Writing Feedback / TED Summary : We Train Soldiers for War. Let's Train Them to Come Home, too. [2]

Hi Edho,
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of TED Talks.

- In this TED video, the speaker name is Hector A. Garcia gives a speech about ... (combining these two sentences would be better I guess.)
- ... to veterans with post-traumatic (dash is needed) stress disorder (PTSD).
- During his speech, he shares about(about is inappropriate collocation for the word "share". It is better to omit preposition.) his experiences to take care of PTSD, identifiesidentify the impact of this disease, and also finds out how to treat veterans who getgot this problem.

- ... of psychology and biology thathave influencedinfluence human towardthrough PTSD.
-One of the method to healsolve this problem is thatby doing the same (...) in preparing its traineessoldiers for war.
- It is because in United States, the military have trained their armyarmies for war...
- Thus, when the army is back from the (...), their way of mentality thinkthinkingmake them think that they still live in a dangerous environment.

- Another way of ending human suffering that is caused by war is to never go to war, but it is very hard to happenthis is nearly impossible.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Should universities pay more to professors in order to improve the education quality, or not? [4]

Hi Dong Wang,
Welcome to EssayForum.. :)

I would like to focus directly on grammatical range and accuracy issues. I hope this would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- It is argued thatThere is a debate about whether universities should ...
- SomeOthers believe that the increase in salariesraising the salary can stimulateencourage professors to (...) teaching methods .
- However, as far as I am concerned, it is not necessarily the case.(unclear position. I am sure that you need to present a relevant or clear position here. Relevant or Clear position would help you achieving a high score)

2nd paragraph:
- It is undeniable thatThere is no denying thatsalary increaseraising salary can promoteenhance professors' motivation for teaching betterto teach better than they used to be , at least in a short term.(saying this one can weaken your argument)

- It is almost human nature that(try to vary your sentence structure)Naturally, one will become...
- Then, (comma) the passion will turn into action, improving the education performance.
- In other words, the motivation will vanish/disappear(choose one of them. I rarely see people write by using this symbol) before long.

I can see that you were proposing a solution towards this issue. I think that before expressing your ideas, it is better to express your disagreement first in the introductory paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Reading every day. The law of 33% - Tai Lopez [2]

Sari, your writing above is good; you are able to express your ideas orderly. This is the strength of your essay and you need to improve it during your next practice. However, it seems that there are several things to be considered, such as the use of punctuation mark; specifically the use of commas, and an issue with the lexical choice. Firstly, let's highlight the introductory sentence of your writing.

- Tai Lopez in TED Talk, (improper use of comma) presented that everyone desires to acquire a good life, but in the real life, some of them do not get a good life.

I have an alternate version of the above sentence as follows:

- Tai Lopez in TED Talk presented that everyone desires to acquire a good life, but not all people get it in the real life.

You used the word "good" in the original sentence which can make your essay looks less good. Try to avoid keeping use the same word over and over. You can use the synonym to overcome this problem. Also, don;t forget that practice more will make your writing better.

Writing Feedback / There are several predominant factors to reach happiness [3]

Ajeng, I have read through your essay. I found that the above essay is good. To make it better, you may consider the following notes:

1st Paragraph:
- ...some people say thatconsider happiness considered as one of (...) feelings .
- ...to reach happiness is not easeeasy ...

2nd Paragraph:
- Firstly, happiness consistsed of...
- Prosperity, success, and achievement...

3rd Paragraph:
- ... come from their hearth
- For illustrateexample , a husband will extremely happy to have a child (...), a student will be very happy if they ...

4th Paragraph:
- To reach happiness, people should be combine with several predominant factors ...
- Health and chance for instanceare the examples .

Good luck with your writing practice!

Writing Feedback / Nothing in this world is ideal, and my city is not an exception. [6]

Ashkan, I think that your statement and the whole content of your essay is contradictory. This is because you did explain about "couples of things" but the fact you only mentioned one particular thing that makes you sad / unsatisfied. Thus, it might hamper the final grading of your essay itself. This means your idea is not that consistent.

Moreover, I reckon that you also need to pick appropriate words to be used in this essay. Some words did not collocate properly. For example, when you say "time is gold" it wasn't collocated well. Time is indeed precious but not as precious as gold. You can say "precious time" instead of "time is gold". Then, when you say that you "visit" your hometown, I think is quite odd if you take a closer look on the meaning. You are not supposed to visit your hometown , but you are supposed to go home / come home to your hometown . "Visit" is the appropriate verb when you try to visit other places/towns but your hometown.

You are suggested to share the words limit to the reader. This would help us to check whether your essay has already fulfilled the minimum words count or not. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. You can upload the revision below my message. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / The process of air circulation which goes in and out in through several ventilation holes in house [4]

Hi Sarlinda,
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ... the processes of air circulation which goesout and inin and outacross of several waysthrough several ventilation holesofin the house.

