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Posts by ichanpants89 [Contributor]
Name: Mochtar Muhtadi Iksan
Joined: Jan 14, 2016		 Last Post: Nov 18, 2017
Threads: 16
Posts: 777  
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From: Indonesia
School: Muhammadiyah University of Jember

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ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 25, 2016
Essays / The Flowers by Alice Walker, 4-5 Page Term Paper. Need help selecting a topic [3]

Bianca, I would like to give you a warm welcome to EssayForum family. I hope you can give your best in improving your writing skill here, either posting essays or correcting others' essays. Since this post is only about asking opinion, I am certain that in the near future you are going to upload the progress of your essay in this website. Therefore, just do your best, do not hesitate to convey your feedback towards other members in this forum. I am pretty sure that as long as it is helpful and constructive, members and moderators in this website would appreciate your work.:)

By the way, I share the same opinion with Xuan. Exploring the story which focused on protagonist character would be nice, since most of well-known stories usually focus on the protagonist character much more frequent than any other antagonist characters. If your chosen short story is about The Flowers (Alice Walker), I think that would be matched the third prompt given. As I've read, if I am not mistaken, there are two characters in that story, the first one is Myop, and the second character is 'a tall man (unknown name)'. So, if you focus on the main character, who is also protagonist, then your 4-5 term paper will be developed smoothly.
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 25, 2016
Undergraduate / "Exploring my abilities" Transfer Waitlist Personal Statement for UC Davis [4]

Limonov, welcome to EssayForum! This is the place where you can find a lot of valuable feedback regarding to many types of essays. Most of the members here are struggling hard to convey their point of view towards other members' essays, which I hope you would be able to do that too. By having peer-correction amidst others, you will definitely enhance your writing skills, particularly in academic writing.

With regards to your essay, I noticed that the ideas were well-informed and pretty much understandable. The reader will not experience any difficulties in reading your writing. However, the thing that you need to take into account is how the way you close / end your essay, especially in personal statement essay like this. Thus, by reading my sample conclusion below, perhaps will help you to obtain any insights. Enjoy!

Yours:
- I sincerely hope that I get the opportunity to build my education and career ...

Mine:
- In sum, I am looking forwards to being successfully admitted to study with the University of *********************** for the sake of my personal as well as my professional development.
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Generating electricity from sea waves. IELTS Writing task 1- The process chart [6]

Hi Xuan, I just want to continue what other members doing on this essay. The thing is, you have already got your grammar reviewed by one of contributors of EssayForum. The next matter that you need to take into consideration is the exact minimum sentences in composing a paragraph. You need to complete the way you present the information from the diagram by presenting at least three sentences in a single paragraph. So, this following sentences need to be revised:

Turning to the second chart, when a wave retreats.... (1st sentence)

It reduces the turbine remain..... (2nd sentence)

The turbine rotates in only..... (3rd sentence)

By composing at least three sentences minimum for a paragraph, you will accomplish the minimum requirements of a solid paragraph. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the diagram you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Good luck for the next one :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent... [4]

Xiao, your flow of ideas is understandable, and quite informative. I didn't see any problems when you tried to explain your idea briefly. Yet, I think that you need to maintain your writing style as balance as possible, since somehow you still made some mistakes, which confused the reader (examiner). Now, you can see my feedback below:

- ...by violence(noun) and tough(adjective) that poses a pernicious threat to the global peace and harmony. (Remember, in a parallel sentence separated by coordinating conjunction 'and' should use the same part of speech. Ex: Noun and noun, adjective and adjective)

- ...leaders who give priority to(prioritize) the economic... (instead of using 2 words 'give priority', it is better to compress it becomes 1 word 'prioritize'.)
- Nowadays, the power of national leaders areis .......... (the subject is 'the power')
- ...opposed by his/her counterparts (instead of 'his/her', it is better 'his or her' or 'their' (make it plural))
- ...occurred in the world village. (village and world, both of them are NOUN, perhaps you can choose one of them)
- ...the gender of leaders areis by... (the subject is gender)

There you are xiao, I think if you are able to be more aware in composing this task, you will attain 7 or perhaps more than that. Keep trying! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 "Percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world" [5]

Zizou, I reckon that you didn't have any problems with grammar, since the majority of sentences were error-free. You were also able to use a variety of complex structures accurately. Yet, there were still few errors, which made your sentence became ambiguous. This is what I've found:

- .....more than half of the water there is consumed for this category. (the word 'there' can refers to previous place which you mentioned before, or it refers to nowhere, which sounds like it is separated 'there is consumed for this category'.)

Then, despite some errors, I found that your essay consisted of 230 words. This is not suggested in IELTS task 1, because you will definitely waste your time. Remember, this task should be done in not more than 20 minutes, you just only need to compress the information as good as possible. So, my suggestion for this one. You need to manage your time well. Perhaps for the next practice, you can do these following steps:

- the first 5minutes for grouping and analyze the graph/chart/picture
- another 10minutes for composing the answer (at least 170 - 190 words, 3 paragraphs, each paragraph consists of at least 3 sentences minimum)
- the last 5minutes for checking grammar, content, and avoid repetition.

Good luck for the next one, and welcome to EssayForum :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - land degradation problem. Some causes which negatively affect the fertility of lands [5]

Yao, instead of separating these sentences:

- The two charts show the reasons of land degradation and the percentage of each reason in three different regions in the world.

- It could be found that over-grazing has the biggest impact on land productivity loss compared with other factors. Lands in Europe see the highest degree of degradation up to 23%.

It is better for you to combine it. This because you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only one sentence and two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented.

Just bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

On the other hand, your first body and second body paragraph was already well-written. That was very informative and clear. Perhaps the thing that you need to improve is how the way you use wide range of vocabularies, because I still saw some repetitions there, such as degradation 3times, major (twice), deforestation (twice).

