Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: ARE INVESTMENTS ON WILD ANIMALS PROTECTION WORTHY? [3]

While your essay is grammatically imperfect, it is nice to see that you understood exactly how to discuss the topic based on the given instruction. I am even more pleased that you focused your reasoning paragraphs in the proper manner. That is, you focused on strengthening your your opinion using strong reasons. However, you should have used more "emotional" or "measured" words to continue to the "extent" form of discussion in your reasoning paragraphs.

Some of the "emotional" or "extent" words you could have used in your topic sentences are:

I firmly believe that...
I greatly disagree because...
I staunchly believe that...
I decidedly support the opinion that...

The extent essay measures your ability to support your opinion based on a specific set of vocabulary words. All of these words convey a strong emotion, while also allowing you to highlight the range of your grammar skills. This is an advanced form of opinion discussion and you properly proved your ability to explain yourself, albeit in imperfect, but understandable English sentences, in the discussion paragraphs. Very good job!

In relation to your discussion skills. You should do more English language exercises. Sentence formation games and exercises that are freely available online should be able to help you do that. Try to immerse yourself more in English environments. Anything from reading materials to sub-titled movies will help you improve your language writing skills.

However, you failed to properly format your opening and concluding paragraphs. These should have at least 3 sentences each that show your ability to restate the discussion points. For the original prompt, you have to provide the following:

- A restatement of the topic
- Reason for the discussion
- Your response to the discussion instruction / question

For the concluding summary, provide the following:
- A restated topic (same topic, different presentation)
- Restate your opinion
- Reason 1
- Reason 2
- Closing sentence

You can offer up to 5 sentences per summary if you wish to kick up your TA score. I am very pleased with the clarity of your opinion, even though your sentence formation needs more work. You should be happy with this essay that you wrote, it shows your potential to pass the test. Just make sure to improve on your sentence structure so that your grammar presentation will be smoother and clearer to the reader. Right now, there is a slight difficulty in understanding your statements, but not to the point where you cannot be understood. You somehow, manage to make yourself understood using well developed paragraphs that highlight:

- A topic sentence
- An explanation
- An example
- An opinion that further supports your reason, topic for the paragraph, and the example.

Like I said, you need to clean up the language presentation. You have the potential to get a high score so don't stop practicing. I hope to help you achieve a higher than average passing score in the future.

Scholarship / Changing world - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*? [6]

It appears to me that you are choosing to study in Australia based on the professional needs of your country and, your lack of ability to fulfill these higher working professional need. You should be responding to the questions accordingly. Think about what course you have decided to take and the university. How does it apply to the needs of your profession? What is your current professional duty? How does this duty relate to the course? What professional skills and requirements will you be learning about in the course? How does it reflect upon your skills improvement? After considering your responses to those questions, think about why you chose a particular university.

You cannot apply for this scholarship if you do not have at least one university choice and once course choice to present to the reviewer. I do not get a sense of that in your presentation. Mostly because you presented a personal statement, without considering the prompt discussion requirements. There were only 2 questions you needed to respond to. You failed to do that.

Do not try to use any part of this current essay. Delete it from your system. It cannot be used to respond to any of the AAS statement questions. It is useless to your application. Just present a 2 paragraph presentation in response to the question. That means, one paragraph for the course choice, one paragraph for the university choice or a combined response for both questions in one paragraph. Just don't go beyond 2000 characters.

Writing Feedback / Using mobile phones and computers people are losing the the ability to communicate face to face. A/D [4]

You totally changed the discussion slant for this essay. You turned a simple agree or disagree essay into an extent essay. That shows a lack of understanding of the discussion instructions. Then, you did not properly paraphrase the original prompt, which means you did not understand the topic for discussion. This will tell the reviewer that your English comprehension skills are not that good. A proper restatement of this prompt would have been:

The general population have come to rely heavily on gadgets to help them converse with one another. It is believed that this trend has resulted in a lack of personal communication skills. I tend to agree with this belief for a couple of reasons.

From that point, kick of each of the 2 reasoning paragraphs with a topic sentence. That will show a conviction or belief in the side that you support. It will also prove that you understand what the discussion requires you to present.

You must double check your word choices. Remember, you are scored on the accuracy of your word usage. You mistakenly used the word brief, which means "of a short duration" when you actually meant to say "belief", meaning "an opinion or belief". Also, a survey is "commissioned", not "admissiioned", These are the type of word errors that would lead to a failing LR score.

Based on the most basic review of your essay, there are already 2 reasons why your essay will find it difficult to achieve a failing score. You should not be focused on a large word count when the grammar, LR, and clarity of your essay are suffering because of it. The highest scoring essays are actually the ones that come in between 275-290 words, with a clear explanation, proper vocabulary usage, and good grammar presentations.

Scholarship / Regionalism and human development - Why do you choose your courses or University [2]

Replace "at a diplomatic mission" with the actual name of the mission in your final copy. That will give your application and air of an official capacity. You don't have to tell the reviewer where the university is located. You made that sentence sound more like a website blurb than an actual statement of interest. Try not to use i.e. in an academic presentation. Always state your intentions in full sentences. Do not take shortcuts. This is a formal written interview, show full respect to the reviewer. Always maintain the formal, academic tone.

Expand on why you would like to take language classes. Which classes in particular interest you? How can those languages help you in your line of work? Try to give an overview of your potential to use the language class in your line of work.

Overall, this is a smartly written response. I am not saying you will automatically be given the scholarship, but you have written a good enough response to catch the attention of the scholarship committee. It might be a first round contender in the screening process.

Scholarship / AAS- Choice of Course and Institutions-- Digital Law Course [2]

Bring the last paragraph up, creating a new first paragraph, then move onto the current first paragraph (now the second paragraph), leaving the current second paragraph to become the last paragraph. You may present the university acceptance letter as the reason why you chose to attend the university. Unfortunately, you do not leave any room for a 2nd choice university in this presentation when you do that. Meaning the scholarship committee is being told that they cannot choose a university for you, which is a freedom that the scholarship committee would like to have when choosing scholars as your credentials, based on their requirements will assist them in the university choice. Your written interview will also factor in that decision, but it will only be one of the many other considerations the committee will look into while considering your application. You may want to revise the essay to allow for a second university choice just in case.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY about the purpose of Television (to entertain) [3]

Your essay has problems mostly with word usage. Though your thoughts are clear, you should be using other words aside from refresh in relation to how people use television as a form of stress relief. Refresh just doesn't feel like the right word to be using throughout the second paragraph. Relax, de-stress, unwind, these are the more natural sounding words that could have helped bring more clarity to your presentation and also, show a good range of American English vocabulary.

