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Posts by angga93
Name: Anggadia Shinta Wardani
Joined: Jan 28, 2016
Last Post: Oct 12, 2016
Threads: 42
Posts: 74  
Likes: 20
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Gadjah Mada

Displayed posts: 116 / page 2 of 3
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angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several companies make their business just for source of money. [4]

if they just concentrate about how can they are able to earn much more money | can = be able to

my suggestion: if they just focus on the way making bigger income

because they can fulfill their basic needs

they can go to whereverany placeswhichwhere they want to go without thinking about money.

the businessmanbusinessmen also have to think about ...
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Businessmen should consider another aspect when they want to raise the company's income [2]

The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this.
Do you agree or disagree?


Undeniably, most businesses are intended to earn money. Therefore, there is a view that business doers have to focus only on this matter. However, I absolutely disargee with that opinion because there is another aspect that have to be paid much atention as well.

Businessmen start a new company because they want to sell their idea to the public so that they can improve their standard of living by the money they earn from it. In business, plenty of money is needed to supply materials and pay salary of the workers. To maintain established company, a great deal of money also is needed to maintain and improve facilies and services so that bankruptcy can be prevented. Those are the reasons why most business only concentrate on big income, but unfortunately the way to reach this goal is usually unacceptable. I totally oppose the idea of neglecting other aspects just to earn money from a business.

One of ways to get much more money from business is reducing disposable income. In many company, a proper waste management takes a lot of money so that it reduce the income significantly. For this reason, some businessmen attempt to make this expenditure in minimal rate, by ignoring the fact that what they do can damage non-money-related aspects, which is environmental condition. The accumulated waste that is not treated properly will damages the environment severely, so that it will eventually brings drawbacks for people around them, including the business doer. Thus, ignoring the bad effects of reducing waste expenditures in order to keep some money is not a wise decision.

In conclusion, it is evident that although money is essential in a business, I totally disagree with one-dimensional focus on income. The people who involved in business also have to pay attention to the drawback that will eventually affect them if they inconsiderably reduce money for waste management.
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should money be the main purpose of business? [2]

I disagree with this statement as entrepreneurship should not aim to gain much money only,
money becomesimportant thing(a significant necessity) on human life.

There are other important things related to relationship which can be gained by businessman as they will always experience interaction with other people.

As a result, there are severalis such development which is

this can create more income alsoas well .

I suggest you to avoid thing, stuff and other unspecific words for academic writing
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The electronic media can strengthen the personal relationships between people not the reverse. [3]

The main purpose of the electronic media is to facilitate thehumans to communicate.{communication among humans}

In spite of the fact the use of electronic media give rise to some problems; however I really disagree when the electronic media is considered as one of factors which hasare bestowed a bad influence on personal affairs between people. | however here act as connector, so you should put a comma after it. the is used for specific things or one and only thing so that avoid using it too much if it does not needed

has considered being able increasingto increase

You should write at least 3 sentence for 1 complete conclusion
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cutting-edge communication technology affect people's personal relationships [2]

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Cutting-edge communication technology influences the way people interacting with each other. It is true that electronic devices bring a drawback in social relationships, but I totally disagree if this developed technology is seen as a sinister in people's personal lives.

Some people state that social connection among them is badly affected by the mass uses of electronic communication equipment, such as convenient mobile phones. Electronic media these days are easy to be used by people of all generations, from the children to the old. The most handy, sophisticated and favourite communication device, smart phone, makes people more likely to focus on their devices when they met with other people in real life. When in a meeting, for example, people who addicted to smartphones are easily distracted by the ring of it and ignore their surroundings. However, although it is evident that there is a bad effect of using electronic media for communication, I state that the use of this style of communication are absolutely beneficial.

Undoubtedly, electronic devices widen the range of people's connection with other people. As nowadays virtually every people owns an advanced communication devices, it is possible for the to keep in touch with anyone, anytime and anywhere they want. The difference of time zone and the length of distance does not matter. In addition, recently group chat becomes popular among people as it can connect people with someone who is barely known in the past. Thus, it can increase the number of relations they have.

In conclusion, it is true that there is a negative effect of electronically communication style, but it is not a great deal compared to the benefits. In my view, people should balance their virtual and real-life communication in order to avoid their prior relationships get worse.
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happiness Ratings of people in US, based on marital status [2]

The bar charts give information about the percentage of happiness ratings of people in US, based on marital and parental status. Overall, it can be seen that from all age groups, which are 18 - 29, 30 - 49, 50 - 64, 65 and over, married people are happier than their counterparts. However, the presence of children of different age also is slightly influential to the rate of happiness.

