Scholarship / UK is the right place to learn about coastal environment and engineering and to broaden my network [3]

Shofia, do not take shortcuts with this pivotal essay. You are rushing it and you are not doing a very good job of creating your application essays in the process. In this instance, you decided that it would be enough to mention the university and simply state that your first and second course choices are housed at that university. Huh? So what then? Why should the reviewer care that these courses exist there? There are no individualized discussions as to why these courses are important to you and how these will help your career in the future. Simply stating that the courses provided suit your needs doesn't tell the reviewer anything about the importance of these courses to your future career. What needs are you talking about? How does the course provide career growth for you? You need to develop the responses by explaining, in individual paragraphs, what academic courses you took that relate to this masters degree and what professional problems completing this course will address. Indicate how your current profession has already given you a background in this area. Do that for each course specification. Chevening doesn't like it when the applicants submit haphazard essays. That normally does not sit well with them and will affect the outcome of your application.

Scholarship / A well-established network has become an essential part of our live and valuable tool for our career [3]

Hadeer, please ignore the advice given above. It is a cut and paste advice of advice that I gave to someone else and does not apply to your essay. Your essay actually responds quite well to the networking question and, obviously the above poster did not read your essay or he did not understand it well enough to realize that you have all of the salient networking discussion points well represented in this essay. In fact, you responded to the questions he posed for you to correct. This essay is perfect for use with this prompt. There is no need to change or explain anything. You can go ahead and use this essay without worry or fear that it is not good enough. It is good enough. It clearly shows a usable network for Chevening to consider and highlights you networking abilities in an appropriate manner.

Scholarship / The success of maintaining good relations - CHEVENING Essay [4]

Obbie, you are not being asked to describe your networking skills. You are being asked to to explain how the network you created became an important function in your job performance. You always speak of this life threatening case that you had to handle in a region of your country. How did you create a network that proved to be of service to your purpose? Who were involved in this network? Do not focus on just the police network. You spoke previously of being able to device a safe way to accomplish the work tasks. What sort of network was involved in making that happen? Discuss the importance of this network in relation to completing auditing tasks in your country. Would this network be of use to Chevening in a way? If you believe it is, then explain why. Bear in mind that the network you speak of here has to be specific because Chevening will require it to be an addition to its network stemming from alumni membership. So do not be so generalized in discussion. You need to be specific and detailed so that Chevening can give your network full consideration.

Scholarship / An effective leader or influencer - CHEVENING SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Obbie, there is just one slight information addition that you should make to this essay in order to make it fully usable for the essay. You need to explain how you protected your subordinates in this instance. A true leader will not only adjust the office related objectives. He will also ensure the safety of his employees in dangerous situations. So what did you do as the leader of the group to enhance the protection of your team? Did you ask the local police for assistance? Did the office supply your team with bodyguards? What did you do to try and diffuse the highly charged situation? Explaining how you protected your team and the welfare of your team members is an important factor to present in this essay. It will help to enhance the leadership skills that you have and also, emphasize the importance of influencing skills in this instance.

Letters / This is a letter of recomentation from the Head of computer engineering department. [3]

Shubhankar, this essay is so meticulous in detail that the reviewer will immediately know that you, not the instructor, wrote this essay. For one thing, the instructor will know that a recommendation letter should never speak for other employees of the university you attended. Rather, he will only speak for himself, within the capacity that he had as a teacher to you. Shorten the paragraphs to only essential information such as your GPA in his class and how he observed your work ethic. Your analytical ability description is another reason that you will be found out as having faked this recommendation letter. While your teacher may the person who signs this, it is still a fake because he was not the one who wrote it. The reference to your time management skills, something that the teacher would not know about because he has not seen your study habits, will be another reason that this letter of recommendation will get flagged. Your other activities as he explains it is also another red flag. An inconsistent statement exists when the teacher claims that "served in the NSS for 2 years during your graduation". If you are in the process of graduating, then that means you are in your final year of school. That statement is inconsistent and further shows that an amateur without a proper grasp of the English language wrote this letter. There are simply too many red flags in this recommendation letter for it to be taken as having been written by the teacher. If you want to make this letter pass scrutiny. Then you have to write a proper recommendation letter that covers the following facts only:

1. The name and designation of the person writing the letter and how long he has known you.
2. An evaluation of your character as a student in his class. Do not refer to your character in situations where the teacher is obviously not there to observe you. Stick to his class performance only.

