Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by IqbalThemi
Name: M Iqbal Themi
Joined: Apr 1, 2015
Last Post: Jun 30, 2015
Threads: 44
Posts: 46  
Likes: 13
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio

Displayed posts: 90 / page 1 of 3
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
IqbalThemi   
Jun 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Could alternative energy sources replace fossil-fuel energy? [2]

Alternative energy source that use natural power of the wind, waves, and sun are too expensive and complicated to replace the coal, oil and gas that we use to power our cities and transport.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


It is believed fossil fuels energy such as coal, oil and gas cannot be replaced by the usage of renewable energy in supplying energy for cities and transport. This is because the one is valued to save heavy process. As such, I personally agree with this motion since the renewable cannot produce as much as energy from non-renewable resources. Furthermore, due to unpredictable weather and large capital cost, some people deny hinging on alternative natural resources only.

First of all, natural resources of renewable are far hard to generate in large quantity of energy. According to an article reported that in 2011 some kind of alternative energy, which includes wind, waves and sun, just generate 1.6% of world energy supply. The article also released that this total cannot cover energy for basic needs of 7 billion cities' people around the world, whilst it has trillions of dollars of cars, trucks, airplanes, and construction machinery built to use the whole energy of coal, oil and gas. As a result, alternative natural energy sources provide considerably obstacles to displace non-renewable in producing energy to power individuals' activities.

Another problem is the refusal of societies to focus on new natural resources. Firstly, the system of it; wind, waves and sunshine energy, relies indeed upon the unpredictable weather for supply resources. If the weather does not produce a good climate condition, the alternative sources will be lack of capacity to make energy. Secondly, this requires large capital cost to build renewable plants and to maintain them. Without carrying this, the sources will not result enough energy for people's needs. And last but not least, this system involves wider land tracks. The reason is to meet up with the enormous quantities of electricity produced by fossil-fuel resources, their plants need to be set up. Undoubtedly, some critical issues of alternative energy bring much arduousness for persons to be enthusiastic energy consumers.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that lack of energy resulted from alternative natural resources and some troubles of it indicate there is profound doubtful to change fuel to renewable power. Therefore, I would argue that although people might need to leave their dependence on fossil-fuel resources in the future, it is not easy plan done in a short time.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Criminal activity performs a crucial impact in societies. What can be do to minimize this phenomenon [5]

The aforementioned evidence shows that although the proportion of murders which are appeared in the cities increases, the solutions to tackle the matters are available on the government. Where possible, people accounting for the criminal act should report it to the nearest police station for creating comfortable zone.

Again, you have to make sure your conclusion here. I am not sure what you mean to mention "the proportion of murders" in your conclusion.Indirectly, you make new issue which is far arduous with former issues from the first to the third paragraph. Furthermore, you need to provide your personal opinion; your hopes, fears, or recommendation about the issues.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Criminal activity performs a crucial impact in societies. What can be do to minimize this phenomenon [5]

Hi, It is a few comment for your writing. Hope this helps.

A particular reason on raising the crime rate which is happened in plenty of cities is that there are people who are idle.They could not acquire permanent job.To exemplify, in the contemporary era, recent studies from the statistics of South Africa reveals that the number of jobless in 2005 are exceeding five million people. They could not fulfil their daily need. As a huge number of poverty in South Africa, people have a tendency to earn wage by being a murder. Consequently, the figure of people committing a crime climbs annually.

Note:
- In the first sentence, it seems bulky sentence.This leads readers to be hard to understand it. If I am you, I will write like this: "A particular reason of this is the rise number of idle citizens in plenty of cities."

- In the second sentence, it is not significant enough to support the first sentence. It loses coherent with former sentence.

- In an example for this paragraph, it requires to reorganize to make sure your reader. Some transition word is needed here.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / The cause and measurement in solving the rise of crime rate [2]

Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity.

It is argued that more and more an annual crime rate grows up absolutely. As far as I am concerned, a rise of unemployment and poverty issues is key factor causing this problem more complicated. This is since for some citizens being criminal is a basic approach to survive in an economy competition. Again, broken families or single parenthood contributed in increasing crime rate. To solve this problem, government should provide more job fields for young people to enable everyone to reach their goals or fulfill life needs and also enact stringent laws for burdening criminal.

First of all, a major reason of this is the increase of unemployment and poverty rate per year. A significant study, conducted by Statistics Department of Lithuanian Republic Government, reported that the number of offenses per 100,000 population in 2005-2011 period basically correlates with unemployment trend rate indicators. Another result on this topic fund that in Europe unemployment and income inequalities have become the markers of social cohesion and sense or lack thereof, which generate more aggressive behavior as a reaction to social bias and discrimination. Undoubtedly, a growth rate in violent crimes is truly affected by how the number of unemployment and poverty rate is.

Another cause of the problem is broken families or single parenthood. According to an article recorded that in the UK seven out of 10 children being offenders come from broken homes, whilst the children having single parent families are more than twice as likely to live in committing crime instead of those living with both parents. In addition to this, a similar result showed that a ten per cent increase in the percentage of American children living in single-parent homes leads typically to a seventeen percent increase in juvenile crime.

