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Posts by Bams17 [Suspended]
Name: Bambang
Joined: Oct 1, 2016
Last Post: Nov 29, 2016
Threads: 28
Posts: 43  
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From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Lampung

Displayed posts: 71 / page 1 of 2
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Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / A perception of several people, that building new libraries is impractical and just waste money. [4]

Developing technology lead people to utilise the internet to...

this sentence contains several problems
1. confusing sentence because without punctuation
2. contains more than 2 verb in one sentence ( s + verb agreement) developing technology leads tu utillise/ to get/ after conjunction and i think that you explain the similar point before and after and.

3. the sentence is too long.

... spending much time to read some information on screen bring about worst ... (double verb again).

advice.
1. remember and pay attention about s+v agreement
2. punctuation
3. sentence form
4. control grammar
5. revise and learn again miss...

good job!
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Voluntary of Adult Youths for the Development Communities [4]

In society, young people frequently involve to ...

Before you give the state of your tend, you should give full paraphrase, after that give your tend state.

I totally agree that they should work voluntary than get ...

i think it is too long sentence and i know that you will make compound complex sentence but i suggest do not too long without punctuation.

But, they usually have ... So, young people who ...

avoid use word but in the beginning sentence and in both sentences you can make in one sentence it much better than you divide in two sentences but in the beginning sentence you use word SO.
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing test 2 (media prefer to make news about famous people such as actors, singers, etc) [3]

Nowadays, most of media prefer to make report news about ...

They decide to choose them because more ...

this sentence contain more than two verbs decide and choose as reference you can use decide choosing

involve in many activity are seldom to show, ...

miss spelling in celebrity's and contain more than two verbs again are, to show, prefer, to show.I suggest you that you should remember about the grammar rule and pay attention about the S + V AGREEMENT.

... but show unknown poepleMISS SPELLING AGAIN PEOPLE who has good ...
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Studying abroad is one of the best ways to experience the culture of a country [3]

Studying abroad is one of the best ways to experience the culture of a country, to acquire more knowledge, to get career opportunities and intercultural development and to discover new strengths.

Studying abroad is one of the best ways to get new experience about the culture of a country such as ,acquire more knowledge, career opportunities and intercultural development and to discover new strengths.

I believe it would be a good idea for this to be mandatory for university students.

unclear sentence >>> I believe that it will be good idea if the student having mandatory from university to learn about new culture of country.
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Study: The Rich Really Are More Selfish [3]

Pundits(who is pundid ??? make clear the speaker) said inhabitants who (...) wealthy counterparts, according fromaccording to the psychological studies.I think this form will ...

... "self-oriented behavior" miss spelling the correct one is BEHAVIOUR is more likely (...) higher educations, excelentmiss spelling again excellent jobs, high incomes, ...

The paper also claims that people with less education and less money...

confusing sentence I think this inappropriate between less many and generous

insert the source is necessary because we know the original text.

Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Unconscious brain training and the exposure therapy [3]

... usually utilized to treatedto always infinitive followed by verb 1 phobias, yet the result ...

1. less information i think that better if you complete this passage
2. try to write more length
3. insert the link
4. use conjunction to make smooth your passage
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many parents choose to teach their children at home since they think it helps in their growing time [4]

At present, many parents choose to teach their children at ...

this sentence contain more than one verb choose, teach, provide. I give you an example >> nowadays, many parents more like teaching their children at home........

Meanwhile, others argue, that it is a necessary for children to going to formal education place .

I believe that all of teaching methods are ...

vague again you can use an appropriate conjucntion for example I believe that all of teaching methods are useful for pupils and all of them have merits and drawbacks;however it depend on parents' problem solving skill.

I think that you should check in the next paragraph to enhance your skill.
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The media should bring more attention to commoners people news than the celebrities news. [4]

The news of celebrities always being the most reported in media and the opposite talks said that common people show is rare in media. ( double verb show and is)

The phenomenon must more attention to commoners ...

this sentence is quite confusing, it can be phenomenon as subject? I think that the appropriate subject is mass media.