3. A short list of your most memorable accomplishments in his class. This includes your GPA at the end of the school year.

You need only 3 paragraphs for this letter, not 4. It can be done if you shorten the content of this essay and work towards making your grammar more professional sounding so that it is not so obvious that you wrote your own recommendation letter.

Scholarship / The World's most influential leader [3]

Patrick, this essay is more relevant towards the networking prompt than the leadership and influencing requirements. You can save this essay for use in the networking essay but you will have to write a new essay that focuses on displaying your leadership and influencing abilities in the sense of management issues. This mean, work related discussions. Identify what your profession is. What is your position title? Do you have people who answer to you? What sort of work does your organization do? What problems do you have to deal with? Think of a particularly difficult problem that had you testing your leadership of the team and required you to influence the group or some other person or organization in order to create a successful undertaking. All of your explanations in this essay relate more as to how you run an organization based on a network such as gaining outside sponsorship or crowd funding. That is different from the leadership and influencing requirements. You may want to review the examples here in order to get a better idea as to how you can best respond to the prompt.

Scholarship / NETWORKING FOR HEALTHCARE- NETWORKING ESSAY FOR CHEVENING SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Nzalie, this essay is a perfect response to the networking requirements. As a physician, you truly have a wide network in various medical fields to speak of. It is a normal part of your job and therefore becomes an expected part of your practice. While you do not refer to actual organizations and hospital names in the essay, that is understandable. As a doctor you do not network on a hospital basis, you network on a professional to professional basis. I do not see any reason to revise the content of this essay. I also believe that this essay can help boost your chances at the scholarship. If you would want to increase your chances, you can mention the hospital that your contacts are connected with. I don't find it necessary though so you may want to consider it optional instead. Good work. You can actually use this essay as is. Don't worry about the grammar problems. It does not affect the presentation of your essay. You need to present the essay as is, without grammar changes because the reviewers are also assessing your grasp of the English language and how effectively you can use it in writing papers.

Writing Feedback / Rate and comment on my argumentative essay for GRE- Late night television news viewership decline [4]

Hi Somya, this essay is a far cry from the first one that you wrote. This one shows a clear understanding of the article that you were given for analysis. Your comparison and discussion points were well on the mark. You displayed a clear analysis for every point delivered in the article and your opinions show that you took the time to consider the best method of discussion to prove your points. The representative arguments are enough to create holes in the original arguments. The reader will definitely find himself pondering the discussion presentations you made. This is a highly improved version of a GRE essay on your part. I would not have believed that this essay was written by the same person who made a mistake with the movie production discussion. Good work. Save for the imperfect grammar, which pulled your score down, I would rate this essay at least a 5. Keep up the good work. Focus on improving your sentence structure and vocabulary presentations in your succeeding practice tests.

Scholarship / Leaders are people who makes difference in our world, who think great thoughts, make personal... [4]

Mohamed, your opening paragraph is highly engaging. It allows the reviewer to understand your concept of leadership and influencing. By the way, the term is "quote" not" quota". Sadly, that is the only nice thing about this essay that you wrote. The essay is too filled with amateur leadership skills that does not prove your ability to lead and influence people within your professional setting. All the academic and sports leadership and influencing references that you made are all the foundation for your leadership skills. These are not your leadership skills in professional action. You need to focus on depicting how you have become a leader and influencer in your line of work. The idea, is to prove that you have the leadership and influencing abilities to effect a positive change in your line of business or within your country upon your return after graduation. Right now, you do not reflect any of these skills in the essay on a professional setting. As such, it becomes a weak presentation because your leadership and influencing abilities rely on a shallow depiction since it is an academic related function in your instance.

