Research Papers / The overrepresentation of ELLs in special education programs-Specific Research Question(s) [2]

Yardly, your research is survey intensive. In order to come up with the trend of the saturation of ELLs in special education programs, you need to develop some specific questions that lead the respondents to offer up some information regarding the reasons that they believe there is a saturation and what they believe caused the saturation. Unfortunately, I am unable to help you research this paper personally. However, you may look into developing the correct survey questions first based upon the lists of elements and measures that your questions might be referring to . Basically, you will have to address secondary questions before you can properly research and address the primary questions that you have listed here. I am not sure about how you can go about that but I know that doing that will help ease the problem of developing responses to your two questions. I hope my advice will be able to help you out. Good luck with your research. It is a very interesting topic and I would love to read what you come up with.

Writing Feedback / {IELTS Task1} Table with Three Chart Model [2]

@ke362989724 The most likely score that you can get for this particular presentation is a 5. You score that highly because you did not overlook any of the given information in the chart. However, you cannot score higher than that because of the grammatical issues that your presentation has. You are not very careful when writing your statements. You fail to allow for a space between sentences, do not follow the capitalization rules, and your sentences are very difficult to decipher. All of these problems cause undue stress on the reader. The examiner would find it difficult to analyze your presentation and as such, he will end up lowering your overall score.

The more you try to develop complex sentences, the worse your sentence development gets. The next time that you present an essay for review here, try to use only simple sentences, that might improve your score because you are not trying to impress the examiner with your English vocabulary. You are just going to try to make yourself better understood. You also have a tendency to have run on sentences in each paragraph because you try to get around the 5 sentence maximum rule by using commas where periods should be placed. Don't do that. Just limit your discussion to 5 sentences per paragraph. Make sure you summarize the information from the chart in your presentation.

Speaking of summarizing information, while you did present that information in this essay, albeit a very problematically developed one, you placed the countries in a parenthesis when you were supposed to make those countries a part of the summary presentation. Never use a parenthesis to indicate major information, always work it into the actual essay presentation or risk losing points for doing that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Change is good for people's life or not? [3]

Trinh, your discussion would have been better if you had tried to follow the proper discussion outline as indicated in the original prompt. the problems with your essay started with the mistake that you made in the representation of the prompt in your paraphrasing. You neglected to properly assess the requirements of the essay and represent it in your outline plus paragraph discussion. How did you fail to properly assess the essay requirements? You were asked to discuss 2 points of view and then your personal opinion. You only discussed one point of view and your opinion. In terms of task accuracy, that would result in a score of 4 because your response to the required discussion is minimal. That will be a tremendous drawback in terms of your final score.

It is important to get the highest possible marks in the TA section so that the other sections will automatically increase in possible scoring. If you can prove you understood the instructions, the examiner will be more lenient in terms of your other weaknesses. The failure of your opening statement, the paraphrasing sealed the failing score for your TA portion and assured that you would score failing to barely passing in the rest of the scoring considerations. The correct paraphrasing and discussion outline would be as follows:

There are two points of view regarding change in a person's life. One point of view is that people should always do the same things and never change. The other, is that change is a good thing for people's lives. This essay will examine the two points of view and offer my personal opinion and support for one of the two points of view.

Writing Feedback / I wrote this essay about travelling, I have never done before [7]

Elizabeth, I need you to clarify if you are writing a practice test for an English exam such as IELTS or TOEFL or, if you are writing this for an English practice class. The reason I ask is because there are 2 different requirements for each type of English writing. Now, if you are just writing this as something you chose to do for practice, without any particular instructions to follow, then the require essay writing formats are not a requirement. Since you did not provide an instruction as to whether this is for an exam or just practice, I will assume that you wrote this as a personal practice test and review it as such.

When you write an essay, you need to follow a chronological or connected form of discussion presentation. You need to make sure that you discuss topics in a connected manner so that your essay will come across as easy to follow and is simple to understand and remember. So for this writing, you should have done as follows:

1. Explained the purpose of the essay in the first paragraph.
2. Discussed reason 1
3. Discussed reason 2
4. Discussed your personal reason
5. Concluded the essay

While the aforementioned format works for the English essay exams, it also helps to serve as a guide for those writing English practice tests. It allows you learn how to discuss in an understandable manner and offers you the opportunity to practice expanding your expanding your English vocabulary. Remember, if you are not practicing for an English test, the sentence requirement is not important. That applies only if you are practicing for the test due to the expected discussion format / requirement.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL Independent essay: A healthy diet to improve health] [4]

Lee, since you were being asked a direct question in the prompt, you could have done a better job at representing the opening statement in order to make it more interesting to the examiner. If the examiner finds your presentation interesting, he will be more inclined to give you a higher score in the TA aspect of the test. I would have written the opening hook, not paraphrase, in the following manner:

There are 3 things that a person can regulate in life in order to improve his health. Some would prefer to increase their time of exercise, while others would prefer to reduce their stress levels. Personally, I prefer to control the types of food that I eat in order to improve my health. I opted for this choice for a number of reasons.

Firstly...

Do you see how I was able to create my own proper prompt or discussion requirement based upon the provided information? That is the aim of this test and that is what you should provide. Don't treat it like a common prompt because this is somewhat of a "free topic" essay discussion with very minimal instructions provided. Use that freedom to highlight your TA and GRA abilities. Overall, the discussion you present is good. When combined with a killer opening statement, I am sure you will score highly on the actual test.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 1] Changes in the town of Youngsville in New Zealand from 1980 to 2005 [2]

Peter, it is always best to combine the observations that you made, along with the instructions for the discussion in the first paragraph of the essay in order to secure the highest possible task accuracy score. For example, you could have presented this opening statement as follows:

A map for the town of Youngsville in New Zealand covering the years from 1980 - 2005 was presented for analysis. Overall, the town showed continuous improvement to its infrastructure and open spaces throughout this time period. This essay will summarize these improvements and offer comparisons of changes whenever indicated for the reader's benefit.

