Writing Feedback / Schools concentrate far too much on traditional subjects which do not adequately prepare student [3]

@Dunghoang Kindly provide the full original prompt requirement the next time you post your essay so that a more accurate and point by point review of your work can be done. At the moment, I am unsure if your approach to responding to the essay is correct due to the lack of instructions / prompt. Even without the prompt, I can see that there are a number of problems with this essay.

You need to clarify which point of the educational stages (elementary, high school, college) is the focal point of the discussion. Do you believe that the traditional classes that are taught in college during the first 2 years, do not adequately prepare the student for his major classes in the third and final year of college? Or do you mean that all the schools should deviate from the traditional classes in favor of STEM high school studies in order to prepare them for college and the workplace? There needs to be more information attached to your essay that will show how familiar you are with the topic indicated. Your discussion is acceptable but weak. It needs to be strengthened in approach.

Research Papers / Defeating the Military Lifestyle: A Rough (Draft) Proposal [2]

Dwight, I assume that the first part of this paper is your Abstract presentation. As such, it should only have 10 lines of information at the most that summarizes the issue you will be presenting for discussion, the research method, data collection method, and assumed outcome of the research. Regardless of the form of research being done, you must never include a citation within the paragraph because the overview does not allow you to present actual information within the paragraph. That said, you must remove the personal references or self interest in the research introduction. Like I said, it must be treated as the abstract so that information is not required at that point. With regards to the resources, you must reference the actual authors, journals, books, and other reference materials in this section. summarize the reasons why you chose these sources in reference to your research. What you present is too vague to create any authority for the inferred sources. As for the data collection, the professor does not want to know how difficult it will be and how hindered you are when it comes to data collection. If you lack sources, then indicate how you plan to get around it. This would be the best time to use your personal experience. If you kept in touch with some other children of military families from your generation, perhaps they can help you with data collection. If you work in some form of military field, then indicate that you will use your professional sources to track down more pertinent and current data for your research. Your concluding overview is acceptable and accurately sums up your research.

Writing Feedback / The proportions of British students speaking another language in 2000 and 2010 [3]

Nhi, when you compose your summary statement, make sure that you provide a complete overview for all the information in the essay. In this instance, you failed to include the types of languages that are going to be compared in the succeeding paragraphs. That is part of the all too important essay outline that needs to be presented to help the reader keep track of the forthcoming discussions. You must also learn to always present a paragraph in at least 3 sentences. Stand alone sentences composed of one line as you have in this essay do not qualify as a complete paragraph and will lower your overall score. The comparison discussions in this essay, which are an expected / mandatory part of the presentation is immensely weak because of the under developed paragraphs This also shows that you did not bother to analyze the pie charts in order to make comparisons where needed. Thus severely lowering your chances of getting a passing score with this essay.

Writing Feedback / Governments should control the amount of violence in the media. To what extent do you agree or not [4]

Binz, your discussion is acceptable but flawed to a certain extent. That is because you did not properly format your response to indicate the prompt requirement. For example, in the opening statement, the latter part should indicate something similar to the following phrase in order to properly represent the singular action on your part as required by the prompt:

I agree that the government...

By phrasing your sentence in that manner, you indicate a clear understanding of the prompt requirement and also increase your score possibility because you properly used the prompt keywords within your paragraph. Try to increase your opening statement to at least 3 sentences because that is the standard requirement for all exam paragraph style essays. Aim to write 5 sentence so that you can better represent your ease of use when it comes to the English language.

Your essay deviated from the prompt requirement in the 3rd paragraph. Since you are arguing that the government should control violence in the media, this paragraph should have instead, had an inclusive statement that explained why the government should also be in control of the gaming media and not just televised and social media. Remember, you are being asked "to what extent" do you agree with this statement and saying that the government should control gaming media falls right within that discussion / category.

Your concluding paragraph indicates new information instead of simply using the already existing information in summary form to close the essay. Do not repeat that mistake in your succeeding essays. The academic rule for any essay is that the writer cannot introduce new ideas in the concluding statement. That is because the concluding statement should end the essay instead of continue the discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: What are the perspectives for study abroad? [3]

Do, your opening statement doesn't really provide an accurate depiction of the original prompt requirement. As an examiner, I would be looking for the following information in your work: (1) the original topic for discussion; (2) whether your personal opinion is required in the discussion (3) what the discussion outline is going to be. Compare the requirements for an effective opening statement and you will see that you are failing to respond to at least 2 of the requirements. Therefore, your opening statement will drag down the score for your essay.

While I will not fault your acceptable discussions in paragraphs 2 and 3, you could have made these paragraphs stronger by opting to discuss and develop only one reason instead of presenting a number of reasons whose justification became limited within the paragraph. It is important to focus on single evidence discussions so that you can create more complex sentences because you have the time and the space to properly develop the discussion paragraphs.

