Writing Feedback / Self Introduction For UN Young Professional Programme [7]

Hi Sekar, I would like to leave my first comment in this forum.

There are several comments to yours,

Firstly, your pattern is really different if we compare with other resume latters, your introductory is more likely chit-chat when you are in interview condition. Truthfully, I am really understand the storyline of your article, but I am afraid that native speaker in particular cannot catch the meaning of your article.

Secondly, there are a lot of your personal information. I am really perceive that you want to show all your ability and your achievement in your life whereas it would made your essay quality became down. In my personal view, you better manage the information which is you want to present in groups. For example, you can add your achievement when you are in collage partly. What more, hidden your data that you think it is not appropiate to show into your resume.

Lastly, you forget to add "ministry of youth and sport". I know, it is so difficult to translate but I believe if we can little bit improve our ideas to translate in english, it would be more fascinating.

And then for "young village development", I just know your program is youth paid volunteering activity, but correct me if I am wrong.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'appropriate infrastructure to spur growth and prevent the damage caused to environment' [4]

You dont argued that wheater do you agree or disagree regarding to the question.
In conclution, you give statement only to explain the possibility about developing country.
But correct me if I am wrong

Writing Feedback / Parenting training at school days [IELTS] [Essay2] [6]


"it" refer to what?

your sentence is too short for an IELTS Essay task II. you should develop your idea and make your paragraph become sophisticated.
keep spirit, and always practice ;).

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Master of Science in Nematology scholarship [2]

you should pay more attention to punctuation and make flow idea. so your essay would not monotone.
keep practice.. :)

Writing Feedback / Robots have negative effects on society and sometimes are even dangerous - IELTS essay [2]

PARAGRAPH 1

Robots, a great invention in the 20th century, have entered into every corner of human life. When it comes to its influence to human future development, people hold different views. One think robots are very important,while the other contend they are dangerous and could have negative effects on society. As far as I am concerned, both their views have some merit.

1.) One think robots are very important => I believe you can gain your score if you use "essential" or "fundamental" rather than important. What more, maybe you can rewrite like this " Some people strongly believe that robots are tremendously essential"

PARAGRAPH 2

There is no denying that robots can bring about tons of benefits. In the first place, compared with human, robots need not rest and can work on 7 x24, which ensure them work more effective. In the second place, robots can work in serious or even dangerous environment where folks can not survive. For example,folks can not bear under the environment with extreme high,low temperature or full of radiation, robots, howvever can handle critical issues instead. As some reports said,robots have been used to solver critical problems in nuclear plant instead of human.

1.) robots need not rest and can work on 7 x24 => robots do not need to rest and they are able to work on ...

2.) Missed spelling = For example,folks can not bear => cannot

3.) robots can work in serious or even ....
I think its should be more appropriate if you put "to" or "for" rather than in after work, because work (verb) usually followed by as/between/to/for/on.

4.) Missed Spelling : howvever should be however
however usually followed by coma, maybe you can use semicolon for your sentence.

5.) dangerous environment where folks can not survive.
I am not sure, Vocabulary "Folks" is good for IELTS Essay.

6.) As some reports said,robots have been used to solvercritical problems in nuclear plant instead of human.
=> some is familiar vocabulary in IELTS, maybe you can use Several, Few, or something like that.
=> Solver = solve
=> Preposition of Critical = for/to. so you can write : .. critical problems for nuclear plant

PARAGRAPH 3
It is remarkable that there are many negative influences on human society brought by robots as well. Firstly, the wide use of robots probably increases the unemployment rate. with the enrollment of robots and improvement of working efficiency, factories need not so many labors that many people are fired. Secondly, robots work by following some designated instructors. in some urgent and dangerous situation, robots can not adjust automaticly to fit the change and lead to serious consequence.Thirdly, the widespread use of robots decrease the independence of human on machines, weaken the creativity ability of human indirectly.