Married people are happier than unmarried ones. The biggest rate of happiness in married group is experiencedby them who aged 18 - 29 years old, which is 45% of all respondents. According to the data, older married couple are less happy than the younger, but when people reach the age of 65 years old, their rate of happiness is almost as high as young couple. Unmarried people tend to be unhappy, indicated by only around 20% of them state that they are happy. However, the oldest age group's rate is more than 10% higher than younger unmarried people.

Children also smoothly determine people's state of happines. Children who bring the most happiness in families (44%) are them who aged under 18 years old. Interestingly, parents whose children is older than 18 years old are less happy, even compared to them who have no children. The happiness ratings for those two groups are 41% and 43% respectively.




angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main principle of the businesses is to get maximum profit, Do you agree? [3]

It cannot be denied that | suggestion: It is undeniable

do not noticeconsidersome thingsanother aspect related to their business

... as the number of factories built has also rose. and as a matter of fact,Ironically, some entrepreneurs do not care regarding this issue.

is one of pivotal thingpoints | avoid using thing, stuff etc in academic words, try to find another substitute which is more specificTo improve the pleasure of purchasers
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Creating own business can lead to bankruptcy and failure nevertheless it bring often lot of success [2]

starting to create own business becomes well-knownpopular in these day

build own companybusiness rather than working for acompany .

I would argueagree with that trendstatementabovethatas it leads more merits than demerits.

which arehas many competitors and rivalry.

online shop becomes phenomenon and populara popular phenomenon in which many societies
but also positive ones
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people assume that it is better for young generation to take an occupation before study [3]

... range of the age between 22-24 years old while the age of group to enroll university about 18-20 aged.
you have to mention not only the age difference, but also which group have job experience so that the idea will be more clearly to be understood

I believe that this iscase not only deliveringdelivers a detrimental effect

but also bringing some positive sides .

is beneficial the opportunity to control

hey has
havealreadyobservingobserved the wayhow to adapt with the environment

Furthermore, another positive side is young generation is easier to accept the process of learning in university. double verb
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should young people take a job before they attend university? [2]

However , there is also disadvantages for this issue, but I personally believe that the merits outweigh the demerits.{However = but, to avoid using those two in the same sentence which are little bit confusing, here is my suggestion.}

Although undeniably there are several drawbacks of be occupied between school and college, I personally believe that those demerits can be offset by its benefits.

Try to reduce the use of connector devices as it makes your writing sounds unnatural if you used it too much.
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Occupation between school and university [2]

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.

Some people state that being occupied before attending university is a good thing for youngsters. Although this case is beneficial, it will bring several drawbacks as well.

The most substantial benefit from working in early-age is a great deal of experience that the youngsters can get. While working, pre-college students can also learn to deal with may types of people's personality so that it will helps them to interact with university colleagues. In addition, those people also can feel the sense of independency. They can earn their own money so that they minimally need financial aids from their parents. However, I believe that working for several years before attending college can bring more drawbacks.

Young people who already find a job are more likely to have less motivation to continue their study. This case will make them stuck in that job, as they cannot find another one which offers high salary. It is because many company these days usually include college degree as a criteria for job enrollment. After several years taking an occupation, people will graduate in older age than ordinary students. Meanwhile, there are many job vacancies which restrict their applicants' maximum ages. Because of that, by postphoning university study, students will lose several job opportunities. Not only that, in fact, the older people start to learn something, the shorter their brains can memorise it. Thus, people who enter college in older age will absorb knowledge not as effective as their younger counterparts.

To sum up, it is clear that taking a job before attending college cn brings benefits and drawbacks for the students. However, the advantages do not outweigh its disadvantages which mostly relate to age. I highly recommend youngsters to get a job between school and university so that they will get useful experience, but they should do it in short term as they can waste their age.
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Starting a new business is very advantageous [2]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

Competition of finding a proper job is extremely hard in this globalising era. For this reason, many people decide to become enterpreneurs. Although starting a new business is highly risky, I believe that this decision brings more benefits.

