Writing Feedback / Number of people who are content in the USA by the age group, maritial status, and having kids [3]

Hi Rasyid, here's my analysis towards your essay.

Apart from grammatical issues, I would like to focus on checking on how you create and elaborate this essay. My suggestion is that you need to use IELTS band descriptors as your guidance. You can find and download them on Google or IELTS.org. In that band descriptor, if you want to reach band score 6 or above, you need to "Presents a clear overview of main trends, differences, or stages (band 7), or presents an overview with information appropriately selected (band 6)". It is unfortunate that your essay has no clear overview (band 5).

With regards to your essay, I believe that "conclusion" is NOT an overview. It can be categorized as an opinion. You should not give any opinions in IELTS task 1 essay. The prompt only tells you to summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Therefore, if you want to reach a high band score, you should write an overview instead of conclusion. For your information, overview can be placed in the beginning of the paragraph (1st paragraph) or the last paragraph like what you've done.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / There's a statement that tourism gives negative impacts in their country's destination [3]

Hi Fadhila, I would like to focus on the first and the last paragraph of your essay. As I know, those paragraphs are the most essential parts in IELTS writing task 2. The detailed descriptions below are my feedback. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- In the present timeThese days , travelling in around the world is a good choice for the most people.
- ButHowever , there is a statement that about tourism that gives negative impacts inon their country's destination countries .
- I thinkbelieve that there are some reasonsthat indicate why this statement is true...

4th paragraph:
- In conclusion, tourism has been brought negative impacts toward itsin their destination country such as...
- ButHowever, we can reduce thatthe negative impacts when every tourist havehas responsibility to protect the original culture and environment whoin which they travel to.

As you can see Fadhila, you need to pay more attention to sentence structure more often. Just make sure that the sentence that you are creating is okay and you've already mastered it. This would avoid inaccuracies. Minor flaws are more likely to lead you to a high band score. Good luck for the next IELTS practice :)

Writing Feedback / Writing task one on how much money in the city council received and if it affected book club members [2]

Hi Fadhila, the detailed descriptions below are my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- The line graphsgraph gives the information about how much money that thein the city council received and how many members are in the book club for fourthfour years.

- Overall, inthe first line(avoid giving unclear information like this, the reader/examiner would never know which one is the first or which one is the second) shows there is fluctuation(avoid over-simplifying the information, unclear introduction would make your band score can only reach 5.0)in ... period.

Let me just rewrite your introduction:
- A breakdown of the information about how much money that the city council received and how many members are in the book club is depicted in the line graph. It is measured in pounds sterling over 4-year period. Overall, it can be seen that, city council has experienced a dramatic growth in the middle of the period but dropped significantly in the end of the period while the number of members in the book club has witnessed the opposite.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 : council donation for book club members [4]

Hi Sofi, I would like to focus on the details of each paragraph in your essay. I hope this would be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- The graph illustrates the amount of money tofor book members (...) number of book at club fellows.
- Overall, it is noticeable that, there was a lot ofwere some fluctuations between money ...
(but, are you really sure that the overview is just "fluctuations" like this? this can be considered as "no clear overview" and drag your band score down to 5.0. You can focus on the faults/fractures. Perhaps be more specific on the beginning, middle, and the end of the period)

2nd paragraph:
- According to the chart, from the first year to the second year, there was an oppositecontradictory(inappropriate collocation) trend between the amount of money...

- I have an additional reminder for you and for everyone who read this. Please keep in mind that you need to create a paragraph for at least 3 sentences in each. The idea is to have you present the complete understanding about the chart / graph that you are going to describe. This is one of the major scoring systems that need to be fulfilled.

That's it Sofi, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Mind the above-mentioned feedback to help you achieve the desirable score in the future test. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Summary Article about Cholera epidemic in Haity [3]

Hi Farida, here's my analysis towards your article summary.

- ...from Cholera. (period, new sentence) 9,200 people died fromout of 770,000 people who get thethis disease.
- Cholera is a disease which is happened because ofthat caused by Vibrio Cholerae. (period, new sentence)and Furthermore, the common symptoms are diarrhea, vomiting, and cramping but it also can be dehydration and shock if there are no immediate treatments.

- Cholera will spread easily if thea particular/certain area has poor sanitation and hygiene.
- ...which people usually use forto be a primary source for drinking but it lackinglacks of sanitation. andIt is unfortunate that people consuming it... (I just curious why did you struggle really hard to create a complex sentence without an adequate understanding? you need to understand what actually a complex sentence is. Complex sentence is not simply add coordinating conjunctions like "and, for, but, etc" or subordinate conjunctions like "although, because, etc" as many as you want, but please pay more attention to its meaning first. Does it make any sense if you add many conjunctions just to make your sentence complex? Therefore, my suggestion is that be more careful next time.)

That's it Farida, I hope the above-mentioned feedback would be beneficial towards your future writing development. Anyway, Good luck :)

Scholarship / Describe your motivation and commitment to return to Africa after graduation and out line a brief pr [3]

Hi Dennis,

Apart from technical corrections, I would like to focus on seeing your content further. I hope you can follow through.

First, is this essay has words limit? If not, I guess it is better for you to elaborate this statement "I will create an online education system that will enable the inhabitants of Africa to learn oral and written skills." I can see you have a bright vision here but you need to remember that "change is not as easy as a flip of a switch". Besides, your target is AFRICA, a continent that has 1.111 billion inhabitants (2013).