Good luck for the next posts :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 20, 2016
Scholarship / I plan to take all my prerequisite classes and then apply to the Dental Hygiene program. Goals essay [5]

Theresa, it was really nice to have you here as a part of EssayForum family. I will try to do my best to give some corrections regarding to your grammatical problems. You can see it below:

- My name is Theresa Knight. I am... (period, then make a new sentence)
- ...my prerequisite classes, and then apply... (comma needed)
- this fall. andI am not only going to complete them, but also to do well in the classes also.
- ...as well as possible that way. (period, make a new sentence)
- when it comes time to applying forto a time for applying the Dental Hygiene program.
- ...my attention on my study's.studies.
- the biggest thingmatter('thing' is less formal)
- ...next generation about how important it is to take care of their teeth by themselves. ('themselves' are standing alone without any references, then I gave you additional words)

- ...I am committed to working my hardest in school and continuing to look (parallel sentence, should be the same format)

For the content, I guess it was quite understandable, well-said, all ideas are also presented well. I like the way you give an example about your son, which was really touching. Good luck on revising it Theresa :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / An introductory part of my essay writing practice. [6]

Akbar, it seems you gain many improvements in this essay. It was well-written and understandable. I like the way you put some cohesive devices clearly and appropriately. You also had a good grammatical control by using some variety of complex structures and most of your sentences were error-free. I think you are ready to write the next part of your essay. Perhaps, my suggestion is that you can close your introduction part by generalizing the main idea, either re-state by paraphrasing it or make a concluding sentence in the end of your introduction. Also, I am a little bit distracted when you put 'etc' in an academic writing. I think it was not a good idea. It indicates many possibilities, which most of them are negative. It shows that you are running out of examples, running out of ideas, or lazy to give additional example/explanation/idea. Even, some people define ETC as End of Thinking Capacity. Therefore, you should replace it by another word or perhaps just end it there. The point is, do not let your sentence wide open to ambiguity and negative thoughts to the reader.

Good luck for the next part! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / International communication online. Distance is not a main problem in connecting people anymore. [5]

Hi Avini, I notice that you've made many noticeable errors there. Sorry to say that those errors were actually a basic / fundamental problem which can be avoided easily if you are really aware of it. I think you should mind the corrections that I've made below:

- Online communication has been advanced (by who? or what? I think it can be 'scientists') nowadays (passive voice without agent is okay if the context is already obvious. In this sentence, it doesn't.)

- someone in oversea(s)
- Beside ofDespite many benefits brought by international communication online, it also brings several drawbacks. (inaccurate grammar like this will damage your score, be careful next time, especially when it comes to tenses inconsistency(ies))

- number of people around the world . (Simple punctuation mistake(s) can possible lead to a bad score. After completing a sentence, end it directly by using 'period(.)' )

- 2,2 millions. (British or USA are using 'period' instead of 'comma' to present decimal number, but for a thousand, is usually like this $2,100 = two thousand dollars)

- . we can say that Geographical (Capital letter is a MUST when you start a new sentence)
- Due to spreading internet connection in almost every place in the entire of the earth, news and information now are accessible and up-to-date. It will surely makemakes people pampered and enable them to communicate with everybody elsewhere . (remember about tenses inconsistency like what I've said earlier)

Besides these errors, I reckon that you have done pretty good in arranging the idea of your essay. Yet, some conclusion(s) were missing. You have to make at least 1 concluding sentence inside a paragraph, especially body 1 and body 2 paragraph. This will make your essay become more intact and understandable. I hope you follow through my corrections and feedback. Good luck for the next practice :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / I do really appreciates for all comments and suggestions for my abstract draft. [3]

Hi Akbar, I would like to say Welcome to EssayForum. I know that this was a little bit too late, because most of the posts which have already answered by other members are more likely to go down below others' essay. I hope that you can be an active member in this forum later on, since it will possibly give you many valuable benefits in order to develop your academic writing skills. Make sure that you give a constructive feedback amidst other members, because as you know, meaningless feedback will definitely lead to a suspension, which is so unfortunate.

However, I notice that your essay was well-written. I like the way you deliver the information, which was understandable. The flow of ideas was also fine, very informative and clear. Yet, some grammatical problems still occurred, particularly in deciding what kind of tenses which is appropriate for every sentence in the paragraph. Somehow, I reckon that you were a little bit confused about that. This is what I've found:

- The finding revealed that(past tense? since there is no exact time signal, perhaps present perfect suits better than this one) among six students, three out of them are able(I am also little bit confuse about this. Your previous sentence said 'will be applied', which means it hasn't happened yet) to execute moderate revision and the other three only produce near copy.

- the finding suggests the (you switched again to present tense, after explaining a past research)
- ...scope due toin order to investigate some possible... (I think this sentence also didn't mean to explain cause and effect, so 'in order to' is more appropriate to the meaning itself)

My further suggestion is that, you need to be aware on picking the appropriate tenses on your essay. It seems like you keep switching the tenses in which it confuses the reader sometimes. So, I am waiting for the revision or perhaps some clarification or explanation from you regarding to your essay development. Keep writing Akbar :) Good Luck!
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Essay about learning languages - English precisely - which is the primary language in many countries [3]

Hi Arej, I would like to say Welcome to EssayForum :) This is the place where you can get many benefits, especially when it comes to academic writing, essays, research paper or many other types of writing. Then, I would like to try to give comprehensive feedback towards your essay.

At first, I think your mistakes are mostly about punctuation. There were many of them on your whole essay. I would like to remind you, just in case if you already forgot this. After finishing your sentence, you should end it by putting 'period', just exactly after the letter was complete. Do not ever try to add one more space after that. Just like what I did here, you can observe it carefully. Starting a sentence, you HAVE to use a CAPITAL letter. I have found many errors like this in your essay. Now, you can check the detailed corrections below.

