Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2, school life is stressful and tiring hence after their graduation. [2]

Hello wahyu

To make the text more refined, I suggest you apply the following adjustments/corrections:

tiring [...]. Therefore, after having graduated from school, they usually take a few years off from studying.
while [...] contemplating on what university...
This easy [...]You should remove this sentence - it sounds awkward.
think [...] thought that taking time for themselves, between their... is indeed rather beneficial.
Firstly [...] First, they will be able to expand their intellectual horizons by visiting new places and learning about other cultures.
Secondly [...] Second...
the field [...], for which they...
will make [...] will enable them...
Besides [...], by having postponed the time when they are to enroll at a university, they will have more time...
It prevents [...] It will prevent them...
several [ ...], there are some people who would disagree.
While enjoying their job and traveling places...
Some of them [...] decide in favor of giving up on the idea of enrolling at a university...
Their mind [...] becomes more focused on achieving some concrete objectives, which in turn makes it harder for these individuals to think in abstract terms.
In addition [...] while traveling, school graduates are naturally tempted to stay in new places for much longer than they initially planned.
It is worried [...] this sentence does not make much sense.
To sum up [...] there are both: benefits and drawbacks to the idea of postponing the enrollment at a university.
In my opinion [...] no need for this
.
I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / The advantages of living in a large city - a lot of opportunities and potential to develop [3]

Hello ngocloan

Your text is easy to understand, but you could use improving some of the sentences stylistically:

A large [...] The rapid pace of the ongoing progress in the field of communication technologies is especially notable in large cities.
It helps [...] One of the reasons for it is that just about every large city can be thought of in terms of a network of people who need to stay in close touch with each other, as the mean of attaining social prominence.

First [...] Large cities feature the advanced system of public transportation, which provide residents with yet another incentive to lead a socially integrated lifestyle.
fee is not [...] high...
Another advantage [...] Is that in big cities people are provided with a number of different entertainment opportunities, unavailable in rural areas.
which [...] whichever...
has [...] have...
unhealthy [...], there is usually a well-equipped hospital nearby.
you will get [...] a chance to obtain a high-quality education.
A lot of [...] Although studying at the affiliated universities and colleges is not cheap, it is nevertheless well worth it, because of the provided tuition's high quality.

As a result [...] university graduates have a much higher chance of securing a well-paid job than the rest.
nonetheless [...] Nevertheless, there are still many people who find the idea of leading an urban lifestyle utterly unappealing.

I hope it came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Comparison Three universities BU, USC and UB. [4]

Hello

I think your text will sound better if you reformulate some sentences/phrases as suggested below:
Currently [...] As of today, the number of universities in Australia has reached its all-time high.
students to [...] be aware of what account for the educational standards in each of these universities, before deciding to enroll.
abroad [...] while leading a socially-integrated lifestyle, should make an inquiry into what specific university should prove the most suitable for them.
compare [...] specify their locations and compare the number of students in each of the mentioned universities, as well as the affiliated support services and recreation facilities.

There are several [...] You should consider removing this sentence - it's redundant.
universities, [...] is...
which is near Semi-rural areaYou should remove this.
kilometers [...] away...
BU [...] appears to be the most convenient university to attend...
it is [...] located in the suburban residential area...
While [...] Whereas BU is situated close to some recreation facilities, USC is in the vicinity of the country's national parks.
both of them [...] happened to be within the walking distance to the beach.
higher [...] percentage of international students...
with constitute [...] which (?) constitute...
Therefore [...] This sentence is not very intelligible. I would've corrected it, but I simply don't quite get what you were going to say.

in particular, they [...] have about 10.700 students attending...
They have [...] There are...
Especially [...] In particular,
Whereas, BU [...] is primarily known for its fame of being associated with the outdoor activities of...
In addition , In general [...], USC appears to be better equipped with the sporting facilities than the other two.

I hope it came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 [Problem-Solving] : More working families these days are in favor of fast food [5]

Hello

I corrected a few phrases/sentences in the text so that it sounds better:

Fast [...] food consumption became widespread among urbanites because it allows them to save time on cooking.
Children [...] are likely to grow obese, if on the fast-food diet, and [...] home-made food is...
food [...] has a strong negative effect on people, in the sense of causing them to gain some excessive weight.
Obese [...] people are known for their unhealthy love of fast food and for their inability to lead a healthy lifestyle.
This [...] phenomenon is usually associated with the realities of an urban living, as such that imply that the affiliated individuals are constantly in a hurry.

Therefore [...] people should think twice before deciding to switch to eating fast food.
Societies [...] There are a few ways for the society to address the issue.
Home-made [...] food is much healthier, as compared to fast food because we know what account for the ingredients of the former.
Thus [...] they have plenty of time to work and to take care of their children.
In brief [...] There are indeed a number of reasons to prefer home-made food over fast food.
In conclusion [...] children should be discouraged from eating fast food, as the source of many health problems.
more care [...] more caring...