My point of view said that the unknown people news ...

Directly write In my point of view unknown people news .......

Moreover, the celebrity news is important else for inspiring ...

if you want to contrast the state use However, therefore, in contrast etc.

[quote=yurikeyuri]Firstly, the entertainer news is important to entertain many .../quote]
again, in this sentence still make reader confused ( entertainer is person i think that the appropriate noun is entertainment, which is do not which it is.

Many celebrities have the modern style (...), beautiful jewelrymiss spelling jewellery which they have,
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Truth of Turkey and Tryptophan [9]

1. less information
2. try to write length because write length will find more problem in sentence and it will help you.
3. use conjunction each sentence to make smooth your writing such as while, however, on the other hand etc.
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / (summary Article) Apple Is Teasing a Black Friday Sale for the First Time in Years [4]

Last year Apple didn't proposed ...

you should use present tense in this form because it is about fact >>>>> every last year apple do not......

And Eventhough Apple sold more iPhones...

try to write length bro it sound like 2 sentence
make good flow and smooth use conjunction and subordinating conjunction
the examiner cannot assessment if you do not write more.

Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 ( numerous teachers who acceptance in ontario over 7-year period) [6]

As can be clearly seen, English-language teachers ...

it can be seen or you can use other word such as based on the data/ according to the data/ in the begining, stood at etc

... slighty rose in 2005 by 3 percent. (make clear 3 percent from what?) Furthermore, there was ...
try to make lenght sentence using compund complex sentence.

The graph also shows French-language teachers was fell ...

use subordinating conjunction to make smoothly your body such on the other side, in the other word etc.

1. make sure that our word is enough because I count your writing contain 138 word (need at least 150)
2. use compound complex sentence.
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Water Canary is Easily Future Devices [4]

The cholera is one of diseasediseases ( plural singular issue, on of always followed by plural) that is caused by water contaminated.

The previous device to test water contaminated has many disadvantages

I think that this is little confusing sentence did you mean a result of previous test shows that many disadvantages....

like"such as" you can use this word if you want mention many kinds of objects/noun/steps etc after it changes, ...
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / A big Radar created by China called FAST which can detect alien behaviour [4]

The biggest Radar in the world ready to catch alien signals.

Recently, Science developed rapidly. As evidence, there is a big Radar created by China called FAST (Five hundred metre Aperture Spherical Telescope) the radar located in remote area around mountains of Guizhou, China. This area was protected by technology which was can block cell phone signal or wifi, because signals can be causing trouble on the Radar system. The radar build in early 1960S with size of dish 500 metres, and across is about 200 metres. The function of Radar claim that it can detect alien behaviour by dish and telescope can focuses in other object, while the mirror panels receiver can move in conjunction. They have moving flexible to find out object in the sky.

Source: scientist
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Speaking like a leader is simple and easy to learn [2]

Speak like a leader

Simon Lancaster is TED speaker, he said that speaking like a leader was not hard, it was simple and easy learned. Recently, most of people in the several countries do not have good enough speaking, it was mainly because too difficult speaking in front of the audience and other reason was they do not know the way how to be a good speaker. On the other word, he said that there were six steps to learn speaking like a leader:

The first was three breathless sentences. This way was often used by leader when they speaks in front of the public. Three breathless sentences mean that we speak 3 sentences or we use three words with good voice in one breath. The second was three repetitive sentences in the main points. It mean emphasing the important points of the topic to convince the audience. For example, I will create a new a good life, new idea, new concept and new freedom for this countries, in the future. Next was three balancing statements. Most of leaders in the world always use balancing statements when they speaking in the public. Their statement do not blaming in one topic or one object but they use the balancing data or real case. For illustrates, the leader speaks about nowadays so they are not only talk about present time but also speaking about past time and future time it was because several people that was interesting topic. After that was rhyme. It was one of the important part in speaking, more people cannot use it because too hard creating the rhyme in the speaking. The next tips was Exaggeration or art of speaking, we can make up the sentences with good word and avoid the negative word, eventhought that was fake. The last was Methapor. It was make an interesting speaking with good word like idiom.

