Wolf Larsen
Aug 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 SEVERAL POINTS OF INTRODUCTION [2]
Hello Fazlur27
I rewrote some sentences for you so that they sound better (stylistically):
1.
Increasing world [...] The process of Globalization results in increasing the number of products made abroad, and establishing new transportation routes.
To address [...] While addressing the issue, I will elaborate on...
2.
These days [...] Nowadays, it became a commonplace practice in many countries to have children working for money.
However [...], there is a certain controversy to the issue - while some individuals argue that the concerned practice is thoroughly appropriate, others do not quite agree.
Therefore [...] I personally believe that being engaged in a paid job will prove utterly beneficial for children.
3.
Unpaid society attendance [...] Unpaid community service should indeed be mandatory in high schools.
To cite [...] Such service may include doing some charity work, teaching young children, and helping to improve the neighborhood.
I totally agree [...] You should consider removing this sentence - it's barely intelligible and it doesn't make any contextual sense either.
I hope this helped. Regards.
Hello Fazlur27
I rewrote some sentences for you so that they sound better (stylistically):
1.
2.
However [...], there is a certain controversy to the issue - while some individuals argue that the concerned practice is thoroughly appropriate, others do not quite agree.
3.
I hope this helped. Regards.