Scholarship / How your training at Stanford will impact the economical growth of Africa? [4]

Awoga, your response to the prompt should be set aside for a more relevant topic for discussion. It does not relate in any manner to the provided discussion. The reviewer is expecting you to respond to the essay question by providing a specific response that deals with how well well you know the university and the programs for training that it provides in relation to your chosen major or masters course. So you need to do some research in relation to the question. Look for the specific training programs that the university offers that can have a direct relation to your job and the economic growth of your country. Perhaps look into some networking possibilities between you, your internship program, and the university itself, in order to prepare a better response to the question. Your current work is not answering the prompt in any related manner so you cannot use it to answer the question you were given. Take the time to full analyze the question and how you can best offer a response to it.

Research Papers / Breastfeeding: Maternal Benefits & Support.......Motivation to keep going! [3]

Jeanette, in the first paragraph, you mention that breastfeeding has caused a number of controversies over the past decades. However, you do not indicate what these controversies are. You must make mention of these discussion topics in the opening statement because a part of the research paper deals with the debunking of the breastfeeding debate topics. Without the indication of the debate reasons, the essay does not have a clear focus for discussion and also doesn't provide any basis for the research that you have indicated. Your research paper is basically very informative and well researched. The only drawback, is that the thesis statement is not well thought out and represented in the opening statement. If you can address that little problem with the research, then research paper will be ready to submit.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Task 1 - movie theater attendance by age group in Great Britain [3]

Tran, I wonder if you were not provided with the prompt description and requirements for the discussion regarding the graph. Normally, the statement overview requires a paraphrasing of the original instructions and topic for discussion, without the presentation of any actual facts and figures from the chart immediately. Since your essay did not follow this format, I am not sure if you accomplished that part of the task properly. Having said that, I will disregard the fact that I have some doubts about the first paragraph. Without that consideration, this essay can easily score a 7(in my opinion) because of the accuracy of your factual presentation and your English writing abilities, all considered. Your score would have been improved if you had used more full sentences instead of using connecting words such as "and" in the essay. Try to learn how to develop short but concise and informative sentences that do not rely on repetitive presentations and connecting words in order to show a higher level of English vocabulary and grammar abilities. Good job on this essay just the same. It is one of the best that I have read here.

Writing Feedback / Some believe that studying at university or college is the only, proper way to have a good career [2]

Nguyen, you almost got the opening paraphrasing of the instructions completely right. You made a mistake when you said that you come to a conclusion about the topic instead of saying that you were going to offer your personal opinion on the topic. The personal opinion is the instruction given by the original prompt and is what you should have presented towards the end of the essay. You are not expected to come to a conclusion, which translates into a decision about the topic provided because your role here is merely to inform the reader, not make a decision for them. So you your approach to the essay discussion is partly in error. As for your discussion proper, there are a few improvements that need to be made in your future essays since you made the mistakes in this essay.

You are given only a limited time with which you develop a draft and finalize your essay. Therefore, you must always concentrate on delivering the strongest possible argument for your discussion. As such, you should never present more than one, fully developed and discussed line of reasoning per paragraph. Delivering small reasons, such as you did in this essay, without allowing enough space for proper defense and development of the opinion results in a less informative essay. It is imperative that you present your strongest discussion, even if based only upon one fact. That is because it is not the number of reasons that are being counted here, but your ability to defend or oppose a given statement in a coherent and cohesive English based approach.

The conclusion is definitely faulty because you failed to present a personal opinion prior to the conclusion of the essay. Since the instructions are clear about you discussing two sides and then giving your personal opinion, you cannot claim that the whole essay is based upon your personal opinion. These are the major reasons that your final score has to be a low 4.

Research Papers / How are turbo-chargers more effective than superchargers? [2]

Eric, in reference to your second paragraph. Do not make any statement that already makes an indirect choice for the reader without first having presented enough information for the person to agree with you after his analysis of your research. The first sentence makes a statement of fact without any presentation of data so it should either be revised or totally removed from the paragraph. Now, I totally understand that deep research is required for this kind of paper. However, it seems that you have used too many in-text citations in the essay. It is important that you do not just cut and paste the information from other sources but rather, present your own understanding of the statement you wish to use and then refer to it as such. For example:

Baker (2010) suggests that it is better to use a manifold tank. While there is truth to his statement, Stanfield (3456) counters this belief because he is of the opinion that....

It is important that you use your own words in the essay when referring to quotes because that will limit the possibility of your paper being flagged for plagiarism due to the heavy volume of in-text citations that you have.

In paragraph one, you say that forced induction is more popular. However, if it is a complex process, then it will not be popular among car enthusiasts (not car culture). Change the term to "simplicity" instead of "complexity" because something "simple" will always be more popular than something "complex".

Research Papers / Causes and effects of child obesity - Rough Draft [2]

Analeza, your essay needs to be revised in order to meet specific requirements. Start with the introduction. There is no clear thesis statement provided regarding the research that you are about to present. Review what you have written and try to develop a clearer statement of the childhood obesity problem. There is no need for you to mention emaciation at all in the essay since that is not the focus of the research. In fact, that single sentence mention that you did ended up confusing the introduction because there was no follow up reference to emaciation within the rest of your research. Develop a clearer thesis presentation that indicates the following only:

1. Definition of childhood obesity, not obesity in general.
2. Reasons why childhood obesity is considered an epidemic in American society these days.
3. What the research you are conducting is going to focus on.
4. The reason why this will be the focus of your research.
5. What you hope to achieve through this research.

In reference to the information you will be presenting, kindly double check the format for this research paper and follow the proper guidelines regarding the presentation of in-text citations. You do not have any real form of academic referencing used in the paper, which can cause this paper to be marked as plagiarized by plagiarism checkers and your professor. Do not risk failing in this research just because of a technicality.

