Writing Feedback / The preferred evening course that both males and females (various ages) have recently attended [2]

Hi Sari,

The detailed descriptions below are my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The bar chart presentpresentsthe preferred evening course that thedifferentboth males and femalesgendershave recentlywere attended most recently while the pie (...) of age of these coursecourses participants duringin 2009.

- ... that participants who had ageaged 50 or over attended more than other age rangethe other age groups and language program was the program which had the most common (...) compared than the other courses .

- Most of programs were dominated by women compared than men.

2nd paragraph:
- To begin with , the proportion of participants aged 50 or over who had age 50 or over was much greater than the four arrestrest of age groups .

- Most a half, 42%Almost half percentage of participants were attended the course compared to only 5% (no need to give space for percentage symbol) for the age under 20 whothat had the lowest proportion of attendance.

- At the second place, people aged 40-49 had percentages lessless percentage than one third of the age group while the arrestrest age groups were around 11-16%.

Overall, I can see that your writing suffers from grammatical range and accuracy problem. This can be avoided by considering the above-mentioned feedback. Try to be more careful in the next practice. Good luck :)

Letters / Letters of Recommendation from Professors for Obataining LoA [3]

Hi Alfa,

I would like to try to help you in making your recommendation letters better. I hope you can follow through.

- ...I am writing to endorserecommend X for admission. (be careful of words that you're going to use. (Endorse is something related to a document not person/people)

- X(no need to mention "name" again)He had completed his Undergraduate studystudy at Undergraduate Degree at X University with honor.
- During the period, (comma is necessary) I have known him as an energetic scholarstudent in which hedue to his involvementinvolved in social activity both inside and outside campus.

- Nevertheless(this cohesive device is for showing contrast/difference)Furthermore , his academic life balanced with his organization lifeand his networking skills went hand-in-hand.itThis wasis proven by his GPA X of 4.00. (be careful of collocation. Somehow your sentences/phrases do not sound like an English. It is unfortunate that your native language influence your ability in writing)

- I do believe that Mr.X is greatan outstanding student.
- His willingness to strengthenpursue his study is highly strugglingcan be taken into accountandin which I believe he has a capability to be successful in his future career. andAlso , he can successfully acquire the knowledge as has been proved himself during his study in X University. (avoid making a long-but-inaccurate sentence like this. It often leads to inaccuracies and confusing structure/meaning)

As you can see, some errors that occur in your recommendation letters can be reduced by considering the above-mentioned feedback. I hope this would be helpful. :)

Graduate / Personal statement (LSE MSc Acc&Fin), kind of unsure about how to write [4]

Hi Yang Liu,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

After reading your personal statement, I would like to try to give some answers related to your questions in the last part of the thread that you have posted. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

1) there is almost no personal information, is it okay?
- Yes, that is totally fine. This is because you have provided your personal information details in separated part of the application.

2) Is this paper too past-oriented?
- Somehow, bringing the past is okay but, your personal statement mostly talks about past. Therefore, summarizing and then writing the most important issues/stories would be better.

3) About the academic interest, how long or how specific should it be?
- I think that the academic interest should be as specific as possible. As you know, the examiner or admission officer would like to see them in your essay. Mentioning it in specific details would be helpful to help them decide whether you are passed the specified criteria or not.

4) Do I need to put the future plan into the 1st paragraph?
- As far as I know, future plan is usually in a paragraph before concluding (last) paragraph. I think it is related to your plan (career/academic) after completing your study.

Overall, the essay needs to be summed up because you have surpassed the words limit. I can see that your essay consists of 1330 words. You can follow the above-mentioned suggestion to achieve a better personal statement. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / Peace Corps Resume Help with clarity, Spelling/Grammar and proofreading. [2]

Hi Danielle,

It is nice to see a thread that is quite different from others. I would like to try my best to help you with clarity, spelling/grammar, and proofreading just like you said earlier. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below. I hope it would be helpful. :)

- ... from 10 to 23 students with a variety ofvarious English levels
- ... classroom activities to increase bothstudents' motivation as well as ... (the word "both" seems stand alone. it is better to omit it.)
- Developed and implemented activities for after-school English Club activities to engage students in learning some activities outside the classroom.
- Worked with a Chilean teachers (if it is plural, the usage of article "a" is unnecessary) network to develop ...
- Responded to visitorvisitors' questions about...
- Worked in village farm gardens and carrycarried out weekly cheese-making demonstrations. (this should be in a past form right?)

