Scholarship / TSU -- Scholarship essay about my achievements, interests, and my goals. [5]

Hi Jordan, I have read your essay. Honestly, I am keen on reading this because not only you have some talents, but you also always your friends. This essay showed that you really like socializing with others. I think you have read thread why you can be the excellent therapist. However, there were a few things which you are supposed to strengthen. First, you can explore where is your turning point so that you wanna be the therapist. You need more strong statements to make this more attractive. Besides that, you avoid the word "the possibility". I think it's better you decide your profession in the future. The conviction is needed in the essay about your way. Following this, you need sharpening your goal in the future. It is not inadequate if you only mentioned that you will become the therapist. You ought to show steps what you will do for harnessing your ability in giving benefits for citizens.

I really believe your essay is gonna be more interesting on condition that you include those points. Good Luck for your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Parenting course program for young parents [5]

Hi Sinchana, I will try offering my perspective about your writing. After I have seen your style in the writing, I have known that you always include a hook before you paraphrase the statement. It doesn't matter because it can guide readers to understanding your writing. However, there was more essential. It is your position in the thesis statement. Please, you focus on prompts given. Your position should stand out between two views, not to explain another topic like this

it is unrealistic to make sure everyone will join these courses

Turning to the first body paragraph, you actually offer the reasonable opinion why you agree. However, you included the example of contents in the parenting course. I reckon that did not relate to the topic. Following this, I ever mentioned previously that you never ever ever present the contraction (doesn't) in the formal writing.

On the other hand, your conclusion was not strong. I only remind you that the conclusion is the paraphrase of the thesis statement. Its aim is to clear up your position again in this essay. Besides that, I have found a few misspellings in your writing. You need to double check your writing before uploading this.

I hope these can improve your ability.
Happy writing.

Writing Feedback / Reasons of land degradation globally and the impact it causes on three different continents [3]

Hi Fadhil, welcome to Essay Forum. Hopefully, in the next term, you attach the picture about you explained if you wanna get more feedback. Readers do not analyze your information which you displayed.

Firstly, you have actually displayed the introductory paragraph well. However, you should keep in your mind that the paragraph is supposed to contain at least 3 sentences. I think you can separate your overview into two sentences so that you can produce three sentences in the first paragraph.

Before you write this writing, you should analyze the information about its time. This circumstance happened in the 1990s so that you should present the past tense here. Please, you remember that because that matter can reduce your score, especially in the grammar. Following this, I don't know why I see your data as listing the data. I mean you explained one by one figure in the first body paragraph. You should impress examiners with your ability in the analyze. In other words, you can compare the figures directly. I only remind you that your job in writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not to describe separately.

overall, this is enough good because you know the basic elements shown in the writing task 1. I really believe you can master this skill if you wanna practice again and again.

GOOD LUCK

Graduate / An Email to Preferred Supervisor - Requirement to apply Master Degree in Japan [7]

Hi Uta, I wanna finalize your writing.Actually, you have written the letter including reasonable motive. However, perhaps you need strengthening your background. You can impress the candidate of your supervisor with telling him about your working experience. Besides that, you can inform your background why you choose that research. Following that, you can tell him about help which you need from him. I mean you find his knowledge which can encourage your future research.

On the other hand, you also show that you can include in the teamwork. You can participate actively in his research linear with your research or make a commitment that you are ready to be his assistant. In my point, you should bring benefit for improvement of his research when you join there. In addition, you can show your attraction and passion in that subject. It's better on condition that you can inform advantages of your research for Japan and your country.

Hopefully, these can help you. Good Luck

Writing Feedback / E books versus paper books. Cause and effects. [7]

Hi Sichana, I am gonna try offering improvement for your writing.
Firstly, you unsuccessfully paraphrase the statement given. I don't know what you catch from prompts. In the introductory paragraph, you said that the gadgets take over positions of the book although you should paraphrase "readers tend to read e-book rather that paper books". Actually, you have to harness impressing the examiner in the first sentence. However, you make a mistake which can alarm the examiner for reading detailed your writing. Even the examiners can know what you will explain in the body paragraph because you have shown misinterpretation in the beginning sentence. I suggest you provide your time for analyzing the matter before you write this.

There are evident reasons as to why the paper books on the shelves are replaced by the e-books

It seems clear that you explained the different matter. Actually, you can harness your idea for answering the prompts, but you have to modify your first sentence in the first body paragraph. You can say that the readers are more likely to read e-books than the hard books because the e-books can be placed in the smartphone.

Turning to the second body paragraph, you reviewed the primary role in the two last sentences although the prompt is about the impact of a tendency for reading e-books. Please, you are aware of the prompts. Although your grammar is safe for this matter, but your score will fall down because of your explanation out of the topic.

Hopefully, you can consider my suggestion for the next writing. I believe you can master this section if you wanna observe examples of writing task 2 and practice more.

Happy Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Essay - healthy lifestyle of individuals. Discuss both sides and give opinion [4]

Hi Sichana, I have read your writing closely. You need improvement, especially your content. In the introductory paragraph, you have explained the different topic. I think you have to analyze the statement give so that you are able to know prompts relating to the topic. As we see, the topic is problems about the healthy lifestyle, but you have pursued to the healthy food. An examiner will score lower because you missed the task responses.

