Writing Feedback / IELTS: People in big cities are facing many health challenges due to a high level of air pollution [3]

When there is no emotion involved in the original statement (e.g. controversially), there is no need to state the topic in an exaggerated manner in the restatement. Since this has to be an academic presentation of the original prompt, you do not need to use sensationalist terms in an effort to increase your LR score. Trigger words (controversially) are not required in an academic opinion presentation. You were asked direct questions in the original prompt, these require direct responses in the restated section because your responses to the questions will be used to measure how well you understood the discussion topic, questions, and your ability to properly respond to the same. English comprehension skills must be evident in this paragraph.

You tend to use non-academic terms in your essay such as "etc." which reduces the C&C abilities of your presentation. Always bear in mind that this is an academic paper, not a casual blog or discussion among friends. Always write for your target audience who are, in this case, academics and fellow students.

Your causes and solutions paragraph have too many causes, but not enough explanations for each cause. The discussion is imbalanced. Use one topic or 2 related topics in the paragraph that can use the same examples and explanations so that the C&C score will not be lowered due to under developed explanations.

Letters / Biotechnology Engineering - Applying to SINReM Erasmus Mundus Programme - Motivation letter [2]

Remove the third paragraph in this presentation. That is information that should be in the statement of purpose as a part of your foundational education that prepared you to perform professionally and also, take this masters course. The essay will flow much more smoothly, as a motivational letter, if you remove that paragraph. It shows a clear intention for your studies and the motivation that drove you to pursue these advanced courses. However, the essay still requires additional information.

The problem that I see with this essay is that it does not include reasons why you have chosen a particular university to study at. Though you are interested in the scholarship program, you need to prove a motivation for studying abroad as well. Start with your choice of university and how those relate to your future career plans. How were you motivated to choose the country? Finally, explain why you believe that studying in Europe is enough of a motivation for you to do better in your career.

Scholarship / Statement of Purpose_ Erasmus + EPOG Joint Master's Degree Programme [2]

There is no evidence of you having an interest in learning about Economics in a manner that is not academically inclined. I think you did not understand the meaning of the word "heterodox". The word is defined as; "not in accordance with established or accepted doctrines or opinions, especially in theology; unorthodox.". You were not able to imply an ability to learn in an informal setting or, beyond the preset norms for economic theories and applications. Overall, this essay is simply a personal statement that would best serve you as an application essay for a simple masters course or a different scholarship. This application is not EM material due to the failure of your presentation to adhere to the heterodox requirement of the presentation. Where is the heterodox approach during your work time at ACTED, MSF, and OXFAM? These are the references in the essay that should have been able to prove your heterodox approach to economics, based on your work experience and necessary professional adjustments while working for these firms.

Undergraduate / My education - Trinity College Supplemental Essay: How would you contribute? [3]

The essay is too self-absorbed. You are always talking about what you can take from the university rather than what you can contribute. The whole essay should be about your contribution to the community. You were off to a good start when you discussed your Sikh upbringing. I was hoping to read more about how that upbringing would translate into your contribution to the Trinity College community. Instead, it veered into the "Myself" territory for most of the essay. Focusing on what you hope to learn and experience rather than what you can contribute. Paragraphs 2-5 are off track as far as I am concerned, as I know you will have a different opinion about what the actual focus of the essay is. However, I believe the focus should be on:


Clearly paragraphs 2-5 do not focus on what you can contribute, just what you can take from the community. The mention of S.A.I.L. got you back on track, all the way to the end of that paragraph. Then, you dropped the ball again with your closing paragraph. Look into the community clubs and organizations of Trinity. There are many you can mention in this essay that will help you explain how you can bring your Sikh upbringing to the university, with a resulting happier community just because of how you were brought up. Your upbringing, properly explained in relation to the various clubs and organizations at the college will definitely help you explain how you can improve on the presentation of the 3 pillars, which seem to have a solid foundation in your Sikh upbringing as well.

Translate the langar into your participation at a soup kitchen or food bank, or any sort of community food support system the college might have, transform lives by teaching your college-mates about the Guru Granth Sahib and the inner peace that it can bring ( promoting meditation or something), I know the Sikh do not believe in proselytizing, however, I mentioned this only as a form of connecting and / or transforming the lives of those around you ( those who might need some sort of help or support, just an idea...) based on the requirement of the 3 pillars to "Engage. Connect. Transform." I believe your background perfectly fits the bill. You just haven't properly considered how to do it.