However, I have no idea why in the last work history (September 2016 - April 2016) you omitted the time signal or you didn't use past tense anymore. If it should be in the past form, perhaps these modifications would be helpful.

- UsingMaintained the usage of excellent grammar and spelling skills while typing to type communicationscommunicate with customers and vendors,
- MultitaskingMulti-tasked in a fast...
- Had a responsibility to stockResponsible for stocking office supplies and organizingorganize materials to be sent to field sites.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Percentage of national consumer expenditure by category - 2002 (Writing Task 1) [2]

Hi Sari,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that this is actually a major problem for most of the new members who practice IELTS task 1. They often forget to upload clear picture/chart/diagram of the essay that they write. This should be avoided next time. You need to know that an IELTS task 1 needs a picture/chart/diagram. Posting a thread without them would make our assessment or correction incomplete.

However, I would like to give general feedback related to paragraphing structure of your essay. In the first paragraph, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

- This table presents... (first sentence)
- At first glance/Overall.. (second sentence)
- In addition/furthermore... (third sentence)

The second paragraph of your essay was too bulky. A paragraph is not necessarily that long. You can just sum up all the information into 3 sentences for each paragraph. Therefore, you will have an essay with 3 paragraphs in total. This would bring significant benefits towards your final grade of your writing.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Introduction to text about spacecraft measurements [2]

Hi Madelen,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

I would like to try to give my best in rephrasing or creating a good flow from the text that you have provided. I hope that this would be helpful for the development of your essay. You can see my alternative version below.

The first spacecraft called Cassini is dedicated to have extensive and long-term in situ including remote measurements of the Saturnian system. Moreover, this spacecraft has been orbiting Saturn since July 2004. It is fortunate that the Cassini Langmuir probe, part of the RPWS instrument package, is still in a good state of health up to now. Thus, it can be seen that more than 12 years of RPWS/LP measurements of Saturn's space environment had been available for further analysis.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Summary Article: The British Music Experience [2]

Hi Ibal,
Here's my analysis of your article summary about British music experience. I hope you can follow through.

- Music and history are two things that aredeeplyclearly, closely, directly, intimately, strongly connected. (inappropriate collocation)
- According to the latest research, music has been present in the history and precise dates come back to the prehistory.(confusing, I have no idea what you're talking about in this sentence. Perhaps, you can consider my alternative sentence.)music that has been presented in the history will come back to the prehistory in precise dates.

- History will bring outrevealsome various musical genres from year to year/annually . (another inappropriate collocation problem)
- Also, culture and social of music thataffectedaffect the history and have inspired a plenty ofmany artists.
- For the first time, the British music experiences explore the historyan exploration of the history and influencesitthem over the past 60 years.
- InAt that time, the British held thean exhibition that divides seven zones with the different genres. were performed.
- InFrom 1945 till in this dayto this era, people provide an insight intoabout how musical genres werehad been formed.

As you can see, I omit most of your "the"s. Over-usage of that article would not bring any significant benefits towards your essay. Even, it would possibly drag your score down. Be more careful next time. I believe you can do that. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / TED: A school for the suicide bombers. [2]

Hi Shandy,

As far as I know, most of the members in this forum who practice writing a summary only write a paragraph or two. I have no idea why you write this long paragraphs. However, I would give you some feedback anyway by focusing on your first paragraph. I hope you can follow through.

- The video tells the ways used byhow Taliban Armies in Pakistan to applyapplyingthebrain-washing for the children. (first sentence doesn't need too many "the"s)

- The main purpose of this is to provideinfluencethe suicide bomberstheir mental to become suicide bombers, so that theywantingare willing to makecreatethe chaos in worldwidearound the world.(I assume that you should introduce first who are the suicide bombers rather than mentioning it directly without prior explanation)

- Sharmeen Obaid-who is a researcher who examiningexaminesher(I am confused. Who is "her"? sharmeen obaid? so, she examines her own research?) work in Pakistan. He/She explains how Taliban Armies influence the youth by conducting the brain-washing method.

- According to her, they adopt the group of children from rural areas and force their childrenmany parents to hand over their children crudely.
- Then, they gather the children to be one placein a place as their school or what Sharmeen Obaid...
- This school intentionally provides them to prepare to be "the queens of jihad" that will bombexplodethetargeted places which they consider as the enemy base .