Regards.

Undergraduate / My mother is my model - she has had the greatest influence on my life [3]

Hello... I applied some stylistic corrections to your text so that it sounds better:

i [...] is (my mother).
She [...] She did not only give me birth but also made it possible for me to receive a proper upbringing.
for [...] for the family.
all [...] all-day-long into the late hours.
However [...] She, however, continues to take care of me.
She [...] is a self-sacrificial woman.
She [...] My mother's whole life if completely dedicated to the family.
failed [...] In times when I fail, she strives to comfort me.
it [...] Because of my mother, I have always felt motivated trying to become a better person.
Last [...] Thus, I indeed have many good reasons to think of my mother as a role model.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - The major cities in the world are growing fast, as well as their problems [6]

Hello madmoiselle

I applied some stylistic refinements to the text so that it sounds better:

Majority [...] As of recently, many world cities have experienced a rapid growth.
This [...] This, however, also resulted in making it harder for young people to enjoy the thoroughly adequate standards of living.
account [...] when it would come to addressing the issue.
High [...] Young people that reside in the urban areas are challenged by having to cope with the high costs of living.
in the urban areas [...] you must've meant rural areas?
This is due [...] Partially, this can be explained by the highly competitive aspects of an urban living.
occupied [...] populated...
Thus [...] there can be only a few doubts that while trying to cope with the realities of a city life, young people are bound to experience problems.

they [...] should not...
more [...] They should also eat more at home...
Therefore [...] By doing this, they will be able to...
solution [...] - young people should rely on public transportation while getting around.
If the [...] If the destination happened to be within a walking distance, they should consider getting there on foot.
leads [...] indeed proves troublesome for many young people.
However [...] after having proven themselves capable of addressing the mentioned challenges, the concerned individuals will be more likely to attain social prominence.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Psychologist's statement that parents and teachers hold a paramount role to control children. IELTS [6]

Hello ainirere

Your text is Ok, but could use applying some stylistic adjustments to it. I rewrote a few sentences/phrases for you to make the text sound better:

The violent [...] As of recently, the number of violent crimes committed by young people under the age of 18 has been on a constant rise.
that [...] the lack...
the main [...] reasons for this to be the case.
In my [...] I agree that this suggestion is indeed thoroughly plausible.
Parents [...] Parents and teachers are the ones responsible for familiarising children with the ways of the world.
First [...] First, I will discuss the parents' point of view, in this respect.
Most of [...] They simply do not have time to stay in close touch with their children.
Feeling [...] Experiencing the sensation of loneliness has a detrimental effect on children's emotional well-being.
As a [...] As a result...
responsibility to [...] responsibility for ....
Most of [...] The learning process in most schools does not allow children to develop their emotional intelligence.
majority [...] Most teachers address their professional responsibilities in the emotionally unengaged manner, which disadvantages students even further.
Eventually [...] This encourages students to indulge in the anti-social behavior, such as bullying.
with [...] the ...
role [...] in controlling children.
In fact, [...] the more... children [...] receive, the more...
teachers [...] do not pay much attention to this consideration.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Working as a volunteer after school time could be beneficial and mandatory. [3]

Hello antran1995

Your text needs to be refined stylistically. I rewrote some sentences for you:
In my point [...] I partially agree with this point of view, because there are indeed some drawbacks to working as a volunteer.
There are [...] There are some benefits to the concerned activity, as well, because by being associated with it, students learn how to act as the society's productive members.

Thus [...] Thus, there is a good reason to believe that by volunteering to do social work, students are able to acquire a number of different career-related skills.

could reduce [...] could narrow down the gap between the rich and poor...
would relieve [...] would reduce the severity of their anxieties...
However [...] However, it would be another story if it was mandatory for students to do this kind of work.
In fact, [...] The reason for this is that this allows them to make some extra money and it they would not be thrilled with the idea of being forced to do any work for free.

In addition [...] This would have a strongly negative effect on both types of students: those who exhibit much enthusiasm for working as volunteers, and on those who could not care less about becoming affiliated with the activity in question.

In conclusion [...] Even though there can be only a few doubts about the fact that the concerned activity is socially beneficial, it is just as clear that students should not be coerced to become volunteers against their will.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS T2 on birth rate and predominance of aging people in the demographics [2]

Hello mormontre

I applied some adjustments to the text so that it sounds better:

According [...] According to the recent statistical data, the number of newly born children in the developed countries has been on a constant decrease over the course of the last few decades and it will continue to be the case in the near future.

