Graduate / Graduate application for pursuing LLM after failing the Bar exam. [6]

Sayeda, you have a very detailed experience essay here. It is very good and very informative. You truly have the skills to become a success in the field of your choice. It would seem like you are a perfect candidate for graduate school studies. However, you were not able to properly focus the essay on only 2 salient points. These are your most important work experience, your idea as to how you see yourself improving your life and career upon the completion of your degree.

Your essay contains too much professional and academic information. That is why I think it will cover around 3 pages single spaced at this point. Do you know what your word or page limits are? Make sure you do not go beyond it. Also, do not turn this into an academic and professional biography. Just choose your most impressive accomplishment as a student, as a professional, and in your extra curricular activities that will showcase your abilities as a student. That should only cover about a full page at the most. The second page, or second half of your essay should contain the professional direction you want to go in. Explain how this degree can help you. Note the important internships or training programs the university offers for students of your caliber as part of the way that the university can help you achieve your goals. Then thoroughly discuss your short and long term career goals as indicated by the prompt. In all, your essay should not be more than 2 pages, single spaced.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: landscape differences in Stokeford Village [3]

The maps compare the difference of IN landscape in the village ...... There are some noticeable alterationS in the proportion of infrastructures and farmland. BesideS that, some buildingS remainED unchanged or just experienced a little diference DIFFERENCE.

... houses were located in the northside North side of the village, .... These houses and roads constructionS caused a total elimination of THE farmland which was scaterred SCATTERED ACROSS THE MAP 80 years earlier, and ALONG WITH THE demolition of shopping areas near the post office. ... , becoming A retirement home ...

... The bridge which was connecting this WHICH CONNECTED THE village into TO the northside area NORTH SIDE across Stroke River did not RECEIVE ANY altered ALTERATION at all. ... Then, the location of THE primary school opposite to post office did not changed as well...

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - Overpopulation problem causes: ineffective birth control and an increase of free-sex cases [2]

Dwi, your essay is well thought out. The discussions are well developed. Even the conclusion is almost flawless. the only problem I have with your essay is that ate a certain point, you left evidence of the fact that you did not bother to proof read your essay before submitting it. The mistake that you made would have cost you some major points in an actual test. I refer to the following line from your essay as the problem point:

...which causes much more dire impacts for humidity.

Had you proof read your paper, you would have realized that you used the word humidity which means "a measure of the amount of moisture in the air". What you wanted to say was humanity which is defined as "all human beings collectively; the human race; humankind". A simple error in the use of a word and your whole essay score was put at risk. The use of the wrong word denoted a disinterested person who did not even bother to double check his essay before submission. Do you see the difference in the definition? There is absolutely no way one could mistake one word for the other if a simple spellcheck or proof read was performed to catch these errors.

While the rest of the essay would have passed the criteria for the scoring of the test, this mistake that you made would have immediately dragged your score down. That is why I always remind the exam takers to practice proof reading with the remaining time after they write their essay. It can spell the difference between passing and failure. There are no small mistakes in this test. Only major point deductions.

Writing Feedback / (Practice writing) - Survey of adult education, motives and costs [5]

Xu, aside from grammar problems, your essay also has some formatting problems. Let me fix that for your reference below.

There are two graphs, which severally illustrates that the motive of adult education and the opinion of distributing its cost. REGARDING ITS COST DISTRIBUTION.
Overall, the significant purposes of grown-up education are interestingness THE ADULT'S INTERESTS and achievement. The most common reasonS are ADVANCED EDUCATION IS helpful for the jobs IN JOB IMPROVEMENT, or PERSONAL improvement and enjoyment. Meanwhile, the considerable proportion of its cost is suggested SUGGESTS that it should be borne SHOULDERED EITHER individually and OR BY employers.

- Your opening statement needs to properly deliver a summary of the graph content. By combining the single sentence with the paragraph below it, the essay becomes properly formatted with the 3-5 sentence requirement.

... diverse reasons of FOR adult education. As the main reasons, interesting in the subject and to gain JOB qualifications reached 40% and 38% RESPECTIVELY. In addition, the thought of helpful for the current job or improving prospects of FOR promotion and SIMPLY enjoying learning or studying displays each approximately RANKS AT APPROXIMATELY 20% EACH. Whereas, to able to change CHANGING jobs and to meetING people merely show 12% and 9% EACH.

In the following diagram, it represents how HOW the costs of each course are shared. The percentage of the viewpoint in individual payment is 40 percent relatively higher. Secondly, the percentage of THAN THAT OF EMPLOYERS SHOULDERING paying costs by employers shows 35%. Further, IT IS BELIEVED THAT 25% is SHOULD BE shared by the taxpayer.

Writing Feedback / The change of Stockfort village in 1930 and 2010 [5]

The picture MAPS illustrates about the CHANGES IN Stokeford t Town change during 80 years OVER THE PAST 8 DECADES. ... that THE village was developing DEVELOPED significantly with there was many MORE housing and new road construct .

To begin in IN1930, THERE WAS ONLY ONE MAJOR ROAD from the north to the south the east of Rivers Stock in the village only had one of the major roads . Besides that, there are some farmlands on there. ... the opposite was OPPOSITE ROAD HAD a primary school. In addition , in the middle of THE town, a large house stayed and this building WAS surrounded by a huge garden.