I have to comment on your fourth paragraph. The closing paragraph is not acceptable as it does not provide the expected information for the concluding paragraph. There is no proper summation of the discussion using the restated prompt, points of discussion, and your opinion (if needed), all of which are required elements of a strong closing statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: What should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women at work [3]

Riley, the discussion that you have presented shows a lack of current knowledge regarding the treatment of women in the workplace. These solutions that you are proposing have already been implemented on a world wide scale, unless these laws have not been enacted in your country? In which case, the essay would have become stronger and made more sense if you indicated that you are discussing the issue as it relates to the inequality of women's treatment in your country. Your English sentence composition needs work. You need to work on your knowledge of word plurality (female should be females). Your conclusion is also flawed as it does not properly sum up the essay prompt and previous facts in relation to your opinion.

By the way, I am assuming that this is the way that this essay is to be written. Without the original prompt posted, I can't accurately say that you have properly developed your essay discussion and represented the instructions in a relevant manner. Please remember to post the prompt along with your essay when you post your next essay on the forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Education in prison is used to reduce the crime rate so that prisoners can get a job. [2]

Nhu, I cannot accurately review this essay in terms of form and content because you did not provide the original prompt requirement along with your essay. That is why I cannot tell if your introductory paragraph is adherent to the requirements of the paper or not. There is something about what you wrote that tells me it does not follow the instructions for the discussion. I just can't put my finger on it at the moment due to the lack of the original prompt. That said, the essay that you wrote is convincing and really utilizes some very good examples in defense of your position. Your concluding paragraph is lacking in substance though. Mostly because it does not accurately represent the original prompt given as well as a summary of the definitive facts you stated to support your position. It would be best if you post the original prompt along with your next essay for a more thorough review of your work.

Writing Feedback / Different views about what kinds of obligation a company should have [3]

@baosoftware1 This essay will immediately fail the task accuracy portion of the scoring guidelines and as such, receive a failing score in the end. That is because you show a clear lack of English comprehension / understanding when it comes to the provided instructions. You decided to discuss both sides of the issue in addition to your personal opinion when all that was being asked of you to do was to pick a side to discuss and then support that discussion with evidence coming from either personal experience or public information. There was no need to discuss both sides in this essay since the instruction uses the word "or" which means a choice must be made. If you were to discuss both sides and give an opinion, the essay would have instructed you to "discuss both sides and give your opinion." Since that is not the instruction, you will be understood to have misunderstood the instructions and effectively discussed the wrong topic in the essay. In such cases, the essay cannot receive a passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Electricity Production Change in Australia and France [4]

Nuradia, my first comment is that your summary overview is lacking in content and as such, does not display an accurate summary of the chart information. Since the chart clearly indicates the 5 types of fuel used to produce electricity, you must have included the names of these products in the summary. Since the summary is an overview of important information and also doubles as the chronological presentation of the forthcoming discussion, the inclusion of those names would have told the reader about the path of discussion you are about to take. Another comment is with regards to the timeline reference in your essay. Since all of these events have already occurred, it would show a better understanding of English sentence development on your part, if you consistently used the correct time reference in the essay. In this case, the past tense should have been used uniformly in the essay presentation. Now, I believe that you use a separate word processing program to type this essay right? Even if you use the actual text box in the forum, the misspelled words would have been indicated. Please pay attention to your spelling and learn how to correctly spell as many words as possible while you are practicing because in the actual test, misspelled words will drag down your final score. Overall, this is a decent attempt at writing a summary essay. Work on the problem points to show improvement in your next round of practice tests.

Scholarship / Prompt by scholarship committee about my goals for the future [2]

You are saying a lot of things of interest in your essay but none of these responses directly respond to the question of your short and long term career goals. The prompt is asking for definitive plans. For example, your short term goal is to become an academic urologist. Focus the first part of your essay on explaining how you hope to make that happen. Your long term career goal is to create a breakthrough treatment or single diagnosis system for numerous urology problems. Explain how your next 5 years as a student will be focused on researching and developing that system. Your essay keeps speaking of the past experiences, what you hope to learn, what your civic activities are, and all of these are not part and parcel of the expected response. Just because you mention the keywords a few times in the essay does not mean that you responded properly to the question. You need to rethink what your academic and / or professional short and long term goals actually are in a definitive manner then come up with a new essay response.

Writing Feedback / Some people say international sports events help in world peace. Agree or disagree? [2]

CJ, you have the potential to become a good essayist. You have a good handle on the background of international sports events and why it is a bad idea to mount such things these days. The only problem is that you are unable to coherently and cohesively present your reasoning. This is more than evident in the opening statement where you were doing a good job of introducing the topic until you wore the last part starting from " by the displeasure of the people of the country." Prior to saying that you need to establish the reason why the people would be displeased in the first place. So a lack of subject in the sentence created a scattered thought process in your introduction. While I realize that you tried to meet the maximum 5 paragraph requirement of the essay, you failed to develop a complete 4th and 5th paragraph in this instance. You took shortcuts in discussing the ideas that you presented which resulted in an incomplete thought process and presentation yet again. This is clearly seen in paragraph 4 where you did not clarify the discussion you presented with the basis of the action that people would be taking. Remember, each paragraph needs to present a cause and effect in this type of essay. Finally, the concluding statement doesn't work at all because it does not properly sum up the previous discussion, which is all that is expected of a concluding paragraph in these cause and effect type of essay.