- Overall devices ..... compositions. (This sentence is TOO LONG. Try to avoid making long-but-inaccurate sentence. This often leads to a sentence which has confusing structure. It will be dangerous towards your grammatical range and accuracy score)

It should be like this:
- Overall, it can be seen thatdevices of the process in releasesof releasing heat temperatures ofin the house madeis caused by the conventional method (...) by several ventilations. (stop here. New sentence)

- andIt was designed on the top andevery partof all partsin housesin the house for makesmaking the air easily circulates (...) into the houseshouse with balanced compositions.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The scheme informs the circulation of air and how the house loses its heat temperature [3]

1st paragraph:
- The scheme informs the circulation of airair circulation and how the house loses theirheat temperature is lost from the house because of the flow of airair leaks .

- Overall, it can be seen that / it is noticeable that / the most significant fact to emerge is that(pick one of them) the air that is located at near heat source goes out faster while the air which is located atin colder room goeswafts into the house.

- Where's the third sentence? Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

2nd paragraph:
- It can be seen that(this phrase should be in the introduction paragraph(overview))To begin with, the source of heat forces....
- ... because of the fireplace that is located atin the room.
- So thatThus , the intensity of air (...) area is the highest than theamong other rooms.
- The fan also contributes to move the airin making the air circulatecirculation in the room and move out the air such as bathroom fan vent, attic hatch, and kitchen fan vent.(This examples are quite confusing and I think the meaning is not connected with the sentence itself. This can possibly affect coherence and cohesion score.)

There you have it Ivan, I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practices :)

Scholarship / Being a public health practitioner in Egypt requires extremely wide network of connections CHEVENING [3]

Hi Hadeer,
Welcome to EF! :)

Kindly check my review on your essay. I hope this would be helpful.

Before that, I suggest you to give at least a space or one enter for each paragraph when you post a thread in this forum. This can help the reader to read and check your essay without any difficulties.

- ..., and any other potential partnerS .
- When I was a student, I had recognized the necessity (...) whethereither with faculty professors, (...) and researches which are organized by student. (stop here. New sentence)This activitiesthat are dedicated to the patients or public.

- I havehad(take a look at the previous sentence) also worked for numerous civil society organizations that focus on human rights and gender for example, (comma, not semicolon) Harass-Map Foundation (...) these are ultimatethe prime topics correlated to health issues.

- In my current role as a researcher and (...) at CDS, Idemonstrateddemonstrate extensive networking and influentialinfluencing skills.
- ... to several layers of communications .
- A great example that showsshows that this is an ongoing...
- ... broadening my prospective ofin the field of public health...
- In conclusion, I firmly/strongly/extremely believe that ...

Somehow, your essay is already quite good. Yet, some rooms for improvements still available. Good luck in revising this essay. Do not hesitate to ask further assistance if you need help. Just post the revision below this message. :)

Writing Feedback / The Attic Hatch is a circulation place where the largest amount of heat is lost [3]

Hi Septia,

I think this essay has clearer prompt than Ajeng did. Mentioning the clear prompt can help the reader in reading and checking your essay. However, please take a closer look on my feedback in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, the most obvious facts that arefact is that , Attic Hatch is a (...) amount of heat losts .
- In addition, dining room is a place where largest amount of air leaks(repetitive as like the previous sentence) in because there ...

2nd paragraph:
- Firstly, inthe air from the outdoor faucetgo through small gaps ...
... same circulation where air leaks through window, but air can also leak through some gaps ...

Your paragraph structure was already good. Yet, I can still notice some repetitiveness in the words usage. You are suggested to use synonyms and paraphrase your sentences. If you feel stuck, try to switch or use various type of sentences either active or passive sentences. This would be helpful in improving your lexical resource score. :)

Writing Feedback / The air leaking into the house in the first floor passes dryer vent, crawl space and windows [2]

1st paragraph:
- The diagram illustrates the circulation of airair circulation that waft throughentrance and exit from a house which cause a heat lost and energy wasted.(I am a little bit confused about this one)

- Overall, it can be seen that, air gettingare blown into the house from theany parts of house ...
- Meanwhile, the heat lost in the air rise through the ceiling to getleak out from the topupper part of the house.

2nd paragraph:
- ... in the first floor passesthrough dryer vent, crawl space and windows above of washing machine.
- ... and wall also become the ways for the air entrance theto enter the house.
- In the second floor, the air gettingwafting into the house (...) space at the door, (comma is needed to be placed before "and" while you list the nouns) and from ...