The main drawback of enterpreneurship is high risk of bankruptcy. When people decide to start their own company, they should prepare themselves for the worst bankrupt which can happen to their business. A young business is fragile, especially as regard the financial issues and the trust of society. If the inventor of a new business cannot gains attention of the customers, him/her business will easily sink due to a sharp drop in its economical status. Meanwhile, a bankrupted enterpreneur still has an obligation to pay salary of their workers which make them need a huge debt to fulfill it. However, compared to the advantages of owning a business, I believe that those risks is minuscule.

Undoubtedly, a new business is highly advantageous not only for the enterpreneurs, but also society, even government. From personal point of view, owning a company can widen a businessman's relationships, even overseas, as they will unconciously do more public communication in order to widespread their business. Self-employed people also do not have to wait to be paid as they work for themselves, the income is all theirs. When the company's economical status balloon, the money earn by the owner increase as well. For other people, enterpreneur is significant because by establishing a new business, they will help others who are unemployed to earn money. This case will indirectly leads to the plunge of unemployment rate in a nation.

In conclusion, although it is true that be involved in enterpreneurship has a drawbak if people cannot handle some problems with finance and customers, the advantages are much more bigger. In my view, people should learn from business experts first before they decide to start their own business.
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Both old generation and young generation have their respective advantages to lead the company. [2]

..., a plenty of people assume that young leaders are better. (plenty of = for uncountable nouns)

So , they can handle and manage ...
So , they will not compound their ...
avoid using "so" in the beginning of a sentence. it is informal though.i suggest to replace with "thus"

The industries have to select their leaders according to their needs.
to make this sentence blending with the entire writing, add some related words. "The industries have to select their leaders according to their needs, experienced leader or innovative one"
angga93   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Chocolade producing starts with harvesting the ripe red pods from cocoa trees [2]

Overall, it can be seen that making chocolate pass through several steps,

Then the harvested pods split into two parts in order to remove the white cocoa beans,{1. you should mention what parts, ... and ... so that it does not raise a question; 2. remove means eliminate something. i suggest you to use "collect"}

...But, before it spread over a long board to be dried using sunlight,... {avoid use "but" in the beginning of a sentence; 2. passive voice:is spreaded}
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The government's safety laws - are they all really necessary or it's an exaggeration already [3]

Governments make many rules to protect people from danger, for example, by making people wear seat belts in cars or not allowing smoking in public buildings. However, many people believe that there are too many rules nowadays. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

Safety laws are verry common these days in many countries. Many people see this case as exageration, as they do not need those rules. However, I totally disagree with that view as the government will not make any rules if society does not need it.

The abundance of rules which are intended for people's safety is seen as unpleasant by some people. According to them, they can take care of their own life and they do not need anyone to take control of their own safety. In fact, laws force them to pay an exact amount of money when they disobey rules for their safety.Virtually every place has rules to protect people from danger. In the road, for example, when someone does not wear seatbelt when driving a car or use helmet when ride a motorbike, the police will give them penalty even though they do not make other people in danger. For this reason, many people consider ubiquitous safety rules as unecessary burden.

On the other hand, I believe that every rule is made because it is needed. Society these days tend to ignore their own safety so that they need to be reminded when they do something harmful. Rule itself force people for their own safety, by using punishment, the government ask people to rethink if they want to risk their own lives. Pubilc smoking laws are formed because although most people know that smoking is dangerous for them and their surrounding, they still love to do it in public when there are no one remind them about the rules. In all, if human do not have tendency to do dangerous act, there will be no rules made for such things. Unfortunately, considering human attitude towards safety these days, te existed rules are not enough in strength and quantity to protect them from danger.

To sum up, although it is true that nowadays government have made many rules for human safety, those are actually not enough to protect society as they do not pay much attention to their own safety. In my opinion, the existed rules must be strangthened so that people feel more afraid to disobey it.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Prisons are considered as the best way to decrease crime rate [2]

offendershould be(it is not a suggestion) detained in prison in order to do not do(to prevent them from doing) some potential offense(offences)

Although prison makes people becoming wary, I personally agree that education is ...

people canobtain(get) the occupation

Canada is recognized as the most safetysafest country in the world. | Canada is considered as a country which has the best safety in the world
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Power-holders in many countries govern several regulations to shelter society from harmful actions [2]

such us rules-related to safety driving | such as safety-related rules for driving / such as rules which are related to safety in driving

there is an increasingincrease (need object) in the number of crime rate ...
this rule has received criticism from people who considers that this rule violates basic human right,

several new rules which involves fines and imprisonment for internet users

For one-idea paragraph, put a conclusion in its end
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The government should balance budgets for healthcare and health education [2]

Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

One of some parameters which determines people's quality of live is health. For that reason, virtually every developed country fund the healthcare equipment and procedure a lot. However, I totally disagree with that view because it is one-sided. The government should devide those money for both medical application and health education so that peolple can have better healthcare.