You need to show your potential to bring diversity to the college community while helping to promote a better understanding of your background. You have to show that your addition, based on your way of life, will be something unique that the community can benefit from. This time, it is not about you and what you can receive, rather, it is about you and what you can give.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MPH in Global Health, unconventional background (PhD in Computer Science) [2]

This is a highly confusing essay to read. I guess it is because you are trying to justify a shift from one career to another, within a statement of purpose. The two courses are actually unrelated, making it difficult to find a commonality that could help justify or create a purpose for the career change.Are you being asked to write a motivational letter where you might be able to explain what motivated the change in career? If not, then you have your work cut out for you. You will have to explain the motivation for a career change in the SOP, while trying to find some sort of courses from your undergraduate studies that might relate to public health studies. Think of how Data Science can relate to Public Health and work your way from there. Tip: Big Data has a direct impact on Public Health programs. Go from there. Your presentation should contain:

- An explanation for the career shift
- Purpose of your career shift
- Any relevant undergraduate and on the job training that might relate to MPH studies
- What you hope to learn at the university and why ( in relation to the career shift)
- How you see the course successfully helping you complete this change in career direction

These considerations should help you get started on a new SOP that hopefully, will be more related to a purpose for your studies in public health. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Entering a software engineering programme but have no relevant background whatsoever. [2]

There is no exceptional achievement or impressive lesson learned in this presentation. These are normal and average on the part of a student, professional, or person in national service. These are not mentions that would leave an impression on the reviewer nor will it help your application moving forward. Since you do not have any relevant background, what makes you think that you will qualify for this program? Do you at least have a self-study reference you can use to take the place of these unimpressive information? Self-study would normally help you create some sort of personal achievement based on work experience. If not, I do not know how we can move you forward without any relevant background. Your studies need to be based on a solid and relevant foundation or accomplishment on your part. The university is obviously not looking for so-so students to enter the program, so maybe you should seek entrance into a different university instead that will not require the relevant background so much on the part of the student. Your background is more relevant on the user side of things, the course requires stringent coding experience instead.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Erasmus Mundus CLMC programme scholarship [2]

The personal statement is good. However, there are sections that would better serve a purpose in your motivational letter. If you can remove the parts that better relate to the motivation letter, then you will have a pretty solid personal statement to present. You need to be strong in both essays to qualify as a candidate, so avoid confusing the presentation by including aspects that would strengthen the motivation more. If you will agree, remove paragraphs 3 and 5, the personal statement will be more focused. It will deal mostly with the development of your profession and skills, but will not encroach on your statement of purpose, when you write one for the application.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Human Rights Studies in Sweden [2]

This is way too long for a statement of purpose. Unless otherwise specified, the SOP should be completed within 500-750 words that have a specific focus on your career development from the current point, moving into the future. The purpose must be related to your actual profession. Not some backstory that happened almost 8 years ago. The purpose of the course you have chosen to study must have an actual professional application for yourself. That means, it should help either strengthen your current skills or, develop skills that you will need to better perform your job or the next rank of your job. This presentation is more of a personal statement, so you can use it as such. You cannot use it as a statement of purpose.

Connect your studies and work experience in IR with a relevant purpose for seeking a masters in Human Rights Studies. I do not see a direct connection between these 2 aspects at the moment. Probably because of the lack of proper discussion focus in this essay. You have to write a totally new one that actually contains a purpose, as supported by your current work experience, and proven by your undergraduate studies.

Speeches / A speech about the pressing problem in many countries - ROAD ACCIDENTS [2]

You cannot open a speech with an outline of the topics you will be discussing. You should have an introductory paragraph first that will introduce the main topic, then summarize the various discussion points you will be presenting, that would be the outline form that you have now. The speech itself is too abrupt when it comes to transitioning from paragraph to paragraph. Try to use a transition sentence from one topic to another, that is merge the current discussion with a presentation introducing your next paragraph topic to help ease the listener into the next part and also, allow for a clean introduction of the next topic without losing your listener. Don't close a speech with "In conclusion". That is such a memorized phrase, go for something more interesting such as, "All things considered" or "Analyzing these points brings us to only one result..." Use a more interesting and original way to signal the end of the speech. Some, do not signal at all. They simply stand quiet for a moment at the end. If you do not speak, the listener knows the speech is over.

Writing Feedback / (coffee and tea purchases) - WRITING TASK 1 - TEST 1 (CAM 15) [3]

While you will not be scored less for writing over 200 words, the problem with writing more than 175-190 words is that you sacrifice the quality of your work. Allowing errors to remain because you ran out of time, or neglected to double check the presentation for obvious errors that can affect your GRA, LR, or C&C scoring sections. In this instance, the minute I looked at the image, and compared the description you used, I already saw an immediate TA problem. The presentation is a comparative columnar bar chart, you described it as a diagram. That is considered data inaccuracy and will show that you did not understand what the image represents. Do not offer personal opinions in the data presentation (It is undoubted that...) as there is no requirement for that in a task 1 essay. You should only report the facts as indicated, using your own words.

The summary overview should have at least 3-5 sentences in it. This should never be a run-on sentence because there are various information being presented, all of which require its own sentence presentation to help preserve the clarity of the summary paragraph.

Graduate / Statement of purpose for graduate school, why EMECS - Erasmus Mundus Programme [2]

You cannot focus solely on your undergraduate education for an EM masters scholarship application. You have to show a clear professional purpose for your application. The educational background should explain the foundation for your skills as a professional. The discussion of your current work duties and responsibilities, and why you now require additional studies, will create the purpose for your need to complete this course.

This is nothing more than an academic explanation for your background. There is no real professional purpose indicated nor application of the studies explained. This is not an essay that can move your application forward. It does not help you compete with the qualifications of the other applicants. This is too amateur and does not serve any purpose at this point. You will be better helped if you read the other EM SOP essay samples at this forum. It should get you started on developing a new and more relevant SOP for the scholarship application.