Scholarship / I am going to explain several experiences of mine that proving my leadership and influence skills. [3]

Shofia, the Chevening committee is not interested in the foundation of your leadership skills, which is what your essay is all about. What they want to learn from you is how you apply all those lessons in the workplace. How do you handle stressful leadership situations that require you to influence your subordinates into following your various decisions in order to have a successful outcome? While leadership theories can be learned in books and classes, and a person can be trained to become a true leader, that person cannot claim to be a true leader and influencer in his profession, with the potential to become a leader and influencer of sorts in his own country, if he has no true leadership experience to exemplify his leadership lessons and achievements by. This is why you cannot use all of the contents that you created for this essay. There is nothing in it to justify a solid professional leadership personality. You will have to base the professional leadership and influencing personality on the work you do for your father's company instead. You will be up against applicants who are politicians, up and coming business leaders, and economic policy advisers in their home countries for this scholarship. Therefore, your application qualifications need to come up to par with the credentials of the other applicants. while your experience will be usable for an ordinary masters degree SOP, it is not Chevening material. Therefore, you need to up your game with regards to your leadership and influencing credentials.

Scholarship / I want to focus on international HR management as a key factor for my career development (Chevening) [3]

Thy, since this is just a masters degree course you are targeting, you need to only present a 5 year career plan. Anything beyond that amount of time will require you to have a Phd certification. Your career plans should only be for the immediate coverage of your MS certification. One of the main requirements of the Chevening Post Study plan is a UK supported project in your home country. How does HR fit into the priority country projects of the UK in Vietnam? Can you find any justification for that? You must discuss how the UK government sponsored organization in your country supports the improvement of the field of international HR management. If you are unable to find a related UK project in your country then you will not have a good chance of winning this scholarship as the grant prioritizes UK priority projects in specific countries. You have to focus your revision on that missing element without which your application will be refused.

Scholarship / Studying in UK is a life changing experience - Chevening Essay [4]

Mohamed, there is no real career objective in mind in relation to your university and course choices. You claim to have been exposed to the many challenges faced by the multifaceted members of the healthcare field and yet, you failed to deliver an example of at least one of these problems in accordance with your university course choices.

Your essay is weak because it does not consider what problems will be addressed by each university choice. What your interests in learning are differ from the actual profession related problems that you hope to address with each course. You spend too much time discussing irrelevant information such as the ranking of the university and who owns it. The reviewer already knows all of that because he is from the UK. Instead, you should be focusing on creating a believable argument for your enrollment in any of the courses. Base the justification on workplace related concerns in order to properly address the prompt requirement regarding how your work background has prepared you to study each course choice.

Undergraduate / Supplemental UK perspective you bring or experiences you bring you've had to help us understand you [3]

Lisa, you bring a unique perspective to the essay by simply telling the reviewer about your family background. The reasons why you want to succeed in life are clear even though you do not focus on a direct discussion of that in the essay. Knowing that you understand the plight of your family from the time is was created by the early pregnancy of your mother and the trials your parents faced to get their children to where they are now (albeit on different levels), shows the reviewer a perspective coming from stories you were told and what you saw was going on in your family. I would like you to add one personal perspective directly in relation to your brother being an unexpected father as such a young age. Add a point of view that explains how you felt about that considering everything your parents went through, then dial it back to you still being supportive of your brother. That should add more impact the already well written essay that you have here.

Writing Feedback / Number of people think that animals should get rights as people and animals should not be exploited [2]

Guan, you did not provide the complete original prompt along with your response to the essay. You have only indicated the topic sentence and the basis for the discussion. You neglected to provide the discussion instructions so it will be difficult for me to give an accurate review of your essay based upon your presented work. I am not sure if you have actually completed the essay based on the proper instructions at this point. So the only parts that I can review here will be the opening statement and the conclusion as those do not require instruction guidelines as the body of the essay does.

Your opening statement is a confusing paraphrase of the original. For one thing, there is no indication that this topic is debatable as the indication is that it is simply a matter of a difference of opinion between people. That is highly different from a debatable topic. Unfortunately, without the full original prompt, I am unable to help you by providing you with a more accurate example of how to write that part of the essay. As such, I also cannot assess if the body discussion you provided is sufficient based upon the original discussion instructions.

Your closing paragraph is inaccurate as you proceeded to discuss your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph. That should be in a paragraph within one of the body paragraphs instead. The concluding paragraph should just recap the discussion of the topic provided. You did not do that so the essay is open ended instead of concluded.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 For the past year you have been a member of a local club. Now you want to end your membership [2]

@acsstudent you have a pretty good grasp of what you want to say. The problem is in your sentence structure and vocabulary. While I can understand what it is that you want to say, a better grammar presentation will help you to increase your GRA and C&C score. It is not easy to spot your mistakes when typing these practice essays. However, there are things that you can do which can help you improve your grammar skills.