This is the facts that I've got from africanlibraryproject.org/our-african-libraries/africa-facts

In Sub-Saharan Africa

More than 1 in 3 adults cannot read. [1]
182 million adults are unable to read and write. [2]
48 million youths (ages 15-24) are illiterate. [2]
22% of primary aged children are not in school. [3]
That makes 30 million primary aged children who are not in school. [4]

You need to describe or tell the reader that this is a LONG-TERM goal. What will you do to maintain your commitment? Of course you will also need to describe your SHORT-TERM goal. With all due respect, for me, your essay seems like a "daydreaming". First, you want to eradicate illiteracy problem with no clear mechanism on how to do that. Second, you want to lessen high rates of many serious diseases. Third, you want to stop corruption and reducing the high rate of unemployment.

A plan is a plan is a plan. You need to outline it first briefly and clearly before coming up with an essay and discussing many things at once. There is always steps or stages that you should go through. Make it as logic as possible. I hope this outline would help you compose a better essay.

1st paragraph:
- Describe your motivation and commitment to return to Africa after graduation in BRIEF. Short, but meaningful. 3 sentences would be alright. This paragraph should consist a short-term goal, middle-term goal (if any), and long-term goal. You just need to write the keywords for that. No need to give a detail explanation. At least, the reader would know that you have an overall-progression in your essay.

2nd paragraph:
- explain your short term goal

3rd paragraph:
- explain your middle-term goal (if any)

4th paragraph:
- explain your long-term goal

5th paragraph:
- if possible, conclude all of those in a single concluding paragraph.

There you have it Dennis, I do really hope that this would be helpful. Good luck :)

PS: please be careful in commenting or giving feedback to others. A single sentence would NOT be enough. You will get suspended if you keep doing that.

Writing Feedback / Lava from Hawaii volcano cascades into sea in vivid display [3]

Hi Azmi, I understand your confusion and I would be glad to help you for this.

First thing first, complex sentence is not a sentence that looks too complicated like this "On Monday, Augustus 8th, thousands of people worldwide gathered together to see the incredible hot bright-orange lava eruption at Kilauea, one of the world's most active volcanoes on Hawaii's Big Island where has not been showing its beauty for three years." The essence of complex sentence is quite simple and not complex at all. Complex sentence is just simply a sentence with more than one clause. Anyway, a clause itself is a part of sentence that has its own subject and verb (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). Perhaps, a short description below would help you acquiring a better understanding about complex sentence.

Simple sentence (1 clause)
> She goes to Paris.

Compound sentence (2 clauses or more that are connected by coordinating conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so))
> Rudi wakes up at 9 o'clock and he goes to school at 10 o'clock.

Complex sentence (2 clauses or more that are connected by subordinate conjunctions (although, while, because, etc.))
> She looks fresh because she always eats fresh fruit.

Compound-complex sentence (the combination of compound and complex sentence)
> Yesterday, Rudi woke up at 9 o'clock but he forgot to eat breakfast because he was in a hurry.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The kids are alright - if you leave them alone [3]

Hi Eka, here's my take towards your article summary.

- In this present era, Western parents have made a lot of rules givenby giving a dozen of advice for their children.
- As thea result, itthis has made a number of children get stressful. (double verb)
- Parents, therefore, should take care toof their children proportionally in order thattothey can fully develop their talents or ambitions.
- WhereasIn the past , Fass told thatin the pastthat parenting just had a simple goal that thought to be able to survive.(confusing)to make the children survive.

- ...more independent because they worked and helped their family. Moreover, they also experienced slavery in the Civil War II.

That's it Eka, my suggestion is that just be more careful in writing a sentence, especially a complex sentence. As you can see, there are still some inaccuracies that need to be modified. I just want to remind you that Microsoft word is good because it has spell checker. But, please do not rely on the "grammar checker" on Microsoft word because it only has low accuracy. The weakness of that grammar-checker is that it doesn't care about the meaning. That's why, some of your sentences are quite confusing.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Similarities in the amounts of intakes of different meats in some European countries [3]

Hi Fiona, welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that your essay structure is quite messy. Therefore, I would like to give you some tips in a brief description about how to create a well-structured IELTS Task 1 essay.

1st paragraph:
- 1st sentence > Paraphrase the question
- 2nd & 3rd sentence > Write an overview that indicates the key features, general trends, or stages that is interesting to be described (do not come up with details. Remember, a tendency to focus on details would drag band score down to 5.)

2nd paragraph has the same structure as 3rd paragraph. The difference is about how you group the information given. For example, the graph that you've uploaded shows a brief timeline from 1979 to 2004. You can just simply describe the half period for the second paragraph, and the other half period for the third paragraph. By doing this, you've fulfilled the task given and more likely to reach a high band score. My suggestion is that you need to read more sample answers to help you.

PS: (some sample answers might place their overview in the last part of the essay. I suggest you to place it in the beginning in order to catch up with the time limit. Remember, you only have 20 minutes for task 1. Writing overview in the beginning would save time.)

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 Charity From City Council To Book Clubs [2]

Hi Farida, I would like to focus on the detail of the first and the third paragraph on your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, it can be seen obviously(redundant) that the both of lines experienced an upward trends and the amount of money waswere always higher than the number of books.

- Apart from the above correction, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The line graph gives... (1st sentence)
It is measured in... (2nd sentence)
Overall, it can be seen... (3rd sentence)

3rd paragraph:
- Please bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. If you have no idea about what to write, you can simply take one of the sentences from the second paragraph.

