Writing Feedback / Easiest way getting good grades: organizing ourselves and our time, being active in the class [4]

Nuraya, I need to know if you are writing these essays as part of your preparation for taking a qualifying English exam or if you are practicing academic writing for a classroom setting. The purpose of your writing will dictate the instructions for the development of your essay. You see, the English test essays have a different set up from the academic one. For example, in a qualifying test, you cannot introduce new information in the conclusion. However, in an academic essay, you may introduce additional information in the conclusion based upon a given set of parameters. Each writing style is unique and centered on a specific purpose. Unless you clarify the actual purpose for the essay, I won't be able to give you truly useful and consistent advice regarding your writing skills.

There are a few things that I can tell you that you did wrong in this essay though. The first is that you introduced a question in the thesis statement. In an essay, whether it be for academic or test purposes, it is best that you do not pose a question in the introduction because that will force a lengthy discussion of the essay instead of a simple, straightforward discussion. Your question must be posed in the form of a complete sentence at the end of the opening paragraph instead. A research paper, makes a statement out of question because your information will justify your point of view or discussion criteria.

Your tone of writing is also inconsistent. You need to make sure that you use solely academic words and statements throughout the essay. Do not use slang or everyday terms such as "stuff". Use academic equivalents because you are not writing a grade school essay anymore. You are writing a college / masters level paper which means, your vocabulary should be more complex and your method of thinking, more serious, thus requiring a more serious tone in your writing.

As for the conclusion, you are struggling with it because you did not really outline your essay. When you write any sort of essay, it is important to list down you discussion points before you draft your essay. That way, you know exactly when you should conclude the discussion and how you plan to conclude it. Basically, if you have already responded accurately to your thesis statement, you can conclude the essay by making one last, strong pitch of additional information that ties in with the thesis statement that you made, then close by reminding the reader that you have fully responded to the thesis statement you introduced in the first paragraph. However, if you are writing for a qualifying exam, you cannot add new information and should instead, just summarize the information you previously provided along with a new paraphrase of your thesis statement.

Scholarship / "New beginning, new HOPE" The KGSP Personal Statement essay [3]

Jimmy, the essay that you wrote is very good in the sense that is responds very well to the prompt. However, your educational presentation needs to be improved. The information in that section needs to show that you have an interest in Math, physics, algebra, and other sciences that are related to Engineering. Talk about your interest in those subjects and how this interest was further heightened by that trip you took with your father. That way, you not only inform the reviewer about your education and foundation in Engineering, but also show that you have a solid foundation and interest in the topic that will help you to become a good engineering student. Not only that, but you will also prove that your engineering interest is very strong and is the logical next step in your educational career. You need to rearrange the content of the essay to speak of the family first, your point of view about life, your academic accomplishments, your extra curricular activities, and finally, your motivation for applying for the program. Make sure you also explain why you chose to study in Korea instead of in your home country so that your motivation becomes two fold instead of singular in purpose.

Writing Feedback / The methods used by three countries in order to deal with harmful waste products [3]

Melinda, the opening summary that you wrote is tremendously incomplete and improperly formatted. Since this is an academic report that you are presenting, you must never present any information in a parenthesis. All of the information contained in the chart are of the utmost importance to the reader and should not be relegated to a parenthesis because that indicates "optional" information. In these types of essays, no information is optional. Therefore, all the information must be presented in complete sentences within fully developed paragraphs.

In the overview paragraph, make sure that you clearly outline the report information that you will be covering in the 3 body paragraphs. That means, indicating the 3 countries and the types of hazardous waste disposal procedures that will be discussed.Then indicate the trending discussion. Meaning, which is the most often used procedure that is common to all 3 countries? That is the trend.

Then divide the essay into paragraphs. Do a comparison by percentage of each portion of the pie chart. By each part, I mean each common procedure between the 3. Then in the end, Focus on the difference between the UK and the other 2 countries since the UK seems to have more waste disposal procedures in place than the other 2. That is the end of the essay.

Your essay shows some analysis and focus, but not enough to prove that a thorough analysis and presentation of information was done in the report. Therefore, there are still a number of problem points in terms of your ability to analyze the essay. Once you learn to do a more thorough analysis of the images, your writing and your score should improve. I hope to see those changes occur with each essay that you write.

Letters / The quality of a reference letter addressed to the Chevening Scholarship [4]

Anwar, for starters your professor in Pharmacology cannot write a recommendation letter for you. The professor who must recommend you must come from the Philosophy department as well. Only a recommendation from a relevant professor will be taken as authoritative by the review committee. That is because the Philosophy professor is the one who can best represent an understanding of how you think, why you think that way, how that helped your performance in class, what was admirable for you in relation to your study of Philosophy, and other related information. The letter above sounds more like you wrote it for your professor and you will just have him sign the letter when it is ready. Don't do that. The reviewers will automatically know that your professor did not write the letter. The dead give away that will automatically negate your recommendation letter, is that a Pharmacology professor wrote a recommendation letter for a student of Philosophy. The two subjects will not meet because they cover 2 different areas of study. You can still use this letter, you just need to get the right professor to sign it as a recommendation letter. Otherwise, if you continue to use your Pharmacology professor, this recommendation letter will not carry any weight in the eyes of the review committee. They will know that your recommendation letter is questionable in terms of source and signatory.

Essays / What will you contribute to YYAS community Essay [4]

Sebastian, look at the sample responses that are posted all over this forum in order to gain some inspiration for your response. Do some research on the organization, its activities, and other sample essays that previous applicants have posted. You can do a Google search for that. Based upon the work of the other students, you can develop a an over 100 word draft of your essay. Is strongly suggest that you write about 300 words in relation to the prompt and then work your way down to 100 as you edit the essay for content and responsiveness to the prompt. It will be a bit difficult to research the content and then come up with your own response if you do not have any activities that can be used as the foundation for the prompt. If that is the case with you then you will have to get creative and try to think of future contributions that you can make. While it would be best if you can prove that you will just continue with an activity you are already doing, sometimes, as the saying goes, necessity is the mother of invention. So invent something to present in the response. Just make sure that you can make it sound believable and that you can actually follow through on it in case you win the scholarship to the seminar.

