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Posts by angga93
Name: Anggadia Shinta Wardani
Joined: Jan 28, 2016
Last Post: Oct 12, 2016
Threads: 42
Posts: 74  
Likes: 20
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Gadjah Mada

Displayed posts: 116 / page 1 of 3
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angga93   
Oct 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / John McWhorter described why we -as human- have to learn different languages [2]

English is taking over the world, everybody is speaking English, the language of internet, language ...
>>this is spoken language: add cohesive devices to convert it into written form for a better flow.

Still, people should learn another tongues[another+singular] even the society ...

These are the causes based on McWhorter's view...
>>these + plural, for this context you should use "one of the causes based on McWhorther's view is that because language..."

Then[Another reason is, it can] create a multitasking person,[since] to speak more than ...

Lastly, knowing a novel language ismeans discovering a new ...
angga93   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Haitians Worship Among Devastation Caused by Hurricane Matthew [2]

According to current official reports , approximately 522 inhabitants died due to this tragedy; moreover, it is, not included theincluding a number of victims ...

Though the Haitians experienced the worst hardship since ...
Although the Haitians experienced the worst hardship since they lost their family members and possessions, most of them still did the worship in ruined Churches to praise their salvation.

In addition, The authority estimated at least 350,000 Haitians needed aidwhilstthe biggest threat came from cholera disease. <<< not opposing statement.
In addition, the authority estimated that at least 350,000 Haitians needed intensive aid, particularly those who suffered cholera which was the biggest threat at that time.
angga93   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Let's All Obsess Over This Intricate Map of Alt Music History [3]

The history of band music performance started to ...
The history of band music performance dates back to 4 June 1976 when The Sex Pistols, a legendary band in England, performed in Manchester Hall.

Now, this performance has been peak up to rank one all the time. However it not the band ...
Thanks to its spectators, this band's popularity hits the top now.

... influenced many kinds of music today such ...

To connect those complex relations to all bands , a researcher looked by[?] the poster on a ...

As a result,(Improper cohesive device; this is not a consequence) firstly, researcher used symbolic ...
angga93   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / People use their voice to tell others what they want to hear, instead of what they need [3]

Nowadays, most of people use their voice to telling people the things they wanted to hear instead of the things they needed to.
1. most people --> unspecified group; most of the people who .....--> for specified group
2. use their voice to tell others
3. present tense --> a fact nowadays (they want to hear)


Therefore most of problems in this world caused by silence such as discrimination, war, genocide, and other violence.
my suggestion for better cohesion: "This case triggered silence which becomes the most common cause of global problems, such as discrimination, war, and genocide."

Therefore, we can recognize silence, toname them, and to understand that silence is havenot to be sources of shame.
...silence must not be a source of shame.

....to reach a true fredom.
angga93   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pros and cons of moving around in different places, IELTS Writing Task 2 [4]

....that they are more likely stayed in some places... (need verb)

It is important that society spent their time just in one place because staying in one place , it will bring out good things in living of society and also it will be able to easily socialize with their neighbors because they have already known each other in a long time and the same place.

redundancy alert: try to simplify this sentence and find some similar words. Here is one example:
"Living in the same place for entire life might brings benefits for society, especially in term of community spirit. Because they have known almost all members of their community, it will be easier for them to socialize or find some help."


Living in one place for several societies make comfortable and enjoyable ....... which they have been lived in many years ago.
"In addition, it is possible for them to develop their homeland because permanent residents are usually familiar with their surrounding. Therefore, recognizing feature of their local area which can be improved in order to get more benefits does not need hard effort of them."

>>>>>that is my suggestion for your first two body paragraph. I hope you can review your mistakes by analyzing such marks so you will not make same inaccuracies in your next writing. I notice that you attempt to make complete sentences, but over-complicated sentence is hard to be understood. Therefore, I suggest you to practice more about sentence structure and make your sentences a little simpler.

Regards.
angga93   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are several factors for people to move around and it have advantages and also disadvantages. [3]

Greetings mem77. You should include the task in your post and add space between paragraphs.

1. people have to live --> generalization; you need to use "most/the majority of/etc."
2. old generation which has to stay --> that is not a must, i think it should be "who had a bigger chance to stay...."