- ...speaks English.,thereforeTherefore , the people who do not not know it, try their best to try and learn it. (better make a new sentence, if you combine them, it becomes confusing)

- However. , learning... (you have problem with this space and period)
- ...helps to improve language skills . (when you finish your sentence, no need to give a space)
- ...learn from their mistake and and do not feel ashamed (repetitive conjunctions, redundancy)
- ...learn , hard working is the (another 'space' problem)
- ...be success at the end . (this one seems like frequent problems)
- ...requires a lot of repetition(s) , and commitment(s) .
- . startingStarting with the most basic words then making sentences with them over and... (use capital letter when starting a new sentence)
- for example ,pocketfor example, pocket(mind the 'space')
- AndIn addition, there are a lot of sources... (when writing an academic essay, AVOID using 'coordinating conjunctions, such as 'and, but, or' to start the sentence. Better use cohesive device)

- Starting with studying the alphabet and then the basic words. (missing verb, confuse the reader)
- the best way to learn . (another space problem)

There you are arej, I am so sorry that this was the only thing that I was able to help. Perhaps after you finish revising your punctuation problems, I can follow through your essay by checking the content and the flow of your ideas. Keep practicing. :) I am waiting for the next one.
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Local People Have Less Interest to Museum ___ IELTS Task 2 [2]

Ansor, I think you need a lot of works to do to revise your essay for the sake of your improvement. This is because you accidentally have poor grammatical controls, especially when it comes to composing complex sentences. Those complex sentences were so confusing, it distracted my concentration. Remember, examiner is not a mind-reader. You have to bear in mind that you have to make your sentence as clear as possible in order to attain a good score from the examiner. My suggestion for you is that, if you are not really aware still about composing complex sentences, try to write the simpler one, or compound sentences. It will strongly affect your development in writing. If you are able to compose a lot of perfect simple sentences in an essay, this will help you to gain a good score for at least 6.0 for grammatical range and accuracy part. Now, for a breakdown of grammatical errors, with corrections applied.

- However,But , there is a problem
- ...to visit and the figures of them increase significantly for every year. (avoid making a confusing sentence like this, remember that coordinating conjunction 'and' should related to the same idea or equal)

- ...case, iI strongly believe...
- in thesome historical places...
- , and then some methods can be taken to convince the regional tourists to visit. (hung sentence, missing object, which makes it incomplete. I think it is better you compose a new sentence for this one)

- ...tourists reckonthink that... (reckon is only for speaking, not for an academic writing, it is an informal word)
- museum or exhibition or places (redundancy, the position of two coordinating conjunctions were too close)

Spelling errors:
- attrack = attract
- entrence = entrance
- domectic = domestic

I hope you follow through my feedback for your future enhancement later on. Good Luck! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: A construction in the island to improve the tourists facilities [3]

Anaguna, I did some contributions and corrections to your essay, especially on grammatical issues, punctuation, and word formation. You can see it below:

- Overall, it is immediately apparent that.. (there is NO time signal which indicates that this is an immediate situation, putting 'immediately' there makes your sentence become inaccurate)

- To begin with ,...
- it is going to be situated... (remember, future)
- the human's cottages (cottage is usually for human / people. adding 'human' before 'cottage' makes it redundant)
- continue towards the beach...
- cottages and continue toward the beach and it is.. (to avoid redundancy, better separate it and make a new sentence)

My suggestion is that you should maximize your effort in composing a paragraph. 2-sentence paragraph is not adequate to support the idea of your first sentence, therefore your paragraph will be considered as incomplete. If you keep doing this in your next practice or even in a real test, this is going to badly damage your final grade of your essay. I notice that you only wrote 160 words. You can push your limit to compose at least 170 - 190 words for an essay Task 1.

I hope you follow through my feedback and mind some corrections that I gave to you. Keep writing :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:The only way to improve road safety is to impose severe punishment for driving offences. [3]

Xiao, I would like to assess your essay based on 4 essential aspects on IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors. Those are Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical range and Accuracy.

Task Response:
You were able to address all parts of the task, however, some parts were still fully covered than others. Your position was also relevant even though your conclusion seemed too short and not fully developed or covered the general idea of the task (agree or disagree). Perhaps it is better to re-state it again in the conclusion. Therefore, I can only give you 6.0 for this part.

Coherence and Cohesion:
Your information was well-arranged and there was a clear overall progression, but somehow your reference was unclear and some cohesive devices were inaccurate. Sadly, I cannot go further than 6.0 in this part.

Lexical Resource:
This is the best part of your essay. You were able to maintain a wide range of vocabularies. I like the way you put some less common lexical items there and you were aware of some proper collocations. For this reason, I can give you 7.0 in this part.

Grammatical range and accuracy:
You have a good grammar control by using some complex and simple sentences accurately. Although some errors about punctuation and conjunction persisted, it did not have a serious detrimental effect towards your essay. Therefore, you can go up to 6.5 for this one.

Overall, in my view, your essay is worth between 6.5 - 7.0. However, this is just a prediction score, not an actual one. I've tried my best to give a comprehensive assessment towards your essay. I hope this is helpful for you. :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1 :The changes that have occurred in selected area, around school area [3]

Hengki, if you make confusing sentence like this:

- The changes that have occurred in selected area, around school area, there were two periods of continuous development, each period of 30 years, starting from 1950, then 1980 and 2010 is demonstrated in the map.

and these:
- Overall, it can be seen that , the most noticeable change was the replacement of houses and farmland with several projectsbuildings, and then these change with other projectsit followed by another expansion in the next 30-year period.

- ....over the 30 years.
- Turning into the second period, the next 30 years, in 2010. (missing verb, what happen in 2010?)
- Car park located to the left of science block extended the area.was located next to science block in 1980.

will badly damage your score.