One of the things you can do is run your essay through the free online grammar checkers. That will help you spot the problem points and it can offer you information regarding the proper vocabulary and sentence structure to use. If you have Windows 10 installed in your computer, Word 2016 can help you do this because the program is designed to spot grammar problems and correct it, with suggested words and reference to the grammar rule your structure or choice of words violated. It is a very helpful learning tool for ESL learners.

Scholarship / I consider guiding and leading people towards positivism and working for their rights [6]

Laila, I would like to commend you on your essay because you have shown a clear leadership foundation and development during your academic years. It is truly unfortunate that you cannot use the beginnings of your leadership abilities in this essay. As Chevening is looking for current leaders and influencers in their home country, this applies more to a professional setting instead of an academic or socio-civic setting. You cannot use this essay because of the lack of professional application of your leadership abilities. That is because the scholarship requires their candidates to have the potential to change their country either on a business or political level. So you need to think about your current profession and how it can prove that you have the potential to be a game changer in your profession based upon your potential studies. If you can prove that you have that ability, you will be able to revise the essay into a more appropriate presentation based on the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Face the dynamic changes in communication sector by continuing my study in PR - CHEVENING [4]

Bella, you need to clarify what you have a need to execute different Public Relations techniques. What is your specific problem or problems in this area that you hope to overcome with the completion of a masters education? Your reference to the usefulness of a PR masters course is too vague to make an impression regarding its applicability to your chosen courses. Widen the discussion because you need to justify how you hope to make change in at least 3 avenues of PR relevance. Additionally, you need to create a reference to a specific career goal / training objective in reference to each course / university. The prompt asks you to specific how each course will allow you have some sort of career growth so you need to indicate a specific career path for each course you have chosen. You cannot have the same career path for each course because each course has a different focus. Don't get those presentations confused with your common goal or objective for your masters course though. Those are obviously 2 different presentations.

Scholarship / Description of My Job Experience for Chevening Scholarship [4]

Shofia, your work experience is impressively varied. The short descriptions that you provided for your work responsibilities are informative and shows that you are capable of working in various capacities regardless of the situation or job description. I am just worried though that because of these varied experiences, your application might be questioned. In most instances, applicants for scholarship grants only focus their employment listing on those related to the masters degree that they are applying for and whatever their current position of employment is. That is to avoid confusion on the part of the reviewer who might find it hard to keep track of your relevant work experience in your list. I suggest that you adjust your list accordingly, skipping the presentation of non-related work opportunities that you had. That way the reviewer can find it easier to compare you work experiences. Unless of course, the removal of those other work experiences will make you fall below the work hours requirement. In which case, don't remove the other work experiences that you have had.

Writing Feedback / What does it mean to be an "Aussie?" [3]

Yet again a highly entertaining piece of writing from you. This is fun to read and it does take the reader on the journey of what it means to be an Aussie. However, I find that there are some points in the presentation where additional information is required before the information that you present. For example, when you said that most of the Aussies are mostly born overseas, then you say that you are not a typical Aussie, I take that to mean that you were not born in Australia. So why not identify where you came from so that when you say you may not be a typical Aussie Bogan, the reader knows what you are talking about. That's the only part that I actually find a bit hard to understand in your writing due to what I feel, is a missing reference to connect the two statements.

Graduate / Outline your intersets in pursuing a gradute program (Personal Statement) 200 words. [3]

Kareem, remove the word fillers in your statement because the reviewer already knows this suck up information that you are providing. It will just irritate him because you are mentioning things he already knows in such a word requirement sensitive statement:

Undoubtedly, the University of XXXX is recognized internationally for being a research-intensive university. So,
in this prestigious university and
....etc.
For instance,
Also,

Your response is already informative so you do not need the above list of words to enhance the essay. Just inform the reviewer directly in order to ensure that he reads every bit of information that you hope to share and impress him with. The last sentence in your statement refers to a continued academic learning rather than the plans for a professional career as the prompt requires. Revise your response to indicate what sort of job you hope to perform after completing this masters degree instead.

