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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 395)

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business and technology for China (educational interests and goals - UMN)

5 - Thanks, I know, I will provide some more specific examples, like hte "solar power panal", etr......

Undergraduatezealzou - Sep 19, 2009 / zealzou - Sep 24, 2009
"What do you do for the pleasure of it?" MIT Short Answer

6 - I liked the first one better then the second one. It draws you in, unlike the second response which...

Undergraduatefbs801 - Sep 19, 2009 / vip747 - Sep 27, 2009
Why Duke? (landscape, architecture, sports programs, and excellent academics)

3 - You've made the common mistake of taking the question too literally. Duke does not need you to tell them...

Undergraduatebstrickland91 - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 19, 2009
'Finally!' - Common Application Essay (significant experience)

6 - definitely needs to be more meaningful. and the beginning needs to have more spark!...

UndergraduateBoNyKiD07 - Sep 18, 2009 / songbird91 - Sep 29, 2009
"What makes Stanford a good place for you?" - LAST STANFORD ESSAY

3 - I like the overall approach. My only concern is that it answers the question of "why do you want...

Undergraduatetdai698 - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 18, 2009
"well-rounded person" - FSU entrance essay

8 - It's easy to forget the big picture when your daily life is packed with academics and athletics. Every college...

Undergraduatejodim10 - Sep 18, 2009 / jodim10 - Sep 19, 2009
"to expand these values" - Florida State Entrance Essay

5 - I agree with the other feedback. Those reading these applications know what the prompt is and what the words...

Undergraduateseanylax21 - Sep 18, 2009 / heddergirl723 - Sep 21, 2009
Undergraduate Albany Medical School Admissions Essay

5 - I most certainly can EF_Sean! I'll get to work ASAP Thanks a lot for that!...

Undergraduatedj1126 - Sep 18, 2009 / dj1126 - Sep 18, 2009
"My future college experience" - on Application to UF

4 - Each person has some quirk that makes them completely unique. These discrepancies aren't always noticeable, but sometimes they are...

Undergraduateelanners - Sep 18, 2009 / melyxoxo - Sep 18, 2009
"to make it worth wild" - University of Central Florida Essay

8 - Ah, too bad you got to that one before me, Liebe. I was really looking forward to punning...

Undergraduatemelyxoxo - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 18, 2009
UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill

10 - I preferred your original version. The introduction was stronger, as it went into more detail about the narrative incident....

UndergraduateDJKessler - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 27, 2009
Essay on Programming - Carnegie Mellon Supplement

5 - You have that part right. You peeked and were surprised. You remain impressed. The tense problem is earlier...

Undergraduatemacca - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 18, 2009
Common App - Influential Person (My teacher and the Humanities

4 - yes a little to wordy you need to be short and simple but overall good essay...

UndergraduateJulietTheSpooky - Sep 17, 2009 / queela09 - Oct 5, 2009
"to be a Seminole" - FSU ESSAY

15 - K, I don't know what that was all about, so let's move on, woah amie. The first paragraph...

Undergraduatewoah_amie - Sep 17, 2009 / Jeannie - Sep 17, 2009
From a public school to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school - I need a simile

10 - Ah, I suppose it would be funny if it were read as a deliberately exaggerated satire. Problem with that...

Undergraduatesongbird91 - Sep 17, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 18, 2009
Schreyer Honors College , Number 3 among the 3 questions that you have to submit

4 - i think your looking way into this prompt. close your eyes and really think about it. Tell us about...

Undergraduatedoyoung220 - Sep 17, 2009 / asianbaybay - Sep 17, 2009
common appl short answer on martial arts

6 - Overall, a very fun essay to read. Just edit the things the others want you to fix and you're...

Undergraduatel3goals12 - Sep 17, 2009 / dj1126 - Sep 19, 2009
History Will be Kind to me for I intend to write it. Cornell Supplement Essay.

18 - change no churchill... to nay churchhill...

Undergraduatejemma2011 - Sep 17, 2009 / vlatski - Oct 3, 2009
QB: Traveling & Running

4 - During most of my high school career I let my body become a decrepit thing while nurturing my mind....

Undergraduatekenziii - Sep 16, 2009 / macca - Sep 18, 2009
Why GWU, Any comments?

4 - Invest in a little research about the university before you write about why it is a good fit for...

Undergraduatearthur3259 - Sep 16, 2009 / Moonshadow0302 - Sep 18, 2009
Living with ADHD (Essay for UF)

2 - You've got the makings of a very strong essay here. Your story is compelling and you tell it with...