As you can see Shandy, I have made some modifications and corrections in order to help you composing a better summary next time. Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The Politics, Identity, and Togetherness: Elif Shafak (TED Summary) [2]

Hi Pizaro,
Allow me to give some thoughts related to your TED Summary. I hope you can mind the feedback below.

- TheHuman was created (...) and help each other. (comma needed before "and" if it contains more than two objects/complements)
- On account of the difference of nations is the power...(you can simplify this sentence to make it clearer. For me, it was quite confusing)

- It was the substance from the Elif Shafak speech in TED Talk in 2010. (substance of what? I reckon that "speech" is the appropriate word to accompany "substance".)

- ... her childhood experiences helped her to be able to write a fiction novel well.
- ...the spirit of writing washad successfully honed her creativity.
- He thenThen, he/she studied at an (...) was the only Turkish in that school . (complicated subject, the correct one he or she?)
- In their class, there were students from various of nationalities. (another complicated pronoun problem. He/she and now "their" How many people are actually there?)

- Whenever there was something negative befalls a nation or a religion...
- ...a citizen nearly killed Pope by fire ashooting his/her gun.

As you can see Pizaro, there are some flaws that you should reduce. I hope you can do better in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Suzanne Simard: How trees talk to each other (TED Summary) [4]

Hi Sari,
Here's my thoughts about your TED talks summary. I hope you can follow through.

- ...but there is aan intimated network system that connectedconnects each other.
- That statement is in lineappropriate with a research discovery that was discovered by scientist whilebecause it presents about how Pine root couldcan transfer carbon to ...

- She figured that roots and soil arewere not the main buildingmainly built from the forest.
- ... two-way communications with Paper birch and douglas fir. (stop here, new sentence) On the other hand, (...) so they had not a linkage each other.did not connect to each other.

- More specificMoreover/Furthermore , she discovered that there were...
- As an conclusionIn conclusion , she explained about...

As you can see Sari, mind the above-mentioned corrections to achieve a better result next time. Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Proportion of Pupils Attending School Between 2000 and 2009 [2]

Hi Yonathan,

here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope this would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- The table presentedpresented table depicts the comparison (...) School Types Betweenbetween 2000 and 2009.
- Overall, it is important to noticenote that almost every (...) decreased gradually between 2000 and 2009 except community school which moderately increased graduallybetween 2000 and 2009in a 9-year period.(I did alter some words to AVOID repetition. Repetitive usage of words can lower your band score)

- (I assume that you need one more sentence to cover the general trends of the essay itself. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented.)

2nd paragraph:
- Don't you realize that this paragraph's structure is predictable and monotonous? Try to read and check again once more.

>>>... percentage of school attendance with 52% or more than a half of total school attendance.
>>>The second is Grammar School with 24% or less than a quarter of total ...
>>>... percentage of school attendance with 12% or less than a fifth of total School attendance.

Writing in a monotonous pattern like what you've done would badly damage your score to 5.0 due to "limited range of structures" that you've made. My suggestion is that you can try to vary the sentence structure by reading some IELTS task 1 samples. I hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / Kelley School of Business - My life experiences, past and current school work, and strong commitment [3]

Hi Steven,

welcome to EF! :)
As the prompt said, I would like to focus on your grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ... commitment to succeed are what makemakes me a strong candidate... (your subject is plural. The verb "makes" doesn't agree with the plural subject that you've written)

- I have assumedassume that leadership roles on (...) in the classroom, that have given me ...
- Courses like Business Communication and (no comma needed) The Computer in ...

2nd paragraph:
- ...a skill that I will more likely have to rely ...
- ...are what separate me from most(what do you mean by "most"? most people? most businessman? most what?) when the pressure is on.

- Working well in teams isin another quality that I posses.
- My ability to takeplay on many different roles with in a team is athe reason why I flourishdevelop when working with a group.

- I can lead, generate ideas, or simply be the glue that holdsbonds the team together. (I think "bond" is more appropriate)

As you can see, the third and fourth paragraphs are left behind. Your job is to read and check them again in order to reach a better essay development later on. You can always come here and post the revision below my message. Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / I dreamed of going to FIT and becoming a fashion designer, since I was ten. [3]

Hi Aparna,

welcome to EssayForum :)

I would say that this is a well-written essay. I do really like the way you explain the answer of those two prompts. It was really entertaining to read. However, even though there are only few mistakes or errors that should be addressed, I can still see some rooms for improving the quality of your essay. I hope you can follow through.