Turning to the first body paragraph, you reviewed the topic why the healthy is essential for each person although your job is to explain why people have a responsibility for keeping their healthy lifestyle. Honestly, you elucidated the topic widely, but you can tackle the prompt. Be careful of out the topic. I think you need accustoming for making brainstorming so that you can have a guide to help you make the flow. It is important because your score will be reduced. Keep in your mind that the task response is the primary response in the writing task 2.

On the other hand, you have been out the topic in the next paragraph. You tended to offer the solution for that circumstance. You can show the solution in the conclusion if you want. However, your main job in the body paragraph is to review why the government has to take the responsibility.

Hopefully, these can improve your writing. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Today's kids ailments same like among adults. The example - obesity. [12]

Hi Sara, welcome to Essay Forum. I am pleased to tell you that you have been a right medium for correcting your writing. I have read yours closely and found things which you should improve.

Firstly, you have paraphrased the statement successfully. Even you have shown problems of that matter. However, you should include the solution what you will review in the body paragraph. You don't need for displaying detailed because those are parts of the body paragraph.

Turning to your body paragraph, I have not found the explanation of the new lifestyle which you presented in the thesis statement. On the contrary, you have reviewed the new reason "Lack of physical exercise". It is not out the topic, but that is not parallel between what you mentioned in the thesis and body paragraph.

On the other hand, you have shown the solution in the second body paragraph, but it not relevant to the cause in the previous paragraph. You said that the parents do not have time for cooking. I think you can offer the solution that the parents should request the healthy food in food store for serving every morning so that children can bring a packed meal from home.

They have some diseases that people in the past suffered in the old age.

Perhaps, you can remove the above sentence. It is redundant because that is unimportant in the conclusion. You have to remember that the conclusion is got for paraphrasing the thesis statement.

I really believe you can master this section on condition that you need more time for practicing more and more.
Happy writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: The gap between rich and poor is growing. What problem does this create? [3]

Hi Sinchana, welcome to Essay Forum. I will try offering a few corrections for finalizing your writing.

In your introduction, I think you can better paraphrase a statement given. If readers see briefly, it can seem almost same. I wanna give the example.

Nowadays, increasing population brings distance widely between statuses of low and high economics.
For the next sentence, you presented your opinion clearly. I don't mean that you had to explain detailed because it is a contain of the body paragraph. However, you should show underline of what you give in the body paragraph.

Turning to your body paragraph, I have not found relation logically between your statement "


and its reason. Honestly, I am really puzzled for understanding that flow.



Keep in your mind for avoiding contractions in the formal writing.

In my mind, the prompt asks you for reviewing the gap generally, not to compare undeveloped and developed countries. As we know, each undeveloped country has the poor and rich family so that it is less relevant for taking that object. On the other hand, your alternative solution has focused on the undeveloped country. I only remind you that when you want to present the solution, it is based on the problem which you review in the previous statement.

Hopefully, these can help you for improving your ability.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Reading has become less significant to Americans. [7]

Hi Kaur, I have read your writing closely. I will offer a few correction for finalizing your writing.

When you wanna start the writing, you should give an introduction at the beginning paragraph. There you directly show position in that matter. To make it more structural, you can paraphrase the statement given. After that, you include your position clearly between 2 views.

Turning to your body paragraph, you explained widely although the prompt asks you to review why you agree or disagree about the opinion states that reading has become less significant for American people. This sentences below you said that readers tend to read through the kind od smartphone.

People prefer reading on kindle, i pad, phone or laptops rather than reading books and newspapers

Besides that, your flow is not good. When you want to move another topic, you immediately move without a linking word so that readers can be confused about your logic flow. Following this, you pay attention to spelling because there are a few misspelling. That matter can also reduce your score.

he doesn't have enough

they don't get time to read

now losing it's importance

Avoid using a contraction in the formal writing.

I have found some statement repetitive. Your idea in the second paragraph is repeated in the next paragraph. You might use the different word to describe, but readers can know that both of that ideas are the same meaning. I really believe you can explore your idea deeply about this view. Following that, it is better you marge your the second and third paragraph to simple your review. Readers can also become bored if your writing is so long, but you explain the opinion repetitively.On the other hand, to finalize your writing, you are supposed to write a conclusion telling again about your perspective. That can strengthen your previous explanations.

The key to master this skill is practicing more and more
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. Causes and proposed solutions. [3]

Hello Yully, welcome to the medium for improving your writing.
In my view, you have need learning the way for constructing the good writing in IELTS Test. Your structure couldn't present your idea well and entirely. In the first paragraph, you should create paraphrase of a statement given. Following that, you stand out in the opinion. It used to be called as the thesis statement. Besides that, you should keep in your mind that the paragraph is supposed to consist of at least three sentences. Therefore, you can give description briefly about causes of the matter in a paragraph, and another paragraph contains its solutions.

Turning to your body paragraph, you have missed the prompt. You are supposed to explain people feel unsafe out the home. However, you have review widely. It is more likely to elucidate a reason why some people commit the crime. Be careful of wide explanation. That can make your synthesis out the topic. In addition, please you avoid writing paragraph too long. I have seen one of your body paragraphs so heavy.