Writing Feedback / Businesses social responsibilties provide values for community [3]

Vinhu, your essay is tremendously confusing to read. There is no clear paraphrasing of the prompt topic, your discussion representation is for the wrong essay, and the coherence and cohesiveness of your discussion per paragraph is just all over the place. This is not an essay that will allow me to have any confidence of your writing skills in the actual test.

For starters, this is not an "emotional" essay because there is no "extent" question with regards to your agreement or disagreement. A simple representation of "agree" or "disagree" would have sufficed. In addition to that, the earlier sentences were supposed to represent your understanding of the prompt requirement and your ability to be able to explain it to the examiner in your own words. I could not wrap my head around what you were trying to say in that opening paraphrase. The confusion in that presentation makes me worry about the tremendously low score that the paragraph can earn for you in terms of task accuracy considerations. That opening statement alone is enough to pass or fail you in this test. Here is how you should have clearly presented the essay paraphrase:

Businesses acknowledge that their enterprises need to make money. Additionally, business owners also recognize that they have a social responsibility tied into the success of their business in a community. I agree with this point of view for several reasons, which will be presented in this essay.

Learn to focus your discussion per paragraph on only one topic. In your classes, I am sure that your tutor has told you the importance of presenting only one reason that you can accurately explain to the examiner in the essay. He is not interested in many reasons, just one. Mostly because that one discussion, explained in a total of 5 sentences will help him consider how well you can express yourself in written English. Imagine doing that 5 times in the essay and you will understand why the examiner needs to read about only one reason and one explanation for that reason per paragraph.

A concluding statement must strongly summarize the previously presented discussions in at least 3 sentences. That is because you are being given a chance to show that you fully understood what the prompt topic is about, the reasons why you feel your reasoning is correct, and that your line of reasoning is the best position to take regarding the topic.

Undergraduate / (Obtaining a college degree) Ubc personal profile: What is important to you and why? Max 250 words. [4]

Elizabeth, which of the two do you really value the most, education or stability? If it is stability, which type of stability matters the most? Financial or family stability? Your essay has only a 250 word maximum limit on it but your essay indicates at least a 750 word requirement due to the number of important things to you. Basically, you need to go back and assess your content. Rate the different important things to you on a scale of 1-10. 1 being the least and 10 being the most important. Whichever you rate a 10 should be the sole focus for discussion in this essay. When you try to discuss too many topics in the essay, the tendency is for your essay to sound confused because you are not able to fully develop your explanations and justifications for your reasoning. In this instance, I believe that you should discuss the importance of financial stability in your family as that seems to be the most recurring theme in the essay. Or, you could discuss the importance of financial and family stability instead since the two factors go hand in hand when one considers the true important angles in a growing family. Whichever you choose to discuss, that will be the stronger discussion in the essay. Make sure you pick the one that best resonates with your beliefs and voices out your complete thoughts and / or sentiments on the topic.

Undergraduate / Texas A&M. There are many reasons as to why I chose specifically to apply to this major [2]

Raul, just as with any statement of purpose, you need to explain why you feel like you need to study this particular course at this point in time. An incoming freshman whose family is involved botanical growth or farming would have an interest in this field. Your essay explains the general terms by which you developed an interest but that does not take the place of the "purpose" of the study. What are your career goals? Where do you hope this line of study will lead you in the future? What are your professional goals? Have you prepared beforehand for this field of study in college? For instance, did you win any awards for your amateur research in a related field? The extenuating circumstances have to be some sort of point of view, purpose, or accomplishment that you were not allowed to discuss in the other common app prompts. There is no mention of those sorts of information in this essay. So this is not the essay to go with. It has no information that will impress the reviewer or create an extra ordinary image of you as a potential freshman at the university.

Scholarship / My teacher trusted me to handle my group. Leadership and Influence Essay for Chevening [4]

Nasya, you responded to the wrong prompt with this essay. What you wrote about has to do with the leadership and influencing essay prompt. You provided the networking prompt with this essay instead. You need to make sure that you submit the correct prompt with the essay. Otherwise, you could lose the scholarship due to preventable mistakes such as these. As it is, let me tell you right now that this essay will not work as a leadership and influencing essay. It contains too much academic and amateur experience in the discussion when what is required of the leadership and influencing essay is a totally professional representation of that ability. The experiences that you relate would probably work if you were applying for college / undergraduate admission. It is not at the level of a Chevening scholarship application essay. In fact, the essay is so forgettable that the reviewer will not even finish reading it before he decides to reject your application in favor of better qualified and more professional candidates. When you revise this essay to better suit the leadership and influencing prompt, please make sure that you use only your current work experience, even if the leadership and influencing story is just minimal in nature. Only professional experience in relation to the provided prompt will keep your essay in the running for a scholarship consideration.

Writing Feedback / The plans for a school's development within a 20 year period - diagrams/maps [2]

Hi Melinda, this essay is pretty good. You have managed to properly discuss this essay in an acceptable manner. While there are two methods of discussing this essay, I will applaud your efforts in this presentation because it is obvious that you did your best to develop an impressive presentation for the examiner. You managed to cover all of the points that need to be presented and your presentation of the changes in the the area over 20 years is acceptable. Had I been instrumental in the writing of this essay though, I would have expanded the presentation of the information over 4 paragraphs so that I would have a better chance at developing a more complex and impressive discussion. I would have discussed the old layout in paragraph 2. Then I would present the changes as proposed in paragraph 3. Finally, I would have added information about how the size of the available open space would be reduced by the year 2024. That way, I would have presented a 4 paragraph essay. The 4 paragraph Task 1 essay represents the right amount of paragraphs and sentences / word count that could help you gain a higher final score. Don't get me wrong. You did a good job of representing the illustration in your essay. It just could have been better in my opinion. By the way, watch out for those tricky words when it comes to spelling and lexical resource. There is no such term as contrariwise. What you should have said was "On the contrary" or something along those lines instead.