3. the task asks about advantages and disadvantages, no need to explain causes

4. For example, if we meet people from western, .... can improve our knowledge about culture of each place. >>these sentences are confusing
5. However, there are some disadvantages when you go to new places. should be written in third person point of view
6. ... it makes change, not only your knowledge but also your skill and method to face ...
--> your body paragraphs do not imply this conclusion
7. If human beings do the same things all the time, they will ... what same things? better to make it more specific
angga93   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Do schools kill creativity - TED Summary - Sir Ken Robinson [3]

....about how important is creativity.
>>>...about how important creativity is.

...everybody has interested in education, or formal education.
>>>...everybody take an interest in education, particularly the formal one ; "or" is improper here

The capacity of young children to learn things are extraordinary...
>>> pay attention to subject-verb agreement

...as they have enough creativity.
>>>don't adults have enough creativity? may be the proper statement is "they are more creative"

In reality, children with full of creativity may forgot them as they grow older.
>>>what's "them" refer to?
angga93   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / Two ways of pick up water for watering system from different water sources [3]

PARAGRAPH 1:
The diagram gives information about two ways of pick up water ...
repetition: water ; "The diagram gives information about two ways of picking up water from different sources for irrigation "

It is noticeable that, the irrigation system in just a few steps ...
the content is similar with the prior sentence ; you can add information bout the basic similarities and differences of those 2 methods, such as the use of rope and animal

PARAGRAPH 2:
beginning at the first method, take water from the river using ...
>>this sentence has no verb

[add cohesive device here] The basket is made offrom bamboo or leather.
>>made of: completely change in appearance e.g. this cake is made of corn flour; made from: still has its characteristic, e.g. the chair is made from oak wood

Then, two peoples stand oppositeopposing each other while holding the ropes.

....swing them [?]...

In addition, the elevation of riverside is one until two metres
>>I suggest you to put it at the beginning of the paragraph since it would have a better flow

PARAGRAPH 3:
On the second method ... This is more complicated ... There are need several equipment's ...
>>I suggest you to merge these sentences: Compared to the first method, the second one is more complicated which consist of several refined tools, such as.......
angga93   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The climate crisis in United States - significant increase of heat [3]

...there was a significant increase in U.Sheat from 31 degrees Fahrenheit ...
>>>> i suggest to replace "heat" with "temperature"; plus, you don't need to mention "the US" here (redundancy)

... the business sector in the United States contributed from years to years that ...
>>>>i attempt to write it, be careful of collocation (contribute+to) "...it is predicted that business sector in the US will contribute immensely to this deteriorating emission until 2060."

The man suggested us to contribute to,......about the essential thing of global warning.
>>>you need to simplify this sentence
>>>The man... (who is he? you haven't mentioned any name before); you should write it in third-person point of view (no "you")

Therefore, those things can be helpful to reduce the ...
>>>>i suggest to replace "things" with "measures"
angga93   
Aug 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main concept of ecotourism are make good environment and get income without injuring it [5]

The ecotourism is a new concept to exploit environtmensource. [i suggest to replace the words in italic with "natural resources" ]

Ecotourism[i suggest to use subject pronoun (it) to avoid word repetition] is one of many concepts to campaign green movement, perserve local ecology and local culture.

>>>> ... preserve local ecology and local culture. : [when you use "and", make sure all components are in balance]

In addition, get income also perserve environtment avoid harming environtment and make a positive contribution.
>>> my suggestion: Besides earning additional income, this type of tourism is potential to make a positive contribution to the environment by avoiding harmful activity

There is some example ecotourism, such usas ecotourism national park, traditional rafting, natural environtment etc.
>>> This sentence doesn't belong here. You should put it just after the definition of ecotourism

... accomodation that followsenvirontment tallyenvironmentally friendly practices such ususing renewable resources and utilizing recycling methods .