Scholarship / Continuous development and networking with MasterCard Foundation Scholars [3]

Ugbashi, we have a one essay per thread limitation here so I can only advice you as per the first posting that you made. You will need to start a new thread for the other essay if you want to have me advice you on the content of the second essay. Those are the rules of the forum so please follow them or risk having your account flagged. Thank you.

You have not accurately responded to the prompt because you have given a generalized comment in the essay. The approach to the response should be more university specific. You need to look up the University of Edinburgh in relation to the masters degree you hope to study there and then asses the university offerings and course curriculum. Look at the reasons why this would become a unique learning experience for you. What is it about the experience of studying at the university that would help to transform you from the person you are now, to the person you want to be? Only if you understand what is special about the university will you be able to explain how the learning experience can be transformative for you.

Scholarship / exploring philanthropic interest through the medium of design and architecture [2]

Ayu, this is not a proper professional networking essay for the Chevening scholarship. The networking promot is very specific. It needs to be profession related ruing the time when yo were not a student anymore and instead, has you already practicing your skills in a professional setting. So this means, you need to highlight how you created these professional networks after you graduated. i will grant that these networks could have been built during your academic years, but the prompt is not asking about your academic network. So you need to transfer those to a professional setting and you need to explain why this network will be an excellent addition to the Chevening network. What benefit can the scholars gain from your network? I don't really get the sense that this network has any use to Chevening so you need to justify it. How do you use your network in your line of work? How does your network get any benefit from their relationship with you? What is the basis of the network you created? Revise your essay to respond to the guide questions and remember you need to discuss a professional setting so class projects and student competitions are out of this essay.

Writing Feedback / When is Rome, do as the Romans do. Acceptation for the foreign culture. Direct question essay. [3]

SG, I think your overall score for this direct question essay could fall under the marker of 6. Your paraphrasing shows that you understood the question and how you had to respond to it. The problem, is that you treated it like an opinion essay (I will discuss my ideas below) when you were only directed to immediately present your opinion at the end of the paraphrase. The actual discussion build up was in the next paragraphs and you did not have to say that anymore. Your discussions are understandable but not properly developed in terms of cohesiveness, cohesion, and grammar structure. That did not affect the way that the reader understood your presentation though so you got a consistent 6 in the scoring considerations. This is a pretty good, passable essay. You just need to improve on your grammar structure and sentence development presentations.

Scholarship / Leadership is about empowering the team, pushing own idealistic is bad decision in designing project [2]

Ayu, please remove the reference to your being a treasurer of the student union. It is not really an acceptable leadership position because it is an academic related position and was not developed in a proper manner suitable for the presentation. It is irrelevant to the essay. However, your early projects as a student qualifies as a professional experience due to the elements you presented in the essay. Since you were a newcomer at the time, you need to take the opportunity to prove your leadership and influencing skills in a manner that showcases your early abilities in these areas. Give specific examples of how you won the respect of the contractor through leadership and influence on your part. Do the same for a project that you did after your graduation for profit. That way you can show how you developed your leadership and influencing abilities from the time you were a student. The other references as to your clients is not useful in this essay. You don't need to enumerate those. Set those aside as they may come useful in the networking essay.

Undergraduate / Essay about an experience that helped shape my character. [4]

Arushi, this is not exactly an experience essay but more of a contemplative essay. So you did not properly represent the prompt requirement. These are a series of questions that you asked yourself and sought responses to from different people. That is not what the essay is asking you to do. Rather, it is asking you discuss a specific event or experience that you went through which helped shape your character. For example, you spent all your time playing tennis and neglected to prepare for your SAT test. So when you took the test, you ended up failing to get a passing score. Your score was not good enough for your first choice university. The lesson learned was, you can't prioritize an extra curricular activity over an academic one because it will limit your ability to attend a good school. From that point on, you began to prioritize academics over extra curricular activities because you want to get a better grade the next time you take the SAT so you can attend your priority school. That is the kind of character shaping experience that you should be presenting. What you wrote definitely does not respond to the prompt so you should not use it with your application.

Writing Feedback / CBEST writing practice: internet is useful or harmful for human? [3]

Hi Stella, you could probably score as high as a 3 with this essay. I am pretty much sure that you already know where your problems lie in developing these types of essays because you already mentioned a number of them when you asked for a review of this presentation. So, rather than harp on what is wrong with your essay, I would like to focus my advice on how yo can improve your problem points instead.