You will probably notice that my summary accomplishes a number of tasks, namely;
1. Introduce the image supplied
2. Introduce the purpose of the image
3. Briefly explain my observations of the map provided (trend)
4. Outline the upcoming discussion

The aforementioned topic sentences comprise the total summary introduction. I always ask that the students present the summary at the start of the essay because it makes more sense to depict the discussion beforehand as opposed to summarizing after, which makes it more difficult to choose what information you will sum up at the end. With a 3-5 sentence requirement, doing the outline earlier just makes more sense and is easier to accomplish. This also gives you, as the exam taker, a clear guide as to how to develop your essay.

Using my version of the summarized prompt, you would have scored better because you would not need the filler statement in the middle that was only 2 sentences long. Always write 3 sentences within 3-5 paragraphs. For this type of essay, writing 4 paragraphs will be sufficient enough to get you a decent score. The conclusion paragraph is optional in a task 1 essay anyway.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2- nature or nuture influence human development [3]

Tham, you did not clearly understand the prompt requirements. You were being asked to discuss only your single opinion in relation to the statement made in the original discussion Here is a sample of a more appropriate paraphrase:

People are born with characteristics that researchers believe influence their development as a person. Researchers say that being born with the character traits has a major influence on the personality of an individual more than his life experiences. As with the opinion of these researchers, I believe that there is a single major influence that helps to dictate the personality and development of the person. Through this essay, I will be discussing what that major influence is and why I consider that to be the single, most important influence in a person's personality development.

From that point, your next 3 paragraphs should have introduced your choice of influence and explained it's basis. The basis could have been explained in 2 separate paragraphs that represent the public perception that influenced your opinion and your personal experience. It would have resulted in a sound representation of the original prompt requirements along with your concluding summary statement at the end.

The way that you discussed the whole essay is not in accordance with the prompt instructions and expectations. I am sorry to tell you that, in my opinion, the work that you did would not have passed in an actual test setting due to the misunderstanding that you had of the prompt requirement. This was solely a personal opinion paper and you discussed a general statement instead. That is where your main mistake, and where the failure of the total essay lies.

Writing Feedback / Peer Edit for ENG Class- Essay on Addiction and Parenting [2]

Hi Kellie, you have done a very good job on this essay. It is really informative and your intention to help others who were in a similar situation to yours is highly evident. However, I found that your opening statement was not as interesting as the rest of the essay because you opened it immediately with a statement of facts. That type of presentation is not very interesting for the reader. Perhaps you would want to consider reversing the presentation of the opening statement by first telling your story and then stating the facts in the second paragraph instead. I was really hooked by your story and how it relates to the information you provided. I also think that the essay can be even more interesting if you scatter references to your personal experience in relation to the research that you came across and agree or disagree with. This will allow your essay to have an in-depth analysis of the considerations, effects, and solutions possible when it comes to substance addiction. Good work. I know your peers will be very interested to carry on this discussion with you in the actual class setting.

Grammar, Usage / HELP ME WITH MULTIPLE CHOICE CLOZE [3]

Edith, is the paragraph the wrong section and the choices below your answers? You did not make that very clear in the essay. It seems like you did not really respond to the exercise because the paragraph is wrong and the listing below it contains possible answers. You are being lazy. We do not solve the exercises for you. We only advice you as to how to improve it. We can't check your response if we don't know which is which. I will offer you a one time deal. I will give you the correct responses for now. If you do this again though, if you offer an essay for review without instructions and leaving us to provide you with the correct answers, I will report you to the admin for violation of the forum rules. We do not work on your homework here. You do that and we review it for you.

The correct answers are:
1. Glanced at
2. Must have had
3. Despite feeling slightly tired

Numbers 4 and 5 are correct but you have typographical errors that need to be corrected such as " go TO", and "party TONIGHT". Please be careful with your cut and paste actions, or when you retype the essay into the text box here. Always post the correct and full essay. Don't be sloppy and do the exercise before you come here to ask for advice. We are not a tutorial service. We offer free advice on English writing, editing, and research. Repeat, we are not a tutorial service.

Scholarship / Writing a winning self-introduction letter for the KGSP Scholarship. [3]

Tracy, when you speak of your course of life, you need to focus more on your family background rather than a general discussion of the culture and traditions of your country. The concentration of this essay is to get to know you beyond the documents you will be submitting. That includes information about your immediate family and their influence on you. Don't use your uncle, use your closest family members instead. That means your mom and / or dad. How did they influence your course of life?

As for your study background, the fact that you entered into undergraduate studies at the age of 14 will make your application very impressive. However, you need to represent that academic experience on a scale that shows off your academic skills. For example, discussing your academic achievements (if any) rather than discussing your disgruntled nature of study would be more appropriate. The age is already impressive. If you can add recognition and awards, you will be even better off in terms of consideration.

Your interest in Korea and your preparations for studying there is inadequate. There needs to be a reference to how and why your interest in Korea developed. As for the language familiarity, you need to indicate formal lessons instead of only online courses. The KGSP program is very specific about the method by which Korean culture and ethics impressed their applicants. Make sure you create a far more interesting presentation for your essay than this nondescript paragraph.

I would like to point out that your essay has an extremely negative feel and approach to the essay discussion. Can you try to lighten the tone a bit? This essay sounds more like you are declaring your freedom from oppression rather than applying for a scholarship. Tone down the rhetoric in your essay. Show an excitement to be applying for this scholarship instead.

Make sure that when you revise the portion about your internship, that you mention the security agency and your inclusive dates of internship with them. Can you connect this experience with your interest in the masters program that you are interest in studying with the KGSP program somehow? That is a requirement of the prompt. You basically need to justify the reason why you believe your masters degree can only be completed properly in Korea. Consider the reasons why you chose Korea to get a masters degree from and write about that.

Before you think that I am dissing your work, I would like to be clear about one thing. You did a good job with this essay. That is, if you were only writing a personal statement that was not going to be submitted to the KGSP for consideration. The problem is that this essay already has its tone and points for discussion clearly set out for the applicant. All you have to do, is make sure that you reflect those needs in the expected manner.

This is a kick-ass essay if I ever saw one. If only it adhered more to the expectations and requirements of the specific KGSP letter of self introduction, you could use this essay without revision.