As you can see Ajeng, mind the word choices. You need to know that not all essay use common vocabularies. You need to use a proper synonym to use a word by checking it first whether the words are collocated properly or not. Inappropriate collocation would be dangerous towards your score.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Electronic devices have brought negative effects on human, especially in personal communication [3]

Hi Nur,

In your introduction, I suggest you to explain "...this essay will discuss the notion." briefly. You can summarize your ideas into a single sentence. Remember, an outline of your thesis statement is crucial for your score. You can keep dreaming to have band 6 or above if you still do this in the next practice. If you take a closer look on IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors, you will see that the requirement of band 6 is "overall progression" in coherence and cohesion part. There is no overall progression which explains briefly about your ideas. Thus, you are suggested to make one.

Then, I can notice that errors like fragmented sentences were quite noticeable. These are dangerous for your grammatical range and accuracy score. Please do make sure that errors like these "Because in certain situation or attitude of using it, they do not realize what they have told via text. Whether it insults their partner or not . , Because it also spreads fast and puclic . , and Since it can produce negative effect in private relationship among people. " Because/Since is a connector. A connector means that they have more than one clause. It needs to be fixed soon in the next practice. Try to find out by yourself and post it here. Let me check it further. Somehow, if you find out the solution yourself, you will be able to learn from your mistakes.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of telephone call duration in UK during 1995 to 2002 [4]

Hi Hayani,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

It is quite unfortunate that most new members have similar problem related to "missing picture/image/diagram/figure/chart" in their first threads. This can be avoided by the help of your personal referrals / tutors. Therefore, I would advise you to upload the proper picture to help us giving complete feedback towards your essay in the next writing practice.

1st paragraph:
- A breakdown of the information about telephone call duration in theUKUnited Kingdomduring the timefrom 1995 to 2002, (...) illustrated in the bar chart. (stop here, new sentence)It is categorized based on the call types.

- ... that local call standsstood asin the highest level of usingusage throughout the time frame while the telephone calls using mobilesusage of mobile telephone callsiswas the lowest one.

It is indeed you can use present simple in the first sentence of this paragraph, but when it comes to the "overview", it should be written based on the time signal. If it is in the past, you MUST write them in past form. Most IELTS candidates are failed to reach band 6 or above due to this unfortunate errors. You need to remember that an appropriate overview is needed if you want to reach band 6 or above.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The survey result about essential soft-skill in communication for daily routines [4]

Hi Ivan,
Kindly find my remarks below as an additional help towards your writing. I hope this would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- The figure shows the information aboutthe survey result about soft-skill survey result in communication which ...
- Overall, it can be seen that / it is noticeable that the percentage of people considering that all aspects of ... ("considering/concerning/regarding" should be without "that")

- one more sentence please

2nd paragraph:
- ... there was a significant increasegrowth(try to avoid repetitiveness) from 35 to 41 and ...
- ... by advising clients increasedhad risen by 3 percent from 36% .
- ... selling a product decreaseddeclined by 3 percent to 21 percent.
- These were the aspects of communication with externalexternal communications of the company.

As you can see, my remarks are mostly about varying the words usage to improve your lexical resource score. You need to know that lexical resource is one of the fourth essential criteria in IELTS scoring system. I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The diagram show a process for producing electricity for home use using biomass source [2]

Hi Thirakorn,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

This is the right place for you to practice writing, particularly in IELTS writing. We are here to help you achieving a better result. The detailed descriptions below are my contributions towards your writing. I hope you can consider this as valuable guidance for your future practices.

First of all, you need to know that in IELTS writing task 1, candidates are suggested to write in proper paragraph structures. Your essay has only a single paragraph which is inadequate to fulfill the requirement of band 6 or above. Even, I might say this essay can be 4.0. Thus, my suggestion is that you need to write at least 3 paragraphs in this type of essay. The first paragraph would be introductory paragraph, the second and third paragraph would be body paragraphs.

Moreover, in introductory paragraph, you need to write at least 3 sentences. It consists of paraphrase of the question (1st sentence), and overview of the general views / main features in the essay (2nd and 3rd sentences). This can possibly become a strong introductory paragraph. Then, in body paragraphs, you need to use a proper grouping. You need to separate / split / divide the information into some parts (preferably 2 parts). Therefore, you can write the first part of the information in the second paragraph, and the second part of the information as the third paragraph.

However, an optional way to write an overview is by putting it either in the introduction paragraph or the last paragraph. My suggestion is that it is better to put in in the beginning of the paragraph. This is suggested to avoid ruining your time management. You need to remember that you also need 40 minutes to work on IELTS task 2.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / People's opinion toward several communication skills that were important to use in working [5]

Hi Anna,
I would like to give you several inputs and remarks in order to improve your writing skill, especially when it is related to IELTS writing task 1. I hope the detailed descriptions below would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- ...important to use in workingbe used in their works.
- Overall, it is noticeable that / it can be seen that dealing with people showed the most important external communication externally and selling a product was the less effectiveleast essential .