Undergraduate / Child Abuse: How "Wolf Children" Changed my Worldview (Commonapp) [4]

Anon, you wrote this essay based upon the assumption that the reviewer will have already seen the movie "Wolf Children", you have taken too much for granted in this instance as this is not a mainstream movie straight out of Hollywood. If he hasn't seen the movie, then your realization will be lost on him. He will not understand the significance of the movie to your life and sadly, he won't have the time nor inclination to look for the movie in any media format just so he can watch it in the hopes of understanding your essay. Isn't there a more common way of presenting your essay? Or perhaps a more convenient movie that you can use for the essay? If there is a strong chance the reviewer will not be familiar with something you want to discuss, it is best to always opt for a more popular or easier to source reference for it.

With regards to the discussion you presented, it is not too personal. In fact, it lacks a clear backgrounder that would allow the reviewer to understand the significance of the movie to your life. The references that you made are so vague that it is obvious you are still holding back some things and not allowing the reviewer to really get to know you through this essay. There is still a wall that is up in the essay that prevents it from shining as a response paper.

You need to find a central theme or focus for this paper. Either it is about your mother's relationship with your father and you or, it is all about your quest for academic excellence. Don't confuse the reviewer by presenting too many topics. Just pick the one that you want him to remember the most and retain or develop that discussion some more in the essay.

Scholarship / STRONG NETWORKING PREPARES ME TO BE READY IN THE FUTUTRE - Networking Question for Chevening [3]

Ni, the most relevant networking skill that you have is the one you presented at the start of the essay. Not only is it the most relevant, but it is the most recent as well. It contains more than enough examples of networking skills that you can expand upon in order to meet the word count for the essay. If I were the one writing this essay, I would remove the reference to the construction company because it is very generic in presentation and does not contain any impressive sounding influencing activities. You want to impress the reviewer by letting him know that you developed an important network of professional participants in this field of yours. That way, you clearly represent, in an obvious manner I mean, the method by which you can use these organizations and people in the improvement of your field of work upon your return. This will also show that you will be capable of mentoring and assisting other scholars in the future who may be studying a masters degree along the same line as yours. Your plans for future promotion of Chevening through the network is well thought out but could be lengthened in presentation. So far, you have written a good draft. The problem is, you will lose half the essay once you remove the construction networking discussion. Therefore, it would be best if you expanded upon the discussion in relation to your most recent networking skills instead. That would be a better highlight discussion for this essay prompt.

Scholarship / KGSP - my world expanded from the small red dot of Singapore to endless amount of possibilities [3]

Qiling, do not open the essay with a reference to K-Pop. That is not only the most overused reason for being introduced to Korean society, but it is also the weakest reason that one may have for wishing to study in Korea. I would save that for the later part of the essay. The part that speaks of how you try to imbibe the Korean culture into your life. Since you presented a discussion about the difficulties of life as a Singaporean student, you should explain why you think life as a Korean student will be easier and more beneficial to you, in terms of academic, rather than personal growth. Remember, you need to prove that you can first learn to fluently speak and write in Hangul before you will even be considered for an undergraduate student slot. It is more difficult for you to assure yourself that you will be a successful undergraduate student in Korea, so why do you think you will succeed where others have failed before you? When you speak of your personal circumstances for wishing to study in Korea, focus more on self development and do not mention how you no longer want to be shielded by your parents. Korean culture dictates that parents are to be respected and their wishes are honored by their children to the best of their abilities. Saying you wish to get away from your supportive parents might backfire on your application. Try not to discuss your parents at all in the essay unless it is in a positive light.

Graduate / Physical Therapy students are held to a high degree of professionalism. [3]

Robin, your last paragraph should take the place of your current first paragraph. The first paragraph at the moment is not directly related to the question you are being asked to respond to. It would be best to adjust the position of that paragraph to the second paragraph instead. You need to make sure that you offer the reviewer a direct response to the question prior to your relating some personal or professional experience. By letting him know that you are holding yourself to an extremely high standard, you will be able to convince him that your professional ethics will be admirable as a student then as a doctor. You will need to adjust the content of the current last paragraph when you make it the first paragraph though so that it removes the references to looking forward to attending school. The reference to the patient should also be withheld till the second paragraph starts. Other than those minor corrections, I would like to think that you have written a pretty solid essay that is sure to leave an impression upon the reviewer.

Graduate / Professionalism - Docterate of Physical Therapy Application Essay for PTCAS [3]

Arslan, you can approach this essay from any angle. You may discuss your definition of professionalism coming from either a textbook definition or a personal experience. I would not advice you to use both though as there could be a tendency to suddenly change the tone of your writing from personal to academic, which would not create a fluid reading experience from the reviewer. From the looks of this essay, it would appear that you are using a textbook definition at the start. This has a mechanical and not so interesting tone to it. However, when you discuss professionalism in the context of your previous job, your essay comes to life and animatedly depicts how you embody the core values of professionalism in your professional life. That is exactly what this essay requires and, I would advise you to continue building the definition based upon that presentation. Try to expand your personal definition of the core values by discussing actual events that show you in action as embodying that definition. That would create a stronger and more memorable presentation of your definition.

Writing Feedback / Recently, people have a tendency of living on their own [2]

Nguyen, this essay did not follow the prompt requirement for the discussion. The instruction is asking you if this is a positive OR negative development. When the discussion instruction includes the word OR, that means you are to pick only one side of the discussion to present and support in the essay. The only time that you are to present 2 points of view in the essay is what the discussion instruction indicates "Discuss both points of view". Without that specific instruction, when you read the word OR in the instructions sentence, then you must only represent one side of the issue. That is all that is required of your to do. Now, because you did not discuss the essay based on the original prompt requirement, and your paraphrasing of the original prompt is faulty, this essay is guaranteed not to get a passing score. You have automatically failed to prove your English comprehension skills, which means a failing TA score. I am sorry to be so blunt but there is no other way of putting it. You did not follow the instructions provided. Therefore, the essay will get a failing score for all major considerations in the scoring system.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree that increased global tourism are more harmful than beneficial? [3]

John, in an effort to show off your English writing skills, you ended up using terms that belong to at least 3 different essay writing formats. Each term that you used, sent the essay further and further off the actual discussion path as required. Your opening paraphrase alone is severely faulty, having changed the prompt discussion totally in its discussion instruction paraphrase. This change has a negative effect on your TA score. It also seems to me that you did not post the full and correct / original prompt requirement along with your response because it is too short and does not contain the discussion outline as suggested by the original prompt. When you post the essay, please make sure that you post the original and complete prompt requirements. If you were to write a paraphrase closer to the original, it should have been presented as:

Some people believe that the global tourism trend has harmful effects on a country. Others are convinced that the growth of global tourism has beneficial effects on a country. In this essay, I will be discussing my agreement with the point of view that global tourism has its benefits due to supporting reasons I will be presenting in the paragraphs below.