This [...] This, in turn, is likely to result in causing the affected society to experience the lack of workers.
Firstly [...] First...
then [...] the society...
consequence [...] The society's fabric will undergo a dramatic transformation, with the population of old/retired people becoming to represent its largest segment, which in turn means that there would be less and less socially productive individuals left - something that will inevitably result in making it increasingly harder for such a society to generate wealth.

teenagers [...] will begin to consider relocating to other countries...
together [...] along with encouraging young people not to leave.
to enhance [...] to boost up the birth rate...
to live [...] without experiencing any economic hardships...
become bigger [...] grow larger in size
certain places [...] certain areas...
In conclusion [...] because of the mentioned problem, the affected countries' future does not appear particularly bright.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: more children are accessing the internet unsupervised. [3]

Hello tugyts

The text is quite understandable but you could use rephrasing some sentences as follows:

The computer [...] Computer technology is closely associated with the realities of a modern living - young people are especially fascinated by it.
It may result [...] This situation, however, is rather precarious, as there is plenty of evidence that children's obsession with computers has a detrimental effect on their ability to become the society productive members.

Firstly [...] First, by surfing the web children face the risk of being harassed and threatened.
Lots of family [...] You should probably just remove this sentence - it's not very intelligible.
exaotation [...]extortion, after having obtained from kids some personal information about their parents.
risk of [...] risk for children to be taken advantage of by con-artists.
The firt step [...] One of the things parents can do, in this respect, is keeping a close eye on what children do while online.
The second step [...] Another thing would be limiting children's access to the Internet.
To conclude [...] In conclusion, parents indeed have the obligation to pay close attention to what account for their children's online activities.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Offences that are commited using a computer are more and more common this days.. [4]

Hello tugyts

These are some stylistic adjustments that you should consider applying to the text:

There are [...] In most cases, cyber-crime involves hacking into people's (bank?) accounts.
Firstly [...] For example, hackers often prey on people who assess their bank accounts via the Internet.
being cautious [...] Therefore, people must exercise caution while using the Internet to do banking.
There are many [...] There are many con-artists out there, who approach gullible individuals online for the purpose of money extortion.
Secondly [...] Some people also make a deliberate point in browsing the web anonymously, in order to be able to get away with harassing others.
There are [...] There are a few things that can be done by a person to reduce the risk of him or her being victimized online.

In this way [...] This should prevent one's personal information from being shared with a third party, despite the concerned individual's will.
To conclude [...] The last sentence is rather unintelligible.. You should consider shortening it. You could say: Because cyber-crime is on the rise, people should never cease applying a continual effort into making sure that their personal information is safe and secure.

I hope it helped. (Not sure about the score) Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - More people are complaining about obesity, particularly the consumption of junk food. [7]

Hello mark pro

Your text will sound better (stylistically) if you apply the following corrections to it:
in many countries a number of people are appealing about ... many people complain about the fact that by eating junk food, they grow increasingly obese.

However, in many parts of the world, this problem is increasing ... Moreover, as time goes on, this problem appears to become ever more acute.
One of the main causes of the problem is that these days, ... One of the main reasons behind it is that the people's lifestyles are not what they used to be in the past.

And many people are working long hours in this world. And ... Because they work long hours, most individuals are simply not in the position to consider a healthy diet.

Then they may eat junk food a lot. If people eat a lot of junk food.No need for these sentences.
People become obesity. As a result, people become obese.
many woman most women
one of the maine cause one of the main causes of the issue at stake.
The solution is the woman should prepare the food at home The solution would be encouraging women to cook at home.
And they should encourage people to eat any food at home. Home-made meals taste better, anyway.
at exact time. on time
eat food, when they have free time. eat when they have free time on their hands.
As to the fact As the matter of fact
it has harmful effect to the people's health it will have a negative effect on their health
at exact time. on time
nothing anything
A third cause of the problem is that junk food, fast food are not very expensive as healthy food. The third cause of the problem is that junk food is very inexpensive.

become fat grow fat
The solution is that the many cafes should decrease the price of healthy food. The best solution would be to reduce prices for healthy food.

these days, the big problem is that humanity do not eat correctly it is indeed a big problem that many people do not eat properly.

government and doctors are responsible to solve the problem. the government and physicians should be held responsible for solving the problem in question.

Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2- Newspapers have an enormous influence on people's ideas and opinions. [3]

Hello truebypass

I think you should consider applying the following stylistic adjustments to the text:

Newspapers nowadays have become an indispensable part to ... As of today, newspapers continue to remain one of the main sources of information.

Some people advocate that it is beneficial for people to accumulate ... Some people consider this state of affairs thoroughly appropriate while others do not quite agree.