Therefore, I would like to give my insight towards your introduction, since I notice that your mistake is quite similar to your previous essay. You were confused on how to paraphrase the question in your introduction paragraph. Let me try to give you an example:

- The map illustrates the information about the changes which have been occurred in the chosen area from 1950 to 2010.

As you can see, it is quite simple, but it is understandable. This is what I suggest you should do for the next essay. Just remember that INACCURATE complex sentences will drop your score directly to 5.0. due to what band descriptor said:

- attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences

So, avoid using complex sentences if you are not really sure about it. After you have mastered to make most of your simple sentences become accurate, you can try to improve your writing by trying to write some complex sentences later on.

Keep writing! Good Luck Hengki! I know you can do it! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS_What do you think youth unemployment will cause to the individual and the society? [4]

Sophie, I would like to try to assess your writing based on public band descriptors of IELTS task 2. This is what band 7 writing looks like:

Task Response:• addresses all parts of the task
• presents a clear position throughout the response
• presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus
Feedback:
- I think that all parts have already been addressed by you. Then, your clear position throughout the response is also clear. However, unfortunately, your suggestion is too general. This made you failed to elaborate or emphasize key points of your ideas. Composing multiple idea paragraphs is good, but you need to go the extra mile for that. I think in this case, one idea paragraph is still better, as long as you can extend and support your main ideas. In fact, why did you only write 251 words? you can maximize your effort in this part.

Coherence and Cohesion:• logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
• uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
• presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Feedback:
- For this one, I think your cohesive devices are still limited and there are some repetitions, and some of them are common. However, you are still able to present a clear central within each paragraph, which is good.

Lexical Resource:• uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
• uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
• may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
Feedback:
-I didn't see less common lexical items and I noticed some repetitive words here, you mentioned 'for instance' twice, and 'unemployment' six times. I reckon that using 'personal pronoun(s)' are okay, but over-using it is not appropriate for an academic essay. So, you still cannot reach this stage.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:• uses a variety of complex structures
• produces frequent error-free sentences
• has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
Feedback:
- In the part of 'frequent error-free sentences' are okay. You also had good control of grammar and punctuation, even there were few errors such as 'not only...., but also' (missing comma), number of apprentice(s) (should be plural). Unfortunately, your variety of complex structures were not so wide.

Having said that, in my view, I guess this essay is worth between 6.0 and 6.5.
Do not think that this is your actual score, I just try to do my best to give a comprehensive assessment towards your essay.
Best of luck for the next one! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The number of visitor to and from the UK over the period from 1979 to 1999 [3]

Hi Hengky, I notice that you were confused on how to write a proper introduction paragraph for multiple charts/graphs. Sorry to say that your first sentence is quite confusing to the reader, and this will not impress the examiner at all. Therefore, it will badly damage your final grade of the essay, since a band 6 score requires you to compose a good one. For this reason, I would like to try to help you by giving an example of my own version of introductory paragraph and its overview towards the general trends of both line and bar chart. Check this out:

The number of visitor to and from the UK

A breakdown of the information about the number of travelers who visit to and from UK, and the most well-known countries which visited by UK citizens is depicted in the bar chart and the line graph. Both chart and graph are measured in millions of people from the year 1979 to 1999, and UK travelers in 1999. Overall, it is noticeable that, UK citizens were highly likely to go abroad, which predominantly interested in visiting France in the end of the period.

There you are Hengky, I hope you follow through my feedback. Good Luck for the next practice :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The process of milk making on some dairy products such as cheese, cream, butter and milk [5]

Mimi, I have no idea what is wrong with this essay, but I feel difficult to understand your essay completely. I think it is because you forgot to upload the image so I couldn't give you a detailed corrections towards your errors and mistakes. So, next time do not even forget to upload the image, despite it will make us difficult, I am afraid that the moderator in this forum will suspend you for posting an unclear post like this. Now, for some corrections about your grammatical issues, with corrections applied.

- ......which can be consumeconsumedbeby many kind of product (it is still a confusing sentence even though I've corrected it, since you didn't show us the picture)

- the bottlebottles of milk are then labledlabelled ...
- it can be delivered to many shops.
- the milk is ready to besalesold in supermarket...
- Turning to other productproducts by different stage, it... (comma needed)
- ...can also be prosessedprocessedin dairydaily
- ready to consumptionbe consumed like cheese...

I hope my insight towards your essay is helpful enough to improve your writing. I would like to remind you once again, picture is essential in IELTS writing task 1.
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Lakeside town changes have occurred during 2000 to 2009 was illustrated in the map [2]

Tria, I notice that your tenses consistency is good. I think you can do better than this one, but don't worry, it doesn't mean that your essay is bad. This is because there is no perfect or flawless writing after all. Everyone needs improvement, even me myself, I also still need many improvements in IELTS writing. My suggestion for you is that, besides being more aware on composing a sentence, perhaps you can extend your number of words for at least 165 or 195 words. It is because, extending the words will enhance your lexical resource score. You can see the criteria for a band 6 writing below:

- uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
- attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy

Therefore, I think you can also reduce some repetitive words in your essay by extending your words limit. Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical, spelling and punctuation issues, with corrections applied.

- wasis illustrated in the map.
- Overall, the most noticeable change is that, the replacement...
- Also, it can be seen clearly that the (you have made an overview on your introduction, you don't need to make it again)
- became larger thenthan it was..

Keep practicing Tria :) Good Luck!
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The differences in the arrangements of Woodward University over thirty one years from 1985 until now [3]

Maya, composing an IELTS task 1 writing is somewhat challenging, especially when it comes to map or diagram process. Deciding the wrong tenses when starting to write your paragraph will definitely ruin the whole essay. Actually, there are several methods of making map essay, which is related to what I have read from your essay.

