Writing Feedback / The chart shows information about educational stage of Bulgarian who wanted study to overseas [2]

Hi BadaFebriani,
Kindly find my remarks below in order to significantly improve your writing skill, especially in writing an IELTS task 1 essay.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart shows the information about educational stagesystem/level of Bulgarian who wanted study toto study in overseas in three different periods of time(2002, 2006, and 2008).(I am not sure whether the information in the bracket should be placed there or not. I rarely see IELTS sample essays using that bracket)

- The educational stageslevels/systemswere consist fromconsist of primary untilup to higher education. (This is a permanent fact of Bulgarian educational system/level and therefore, it has to be in present tense form)

Overall, there was an upward trend of the percentage of primary and lower education. The highest number came from secondary education.

Last paragraph:
- To sum up, primary and pre school education experienced upward trend dramatically, but the highest number of educational stage was secondary education.
These two information have the same purpose. An IELTS task 1 essay needs to have only ONE of them in either the first or last paragraph. If you decide it to write in the last paragraph, DO NOT write it in the introduction paragraph. If you decide the opposite, DO NOT write it AGAIN in the last paragraph. It would be redundant and the examiner will face a difficulty to decide whether the overview that you have presented are appropriate or not. If you want to reach band 6 or above, an appropriate/proper overview is needed.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / How many educated Bulgarians leave their country - the chart [2]

Hi Septia,
Please take a closer look at my contribution below. I hope this would be helpful for your future improvements.

1st paragraph:
- ... the percentage of Bulgarian society(Bulgarian is already a citizen, society, group of people) who wanted to live abroad based on thetheir educational background,...

- Overall, it is noticeable that / it can be seen that the number of secondary...
("addressing" the overview by using appropriate cohesive device is necessary to enhance your band score)
- You are suggested to write one more sentence, your introduction lack of important information from the bar chart itself. Only stating the highest would not be adequate.

2nd paragraph:
- ... of secondary education reacheditsa peak at approximately 65%.
- ... higher and primary education stood at("stood at" should be in the first sentence)17% and 18% respectively.
- Furthermore, there was an increased slightlya slight increase in both educational background ofat20% and 19% respectively.(look at these two sentences. It looks repetitive right? especially in the last part of the sentence. If you want to reach band 6 or above, I suggest you to not doing this anymore)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Bulgarians who wanted to live in another country [3]

Hi Annisa,
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through and gain some improvements later on.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart gives the information about how many people wantedwho want to goleave and makelive a brand new life atin other countries in 2002, 2006, and 2008three different years according to their level of education.

- Overall, it can be seen that people who gotwere graduated from junior high school degreeishad the highest percentage fromamong other education levels. planning to leave Bulgaria(this information is redundant. it is better to remove this part.)

You need to bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / People's life satisfication and two different types of factor that make them happiest [2]

Hi Septia,
Here's my analysis of your report summary of IELTS task 1.

1st paragraph:
- The graphsbar charts reveal the information about people's life satisficationsatisfaction and two different types of factortwo main factors that make thempeoplehappiesthappy that are compared by different age groups.

- Overall, the line graphthe bar chartshows clearlyclearly shows that there is a slight (...) and female in the early age.(what early age? it can become ambiguous. Did you mean "early age of people" or "early age of the year"? I think it is better to write in their early ages. ("their" refers to male and female))

2nd paragraph:
- The line chartfirst/second bar chart(I am curious, where is the line graph/chart that you are talking about here? The picture can only show the thumbnail. It can't be clicked. I have no idea why) shows that the ratio of life satisficationsatisfaction for male stood at 5.5 and female ...

- Although it decreased gradually to 5.0 for adults aged 41 - 50, it started increasing significantly at 5.6 in the elderly age.

Different from the essay that I have previously corrected, this essay has major inaccuracies in choosing the appropriate tenses. This essay has NO YEAR/TIME TABLE/TIME LINE that indicates it should be written in the past and therefore, using present tense/present perfect is the most appropriate. Be careful in deciding the proper tenses for an essay, it might damage the whole essay.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Causes that farming land couldn't produce effectively and effect of it in three countries in 1990 [2]

Hi Mardian,
Here's my contribution towards your essay, particularly in IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The pie chart provides the information about causes farming land cannot produce effectivelyless productive farming land and the table shows the effect fromofunproductive(be careful in choosing the appropriate word. It might cause over-generalization and therefore, you can't reach band 6 or above. Mind the difference between unproductive and less-productive) land in three different countries in 1990.

- Overall, it can be seen that over-grazing iswas the most significant reason for land degradation and Europe iswas a country which hashad the highest damage on cultivation landland cultivation.

2nd paragraph:
Over-gazling isOver-grazing was the highest percentage reason for land cannot be used maximallythat caused less productive landwithat approximately 35 percent.
- In other sidesOn the other side , deforestation iswas number two at 30 percent, where over-cultivation only 28 percent.

Overall, I can see that your essay has major errors in choosing the appropriate tenses for this type of essay. You can determine this by looking at the year. If it is 1990s, why did you use past tense? It might ruin the whole essay and therefore, you cannot reach band 6 or above.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The most attraction places to visit by different people living in Australia [3]

Hi Amril,

Let me just rephrase your introduction to make it look stylistically better.