Indeed, in my stance, there are some drawbacks of the newspapers. In my opinion, there are indeed some disadvantages to reading newspapers.

The first and most important reason is that people's thoughts are ... First, people appear to be easily influenced by the latter.

That is, people are passive to absorb the information and tend to ... That is, individuals tend to think of whatever they read in newspapers as such that represents an undisputed truth-value.

For example, people with hustle and bustle lifestyles are too busy to ... Partially, this can be explained by the fact that most people do not bother to verify information, contained in newspapers.

Meanwhile, those information are widely use in every field which has ... One's age does not seem to affect his or her behavior, in this respect.

In the long term, people are likely to lose their judgement. In its turn, this prevents people from being able to form their own opinions about things.

Another reason is that most of newspapers are controlled by ... Second, newspapers promote the agenda of those that they happened to belong to.

on the vital issues. on vital issues

it is common to use entertainment news or celebrity secrets to divert ... newspapers are used to divert people's attention from the issues that do matter, such as...

It allows people hardly to focus This makes it quite impossible for readers to focus...

and has a strong impact and as such, they have a strong effect on...

For the great regret in lives, people should cast a discriminative eye on it.You should probably just remove this sentence... it's not very intelligible.

I hope it came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing Task 2 : High Education or Work Experience - there are several opinions [3]

Hello liv_ryu

I rewrote some sentences for you so that the text sounds better (stylistically):

Several communities believe that graduating from university determines the job opportunity while... Whereas some people believe that one's career prospects are solely determined by the person's possession of university diploma, others tend to think that it is so much more about him or her holding much experience in a particular professional field.

I firmly believe that background education is considered to apply job especially in accepted possibility. I strongly believe that one's educational background is the main factor to be considered by the potential employers.

a huge number Many/some
are easy to get a job. are more likely to get a job
A 2007 report The 2007 report
It leads students to cultivate the experience and development for success It encourages students to gain experience in the chosen field so that they can excel academically.

It is true that student have to finish their study in high level.there is no need for this sentence
average populations observe it has been observed
is important. is more important
A 2013 report The 2013 report
for applying job. when it comes to applying for job
the ability by working experience shows the people's capacity, however, it can not be denied...this is rather unintelligible... I'm not sure what you were going to say. You could say: Even though it is indeed important for a person to show that he or she holds much professional experience, when it comes to hiring, it is equally important for him or her to prove being highly educated.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing Task 2 : The media in people's lives and politicians [2]

Hello lily89

I rewrote some sentences/applied corrections so that the text sounds better (stylistically):
almost society. almost every society
study presented study showed
is more influence exert more influence
has taken a part has played an important role
particularly in election particularly during the elections
which overweight legislator,you should just remove this sentence - it's rather unintelligible.
Accessing media on the majority of people has become a part of routinely activities Most people access media on a daily basis.
observing television watching television
A 2012 study of The 2012 study by...
every step every phase
mass media relates to public's habit. mass media affect people's decisions
in term of deciding an option.you should just remove it...
News media is familiar method of manipulating political rumors. Media contribute to spreading political rumors.
They had evidence gathered evidence
media significantly informed voters media did contribute towards informing the voters
the effect of media like choosing item in individuals' activities the effect of media in prompting people to act in one way or another
a wider impact for people's living. has a great effect on people's lifestyles.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Staying in the permanent place is more economic although a lack of experiences is still inevitable [3]

Hello Anaguna

I applied some stylistic adjustments to the text:

These days, people often move around. Nowadays, people do relocate quite often throughout the course of their lives.

Staying in the permanent place become popular in the past time Staying in one place used to be popular back in the past.

it is more economic it is more cost-efficient

since spending much money is the drawback from living in the temporary ...This sentence sounds rather unintelligible... Did you want to say: 'Staying in one place is not quite as cost-effective as it used to be in the past?'

The benefit of unchanging the area of living The main benefit of living permanently in one place is that it allows saving money.

However, it cannot be denied that the inhabitants... However, the drawback of such a lifestyle is that the concerned individuals are rarely able to meet new people, which in turn makes it harder for them to advance in life.

They are also not allowed to see the breathtaking places on the other sides They are denied the pleasures of seeing new places.

it is better for humans to do a movement in some areas. It is better for people to relocate from time to time.

This is because they encourage the improvement of their knowledge ... The reason for this is that while moving to new places, people also get to learn and appreciate new cultures.

although each session of life either living in the same place or in the various ... there are both - advantages and disadvantages to either of the mentioned lifestyles.

nfluence the pattern of their family life . you should probably remove this sentence.. it doesn't make a good ending.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: When choosing a place to live, what do you consider most important? [3]

Hello cirora

You should consider applying some stylistic adjustments to the text. They are as follows;

because several factors may shift "the balance" to location, size, style and so on. because one's decision, in this respect, is influenced by a number of different factors.