In contrast, over OVER the next 8 decades , SPECIFICALLY in 2010, the village many experienced some alteration CHANGES, in which people in OF Stokeford village eliminateD all the farmland and also demolishED all shops which it replaced with a AND REPLACED IT WITH housing and new road. the THE primary school in this town was developing with DEMOLISHED AND constructed of the new building ANEW on the east side. In addition, the Large Houses large houses WERE was replaced with BY a Retirement Home in which WHERE the garden area was reduced. Then in the front of this building , THE government build of the BUILT A housing area.

Writing Feedback / Stokeford village: selecting and reporting the main features, and making comparisons where relevant [2]

... Stokeford v Village over THE PAST 8 decades is illustrated... seen that Stokeford had lost much OF ITS agricultural area. In any case, ON THE OTHER HAND the amount of housing was increasing.

Turning to A more ... area of Stakeford v Village was covered by husbandry FARMS which spread... There were only a few houses and public buildings such as primary school, shops, and post office OCCUPIED MOST OF THE VACANT SPACE.

... the infrastructure had been developed indicated by the rising TO INCLUDE A of new road number. The new NEW streets ... two roads were in ON the right side of THE main road and two others were in ON the left side, near the river. A lot of accommodation was ACCOMMODATIONS WERE built along these roads. The number of houses was WERE much more than that THOSE in 1930. ... two public buildingS were improved to be BECOME better and larger. For instance, two TWO primary school's buildings were added and the large house was rebuilt to be a REMODELED INTO A retirement home.

Writing Feedback / Drug addicts should be jailed - IELTS 2 [2]

Sharfina, you usually have better English language usage than you have in this essay. I see a number of points that definitely point to a problem with your logical thought process when thinking in English. For starters, the following line is definitely not what you want to say in this essay:

Some would argue that addicted people to drugs should be sentenced in prison to make them consider doing inappropriate actions

The problem with that sentence is that you are implying that drug addicts should be sent to jail so that they can be encourage to do bad, wrong, criminal, or as you said "inappropriate" actions. Normally, the people who end up in jail do so because they are being prevented from doing bad, wrong, criminal, and inappropriate actions. That simple mistake in your thought process already guarantees a failing score for your essay. All because you were not able to present your actual message in the proper manner.

Your arguments in the later paragraphs clearly show that you did not mean to say what you did in the earlier paragraph. However, the first impression and initial score will already have been made at this point and the fact that your discussion in the succeeding paragraphs are correct, but your thesis statement is in error, means that you are unable to properly think in English, you cannot express yourself in English properly, you do not understand the meaning of basic English words, and you cannot write properly in English.

There is a lot riding on the proper development of your opening statement. It could spell the passing or failure of your essay. Please make sure to develop the weak points i enumerated during your succeeding practice tests.

Undergraduate / "Growing up and Realizing what I want" - UW transfer personal statement [4]

Alexander, my apologies for thinking that the essay required the portion about your personal hardships and educational challenges as they were indicated in your posting as being part of the required element of the prompt:


Anyway, since you don't really wish to present that sort of personal information to the reviewer, then that is your prerogative. However, that being the case, I would like to suggest that you remove the part about the history of your mom and grandmother as being migrants of the Vietnamese war. You see, the cultural understanding that you should be discussing in the essay is your cultural understanding of what makes you as a Vietnamese-Hawaiian-American a unique person. What is it about your culture, the mix of these cultures, that make you stand out? How does it help you to better understand those around you? What are the aspects of your culture that you are most proud of. Help the reviewer understand your mixed culture better. you are not solely Hawaiian, American, or Vietnamese. So who are you in terms of your cultural understanding?

Don't discuss it as just a summary or a reference point for your academic development. Try to introduce yourself to the reviewer in the way that you are most comfortable doing. That means, your personal information that you feel contains sensitive information is off the table. This is your preliminary interview, so be as open as possible with the reviewer. How else can he assess how you might be an asset to the university upon your admission? That is the main purpose for this essay so you should respond to it as best as you can.

Undergraduate / "Growing up and Realizing what I want" - UW transfer personal statement [4]

Alexander, how you spell Hawaii out in the essay is a personal choice. Believe me, regardless of the special diction emphasis that you provide on paper, the reader will still read it the way that he wants to. The paper doesn't concentrate on how to pronounce Hawaii anyway so don't stress over it. Just concentrate on the other parts of the essay that you should be developing.

Now, there are some universities that expect the students to provide the essay discussion in the same form as the outline they provided in the application. Others, are not so strict about how you portray the information. My suggestion is that you contact the university and ask them how you are expected to deliver the discussion. That way you are sure to edit the paper in the expected manner.

Your essay pretty much presents all of the elements required per discussion. However, I did not see any personal hardships or obstacles indicated in your essay that could help better present the kind of personality that you have to reviewer. You need to better present an obstacle or hardship because that is one of the most important aspects of this essay. This tells him the kind of student you will become. How you react to pressure, stress, the demands of daily life and academics, or anything else that could affect your performance as a student at their school. The better you portray you story of overcoming the obstacles and hardships, the better an image you will have as a potential student.