Scholarship / I am a medical student on my way to becoming a physician [2]

Amit, this is a pretty interesting essay. The only critique that I can give you is that the essay is asking you to discuss people who influenced your desire to pursue a health care related field. While your grandfather and father did have medical field aspirations, they did not follow through on their desires to actually be considered an influence upon you. You see, an influence in this instance, is someone whose success in the field inspired you to pursue the same ambition. When you consider that your forebears did not follow through on their dreams, it makes you wonder why you would pursue this field in particular. You need to provide the reason why they inspired you, despite them not having health care related professions. If you can tie their interest in health care with something related that they pursue outside of the their actual profession, then you will be able to use these 2 people as inspirations for your ambition. Additionally, I would not discuss the organizations anymore at this point in your essay because there is not enough room for you to actually develop the sort of influence these activities had on you that inspired your interest in this field. If I were you though, I would reverse it and discuss more of the influence of the organizations on your ambition and just mention in passing that your father and grandfather had an interest in medicine but were unable to pursue it. That would be a more balanced and believable presentation.

Graduate / A significant situation where you were at the horns of ethical dilemma [2]

Tosin, an ethical dilemma is a situation wherein there is an option for you to violate an existing rule in order to accomplish or achieve an end result. For example, there is an ethical dilemma existing when you see a fellow student break into the school server in order to get an advanced copy of exams. If the school has an honor code, then you are expected to report such instances to authorities. The ethical dilemma is whether you should honor the code and not report the student who will most likely be expelled or, if you will just keep quiet and allow him to use his stolen exam questions to pass the test. Which would be an ethical violation of the honor code. There has to be a question of integrity on your part. While you do use the term self integrity in order to describe your situation. There was no real ethical dilemma present. You would not be violating any rules if you had chosen to use a picture instead of actually completing the circuit for the project. Do you see what I am driving at here? An ethical dilemma needs to satisfy a specific set of parameters which your current essay does not address.

Writing Feedback / Emotion based decisions will have high tendency to be wrong - they should be taken with free mind [2]

Jayati, I have a few points of major concern in your essay. The first of which is the incomplete representation of the prompt requirement. The accurate paraphrasing of a given topic is essential to any discussion because it forms the basis for the discussion and the outline of the succeeding discussion in the forthcoming paragraphs. While your representation of your reasoning is sound, it lacks the informative value that could have come from a more accurate portrayal of the discussion topic.

You must also be made aware of the fact that you did not complete your thought process in the example paragraph you presented. That would be paragraph 2. It is important that you collectively present the discussion in this paragraph in order to create a stronger presentation of facts. When you separate the discussion into two parts, you divide the attention of the reader and thus, cause them to review your earlier paragraph relating to the topic. Don't force a thought process deviation in your essay. That will tend to confuse the reader and take time away from the complete reading of your essay. Remember, the examiners have only a limited amount of time to read your work, so use that unknown amount of time efficiently. Do not make them go back and forth in reading your document. Show a cohesive and coherent thought process at all times.

The next concern that I have is really very trivial in nature. You should have caught on to the spelling error mistakes, which cause a great deal of stress on the part of the reader. Your misspelled words show a lack of care for the final presentation of your essay. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you always maintain proper lexical use and spelling within your essay, regardless of the exam type that you are taking. When you do not edit and proof read yourself, you show a disrespect towards the exam and the examiner. Always present a clean essay to the reader. You can never proof read and edit your thoughts enough. If possible, do not submit your document early . Make sure to review it 3 times before you submit it. That gives you enough time to catch and errors you may have missed your first time reviewing your essay.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Master of Strategic Communication for University of Canberra [4]

Francesca, the first thing that you have to do is remove the first part of your essay that deals with your 4th grade accomplishments and the envy or jealousy that you were forced to deal with. These information are not required within the prompt requirements and therefore, does not do anything to help advance your application. Review the prompt requirements and make sure that you only reflect the information required within the essay you will be submitting. You are missing a few highly important points in your response such as who will be answering financially for you upon your arrival in Australia along with your travel history. For the travel history, you have to include a detailed list of the visas that have been issued to you, its current standing (valid or expired), how many times you have traveled to those countries, as well as your inclusive entry and exit dates. This is a required element of the vetting program so you need to be highly detailed with the information so they can properly check your travel history. It would also be beneficial to your application if you can generate an employment history for yourself that is verifiable. The employment history should include your current workplace and position. The prompt requires you to make it clear that you plan to return to the Philippines immediately upon graduation which is why you need to explain the relevance of your masters studies to your present or future career. By the way, it is a very bad idea to indicate that you are willing to get student loans in order to finance your studies in Australia. The instructions clearly indicate that your relatives in Australia must be financially responsible for you. That means the government of Australia is not currently willing to give you a student loan. It is a different case if you are applying for a student visa based upon a previously granted student loan from the university that you seek to attend. Basically, you need to revise the current SOP that you have in order to deliver more of the required elements and less of the information that you think you need to be presenting.