A breakdown of the information about the locations visited by three different groups of people who live in Australia is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in percent. Overall, the most significant fact to emerge is that Cinema becomes the most attractive place to visit whereas Theatre turns out to have the least percentage among three other attractions.

It depends on the data itself. I am not really sure that it is necessary to write all the data in the introduction. This can make the introduction becomes bulky and too-informative. Your summarizing skill is being tested here. You can just see the prompt if you are not really sure about what you are going to do. I hope this instruction would remind you "Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant".

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Owning an enterprise or becoming an employer: CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 | UNIT 6 PAGE 64 [2]

Hi Faiz,

I am not sure at all people in this forum has the book that you've written on your title in this thread. Thus, I would advise you to write the clear prompt or the question of IELTS writing task 2 for the next post.

When reading the last sentence of the first paragraph, I assume that this is an "outweigh the disadvantages/advantages" essay. Then, I would like to say that this paragraph is unclear. You clearly stated that "it will bring many advantages than drawbacks", but what are those? at least just mention the keywords/key phrase in a single sentence about what advantages that you are talking about before writing the body paragraph. Remember, "a clear overall progression" is one of the criteria in coherence and cohesion part if you want to reach band 6 or above.

Task 2 in IELTS would be time-consuming if you cannot manage your time well. I reckon that writing more than 4 paragraphs in this essay would bring detrimental effect towards your time management. You need to remember that you still have task 1. My suggestion is that you can just write the disadvantages in the first body paragraph, and simply write the advantages in the second body paragraph.

Hope this helps Faiz :)

Writing Feedback / How the electricity can be produced by wind turbine and where is the best location to put it [3]

1st paragraph:
- ... produced by wind turbine and where is the best location to put itvarious locations that are possible to be the place of the wind turbine.

- Overall, it is noticeable that the most powerful electricity can be producedgenerated(avoid repetitive words) when it is located in the thebelow sea levels .

- The stronger wind blows, the higher electricity can be produced.(It is indeed that this is true, but is this an opinion? because for me, it seems like an opinion. Thus, it would not be appropriate for task 1 essay)

2nd paragraph:
- ... steel tower, blades which isare made byfrom fibre glass or wood...
- ... comes from all directions through the turbine.
- LastlyAs a result , the electricity output which can be produced by the generator is aroundat approximately 1,5 megawatts.

Overall, despite the flaws, I think the body paragraphs have already conveyed an adequate explanation related to the pictures. Yet, some confusions related to whether to use passive or active are still become the major problem.

Hope this helps Anisa :)

Writing Feedback / There are other alternative ways to understand the culture faster, than learning language [2]

Javu, welcome to EF :)

Before rushing to my feedback, I would suggest that you need to give at least a single space / one enter for each paragraph. This can ease the reader to read and check the whole essay completely. Then, you also need to write the task prompt. I have no idea what your task prompt is. Different prompt/question has different way to answer. I think that you have already learned in the book about this. Anyway, let me just focus on your grammatical range and accuracy instead of the content because you didn't write any questions/prompts in this thread.

1st paragraph:
- In global world, some people are engaged with otherthe culture ofathe other countriescountry .
- Therefore, to understand that tradition, they assume unless they speak the language ...(Confusing structure. Even, I have no idea what this sentence even mean)

My suggestion is that, try to compose simple sentences perfectly first before coming to more complicated sentences. This could only leads to an essay with unclear focus and confusing structure. Besides, I have no idea about the prompt either. This makes me unable to give you a better insights on how to create an essay with such a prompt. According to IELTS writing band descriptors, if your errors dominate the whole essay, you can only reach 4 in grammatical range and accuracy part. This is what the criteria of band 4 in terms of grammatical range and accuracy looks like "some structures are accurate but errors predominate, and punctuation is often faulty" . Keep practicing, you need lots of practices to improve your writing skill. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / On pictures the information about producing electricity from wind and where locate such investment [4]

Hi Pramudiana,

Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 1 essay.
1st paragraph:
- I assume that you've decided to use wrong tenses for this paragraph. The pictures clearly show what the turbine can do and its parts. If you use simple future form "will", I think it wasn't appropriate. This is related to the facts/general truth. I reckon that present tense is the most appropriate tenses that you can possibly use for this type of question/picture.

2nd paragraph:
- I appreciate the usage of passive voices in this paragraph. Most of them are okay. Yet, you still use several simple future tense which I think it wasn't appropriate.

3rd paragraph:
- You should be able to switch the usage of active and passive voice. It depends on the meaning itself. Try to refers back to your own language before writing this in English. What would it be? It seems quite odd isn't it? Let me give you an example that I took from this paragraph:

- The turbine that is placed on top of the hill can be producedgenerate/produce higher result than domestic turbine. (see? passive voice is okay, but when active is necessary, use that without any doubts.)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The figures inform on the design/location of a machine that can produce electricity from wind power [2]

Hi Ivan,
Here's my contributions towards your report summary of IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The figures inform the design forof a machine that canproducegenerates electricity from wind power and the appropriaterecommended locationsto be placedfor maximum electricity output .