There is no doubt that a great deal of money is needed for providing and maintaing medical equipment. If every hospital has cutting-edge medical technology, it wil be easier for doctors to give treatment for their patients. Therefore, the rate of morbidity can be reduced and citizens' average longevity will be increased. However, funding healthcare only is not as beneficial as spend the budget equally for medic and healthcare education.

The importance of medical education should not be neglected in its role of keeping people's health. This subject of education reveals better methods and equipments for medical uses. If this study receive enough money for its reseacrh and development and it works, healing people from illness will be much easier. Moreover, the viruses and microorganism which cause disease in fact evolve gradually, so that medical scince have to study those change of pathogen's characteristics. Thus, it will help the medical professionals work better to cure the sickness.

To sum up, I strongly disagree with imbalance proportion of medical application fund and health education budget. It is imperative that both subjects have the same improtance to keep people well. If the government olny one-sided, the development of human healthcare will be very slowly.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Supermarkets and customers can restrict the use of the product packaging. IELTS Task 2 [2]

Packaging and wrapping that coveringcover the food is one of the way ...

...manufactures and hypermarkets are responsible to limit the amount of ...

Meanwhile, others believe that customers have to restrictavoidpurchase

purchasing items that are covered with lots of packaging.

... for every product produced | for each of their product

...can make its products into large packs. |...have to consider large packaging system for their items.

...the largest contributor of plastic waste in Indonesia are caused by people...

All in allIn conclusion , although the factory still had to use ...
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Different objections against skyscrappers [2]

and this trend is predicted that it will continue for several years later.

this will brings some negatives changes in people's life. (SV agreement)

The establishment of some skyscrapers which are continuingwill continue for the next century...

...and escape the attention of the government.and do not receive enough attention from the government

For one-idea paragraph, put conclusion in its end

Construction process is often killedkills labor due to ..

...have a greater potentially to ...

All in all, although there is an increase in (...) {all in all is used to conclude a paragraph. for entire writing use "to conclude, in conclusion, to sum up etc}
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Juvenile delinquency is multifactorial case, not just caused by working mother [2]

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the last two decades, the trend of gender equality makes a lot of women decide to work rather than stay in their home. Many people believe that this case is the main cause of juvenile delinquceny. However, I strongly object that opinion because juvenil deliquency is multifactorial case which is not that simple occured only by lack interaction of children with their mother.

It is true that mother's duty is keeping their children safe and educating them so that they will well-behave. Women who work routinely will lose their opportunity to do such things. This minimal contact between mothers and children makes the mother cannot properly control their kid's behavior so that when those youngsters make mistakes, their moms is not there to tell them that it is not right. However, In my opinion, it is just one of many factors that leads to problematic children. In fact, there are some causes which are more influential to how children behave.

In fact, the most influential cause of problematic youngsters is the environment where they are risen. Bad social conditions will affect those children's behaviors as young people have high curiosity and tend to imitate others. Making friends with badly-behave peers also contribute a lot to juvenile deliquency. Even youngsters who firstly have decent atitude will turn to bad kids when they frequently interact with delinquent. All in all, juvenile delinquency is caused by many factors, especially the place where the youngsters are grown up.

To sum up, it is evident that although career women is one of the causes of juvenile deliquency, this matter is not the main cause. Meanwhile, environmental conditions take a lead to rise badly-behave kids. In my view, society should not see gender equality as bad influence in youngster generation, but theu have to focus on alleviate the factors which causes juvenile deliquency such as bad environmental conditions.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Which one is better, young or old director? [3]

A great deal of(for uncountable, a huge number of) inhabitants thinks(plural, think) that young people should be(not a suggestion, are capable)better to become better leaders or directors than old people.

...Mark Zurkenberg,who was invent Facebook , the inventor of facebook had established ...
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The world construct ever-taller building to provide accommodation and offices [2]

....brings a detrimental effect on the social and physical dangers. | brings detrimental effects as regards to social and physical dangers.
...will boost the number of sick and accident in employment. | ...will boost the number of sickness and accident...
...skyscraper will increase the stabilization of economy... | skyscrapers will stabilize economical status in a high rate so that the quality of life can be enhanced.