Writing Feedback / WT1: The graph below shows the four leading types of farming produce in Mitchford city 1970-2000 [5]

Jade, your essay is good in covering the discussion of the graph. However, you only presented body paragraphs in this essay. You did not represent a summary of the presentation plus an outline of the discussion that was to come forth. The summary could have come either as an opening statement or a concluding summary. Neither were represented in your essay. The summary outline is actually one of the most important factors that is considered in the scoring process so you should never neglect to present that summary in the essay. Don't be confused, the summary overview cannot contain any of the actual information found in the graph. Rather, it is to give information regarding the discussion topics for the essay in a summary form. No facts or figures yet. If I were to write the summary introduction for this essay, it would similar to:

A graph was provided showing the 4 top farming products of Mitchford City. The products, including their selling price in dollars were monitored over the decades from 1970 up to 2000. This essay will present a more detailed analysis of the graph and the information that accompanied it.

While your grammar is not perfect, it did not pose any stress on the reader. Your information was understandable and a degree of analysis is evident in your work. This is a pretty good attempt at writing a task 1 essay. Save for the missing summary statement, which is a requirement of the essay, you did an acceptable job of writing the body paragraphs though.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Economic developments result in losing traditional values [4]

Trinh, I believe that the main reason that you were unable to pass your test before is because of your improper prompt representation in the opening / paraphrasing statement. You failed to use keywords from the original prompt that would have kept your discussion in line with the original presentation. An example of a proper paraphrase for this essay is :

Countries have been trying to improve the standard of living of its people through the development of the country's economy. The problem, is that some people believe that this sort of improvement leads to the loss of traditional values. I tend to disagree with this point of view for several reasons that I will be presenting in this essay.

If you compare my paraphrasing with what you wrote, you will notice that there is a prompt deviation and misrepresentation in the one that you wrote. Additionally, you totally added your personal opinion as a factual discussion which should not have been done. You should have merely outlined the discussion points and then represented whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Remember, in an "or" situation, you pick one side to discuss and develop the body paragraphs around that point of view. You did not do that in this case. You chose to discuss both points of view instead. That shows a lack of understanding of the prompt requirements, which led to your low score in the actual exam. You need to be able to tell the difference between an opinion essay and a compare and contrast essay. In this case, the "or" indication meant that this was solely an opinion essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Argument on whether economic progress is the most important goal of governments [2]

Zhou, it is unacceptable for you to present your point of view in the opening statement. That is not allowed because the opening statement is only supposed to serve as the topic outline for the forthcoming body paragraph discussions. No information may be presented there because the examiner will be looking for task accuracy as well as cohesiveness and cohesion in the presentation. The latter cannot be developed in the first paragraph due to the limited sentence allotment.

It is important that you limit your ideas to one discussion per paragraph in order to gain a better overall score. In your first paragraph, the presentation of the discussion is not smooth because you first discuss funding for public facilities then suddenly, you discuss work, salary, and employment towards the end. There are 3 ideas being discussed in a single paragraph, which represents a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion. This is a trait that is constant in all the paragraphs you created. Including your conclusion.

Going back to your opening statement, please present one point of view as a separate sentence. This will help you to meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement and also show your task accuracy skills and English comprehension skills. Your concluding statement should represent the reverse of the opening statement. Meaning, it should summarize the discussion as you presented it in the essay instead of the original paraphrased prompt.

Letters / Cover letter apply for assistance research position (my educational skills and motivation) [3]

Atoosa, one of the main concerns that I have with your letter is that you are applying for acceptance into a position that you are not sure exists in the laboratory that you are interested in joining. It would be in your best interest to first inquire as to the availability of the position prior to your applying. That is because if the position you are applying for does not exist, then your letter will not reach the head of the research team. It will be set aside, hopefully, for future consideration, should the position open up.

Your letter needs to address the reader as a hopeful applicant for the position that exists. You cannot inquire and apply in the same letter. That is why you have to adjust the tone of your letter to be more suitable for the proposed application status. Either you are inquiring or you are applying because the position exists to be filled.

You need to clarify how your professional and academic experience makes you the most suitable candidate for this position. That is done by directly relating your interests to certain research points in this office. So you need to familiarize yourself with the current status of the research being done by this doctor. Mention him by name, when you first heard about his research and how your experience relates to the current development of his research. Your training and his research have to intersect at the proper point in order for you to prove that you will be a valued addition to the team, regardless of the position.

This letter is as good as a template application that is not going to impress the reader. There is a failure on your part to create a point of interest either about your training, profession, knowledge, or ability to continue your own research alongside this doctor's own work. Without representing one or all of those points, the letter is not effective at all.

Writing Feedback / Prison or education is better to solve the problem of crime? [4]

Hi Linh, listen, when an essay asks if you agree or disagree with an opinion, don't discuss both sides in the essay. You aren't supposed to do that because the word "or" in the essay means you are expected to discuss only the opinion that you are supporting. When you discuss the one opinion that you support, include the reasons for your support in order to make an acceptable presentation of your opinion. In this essay, I am also unclear, as per your opening statement, as to which side of the discussion you do not support because you did not indicate it specifically in the opinion sentence at the close of this paragraph. So I went through your essay very confused as to which side you support because you did not really give a personal opinion discussion in the essay. Do you see why you need to discuss only one side of the opinion in this instance? Exactly, you can't have the reader guessing as to what you are trying to say.

I would also like to advise you to improve your lexical resource / vocabulary skills. Some of the problematic references in your essay that led me to the conclusion that you need to further practice this area and become more familiar with the English language is that you kept on saying "criminal" when you meant to say "crime" and you actually referred to the "criminal" as an "object" when he is a person, not a thing. These small errors can have a very big effect on the down scoring of your essay so you should concentrate on improving your skills in this regard.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2_compare three different media mediums and describe the most effective one [3]

Tinawu, please remember that you are being scored on the method that you write the essay. As such, you must always deliver the required elements, one of which is the 3 sentence minimum per paragraph. In your opening statement, you missed that requirement by one sentence. That sentence should have indicated the 3 choices that you will be discussing in the body paragraph. The reason you needed to indicate that is simple, it would have completed the paraphrased discussion and outline of your essay. That is the chronological discussion of the essay topic that the reader should expect. Without it, the reader is left guessing as to what to expect of your discussion.