- Overall, it can be seen that placing the turbine in the seabelow the sea levelmaydoes not destroybadly damagethe pleasure of the landscape. (stop, new sentence)

- However, the turbine that is placed on top of the hill producesreceives maximum electricitywind strength.

I would like to suggest you that you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Hopefully, the above-mentioned feedback can help you in the next practice. :)

Letters / I hope you are always in good condition. UNIPDU FT_D - Letter To ms.Inna [4]

Hi Yanti,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that most of your friends who are working on this type of letter experience the same structural problems. Therefore, I would like to help you composing a better draft. Hopefully, you can learn something by reading my alternative version below.

Jombang, October 27th, 2016

Dear Nur Inayatul Wafia,
Assalamu'alaikum Wr. Wb.

Hi Inna! How are you? I hope you are always in a good condition. Is there any problems or what? I did not hear any news from you for quite a long time.

I miss you so much. Even, many small children at my home also miss you a lot. Did you remember my house that we used to play? I just want to inform you that I have moved into a new house. My new house faces the highway, so my house is never quiet. Perhaps, it is the ideal place for relaxing if we have a lot of activities. I am currently waiting for your arrival Inna. Thank you for reading my email.

Wassalamu'alaikum Wr. Wb.

Your Friend,
Miftachurrizqi Yanti

Honestly, I am a little bit confused when reading your letter when you say that your house is never empty and it becomes the ideal place for relaxing? how come? it seems illogical I think. Try to think about new ideas. Normally, people would say that if their house is noisy, they can't rest/relax there. They need a quite place to relax. What do you think?

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / A slight increase in the recruitment of French language teachers in Ontario between 2001 and 2007 [3]

Hi Anna,

I can notice that your writing is getting better. Yet, some rooms for improvements still persists. I hope the detailed descriptions about your errors and corrections would help you.

1st paragraph:
- ... who recruited new English teachers and new French teachers based on year graduationtheir graduation years in Ontario from 2001 to 2007.
- Overall, it is noticeable that/it can be seen that,(addressing the overview is essential) there was a slight increase ...
- Meanwhile, English teachers gotexperienced/saw/witnessed a downward trend in generallygeneral .
- Eventually, the r ecruitment of French educators is larger than English teachersduringin the end of the period.

2nd paragraph:
- Based on graph,(Mentioning "based on..." would be redundant.
... information given MUST be based on the line graph)To begin with, the number of French language teachers recruitment that graduated in 2001 stood at roughly/approximately/nearly 70 percent of recruiting.(I gave you some alternative word replacements)

- .... fell to around 50a half . (If you intend to mention percentage without mentioning "percent/percent symbol", you can just do like what I've done. Read the book again for the complete variations of percent)

There you have it Anna, good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The percentage of new graduates finding job in Ontario - Line Chart [2]

Hi Ilham,

Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1.

1st paragraph:
- The line chartgraphgivesreveals/depicts/illustrates("gives" is okay, but the word level is too low. My alternative words would increase your band score in lexical resource part) the percentage of (...) English and French each year from 2001 to 2007 in Ontario .

- Overall, it can be seen that the proportion of French teachers were more hiredhigherin Ontario than were English teachers. (stop here, new sentence)

- However,althoughthe percentage of English teachers in 2001 were more than other languagesurpassed French teachers at the samein the end of the period. (be careful, mentioning a specific data (year) in the overview paragraph would not increase your band score to 6 or above)

Your last paragraph is okay, but your second paragraph experience a problem with sentence structure. You need to remember that you need to write at least 3 sentences for each paragraph of your essay. The idea is to have you deliver a complete understanding of the graph you are given. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, the examiner would not consider it as acceptable and therefore, your band score cannot reach 6 or above. I hope you can learn something and create a better essay in the next practice. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / There was a gradual downward trend in the percentage of English teachers in Ontario [2]

Hi Mardian,

Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope this would be helpful.

... about the percentage of english and frenchEnglish and French first-year teachers from 2001 to 2007...
... trend in the percentage of englishEnglish teachers, but the number of frenchFrench teachers increased slightly.
And thenThen, the percentage of french teachers dominatesFrench teachers (...) dominated the trendover a six-yearin the end of the period.

As you can see, your essay suffered from punctuation and capitalization problems. It might look simple but punctuation and capitalization also one of the essential criteria in IELTS band descriptors from IELTS.org. I hope you can learn from your mistake and compose a better essay next time. Good luck :)

Letters / My house is bigger than before after the renovation. UNIPDU FTD- LETTERS TO ENI [2]

I assume that this letter needs major revision, especially with the letter format, grammar, and punctuations. Therefore, I would like to rewrite and rephrase some of the sentences in this letter. I hope you can learn something by paying a close attention to this revision.

Jombang, 20 October 2016
To:
Eni Dwi
JL.Manggis,
Mojowarno JOMBANG

Assalamualaikum Wr.Wb

Dear My Friend Eni Dwi,

Hello Eni! How are you? I hope you are okay. It has been long time since the last we met each other. I do really miss you. In this letter, I am going to tell you about my new house. My house is bigger than before after the renovation. I can plant various kinds of fruit and vegetables in my garden. Part of my terrace become wider and I put a chair there to relax. The living room is now really neat and it has TV to make me comfortable watching with my entire family. The wall in my room has been permanently painted in order to look cleaner. You know what? I also have a kitchen set for cooking. Actually, I still have some many things that I want to tell you. I hope you can read this letter and reply it soon. If you have spare time, I really hope that you can visit my house. I am waiting for your response and please tell me about your place.