- The most important internal communication wasListening carefully to colleagues was appeared to be the highest percentage and the reverseopposite was making speeches or presentations. (using variations of active and passive senences would be beneficial in improving grammatical range and accuracy score.)

2nd paragraph:
- To begin with , four external communications...
- ... 60 and 65 percent of people respectively as the mosthighest percentage .
- ... product service wasexperienced/saw/witnessed a slight increase ...
- ... for customers and clients also waswas also essential to beapply inapplied at work with increasing of numberat approximately between 36 and 39.

Writing Feedback / People argue on the fundamental external and internal communication skills, which is better in a job [2]

Hi Reski,
Kindly find my remarks below to help you compose a better essay later on.

1st paragraph:
- ... skills in their jobs in 1997 and 2006.
- Overall, it can be seen that the most important thing in external communication iswas dealing with people and in internal communication iswas listening carefully to colleagues.

- Moreover, ... (add one more sentence here and explain further. Your explanation in overview was too general. You need to "select" the main pointS not only one particular thing like what you've done)

2nd paragraph:
- In 1997, 60 percent iswas the percentage of (...) with people, it iswas needed in communication skill, ... (This has to be in past form)
- ... and the percentage increaseD at 65 percent.
- Selling a product or serving areis not quite essential enough in external communication, which iswas the percentage of (...) communication skills iswas smaller than other,...

Without checking further, I can notice that the major errors come from your grammatical range and accuracy part. You need to bear in mind that when something is happening in the past, it must be written in a past form, especially in IELTS task 1 when the essay has a "timeline" or year that indicates that something happened in the past.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Summary: Various Learning Style in School [2]

Hi Sisha,
You are suggested to post on the appropriate category. (Writing Feedback) Student talk is not appropriate if you need a writing feedback.

Here's my analysis of your article summary. I hope this can be helpful.

- ...of absorbing-the-lessons style. Those are visual, auditory and kin-esthetic .
- A person with visual learner genes sits somewhere in the classroom that has nothing blocks theirhis/her view. (your subject is "a person" not "people")

- They tend to dependingdepend on teacher's ...
- ... position where they can hear welllisten the teacher's voice well .
- Listeningto other students and talking about the subject isare the best way to assist them in processing novel knowledge.
- Other than that, kin-esthetic learners need dynamic learning environment such as, hands-on experiences ...
- Furthermore, (comma needed) integrating building projects (...) help out a kin-esthetic learner.

As you can see, several inputs and remarks have been suggested in order to improve your future practices. Mind subject and verb agreements, especially when it is related to plural and singular form of words. :)

Writing Feedback / Result of survey in 1997 and 2006 based on the communication skills which are important in a work [2]

Hi Pramudia,
Here's my inputs and remarks on your writing. Hopefully, it can be used as a guidance for your next practice.

1st paragraph:
- The proportion of therespondents in both result of surveytwo different surveysinbetween 1997 and 2006 based on sort of the communication skills which are importanttype of crucial communication skills in their job is provided byin the table.

- ... communication for both of theperiods was on how to make ...

2nd paragraph:
- First of all(there is no "second of all" as a cohesive device in this paragraph, using first of all would be inappropriate)To begin with , in 2006the percentage of the (...) higher than before in 2006 .

- whereasWhen asked about advertising (...) that in 2006 washad higher proportion ...
- ... lowest proportion in both of the period.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Burnaby Public Library is portrayed in the line graph [3]

Hi Amril,

My feedback towards this essay would be quite similar to the previous feedback. Some redundancies in overview sentence(s) still occur. These are not suggested to be used further in your future practices or even in a real IELTS test. One more thing that I forgot to tell you is that you need to use cohesive devices but not to over-use it. If you take a closer look on your sentences, ALL of them use cohesive devices, except the first sentence. Remember, over-use cohesive devices is one of the criteria in band 5. You cannot go beyond 5 in coherence and cohesion if you still over-use them.

My further suggestion would be on how you should focus on band descriptors. If you aim for band 6 or above, try to take a closer look for each part of the criteria. You are not suggested to ONLY understand it, but ALSO implement it in your writing. Therefore, you can achieve your desirable score later on in your real test. I hope the next practice you can gain some improvements. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / The favourite social media channel between 2011 and 2013 [2]

Hi Amril,
I can see that your writing is getting better. Keep up the good work! Yet, there is no perfect writing after-all because I also can notice some rooms for improvements. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- ... in the pie charts
- Moreover, it is clear that(This is redundant. Look at your previous sentence.) Google+ experienced...