Letters / Motivation letter for the Engineering Technology Bachelor programme at KU Leuven [2]

This is a motivational letter that should be focused on your post study ambition. The motivation should explain how these studies, specifically studies in Europe and at this university, can help you achieve your goal. You make mention of Ayn Rand and Elon Musk as The people who inspired you to pursue this field of study. However, there is no clear reference to your ambition that would have been motivated by these people. What do you plan for your future? Why is that your motivation? Your character should be described through your motivation to achieve this goal. Specifically, if it can help your community or the world.

Your motivation for choosing the university is highly generic. You could be describing any university at this point. The motivation for your studies should relate to your reason for choosing the university. However, since your actual ambition remains unclear, it is going to be difficult for you to properly refer to an effective motivating factor for your university choice.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 IELTS Cambridge 9 about how the island changes [3]

This presentation will receive an automatic failing score for the following reasons:
- Insufficient word count (minimum of 150)
- Improper formatting of the essay ( 3 paragraph minimum)

For writing only 129 words, the essay will receive a word deduction penalty for the missing 21 words. Since this will be done in percentage form, the TA score will start at a failing level. Then, the missing complete paragraph formatting will be an additional percentage deduction since the paragraphs do not meet the appropriate 3 paragraph requirement.

Due to the lack of image, I will be unable to review the essay for content accuracy. I also cannot review the essay for other possible errors due to insufficient information provided. Kindly remember to upload the images next time. It is a requirement for task 1 reviews. It is impossible to review your essay beyond the basics without it.

Undergraduate / [PERSONAL STATEMENT KGSP-U] - I wonder if I'm being sentimental [4]

While this is an emotionally charged essay, I cannot say that it is strong enough to stand up to the competition. The lack of academic recognition that would help you become a competitive candidate is non-existent.

Your extra curricular activities do not portray you as someone with a sociocivic foundation that prepares you to be a future leader in your country. The contributions you made did not make marked changes in the lives of others. There is a lack of community building and socially nurturing relationship in the presentation.

The essay is unremarkable. It does not call attention to anything of note that would indicate that you are international scholarship material.

Scholarship / [NTU Scholarship Essay] Values And Beliefs You Hold Strongly To - 'to start to be great' [2]

You have not responded to the task. There are certain belief and value systems associated with the character and / or personality of a person. These beliefs dictate your motto in life or your advocates. You have not represented either a value or belief, or both, in this presentation. It appears that you misunderstood or, totally disregarded the prompt you were provided with.

You must look up various belief and values systems to help you created a more appropriate response that will allow the reviewer to get a better idea of your character and how it was formed. These are openly available online. Just find the values and belief system, individually, that best represent you.

Discuss one of each in the essay over 2 paragraphs using no more than 150 words each. You may also provide a combined discussion of the two, provided the value and belief system clearly relate to one another in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Space reasearch = waste of money? - Academic IELTS essay, task 2. [2]

You are not being on point or direct in your restatement of the original prompt. Do not insert subjects or topics that do not relate to the original presentation such as "scientific studies". You are altering the discussion focus when you do that. you should simply restate the original topic in the first sentence, just as it was placed in the original. Never start a sentence with a connecting word such as "and". you can only use that word in a sentence as a connector so either after a comma, or to connect two related words in a presentation sentence. You are being asked for your opinion in the presentation but you are giving a general point of view statement instead. The first person pronoun usage is required in such a presentation. So use the word "I" to represent your opinion, since a general opinion is not required.

The essay is missing a concluding paraphrase. You offered 4 paragraphs and over 250 words (see how I used the word "and" there?) but, did not offer a summary of the discussion as a conclusion. Instead, you continued the discussion with little developed presentation in the paragraph, which created an under developed open-ended paragraph. There will be point deductions for the improper closing of this essay as it does not follow the required format for the discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - Line graph - Wheat exports [2]

The suggested number of words for this writing task is 150-190 words. There are only 20 minutes for the task which requires you to completely draft, revise, review, edit, review, then finalize the paper before submission. You have to review the paper at least twice to make sure you meet the requirements of the task. In this case, you obviously failed to properly format the paper because you only have 2 paragraphs instead of the normal and required 3 paragraph format for the presentation. What good is writing a lot of words if you will receive more points deductions for improper task completion right?

There is no need to indicate the position of the image. You are to help the reader create a mental image using descriptive words throughout this task presentation. A more identifiable image reference would have been better (The line graph provided...) Insufficient data is presented in the summary. It is missing the summary of information sentence between the identification of the image and the trending statement.

The information about the European community should have been a separate paragraph since it carries more information. It indicates a change in the graph information so you could have used that as the third paragraph to complete the formatting presentation. Actually, the better presentation format would have been to group the information by years so that you have 2 clear sets of related and comparative information. The first set would be 1985,1986, 1987 and the second set would have been 1988,1989, 1990.Clearly separating the information by group year would have made the presentation clearer, easier to follow, and more memorable to the reader. I see that you tried to do it in this presentation, but seem to have gotten confused as to how to properly do it. Next time, mention the exact years rather than saying "20 years" and the like. Definite statements score better than glossed over information.