Try to avoid presenting research material in your essay as well. Just as with the IELTS test, the TOEFL would like to know how you feel, what you know about the topic provided, and how well you can explain yourself, based on commonly known information or your personal opinion, based on your opinion of the given topic. Your essay is good, you know enough personally to defend your stance. There was no need to use the reference material in the discussion.

Your essay is clear. Although there are some problematic sentences and improper word usage, it did not impede the understanding of your thoughts. However, you should not go over 275-290 words for this presentation. 398 words would be unrealistic in the test setting because you need to review and correct your essay and that, will take time. So write less but clearly. You don't need to have an extensive explanation, you just need a clear, understandable explanation. Don't overdo things. That's when mistakes happen.

Errors:

Helping verb form:
... people would get more... - people will...

Comma usage between clauses:
... specific knowledge, so

These are some of the simple errors that you would have caught if you did not focus so much on writing and redirected the time usage towards perfecting the grammar and content presentation.

Scholarship / [AAS] Explaining study choice essay [5]

Your reasons for choosing your course aren't impressive at all. There is no career relation that could tie your course choice with your current job title or description. You may want to reconsider the format for your statement. It doesn't really portray you as a strong candidate for the scholarship. What you should do is consider each course choice, per university. Then decide upon how you will discuss it. Which course has the most relationship with your current career? Discuss. Another option is, to have you discuss the course choices based on a potential career change on your part. I think that this would be the more viable discussion for your presentation because you already started the essay by discussing the failed start-ups of your friends. If you have an interest in starting your own business, then you should go for that discussion angle per university.

Remember that you chose each university and course for a reason. You have to be fair when discussing the university and course choices. I noticed that you chose 2 different courses for each university. Throughout the discussion though, you failed to justify the course choices. You gave a general discussion and that, is the problem with the presentation. You need to offer discussion points per course choice, in the context of why you chose the university. That way you truly represent why you chose the course and the university in relation to your career path.

Scholarship / Essay question (why did you choose the course and institutions? Business ecosystem. [3]

I am afraid you are going to have to shorten the reason that you chose the curriculum. It is running too long. It takes up more than 50% of the statement, not leaving enough room for you to discuss in-depth, the reasons why you chose Monash University and the University of Technology. Each university needs to be discussed individually. You have to explain the merits by which you chose each university to the reviewer. You cannot use a blanket statement for the university choice because the reviewer is looking for the reasons for your first and second university choices. If the universities have the same weight in your eyes, the scholarship committee will not know which of the two universities to prioritize should you become a contender for the scholarship. Discuss each university based on the weight of your desire to attend it. That is why I am asking you to shorten the backgrounder on your course choice. The course choice should actually tie in better with each university choice. That provides the reviewer with a clearer idea as to why you chose to attend a specific course, at a specific university. You could try the following format:

- University Choice - University Course - a general discussion of how the course can be applied to your current work situation - state if, based on these reasons, the university is your first or second choice.

Using 2 paragraphs to represent the aforementioned discussion should help you come up with a better response, well within the word count.

Scholarship / Applying to AAS selection - studying in Australia's top university and career impact [5]

This statement is running too long and only requires 2 of the existing paragraphs to become responsive to the prompt. If you will just retain paragraphs 1 and 2, then delete paragraph 3 and the last sentence, the response will be right on target. The first 2 paragraphs are the forward thinking kind of response that the reviewers are looking for. It is clear, makes a point, and allows the reviewer to foresee exactly how the scholarship can help you, even if you have indicated the terms in the essay. Implied words are highly effective in this instance. The third paragraph, is just a rundown of the classes you will be taking, but it doesn't really provide a career impact in the presentation. So you should just avoid that discussion, focusing on the targeted response instead.

You do not need to revise the content of the essay. You just need to remove the weak parts which could confuse the reviewer or make him remember the wrong or irrelevant information because it was presented last. Remember, people tend to remember what they read last instead of what they read first. So stick to presenting the relevant discussion. Make sure that is what the reviewer remembers your response for.

Writing Feedback / Producing Fuel from Corn - Writing task 1 - part 1 - Flow Chart [2]

There are 2 reasons why I cannot review your essay. The first, is that you forgot to upload the image along with the text. Our policies do not allow us to access images outside of our forum server so students who actually ask us to access images outside of this forum end up violating our forum rules and could be suspended because of it. The second reason, is that your work is under the 150 minimum word count for the Task 1 essay. As such, you would automatically get a failing score because of the percentage deductions in relation to the 50 missing words. Your work also has grammatical shortcomings which would cause additional deductions on your final score. So it would be better if I do not score this essay yet. Instead, I expect to see your next essay with the image, and meeting at least the minimum 150 word count. Let me throw you a bone here and show you some errors in your work. Just so you will be conscious of some errors you made for next time.

Spelling:
seperated - separated
wil - will

Grammar:
Clarity Issue: It follows that the liquid is purified with ethanol during 5 hours - ... ethanol FOR 5 hours.

Again, please remember to meet the minimum word count and upload the image next time. I look forward to completely reviewing your next task 1 essay.

Writing Feedback / BOTH VIEW & OPINION - TV is a good educational tool for children. [3]

There are several IELTS topics in relation to TV watching and children. You should have uploaded the complete prompt along with your response so that I could have gotten a clear idea as to what the 2 public reasoning points of view were presented in support of and in opposition of the given topic. Your discussion paragraphs do not seem to be presenting a clear and balanced discussion of the given topic. The format for this discussion is always based on an explanation of the 2 public reasons, with your opinion given either as a stand alone paragraph, or as a part of the original reasoning discussion, towards the end of the paragraph. You did not complete either format in this essay. As I am unsure about whether you presented the correct discussion topics or not in this essay, I will not be able to do a comprehensive review of your essay.

By the way, you should write no more than 290 words for this essay. You should be concentrating on making sure that you are discussing the correct topics in the reasoning paragraphs, which I do not think you did in this essay, and, you should be sure that you avoided as many grammatical errors as you could have prior to submitting the essay. That means, you can write a short essay, have time to spare for the review and finalization, and ensure that you will get the highest possible marks for your work.

What I did notice, is that you stop short of completely explaining your reasons. After you present a supporting example, you should continue to explain how that example supports the previous opinions or, how it disproves the preceding discussion. The paragraphs are under developed and do not really come together because of the lack of strengthening explanations on your part. Next time, focus on delivering fully developed explanations and ideas, not the word count. The word count will automatically extend as you expand your discussion. So you don't need to focus on solely expanding your essay. The proper discussion development (grammar and vocabulary) will take care of that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 WRITING: SHOULD THE GOVERNMENT PAY FOR THE CLEANING UP POLLUTION OF INDIVIDUALS? [4]

The essay does not meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words. You only have 182 words written. The paragraphs you presented are only the reasoning paragraphs. Your writing is incomplete and will not get a passing score in an actual setting.