2nd paragraph:
- ...had similar patterns which increased from year to year.annually.
- ...Twitter and Linkedln stood at 21% and 10%, and then they rose to 25% and 15% respectively in ...
(too many "and(s)" in a single sentence would not be good for your lexical resource score. You can just separate them or use another type of connector)

- ...began at same levels, at approximately/nearly/roughly 5%.

The pattern of your third paragraph is quite similar to your second paragraph. Try to find another pattern of writing for each body paragraph. If you look at them closer, you will see the usage of "stood at", "in the end of the period", "in the end of...", "experienced". If you feel stuck, just switch the active form into passive one. It would be really helpful I guess.

Hope this helps mate :)

Writing Feedback / There are four natural circle stages. Process of Silkworm's Life and Silk Cloth [2]

Hi Mujadiddah,
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Most of IELTS candidates are failed to create an appropriate overview. This is dangerous for those who want to reach band 6 or above. My suggestion is that you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

>> The given diagrams... (1st sentence)
>> At a glance,.... (2nd sentence)
>> Moreover, the longest process occurs when cocoon... (3rd sentence)

Overall, I reckon that this type of essay needs passive form of sentences. I can notice that your essay were still consist of more active sentences than passive sentences. Composing appropriate sentences are also one of the essential criteria of IELTS task 1 essay, particularly in grammatical range and accuracy. I hope you can do better in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / To persuade the policymakers and influential people in the government - Chevening "Networking" [3]

Hi Arif,

It is very nice to read your essay. I reckon that your essay has already well-written and well-developed. You were able to answer the prompt properly. The prompt actually has two important points that should be elaborated. The first one is How you meet this strong networking skills requirement by using clear examples of your networking skill. The second one is How you hope to use these skills in the future.

You have developed a brief and clear introductory paragraph. It is followed by fully developed 2nd paragraph explaining about "how you meet the requirement of strong networking skills". Then, you have successfully mentioned your valuable experience in the third and fourth paragraph as a supportive explanation. Lastly, you have closed this essay by stating your hope to use the skills in the future in the last paragraph. This is an outstanding piece of work. I reckon that it should be ready to be submitted.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Article Summary - Overworking style in Japan [3]

Lincoln,
Here's my inputs and remarks towards your article summary. Hope this helps :)

- ... suicide case is Japan. (stop here. New sentence)It is known as Karoshi.
- ... committed suicide over the last three months.
- WhileMeanwhile, other employees (...) due to over-working .
- ... reforms plan in order to make workers have a balance living condition between life and work.
- ButHowever, he confronts some (...) practices requiredrequiresa total dedication to the job far ahead ofbeyond the performance.
- Such trend likely caused by JapanThis trend causes Japan becomesis one of the least productive (...) compared by America's $62.

Writing Feedback / Article Summary - Did China discover America [4]

Hi Lincoln,
Here's my remarks towards your article summary.

- The majority peopleMost people argue that (...) than 70 years before Columbus did .
- The map was bought from a local dealer by a Shanghai lawyer, Liu Gang who was also a local dealer .
- He argues it provesargued that it was the proof that Zheng traveled to the AmericasAmerica , Australia...

- ... hemispheres of the world byi.e. both south and ...
- However, it cannot prove anything since only Europeans dramatized the world this way.(It is a confusing sentence, perhaps you can simplify this one)
- European travelers finished theirdiscoverydiscoverieslike this over hundred of years, whilebut Zheng only explored forneeds 30 years to explore .
- He arguesargued that the map was copied fromonto a European map.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Being healthy is not an easy task today, but there are always ways to manage this [3]

Hi Ilham,
Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 2 essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- NowadaysThese days , healthy lifestyle is a dream for each peoplemost people.(do not overgeneralize an idea if you want to reach band 6 or above.)

- Although some are skeptical to dohave healthy ways because of...
- They believe the way of healthhealthy lifestyle can be found more conveniently in this era.
- .... can be used to get people's healthfor making people healthy.
- ... whether they want toit or not.

4th paragraph:
- To sum up, I believe although many difficulties which people face to be healthierdespite difficulties in achieving a healthy lifestyle, I would argue that there are always ways which can be found.

- I suggest that people should try to get healthbe healthy by having a healthy lifestyle because healthy lifestyle is the most crucial thing in our livespeople's life .

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Why making children, who lack artistic talent, learn painting and drawing in Art classes at school? [2]

Talking about your idea, you said that "I totally disagree with such an idea because they should be thought to learn painting as teachers in art school have more experiences and they can guide them to develop their potential." Firstly, when you say "teachers have more experiences", I think that you did over-generalize an idea. I think that not all teachers have more experiences in teaching arts. It is true that they study arts before they teach, but not all of them acquire the same level of understanding. Therefore, I reckon that it is better to say "some teachers".