...Singapore is the countries that enlarge ... | ... Singapore is one of some countries that ...
Even though, Singapore does not have natural resources to sustain their nation, but the facility that offer to ... {double connection}
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pathway of chocolate production [2]

The diagrams show how chocolate is produced.

The flowcharts gives information about liquid chocolate prodution from raw cacao. Overall, the process can be differed into two different stages, which are preparation of cacao beans and chocolate manufacturing.

First of all, the main ingredient which was cacao beans inside the red pods of cacao tree, is prepared before shipping. Those ripe cacao are harvested from South America, Africa and Indonesia, then white cocoa beans inside the pods is colected. Following this, the beans is fermented in a large box, and once fermented, those are sun-dried. After the beans is dry, those are collected again and putted in large sacks. These ready-to-manufactured beans then transported to the chocolate factory to be processed.

After the beans is taken to manufacturer, that raw ingredient is roasted at 350 centigrade. Next, roasted beans is crushed until the outer shell is separated from its edible part inside. The obtained inner part is processed to produce liquid chocolate. This process involve a pressing machine which force the liquid coming out of the beans.




angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Manufacturers and supermarkets have the responsibility to reduce the amount of packaging of goods [2]

Hello nisa, for one-idea paragraph, you have to write conclusion in the end of it. It will help the reader to extract the idea and get a clear conclusion. For example, here is my suggestion to conclude your second body paragraph.

All in all, consumers also have responsibility to reduce the use of plastic bags because they can reduce plastic waste significantly if they avoid to use it.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Prison is one of places for offenders to rehabilitate their deeds. [3]

Hello nida, your essay is well-organized. However, you use too much conjunction in the beginning of your sentences. You have to reduce it as it will make your writing one-dimensional. For example, you can put the conjunction in the middle of your sentence, or just directly write your main point if it still related to your prior sentence. To change point of view, in this case your second body paragraph, you have to use an opening clause (on the other hand etc.) so that the readers know that the paragraph is the opposite of you first body.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Severe problems in regard to children behavior at schools [2]

In many countries, schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

Children are educated in school for improving both their knowledge and their moral. However, students' behavior in school has become severe problems in many countries. The causes are strongly associated to the way schools devide their portion for both types of education, and parent's attitude towards education system in their child's scools.

Students' bad behavior which is extremely problematic for education intitutin can be caused by several factors. Modern schools usually do not provide proper moral education for students and more focus on knowledge improvement. Meanwhile, children spend more in schools than in their own home. If education institutions do not nurture children about how they should behave, it is no doubt that children will do not understand what is right and wrong. Moreover, nowadays education institutions tend to give their students more freedom than in the past. It is correlated to more complains from parents when the students state that they feel disturbed by the scools' laws. Because the pupils believe that their parents will always defend them everytime they make mistakes, this children tend to act as they wish.

In fact, this matter will be easily tackled if both institution and family support moral education for children. First of all, schools have to balance their way educating students how to behave while teach some knowlegde. However, this way will not work if the parents keep complaining about rules which is intended to make children well-behave. Thus, they must entrust their children's moral education to the school because it knows better how the students behave there so that the scool can give proper punishment to pupils if they act badly. In all, schols do not have to deal with this predicament if parents and the institution collaborate to nurture children so that they have good behavior.

In conclusion, it is evident that serious issue about students behavior in school caused by parents' and schools' attitude towads children moral education. This case can be solved if both sides collaborate to educate children's so that they will well-behave. If they both do not pay enough attention to it, this matter will be more severe in the future.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Reduction of packaging involves both producers and consumers [NEW]

Some people feel that manufacturers and supermarkets have the responsibility to reduce the amount of packaging of goods. While others argue that customers should avoid buying goods with a lot of packaging. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In this decade, people throw much more packaging garbage than in retrospect era. This concern creates a belief that producers and sellers have to pack their products efficiently. Meanwhile, the opposites state that it depends more on customer's choice of packaging when they buy goods. In my opinion, all parts of societies have responsibility to reduce the number of rubbish from packaging materials.