As you can see Farida, by considering the above-mentioned feedback, I am sure that your writing is going to get better than before. I hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Summary = Three parent baby success could see trials in two years [2]

Hi Sofi, the detailed descriptions below are my analysis toward your article summary.

- Healthy mitochondriamitochondrion is a predominant aspect to ensure human's life cells working appropriate.work properly.
- The defective mitochondriamitochondrion , on the other hand, creates... (mitochondria = plural, mitochondrion = singular)
- ResearcherBy using "three-parent" treatment, researcher removes the nucleus and transfers it into...
- The treatment has been tested for several times...
- Turnbull's team as a mitochondria researcher have a tendency to... (tendency is only an INTENTION not an ACTION)(this can make your essay confusing)

- by using the manipulation of chemical solution(I still have no idea about this one, syntactically correct, but I think the meaning is still confusing)chemical solution manipulation to minimize...

There you have it Sofi, mind the appropriate sentence structure to avoid confusion. Clarity is the most important matter that every summary should achieve. Hopefully you can compose a better summary next time. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: For tolerance, we need more tourism [3]

Hi Eka, the detailed descriptions below are my feedback towards your video Summary. I hope you can follow through.

- He realized that revenge shouldwill onlybuildcreate a wall that separateseparating people tofrom others. (pay more attention on the meaning)
- B theAt that time, he hashad decided to dedicate his life...
- He has thoughtwas thinking about sort ofsome ways to do that.
- Eventually, (comma is needed) he found that tourism...
- He believesbelieved that tourism can build... (be more consistent in tenses usage)
- During the tour, (comma needed) they co-operated to tellshare their history...
- However, tourists who joined in the trip absolutelyenormously, greatly, hugely, immensely, really, thoroughly, tremendously enjoyed... (inappropriate collocation, I gave you some alternatives)

That's it Eka, if you consider all of the feedback that I've given to you, I think it would be beneficial towards your writing development later on. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The idea about how to protect and preserve earth due to climate change - drawing [2]

Hi Sofi, here's my analysis towards your Video summary. I hope you can follow through.

- The presented(redundant) video in TED.COM lectured by Zaria Forman highlights...
- ...how to protect and preserve earth due tofrom climate change. (pay more attention on the meaning)
- ...the best method to generate people in making decisions ...
- ...was one of the largest contributing factorStothatraised the sea levels.
- ...she made another expedition to Maldives in 2013. Maldives are known as the lowest-lying islands.
- WhileWhen she was there, she collected ...

As you can see, your essay is actually quite informative. The flow of ideas is well-done. Yet, some grammatical improvements are still needed. This can be beneficial towards your output later on. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Australian Man Saves More Than 2 Million Lives [3]

Hi Sestria,

Here's my contribution towards your article summary/essay.

- He was grateful for the blood donationthat he accepted due tobecause it saved his life. He made a promisedpromise to begin donatingdonate his blood as long as he lives.

- In 1954, James turned 18 and he ...
- DoctorsDoctorshownexplained that James' blood contained a rare substance which isthat could stop Rhesus disease.
- InAt that time, thousands of babies were killed by Rhesus disease year to yearannually .
- His blood was so important in whichthat his life was insured for 1 million dollars.
- In May 2011,James' donation had reached 1,000 times.donated blood for the 1,000 time.
- ...because of that. (period, new sentence)Therefore, he helped almost...

That's it Sestria, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Pay more attention to grammatical range and accuracy to make your essay better. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Citizens obtain numerous positive outcomes viewing ordinary people reports, not celebrities 'news' [2]

Hi Nurul,

I can see that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum contributors. I hope you can follow through the above-mentioned feedback. However, apart from Akbar's feedback, I would like to focus on giving you some tips about what you should do in Agree or Disagree essay.

First of all, you need to mention clearly your POSITION. This is related to IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors. It is clearly stated that if you want to reach band 6 or above you need to "present a relevant position although the conclusions may become unclear or repetitive (band 6) or present a clear position throughout the response (band 7)" . How? You can do that by stating your position CLEARLY in the introduction paragraph. You might say "It is agreed/disagreed that..., I firmly/strongly agree/disagree with..., or many more". There are actually many possible options to state your position. You can explore them by reading some sample answers of IELTS task 2 related to Agree or Disagree. However, if you failed to present a relevant position, you need to be aware about these "expresses a position but the development is not always clear and there may be no conclusions drawn (band 5)" or worse "presents a position but this is unclear (band 4)".

As you can see Nurul, avoiding a low band score parameter and focusing on a high band score parameter would be helpful towards the development of your essay.

I hope this helps :)

Scholarship / "A voyage to the oceans of characters" - "Let your life speak". United World College Scholarship [2]

Hi Hien, welcome to EssayForum :)

At first, I was quite confused about your essay. I was struggling myself to try to match the prompt with your answer. Eventually, I've recognized that your essay has already answered the prompt but in an unusual way. A common essay would describe the environment directly since the first paragraph but your essay was quite unique I guess. You came up with a catchy-hook about "ocean of characters" in which makes the reader wonder what are you going to say about that phrase. However, there are two possible outcomes if you write your essay that way.

First, as I said before, the reader would wonder about what you are going to say/describe about that phrase and second, it is also possible to make the reader curious in negative way. They would probably think that your essay hasn't answered the prompt properly yet. I gave you two perspectives to make you aware in making something different. Difference is good for some people, but some people might also consider it as "violating the rule" or something like that.