In order to improve your grammar and syntax, you need to practice English sentences development in a more serious manner. There are actually online free websites that allow you to practice grammar and sentence structures in English. These free websites normally start with simple fill in the blanks tests that get more difficult with every stage that you pass. These would be one of the ways that you can develop your skills in your problem areas.

Another way to improve your grammar and vocabulary is by reading more English based materials. This will help you learn not only vocabulary, but also the proper presentation of English sentences of the simple to complex kind. If you get used to reading materials in English, you will find that these will slowly begin to influence your writing styles which will in turn, help you to improve your English writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Rate and comment on my argumentative essay for GRE - super screen movies [4]

Somya, I am afraid my review of your essay is not good. You score a 0 in this instance because your response is off topic. The argument you were provided indicates that Super Screen is a movie production company. That means the company makes movies. They do not show movies. You mistook the name of the company for a movie theater company. A movie theater company is the company that shows the movies made by the movie production companies. You had an error in understanding the actual meaning of the term 'movie production company" and this led you to misdirect your discussion in the essay. Such a misdirection caused you discuss the topic in a manner that made the prompt go off topic. Which is why you were scored a 0 in this case. Please be very careful abut the way you write the essays. Make sure that you understand what the topic being discussed is all about. When you make a mistake with that, you end up with an off topic and failing score in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Unsatisfying career for those who change job frequently? [3]

Plamena you have fa failed Task Accuracy score because of the severe mistakes you made in the opening paragraph. You did not follow the paraphrasing and discussion instruction requirements of the IELTS essay test. Your opening paraphrase is not different enough from the original presentation to be considered a pure paraphrase. Rather, it is a plagiarized presentation to a certain extent. You also did not present a proper discussion instruction paraphrase. The correct paraphrase is:

There are people who believe that job satisfaction comes from finding the right job early and then sticking to it. Then there are those who frequently change jobs but also declare that they also have a satisfying career. I strongly agree with the first statement that job satisfaction comes from choosing the right job early. I will discuss the reasons that support my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.

Your opening statement must be so different in presentation from the original that all that is left of the original prompt is the central theme and discussion development representation. What you presented fail in those aspects of TA requirements.

As such, you did not end up discussing the body of the essay in the appropriate manner. This has led to the total failing score of your essay due to an evident lack of understanding of the original prompt requirements. You actually created your own prompt instructions for the topic provided, which is a prompt alteration from the original. Hence the failing score for your essay.

Undergraduate / Applying to the college of arts and sciences and becoming University of Pennsylvania alumni [3]

Hayley, try to avoid mentioning the obvious information in the essay that the reviewer will surely know about. In the second paragraph, mention these influential women only if you plan on enrolling directly in their classes. Otherwise, simply rattling off what makes them special as professors and authors won't make the cut. Don't explain about the interdisciplinary programs. Tell the reviewer why that will help you define your academic and intellectual interests instead.

In the third paragraph. Your opening sentence is old and tired. So is the second sentence in the paragraph. Go directly to the discussion about "I will explore..." because that is the gist of your paragraph. That paragraph will be more interesting if read from a direct approach rather than an introductory approach. If you can format your essay to place the highlights at the start of the paragraphs so that the reviewer can simply scan the essay to get to the points you are trying to make, then there is a better chance he will finish reading your essay.

The rest of your presentation is attuned to the prompt requirements. I don't see any need to change those parts. The revisions should make the essay more interesting to read and allow you to hold the reviewers attention through direct informational contact.

Graduate / Motivation letter for graduate studies in Embedded Systems Engineering [2]

Omar, this is not really a motivational letter. This is more like a mix of a personal statement, statement of purpose, and resume. A motivational letter should focus on only one aspect of interest. That is, how your interest in this line developed and what potential contribution you wish to make in the field in order to improve it. That is the motivation you are required to represent here. This should only be a cover letter format of no more than 2 or 3 paragraphs. You should only introduce a summary of the extended discussions that will be presented in your SOP and PS essays, along with your other documents connected with your application. Simply mention the highlights of your application such as the reason for your interest in the field, a summary of your college thesis (if connected with this interest) and a quick description of why you chose the university. Then invite the reviewer to continue reviewing your other documents and essays in order to better consider your application. Don't turn this into an application essay because it isn't one.