source: TEDx
Bams17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Pros and cons of the education system for kids in their home [2]

Nowadays, education system for kids ...

this is vague sentence because in one sentence consist of many verbs and only divided by comma without conjunction, the solution is you can divide to two sentences or create compound complex sentence (use conjunction and subordinating conjunction)

... gains this argument, and i believe that teaching kids in school makes them to have good communicate it is verb if you will change to noun use COMMUNICATION, they can more regulate ...

notice the red one which is I mark, I is subject and makes is your verb in S + V AGREEMENT (I YOU THEY WE always use plural verb and plural verb usually without s >>> make = plural verb, >>> makes= singular verb.

you can revise and learn by your self.

good job.
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Food, housing, and transportation became the primary needs in four nations during 2009 [2]

A comparison of people's spending in four different ...

In this state you do not need comma and you should ensure what forms your data. Is that table, bar chart or pie chart. I think that your data this moment is bar chart do not table.

As a general trend, most of expenditures in the UK ...

vague sentence change with " generally, most of expenditures in the UK,US, and Canada were spent on accommodation" pay attention with punctuation and co location spent always followed by ON.

Food, housing, and transportation became [...] largest proportion while Japan as the least.
in this part you should breakdown more details including number and use varieties grammar such comparison.

Look at the detail, health care and dress needs had the smallest proportion below one in ten. Even for Japan, both categories stand at under 5 percent. Meanwhile, the UK expenditure for keeping health facilities was only at 1 percent.
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children are struggling more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. [3]

In the present, kids are focused at ...

I think there is something problem with this state you should make clear ( kids are focused at more or kids have more pressure) because the meaning entirely different and in your sentence use passive voice so it will leads vague.

There are several factors which are causes this problems (adjective clause after which need verb) , for instances (need comma) education system and ...

This problems must be reduce with give freedom ...

this sentence contain double verb - this problems must be reduce with giveby giving freedom (...) their passion or activities hobbies.

you can create compound complex sentence in this state by use subordinating conjunction "BECAUSE"
>>>> ..............causes more pressure for children. They have been faced in a reality based.............................

... understand about that. And In the end, they ...
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recently, large number of children have a common problem called an unhealthy lifestyle. [2]

Nowadays, the number of kids are having an unhealthy behaviour. While, responsibility for solving this problem are both education institution and parents and I agree both equal.

Recently, large number majority of children have similarities problem called unhealthy lifestyle. As we know that unhealthy lifestyle have many varieties but the most common is food. This is mainly because kids often eat in the food store or in the school than in the home. Reviewing the food which is sell in the store there is no guaranty that the food is healthy. Therefore, common people said that food in the several stores is unhealthy. Although children often buy food in the store, parents can stop it and change the bad activities with a new way. Parents can provide food to the children before they go to school and bring it, after free time in the school they can eat food which is bringing from the house.

Next, based on the research of Kompas news, children more spend their time on the school, so we can imagine that one of the effect unhealthy behaviour is come from school. In this point, education institution has big chance to control the children. Usually many unhealthy foods around the school which is free sale without consider about the negative effect. Consequently, school should give pay attention to the seller and give information to the student that one of unhealthy lifestyle come from food which is causing many diseases such as overweight, diabetes, and stroke.

To sump up, unhealthy lifestyle of children can be faced by both school and parents. I hope in the future rate of unhealthy behaviour can be reduced by both of them.