Aside from that part which I feel is lacking in the essay, all that is left is to correct some minor grammar issues. I always hold back on those revisions in case there are changes to be made or additions to be made in the essay. There is no sense in correcting the grammar twice when you can do it just once :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - People Need Music to Support Their Lives [3]

Masdar, further strengthen the discussion of your opening statement of this essay by presenting your opinion regarding the importance or lack of importance of traditional music in the music listening landscape of any country. Give a preview as to why you believe that traditional music is important to a nation. Connect it with the sadness of your discussion as to why people better prefer to listen to international music. That will highlight you English comprehension and logic abilities in the eyes of the examiner.

This is the reason why the music is very essential for people's lives.
- The line of reasoning is weak. You need to add more information such as how studies have shown that listening to music helps time pass faster due to the distraction it offers the person doing a repetitive activity and other similar facts.

However, they may lack of traditional music references.
- Where is the discussion as to the importance of traditional music? You said it saddened you to know that listeners prefer international music. This sentence should have served as the transition sentence into that required paragraph discussion. It should have been in the next paragraph. Double check the prompt. You will see that you neglected to respond to the most important prompt requirement given to you for discussion.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task - 2 The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries [2]

Andri, you have presented some pretty good reasons for the discussion of the prompt. You have some grammar issues that the others have already addressed so I won't get into that anymore in my response. What I would like to call your attention to however, is the way that you discussed the essay. There is a problem with the conclusion that you presented.

I do not know if your tutor told you this or not but, you have to remember a very important point about developing your conclusion. You must never introduce new ideas or discuss an opinion within the concluding paragraph. Those points should always be discussed in a separate paragraph from the conclusion. The conclusion should only contain a proper summary of the discussion, restated prompt, and your personal opinion of the topic, if warranted. That said, the conclusion of this essay doesn't follow that requirement and thus, will lose you point during an actual test. Please practice writing the proper conclusion topics and format in your succeeding practice essays in order to ensure that you do not make the same mistake during the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SUITABLE PUNISHMENT FOR DRUG ADDICTS [2]

Dynar, the way you presented the introduction made it seem like you were going to discuss the death penalty. Specially since you mention "a dozen ways to punish a guilty man". I suggest that you revise your introduction to better suit the discussion. Drug Addiction, as a crime, does not warrant such a heavy punishment, as you have pictured in your essay. That, however, depends upon the crime enacted by the addict. if his only crime is addiction, then your opening sentence is too heavy, exaggerated, and scandalous in connotation. Just make the discussion simple and stick to the tone of the prompt. The tone of the prompt is light, not overly serious. Bat for the same tone. Exaggeration is never good be it in the spoken or written word.

So, here we go again with the discussion of the body paragraphs. You represented the pro, the con, and properly wrapped up your conclusion. Now, as I keep telling the future exam takers here. Once you finish writing your draft, and provided you have left ample time to edit, go back and read the prompt. Make sure you have discussed all of the points indicated so as not to lessen your possible final score. Your essay lacks a clear depiction of your personal opinion.

It seems like you tried to merge your personal opinion with the discussion of the benefits of hospitalizing a drug addict. However, that is not what the prompt requires. It clearly states that you have to discuss the two opinions, then properly outline your opinion of the discussion somewhere in the paragraphs you have developed. Please go back, clearly highlight your personal opinion, and then have your essay reviewed for proper grading.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SOLUTION AND PROBLEM FROM MAINTAINING A SUCCESSFUL WORKER AND HAPPY FAMILY TIME [4]

Dynar, there is an existing conflict in your discussion. As part of your thesis statement, you have indicated that one of the possible solutions to the problem would be to have people prioritize their desires in order to prevent fatigue. If you review your essay, you will see that you did not discuss prioritizing desires in order to prevent fatigue. Instead, you spoke of a "priority list" that business executives have which they follow in order to help lessen the stress of their workload. I did not see any mention of this list int he opening statement, so why is it being discussed in the essay? Where in the essay did you speak of prioritizing your desires on order to alleviate stress? I don't believe I saw any discussion of that topic at all in your essay.

While you did discuss the professional opinion that forcing the brain to multitask could result in problems for the workers, you did not really accurately discuss the points that you presented in your opening statement. That is a major problem in your essay and, in the point of view of an examiner, shows a lack of focus and ability to create a fluid and inclusive discussion in English on your part. Always keep in mind that if you say it in the opening statement, you have to discuss it in the body of the essay. Otherwise, your essay will be deemed incomplete.

I am not saying that you cannot change or add to the discussion that you presented. What I am telling you, is that you need to first discuss the obvious reasons that you included in the opening statement before further adding information to the essay. Doing so will result in a stronger essay, a better developed English response, and prove your ability to discuss in English at great and proper length. Thus causing a better score for you at the end of the test.

Writing Feedback / Each country has distinct music types. Music is one of the most popular arts in the world. [3]

Akbar, when you develop your thesis statement, specially when it should connect to a specific instruction from the prompt, make sure that you present an overview of the discussion or reason behind your point of view which you will be discussing later on in the essay. In your current introduction, you do not have any transition sentence to prepare the reader for the sudden change in the tone of discussion from the presentation of the thesis statement going into your point of view. You can always say something along the lines of;

"There are sectors of society that believe that between the two types of music, traditional music is the more important one. I tend to share this point of view due to the inheritance and traditional factors associated with it. Details of which will be discussed below."

That way, you clearly indicate the discussions that will take place and allow the reader to anticipate the various changes in discussion topics.