If it comes up about the causes and solutions, you have to remember that the solutions which you give should relate to the causes. When you mention two causes, you should present at least two answers. I really believe you can master this skill on condition that you wanna analyse examples of writing task 1. As many as you read, you can get its points quickly.

Happy writing, good luck

Graduate / Like potato chips - you can never have just one. SCAD Graduate Admissions Essay for Animation [4]

Hi Colinda, I have read your personal statement closely. I am very keen on reading this because you have felt free to tell your history. Your passion seems in this writing. Readers will know you have huge admire in this concentration. However, you need to tell more about your work experience. The job what you had conducted in a company is the strong statement which will get belief of the university. It does not matter if that is light work because the university wants to know how handle the work.

If you have rewards of some competitions, you should be included in your writing. I really believe that can impress the university. After that, you are supposed to sharpen where you wanna applicate your competence after finishing the study. It's better if you can mention a name of company where it needs your ability.

Hopefully, these can help you
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / A serious effort is the most important factor for a journey toward success [8]

Hello Jan Hsu, these are my thoughts about your writing. I hope you can review my notes for finalizing your writing.

In the first paragraph, I have found a large number of redundant sentences. Focus on your prompts and avoid including statements which you are not able to explain in the first paragraph. Like this

I have to admit that luck is an important factor for the success of the successful man or celebrities

Besides that, don't place the idiom in the formal writing. Unfortunately, your idiom was hardly linked to your statement. Following this, I have not found your position clearly in that matter. You have missed the crucial point in the indicator. Please, you create a thesis statement obviously in the next term.

Honestly, when I have read your body paragraph, I have not found answers entirely from the prompts given. After that, you stand out in the vague position in the conclusion. The question asks you to decide your opinion whether you agree or disagree with the statement. However, you have tended to explain which is more advantageous or more affected.

I believe you can master this if you wanna practice more. I suggest for the first step that you read many examples for recognizing the flow in the writing.

GOOD LUCK

Letters / Writing a pitch for discover magazine - would it be accepted by an editor? [8]

Hi Columbia, these are a few of my thoughts for finalizing your letter.


These unfortunate incidents are reminders of the future events which possibly happen.


After reading Discover for years, I really believe this is a right time to contribute.....


I also have had a link to.......


Besides that, my article is devoid of....
(I suggest you harness proper linking words for making your flow better. It can help readers for getting your logical flow)

All these are factors and questions are (you should omit this word) incorporated in my article


similar magazines.
Note: I think you should reread your writing before you upload to make sure what you write is what you mind.
Hopefully, you can achieve your target. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Task 1.The diagram shows how raw materials are used to make plastic products. Summarise the diagram. [3]

Hi Minh, welcome to Essay Forum which is one of the best sites for improving your ability. I know this is a first time you join here. When you upload your writing, please you attach your picture as well because it can help readers to understand yours. I have searched your diagram, but I have not found so that I cannot give feedback more.

Firstly, you need improvement for your systematical writing. In the first paragraph, it is supposed to contain a paraphrase of question and overview. As we have seen, you directly explained detailed information. Indeed, you have the overview, but you place it in the last paragraph. It doesn't matter, but you have to remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. Besides that, you are expected to fight the time because you only have time for 20 minutes for finishing this. To play safely. you should locate the overview in the first paragraph.

Following that, you need making improvement in your flow. Harnessing proper linking words is the good way to make your flow smoother. I really believe you can master this section on condition that you wanna practice more and more

Happy writing
GOOD LUCK

Undergraduate / "One Last Chance"- Transfer essay for MIT [3]

Hi Abdoelmoniem, I have read your writing. I am gonna review based on your content.

Actually, your writing is good because readers can get points what you mind quickly. You could present a logical flow good in this writing. However, I don't know why you tended to explain about negative conditions in your recent university. The university of your destination will think that you vilify over about your current university. I suggest you concern on your passion.

In the first paragraph, you are supposed to display your passion which you improve. After that, you explain you have not found in the recent university. On the other hand, you have searched an information about your destined university and you have found concentration suitable for you. The university will be more appreciated your writing because your mind is always in the positive condition.

In my point of view, your writing is free of major errors grammatically. You only need changing your perspective about what you include in your transfer essay. Hopefully, these can help you for finalizing this.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / PTE essay: Is it foolish to get married before completing studies [7]

Hi Etha, I am gonna try checking your writing for finalizing. This moment I only concentrate on your content because you have been free of major errors grammatically.

for example take responsibility, get closer and so on.

Avoid using the word "so on". It's better if you include two examples because only those you would explain the body paragraph. That is the thesis statement which you have to review in the body paragraph. It will seem redundant words on condition that those are included there. Following this, you should afford distinguishing between a conjunction and transition word.

But I disagree with that,

However, I disagree....
It is able to your score because that will broke your flow. As far as we know, readers can understand well your writing when your flow is good. The flow can lead the readers to get the points your writing. You can find this sense quickly while you frequently read examples of writing.