280 WORD.
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary TED) A temporary tattoo that brings hospital care to the home [5]

Todd Coleman as Bioelectronics innovator and TED' speaker who explain about new technology which has many advantages.

this sentence can be divided two sentence alfin, first you can use simple present to mention speaker occupation, because fact so you can use simple present. ( Todd Coleman is a Bioelectronic innovator bla bla bla...

It just like temporary tatoo but flexible electronic health monitoring patient in everyhere.

to make compound sentences you need 2 independent sentences each sentence has VERB.

It can monitoring, human temprature, hearth rate. It can help doctor to monitoring and give suggestion to patient. This is revolutionary health care and make medicine less invasive.

CHECK AGAIN AND RIVISE ALFIN

GOOD JOB.
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Franchise plays an enormous role in Indonesia [5]

Nowadays, franchise plays(s + agreement issu, remember that singular noun always use singular verb and plural as well) an enormous role in Indonesia. This is because thisthe activity can offer the benefit ofcolocation issu the corect colocation is for employment opportunities ...

Subsequently, this results in strengthening ...

there is no verb in this sentence

Taking Baba Rafi as an example, at this present time, it has successfully ...

this is confusing sentence did you mean: take it Baba Rfi as sample, it has been successfully growing up and it had more 1,200 outlets.

I cannot give more advise because it better when you directly revise
1. s +v agreement
2. colocation
3. use conjunction to make smoothly writing.

good job!
break a leg bro
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / List of problems people face being abroad - it's similar for all ages [2]

sorry i cannot show the graph because question in the book

The bar chart presents information about the trouble which are people facing when they live in over seas measured by precenrage. Overall, it can be seen that generally all ages have similarities problems, not only that but also the data shows that finding school always become lowest.

Moving to the sorting out finances, in the aged 18-34 the majority of people more get problem in sorting out finances around 34% than other; however in the next age sorting out health care always increase slight at 37 in 35-54 ages and 39 in 55 over. In addition, people get more problem when they are in 35-54 ages such as sorting out finances at 35, sorting out healthcare at 37 and finding schools for children at 19.

On the other hand, finding school for children is the third problem as common people, they stood at 7 in 18-34 ages but in the 35-54 dramatically increase by 12 from 7. More over, this problem become not seriouse problem in ages 55 over. It is mainly because in this age the trend plunged dramatical at 35-54 and decline in the 55 age or over.

190 word
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The % of national shares spent on food, accommodation, transportation, health care and clothing [2]

... is shown in theclocation issuepassive voice always followed "by" bar graph.

Overall, it can be seen that housing was the highest spending ...

this is confusing sentence, make clear your sentence, for example overall, it can bee seen that the biggest is..... while the lowest is....

First of all, the United States (...) proportion around 15 percent for food

i think that you should concentrate see the data because you wrong get the data.

then Japan getting 3 percent higher than the UK.

there is no verb in this sentence.

1. focus on s + v agreement
2. focus on data
3. check or ensure before uploaded
Bams17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, dance is known as a social dance and as a connectivity. Summary TED [2]

Social dance

Camille A. Brown is a Choreographer and educator. She became speaker in TEDx in 2016 and she said that dance was language because dance express social community. In the past, dance was depicted as social community which was dealing on social activities such as , cultures, and social life, because society in the past people express their activities with dance such as farm, freedom, colonialism and more. Interestingly, each dance had own step and every step had own meaning, for instance, when people happy, freedom, and sad, they had different steps each other and had, not only that but also dance can remembered the history. Take it sample, African dance has similarities as american dance so we can say that american influenced African cultures. Present circumstances were always related in the past ;therefore every dance had own history. Nowadays, dance known as social dance and as connectivity.

Source: ted
Bams17   
Nov 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Finland to set become the first country to ban coal to use for energy [3]

Finland to set become the first country to ban coal to use for energy.