Firstly, you have to be able to distinguish the difference between past perfect and present perfect. If you are talking / writing about something which is happened in the past, of course the tenses should be either past perfect or simple past tense. Your essay is somewhat different, the time signal is already clear I guess, you put 'year' there, but why did you use present perfect tense? It is so unfortunate. Secondly, if you list your ideas by saying 'firstly', do not left it hanging there. Therefore, you need to write 'secondly' for your second list. Lastly, it is not suggested to combine two type of tenses if you are not really aware or really sure about it. Remember, clarity is the king. Unclear or confusing sentence will badly damage your final grade. Somehow, simple sentences are still better than 'confusing' complex sentences.

I hope you find my feedback is valuable towards your development in writing. Keep practicing Maya :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: spending income on three fast food categories in 1990 [4]

Mimi, while most people are having problem with their 'too short' introduction, you have a 'rare' problem with 'too bulky' introduction. I notice that perhaps you were a little bit confuse about the general trends which you put in your introduction, since there were two charts there, bar chart and line graph. My suggestion is that, try to compress it become one or two sentences overview. For example, the first clause is for the bar chart, the second clause explaining the general trend of the line graph. Let me try to help you creating an alternative for that:

A comparison of the information about the United Kingdom spending on three types of fast food according to income groups is depicted in the bar chart and the line graph. It is measured in percentage and the number of meals between 1970 and 1990. Overall, it can be seen that, hamburger attracted high income group the most, while its rate was significantly increased over 2-decade period.

As you can see, a proper general trend or overview in the introduction can be compressed into three sentences.
I hope you find my feedback is useful and I would be glad to see another post of your writing soon :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Attention should be given to colour schemes when decorating places such as offices and hospitals [5]

Hi Essay Forum members :)

Please give me some relevant feedback about Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar on this visual writing.

Psychologists have known for many years that colour can affect how people feel. For this reason, attention should be given to colour schemes when decorating places such as offices and hospitals.

How true is this statement?
How far does colour influence people's health and capacity for work?

ANSWER

For many years ago, an outstanding discovery by psychologists has revealed that colour has been possible to influence people's feeling. This makes them think that offices and hospitals should be properly refurbished according to certain colour spectrum. However, this statement is totally true due to its profound effect towards individuals' emotion in which can go beyond what people can imagine.

With regards to the validity of the assertion regarding to whether or not it can influence people, it is obvious that according to a finding in Oxford University in 2009 mentioned that 83% of offices in the United Kingdom picked brightly colourful paint-job for the building and 76% of hospitals considered pastel colour to relax their patients. This finding leads to mainstream views of workers and patients that employees feel motivated by bright colour and patients feel relaxed by pastel colour. For example, Google Company uses many attractive colours which based on their theme, such as green, red, and yellow, whereas St Mary's hospital has combination of pastel colours in each patient's room. Therefore, the statement about colour is able to influence individuals' feeling is inevitably true.

However, colour is powerful. It is also possible to trigger bad occurrence either in offices or hospitals. This is because lack of attention towards colour for decorating the building, for instance, if a patient or employee has dark-coloured room, patient is going to feel depressed, and worker will feel bored. Thus, offices and hospitals should be more careful in selecting the colour that they are going to use to decorate the room.

In conclusion, selecting an appropriate colour for offices and hospitals is crucial due to its tremendous effects to individuals' emotion. This statement is definitely true. I personally recommend that all hospitals and offices should implement the same action for the sake of better influence in both places.

In conclusion, selecting an appropriate colour for offices and hospitals is crucial due to its tremendous effects to individuals' emotion. This statement is definitely true. I personally recommend that all hospitals and offices should implement the same action for the sake of better influence in both places.
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The alteration of Headly Village a small village near Fonton - in over nine decades period [3]

Ivan, seems like you have many writing projects in this weekend. Therefore, I would like to do my best to give valuable feedback towards your essay. I reckon that you've made wrong decision in making most of your sentences become present perfect tense. The thing is you should clearly mark the time signal, I think the map is adequately stated that it was in 1925, 1975, and today. Thus, first body should be in past / past perfect, second body still in the same tenses, and the last body paragraph (if you make 3 body paragraphs) should be in present or present perfect form due to the time signal (today / recent). Now, for a breakdown for your grammatical issues, apply the corrections below:

- for moreover than nine decades.. (inappropriate word for a comparison)
- Overall, it can be seen that, Headly Village hashad ... (should be in past perfect/past tense)
- infrastructure have also increased had increased over the.. (should be in past perfect/past tense)
- The small road havehad improved..(should be in past perfect/past tense)
- ...park which havehas been...

There you are Ivan. I hope my help is fruitful in improving your writing skill.

Good Luck and Keep writing :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The making process of a weather forecast report [3]

Maya, some modifications have been made by me. I hope you find that this is helpful:

- Although all of the data are processedinon the same computer, the steps differ initially in the data source, which account for the variation of analysis and forecasting information about the results.

- Having beenAfter being installed,
- three different data sources:, such as satellite, radar and drifting buoy collect all of weather information from the space, land and ocean, respectively. (no comma needed)

- In this stepAt this stage,
- ...signals to illustrate synoptic chart and . (full stop, make a new sentence to avoid redundancy, inaccurate complex sentence, and ambiguity)

Overall, I notice that you gain some improvements by practicing writing, most of your sentences are understandable. Yet, you need to be more aware about composing some complex sentences, because inaccurate complex sentence will lead you to a bad score. Even IELTS public writing band descriptors of TASK 1 is also mentioned that accurate simple sentence is still better than inaccurate complex sentence. For example, your introduction, you seem like forcing yourself to compose only 2 sentences, then you failed to do so. Your 'complex' sentence becomes inappropriate and confusing.
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: Four categories of films which were screened in the United Kingdom and Australia in 2001 [3]

Ivan, I reckon that your tenses consistency is already good. Yet, you're still not really aware about some punctuation and prepositions, which makes some of your sentences become confusing. If you aim for band 6 or above, I think you have to reduce your grammatical errors to the lowest level possible. Remember, clarity is the king! This comes from public writing band descriptors for IELTS task 1:

Band 6:
- uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
- makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication(which means, it should not confuse the reader)

These are what I've found from your essay:

- in the bar chart and,, while cinema admissions in the United Kingdom and Australia (to avoid redundancy, you can use 'while' instead of 'and')
- It can also be seen that, cinema (comma needed)
- experienced a dramatic fluctuation than incompared to Australia (if you mentioned comparison, make sure that it is appropriate and accurate)
- during 3 decadesover 3-decade period.
- DuringIn 2001, US films showed as...
- countries withat nearly four-fifth and roughly seven in ten, respectively (comma is unnecessary, proper preposition is 'at')
- In othersothercategorycategories,
- screened at nearly two-fifth (missing preposition)
- in the UK was not more than one in twenty. (missing verb)

Hope this helps, keep practicing! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / GRE issue essay: Should the foundation of education be based on morality or logical reasoning? [3]

Stacy, even though I have never taken any GRE test before, I would like to try to assess your essay based on GRE score level descriptions. First of all, I notice that your essay is understandable and adequately presented both views of the prompt. I like the way you develop and supports main points in each paragraph, which it also sounds logic for me. Then, you have demonstrated good control of sentences although there are still minor grammatical errors. Fortunately, your errors do not interfere the meaning of the sentence. Yet, your example about mars, for me was not really persuasive, because it was too far I guess. Here's what I've found:

- The recent project to occupy mars demonstrate demonstrates...
- because one's life is being ....

Therefore, I would like to say that this essay is worth somewhere between 4.5 and 5.0.

However, if you want to reach the maximum score (5.5 - 6.0), I think you are still lack of some points which described in the ETS.org below:

Sustains insightful, in-depth analysis of complex ideas; develops and supports main points with logically compelling reasons and/or highly persuasive examples; is well focused and well organized; skillfully uses sentence variety and precise vocabulary to convey meaning effectively; demonstrates superior facility with sentence structure and language usage, but may have minor errors that do not interfere with meaning.
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Compare and contrast the advantages of the city living and country living. Defend your preference. [3]

Ankhbayar, sorry to say that you still need a lot of works regarding to your essay. There are many error sentences, either in grammar or in meaning. However, it is not the weakness that you cannot decrease, I believe that by having a regular writing can help you a lot. Consider that you are lucky to find this website from hundred miles away there. I would like to remind you that perhaps you need to write your topic in a proper way. 'IELTS writing Task 2: (then write your topic)' or perhaps 'TOEFL IBT writing or anything', just make sure that you write your topic as clear as possible. Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical and sentence errors, mind the corrections below:

- Both of country living and city living are good place to live (confusing sentence, examiner or reader is not a mind-reader)
- ButHowever , I prefer to live (in Academic Essay writing, it is not suggested to start a sentence by using coordinating conjunction)
- saving money is living in countryside (I've just realized that your second sentence is confusing because of this (no preposition))
- But I disagree....But public transportation... (coordinating conjunction problem 'again')
- gas, parking, insurance...etc. (avoid to use ETC in your academic essay. It indicates that you are running out of ideas or examples. Some people nowadays called ETC as End of Thinking Capacity)

- There are a lot of theatres
- In a summary,
- there are many advantages of city living such as: opportunities, convenience, jobs...etc. (another ETC problem)

There you are Ankhbayar. I hope you find my feedback is helpful for enhancing your writing skill. :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / The production stages of chewing gum are illustrated by the process flow diagram. [3]

Nabila, I notice a significant progress from you, I can see that you follow through my previous feedback before. Yet, you still need to keep writing to improve your writing skill, especially in IELTS writing. For further feedback, you can see my corrections below:

- stage of chewing gum(missing noun)
- processflow(these words convey similar meaning, pick one of them to avoid redundancy)
- variations are added:.(period)(new sentence)Those are flavourings, softeners, and sweeteners to provide appropriatelyappropriate taste. (adj+noun)
- This gum dough is passed through rollers to beflattenflattenedit and shapeshapedit into sheets. (to infinitive, be+v3 passive voice)
- belt, and then they are ready for distributionto be distributed.

Overall, good job on making an outstanding progress for this essay. I would be glad to help checking your upcoming essay later on.
Keep writing Nabila! Break a leg! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing Task 1 : The Employment of Both Sexes by Occupation in UK in 2005 [3]

Lily, let me try to give you some feedback regarding to your Task Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Task Achievement:
- You missed some important facts that falsely explained and makes your essay becomes inaccurate.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Some sentences are still confusing, this makes your essay is not really fulfill this part properly.

Lexical Resource:
- You accidentally made some noticeable errors in word formation and I see some repetitive words were existed. Unfortunately, these errors caused difficulty for the reader.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- It is unfortunate that you only use limited range of structures.
- I notice your attempt to create some complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences.
- Some of your grammatical errors caused difficulty to the reader.

Here's what I've found:
- in 20152005(wrong fact(s) can badly damage your score)
- ...it can be seen that, there (comma is needed)
- ...approximately 22% ..........approximately 17% (repetitive)
- managers and senior officials, while.... While both female professional... (another repetitive problem)
- A 2015 experienced that the majority of boys was handled
- at roughly 2%.......... at almost 15%...... at approximately 22% (missing preposition(s))

There you are Lily, I hope my insights towards your essay will be helpful.
Keep writing and Good Luck :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Water usage worldwide and comparison of water consumption in Brazil and the Congo [3]

Nabila, I would like to say WELCOME to EssayForum family :) We are happy to see your first post here. In fact, I am glad that your first post is in a proper format (IELTS Task 1 with a picture), and then you need to give at least 1 space for every paragraph that you make. This will ease us in making some corrections or feedback towards your essay.