All in all, my suggestion is that it is okay to use a catchy hook like that but you need to explain MORE clearly about what do you mean by oceans or what ocean represents. You need to give overall progression in your introduction by outlining what three oceans consist.

I hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / How Short Life of Sarah Gray's Son Made A Lasting Difference [3]

Hi Hirani, here's my analysis towards your TED video summary.

1st paragraph:
- In TED talks video, Sarah Gray told mentioned about her pregnantpregnancy in 2010. in TED video.
- At thethat time, Sarah gotgave birth twin babies.
- Unfortunately, Sarah got a problem with her pregnantpregnancy .
- ...that he defected anencyphalysuffered from anencephaly deformity
- ... formed correctly because part of his school was missing. (what do you mean by part of his school?)

2nd paragraph:
- Thomas' conditionedwas like doctor's prediction, an ...
- ...baby Thomas diedpassed away . (for human, I think "passed away" is more appropriate)
- The cord blood was forwarded to Duke University.
- His liver was sent to cell Therapy ...
- His corneas was forwarded to Schepens Eye (...) last, Thomas's retina was sent to University of Pennsylvania.(passive voice is more appropriate)

As you can see Hirani, there are still some works that need to be done in revising this summary. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Summary an article: Polio back in Nigeria, still attacking African people [4]

Hi Fadhila, here's my analysis towards your article summary.

1st paragraph:
- The title of anthis article is "Polio back in Nigeria two years after being wiped out In Africa". (quotation marks needed)
- Polio is a diseasedeceases that wasis attacking African people.
- After the declaration of Polio-free in Africa, it is unfortunate that Nigeria iswas infected by Polio virus.
- TheThis country has been infected with more than 50 percent of all cases globally.

2nd paragraph:
- After two children waswere contaminated by polio virus , the country government has immunized everyall children rapidlyquickly and ensured that nothingnochildren were infected before viruses replicatedthe virus infecting children's bodies.

- Nigeria's Government and WHO make cooperationcooperated to create anabout eradication program.
- It aimaims to solve polio's viruscure polio virus contamination in people and get rid of the disease.
- Based on globallyglobal cases, WHO has been predicted thatif all people in the world will be freed from Polio deceasesdisease in 2019.
- ... and Afghanistan, Taliban has opposed tothe immunization program in both countries.

Hope this helps :)

Letters / Write an email about yourself to a homestay family in that country [5]

Hi Ra Mi, welcome to EF! :)

I would like to modify and rewrite your letter completely because the format of your letter is quite messy. You've neglected some important points in writing a letter, especially punctuation marks.


Dear Mr and Mrs John,

I'm YoungMy name's Young and I come from Korea. Today, iI am writingwrite this letter to thanksexpress my gratitude for allowing me to stay with your family when I am going to live and study ...

I'm 16 years old, and I study at Seoul High School. I live in Korea with my family, particularly my father, mother, and my younger brother. My father is a businessman, my mother works at her shop, and my brother is still 5 years old, so that he doesn'thasn'tgone to school yet .

In free time, I like listening to (...) shopping with my friends. I also like watching films, so I often go to the cinema.

Next month, while I'm studying there, I want to hard study study hard and try to improve my English.On the other hand. i'mAlso, I am ready to discover a beautifulwonderfulcountrycity like New York. I think i'llthat it would be exciting to havewith a new life in New York. After finishing universitymy undergraduate study , I want to becomebe a businessmen like my father. That's one of my biggest dreams .

I hope we lives happy and has memorables together.can live happily and share many memorable experience together.

Best wishes,
Ra Mi Young

As you can see, Space, Capitalization, and Punctuation marks are really important. Good luck in revising this letter :)

Essays / Chevening 2017/18 process for the questions of networking skill; convincing readers on my experience [4]

Hi Hendra, welcome to EF! :)

I can see that you were quite confused about what to write in networking skill part. I think that it is not that difficult. Networking skill simply means that your experience in building a network with your friends and colleagues, it can be either in the former university or the workplace. Perhaps you can start explaining the very first experience in creating a network or joining an organization in campus or high school. Then, you can just elaborate it further in details, especially the most recent experience.

Before doing all of that, create a proper outline and brainstorm your ideas to make it as perfect as possible. The deadline is still 3rd of November, no need to rush. Remember, an outstanding piece of writing comes through countless revisions. However, I would like to help you in outlining a networking skill essay in the descriptions below.

Chevening is looking for individuals with strong networking skills, who will engage with the Chevening community and influence and lead others in their chosen profession. Explain how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills, and outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.

1st paragraph:
- Tell the reader how can you meet the requirement by showing some examples related to your past networking skill. It can be from your high school or undergraduate networking experience i.e. organizations or communities.

2nd paragraph:
- Another additional reason how can you meet the requirement by showing the MOST RECENT examples of your networking skill, preferrably at workplace or current institution that you've worked with.

3rd paragraph:
- Explain your hope to use the networking skill in the future by linking them to Chevening main purpose. Remember "Chevening is looking for individuals with STRONG NETWORKING SKILL".

Hope this helps :)

Essays / To what extent an essay about the essence of progress can be off-topic? [2]

Hi Yas, welcome to EF!

To be honest, I have felt confused lately while reading your thread. I have no idea how to give a proper response to this "short" and unclear thread. I am just afraid that the moderator of this forum would suspend you if you create such an unclear thread. I have read this thread several times and still couldn't figure out what should I say. However, I would like to analyze them now. I hope you can still follow through.