1.) with the enrollment of robots and improvement of working efficiency
=> with = you must type Capital letter after dot "."
=> Improvement is commonly followed by in, on, over, upon, to as proposition. So, you can write ... robots and improvement on ...
=> working efficiency = efficiency working

2.) robots can not adjust automaticly to fit the change
=> can not => cannot
=> automaticly => automatically

PARAGRAPH
In sum, I concede that robots have the negative effects on society and sometimes are even dangerous. However, compared with the benefits they bring, those disadvantages are not worth mentioning.On balance, robots will act as an important role and contribute to human society soon.

1.) In sum, I concede = there are some alternatives that probably more appropriate for the beginning of your conclusion :
a. ) to sum up
b. ) in summarize
c. ) to conclude
d. ) in conclusion
e. ) ultimately

2.) sometimes are even dangerous => sometimes they become dangerous.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: children should studying hard or playing sport? Both can improve their future [5]

PARAGRAPH 1


1.) Think => there are many ways to re-phrase word "think" in IELTS essay such as believe, assume, argue, tend, convinced, and so on. moreover, you probably can put adverb if you do not want to change the word. For instance: others people think differently/rationally/ frantically/ miserably...

2.) other people think that ....=> think is commonly followed by "of" or "about".

3.) both of studying hard and playing sports are part of life to children => you repeat those words. it looks like you could not para phrase "studying hard" and "playing sport".

Those are my corrections from your junior's coupis house. I hope you don't mind.
KEEP SPIRIT. KEEP PRACTICE. :)

Graduate / I am committed to helping children transition into their next life stage - Statement of Intent [4]

in my opinion, your essay will be more interesting, when you use academic words, particularly in the subject you want to apply.
:)

Writing Feedback / IEITS-It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they are not happy. [7]

Hi Wilsonank, there are several suggestions and (maybe) correction for your essay :

1. I think it is better when you start your first paragraph with background or hook in the first sentence of your first paragraph, it can make your essay becoming more interesting.

You probably can re-write your first paragraph like this :
(this is just example, I try to make it to share how I write the first paragraph)

In this age of globalization, unemployment is the hottest phenomenon throughout the world. It leads people to have different perspectives about the issue. One of those is that some people, who could not get happiness in their job, prefer to become unemployed people. While it is reasonable if I seeing this case with the perspective of happiness, I tend to be convinced that idleness would produce more detrimental effects because there are other considerations to catch a job rather than to become happy.

2. Your conclusion is too short, I am afraid you cannot get 6.5 or higher if you use this pattern.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY. do not give up to throw in the towel. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Different courses in England - Two pie charts [5]

I think, you did not paraphrase the question. In my personal view it is essential in IELTS writing task one. it probably cause your essay more clear when you re-phrase the question in the first paragraph.

keep spirit, keep study :)

Writing Feedback / The effects of cheaper flights - IELTS Essay [7]

immense advances = I am afraid it is inappropriate if you using "immense" to "advances"

Businessman = business person

you did not have a personal statement, I think it is the most fundamental to write essay either IELTS or other essays

In my personal view, after I read you essay, you seem to did not have a pattern to your essay, my suggestion is try to make a concept first before you write your essay, it leads you to writing appropriately, and I believe your essay will not out of topic.

keep spirit and keep study. :)

Writing Feedback / IETLS W1 poverty rates by age and gender (bar chart) and family composition of women in poverty... [3]

Hi LFAIe,
there are several suggestion for you, I hope you do not mind.


you did not mention what the charts are measured. You probably can put measurement in the first paragraph to make your essay clearer.

I just have checked your cohesion and coherence. The result is your cohesion and coherence from sentence to sentence, and para to para is good. Nevertheless, you probably could achieve better score if you re-check your cohesion and coherence to make your essay higher. Furthermore, you presumably can expand your essay becoming approximately 200 words. It probably can help you to get 6.5 or higher.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY :)

Writing Feedback / What do accountants do? What characteristics make a good accountant? [2]


it should be= Taking another.


it should be= government to


it should be= such skills intro reconciling


it should be = for cost


it should be = and ensure


it should be = reviewing payrolls


it should be = person must be


it should be = and therefore


it hould be = service in


it should be= retain their


it should be = would acquire strong

you should be careful with spelling, you should check your essay before upload or send it. As it looks like unprofessional.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The changes in share price of Outokumpu enterprises - Writing task 1, Line graph [2]

Hi bongbang, there are several suggestion for your essay, I hoped that you do not mind.