Turning to your conclusion, you presented the new topic. I only remind you that the conclusion is extracted from the thesis statement. To create the conclusion, you only paraphrase your thesis statement by using your own. I said that as you display the effect on the society. Well, you mentioned influence for the society, but it was not strong. You have needed the supporting sentence to strengthen your opinion. When you make listing the opinion without its explanation, it seems as layman's opinion.

Hopefully, these can improve your writing and become considerations for your step to write.
Happy writing, good luck

Essays / You are to start a new job next week but you will not be able to because you have some problems: [6]

Hi Ahmad, I know that this is the first time you harness this medium. Honestly, you cannot get feedback useful when you did not display your draft about what you achieve or write. Please, you try writing the letter and then upload this website. I really believe others are gonna offer your suggestions.

Turning to the letter, you have to remember that you should introduce yourself well in the beginning sentences. That is the important element in this section. Following this, you don't forget to pay attention to prompts having to include in your letter. Actually, those can be grouped in the distinct paragraph. I mean that you explain your situation in the paragraph and the other matters you display in different paragraphs.

If you wanna make readers can read your writing well, you deliver linking words appropriately. Those can help to guide readers from a topic to another topic. The first step for understanding this format is reading examples of letter more.

I think this which can be given for this moment. Hopefully, you can upload your writing as soon as possible.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The process of producing cement and making concrete which is raw material from cement for building [4]

Hi Anabel, I have read this closely. I have found a few things which you correct.
Firstly, I have read your overview. It doesn't matter if you wanna the overview in the last paragraph because there is not a rule about that. However, as we know that the overview is one of crucial points, I suggest you place it in the first paragraph after outcomes of paraphrasing the question/statement. Keep in your mind that you will fight the time if you should play safely. Besides that, your first paragraph has not described the good paragraph. You have to remember that you are supposed to write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph.

cement production is passing limestone and clay through

I suggest you deliver proper word to explain what you mind. I think you should write "limestone and clay are blended in a crusher". If you fail in picking the proper words, you will miss getting the high score in both indicators (lexical resource and coherence and cohesion). Actually, there were a few words which can not illustrate what you mind well. Following this, please you avoid repetition. It can reduce your score as well.

You need making its flow smoother. Harnessing the transition word is the good way to guide readers to understanding your writing. I believe you can master this matter on condition that you wanna need more time for reading examples of writing task 1.

Practice more and more is its key.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job [12]

Hi Shohruh, I have read your essay closely. There are a few parts which I will try finalizing. Hopefully, you can find my notes to be suggestions when you write in the next term.

Firstly, I wanna remind you that you should write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph. It can be a point of an indicator "coherence and cohesion". One of the ways to get the higher score is impressing the examiner in the first paragraph. Actually, you can simple your first paragraph and make your flow more smoother.


It is (Avoid using a contraction in the formal writing) true that men are clearly better than women in some of particular fieldworks. On the other hand, we should admit that females seem to be a lot more talented than males for other areas.


Pay attention to meaning. Please, you reread your sentences to ensure that what you write is what mind.
....a reason to assign several parts of jobs for the specific genre.


difference for the proportion of male.... Please, concentrate on the meaning.



Avoid writing contractions in the essay.


You tended to explain effects of clustering the jobs. Your score will be reduced if you do not follow the prompts given because those ask you to review your reason why the statement is wrong in your mind.

Hopefully, these can enhance your skill.
Practice more and more is the key to master this section
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS (unpaid work is important for the young people?) [6]

Hello Rozhnaz, I will try giving feedback for your writing. Hopefully, these can finalize yours better.
Firstly, I wanna remind you that your job is writing task 2 of IELTS is to communicate with an examiner or readers, not to impress them. Honestly, I have found difficulty when I wanna follow your flow. You should construct your paragraph systematically. That was also aggravated by a large of misspellings. provide your time to double check your sentence. Believe me that can reduce your score when you conduct the real test of IELTS.

Secondly, in the essay, you have to explain your opinion detailed. You cannot throw the opinion, but there were not the supporting sentences.

it is considered that involving young people in unpaid work would prevent them from learning bad habits such as smoking and drug addiction

You were supposed to present the sentence strengthening your view about the matter.
Turning to the prompts given, you should elucidate the drawbacks for individual and community. However, you only bear to the individual solely. Actually, you review a few things which did not include in the prompt.I suggest you make brainstorming so that your explanation is sharp. After that, you should rewrite your conclusion. There is actually paraphrasing the thesis statement which had reviewed previously. Don't add the new topic in your conclusion because it can seem vague.

I really believe you can improve your ability on condition that you wanna practice again and again after you have review your mistakes.
Happy Writing, Good Luck

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1; Percentage of British Students able to speak languages other than English, 2000-2010 [4]

Hi Mariana, I am gonna try reviewing your writing. Hopefully, these can finalize yours.

Firstly, Be careful of deciding an overview. You have presented the overview, but your interpretation was inappropriate.

During the time, students became more interested in other languages than them past generations

You said that the students tended to learn the other language in 2010 although the percentage of the category "no other language" increased in 2010. You have to analyze the data better so that you can obtain a higher score. The overview is a point for assessing your writing. Besides that, you avoid mentioning the percentage because it will seem as the detailed information. You can pour the detailed data in the body paragraph, not in the introduction.