Therefore, despite the complex problem, it is believed that the government is responsible for the developing of more workplace option. To illustrate this, if all of persons in a country carries out a good job permanently with a stable income, they will gain an improvement of profound life quality. As a result, by improving economic status of societies, the issues of crime rate growth can be overcome confidently. Also, the authority of judicial institution should provide a strict regulation of crime issues to pressure the number of crime rise. This is because people tend to worry to commit crime repeatedly, if they receive an extraordinary punishment.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although crime rate experiences an obvious rise per year, this can be solved by building a comfortable workplace and formulating a strict policy from the government. Therefore, I would argue that to maximize in solving this should the government not just focus on providing job fields or making regulation, but arouse individuals' self-conscious to respect for the rules of society too.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Overweight now is becoming a serious health threat globally [2]

Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?

An obvious issue of obesity today is becoming a serious health threat. As far as I am concerned, the cause of this is more and more citizens feel comfortable with their sedentary lifestyle and prefer fast food as their routine consumption, which result a higher risk of disease for them such as coronary heart disease, diabetes and cancer. To solve the problem, I would argue that to educate children eating healthy food will arouse individuals' self-conscious to come up with changing their unhealthy eating food. Meanwhile, encouraging societies to run physical exercise regularly are another viable solution to enhance a way of healthy life.

First of all, improving children's knowledge of how important consume healthy food as a vital aspect of perfect health. To illustrate of this, if all of parents and teachers are in charge of children to be well-educated and well-informed about healthy eating habit, this will ensure the children to be more likely to eat vegetables and drink considerably less sugary beverages. As a result, this approach absolutely encourages the children to respect for their own bodies.

Then, another an important factor for weight loss is exercising efficiently and high-intensity. This is because by running mental exercise far intensive will boosts HGH production, which is truly essential for well-being health, fitness and weight management. Again, this pattern also is going to raise heart health rate in long run. In addition to this, with high regularly exercise and adding a healthy diet will be an effective fat-burning machine to restore an excellent health normally. Last but not least, this will prevent a deadly disease such as cardiac arrest for blood circulation system in human body can be normal function.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that parents and teachers play an important role in solving this problem through having control their children over growing time, whilst persons' awareness to plan exercise program regularly will excel this case to reach an optimal solution. Therefore, I would recommend that government should take charge of the problem like to restrict advertising fast-food industry which is exposed massively on television, so that either parents or teachers can maximize in educating the children to protect consuming a danger food.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Financial penalties in traffic. Should fines be mainly applied rather than some other policies? [6]

As far as I am concerned, more scholars, who focus on formal writing, will write the first paragraph with covering a background of task and wide of thesis statement.

If I am you,I will rewrite your introduction below,
Recently there has been no shortage of heated discussion about adopting monetary punishments in solving traffic accidents or other solutions to tackle this problem. In my opinion, I strongly believe that financial punishment is the most effective way rather than other solutions.

A closer look at my example:
It is argued that an issues of traffic punishment is debatable for some reason. This public debate arouses citizens' interest to come up with their idea that financial penalties for traffic violators is more effective than implementing other regulations such as taking vehicle documents. Therefore, I strongly believe that both arguments have different perspectives in terms of traffic violations.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should all education and healthcare be funded by the government and free for everyone? [2]

All education and healthcare should be funded by the government and free for everyone.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.


Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

The idea that government should be responsible to provide the safety net such as education and healthcare are debatable motion. As far as I am concerned, it is believed by some people that education and healthcare are backbone of human being, which has to be freely available from the government to every society. However, others tend to think that the government should fund these services depending on demands of citizens since not all of them will go hospital and enroll at the school or college. As such, I personally agree with former opinion.

First of all, education and healthcare is largely considered a basic right for every person. The main reason of this is if a population is unable to calculate, read and write, they will be doomed in such a competitive global economy. Meanwhile, if people are unhealthy, they will lose mobility for working. The result of this is a rise of unemployment and poverty rates, so a problem faced by the government will be more and more complicated. Therefore, a state education and healthcare should be secured by government to all of social societies without charging.

Having said that, opponents of this idea argue that the government should guarantee both services based on request of individuals as not the whole citizens, paying tax revenue every time, will solve their health problem by controlling hospital doctors. To illustrate of this, more persons now run physical exercise regularly and have balanced diet to maintain their better life, while some of societies prefer to study outside school. Then, these attitudes will lead more and more people to perceive never government's budget for free both services. As a result, it is just waste of money from tax revenue, if government continue to afford these services with free of charge for all of citizens.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that it is arguably that many people probably will not require free education and healthcare in their life, but for some both cervices play a significant role in advanced economic competition globally. Therefore, I totally suggest that the government should be allocated more money to enhance education and healthcare freely for everyone as a key factor of any successful society.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / Why is sport is important at school? [4]

Hi, I would like to suggest you for introduction more students, especially who focus on IELTS writing test, will talk about it in general ideas which lead us, as a writer, easily to break down body paragraph. In my opinion, I would regret to argue your introduction here is so far specific and then does not coherent with main idea of each paragraph.