Writing Feedback / Studying with a group of students in a classroom is more beneficial than learning online at home. [3]

Well, this isn't really an argument as it is a difference of opinions or points of view. So to say that "it is argued" may be viewed as incorrect by the examiner. The reference point to the discussions must never be exaggerated as it changes the discussion slant of the original prompt. Examiners tend to score down sensationalist references in essays.

It is not really advisable to use a "partially agree" reference for your measured extent response as there is no partial discussion possible for this essay. Why is that? It is a single opinion essay. A partial agreement makes the scoring for "clarity of opinion" lower because your opinion is neither in support nor not in support of the discussion. It says you don't have an opinion. That is why you are asked for a measured response. A better method of responding would have been:

While there are benefits to studying online, I tend to lend my full support to the idea that in - school teaching offers more gains to the students.

Such a response statement is clear, definite in opinion presentation, and lays the strong groundwork for a singular opinion defense in two paragraphs. This also makes it easier for you to develop a better discussion or reasoning paragraph because, as is always the case, it is easier to present a fully developed support for one reason than it is to create a strong comparative argument without supporting a clear opinion.

In your presentation, your first reason was strong, but under explained. That is because, rather than fully explaining the scientific research, you just mentioned it, then mentioned another reason, without explaining the second reason fully. This created an under developed paragraph based on 2 improperly presented reasoning topics. There is no connection between the two that could have increased the C&C score. Then, you went on to defend the second opinion, without clearly explaining the reasons using properly developed examples to support it either. It is just a series of topics lacking in a definite defense. These are the reasons why this extent essay must always be a single opinion defense. Use 2 reasons that support a single opinion in 2 separate paragraphs, you should see the difference and strength in the position you wrote about using that method. You can definitely score better using it.

Letters / Motivational letter for a Master's program at the Tampere University. Finnish Govt Scholarship [3]

As this is a masters course application, any stories from your childhood relating to your interest and motivation for studying the masters course is already inapplicable. The reviewers will be looking for your undergraduate studies and professional experience connection with your motivation instead. The undergraduate course must reflect the inadequacies of your early tertiary education in relation to your current job duties and responsibilities. You must prove that your undergraduate course can no longer answer in terms of training, for the current and future needs of your profession.

Mentioning a specific Nigerian government program, as opposed to your observation of the healthcare system will be far more relevant to your motivation for the advanced studies. Your experience as the president of the faculty is irrelevant in this situation and should not be included in the discussion. It does not respond to any prompt requirement.

The reason for choosing the country should come before choosing the university. The motivation to study in Finland must reflect the impressive healthcare system of the country as the reason for your motivation to study there. You may highlight their healthcare system, drug companies, or any Finnish government program that relates to healthcare cover any aspect. Only after that justification can you choose the university.

Name the university, the course, and the specific curriculum requirements that have drawn you to the program. Explain these in terms of how the studies can be applied towards your current or future career in Nigeria. Relate the motivation as being career advancement based in order to create a convincing personal reason. How will the studies apply and how can the university program help you out?

As for the challenges you expect to face, you should be showing a proactive intention to overcome these problems by first, beginning to learn the rudiments of the Finnish language even in informal settings such as using apps. Second, create a social circle for you early on by joining forums and the like to get to know some students from the university or from Finland themselves.

Right now, your essay is a jumbled and confusing draft. You have the information all over the place instead of in a focused presentation. If you use my instructions, the essay should begin to fall into place. While you do have a national Nigerian program mentioned, it is too much at the very end to serve any purpose to your essay. This version is not going to hold the reviewer's attention and could very well be ignored by the reviewer by the time he gets to the second paragraph.

Scholarship / Pharmacist - Personal Statement & for Commonwealth PhD Scholarship Application [4]

As a general personal statement, not focused on a particular prompt or scholarship program, this is over informative. The personal statement should reflect the development of your interest in a particular field of specialization. It should not encroach on the information requirements of the motivational letter or statement of purpose. You did that accidentally in this presentation. There are general requirements for a personal statement unless, the scholarship or school you are applying to have certain specific requirements that need to be reflected in the information. Since you did not supply any reference to such, I will base my review on the general requirements instead.

A personal statement should be representative of how you came to realization that you want this to be your permanent career and, that you want to grow your skills in this field. You should not however, cross into the motivational letter section. Do not present the reasons behind this interest in a detailed discussion in this essay. Instead, Talk about your current career and how you have developed a personal connection with the workplace, the patients, the work itself, and anything else that will prove a personal desire to continue developing in this career.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Erasmus+ EMJMD Management and Engineering of Environment and Energy+ (ME3) [2]

Dear concerned who? For a proper opening salutation, simply address the members of the scholarship admissions committee. Say, "To the members of the Scholarship Admissions Committee" or, "To the Scholarship Representatives".