First thing first, it is your title. I assume that it is a "question", and you need an answer for that. Therefore, my answer would be:

- An essay about the essence of progress can be off-topic if you talk beyond the limitation. There has to be a limitation for all types of essay. Essay is not a book. Even a book itself has its own limitation of discussion. I assume that one type of essay that related to essence of progress is IELTS task 1. In IELTS task 1, when the candidates want to write about a progress, they cannot write any opinions related to the progress itself. This is not appropriate because they are supposed to only REPORT the information by selecting/describing the key features, stages, or differences, and they are NOT allowed to write any opinions. If this was type of essay that you've meant, I am glad that it will be helpful.

Second, please explain MORE CLEARLY about this:

"I had, in my opinion, a philosophical subject for an English written exam." (then, what is that? a philosophical subject like what?)

"I wrote about the innovations of human so far, and then I developed the idea that necessity leads to innovations, also, innovations or discoveries because of specific purposes or conditions." (then, where is the essay? I think you need to upload the essay first then we can discuss it further.)

That's it Yas, sorry for taking quite a long time to respond because your thread was unclear. I hope to see your respond soon.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Cities with iconic buildings makes their look special and unique; IELTS Writing Task 2 [3]

Hi Ashela, apart from technical issues that are occurred in your essay, I would rather focus on seeing the content. For me, your essay was quite unusual. I have read many sample answers of IELTS writing task 2 but none of them have a paragraph development like what you've created. There are two possibilities that can appear with this type of answer. First, you would get a high band score and second, you would probably attain a low band score due to unusual type of writing.

I would also like to suggest you to use "Writing Band Descriptors of IELTS task 2" as your guidance. You can find it in IELTS.org. In that band descriptors, you will see in "task response" criteria (band 5) that mentions "address all task only partially; the format may be inappropriate in places". It is pretty clear that inappropriate format would drag your band score down to 5.0 for task response. Just be more careful in constructing an IELTS task 2 essay.

Therefore, my suggestion for you is that you need to read more sample answers to help you determining what kind of essay-structure that suits you best. For me, the appropriate essay-structure for an IELTS task 2 essay is as follows:

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- 1st sentence > you can just simply paraphrase the question
- 2nd sentence > create a thesis statement (mention your stance/position). Remember, expressing a clear and relevant position can increase your band score.
- 3rd sentence > outline your thesis statement (explain your thesis statement by using keywords, especially your ideas. If you had two main ideas that you want to write in body paragraphs, state it here. Creating overall progression would help you to reach band 6 or above.)

2nd and 3rd paragraph (body paragraph(s):
- create a topic sentence based on the keywords that you've stated in the introduction (ex: Smoking is bad) (1st sentence)
- explain the reason WHY (ex: smoking is bad because...) (2nd sentence)
- give some examples to support your view (ex: a cigarette consists of ...) (3rd sentence)
- write the implication of your examples (as a result, smokers will...) (4th sentence)
- conclude the paragraph (all in all, smoking is bad due to... ) (5th sentence)

4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
- simply paraphrase your thesis statement / the outline of it (1st or 2nd sentence)
- write a recommendation, fear, hope for the future (2nd or 3rd sentence)

As you can see, the above-mentioned feedback indicates that a better essay-structure is more likely to increase your band score. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The given linegraph compares personal satisfication rates in four different colleges [3]

Hi Reyha, welcome to EssayForum :)

Apart from the above-mentioned feedback, I would like to help you by mentioning your flaws in IELTS writing task 1.

1st paragraph:
- The given line graph compares ranking of personnel satisfaction in four different colleges between 1991 and 2002. (comma is unnecessary)
- Overall,At a glance what stands out first from the table is that(in the first sentence you said that it is a line graph but in the second sentence you said that it is a table. Inaccurate information can lead to a low band score)it is noticeable that, despite thesome fluctuation of figures in different times, (comma needed)the trend for Two of the colleges have experienced an upward trendis upward while with others being clearlyhave witnessed a downward trend .

That's it, the introduction is the most essential part to reach band 6 or above. I can see an overview, but it was unclear. Remember, no overview or unclear overview can drag your score down to 5.0. Just be more careful next time and mind the above-mentioned corrections. Good luck for the next practice :)

Scholarship / UWC scholarship : Describe a challenge and how you overcame and its impacts [3]

Hi Huong, welcome to EssayForum :)

With regards to your request, I have read the whole essay and see some parts that are actually unnecessary to be written in this essay. First of all, why would you bother write a flashback plot and exceeds the words limitation if you can write it consecutively according to the prompt given? The prompt actually wants you to first, describe a challenge, second, how you overcame that challenge, and third the impacts of it.

The first paragraph of your essay didn't describe any challenges. In my opinion, this would make the reader / examiner questioning "where is the challenge?" The reader / examiner can only find the challenge from your second paragraph. Usually, the scholarship selection committee has limited time to read the essays from scholarship candidates. If, for example, the examiner didn't find any challenges in the first paragraph, I think it is possible for him/her to leave your essay behind without read it further. This is because you didn't answer it directly since the first paragraph of your essay. At least, you can give an outline of your answers in the first paragraph to make the examiner stay and keep reading your essay. Therefore, the first paragraph of your essay can be deleted and replaced by the second paragraph. I think the content would still connect between each paragraph.

I hope this helps :)

Scholarship / A MSc in Development Studies will help me to develop a skill-set that I can effectively put in use [2]

Hi Nazia, welcome to EF! :)

I believe that this essay has already well-written. You have successfully answered the prompt given above by elaborating your answer almost flawlessly. I do really like the way you link your ideas between sentences and paragraph. This makes the reader easily understand what is your main points or ideas.