Your second idea related to "develop their potential" is questionable. The prompt is clear that "children who lack artistic talent". If children "lack talent", I am sure that they have another potential despite "arts". So, this idea is quite tricky. Even though you have mentioned a survey related to this, there are still 30% of students who couldn't keep up with the material given by the teacher itself. Perhaps, it is better to say "Making children who lack artistic talent to learn painting and drawing in art classes is beneficial due to the possibility to make them succeed." Then you can mention a survey to support this argument.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The information about the grade of education of Bulgarian who looked for a chance to live abroad [3]

Hi Ivan,
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart shows the information about the grade of education of Bulgarian inhabitantwho wanted...
- ... secondary education ishad the highest percentage of people who planned to leave Bulgariamost level of the education of Bulgarians while the other levels of educationarewere below a half.

- Where's the third sentence? Can you even call it an acceptable paragraph if it is below 3 sentences? Even in your own native language (Indonesian Language), a paragraph should consist of at least 4-5 sentences.

2nd paragraph:
- ... of higher education level stalled at 17 percent and there was...
- For primary and lower education, the percentage of educational levelthey(you have stated "primary and lower". I am sure that "they" would be adequate) started at 18 percent in the beginning of the period.(I am not sure that this one is appropriate phrase for body paragraph. I think that this kind of phrase should be used in introductory paragraph.)

As you can see Ivan, several remarks and inputs have been given. I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practice. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / The chart shows information about educational stage of Bulgarian who wanted study to overseas [2]

Hi BadaFebriani,
Kindly find my remarks below in order to significantly improve your writing skill, especially in writing an IELTS task 1 essay.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart shows the information about educational stagesystem/level of Bulgarian who wanted study toto study in overseas in three different periods of time(2002, 2006, and 2008).(I am not sure whether the information in the bracket should be placed there or not. I rarely see IELTS sample essays using that bracket)

- The educational stageslevels/systemswere consist fromconsist of primary untilup to higher education. (This is a permanent fact of Bulgarian educational system/level and therefore, it has to be in present tense form)

Overall, there was an upward trend of the percentage of primary and lower education. The highest number came from secondary education.

Last paragraph:
- To sum up, primary and pre school education experienced upward trend dramatically, but the highest number of educational stage was secondary education.
These two information have the same purpose. An IELTS task 1 essay needs to have only ONE of them in either the first or last paragraph. If you decide it to write in the last paragraph, DO NOT write it in the introduction paragraph. If you decide the opposite, DO NOT write it AGAIN in the last paragraph. It would be redundant and the examiner will face a difficulty to decide whether the overview that you have presented are appropriate or not. If you want to reach band 6 or above, an appropriate/proper overview is needed.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / How many educated Bulgarians leave their country - the chart [2]

Hi Septia,
Please take a closer look at my contribution below. I hope this would be helpful for your future improvements.

1st paragraph:
- ... the percentage of Bulgarian society(Bulgarian is already a citizen, society, group of people) who wanted to live abroad based on thetheir educational background,...

- Overall, it is noticeable that / it can be seen that the number of secondary...
("addressing" the overview by using appropriate cohesive device is necessary to enhance your band score)
- You are suggested to write one more sentence, your introduction lack of important information from the bar chart itself. Only stating the highest would not be adequate.

2nd paragraph:
- ... of secondary education reacheditsa peak at approximately 65%.
- ... higher and primary education stood at("stood at" should be in the first sentence)17% and 18% respectively.
- Furthermore, there was an increased slightlya slight increase in both educational background ofat20% and 19% respectively.(look at these two sentences. It looks repetitive right? especially in the last part of the sentence. If you want to reach band 6 or above, I suggest you to not doing this anymore)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Bulgarians who wanted to live in another country [3]

Hi Annisa,
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through and gain some improvements later on.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart gives the information about how many people wantedwho want to goleave and makelive a brand new life atin other countries in 2002, 2006, and 2008three different years according to their level of education.

- Overall, it can be seen that people who gotwere graduated from junior high school degreeishad the highest percentage fromamong other education levels. planning to leave Bulgaria(this information is redundant. it is better to remove this part.)

You need to bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / People's life satisfication and two different types of factor that make them happiest [2]

Hi Septia,
Here's my analysis of your report summary of IELTS task 1.

1st paragraph:
- The graphsbar charts reveal the information about people's life satisficationsatisfaction and two different types of factortwo main factors that make thempeoplehappiesthappy that are compared by different age groups.

- Overall, the line graphthe bar chartshows clearlyclearly shows that there is a slight (...) and female in the early age.(what early age? it can become ambiguous. Did you mean "early age of people" or "early age of the year"? I think it is better to write in their early ages. ("their" refers to male and female))

2nd paragraph:
- The line chartfirst/second bar chart(I am curious, where is the line graph/chart that you are talking about here? The picture can only show the thumbnail. It can't be clicked. I have no idea why) shows that the ratio of life satisficationsatisfaction for male stood at 5.5 and female ...

