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Posts by andika08
Name: Andika Irianto
Joined: Sep 13, 2016
Last Post: Dec 1, 2016
Threads: 81
Posts: 73  
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio

Displayed posts: 154 / page 1 of 4
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andika08   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / The majority of visitors who come to New Zealand are come from Australia. [2]

International Visitors to New Zealand: Country of Origin

The pie chart shows the precentage about visitor from other country to New Zealand. The majority of visitors who come to New Zealand are come from Australia. But there are others country that visit New Zealand.The largest visitors to New Zealand 40% come from Australia. Make that precentage become the first. There are others Nationality visitors to visit New Zealand come from United Kingdom 12%. It become thats Nationality to be second from that information. After that there are also United States 9% and there is get ranks third. Some information show that there are others Nationality who visit New Zealand. Furthermore, visitors comes from three countries in East Asia such as the order China 5% which the most in East Asia, different from Nationality Japan 4% and South Korea 3% behind two Nationality before. Three Nationality from East Asia become the last three Nationality that visit New Zealand. For the last there are other Nationality based on the information 27%.



  • pie_charts.PNG
andika08   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article How to Eat More Vegetables And Less Meat in Three Weeks [6]

Hello
You have a good topic about this article
I just to check and make some corrections

... risk to have degenerative disease like such as heart disease...

In the second week, switch change omelet with oatmeal (...) reduce consuming fry-foods fast foods. In the last week, makes it as a routine your habbit.

You can added some introduction in the first paragraph so it is make clearly to enjoy reading this. The step it is good step by step make reader can imagine every week when her do that.
andika08   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Oceans Given Boost as Nations Agree to Protect a Third Worldwide - Summary Article [4]

In the modern life there are so many things that must be protect like ocean. Recently, an idea from IUCN (International Union for Conservation of Nature). This program will be continue until 2030 with gradually. Development the ocean for do some new creature. But there are some nationality who do not agree with that idea. The reason is they want to focus not just in the area but also for resources. Because it is big potential from ocean side can be explore.

There are many aspect to focus such as climate, habitats, ecosystem and salinity. Other aspect like make a new things like coral island. If the temperatur too high it can impact from the ocean which many organism lived there for a long times. Some conservations also not agree with this. UNESCO also same opinion like that cause it make change the environment that must to keep for future called World Herritage.
andika08   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Impact of Divorce on Children [4]

hello
You have a good summary
I have some correction

... miserable condition called divorce, eventually. in the end.

The speaker has described several impacts of divorce into... For the examples,

Maybe between one paragraph to others must be relational for reader can follow that summary. And the last paragraph can be added a few words.
andika08   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Just in the last two days there has been a temperature record in January for America. [2]

TED Summary : Averting The Climate Crisis

In the early for this topic explain about climate crisis. Before data presented, there are always update the recent conditions and learn more about this idea to share. Just in the last two days there are a Temperature change record in January for the America. It is 31 degree C change to 39,5 degree C. Some more bad news about the environment of people.This is contributing in global warming like pollution. Many source for the pollutions. Like a car and truck but it is less pollutions than building. There are several step for resolve such as reduce emissions from start to our home energy use,reduce emmisions from our activity and other transportation like biking. After that, also can buy the most energy-efficient appliances and other products and become a green consumer. Always give advice and help to each others. Furthermore, find out how to use the carbon calculator. Its useful for estimate carbon that are using. Also Integrate climate solutions into all your innovations, the last is invite governments to join the community. Always attention about around environment to make more comfortable.
andika08   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Fiction and non-fiction books - which of these two types of books do you generally prefer to read? [2]

hello
You have a good summary
I have some correction

My essay,

... read imaginary books such as which are novels (...) like historical and scintific scientific books
In this essay, I will exploreing in my details my preference.

Most schools coriculum curiculum focuses on topics about ...
... my father father gave me a short Arabic story" Al-Sendbad".

... in a story book in the mid sextith sixth of the last century. This story illustrated how men annovated show a new kind ...