In detail, this prompt is actually divided into three parts. First, "Outline why you have selected your chosen three university courses, second, explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experience , and third your plans for the future.".

I assume that the first paragraph is the introduction, that is the place that you've used for outlining the overall progression of what might appear in the whole essay which is quite interesting to the reader. The second paragraph is the first answer. The third paragraph is the answer for the second prompt. Eventually, the last paragraph is related to the third part of the prompt, your future plans.

However, I can notice that there is still some rooms for improvements. As you can see, this program is a British Government program and therefore, I would like to suggest you to write by using British spelling, such as fulfill > fulfil, and meager > meagre. This is because I think that this would help to impress the reader/selection committee that you've actually understood an English language that is commonly used in the United Kingdom.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / This is an inclusive world, human being isn't the only blessed species, there are still other animal [3]

Hi Maura, welcome to EssayForum :)

Honestly, I have no idea about what is the purpose of your writing because there is no prompt given to check whether your writing has already answered the prompt or not. Therefore, I would like to focus on checking your grammatical flaws and giving an alternative corrections if possible. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- This is an inclusive world. (Period. New sentence) Human beingsisn'tare not the only blessed species because there are still other animals and plants that are blessed by the sun and moon.(period. new sentence), andAll of us compose the wonderful world. (I have no idea why did you use "compose". the appropriate collocation for the word "world" are "create/make/destroy".)

Apart from the feedback for the first paragraph, I can notice that your paragraphing is quite confusing. This is dangerous to the coherence and cohesion of the essay itself. Pressing enter to create a new line after a period indicates that you didn't paragraph well. There is no paragraph that consists only 1 sentence. A good and strong paragraph should consists at least 3 sentences. This is because three sentences are usually consists of "topic sentence, explanation of the topic sentence, and some examples".

That's it Maura, I hope the above-mentioned feedback would be helpful towards your future writing practice :) Good luck

Writing Feedback / "FIVE". What does five mean to you? 250 words or less [2]

Hi Kate, welcome to EssayForum :)

If I'm not mistaken, I have read similar thread to this one. But, the difference is the number. The previous essay that I've been read is "four". I believe that both of you also have similar writing style. I am not really sure whether this is the perfect way to compose this type of essay or not. For me, reading your essay seems like reading a poem, or a piece of creative writing. I am not an expert of poetry or creative writing but I do have some experience in academic writing. Therefore, I hope that I am still able to help you by sharing one of my insights.

However, first of all I think that you missed one most important part in writing an appropriate sentence. A sentence is called a sentence if it has a minimum of 1 clause. As you know, a clause consists of at least a subject and a verb. So, I think that this is the major problem of your essay that can be minimized or reduced. You can re-read and re-check your essay once or twice to make sure that at least a sentence should consist of 1 subject and 1 verb.

Second of all, you need to avoid making fragmented sentences. This sentence still needs help.
- Even if I getam able to live for another five years , those five hours will never feel okay. (do "five hours" can feel something?)

All in all, your essay is quite well-written. Some modifications or revisions would be helpful I guess. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: In general, wind turbine has many components that have different function [2]

Hi Tyar, here's my contribution towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

- The diagrams show the components of wind turbinewind turbine's componentsfor generatingthat can generate electricity, and where theits optimum locations it is placed.

- ... turbine are installed have an impact foton the amount of energy can be generated. (it is better to be placed here, an overview is the most essential part that should be written to reach band 6 or above)

- The blade can beis made from fiberglass or wood as the materials.
- The blade is passed through the wind to spin and generate electricity.passes through the blades and spinning it to generating electricity.(passive sentences are more preferred in diagram process essay)

- Wind will be determined its speed and direction by wind sensor.The speed and direction of the wind will be determined by wind sensor.
- The tower is controlled by thea computer that can change direction and angle.which can change its direction and angle.
- As a result, athe turbine can generatinggenerate electricity as much asup to 1.5 megawatts.

I hope this helps. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Having a job that you love doing make you happier - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [2]

Hi Eka, here's my analysis towards your essay, especially in grammatical range and accuracy part.

1st paragraph:
- NowadaysThese days("These days" is more appropriate in academic writing) , some people believe that they have to choose a particular job that they love to do in order to be happier.happy.

- However, in my opinion, there are other things that affectto have thepeople's happiness. (what do you mean by "other things" ? you need to be clear. Outlining your ideas are important to the coherence of your essay)

4th paragraph:
- In conclusion, i believe that to be................impacts to our happiness as well.(Too simplistic and too general. It is better to paraphrase your thesis statement in brief rather than simply restate your introduction)

Overall, your body paragraphs also have some errors related to fragmented sentences and spelling errors. You can try to check them in Microsoft Word by turn the spell-checker and grammar-checker on. Try to be more careful in the next practice. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Technology in education: Disadvantages (people rely too much on computers) [2]

Hi Siti, the detailed descriptions below are my remarks toward your essay development. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

- NowadaysThese days,the sophisticated technology has increased dramatically, likeparticularly computer and internet.
- ThereThey have a lot of advantages for education.
- However, it is unfortunate that people rely too much on computers, especially the Internet.
- The information that they got from theon Internet makes them acquire all answers that they needed without having toprior practice.
- As a consequence,consequently they become passive and insociabledo not socialize , as if ittheydiddo not need a teacher, because they can learn everything on their own through inthe Internet.