The main concept of ecotourism are make good environtment[replacement: protecting the environment] and get income [replacement: rising avenue] without injuring environtmen .
>>> I assume that this is your conclusion, so you should use signalling phrase in the beginning of this sentence.

spelling:
environtment --> environment
perserve --> preserve
such us --> such as
angga93   
May 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - How many people used 3 major airports in NYC during their travel? [3]

Hello Febriyani, I have read your essay and i think it has an impressive grouping. I note that you have made several minor error in grammar, and sometimes it has looped plot. Here is my mark for each paragraph.

1st:
I suggest you to create at least 3 sentences for a paragraph.
>>The bar chart indicates the numbers of travelers use three major airports....
-my suggestion: The bar chart indicates the number of travelers using three major airports

2nd:
>>...and peaked at nearly double (70 million) in 2000.
-this consist of repetitive information. you should choose between using 'nearly double' or '70 million'
>>The raise of LaGuardia actually ran constantly about 5 million gap each year..
-i don't think the same, as majority of this figures experienced slight increases. it will be safer if you state 'gradually increase'
>> ...the number inclined drastically with 20 million passengers only in a year.
-...inclined drastically by 20 million...

3rd
>>...it remained in similar number steadily.
-the figure flattened out.
>>...the amounts of people who flight through John F. Kennedy airport
-...the number of people who flied through JFK...
>>It rose from 20s million travellers before (1995) and fell to 30s million travelers after (1997) hitting a high at almost 50 million passengers in 1997. {looping}

-The number was stood at no more than 30 million, and reached a peak at almost 50 million, followed by a fall to 30s million in 1999.
>>However, there was a 10% rise in this airport in the latest year period.
-I cannot find this information

I hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The sales of travel, clothes, film/music and books in 2003 and 2013. [3]

The pie charts compares the percentage of online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand. The data covers the sales of travel, clothes, film/music and books in 2003 and 2013. Overall, it can be seen that while film/music and books sold more via online, the sales of travel and clothes was smaller in the end of the period.

The biggest increase in online shopping was experienced by movie and music items. Its figure stood at 21% in 2003 and 10 years later, the proportion was 12% biggerwhich made it dominated online sales in 2013. The number of books sold online also witnessed an increase.In 2003, books sales contributed 19% to online shopping which was the smallest number of that year. However, the figure rose to 22% in 2013 so that it no longer in lowest position.

The other two subjects saw drops in online sales proportion. Online purchasing of travel which once became a dominant sale in 2003 (36%) had lost its popularity in 2013, indicated by a dramatic fall of 6%. The proportion of clothes sold online also smallerin the end of the period. In 2003, 24% of online sales was experienced by clothes sales, but ten years later it sales was the smallest, which was only 16% of all sales.




angga93   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Learning an another language offers an insight how people from overseas think and see the world [3]

Interesting writing pal! here is my mark for you. I hope it is helpful.

I attempt to paraphrase your thesis statement for your consideration.

While I believe that this offers a golden opportunity for learners to ...

It is true that compulsory teaching of second language possibly helps children to gain better understanding of this matter, however I disagree if this subject is mandated as a must in every elementary school.

On the one hand, | it is used to confute your prior statements. usually it used in the second body paragraph as you have not explain anything before body paragraph 1
angga93   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of electricity generation units by source in Germany in 1980 and 2010 [2]

Hello Fudla. I notice that you differ your body paragraph by:

1. most obvious change
2. general trend

However, I cannot find this information in your overview. Thus, I give you alternative for introduction.

A comparison of electricity generation units by source in Germany in 1980 and 2010 is highlighted in the pie chart. Overall, a significant alteration ocurred in power plants utilisation during the span, while its total rose dramatically as well.

A comparison of electricity generation units by source in Germany in 1980 and 2010 is highlighted in the pie charts . Overall, the number of nuclear power plants witnessed the biggest increase in the end of the period. While the number of coal and petroleum electricity generators were barely changed, natural gas and hydroelectric plants were diminished.
angga93   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cutting-edge surveillance technology is beneficial for public safety [2]

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

• Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
• Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Rapid development of surveillance technology makes it easier to monitor people's activity. Considerable number of monitoring devices are intentionally utilized without people awareness nowadays. It is true that this case has several disadvantages in people's lives, but I firmly believe that it brings more benefits, especially in public safety.