Your concluding statement needs to be only a wrap up of the results of your research. It should not be presenting the dire effects of obesity on children. So you need to write another sub-topic that actually presents all of that information. Do not do that in the conclusion. The conclusion should only show the final results of your research in a summarized form.

Focus totally on childhood obesity in your research. There is no need to constantly refer back to adults or rich people because the research doesn't involve them. Run a spell check on your paper for certain improperly spelled words and have a native English speaker read your research. Ask that friend to help you correct your grammar and sentence structure mistakes. I have spotted numerous problems in that area but I cannot mention those corrections here due to the sheer volume of mistakes. Also, you are going to be making major changes to the content of the research so it would be futile for me to ask you to correct information or sentences that will definitely be changed in the revision.

Writing Feedback / The attendance of Higher education students in the class [3]

Sriwidayani, the first problem of this essay is that you did not include the original prompt requirement in the presentation of the essay instructions. A provided title does not us what we need to know about the requirements of the topic you are being asked to discuss. It is important that you always attach the original instructions when you as us to review your essay.

The second problem with your essay has a lot to do with the first problem. The opening statement must always be a proper paraphrasing of the original prompt topic and required discussion instructions, prior to the presentation of your opinion. In this instance, your paraphrasing is not clear. It does not really tell the reader what the topic is about in an understandable manner and your outline for discussion is non-existent. So when you present your opinion to the reader, the question becomes "What is this person talking about?" These problems will result in a failing task accuracy score.

Your lexical resource should never include localized language such as "variatif". It is imperative that you use only accurate American or British English words (depending upon the kind of test you are taking). When you use localized (English) slang, the examiner will most likely not know what you are talking about and consider this a lexical error, which will result in deducted points based upon unfamiliarity with the English language.

When you speak of your friend Vera, make sure the capitalize her name as that is a proper noun. Your last sentence is incorrect because you used the term "keyword" which means one word that delivers the meaning of a sentence. In this sentence, you required a whole phrase to describe the subject of the sentence. So you should have said "Key words" or "Key Phrase" instead.

Writing Feedback / Which factor is important to stop the poverty and hunger in a country. [4]

Hi Linh, I think that you can easily score a 6 with this essay. I base that score upon the method by which you presented the paraphrased opening statement and the overall discussion presentation. You were able to develop acceptable discussions that, although sometimes flawed, produced some cohesive and coherent paragraphs in support of your statement. There are some notable mistakes in your evidence presentation though. One instance of faulty evidence is your use of the term "moral lesson". A moral lesson is not something that is taught in school. That lesson is learned through life experience. So a school education is not really something that should be related to such a reference. This is a minimal mistake that is made by those who are native English speakers. However, the sense of what you are trying to imply can be clearly seen so the reader was not stressed out in trying to understand what you are trying to say.

Your conclusion should have been presented in individual sentence forms instead of the continuous sentence presentation seen here. Remember, you need at least 3 sentences to qualify what you have written as a complete paragraph. Minimal mark downs will be made in the scoring for these types of simple mistakes.

The discussion overall is strong with some minimal faults in sentence development, evidence presentation, and grammar inaccuracies. At the same time, you have also shown marked development in your essay writing skills. So I am very proud of your accomplishments in that field. I hope to continuously monitor and see your writing improvements over the coming days. You are slowly becoming better prepared to take the test.

Writing Feedback / The controversial issue of whether the arts have to be governmental funded for flourishing or not [3]

Elsayed, you can only get a 3 in terms of the final score for your GRE essay because of a number of reasons. For starters, your discussion development needs to be improved. There are a number of instances when your presentation is not clear and does not solidly connect with the discussion prompt. This is the result of a lack of grammar control on your part. Due to the problematic sentence developments, your essay presentation is flawed and does not accurately represent an understandable line of reasoning in your presentation. This creates vague references in the essay which makes it difficult for the reader to analyze your paragraphs. While your essay has a strong voice of conviction, you need to take your time when writing your essay so you can be sure that you do not deliver improper thoughts or under developed thoughts. You also need to make sure that each paragraph you present has a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph in order to assure yourself that you have done your best when it comes to delivering a coherent and cohesive paragraph presentation. You have plenty of room for improvement in your essay. I am sure that these problems will be slowly addressed with your upcoming practice tests. I look forward to seeing your progress over the coming days.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree that different clothes influence the way people behave? [4]

Saman, one of the policies of the forum is that you must include the prompt statement in your posting so that your essay can be accurately reviewed for compliance with the prompt requirements. That is more for the benefit of the other users here who may wish to assist you in reviewing your essay and not the contributor because I am highly familiar with the various prompts for various English tests. That said, I am going to tell you what the faults of this essay are.

The first fault, is that there is no proper paraphrasing of the prompt statement. The first paragraph of a TOEFL test is meant to test your English comprehension skills. That is why you are required to deliver the topic for discussion in your own understanding. Simply relaying a Chinese proverb does not accomplish that task. You must always do your best to represent the original topic for discussion and the instructions for the discussion. You should not discuss the facts of your essay in the opening statement. The proper introduction for this would have been:

Some people believe that clothes dictate the way that a person behaves. Depending what a person a wearing, his clothes have the ability to influence the way that he conducts himself in a public setting. I strongly agree with this statement based on 3 well known and commonly accepted reasons. I will discuss these reasons below.

Your essay discussion is sound and acceptable. You have used accurate examples in the defense of your stance and offer the reader a chance to consider all of your reasons based upon the everyday applications and observations of the way people dress. There is a problem in your sentence development though. In paragraph 2 sentence 1, you created a hanging sentence. It does not have a complete though presentation because the end result of the thought you presented is unclear to the reader. Practice complete thought development at all times and review your essay sentences for coherence before submitting the essay for scoring.