UndergraduateAbraham Pineda - Sep 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 16, 2009
UCF ENTRANCE (family history, culture, enviornment)

5 - Explain more of how you changed since you've moved. Good essay though....

UndergraduateErickCo19 - Sep 16, 2009 / Amichaelg91 - Sep 20, 2009
About dancing - 150 word essay on extra curriculars

5 - ^I think that with my revisions, you should be able to come across as more modest and humble...

Undergraduatesk2009 - Sep 16, 2009 / Liebe - Sep 17, 2009
Why I am interested in becoming a nurse - send me your opinions

5 - Nelson Mandela once said, "If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his...

Undergraduatemayrab1 - Sep 16, 2009 / mayrab1 - Sep 16, 2009
Most significant challange - Short essay, 200-250 words

7 - That "I switched my sprint to a walk" thing was a mistake. I'll correct it. Thanks for the note...

Undergraduateeclipze - Sep 16, 2009 / eclipze - Sep 16, 2009
A passion for reading, writing, and science - MIT short essay

4 - I see now that I should be including details. How silly of me lol. Thanks! I'll do a rewrite...

Undergraduateeclipze - Sep 16, 2009 / eclipze - Sep 16, 2009
Common App - Short Essay (Yoga)

9 - Yoga Workshop; BE PATIENT, EVALUATE YOUR RESULTS As you get better at a particular aspect while running your...

Undergraduateshelby_l - Sep 15, 2009 / HassieAhumada - Mar 13, 2013
"To succeed, to leave the world a bit better" - FSU admissions essay

3 - Sean is right. You need to start over. Start where you now conclude: By this, I don't...

Undergraduatecatagon - Sep 15, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 15, 2009
"my abilities and talents" - UT Austin statement of purpose.

4 - Use hyphens: well-deserved eighteen-hour days Imagine that, a perfectly healthy kid being encouraged by his seemingly disadvantaged father....

Undergraduatehakimhusein - Sep 15, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Apr 6, 2010
"The future / Community service" - U of I Short essays

6 - These are stronger. You could make them even better if you tried replacing some of the weak verbs you...

Undergraduatedfudali - Sep 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 21, 2009
This will lead to my success at UCF - need some help

3 - Use narrative anecdotes. Recount stories about your experiences that show what you currently only tell....

Undergraduateespnking191 - Sep 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 15, 2009
PEOPLE CHANGES THEIR JOB AND PLACE REGULARLY DUE TO CAREER. DISCUSS

6 - I wrote the story above originally in Hindi for some young friends in India. This was a few months...

Undergraduateniraj - Sep 15, 2009 / Rajiv - Sep 16, 2009
"extenuating circumstances" - Rough Draft..

6 - "College is what I do, cheerleading is what I do, but its not who I am." The question...

UndergraduateRani27 - Sep 14, 2009 / macca - Sep 18, 2009
RISD: Extended Rough Draft; I am an Oyster.

3 - I like the overall theme, but the essay begins to go astray when you go into details about your...

Undergraduateamylilkim - Sep 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 14, 2009
I am a Hispanic Resident Alien; Family History topic for UCF

7 - This is such a great improvement from the first essay. Your diction is good and your story is intriguing....

Undergraduatesteph817 - Sep 14, 2009 / rmoffatt2010 - Sep 29, 2009
'a good mechanic' - The Ohio State University admissions essay (engineering)

5 - Thanks for your input, ill re-write/re-phrase parts and try to make it more interesting for the reader and post...

Undergraduaterzehnder - Sep 14, 2009 / rzehnder - Sep 19, 2009
'Some may call it a passion' - FSU essay vires

7 - ^It depends on what it is about......

Undergraduatesportytwin77x - Sep 14, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 14, 2009
"Being a Beijing Yatou..." [university of michigan (diversity)]

5 - ^I've traveled with my parents... Did you travel to quench your desire for traveling or was it more...

Undergraduatejyxff - Sep 14, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 14, 2009
"I thank God for each one of my blessing" - University of Michigan essay

4 - thank you so much for your help. it's nice to get another opinion on such a topic without showing...

Undergraduatenjviking2010 - Sep 14, 2009 / njviking2010 - Sep 14, 2009
UC prompt 1 - how Scouting has shaped who I am today

5 - If you want to include some reflection on the importance of Scouting, you could do so after opening with...

Undergraduatekhoi1092 - Sep 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 14, 2009
'She did not stop me then' / 'Harry Potter' - Uchicago extended essays

6 - Lol yeah. I didn't really mean it seriously. Harry Potter will always be a good bedtime read for me...