Silent surveillance is unpleasant for some people as it makes them lose their privacy. Because of ubiquitous CCTV and tracking devices, societies experience discomfort since they feel that their personal lives are deeply observed by others. Related to this, I have an experience of choosing private items in a supermarket. The presence of hidden cameras made me uncomfortable when choosing feminine hygiene products so that I ended up buying random items which I found unsatisfying. Apart from that, the convenience offered by monitoring devices will eventually make police officers lose their basic skills for solving crimes. It is because they rarely use their tracking and identifying skills to find crime offenders and rely this stages on modern surveillance technology.

On the other hand, I believe that public monitoring equipment is beneficial for public safety. First of all, it will effectively decrease crime rate as crime offenders concern about hidden cameras that automatically record their action. Thus, criminals will think twice when they want to do harmful action. In addition, camera and tracking equipment are extremely useful in crime measurement. Recorded CCTV videos act as evidence so that the offenders cannot avoid punishment by confuting their accusation. Tracking devices also very helpful to locate the criminals so that police will spend less time to find them. Not only that, it also useful to find missing people so that they can be found quickly and send back to their family.

To conclude, it is clear that cutting-edge surveillance technology has more benefits than its drawbacks. I totaly believe that it offers better public safety although sometimes it causes discomfort for some people. In my view, surveillance devices is better to be hidden in order to prevent destruction by bad people.
angga93   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The development of media technology such as TV and internet has affected citizen's activities [2]

Hy Fardan! I have a suggestion to improve your introduction. You can try to mention the essence of your main ideas in your overview instead of mentioning "discuss both views". It will make your introduction stronger and more interesting. I guess Mr. Victor has reviewed your gramatical and structural errors in your sentence. Thus, I will write an alternative introduction based on your ideas, for your consideration.

Media is of pivotal role for human's lives to communicate ...

Media are pivotal for communication. Nowadays, many types of media adapt cutting-edge communication technology which result in wider range of accessible information for people around the world. Although it is true that development of media is beneficial, I firmly believe that it brings more drawbacks for social life.
angga93   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / 2002-2011 timeframe VHS and DVD's. The number of sales and rentals of films in a store. [2]

The bar chart gives information about the number of films which were rented and purchased from a store between 2002 and 2011. Overall, it can be seen that while DVD sales increased in popularity, the number of rentals showed a downward trend. Interestingly, blue ray films sales emerged in the middle of this 9-year period after VHS sales totally diminished.

In the beginning of the period, most people preferred to rent movies rather that bought them. More than 180,000 films were rented in 2002, while the sales of VHS and DVD stood at 85,000 and 45,000 respectively. The figures of rented films and VHS sales experienced downward trends and no more VHSs were sold in 2006. In the end of the period, only 80,000 films was rented. In contrary, DVD sales kept rising and reached a peak at 215,000 in 2007. However, this figure witnessed a steady drop which made its number just slightly below 180,000 in the end of the period.

Turning to the new movie format, after the popularity of VHS movies was gone in 2006, a year later blue ray films was available in the store and sold for 3,000 items approximately. Coincided with the steady rise of blue ray sales, the sales of DVD sales gradually decreased. For the following 4 years, blue ray become more popular since the first time it was sold. More than 50,000 units blue ray films was sold in 2011.
angga93   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of cars is growing along with the economic growth of a country [4]

Dear Cathy, you must write an introduction before explaining your idea about the case. In academic writing, the readers do not have access to read the task. So, you have to make sure that you have enough clues about the topic so that your writing is not confusing. Here is an example of introduction based on your idea.

In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

The number of cars in the world is predicted to experienced a drop 2 decades later. In my opinion, this prediction is not true because there are no sign of reduction in the number of vehicles both in developing and developed countries.

That's the simple instance of introduction. I do not know the task, is it require a solution or just discuss both view. So, you can make more detailed introduction according to the task.
angga93   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Decrease number of overweight needs further solutions by educating the importance of nutrients [3]

Hello Desty, I notice that your body paragraphs is differed by (1) causes and (2) solution. However, i need much time to figure it out because beside you do not mention it in your overview, you also do not give the reader a clue about the idea of your first body (in the beginning of the paragraph). After reading your introduction, my first perspective is that you will write about the widespread obesity problem in your first body. Thus, i kind of surprised when i end up with reading the causes instead of finding information about this epidemic. It is really important to make our body paragraph coherence with your introduction.
angga93   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Human consumerism leads to a huge debt [3]

Some people get into debt by buying things they do not need and cannot afford.
What are the reasons for this behaviour?
What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?