The conclusion is also problematic because of the way you presented it. Since the required sentence presentation is always a minimum of 3 and a maximum of 5, you must always practice using full stops with a period instead of presenting a continuous thought process with the use commas and semicolons.

Even with these pre-existing mistakes in your essay, it will still probably get a decent score of 4 at the most, 3 at the least.

Writing Feedback / Causes of agricultural land productivity including three areas in 1990s. IELTS task 1 [5]

Feti, it is unfortunate that even without the chart that you were provided with for the essay, your formatting and presentation is so inadequate that it cannot score any more than a 4. This is a score that I based upon your immediate presentation of information and problems regarding discussion formats and information dissemination to the reader. For starters, your opening summary is totally unacceptable because you did not really inform the reader about the overview information from the chart. That should have included the topic for discussion, type of chart presented, summarized comparison points, and any other important overview information that could have comprised the discussion outline.

Your actual paragraph discussion is in need of proper formatting because you discussed more than one topic in a single paragraph. You need to learn how to decipher the discussion topics so that you can group the related information together and then use the grouping for the paragraph presentations. You have to also learn to use a full stop in the paragraphs instead of comma's because a full stop will help you meet the required sentence count per paragraph. As opposed to a comma which only creates a pause in the reading.

In the concluding statement, try to come up with some additional analytical information that you might have missed in the essay for presentation. Do it in such a manner that will allow you to create at least 3 sentences in conclusion of the essay. Right now, the conclusion that you developed does not really do a good job of closing the discussion.

Some final reminders:
1. This essay must have at least 150 words distributed among (at least) 3 - 5 (maximum) paragraphs.
2. A discussion outline will help increase your TA score in the opening paraphrase.
3. The conclusion should help to wrap up the discussion in the 3 sentence minimum manner. It should never be a single sentence alone.

Writing Feedback / The cities are becoming busier, the traffic jams are more often.. [2]

Hailung, your essay does its best to represent two possible and doable solutions in terms of resolving the traffic congestion in major cities. That is good because the effect of the 2 lines of reasoning pushes your lexical resource and grammar accuracy score up. However, the limited paraphrasing of the given prompt reduces your task accuracy ability. A lengthened opening presentation that accurately represented the outline of your discussion would have helped to increase your TA and GRA scores. While the English grammar used is not smooth or fluent, the English terms that you used showed that you tried to increase your lexical resource with the use of complex words. However, run on sentences still exist in the essay and prevent you from creating a proper and fluid discussion paragraph. You have to learn how to divide your sentences into two during instances when you wish to discuss two connected thoughts in the same sentence. Your concluding paragraph is very ineffective in the sense that it does not properly wrap up the essay discussion through a restated prompt, summary of your offered solutions, and closing sentence. The closing sentence must not provide any new ideas in relation to the original prompt requirement. Your conclusion presented was a shortcut of the expected prompt concluding statement. Being only one sentence long, it doesn't really help to increase your score in any aspect of the 4 scoring criteria. All things considered though, you developed a pretty good discussion of the prompt requirement and could very well score at least a 6 with this practice test.

Scholarship / How studying media and communication contributes to my career [2]

Katya, try to show a familiarity with the program that you are applying for in reference to your career. The method by which the study can contribute to your career ties in directly with the classes that are involved in the study of this course. The discussion will require you to infer both your strong and weak points as a media practitioner. So start with your strengths in terms of your profession and how these will be further enhanced by your study. You show some semblances of that in this essay. However, it should not be the focal point of the essay. As a student, you are expected to have some weak points that the program of learning should help you address by either improving your skills in that area or, imparting new knowledge that can help you to further increase your professional capacity. Basically, you need to expand upon the information that currently exists in this essay in order to create a better understanding of how these studies will contribute directly to the development of your career. The essay that you wrote is acceptable but can use further development. Hopefully, you will be able to use my advice in further increasing the reflective side of your presentation. Remember, further develop your strong points as indicated in this essay but also give ample attention to to addressing the weak side of your professional career because that is always the main reason why one opts to enroll in additional studies related to your current job. That will help show the method by which your studies will help to improve your career.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 in ielts about the table of poverty people in Australia in 1999. [3]

Nguyen, we require that all students seeking IELTS Writing Task 1 advice upload the image along with the essay for our consideration. The image will help in judging whether you met the prompt requirements or not. In this instance, I can only assume that you followed the prompt requirements. Since the chart is not included in this essay, I will not be able to give you a score for this work. I am limited to only one free advice per thread. What I can tell you though, is that the overall format of your essay is wrong.

While you did meet the 150 minimum word requirement, you did not properly present the overview statement. The overview statement needs to include, the topic for discussion, the type of chart presented, additional instructions and comparison points, and a proper thesis statement at the end to conclude the summary of information. There must also be a space between paragraphs in order to signify new discussions. Don't forget to use the proper transition words or sentences in your essay. You did not really transition your paragraphs very well in this practice test.

The second and third paragraphs of your essay seem informative enough. Again, the chart is required for further analysis of the information that you wrote and an observation regarding the mechanical presentation of the information. With that said, the concluding paragraph once again failed to meet the format requirement of at least 3 sentences per paragraph. The concluding statement should have wrapped up the information you provided in a manner that further educates the reader. Since the essay failed to deliver on 2 counts, I can safely say that you will be scored down for those errors and receive a lower than possible score in the end.

Scholarship / Short essay on "Why I want to study abroad and what makes me a good candidate" - in English. [4]

Aya, even though you were not given a prompt to respond to with your short essay, it is up to you to give your essay a direction, a focus so to speak, that will help the reviewer understand where your desire to study in Germany comes from. Consider a number of factors before you create a new draft for your essay. The factors to consider are:

1. What is your college major? If you are a high school student, explain why you desire to study in Germany.
2. What is the relation of your college major to a German study path? (Skip if you are a high school student.)
3. What advances in this field have occurred in Germany that inspired you to study there? (Skip if you are a high school student).
4. What do you hope to achieve through your studies in Germany?
5. What is your level of German language proficiency? Do you feel that you know enough German to be able to successfully study, interact, and immerse yourself in the culture?