Let me provide an example with your task:

Why is sport is important at school?

Running sport regularly enhances level of a great stamina for many scholars. As such, some citizens argue that this is a key factor to lead more and more students to perceive a perfect health, improving their a academic performances. Meanwhile, a social character will appear in daily intercommunication with their friends as long as they immerse in community of running physical exercise at a academic environment. Therefore, I personally believe that the sport play a significant role at the school curricula.

Hope this helps
IqbalThemi   
Jun 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / Maintaining body health and saving the world as a whole with eating no meat or fish [2]

Some people choose to eat no meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world as a whole. Discuss this view and give your own opinion.

More and more people now neglect to consume meat or fish. They argue that this benefits for either their own health or the world as a whole. As far as I am concerned, it is believed that this will encourage plenty of people to have healthy diet as they frequently consume food far fewer calories and less fat. Again, what individuals do this is a shape of responsibilities in saving the world from danger global warming affected greenhouses gases produced the amount of meat production.

A group who says YES would argue that people could change their habit of eating so as to be good diet. For instance, persons emphasizes food of fruits, vegetables, grains, beans, legumes and nuts which all are rich in fiber, vitamin and other nutrients, so this can prevent people obtaining a serious risk of deadly disease. This is relevant with an Australia significant study released that people who consume no meat has a protective effect and immune system of heart disease. As a result, naturally finding alternative foods is the great way to reach a perfect health.

In addition to this, meat production increases global warming considerably. As per a 2006 reported by the United Nation Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO), this study reveals that current production levels of meat contribute between 14 and 12 percent of the 36 million tons of CO2 - equivalent greenhouse gases the world produce it every year which is caused by manufacturing half a pound of hamburger. As a consequence, the more people eat meat, the more world is threatened, since the amount of meat production is forecasted to raise far more rapid effects on greenhouse gas emissions and atmospheric concentrations.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that people come up with their interest to protect their own health and to contribute preserving safety earth from climate change. Therefore, I would argue that this approach brings all changes better. Where possible, government and health authorities are likely to campaign this issue massively with the intention of attracting more individuals to follow the trend.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / How much do drivers spend on petrol? [2]

The line graph provides information regarding the amount of petrol spent people in two different countries and it is measured in the percentage of income. Overall, what stands out from the graph shows that poorest and middle-income in USA spent more income on petrol than those was in UK. However, in UK richest people used much more money for petrol instead of USA's richest individuals.

In detail, in USA poorest persons spent far much income on petrol than those was in the same country who had other income and was in UK. In contrast, the gap between middle-income of people in USA and UK allocating budgets for petrol saw narrowed considerably.

A closer look at the data reveals that more richest people in UK took income to consume petrol than USA's. Although both those in these countries had parallel downward trend in consuming petrol, UK's wealthiest people was more than USA'.




IqbalThemi   
Jun 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Space exploration is much too expensive and the money should be spent on more important things. [3]

I would like to share idea in your introduction here for persuading reader so as to understand easily.

This's my example,
Space exploration is becoming popular in some countries today. For many people, this spends considerably large budget which should allocate for more useful human needs. Therefore, I strongly disagree with the statement since this can help human in navigating weather and save environmental destruction.

Hope this helps.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / The increase of advance technology over the years is resonating around us, students. [5]

Let me give example,
The technology brings convenience of people to finish activities for better. As such, some people believe that this is excellent era of social interaction since many features provided by it change people to be easy to reach their targets of working. Meanwhile, what people can take in improving their knowledge is positive impact from technology. Therefore, I strongly agree with this statement as by technology those can make better life.Hope it helpful
IqbalThemi   
Jun 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Advanced medical treatment brings longer life of human expectancy [3]

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, advanced medical treatment plays an important role in medical practice. The impact of this is that humans have a tendency to live longer so that this increase life expectancy from many people. As far as I am concerned, development of medical care brings convenience for people to cope with rare disease and have more alternative ways to maintain human health. Meanwhile, that this encourages more individuals to avoid some traditional medication is negative impact of this.

Clearly, it is inevitable that advanced medical care make easily to deal with dangerous disease. Take some medical expert in America as an example, with improving medical treatment they can find new medicine to cope with a rare disease in South Africa, ebola in 2015, which kill many persons there. As a result, we can see that development of this tool helps so much in medical practice to save human.

In addition, sophisticated technology of medical treatment also provides more alternative of maintaining people's health. Result finds that more than 30% of elderly people in some developed countries can keep fit since they check-up regularly in high quality of modern hospital using those. As a consequence, there is no doubt that some developed technology of medication care are liable for people to have expectancy to longer life.

However, opponents of this opinion said that improvements to medical care can enable people to leave alternative treatments. A significant study showed that today more and more people prefer to go to modern hospitals providing advanced service. Consequently, this causes some therapist of traditional treatments will lose their jobs.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although the development of medical care has negative effect, but it will not outshine the benefit of advanced technology in modern medication. Therefore, I would argue that by improving some tools of medication people now can make better life.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / 'globalization risk' - visitors to a country follow local customs and behavior? [3]

With the development of technology, people travel the world easily in the modern society. As long as (...)
(...) of the argument. However, as far as I concerned, I am favour of former.