Secondly, you should remember that the good paragraph consists of more than 2 sentences. Actually, you don't need to separate the information into 3 paragraphs of body. We should admit that systematic can affect the coherence and cohesion in the writing. Apart from all, I only remind you that your job in the writing task 1 of IELTS is to compare figures each other, not to describe separately. It is sense of the writing task. I suggest you read many examples of writing task 1 to get the points which you should include.

I really believe you can master this section on condition that you wanna practice again and again. Happy writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the projected and actual criminal incidents in 2009 and 2018. [4]

Hi Daniette, I am gonna try offering advice for improvement of your writing. I appreciate your effort to present the writing like this. Your overview is simple, but it is meaningful. You picked the sentence up to describe the condition of the bar. I agree there is a huge gap between a prediction and reality.

However, you need paying attention to the data. You transfer the data by using the inappropriate information.

crime. This criminal act witnessed more than 20% gap in 2009 and about 5% lower in the next year

It will seem as the real condition although that data was obtained from the projected data. Be careful of analyzing the data because it can also reduce your score. It can affect your score in the task achievement. There were a few errors grammatically. You can get the higher score on condition you can review your errors detailed to make it better in the next term. I suggest you can allocate time for approximately 3 minutes in the last section to correct your grammar. Besides that, you can recheck information which you display in the writing.

I really like reading this because you avoid the redundant sentences. That is the short paragraph but can cover important information and present the meaningful paragraph. You only need making your move smoother. Using the proper transition word is the alternative solution to do it.

Practicing more and more is to adapt with the writing task 1.
happy writing. Good luck

Writing Feedback / The crucial part of being happy lies in one's everyday attitude towards life. [4]

Hi Vi Tran.
I have read your essay closely. Before I offer you a few suggestion, I remind you to always include the whole question so that readers can understand what you wanna review on this medium.

First, you are supposed to add a thesis statement meaningfully. It can present what you will explain in the body paragraph. Its aim is to describe what you review in your essay. That can also become the track to lead the readers to your flow in this essay. After that, you have to be able to distinguish between a conjunction and transition word. There was the conjunction which should be written the transition. That matter is a minor error but can break your flow.

Be careful of misspellings. I have found a few of misspellings. It can reduce your score as well if you make the same mistakes many times. Apart from that, you should focus on prompts given. The second question asks you to present some factors of happiness. However, you only offer one factor. Your score can fall down because you missed one of task responses. That is crucial in the writing. I suggest you analyze the question more so that you can answer the prompts entirely. Following this, you have to construct the body paragraph better. You need the supporting sentences stronger to strengthen your opinion. The scientist fact can become the valuable support.

I highly recommend you to read many examples of essay. It can lead you to understand for constucting the good paragraph. On the other hand, that way is able to enrich your vocabulary storage. The key to master this matter is practice more and more.

Happry Writing. Good Luck.
:D

Writing Feedback / The figure of children born to 40-44 years old women in Australia for four different years [2]

Hello Mister Dedy..

I have read your writing. In this moment, I will get an attempt to review your contents, not focusing on your grammar. Please, meet my note and deal with them.

Actually, you have tried to present the overview. However, it could bring clear information. You have only written three categories whereas you have to show informative overview. Apart from that, you are supposed to convert the data to real activity. I mean you can describe the meaning of the data given. For example, you can write that THE RATE OF FEMALE FERTILITY FOR THE GROUP OF 40-44 YEARS OLD WOMEN HAD DECLINED. Based on the band descriptors, to obtain the score more than 6, you should present a clear of main trends. You cannot directly say the data increases or declines. There you need an analyze. I believe you can improve that in next term.

Turning to the body paragraph, you have passed one of essential prompts in the writing task1. You don't forget that your job in this writing is to compare the figures, not to describe the data separately. It is not gonna seem the attractive explanation. The sense of comparisons is supposed to present in the writing task 1 because the examiner wants to recognize your ability in the analyze. Besides that, you have to distinguish between the conjunction and linking words. While is a conjunction, and meanwhile is the linking word. There is frankly the linking word, but you wrote the conjunction. Provide more time to learn the matter.

Hopefully, these can help you to master this skill. To improve your writing, you should review more example of writing task 1 and practice more and more.

Overall, it is a good job.
Happy writing
Good LUck

Writing Feedback / The alteration of annually distance dealt by person in various vehicles in two disparate years in UK [2]

Hi Miss Wily.
I am gonna offer you a few corrections for your writing.


Avoid ambiguity. If you wrote that, readers will think that there were more than 2 times which will be explained. It is better on condition that you wrote "IN DIFFERENT TWO YEARS."


You stated that all modes increased. However, you mentioned again that there were 3 types declining.


Those sentences were so contradictive. Do not do that because it can effect on your task achievement.

Honestly, I have found the sense of the overview in your introduction. It is not enough attractive to be the general trend. Besides that, you are supposed to transfer your data to the meaningful description. For example, CITIZENS SPENT MOST OF THEIR TRAVELS BY USING A CAR IN THAT TIME FRAME.

distance which increased at around 130 miles in 2000

I have not found the data which you meant. Be careful of the inaccurate data. It relates to the task achievement. If there is the clear data, you did not use the words "Around/ approximately etc). The table displays the accurate data. Pay attention to the data because the examiner will emphasize about the accuracy.