Recently, Finland government releases news that Finland has been ready to ban coal as their energy. It is because the coal is predicted will disappear from market in 2030, not only that but also using of coal has been decline in Finland starting from 2010. Although ban the coal as their energy source, Finland does not spontaneously leave it, but smoothly move away and try to discover renewable energy such wind power energy. This concept gets good response from others countries such as UK , Australia and The Netherlands. Those country will phase coal out within 10 up to 15 years. Consequently, as coal substitution, countries have to discover a renewable energy resources.

Source: newscientist
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / From an accident to conclusions.. summary ted physical therapy [2]

Physical therapy bored : instead game.

Cosmin Mihaiu has been an Physical therapy entrepreneur and he became TEDx speaker in 2015. He has bad experience when he was child. Long time ago he liked hide and seek game but one day when he played that game they got accident. They fell and got injury. Eventually, their parents give them physical therapy to recovery their body. He fell that the method does not effectively working because the progress too long and he said that traditional physical therapy confusing and boring. Every day they should be doing same activities to recovery their injury. Therefore they creates new physical therapy right now. As physical therapy trainer he innovate the method and try to make something new which is gives happiness during the therapy.

Finally the method is discovered, as he said that the method consist of modern technology and audio visual within one package game. To illustrates, the patient will play game witch dealing on injury. To operate the game patient need moved their body and the game has been setting to encourage the patient moving their body which is injury. Take it sample the patient have hand injury. The game which appropriate to recover their hand is honey bee obstacle. The honey bee in the games will fly and face more obstacle before getting honey and mission the patient is help honey bee to avoid the obstacles. The rule is rise their hand to up and downing their hand to down. When the patient rise their hand the honey bee will up and if the hand down they will down as well.
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pie chart depicts the main three reasons which led to the degradation of agriculture in the 90's [6]

The pie chart depicts gives information the main three main reasons: overgrazing, over-cultivation, and deforestation which leads to the degradation ...
The table illustrates three regions, North America, Europe and Oceania ... . Overall, as we can see that the percentage of over-grazing is the highest, and Europe experienced land degradation most.

Looking atin the first chart, 35% of land ...
... a major percentage of 28% of farmland degradation ...
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Where all inventors come from? The education background is an important aspect. [2]

Inventions and the education background

Recently, invention is the most popular thing in the world. It is because technology always developed rapidly. Many inventors try to discover new invention every day which is come from multi background education, even people said that inventors as doctor are not essential to civilisation. From this view I consider that background education is important aspect.

Nowadays, many researchers come from low education, but they can prove that they eligible and can find new invention. On the other side, there is no regulation which is say that inventors should be doctor because every body has similar right in particular inventors. To instance, in Indonesia there are inventors come from less education people but in the reality their invention offers easiest to the human life. I can say that as common people think, their invention will be accepted in civilisation and will be acknowledged. As a result all people can be inventor.

However, personally I consider that education is the most critical aspect should be inventors have. It is because education will leads inventor to conduct routinely research to find out new invention. In this case in particular are doctors. Usually doctors will give big impact to the society with their invention and knowledge. The doctors conduct research and give knowledge to the civilisation such as seminar, training, or coaching. Those are easy as doctors because the things are entirely appropriate with their profession.

To sump up, background education in particular doctors is important to society because the invention should be find regularly and the society need knowledge from the inventors and the doctor is an appropriate people to do it.

269 word.
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Positive Impact on The Walking Activity [6]

One of the daily activity ACTIVITIES EVERY ONE OF ALWAY FOLLOWED BY PLURAL of some people is ...
This activity makes the negative influence IMPACT in healthy of someone which IS many diseases like SUCH AS breast cancer and colon (...), and type two TWO TYPES diabetes which the percentage ... (AGAIN TOO LONG SENTENCE)

Therefore , ( IT IS ONLY FOR CONTRASTING) the one and main solution ...
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / The new appearance of The Canada transition out of coal-powered electricity by 2030 [6]

Canada has thea ( article using) plan to reduce (...) power in 2030. (this sentence is too long you need divide to two sentences) with accelerating from existing ...