6. Why did you choose to attend (university name)?
7. What kind of social development do you hope to have during this exchange experience?
8. What kind of personality and character traits can you offer your German host family, friends, and classmates during this exchange program?

Using the 8 guide questions above, you should be able to create a more informative personal short essay for this application. Try to keep it within 300 words since this is a "short" essay. Consider using our "Urgent" thread for additional reviews of your revised essay from me. I can only give you one free advice for this question so, if you want more help from me, you will need to list this essay as "Urgent" with our forum moderators.

Writing Feedback / Energy Production Chart In America [4]

Truong, there is a specific format that has to be followed when writing a summary essay for a lecturer. The tone needs to be more academic in nature and also, provides a respectful deference towards the target reader. Therefore, the opening sentence for this essay should have sounded something like this:

America consumes energy coming from 5 different sources. In order to better understand the method by which the country consumes power, one must first analyze the amount of energy consumed per resource. This essay shall shed light on the five sources of power, making percentage comparisons where necessary for energy consumed during the decades of 1980 and 1990 using 2 previously provided pie charts.

Note, the academic research tone of the opening statement. Since this paper is to be presented to a university lecturer, a clear thesis statement and outline of discussion, plus the preliminary sources of information must be provided. Consider this sort of a thesis statement presentation. The academic tone must be consistent throughout the essay and also, clearly discuss the sources of energy in a chronological manner, either from biggest to smallest or smallest to biggest. The comparisons are necessary whenever the gap between uses of the same energy source is up to one percent in difference.

Now, based upon the example given above, I am sure that you noticed the shortcoming of your summary statement. Make sure to pattern your future writing, regardless of the target audience, after the example above. The lecturer reader should be assumed in all of your writing in order to create a stronger summary statement every time. The same goes for your concluding sentence. It is short of the 3 sentence minimum requirement. Always do your best to accurately divide the discussion topics so that you will not be left short of the required sentence count towards the end of the essay.

The tone of your essay is also highly mechanical in nature. It is obvious that you only wanted to present the information provided, you did not want to delve deeper and give a more detailed analysis of the charts even though the opportunity to do so existed. I hate to say this but for every short cut you took and every mechanical detail you presented, I had to mark down your essay. The marking down reached the point where the overall score of your essay was reduced to a 5. The strongest reason for the markdown was the mechanical nature of your presentation and lack of presentation development when it came to the provided data.

Writing Feedback / Both views betweeen having an enjoyable life and making a lot of money [2]

Agus, the essay cannot receive a score higher than a 4 due to the missing elements of the prompt requirement in your response essay. The prompt requirement is clear, you are supposed to accurately discuss both sides, as provided in the topic statement, and then, present your personal opinion regarding the subject being discussed. Your essay did not follow this format. What I saw in your essay was that you failed to signify that you would be discussing your personal point of view by implying what your point of view is in the opening statement. Don't forget that the opening statement needs to have the following elements:

1. The paraphrased topic for discussion;
2. The two sides of the discussion, also paraphrased;
3. Your personal opinion for discussion.

Given the fact that you are expected to present a 5 paragraph essay, covering the paraphrasing, individual discussion of each side (one paragraph each), and your personal opinion, prior to the presentation of the conclusion, it will appear that your essay fell short of the expected discussion. Therefore, your task accuracy score was severely pulled down.

There are also the grammar problems in the your essay such as the incoherent first sentence. Instead of saying "incoming", the proper term would have been "income". Income means money received while incoming means something that is arriving or coming in. Such a lexical resource mistake also resulted in more points deducted from your overall score.

So, aside from the mistaken discussion presentation, the use of "and" along with "etc." in a single sentence also created a lower grammar accuracy score for you. This is an academic essay so you should never use the word "and" along with "etc." in a single sentence. That is academically improper. Always write complete thoughts in order to keep the reader properly informed. Etc. means "and so on and so forth", which is an academically acceptable term. That is more suited towards casual writing.

I hope that you can avoid this mistakes in your next essays. Be aware of the mistakes that you made in this essay and make sure that you do not repeat the mistakes in your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / Process of producing tealeaves [2]

Andi, when you write the overview in relation to a list of types, such as in the case of the tea, you should inform the reader, as part of the overview, regarding the types of tea produced. That will be part of the overview information outline that will form part of the outline discussion for the body of the essay. Since there are other steps involved in the creation of the teas, it is important to enumerate the tea types at first in order to better hold on to the attention of the reader who may not be very interested in what you have to write about but will then be interested if there is a tea type that he wants to learn more about through your summary essay.

As you can probably tell from simply glancing at the essay, your second paragraph is lacking in terms of sentence requirements. That is because you did not divide the essay discussion properly. A portion of the third paragraph, which now turns out to be too long, should have been a part of the second paragraph instead. The division of the topic discussion should have come at the point that starts with "On the other hand" since that phrase indicates a transition to a different topic, hence a new paragraph. Remember, the rule is one topic per paragraph.

Based upon these reasons, your 193 word count, which is more than the minimum of 150, had to be scored down to a 5 at the most. I hope that you can show improvement with your next practice essay using the above recommendations. I look forward to reading your improved work in the future.