- Another disadvantage is that they do not become proficient inbecome lack of some basic skills and being indifferent to the environment.become different than others.

- The Internet gives youpeople information about how to work in teams or become a good leader, but youpeople cannot feel how is it like to bebecame a real member of team or a leader.

- Theyyou only get a theory from the Internet, but not in practice.
- Moreover,the Internet cannot filter information for users, people can easily obtain any information that they want...

As you can see Siti, there are some corrections that might be useful for your future practices. Good luck for the next one :)

Writing Feedback / Emissions if Cows Keep Cutting the Cheese? [2]

Hi Eka, here's my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- Amount of methane come from respiration and manure of cattle. (this sentence seems stand alone. You need to link this sentence to the previous sentence to make your paragraph coherent.) To illustrate:

>> ... is opposed by a local dairy industry. This is because some amount of methane come from respiration ...
- ...it is counted as 25 times more than carbon...

2nd paragraph:
- Then, government areis now currently considering a law about cattle diet.
- Government aims toforenforceenforcing new manure management practices that can help to diminish amount...
- ...reduce methane emission by 40 percent byin 2030, from the year of 2013 levels.

3rd paragraph:
- ...this regulation has been refused by dairy companies.
- They claimed that it was just a strategy to felldrag the future of California dairy industry down .
- InOn the other sidehand , the Earth has witnessed (...) change for the latestlast 14 months...
- Until At the moment, California has adjusted the idea...

As you can see Eka, there are still some modifications that are necessary to be addressed in revising your article summary. I hope this is helpful :)

Undergraduate / Vassar Supplement - Advice whether it sounds too generic [3]

Hi Alex, welcome to EssayForum :)

I would like to share some insights towards your essay. I hope the feedback that I would like to share to you will be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- The aspect of Vassar that allures me the most isThe academic and individual freedom that the students' have are the most alluring aspects of Vassar.(Your previous sentence was too mainstream. Try to be more creative by paraphrasing the question or the prompt given.)

- I was able to exactknow why did the university appealedappeal to me so much.

2nd paragraph:
- Each one had theirhis or her own personality and their own quirks. andThen,each I felt that I had created theirhis or her own identity.

- There wasn'twere not just musicians,...
- I could imagine myself playing onone of the many Steinway pianos...

I have a different opinion regarding to how you judge your own essay. I think this essay has already answered the prompt well. You have clearly mentioned or answered it clearly about what aspects from Vassar that you've found appealing. Perhaps, the thing that you need to add in the last sentence of this essay is that you have to mention your "hope". Your hope to be admitted or accepted to study in that college.

Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / 'the role of a lovable redheaded orphan' - Common Application essay [2]

Hi Johnson, welcome to EssayForum :)

I would like to share my insights about your common application essay. First of all, the thing that you need to put before posting a common application essay is a prompt. The reader will feel difficult in reading or checking the whole content of your essay without a proper prompt in the beginning to determine whether your essay has already answered the prompt or not. This is the most essential part before posting your essay.

Somehow, I am a little bit confused about where should "common application essay" belong. If this is an academic essay, I think that the use of contractions should be avoided in order to keep the essay looks formal. You have unconsciously used many of them in your essay. Contractions, I assume, should only be appeared in speaking and informal writing.

The good thing is that your essay has only minor flaws related to grammatical range and accuracy. This is a plus point that might help you achieve your desirable goal later on after you submitting your common application essay.

As you can see Johnson, I hope those views about your essay would be helpful in your final draft later on. If you wish to let me or other members read and check your essay further related to the content. Please upload the "prompt" below my message. This is because, some universities have their own prompts related to a common application essay. :)

Writing Feedback / Racial Inequality in U.K. Is Getting Worse, Report Finds [2]

Hi Azmi, I would like to go straightforward to check and give my best feedback in this article summary. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.

- Some minorities in the United Kingdom will face hate crime circumstancesissues due to the effect of Brexit.
- Moreover, itThis is a "deep-rooted" issue that can possiblymake it evenbecome worse.
- There wereSome reports from British police in England and Wales mentioned that...
- It has affected to , not onlyboth the black community, but alsoand the ethnic community. whichThis makes them havefeel no longer belonging belongs inat home, the Modern Britain.

- David Isaac, the chair of Equality and (...) must be urged and doubled orotherwise racial tensions ...
- There are several reportS that convince what...
- ... racial inequality and to monitor progress also .

There you have it Azmi, I hope you can consider my help above as meaningful. Good luck for the next summary practice :)

Writing Feedback / The breakdown of the number of dwellers who are elderly people in Great Britain (1985-2035) [2]

Hi Reza, here's my analysis towards your essay.

1st paragraph:
- TheA breakdown of the information about the number of elder dwellers who are elderly people in Great Britain between ...
- Overall, It is important to notice that, Wales breaks broke and predicted to break the record as the highest proportion in both ofthe above-mentioned years.

- While 2035 is going to witnessillustrates vast number in all of countries, the converse appearsis more likely to be true in the another year.

2nd paragraph:
- ... population's number will grow dramatically by far in 2035.
- It is predictablepredicted to be escalatedescalatingsince suchbecause thatcountry(what country? unclear information is dangerous) also had the largest societies aged over 65s in previous year.

- The highest one is followed by England in 1985 but such positioneventually, that position will be overtaken ...