Undergraduate / Negative Effects of Technology on Society Critical Analysis. [2]

The links you provided for access to the article do not work. Nothing is loading onto the page. So I won't be able to read the article in order to help you. I do have an idea as to how you can develop positive and negative critiques of the article. You can read what other people said about it on the web. Input the article title then at the end, add the keyword "reviews". That should bring up a listing of the different opinions written by people who have read the article. Now, provided you have read the original article, you should be able to decide whose negative and positive opinions you agree with and then use those as inspirations for your own article analysis. Unfortunately, we can't help you any further than this because of the problem with the links you sent. Now, you only get one free advice and this is it. Read what others before you have opined about the article and work from there.

Scholarship / Mastering leadership skills; being firm yet resilient, giving your colleges the freedom to improvise [5]

The reason that the soldier story won't work is because it did not require you to show any of the military character traits in your leadership. Creating a football field is not exactly an exemplary leadership skill. Specially since you were still subordinate to a higher authority. You were merely "assigned" to complete a task. You were not a group leader of any sort. If you had indicated that you had leadership in a war games type scenario, it might be considered a leadership and influencing skill depending upon what the situation you were facing was. Friendly fire and all, real leadership skills, in a pressure situation is required in that scenario.

Both your current work scenarios describe your leadership abilities in a good way. Your essay would be better improved if you present your traits in an implementable manner though. Use a particular site problem. Explain the problem and what steps were necessary to lead and influence the team. Your current essay makes it sound like your leadership is something that occurred naturally. So justify that with an example of both traits in action. Don't just give a long list of job descriptions. Which is what you have given me here.

Undergraduate / One paragraph about my favorite space. [3]

Tianhui, a paragraph is composed of 5-10 sentences when not written in an English exam setting but is used for practice writing purposes. So your paragraph is over the limit as a written exercise. While there is no word limit per sentence, you are advised to be on the lookout for run-on sentences that are created when the writer opts to keep using commas to separate his discussions instead of periods. That makes the paragraph extremely difficult to read and understand. You went over the word limit because you deviated from describing your favorite space which, by the way, should be library and not the table. The library is a space, the table is a thing. There lies the difference. You were asked to write about your favorite space, not your favorite thing. So change the paragraph to describe the library instead. The library is an "it", not a "she". The library has no gender assignment nor sexual orientation. It merely exists in space, nothing more.

Scholarship / I will go back to the university that I am working now - career plans after returning home [6]

You cannot have 2 unrelated focus points in the essay because of the UK connection. Review your other essays and look for the more dominant discussion in them. Which one do you discuss more? The empowerment of women or the Communication System Engineering? Your UK study plans all relate to Communication system engineering. That is the whole point of your desire to study as per your Study in the UK presentation, which is the basis of your post study plans. Therefore, you cannot engage in a non related UK government sponsored project. The educational empowerment of women is not what you studied a masters degree for. I understand that you want to help the women improve their educational standards so it looks like you chose the wrong Study in the UK course for the scholarship. It is too late to change it now. I am telling you to align your post study plans with your Study in the UK essay. It your option to not follow me. Don't blame me when your scholarship is denied because of a lack of proper UK project referencing in relation to your study in the UK plans. .

Undergraduate / Growing up with an ill mom. My story [4]

Rabin, your first paragraph is pretty much straightforward and informative. The transition sentence at the end about the transition point is good enough to segue into the next paragraph. Remove the word suicidal from the parenthesis in the second paragraph. The correct term is "suicidal depression" not "depression (suicidal)". Focus less on telling the story as it affected each member of the family and instead, focus on the story as it affected only you. That is because your other family members, included your mother, is not the focal point of the essay. You are the main subject so don't introduce too many characters, activities, and story elements that distract from that. That will also be the best way to reduce your word count. The story in itself is interesting but focuses too much on your mom and other family members.

