (...) Door, and Dorest. DORSET

... called stack formation in which WHERE sea water hits ...
..., called a THE stack. Afterwards, the water still erodeS the stack (...) its length becomeS narrower.
... remains a small pieces of stump ...

Note: Actually, you describe this well and systematically. I have found the good flow and the sense of this writing. However, you still make mistakes which you actually could avoid them. Please, you reread your writing before you upload in order to diminish your faults.

OVERALL, IT is a good job.

Writing Feedback / Technology has encouraged many developed countries to advance space exploration [2]

Hi Miss Dhyla..
These are my thoughts towards your essay. Hopefully, these can help you.

... space exploration, but the number A LARGE NUMBER of experts argue (...) to national's advantages outweigh THAN the international effort ...
... dominate and control all access in TO the outer space such THE information technology while IT encourageS the global telecommunications.

America(Avoid to pick up a name in your essay because it can make you seem subjective. It is better if you mention all developed countries generally) is the one of advanceD countries which (...) to improve THE information technology.

... like high technology in THE communication system.
In 2006, the government in America, carried out [....] are investigating a satellite in the outer space.
(Honestly, you denied the prompts given in the question. Actually, It asks you to decide your position whether you agree the opinion that "The space exploration is a nation pride" or not. However, you explained the reason the country conducts the space exploration. be careful of the task responses because it decides your score. pay attention to micro keywords displayed in the statement)

Turning to the second body paragraph, your essay are free of major mistakes grammatically. However, you still missed the prompt. That is out the topic clearly. One of essential things paid is focusing on the prompts.

I really believe you can write the better essay in the next term. As many as you practice, you can master this deeply.
Keep spirit
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2-media-celebrity-ordinary people. On which group media should focus more? [6]

Hi Miss Pramudia.
These are my thoughts towards your essay. Please, meet my notes and review those.

... celebrity's stories have become A popular program that was(You should reduce this) shown in ON many mediaS, like a television, radio, YouTube (This is not equal with television. perhaps, you should write THE INTERNET), and many more GO ON. MEANWhile (You are supposed to distinguish between linking word and conjunction) , some people think that common citizenS should be given ...

In my POINT OF view, both of them have not ...

First of all, THE live and relationship of ...
It just told TELLS about artist'S lifestyle, and most of ...
It is just make viewer tend ...
Then, THE relationship of famous (...) other people do not necessary NEED to know.
(Honestly, you have avoided the prompts given in this statement. In this case, you should focus on ordinary people. There are micro keywords showing the edge of explanation. Besides that, you have not elucidated systematically. You demonstrated your opinion, but you display supporting sentences like an example. If you commit that again, it will seem like layman's opinion.)

Similar to celebrities, ON ONE HAND (you should harness proper transitive words ), exposing activity of (...) constructive effort for THE audience.
(please, you explain your view systematically. It is not important if you only list your idea.)


(Actually, I am confused because you tended to offer new explanation in this essay whereas you did not review the prompts relatively. pay attention to task achievement given in the question. If you cannot answer them, your score can fall down to 5)

Note:
1. "While" is the conjunction. It is used to merge two sentences. You should write "MEANWHILE" if you wanna use as the linking word.

2. Keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences.

I really believe you can improve your skill if you wanna provide more time to practice again and again.
Keep spirit
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Numbers of first-year teachers hired in some language schools in Canada [2]

Hi Miss Septi.
Don't forget to attach a picture relating to your data so that others can give feedback totally.
Septi, please let me finalize your writing to boost your score in the written section .

... job for language teachers AS FRESH GRADUATE in Ontario based ...
According to the graph, OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT there was a slight (...) teachers, meanwhile ("Meanwhile" is a transitive word. It is put at the first sentence and used to merge two sentences because that is not a conjunction) WHILE the percentage of English-language ...

Overall, FURTHERMORE, the percenage PERCENTAGE (be careful of misspelling as that is one of major mistakes) of French-language teachers ...

In 2001 INITIALLY, the percentage RATE of French-language teachers stood at seven in tenTHS. In the next FIRST TWO yearS, it dipped by 23% to 52% RESPECTIVELY and went up ...