Writing Feedback / Two maps show an island before and after development - IELTS TASK 1 [3]

Nataliia, the summary overview of your essay needs to be at least 3 sentences long. So instead of the single sentence that you have at the very beginning, you should have combined it with the next paragraph in order to create a proper overview of the information you were provided. The overview that you could have created would have been a perfect explanation of the illustration you were provided with. When writing this kind of summary, there is no need for you to present it in the first person as there is no required discussion coming from your end. No person references are necessary in this instance, only a reference to the illustrations. That said, the best reference for the discussion in the essay would have been, per paragraph "In the first map..." Rather than saying "I will focus..." Do not use the reference "them" in this essay because that refers to a direct or indirect object, usually referring to a group of people. In this case, you are using the term to refer to inanimate objects such as buildings, trees, and the like. These do not have genders and are not considered people, so the correct reference would have been to use the descriptive term directly. An example of this would be" ... After the footpath, the reception..." or "... One of these..." While you did write 180 plus words, the improper grammar development takes away from the interesting presentation that you have for the essay. I advise you to work on your connecting words and pronoun usage knowledge. Learn how to properly refer to inanimate objects in an essay. Overall though, you did a good job of describing the map illustrations. However, due to the existing problems of the essay, I think you can only score as high as a 6.

Undergraduate / The reason why I keep running [3]

Huxiaolan, this is a pretty impressive essay. I do not see any indication that this paper should have been written as a research paper so, for something that is based upon your personal experience and your basic knowledge of the benefits related to running, this is a very well developed personal essay. You had a few grammatical problems such as "heath" instead of "health". Overall though, you managed to produce a very informative essay that truly advocates the positive effects of running on a mental and social level. You obviously love to run and it shows in the way that you have a familiarity with the health benefits of the activity. The comparison with the gym memberships could have used more development. That did not have any negative effect on your written work though as the essay is easily understandable and doesn't stress out the reader when it comes to reading your somewhat problematic grammar, which is incidental in the essay. Good work. Keep on writing like this and I am sure you will become more proficient in writing these types of essays in no time. Your grammar has room for improvement and I know that you will continue to develop that as you progress with your writing exercises. You have the potential to be an acceptable English writer. Good job!.

Writing Feedback / The line graph show the consumption of 3 spreads from 1981 to 2007 - TASK 1 IELTS [3]

Ky, I am not going to score your essay at this point because it will not get a passing grade. I would like you to improve upon the problem parts of your essay first because it is obvious that, as your first post, you did not follow the suggested writing format for this task 1 essay. It would be unfair of me to fail you in this essay since you obviously lacked guidance in writing it.

For starters, a Task 1 IELTS essay is supposed to have a minimum of 150 words, spread between 3-5 paragraphs. That means, each paragraph should contain anywhere from 3-5 sentences each. Your essay falls short of this mandatory format. Work on developing the required format in order to gain a chance at a higher task accuracy score.

Now, since the essay needs to have at least 3 paragraphs in order to be considered a full essay, you will need to know how to develop each of the paragraphs in order to meet the required informative summary presentation. This is simple enough to do, provided you understand the graph that you were provided with.

First up, in the opening statement, summarize the instructions that you were provided in the graph and offer a discussion outline. In this case, you could have said:

The line graph provided compares the number of grams that people consume per type of sandwich spread. The three types of spreads to be compared are Margarine, Low fat & reduced spreads, and butter. The comparisons are done using a 6 year gap per year starting in 1991 and ending in 2007.

At that point, you may compare the graph lines as you deem fit. Whatever style you use to discuss the second paragraph, just make sure that you complete your presentation in 5 sentences because that is the maximum sentence requirement.

When you conclude the essay, you can just summarize the information you were provided by repeating what you feel is the most important information in the graph. Or, you can do comparisons of the points where information overlaps for some of the years and spread types.

This is the pretty much standard format that you should always write your Task 1 essays in. Practice using this format in your upcoming practice tests and you should receive some pretty good scores. So the standards for you to remember are:

1. Write at least 150 words in the completed essay.
2. Write at least 3 sentences, maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph.
3. Write at least 3 paragraphs for your presentation.

The work that you did in this essay is good but does not follow the required format. That will result in severely lowered scores. I do not think that this essay will get a passing score so I will not score this one. I'll give you a pass since this is your first ever attempt at writing this sort of essay.

Writing Feedback / Driver's license - should or should not? [3]

Tran, I think it will be best if I show you the scores you might get, per individual consideration for your writing so that you can effectively develop the problem points in order to ensure a higher score in the actual test. By giving you individual scores, you will be able to focus on developing your weak points in the upcoming practice tests. Let's start with your mastery level.

Your mastery level should be around a 4. This score is based upon the way that you were able to present an argumentative essay using proper points, discussion considerations, and examples. For the ideas and analysis portion, you could score anywhere between a 4 and 5. The possible score is based upon paragraph 3 of your essay which truly discusses the reasons and considerations given for the C grade before being given a driver's license. I would like to advise you to divide paragraphs such as that into 2 though. The length of the paragraph showed that you discussed 2 points of view already. It is always best to separate the thought discussions so that the reader will be able to properly analyze the content you have written.

Development and Support would be a 4. Your score in this section was the result of your clear explanation and use of examples in your essay to support your argument. Due to the number of reasons and supporting facts though, the essay tends to run too long and become too complicated. Try to keep the essay simple by providing only one strong argument in support of your reason. Multiple reasons tend to blur the discussion process.

Your organization skills can garner you a score of 5 because you were able to create a chronological discussion for your essay. You had a focused discussion throughout your essay. However, your transitioning from one paragraph or discussion to another needs more work. Finally, for language use, you get a 4. Try to improve on your sentence structure and grammar use. Be more precise with the complex words that you opt to use. There are some words such as "overturesome" that do not make sense because you made up the word. Make sure you only use words that exist in the dictionary and are also easily understandable by the reader. Do not use profession specific words or words that only you know the meaning to because you made it up on the fly. While you are not scored for mistakes, you are scored on the accuracy of word usage.