In paragraph one, you are implying that you have been motivated to enroll in this course because of its alignment with your career interests. Give a summary of these interests with a detailed description to follow. Allow the reviewer the opportunity to see if your interests truly align with the course of interest. Don't just enumerate what the courses cover, that doesn't inform the reviewer about anything.

What focus will you have for your studies? There are several environmental issues, you need to focus on just one that directly connects with the motivation and course you have chosen. How does your background help to solidify your interest in the specific environmental field? You cannot be a "jack of all trades, master of none." Focus the discussion otherwise the reviewer will see that your interest has no future career goal. Portray these from the very start. Do not leave the focus for later. Environmental Management must be at the very start. You could lose the reviewer by the second paragraph since your presentation is aimless until it gets to almost the very end. Reverse the presentation. The current last paragraphs should be at the very top.

Letters / Stipendium Hungaricum - letter of motivation - What qualities make you a good candidate? [2]

For starters, you only use the term "dear" if you know who you are addressing such as "Dear Members of the Committee", "My Dearest Friend", "My Dear Supervisor", "Dear Mr / Ms...". You never say, "Dear to whom it may concern". That is just improper English grammar. Leave the opening salutation simply as "To whom it may concern".

You are not having an examination in Hungary, you are going there to study. You are over exaggerating and using improper grammar in this letter. Make sure you are using proper vocabulary because giving the wrong meaning in a sentence such as "I have picked Hungary as a nation for my examination..." because you may think you are going there to study the country, but in truth the country's schools are educating you. So you are not "examining" or doing an "examination" of anything.

Overall, the letter does not make much sense due to the over dramatization of the presentation and improper vocabulary. You are turning it into an epic story. Review the prompt requirements, present the information directly without trying to write the next great novel. State things simply. The reviewer needs direct information without any excessive heart wrenching points. Summarize most of the information presented here.

This is not a statement of purpose or a personal statement, which is what you were trying to do. Focus on the prompt requirements that lead you towards a proper discussion of pertinent information regarding your educational and professional background.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Stipendium Hungaricum, Vehicle Master Degree [2]

You should first, explain how your undergraduate studies have prepared you to face the demands of the government project. To what extent does this preliminary training bring your career? How do you see yourself contributing to the government program? Is that the motivation for your advanced studies interest? How does the program you are interested in prepare you to specifically make a contribution to the government project? Merge the first 2 paragraphs to create a solid undergraduate and professional discussion that will clearly lead to a more intricate discussion of your masters degree motivation. You can actually use your thesis project discussion to accomplish that effectively.

A confident explanation of how your participation in international projects through the university is practically a requirement for your advanced career goals upon returning to your home country would be a big plus to this discussion. It will help establish the idea as to why you are convinced only studies in Budapest will suit your professional needs.

Undergraduate / Academic objectives and indicate how these are appropriate to your long-range goals. [2]

Start off with the actual topic sentence. Reverse the presentation to kick - off with, "Being an avid technophile..." Since that refers directly to the academic objective. Your aspiration statement quickly followed so your really presented a concise response to the writing instructions. Try to have a more solid representation of your interest in AI, use the age 14 reference point to indicate your long range career goals and how the university can help you build on that talent or help you further develop the app from long ago into a career defining or creating contribution. Mention how exactly you see the university guiding you towards achieving your academic and professional goals. Show a familiarity with the training program or internship opportunities of the department that will greatly enhance your chances as a future AI professional. You need to pick either age 14 or age 16 at this point. Whichever activity actually relates more to how you see yourself as an AI professional in the future.

The response you wrote is a very good draft. Which is why you had all this legroom to revise it into a better and more focused response. You did a good job in writing the draft response. You covered the bases, just not in the correct order for the presentation requirements.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the host of international sporting events [4]

There is a lack of clarity in your topic and reasoning sentence presentation. You mentioned the topic as, "global events relating to sports or organizing...", but, referred to the reasons simply as "people have different views", rather than stating the individual reasons as indicated in the original prompt. These 2 sentences go hand in hand when the examiner considers the coherence and clarity of the restated prompt. It is going to be difficult to get a good C&C score when your representation of the original discussion is not clearly presented in your version of the facts. Your response should have stopped at ;"I am in agreement with the latter view" without the addition of an opposing statement at the end since that is a part of your personal idea, not the original prompt.

Never use words of uncertainty such as "probably". You are scored on the clarity of your opinion. "Probably" means you cannot be sure about your statement, which translates into a lack of clarity for the thought presentation. Based on your presentation. There needs to be a 3 body paragraph of reasons presented. You only presented 2 paragraphs, leaving each reasoning topic from the original with little explanation to an unclear presentation in a singular paragraph. Every reason must be developed in individual paragraphs. You cannot compress the topics into one paragraph, the C&C score will suffer immensely.

Undergraduate / Motivation Letter for Stipendium Hungaricum in Engineering field - Education is the key [3]

You are writing a motivational letter. Yet, there is no clear focus presented for your studies. Science is a general term for the learning department, it does not represent the actual focus of your studies. There needs to be a description of what has motivated your decision to focus on a particular section of science and how that learning will apply to your future job.