Although giving a unique characteristic may not appear as simple as you thinkIt's not clear what this sentence refers to.. You should remove it.

One reason I feel One of the reasons, as to why I feel in this way...
that sun influences people that the weather has a strong effect on people's mood
and they never have the sun. and the weather is rarely sunshiny there
people is happier people are happier
distance from center distance form the center of a town
has a lot of importance has much importance
Firstly, First
Secondly Second
I think that the price of the house is a basic factor to take into account.This sentence is awkward.. you could say: "The price of a house is the most important factor to consider".

it's enough to consider one should pay attention to...

I hope this helped. Regards.

Scholarship / How I choose course and institution for master degree [3]

Hello gianti

The following are some stylistic corrections that I think should be applied to the text:

Having international discussion about global trade and working Having participated in discussions about global trade and worked...
international trade international trade, in particular...
I undoubtedly looked for the course that supports me best in achieving my goal and align with my interests . I made a deliberate point in looking for the course that would correlate the best with the scope of my interests and my educational goals.

getting others perspective about the course learning about how other people think of the course.
By researching, I got better understanding While conducting my research, in this respect, I acquired a better understanding...
After having some deliberations, After having deliberated the issue...

I hope this will help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Taks 2 _ Are sport facilities less useful to maintain public health? [2]

Hello wulanbila16

I applied a few corrections to the text that is sounds much better:

Nowadays, more and more countries become increasingly concerned with the issue of ensuring a high quality of public health.
It encourages them to make some efforts to maintain it.You should remove it...
adding more sport facilities building more..
people can use it to keep their body fit. because by exercising, people are are able to stay fit
facilities do not give a major impact these facilities are not as useful as they are believed to be
better to require other facilities such as hospital and healthy food centre. hospitals should be put in charge...
can be better - is much better
by using this facilities, inhabitants can keep their body fit. by doing physical workouts, people can lead a healthy lifestyle
can trigger people can stimulate individuals
In another hand, on the other hand
These days, such foods have been difficult to be found . As of today, however, it becomes increasingly harder for people to obtain such foods.
People can use this facility to get rid of their disease People are able to receive medicinal treatments at the hospital.

Also, you should consider replacing the repetitive word 'facility' with some synonyms, which can be looked up online. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Should children, when they'll grow up, do same kind of jobs like their parents? - I have some doubts [6]

Hello Oathbinder

I rewrote some of the most awkwardly sounding sentences for you so that the text sounds better:

Even though many people do believe that they are in the position to choose what should be their children's professional career, I do not quite agree with this point of view. One of the reasons for this is that there is a rationale to think that children will be so much better off being encouraged to rely on their own judgments, when it comes to deciding on what kind of job they would like to do in the future. If, however, parents exercise too much control over their young ones' decision-making, in this respect, it will have a negative effect on the concerned adolescents' sense of responsibleness. Moreover, since people are different, this undermines the validity of the idea that children will be comfortable allowing their parents to make a career-choice for them. Therefore, the idea that there is nothing wrong about pressuring children to follow the footprints of the parents cannot be considered legitimate.

I hope this came of help. Regards.

Essays / Acceptable length of Introduction and Conclusion in an essay [3]

Hello offshorewriters

The size of Introduction and Conclusion usually depends on the paper's size-wise format. Still, when I write essays, I try to make sure that there are at least 150 words in the Introduction (it usually accounts for 5-6 sentences). In this part of the paper, you need to establish a thesis (main idea) that you will aim to explore. If there are more than 10 pages in the essay (275 words per page), then you may consider having 200-275 in the Introduction. Essentially the same principle applies to Conclusion - while writing it, you're expected to summarize the essay's main argumentative points. I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Comparison of Energy Production [3]

Hello Desty22

I rewrote some of the most awkwardly sounding sentences for you so that the text sounds better:

1. The picture shows the differences in energy-output in the years 1995 and 2005.
2. As it can be seen on it, in both years coal and natural gas accounted for the most extensively exploited sources of energy.
3. There was a slight rise in the usage of coal in the year 2005, as compared to what it used to be the case in the year 1995, with the percentile ratios amounting to 30.93% and 30.30%, respectively.

4. Throughout the period, the rate of petro-usage has fallen from 29.27% to 19.55%.

I hope that it'll come of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, children have less pressure than the past age and more of the life-advancing opportunities [2]

Hello angga93

You should consider applying a few stylistic corrections to the text. They are as follows:
in this globalising era in the era of Globalization
have pressured children more than they used to be in the past. exerts more pressure on children than it used to be the case in the past.