There were much meaningless information. Its reason is because you did not convert the information of data to circumstances which is easy to be understood.

One of your problems is that you are rigid to describe the data. Make it easier to be read. Improve your flow with bringing to real meaning.

keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / A comparison of alteration in means of transport in England between 1985 and 2000 by distance/person [2]

Hi Miss Meireza..
These are a few corrections to finalize your writing.


Before you upload your writing, you should reread yours to check the meaning of your sentence. I am sure that you had the different meaning between what you write and what you mind. It is a correct grammatically, but it is more important for the meaning.

A LARGE NUMBER OF INHABITANTS SPENT MOST OF THEIR TRAVELS.

Based on the grammar, you are free of the major errors. However, there were some things which you have to enhance. Avoid repetition. You have used many times for some words. It will influence your score in the lexical resource. Besides that, I ever told you that the good paragraph consists of at least 3 sentences. You should make more effort to add your overview to fulfill the criteria.


Evade making vague information. I got meaning of the same for that sentence. You cannot get the higher score if you create the vague information.

I wanna suggest you the way to get the high score. You should present the first sentence in the overview about what you want to review in the first body paragraph. After that, the second sentence in the overview is what you explain in the next body paragraph. It will seem systematic. The examiner will think you have been able to construct the paragraphs systematically. That is also the way to keep coherence and cohesion.

I believe you only wait the time to master this skill.
Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - AVERAGE DISTANCE TRANSPORTATION MODE [2]

Hi Faiz..
I am gonna offer my thoughts to finalize your writing. Please, you review my notes.

car was presented as the highest value

Avoid describing the data like this. Briefly, it seemed meaningless. You should convert the data to words what have the meaning.
THE CAR WAS THE MOST POPULAR VEHICLE USED BY CITIZENS IN THOSE TWO DISTINCT YEARS.

there are vehicles that had tremendous, moderate, and tiny changes.

I do not know why you categorize the kinds of vehicles to those categories whereas you did not review in the body paragraph. It did not matter if you divided those. However, you have a responsibility to explain your clusters in the body paragraph. Actually, there were a large number of trends which can become the general or interesting trend.

Turning to the first body paragraph, I have not found the sentences which described comparisons. You failed to tackle the prompts entirely. I remember you again that our job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not to display the data separately. It seemed uninteresting information. Besides that, you actually can make your body paragraph become tow parts, but you created three bodies. Keep in your mind that the good paragraph consists of at least 3 sentences. I suggest you provide more time to group. I believe you can describe the data more attractive if you wanna pay attention more to grouping. You can be easier to the construct sentence by sentence if you have had the clear group. It will become guide for you to make good flow as well. As many as you read the writing task 1, you will find the sense of writing and master this skill. You also prioritize to transfer the data the real circumstance so that it seems interesting to be read.

Please, you review those so that you do not make the same mistake grammatically and contently.
Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Initially, car was the most popular private vehicle amidst walking and riding bicycle. [2]

Hi Miss Septidara.

I am gonna try to review your writing.


You should avoid use "significant increase" (Change language) because there were only two years. It is usually used for the graph. It is better if you bring that in the reality fact clearly.


I have got the meaning of that description. It seems vague data. Ba careful of describing the vague data because it can make your score fall down. The examiner will reckon you display the data inappropriately.


You try reading this. It actually did not have the meaningful information. You should check again what you write to make sure what you write is in your mind.

THE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION TENDING TO BE USED BY CITIZENS IS LOCAL BUS IN THOSE TWO YEARS.

Actually, your grouping is not enough interesting. There were a large number of attractive trends which you explore to get the high score. Besides that, you should prioritize to bring or transfer the data to the real meaning so that what you described seemed the useful information

Keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Locked in the fridge; Don't Do This To Your Tomatoes [2]

Hi Miss Septidara.

I have read your summary closely. Actually, you presented the informative summary well. There were some information essential to be done. I could understand easily what you wanna to explain. However, you need a little improvement to make this as the excellent summary. You are supposed to introduce where you took this article. You can mention the original title and who wrote that. Perhaps, it can help readers to find reference relevant about what they do. Turning to your flow, this is good, but I really believe you can create the better flow if you can pick up the linking words appropriately. Fortunately, I did not pause when I read this summary because you used the simple words to build your paragraph step by step. One of the interesting factors in your summary is that you can give a suggestion for the readers so that the summary seemed clearly this is so useful. In the next term, you should reread your summary to check the grammar or coherence and cohesion.

Although, it only had little effect on their flavor

Remember that use of ALTHOUGH follow the pattern S V Although S V --- or ---- Although SV, SV

Overall, you have worked this well.
Keep Writing.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The wind turbine with its components and best locations to generate electricity effectively [3]

Hi Miss Yurike.
These are my few corrections through your writing.


THE DIAGRAMS REVEALS HOW A WIND TURBINE WORKS WITH INCLUDING ITS COMPONENTS AND LOCATIONS OF THE TURBINE TO GENERATE ELECTRICITY EFFECTIVELY.