You have to convince the reviewer that you have some academic and personal motivations for choosing Hungary. There is a lack of reference to that. Simply enumerating the notable scientists from Hungary does not prove that you have proper motivations. It only proves you know how to research, in the wrong manner. None of these scientists actually played a hand in motivating your decision to seek out this scholarship and college major.

You have not even chosen a university in particular to attend in Hungary and explain why you chose that university based on your learning interests and training requirements for your future job. What you wrote is not not a motivational letter. You need to focus on projecting the correct information in your motivational letter. I have given you an idea of how you can do that based on the missing topics in your discussion. Delete this essay. Write a totally new motivational letter.

Undergraduate / UBC PERSONAL PROFILE, WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHY? "Effort" [3]

This is an up-close and personal response to a personal profile question. You have put yourself out there in all raw honesty. The reviewer will like that. You have offered an insight into your student character. This response clearly depicts how you respond to an unexpected failure and why you will always bounce back, no matter how hard it might be. If there is a second chance, you will take it an succeed. Which is all we want in life right?

As an incoming college student, it is important that the reviewer get a keen sense of how you might perform as a student. This essay tells him that as far as you are concerned, failure is never an option. Which means you will be a serious who will take the time to actually study, rather than use the college dorm as a halfway house for partying. I believe you have written a notable response to the topic. It is a response that tells the reviewer, "I am keen on studying and succeeding in life." Good job.

Essays / How to write a 100 word Essay about yourself [3]

A hundred word personal profile is not difficult to write. Other students here have done it in 50 words or fewer. They will not understand what you are complaining about. As long as there is a prompt to follow, you can write 100 words about yourself. The prompt should have told you what discussion points to focus on in 100 words. I cannot believe that the scholarship foundation (not an agency, never belittle the scholarship program) would just ask you to write a personal profile in 100 words without a guideline. By the way, the "DUDE" is a highly educated, well respected, and notable member of the academic and or social scene. You make them sound like rank and file employees. With an attitude like that, I cannot understand why you are even trying to apply for the scholarship. I am not sure if you are being defeatist or sour-graping because you know you don't qualify for the scholarship but will try anyway. So I will try to help you just the same. I am not some "DUDE" who will be assessing your qualifications for the scholarship. I am some "DUDETTE" who will help you qualify for it, if your credentials make that possible at all.

A personal profile should allow the reviewer to get to know the best of you in 100 words. What do you consider the most unique aspect of your personality? Explain why the reviewer should be interested in this personal trait in a manner similar to yours. Consider the scholarship programs mission and objectives. The personal profile should be able to help you reflect yourself, based on those qualifications. Have you gotten any recognition for the way you live your life based on your character? Yes, that is another aspect by which you can discuss your personality. What is it about your character that would make a reference an embodiment of the scholarship mission statement? Think along those lines. You know the scholarship program. You know what it stands for. You know what kind of student scholars they are seeking, Then write 100 words about how you reflect all of those core values in your personality.

Letters / Stipendium Hungarigum Scolarship / Engineering / Motivation Letter [3]

The fact that you are a former EM scholar already puts you ahead of the other applicants. The information contained in this essay tells me that you are a pro at the motivation letter content. You have the ability to convince the reviewer to give you a second shot at the EM scholarship. However, you could still further strengthen this essay by explaining how the 10 months you spent in Hungary helped you advance as a student in your home country upon your return, making that stand out educational period the main motivation for your desire to return to Hungary for further academic training. The reasoning based on hearsay is not very effective though. Anytime a student says "I heard from other students...", it creates an unrealistic expectation in the eyes of the reviewer. What if you do not get the same experience? Does that mean the scholarship would have failed you in terms of personal and academic expectations? I would personally, leave that out of the letter instead. Do not be vague about the job you want to land. Tell the reviewer what the position is and why it important for someone of your newly advanced training work in that field. You have to justify a forward looking application of your studies via a job promotion or career change for a reason.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum - Mechanical engineering [2]


- This is not an acceptable reason for the reviewer. Remember, you completed an English language course in your home country without having to leave it. There is no justification for you to need to leave the country just to learn languages then. Reason 1 is not acceptable overall. There is no real motivation for your studies nor considerations that cannot be achieved by simply staying in Mongolia.

What is the real focus of your studies? Do not leave that mention till the very end. The reviewer will quit reading this paper after the 1st unsubstantiated reasons. There is no mention of your desired undergraduate course throughout. Are you playing a guessing game? The reviewer will not be pleased. You are mentioning an opportunity to learn and experiment but fail to truly explain the course choice, history of your interest, and motivation based on a personal reason. Truthfully, the outlined responses sound more like you just took it out of the website and rephrased it. There is no real response contained in any of those reasons.

Scholarship / The Global UGRAD Program is for young leaders committed to serving their home communities [3]

You have an effective background as far as qualifications are concerned. You meet the marks when it comes to what you can bring to the program. However, you do not clearly depict which of these skills or characteristics you will be bringing with you to the program and how the other participants in the program can benefit from these information. How do you plan to use these information to build a cultural and information exchange with the community? It is because of this question that I believe you have overqualified yourself in terms of qualifications. Try to limit your presentation to only the character and experiences you have had that you can continue to build on as a member of the program. If you can build on it, then you can explain how the cultural exchange will work for you and the student. Don't just keep enumerating the information. You are not really doing a great job of selling yourself that way. Rather, sell yourself based on the qualifications that you know the program will be interested in hearing about. If you feel it can help enhance the program experience all around, then that is what you should include in the essay.