Here, I would like to suggest possible ideas for your essay.
Tourists play an important role in tourism industry. As such, more and more countries try to attract plenty of people's interest from different countries for coming. For some individuals, travelers should follow what is local culture and costume in places where they visit to obtain welcoming from the local people. Whilst it is reasonable to some extent, I tend to think that visitors actually do not need to follow the custom of the areas visited as long as they can respect and do not influence the inhabitants so much.Hope this helps
IqbalThemi   
Jun 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate? [4]

I think you need to rewrite your introduction here.

Internet have been generalized in global village. People between countries can operate businesses with surprising speed and feel each other very close, whereas it is considerable that negative side is worsening.

Some people say that the internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another?

Let me try,
The world seems smaller and smaller since the internet changes considerably more ways of communication in people life. Therefore, I tend to have a tendency that the internet brings convenience for people to develop close relationship easily to each others as this provides some features which can be simpler to be accessed.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / Trends in childrens early formal education [3]

In some countries it is thought advisable that children begin formal education at four years old, while in others they do not have to start school until they are seven or eight. How far do you agree with either of these views?

Children starting to study since early ages are becoming a program trend in some countries to know the children with environmental academic soon. However, others argue that children should know school if they have aged seven or eight. For this reason, I would contend that although allowing children to study at school in aged 7 or 8 would make them more independent, it is golden aged to bring children in school in early ages.

First of all, no one can avoid that early ages is golden ages to know more knowledge. A significant study in one country reported that the country provides some alternative school for children less than ten years. Surprisingly, students in early ages (4-5 years old) can memorize faster and more animal and plant names than older students in the same period when they start study. As a result, it is inevitable that early ages have golden time to have faster progress of improving knowledge in studying of formal education.

Conversely, opponents of this opinion said that aged 7 or 8 years to begin study enable children to be more independent. For example, children in this age generally can go to school alone without brought by their parents. Not only this, they also are believed to be able to face their own challenges of environmental academic. As a consequence, there is no doubt that children starting to go to school in aged 7 or 8 can be more survive with their own problems.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that even though both opinions bring benefit to children from all of ages, starting study in four years is better as golden ages ensure the children to take easily wider horizon of academic subject. Therefore, I strongly agree with the first opinion to encourage children to have a greater quality of education so as to make better life of children in the future.
IqbalThemi   
Jun 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / Radio is the best way to get news, while others believe that TV is better for this purpose [6]

I see that you need to rewrite your introduction to lead your reader to understand the content of this essay since the first glance.

In this era of technology and globalization all of sphere life has change dramatically and television news has no exception and more popular in nowadays. In contrast to this, some people believe that radio news are still sublime for certain people. In this essay, I will discuss both views,

This is my example,
In globalization era today, advanced technology changes dramatically piece of entertainment media. As such, television as one of modern entertainment media now become considerably more popular for plenty of people. Having said that, others argue that radio is still sublime in providing news to society. Therefore, I would contend that for people living in large industrial city, television brings convenience to update news, whilst radio can be still alternative media of individuals staying in a pretty village.Hope this helps.
IqbalThemi   
May 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information crime rates in Newport city center in 2003 and 2010 [2]

The chart gives information regarding the number of incidents in Newport city center between 2003 and 2010. Overall, the most striking point is that all of areas experienced a downward trend throughout the whole period in the question. However, the crime rate of burglary decreased dramatically after peaking at the second year.

According to the chart, burglary had the highest number of crime rate at the starting period. It stood at 3,500 in 2003 and increased gradually in the next year before their figures saw a dramatic fell by about 2,500 in 2008 to finish at just under 2,000 at the end of the period in question. Following this, between 2003 and 2005, the figure of incident for car theft remained stable. After dropping in 2006, this rose back to the same figure at the beginning of the period.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from the chart reveals that the figure of robbery war far lower than another. Standing at over 500 in 2003, the trend fluctuated from 2004 to 2010 before coming back to the first number in the last year in the chart.

Clearly, in 2012, if we analyze the data we can see that the gap between the three areas had narrowed considerately after the number of car theft overtook between 2006 and 2007.




IqbalThemi   
May 30, 2015
Writing Feedback / When choosing a career, financial gain should be the most important consideration. [6]

I think your introduction need to rewrite.

In my opinion, when choosing a career, the money (...)

Let me try:
"When choosing a career, financial gain should be the most important consideration"

A perfect career is a vital aspect for plenty of people to survive live. As such, Some persons argue that persons should consider how the amount of money they are going to obtain before choosing a career. Whilst it true to some extent, I would argue that though financial purposes influence people in taking a career, people should see that enjoyable workplace is an important aspect. Hope it's helpful.
IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Colour is a great instrument which influence more and more consumers [3]

Colour is a powerful of tools that is used to great effect by manufacturers and retail companies when they try to sell us something. In fact, many of the purchasing decisions we make are partly or largely influenced by colour.