Letters / Motivation letter and curriculum vitae for Switzerland university [4]

Ana, I am not sure about how we can help you with your motivation letter because you don't have a draft for us to review. However, if you are looking for pointers and inspiration, I can make a few suggestions. First, when you draft the motivation letter, think about the reasons why you are interested in this particular course. If it is a college degree, then think about your civic activities and life influences that led to your interest in the degree. If it is for a masters degree, then look at your professional performance to date and ask yourself what parts you can improve. What kind of improvements do you want to make in your workplace and how can this degree help you achieve that? Those will represent the basis of your motivation. It won't be extremely difficult to write the motivation letter provided that you know what the basis for your choice of course is. For further help in assessing your motivations and the essay that you will be writing, you can look up our services offered for a more personalized and private assessment of your work. If you'd like to work me, choose the name "Mary" under the preferred writers list.

Writing Feedback / Should schools spend more time in teaching traditional subject or skills? [3]

Iis, if you review your paraphrased prompt in the first paragraph, you will notice that you did not completely represent the 2 sides are indicated in the original discussion presentation. Since you mentioned that there are two sides to the discussion, you should have presented the supporting and opposing discussions in the opening statement. After that, you should have represented your personal opinion by saying (using the keywords) "I tend to agree that... to a certain degree," Then you can explain your personal opinion, after you have presented the two opposing sides of discussion. By the way, you made a mistake in posting the original prompt requirement, the actual prompt asks for the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement. Extent means "the range, distance, or space that is covered or affected by something or included in something". While extend is explained to mean "to stretch out to the fullest length". The mistake in that single word representation, which totally changed the meaning of the essay prompt will result in a serious point deduction for your paper when it comes to task accuracy. While I can attribute this to your unfamiliarity of the language and allow you concessions for it, the examiner will not be as kind. That is why you have to make sure that you do not use the wrong vocabulary in your essay. If you are not sure of the meaning or application of a word, then do not use it. It is better to say something in a roundabout manner and be scored for it than to use the wrong word and lose points for it. The essay is not asking "To what extend do you agree or disagree?" It is asking "To what EXTENT do you agree or disagree?" This simple word mistake totally changed the method by which you approached the essay and how it was discussed. The prompt requirement was changed and as such, could result in an automatic failure of your essay test.

Writing Feedback / The technological progress and globalization influence positively to human's life (with exceptions) [3]

Nickoloz, when you write these essays, make sure to always use the present tense because you are speaking of something that is ongoing and continually changing. Hence the need to say "involves" instead of "involved", "make" instead of "making", "communicating" rather than "communication". Be careful with your plurality as well. That means "washing machines" and "dishwashers" signify plural form so the description should also be plural for "households". When you start in plural form, end in plural form. In the sentence about globalization, say "it took" not "it took's" The apostrophe S is wrong in this instance as the word does not connote ownership. A point of correction as well: "... it took the product to a global market which made the product cheaper". That whole sentence should be in past tense because it speaks of something that already happened.

With regards to the second paragraph, the correct term is "On THE other hand..." Along with that, you should say; "rising pollution levels". The word pollution is the same in singular and plural form. You should also use the singular form and say "human individuality" since you used a singular description "individuality" in the sentence. You forgot to use a comma after the term "conclusion" in your final sentence. The comma is used to signify a pause in the reading, which makes it easier to understand what you have to say.

Don't get me wrong, you did some pretty good writing here. The mistakes you made are easily caught and won't really affect the final score of your statement. Your message is understandable and shows an impressive command of the English language and sentence development just the same.

Letters / Study permit Canada: Study Plan. Cultural, Social, Political Thought Major - Lethbridge University [2]

Lopa, a study plan is not a summary of your past academic experiences. Rather, it is a look as to how you plan to utilize your time as a student in Canada. You will have access to various study venues and be allowed to experience hands-on training during your masters studies. So the consul will need to get an idea as to how you plan to utilize that study period while you are there. The discussion for this all goes back to the purpose for your study. What was the compelling reason that you felt a need to enroll in a PhD course? What else is lacking in your education? Normally, a PhD student has a completed masters thesis in his pocket. The study plan for your PhD course should help you to either build upon new information, based upon the thesis, or, develop a dissertation proposal that covers a new area of study for you. Then you have to explain how studying these courses or completing the research will help you in your future workplace. The study plan tells the consul that you are someone who is serious about your academics and will be returning to your country immediately after because of the importance of your study plan to your home country workplace. Develop a new study plan. One that really outlines a research focused discussion in relation to your thesis or fresh dissertation proposal. It is unfortunate that you cannot use any of the content that you have currently written. This essay doesn't deliver the requirements of a proper study plan. Specially one that will be reviewed by an embassy representative.

Writing Feedback / Age distribution of the populations of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for future [3]

Jade, you can improve upon your opening statement in order to get a better task accuracy score. At the moment, it doesn't really provide a good overview summary because you wrote only a single sentence for it. The introduction needs to represent the overview of the content and outline your discussion. In your opening statement, you should have represented the age groups involved as well. The information should have been presented in individual sentences in order to meet the 3 sentence minimum requirement, which you successfully did in the succeeding paragraphs. Think of the test like a series of sound bites. The more you say in shorter sentences, the better the possibility of a higher score. Separating each fact bit in a sentence helps you to meet the word requirement and also, show off the way that you use English in a written context. Which is what the examiner is looking for in every essay he grades.