Student Talk / Are you a writer or it's equivalent? [2]

Respond to this prompt by first, analyzing your personal reasons for writing. If you write only to respond to homework or language exercises, then you are a writer of circumstance. However, if you a person who tends to dictate thoughts into his phone and then build upon these dictations on the computer. If you are a person who desires to blog about everything or has an opinion that often needs to be read for you to become relaxed, if people other than yourself appreciates your writing, then you are divinely talented as a writer. Ask yourself if you enjoy writing just for the heck of it, then you are a divinely talented writer. If you write because you have no choice, then you are a writer of circumstance. These are some of the basic differences between the two writers that can help you get started in writing your own full essay based on this prompt. I cannot go further than this in helping you because the next step would be to write the essay for you and that, is not something we do on the public forum. You may inquire about our private writing services if you wish to have some additional help or advise regarding the prompt requirements.

Letters / Motivation letter - Stipendium Hungaricum - MA Tourism Management [2]

Truth be told, the essay is not remarkable, nor is it memorable. It is forgettable. The presentation does not have any stand out accomplishments or motivations. It does not feel like you are qualified candidate due to the lack of reference to significant professional or academic achievements. It is almost as if you know that you do not qualify for the scholarship and yet you are trying your luck by applying for it. The presentation does not feel serious. There should be a deep discussion of the prompts provided based on your qualifications. This is the kind of essay that, in all honesty, will not make it past the first round of considerations. Try to come up with a version 2 of the essay. Review the prompt requirements again. This time, respond prompt by prompt in your outline. Then edit the presentation to suit the flowing written interview requirements of the prompt. That should help you create a more detailed and informative motivational letter. The competition is fierce this year. A simple motivational letter like this just won't get you into the second qualifier round.

Letters / A competitive person - Scholarship Motivational letter [3]

I am not clear on whether you are applying as a full time undergraduate student or as a masters degree student. You forgot to inform me of which scholarship type you are applying for. There is a difference in the review pattern for these two scholarships. I'll assume this is for an undergraduate course since you did not mention any undergrad courses and focused on your participation in competitions instead.

In the first paragraph, I do not like the connotation of your saying that your mind was not at ease. I makes it seem like you feared the computer. If you had said, My mind was filled with awe and wonder, that would have better connected with the way that your mom put you in touch with an IT teacher. Kindly remember that academic essays must never have paragraphs or sentences that begin with connecting words like "and, but, and because". Revise references that start with those words.

Kindly remember that only names of person's places, things, or proper titles require word capitalization. Technology need not be capitalized in the middle of a sentence / paragraph. You have to be more specific about your winner placement in the competitions you joined. Since you gave a general presentation for the wins and placements, you need to be specific when you discuss the competitions. Tell the reviewer what position you won and what the prizes were. These will help establish your ability as a notable scholarship applicant.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - Masters Degree in Education Leadership, Organizations, and Entrepreneurship [2]

I am not sure if this incorrect statement of purpose will help your application to Harvard. Specially since it is a personal statement, not a statement of purpose. It is a discussion narrative instead of a purpose presentation. By the way, you cannot submit one essay to all universities. It will eventually be flagged as plagiarized, and you will get an automatic disqualification from the university. Each university requires a new and original essay that adheres to their specific prompt requirements. You cannot use a short cut to apply at the universities. That is a guaranteed way to not be considered for admission.

The masters degree statement of purpose has a pretty standard information requirement that only varies based on additional requirements from the university. The standard presentation must indicate more specific information for the information of the reviewer. You have to present the following, with additional prompt requirements from the university, in any order within the paragraphs of your essay ( With applicable PS paragraph references for changes / revision in the statement of purpose):

Par. 1: Purpose ( Revised from PS paragraph 2)

Par. 2: Undergraduate education discussion in relation to the requirements of your masters course. Include a reference to your thesis (if applying to a thesis track masters course. Optional for non-thesis track) to prove a research skill and a possible relationship with the masters courses. Create an undergraduate educational foundation.

Par. 3: Professional skills as relevant to the requirements of the masters course curriculum. Offer an idea of how these skills, when enhanced by additional studies, will assist you in pursuing an advanced career track.

Par. 4: Explain what specific reasons you have for choosing the university. Aside from the course curriculum, what else made you decide that this university can really assist in your professional growth? You may include a reason for the choice of country as well.

Par. 5: Summarize the discussion with a forward thinking aspiration for your career, based on the skills you hope to develop as a professional student at the university and exposure to the culture of the country.

The university specific information will be injected anywhere between or within these basic information requirements.