How true is this statement?
How much does colour influence us when we buy something?


Attractive colour plays an important role in manufacturing company especially to attract more consumers to buy company's product. Clearly, this can be seen from how decisions individuals make to purchase some goods appears that it is highly likely influenced by colours they are interested. Therefore, from my point of view, this statement is mainly true since powerful colours of retail company likely hypnotize people. Furthermore, bright colours and pattern surrounding market are going to affect youngsters to have a tendency to buy cloth with a particular colour.

First of all, lovely colorful product of company persuades people's interest. To illustrate, when persons go to shopping to buy some vegetables and fruits, they tend to inevitably to choice them which have glow colours. The possible reason of this is as the ones look more ripe than darker foods. As a consequence, vibrant goods bring more convenience for plenty of people.

Having said that, it is arguably that the youngest people are liable to be more interested to buy clothes in strong colours. Result from one of garment companies in Indonesia found that 70% of their products with glowing colour designs to be sold progressively which the majority of consumers are youngsters under 25 old. As a results, more creative colour designs of products company produce more persons have a tendency to buy.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that though other factors can influence people in buying things, obviously a bright colour is predominant to lead lots of individuals to choose perfect goods at the first glance. Therefore, my personal opinion is that a powerful colour of any product influence people considerably when they buy the products.
IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information technology is changing many aspects of our lives and now dominates our home, leisure [3]

Your introduction here seems going around in the circle. Please you can read more your intro. How the meaning is? frankly, there are some sentence have a similar meaning, it is better if you try to merge them to be simpler and also I think you can mention directly how the drawback and benefit are? so you can lead your reader to understand easily about your essay. Let me an example:

Information technology improves people's activities in all parts of the world. In most cases, this change leads plenty of individuals to finish their works in workplace from their home or while travelling. As such, I personally believe that advanced technology ensures some people to be more flexible and enjoyable working although being unhealthy lifestyle is considerable challenge for lots of persons.

Hope it helful.

IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information technology changes the way how people work today [2]

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc). Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

Information technology improves people's activities in all parts of the world. In most cases, this change leads plenty of individuals to finish their works in workplace from their home or while travelling. As such, I personally believe that advanced technology ensures some people to be more flexible and enjoyable working although being unhealthy lifestyle is considerable challenge for lots of persons.

First of all, people become more flexible to conduct their jobs at home. To illustrate, a virtual learning provides more comfortable learning for some scholars at university than a traditional classroom in which lecturers can explain their materials of subjects outside campus such as lecturers' home. Not only this, it is also a viable solution to teach students who prefer not attended at class of lecturers whilst students are able to report their research by email. As a result, because of technology persons now have many alternative ways to do any activity well.

In addition, modern technology enables some individuals to have enjoyable jobs. Result reveals that, today, more and more persons establish online shopping as their main work. The principal reason of this is because they can serve their consumers from wherever and whenever they want. As a consequence, surprisingly, only by staying at home many people have a good job and take high income.

Having said that, opponents of such this opinion argued that modern technology leads people to have sedentary lifestyle. For instance, many individuals now spend length of their times just sitting in front of computer to browse the internet or using their smart phones from day to day. Consequently, some suffer the rare disease from their habits which are poor exercise throughout the whole period of their life.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although sophisticated technology bring negative impacts for people but it will not outshine the advantages of mobility due to modern information technology. Therefore, I would suggest that people should maximize technology resources to make better life.
IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Two totally different opinions about how we can prepare our kids to be good community members [7]

The rapidly change social and psychological circumstances in the current era has posed a new challenge on behaving children. There's an ever growing debate about the best way to teach children how to be good members of the society. Some people think it's the role of the parents to behave their children but others think that the school is the best place to learn this.I will discuss both opinions in detail.

I suggest you to rewrite your introduction here. Let me try:

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Good behavior is a vital aspect in social environment. As such, parents is suggested to teach their children to know more about how important to have good attitude in social life. However, others argue that this is responsibility of school to lead children to develop their well habit. Therefore, I believe that both have equally role to build character children. Home is domain for parents to control the children whilst teacher at school can education pupils during school time.

Hope it helpful.
IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Benefits of Information Technology for Working Outshine Its Disadvantages [3]

Frankly, information technology brings convenience to human, especially in their working life. It is argueably that information technology make people feel more convenient to do their job everywhere outside their workplace like at home and when travelling since the internet connects people and provides a limitless communication. Above all, the features are the most valueable aspect of information technology. Sadly, poor quality of video and lack of face to face meeting may become the negative point of it, although I think that these still cannot outshine the benefits.

I think your introduction need to rewrite. Please, pay attention to your question and make introduction which is striking point. Let me give an example:

Information technology improves people's activities in all parts of the world. In most cases, this leads plenty of individuals to finish their works in workplace from their home or while travelling. As such, I personally believe that advanced technology ensures some people to be more flexible and enjoyable working although being unhealthy lifestyle is considerable challenge for lots of persons.

Hope it helpful.

IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Seeking perfect work for one or different communities [3]

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work different organisations.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Working is a vital aspect to support people needs. As such, some people prepare to do jobs with their own colleagues in the same organization in lifetime so that they can know with each other characters. Having said that, for others, this is greater to work in different people from many organizations since they can develop new relationship to plenty of people. Meanwhile, as far as I am concerned, people can feel enjoyable working is the main reason why they are very fond of working in the same community, whilst having new close relation is benefit of work in different people.

Broadly speaking, workers tend to think that having the same friends in working is going to obtain more enjoyable. To illustrate, when you work in one company only in long run, you can be easy to ask helping from others for your problem suddenly. Not only this, you also have no doubt to communicate with your partners of work because you know them well. As a result, doing job with partners of one organization ensures people to survive in their career.

On the other hand, laborers have many relations if they work in different communities. For instance, in different companies you can meet many people from some backgrounds and places. From this, you can develop new close relationship to make you easily to adapt in doing your work. As a consequence, Having experiences of work in some organizations leads you to improve your wider horizons and relations for life.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that both situations of working have the same merits. Therefore, I strongly suggest that all of this depends on people's characters to choose which one is better based on their life needs.
IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Wealthier modern artist than others lead government to solve the gap of both [3]

Some modern artists receive sums of money for the things they center, while others struggle to survive. Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Life is sometimes unfair. On the whole, the majority of individuals who have career in art industry are likely easily to charge the amount of money from whatever they produce. However, this is completely different from others have to pain to earn. As such, government is suggested to carry out measurement to overcome this case as what the main function of them is makes balanced welfare for all of people. Meanwhile, I personally have a tendency that this is hard for government to restrict artist's creativity since it is right for whoever can explore and show up their sense or ability of art.

First of all, government has no moral right to protect creativity of individuals. Clearly, every person lives on the liberty to explore artistic ability. A significant study revealed that the principal reason why the most artists could reach in gigantic financial matter is since they have hard work and spend much hour at their work. Consequently, there are different amount of income with others who have different occupation with low salary.

Furthermore, creativity is highly gifted to reach high income. Take Leonardo da vinci, pointed legendary masterpiece portrait "Monalisa" as an example, he took more than two billion dollars for selling his great painting though he had to finish his product more than a year. As a result, there is no doubt that artistic skill is right job of art to obtain the worth appreciate from their creation like money or popularity.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that though government probably to tackle this problem, as far as I am concerned, the large income which artists obtain is result from their own effort and loyalty of their job of art so as to there is no reason for government to involve in this circle.
IqbalThemi   
May 29, 2015
Writing Feedback / Staying or Moving? A viable solution to escape from boredoms and low productivity. [2]

New experience requires new atmosphere. As such, some people argue that it is better to move to a new company so asfor plenty of people to work in others of different communities to gain more experiences. Besides, this trend is noticeable as a viable solution to escape from boredomsto relieve boredoms for improving productivity.and then to start working more productive. However, others believe [that work for the same organisation is more enjoyable as they find that it already feels comfortable working for the company].->I see that you appear going around in the circle here, you perhaps can read more this sentence. Let me give the striking sentence:that work for the same organisation offers a convenient job for some persons. However I would argue that both are great solution[,]to enable people to obtain high income so which one is better is that it depends on individuals.

Note: I think that you have to be more careful to your collocation such as:
to escape from boredoms : to relieve boredoms
IqbalThemi   
May 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information about changes in the developement of the Stokeford village during 80 years (1930-2010) [2]

The two maps provide information regarding the noticeable change of the village in Stokeford between 1930 and 2010. Overall, what stands out from the maps describes that some new residence areas have been built in 2010. Meanwhile, in a particular location some building experienced renovation and footpath accesses have also been added.

According to maps, clearly, we can see that the village of Stokeford saw a profound transform in 2010. First, in a wide farm area in the village has developed many houses. In addition, there added some highway connecting house with each other houses, and then retirement home in apposite of east in the maps has also altered in 2010 such as garden was destroyed and retirement home replaced large house with decreasing a wide area of garden.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from the maps reveals that a change considerably also happened in public building. In 1930 there was one school building only but it has expanded in 2010. However, two buildings for shopping were demolished in 2010.




IqbalThemi   
May 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Globalization will lead to culture identity loss, do you agree? [3]

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon know as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Mass media and transportation todays experience a dramatic increase. What this happens is a phenomenon leading people to live in globalization era. For some individuals, this change is considered as awful tragedy which will break culture identity of people. Therefore, I would argue that although globalization era enables to lose some originally culture, to respect to this for moral reason is key factor to preserve the culture.

With regard to the globalization changes, individuals now live on modern technology in which influences strongly their life. Take mass media and transportation as an example, virtually all of media contents persuade people with new information or knowledge like how important dance culture in family party. Not only this, advanced transportation also make people easily to travel to somewhere and of course, this can distract their culture identity after they have wider horizon of different cultures. Consequently, what people do nowadays with influencing massive media will make culture identity to be blur.