Writing Feedback / Entertainment and sport or healthcare and education [2]

@thanhhoang12a7 your opening statement should represent the two points of view prior to the presentation of your opinion. That is because the prompt asks you to discussed the two points of view and then your opinion. So the outline of the discussion should be represented in the manner that the discussion requires. That said, your paragraph discussion it's rendered incomplete because you failed to present a public opinion regarding the importance of buildings and stadiums. The public opinion is important to present before your personal opinion because your opinion should support and enhance the readily available public information which will then allow you to present a stronger, if not winning opinion on the subject matter.

I would like to go back to your incomplete opening statement and call your attention to the concluding part of your essay. . Notice how you only have 2 sentences there? That means the paragraph development is incomplete so you will recieved marked down points because of that error. Each time you fail to present at least 3 sentences in a paragraph you will lower your chances for a higher final score.

Writing Feedback / The same educational opportunity should be given to both gender students [2]

Lung, you have developed a very interesting and highly appropriate discussion for the subject provided. Your lien of reasoning shows great analytical skill and offered you a good opportunity to show off your English language skills. Your sentence structure and grammar problems are evident in the essay but do not distract so much from the point you are trying to make. Which tells me that you are practicing your English skills outside of the classroom. You just need to be careful of the way that you frame your sentences and paragraphs. Each sentence should only represent one thought or idea. Any secondary ideas or thoughts need to be given its own highlight sentence. So the information about China and Africa need to be separated in the presentation. Additionally, your second line of reasoning must be given its own paragraph placement in order to allow you to fully develop the 5 sentence maximum requirement that would have give you the chance to further show off your sentence creation skills.

A clarification of your opening paragraph is required. Your paraphrasing of the prompt is a bit inadequate. This is evidenced by the short opening statement. You only have 2 sentences when you are required to have a minimum of 3 sentences in order to qualify it as a paragraph. The discussion could have been made clearer and offered a more prompt relevant paraphrasing had you first said, "Universities these days are being pressured into accepting an equal number of male and female students in all their courses. Though the same..." Do you see how I paraphrased the total prompt instruction by including the reference to the university requirement per course? That is an integral part of the introduction that you should not have omitted in your presentation.

The concluding statement also suffers from a lack of credibility because it inaccurately represents the closing argument, being only one sentence long. You have to develop a summary, restatement of the discussion, and a reference to your opinion as the closing line of this particular paragraph. That is how a proper concluding statement is developed.

Writing Feedback / People think that the best way to increase road safety is to increase the minimum age for driving. [4]

Bao, this is one of the most confusing essays I have read on this forum. Your opening statement identifies your stance o the matter but does not properly represent a thought or analytical process that helped you arrive at that conclusion towards the end of the paragraph. I believe that this is because you only wrote the essay but did not bother to proof read and edit the content before you submitted it. When you do not appropriately represent your discussion at the very beginning of the essay, you can already expect to get a very low score on the work that you did. If you review your opening statement, you will see that while you were being asked to agree or disagree with the statement, you did not provide a response along that line towards the end of your opening statement. Since you will be writing this essay under time constraint and without the aid of external internet sources, please keep your discussion to the more obvious and popular information for sharing in the essay. You are not expected to impress the examiner with the data you present. You must impress him with your ability to express yourself in the English language. Which is something that you did not do very well in this essay.

What are you arguing in the essay? You are not being asked to argue, you are being asked to defend the side that you support in the discussion. So you are to present only one side of the argument and then support that with evidence that proves your belief is the correct one. By the way, regarding your grammar structure, that is the biggest problem that you have with this essay. Please make sure that all of your sentences have complete thoughts and represent a properly developed thought process. One of your mistakes in this essay is as follows:


-There should be a period between "reckless" and "therefore" because those are already two different thoughts and as such, represent two different sentences.

You also cannot say


because "According to" means that the information is coming from a secondary instead of direct source. You could instead say "I believe that..."

Now, considering the major problems with your essay, specially in the relation to the misunderstood instructions, I believe that you cannot score higher than a 3 overall.

Writing Feedback / Quick world means quick decisions to make. [2]

Trung, considering that the essay proves that you are not well versed in the English language, you should not have used yourself as an example regarding the decision making prowess of your mother. Specially since the decision to make you study English is not something that she did quickly. She had time to think about her decision before actually doing it. The same goes for doctors. They need to study the case of their patients before making any decisions because they deal with life. When it comes to serious decisions, time is of the essence. When it comes to other things, such as whether you should buy the latest pair of shoes, the latest clothes, or eat a certain restaurant, those are the quickly made decisions that is being referred to in the essay and these should have been the examples you used to defend your stance. This is a trick question that tests your English comprehension and analytical skills. As such, you have proven that while you do understand the question, you did not analyze it regarding its applicability to various situations that truly ask for quick decisions. That said, without considering the flawed line of reasoning and only considering the discussion you presented, you would probably score a 3 with this essay. Most of the problems with your essay lie within your sentence structure and grammar usage. It is important that you do your best to create more fluid English sentences. Fluid sentences will work best for you in this case. Don't aim for the complex sentences yet as you are not yet at that point of English usage that will allow you to do that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task 1: The flow chart below shows the three stages of glass bottle recycling [3]