It is true that in recent age many children are striving to reach their bright future There can be only a few doubts that the realities of today's living present children with many challenges.

children in the past had experienced more social disturbances such as racial issue and lowborn family status. However, in the past, it used to be much harder for children to stay on the course of becoming socially prominent individuals, because they often had to face social and racial discrimination.

These days, many people have considered Nowadays, many people believe...
Compared to the past life which almost everybody can live only by traditional field work, in present the children have to prepare their future more carefully. As compared to what it used to be the case in the past, today's children must apply more effort in becoming the society's productive members.

average living cost the average cost of living
there are a lot of reason to say there are many reasons to believe
It is a common knowledge it represents a commonplace knowledge
For negroid children, For the children of color
this case was this time used to be
Not only that, homogenous society of the middle age also gave a huge pressure for the children.You should probably just remove this sentence altogether - it doesn't make any sense.

had no choice but worked hard had no choice but to work hard
it is evident that children in the past received much more pressure compared to today's kids by the presence of forced labour It is quite evident that, as of today, children are presented with a number of life-advancing opportunities, which simply did not exist back in the past.

I hope this will help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Travelling is a sweet escape from stressful life - and the best is sharing joy with a loving family [5]

Hello Kimgrey

I think your text is well-written. However, you could consider applying the following adjustments:

Thesethis essay
At this present time, there are lots of people who loves travelling to experience the worlds' amazing spots . - Nowadays, many people do travel a lot, as the mean of familiarizing themselves with the world's numerous wonders.

They choose to travel by themselves to have more time to think and explore different places - These people prefer to travel alone, so that they have more time to explore different places and to think of their experiences, in this respect.

j ournalist and w riters
being alone inon a trip
they find They found it safer - it safer
For instances, unexpected events happen along the way on their trip - For example, if an unexpected event takes place during their trip...

Regards.

Writing Feedback / Learning an another language offers an insight how people from overseas think and see the world [3]

Hello thiet sun

Below are some adjustments that I think you should consider applying:
gain understanding about the ways of thinking of the others, - to gain a better understanding of people's ways of life in foreign countries

compelled - mandatory
On the one hand, there are two main justifications for why learning a new language is useful for development of people's knowledge about the world. - There are two main reasons for people to consider learning a new language.

Firstly - First
to gain an insight about inhabitants in that country - when it comes to finding out more about the inhabitants of a particular country.
Secondly - Second
in which your horizons about other countries will be broadened. - something that will help one to broaden his or her intellectual horizons
are not enough necessary conditions both in resources and materials for teaching foreign languages - there is the lack of necessary teaching-resources

I hope this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL TASK: children prepare for adult life → do a part-time job [2]

Hello

Below are some stylistic adjustments that I think you should apply to the text:

of people's perception about work . - in people's perception of employment
even parents prefer to cultivate their kids to prepare for their future jobs - parents try to raise their children in the manner that would prepare the latter for a particular professional career in the future.

sparing - spare
So I agree - I do agree
to encourage - by encouraging
First of all, it is believed that doing a part-time job is of great assitance to arrange the schedule, which is helpful to prepare for adult life . - First, it is commonly believed that by having a part-time job, one will be much likely to develop time-managing skills, which in turn will help the concerned individual during the adulthood.

but they are also concerned about their family members . - but also to their family members
studying and working - study and work
awareness of finance - awareness of how finances work
It is a crucial choice - it is crucially important
to make money by themselves - to have their own sources of income

Also, I would recommend that you avoid the repetitive phrases, like 'to prepare for adult life'. You could say 'to prepare to what awaits for them in the future'.

I hope this came of help. Regards.

Essays / How to write a good outline of essay about Internet connecting people around the world? [4]

Hello kurniawanraju

I think, your Outline for the essay could be as follows:

1. Introduction - 275 words. (Here you introduce readers to the topic and stress out the sheer importance of the Interment, as the tool of bringing people together).

2. The social preconditions for the emergence of the Internet - 275 words (Here you discuss what made the emergence of the Internet possible, in the first place).

3. The Internet as the informational medium -275 words (Here you accentuate the Internet's ability to allow the virtually instantaneous transfers of information from one part of the world to another).

4. The Internet and the cross-border communication between people - 275 words (Here you specify the actual ways, in which the internet allows people to stay in touch, such as making it possible for them to join chat-rooms, etc.)

5. Conclusion - 200 words (Here you summarize the main points of your essay).

I hope that it came of help. Regards.

Book Reports / Interior monolog about a short story "Cat in the rain" [4]

Hello costyk1

I rewrote the monologue so that it sounds little better:

I think, my hair does not look so good at all. I stand in front of the mirror, arranging hair locks, and he is just laying on his bed, consumed with reading the book. Is he trying to tell me that this book is more important to him than his wife? If this is the case, it means that I am married to an ungrateful and selfish man. I thought of starting to get undressed so that he pays attention to me, but I now think that it would probably make more sense pouring some water on his head - maybe this will wake him to the reality of living a married life.