However, others said that people had to respect with their own culture to prevent globalization impacts. According to some experience in my country, government makes regulation which appoints culture as one of important subject in school. As a result, people since they was still child, they have studied how significant preserve own culture and can be moderate to behave with new culture; globalization.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that though globalization effects influence native culture, I strongly disagree with the argument saying globalization interrupt identity of culture as there are always ways to preserve local culture such as education student at school about their own culture.
IqbalThemi   
May 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Enjoyable Job vs Good Salary - it's crutial that a work suit someone's passion [3]

Broadly speaking, your essay is good. However, I have a few comment. First of all, I think you need to rewrite your introduction.

An occupation may serve different meanings and purposes to different people. Some people believe that an excessive salary is the sole reason to apply for a job, while others point out that their happiness at the workplace is far more important than that. Despite these two perspectives, I am convinced that anyone can spend longer time at his current job as long as he is passionate about it.

I suggest you that if you meet task 2 leading you to discuss both views, it is better for you to mention two perspectives directly that you would like to explain in body paragraph.
IqbalThemi   
May 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / International tourist arrivals around parts of the world [4]

The graph provides information regarding the number of international tourist arrivals around parts of the world throughout the whole periods in question. Overall, the most striking point from the graph is North America and Central and Eastern Europe as the majority of international visitors over the timeframe. Whereas, the figure of South-East Asia's foreigner travelers doubled an increase, another did not experience a significant change as the whole of the period in the graph.

According to graph, North America started as the highest number of people visiting amongst others. Their number stood at over 70 million visitors in 1990, and then experienced a gradual fall by approximately 3 million travelers, after the trend peaked at 90 million individuals travelling in their countries in 2000. Following this, there was a dramatic rise in the figure of Central and Eastern Europe over the period in the question from 30 million in the first year to at just under 90 million tourists at the end of the period.

Moving to a more detailed analysis form the chart reveals that Sub-Saharan Africa and South America had a similar point of foreigner visitors. Between 1990 and 2000, their figure had virtually pattern, but in 2005 for Sub-Saharan Africa, they had number travelers more than South America's figure at around 22 and 18 million visitors respectively. However, South-East Asia could be considered as the figure who witnessed a significant growth from juts 20 million to nearly 50 million foreigners visiting in the last year in the question.




IqbalThemi   
May 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / U.S. MAILING SERVICES HISTORIC COMPARISON [3]

I think you need to rewrite your topic sentences... Let's me try.

The line chart reveals how to send the parcels by Federal Express and TNT Mail Service from 1920 to 2000 and is measured by the number. Clearly,What stands out from the chart shows that while there was a fluctuation in the percentage of parcel delivered by FedEx, TNT experienced a gradual increase over the year.

the most striking point is that there was a dramatic upward trend in the figure of TNT's parcels throughout the whole periods in the question. Whreas, the number of FedEx's parcels witnessed a gradual fall after their trend peaked in the third year in chart.
IqbalThemi   
May 26, 2015
Undergraduate / One thing I learned from our band - Dont be ugly Wallpaper - C. Gottesman 2015 [3]

Mr. Gottesman bellows as we all recoil jokingly, knowing that it was but one of the many archaic metaphors he used to explain proper musicianship. As such, I belong to a very unique community that includes revolutionaries such as Louis Armstrong and Duke Ellington.
"Don't be ugly wallpaper!" Mr. Gottesman bellows,In addition, Mr. Gottesmann also said that one of the common phrases used to express dynamics and color. Don't beDo not be afraid to the question status quo, splash color and life into everything you do. Whether it'sit is blowing a horn or brushing your teeth, you will never catch me plastered on the wall of some tacky two star hotel.

What you write actually is good but it is better for you to make more sentences so we, reader, can correct more and suggest you more how to write good essay. Generally, writers usually make introduction in beginning their essay, then topic sentence, supporting sentence, making possible example and conclusion at the end of essay so that you have essay with good structures and this can lead readers to understand easily what you mean in your essay. I wait you for your new essay then we can learn writing together. Keep Studying dude...
IqbalThemi   
May 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / Getting into dept by buying goods which do not needed [2]

Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behavior? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

Nowadays, more and more people loan money from banks to buy many goods which they interest although the goods are not really needed or have a significant value in their life. Therefore, I would argue that following lifestyle trend is one of key factors which encourage people to buy any companies' products regularly. However, a strict regulation from government to prevent advertisement of companies' goods which truly hypnotize people to buy any product is viable solution this problem.

With regard to the following lifestyle trend, people often tend to show up how many goods they have and how expensive they are. Result shows that 70% of people in some developed countries feel being as new richer man or woman if they can buy the most luxury goods. As a result, for filling lifestyle demands, many people are really keen on getting into debt from the banks.

As such, government has a significant role to solve the problem of people who like overbuying things with loaning money from the banks. To illustrate, formulating a strict rule about advertisement attitudes of companies is obvious solution. This can restrict activities of companies in promoting their products that tend to manipulate many consumers. Consequently, people have bad habit such as hunting money with dept for buying the product in advertisement though it is not needed for them.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that a serious effort of government in implementing the regulation can arouse awareness of people to change their habit.
IqbalThemi   
May 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Changes In The World Population Between 1900 and 2000 [9]

First of all, in 1900 the population of Europe including Russia was [...]
[...] and Others that stayed at 5% and 3% respectively.