Before correcting some of your errors, I would like to say the fundamental part of IELTS task 1. You have to complete the way you wrote your report summary by composing at least 3 sentences for each paragraph. You accidentally weakening your paragraph by only writing 2 sentences. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The line graph provides... The table concentrates... Overall,....

The first body paragraph of your essay also has the same issue. If you don't serve up the information from the graph or table in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach your first body paragraph in the following manner:

The most apparent... Water required... Water industry...

Please bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the graph or table you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

The table represents... As a result,... In addition,...

There you are Nabila. I hope you find my feedback is helpful towards your future enhancement in IELTS writing.
I am waiting for the improvement of your next essay. Good luck! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1: The global water consumption and the comparison of water usage in Brazil and Congo [2]

Maya, I would like to say that you actually have a great potential in writing. You need to improve it a little bit more, since your report summary is understandable even some sentences are still confusing. Please be more careful in composing some sentences, especially when it comes to complex sentence. This is because complex sentence can improve your final grade if you use it accurately, but if you don't, it will badly damage your final grade. I will show you the comparison of band 5 and band 6 in writing.

Band 5 for grammatical range and accuracy:
- uses only a limited range of structures
- attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences(many students failed because of this)
- may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader(this one is also dangerous)

Band 6 for grammatical range and accuracy:
- uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms
- makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication(this is what you have to aim)

Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical issues, mind the corrections below:

- At the first glance
- the line graph formsformed an upward trend with the level of water consumption in agricultural showed the highest level. (when it comes to overview, you should directly shift your tenses according to the line graph)

- Moreover, it can also be seen clearly that(redundancy, you have stated an overview earlier (at first glance))
- To begin with, there was a dramatic (rather than directly start the sentence, better put a cohesive device/transition words there)
- Furthermore, Itit broke (it was not the beginning of the sentence, make it lowercase)
- the biggest useusage
- However, industrial purposes consumed water at over than twice more compared to domestic (please read again, the words that I marked is confusing)

There you are Maya, I hope my insight is helpful towards your future enhancement in writing.

Keep writing and Good Luck :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the rainwater reusing process water treatment place and the tank supply water to a household [3]

Wiwik, first of all, I would like to remind you that you are obliged to upload the picture for IELTS writing TASK 1. If you don't upload it, I will not be able to give you a thorough feedback towards your essay. Second of all, your introductory paragraph is too weak, which also can be considered as incomplete by the examiner if you only write 2 sentences. Despite your grammatical errors, I notice that you are still unable to create a simple sentence accurately. Lastly, I suggest you to make a space (at least 1 'enter') for each paragraph. This will help us (contributors and members) to give feedback easily.

My suggestion for your improvement is that you need to avoid making 'confusing' complex sentence. This is because flawless simple sentence is still better than confusing/inaccurate complex sentence. Then, you need to learn writing step by step, since a good writing comes from lots of practices. In addition, please be more aware of subject and verb agreement, singular plural, and other grammatical stuffs. At least, you can learn all of them by reading some books, read some information about grammar on many online websites, or even ask your friends or teachers. After several days/weeks/months of training, I hope your writing skill will be improved. I can't wait to see your next essay. Good luck! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The table and pie chart show the both sexes consumer satisfaction of a new shopping location in NZ [3]

Lily, there are many things that you should consider. Fortunately, one of them was already given by wahyu regarding to the minimum criteria for a solid paragraph. Then, grammar is also essential. The more accurate your grammar, the more understandable your sentence/paragraph/essay. Remember that if you aim band 6 or band 7 as your target, reduce your grammatical errors to the lowest level possible. Or, perhaps you can try to make sentence per sentence as clear as possible. Now, for the description of your grammatical issue, mind the corrections below:

- the both sexes consumer satisfaction based on gender
- Overall, it can be seen that, people (comma is necessary)
- ...area whilethat/which is dominated by manmale . (I am not sure 'man' is the proper one, I think 'male' is better or 'men' (plural))

- With regards to tables,
- man is the highest satisfied shoppers(at first you mention 'man' as singular, but 'shoppers' as plural)
- , whilein the same category is 37 women.
- the small number of dissatisfied shoppers . (incomplete, needs 'noun')
- satisfied man in shops is higher than female(please make an appropriate combination, male(s) vs female(s), man/men vs woman/women)
- the numbers of dissatisfiedmen who are dissatisfied .

There you are Lily, I hope these corrections will help your future enhancement in writing.

Keep writing and Good Luck! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Oldest People Love To See Cinema ___ IELTS Task 1 [4]

Ansor, you still need a lot of work to do. If you aim to reach band 6 or above, avoid making many/some grammatical mistakes by carefully selecting the appropriate word or punctuation for each sentence. You can see my corrections and feedback below:

- A breakdown of the proportion ofinformation about ...
- ...from 1990 to 2010 as a projected year, a two-decade period,wasis revealed... (I have deleted some redundant words and change the tenses into present, since it is a general truth / fact about the description of the graph)

- ...it can be seen that, all age (comma is needed)
- ...period, there werewas a slight decrease
- ...stood at the highest rates; 37%, 36%, at approximately 37 and 36 percent respectively.
- Then, in 1995 saw ana slight risegrowth about...
- ...by aged 14-24; , at roughly 12%. (using ';' is not suggested)
- the middle of the period...
- ...did not witness the significant increase.increasing significantly.

There you are Ansor, hope you find this is helpful for your next practice.

Good luck :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Speeches / Farewell speech for a retiring teacher. I am given the chance to deliver a speech [4]

JingNing, since this is a speech writing category, I will focus on your content of your writing rather than grammatical accuracy. I would like to remind you that, despite pointing several points, I suggest that you should also convey us the detail of your speech, how long / how many minutes. It is because, when you only wrote like this, I am afraid that my feedback will not be really helpful. Therefore, I reckon that this speech only last for a while, not more than two minutes, because it is too short. Now, for a breakdown of my feedback towards your ideas, see the descriptions below:

- Mrs Lim has contributed a lot... (what kind of contributions? perhaps you can give some brief examples here)
- She is an amazing and interesting teacher, but she is also the Head of English panel.... (I reckon that'BUT'is used for contrasting something. Amazing (positive), head of English Panel (is it negative?)) and I think this sentence needs more elaboration from you.