Scholarship / [KGSP-G] - International Trade Studies (GSIS) - Personal Statement [3]

The first paragraph is useless. You do not need to recap what you will be writing about nor what your thoughts about the presentation are. The prompt requirements, directly responded to, accomplishes that without the boredom and non-usability of the first paragraph. It does not enhance the essay presentation, it only makes it boring and time consuming to read. These essays are pointedly direct in presentation, hence the prompt questions. Delete the first paragraph in totality. The reviewer does not have time to waste reading the nonsensical presentation.

Can you explain why you are saying that your decision to apply for this scholarship is a dangerous (precarious) one? If it is dangerous, then why apply for it? Perhaps you made a mistake in your word choice? Did you really mean to say dangerous? You have made a solid connection with Korea that the GKS reviewers can take note of. Good job on presenting that informative section.

Do not use "etc." in an academic presentation. Do not just list the competitions you participated in. Indicate if you won or not. If you did not win, it is better to not mention that competition since it will not be seen as an increased asset on your part. There is a solid country based (Vietnam) reference in the essay that strengthens the choice to pursue a masters in Korea. It makes your reason to study in Korea informed and important.

Talk more about your thesis. What was the basis? How was it researched? Was it eventually published or given any sort of important attention? Heighten that discussion to show your acumen and passion for research. Describe how that is one of the motivating factors that led to your choice of Korea as an academic destination.

The last paragraph is another throw away. A waste of space and time on the part of the reviewer. Close with the "Unlike me in twelve" instead. That is strong and closes on an interesting point. Revise that incorrect sentence to "Unlike me at the age of twelve..."

Writing Feedback / The total count of girls per hundred boys took admissions at a different level of education [2]

Please do not expect a thorough and efficient review of your report essay because you forgot to upload the image for my reference. I cannot consider the scoring rubic based on the presentation since the image, upon which this essay is to be based on, is missing as a reference guide. I will however, do what I can to review your work. Upload the image next time you post for a review.

There is no true mix of a complex and simple sentence in your overview presentation. Do not rush the discussion. Compressed information means confusing information. Clarity comes from proper subject presentation per sentence. Every sentence needs a subject to clearly reference a representation. You failed to do that in the summary overview. A long sentence will never increase your GRA score, it can only decrease it. This is the major error in every presentation that you made. The proper format of 3-5 sentences per paragraph was not applied. So you only succeeded in confusing your reader, rather than informing him. i can safely say that you will get a failing GRA score due to the confusion and stress you have caused your reader. You will not get a passing score with this type of presentation.

Scholarship / The Ashram visit - a personal life experience that has had particular significance for you [2]

Being from India, you are familiar with the ashram definition. Since the reviewer is not from India, you need to define what the word means or represents so help him get better acquainted with the narrative you are setting up. Is it a place or a cultural tradition? Set up the mental picture. The presence of your brother means that this was not an independent trip as you explained. You still have a relative with you, supervising and looking after you. Change that reference to a joint exposure instead.

The first paragraph is running too long. Divide that into separate topic paragraphs since you are discussing several subjects in that section. Each of which requires a definite attention / focus in the presentation. There are unclear references in the presentation. Whose bond was deepened (Sibling? Community?) and what made you say that? How did the relationship change?

Describe how the learning about diverse situations came about. You cannot just keep telling the reader, you need to justify using personal experience references that clearly show this development. You have plenty of room to apply changes and additions to this essay. I suggest that you strongly consider your revision based on my suggestions. It will help enhance the presentation.

Graduate / Personal Statement Masters in EnergySystems (500 WORDS) - University of Oxford [2]

There is an extreme focus on your academic achievements overall. This unusual focus has resulted in your inability to properly represent your preliminary knowldge of the subject area and research techniques. Something that should have been supported, with proper examples of professional applications, of the theories and practices that you gained as a student at Kansas State University. Your ability to apply what you learned will determine the following requirements:

·evidence of understanding of the proposed area of study
·your ability to present a coherent case in proficient English
·your commitment to the subject, beyond the requirements of the degree course
·your preliminary knowledge of the subject area and research techniques

A professional reference to how your past training has allowed you perform well within long term professional projects will need to be presented as well to ensure that you reflect:

·your capacity for sustained and intense work
·your ability to absorb new ideas, often presented abstractly, at a rapid pace.

Unless these missing elements are presented in the revised form, this will not be a strong enough personal statement to assist your application.

Undergraduate / Waterloo AIF Advice - What could I improve? Question about educational goals, interest in program... [2]

This is what they call a non-answer. At first glance, it appears that you are responding to the prompt. However, upon repeated reading, which the reviewer will do, the reality that you are not providing direct responses to the questions will become clearer to the reader. The first 2 sentences do not imply the true excitement behind your decision / academic goal. For example, you want to start up your own health laboratory after graduation that will specialize in pandemic testing and research. As such, your company will provide the testing and research services. So you will need to understand both science and business, in a merged manner. That is how you approach the educational goal question. What I gave you is an example, do not use that in your revised response because you will not know how to expand on it based on the requirements, since that is not the actual educational goal that you have. Talk about how you plan to tailor your curriculum to suit your professional ambition upon graduation with regards for your interest in the chosen programs and why Waterloo was the only choice for you because of these detailed learning needs.