The same line of reasoning applies to your second paragraph. You need to learn to use transition sentences in order to create a better understanding of the upcoming paragraph. Introduce the next topic at the end of the present paragraph. don't just hit the reader with it. If you use a transition sentence, you will show that you can logically think and write in the English language. At the moment, it feels like you are discussing two separated essay topics within one essay. It is not smoothly developed nor presented. The choppy presentation will show a lack of sentence device usage and ability. Which means a poor score showing in the end.

Writing Feedback / Ielts 2 : The advantages of supervision equipments that outweigh the disadvantages in society. [2]

Anissa, always give an aura of professionalism in all of your written work. Regardless of the kind of essya tha tyou are trying to write, you should never place the whole URL within the essay. If you will be allowed to use a clickable format for the link, then create a clickable link. Otherwise, just provide a description of the video, its title, and the social media site where it can be found. The full URL that you posted destroyed the format of the essay.

Next, you have to remember that there is a 3 paragraph minimum requirement for essays. So obviously, this essay doesn't fall under the required parameters. You know what that can mean for your final score. In fact, the restated prompt of the essay is not clear at all, Neither is the discussion that you are providing. This is a very badly written and developed essay that will not garner you a passing score in the end. Please revise this essay while you have a chance to do so as it is only a practice test essay.

Undergraduate / Describe how you envision your two years in the Haas undergraduate program. Impact on peers. [2]

Melissa, you have a perfect start in response to the requirement of the prompt. However, you are too focused on the academic aspect of your life at Berkley. this is evident in the way that you will opt to join a student organization that still focuses on your field of interest and your desire to push for a better training experience through it. That is the tone that your essay carries throughout and that is the weak point of the essay.

While you were right to refer to an academic organization membership in relation to your 2 year plans at the university. That should not be the sole focus of your response. Note that the prompt is open in topic choice so you could go academic or social in response. A balance response to the prompt, would have shown both an academic and extra curricular interest or development over the next 2 years. After all, you are at the university to enhance both your intellectual and emotional I.Q. to better prepare you for your professional career. This is your chance to create your future professional network. So don't focus on the academic development of your university life alone.

Balance out the discussion by offering an interest in the non-academic side of your development at the school as well. that should take the place of your discussion about why the Haas business school is your dream school. That is not required information anyway and should not be placed in this essay. The prompt has specific requirements and only your balanced response to the question should be presented to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Juan, you need to better direct your opening statement in order to properly respond to the prompt. So here is my suggested introduction for you:

I look to the skies and planets beyond our immediate galaxy for my studies in Aerospace Engineering. Inspired by the successes of Niel Armstrong and SpaceX, I wish to pursue a career that will allow me to help our space program develop to the point where space travel will become as ordinary as riding a car, just that my developed vehicles will travel light years into space, reaching new human settlements on Mars and Kepler 652. This is the dream that I hope to turn into a reality through the study of this program.

That is 512 words in total. Use the remaining word count to explain your vision for space travel in the next paragraph and then relate the development of that vehicle to your interest in this program. Basically, you have to explain how this program, through research and future study, will allow you to help man settle in other worlds. That is the vision you have and that is the reason for your interest in this program of study. Don't hesitate to let me know if you need help in developing the latter part as well. I'm here to help.

Writing Feedback / Blood sports - the cruel killings of helpless animals should be banned. To what extent do you agree? [5]

Much better. The salient points of the essay prompt are represented. It offers a clear insight into the original prompt and offers a background for the discussion that will enlighten the examiner. More importantly, the way that you structured the introduction at this point displays your potential to understand the English language and shows off your comprehension abilities. The writing skills that you display, based upon the introduction, can also be deemed to be that of a moderate English learner.

That said, I cannot totally judge the way that your essay will be scored. Keep in mind that you had help in writing the introduction so the quality of the essay may change in the later portions because those will be written solely by you already. You already know how to write the polished essay based upon the example of the introduction. Try to use it as your pattern for writing the rest of the essay. It should not be hard because your discussion points are clearly stated and referred to in the opening statement.

Writing Feedback / The annual books expenditures in Germany, France, Italy and Austria from 1995 to 2005 (in million $) [3]

The line graph ilustrates ILLUSTRATES the annual books expenditures in Germany, France, Italy and Austria. THE ILLUSTRATION COVERS THE PERIOD from 1995 to 2005, and is measured in millionS OF US dollars. ... showed a slight drop in WITHIN THE a decade.

- Your overview was lacking one sentence to make it a completely rendered summary of the report. I just divided one sentence into two to fix that problem. Make sure to always provide the minimum 3 sentence requirement in the paragraphs in order to not affect your final score.

Austria and France seem to raised their books expenditures ... For a more detailed analysis, in 1995 Austria spent $30 MILLION (Always indicate the value of money. The reader will tend to forget even if you mentioned it before. The lack of monetary value means you are offering incomplete information). for books, which . THIS was the least amount SPENT among the three othereuropean European countries. ... increased during OVER THE four following years then it remains AND REMAINED unchanged until IN 2001. ... this county beated Italy in the amount of books expenditures ... jump by OF $20 MILLION and this amount tended to rise until reach WHICH ROSE TO a peak at OF $70 MILLION in 2005. ... which showed a small increased of $20 MILLION in the end of the peroid PERIOD.