I am gonna offer the alternative overview:
OVERALL, IT CAN BE SEEN OBVIOUSLY THAT THE WIND TURBINE CONSISTS OF FIVEPRIMARY ELEMENTS. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE TECHNOLOGY IS LOCATED ON THE AREA HIGHER, THE POWER OF WIND WILL BE STRONGER SO THAT IT CAN PRODUCE MORE ELECTRICITY.


make sure that what you write is like in your mind. There was the passive sentence, but you make active. Actually, that can describe if you omit the word "which".

Honestly, I cannot get the points of your writing task 1 in the body paragraph because you did not place signs of commas and periods appropriately. It made your flow worse. You are supposed to harness the proper linking words to make your move smoother from a topic to another topic. Besides that, learn about reducing and omitting as there were the sentences which you omitted or reduced.

I suggest you to read more example to find the sense of the writing task 1.
keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Television is Challenging Hollywood [4]

Hi Miss Maliha.

I have read your summary closely. Honestly, there was a large number of improvement you need. That is so messy. I could not get the point what you meant because you did not build your sentences systematically. You are supposed to harness linking words appropriately to make your flow better. I was confused to understand your sentences because you move from a topic another topic without the transitive words. I had to jump to the other topic without seeing signs. Sometimes I had to reread or pause to obtain the essential points and logic flow you gave. Please, you control your topic so that you can keep coherence and cohesion of your summary. Turning to the grammar, you have been confused about using conjunctions. Actually, there was the linking word, but you presented the conjunction. Besides that, you still fall in the mistakes of verb agreement.


That should be consistent to use the present tense.

Please, you review my notes to diminish your fault.
Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The ability of children to comprehension of a foreign language is much better at the primary school [4]

Hi Miss Sarlinda.
Woow... Your words up to more than 300 words. It is important to focus on the quality rather than the quantity. Actually, there were some sentences to diminish the number of your words. Keep in your mind you are gonna fight the time. Manage your time as soon as possible. Besides that, it can make readers bored to review this.


I think you are supposed to remove this because of not giving the significant effect.


There were many hackneyed sentences. You should directly explain why the foreign language is supposed to be taught first time in the primary school. Control your prompts to achieve task response and not to exaggerate.


You need to add the linking word to make your move smoother. Please, you involve the word "besides that"
Besides that, this study......

According to your second body paragraph. Your flow was not enough good. I have to pause to get what you mind in your essay. Its reason is because you did not harness the linking words as well as possible to guide the readers.


The sentences above I have not found its relation. You should add a conjunction to make it relates each other. To make sure, It is better you reread your sentences before you upload to check your flow closely.

Please, you add sentences in the conclusion paragraph. The good paragraph consists of at least 3 sentences. You can include suggestions for some elements to complete your conclusion.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Glamour celebrities or grey commoners on television, radio or newspapers? [3]

Hi Mister Dioba..
These are my thoughts towards your essay, but I only focus on your contents.


Actually, this can be categorized as the overview. However, if you wanna achieve a higher score, you should mention your reasons briefly to show general description what you are gonna review in the body paragraph. One or two words are used to inform your opinion.


You should focus on effects what will happen if the media concentrate on the life of artists such children will be easy to duplicate their behavior. There was a tendency that you explained some conditions of their life.

Turning to the second body paragraph, you are supposed to explain reasons what positive aspects present if the media broadcasts more about the usual people. However, you tended to display rewards got by people. You showed dedication for public, whereas the prompts asked you to give reason why their history is supposed to be appeared.



Avoid odd words to point out you wrote the conclusion. It is sufficient to write " In conclusion/ to conclude/ to sum up".

Writing Feedback / Franchise plays an enormous role in Indonesia [5]

Hi Miss Nina...
These are my thoughts towards your summary. Actually, it is a good job, but you need small improvement. You have to know pronoun what you should use. After that, order proper linking words to make your move smoother. Make sure what you write is what in your mind. You prioritize to harness the present perfect if the circumstance you mind still happens.

This is OPINION HAS APPEARS because this THE activity can offer the BRING SOME benefitS of employment ...
Subsequently, this ITS resultsin IS strengthening economy SECTOR in this nation.
..., at this present time, it HE(Please, you pick up proper pronouns to describe what you mind) has successfully built ...
... potential to evolve their THE franchise (...) size OF area in Indonesia.
Astonishingly, this TREND was followed by ...

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK
:D

Writing Feedback / Finland to set become the first country to ban coal to use for energy [2]

Hi Bambang..
These are my corrections for your summary

Note: Actually, It is a good job because you could extract essential information of that article. Besides that, you can guide readers to understand your summary better since you explained the information systematically. I did not pause when reading your summary. However, you should reread your summary before you upload because there were a few minor errors such as plural or singular.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Smoking not only harms the smoker, but also those who are nearby. [3]

Hi Rasam..
I have read your essay and have willing to give you a few suggestions. In this moment, I focus on your contents in this writing.

Actually, I am pleased to read your introduction because you successfully paraphrase the statement by using your own sentences. You might only need understanding about use of linking words.