Wassalamualaikum Wr.Wb

Your Friend,
Fera Firina

Writing Feedback / Celebrities? I believe that the most essential in media is reporting about government in a country. [6]

Hi Wily,

Here's my analysis towards your writing. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Nowadays, technology developSfor all ofin all aspects, especially media.
- All of kind of media isare mostly used for entertainmententertaining and sharingshare information.
- Now, media is more likely to show the newspresenting about celebrities' lifestyle than anyother important news .
- Besides thatHowever , media must give more ...
- ... believe that the most essential role of the media is to deliver accurate news related to the local and ordinary or perhaps inspiring people in the country.is media which should report about government in the country.

As I can see Wily, your sentences somehow are quite confusing. My suggestion is that you need to double-check your sentences in order to make sure that you were composing the right structure. I hope this would be helpful towards your future practices. Good luck :)

Letters / UNIPDU FT D-Letters to Mifta; I have moved into a new house [2]

Hi Uvi, Welcome to EssayForum :)

Due to lots of grammatical issues that need to be addressed, I reckon that it is better to rework your letter. I hope this would be a helpful feedback.

Jombang, 26 October 2016

Mifta (Complete Name)
Ploso Geneng, Jombang

Dear my Best Friend Mifta,

Hello Mifta! How are you? I hope you are okay. You know what? Recently, I have moved into a new house. It is located in Sumbersari, Megaluh, Jombang. I want to tell you about my new house.

Actually, this is not my own house, but it is one of the official residences. This is because my father works at SDN Sumbersari Megaluh Jombang. My house consists of living room, bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen. My favourite room is my bedroom. I often spend a lot of time by watching TV, studying, playing game, and sleeping. My house is located in a clean and beautiful neighbourhood. Also, it is quite shady because there are many trees in around my house and my neighbourhood. This condition makes me feel fresh all day. I am really happy because my neighbours are so kind and friendly.

"Picture of my House.JPG"

That is a picture of my house. Even though it is a temporary house, I feel comfortable here. If you have time, do not forget to visit my house. I miss you my friend.

Yours Sincerely,
Uvi

Writing Feedback / English-language teachers and French-language school teachers in Ontario [5]

Hi Wily,
Here's my analysis towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
The line graph gives the information about the percentage of people who teach other people after graduated as habitual lecturing occupationsthe selection of teachers in Ontario between 2001 and 2007.

- ... the percentage of English-language school teachers in Ontario wasexperienced a downward trend and the percentage ofwhile French-language educators was a slight increaseslightly increased.Both figures then fluctuated ...

2nd paragraph:
- (to avoid repetition)BetweenFrom 2001 andto 2002, there was a gradual decrease in the percentageproportion of both English-language teachers and French-language schoolteachersEnglish and French teachers from above...

- For the next yearIn the following year, in 2003 , people who teach English-language was a sudden fallwere experienced a dramatic fall to approximately 40 percent but forpeople who teach French-language teachers' percentage rose dramaticallysharplyby underat nearly 70%percent . (sometimes, using symbol is okay for the sake of variations)

As you can see Wily, there are several remarks that you need to be considered in order to improve your writing skill later on. Good luck for the next practice :)

Scholarship / Working as environmental researcher at nature conservation sector. Career plan Chevening scholarship [5]

Hi Mostafa,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

Before rushing to my feedback, my suggestion is that you can give at least one space / one enter for each paragraph. This would ease us in reading and checking your essay. Next, I would like to give several inputs related to the development of your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- My immediate plan upon completioncompletingof the Chevening awardmy study and returning to Egypt is that I have a tendency to continuegoing to continue my work as an environmental researcher at nature conservation sector, Egyptian environmental affair agency. (stop here, new sentence)

- In this place,where I willam going to put all my new abilities to... (don't you realize that this is a sentence and not even close to a paragraph? Please avoid making long-but-inaccurate-and-ineffective sentence like this. You can just write 2 or 3 clauses per sentence.)

2nd paragraph:
- ... that the experience that I willam going to definitely gain from my postgraduatemaster's degree in the UK (...) my analysis. andIn addition, it is also possible for me to discover new nano-structured materials in detecting environmental pollution detection , monitoring, and remediation. (another long-and-complicated sentence)

- Hence, the Chevening award is keeping me away from my peers as a highly energetic man... (I am quite confused about what you mean in this sentence)

Another general suggestions for the betterment of this essay is that:
- Avoid using contractions like i'm, can't, or many more. This can make the essay less-formal.
- Write a paragraph that consists of at least 3 sentences. Your words count are still far away from the maximum. You can still add approximately 150 words.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Improving public health by providing affordable medicine as well as hospital for everyone [2]

Hi Amril,
Let me just rushing to my feedback. Hope this helps :)

1st paragraph:
- Improving public health by risingraising the sum of sport facilities is generally believed by manysome people (Some and many are different. Avoid over-generalizing)(comma is unnecessary if the connector is between two clauses (except contrast connectors)) while others assume it does not havegive significant effectimpact on public health and therefore, needs other solutions.