The essay should have a paragraph for the prompt paraphrase and the presentation of your extent opinion at the start of the essay. That is the introduction paragraph that contains the discussion outline based on your response to the given question. After that, your 2 reasoning paragraphs come in then finally, the concluding summary closes the essay. As such, I cannot truly assess your work based on the required information.

Though your essay seems to be focused on a particular opinion and discussion topics, the problem, is that I cannot assess how responsive your essay is to the discussion presentation due to the missing 2 paragraphs. I will not review this for grammar because the format is lacking / incorrect. Make sure to present a completely developed essay for review next time. I cannot give partial reviews for partial essays. That will not be helpful to you.

Writing Feedback / Should children not be allowed to watch TV? [2]

This is not a comparative discussion essay. You should familiarize yourself with the various discussion types for this test before you start writing another practice test. You see, this is an extent essay that asks you consider how strongly you support or do not support the given singular opinion. Your response should show a degree of non/support for the given discussion, which is then supported by 2 reasons in your discussion paragraphs. Since your essay does not appropriately deliver a response to the given question, and your reasoning paragraphs do not deliver the proper supporting or non-supporting discussion, your essay cannot be judged within passing score guidelines.

You should show a clear response to the question in the paraphrased paragraph, then offer one supporting explanation for your opinion within 2 separate discussion topics in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Wrap up the discussion with a proper restatement of the discussion topic, your opinion, and supporting points within the concluding paraphrase. Only then will you have followed the correct discussion format for this essay,

By the way, you cannot use" on the other hand" if you did not use "on the one hand" in the previous discussion. Such phrases are only acceptable in comparison discussions. So you should not be using it in a single opinion essay. Those phrases are only used in A/D essays. All other essays should not use those phrases. That is because all other essays are single opinion essay presentations. No comparisons allowed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: aim is mostly question of luck [3]

While you could partly agree with the statement, you will get score demerits because of your lack of clear opinion regarding the given topic. You see, the extent essay requires you to deliver an emotional response in relation to the degree of your support or not support for the discussion. As such, your TA score will be lower than you expected as there is a lack of clarity regarding your actual opinion based on the given discussion.

You will notice that your response is flip-flopping all over the place, trying to defend both points of view, without really making a clear point. That is the lack of clarity in your discussion. What you are saying is actually "I agree, but also disagree." Does that make sense to you? Exactly. You cannot indicate an agreement with both opinions mostly because that means you do not have an opinion. A true extent essay works this way; think of what makes your agree or disagree strongly with the statement and then use 2 reasoning paragraphs to explain it. You could say:

When one considers the factors involved, one would easily see how incorrect this statement is. It is based on 2 strong reasoning factors that I hold a heavy disagreement with the discussion points presented.

Those who agree with this statement indicate that... Upon personal consideration though, I tend to feel the opposite in an extreme manner because...

Along with the others who disagree, we share the point of view that... This is the strongest supporting consideration for our opinion that...

Your opinion has to be clearly in support of one point of view, even if it is only to a certain extent. The format above will help you show the considerations that could make you "partly" agree with the discussion, but in the end, allows you to offer a strong singular opinion, which is the requirement for the extent essay.

Your concluding paragraph should properly summarize the topic, your point of view, and the reasons for it. Your presentation doesn't do that and, it still offers an unclear point of view in the presentation.

It is because of problematic first essay presentations that I do not score essays immediately. I will wait for your second essay and score you then. In, the meantime, I will be using this essay to assess your writing and comprehension abilities. No scoring, no problem section indicators, mostly because your format did not deliver the expected discussion type. I'll score you next time.

Writing Feedback / Producing fuel from corn - Writing task 1 - part 1 - flow chart [2]

You should have provided the image along with your short descriptive essay. I need the image to be able to judge the accuracy of your description and the validity of your procedural outline. Without it, I cannot say for certain if you wrote a good essay for this task or not. Kindly remember to upload the image with your next essay. That is, if you want to get a complete and accurate review of your work.

By the way, you need to brush up on your vocabulary, You need to familiarize yourself with adjectives that can help you make a more impressive written presentation of your thoughts. For example, rather than saying "two different parts", you could have shown better GRA and LR abilities by saying "two distinct parts". The more advanced vocabulary, used in a natural manner in the presentation,. can always help you increase your scoring considerations.

The task 1 essay always comes in 3 paragraphs. You should have presented at 2-3 sentences more in the last line of this presentation. You could have done that if you had shortened your other paragraphs by avoiding the run-on sentences in your earlier paragraphs. Don't try to compress all the information in one paragraph. That is always the mistake that test takers make. You have to go for clarity. You need to separate the descriptions so the reader can get a better idea of what you want to say and also, why it is important to consider what you are saying. These will combine into a better C&C score for you in the end.

Writing Feedback / WORK FROM HOME OR GO TO THE OFFICE (?) [2]

Where is the dual point of view discussion? You failed to use the first, second, and third person pronouns as required by the GRA scoring considerations for this essay. It appears that the essay has been written only from a personal point of view. This is how the essay appears to the examiner because of the lack of pronoun usage in the paragraph presentations. You should not be presenting a personal opinion within the paraphrase. Mostly because the personal opinion is based on the comparison of the 2 points of view. Since you have not yet presented the two points of view, you should merely indicate that you will be creating an opinion at the end of the comparative discussion.

That said, this is an essay that contains 3 reasoning paragraphs based on 3 discussion points presented in the original prompt:
Reasoning 1: Some people believe that work from home increases productivity. (Explain why people believe this. Do not use a personal point of view)
Reasoning 2: Others say that people should go to the office. (Describe the reasons prefer to work at the office)
Reasoning 3: Personal choice (If you were to choose, where would you work? Why?)

Remember to use the correct group pronouns for the first 2 reasons and the first person pronoun in the third. You can present the first 2 discussion points in any order. Just make sure you present your opinion last.

Your conclusion should be presented in a specific manner. That is:
- Restate the discussion topic
- Summarize the reasons using 2 sentences. One for every point of view
- Repeat your opinion.
- Close the sentence without indicating that the reader should prefer any of the points of view in particular. You should not try to influence the reader towards your own point of view, even if you are asked to present one in your reasoning paragraphs.

Every Task 2 essay has a specific discussion format that needs to be followed so that you can gain a higher scoring consideration. You should make sure to familiarize yourself with all the discussion formats so that your responses will always be attuned to the discussion instructions.