Maybe just that my correction, there are some repetion words.
andika08   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Reason For Visit New Zealand: sightseeing, walking, boating, volcanoes, museums [2]

The bar chart show the percentage of reason for visit New Zealand. The most popular activity like got some view, also used transport and the last one was came to place that had an education.

Got some view like walking become the largest reason visitor to visit and had high percentage also sightseeing was second. Both this commonly activity in this country. The use of walking and sightseeing experienced 83% and 72% respectively. And other reason for did activity by used transport like boating 50%. It has still bigger than the last purpose holiday maker.

After that there are two last reason for visit to came some places that had an education material which are visiting volcanes and visiting museums. The activity of visiting volcanoes account 42% was only 1% difference of proportion in visiting museums activity. Made it became two lasts reason activity uncommonly activity by visitor with the least percentage.



  • bar_chart.jpg
andika08   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article : Oil Pipeline Construction Halted After Native American Protests [2]

Source of resources must sacrifice various aspects which would be contrary to the habits that have been there before. One example for the energy from source non-renewable like of petroleum. To get it required the cooperation of many participants including the people who are around or occupied areas from resources. It has to persuade that inhabitans made some attention about the dismissal of a pipeline in North Dakota.

The Dakota Access pipeline, if completed, it will be connect the oil fields of North Dakota to an existing pipeline in Illinois. Almost 1,900 kilometers the distances. But there are obstacles because the pipeline must through the river Missouri River near or called Lake Oahe. Local authorities also pushing the pipeline builders to solve environmental problems which not clear.

And the last issue of the threat posed by the pipeline construction is distracting from the sacred site which is opposed from local residents. There are also a result of the water quality in the surrounding area. However this is part of the other side to the process for resource aimed at the development in a region.
andika08   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Although constructed with a simple technology, the wind turbine can generate much electricity [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

It is also equipped by a wind sensor which sending wind speed and direction to computer which so it will move blades ...

... the turbine should better be be better set on the higher ...
... the stronger the wind blows and the more electricity ...

Maybe you can added inclusion the end of the last paragraph. There are some repetition words.
andika08   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Refugee Olympic Team Now Has Its Own Flag and Anthem [5]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

A no-profit society called The Refugee...
... deserved more than just bright orange by crossed horizontally ...
That banner depicts figure the lifejacket life jacket that (...) in a journey of peace, however However Yara Said, who is the flag ...
Although, International Olympics Committee (...) Refugee Nation has spread petition request to contradict the rule.

Maybe you have to add more detail about the last paragraph. and you should put the introduction.
andika08   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / A global mobilization is required in order to tackle the Climate Crisis issue [2]

TED Summary : New Thinking On The Climate Crisis

Modern conflic usually occur as global warming must be responded to immediately. Need global mobilization to Worldwide to develop new energy, conservation, efficiency of global transition. One way of finding resources that impact both. The precenter shows some examples in slideshows on the logo or appearance of the earth and has experienced changed from 1980 until now on condition can seem like there are many parts of the sea ice dissapeard. Especially in 2005 was a record for significant changed.

He showed an example of a building in Alaska from the effects of the global. Human activity also became responsible for global warming. It can contribute for changed that issue by modern technology invitation.

Renewable energy is often the best way like bring electricity to places that do not have it. Evolve new resources for sustainable development. Proposes solar energy by example can be used. Another resoureces came from geothermal and shoulders will improve for the future. In addition, Australia has been starting to realize their inhabitant. The final point to remain should be optimistic because it has the opportunity and can be impacted in the future.
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Imposing restrictions on the acceptable amount of trash may reduce the amount of waste [3]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... restrictions on the acceptable amount of trash being (...) may reduce the amount of waste for the municipal (...) it can reduce the amount of waste as a whole,...

It is true that the less of the garbage, the better ...

Although, strict limits on (...) municipal community, it's it is not a good policy to force people ...
... uneducated population using unethical uncommon ways of ...

Maybe you can choose similar word in sentence one.
And there is a comparison that not clear.
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Logging effects: habittat loss, environment pollution, and climate change [7]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

pollution Pollution and climate change.make Make extend effect logging of Nutrients,Water,and Shelter for plants ...
In terrestrial life from, an trees in the rainforest ...