- ...my family couldn'tcould not afford... (avoid using contraction(s) in an academic essay)
- I knew I was smart... (saying that you're smart will make the selection committee probably think that you're over confidence. My suggestion is that you can paraphrase them.)

- ButHowever,now as now I am almost 30 years ...
- I have achieved more thatthan I ever imagined I could.
- I believe that I am the right candidate for...

As you can see, minor modifications have been delivered. I hope the above-mentioned feedback would be helpful towards your application.

Cheers :)

Graduate / The core values of a successful therapist will not change [3]

Hi Regina, welcome to EF!

I do apologize for making you wait the feedback from other members for couple days. Several essay categories in this forum seem not really interesting for some people in this forum. I believe this category is one of them. However, I would try my best to give a sincere and meaningful feedback in order to help you achieve a better essay development later on.

First of all, I assume that your prompt is incomplete. As far as I know, most of the graduate essays have a clear word limitation/minimum that should be written in the essay. This essay consists of 1261 words which is quite long for an essay. We have no idea whether this essay has already fulfilled the minimum words limit or even exceeded them. Thus, clear prompt about this one is necessary to be mentioned in the very beginning of your thread.

Secondly, concerning your problem about stuck on the conclusion. What do you mean by that? Have you made the conclusion but it was unclear or you haven't made one? If you haven't written a conclusion, my suggestion is that you can summarize the information from each paragraph into a single sentence. For example, you can just take the main idea of each paragraph and convert it into a sentence or if you confused, you can just paraphrase what you have written in your introduction, as simple as that. You can just paraphrase this "Physical Therapists consistently demonstrate core values by aspiring to and wisely applying principles of altruism, ...... and communities" by using your own words or change it into a passive form.

Hope this helps :)

Research Papers / Mass Incarceration in America: The Economic & Social Impacts on the African-American Community [2]

Hi Jozia, I would like to say welcome to EssayForum :)

We are here to help you sharing our insights related to the essay that you have written. Mass incarceration in America is indeed an interesting topic to be discussed further. However, since this is a Research Papers category, I would say that you need clear citations or references that supports your arguments or opinions related to the topic that you have discussed. This would help you gain stronger foundation of the research itself.

Furthermore, when it is related to grammatical or structural issues, I assume that you have no serious issues that are necessary to be addressed. Only few of them such as "Late payment resultS in compounded...", and the use of contraction like "...the poor when they can'tcannot afford to pay additional...". As you know, in research paper, contraction is not appropriate to be used in the paper. This would make the writing less academic and less formal.

Lastly, I hope to see the clear references in your revision later on. You can just post them below my feedback. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Which Communication Skills are being necessary in Your Job? [3]

Hi Eva,

I would like to mention some of your weaknesses in order to make you able to strengthen them in the next IELTS writing practice. I hope you can follow through.

- In the first sentence of the first paragraph "over a ninth-yearnine-year period.", using ordinal number is not appropriate.
- Percentage symbol should not be separated from the number like what you've done in your essay. Therefore, writing "5%" is correct and writing "5 %" is not.

- Some grammatical flaws still appear in this essay. Tenses inconsistencies were also there. Those are as follows:

>> which iswas also being the mostlargest percentage. (remember, large is one syllable)
>> the highest percentage iswas showed by dealing with customers.

You need to be careful next time. If using past form is the most appropriate one, try to be consistent in using that in the entire essay (except your introduction. It must be in the present form) . By considering all of my feedback above, I hope you can do better in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Communication skills and your performance at a work place [2]

Hi Husnul,

Here's my contributions towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The table presentedpresented table illustrates the percentage of two conducted surveystwo surveys about the significant level of communication skills in work place that had been conductedinbetween 1997 and 2006 about the significant level of communication skills in work place.

- At a glanceAt glance / Overall , it can be seen obviously(if you combine "seen" and "obviously", it would make it redundant. Something that can be "seen" is ALWAYS something that OBVIOUS.) that both of trends witnessed a dramatical increase.

2nd paragraph:
- The next three skills; analysing problems together with others... (avoid making a sentence that is considered as "shop-listing" like this one. Writing more than two data in a single sentence would ruin the final grade of your essay.)

As seen, I did alter some of your sentences in order to improve the quality of your essay. Therefore, I hope the next practice would be better than this one. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / The percentages of two different surveys outcome about the essential communication skills [2]

Hi Russell, here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The presented table provides the percentages of two different surveysoutcomes about the essential (...) over 9 years period .
- AsOverall, it can be seen that, mostly all the communication aspects waswere slightly increased, (...) service went down thancompared to all the items of communication skills.