Financial issue is highly correlated with consumerism. These days, many people tend to buy unnecessary, unaffordable things which leads to a huge debt. In my opinion, major causes which lead to this problem are advertisement and social status. A big effort is needed to tackle and prevent people get into debt by their own bad habit in shopping.

Human consumerism is strongly influenced by internal and external factors. First of all, most people have a strong desire to be considered that they are belong to high social status in their community. They believe that buying luxury goods will help them to be seen as wealthy people so that they will get more respect from their peers. However, some of them push themselves to purchase such things by borrowing a huge amount of money either from other people or banks. Secondly, abundant advertisement in this digitalized era always succeed to persuade people to buy unnecessary things. This case fuels people consumerism behavior so that they will be easier getting into debt.

Some solutions can be suggested to diminish this kind of bad behaviour. From personal scale, each person must have self-control to differ their needs and desire. People should restrict their purchase on things they do not need although they have a strong desire to own such items. They should buy goods which are really needed for their lives. Secondly, stakeholders also have to take action to alleviate this case. They must avoid taking benefits from human consumerism. TV agencies, for instance, should restrict the number of advertisements in their shows so that viewer do not excessively exposed to tempting offers of unnecessary items. Although advertisements are main source of money in television industry, they are dangerously influence people tendency to purchase unaffordable things. Overall, if both societies and stakeholders make a huge effort to fight consumerism, the problem of huge debt relating to shopping habit can be avoided.

In conclusion, it is clear that a huge debt for unnecessary shopping is caused by internal and external factors. People's desire to gain higher social status and abundant advertisement are the two major causes. To tackle this problem, both individuals and stakeholders have to control those factors which lead to consumerism.
angga93   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Charging people for admission to the museums; original writing, 40 minutes [3]

Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

Mostly, museum's visitors have to pay admission before they can enjoy the display. However, I strongly believe that although this policy has a certain benefit for the museums, it cannot offset the disadvantages both for visitors and the museums.

It is undeniable that every museum needs money to maintain the artifacts and pay the worker. For this reason, most of them mandate that the visitors must pay a certain amount of money when they want to enjoy the interior. This way undoubtedly increase the museum's revenue so that they can provide better service for the visitors such as cleaner toilets, wider open spaces and better view of the display. However, this advantage is minuscule compared to the drawbacks it brings.

Not every people have a huge interest in antiques. Because of that, many people will loss their interest to visit museums if they have to pay just to enter it. This case will decline museum's popularity because only few of people visit the museum. Not only that, the function of museum which originally intended for educational purpose will be missed. By charging admission, museum is seen as a business rather than educational tool. All in all, admission fee brings several negative effects.

A free museum obviously cannot earn money by itself. Therefore, it needs support from others to maintain its function as educational tool. For example, the government should fund more to make the museum an interesting place to be visited. Donation from visitors also very useful for the existence of this place. Overall, there are some ways besides admission fee for museum to earn money.

To sum up, it is evident that charging admission has more disadvantages rather than its benefits. It is imperative that societies and the government should pay more attention to museum's revenue so that it will stand still although no admission is charged from the visitors.
angga93   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Government should introduce new technologies or offer free education to improve life [2]

In my view, the first body paragraph lack of coherence. The task is about technology introduction to improve people's quality of life, and some argue that the better method to improve quality of life is free education. however, you neither mention quality of life nor technology in this paragraph. For your consideration, you can make comparison about the benefit of free education and technology introduction.
angga93   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / This species originally hatch in fresh water, then live in the sea when it grows. The life of salmon [2]

The diagrams illustrate the life cycle of salmon, one of large fish species. Overall, it can be seen that this species originally hatch in fresh water, then life in the sea when adult. The stage of its development can be predicted by its length.