In the sentence one it is too long and need conjuction between there.
Maybe you can put the introduction and conclusion.
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / White Gulls Dependent On Ice Are Disappearing From The Arctic [4]

Life in the world is not just humans there are also are animals. For example, there is animal like white seagull. They lived in the Arctic. They seem to start disappearing from the seas around Greenland.

Based on a data from Claude Joiris of the Royal Belgian Institute for Natural Sciences in Brussels that he collected in a trip icebreaker between Greenland and Svalbard between 1988 and 2014. White gull populations has decreasing six times every year before especially in 2007. It was because of changing the environment and also caused by migration of them to discovered food sources.

Factors affecting the birds can survived like many source of foods which are fish in the sea must be avaiable. They are very sensitive about changed and depended on sea ice.

The good impact of the persistence of these birds them into the ecosystem balanced.

However others impacts will be extincted and can not founded these animals in an environmental like usual. The last was kept the environment better so that they can still be there at their habitat.
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some birds migrate from the breeding ground to the other area for the rest of the remained season. [4]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... the bird follows through inits it is life. The bird migrates from the breeding ground to the other area for the rest of the left season.

At the time birds migrate migration, they also (...) fuel this remarkable escapade journey.
... observers for centuries.

Maybe there are some sentences not clear.
You can added an introduction for the first sentence.
You can also put conjuction in the first sentence.
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The table shows percentage of travellers per form of transport and average age of a traveller. [3]

Travelling To Work In Houston, Texas

The table shows percentage of travellers per form of transport and average age of traveller. The bar chart shows CO2 emissions from different from of transport. There are four types which are car with one people, car with more people, cycle or walk and train or bus.

The most common transport is passanger which 48%. However, passangers had less percentage than self driver which 11%. In other hand train or bus is slightly different amount of percent which 37%. Meanwhile, cycle or walk is the least form transport which 4%.

While, public transport is the higgest average tourism which 47 years olds. Then the lowest average of traveller is cycle or walk which 39 years olds. But, average of passanger is only one year difference of proportion than self driver. Self driver and passangers 43% and 44% respectively.

Neverthless, CO2 emissions the most pollution from self driver 0,31. It was related for the form of transport because the amount percentage high too. Then, the lowest pollution is from cycle or walk. This is also related for the form of transport because less number of the percentage.

Overall, if too many using form transport it would be effect of contribute CO2 emissions that from vehicle.



  • writing_task.jpg
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / As we attempt to focus, the whole other areas has less brightness and we tolerate the blur [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

When we carefully noticed that as we attempttried to focus, the whole other areas of sight is indistinct the whole other areas had less ...
... physical manoeuvres and to detected all kinds of motions ...
..., their body must responses the surroundings while the head motion must coordinate eyes movement in balance with ...
The environment, furthermore, contributes to athletes' sense of peripheral ...
... when the athlete's attention is was distracted causing the indiscernible pause of separated times ...
... they can learnt and practice art to served them better.

You can using other conjuction.
Maybe there are some words should be exchange.
There is a sentence that too long.
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / When people focus on one particular object, they automatically do not notice anything else [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

When people focus on one particular object, they automatically do not noticed to anything else. Whereas, it gives importance insight of what is going on in human activities. Athletes surely understand that strong muscles without visual ability, it is like a bird without wings. The balance between two of them impact on athlete's performance into the game. They are required fast physical maneuvers and visual abilities, having coordinated movement for all bodies. On average Commonly human is blinking 25 times per minute, and increasing on anxious condition. Such condition would be a problem for athlete, in order to reduce it, more training and practice would be help so much.