You will also score better if you develop only one topic for discussion per outline. That is because you are scored on coherence and cohesiveness. These factors cannot be achieved when you discuss more than one reason per paragraph. The lack of achievement is because you will not be able to fully explain your reasons due to the 5 sentence maximum requirement. Instead, the paragraph will look unprofessional / non-academic because the discussion is skipping around.

The concluding paragraph of your essay can also use further development in terms of properly restating the discussion you have on the topic and providing a 3-5 sentence wrap up of the choices and reasons behind your choices.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: high petrol price can reduce traffic? [2]

@ruby1231 I believe that the overall score for your essay would be somewhere in the 5 range. This is a score that I based on problems with your task accuracy, your cohesiveness and cohesion, lexical resource, and grammar range. Your task accuracy had to be marked down because instead of presenting a properly paraphrased opening statement, you began to immediately discuss facts in the paragraph.

The discussion proper of the essay is not supposed to be presented until the 2nd-4th paragraphs. The opening statement is merely used to explain to the examiner what you understood of the original prompt topic and how it is ti be discussed. Under no circumstance are discussions to be done there because there are only 5 sentences allowed per paragraph and the opening statement will not allow for the proper discussion development along with a proper paraphrasing of the topic.

By the way, when you are asked to what extent you agree or disagree, you need to use that exact phrase in your paraphrasing. For example, you could have said; "I agree with that statement to a certain extent because of reasons to be discussed below." That would be a proper close to the opening statement paragraph. Always note the keywords in the original discussion and use these to help boost your score in the actual essay.

You also need to have at least 4 fully developed paragraphs in the essay. Your 4th paragraph is under utilized and under developed. This will result in a mark down of your score because you did not show a coherent and cohesive discussion throughout your essay. Needless to say, your conclusion also suffers from a proper representation of the previous discussion, summarized reasons, and repetition of your personal opinion.

Writing Feedback / Whats My idea for an independent film? [5]

Kebing, I am confused here. The title of your essay indicates that the reader is supposed to expect a story outline / discussion of an independent film idea that you wish to make. It does not tell the reader that you are going to give the meaning of an independent film on a personal basis. Kindly consider changing the title of your essay from the current one to something more appropriate such as "What an independent film means to me" or something more similar to what you have written. Remember, when your title is inappropriate for your essay, you will receive a lower score because you are thought to have misled the reader.

In order to expand this essay, you can separate the reasons why you believe an indie film is the best film making method for a first time director. After all, you said that you believed there are several reasons. However, you only discuss one reason. You can discuss 2 reasons in 2 separate paragraphs in this instance in order to fully develop the discussion and achieve the word count. You should also expand upon the concluding statement that you wrote because it doesn't really sum up the discussion in the best manner. Do your best to develop a more interesting concluding statement for your essay. These two suggestions, if developed properly on your end will result in the word count being met.

Writing Feedback / Is punishment necessary to help children learn distinction what's right or wrong? [5]

Ethel, your task accuracy score for this essay will come down to a 3. That will also translate into the final score for your essay because of the inadequacies of your presentation. Your first problem, is that you did not properly paraphrase the prompt. The first paragraph always requires the test take to prove his English comprehension and writing skills by properly restating the topic for discussion, type of discussion, and transition sentence at the end of it. It is always assumed that the examiner will not have access to the question you were given to discuss so you will need to present your own understanding of those required elements prior to your full discussion in the body paragraphs.

Your discussion will score a 3 in terms of cohesiveness and coherence as well. That is based upon the fact that you did not properly develop your reasoning process per paragraph. In this instance, one discussion your opinion required one paragraph. One discussion, in a separate paragraph of your personal experience was also required. By discussing the ideas in the same paragraph, you did not properly transition the discussion so you ended up creating a confusing paragraph instead. It was confusing because your explanations lacked relevance and did not relate to each other. That is why individual paragraphs need to be assigned in this instance.

The biggest problem of your essay at this point relate to the opening statement and conclusion. I already explained the problem of the opening statement to you. The problem with your conclusion, simply put, is that you do not have one. There is no proper summation of the discussion at the end which would have required a recapitulation of the previous discussion, personal experience, and grounding method. The conclusion is as important as the opening statement as this also relates to your task accuracy score.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of Coca-Cola sales around the World - IELTS Task 1 [3]

Cheung, please pay attention to the English writing rules when you write your essays. Follow the "first word is always capitalized" rule as that is a standard requirement for all English written activities, not just essays. The minimum standard for the task 1 essay is 150 words. So, unless you forgot to mention that there was a lower word count requirement for this essay, you are under the word minimum count and will receive a penalty for it. You could have increased the word count if you had bothered to deliver a proper summary of the report. That is something that is required of all Task 1 essays and can be placed either at the beginning or the end of the essay. You did not place a summary anywhere. You went directly into the discussion of the illustration without offering a proper overview summary of the discussion for the reader to serve either as the opening or concluding statement of the essay. You only have 2 paragraphs in this essay when the minimum presentation is 3 paragraphs. There are really several shortcomings in your current presentation that will prevent this essay from garnering a passing score, at the very least, during the actual test. With regards to your graph analysis, since the figures provided are estimates, you should make sure to always use terms such as estimated, about, close to, and other similar terms to connote that the figures you are providing are only close to the graph but not the actual figure. It is extremely difficult to claim an actual figure in this case because the graph lines did not fall on the actual number, but always somewhere in between. Therefore, the presentation must be as close to an estimation as you can get of the actual figure. Be consistent about that presentation. Don't suddenly sound sure because the image was unable to provide you with accurate information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - discuss the importance of homework [3]

Wally the whole approach that you took to discussing this essay is not in accordance with the prompt requirement. Your paraphrasing alone shows that you misunderstood the task assigned and as such, you ended up portraying an unacceptable version of the prompt. It is unacceptable because it does not follow the instructions you were originally provided. The prompt instructions said "discuss both sides and give your opinion." You discussed only one side then gave your personal opinion.