Leonardo, this essay will automatically fail in the test because you wrote only 145 words when the minimum requirement is 150 words. The reason your essay falls short of the word requirement is because your summary overview paragraph, also known as paragraph one is incomplete. It is comprised of only one sentence when each paragraph is expected to be composed of a minimum of 3 sentences. This requirement is imposed in order to allow you to better display your English writing abilities. Writing less than that shows an inability to understand English based instructions and also, implies a weak analytical skill on your part, which is a major requirement in an IELTS test - taker. I observed the same problems in your closing statement. Work on expanding your introduction and closing presentation in your future practice essays. While you can describe the process in a single paragraph, it would be beneficial to your score if you show a higher analytical skill by dividing the paragraph into 2. Divide the procedure presentation in such a manner that allows you to increase your lexical resource and grammar accuracy scores.

Writing Feedback / Issue Essay for GRE AWA section - technology and human skills [3]

Tosin, your opening statement, which was supposed to be a summary of the provided discussion did notnproperly accomplish the task. While it was a long paragraphthat provided your opinion, it should have also given an overview of the main discussion topic. That is why you cannot get a score higher than a 3 for the summary portion. Even with that flaw, the quality of your ideas can still score a 6 because of your strong, compelling position that used applicable examples throughout the essay. Your idea organization is also well represented and would most likely get a score of 6 as well. Sadly, your strong showing in the quality and organization portion did not continue into the writing style and grammar and usage areas. I don't think you can score more than a 4 in these sections due to sentence development and grammar​ usage problems. Your English sentence development is problematic because of the inconsistency in the sentence structure and development. Grammar inconsistencies affected your score in these portions. Regardless of the existing problems in your work though, I believe that you had a strong enoigh showing in this essay to prove your strong analytical abilities and reasoning skills. It is just the language presentation that requires more practice / work on your part. Try to develop a smoother and more fluent written English style. You don't need to present complex sentences. Just use simple​ but fluent in English sentences. That will increase your score better than improperly presented complex sentences.

Graduate / Education Plan for International Project Management Course [3]

Maruko, your essay said a lot of things in relation to your studies and yet still failed to properly respond to the prompt. Rather than wasting the first 2 paragraphs explaining what the problems are in Vietnam, you should be stating the topics that you look forward to learning about in relation to the problems in Vietnam. For example, if Vietnam has a problem in growing its economy, then courses in Economics will be of specific interest to you within the international project management course. Or, if Vietnam has a problem with project completions due to constant worker turnover, then maybe studies in employee management will be of interest and help to you when you return to Vietnam. Your final paragraph does well in responding to how you will be utilizing what you have learned upon your return to Vietnam but, it could use some specific planning on your part. Mention a specific company and how it is involved in the development of the country and why you believe that your studies, in collaboration with work in the company, will result in the realization of your career plans in relation to helping Vietnam grow as a country.

If possible, create a problem presentation at the beginning of the essay. From there, discuss which subjects you how to study that will aid you in developing solutions to the problem that will be specific to the situation in your home country. That way you show and actual application for the classes that you hope to study. That way you more than explain what skills and knowledge you need, which is more important than "want", to master because it has a direct relation to your work requirements and expectations.

Undergraduate / Immigrated to United States [3]

Felix, this is a very confusing essay. I am not even sure what the point of it is because you are trying to discuss at least 3 different topics in a single essay. Have you written this in response to a college application prompt requirement? If you did, I wish that you had included the prompt in your post so that I could give you more definite and applicable advice regarding your paper. As of now, what I can tell you is that the paper lacks focus, contains numerous grammar problems (Make up your mind between past and present tense, you can't use both in the same sentence or paragraph), and does not really compel the reader to be touched by your story or intrigue the reader enough to continue reading it. There is a need to improve your opening statement in order to create a stronger paper. Tell us the topic for discussion and the point of the discussion in the opening statement so that we can give proper attention and consideration to the points that relate to your purpose for writing this essay. You basically need to revise this essay for content. Give the essay a purpose and discuss that purpose within the paragraphs. Settle on a single topic, one that applies the most to the prompt requirement, and discuss that topic with as much justifications as you can. This essay is just so confusing that I doubt it can be useful for a college application essay purpose.

Writing Feedback / Chances do not make a major contribution to the triumph of anyone [5]

Tuan, one of the most common mistakes that students make when writing this essay is that they try to justify both sides of the discussion when only one side is required for the presentation. Note that the prompt instruction asks you "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" When you are given an "extent" option, that means you are being given the opportunity to discuss the essay from the point of view that you can best support. That has to be the point of view that you believe in the most. "Or" means you have to pick only one line of reasoning that applies to your personal belief or understanding of the prompt. With that consideration in mind, I would have to say that you did not do a very good job on this essay. Due to the mistaken prompt discussion, you cannot score higher than a 2 using this essay. That is because you misunderstood the prompt requirement in relation to the type of discussion you are to present to the examiner. I apologize for giving you such a low score but when you take the TOEFL test, your English comprehension skills are at the forefront of the exam considerations. When you do not not discuss the essay based upon the instructions given, you will not score well overall. Most specially since your final sentence in the essay talks about a person's "destiny", which is totally different from the discussion about "luck" that the prompt instructed.