I think it shoule be 150 words minimum. So you can added some words to completely your summary.
You can added an introduction and inclusion in the early and end of the paragraph.
andika08   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bill Gates' presentation about diseases, education and technology evolution [3]

TED Summary : Bill Gates - Mosquitos, Malaria And Education

Bill gates was shown the number of children died who before ages 5 since 1960 decreased until 2005 from between 20-19 ages and between 0-10 ages in million. Caused of malaria from an insect like mosquitos. The disease are around the world and can infected anything else. There was not too many income for malaria. It should be need some special treatment for this which people had been surfered. Then, there are a way for resolved malaria, being together for support it can from big communities. While, It was still confusing about collects fund to reached this vision. Then there a different topic about education to create revolution by technology. Which are high education become an opportunity for better economic and getting better for life. So, that impact can effect for developing a country. From the data over 30% childrens does not finished their education. Even you passed graduation from high scholl you have to hard working to passed coleague. The important thing was had great teachers. It must be the key. Because their had a lot exerience. The last, should be a good system organize to do this. Hopefully, there is a chance for be better generations in the future.
andika08   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Technology as A Supplement in Education [4]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... more attractive for students so it will behelping teacher to delivered his subject easier.
Finally, even though technology cannot substitute ...
... the perfect combination to support to learning process ...

You can added similar words and used conjuction efectively.
andika08   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The information about the amount of books been read in a school, the trends of years 2009-2012. [5]

The line graph shows the number of library books which read by boys and girls at Starmouth school from 2009 until 2012. There were an information about amount of books and the trends of years between 2009 until 2012.

These boys and girls line was divided into the three grups lines. First one is 2009 until 2010, second is 2010 until 2011 and the last is 2011 to 2012. There was a slight increase in grup one at 30 books. After that, the group two numbers book also increased slightly at 20 books. Then, there was dramatic rise in numbers for group three at 140 books.

While, The number of book increased slightly in grup one at 10 books. Group two numbers rose dramatically at 60 books. The amount of books peaked in 2010. But, the last line was a sharp fall at 20 books.

However, both group one and two was stead felt trends. But, there was different trends in the last group which trend for boys higher than girls.

Overall, there was an upward trend in the three of groups.



  • IMG_1296.JPG
andika08   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bill Gates believes, that there are not problems in this world, that cannot be solved [3]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

We can see the case which has happened in (...) because of disease which is spread by mosquito.
Hence Because of that, the rate of ...

... cooperation to finish everything, is it will be useful for education.

In sentence one you using which twice maybe you can use another conjuction.
andika08   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Opinions about Advertising : The Advantages on Situation [5]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

Even though their own products are not good can acceppted for (...) many people will buy bought the products.

Maybe you used too much word like products then you can change to another word.
andika08   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article : These Are the Forgotten Victims of the West's Drought [4]

Last summer Nevada was so dry. It became changed the environment which are less water impact for the plant and dusty. It was like equipment for doing activity has been sealed. Suddenly, the next season there was snowfall last winter. Someone who called Darryl Brady, a Native American rancher on the tiny Yomba Indian Reservation, located in a remote river valley between Reno and Las Vegas, faced tremendous challenges. Many people thinks just in California has been happened a disaster but in Nevada it was also occured. Lake which around the city experienced decrease of amount of waters. Therefore, there was several company which did methods like the water-intensive technique of fracking for got crude oil. Another effect came from animal which lived there. They lacked of foods and water like horse. If the rain and snow came it would be better for this condition and decrease many aspects such as ecological, economic, sociological and psychological.
andika08   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The ancient circus was introduced at the time of the Roman Empire. [3]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... mostly showing popular spectator sport, and chariot race.
... accommodate more than 200.000 peoples .
... combined the talents of jugglers, mimes, and clowns.
... who was a skilled to riding on horseback, founded ...