The essay also suffers from a lack of cohesiveness and coherence because you discuss too many topics in one paragraph. Each paragraph must only discuss one topic in order to properly develop complex sentences that lead to the cohesiveness of the presentation and a clear understanding (coherence) of the paragraph discussion. You need to present only one topic for discussion. The failure of the cohesiveness and cohesion stems from you trying to show off your knowledge of the topic instead of your ability to discuss the topic. Those are two different things. Just show your ability to discuss one reason for the given topic per paragraph. Don't show off your vocabulary skills that are not perfect. Just prove that you can discuss in an understandable manner in English. Nothing more, nothing less. Your conclusion is also faulty as it is only a single sentence when the minimum requirement is 3 sentences per paragraph. So the essay was not concluded in the proper manner and doesn't contain the correct information in relation to an effective concluding statement.

What two sides were you supposed to discuss? The first side was "people think homework is necessary because it plays a role in the child's education." and the other "Others believe homework should not be given". Then your personal opinion comes last. Review the prompt requirements, you will see that you only discussed 2 parts in what should have been a 5 paragraph essay.

Scholarship / Chevening essay on leadership - Servant leadership essay [6]

Dung, this essay could do better if you just used your leadership experience in the Young Southeast Asian project. That sounds more like you had leadership responsibilities and required you to use your influencing skills as well. The professional experience that you presented, although most preferred for this sort of essay, falls short in the leadership and influencing aspect because you were a subordinate and not a leader. If you have another more professional experience that you can use, that would be best. However, if the only leadership experience that you have is under the aforementioned project, then make that the focal point of the discussion instead. Make sure to present only one problematic situation that required you step up to the plate as a leader and also, show off how you influenced others in order to succeed with your assigned task. Right now, this part of the essay is not really effective because you speak of the group collectively instead of your individual leadership and influencing experience, which is the whole point of the essay. The influencing that you present in this part of the discussion seems to be the other way around. You were inspired by your team mates instead of you inspiring them. That is not what you are supposed to be presenting here. You said you boosted the brain storming sessions, that's good. Focus on developing that. You are the subject of this essay so please take ownership of the actions and results as you indicate in the essay. Display proper leadership and influencing / motivational skills in order to prove that you can be a future leader in your country. That is very weakly represented in this current version.

Writing Feedback / The usage of car - eight kinds of driving purposes. IELTS WRITING TASK 1 [4]

Ren, the first problem with your essay is that you used a parenthesis to list the graph topics. You should not use a parenthesis because that listing does not help to prove your command of the English language. Instead, you should have worked on developing a sentence listing for the graph content. That way you would have had a chance to better highlight your English writing skills. Now, the bar graph shows percentage points for each classification. Yet you did not use these estimations for most of the essay. Since this essay is supposed to be a summary of the information provided, the reader is expecting to read more figures as provided in the original report. As a researcher, your job is to make sure that you get the figures right in the process of informing the reader. You failed to do that in this essay. There was no strong analysis represented in this essay because you seemed afraid to make comparisons where required. The instructions said the bar chart showed information. How you discuss the essay is up to you. While this essay would be acceptable in most instances, the presentation will not help to increase your task accuracy and GRA score because you did not really try to develop more complex paragraph presentations. Please try to be more precise in your presentation of facts and figures in your next essay in order to improve your overall score. Try to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Whenever possible, use the actual figures and compare the information in order o show a degree of analytical skill in terms of your discussion.

Writing Feedback / Film import in comparison to self-production [2]

Tung, your essay lacks proper discussion developments that could have better represented a cohesive and coherent discussion. I think that this problem stems from your desire to discuss both points of view in one paragraph so that you can conclude with a personal opinion. I am not sure if you have been instructed not to do this by your tutor because that is what I would tell you once I review your work. This essay does not properly represent the prompt requirements for a number of reasons.

The major problem that I see is that you were being asked to discuss 2 reasons. One is the side that supports the importation of foreign films and the other, the side that seeks to have more locally produced movies. You discussed the locally produced side only from a personal point of view. The prompt requires a public point of view discussion prior to your personal point of view discussion. This representation is also missing from your prompt paraphrasing in the opening statement. It is because of this error in discussion that you ended up showing that you did not understand the task requirements, which led to you changing the prompt instructions to something that you decided to do on your own. This would be an automatic fail in the actual test. The score won't be higher than a 3.

When the instruction states that you have to discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion, that is exactly what you have to do. This essay represents only 2 of the requirements. It also has an improperly developed concluding statement because of the lack of proper discussion summary prior to your closing line.

Writing Feedback / The history of Harris. [Narrative essay] Gave Me Hope [2]

Sharisha, pay attention to the tense usage in your presentation. You tend to confuse your present and past tense usage which makes the essay difficult to understand. Are you writing this as part of your English language practice? If you are, then you didn't do a bad job. While there are some problems work your sentence development, the essay itself was still understandable. Your grammar structure should improve over time as you get more used to reading, thinking, and writing in English. The story is interesting but could have used a better hook at the start to interest the reader. The character is very one dimensional at the moment and could use some physical description to help the reader better imagine the narrated events. To much description workout action or dialogue to cut the narrative at picture points made the essay boring to read later on. The character interaction was too mechanical. They're was no real twist to the story that could have made for a more interesting climax. That part was so textbook in presentation that the ending was easily guessed from the start of the story. Not a bad attempt though. You have the potential to get better.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Saving or spend money [5]

Nguye, let me help you out with your formatting here since you posted a series of questions relating to it. There is a standard format to the IELTS task 2 essay depending upon the required elements for discussion. The required elements are represented as follows:

1. Paraphrased opening statement
2. body paragraph
3. body paragraph
4. body paragraph or personal opinion ( if required)
5. concluding summary
The best way for you to control your word and sentence limit is really simple. Don't try to discuss too much in a given paragraph. The aim of the test is to prove that you have the ability to understand English discussions and discuss the same. Therefore, you need not impress the examiner with too much information. One piece of properly developed and presented information will be the best way to meet the sentence and word requirement of the essay. Focus on one information to present in your outline. Not more than that. Control your desire to discuss too much because it is not required. A properly selected reason is better than 4 selected reasons that do not properly represent your coherence and cohesiveness abilities when it comes to writing.