(I think you make bulky body paragraph here. This is better if you organize to be two body paragraphs so as to we, reader, can understand easily what features are in your essay).
IqbalThemi   
May 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELST TASK 2 : living in small community creates a wide range communication [3]

I think you need to rewrite your introduction.

Please, attention to your task. it is better for you to mention what the advantages and disadvantages are like the task want.


These days, some people live in big cities where they have just a little communication with others, whilst in the past, people who lived in the small villages communicated with every person in their area. Therefore, I would argue that the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks.

Let's me try,
In the past, most people lived in small villages where everyone knew everyone else. Nowadays, most people live in large cities where they only know a few people in their area.

Living communities play an important role in people's live. For this reason, people in the past are really keen on living in the small pretty villages which make them to know each others. However, many people today prefer to live in the large industrial cities with limited neighborhood around their environment. I strongly believe that the chance to take much more money and to find great schools for children are key factors which encourage people to move to cities, whilst less opportunity in work and unhealthy crowded environment will be drawbacks for them.
IqbalThemi   
May 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The percentage of teacher recruitments in Ontario [2]

The line graph gives information regarding the percentage of teacher recruitments for teaching in two different languages in Ontario from 2001 to 2007. Overall, what stands out from the line graph describes the proportion of French teachers experiencing a gradual increase compared with the recruitments of English teachers' over the timeframe.

With regard to this trend, in 2001, the percentage of people in job recruited as English teachers stood at approximately 73%, it was 3% higher than French teachers. Then, both figures saw a significant fall of remaining pattern at around 58% and 52% respectively in the next year, whilst the percentage of French teachers' recruitment rebounded at about 67% in 2003 to reach a short peak at 70% over the next two years.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from the line graph reveals that People recruited as English teachers had the percentage at 70% in the first year, and then over the next two years, the figure of English teachers fell significantly by more than 30%. However, the total of English language teachers witnessed a sharp drop in the end of period at under 30%, after it remained at interval rates by 40% of people who teach English language from 2003 to 2005.
IqbalThemi   
May 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The stages of a wind turbine works and the output resulted [NEW]

The two diagrams give information regarding how a wind turbine is adjusted in different locations. Overall, what stands out from the diagram describes how a wind turbine works and the output which is resulted is in some areas.

In the first stage of the turbine, it starts when a wind come across turbine. Automatically, wind sensor operates speed and direction of turbine by using generator to turn blades fiberglass at the same time which can produce output 1.5 megawatts. Meanwhile, computer around locations is connected to blades for setting direction and angle of turbine.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from the diagram reveals that a wind turbine is putted in three different locations. Firstly, in high landmark, it is better as turbine can get maximum wind strengths. Then, another location is in the sea. Although this may result less output, this does not spoil landscape. Surprisingly, if turbine is around accommodation, it just can produce output 100 kilowatts.




IqbalThemi   
May 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Changing children's unhealthy lifestyle by parents', schools' and government's active role [NEW]

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?


A healthy lifestyle is an essential aspect in human life. For this reason, many children today have unhealthy lifestyle as they spend much time regularly to play online games or to watch movie. As such, some people say that schools and parents have to be responsible to solve this problem. Whilst it is true to some reasonable, I strongly argue that this needs an active role from government and health authorities to raise the awareness of children in changing their lifestyle.

With regard to an unhealthy lifestyle of children, lots of people encourage that schools and parents must contribute to maintain children's healthy style. For example, parents should restrict playing times for their children like just allowing the children to play games in holiday times and also can be selective in providing variety of foods at home, whereas schools can make one particular subject in their studies which socialize how important healthy style for human life. As a result, children can change their way of life after they have new knowledge about perfect lifestyle.

However, government and health authorities play more significant role to measure this problem. To illustrate, they make a strict regulation to protect companies' products which can lead children to have poor quality of health. Meanwhile, a massive campaign of perfect lifestyle can become health stakeholders' duties. As a consequence, children will be aware that having perfect health and changing behavior are an important action.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although responsibility of schools and parents is needed to solve the problem of children's unhealthy style, government's action to tackle the problem is more effective. Undoubtedly, I believe that good cooperation among schools, parents and government is a vital aspect to solve this problem.
IqbalThemi   
May 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The people who are staying in a small community often live and communicate like among a large family [2]

Hi asep, I think your introduction need to rework.

Please, attention to the question. it is better for your to mention what are the advantages and disadvantages, if the task about these.

Let's me try:
In the past, most people lived in small villages where everyone knew everyone else. Nowadays, most people live in large cities where they only know a few people in their area. What do you think were the advantages and disadvantages of living in a small community?

Community living means that people know each others like people in the past live in small village. Today, lots of people prefer living in large industrial cities which make them know limited people around their environment. For this reason, I strongly believe that the chance to take much more money and to find high-quality of education for children are vital factors which encourage people to move to cities, whilst less opportunity in work and unhealthy crowded environment are drawbacks for them.