Writing Feedback / Clothes? There are more principal factors that should be considered before assessing people [2]

Hello putri22

I rewrote some of the main sentences so that they sound a bit more refined. You should be able to build more text around them:

The issue whether people should be judged on a basis of what they wear continues to strike much controversy. I personally believe that even though it is indeed important for us to pay attention to what we wear, it is utterly inappropriate to assume that one's worth is reflective of what happened to be his or her clothing. One of the possible reasons as to why the concerned practice (judging people by their looks) is still a commonplace occurrence, is that those who dress poorly are assumed to experience the shortage of money, which in turn is often taken as the indication of their lack of education. However, there can be only a few doubts that making opinions about people, solely with respect to how they look, is morally wrong. Therefore, remain a firm believer that the mentioned practice should be considered disgraceful.

I hope, this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / The media should focus on exposing ordinary people since it will bring benefits for humans [2]

Hello putri22

I think, it'll add to the text's quality if you rewrite some of the sentences, as suggested below:

1. Nowadays, Media tend to pay little too much attention to the private lives of celebrities. 2. However, this particular practice cannot be considered thoroughly appropriate, because it helps to divert people's attention from the social issues that do matter. 3. After all, there is a good reason to believe that, as a result of being exposed to the information about the private lives of celebrities, teenagers will have a harder time trying to adopt a socially responsible lifestyle.

As you can see, the reformulated sentences naturally derive out of each other, which in turn ensures the smooth flow of argumentative logic. The rest of the text could be readjusted in a similar manner. I hope, this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / It's evident that electronic devices influence the communication between societies when used wrongly [2]

Hello anita11

I think that the text will sound little better if some of the contained sentences are reformulated in the following manner:

1. The ongoing technological progress influences communication and interaction among people to an ever greater extent. 2. In fact, some individuals argue that... 3. I personally agree with this point of view, because there are indeed a number of indications that one's obsession with hi-tech gadgets is detrimental to the concerned person's ability to lead a socially integrated lifestyle. 4. The reason for this is that people's preoccupation with modern technology often causes them to choose in favor of living in the virtual reality. 5. Consequently, the concerned individuals grow increasingly incapable of taking care of their social responsibilities.

The rest of the text is Ok, but you could you use paying little more attention to the semantic connotations of some of the used words. For example, the phrase 'In addition, using gadget, computer and hand phone' isn't very refined, because computers and hand phones are also 'gadgets'. Other than that, your text does make a good argumentative point. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Starting a business, instead of trying to gain a job in an occupation (IELTS Task 2) [4]

Hello Anita11

I took it upon myself to fix the first paragraph in your text: 1. Unemployment is one of the crucial problems, faced by many countries. 2. This is the reason why it represents a common belief that people should seek to start a business of their own, instead of trying to secure a conventional job. 3. I personally think that there are indeed a number of benefits to such an option, which overweight the affiliated drawbacks. 4. The option's main downside has to do with the fact that becoming an entrepreneur is challenging in many respects - not the least because of the ongoing economic recession.

I did it to show you the strategy for simplifying sentences - this will make the text much more readable. I understand, you want to sound sophisticated, but I think it'll make much more sense if you focus on ensuring the text's clarity for now. In its turn, this can be accomplished if you remain observant of the 'cause-effect' principle while writing. That is, you should make sure that every sub-sequential sentence directly derives out of the previous one and defines the actual rationale for constructing the next one. Hopefully, you'll find this helpful. Regards.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the consumption of several fuels during a 200-year period is elicited on the graph [3]

Hello nsb

I think you should consider reformulating some of the sentences, so that sound a bit more stylistically refined. Sentence 1:It appears that, even though wood was the most popular type of fuelsinitially, its popularity declined sharply by the end of the period. Sentence 2: In contrast, there was an enormous rise in the usage of coal - despite the temporal reduction in the number of people using coal throughout the period's mid-part. . Sentence 3: In the year 1800, the number of people relying on wood, as the source of energy, appears to have accounted for 100%. Sentence 4: Throughout the course of the sub-sequential periods, however, the usage of wood has plummeted down to 5% and, as of 2000, it is no longer used as the source of energy on an industrial scale. The rest of sentences are Ok more or less, but you could use shortening/simplifying them. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Creative Writing: Descriptive Analysis of a Forest [2]

Hello RVINES

It is rather well written text. However, you should consider replacing some repeatedly occurring words with synonyms. For example, instead of using the word 'lush' for the second and third times, you could use 'exuberant' or 'luxuriant' - the text will sound much better that way. Also, some sentences sound a bit award, like the following : "These types of plant life prove as evidence that a warm and wet climate most likely exists in this photo's location ". You could reformulate this sentence to sound as follows: "Because of the surrounding scenery, there can be only a few doubts that we talk some warm and wet climate in the photo ". Another thing - many sentences in your text could be simplified, which will make them much more intelligible, like the following: "Calmness and serenity are a couple words that come to mind when I view this photo ". You could just say: "I when I look at the photo, I feel calm and serene". Overall, the text makes much sense - you should just go through it again and apply the suggested corrections. I hope, this came of help. W.