Writing Feedback / Honey bee diagram explanation - [IELTS Writing Task 1] [4]

Peter, when the word minimum is 150, you should not just write 150 words. You wrote just enough to pass the test at the lowest possible passing score. You should write at least 200 words in order to give yourself an opportunity to properly represent your complex sentence structure abilities in the test. That means you need to go beyond just the obvious illustration in the diagram. This is done by further studying the illustration you were provided with. In your given statement, you said that the moulting period occurred within the 5th, 12, and 21st days of the development of the bee. The thing is, the moulting period is a separate part of the development of the bee because this is when the bee comes to maturity. As such, you should have indicated this as a separate part of the maturation cyle. Further analysis of the bee during this period shows that there is a physical development that occurs. It was not represented in your essay. That is why your presentation is very short. In a Task 1 essay, you need to give additional time to the illustration analysis before you write the essay. Make sure that you did not miss any development points in the illustration and always, decide upon a given development is a part of the cycle or a separate, but connected part of the cycle provided. Those are 2 different things.

Writing Feedback / Japanese people traveling oversea from 1985 to 1995; market share of Australia [2]

Phuong, kindly remember that we are unable to accurately review your essay when you do not upload the illustration that you based the summary analysis upon. It helps guide our review of your work and allows us to see the inaccuracies and deficiencies in your written work. I will only be able to give you a superficial assessment of your work since you failed to include the image for our reference. I will not review your summary overview because I do not have any material to base your claims upon.

While you did write more than the minimum of 150 words, the formatting that you used is problematic. The Task 1 essay normally has 3 paragraphs at a minimum because the analysis is composed of an overview and at least 2 body paragraphs, plus an optional conclusion. You only have 2 paragraphs which means that this work has a number of items missing from the original illustration. I just cannot pinpoint it because of the lack of the image for comparison. It is always best to aim to write at least 3 paragraphs for this essay in order to prove your English comprehension skills and writing abilities.

Your essay suffers from run on sentences. Your second paragraph is too long because you chose to use commas to separate the discussion instead of full stops using a period. The period is the more accurate method of writing this essay because it allows you to present short facts in complex sentences. In this case, there is a lack of proper paragraph development even though your GRA is acceptable. Using sentences allows the reader to pause and consider what you have just written. It is part of the summary presentation process so it should not be omitted in your presentations.

I think that this is a good essay but I cannot be sure unless I can counter check it with the original. It's too late for that now because a contributor can only give one advice per thread. That is why I cannot score your work either. Please don't forget to upload the image with your next posting so that a better review of your essay can be made. As of now, this is as far as I can do with advising you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2, talk about marriage age limitation in which at least 21 [2]

Putri, there are so many problems with the way that you wrote this essay that I cannot figure out where to begin in assessing and commenting on them. Let me just say right off the bat that this essay will not get a score higher than a 3 in an actual setting. That is because of the severe distortion of the message you are trying to deliver due to your lack of control over English grammar, thus causing a lack of accuracy in the way that you express yourself and deliver your line of thought.

Your opening statement shows that you did not understand the method by which you were required to present and discuss the given topic. An example of the correct paraphrasing for the opening statement follows below:

A discussion has been ongoing regarding the proper legal age for marriage. The point of discussion has to do with the opinion that the legal age for marriage should be at least 21. In this essay, I will be discussing the extent of my disagreement with this public opinion.

If you will compare the opening paraphrase that I wrote and then compare it with the original prompt, you should see that you misunderstood the topic being presented and the discussion requirement. You were discussing the establishment of the age of marriage when the actual topic was "the legal age for marriage should be at least 21". A topic which is far different from what you presented in your discussion. Your discussion should have indicated, in the second paragraph that;

One of these reasons is that I disagree with the age of 21 being the legal age for marriage is...

It is important that you first increase your understanding of the English language by improving your comprehension skills first. If you cannot understand the instructions or the topic for discussion, then you will not be able to properly discuss it. So first, learn to understand English and then, practice writing simple essays first. Don't use the standard IELTS questions at the start. Just write essays that are free of formatting standards and scoring expectations so you can get used to writing int he language and develop your simple English grammar skills. Only when you have perfected this portion can you move on to the more advanced demands of the IELTS test essays.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts illustrate five sources of energy production in France. [4]

Gang, I would like to applaud your analysis of this essay. Save for a very minor oversight in the second paragraph, where neglected to offer a subject for the sentence and as such did not really have a point to its structure and construction. It was supposed to say; "... the primary sources OF ENERGY in France.." That is a very minimal mistake that can easily be overlooked by the examiner with an analysis essay that has this sort of high quality to it. The observations went beyond the obvious and shows that you really examined the pie chart you were provided with and sought to find comparisons whenever necessary and relevant. In my opinion, this sort of handiwork will not score less than a 7. You have presented some pretty solid work here and I was hard pressed to find any marked errors in it. I am pleased to see that you have applied the lessons taught to you in such a manner. Keep writing like this and you will be sure to pass the test. Good job!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] The main reasons for study among students of different age groups [2]

Peter in terms of a summary overview, you could have had a better presentation if you had actually indicated the age groups that were to be presented. After all, the age groups are part of the comparison portion between student rate and employer support rate. That way, the outline of the discussion would have been better provided and the reader would have had a clearer idea as to what the discussion coverage was. In your last paragraph, you should have used a more affirmative tone rather than a supposing point of view in terms of the age of 30-39 having a "probability" factor because the graph was pretty specific about employers withholding financial support for studies of employees beyond that age range. In fact, I believe that you could have instead used the term "estimate" or "estimated" because there was still a degree of support for that age range indicated in the bar chart. The presentation should have positively indicated that "Employers gave minimal support to employees between the ages of 30-39 at an average 40%. The lowest employer support percentage in the chart."

Writing Feedback / Is it true that women make better parents than men? Discuss [2]

Atakan, this is not a comparison and point of view essay. This is a straightforward personal opinion essay. So the way you wrote the essay doesn't really address the prompt instructions for the discussion. A paraphrasing adjustment is in order in this case that should reflect the major instruction of the paper. The adjustment to your essay should sound like this:

Some people believe that women are better at raising children than men. Others believe that men can be just as effective in raising children. In this essay, I will be discussing my point of view regarding this issue.