Scholarship / Doctor's degree. AAS 2020 ESSAY How will the proposed study contribute to your career [4]

You have spoken in depth about the skills refinement and training that this course will offer you. That is actually an excellent discussion to have in this statement. However, you neglected to explain how the studies will contribute to your career advancement. What is the ultimate goal for you as a professional? Are you sure your ultimate goal in achieving a doctorate is limited only to skills enhancement on the theoretical, practical, and research side?

There is no ambition on your part to perhaps become a professor? Or perhaps spin off into a consultancy career? There is no clear career development in your essay. You focused too much on skills improvement that you neglected to plan the next step in your career that the doctorate should help you address. Maybe you have the opportunity to become a tenured professor after this? Or you have plans to launch your own school? You have to remember, the prompt is asking you to look forward based on 3 considerations. Where do you see your career heading after you complete this course? Go beyond the technical, go beyond the theoretical. Try to discuss each aspect in an individual paragraph so that you cover all the bases in this response:

- Practical in relation to your teaching skills
- Theoretical in relation to your research interests and goals
- Personal when considering your career advancement after completing the course

That means, you need to show 3 direct response paragraphs in this essay. Write a new essay instead of editing this version. That way you can say what you need, without worrying about the 2000 character count in the revision. Starting from 0 will allow you to clearly discuss how you expect the course completion to contribute to your career, within the 2000 character count.

Scholarship / Practical examples on how will I use my knowledge and skills and list of constrainsts- AAS [4]

You are not referring to how your new knowledge will help you address the problems. It sounds to me, as a reviewer, that you do not really need to study this course or go to Australia to be able to address the problems you indicated. The instructions clearly state that a connection between your studies and the plans you have for your career upon your return must be addressed in this essay. I do not see a connection between the course knowledge and professional network development in this essay. You need to review your work. Think of how the course requirements. What are the 3 things you know you will learn about during the course? How can you apply those theoretical and practical skills to your profession upon your return? More importantly, how will the network you will be creating, through your classmates and the previous graduates of this course (internationally) help you overcome the potential problems you may have with regards to fulfilling the connected plans?

There are 3 areas your plans have to address so pick one plan per sector:
- professional
- personal
- network

Address all 3 in your revised essay so that you can fully explain the requirements of the essay. Focus on explaining the useful skills and the importance of the network you will be creating. Those will be of extra importance when you consider how you will face and overcome the problems you will be indicating in the essay. Explain how these skills (academic and practical) and network will be the instruments that can help you succeed.

Writing Feedback / Children learn to read words through only Online reading or printed materials? Essay Academic IELTS [2]

You do know that this type of discussion is always presented as a 3 paragraph essay right? Your format is totally incorrect. You focused solely on your personal point of view in the presentation. You have not properly formatted the discussion paragraphs which should have clearly explained:

- the public belief in children learning through printed reading material and why
- the public belief in the internet based reading and why it is more effective
- Your personal belief as to the best way to teach children to read

By the way, you can make up information based on your personal experience and knowledge in any IELTS essay. However, you must not frame it in the form of a researched presentation. Do not use references to any information you present. Always use a personal point of view. You could have simply said that "my younger brother enjoyed learning how to read using animated YouTube cartoons instead of the picture books our parents used to teach him how to read", or something like that.

The essay fails to provide the comparative point of view for the 2 public opinions prior to your personal point of view. It comes across as a totally personal opinion paper instead. You must use group pronouns to refer to the public opinion and then, use the personal pronouns throughout your personal point of view explanation. That way you clearly format the discussion as per the discussion instructions of the prompt. Use only the topics presented in the original, but you can use general reasons for the explanation. Just avoid the reference to research materials, that is never used in Task 2 essays.

Your explanations are too wordy in a confusing manner. Try to present a clarity of thought in your discussion paragraphs. Do not use so much unnatural feeling vocabulary that the examiner will see that you are only focused on the LR section of the presentation. Always use a balanced focus on all scoring considerations to gain the highest possible score for your essay.

Your discussion deviated from the reasoning topics provided by the original. You created a health discussion regarding eye fatigue, which was never part of the original discussion. The only topic was either children learn to read using online or printed material. There was no cause to discuss eye health issues, it never figured in the original prompt. If it isn't in the original presentation, it doesn't go into your discussion.

Writing Feedback / Massive growth of international tourism directly affected to the wide knowledge of English language [3]

The essay asks you to discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of having one global language. Therefore, your approach to the essay is correct. This is an A/D essay. One paragraph for each discussion point. The problem, is that you overwrote in the essay. You should not go beyond 275-290 words. You avoid making more scoring errors when you write within that word count. You should not be trying to write too many English sentences when you are obviously not yet proficient in English writing. The less words you write, the lesser the risk of multiple errors. Write within that word range and you will find that you still have time to review your work, catch your errors (spelling, grammar, vocabulary, punctuation usage), correct the errors, and maximize your scoring potential.

You should not just write for the sake of writing. The IELTS test scores you heavily on the clarity of your sentences and paragraphs. Your paragraphs are not going to receive a passing mark based on the scoring requirements for clarity and coherence. You are trying to simply translate word for word from your native tongue to English. That is why the words you have chosen to use in English do not flow naturally, nor do they make sense to a native speaker once you have put the word choices together in a sentence / paragraph.

If you do not say "On the one hand" in the prior paragraph, you should not say "On the other hand" in the next paragraph. It loses the comparative implication and connection between the two paragraphs. In fact, you should avoid using such word fillers altogether. Simply use topic sentences. In this instance, start one with an advantage topic and the next with the disadvantage, or vice versa. Make every word you write count. Do not use fillers that will not push your scores higher overall.

Look, this is your first IELTS test so I will not be too hard on you. I'll start with the obvious problem in your writing instead. That is, your presentations lack clarity. It is difficult for the reader to understand what you are trying to say because of your bad word choices and sentence structure. Next time, use simple vocabulary, use simple sentences for the presentation. You don't need to aim too high. The point of this test is to show that you can express yourself clearly in English to a native speaker. Focus on sentence development exercises. You need it. Those exercises will help you learn how to write coherent sentences. It may not be concise at first, but at least it will be understandable in the long form. Start there and work your way up to short but clear sentences.

Writing Feedback / Chart A below shows the rate of oil consumption (in millions of barrels) in a small country [2]

There is a 3 sentence minimum requirement for the task 1 essay. You should be writing between 3-5 sentences or 175-190 words overall. Even though you wrote less than 190 words, your report still lacks proper formatting due to the sentence requirement per paragraph. Next time, make sure to use more full stops (period) than commas in your presentation. Never present 2 different ideas in one sentence, using only a comma to separate the ideas. That is why you fall short of the sentence requirement and, you do not appropriately use various punctuation marks throughout your essay.