I believe that global tourism offers benefits to the country that is involved in it. One of the major reasons that I support this point of view is that...

Aside from the aforementioned reason, one must also consider that international tourists...

Therefore, my conclusion is that...

Please pay particular attention to your spelling. Remember, your LR and GRA scores will be dependent upon the proper use and spelling of the words in English. So mistakes like inprovementd (improvement) and concerting (converting) may seem like nothing to you, but in the end, could result in a final failing score on your part. Be careful. Double check the spelling. Do not rush. Leave yourself with a few minutes to review, edit, and revise your essay before you submit the paper for scoring.

Writing Feedback / People with five distinctive employment status allocating their spare time [3]

Khoa, let me try and explain the formatting of the Task 1 essay to you. I feel that I have to do this because you have a very big problem when it comes to representing the contents of the illustrations you are provided for analysis.

Paragraph 1:
1. Type of illustration
2. Objective of the illustration
3. Measurement type including the factors for measurement (age, gender, classification, etc.)
4. Discussion instruction
5. Trending discussion (optional)

Paragraph 2 - Discussion of general information
Paragraph 3 - Comparisons, similarities, and other information
Paragraph 4 - Optional, any other information required.

Unless otherwise specified, you must always use past tense in the narration of the information. You may however, find yourself using all 2 tenses in the presentation depending upon the information that is presented in the diagram / illustration.

Based upon the above divisions, you should recognize the immediate problem points in your essay. Your biggest mistake is that you limit the use of the actual data from the essay in your presentation. Whenever provided, present the actual hours used by each classification. More importantly, you need to mention the classifications in the summary overview because that is required information for the reader. If you use the format I provided you with above in every essay, you should be able to keep track of the important discussion points and cover all of the required information for the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Tas 1 (The Total Value of Fish Including Its Comparison of Imported-Countries) [4]

Dian, when you write a Task 1 essay, information accuracy is of the utmost importance. When you present the wrong information in your essay, which can be seen by comparing what you wrote with the illustration provided, you will automatically fail the test because you will not get a passing TA score. You made a serious information dissemination error in this essay when you wrote your opening summary. The information you provided was inaccurate and would have misinformed the reader had this been used for an actual report. The proper summary is:

There are 2 data representations provided in this essay. One is a numerical chart that indicates the total billion dollar value of fish imported to the United States. The second, is a pie chart depicting the percentages of fish imported by the United States from 3 different source countries namely China, Canada, and others. The data covers the individual years of 1988, 1992, and 2000. This essay will report on the provided information from the charts.

The information is about fish "imported" to the US via the 3 countries. It is not about the US exporting fish to those countries. Your information is faulty and therefore, does not properly represent the prompt requirement. You also reported that the information comes from 4 years, indicating a continuous cycle of information sharing. However, the information is broken into specific years within both charts. Therefore, it does not come from 4 years. Rather, it comes from 3 specific years of measurement. A failing TA score will be given in this instance.

Be aware of your grammar rules when it comes to capitalization. Proper names of countries, such as China are always capitalized. You were inconsistent and have a lower case spelling of the country name in the essay. I know, it seems minimal to you, but to the examiner, that is a glaring lack of grammar accuracy and you will lose points accordingly.

Undergraduate / That I May Serve... Undergraduate Class of 2018 Review [2]

Jess, the essay tells of your experience as a volunteer at various organizations, but it does not speak of how service to others is important in your life. You are presenting too much of the number of volunteer activities that you have instead of telling the reviewer how community service has helped you become a better person. What drew your to community service in the first place and why did you consider it important that you start doing something for others? Don't say you did it because it looks good on your resume. That is the worst reason that you can give. Try to think of a reason that ties in with an interest on your part in either community building or simply being civic minded. Your current response is only a draft and only the last paragraph of the draft seems to be suited for a major revision that can make it useful in your new essay version. You don't need to enumerate all of your volunteer activities. Just discuss the one that you like doing the most and then explain your interest based upon my suggestions above. One impressive activity is always better than several lip-service activities when you are writing such a prompt specific essay.

Undergraduate / Semester at Sea can provide a possibility to develop your awareness [2]

Emma, the reviewer isn't going to believe that you had a global perspective of the world at the age of 8. Specially since you were traveling on a cruise ship with your parents. Now, had you said that your parents were missionaries who traveled the world with you and had you helping them with their evangelical work at that age, then maybe you could convince the reviewer that you could have developed a world point of view at that age. Try to represent a general world view that you may have developed through the influence of your diverse set of classmates at school, the influence of cable television, or a developing interest in world politics instead. That way, you will represent a more believable angle as to why you may have developed a particular view of the world, or one country in particular. Your description of your interest in South Africa needs to have a more personal angle to it. The way it reads at the moment, it makes it seem like you only have a textbook interest, instead of a cultural and diversified interest in visiting the country. You should make the reference more believable by discussing what influenced your point of view in particular about that country. Specifically, how and why you developed the image of an impoverished country in your ming.