- I assume that one more sentence is needed to complete the way that you present the information in the overview or introduction of your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented.

2nd paragraph:
- ... products or services waswere the highest enhancements in external communication.
- It is followed by dealing with people that rose 5%(no space needed for percentage symbol) from its result beforethe previous result . (fragmented sentence, be careful)

- I reckon that similar mistakes appear here. Percentage symbol should not be separated from the number.

As you can see, several modifications and corrections have been applied in this essay. I hope you can do better in the next practice. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Summary : Jack Ma can't solve Indonesia's e commerce dilemma [2]

Ryan, welcome to the big family of EssayForum, a place where you can ask for writing help. You can also share your ideas to the others here. I have several notes regarding the above summary, I hope that you can follow through:

- A few days ago, there was a news that Alibaba Chairman Jack Ma...
- ButHowever(it is better to avoid starting a sentence with "But") , with ten ministerial (...), of courseit is obvious that the process will not ...

- Whatever the outcome, e-commerce committee of Indonesians who have to make their own rules to regulate the digital economy of the country.(I think the sentence is somewhat incomplete).

Overall, I like the way you write the summary. You know how to deliver the ideas and put all of them in an order. In addition, several things that I like with your essay is the vocabulary and the use of some transition signals properly. Keep writing! Regards.

Scholarship / Why do you want to study in Japan / What is your purpose to study in Japan ? [3]

Hi, and welcome to the EssayForum or EF in short. We strive to give constructive feedbacks and comments to all members of EF regarding their writing. I hope you can share your ideas with the other members as now you are one of our big family.

Now let's have a look to your essay.

The above essay is well-written. I can see the reason why you want to study to Japan. Still, I suggest you to link your reason with your aims specifically. You wrote many things that attract you to study in Japan and if you link it with your specific dreams, let's say to be an engineer, it will make your essay looks better. You can also correlate your previous background of study and the things that you want to polish or develop by studying in Japan, or the benefits that you will get only in japan regarding to your previous experience (either working experience or previous degree of study).

Try to create an impression of what the benefits that you can get through achieving a scholarship and link it with your personal aims and background; make it detailed as possible. You can search for the example of a good scholarship essay in the internet. Also, don't forget to answer the prompt of the essay. Wish you luck. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Cellphone tracking and security cameras - modern technology spy on people [3]

Hello. The follwoing are several notes on your essay. Hope it help you to polish your writing skill.

- ... using GPS to monitor terrorism action in the city center.
- Although, in most cases show that it has been minimized(I think the word "lower" is more suitable) citizen's alert to secure their valuable items., in my view...

- DuringFrom 2008 to 2013, FBI conducted a research about how (...) inhabitants from terrorism violence .
- This is resulted in that 50% decrease of public-bombed can decrease .
- Those makeThis enables FBI to work more effective to secure American citizens thancompare to their work in the past.
- This is caused bydue to the lack of many housewives lack of alertness to protect their ...
- ...increase working quality in(do you mean "for"?) some expert.
- ...both help police to protect most citizen from the high crime although in some cases it has a few disadvantage in some cases.

The above essay is quite good. To develop the essay further, I think you need to pay attention to the link between each paragraph. I think you need to sharpen the connection in each sentence and even paragraph so the above essay will attract readers' attention to read it.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary Task: A new way to grow bone [3]

Hello, Dioba. I have several inputs on your summary; I hope you can follow through:

- Molly Steven is athe head of a biomaterials lab.(full stop)and She is really fascinated abouton material engineering.
- She said that humans always try to keepmaintain their health...
- Human also find way to used materials in really creative wayscreativelyin the bodyfor face manywhenever any diseases attack their body .
- For example,(a comma is necessary) when the bones had fracture...
- In the iliac crest procedure, the iliac crest procedures are takes some bone from our iliac crest takes some bone from our the crest and transplant to somewhereelse in the body.

- From thatIn respond to the problem,Molly uses the same approach as well aswith the iliac crest to solve the bone crack.

Good luck on your next practice!

Writing Feedback / Childhood is not going to be repeated. Should children play for fun or compertition? [4]

Hi there. Firstly, I would like to give suggestion regarding the paragraph. I recommend you to give 1 enter to separate each paragraph to ease the reader to see which one is the first paragraph, the second, and the third. You will indirectly gain more advise if the reader understands your essay. Now let's have a closer look on your essay.