Although Germany and Italy also spent much SUBSTANTIVE AMOUNTS OF money... GermanY tended ... the amount stood at $80 MILLION and rose until 1999.... saw a fall by OF $5 MILLION in 2003 and rose again to $95 MILLION LATER ON. On the other hand FINALLY, Italy experienced its A small plunge in 1999 ... steadily increaseD to more than $60 MILLION in 2005.

Writing Feedback / Blood sports - the cruel killings of helpless animals should be banned. To what extent do you agree? [5]

Dang, your introduction is acceptable. It is a good start. However, you need to better develop your opening statement. It does not totally reflect the restated prompt based upon the given discussion. I would have phrased the opening statement in the following manner:

It is said that man has come a long way from his barbaric life during ancient times. Yet, blood sports involving cruelty to animals such as dog fighting and hunting, continue to proliferate in our modern times. While society claims to be developing, there are still those who enjoy engaging in blood sports, which is why it has become a topic of debate in recent years. I am of the opinion that there should not be any exceptions to the clamor to have blood sports banned. If man wishes to prove he has become civilized, then he must no longer engage in cruel blood sports. I will discuss my reasons for opinion further in the succeeding paragraphs.

Take note, I made sure to use the keywords provided in the prompt in order to clue in the examiner as to how well I understood the discussion and the prompt requirements. The restated prompts always need to contain the keywords in order to show a proper understanding of the prompt and allow for a better developed restated thesis.

Writing Feedback / The drawbacks and detrimental points of Fairmont Island visit assessed by some tourists [3]

The drawbacks of regularly positive and detrimental points ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES of LIVING ON Fairmont Island AS assessed by some tourists is illustrated in THE pie chart and measured in percentageS. ... the greatest percentage of demerit NEGATIVES WERE was the expensiveness of living price THE COST OF LIVING. Conversely, the inhabitants gained the highest proportion of the benefits.

Regarding to the first figure, visitors surveyed REVEALED that the... living expenses for AT 45%. It was followed by entertaining programs which obtained less than a third of all sections. At at 20%, the . THE climate was the third largest HIGHEST level OF MAJOR CONCERN while meal quality was the least number for AT only 5%.

... ... the scenery that gained less than two-fifths (USE PERCENTAGE FIGURES. BE CONSISTENT. DON'T CHANGE DATA FORMATS MIDSTREAM.) . The remaining figures shared almost THE equal number as the minority which were 11% and 12% for ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - Money Spent on Books - France and Austria spent the most [2]

... money spent on books in some countries . THE PERIOD INDICATED INCLUDES THE YEARS from 1995 to 2005 and is measured in THE millions of US dollars. ... be seen that, France and Austria showED AN the upward trend along WITHIN THE period, but Germany and Italy experienceD a fluctuation over 11 years.

- I had to place a period at the end of your first sentence in order to create a longer overview that aligns itself with the minimum 3 sentence requirement. You had only 2 long sentences in this paragraph and that was just unacceptable in terms of formatting.

... Austria spent THE most money on books. T... similar level during OVER 3 years. Then, in 1999, France, 1999 saw ... around 10 MILLION FOR BOOK EXPENSES. , but WHILE Austria witnessed a levelling LEVELING off at 40 MILLION in that year until 2001. Afterwards, Money spent on book MONEY SPENT ON BOOKS in France rise ROSE slightly for... Austria increaseD ITS EXPENSES dramatically from 2001 to 2005.

... on books in Germany saw A small growth... to 1999, but then . THIS fell steadily ... sudden rise IN EXPENSES from 2003 to 2005. ... a slow increase during FOR 2 years, but then declined slowly TO EXPENSES OF approximately 50 MILLION between 1997... was A STEADY increased steadily to around 65 MILLION at the end of THE period.

Undergraduate / QUEENS COMMERCE SUPP. ESSAY - Pick a job and describe impact/greatest learning outcome [3]

Christina, what is the word limit on your essay? It seems like you wrote this in a rush so you were not able to properly depict the aspects of the prompt that could have helped to introduce you better to the reviewer. I speak of the second paragraph where you begin to discuss the difficulties of mixing job training, actual job performance, and your academic life. In order for the reviewer to understand the lessons that you learned, he must understand what obstacles you had to overcome, which taught you these lessons. You can't just give him an overview or summary of what your early work life was. You need to actually tell him the situations you were involved in.

If you would like, you can pick the most trying situation that you found yourself in, explain what happened, how you reacted, and the lesson you learned from it. That way you truly depict the prompt demand of picking a job and then describing the greatest learning impact that you got out of it. One specific story told is better than a generalized statement meant to encompass all your experiences and lessons.

This essay still has room for development, which is why I made the suggestions above. I hope that you consider them for the further improvement of your personal statement. It has the potential to be very good. Right now, it is just average. So let's bat for very good to excellent :-)

Undergraduate / Pre-Medical Post Bacc Personal Statement- Why med school? Any critiques/input are welcome :) [2]

Taniya, you should expand upon the part about your volunteering for with Doctors Without Walls Santa Barbara Street Medicine. This exposure seems to be the turning point for your interest in medicine so you should discuss what your participation was in the group, how you felt as a volunteer, and what you were able to do to help alleviate the health woes of others. You have to prove to the reviewer that you have the "heart" of a doctor. This would be the best way to do it.

I suggest that you remove the word fillers at the beginning of the essay. You know, the part that starts with " The medical profession attracts a certain type of person..." and ends with "I want to practice medicine. "That does not really have a direct relation to you so it would be best to just remove it. I also have some suggestions for the next part of your essay.