As you can see Reza, there are still some grammatical flaws exist. It is suggested to pay more attention to them because it is one of the four essential criteria in IELTS writing task 1. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Juveniles tendency to suspend their university degree by working or traveling for a year. [3]

Hi Sofi, it seems that you have a lot of projects recently. Anyway, I would like to try to do my best in giving the most sincere and meaningful feedback towards your essay. I hope that this would be helpful to your writing skill development. Therefore, the detailed descriptions below are my

First paragraph:
- Recently, Juvenilesjuveniles have a tendency to suspend their ...
- People believe that this phenomenon would lead adolescents to get ...
- However, others commentary explainmention that it will bring a plenty of demerits for juvenileS .

It is really unfortunate that this essay has no thesis statement because you've only paraphrased the question. Thesis statement and its outline are the main criteria if you want to reach band 6 or above. The outline of your thesis statement is to link the paragraphs together. Thus, I would like to show you how to write a thesis statement.

- Paraphrase question: These days, teenagers have a tendency to postpone their undergraduate degree by working or traveling for about one year.
- Thesis statement (including outline) This essay will first suggest that juveniles can get the primary benefit by suspending their studies and secondly, they can get psychological problem due to unstable emotion that they have.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Explaining two tables about the reasons to travel abroad and the destinations [4]

Hi Hirani, welcome to EF! :)

Here's my analysis towards your essay for each paragraph. I hope that you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- The good point from this paragraph is that you have good grammatical control, especially tenses usage. There were only minor flaws occurred, like .... sincefrom 1994 untilto 1998. However, it is unfortunate that you've also made a mistake in this paragraph, particularly in writing an overview. An overview of the chart/graph/table given is supposed to be either in the first paragraph or the last paragraph. Missing an overview would badly damage the final grade of your scoring. This mistake will drag your score down to 5.0. So, my suggestion is do NOT forget to write one.

2nd paragraph:
- There are four reasons of visitors to go out of the country.
- There areforfourtypes of holidays , for instance for business, for meeting their relatives and friends, and other reasons. (use synonyms, repetitiveness will also badly damage your score)

- Lots of people went to holiday in 1998. It was around 20000approximately 20,000 people. (the following rule about number is important in IELTS. In Indonesia, people use 20.000 to indicate that it is more than a thousand but here, people use 20,000 (comma instead of period.) You can get used to write numbers in UK/US format.)

As you can see Hirani, some suggestions have been stated clearly in order to enhance your writing skill. Feel free to ask anything if you think you need further assistance. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Brits spent much more money than other Europeans on some consumer goods [3]

Hi Nurul, here's my analysis of your essay.

1st paragraph:
... expenditure on six distinct products. (stop here, new sentence)Itand is measured in thousand pounds sterling.
- Overall, it is immediately apparent, that Britain people spend more ...
(I'm afraid that this overview is too general. Too simplistic. Try to write a complex sentence in overview by using connector(s). You can mention not only the highest but the lowest as well.)

2nd paragraph:
- A closer look to the data reveals thatTo begin with, Britain and France have ...
(it seems like an overview. It is because there is no appropriate cohesive device(s) to help you address the main point of this sentence. That is one of the examples.)

3rd paragraph:
- Expenditure of tennis racquets follow a similar pattern. (period However or comma but)However, the number in each items is less than perfumes, at about 150.

Overall, the essay is well-written. I like the tenses consistency that you've maintained in this essay. Keep up the good work and mind all the corrections above. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / A Carnival, not A Crusade. Essay about the influence of Rio Olympic Games to Brazil [4]

Hi Henry, welcome to EssayForum :) It is really nice to have a new member in this remarkable website. I hope that my feedback would be helpful towards your writing skill development. Therefore, you can see the detailed analysis of your essay in the descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- ...the Summer Olympic Game will first touch the Southern America, held in Rio... (I assume that the Olympic game hasn't started yet)
- WithThe opening ceremony is imminent. This makes people increasingly set considerable stores byestablish considerable number of stores in this carnival.

2nd paragraph:
- It is first started with theStart with economy.
... , handicraft industry, (comma needed) and high-technology industry.
- However, Brazil is sufferinghad suffered its worst recession since ...
- On June 1st, (comma needed) the government reported that GDP was contracted by 0.3% in real ...
Thisiswas 5% smaller than it was a year earlier. (space needed after period) Over two years, (space needed after comma) the number of (...) a swelling number of manufactoriesmanufactures have been idle, and production has slumped to 60% compared with its heyday in 2009.

As you can see Henry, I think that by considering my feedback above, it will be beneficial towards your further revision of this essay. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. You can just upload the revision below my message. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / TED Video 3: Reduce Pancreatic Cancer Diseases [2]

Hi Fadhilah, here's my analysis of your video summary.

1st paragraph:
- PancreasPancreatic cancer is a disease which make many people died.that kills many people.
- The result of a survey in 2016 by ....... obtained,has resulted that pancreatic cancers is the third high rate to make people died.of all types were the seventh most common cause of cancer deaths, resulting in 330,000 deaths globally.

- The other surveys have found that the percentage of people who can survive withfrom cancer disease showshas showed tiny percentage at 8% than breast cancer at 89%.

- Also, the average of dieddeath caused by pancreatic cancer has notdid not have significant difference as long asthan 49 years ago.

From the feedback of the 1st paragraph, it can be concluded that the rest of your paragraphs have similar grammatical issues, especially in sentence structure. You need to work harder in the next summarizing practice by maintaining the correct sentence structure and pay more attention on the tenses usage. Hopefully you can get some improvements in the next practice :)