I have read through your essay and I found that the above essay is well-written and it will be better if you post the introduction and the concluding paragraph soon. The ideas in the above essay are linked with each other; it flows smoothly. The transition signals used are good. All of these signals are written properly. This goes the same to the variety of vocabulary used.

I am looking forward to read the intro and the conclusion of the above essay. Best regards.

Writing Feedback / Why we need introvert leader - Angela Hucles EILTS Summary Exercise to gain 7 Band [2]

alfatir, I can tell that you gain improvement in this time, particularly the flow of your ideas. Keep learning and you will be great on writing for sure. To enhance this further, you may consider the following inputs on your summary:

- SheAngela Hucles(please mention again the name during starting an introductory paragraph even though you already wrote it in the title of your summary) believes that (...) to be a remarkable leader,. (better to end the sentence here) The importanceimportant thing here is preparing the capacity ...

- However, 96% of leadership positions are ...
- InOn other side, introverts ...
- ... things to do for being an introverted leader.
- ... catch innovated ideas,(a comma is needed) and let your fire ...

For the last paragraph, what is the pronoun "she" and "her" refers to? Please write down the name of a person prior to putting a pronoun in a passage because this will help the readers in understanding your writing.

Best regards.

Writing Feedback / Nigel Marsh shared his point of view on how to balance between life and work [2]

In my opinion, the above summary is well written. You have a good skill on writing, Fadhil. To enhance your writing further, you may consider the following notes:

- ... towards his jobless status,(putting a comma here is not necessary) until he got a new job to work for.
- ...taking the full responsibility towards (...) company will not help us, never putting your life in commercial (...), and careful toadjusting our time frame to (...) it can be organized well. (Parallel sentence)

- ...he said that approach the balance in balance way,(looks quite confusing)

Good luck with your practice!

Writing Feedback / Find this out friends. EILTS Summary 5_Hola Dancing in Hawaiian Culture [3]

Hi Fatir. The following are some inputs regarding your essay. Hope you can follow it through!

- Hawai Island is renowned withfor its traditional culture,(no need to put a comma) called Hula dancing.
- It has been markedly enhancingenhance ...
- However,(putting transition signal "However" in this sentence is not appropriate) Hawaiian believe to several ...
- OtherwiseOn the contrary , the scholars reports obviouslyexplanationsexplain that hula was traditionally ...

Be careful with the use of transition signal. Read again how to use each word because it has different usage, for instance, both "otherwise" and "on the contrary" indicates contrast. However, you cannot use both words in all sentence; it depends on the context.

Good luck with your practice.

Writing Feedback / EILTS Writing Taks 1 Origin of Writing in some Place [7]

Hello, Alam. I think the above summary is a compact one which looks like you put only the important point of the original text; this is a good job. Still, there are several things to be revised as follows:

- Ancient tribe believes that origin writing was started from a thausandthousand years ago.
- Such asFor example, Egyptians who believe that their god Thoth was the person who was the first maker of invented writing and speech.
- In other side, ancient Maya also believe ...
I have a suggestion for this sentence: The ancient civilization of Maya has similar perspective with the Egyptians.
- That's wayThat is why the Mayan,...

You need to pay attention to the spelling, punctuation, and some diction. Reading a lot will help you to enhance your writing further. I hope you can follow it through.

Writing Feedback / The popularity of electric cars did not last long due to the limited power and mediocre speed. [2]

Hi there. I made several revisions on your essay. Hope you can follow it through.

- ... electric cars hadhave been driven as...
- as well as the company to produce(I think this is hanging) .
- revealed in North America which those fascinate limited target consumers with the ...
- ...with light composites and two seats.(full stop here)and It aims to solve the ...
- Overall, beside all electric cars will helpin addition to decrease the amount of pollution, some some electric cars will prevent itthe issue with eleganceelegant flair.

There you go.

Writing Feedback / Casting a light was a tricky business - utilized flames had to be applied into moving vehicles [3]

Rizaldo, you have a good writing there. I have several suggestions regarding your essay as follows:

- ... running after the "Track illuminator", in 1831,(it is not necessary to put comma here) was invented.
- ... by many inventors until in 1851,.(full stop, or you can put the word "during" here) The first electric headlamp was developed yet those were still with some drawbacks at the time.