In the part where you discuss the "beauty and the beast" of the healthcare profession, don't discuss the marvels of medical science in this part. Instead, discuss you own "best" experience when seeking doctor care, and the "beast" of an experience that you have when you need to deal with red tape in getting medical care. These experiences will tie in better with the story of your father's overdose. Your personal experience, added to the experience of your father will better enhance the reasons as to why you would want to become a physician in the future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : IS JUDGING PERSONALITY FROM CLOTHES RIGHT TO BE JUSTIFIED? [3]

Anissa, while I will commend you for developing a good discussion. You failed to represent the complete prompt instructions in your essay. You were supposed to state the two sides of the issue in the restated prompt portion of the essay. The discussion should have indicated that you would be looking into the side that supports the idea that clothes define a person, then the side that believes that people cannot be judged by clothes, before presenting your opinion at the end of the opening statement. Consider the opening statement half complete in this case. Therefore, the score will also be half or less of what it should actually be, even with your grammar issues involved.

If you read further down in your essay, you will notice that you also lack a paragraph that represents the opposing side. The one that believes that people cannot be judged by their clothes. That paragraph should have been placed before your opinion because your personal line of reasoning was meant to help increase the validity of the claim. That additional paragraph would have increased the score of this essay by a large number.

It is important to remember to refer to the original prompt as you write the essay. That way you can double check your work for prompt responsiveness and assure yourself that you have followed all of the instructions given and have met all of the prompt requirements. Those are very simple things you can do to help increase the score in this exam and yet a number of students often forget to do this as part of their practice tests. I suggest that you train yourself to do this in order to increase your score chances.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : CAN OUTFIT APPEARANCE SHOWS SOMEONE'S CHARACTER? [3]

Mardy, the prompt clearly states that you must indicate your personal opinion on the topic, aside from presenting the two sides of the argument for discussion. Therefore, you opening statement should contain a restated prompt, an opposing line of reason, a supporting line of reason, and your personal opinion on the matter. Closing the opening statement by saying that you will discuss both points of view in the essay is not sufficient. You were required to indicate an opinion as part of the opening statement and yet you failed to do so. Any instructions that you are unable to reflect in the essay will give the opinion that you lack the basic English comprehension skills necessary to properly complete the test. Expect to immediately enter into the low score bracket for this essay due to that one missing element of the essay alone.

What makes matters even worse for the final score of your essay is the fact that, just like the other test takers who disregard the proper formatting requirements of the test, you are discussing your personal opinion as a concluding statement to the paper. Your opinion is not meant to be the closing statement of the paper. It is meant to have its own properly developed paragraph instead. By using your opinion to close the essay, you have not followed the correct format instructions and again, have proven your inability to develop a written English paper in the proper form. Which means to say that you are unable to follow English worded instructions, which translates into a regrettably low score for this essay.

You are still doing practice tests. So I suggest that you train yourself in the proper ways and means of developing an IELTS essay. You need to make sure that you display an ability to understand English instructions and properly develop a logical English essay. This essay doesn't do that for you.

Writing Feedback / Untalented Children in artistic learn painting and drawing in Art classes at school [2]

Sharfina, you mention that a child should be pulled out of art classes in order to help them avoid feeling depressed because they do not have the talent for arts. At the end of the essay, you again repeat this statement by indicating that the child should be pulled out of art class so the child will not feel worthless. There are two problems with your argument.

First of all, since you provided a line of reasoning regarding preventing the feeling of depression for non-artistically incline students, you should have rendered a discussion of that topic within the body of paragraphs. You did not represent that line of reasoning at all and instead, offered unrelated facts and opinions. You must always remember that any claims you make in your thesis statement must be found within the essay itself. Your inability to represent a more thorough discussion of that opinion makes the opening thesis confusing. There is no sense in mentioning an opinion of you are not willing to further develop that discussion in the latter part of the essay.

Second, you should know by now that offering a totally new reason in the conclusion, in this case that is the "worthlessness" of a student, will be frowned upon by the examiner and result in a format deviation on your part which, for sure, will affect your final grade. You were not able to properly develop that line of reasoning because you made it part of the conclusion, which made the essay seem to end on an illogical note. There was no sense of closure in your essay.

You know what it will take for your score to improve in this essay. I suggest that you do it so that you can have a better chance at a passing score.

Graduate / Political knowledge structure and understanding of communication; Master in Political Science SOP [3]

Kseniya, your statement of purpose would be most informative if you included an employment purpose for your desire for higher studies. Aside from your interest in further research for specific fields of law, what is your short or long term career plan that will benefit from this advanced form of study? I know you only have 100 words to work with so you will need to remove the word fillers or irrelevant statements in the essay. Some of the portions that I suggest you delete include:

Finishing my BA I've understood... MA Program in Political Science.

if you remove this part and open the essay with your interest in research, you will have more than enough word count to better illustrate your purpose for higher study in relation to your actual career. Don't limit your statement of purpose to a purely academic sense. An MA student always has a higher career goal in mind in relation to his MA studies. So make sure you reflect the same in your statement of purpose.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the alteration of the global sales of hybrid vehicles - four-year period [2]

Mita, you need to improve the composition of your opening statement. As a report overview, you are expected to deliver the key information in the chart within 3-5 sentences. As of now, your opening statement falls short if the informative requirements of this type of essay writing.