In my opinion, women are better at raising and taking care of children because...

The only problem that I see with your paper is in the opening statement / paraphrasing. The reasons that you discuss within your body paragraphs are sound and valid. These are reasons that most people consider and are popularly accepted as common knowledge. If you could have used a personal experience to further validate your point of view, the discussion would have been scored even higher. In fact, the addition of a negative opinion, using an example, of how a father is not as well equipped in raising children would have further shown an in-depth consideration of the discussion and increased your score even further.

Regardless of the slight mistakes in punctuation and grammar, you have a well developed discussion and could easily score high marks because of your language proficiency, regardless of the minimal GRA problems. The only scoring down would have been in the opening statement and conclusion portion of the discussion. Your conclusion continued the discussion instead of summarizing the information and delivering a closing statement based on the aforementioned information in your essay. A simple opening line that indicates the conclusion could have been "In conclusion", "Finally", "To close my opinion statement I would like to reiterate that.." among others.

Writing Feedback / Having a gap year before attending college - IELTS [3]

Nguye, I will give your work a score of 4 across all the 4 scoring considerations. Your paraphrasing is inaccurate in terms of properly representing the prompt requirements because of the improperly represented discussion outline. The outline should have been:

Some people believe that taking a gap year after high school to travel is a good idea. Others who disagree with this belief believe that this is a bad idea for several reasons. In this essay, I will be discussing the two opposing points of view with the addition of my personal opinion at the end.

Nguye: Correction to the opening statement is in bold. GRA score is 4.

Note how I represented each point of view individually. This shows the examiner that you understand the subject of the prompt. Then I outlined what will be discussed, the two points of view and my personal opinion. This presentation proves that I am capable of understanding the instructions provided and that I will be discussing it in the expected manner.

Your line of reasoning is good but needs to be better developed. It is always best to take the most impressive topic for the argument, just one topic, and then totally develop that discussion in 3-5 sentences. It helps to increase your GRA score when you are concentrated on only one topic instead of discussing so many topics in the paragraph that you barely are able to justify your reasons and properly develop your sentences. The fact that you tried to discuss more than one reason really weakened your presentation when it could have been strong enough to score at least a 5. There is a lack of complex sentences in your writing and the grammar problems abound. You obviously did not have time to proof read and edit your essay before submission. Always leave at least 5 minutes to do that before the end of the allotted time.

When you are discussing two opposing points of view, making sure that you discuss the same topic as the one you previously presented makes your presentation even stronger. That is because the line of reasoning shifts to a debate mode which allows you to show the same school of thought using 2 different considerations, the good and the bad. So if you discuss how the parents take a bank loan to pay for the trip for their child, and that is considered a positive, how does that translate into a negative? That is the new opposing paragraph that you should have written.

As for your personal opinion, you cannot make that part of the conclusion. For the personal opinion, you could have reflected on whether you would have taken a gap year abroad and what your reasons would be. That would justify your support or non-support of one of the given discussion sides. The the proper concluding summary of the discussion and a reiteration of your opinion was all that was required for the closing paragraph.

Writing Feedback / "A lot of people want to get married at later ages. Why is this trend popular ?" [5]

Tram, this is a good essay. The only problem that I see with it is a disconnection between your discussion as to why this is a popular trend these days and why it should be considered a good development. It is important that you learn to discuss two connecting reasons or thoughts within one paragraph in order to make it most effective in discussing the topic.

Take for example your first example, you mentioned at the end of it that getting married is a barrier to career achievements. That would have been the best topic to focus the whole paragraph on instead of presenting separate reasons that don't really have a chance to be properly defended in your discussion. If you had opted instead to discuss why marriage is a barrier towards career opportunities, then you would have been able to effectively represent the reason the trend is popular and the positive side of that.

Your second paragraph has the same problem. It has too much going on without really giving a strong impact as to the supporting discussion. Statements that only deliver half a reason is not as good as delivering one reason with a strong supporting statement. That is the kind of paragraph that allows for complex sentence development and an increased mark up in your final score.

As for the conclusion, it seems like you did not even try to develop one on your own. You even deviated from the prompt requirement by indicating and advantage and disadvantage reference when only the advantage needed to be referenced. The final paragraph should be written in the same manner as your opening statement. The only difference being that in the conclusion, you can mention the reasons you stated in the body and then close by repeating the belief that "marriage at a later age is a good development because of the preceding discussion". No need to mention the disadvantages because there is no mention of that in the original instructions.

Letters / The program at the University of Winnipeg is suited for my goals. [3]

Afrin, aim for a more academic presentation of your SOP. The written voice that you are using is too casual and does not really suit the seriousness of the paper that you are developing. Pretend that you are in an formal job interview, how would you conduct yourself when it comes to delivering your responses? Go for that tone of voice in your SOP writing.

Now, about your content, you need to focus on creating a chronological presentation of your information. Right now, you are all over the place without any real method to your presentation. Do your best to present the information in the following manner:

1. State your current occupation and the position you hold. Indicate how long you have been working at this company.
2. Discuss how you came across the problem that you wish to resolve. (You did this in your current opening paragraph develop a more professional presentation. Right now, it sounds like a high school creative writing essay. )

3. What kind of solution do you envision delivering in an effort to streamline office services? (Discuss as an expanded, separate paragraph instead of a part of your current first paragraph.

4. Summarize your college experience in relation to your interest in the masters degree program. Mention any awards and recognition you received provided it somehow relates to your masters degree course. Discuss your thesis and how it relates to your work responsibilities and why this has better prepared you for a masters degree course. If possible, present an overview of what your masters degree thesis might be in relation to either your college thesis or your actual work needs. (You have partially done this. Just expand upon it in the manner that I indicated. Give the summary of your study plan even if it is required in a separate essay. This will just be an overview and will not count as repeated information. )

5. Explain why Canada is the only suitable destination for you. You can't just indicate a fact without offering justifications.
6. Discuss the reasons why you chose the University of Winnipeg. In particular, show a familiarity with the university through the course offerings, training programs, or professors that you hope to intern with during your time there.