Writing Feedback / Main Reason for Studying Based on Age [2]

Andi, how many times have I told you that one of the most important considerations in this summary essay writing is the data itself that is presented in the original charts? Every age group, every percentage point, every piece of information given in the chart must be reflected in words, not assumptions as you are so prone to do. If the figures show actual ages, then say the actual age group, do not say "as they progress in age" because that is not what is in the chart. This leads to an uninformed essay being written because you always choose to not use the actual figures and information in your essay. The reader will not come away are duly informed after reading your paper because you fill their head with figures and assumptions instead of facts and figures. The latter being the expected information in a summary essay. Due to the problems that were created by the lack of accurate use of information from the charts, your essay needs to be scored down. That is, even though you wrote a pretty good essay in terms of grammar. So the final score for this essay, in my opinion, cannot be any higher than a 4.

Writing Feedback / Many people think modern communication technology is having some negative effects on social relation [3]

Nguyen, the ability that you showed in writing this essay will no doubt garner you the highest possible score of 7. That is because you showed a clear understanding of the prompt, provided ample examples based upon personal experience and knowledge, and limited the mistakes in your grammar structure to the most minimal of errors. There was no stress at all for the me, as the reader, as I perused your work. Your paragraphs are understandable and your effort to use complex sentences int he proper manner is evident. Good work with this essay. If you keep this kind of work consistent in all your practice tests, I do not doubt that you will pass the actual test. A word of advice though, try to make your conclusion stronger by simply wrapping up the previous details in the presentation. There is no need to hurriedly discuss other explanations or opinions that you have in the conclusion. That part is meant only to deliver a summarized discussion of your previous and important discussion points. Basically, you paraphrased the prompt at the start and then you paraphrase yourself at the end. That is how these types of essays are best written.

Writing Feedback / Donating Fixed Amount of Income [2]

Lizara, when you are asked to discuss how far you share a point of view, your opening statement should indicate that prompt requirement by saying exactly that. By indicating that "I share this point of view to a certain extent", you allow yourself the freedom to discuss the pro and con side of the provided discussion. Within the essay that you wrote, I sensed the degree of your agreement with the statement. However, the essay does not ask you to totally agree with the given discussion. You should have also discussed why you don't agree with the statement, to a certain level, as well. That way, you deliver a balanced and informative discussion to the reader while allowing the reader to develop his own opinion without too much influence from your personal point of view.

Offering a personal opinion rather than the explanation of the public opinion in paragraph 3 would have been best in representing the disagreement that you have with the statement. After all, the essay is not asking you to discuss the public opinions and then your personal opinion. You were being requested to present your personal outlook alone as the agreeing and disagreeing factors in the essay. Further development of the personal opinion that you presented in that part of the essay was necessary.

Another problem with the essay is the way that you do not take ownership of the statements provided. The first person pronoun was badly needed in the essay. Rather than saying "we", it should have been "I" because the essay requires your personal point of view throughout the essay. Make sure to use the correct pronoun in the essay because that will not only show English comprehension skills, but also add to the authoritative voice of the essay as you wrote it. The prompt is asking you to represent yourself in written form based upon the instructions so your active voice must be used whenever possible in the development of the essay arguments.

With regards to your formatting, please remember that there is a 3 sentence minimum requirement for your paragraphs. Of the 4 paragraphs you wrote, only one paragraph, the second one, adheres to this prompt requirement. By limiting the sentences that you presented in the other paragraphs, you also limited the possibility that you might get a higher final score based upon your lexical resource and grammar accuracy considerations. Having said that, I believe that the most accurate score for this type of essay from you would be a 4. It would have gone up to a 5 if you had properly discussed the length of your agreement and opposition to the point of view as well.

Writing Feedback / Cheerleading Is a Sport - 7th grade essay worth 20% of my grade [2]

Ayeshah, when you write a debate paper, you cannot just write the reasons that justify your claim. You must also present the opposing ideas and offer the reasons as to why their classrooms are wrong. Don't base the opposition on the obvious alone. Think of reasons that can be found to attack your reasoning. Expect the possible questions and immediately cut their possible opposition by informing the listeners about those possible questions through your expanded discussions. Have someone read what you have written and ask that person if he has any questions about cheerleading being a sport after reading your debate essay. Based upon the questions and reactions of that person, improve the content of your debate information. Bear in mind that a strong debate stance is one that doesn't allow the opposition a chance to proceed with their own debate because you preempted their discussion already. .

Writing Feedback / The line chart illustrates the number of viewers for channel one news during 12 months. [3]

Syiamsiah, the best way to have analyzed this line graph would have been on a quarterly treating basis. By grouping the time slots with similar audience viewership numbers, a more accurate comparison would have been reached. Note that the ratings information was provided on a monthly basis so the similarities and over lapping viewer information for various slots could have been better represented as well. As such, you would've offered the reader a better assessment of the time to watch the news. You should've also led into the second paragraph with information regarding the launch of the 11 p.m. news broadcast in order to create a more chronological representation of the time slots. Given the time frame with which you have to analyze the graph, draft the essay and proof read your work, at least 10 minutes should be allotted for the first half of the task. The finalization should come only after you are sure that you have completely represented all of the possibly required information in the essay. Be proud in the knowledge that even though the essay has room for improvement, your work can score around a 5 at the most.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - Punishments for environmentally unfriendly acts [2]

Tan, I don't know how to say this without hurting your feelings but, you have failed to properly discuss the prompt as per the topic given and the instructions provided. Therefore, there is no other score left for this essay except a 3. It seems you missed the keywords that indicated how the topic is to be addressed in the essay. The key terms were "Agree or Disagree" and "Give examples". The topic for the essay is "punishment and fines for environmentally unfriendly acts committed by individuals need to be more severe." None of these terms or instructions were addressed in your prompt paraphrasing and your succeeding discussion did not even come close to presenting the prompt discussion instruction. What you did was discuss a prompt that you made up, based upon what you understood of the original instructions. Unfortunately, your English comprehension skills failed you this time as you did not really understand what the topic was all about. Which is why you ended up discussing something totally different in the essay that you wrote. Nowhere in the essay did you even touch on the topic of a fining system in order to help prevent environmentally unfriendly acts. Neither did you agree or disagree with the statement, as required, in the opening statement. Overall, the essay was bound to fail because of your lack of thorough understanding of the prompt instructions and topic for discussion.