- Although it decreased gradually to 5.0 for adults aged 41 - 50, it started increasing significantly at 5.6 in the elderly age.

Different from the essay that I have previously corrected, this essay has major inaccuracies in choosing the appropriate tenses. This essay has NO YEAR/TIME TABLE/TIME LINE that indicates it should be written in the past and therefore, using present tense/present perfect is the most appropriate. Be careful in deciding the proper tenses for an essay, it might damage the whole essay.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Causes that farming land couldn't produce effectively and effect of it in three countries in 1990 [2]

Hi Mardian,
Here's my contribution towards your essay, particularly in IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The pie chart provides the information about causes farming land cannot produce effectivelyless productive farming land and the table shows the effect fromofunproductive(be careful in choosing the appropriate word. It might cause over-generalization and therefore, you can't reach band 6 or above. Mind the difference between unproductive and less-productive) land in three different countries in 1990.

- Overall, it can be seen that over-grazing iswas the most significant reason for land degradation and Europe iswas a country which hashad the highest damage on cultivation landland cultivation.

2nd paragraph:
Over-gazling isOver-grazing was the highest percentage reason for land cannot be used maximallythat caused less productive landwithat approximately 35 percent.
- In other sidesOn the other side , deforestation iswas number two at 30 percent, where over-cultivation only 28 percent.

Overall, I can see that your essay has major errors in choosing the appropriate tenses for this type of essay. You can determine this by looking at the year. If it is 1990s, why did you use past tense? It might ruin the whole essay and therefore, you cannot reach band 6 or above.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The most attraction places to visit by different people living in Australia [3]

Hi Amril,

Let me just rephrase your introduction to make it look stylistically better.

A breakdown of the information about the locations visited by three different groups of people who live in Australia is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in percent. Overall, the most significant fact to emerge is that Cinema becomes the most attractive place to visit whereas Theatre turns out to have the least percentage among three other attractions.

It depends on the data itself. I am not really sure that it is necessary to write all the data in the introduction. This can make the introduction becomes bulky and too-informative. Your summarizing skill is being tested here. You can just see the prompt if you are not really sure about what you are going to do. I hope this instruction would remind you "Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant".

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Owning an enterprise or becoming an employer: CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 | UNIT 6 PAGE 64 [2]

Hi Faiz,

I am not sure at all people in this forum has the book that you've written on your title in this thread. Thus, I would advise you to write the clear prompt or the question of IELTS writing task 2 for the next post.

When reading the last sentence of the first paragraph, I assume that this is an "outweigh the disadvantages/advantages" essay. Then, I would like to say that this paragraph is unclear. You clearly stated that "it will bring many advantages than drawbacks", but what are those? at least just mention the keywords/key phrase in a single sentence about what advantages that you are talking about before writing the body paragraph. Remember, "a clear overall progression" is one of the criteria in coherence and cohesion part if you want to reach band 6 or above.

Task 2 in IELTS would be time-consuming if you cannot manage your time well. I reckon that writing more than 4 paragraphs in this essay would bring detrimental effect towards your time management. You need to remember that you still have task 1. My suggestion is that you can just write the disadvantages in the first body paragraph, and simply write the advantages in the second body paragraph.

Hope this helps Faiz :)

Writing Feedback / How the electricity can be produced by wind turbine and where is the best location to put it [3]

1st paragraph:
- ... produced by wind turbine and where is the best location to put itvarious locations that are possible to be the place of the wind turbine.

- Overall, it is noticeable that the most powerful electricity can be producedgenerated(avoid repetitive words) when it is located in the thebelow sea levels .

- The stronger wind blows, the higher electricity can be produced.(It is indeed that this is true, but is this an opinion? because for me, it seems like an opinion. Thus, it would not be appropriate for task 1 essay)

2nd paragraph:
- ... steel tower, blades which isare made byfrom fibre glass or wood...
- ... comes from all directions through the turbine.
- LastlyAs a result , the electricity output which can be produced by the generator is aroundat approximately 1,5 megawatts.

Overall, despite the flaws, I think the body paragraphs have already conveyed an adequate explanation related to the pictures. Yet, some confusions related to whether to use passive or active are still become the major problem.

Hope this helps Anisa :)

Writing Feedback / There are other alternative ways to understand the culture faster, than learning language [2]

Javu, welcome to EF :)

Before rushing to my feedback, I would suggest that you need to give at least a single space / one enter for each paragraph. This can ease the reader to read and check the whole essay completely. Then, you also need to write the task prompt. I have no idea what your task prompt is. Different prompt/question has different way to answer. I think that you have already learned in the book about this. Anyway, let me just focus on your grammatical range and accuracy instead of the content because you didn't write any questions/prompts in this thread.