Writing Feedback / Healthcare, lack of money, school for kids - the percentage of problems facing by immigrants; IELTS1 [6]

Hello anita11

I think, the first paragraph will sound much better if rewritten as follows: "The displayed chart reveals the percentile ratio of problems, faced by immigrants, in relation to their age. As this chart reveals, most immigrants experience a number of financial and health-related challenges while trying to adapt to a new country. It is also rather clear that the concerned individuals do not think of the problem of trying to a suitable school for children to be quite as acute, as the rest". I think, you should consider using simpler sentences until you get a better grip on the language. Other than that, the text is easy to understand. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Including hard-working philosophy in a educational curriculum is the best way to get succes -IELTS 2 [2]

Hello Choirulmajdi
I just wanted to highlight a few errors in the text. First, you use the idiom 'a lot' a bit too excessively - it is more of a jargon actually, which means you should try to avoid using it in the written text. The word 'many' is much more appropriate. Second, there are a few words in your text that that appear to have been used in the wrong context. For example, instead of 'prosperity', you should have used 'wealth'. Also, it is stylistically awkward to say 'people get overwhelming prosperity'. You should consider 'people become enormously wealthy/rich' instead. Finally, try not using the same words (like 'people') too often. There are other terms that convey essentially the same meaning, like 'persons', 'individuals', 'citizens', 'folks'... I hope, this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / "Old is gold" - an old friend is definitely more important in life than a new friend [3]

Hello RachelG

I find your essay rather well written. Still, you could apply a few corrections. If you say 'on Earth' you should use a capital letter, because the reference is made to the planet. When you refer to the soil (as substance) than you say 'earth'. Also, you should consider eliminating the phrase 'It has also been scientifically proven' unless you want to substantiate this claim with the reference to some scientific study. If I were you, I would also remove the idiom 'First of all' for stylistic reasons. It would be much better if you say 'First - ' (argument), 'Second - ' (argument).. etc.). Finally, you could mention what is the main advantage of making new friends - it will add objectivity to your text. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Getting new job and having interview are linked as a common way within companies. [2]

Hello indah_hai

I think you can improve your text by reformulating some passive-voice passages in it. I rewrote two initial sentences so that you get a better idea as to what I mean. Sentence 1. It represents a commonplace practice with many companies to interview job-applicants, in order to test whether the latter are professionally adequate or not. Sentence 2. Even though there can be only a few doubts, as to the practice's validity, I believe that it is possible to increase the effectiveness of conventional approaches to hiring people. The point is - you should try making every sub-sequential sentence as concise, as possible. Hope, this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / A separate room for nicotine users may limit the bad effect of the cigarette smoke on non-smokers [3]

Hello Riiskacha03
It appears that your text could have benefited from being stylistically refined a bit more. For example, the introductory sentence can be reformulated to sound as follows: It now became a common practice in many countries to designate special areas in public places, where people are allowed to smoke cigarettes. Moreover, even though your text does mention some issues, associated with the subject matter at stake, it does not make much of an argumentative point. This, in turn, makes the beginning of the concluding sentence ('In conclusion') rather uncalled for - you have not explored the controversial aspects of the discussed issue, in order for your conclusion to be fully substantiated. Again, this is just my opinion. I hope you will find it helpful. Regards.

Writing Feedback / What Motivate People to Stay Longer in Particular Company? [2]

Hello nuni11

There are a few minor stylistic/grammar errors in the text, but they do not affect its readability too much. The argumentative points are well organized. It is much better of a text, as compared to the one submitted by you yesterday. Nevertheless, I think you should consider referring to the so-called Systems Theory, in order to substantiate your claims. The Theory's main provision - 'The whole is greater than the sum of its parts'. This is the reason why it is wrong to assume that employees working in the strong collaborative mode (teamwork) are motivated by the prospect of receiving a monetary reward alone. As an integral part of the team, an employee is often concerned with seeking emotional self-actualization - something that motivates him or her to remain professionally committed more than anything else does. This is why monetary incentives commonly prove ineffective when it comes to motivating employees.