They THERE are two option OPTIONS (PLURAL SINGULAR ISSUES) which will give to the four ... (AGAIN TOO LONG SENTENCES)

... by 10 percent in 2030. the use of the Canada I THINK BETTER WHEN YOU USE GERUNG " USING OF BLA BLA BLA' Infrastructure Bank's public-private funding ...
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Global trade of hybrid vehicles between 2006 and 2009 [4]

Global trade of hybrid vehicles between 2006 and 2009

The information about global trade of hybrid vehicles between 2006 and 2009 is presented by bar chart. Overall it can be seen that the US always be the biggest trade during the periode except in the last period.

In 2007, rate of trade in the US was the biggest point at 350,000 ;however in the next year it was slight increase by 30,000 in 2008 from 350,000. Interestingly, in the last period vehicles sell in the Us was quite similar as rate in the first period, those were 250,000 in 2006 and 280,000 in 2009.

On the other word, both of japan and other had similar rate in the first year at 50,000 in 2006. In the next 2 years, they had similar pattern that was increase slightly. Strikingly, in the last period japan extremely increase and it reach bigger than the US at 340,000 in the same peiode in 2009. This was the best achievement in japan, while the other still stable between 2008 and 2009.

167 word
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Exercise writing test 2 (Inventors are not as important to society as doctors, Agree or disagree) [6]

In the past, numerous inventions ... ( INVENTION DISCOVERED INVENTION IT SOUND LIKE ORANGE EATS ORANGE I THINK THAT BETTER WHEN YOU CHANGE WITH THE INVENTION WAS DISCOVERED BY INVENTORS) ,

We should give many achivements DID YOU MEAN WADGES/SALARY?? to inventors, such as (...) company which IS produced several revolutionary product).
... nowadays most of people don't DO NOT have handphone or computer, even electric can't CANNOT BE used by people.
Bams17   
Nov 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / The total demand on hybrid vehicles in 2009 was twice as much as three years earlier [7]

Overall, the total sales in 2009 were the twice amount of the total sales in 2009 sorry i don't understand in this sentence and it you should make clear where is "it" reverse to .... includes the upward trend. i saw that this trend irregular pattern sometimes down and up, make sure about the trend.

which it is has the highest number of sales ...
Bams17   
Nov 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Why you should care about whale poo [2]

Why you should care about whale poo

Asha de Vos was whale protector and she became TEDx speaker in 2015. She said that Blue Whale became extinct because many people caught and made it as fish oil or fish production. People should aware that blue whale could hold environmental destruction. Whale conservation discovered that whale was sea engineer, because whale have two kinds of advantages to maintain sea habitat. The first was their poop can stimulate plankton to life and breeding, and the second was their carcass could be eaten by other creatures surrounding them. On the other word, they are nomadic animal usually they migrate approximately 16,000 miles each year between feeding and breeding, and back in the last year so this animal was vulnerable to disappear. We could prevent blue whale from extinction and the clearly way was conservation. Not only that but also we need revise our modern problem to stop throwing rubbish in the sea and fishing net the Blue Whale. We have to protect the blue whale because the true ecosystem was valuable.

Source: ted
Bams17   
Nov 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bleached corals in the Pacific have started bouncing bac [3]

The scientists make a researchabout coral around the island of Kiritimati and proved the coral about 85 percent was dead, 10 percent was sick and bleached, but only 5 per cent was doing okay.

THE SCIENTIST CONDUCT RESEARCH ON .............AND THE RESULT IS..........BUT ONLY 5 PERCENT IS IN GOOD CONDITION.

It occurred because of hot water phenomenon from El Nino. >>> PASSIVE VOICE (S+be+v3) it is occured because.....EL NINO HOT WATER PHENOMENON

... influence to change weather worldwide and also made global warming effect which ... . THIS SENTENCE IS TOO LONG YOU CAN DEVIDE BY 2 SENTENCE. YOU CAN MAKE NEW SENTENCE FROM WHOM I MARKED THE RED ONE.