- ... one's health. (using semicolon is okay, but it is not suggested. It is suggested to be separated into a new sentence)However, I firmly believe with another solution, such asthat by building more hospitals, it can help people with low financial condition to increase their health condition and make healthcare facilities affordable for them in order to improve public health.which can be afford by the poor would play important role in increasing public health.

Apart from the above-mentioned feedback and after reading the whole essay, I reckon that your discussion wasn't about both views. It is indeed you were talking about sport facilities, but you've forgotten the keywords for this topic i.e. "increasing the sport facilities". In the first BODY paragraph, it is unfortunate that you have written "different" focus. You explained about the benefits of sport facilities, but not the "increasing sport facilities" part. For instance, you can just write

Increasing the number of sport facilities is the best solution to improve public health. This is because if the number of sport amenities develop, so does healthy people. For example, Jakarta has 400 kinds of fitness centers which can be used by approximately more than 5000 people. As a result, the number of healthy people is growing in line with the growth of the sport facilities itself.

Because you only addressed half part of the task, I think it is still difficult for this essay to reach 6 or above dude. Keep practicing!!

Letters / UNIPDU FT-D A letter to Wakid; I heard you are working in Tanggerang [4]

Hi Ersa,
Welcome to EF! :)

I have reworked your letter and done some alterations to help you. I hope this can be helpful towards your future practices later on. Avoid repetitiveness by using some synonyms like what I've done.

Jombang, 26 October 2016

Dear Nur Wakid
Assalamualaikum Wr. Wb

Hey Wakid, I heard you are working in Tangerang. I hope you have time to read and reply my letter. I also hope that you are healthy as well.

After graduating from my vocational high school, I decided to continue to study at UNIPDU Jombang. I still live in my parents' house. It is in a small village, so I feel comfortable with the environment. My house is not that big, but also not that small. I have a small backyard there which I usually use that place to raise my rabbits. Fortunately, there is a huge field in front of my house, so I can see spectacular scenery in the morning. I am waiting for you here to play together with me. Please tell me how the condition of your environment is. Also, send my regards to your friends in Tangerang.

Wassalamualaikum Wr.Wb

Best Wishes,
Ersa

Letters / Unipdu FT D-Letter to Deni - missing the rustic atmosphere [4]

Hi Deni,
Welcome to EF Team :)

Let me help you with this draft by reworking your letter. I hope this would be helpful.

Jombang, 27 October 2016

Dear
Deni Dwi Pujiantoro

Assalamua'alaikum Wr. Wb.

Hi mate! I would like to say thank you very much for sending me your letter. I was really happy to read it. I am very well here. How about you? I am going to visit your home soon. I cannot wait for the upcoming school holidays.

As you know, I also miss the friendly atmosphere that you mentioned in your letter. This is because I am sick of seeing many buildings and vehicles which make the environment so crowded. You know that I live in the city which is totally different from your place in the countryside. The weather here is hot and polluted because of the huge number of vehicles passing around my street.

In my place, there are no yards or backyards that can be used to play around because there is only a highway in front of my house. This makes me get used to the polluted atmosphere of vehicles. Therefore, this is the reason why I missed the rural life where there are many trees and cool weather like in your place.

Wa'alaikumsalam Wr. Wb.

Your Best Friend,
Deni Stiawan

Graduate / MSc. Electrical/Electronic Engineering with specialization in Smart Grid Science and Technology; SOP [2]

Hi Woenagnon,
Welcome to EssayForum Team! :)

We are here to help you reaching the best draft for submission purpose, especially Statement of Purpose. Thus, I would like to focus on giving my feedback towards each part of your grammatical and content issues. I hope this would be helpful.

PERSONAL/PROFESSIONAL GROWTH
- Mind the title with the sentences that you have written in this essay. Think about it, is that what you call a personal/professional growth? You did summarize all the professional growth into a single sentence. This would not make an adequate paragraph for this prompt. At least you can make a paragraph that consist of three sentences and not a single long-but-confusing sentence like this.

Let me just reworked this issue. I hope it is still a helpful feedback.

I do believe that I am destined as an engineer. Since high school, I had studied at technical school for about one and a half decade. After completing my study at this school, I had devoted myself to work as an electrical engineer in Ghana and pursued my undergraduate degree in Electronics in the Regional Maritime University for about six years. This makes me think that it is necessary to broaden in depth knowledge and enthusiasm to overcome the power outages problem inside the industry.

Therefore, I have a strong commitment to apply for MSc. Electrical/Electronic Engineering with specialization in Smart Grid Science and Technology. This is because it is going to be perfectly correlated with my life goals for the sake of my professional development as an Engineer.