I personally think that "illustrates" is inappropriate to explain about your line chart. I think word "illustrate" is appropriate when we are going to explain about process or map. As either line charts or other graphs are contained by figures. So, could you imagine it, how to illustrate figure?. Therefore, I thought it is more appropriate we use illustrates to explain Map or Process rather that explain line charts.


According to several IELTS writing books. We are suggested to write 1-10 by word. For example, if we want to write "2" in essay, it should be "two".

Missed Spelling =


it should be = end poin comparing to the beginning


it should be = there was a dramatic

What's more, try to make essay in 150-200 words, I believe your IELTS score will be encreased.

KEEP STUDY, KEEP SPIRIT.

Writing Feedback / Both parents should have the same impact on raising their own children - IELTS [4]

Hi patrick Jarguz,
however Tam Le has been corrected your essay in relation to missed spelling, allow me to correct it again with the specific spots.

MISSED SPELLING CORRECTION


it should be = equivalently


it should be = equally

GRAMMATICAL ERROR CORRECTION


modal verbs have no infinitive or -ing form

so that, the sentence should be = mother should have impact on


modal verbs are not usually followed by "s" the third person singular.
you probably can open your grammar book about auxiliary verb agreement , or if you do not mind I will copy the formula from another blog for you.

so that, the sentence should be = ...is due to the fact it can have a positive influence on our kids....









put a coma appropriately. it means you should put a space after a coma, you are not allowed to put a space before a coma.

so that, it should be =
money, I strongly believe
parents, are
Besides that, kids
Therefore, children
schoolmates, sport and entertainment, which
For instance, my cousin
In result, some
In conclusion, it proves that despite the stereotypes, father are equally

OTHER COMMENTS=
1.) your conclusion is quite short, I am afraid you cannot achieve score 6.5 or higher
2.) to get higher score I firmly believe that we should position ourselves as a writer (a third person)

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY! ;)

Writing Feedback / Allah always gives the perfect and most suitable things for us, so we must trust Him and do our best [2]

Hi Nermeen,
there are several suggestions,


redundant expression


it should be = adopt

you should put a coma appropriately.






you should put a coma appropriately.


Whats more, in my opinion, as an introduce paragraph, it is not really necessary if you start your sentence with "it". if you do this, you seems to do not have strong argument. furthermore, your essay would be read ambiguously. I tend to be convinced that the readers of your essay would confused with your introduce sentence. The possible question is = "it refer to what", whereas you already have put a tittle above your essay.

As a consequence, this is my suggestion for you :

1.) in the first paragraph you can use it as introduction which is contained by the main points of your essay. You can put wise words as well, to make your essay more interesting to be read.

for example =

I am strongly believed that everyone is an architect of his fortune. This perspective has encouraged positively my self to do the best thing during my lifetime. Furthermore, it stimulates me to do more efforts to catch my dreams and my goals. Fortunately, I have reached a few number of my goals and my dreams. One of those cases is happen several years ago when I was a student in senior high school. I had got an excellent point in my school and I had became one of the best students when I was graduated from my senior high school. It leads me to pursue confidently my long-term goal which become mass communication expert in the future. Therefore, I would like to apply mass communication subject in your institution, as it a bridge to go to my long-term goal.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY!

Writing Feedback / (INTERESTING) The bar chart reveals the mean growth of GDP of three types of countries; IELTS [2]

Hi Soma Salim S,
May I give several suggestions, I hope you do not mind.




Have you checked (twice) this vocabulary in you dictionary?, because I am afraid "gobalizer" is inappropriate vocabulary which is not an adjective. You probably can use "globalized country"


are you completely sure to use "in" as preposition. I am afraid when you use passive sentence, proposition "in" is not collocate with your sentence.

It is probably : it is measured by percentage or it measure in percentage"

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY. ;)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] The Number of Travellers Using Three Major Airports In New York City [3]


do you mean it is involvement ??