- ..teacher advisor for the debating team (the whole idea about this is okay, well-developed)
- ....spend her quality time to take part in charity events (this is also okay, acceptable and understandable)

Lastly, perhaps you can use a quotation from famous person or from your teacher in the closing part of your speech. :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Question type agree and disagree - solution for health problems and illness [3]

Aisha, I notice that you still need a lot of work to do with your essay. If you want to reach band 6 or above, at least you should fulfill one of the essential requirements from IELTS Writing Task 2 band descriptors. Remember, clarity is the king. If you make most of your sentences clear enough to the reader, you will definitely obtain a good score for that. This is what grammatical range and accuracy in Writing band descriptors look like:

Band 6:
- makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication.

Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical issues, with corrections applied.

- SoThus , human needs to good take caretake a good care of their health (in academic writing, avoid using 'So, But, and, or, yet' in the beginning of a sentence, it sounds informal)

- This essay will discuss the bad impact of treatments and medicine and it will elaborate how government can play a role in health issues. (My suggestion, it is better you state your stance at the beginning, whether agree or disagree about the issue.)

- now a daysnowadays(no space needed)
- can notcannot(no space needed)
- such big amount fees(bills/money) for their treatment (fee is usually related to a payment / salary, improper collocation)
- In 1965 , students of the California University (it could become irrelevant example, too old)
- don't (avoid this contraction(s), it sounds informal)
- It can be possible from over dosage, may bemaybe because the prescription is not well suited you. (using 'maybe' makes you argument weak, avoid that)

There you are Aisha, I hope you find my contribution useful towards your future enhancement.

Keep Writing and good luck! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The technology development era changed people's method in communicating with the others [3]

Razeeta, your body paragraphs look better than your introduction and conclusion. However, I suggest that perhaps you should consider the clarity of your introduction and conclusion rather than body paragraph. It doesn't mean that I recommend you to neglect the body paragraphs, but I do believe that first glance or first impression in introductory paragraph is essential to attract the reader, in this case, examiner. If your first sentence is unclear, I am afraid that will badly damage your whole essay. Now, for some corrections and feedback, you can consider what is written below:

- ...by some individuals is the termthe indicator oftechnologytechnological development era.
- with the others (i.e. family and business partner)(examples can be clearly described in the body paragraph, giving some examples in introduction paragraph is not recommended, since it can cause some repetitions later on your body paragraph)

- ...is not as difficult as the earlier. (you wrote a new paragraph, but 'earlier' doesn't have a referral. It refers to nowhere, which makes it unclear)

- inside the ponephone
- ...radius. theyThey ...
- So ....so that , they are able to create a typical circumstance of relationship.

I hope you find this feedback helpful towards your future development.

Good luck for the next practice! :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2- Control the water usage is good to prevent a world disaster [3]

Ester, my corrections are only focused on your introduction and conclusion paragraph. Those two parts are the most essential parts of IELTS writing. First impression is crucial to attract the interest of the reader, especially examiner. This is what public writing band descriptors of TASK 2 IELTS for task response of band 5 said:

- may make noticeable errors in spelling and/or word formation that may cause some difficulty for the reader

So, clarity is the king! Please remember that you should avoid to make your reader confuse by using a proper and understandable sentence(s).

Corrections:
- People cannot live without water as water is an essential for human being (perhaps you can avoid this redundancy by using synonym, or pronoun)
- ...volume of citizen'scitizens' water consumption.
- I firmly agree that, this solution can give more advantages to the inhabitant than the demeritdisadvantages .
- It can beconcludeconcluded that, (comma needed) every government should control inhabitant'sinhabitants' usage of water in order to prevent water supply from running out although it is hard to do.

- ...all around the worlds(world is only one, never try to make it plural again)

There you are Ester, Good luck for the next practice :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The preferable job is better for the humans' life [4]

Nela, I notice clearly your effort to put complex vocabularies in your essay. This will not escape the attention of the examiner. However, please be aware about using some similar words, because somehow it doesn't match the exact meaning of the real one. Now, for a detailed analysis of your grammatical issues and punctuation, see the descriptions below:

- when it comes to job selectingchoosing a job ..
- (new sentence)It is becausewhile others object it and consider earn much money will bringlead to
- Regarding to well-paid job,
- undergoes significant (significant what? dangling sentence) increase year...
- education requires an expensive tuition fee
- rich people obtained .................the poor one just reach(tenses inconsistency)
- However, in my opinion,(comma needed) doing a favorable
- recent research, it was found (recent, should be present perfect)

There you are, I hope you find my feedback is fruitful regarding to your writing enhancement. :)
ichanpants89  [Contributor]  
Apr 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: The diagrams below give information on transport and car use in Edmonton [2]

Baso, I notice that your writing is actually good and well-organized. The flow of the ideas also well-done. Yet, I still found some grammatical and punctuation errors in your essay. You have to be more aware in using a proper punctuation, because that is also band score criteria for writing. This is what you should avoid:

- four types of transportation....
- in Edmonton; and the table gives information about the proportion of possible reasons that why cars are used by citizens.
(better separate this sentence, inaccurate)
- it can be seen that,(comma needed) car was the greatest usedusage,(comma needed) while commute to work was the...
- the biggest usedusage,(comma needed) which...
- several reasons why inhabitants usedusing car

I just want to remind you that if you want to reach band 6 or above, you should be able to reach this stage:

Band 6 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication

Good luck for the next writing practice! :)

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