Maybe you can using some conjuction.
andika08   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary : The history of our world in 18 minutes [2]

Universe can created complexity, but it difficult thing. David cristian showed the slideshow about one of example from 13.7 billions years ago, to the beginning of time. There was happened that world was darkest and emptiest thing at the past. After that universe appeared by boosting and expanding. Clouds gathered to be more powerful. All the universe such as new chemicals element structure for many particles. When the large star dissapeared it effect for temperature decrease. Although, solar system became the center of energy of universe. There had conditions divided into three elements for life, the right of amount energy, diverse chemical elements and liquid such a water which related to form of world. Water was the most important thing for lived there. Then, other example from Dna which contain information how to made living organism. So many theory that have been explained for formed the world. For the future, collective many explanation like learning for better condition to lived here. While used Fossil energy support the vital an intelectual tool for the future.
andika08   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The information about two different ways of collecting water for further use [4]

The information about two methods of collecting water for irrigation purposes

The diagrams represents two methods of collecting water for irigation purposes. First, there is an equipments which are basket made of bamboo or leather and a rope. Then the rope is hold by two peoples. They stand besides the water source. It had a depth for 1 until 2 metres. After those peoples are positioned properly the assemblance of transference can be started. This basket is made for fill to irigation channel by attracted the rope. Next, the water goes through up and distributed to the fields. That method called swing basket.

Second, it different from the other one. The parts contain for several equipments, which are bucket, rolleys and pulley. Then, roller is moved by cow and the amount of water increased. This irigation channels will be fulled. It method called rope and bucket. Overall, both methods had an each advantages for who was moved it and showed about progress from current development.



  • 281929_1.jpg
andika08   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The legal trade of ivory could lower the elephant population or even made them extinct [3]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

Based on a research study studied on 15 september September showed (...) in ivory could bemake made the elephant population ...
... elephant population declined even extinct, namely, the demand ivory ...

... elephant ivory or elephant ivory could betaken a major impact that is was brought to the extinction ...

... the old men elephants.

Maybe you can using similar word in second sentence.
andika08   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The extinction of the elephant population becomes a crucial aspect to discuss, it brings attention [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... it means some people would be easier to buy ...
However, on the other hand, they say said that it hashad no impact at all because it could not change the elephant extinction.
... that concur to this issue, it could not change the result of the legal hunt.

Maybe you can using the other conjuction.
There are repeated words.
andika08   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article : In the Netherlands, Empty Prisons Become Homes for Refugees [3]

In The Netherlands there was an empty prisons. It used for imigrants because their number started to increased more than 50,000 based on the Central Agency for the Reception of Asylum Seekers in 2016. The facility public is closed because the crime rate and prison populations decreased. There were a photographer Muhammed Muheisen, two-time Pulitzer Prize winner and Associated Press chief photographer for the Middle East, had devoted the past few years to photographing the refugee crisis as people move across. He captured images of people there. Refugees were not allowed to worked, but they practiced to spoke the Dutch language and learned to rode bicycles. In Netherlands both skills were essential to lived. One of the refugees said if the country had no prisoners to put in jail that effects for the inhabitans who felt comfortable and became the safest country in the world.
andika08   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / A new device created by LouAnne Boyd at the University of California at Irvine, helps learn language [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... tones will probably encontered the most difficulties to specialize in.
You could end up calling your mother a horse if ...

... too loud and flashes the word"flat if the users does ...

Than Then,this sayWHAT is tested to talk with ten training employees autistic ...

i think you can change the first sentence in third paragraph.
andika08   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The talent from the children must supported for people around them [2]

TED Summary : Do Schools Kill Creativity?

In the presentation from Sir Ken Robinson, he said big interesting for education, hardly because education it is mean education effectively to the future. Children should be started school for better future. Than one of the children had an extraordinary ability, that capacity can used for inovation.

The talent from the children must supported for people around them. Kids will be taken a chance, if they do not knew about anything they still did something through. If we not prepared for our children it made be wrong for their condition, by the time to be adullt, most of kids lost capacity. They do not afraid to do something false. We had to followed them to for respect each other. In all the world the top list for lessons which was mathematics in the top. they not just learned about formal lessons it should be an unformal lessons like music and dance. An idea for increase childrens ability to useful subject about took the interested lessons and the next was academic ability because to entrance to university and used softskill. The last degree is important for took a chance in comfortable area.
andika08   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several Ways Technology stops crime againts enadangered animals [4]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... the illicting trading animal suc as which are Rhinos, Elephants...
So Thus, cutting-edge technology approaches ...