Your essay format is too tight on the page. Try to clearly show that you have 3 separate paragraphs, at a minimum in your next essay by using the enter key to separate the lines. Yes, line breaks are very important in the formatting of your essay as it offers the examiner a better chance to read and understand what you have to say.

The rest of your presentation is complete and acceptable. However, you have a tendency to over summarize the data you have. Always try to go for the long form of the presentation just to make the report more informative and assure the examiner of your logical thinking and writing abilities in English. When the essay is too short, as in this case, it seems like you have a limited ability to use the English language and could result in a lower grade.

Writing Feedback / From the whole world music, traditional one is genuinely meaningful and should be preserved. [2]

Rahmat, your opening statement would have been helped by the presentation of a pro and con opinion regarding the thesis prompt. this would have been more in line with the expected discussion format of this kind of essay. By the way, your opinion is incorrect at the end of the thesis statement. You are being asked to give an opinion as to the importance of traditional music in the international music scenario. You are not being asked whether traditional music is important or not.

While the essay discussion that you presented in the second paragraph is good, the third paragraph deviated from the prompt topic as you compared the listening styles involved in various music settings. Which is nowhere near discussing the importance or lack of importance of traditional music in a country. Why do you think traditional music should be promoted alongside international music? Is it important to keep traditional music alive? Why do you think that? Those are the questions that you should be answering alongside the prompt analogy regarding the importance of listening to traditional music.

Undergraduate / I would continue one of my greatest passions - tennis (if forced to choose one of my activities) [2]

Nathan, your response is clear and provides the reviewer with an idea as to how tennis can help you become a better adjusted and high performing student at the university in the future. I wish that you had indicated some information in the essay about how you would like to join to the tennis team of the university (if one exists) or perhaps how you want to start one (if one doesn't exist) because of the benefits that playing tennis offers students.

You have some slight grammatical errors that I feel need to addressed below:

... Being part of the club tennis team TENNIS TEAM DURING in my first semester... great platform on WITH which to meet ... incredibly helpful to ease IN EASING my transition into ... dislikes exercising in the gym GYM EXERCISES... , tennis was IS my primary method... Perhaps most importantly, however , playing tennis allows me to continue enjoying one of my passions; tennis has been a large part of my life thus far, and I envision it will continue to be for quite a while. A MORE RELAXED AND ADJUSTED COLLEGE LIFE AS I CONTINUE MY EDUCATION.

I edited the last sentence because it was just redundant without offering any new meaning. You can opt to change the last sentence content instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: my view about the usefulness of doctors versus inventors [2]

Angga, you have a pretty good essay discussion going here. The examples that you used are relevant and easily understandable. There is a clear real relationship between the medical profession and that of being an inventor. Your examples have made your essay not only strong and verifiable, but also informative and analytical in a way.

Regardless of the grammar problems, I do not see this essay as failing in an actual test situation. That is because the discussion that you presented was properly developed and showed a clear line of logic as you developed the paper. If I had to critique any part of this essay, it would have to be the conclusion.

Your conclusion is the least developed of the essay. Containing only 2 sentences, it lacks one more sentence to be considered halfway developed. The information that you present also calls into question whether you are merely summarizing the content of the essay (as required) or if you were uniquely presenting some new and additional information in a part of the essay where you should not be doing that. An improved conclusion will allow you garner an even higher score than this essay currently qualifies for.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, e-learning becomes one of popular studying methods at university [2]

Fariz, please complete your opening statement by indicating your personal opinion regarding the topic statement. It is a requirement of the instructions and it is the only part missing in your introduction at this point. Yes, the lack of your opinion weakened the opening statement and, would have resulted in points deductions in an actual test. Always complete the information of the introductory statement if you want to increase your chances for the highest possible score.

Remove your opinion from the concluding statement. Your opinion should be as fully developed as the other body paragraphs of the essay. It should not be a mere reference point in the overall paper. By adding your opinion to the conclusion, you presented a weak and unacceptable opinion. In fact, you presented an opinion that the examiner will not consider because it broke the paragraph development and formatting rules of the essay. Don't expect to get a good score on this essay, even as a practice test. You just omitted too many important factors for it to garner an acceptable score.

Writing Feedback / Most employers interview candidates before hiring them [2]

Sharfina, watch out for those tricky capitalization problems. Only proper nouns should be capitalized so the word Job doesn't need to be capitalized. Never say "I will come up with..." as part of your opening statement. You are not being asked to do that by the prompt. Instead, you should speak with certainty and a strong opinion in this part of the essay.

Overall, you have managed to provide a pretty impressive essay. Your discussion mentions facts and figures with verifiable sources. This will prove to the examiner that you have an analytical mind which has the ability to decipher the information you come across. While there are some grammatical errors in the essay, I would not worry about it so much. The essay delivers on all grading rubic points so you are assured that this essay would have passed an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue that the great device to communicate people should be internet [3]

Siti, I have a question for you. Why are you discussing the ability of the internet to keep people in contact with each other when the prompt is asking you to give your opinion as to whether the internet is the best place to get information? You did not accurately understand the prompt requirements and went off tangent by presenting an opinion that is not in accordance with the question being asked of you. Therefore, you have a flawed opening statement and thesis statement. This means that this paper will get a low score, based upon the problematic presentation of the prompt requirements.