When you write this type of essay, make sure to completely paraphrase the discussion. Avoid using phrases from the original prompt so that you can increase your LR score. In this case, you still used the phrase "in a country", which is too similar to the original. You should have instead said "in an unknown, limited sized country" to restate the phrase "in a small country". The word "unknown" indicates that no name for the country was given in the image and "limited sized" refers to the "small" size of the country.

Overall, the problem of your presentation lies in the run-on sentences. Try to come up with a better mix of complex and simple sentences, without writing long sentences that do not properly represent the requirements of the GRA scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / The charts below show the proportion of people's total spending in a particular European country [3]

I cannot review your work against the chart that you uploaded because the image you included for this report is the incorrect one. You are talking about expenditures but the image you uploaded indicated figures for library visit. In light of the wrong image that you uploaded. I will only be able to do a grammar review for your work. Please be careful next time. Double check the image you attached before you upload it with your paper.

(WARNING! STUDENTS MUST NOT UPLOAD THE IMAGE FOR THE OP !)

I would have to say that you wrote just the right amount of words for the report presentation. The presentation however, requires more work. The summary overview lacks information such as the outline of the data provided, measurement type, and a clearer trending statement. You should also make sure to separate your presentation into paragraphs, clear separations per paragraph. Additionally, make sure you always start your sentences with a capital letter.

The comparative discussion should be completed within 2 paragraphs. The first paragraph is the summary overview and the next 2 paragraphs, should offer an extended discussion of the trending statement. The content of those 2 paragraphs should show the similarities and differences, or overlapping information points. I cannot truly determine the accuracy of your presentation due to the lack of the image. This is the best review that can be done for your work at this point.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Some people believe that all wild animals should be protected [3]

Woah! You are practicing for an IELTS test, you are not writing an academic paper. Why would you type up 436 words for a 20 minute task? You do realize that there is no way you can write that many words during the actual test right? Even if you were taking the computer based test, you would still need to allot at least 10 minutes for the review of the essay you have written. You have to learn to allot time properly to complete the task with review, editing, and revision included.

You should be dividing the time as follows for task:

10 minutes to outline the paper
20 minutes to draft the paper
10 minutes to revise the paper

You have made several errors within the task that would truly limit your ability to pass the test. Do not over write. Overwriting is just as bad as underwriting because you make more errors when you focus on length instead of clarity and quality of writing. Stay within the suggested 275-290 words for the total essay. You cannot go wrong by writing just the right number of words in your essay.

You tried to show off your vocabulary in the essay, which led to the under development of the discussion topics you presented. Even though you presented a tremendous amount of information per paragraph, you did not clearly explain your reasons, examples, and justifications for your examples in your paragraphs. You should not be using more than 2 inter connected topics per paragraph. Ideally, you should be using only one topic sentence per paragraph so that you can focus on the clarity of your presentation.

You are not scored on the word count. You are not scored on your knowledge, you are not scored on your vocabulary alone. You should be showing your ability to write comprehensively in English with a mix of simple and complex sentences. The writing should be well developed, clear, and concise. All of the latter traits are missing in your current work.

Errors:

Singular v. Plural presentation:
... the natural habitat are - the natural habitat is (habitat is singular)

Indefinite article usage:
mosquito as an clear ... - ... as a clear (a before consonant sounds, an before vowel sounds)

Comma usage:
... natural habitat is destroyed , and many species

There are several more errors in your writing that need to be addressed. However, this post will become too long if I address all of the errors you made. The errors I pointed out, along with my review of the mistakes in your presentation should help you get started on doing your work properly the next time around.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Book 8 Test 1 Task 2 -School is the place to teach children how to be good members of society? [3]

You did not follow the prompt requirements. It appears that you thought that this essay was a single opinion presentation. It is actually a 3 point of view essay presentation as per the discussion instructions. You were asked to; "Discuss both points of view and present your own opinion". That made it a 3 opinion discussion presentation. However, you do not just present the opinions, you have to explain it as well.

There are 2 public points of view that you have to explain in this essay before you present your own opinion:

POV 1: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.
POV 2: Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
POV 3: Whichever public POV you tend to support or, a totally different point of view if you so desire to discuss

The essay that you wrote does not follow the expected format for the discussion. An alternative discussion presentation would have been:

POV 1: Explain the public point of view, add your dis/agreement within the discussion and explain why.
POV 2: Explain the next point of view, again add your dis/agreement towards the end of the paragraph and explain why.

Between the two formats though, I would suggest that you use the first format, until you become fluent enough in discussions to be able to combine two differing points of view in one discussion paragraph.

Do not misunderstand, you presented a pretty good discussion. It is the presentation format that was incorrect. The presentation format is always indicated in the discussion instructions of the original prompt. That is always formed either in the form of a question or, as opinion discussion instructions. Be cognizant of the discussion instructions so that your essay will always follow the correct presentation format.

Scholarship / AAS 2020 : how the scholarship helps me to be more global-minded? [3]

The only part of this statement that actually works is the one about: "getting accepted by AAS will open my connection to a vast network of scholar and professional worldwide that will be beneficial not only for myself but also for my firm." To build on this response, you need to explain how your current firm requires more professionals in this field and why. Explain how, after you complete the studies, you will be able to go back and train the HR department in relation to the professional needs of your firm in this field. By becoming an AAS scholar, you will be able promote the scholarship among the other trainees who are looking for ways to further advance their careers as well. As such, the importance of AAS in this field will be of high importance not only to yourself and the firm, but to the future scholars coming from your organization as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Travelling to abroad, reasons and consequences [4]

So, you wrote a wonderful essay. The problem? It doesn't deliver the prompt requirements because you did not properly outline the essay in the first paragraph. Aside from paraphrasing the original topic, you were supposed to respond directly to the questions:

- Why?
- Is this a positive or negative development?

You were being asked a general question that required a general, not focused discussion. The focused discussion you created, in relation to students spending time overseas, is the first error in this essay. The second error, pertains to your continued failure to respond to the other question, is this a positive or negative development? It does not have anything to do with the preparation of travelers in relation to their travel. You also never said if you saw this as a positive or negative development.

Considering the actual prompt requirements, it appears that your essay deviated from the actual discussion topics required. It does not respond directly to any question asked since you changed the discussion requirements based upon your prompt paraphrase and question responses. You failed to show an ability to understand the basic discussion topic and discussion requirements of the essay. The essay does not qualify as a properly developed essay in relation to the given requirements.