Meanwhile, the coral SINGULAR NEED VER SINGULAR species are IS able to rebound and...
Bams17   
Nov 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sumarry TEDx How we will find life on other planet [2]

How we will find life on other planet

Aomawa shields is astronomer from University of Washington. On TEDx 2014, she was as a speaker. She said that there was water in our earth therefore there was life in our planet. Every places containing water can be predicted that there was life in that place. Recently, the result of Universe research shows that the materials in others planets have different kinds. Take it sample Venus, this planet has temperature surface 600 degrees Fahrenheit which was can melt a metal. On the other word, the place can be living should has atmosphere because it is the crucial items as balancing climate. Next speaker claim that characteristic of planet which is can be lived at least quite similar as earth. Another example was Glaces 7667 C planet 23 light way from earth, in this planet detected there was water on the surface. In the end, she believe that there was another one universe which is can be lived.
Bams17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK ONE IELTS ACADEMIC WRITING LINE CHART [4]

The line chart shows information about total of amount of money a city council presented to the book clubs during four year measured by pound sterling. Overall, it can be seen that total of money which is given by city council always bigger than total of the book clubs.

Total money stood at 20,000 in the first year after that increase steadily by 3,000 in the second year from 20,000 followed by dramatic raise in the third year and peak at 40,000. However, in the last period the trend change decline dramatically by 37,000.

On the other word, books club has reversed pattern with total money pattern. First of all, the data of book groups stood at 6000, then in the next year slight decline by 5000. In the third years, book clubs rise significantly by 10000. In addition, trend of book clubs always increase from the last 2 years and reached at 12000 in the last period.
Bams17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The amount of money which was given by city council and destined for members of books club [6]

1. The graph ilustrates the amount of money ... (need to pharaprase)

2. After that, followed rose [...] gradually until fourth year.(again in this part you only need put the interesting one phenomenon from the data)

3. ... to second year increase (INCREASED) by 2.500 and rose (...) in third year NEED COMMA but unfortunately ...

4. ... of members (MEMBER WHAT ) between first (...) decreaseDECREASED slightly from 15.000 ...
In fourth year members MEMBERS WHAT peak at 30.000.
Bams17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Relation of The Amount of Money and The number of Book Club Members [4]

1. The line graph shows the amount ... Overall, the two graphs ...( i think that this meaning different from the original state, pay attention with your pharaprase and in overview you should put the interesting one phenomenon)

2. The first line graph informs about the money which has given by the ... ( try to review again i think that this sentence confusing)
The extremely >>>( increase extremely ) increase (which one increasing ???) by 15 thousand (...) to third year (s+v agreemen). The graph not only always increase in each year, but also decrease in fourth year at 35 thousand pounds. the graph not only increase, but also (s+v)......
Bams17   
Nov 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Information on the total number of fish caught and total number of fishing vessels used in Westhaven [3]

The data give information about total of fish catch and total of fishing vessel used in Westhaven during 2008 to 2011. Overall, it can be seen that every total of fish caught increased the number of fishing boats rose as well.

First of all, the first bar chart shows that during the time rate of tuna fish caught increased dramatically from 83 in 2008 to 110 in 2011. In the last period caught of tuna reached the highest value at 110. On the other word, rate of swordfish caught increased steadily by 100 in the fisrt two period, but their point decrease in the next period in 2010 at 78.

On the other hand, the second data shows that the biggest total of fishing vessel was in 2011 at 79; while the lowest point was in 2010 at 48. Not only that, but also there was fascinating phenomenon, it was in 2008 total swordfish 83 and total fishing boat was 50, then in 2009, number of swordfish was 100 and number of fishing vessel was 55, it mean that every fishing boat increased total of swordfish rose as well.

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