Writing Feedback / The information about the average viewers number of daily program Channel One News [2]

Reza, the information that you provide in the summary is incomplete. The line graph information indicates the start of the 11 pm broadcast as being May 1 and yet you failed to mention such an important piece of information in the essay. There was also no need to group the viewing times into 2 because the essay called for each time slot to be discussed individually, as pairs, or as a group that had overlapping figures. The information that you provide in the essay is reliant only on the immediate facts presented. There is a lack of closer investigation and analysis regarding the viewership information per time slot. You cannot present selective figures in the essay when each time slot had clear viewership number presented per month. These mistakes have created an inaccurate information presentation in the essay. the reader cannot accurately assess the information you are providing due to the lacking information in your essay. It was necessary for you to always quote the month, time, and number of viewers for the news programs of the station. The information would have created an idea as to the effectiveness of the newscast and the interest of the viewers in the program. Due to the mechanical presentation of the obvious information and lack of analysis of the viewership numbers per month, the essay will possibly only score as high as a 5.

Writing Feedback / City life is complicated or comfortable [2]

Rodiah, the essay clearly states that you are supposed to discuss both public views before your discuss your personal opinion in the essay. There is no indication in your essay of a discussion of both opinions prior to your point of view. That is because you did not properly restate the prompt topic and instructions in your opening statement. Considering that there are a few missing sentences in your opening statement, it is clear that you either forgot the instructions, so it did not reflect in the essay paraphrased statement or, you did not understand the instructions. Since the essay did not represent the prompt requirements in the discussion, as you only discussed one part of the essay requirements, the score for your essay will not be higher than a 4. If you wish to score higher than this in your next practice test, make sure that you properly assess the prompt requirements and then develop the discussion properly in your essay. Do not bother to rewrite this essay for this prompt. Once you have been scored, that grade is final. You do not get to repeat the IELTS test so you don't get to repeat your practice essays either. This is a real time assessment of your work and the score is final. By the way, the essay has some misspellings and also problems with grammar development. While the grammar is not very good, there are allowances given for that in the scoring system. As long as you are understood by the reader, then your score in that aspect could be passing. It is problem with the prompt requirement and subsequent discussion that really pulled down your score.

Essays / How to write Ecology, Environment and Territory proposal? [3]

The mobility program can be considered, in some instances, to be a student work permit exclusive to the Erasmus Mundus scholars. It is a limited scope work permit that allows the student to work in a field, in a small capacity, that is related to your masters studies. This is the practicum part of your studies that will allow you to have actual work experience and non-classroom based learning in relation to your profession. The program you participate in should help you to further improve upon your academic learning and theoretical understanding gained from your masters courses.

Before you write your essay, you must first consider finding a company in your host country that have Erasmus Mundus contacts and would allow you to work there in line with the mobility program. Based upon the classes you will be taking and the additional training that you hope to gain during this time as a masters student, you should pick the company you will train with and then explain the skills that you hope to develop there in relation to your studies and profession.

Think of it as a physical thesis presentation. Rather than doing research, you will be physically involved in learning how to solve certain problems related to ecology, the environment, and other things. It is the opportunity to learn from the professionals in the field and dig deeper into the background or possible solutions to problems that ail the environment. This is a learning experience far beyond what you can learn in the classroom or through your masters thesis.

A mobility program of this scope will allow you become a well rounded professional who has a balanced academic and practical learning gleaned from your time as a masters student. So think of the company that can best serve your learning interests, plan how you might be able to get the most out of this physical experience, then write your essay based upon those theories and ideas.

Writing Feedback / Each roles are significant - who should teach kids how to be good members of the society? IELTS W2 [4]

Arlen, since the prompt instructions indicate that you have to discuss both sides of the issue and then offer your opinion, using examples from your life or popular information, I can accurately say that your essay did not meet the specific prompt requirements. You have turned the essay into a personal opinion paper alone, showing a disregard or misunderstanding of the prompt requirements. I am not sure if you just forgot the discussion format or you really did not understand what was expected of your essay. Whatever the reason, the grade for this essay will be a 3. Once you fail in the task accuracy portion, specifically because you did not properly present your response in accordance with the requirements, there is no way that your essay, regardless of how well written it is, can pass the test. Miss out on one or two instructions and your essay becomes a totally different discussion from the original. So you cannot be given a passing score in that instance.

Scholarship / Working in an union business - my scholarship proofreading [3]

Duvuldil, before you can convince a person to join the union, you must first explain to him the history of the union and workers rights.By showing the historical importance of being a union member, in relation to his current employment woes and other situations related to how he is treated as a worker, you can better convince him that joining the union has benefits. This is one instance where telling a person what the benefits of joining would be for him is not as convincing as showing him how he can benefit from it. In my opinion, you just need to revise the first half of this essay in order to portray the historical importance of the union. The most effective part of this essay will be the latter part where you explain to him how the union is helping you in securing your rights as an employee at the grocery store. By appealing to his sense of empathy, through your own experiences with the union, you will have a better chance of convincing him to join the union than you do using this particular version of the essay.