You concentrated your discussion on the way that the internet serves as a communication tool for people when the real argument was supposed to be centered upon the ability of the internet to provide accurate information. Keep in mind that the last part of the essay prompt held the actual instruction for your writing. The first part was just an introduction for comparison purposes.

Facebook is not the correct example to use in this essay. The best example would have been either Wikipedia or any search engine. Maybe even the websites themselves since some of them sell advertising instead of offering useful information. You should have given more thought to understanding the prompt and using more relevant examples and discussion tools.

Writing Feedback / The source shows the sale of hybrid vehicles in the world from 2006 to 2009 [4]

Adie, while your discussion is concise and can be appreciated for its distinct length and information style, you were not able to provide the expectations of the examiner when it comes to divulging information regarding the illustrated chart that you were given to dissect and report upon.

Your opening paragraph can use more detailed information in relation to the keywords mentioned in the essay. Always remember that the overview will allow you to better discuss and direct the body of the essay. So you should not take shortcutrs when indicating the summarized information that you will be presenting. The summary serves as the guideline for the reader and the rest of the essay.

Try to lengthen the discussion that you present per paragraph in order to highlight your English comprehension skills. By writing more information or better developing your paragraphs, you will also be able to display a heightened sense of English based logic and discussion abilities. Those are important aspects of your English skills that need to be displayed in the essay.

Writing Feedback / With the exception in 2009, The US had the highest sale number of hybrid transportation [4]

Try to build a bit more on your vocabulary. Widen your word choices. Since this is a practice test, you can still use a synonym reference book or online source to help you vary and teach you about identical word usage. Don't miss out on the opportunity to learn how to increase your knowledge of the English language.

... sales of hybrid transport CARS in Japan, US and other ... with the exception in OF 2009, The US had the highest number of hybrid transportation AUTOMOTIVE sales rather than WHEN COMPARED TO other countries.

... the hybrid vehicles were sold WERE approximately 250,000 ...sold only around 50,000.... sales in 2007 in which there was a WITH A dramatic increase to 350,000. m Meanwhile Japan ...

... there was a drop in the US SALES ... 100,000 hybrid transports CARS were sold respectively in Japan and other countries. ... in DURING the last year... above 100,000, the lowest number in FOR that year.

Writing Feedback / The pattern of hybrid cars sale (2006-2008) was dominated by USA, while Japan controlled year 2009. [5]

So far so good. The report is average in presentation and delivers all of the expectations for this type of report summary. The grammar problems are almost negligible because the logic behind the statements you made were still clear. However, I took the liberty of polishing the essay for you so that you will be able to see the potential you have to become a better writer.

... The pattern of sales during FROM 2006 until 2008 were WAS dominated by the US, while in 2009 Japan showed A global domination of transport sales.

... the first three years during that period of time witnessed A similar pattern, which was THAT most of THE vehicles that u... e sold by IN the US. ... THE US contributed 250,000 of that THE SALES, whilst WHILE Japan ... above 50,000 transportation . 2007 saw the largest US sales by US , which was 300,000. However, in the next year this number was smaller, DECREASED and mean while Japan and other countries steadily rose from the beginning .

... Japan sold THE most number of hybrid transport, which was aproximately AT APPROXIMATELY 325,000 units. ... times larger than those in THAT OF 2006.

Writing Feedback / PROPORTION OF FOSSIL FUELS CONSUMPTION IN THE US AND THE UK [2]

Your understanding of the chart is quite evident. As always, there are just certain confusing times in your essay when it comes to word usage. In your desire to prove that you have a wide English vocabulary, you sometimes use the wrong terms to describe a situation or status of people. Those are problems that you can overcome as you get used to writing your reports in English and you become more comfortable with the use of the English language.

... per three different earning incomeS among citizens ... the poor LOWER INCOME CLASS consume much MORE fuel than middle and rich ones THE MIDDLE AND UPPER CLASS ONES, ... low incomes spend less ON petrol ...

... in the United Kingdom consume USE petrol at approximately 0,5 to 2,7 percent of usage . In ON THE contrary, the poor in the US spendON petrol with reaching a high AT A RATE of 5,2%. ... fossil fuel AT around 4%-5% (the US) and 2,7%-4% (the UK).

... are virtually THE same where WITH the rich people in the UK utilize much SPENDING MORE ON petrol oil at around 3-4 percent % rather than wealthy people in the US at just around 2% to 4%.

Writing Feedback / Violence and crime increase among teenagers as a consequence of playing violent games? [5]

Thao, regardless of the grammar probloems in your essay, I have to say that the development of your discussion is weak, ill informed, and will definitely not serve to prove that you a clear understanding of the topic and a passing ability to use the English language. This essay is so badly written that it will not pass the actual test.

None of the reasons that you presented are completely developed. There is a lack of accurate discussion and information in the overall essay. You neglected to present acceptable evidence because you were not able to support your claims in the proper manner throughout your discussion. Aside from that, there is even the problem of formatting in your essay.

Your essay does not follow the guidelines for a properly developed essay. You need to create individual paragraphs because you have separate paragraph topics being presented in the essay. Each paragraph should be represented by a thorough and fully developed discussion of the idea you presented. Lengthen the discussion. That is the way that you can prove your English abilities to the examiner. Short essays mean uncertainty on your part. so make it longer and show confidence in your English language usage skills.