To be clear, there is no problem with the information that your made up for the essay. The problem, is that it did not reflect the discussion requirements of the essay. Let me show you how you could have started off this essay in the proper paraphrased format:

Citizens have been making trips to various nations. I believe that this is because travel has been made easier by border-less nations such as the European Union. Personally, I I believe that this has resulted in a non positive advancement.

From there, the second paragraph should explain how borderl-ess nations have eased the travel restrictions, allowing the travelers to go from country to country freely. Then, the last reasoning paragraph should explain why you believe that border-less travel has resulted in a negative development for travelers or the countries people travel to.

The discussion format I suggested above would have resulted in a more appropriate discussion format for the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Essay about whether school should teach traditional subjects or practical knowledge. [2]

Please remember that this 40 minute task has to be edited and finalized in terms of content. Do not focus on the length of the essay because you run out of time to edit the paper. The mere length will not assure you of an overall passing consideration. You need to leave at least 5 minutes to make sure that there are no spelling errors, no incorrect vocabulary usage, no unclear sentences or paragraphs. You have all of those problems existing in this essay. Had you written an essay between 275-290 words in length, you would have avoided those errors and also allowed yourself some time to perfect the essay content.

For starters, you did not really respond to the extent question in the essay. What you gave as a response was:

Pondering upon this issue, I hold a strong interest on the later perception.

What is the latter perception? Did you even realize that your total paragraph, because of your unreasonable focus on trying to impress the reviewer with your vocabulary, you failed to properly paraphrase the original prompt? You did not express a clear thought in the prompt paraphrase. Your paraphrase even contains information not included in the original prompt. The more appropriate paraphrase would have been:

Educational institutions tend to focus on conventional learning courses. It is commonly believed that these forms of learning are no longer capable of equipping learners for modern occupational conditions. I strongly agree with this belief for various reasons.

You have to clearly rephrase the original topic and reason. After that, you give a clear, pointed response to the question posed. That is how you properly paraphrase the original presentation. Your presentation was nowhere near a proper paraphrase because you veered away from the original discussion through the reference to the question of curriculum creation, which wasn't the discussion focus of the essay at all. Hence the improper paraphrase and the confusing response to the question that you created.

Your discussion topics are incorrect. The ability to write a proper resume has nothing to do with the preparedness of an individual to perform his job. Rather, it is the proper practical training that should be the focus of your discussion at that point. Your second reasoning paragraph is even further off the discussion topic. Your reasons would have probably been more applicable had you provided proper discussion examples and supporting explanations. Right now, all your paragraphs lack clarity and coherence. Which will be main reasons why it will get a low score in the end.

Writing Feedback / What are the advantages and disadvantages of going to the university? Discuss both views. [3]

Are you sure you have the right prompt for this essay? It seems to me that you just made up the prompt for the topic because the A/D essay never asks you to offer a personal opinion as part of the discussion. I wish you had posted the original prompt along with your essay so that I could have a better idea of how the format of your response was really supposed to go. Like I said, there is some confusion as to the discussion format for your essay at this point. Without the original prompt I cannot precisely review your paraphrase, response, and discussion paragraphs. Anyway, I will leave those sections alone and just review your essay for grammar requirements instead. You should remember to post the complete prompt into the text box next time, before you post your essay.

Based on the 40 minutes allotted for this task, I do not feel comfortable seeing you write more than 290 words for this essay. That tells me that you focused more on length than the quality of the writing. As I reviewed your essay, I saw that I was right. You were focused more on increasing your LR score more than anything else. Let me tell you now, an unusual focus on your LR presentation, along with the word count, will never assure you of a high scoring essay. Your sentence formations are problematic and the word choices, in certain instances, do not feel natural. It seems forcibly used in the discussion half the time.

You have a tendency to use memorized phrases such as "over and over". Such is an overused phrase that does not truly reflect your language abilities nor your writing capabilities. You should look into using more natural sounding words that are not part of the memorized or over used phrases list for the test.

Both the prompt paraphrase (first paragraph) and the concluding paraphrase (last paragraph) should contain at least 3 sentences covering a summary of the information from the original prompt (first paragraph), while the last paragraph should show your discussion and concluding summary (reasoning paragraph topics and restatement of your opinion). This will allow you to show your ability to restate information in 2 different, but still relevant ways, to your reader.

I'll give you a more focused review with your next practice test. Just remember to post the original discussion topic / prompt so I can do that. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT Writing task 2- How do you think children should spend their free time ? [5]

Your discussion format is incorrect. Your direct opinion is being asked for, this is not a comparative discussion. The point for discussion in the 2 reasoning paragraphs should have been based on:

How do you think children should spend their free time?

The choices for spending their free time being:
- doing their homework
- however the child wants to spend it

These are the discussion considerations that led to the failure of your essay. The discussion you should have been defending, in a single opinion should have been taken from the aforementioned time spending activities. Your misunderstanding of the original prompt led to the incorrect prompt restatement and succeeding incorrect reasoning paragraphs. The correct paraphrase is:

There is an ongoing discussion pertaining to how kids should be utilizing their extra time. There are those that believe that youngsters are allowed too much time without doing anything productive. Others feel that the hours should be accounted for by addressing more educational requirements. I believe that children should be allowed to spend their non-academic time doing whatever they want.

Then, without falling into the comparative discussion trap, you could have explained, in 2 reasoning paragraphs, why you believe children should be allowed to spend their free time doing what they want. Create a relationship between the belief that children are given too much free time and why you believe that time away from academics would be a good thing. Both reasoning paragraphs must support your point of view that children should have the freedom to spend their extra time any way they want.

By the way, the opening and closing statements need to be 3-5 sentences long. That is the requirement for the paragraph format, regardless of its position in the presentation. So you fell short by 2-4 sentences in those sections. Remember to follow the sentence count next time. It will help increase your overall score. Just always remember that the opening and closing paragraphs are both composed of summarized information. The first takes information from the original prompt and the last, takes the data from the original topic, reasoning paragraphs, and a repeat of your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 The graph gives information about changes in the birth and death rates in New Zealand [3]

You should not have written 207 words for this task. Since it is only a 20 minute task, the advisable word count is anywhere from 175-190 words. Focus on the editing of the content of the essay, not the length. If you focus on the length, you will make mistakes that will affect your final score or run out of time for editing. As it is, the main problem of this essay is the paragraph formatting. The basic requirement is 3-5 sentences per paragraph, without run-on sentences. Your paragraphs are mostly comprise of 1 or 2 sentences, well under the minimum requirement. That means each paragraph is grammatically incorrect as you are presenting run-on sentences instead of a mix of simple and complex sentences per paragraph.