Persuading a person sometimes requires a lighter touch than a loud talking to. Using relevant examples, personal experiences that a person can identify with, a greater convincing opportunity is achieved. So tell the reviewer that you will use a historical perspective, a personal experience, and appeal to the sense of empathy on the side of the person that you hope you can convince to join the union. Those are some methods that you can use to convince a person to join a union.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Why go to university? It is important for our future. [3]

Dao, in proper written grammar, you cannot use the words "Because" and "But" to start a sentence because it is a word that is used to connect two separate ideas in one sentence. It is a connecting word and as such, should never be placed at the start of a sentence since there are no words or thoughts to connect to one another in that instance. You must also avoid using ellipses, the 3 successive periods, in an academic essay. The ellipses are best used in creative writing in order to signify connected thoughts in an imaginative manner. This is an academic essay. Therefore, the writing must always be straightforward and as informative as possible. Although there are some major grammatical problems in your essay, the fact remains that the reasoning you wrote, specially the one based upon your friend's experience, has helped the essay discussion become informative and authoritative. It showed that you have a thorough understanding of the English prompt and how it is to be discussed. So I can safely say that you did a good job in developing this essay, even though thee are some grammar problems located within the essay. It did not take the focus of the reader away from the prompt discussion, even as it sometimes caused stress for the reader.

Writing Feedback / Smartphone today - how to live without them? [5]

Nguyen, you missed out on representing the most important aspect of the prompt. That is, the part of the prompt that asks for your opinion on the topic. Your personal opinion is (required) to be presented as part of the opening statement, along with the paraphrased prompt. Without a significant ownership of the opinion to be presented in the essay, the reader, will not be aware of the type of essay that you have written for his review. The concluding paragraph is flawed because you started a sentence with the word "And" which is actually a connecting word. So without a prior thought to connect to the sentence, you have a grammatically inaccurate sentence in that paragraph. Though your line of reasoning is good and is representative of the prompt requirements, the fact that you made some serious errors at the start and end of the essay has left me with the opinion that your score in this case will fall somewhere between a 4 or 5, based upon the more detailed requirements of the examiner.

Writing Feedback / Inner city traffic congestion is still a serious problem in many cities. IELTS writing task 2. [3]

Lee, the overall score for this essay will be a 5. There are a number of considerations that led to that score. One of the major considerations is that your English grammar is so weak at this point, that the reader cannot easily understand what you are trying to say. Even after a few repeat readings, the reader can only try to guess at the meaning of your sentence or paragraph. Your sentences do not really carry a coherent theme and the chronological presentation of your information isn't really as solid as it could be in the presentation. I also had to score you down because of the inaccurate prompt paraphrasing. You included information in the opening statement that was not included in the original prompt. This resulted in your essay containing inaccurate information and thus, misinforms the reader to a certain extent. It is because of these mistakes that I feel your essay cannot score higher than a 5.

Writing Feedback / Population in U.S state of Oregon - three counties over sixty years timeline [2]

Hermin, in order to create a proper overview summary of the line graph you were provided, you need to make sure that you summarize the points for discussion in it. The first step, would be to inform the reader about the names of the 3 states that are involved in the study. The next, would be the type of chart you are being asked to discuss, and finally, the type of information that you will be presenting. Your paragraphs tend to fall under the 3 sentence minimum requirement. In this essay, your last paragraph is too long. It could have been better formatted if you used some of the information in that paragraph in the previous one. I noticed that you did not use any of the actual figures that were indicated in the line graph. You also did not mention all of the years as indicated in the illustration. These summary essays need to be very precise in the presentation of information. That means that you need to use all of the references, specially the numerical references if you are to properly inform the reader regarding the prompt requirements. So, considering these problems with your essay, I think that you can expect to score no more than a 4.

Research Papers / How to write a Draft Research Paper on Cyber Security and Privacy Issues? [3]

Yvonne, you have enough information in this paper to consider it a draft. The problem, is that you gathered and collated your information for the paper before you created your thesis statement. The introduction paragraph doesn't really prepare me for the discussion that is to come. There is no clear reference to what the topic for discussion actually is. While your title says that the paper is all about Cyber Security and Privacy, you do not have a thesis statement that supports that. A properly drafted research paper will contain a backgrounder on the topic for discussion. Information included in the background should help the reader understand the question you are posing, the reason why you feel that this topic is something of importance to research, and what you hope to accomplish upon the completion of the paper. Right now, what you have written is the middle part of the essay, not the first part. The first part of the essay can never contain directly referenced research material, quotes, and other information that is meant to help explain the topic instead of having it become the topic. Basically, you need to prepare a better thesis statement and also, you need to reference the in-text citations in the manner that the professor has asked you to write this research (MLA, APA, Chicago, etc.) The formatting doesn't follow the common research formats. You need to be sure that your paper does not contain more than 30% direct citations in order to pass the plagiarism checkers of your professor.

Writing Feedback / Influences of advertising - are these ads really necessary? [2]

Linh, a quick point of correction in the paraphrased opening statement. You contradicted yourself when you said that you agree that all forms of advertising need to be banned, but then state this should be done because of its usefulness. The term you should have used needed to be similar to the the original prompt which was "non-usefulness". Using the term "usefulness" contradicted the prompt statement. If you believe the ads are useful then you should have disagreed, not agreed with the statement given in the prompt. Your conclusion should not have tried to continue the discussion with new information either. A simple essay discussion summary restatement would have sufficed. The overall reasoning was good even though the grammar not as smooth as it should've been. Based upon this current work. Your score would probably be 4 due to the wrong paraphrasing but effective reasons that you provided and could have better developed.

Writing Feedback / The alteration of US Oregon's state inhabitants in three counties [2]

Sriwidayani, I am not sure if your tutor had told you this but, one of the scoring considerations in the task 1 essay is the accuracy with which you present and use the data supplied to you. You weren't able to really do that in this essay. Probably because you were not arrear of that rule. So in the overview, you should have indicated the names of the towns being compared along with the years of comparison. You can any just present selective information in the overview, you must represent the information to be presented in greater detail within the essay. The information presentation in the rest of the essay is acceptable but could have been more precise and analytical in presentation. Based on these observations, your essay would probably be scored wiring the 4-5 range, depending on other scoring considerations.