- ... States whose headlamps developed in 1897 and.The federal law required trains to ...
- ... stringent than those for trains.(full stop)and The Columbia Electric Car was equipped bywith headlamps in 1898.
- In almost all(do you mean in conclusion"?) , despite all of difficulties in ...

That's all from me. I hope you can follow it through. Good luck with your practice!

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: Protecting Endangered Species for Future Generations By: Andrew Currie [2]

Hi Fitri. I have several notes on your essay. Hope you can follow it through.

- "Today, more than ever before, life must be characterized ...
The introductory paragraph is too long. One must consider the readers as one of several important things to be noticed during writing. The readability of the text is crucial here so be careful with long sentences. You can separate this sentence into two or three sentences .

- ...and they are completely dependentdepend on human's good willing for theirtosurvival survive in this planet .
- As a conclusion, Andrew proposed ...

Actually, it is a good essay. You know, a simple sentence does not indicate that a writer lacks of idea or has poor skill on writing. Sometimes using simple sentence is better than the complex one because one of the purposes of writing is to share our ideas to the reader. Thus, we need to make the readers understand about our writing firstly. Keep practicing!

Writing Feedback / Several Ways Technology stops crime againts enadangered animals [4]

Hi, you may consider the following revision:

- Wildlife, as the natural habitat of endangered animals, need to be conserved by human.
- ... and the illicting trading animal suc h as...
- SoConsequentially , cutting-edge technology approaches ...
- ... with particular technology,.(full stop here) Here are 5 of 11 the...
- DNA analysis is the one of the wildlife crime investigation.
- Samuel Wasser, DNA analisyst ...
- Using sensor which act usingas a network ofin recycling cell phones...
- ...and gunfire will be recorded and transmitted sound...
- This technology has uesdbeen used in 120 protective(do you mean "protected"?) areas in 27 countries,.(full stop)

Hope this help!

Writing Feedback / The greatest and most crowded subways in the world are located in London, Paris, and Moscow. [4]

Hello, Rosa. It is a pleasure to read your summary. Here are several inputs on your essay:

- ... by scanning the means of transportation,.(better to put a full stop here or you may use connector "because") Subway becomes a benchmark ...

- ... subway in the world is located in London, Paris,(a comma is necessary) and Moscow.
- ... the rail has been laid, the tunnel has been built,(please put a comma) and the underground ...
- ... mass transportation in Paris,. To rival London, Paris (...) carried away numerous passenger every day .

Paying attention to the punctuation marks will enhance your essay. I am looking forward to review your essay again. Keep practicing!

Writing Feedback / Tourist guide dedicates to expound foreigner on place, building, estate, etc. [2]

Hello, Ifan. I found that your essay is a decent one. Still, there are several issues in grammar and punctuation to be considered as follows:

- Base on Aziz Abu Sarah, a Palestine Tour guide, explain ...
- In fact, When he was a kid, his brother has ...
- In reverseHowever , he has significantly altered his mindset and havemade a good relation with thea man from another country since ...
- Eventually,(a comma is necessary here) he found ...
- Base on his statementHe said that "tourist guide not only explain....
- For instance,(please put a comma here) he has fun time with ...
- The most suppressing fact,is that his co-worker is Israeli ...

Hope this help.

Writing Feedback / TED SUMMARY: SARAH CAIN THE INTROVERT PERSON [4]

Hi, you have a well-written essay there. With a little bit polishing, I am sure that the above essay will look better. You may consider the following inputs:

- They tend to responded all things slowly.
- It is a nightmare for an introverted person because they are tough enough to socialize in school or work area.
- Based onIn fact, an introverted person is more careful than an extroverted person toin delivering a message when they ...
- There are three main points from Cain;.(full stops)

I think you are able to re-deliver the message in your summary. The flow of ideas is good and it is readable. However, please pay attention to the grammar and also punctuation during writing. Also, using one or two transitional phrases are valuable to enhance your writing further. Therefore, spending more time on reading will boost your writing for sure. Good luck with your practice!

Writing Feedback / 'Sophisticated wearable headset'. Undoubtedly, it is tricky to learn tonal language nowadays. [4]

Hi, Robert. I made some revision on your essay. I hope you can follow it through:

- Undoubtedly, it is tricky to learn tonal language nowadays.I modified this sentence into:Learning tonal language is undoubtedly tricky.
- However,(a comma is necessary)near the future it will not happenbe the same due to the sophisticated wearable headset in the future.