Depending upon whether you are being asked to write a separate post study career plan, you may want to explain how this exposure will help you in your professional life? Indicate what your 3-5 year career plan is. If you have to discuss that separately, then skip it.

Close by repeating your excitement at attending the university and that you look forward to sharing your knowledge with your countrymen upon your return to your home country.

Writing Feedback / My points of view to the open offices. [3]

Carol, I am not sure as to the purpose of the statement that you just wrote. What exactly is the instruction for the development of your essay? You have not provided us with much to go on with regards to reviewing your work. It would have helped if you had given us instructions and possibly, a copy of the article you are referring to. That way we would have at least had a starting point for the analysis of your work. Regardless of that though, I can still point out specific mistakes in your essay format.

It would help your essay is you mention the article that you are citing in the essay. More importantly, you have to consider what writing style you are being asked to use so that you can refer to the proper in-text citation of your work. Without the proper referencing of the quote, this will be considered a plagiarized portion of your statement.

While I will accept that this essay is well written to a certain degree, I question the validity of some of your statements as these seem to refer to implied statements in the article that you read, but lacks the proper reference or complete citation in the essay. That said, your English skills are of an advanced level and allows you to express yourself in a clear manner. The clarity is limited though because of the lack of in-text referencing and overview. I guess I would have had a better impression of your essay if you had provided all of the required materials to us as a guide. Good work though.

Writing Feedback / [task 1]Surveys conducted in 1982 and 2002 show what motivate students to choose a school in the UK [4]

Gang, I believe that this essay can score a 5 in an actual setting. The basis for the scoring is based upon the manner by which you present the information. You use terms such as "five times higher" without giving the actual value in percentage of the increase based upon the pie charts information. Be cognizant of the fact that when you are presented with two images, you are to summarize the essay in a compare and contrast format. That is because you need to make accurate representations of the images. Do not use parenthesis to indicate values because the values are the actual purpose of the summary analysis. By placing it in a parenthesis, you remove the importance of the value and thus, weaken the sentence topic development for that paragraph. Your body paragraphs are good and it shows that you have done your best to represent the figures for discussion in the best manner possible. However, I do not see any summary overview analysis in the essay. That could be placed at the beginning or at the end of the essay. It is really of a personal choice but it must be represented in this essay. A sample summary overview of the essay (at the beginning) could have been written as:

A study was conducted comparing the factors that influence student choices. The years chosen for the comparative analysis were 1982 and 2002. The following essay will summarize the important information and make comparisons where necessary.

I always opt to place the summary analysis as the opening paragraph of the essay because it creates a topic discussion outline that also helps the test-taker keep track of the information necessary for an accurate summary discussion of the images provided. Of course, this could have also been placed at the end as:

The comparative study showed a number of similarities even though there were decades between the student who were assessed. It can be concluded that very little to no changes take place when it comes to the motivating factors that influence a student's decision to choose a school. Therefore, the trend of student choices does not change over time.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Modern life is easier than life in the past. [2]

Utsav, your brain was running a mile a minute when you wrote this essay. You thought of so many topics for discussion that you neglected to follow the standard format requirements for the essay. You do not have a proper opening paragraph with paraphrasing, nor do you have a proper concluding statement for the essay. You only have 5 body paragraphs. In the actual test, you know what such an oversight would result in for your score. Do not make that mistake ever again if you want to pass this test. You have presented way too many topics for discussion per paragraph so all you have are continuous sentence subject representations but no paragraph discussion development. This resulted in a complete lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your paragraphs. This is haphazard work that showed your only focus was on the vocabulary and grammar accuracy aspect, which resulted in your neglect of the other similarly important aspects of essay presentation in the test. I can say that you have an intermediate level of English expertise which was eclipsed by your lack of proper essay presentation. I would like you to concentrate, during your next practice test, on properly assessing the original prompt instructions, outlining your discussion topics in a coherent and cohesive manner, and then developing a proper concluding statement. Do not lose sight of the required elements of the test. When you forget to follow the expected pattern, this sloppy work is what you produce.

Writing Feedback / Burgeoning economic growth effect. Problem and solution essay. [3]

@Sirojiddin it would be best if you can separate your discussions into the manner indicated in the discussion instructions. That way you can show a clear understanding of the instructions provided. So by presenting 2 problems first and then 2 solutions next, the essay will be better outlined for the examiner. By the way, you are focusing on a government solution to the problem when that is not indicated in the original instructions. Always reflect the information that is in the original prompt. Do not represent information that is not required. The solution that you should have presented could have been worded in a manner that could have been implemented by either a government or civilian institution. A general discussion / reference is always best.

You must also be conscious of the required sentence and paragraph elements for this essay. Do not write more than 5 sentences and do not develop more than 5 paragraphs, 3 of which will be the body paragraphs. Even with these observations, I will acknowledge that you developed a very good essay that shows off your English comprehension skills.

You show a clear understanding of the prompt requirements, but made a slight mistake in the discussion that could be overlooked by the actual examiner but I had to point out for your improvement. This is a good essay on its own. You did good work but have room for improvement. I hope that I will see a reflection of the suggested improvements in your next practice tests.

Writing Feedback / Practice IELTS Writing Task 2 - Advantages or Disadvantages of Information Technology Development [4]

Tonga, I am really disturbed by the fact that you show a good grasp of the English language when it comes to writing, but then you failed to properly understand the topic for discussion in the original prompt. You were being asked to discuss these two areas in relation to the outweighing of the advantage or disadvantage of technology in the workplace and academic setting:

1. Professors placing their lectures online instead of lecturing in a classroom, physical setting
2. Office personnel emailing rather than talking to each other even though they seat next to each other.

The topics for discussion in the essay were clearly given and yet you disregarded the topics provided and instead, developed some discussion topics of your own. While your English skills are acceptable, the change in the discussion slant from the original shows that you somehow did not really understand the instructions provided. There is a disconnection between your writing skills and your English comprehension skills. That is why this essay cannot gain a score higher than a 3.