Over the next four-year period, there was a slight increase in the percentage. In 2007, the percentage reached a peak at 75%.(Trust me, you cannot reach the score more 6 because you passed a prompt in the writing task 1. keep in your mind that your job is to compare the figures, don't describe the figures separately. It is not attractive. Please, you have a bravery to do it)

Turning to the second body paragraph, you still described the data separately. Well, you can inform the data to readers, but it did not seem interesting. You are supposed to compare the figures of french and English teachers. you have to conduct like that if you wanna reach the score more than 6.

Please, you review my suggestions to improve your writing.
I personally believe that you can boost your skill if you wanna read the examples of writing task1 and practice more and more.
keep spirit
GOOD LUCK :D

Writing Feedback / The range of fresh regular teachers in Ontario - back from 2001 to 2007. [3]

Hi Aini.
These are my thoughts towards your writing. please, review mine.
^_^

The line graph gives information about...A BREAKDOWN OF PERCENTAGES FOR FOR FRESH TEACHERS GETTING A REGULER JOB IN ONTARIO FROM 2001 TO 2007, A 7-YEAR PERIOD IS PRESENTED IN THE LINE GRAPH. Overall, a number of teachers who teach english ... IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT THERE HAD BEEN WIDELY A GAP BETWEEN THE NUMBER OF EDUCATOR TEACHING BOTH ENGLISH AND FRENCH LANGUAGE . Generally, it can be seen that demanded MOREOVER, DEMAND of french languange teachers HAD BEEN bigger than english teachers.

Note: "Meanwhile" is a transitive word. It is put at the first sentence and used to merge two sentences bacause that is not a conjunction. Besides that, before you upload your writing, you should reread your to make you sure that what you write is what you mind.

INITIALLY, The number of english ...
It was about 70 percent in 2001 . For the following year, the number fell by 20 percent.(You describe the data safely. remember your job in the writing task 1 that you have compare the figures.)

Turning to the body paragraph 2, you still described the data separately. Well, you can inform the data to readers, but it did not seem interesting. You are supposed to compare between the figures of french and English teachers. If you do not conduct like that, you cannot reach the score more than 6.

On condition that you wanna find the sense of writing task 1, you should read the examples of writing task 1 as many as possible. After that, you have to provide more time to practice again and again.

keep spirit
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The kind of trouble that society usually have after moving overseas [4]

Hi Aini.
Welcome to Essay Forum. You have been a right medium to boost your skill. I hope you can participate actively in this website and follow suggestion given other members. In this moment, let me finalize your writing. please, meet my notes and deal with them.

... about kindS of trouble that society usually have FACED BY CITIZENS when they move to overseas according to CATEGORIZED IN THREE DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS ages . Generally, OVERALL, IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT people aged 35-55 (...) health as the biggest MOST SERIOUS problem they faced out, . Meanwhile (This is a transitive word so that you need a period), for young people (...) become the first POSITION IN CLUSTERS OF problemS WHICH THEY GET, and searching (...) become the last RANK IN THIS CATEGORYproblem in all ages. GROUPS

A CLOSER LOOK REVEALS THAT For young people , looking for money is the biggest problem IN THE CLUSTER OF YOUNG PEOPLE. A problem experienced by just , REPRESENTING AT 34 percent.

... 35-54 chooseS THE money as the second HIGHEST problem although , AND (Please, you order the conjunction properly. make you sure that what you write is what you mind )the THIS PROPORTION percentage is bigger than young people which is , STATING AT 35 percent. Only about 23 percent people in THE AGE GROUP over 55 have this problem.

NEEDS OF Healthcare become the most MAJOR problem in middle ...
Both of them have THE similar value ...
Old people choose THE health care as the first problem MOST IMPORTANT FACTOR they have, ...

... is the last MATTER and the less problem that people have in every ages AGE CLUSTER. The biggest percentage is had IS COMMANDED by people aged 35-54 YEARS OLD WITH THE RATE AT about 19 percent. Then AFTER THAT, it is followed by young people and eldery people.