Writing Feedback / 'Overall, there are two type of cocoa after pressed.' - IELTS Writing Task 1 : Chocolate Bar [7]

Hi Soma Salim, here are several suggestions for you

Subject Verb Agreement


it should be = the figures reveal


it should be = The residuals are or residual is


it should be = there are two types

you can change

10% = one in ten
4% = a small minority of ...
15% = less than a fifth
35% = more than a third


==> While subject verb, subject verb or ==> Subject verb, while subject verb

Writing Feedback / Working habits are significantly changed - people can work from home using modern technology [3]

hi somasalim thanks for correction which is covered by your question. I just have realized that I used double "because" in one sentence. I should put coma or edit my sentence.

how about this.

Writing Feedback / Using animals as a tools. Animals' right regulation has generated a great deal of discussions. [3]

Dear EF_Sheri,

Thank you very much for your correction.
how about my flow sentence and my idea? because I think that my idea is not good..
could you give me a suggestion?

thank you

Writing Feedback / We have to balance between learning second language and other subjects. [2]

Hi Frt247 , I would like to give several comments and suggestions for your writing.

GRAMMAR ISSUES


I suggest that you should be consistent with Subject Verb Agreement inasmuch as "people" is a plural noun and "a" is an article to singular noun.

so that it should be = people or a person


lesson is a singular noun so you should use "has" after which, or maybe you can change lesson to be lessons


I utterly believe that "of" is not collocate with benefits, so you should change to be "for" = benefits for (you can presumably check your collocation dictionary)


you should put an article before "adult", or you can probably change adult to be adults / the adult (if "adult" has been mentioned in your previous sentence)


in is not collocate with easy, you can us preposition "for" or "about" (check your dictionary)


and also they will be easy[/quote]
do not you think that these are redundant expressions?

FLOW AND IDEA

Overall, your idea is good whereas there are several sentences which make me confused. Thus, I have some suggestion for you.


your idea in the first paragraph / introduction sentence is not clear. the essay question is about agree or disagree but you quote that this has positive and negative implication. Hence, I think that your idea in the first paragraph is Out Of Topic.

this my introduction sentence if I should write this :
Foreign language subjects in schools have generated a great deal of discussion. for this reason, some people think that international language should be learned by students starting in the beginning level of their education as it can impact on their later development. While such an idea has alarmed a group of teachers who have taken up against the perception as they think that foreign language can decrease a sense of patriotism, I would support the argument of learning international language from the beginning inasmuch what elementary students need in this age of globalization for facing the world is learning international languages such as English, French or Germany language.


As a matter of fact, I hate to say this but I should. your conclusion paragraph is completely Out Of Topic inasmuch as the question does not ask you about advantages and disadvantages. Nevertheless, you should put your strong argument whether you agree or disagree with the statement in the question. As far as I am concerned, your essay does not mention agree or disagree at all.

However, you can correct me if I wrong in my comments for your essay. The last comment, you should never throw in the towel to improve my writing.

KEEP STUDY, KEEP SPIRIT.

Writing Feedback / Learning a new language at any age is an anormously rewarding experience in many ways [4]

Hi Faisal_Aceh, I would like to give several comments and suggestions to your writing.
my comments is probably not complete. However, I suggest you to look at my comment in frt247 writing


can you rewrite this sentence?

it should be :
Language is one of the communication tools which all countries throughout the world have.

what's more, you should make your first paragraph become much clearer as such a paragraph contains your thesis statement. I am of opinion, you should give a simple explanation for your argument. In addition, you should also give a balance view on the topic question.

you can look at the example of introduction paragraph for this topic in frt247 writing.


it should be :
possible sets of benefits for an opportunity


it should be :
negative affect on students


it should be : targets / a target / the target

appropriate preposition = on


suggestion :
...should give to support for...

I utterly believe that your conclusion is not clear, as you are fail to paraphrase your thesis statement in your first paragraph. this paragraph only consists of suggestion for the topic statement.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Some people think that they can make as much noise as they want- an argument-led essay [2]

Hi Ensangh, I have several comments and suggestions for you.