Additionally, long paragraphs tend to create difficult to follow explanation patterns as you are using more commas instead full stops to separate your thoughts per sentence. Use a mix of punctuation marks as well to kick up your scores. Showing your writing formality through the use of periods, commas, semi-colons, among other punctuation marks would help you do that. Read other writing samples to see how that is done.

Word clarity is also important in your essay. So, rather than saying "instead of demonstrating...", the sentence would have been clearer with one simple word change, "instead of showing". Since you are doing a formal report based on accurate measurements, you should also avoid using probable terms such as "almost 59 percent" and "relatively huge". Just say what you mean, based on the verified information from the chart.

You do not have a clear trending statement in the presentation. Learn to use verbal cues to indicate the clear start of a trending statement such as "The foreseeable trend is..." or "Based on the information, fluctuations in... show that the direction/movement/tendency..." , to show you but a few other verbal cues for "trending statement" in your presentation. You also forgot to indicate the measurement process in the summary overview (thousands). There is also the problem of your year reference, it should have indicated a "decade on decade measurement" starting from 1901, ending in 2001. Remember, the summary overview should also have at least 3 sentences. Just divide the overview of information presented in the chart to achieve that.

Try to compress your presentation. This should only be a 3 paragraph presentation. 4 paragraph presentations are for the Task 2 essay discussions.

Writing Feedback / The issue of the increasing crime rate has presented itself as a vital challenge in this day and age [2]

Your essay is not focused on a a discussion regarding the reasons why the crime rate is increasing and how it can be resolved, You were perhaps influenced by the events occurring in the United States these days which related to racism and racial discrimination, which are totally different from regular crimes, which the essay was trying to have you discuss. Your essay focused on the racial aspects of crime rather than the regular reasons for crime such as poverty, lack of education, joblessness, etc. So I am sorry but, your essay did not discuss the correct topic as based on the prompt requirement. It is totally incorrect in discussion format. Your misunderstood the term "crime rate". You got it confused with racial issues, which has been causing discord in America and other parts of the world these days. So this essay is not going to get a passing score. It did not come near the proper discussion qualifications for the given topic. The score for this essay will be 1. The essay was completely unrelated to the task.

Writing Feedback / Writing homework at university: The Food Culture Difference between Britain and Vietnam [2]

The instruction is for you to take one aspect of similarity between British and Vietnamese life, then compare the 2 in your discussion. So, this is supposed to be a 4 paragraph essay covering only 1 comparison point, not several as you presented in this essay. Why do you discuss only one comparison point in this essay? The instruction clearly states:

Compare one aspect/part of British culture with the same one from your own culture.

The key phrase for the instruction is "one aspect/ part", one, singular. You used several points in the discussion which means you did not understand the homework. In this case, you could have discussed how Vietnamese eat rice as a regular staple with each meal, while the Brits mostly have their meals with bread or potatoes with their meals. Discussing each extensively in individual paragraphs would have been more topic adherent and format compliant for your homework discussion. Or, you could have spoken of how the Vietnamese use chopsticks and the Brits often use a fork and knife for their basic meal set-up. One paragraph each again.

You over discussed in this essay due to your eagerness to comply with the discussion requirements. You did not bother to clarify the discussion instructions since you obviously misunderstood the meaning of "one aspect of British culture with the same from your own culture". So in this case, you used several aspects:

- Food
- cutlery
- Staple food
- Tea

You should have only used one of those topics for the discussion:
- Meals in relation to food
- Meals in relation to cutlery
- Meals in relation to staple food
- Meals in relation to beverage choice (tea)

Only one of those sub-aspects of the meal should have been discussed in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Having an organized room will lead you to the success. [4]

There is a misconception in your presentation. The prompt is not referring to a room or a work desk. It is merely referring to an organized room, in general. No specific room was indicated and yet in your discussion, you focused on an office work desk and an apartment. You also indicated that your discussion would focus on the effect of clutter on the brain because the brain will not have a lot of distractions and be confused. The topic for discussion is actually the rate of success that organized people achieve in their lives based on keeping a tidy or organized room.

Your score for this essay could very well fall under the 1 mark due to the questionable responsiveness to the task. Again, the discussion is about "success in relation to organization of a room". However, your discussions only represent efficient work within a cluttered environment. So it does not properly address the task requirement for the discussion. The topic you chose to discuss is not covered by the original prompt.

While your command of written English is acceptable, the problem you have relates to your comprehension skills or your ability to understand English discussion requirements. You should work on your comprehension skills so that you can more appropriately respond to the task requirements. You can do that by doing more English reading and explanation exercises before you continue with writing your TOEFL practice essays.

Graduate / Lecturer in a higher institution - KGSP Future Plan. [2]

This is not a true KGSP Future after studies plan. This is a non-answer that does not give specifics with regards to the prompt requirement. As you well know, the Future Plan After Study essay has the following prompt requirement:

Future plan in Korea or another country after study in Korea

You are expected by the GKS to stay in Korea for a period of time after you graduate. What do you plan to do in terms of advancing your career while you stay in Korea? How do you plan to execute that plan? After that period of time, you will be returning to your home country, what then? You need to have a more detailed explanation that covers both your stay in Korea after graduation and upon your return.

What you presented is just a summary, an overview that doesn't really deliver the required information. Think seriously about your career plan in 2 phases. Then write the essay. Make sure you have 2 plans of action:

- After graduation and staying in Korea;
- Upon return to your home country.

Clearly depict a career plan within those 2 scenarios and your essay should come closer to a proper response to the prompt.

Research Papers / How is racism influenced by the nurture or nature theory? [3]

The first rule of academic writing is: "never use Wikipedia as a primary source". You cannot use that site as a primary source because the information in that webiste is easily edited in real time, by any user due to its creative commons license. That means, the information you gain from the site could be questionable, faulty, unreliable, or incorrect. These are the reasons why academic frown upon students who rely on Wikipedia for information what should be an authoritative research based paper.

Your opening statement should be better formatted towards a research paper introduction. You should first, introduce the reader, who may not be familiar with the concept of nurture v nature with the ideology behind the concept. You should clearly explain what the theory is about and then, connect it to the racism question. Explain why some experts see nature v nurture as a contributing factor to racism. Then, explain to the reader which of the two sides you believe has a stronger contribution to racism, thus making that the focal point of proof within your research paper. You may also opt to say that you will be doing a comparative research, without trying to influence the final opinion of the reader.

By doing what I instructed above, you will be able to present a clear background of the research, foundation for the discussion, and finally, your thesis statement, which will spell out the rest of the discussion within your paper.