Undergraduatepurplesocks - Sep 13, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 14, 2009
"my time studying physics" - Stanford short essay- intellectual vitality

3 - I will try and tighten it up tonight/tomorrow, as well as change up my wording in the beginning. ...

Undergraduatekart00cj - Sep 13, 2009 / kart00cj - Sep 14, 2009
Univeristy of Texas Essay- Essay E

4 - New and Improved version When you ask a person my age, why did you vote for the person...

Undergraduateredsox099 - Sep 13, 2009 / redsox099 - Sep 14, 2009
"Use you have put your earnings to" - Short Answer Questions

3 - I think these answers are fine....

Undergraduatetkkt1 - Sep 13, 2009 / Liebe - Sep 14, 2009
"Success doesn't come to you" - UCF Essay

4 - Look over your comma usage, some points have commas where there should be a conjunction....

Undergraduatewoah_amie - Sep 13, 2009 / BoNyKiD07 - Sep 13, 2009
"ainy Monday summer morning" - Common Application Essay - topic of choice

2 - I did not feel... It is too early... Do you see the problems -- one grammatical, the other...

Undergraduateiceyjammie - Sep 13, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 14, 2009
'Salvadoran culture and multiculture' - UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN---diversity

4 - ^I would think that you were either assigned the book or that you chose to read the book...

UndergraduateMercyme90213 - Sep 13, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 14, 2009
An 18-month Vacation-an FSU essay

5 - Good Job! I like the way you write the last sentence in paragraph two: "This experience was a key...

UndergraduateKClevel17 - Sep 13, 2009 / Kelz0 - Sep 14, 2009
'Acting like an adult' - Florida A meaningful experience..

4 - wow! great essay. it was definitely interesting, compared to some other UF essays i was reading a little while...

Undergraduatekma721 - Sep 13, 2009 / Lorena21 - Oct 4, 2009
Intro to CommonApp Essay "Evaluate a significant experience & its impact on you"

11 - Okay so I thought I'd put up the first intro I came up with just to see which one...

UndergraduateJDBorough2150 - Sep 13, 2009 / JDBorough2150 - Sep 13, 2009
"develop expanded thought" - UT admission essay

3 - Yea i was afraid that i was going too far beyond the real problem. I just wanted to make...

Undergraduatecbun - Sep 13, 2009 / cbun - Sep 13, 2009
Common App Essay for Cornell about Myself?

14 - Hehe.. maybe nothing will happen.. so try to remember something.. even if you were young...

UndergraduateBoNyKiD07 - Sep 13, 2009 / Mayada - Sep 20, 2009
Her Struggle, a poor Haitian teenager - UCF

4 - It seems like you have a rich history base, but this is all about your mother. The prompt is...

Undergraduateascholaruknow - Sep 13, 2009 / kenziii - Sep 16, 2009
Common Application Essay on Cousteau

4 - Yay, minimal redraft: 'What Lies Beneath' Jacques-Yves Cousteau. To many, maybe just a name. However, to me,...

UndergraduateUgla - Sep 13, 2009 / Ugla - Sep 20, 2009
Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person

11 - I apologize.. I should have quoted the whole sentence then, lol. Sorry anyway.. As you might have noticed,...

Undergraduatejiaxing - Sep 13, 2009 / Mayada - Sep 13, 2009
Cornell Engineering Essay - Aircraft doors

4 - Nice start, but it's too long of a sentence to start by.. Oh Gosh engineering is...

Undergraduatejake_c - Sep 13, 2009 / Mayada - Sep 13, 2009
Essay on Science (to pursue the proposed field of study)

3 - This is a very likable essay, as Ugla said. However, try to give the ending more emotional power....

Undergraduateeternal flame - Sep 13, 2009 / creampuffs - Sep 13, 2009
Common app essay about AMERICAN CREAM PUFFS!

14 - In the paragraph about Edna, make sure you mention that she scooped snow into her hands. It sounds like...

Undergraduatecreampuffs - Sep 12, 2009 / dancer2010 - Sep 20, 2009
I learned to enjoy spending hours after school running and spending time with my team mates

7 - I'd like to see this read a little more like a narrative than a chronology. Cross country is *tough*....

UndergraduateProcterSilex - Sep 12, 2009 / Notoman - Sep 17, 2009
Common App Topic of Choice Essay "tumbling down the rabbit hole"

2 - ^It may have potential to be good if you can work on the analogy. Your analogy as it...

Undergraduateioannidis007 - Sep 12, 2009 / Liebe - Sep 13, 2009

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