GRAMMATICAL ERRORS


it should be : the majority of people believes that


could you rewrite this sentence??


"of" is not collocate with responsibility inasmuch as it should be "responsibility for"


possible that makes / made some avoidable noises ( you should put a verb after "that" )

FLOWS AND IDEAS :


I am affraid your introduction paragraph will be valued as memorized language as


is exceedingly common in sample answer in IELTS Writing task two. What's more, I utterly believe that it is unnecessary when you start your sentence with "it is unfortunately". it is vague idea and it tends to bias. I just suggest you to prevent using it in the first sentence of your first paragraph.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Writing task 2: Celebrity show engages viewers [4]

Hi Dyah, I have several comments and suggestion for you :

GRAMMATICAL ISSUES :


Media = don't you think that you should put an article "the" ? check your vocabulary. I am afraid it is inappropriate.

Source = a source / sources


favorite celebrities


fans are becoming more popular recorded


it should be plural = a number ... follow / the number ... follows


some people


For straightforward examples or For a straightforward examples


the news is informative


gain a new real story / gain new real stories

There are many grammatical errors :(. To tell you the truth, I intend to comments your flows and Idea but I think it would be better if you recheck your grammar first.

I hope my comments can help you to improve your writing.

KEEP STUDY, KEEP SPIRIT.

Writing Feedback / Reasons for finding talented people [2]

Hi Mumtazdinar,

These are several suggestions for your writing, I hope these can help you.


skilled people


most of the / most of these


you need put an article for counterpart = counterparts / a counterpart / the counterpart


good voices


both of the / both of these


you should put an article for comedian = comedians / a comedian / the comedian


skilled people


you should put an article for start = Starts / a Start / the Start


it should be = committees / a committee / the committee

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

Writing Feedback / Running own business like Bill Gates or working at a company? [2]

Hi Shintachandrade,

I have several comments, questions, and suggestions for your writing, I hope these can increase your writing skill.

GRAMMATICAL ERRORS


other people have different points


why you put "own" in such a sentence?, be careful to use "own"


could you re-write this sentence? because I think that this sentence is not parallel.


I think you should put an article here = a little opportunity/ opportunities/ the little opportunity


I cannot find main sentence here. could you explain to me where is your main sentence in this sentence?
be careful to use adjective clause.


could you re-write this sentence? why you put a verb after comma? is it parallel?

INTRODUCTION PARAGRAPH


Overall, although your first paragraph is clear enough inasmuch as you put your thesis statement and paraphrase the topic question, I utterly believe that your introduction paragraph is going to Out Of Topic in that the question does not ask you the benefits and drawbacks. the question asks you whether the advantages are outweigh the disadvantages. Thus, my suggestion is, you should simplify the topic question first prior to write your introductory paragraph.

What's more, I think you should add more general information in your introduction paragraph to make it much clearer and to attract readers. You are also suggested to give a simple reason in every statement.

VOCABULARY =
I know that you want to increase your vocabularies so you should make sure the vocabularies in your writing is appropriate.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

Writing Feedback / International education; most significant current project to process humanizing mankind to the point [6]

Hi replikatika,
thank you very much for your correction. there are several responses for your suggestion.

FIRST COMMENT :


you are completely true, I forgot to put a comma after "as a result". Nevertheless, I have checked several sample answers which do not put a comma after the expression. So I think it is acceptable whereas I forgot to put it.

SECOND COMMENT :


Such a second comment is drawn to my attention dramatically when you broke my main sentence. I utterly agree with you that we should use complex sentence in our IELTS essay. However, if you change the sentence like your suggestion above, I am afraid that it will be inappropriate inasmuch as you do not have main sentence in your suggestion. Secondly, with a thousand of thanks I truly appreciate your comments and suggestions although you get the wrong end of the stick.


. why you suggest me to put "who", "considers"? I am afraid that the role of subject & verb agreement has changed and I do not know about it. What's more, could you explain to me whether the rule of "adjective clause connector/subjects correctly" has changed or not as you have used "who" to connect thing (companies).