Essays / Yale Young African Scholars Essay [3]

Unfotunately Sebastian, I am unable to repeat my advice to the previous poster in this thread because I no longer remember what the questions she listed are. I believe she has violated one of our terms of service regulations which is why her post was removed by the admin. I am sad that you were not able to take note of the advice before it was removed. Do not be disheartened though, I can still help you with your essay. Since you are applying to the same program, why don't you just write the essays as you think it should be written and then post each essay as a separate thread here? I will be here anyway to offer you specific advice about how to improve your work. The advice that I previously gave was specific to the requirements of that poster so I doubt it would have done you any good. Go ahead and write the essays. I'll be waiting to read it and I promise that I will help you make improvements to it specifically suited to your needs.

Writing Feedback / We are living in the world of highly-educated people [5]

Harry, you have focused so much on impressing the examiner with your vocabulary knowledge and word usage that you lost focus of the actual prompt requirements. You have given a discussion so complex and heavily worded with "big" words that you definitely have proven that you know a lot of English words. However, knowing a lot of English words and actually discussing the prompt as per the original requirements are two different things. You may know English words but not how to use them in a given conversation. Which is entirely the case in this essay. Numerous run on sentences exist in the paragraphs because you decided that it would be better to just keep writing in English without really creating a coherent and cohesive discussion point. You used commas to continue discussions where it should have already ended and new sentences should have been presented. You decided that it would be best to get around the 5 sentence, 5 paragraph limitation of the exam essay instead of trying to prove that you have the academic skills to provide a proper discussion within the required parameters of the essay. Do not sacrifice the clarity of your discussion in favor of showing off your language skills. Discussing focused paragraphs will always be better than just rambling on as you did in this essay, with unfocused discussion paragraphs. Your coherence and cohesiveness are affected which will lower your overall score. By the way, next time, please post the complete prompt instructions and not just the topic for discussion. I cannot further consider the possible problem points of your essay when the instructions I am given for analysis of your work is incomplete.

Writing Feedback / You learn foreign languages because you are going to work or travel in a particular country. IELTS [4]

Plamena, you have presented the discussion topic in the original prompt, but you failed to provide me with a copy of the discussion instruction. What are the rules that were preset for you when it comes to the discussion of the topic? I am not clear as to how you were expected to discuss this essay and what sort of information it should contain because you provided the incomplete prompt. As it is, your opening paraphrase seems to be missing some major required elements. I just can't put my finger on what those missing or improper portions are because of the less than complete prompt that you provided. Please remember to post the complete original prompt, with the discussion instructions included the next time around. For now, you will get a general review for this essay.

Do not start any sentence with the word "but". "But" connotes that there is a previous idea that you would like to continue discussing in the same sentence. Since you were presenting a new sentence, you cannot use a connecting word at the start. Your vocabulary skills can use improvement. Remember, the language is German and the country is Germany. You should learn German (the language), not Germany (the country).

Your concluding paragraph did not do you any favors either. You continued to discuss additional information in relation to the previous discussion. That is not the information that should be located in the concluding paragraph. The concluding paragraph should only present a quick run down of the aforementioned topic and reasons (not) supporting the discussion. Any additional information should be located in a separate paragraph before the conclusion. Since you only have a 5 paragraph maximum requirement, you should avoid presenting additional ideas in the concluding paragraph.

Undergraduate / Positive and negative impacts of children playing games. Know how to spend time appropriately. [2]

Nguyen, you forgot to mention if you are taking this practice test for the TOEFL or IELTS. Since this is normally a TOEFL topic, I will assume that is the test that you wrote it for and score it based on the considerations for that test. Overall, I believe that you can get a score of 3 with this particular work. Your line of reasoning per paragraph is not fully developed because you are focusing on presenting information rather than developing your explanations in relation to the reason that you provided. Only one reason per paragraph is required. Focus on developing the explanation because that will show unity, progression, and coherence in your work. In terms of tense usage and word choice, keep practicing. There are a few problems here and there that can be improved only if you constantly practice thinking, speaking, and writing in English as often as possible.

The language that you present for use is in English. However, it is not at the native speaker level yet. If anything, your English skills would be considered as that of an intermediate to advanced user. There are still too many grammatical errors and sentence structure problems in your essay that prevent you from passing yourself off as a native speaker. Please learn to develop better concluding statements that accurately summarize the essay and offer a proper recap of your discussion rather than a one liner that does not help to impress the examiner with your English skills.

Undergraduate / Georgetown Supplement: What do you think, how any Summer/School Activity affect You? (1/2 page long) [3]

Rj, since you explained that you hated public speaking, you need to provide a more convincing argument as to why you were attracted to the YAG. Simply saying that it would look good on your resume isn't going to cut it. First, tell the reviewer why you hated public speaking. Introduce the topic from that point of view. Then explain the underlying reasons as to why you decided to join the debate team even though the thought of public speaking did not appeal to you. Go beyond the "resume" mindset. Convince the reviewer that you had some pretty serious reasons that affected your decision to start with and stick with this activity. That part of your essay should be strengthened in order to create a stronger idea as to how and why this activity would have such a profound effect on you. Do not limit your presentation to "minimum wage". You are boxing yourself in that way. Speak of your experience with the team in a general sense. Discuss how you learned how to sell your ideas in order to gain the votes to carry your action through. Talk about how you learned to make deals that benefited the mock citizens of your state. Explain that this activity taught you the importance of negotiation skills when it comes to the political debate. Don't forget, you need to create a strong representation of how this activity affected you. Therefore, explaining that this activity helped you develop a skill that you can use confidently and to your benefit as a college student (as in negotiating a deadline extension with your professor or something).

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing] Writing, reading and maths are the three major subjects [2]

Khoa, your line of reasoning in the body paragraphs are highly applicable to the discussion. The problem, is that your paraphrasing is not aligned with the original prompt. You should have used the "emotional" consideration in line with the "extent" discussion. This means, you need to use a descriptive word to accompany your agreement with the subject. You have to do that because this is an "extent" essay discussion. You also need to understand that if you do not use the information located in the prompt discussion, your opening paragraph will create an unrelated discussion. You must only represent the original prompt discussion and outline in your paraphrase. Just as in the conclusion, you cannot present reasons for your discussion in the opening paragraph. Therefore, your essay will have immediately lost a significant scoring consideration in the task accuracy portion. The proper opening paraphrase should be:

The three core subjects taught in school these days are writing, reading, and math. While these subjects are truly important in the basic education of a child, there is a point of view that a 4th notable subject must be included in the curriculum. The 4th subject spoken of in this instance is the computer skills subject. I strongly agree that computer skills should be added as the 4th important subject being taught in school. In this essay, I will be presenting a number of reasons that help to support my opinion regarding this discussion topic.