It is true that manufacturers as well as shops have an obligation to control the amount and type of packaging materials such as cardboard, styrofoam and plastic wrap. They have to consider every drawback and benefit of particular way to pack their products. In fact, many companies choose to pack their delicate item in many different materials to avoid damage in its shipment and usually, the dimension of the packaging is a lot bigger than the actual size of the items. Moreover, supermarkets which sell this product also provide extra packaging, such as plastic bag and cardboard to help customers bring their buggies. In all, it is clear that factories and shops have to make their packaging system more effective because those huge amount of packaging materials will end up as a waste.

From another point of view, consumers also take part in the inefficiency of packaging. If they continuously tend to chose goods with interesting packaging which use plenty of matters, the company will receive this feedback and create more interesting packaging to attract customers more. In addition, if the costumers keep asking for plastic bags to wrap their goods, they will directly increase packaging waste. For this reason, people should bring their own bags when they go shopping so that they do not need a plastic back or cardboard from supermarkets. All in all, the consumers also have to take a part in packaging reduction.

To sum up, it is evident that both the sellers and the buyers equally have responsibility to reduce the use of packaging materials. In my view, recycling packaging materials is the best way to reduce the amount of packaging.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Artists' freedom to express their ideas [3]

Paragraph 1
Revolution originates from the freedom of invention. I believe there is a right for artists to express their feelings with limited restrictions based on ethics and legislations . You have to state your position, whether agree or disagree, clearly; here is my suggestion:I strongly agree with this statement that the freedom to express idea should be given to artists

Paragraph 2
If there is no respect to the freedom of expression, it could never happen. [Conditional sentence problem ]. here is my suggestion: if there is no respect to the freedom of expression, it will never happen
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The bar chart below shows the employment of all male and female workers by occupation [4]

Hello anirere, i post this for your consideration.

The percentage of employment by genders in the 9 occupations in the UK has been depicted in the bar chart in the year 2005. Overall, the man and women possess nearly same percentage in professional, associate professional, technical and elementary job.

I suggest you explain the highest or the lowest in your overview, so then you can use it as your main idea in body paragraph 1, and in body 1, you should firstly explain the highest one so that you can get the reader's attention

Besides that, you can also use your original overall as the interesting thing which will be explained in the last paragraph (separated sentence).

Interestingly, the man and women possess nearly same percentage in professional, associate professional, technical and elementary job.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Older vs younger leaders, whom is better? [NEW]

Most leaders or directors generally belong to an older age group, but some people believe that young leaders are better. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion.

Experience is the best teacher. It is the main reason why I strongly believe that most successful leaders are the older people who have many experience in their life. However, there are many people who argue that young leaders are better because of their vision towards the future.

The skills of leadership are totally depends on how many times an individual have overcame the issues in their teams successfully. Old leaders' ability to tackle problems in the middle of their project have proven because only a good leader will survives on their position until they are old. Moreover, older people have more experience supervising many different type of their employees' personalities, so that they will more able to prevent and handle social conficts within the team. The old age also brings its own advantage because they will get more respect from younger employee due to moral reasons.

From another point of view, the opposites argue that young people are very potential to be a better leader. They state that younger people can see the future more precisely because most of them have grown in the modern era. They also master cutting-edge technology so that they can produce their work more easily, quickly and high quality. In all, it is also some reasons that make young people become considerably good leader. However, the leaders' job is making a reasonable decision by considering many aspect. This young group mostly lack of this experience, because they have not faced enough difficult situation in team work, especially regarding to their team's attitude.

To sum up, it is evident that older age group have more experiences in leadership so that they are a better leader than the youngsters. It is because the young is lack of experience in making decision, contrasting with their older counterparts. In my opinion, because young people can utilize advance technology well and have a better ability to seeing of the future, they will better be supervised by experienced older people.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Objection of skyscrapers is unreasonable [2]

6. As populations grow and cities become more crowded, there is pressure throughout the world to construct ever-taller building to provide accommodation and offices. Many people object to such developments, citing the social as well as the physical dangers. Do you agree with objections to skyscrapers?

Overpopulation creates a huge demand of accomodation in many cities. Ironically, many people refuse the construction of skyscrappers which obviously are helpful to overcome this problem. I totally oppose that attitude towards such developments of infrastructure because tall buildings are the most efficient accomodation for overcrowded city.