I suggest you to add one sentence at least in your introductory paragraph. An essay is ideally contain three sentence in one paragraph.

- Its name is SayWAT. It is which able to generate feedback ...
- The system has been tested by several occasionstimeswithby some people.(full stop)andUltimately, the feedback comes with positive results.
- However, according to the inventor, the feedback of the ptich has differencedifferent outcome because of specific feedback, according to the inventor(this sounds hanging) .

With some polishing, I am sure that you will be able to improve your writing. Stay positive and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Opinions about Advertising : The Advantages on Situation [5]

Hello, Edho. You wrote a well-written summary. Still, several revisions are necessary to build up your writing skill further. You may consider the following inputs:

- ... tell the consumers about their products.(full stop)andAlso, if the consumers know about ...
- However(inappropriate transitional phrase)On top of that , advertising is necessary ...
- . In the free market economies, like the internet and social media, itsit can help the companies (...) and to introduce their new products or their and old products.

- To Controlling of the massive progress in advertising, it should be regulated.
- The regulation must been existIt aims to make a rule about how to make a healthysafe advertising for the consumers, the products that can be on advertisementsadvertised , and the others rules.

There you have it. Hope this help!

Writing Feedback / "Big Families May Be The Best Way to Avoid Divorce" [3]

The following are several takes on your essay:

- Having a happy family is one of people's desire, especially for peoplethose who are getting marriagemarried and have a big family.
- ButHowever, it is not easy as we knowthat simple to achieve that .
- Sometimes,(a comma is needed) people can not keep their ...
- In the latest research presented by the American Sociological Association, Tt here are many factors that play into divorce,.
- On the other hand, researched by Doug Downey, (...), saidsthat growing up in a family with siblings, we will develop a set (...) and positive interaction,; considering other people's points of ...

Hope these help.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, felling the trees is used by the industry to complete the material needed. [4]

Hello Rosa, below are some inputs to your essay:

- To cut downCutting down the trees means cutting a numerous...
- The tree shadesshade of the tree is a critical point both to the small mammal's lives and as a defendshelter from heavy rainfall to fall directly the topsoil,.(full stop)

- besideIn addition, tree leaves emit oxygen and supply a natural protector against the air pollution.
- Eventually, to do deforestation or reforestation is dependingdepends on the people.
- ButHowever, every step we do to the environment will be impacting to affect the next generation in the future.

The above essay is good, but you need to pay attention in grammar and choosing appropriate diction as well. Hope this help. I wish that you can actively contribute to this forum by sharing your knowledge regarding writing. Cheers.

Writing Feedback / Japan and Malaysia in 2010 - Average household spendings by major categories; IELTS TASK 1 [2]

Hi Fahad, I have read through your essay. The following are some suggestions for you, hope you can follow it through.

First of all, please use 1-enter to separate one paragraph to another. This will help the others to review and give comments to your essay. In addition, the above essay is only 143 words, 7 words to go to reach the minimum word limits. This is very crucial to your score later because you will get a lower score if you do not meet the words limit standard. Also, summarizing the data does not mean you ignore the details, at this case, the percentage in the chart. You need to write the details along with percentage as well, but remember, write only the main features of the graph.

I am looking forward to review your essay again and feel free to ask for help. You can also share your thoughts to all the EF members by commenting to their essay. Good luck with your practice. Cheers.

Scholarship / My dream is to get a bachelor degree in my dream country - Korea! [3]

Hi Sovankaruna, welcome to the big family of EssayForum. We aim to give accurate and constructive feedbacks to all members who need help to polish their writing. Here are several takes on your essay:

First, I did some revision on your essay:
- I have had a dream (...) my dream country, Korea.(full stop)andThe Korea Government Scholarship ...
- Well, the following paragraph will ... There are three main reasons which motivated me for the KGSP.
- Korean takes education-,(put a comma instead) particularly higher education, very seriously.

Secondly, the thing that makes a personal statement interesting is how you "tell" your details, not only mention your personal background. It will be better for you to make it a little bit like a narration about your personal background or all the things explained in the prompt. In addition, the idea in the first paragraph looks okay, but if you add more acceptable reason (about the exclusive of Korea and its relation with your future major) it will improve the paragraph and attract the reader to read your essay.

You need to consider that there are hundreds or even more personal statements like yours and how did they select the scholarship candidate. Try to think as the reader during writing because writing means nothing without readers. Regards.