I really believe you can show the positive progress in this skill on condition that you wanna practice more and more.
Keep spirit..
GOOD LUCK :D

Writing Feedback / Middle aged people have the highest problem over all activities in a new living place [5]

Hi Mardian.
Welcome to Essay Forum. You have been a right website to improve your skill so that you are supposed to harness as well as possible.

let me finalize your writing throughout my thoughts.

The chart shows information about the problems for people who come to visit MOVE TO another country according to the THREE DIFFERENT age GROUPS.


(Be careful to decide a general trend. In my point of view, each problem dominates in different groups. Pay attention to appropriate information because if you display the data inappropriately, your score can fall down to 5. The overview is one of essential elements in the writing task 1)

The ITS percentage is 38 percent of this problem TOTAL OF MEMBERS IN THIS GROUP. However, only 35 percent of THE GROUP OF 35-54 YEARS is hard to gain ...

And AFTER THAT, THE FIGURE then getS higher than ...
At the end LASTLY, it is a decrease(Don't use the language of change in this case because these figures are different) to 28 percent ...

Searching(Make you sure that what you write is what you mind. be careful of paraphrasing) FINDING THE school for people's children (...) age is the highest PROPORTION REPRESENTING of AT 18 percent and ...

Hopefully, those can help you to get the points of the writing task 1
I really believe you can master this skill if you wanna provide more time to practice more and more.
Keep spirit
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Health care resources and life expectancy in different countries [3]

Hi Eka.
Please, meet my notes and review them. Hopefully, those can help you. GOOD LUCK :D

measured in thousands in FOR eight different countries

OVERALL, It is clear that the largest number of medical care is used in Japan.


(I think this relates to the first case. I have not found its logic flow.)
IN ANY CASE, PROPORTIONS BETWEEN HEALTHY EXPENDITURE AND RANGE OF LIFE EXPECTANCY SHOW A REVERSE TREND.

... have been utilized TO COMPLY MEDICAL NEEDS in Japan and it THOSE becomes the highest use NEEDS amongST the other countries presented.


(where are its comparisons?. You still play safely. the point of the writing task 1 is bravery to compare the figures.)

INTERESTINGLY, THE TABLE DISPLAYS OPPOSITE TREND FOR TWO CIRCUMSTANCES. The table reveals that The United States of America spends the most expensive health care for each citizen accounted for almost 7 thousand dollars per person, but it only reaches 78 of average life expectancy. ON THE OTHER SIDE, This is slightly lower if it is compared

Writing Feedback / The chart compares the problems of citizens who stay outside their home countries [5]

Hi Reski..
Welcome to Essay Forum. Enjoy your process because you have been the right medium to boost your skill. Let me help you to finalize this.

The chart compares the problems of citizenS when THEY stay in ANother countries COUNTRY based on different age GROPUs. All in all, OVERALL, IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT the most severe issues of moving abroad is experienced by the middle age for all types of difficulty. IN ANY CASE, THE LIGHTEST MATTER FOR ALL GROUPS IS FINDING FORMAL EDUCATION FOR THEIR FAMILY.

(Keep in your mind that each paragraph is supposed to consist of more than 2 sentences. Therefore, you should create 2 sentence for the overview).

The biggest problem about money are experienced by age group 35-54 around 35 percent, then WHILE people ages AGING18-34 YEARS with HAS the percentage is BEING under 35 percent. While(WHILE is a conjunction, not a transitive word) FOLLOWING THAT, the oldest age category ...

... 38 percent is the biggest feature PROPORTION that IS underwent by people ages THE AGE GROUP OF 35-54 YEARS then people over 55 years old, with the percentage is under REPRESENTING AT BELOW 38 percent.

... just around 32 percent is OF young people have THE healthy problem.
... people are finding THE school for their children, WHERE (When you wanna merge 2 sentences, do not forget to include the conjunction)19 percent is the ...
It is the higher percentages if compares with young people and old people AMONGST ALL AGE GROUPS. People have HAVING 18-34 years-old is the second ...

I hope these can help you to improve your ability.
I really believe you can master this skill if you wanna provide much time to practice more and more.
Keep Spirit
GOOD LUCK
:D