With the correct prompt representation, your score increases immediately. Once you make a mistake in the opening paraphrase, your score is immediately lowered as well. English comprehension skills as represented in the opening paraphrase is one of the most important considerations towards your final score so make sure you get that part right the first time every time.

Your conclusion is also faulty because it does not accurately represent the previous discussion presented. It continues to discuss the wrong prompt requirement as you presented it in the opening statement. That will cost you an even lower TA score in the end.

Undergraduate / I want to become a business expert - KGSP personal statement [4]

Mariam, is this for an undergraduate application or a masters degree application? Your story is confusing and without any real direction. You are not following the prompt outline which is why your essay does not flow smoothly and make sense to the reader. Remove the outline format and focus on creating a responsive essay using the original prompt outline you were provided. Your family background is acceptable. Your educational background needs to present more accomplishments as a high school student on your part. Honors, awards, and accolades are a necessary part of this essay because only the best and the brightest, as evidenced by their academic achievements, are considered for this scholarship. Your extra curricular activities are too generic for it to impress the reviewer. There needs to be a significant activity on your part that relates to the college major / masters degree you are applying to. When you speak of your significant experience, you should be discussing some internship activities, part time work, or relevant experience working in the industry on your part. Focus your response in that part on Tasly instead and move the part about your parents being conned and losing the house to the motivation part of the essay. Your current response in that section is irrelevant and needs to be replaced with a motivation that makes sense. After you tell your parent's story, explain why you decided to study in Korea. How does a Korean education relate to your motivation? Make it something impressive. Make the essay long enough to fully explain yourself with regards to each prompt. You know the maximum word requirement for the essay so you have room to develop the discussions.

Writing Feedback / Human history has been a journey from ignorance to knowledge [3]

Fiza, your essay does not discuss the original prompt requirements at all. Your opening paraphrase failed to represent the proper discussion and instructions, and did not offer anything near the original information in its presentation. You have failed to get a passing score in terms of Task Accuracy and as such, have automatically failed the test. The failure is due to the wrong interpretation of the prompt requirements, as displayed in your faulty opening paragraph. A more accurate representation of the discussion is:

There is a historical belief that the achievements of man have been based upon a journey of knowledge. The belief that man came from ignorance and later on achieved knowledge has been opposed by those who deem it an underestimation of the historical contributions coming from ancient civilizations. They are of the opinion that the intellectual achievements of man has been given undue importance in the discussion. This essay will shed further light upon the two sets of beliefs along with my personal opinion regarding the topic.

The belief that man has achieved things based on knowledge is said to be supported by....

However, the fact that ancient man did make notable contributions towards the modern achievements of man...

Based upon these two discussions, my personal opinion is that...

In the end, the value of ancient man's contributions and the development of man's intellect...

The presentation above is my suggestion as to how you could have best discussed the essay. The manner of discussion I used clearly indicates the position of each opinion and allows for the development of your personal opinion, prior to the presentation of the summarized discussion. In this format, you stand to get a better chance at a higher than average passing score. Your discussion however, did not discuss the essay the essay in the required manner and would not have received a passing score because of the mistake in your discussion topic and presentation.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITTING TASK 2] Should universities be free? High cost of education, especially in Vietnam [4]

Hoa, your personal opinion statement at the end of the paraphrased paragraph should have been based upon the "extent" of your disagreement with the statement provided. In order to have properly reflected the original prompt, your work should have instead indicated:

There are some who believe that university education should be free to all since it can be provided by the state. Others believe that students must pay their way through college. I strongly disagree with the latter opinion for a number of reasons that I will be presenting in this essay.

You must always make sure to reflect the proper discussion instruction at the end of your paraphrase because that will prove that you understood the instructions provided for the completion of the essay. Now, since you strongly disagree with the latter opinion, your discussion that provides 2 paragraphs in support of that stance is just perfectly placed and developed.

I would like to caution you though against using such a specific line of reasoning, such as Vietnam, in the discussion. If you are not asked to base your discussion on personal experience or knowledge, you will do better to just use general references in the presentation so that it will not matter whether or not the examiner is familiar with the educational system as it exists in Vietnam or any particular country.

This is a good essay that was held back by the faulty opening statement. Hopefully you will learn how to better address the prompt topic and discussion requirements of that portion of the essay writing test over your forthcoming practice sessions.

Writing Feedback / How to tell a good nation? Nation achievements? Or general welfare? [4]

Tiffany, somehow, I feel like you only posted the topic for discussion in the GRE essay. You did not post the discussion instruction along with it. Without the discussion instruction, it becomes difficult to review your work for relevance and appropriateness with regards to the discussion. As it is, the essay that you wrote is most likely going to score no higher than a 3. Since the actual purpose of the discussion is not clearly outlined in your opening statement, neither is it made clearer in the bodies of paragraphs that you wrote, I am not convinced that this is a very good or strong essay. The use of North Korea as an example in this essay is out of place. The discussion should be based on general, not political terms. You discussed the situation in a political context without taking more serious and far more relevant considerations into the discussion presentation. The example you used is of questionable importance and as such, weakened the presentation of your argument. Next time, post the prompt with the discussion instruction. That way a more thorough review of your essay can be provided. At this point, I can only assess your essay based on certain, obvious parameters.