Writing Feedback / Immigration has a major impact on the society. Main reasons of immigration and its consequences. [2]

Utsi, the way that you introduced the topic is exaggerated. You must only present a discussion that relates to the immediate past history of man, as it applies to the discussion. Bringing the discussion all the way back to the development of civilization was unwarranted. The discussion that you presented did not start from the first sighting of the Homo Erectus species of man so there was no need to go that far back. Simply indicating that man is nomadic in nature, without specifying a time frame would have been more beneficial to your opening statement. By the way, your opening statement is incomplete as it does not paraphrase the portion about the major impact of immigration upon society. The paraphrased introduction can definitely use more work. Make sure that all aspects of the prompt are properly represented in your introductory paragraph because this will be the basis of your upcoming discussion paragraphs.

We already know that the essay will be about the immigrant nature of man. There is no need to repeat that in the second paragraph. Avoid redundancies because the reviewer will count those are word fillers and it will not help increase your final score. Most importantly, discuss only one reason at a time in order to give yourself the opportunity to fully develop your discussion. There is no sense in presenting numerous reasons, as you do in this essay, when you cannot properly develop the defense for your lines of reasoning due to the paragraph and word requirement.

When you are asked to discuss "consequences", that automatically falls under the "negative" discussion. So saying that something has positive and negative effects is silly. It shows a lack of English vocabulary understanding on your part and will affect your lexical score. Simply use the same term as the prompt when indicating the start of the discussion. In this case the key term is "consequences". Mentioning one or two negatives that are related would be the perfect way to discuss this part.

Finally, your conclusion is lacking in impact and usefulness. It does not properly sum up the topic for discussion, provide a discussion overview, and a repetition of your consequences prior to the closing sentence. A proper conclusion wraps up in 5 sentences. Not a single sentence.

Research Papers / Sustainable Business Research based project [2]

Yes, the case studies already exist for sustainable business projects. You will normally find these case studies online using the keywords Sustainable Business Research or Sustainable Research Project. Since that is a very wide field of study, you will need to narrow it down to a particular topic, say "How hotels promote sustainable business". I base that suggestion upon how the world class hotels concentrate on creating environmentally friendly venues of business. You could ask your professor if he has a case study in mind for your reference also. Normally, the professors provide you with a suggestion or copy of the case study to serve as your reference for the completion of the assignment. Once you get a hold of a case study, you can look for the facts in line with the suggestions of your professor. This will aid you in writing your own case study because you will know how to format the research and present the information already.

Scholarship / Endeavour scholarship (Master in sustainable devlopment) [4]

Sachin, use the last paragraph as your opening statement instead. It establishes your current background in the field of Sustainable Development and will help you to explain the needs and necessities that you determine you need to have in order to create an impression or achieve a turning point in the programs related to the environment that directly relate to this field. As of now, I do not see a clear picture of where this program, once you complete it, can take you. There is no purpose for your study aside from simply wanting to prepare for a future PhD course. You need something deeper in this essay. Try to develop a clear program of study for yourself, in relation to your current career path. That means you need to answer the question "What problem do I hope to resolve by completing this course?" That is the purpose of the instruction that indicates "...what your program is intended to achieve,why you would like to undertake the program and how it is related to your prior experience and /or future career goals." You can basically respond to this essay in 2 completely developed and informative paragraphs. Just make sure to shed light on the purpose of your study in a summarized manner as you will be expected to discuss that on a deeper basis within the statement of purpose essay.

Writing Feedback / The Connection between Technology and Trafficking [2]

Ashley, what is the focal point of your research? You will need to clarify the thesis statement in your essay by developing a proper outline sentence in your opening statement. That paragraph does not make sense at the moment and does not really offer information about what you will be discussing in the research and why it is important that people try to change the contributing factors to human slavery. By the way, it is an academic no-no to present an in-text citation in your opening paragraph.

Your presentation of in-text citations are also faulty. What type of research format are you using? MLA? APA? Chicago? Please pick one writing style and then format your citations and paraphrasing in the proper manner in orde rto make the paper appear cleaner and make it easier to read for the professor.

Rather than using actual quotes, you could opt to paraphrase the quote instead. This will allow you to deliver a more personal understanding and opinion regarding the quotes. While professors appreciate the actual citations, they give more points when the student makes an extra effort in trying to present a new take on the given information.

As for the hook. Try to present an interesting anecdote or story of someone who survived human trafficking. Make sure to relate that person's experience with the target topic of your essay. That way you can seamlessly integrate the two and create an imaginative opening statement.