(My time signals of explanation are just examples because I have no idea about yours. Change the time signal/line according to your needs)

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / How I was bullied and how I stood up to myself [2]

Hi Alex, welcome to EF Team :)

Honestly, I am confused by the whole essay that you have written. Your grammar is somehow still acceptable, but when it comes to the content, I keep asking myself "what does this writer mean? Did he bully himself? How come?" As I know, when you "get bullied ", this means other people/persons treat you badly or inappropriately. It can be in terms of mental or physical acts such as mocking, insulting, or even punching/torturing. How can a person bullies him/herself? This is the question that comes to my mind when I read your essay. Can you please clarify or re-explain about what you are talking about or perhaps tell me in a simple way possible? I hope after reading your explanation I would be able to fully understand about what you have written in this essay. Therefore, I would be able to give my feedback for the betterment of your essay later on. You can just answer my question below this message. :)

Scholarship / Chevening Essays: Leadership, networking skills, University courses and Career plan. [5]

Hi Alfredo,
Welcome to EF Team! :)

In this forum, you are allowed to post only one essay in a single thread. Posting multiple essays like this would not be appropriate. Thus, I would like to focus only on the first essay in this post. I hope you can follow through.

- First, I think that for the leadership and influence question, you have surpassed the words limit. This indicates that you cannot follow a simple instruction that is given by Chevening. Also, I think that while registering online, you cannot write more than 500 words. The system would not let you do that. Therefore, my first suggestion is to compress or summarize this essay into an appropriate words count.

- Second, sorry to say that your paragraphing is quite messy and scrambled. Some of them are quite long and some of them are really short. You can just at least give one space / one enter to indicate that the spaces between each paragraph. This would help the reader to find out the correct paragraph structure of your essay.

- Lastly, if you want to create a catchy hook, try to combine them inside the introduction paragraph. Making hook separated like what you've done will only damage the coherence and cohesion flow of your essay.

As you can see Alfredo, I have given my insights related to your essay. Let me know if you need further assistance. You can just post the revision below my feedback instead of posting it as a new thread. Good luck for that :)

Undergraduate / I'm from Long An, a province in the south of Vietnam. Help me with my hometown. Very grateful. [2]

Hi Ngocuyen,

Let me just reworked what you have written. Please take a look.

I come from Long An. It is a province in southern part of Vietnam. As far as I remember, it is located at approximately 60km away from city centre. In my hometown, people live very close together. This makes them very friendly and helpful. My hometown has a low crime rate compared with Ho Chi Minh City. Everyone in my hometown plants rice and feeds livestock. Then, they sell them for living. Also, the main reason why I really love my hometown is that it has spectacular landscape and so peaceful. Now, I live in Ho Chi Minh City for studying and working. Whenever I feel stress, I just want to come back to my hometown to refresh my mind. I have a tendency to go home after completing my undergraduate/postgraduate/doctoral degree. This is because I have a strong commitment to contribute my knowledge for the place where I was born and grown.

I did omit all the contractions and paraphrase some sentences. Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / Essay: people I might live with [4]

Eugene,

I might say that in the first paragraph you can just switch the usage of second person to third person. I assume that you are not supposed to give suggestion to anyone, especially the reader. You just need to mention the reason behind "the people I might live / I prefer to live with..". Therefore, general view of third person is needed rather than second person of "you".

Here's the example:
- If you a person have decidedhave to decide to live with someone, youhe or she must carefully think about all pros and consthe possibilities of living together.

My second suggestion might refers to the usage of contractions. You have used some contractions in which it is not appropriate for this type of task. Contractions would only make the essay becomes less-formal. Thus, you can alter them. For instance, you can just change "can't" to "cannot", and many more.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Some people now are used to work apart from their office due to the internet-based technology [2]

1st paragraph:
- Recently, it is generally known that some people now are used todo their works far away from their officeapart from their office due to the ease given by internet-based technologytechnologies such as tablet, smart phone, and laptop.

- ... it may lead to reduce the amountnumber of air pollution.
- From my point of view, these mentioned advantages should outweigh the tendency to get bored of working alone.

2nd paragraph:
- Lots of evidences of high-level congestion in common big cities (big cities are already "common". Mentioning common would be redundant)have lead people to...

- Some research conducted proven that(I prefer not to write any research if it is unclear. What kind of research? who is the researcher?)Thisthe terrible traffic jam can make the drivers and passengers suffer bad level offrom stress.

- For this reason, working inat home with sakeby the help of internet connection should...
- Once againIn addition , companies which utilize advanced technology in their daily operationsmaymight help the world to reduce the bad effect of greenhouse gasses emitted .

Hope this helps Eka :)

Writing Feedback / Electronic inventions bring a negative effect on our health. Agree or disagree? [2]

Hi Tuyet,

I think that you need to write the prompt of this essay. This would ease us in reading and checking your essay whether you have successfully answered the prompt properly or not. Aside from that, I would still want to help you in this essay by focusing on grammatical range and accuracy part. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
... and television make people motionless to do some exercisestend to live a sedentary lifestyle . soThus,it is resulted intomore sicknesses andthis makes various types of diseases are currently growing . (I have no idea why did you wrote (...) three dots in this sentence. I think that it ruined the structure of this sentence itself and the meaning is quite confusing because of this)

- However, I think it depends on the behavior of each person because ...I disagree with the statement above because I think it depends....(if you want to get a high score, stating your position clearly would do)

4th paragraph:
- In this paragraph, you are suggested to re-state your position clearly. You cannot reach band 6 or above if you write an unclear conclusion. (I assume that this is an IELTS writing task 2. If this is different type of essay, unclear conclusion still become a problem anyway)

Hope this helps :)

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [11]

Hi Aysha,

In my opinion, there are some unnecessary information that you can omit in order to fulfill the minimum words count of 500 words. However, these are just my thoughts, it is still your rights to decide which part of your essay that should be deleted.