Writing Feedback / Kind, helpful. In your opinion, what are the qualities of a good neighbour? [3]

Jinsung, I had to review your essay three times to make sure that I was reading your first paragraph properly. You said in the first paragraph that it is difficult to live with good neighbors. However, in the body of the essay, when you discussed your reasons, what you presented were reasons why it is important to live with good neighbors. More importantly, you highlighted the reasons why it is beneficial, instead of difficult, to live with good neighbors. Are you sure your understood the prompt correctly? These are the sorts of problems created by students who ask for reviews of their essays without posting the original prompt requirements. Had you posted the original TOEFL prompt before your response, I would have a better idea as to how this essay should have flowed and what responses are expected. Right now, there is a disconnection between your statements in your opening paragraph / paraphrase and the content of your essay. An accurate review of your work and weaknesses in writing and presentation cannot be determined due to the missing original prompt. Please make sure to post the original prompt requirements with your next essay. As far as this essay is concerned, the general review above is the best analysis that can be provided to you. I can only give you one analysis / advice per essay so I hope that we can have a better chance at reviewing your second essay instead. Just remember to post the original prompt along with your response.

Scholarship / My team as a family. CHEVENING essay about leadership and impacting others [5]

Afowowe, the Chevening scholarship leadership essay is meant to prove that you have the professional abilities, not academic related abilities to lead and influence the people in your country. The reason why the this essay requires professional experience is simple. The scholarship expects to be training the future social, economic, and political leaders of a nation. That means, that as a scholar, you should be able to embody the type of leadership and influencing skill that is useful in a professional setting. I do not mean to demean your experience in academic leadership, but that does not prove that you are a capable leader in a less controlled, more unpredictable setting. It is one thing to lead school projects and study teams, it is another thing to actually lead a group of people upon whom the success or failure of a project that you are leading has long term effects on a business or a society. That is the focus of the leadership and influencing skills of the majority of applicants. Their professional background suits the scholarship demands because they have actual experience in the required scenarios. It would help your essay tremendously if you can divert the discussion towards a more professional setting. That professional reference will allow you to better compete with the other applicants. Without it, your leadership and influencing experience will be considered amateur and unremarkable by the scholarship reviewer or review committee. You already mentioned that you have work as a Team Leader in your current company, so focus on the professional leadership and influencing demands of that job instead. Prove an instance when these skills were beneficial to you in the resolution of a work problem or implementation of a problematic company project.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - Letter to Roommate from campus - self introduction [2]

Adwait, in the portion about your name being hard to pronounce, try to make your future roommate feel better by offering an alternative name that he can use to address you. Maybe you have an easier to pronounce nickname? Or perhaps a name you would prefer to use among your friends and peers while in college? For instance, I had a friend in college who loved to play video games and he preferred, that rather than we call him by his name, that we call him Gamex (Game - X) instead. It described his passion and hobby while also allowing people to address him by a name he liked for himself. You may want to consider a name that represents that or any name that will make you sound more welcoming to your roommate.

You spoke a lot about yourself and your interests, and your negatives in the essay. So that is considered fair warning. How about telling your roommate about the kind of fun that you like to have with your friends or how you hope to spend time with him when you have common off hours? That would create a sense that you hope to create a bond, a true friendship with your roommate. Remember, you may be sharing your room with this person for the next 4 years, so making sure that the two of you can create a somewhat family type of bond would be in your best interests.

Writing Feedback / Cement manufacturing. Essay about diagrams. English learner. [4]

Wu, you could have done better work on this diagram essay. Your format is not within the required parameters and your presentation is highly confusing for the reader. As this is your first time writing a Task 1 essay, I will allow you some leeway and rather than being critical of your mistakes, I will instead, offer you advice as to how to properly format and present your essay.

For starters, the opening paragraph must be composed of at least 3 sentences (no more than 5) which accurately explain the purpose of the diagrams and what your summary is all about. Therefore:

There are 2 diagrams presented for summarizing. The first diagram, involves the process involved in cement production. The second diagram, illustrates the method by which concrete is created. These two different procedural diagrams will be summarized below.

The opening statement is normally presented as the summary overview of the provided illustration. While this can be located anywhere within the essay, it is best to place it at the start of the discussion in order to help you create a discussion outline that can assist the reader in following your summary presentation.

You need to focus on creating coherent statements in your paragraphs. For instance, there is no way the reader can understand what you mean by "... the procedures need 5 and 1 kinds of machine". 5 kinds of what? What kind of machine? As far as I can tell from the diagrams, 2 different kinds of machines are involved in the 2 varying procedures. Is that what you meant?

I can tell that you tried to discuss the two procedures in an inclusive manner. Meaning, you tried to combine the discussions in one paragraph. Don't do that. For each illustration provided, always discuss the relevant details as individual paragraphs dedicated to the illustration provided. That way you create clear references and presentations in the essay. Without that clarity, you risk failing the C&C portion of the scoring criteria. Basically, the information in your current second paragraph should have been properly included in the relevant diagram paragraphs. That second paragraph is the most confusing part of your essay.

With regards to your vocabulary, you have shown a clear problem with English word usage and meaning. For example, there is no such term as "halt of percentage". You meant to say "half of the percentage" You also should not have used the term "for example" in the start of the procedure presentation. There is no example to be presented because you are presenting the actual steps in the production method. Therefore, you should have merely indicated that the procedure starts in a certain way.

Finally, you made an assumption that the material would be used for construction purposes. Where in the diagram was that information provided? There is nothing referencing that in the diagrams. Therefore, you should not have made that declaration in the essay. It will be considered misinformation for the reader because there is no data to back up your claims. When there is no data present to give validity to your statement, your TA score will be reduced accordingly.

Basically, this attempt has numerous problems that you should be able to address and correct with your upcoming practice tests. Be conscious of these errors so that you can avoid making the same mistakes again in the next essay.

Writing Feedback / As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units. [3]

Jun, in terms of grammatical presentation, you know just enough English vocabulary to create coherent, but not necessarily cohesive, sentences. Your ideas are presented in a manner that the reader can understand, even though the grammar is not perfect. The degree of English writing skill you display is intermediate, which is a good thing. The intermediate level means that you are able to present simple to complex sentences a few times in the essay. However, the fact that you are not focused on developing only one idea for representation in each paragraph means that you did not fully utilize these writing skills of yours.