Writing Feedback / Australian teenagers and junk foods in their diet [4]

Dany, the summary statement at the start should have been combined with the second paragraph to make a more informative presentation. It is too short for an actual overview of the discussion. Rather than immediately creating a second paragraph, you should have developed a way to outline the information for presentation instead. Remember, if you have less than 3 sentences in any paragraph, then you don't have a complete paragraph. That means a mark down on the final score because you didn't fully utilize the word count to show off your skills in English. Most importantly, develop your analytical skills for presentation as your current skillset is very amateurish. I hope to see more improvement in your next presentation. Make sure to take note of all the facts and figures before you write the essay so that you can write longer and more informative sentences for the examiner's consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTs Task one: You live in a room in college which you share with another student. [4]

@Jimmy879873 Your letter is not properly formatted. The letter needs to follow the formal style of address, normally using the block format. Make sure to use a proper, if made up, address for the accommodation officer of the fictitious university. Just like all letters, you need to have a proper beginning, middle, and end to the presentation. Your discussion does not develop a proper presentation for your reasons to request for a room transfer. Try to focus the letter on the problem regarding the scheduling conflicts and the project that they are working on. You have the right idea in the essay. It just needs to be more properly developed by adding more compelling information to the letter. Towards the end, describe your ideal roommate and accommodations requirement and in order to explain why it would be beneficial for you to switch rooms at this point in the semester.

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The graph below shows the changing trend of the use of modern technology in homes in the UK [5]

@Tung Anh when you develop the opening statement, summarize the forthcoming discussion without offering actual information yet. Your current summary doesn't meet the required criteria so it doesn't help to increase your score. Try to offer longer, informative paragraphs by breaking up the information presentation into sentences within the paragraphs. Aim for at least 3, informative paragraphs in order to display your English abilities. Remember that you need at least 3 sentences to complete a paragraph. While this essay is informative, it has room for better information presentation and improvement. Work on developing better summaries and concluding statements. Analyze the information provided and try to find some information that may not be immediately obvious to present. That helps increase your grammar score.

Scholarship / Statement explaining how the scholarship will support your educational and career objectives [2]

Lilian, all I read about here are your skills and educational background. You have spoken of possible objectives for your country as well. Yet none of these tie in directly with the mission and objectives of the scholarship you are applying for. The only mention that you make of the scholarship is with regards to having them pay for your educational expenses. You failed to convince the committee that their scholarship expectations can be embodied by you as a student and future graduate sponsored by them. What of your future plans will reflect upon the image of the scholarship or depict some sort of promotion on your part of the scholarship that sponsored you? Integrate the scholarship program into your future plans instead. It should not be hard to do if you know what the scholarship stands for and why you chose to ask them to sponsor your studies.

Research Papers / Ocean's Pollution - Lesson 11 Essay RD--Need on all of it [2]

Cassandra, your thesis statement is not clear in the opening paragraph. There is a sense of disconnection between the title you chose for your research and the actual discussion being presented. Either change your title or change your thesis statement. This is of the utmost importance in your paper because the ocean life affected by pollution discussion in your essay, which is related to your title is less than a paragraph long and requires further discussion development. I'm also unclear about the need to discuss the ethos and pathos in the essay. How does it fit in the discussion and why is it important? Additionally, your in text citations are not properly formatted as you are using the Works Cited format for it instead of the more applicable parenthetical citations format. You need to adjust that as well. Overall, this is a work in progress that needs to improve on the aforementioned points in order to enter a usable draft stage.

Writing Feedback / How inhabitants in UK spent their time on separate types of telephone calls over a 7-year period [2]

Khoa, where is the chart for this analysis essay? I don't have anything to compare your written information to in terms of accuracy. Please remember to upload that with your next essay. In the meantime, writing only 152 words out of a 150 minimum will not help to increase your score. Try to write at least 200 words in completely developed paragraph forms. I noticed that you failed to present actual data, as provided in the chart. Since this is an analytical essay, you are expected to summarize the important data, that includes chart figures, in order to provide a factual summary of the report. Right now, the information you provide is incomplete and therefore, becomes questionable in content. Therefore, this is an insufficient summary that cannot score highly in an actual test. The increased word count, that could have helped your score, would have come from a complete data presentation in the summary based on the chart figures.

Writing Feedback / Essay IETLS task 2: Sponsor for national sport teams. Who should financially support the teams? [3]

Sri, in all honesty, the grammar problems and mistakes in your spelling are so severe in this essay that as an examiner, I found myself wishing that I could stop reading your essay and end my torture. Please make it a habit to double check your spelling and proof read your grammar for mistakes. Also, the term is trophy, not goblet. A while a trophy is sometimes called a goblet, due to the shape that is similar to a drinking glass, the official term is trophy. The word is spelled "automatic", without an H. These sorts of avoidable mistakes are what draws your score closer to failing instead of passing. I suggest that before you start writing these essays, that you practice writing simple English sentences​ properly first using online practice sites. You need to be able to write and develop sentences properly in order to enhance your chances at a higher score based on language proficiency. Right now, it is highly difficult to understand the thought process and message delivery in your essay. That doesn't bode well for your final exam score in this section.