First, I think that explaining two categories of medical students is one of the unnecessary information. Why don't you just come up with the idea that you are a type of student who determines your specialization in the very end of your university period?

Second, this paragraph "As dermatology is a fast growing field of....regions, like Chandigarh, Mumbai, Chennai, Delhi etc." contains information that has already existed in the recent news. Why bother to write it here? Omitting this paragraph would make your essay consist of approximately 566 words.

Lastly, "I believe I belonged to the second category, and didn't really have my mind set on one particular organ. My interest in Dermatology started in 5th year of medical school when I studied the Skin module in great length and learned about their associated diseases and treatments. ..... Living and working in my home country has only encouraged me to per sue my specialization." these two paragraphs can be summarized by taking the most important parts only.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - Three Problems When Move to Overseas [6]

Hi Anna,

Here's my thoughts towards your report summary. I hope this would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- ...when they move to overseas based on the group of agethree different age groups.
- Overall, it can be seen thatin the middle age, peoplepeople in the middle age group have more severe problems than the other ages.

- Pursuing education for children areis the smallest problemsproblemforamong all age groups .
- In the last two groups of ageage groups , most people get health life as hardest. finding healthcare center is the most ..... (it is hard to imagine the situation without any charts provided)

2nd paragraph:
- Based on the graphTo begin with , financial problems is slightslightly increase from young people to middle peopleage groupbyat just under/approximately 35 percent - 35 percent exactly . (mentioning "based on the graph" would be redundant. You've already mentioned it in the introduction paragraph)

- However, it the percentage fellof older people age group falls down tounderbelow 30%. in old people.

As you can see Anna, several inputs and remarks have already been delivered clearly. I hope this can be helpful towards your future practices. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Kids tend to eat what they like or do want they want to do, without considering the adverse effects [5]

Hi, the following are several inputs from me, hope you can follow it through:

- At present, the way of children lives become unhealthy.
- ... or do want they want to do without considering...
- This is responsesibility of schools and parents. For instance, many kinds of food that offer in school. You may consider the alternate version of these sentences as follows:

"School and parents have a responsibility regarding this problem. Take a look at the food that students eat or buy at school
- In the restbreak time,(a comma is needed) children will choose attarctive food, that looks appealing , which is unhealthy for them .
- As the effectConsequently,(You can use some transition signals that indicates an effect such as "consequently, therefore, and thus".) children will get have digestion problem or any diseases easily .

- It is one of school'sresponsisbilityresponsibilitiessince they have authority to prevent stall food ...
- ...so they do not need to eat or buy extraneous food at school.
- SoTherefore, for this time, parents have to...
- Some illness will follow them. such as, eyes problem as they....

Hope this help! Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The kind of trouble that society usually have after moving overseas [4]

Hi Nuraini,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

Before rushing to my feedback, I would like to suggest that you should give at least one space (one enter) for each paragraph for the next post. This can ease us in completely reading and checking your essay. Anyway, the detailed descriptions below are my feedback towards your report summary of IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- It is unfortunate that in this paragraph you over-generalized the word "ages". It can convey different meaning. You should specify it clearly by mentioning "age groups, three different age groups, three distinctive age groups, three types of age groups, or many more". IELTS candidates often make this kind of mistake and this can possibly drag your band score down in terms of Lexical Resource.

2nd paragraph:
- For young people, looking for money is the biggest problem. (where's the data?)
- A problem experienced by just 34 percent. (who did experience this problem? if you think that this is related to the previous sentence, I suggest you can just combine rather than separate it.)

- Society with age 35-54 choose(problem is something that people "face/encounter/find" not "choose". Did you choose to get some problems? No right?) money as the second problem although the percentage is bigger than young people which is 35 percent. (besides, this sentence is quite confusing. avoid creating long-and-complicated sentences if you are not really sure about the meaning/structure)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The causes and some possible solutions to overcome traffic congestion [3]

Hi Amril,

Let me sum up several things that you need to consider in order to improve your band score. I hope this would be helpful towards your writing skill development.

- You still have problems in spelling, try to reduce it or eliminate it if possible. This is one of the essential indicators to reach band 6 or above.

- Your introduction paragraph seems too bulky. Try to sum up the information by using this simple-but-effective structure that I got from IELTSadvantage.com as follows:

Introduction
Sentence 1- Paraphrase question
Sentence 2- Outline sentence (say what you will discuss in the rest of the essay)

Problem
Sentence 3- State problem
Sentence 4- Explain what problem is
Sentence 5- What is the result of this problem
Sentence 6- Example

Solution
Sentence 7- State solution
Sentence 8- Explain how solution will solve problem
Sentence 9- Example

Conclusion
Sentence 10- Summary of main points in paragraphs 2 and 3
Sentence 11- Prediction or recommendation

If you are worried this type of structure cannot possibly reach 250 words, you are definitely wrong. I had some experience in writing by using this type of structure and I could reach more than 250 words. My suggestion is that it is better to write only one problem and one solution than more than that. Writing more than one problem and one solution would be time-consuming and you won't be able to catch up the time for task 1. One problem and one solution can also be a powerful weapon to explain everything clearly.