The lack of cohesiveness in the presentation, due to the numerous topics being discussed per paragraph, caused a faulty development of ideas. You did not manage to fully discuss and explain your line of reasoning per paragraph. It would be best if you focused less on informing the reader using numerous examples and instead, focus on fully developing one or two pieces of evidence in individual paragraphs. That way, the paragraph becomes both coherent and cohesive. You have 3 body paragraphs within which to do this so I suggest you fully utilize the opportunity to do so. Presenting a solidly developed 5 paragraph essay will be beneficial to you because such a presentation will garner you a higher final scoring consideration.

In relation to that, I have to say that your first paragraph paraphrase needs more work. It is not a very accurate representation of all the instructions from the original prompt. It would have been better presented as:

Developing countries tend to have smaller family units these days. There is a tendency for people to live either alone or with a nucleus family instead. I believe that there are 2 major reasons for this development. In this essay, I will shed light on those 2 reasons, as well as the possible results that these new family units have on our society.

The above representation is more aligned with the original prompt discussion and allows the reader to get a better idea of what topics will be discussed, why it will be discussed, and how it will be discussed. This would indicate a higher level of English thinking and writing on your part.

The concluding paragraph needs to be more than one sentence. Try to write at least 3 sentences in each paragraph because you are trying to impress the examiner with your English writing and grammar abilities. That is not well represented when you only write one sentence. The better you write in multiple short sentences, the better your chance of a better grammatical score.

Writing Feedback / Will Robots take over our jobs in the future? [2]

Mike, this was a pretty well developed analytical essay of a given topic. The essay had a bump in its otherwise flawless presentation when you said; "According to me...". Since the phrase indicates that someone else is giving you this information that you are presenting, you cannot use that term. You cannot quote yourself. The phrase actually indicates the beginning of a quote in a sentence, so it is improperly used in your essay. The best phrase to have used to refer to what you were thinking was either "In my opinion" or "As far as I am concerned" or perhaps, "Based upon my understanding". These are some of the variations you could have used to indicate that you were stating a personal point of view at that point in the essay. No matter though. The work you did is above average in terms of representing the discussion question and the various considerations in terms of the success of robots taking over human jobs in the future. Good work. I hope you can continue to improve your writing skills. Your grammar and sentence structure problems are minimal at this point. In fact, these could be considered negligible because your paragraphs are well developed and easily understood, even with the existing problems. There was no impediment present that would have made it difficult to understand what you were saying.

Scholarship / My Suitability for The Course - Personal Statement of Exeter [2]

Ni, the best way to shorten your essay is to focus on the prompt requirements in the proper manner. That means, you need to focus on your professional traits and academic background that has prepared you to attend this particular masters course. Note that the essay prompts ask you to explain why you are suited to attend this program. In response to that, you need to show a sense of familiarity with the course curriculum. Justify your preparedness by mentioning a particular course in relation to a previous subject you took in college or a particular work exposure / experience that is right up your alley when it comes to a student's understanding of the course requirements. You wrote the essay too much in terms of a personal statement that does not consider the prompt requirements. If you just narrow down the focus of the essay to the 3 topics for discussion, you should have this essay done within 200 - 300 words. Don't include unnecessary discussions such as your college project and what those requirements were. If it doesn't directly respond to something the prompt is asking for, delete it. Just stick to representing the prompt requirements and your essay will shorten itself.

Writing Feedback / Japan travellers outside their homeland [2]

Athanasia, this essay is so severely incomplete in terms of informing the reader that it was not worth the time that it took you to develop the essay. There are way too many inconsistencies in your presentation and you did not even bother to use the information provided to you in the bar graph in most instances. I am not sure why you presented such a disconnected summary of the discussion. It created a very hard to understand representation of the information you were given.

Let's start with the opening paragraph. You did not indicate that two charts were provided for the report. Neither did you completely indicate the two types of measurements used for each chart. The trending statement should have been indicated in the summary overview as that would have helped you to meet the maximum 5 sentence requirement in the paragraph and also show that you intently reviewed the images for information, which was placed in the correct area of the summary report.

In the paragraph about the visitors from Japan, you tended to merely mention the high, mid, and low points, without indicating the actual figures from the chart. Whenever actual figures are provided, you must use those in the report as part of your analysis. There is no accurate information provided when you provide estimates instead of figures. When this report is potentially handed off to someone who needs to use the information, he will find that the summary you wrote does not have any usable figures in it. The examiner will also see this and lower the score accordingly for your test.

You cannot use the term "additionally" when you speak of the figures from Australia because those figures are not related to the Japanese visitor information. You should have used a transition paragraph in order to indicate the change of information from Japan to Australia. Something along the lines of:

While the previous graph shows the number of Japanese tourists in a general nature, I will now analyze the data pertaining to Japanese tourists that have visited Australia. Within this graph, I will be looking at the percentage of Japanese tourists who have come to Australia. It would appear that there was a rising trend in the number of visitors within the same year period for Japanese tourists in Australia.

Then you could have discussed the year on year line graph percentage information in comparison to the millions of Japanese travelers or, just simply offered a summary of the information from the line graph. Whatever method you chose to discuss it, the transition paragraph would have really helped in directing the attention of the reader and assisting them in keeping track of the information that you present.

Writing Feedback / Why I want to be dentist. I dream about it. [4]

Janjie, this is very weak personal statement for application to dental school. In a personal statement, you must show the development of your interest in dentistry. That means, explain when you first developed an interest in the field, why your interest grew, and how you have been trying to follow this passion prior to attending dental school. Who inspired this dream of yours? Was it a personal dentist? Or was it a member of your family? Why do call this a "dream"? Is it not achievable by most people in your country? What makes this dream in particular, special to you? Why do you think you can make a difference as a dentist? It isn't just about coming to you for oral care or you owning your business. The universities look for potential students who consider this line of work a vocation. They must truly be dedicated to the field of oral care and have taken great steps to prepare for their future education in this field. I do not see anything in your essay that remotely represents any of these requirements. This is only a draft essay that does not work for the application purpose it was developed for. Start working on a different version. One that better responds to my suggested content so that you will have a better presentation for your essay.