1st paragraph:
- In global world, some people are engaged with otherthe culture ofathe other countriescountry .
- Therefore, to understand that tradition, they assume unless they speak the language ...(Confusing structure. Even, I have no idea what this sentence even mean)

My suggestion is that, try to compose simple sentences perfectly first before coming to more complicated sentences. This could only leads to an essay with unclear focus and confusing structure. Besides, I have no idea about the prompt either. This makes me unable to give you a better insights on how to create an essay with such a prompt. According to IELTS writing band descriptors, if your errors dominate the whole essay, you can only reach 4 in grammatical range and accuracy part. This is what the criteria of band 4 in terms of grammatical range and accuracy looks like "some structures are accurate but errors predominate, and punctuation is often faulty" . Keep practicing, you need lots of practices to improve your writing skill. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / On pictures the information about producing electricity from wind and where locate such investment [3]

Hi Pramudiana,

Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 1 essay.
1st paragraph:
- I assume that you've decided to use wrong tenses for this paragraph. The pictures clearly show what the turbine can do and its parts. If you use simple future form "will", I think it wasn't appropriate. This is related to the facts/general truth. I reckon that present tense is the most appropriate tenses that you can possibly use for this type of question/picture.

2nd paragraph:
- I appreciate the usage of passive voices in this paragraph. Most of them are okay. Yet, you still use several simple future tense which I think it wasn't appropriate.

3rd paragraph:
- You should be able to switch the usage of active and passive voice. It depends on the meaning itself. Try to refers back to your own language before writing this in English. What would it be? It seems quite odd isn't it? Let me give you an example that I took from this paragraph:

- The turbine that is placed on top of the hill can be producedgenerate/produce higher result than domestic turbine. (see? passive voice is okay, but when active is necessary, use that without any doubts.)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The figures inform on the design/location of a machine that can produce electricity from wind power [2]

Hi Ivan,
Here's my contributions towards your report summary of IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The figures inform the design forof a machine that canproducegenerates electricity from wind power and the appropriaterecommended locationsto be placedfor maximum electricity output .

- Overall, it can be seen that placing the turbine in the seabelow the sea levelmaydoes not destroybadly damagethe pleasure of the landscape. (stop, new sentence)

- However, the turbine that is placed on top of the hill producesreceives maximum electricitywind strength.

I would like to suggest you that you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Hopefully, the above-mentioned feedback can help you in the next practice. :)

Letters / I hope you are always in good condition. UNIPDU FT_D - Letter To ms.Inna [4]

Hi Yanti,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that most of your friends who are working on this type of letter experience the same structural problems. Therefore, I would like to help you composing a better draft. Hopefully, you can learn something by reading my alternative version below.

Jombang, October 27th, 2016

Dear Nur Inayatul Wafia,
Assalamu'alaikum Wr. Wb.

Hi Inna! How are you? I hope you are always in a good condition. Is there any problems or what? I did not hear any news from you for quite a long time.

I miss you so much. Even, many small children at my home also miss you a lot. Did you remember my house that we used to play? I just want to inform you that I have moved into a new house. My new house faces the highway, so my house is never quiet. Perhaps, it is the ideal place for relaxing if we have a lot of activities. I am currently waiting for your arrival Inna. Thank you for reading my email.

Wassalamu'alaikum Wr. Wb.

Your Friend,
Miftachurrizqi Yanti

Honestly, I am a little bit confused when reading your letter when you say that your house is never empty and it becomes the ideal place for relaxing? how come? it seems illogical I think. Try to think about new ideas. Normally, people would say that if their house is noisy, they can't rest/relax there. They need a quite place to relax. What do you think?

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The percentage of new graduates finding job in Ontario - Line Chart [2]

Hi Ilham,

Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1.

1st paragraph:
- The line chartgraphgivesreveals/depicts/illustrates("gives" is okay, but the word level is too low. My alternative words would increase your band score in lexical resource part) the percentage of (...) English and French each year from 2001 to 2007 in Ontario .

- Overall, it can be seen that the proportion of French teachers were more hiredhigherin Ontario than were English teachers. (stop here, new sentence)

- However,althoughthe percentage of English teachers in 2001 were more than other languagesurpassed French teachers at the samein the end of the period. (be careful, mentioning a specific data (year) in the overview paragraph would not increase your band score to 6 or above)

Your last paragraph is okay, but your second paragraph experience a problem with sentence structure. You need to remember that you need to write at least 3 sentences for each paragraph of your essay. The idea is to have you deliver a complete understanding of the graph you are given. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, the examiner would not consider it as acceptable and therefore, your band score cannot reach 6 or above. I hope you can learn something and create a better essay in the next practice. Good luck :)