You rewrite to become HENCE, CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS...
Besides that, you can get a higher score on condition that you mentioned negative effects what you showed in the thesis statement. It will help readers to imagine what you explain in the body paragraph.


Public areas should be seen as....
(make sure what you write is what you want to say.)


It should be replaced by the scientific fact or your personal experience to support your view previously.


This seemed as layman's opinion because you did not elucidate with the logic flow. It is not enough strong to be the effect of smoking in the public areas.

When I turned to your second body paragraph, I was surprised because you actually explained reasons why some people disagree. I reckoned you would show your agreement firmly. In the next term, you are supposed to show disagreement opinion in the thesis statement to display clearly that you will review two views in the body paragraph.

Please, review my notes to improve your skill in the next essay.
Keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The chart compares some countries in term of the sale volume of hybrid vehicles around the world [2]

HI Syeda.
These are my corrections to offer improvement for your writing. Please, meet my notes and review them.
Keep writing
GOOD LUCK


You should avoid writing overview like that because it seemed hackneyed sentences. As we know generally, there are changes certainly. It will look at meaningless sentences. You are supposed to show key features.

I wanna offer the alternative overview.
Overall, it is important to note that sale of the hybrid transportations for US had been the most popular in the global market generally, except in the last period. While the amount of sales for those vehicles had experienced a small fluctuation, both other figures had increased progressively.

In 2006, the US sold vehicles VIRTUALLY five times more than the BOTH other REGIONS, the number of sales was RECORDING AT 250,000 ITEMS,. it then rose to 3,50,000 which is REPRESENTED AS BY FAR THE highest sales for the period. For flowing years FOR FOLLOWING ONE YEAR, it remained higher than the rest ...

However, the figures THE RATES OF SELLING THE VEHICLES for Japan and other were almost same at IN the beginning of period. Both the numberS continued to increase (...) of Japan was A little bit less ...

..., while other had experienceD a trivial increase.

Writing Feedback / Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job. [2]

Hi Mohammed..
These are my thoughts toward your essay. Please, you review my notes


You did not paraphrase the statement well. There was the statement "the salary is the most important" . It had the different meaning with the statement. One of your job in the introduction paragraph is paraphrasing.


To strengthen your thesis statement, you should mention factors what you meant. It will describe generally what you will explain in the body paragraph.

secure our family's needs is of crucial importance THE MOST CRUCIAL ELEMENT.
... chance to save more money then, work a smaller number of hours and ... (I think this was not needed because you explained effects of having more salary. Therefore, the higher the salary we earn ...

As a result, in a competitive business IN THE WHOLE world with AND a vast number (...) it is logical that WHY people should look for ...

..., there are several other factors which are MORE essential and needED to be considered before ...
ITS REASON IS Because it is pointless to destroy one's health ...
Another factor to BE considerED is how will the employee WILL be satisfied with ...
In other words, to what extent does WHETHER employee like the job OR NOT and is willing to do it for the rest of his or her life, because it is not easy (...) that we can't CANNOT (Do not use contraction in the formal writing) stand even if we earn a lot from it.


st
I only remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You are able to include suggestions to complete your introduction paragraph.

Note: Make sure what you write is what you mind. Sometimes you needed the passive sentence, you made the active. Hopefully, above can help you to improve your written skill.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article World's Tallest Water Slide Will Be Torn Down After 10-Year-Old Boy's Death [6]

Hello Mister Alfin..
I have read your summary closely. This is so short, but you still make the same mistakes grammatically. I suggest you reread your summary before you upload so that you can reduce your fault. You are supposed to learn again about the conjunction. Sometimes you confuse readers because you place the conjunction inappropriately. Besides that, make sure what you write is like what in your mind.Please, deal with my notes. GOOD LUCK

The world tallest water slide IN THE WORLD named IS NAMELY Verruckt, which means HAVING MEANING "insane" in LANGUAGE OF GermanY. Recently, It was killed ten years old boy when operate, THAT PUBLIC FACILITY MADE A TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY DEAD, NAMELY Caleb Schwab. Because OWING TO that accident, the water (...) investigate was IS finishED, .

... ride with ANother DEVICE in the future.

Writing Feedback / Positive Impact on The Walking Activity [6]

Hi Miss Yurike..
I have read your summary closely. Honestly, you still make errors grammatically. Besides that, you presented vague sentences so that readers were confused to understand your mind. You are supposed to reread your sentence to make you sure what you write can represent your mind. Another improvement which you need is pick up linking words appropriately to ease the readers understand this.

One of the daily activity ACTIVITIES of BY some people is sitting FOR 9.3 hours a day. This activity makes CAUSES the negative influence EFFECT in ON healthy of someone which BECAUSE IT CAN APPEAR many diseases like (...), and type two diabetes which the WITH percentage are AT 10 percent, 6 percent, AND 7 percent RESPECTIVELY. Therefore, the one and main solutionS to reduce the negative (...) and anywhere, because the fresh air will mobilize fresh thinking THOUGHT TO BE MORE FRESH and finally give some new ideas in the brain, also the AND walking in WITH SURROUNDING the way A BLOCK make us in order to respect to others people in their environment. AROUND OUR HOME.