Hope this helps mate! :)

Writing Feedback / Being abroad people become most concerned to all life problems [5]

Hi Sari,
Welcome to EF Team! :)

I would like to share my insights towards your report summary of IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart provides the information ofabout the difficulties people face when stay inliving abroad based on ages.certain age groups.
- Overall, it can be seen that the highest problemsproblemof thethat people encounter includes economic plans , healthcare and education plans for childrenhave beenis occurred on the young adults periods.age group.

- WhereasMeanwhile, the most crucial problem such as education plans have beenis the least problem to people inaged 55 years old and above.

By correcting your 1st paragraph, I think that it has already covered the whole feedback because your mistakes are quite similar. Try to proofread the rest of your essay and consider the above-mentioned feedback that I have given to you. I hope this would be helpful for your future practices :)

Book Reports / Treasure in Beowulf - Assignment-Beowulf-8-10 Pages in MLA form [2]

Hi Harriman, welcome to EssayForum :)

Before rushing to the feedback, I can see that this essay is quite long. You have written in the title that this essay consist of 8-10 pages. However, when I copy and paste this essay to Ms Word, it only consists of 5 pages. Thus, it seems pretty clear that this essay hasn't adequately fulfilled the prompt given yet. My suggestion is that you can elaborate some important details that can possibly add the number of words count. Here's the detailed descriptions of my feedback.

- ... by obtaining treasure for the himself and the Geats.
- ... his tribe to great wealth. (period. New sentence)Thus, his people honored ...

Despite minor errors above, I can see that this is a well-developed and well-written essay. You have already explained, and defined clearly what the prompt wants despite the fact that you need more elaboration, especially in some parts that are too short. For example, it can be in the form of short paragraph, or long paragraph. Also, giving at least one space for each poem is really suggested because it can minimize ambiguity and wrong perception about what the readers read.

I hope this insight can be valuable for the development of your book reports. :)

Writing Feedback / The production of energy from coal in Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and France [2]

Hi Amril, long time no see :D

Sorry for making you wait for quite a long time. It is nice to see you practicing in this forum again after quite a long break. However, I would like to directly come up with my feedback related to your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, the main fact that stands out.. (cohesive device can possibly improve your score)
- I think that this paragraph is still incomplete. You need to remember that you have to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

> The graph gives... (1st sentence)
> Overall, the main fact... (2nd sentence)
> Moreover,... (3rd sentence)(you can add more general overview in this sentence, but not too detail)

2nd paragraph:
- To begin with, Denmark and Germany...
- ...both Denmark and Germany jumped sharply to underbelow 20%
- However, there was a slight increase for Germany, in which German overtook Denmark to finish around 18%, while Denmark finished at 10%, the lowest of that year. (I am not sure that "finish" is the appropriate diction to indicate that it was the last period/last year. Why don't you just mention "in the end of the year" or something similar like that?)

3rd paragraph:
- Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

> On the other hand,... (1st sentence)
> Over the following years,... (2nd sentence)
> It leveled off... (3rd sentence)

Hope this helps mate!
Practice makes perfect! :)

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares three types of difficulties that people have when they move to a new country [3]

Hi Ilham,

Here's my contributions towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. Hope this helps :)

1st paragraph:
- The bar graphchart compares three selectedtypes of difficulties that people have when (...) in accordance with age.among three distinctive age groups.
- ...healthcare is the main problem from people aged over 35 (comma is unnecessary) while the problem (...) is the least difficultiesdifficult for all agesage groups . (avoid over-generalizing the data that you've explained.)

2nd paragraph:
- The young adults have the most crucial problem with their finances, at approximately 34% . (no spaces needed when you write a percentage symbol)
- AndIn addition,the least in finding their children the best study.the least percentage comes from people who has problem in finding schools for their children.(Avoid using "and" in the beginning of the sentence. This would make your sentence becomes less formal.)

There you have it Ilham, you are suggested maintain the content of each of your paragraph to be as balanced as possible. You can group the information equally in order to improve the clarity of your essay. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas [6]

Hi Pramudiana,

At first glance, I can notice that your essay has some issues related to fragmented sentences, grammatical accuracy, and punctuation problems. This can be avoided in the next practice by considering the feedback below. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The proportion of thevarious kind of problems that happen for citizens experience who move to overseas livewhile living in overseas based on the age group is provided bydepicted in the bar chartgraph.

- Overall, it can be seen that the secondary age peoplepeople in the middle age group are the problematical personsthe group that has the highest frequency of problems among two other age groups.

- WhileMeanwhile , all of the people tend to feel that it is easy to getfind the appropriate school for their sons and daughters.

2nd paragraph:
- Turning to a more detailed analysis,s orting out finances is the biggest problems for people in the middle age grouppeople .
- (mind the CAPITALIZATION. It might look simple but it is included as one of the essential marking criteria)Meanwhile , avoiding this problem is easier for the older people rather than young people.the elderly people tend to be easier for avoiding this problem than younger people

Cheers :)