All in all, thank you very much for your suggestions and comments. I will evaluate my self based on your suggestions. if you have plenty of time please comment my other essays.

Writing Feedback / International education; most significant current project to process humanizing mankind to the point [6]

Hi replikatika, I got the mistake from the sentence that you comment. Therefore, I try to edit it.

how about this one?

Therefore, they can be easy to apply for vacancy in different countries as employers particularly from multinational companies are more likely to employ people who have different degrees compared to their original passport culture.

Writing Feedback / International education; most significant current project to process humanizing mankind to the point [6]

hi Midoremido,
thank you very much for your comment.
It presumably will be useful if you give reasons for your comments. Therefore, I have several responses for your comments.

First Comment :


I know what you mean. the formula is S+V thus S+V. However, I used "thus" in the sentence for the meaning "with this result". so I use this based on the example shown in cambridge learner dictionary. Here I put the screenshot below to let you know the meaning, and how to use it whereas you can correct me if I am wrong.

Second Comment :


why you argue that produced is not compatible?
do you mean it is not collocate? if yes, could you give me suggestion what verb which is collocate with the sentence

All in all, thank you very much for your comment, I hope it will improve my later writing.

• 
  This is what I mean (in the sample no 2)
  

Writing Feedback / Iran and Israel were in war period, but they released their problems and want to part in World Cup [2]

Hi Cuynomellen, you have a good writing and it is well organized although I have found some grammatical errors in your writing, let me give comments and suggestion for your writing.

GRAMMATICAL ISSUES :


S+V agreement errors = it should be provides


"for" is not collocate with "part". it should be "in"


impact on


both of the countries or both of these countries


why you put "s" in evidence? do not you know that evidence is uncountable?

FLOWS AND IDEAS


I think that it will be valued as memorized expression or I usually call it as lazy expression. Your introduction paragraph is not clear whereas you have paraphrase the essay question. Moreover, I utterly believe that you are fail to answer the question inasmuch as you the question does not ask you about benefits of disadvantages. However, the question ask you whether you agree or not with the statement.

this is an example for your introduction paragraph :

International Olympic games have changed the world through sports and given a universal dimension to the games. Such events are becoming much more popular at the moment and thus to generate a great deal of discussion. This phenomenon has been grabbing an attention of people in the world inasmuch as a global sporting event such as football world cup is appealing the growth of nationalism. Nevertheless, this situation is alarming sports experts as they assume that these spectacular events would reduce global tensions. While the argument of the sports experts is possible in particular conditions, I would argue that the global sporting competitions bring together millions of people worldwide to pay undivided attention internationally and locally as a sense of patriotism arises out of the concerns of world citizens.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY. ;)

Writing Feedback / A prominent task of universities is to enroll prospective students for further next. IELTS [5]

hi Anfalia, I would like to discuss your writing here, while I improve my analyzing skill so as to increase my writing skill.

There are several comments, suggestions, and question for your writing.

GRAMMATICAL ISSUES


I comprehensively understand that you want to paraphrase " important" to be "prominent", but I am afraid that it is inappropriate and is not collocate with a noun "task". Therefore, I suggest you to change it to fundamental/crucial/primary/principal . What's more, "of" is inappropriate preposition so that you can use "in" as a preposition of "task".


I am afraid that this expression is uncommon inasmuch as "for" is not collocate with perspective. it will be better if "from this personal perspective"


why you use "an" for equivalence? do not you think that "equivalence" is uncountable ?. Moreover, "of" is not collocate, so it should be "between"


I do not think that for is collocate, so I think it should be "to be true to some extent" .


1.) Why you favor to use prominent as paraphrase of "important"? I am afraid that it is not collocate with "aspect". Have you checked your collocation dictionary, how to use prominent appropriately? I suggest you to check it whereas I have been checking it regularly.

2.) Are you sure to put an adjective "conscious" prior to verb "choose" ? as far as I am concern, a verb is not commonly followed by an adjective.

this is my suggestion "two fundamental aspects to (consciously) choose selectively..."


this sentence is uncommon.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.