The fear of physical and social dangers which are brought by skysraper's construction is the main reason why people reject such developments. First of all, the construction of skyscrappers is surounded by harmful materials and heavy machines so that they are affraid of high accident risk around that particular area. Most of them also belive that tall structures are more fragile when it comes to natural disaster such as earthquake. In addition, apartment blocks are unsuitable environment to raise children as there are no open areas and too much strangers living in the same building. It results in less interaction of people within the building because there are no lounge area for gathering with the neighbours while they look over their kids. However, in my view, it is unreasonable if people object the effort of providing enough shelters to accomodate huge number of citizens.

In fact, the sturdiness of a construction depends on the design and material used to build it. Advanced technology and knowledge of architecture these days helps much to create a safe, beautiful, longlast and functional skyscrapers in many different types of land. Therefore, the pobability of accidents associated with tall building in present is minuscule. Moreover, in many cities, a wide empty spaces are very difficult to find. For this reason, constructing tall building for offices and apartments is very advantageous as it can accomodate hundredfolds of people in same area dimension compared to ordinary houses or offices. This case is also potential to reduce the number of homelesses and inner-city slums so that the envinonment will become more friendly. In all, there are many reasons to say that skyscrapers is promising to fulfill the need of accomodations in limited spaces which are overpopulated.

In conclusion, although there are some arguments that make tall buildings seem dangerous, I totally support cities to have more tall constructions because it is clear that the benefits is more reasonable. If society keep rejecting such developments, more people will struggle to find home and occupation in the future as there will be no space for them in the city.
angga93   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 2 - 1. Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children [2]

Paragraph 1
I believe that government and parents have take => Simple Perfect Tense = Have + Past Participle =>have taken into the account about this conditions.

Paragraph 2
For example, the fast food restaurant has been developing well by using franchise system and the number still counting until now. => Passive voice = BE + Past Participle => the fast food restaurant has been well-developed by using franchise system and .....

Since this food has less beneficial nutrients => (There are no harmful nutrients) => less nutrientsto human body => for human body
angga93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The factors which affect population increment are good health care, promiscuity, government's role.. [2]

Hello friends, I have read your essay and here is my mark for your consideration.

1st paragraph:
The population of human being growth increase every year ... [Population growth rate increase every year / The growth rate of human population increase every year]
... it is included one of the problem which faced by... [it is considered as one of some problems which are faced by...]
... and the people believe.[and the community's beliefs]
I disagree that the rising population in the world is the biggest humanity problem.[Although it is true that this issue is serious, I totally disagree with common perspective which assumed that it is the greatest humanity problem. ]

the number of medical profession.... [...the number of medical professionals...]

2nd paragraph
... reduce the rate of human deaths, [... reduce the rate of morbidity]
...the promiscuity especially does by many western people who do it before marriage. [...promiscuity before marriage gains more approval by society nowadays, especially in western countries.]

Promiscuity has impact on the raising level of baby birth.[As an impact, there has been a remarkable rise in the number of newborn.]

3rd paragraph
The high number of population which continued to rise will lead to big problem,... [the huge number of population which rise continuously will leads to big problems...]

It is not the biggest humanity problem. Because, the problems still can be finished by government and the society by the rule which has been made by government and the community has to obey with it. [(for coherence) However, it is .... because the problems still can be tackled by the government and society. By making laws towards population growth, the government possibbly reduce this issue. It will not work if society does not obey the rules so that collaboration between those two groups is extremely significant.]

Besides that, the government has to provide jobs for unemployment. [add explanation, supporting clause/sentences]

4th paragraph
To sum up, although the high number of population is included the problem for society, ... [although it is evident that the rise of population growth rate is troublesome,...]

I believe that the biggest humanity problem is civil war, because it disobeys the human right.[irrelevant to your body paragraph, a conclusion have to be a sum of your entire writing. Yours do not mention "civil war". I suggest to put this sentence as your opinion, not the sum. For conclusion, just extract main idea of your paragraph.]

I suggest that the United Nations has to tackle this problem for making the peaceful of world. [irrelevant, your writing is about population growth rate, not about peace.]

I hope it is helpful for your next writing :)
angga93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Responsibility for teaching children how to behave. [3]

Hello Hoang, I have read your writing and here is my suggestion for you.

1. Your thesis statement briefly explains what you'll talking about in your essay, so that it will automatically shows your grouping in your writing. In this case, your thesis statement groups your idea into (a) only parents take responsibility, (b) government and schools also take responsibility

2. You have 2 groups of view, and you should consistent about it. You have to include main idea in each body paragraph which is related to your two groups respectively. And, to make a cohesive paragraph, you have to avoid adding statements which are irrelevant to your main idea. From your writing, your first body should explain "why people assume that only parents is responsible", but you write some reasons why schools also responsible for it which is belong to your second body paragraph.

I hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recent research has shown that media like the internet and TV have a greater influence on people [2]

Hello anirere, here is my suggestion for your writing for your consideration.

Currently researcher has presentedrevealed (word choice) that media such as TV and internet became a huge influence towards people live(people's lives) . In my personal point of view(In my view OR from my point of view) I do(double verb) agree that nowadays media holds important roles within the aspects of human life.

Considering that today media ...... such as smart phone and tablet.
Here is my suggestion: Today's media, such as TV and internet are highly accessible for any people from different backgrounds. As such, information spreads over virtually in high speed as people can reach it instantly using advanced communication technology such as smartphone and tablet.

..and here is my version of conclusion based on your writing
To sum up, I strongly believe that media is considerably a greater influence for people's lives if it is compared to politician. The main reason is majority of people nowadays possess advanced technological devices like mobile phone. This case has helped people, including politician, to access information which can affect their behavior more easily.

I hope it is helpful friend :)
angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Stokeford village landscape's changes - much more houses had been built, overtook the farmland [3]

The maps compare the changes of village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010. Overall, it can be seen that in the end of the period, there were much more houses had been built, overtook the farmland. Some buildings also changed structurally and functionally, but some of them did not show any change.

The most remarkable in this village's landscape was the lost of farmland which scattered in the early 19s century. The causes was the huge number of houses had been built on it. In the year 1930, the houses only presented in the northside of the village, alongside the mainroad, while farmland existed in south western and north eastern side. However, 80 years later almost all part of the village had been altered to residential area.

Over this 80-year period, there were some structures which experienced alteration and some were not. The large house in 1930 had been altered in function becoming retirement home, and the structure had been expanded both to the north and south sides with smaller gardens. Primary school in the north west of that building also witnessed building expansion in the end of this period. There was also construction of some streets forking to the north and east from the main road, and houses was built along its side so that there were several houses near the river. The shops which priorly existed near post office had been demolished in 2010. However, post office between the main road and the river, and the bridge which was connected the village with area in the north remained unchanged.




angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Does the increasing of human population become the worst problem? [2]

Hello Yonathan, it is better if you include an opening phrase which indicate that it is your conclusion. In addition, the sum also should covers each answer for the questions. It is also important to note that you have to answer all the question. It seems like you describe the causes only, you should give an explanation why you agree to the statement.

Uncontrolled human population become [...] to cooperate to tackle this problem.

In conclusion, uncontrolled human population is the worst problem that society ever face as it can influence the future of human race. The causes is a boom of teenager marriage and a reduce in war frequency. The government of of each countries have to cooperate to tackle this problem.

I hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Uncontrolled population growth rate has been a contemporary issue in many countries in recent years. [4]

Th continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time.
What are the causes of this continued rise?
Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

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Uncontrolled population growth rate has been a contemporary issue in many countries in recent years. This problem usually associated with social belief and the government do not pays enough attention. Many people argue that this is the greatest worldwide problem these days, but I personally believe that this can be tackled gradually if society and the government collaborate to alleviate it.

In many parts of the world, particularly in developing countries, society still has a belief that having more children means prosperity. Because of that, those people have a strong will to create a big family even though their financial status is not good enough. Another cause is the fear of birth control. Most uneducated people refuse to get a birth control treatment. Besides the cost of the treatment is fairly high, people reject it because they think that the chemicals used for it will badly affect their health. In all, those attitudes will lead to overgrow population.

Some people think that this issues is the greatest problem faced by human race. The reason is, overpopulation will leads to several social and environmental issues. For example, overpopulation indirectly worsen the green house effect due to bigger consumption of fossil fuels and more human waste. However, I believe that population growth rate is not a big problem because it will be easily controlled if people open their mind of its detrimental effects. The societies should stop to believe that big family will make them healthy because the effect is obviously the reverse. This issue actually is easy to overcome if the government provide free birth control and routine seminar to make people understand that the treatment is harmless.

To sum up, it is clear that continued population growth is caused by people's attitude towards birth control and lack of government's attention to tackle this problem. I strongly believe that this case is overestimated as the greatest problem in humanity. It will be good if both society and the government work together more seriously to overcome this problem.

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