When there were an illegal activity, such as which are plane (...) and gunfire. It will be recorded and transmitted sound ...

You can change like so with thus and therefore.
You can added preface before explain the several parts.
andika08   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is it worth to move around in several different places during our lifetime? [2]

Staying in one place became a common situation in the past. However, revolution era, make people moved to another place. It has advantage and disadvantage for both conditions.

Some people say that there were several interesing in the current locations. People who live in their hometown have close families. It influences people helped each other more. They are accustomed to managing their daily activites that became positive. Then, the effect for family can helped in house. In contrast, there were disadvantages as well. People got bored because the same activity every day and would not have been many work chance, because, there are a little field of employment.

I think there are more possible advantages of being people who move from place to place much more. People can learn more from new destination to lived. Then people got many new friends there. From both situations, It can useful for their knowledge. For example, people can share it to their parents and give the information about variation place. After that, people have a chance to got of quality jobs. In my opinion, the main disadvantages are that people will be infrequently to met their family. Therefore, people must set aside their time for parents. For example, people can contact their close family by phone every day.

Overall, i think there are more advantages if people move from place to place. People had more experienced to develop their life and got many friends. Thus, that has positive effects for their future. On the other hand people must remember where they have came from.
andika08   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / With the development of modern technology and science, people's life become more and more convenient [3]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... life today is more easier than that in the old time past when ...

... today that is harder than before-- education.as the technology (...) competitiveness is severe getting worse among between teenage students.iIn China,high (...) spend more timethan ten hours ...

they They cannot have enough time ...
for a better university,they sacrifice their several ...
they They do what they want to do. they They can refuse the typical (...) like chefs.

Maybe you can make the order for the sentences connected.
You can added some words next to between student and something.
You can change the our grandparents time to another similar word.
andika08   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The system, called SayWAT, was invented for autistic people who need help with social interactions. [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

But However, a wearable headset could behelp helped.
... learning, it could be adapted to help.
... or smartphone watch could beprovided haptic response to instruction speech. Live speech reaction could behelped other bands too.
But However, language learners could be (...) tones in Chinese.

You can change repeated words.
andika08   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / GRIT : A significant predictor of success [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

But In contrast, several (...) Duckworth's teaching about experience, a much better (...) and learning from a motivational inspire is more ...
... not social intelligence which are, good looks, physical health, and IQ. Grit is consist ofenthusiasm, passion, diligence...
Wee need more than growth mindset ...

You can change the repetation word (grid)with the similar word.
You can added conclusion in the end of paragraph.
andika08   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TECHNOLOGY HAS CHANGE THE WAY OF WORK [2]

Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... had invented, it hastotally changes the way ...
... especially the internet; however,internet, fax, and mobile phone ...

The uses of technology which are internet, fax, (...) makes human being broaden their knowledge knowledgeable without limit.
This change As times ges by remodel the ...
... had felt those advantages as well as they can work or manage (...) from their home as long as they have internet access ...
So Thus, they can allocated their irreplaceable time for relatives.

you can change (so) with thus or therefore.
there are a repetation words (as...as).
maybe you can divided by two sentences.
andika08   
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / According to Snowden, the right to privacy of data is not a political issue. [4]

TED Summary : How We Take Back the Internet

Shown from a distance using a robot, Edward Snowden spoke about surveillance and internet freedom. The right to privacy of data, according to him is not a political issue, but people need to rethink fundamentally what the role of the internet in our lives and the laws that protect them.

Thus, many aspects from the internet which are kind of internet people want, the kind of relationship between people and society. After that Consultant NSA provides an example of the NSA's activities include eavesdropping and security. NSA intercepts to including which are telephone, Internet communications, radio communications, and other communications that can be tapped.

One thing can people do is being together to solved the problem through the government.
Boundless informant is hidden by NSA program from Congress which already implemented.

Therefore, even companies that cooperated with the NSA, which at least compelled to do legally, the NSA is not satisfied with it, and finally, people need the companies to working hard. It has ensured that they will be represented to the interests of users, and also supports rights user.

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