Scholarship / I want to have a career in scientific research and projects in Biotechnology field; Chevening essay [4]

Asma, where is the UK government project connection? You successfully enumerated what kind of career path you plan to take upon your return to Egypt but you are not explaining how the UK supported projects in your country fit into your plans. Please take note that the Chevening scholarship committee can automatically refuse your application due to the missing reference to the UK plans in your country. As a Chevening scholar, the least you can do is work with the UK on developing your country or improving it. Before you finalize this essay, you will need to find out if the UK sponsors and R&D projects within your area of expertise. Revise the essay to connect your plans to that organization or project at a certain point. Without it, no amount of career planning on your part will win you this scholarship. Everyone I have helped has constantly reiterated the importance of this final essay. Even if your first 3 are great, the minute you cannot identify a British government interest in your country, the student is denied.

Scholarship / I stumbled into leadership right from birth being a first born and only girl to my sibling [4]

Jurna, the advice that Asma gave you is good, but does not totally apply to your essay. There are actually portions of this essay that can be used to create the foundation for your new version. You can start the new essay by opening with paragraph 3. That is what I see as the definition of leadership in your point of view. It would be best for you to leave out the college explanation though. Stick only to professional discussions as it helps to prove that you can be a future leader and influencer in your country. Although, defining the meaning of leadership is not really a requirement in this essay. It is more of an optional part. The requirement is on the examples of leadership and influencing and the strength that you can give those discussions. Focus more on that instead of defining your leadership. Since your USAID experience is also academic in nature being an internship, you can remove that part altogether as well. In reality, the essay does not contain any real leadership and influencing experience. You speak of your current position but you don't tell the reviewer what it is, what leadership experience you have and what influencing achievements you have. You speak of solely subordinate experience. There is no leadership and influencing involved so this essay will not work. You will need to find a professional reference for the prompt in order to create the rest of your revised essay.

Scholarship / Cried, but did it anyway! I have achieved new milestones in my job. [4]

Marzia, this is better but the information shared went overboard. Try to lower your presentation to under 500 words. Your description about reviving the department is definitely one that showcases your leadership skills and other talents. The fact that you had to set up the department all over again clearly indicates that you had to lead and influence people. Examples of how you got the department staffed would help to illustrate that point. One part of the essay that went under developed though is your influencing skill. Specifically, when dealing with people who tend to not care that you are an editor. Revise the essay and figure out which paragraph(s) you can sacrifice in order to allow the development of the method by which you placated angry authors. That requires direct people and influencing skills which will help to further boost the positive discussion regarding your leadership and influencing skills in the essay. Personally, I would skip the paragraph that talks about your going to Malaysia twice. The events you spoke of there sound better suited towards your networking essay.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay : Strong Networking for Starting a Company in future [4]

Feby, do you know that you have provided the wrong essay content with the prompt you were provided? You know what will happen if you pass this to the Chevening committee in this form? This will cause the automatic disqualification of your essay. You will lose the opportunity to win the grant because you were careless with the way that you presented the information. You were not thinking. You were not double checking your work. You were not functioning properly. There is nothing I can do to help you with this essay because you did not follow the instructions. I know I can help you, but I can't help you when you don't follow the instructions for the essay. You better review your work and replace the essay with the correct one. You also wasted your chance to get a usable, analytical, and solid singular free advice for this essay. I cannot continue to advice you at this point for this essay. What a wasted chance. All because you were not focused on what you were supposed to be doing.

Scholarship / Saïd scholarship: Career plan in Urban development & the role of urban planning for rebuilding [2]

Rebal, we have a one essay per thread policy in this forum so you are actually in violation of those rules. As such, I am not going to be responding to the other essays you posted. I am only allowed to respond to the first thread that you posted. Admin will delete the other essays when they spot your essay so you should post the other essays as separate threads while you have the time to do so. Don't wait to get flagged with a warning.

You have not completely discussed why you consider teaching hundreds of Syrian students a variety of computer software during a time of war an accomplishment. You should fully develop this discussion with more evidence as to why you consider this your most notable achievement. What did you have to do to accomplish the impossible task. What was the result of your sacrifice and innovative approach to teaching? Develop that discussion and delete the second paragraph. You are being asked to discuss only one achievement, not 2. As such, you will have to pick which of the two achievements you presented will be the focus of the essay. You cannot do both. The reviewer only wants to read about one achievement with a detailed explanation of why you think that is so.