You should ask your teacher what kind of quotations or citations you need to use in the paper. Then ask if you should use a specific paper format for presenting the borrowed information. Should the paper presentation format be in MLA, APA, Turabian, Chicago, Harvard, or another format? Knowing that will help you to properly format the total discussion and presentation to the reader. When you write an academic paper, the clarity of the presentation comes partly from the formatting of the presented information. Using quotes would also help you give a voice of authority to your opinion as you can use the words of other people in the presentation to help you create a convincing discussion. Be careful though, don't use too many quotes as some professors would rather you paraphrase the quotes instead.

I am not sure how the human DNA presentation fits into this discussion. The idea behind the discussion is that; "The nature versus nurture debate involves whether human behavior is determined by the environment, either prenatal or during a person's life, or by a person's genes. " Your discussion based on human DNA did not really relate to the theory so you would probably need to do more research to find a co-relation between DNA and the racist nature of a person. That is, if you want to use a comparative discussion approach for your research paper, leaving the final decision for the reader to create as their personal opinion after reading your paper.

The problem with your essay isn't just grammar. That is the least of your problems in this presentation. To study abroad, you first have to prove that you are capable of doing proper opinion papers, research papers, or simple discussion essays. That is what I am trying to point out to you with this review of your work.

Writing Feedback / Scientific experiments and development may cause irreversible harms on human beings and the nature [3]

As you neglected to include the article or full opinion that you are expected to have based your discussion essay on, I will not be able to review your essay based on the GRE scoring considerations. Instead, I will just to a grammar review of your work. If you want a full review of your potential to pass this test, remember to include the discussion instructions next time.

I would like to caution you on focusing on essay length as opposed to essay quality. The longer your essay is, the more mistakes you will tend to make If you can balance your length with your writing quality, that would be great, However, based on my review of your grammar errors, it appears that you should sacrifice some length in exchange for time to perfect your essay content instead. Mid-length and clear essays will always score better than simply long essays.

Incorrect verb form:
... some scientists had started to proposed... - to propose

Clarity sometimes requires the use of simpler words:
... what we observed by colliding... - ... we saw by...
... taking appropriate precautions ... - taking proper precautions

Lack of clarity in presentation:
Additionally, if we creating out them... - if we are creating them...
who are going to be responsible for... - who will be responsible...

Avoid using words of uncertainty:
... this possible dream - this dream...

Do not use contractions in formal writing:
don't - do not

My more focused review of your work will depend upon your providing the discussion instructions next time. I am limited in reviewing your work when I do not know what the purpose for the writing it.

Writing Feedback / Composition of NCE Lesson 19 good deal of fortune [2]

Please remember to provide the writing instructions for your essay next time. It will be difficult for me to provide you with a proper review without knowing what the expectations are for your writing. You should consider that I am here to help you improve your writing skills, but you need to give me the instruments to be able to do that. All I need are the writing instructions to be able to do my job more effectively. I look forward to reading the instructions for your writing exercise next time.

I have to say, the story is interesting but without a proper conclusion. I am not sure why it happened that way. While the second half of the story if gripping in a simple manner, the first part lacks in story development. You properly threshed out the character of Mrs. Ramsay, but you failed to properly develop the character background of Mr. Brand and why he would be interested in kidnapping the cat. Additionally, why would the workman be all too knowing about Mrs. Ramsay? How is he related to the worker? What was the motive for the kidnapping aside from a ransom? There are still too many plot and character development points that need to be addressed in the story telling. Right now, it is a draft that needs a lot of work.

Scholarship / AAS - answering the question about a challenge and change implementation. Scholarship essay [3]

The actual problem solving skill that is required in this essay is more complicated than what you presented. You need to show a leadership accomplishment far more complicated than a simple template problem. In fact, the reviewer will not even consider the approval of a template a leadership problem. Expect to lose out on the scholarship if you use this response because it will not hold up to the competition. Your competitors will be of highly qualified competencies and leadership roles in their own offices. They will have experiences in relation to true problem solving requirements in their offices. Situations that will require them to come out of their comfort zone to find a solution to the problem. They will be facing real obstacles at the office that could spell the success or failure of a project or undertaking. Situations that could say, cause a business to go bankrupt, result in the failure of a merger, or force the cancellation of a project. Events that would truly impact their careers if they fail to resolve a situation or complication. Your essay does not do any of that.

I strongly urge you to write a new essay. Based on the information I provided above, I am sure you can remember a time when you were truly challenged at your office and forced to show your leadership skills. Think of a time when you impressed your superiors with a your problem solving skills in a real dire situation. That is how you should approach the response to the essay. Look at the prompt again, the discussion requirements are not really reflected in your response. It just won't work when compared to the other applicants responses to the prompt.

Scholarship / General PhD scholarship motivation letter [2]

The first 2 sections of your essay are not really significant to this PhD motivation letter. As a scholarship applicant, you should be discussing your motivation in a more professional manner. Right now, this essay sounds like it was written for a high school scholarship instead of a PhD. The writing is too elementary and does not reflect the insight and abilities of a person who supposedly has a masters degree tucked under his belt.

Work on revising the scholarship motivation letter by using paragraphs 3,4 and 5. These are the more significant presentations that relate to your motivation. However, you should also be discussing how your masters degree studies influenced and motivated you to pursue a PhD. What more do you hope to achieve? Why is that your driving motivation?

You need to sound more like a highly educated person in this essay. It is too simplistic and makes you come across as a not so very well educated person instead. The reviewer will find it hard to believe that you are an undergraduate, much less a masters graduate, based on the type of informal, casual, and mid-range English vocabulary used in this essay.

Try to use more advanced vocabulary in relation to your profession. You need to sound better educated in the essay. Try to impress the reviewer, but not too much. Don't try too hard, but don't try to little, as you did in this essay, either. Try to find a language balance that will help you both inform and impress the scholarship reviewer.

If I knew what the motivation letter instructions were, I believe i could have given you even more significant advice. Unfortunately, you forgot to upload the instructions so I can only give you a general review of your essay.

Scholarship / Crimson Palette and Duality - QuestBridge Biographical Essay [2]

Your presentation isn't very interesting. It is very poetic and contemplative, but in too much of a non-descriptive manner. It also tends to be redundant in the part about October. You use the same intro in 2 successive paragraphs. The reviewer doesn't really have the time to analyze the creative writing style you have used in this presentation. He doesn't want to have to analyze what you mean or refer to with your words. He needs you to be direct to the point. Just talk to him as if you were having a formal interview. Be straightforward. Don't try to over dramatize, don't mix different writing formats. Just talk to him. He'll understand you better. Focus on the effect that your father's arrest and imprisonment had on you. That seems to be the most interesting part of this current presentation and should be the focus of your revised essay so that the reviewer will really get a clear picture of how you grew up and were affected by significant events in your life.