The life cycle of salmon begins in the river. Salmon eggs are laid between reeds and small stones in upper river in which the water moving slowly. These eggs then hatch, and the fry swims to the lower area of fast flowing river and lives there for about 4 years. Once the fry becomes smolt, it swims to the open sea and lives there for 5 years approximately. In mating season, adult salmon swim back to the upper river where they originally come from, to lay their eggs. Then this cycle is continued.

The body size of salmon represents its developmental stage. A 3 - 8 cm sized salmon is called the fry. After growing for about 12 - 15 cm long, the fry is called smolt. Salmon can be considered as adult fish after it reaches at least 70 cm in length.



  • The diagrams below show the life cycle of a species of large fish called the salmon
angga93   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Whether crime prevention should be done or not. [3]

I have read your essay and I notice that your lexical resource is impressive. Here is my opinion for your first body paragraph.

It causes many folk are too frightened | double verb

With regards to the people who think that nothing can be done , they basically believe that averting crime is pointless. | i think it will be better if you straightforward mention the main idea. in this sentence, "nothing can be done" raise a question "can be done for what?" as it is located in the beginning of paragraph.

It is because people still have tendency to commit a crime. | why using still? i do not notice that you mention the condition in the past. before mentioning an example, please make sure that your prior sentence is clear enough by adding a brief explanation.

For instance, it is usually the folk who think that their financial condition is lower than others. | I try to paraphrase this "The thinking of the folk that their financial condition is below average level fuels crime commission"

As a consequence, crime still exists and happens. | you already mention similar information before, I think it is unnecessary

You use too much connector mister, those device is helpful to produce a better cohesive & coherence. However, using too much of it makes your writing sounds not natural which can decrease your score.
angga93   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Beginning formal school in early childhood is not a wise decision [3]

In some countries, it is thought advisable that children begin formal education at four years old, while in others they do not have to start school until they are seven or eight.

In many nations, children is often suggested to attend formal school in early age. Meanwhile, some countries allow children to join formal class after they reach 7 years old of age. I firmly agree that starting formal study at a very young age is not a wise decision as it influence the student's personality.

In some countries, 4 years old children normally go to school. It is because the society believe that their kids will be benefited by thismanner. First of all, they argue that young brains can absorb virtually everything effectively so that students who begin school at earlier age will achieve higher level of understanding compared to their older counterparts. Not only that, by being formally educated it the early childhood, the opportunity of being employed in a prestigeous institutions will be raised. The cause is the younger students begin their formal education, the wider range of in-depth knowledge they learnt. However, this case had bad influence on the children's characters.

Childhood is a crucial stage in human development as in this state, young people receive the greatest amount of new experience and information in their life. It is because their ability to communicate with others is developing, and huge curiosity fuelled it. Thus, it is better for the youngsters to be educated formally, by teaching them moral values and ethics which are very useful for their lives instead of facing them with formal education. If children begin to learn formal subjects in their childhood, they will have less time to learn about human ethics. This will results in highly educated people without sense of community. It is a common knowledge that this kind of people is harmful for the societydue to their tendency to get benefits for themselves as much as possible by unacceptable ways. All in all, it is clear that children are better educated formally at older age because they will have much time to learn abou moral.

In conclusion,it is clear that although beginning formal scool in early childhod will results in impressive level of understanding, their moral education is less developed than those who starts school at older age. I believe that moral and good sense of community is more imporant than formal education subjects.
angga93   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'potatoes and fish are the main ingredients' - Fish pie manufacturing diagrams [2]

The diagrams illustrate the frozen fish pie production in a factory. Overall, it can be seen that a fish pie consist of 4 ingredients in a container. At a first glance, it is made through 2 major stages, which are preparation and packaging.

The main ingredients of fish pie are potato and fish. The fish is putted in a microwaveable container along with additional ingredients such as peas and sauce. The top side of this mixture is covered by a layer of sliced potatoes.

Turning to manufacturing process, the first stage of making fish pie is preparation of the main ingredients. Delivered potatoes have to be processed before a month of its arrival. The potatoes is washed in cleaning machines before those are peeled and separated from its skin. Once peeled, the potatoes are sliced then boiled. The boiled potatoes than chilled and stored before it is used.

Meanwhile, the fish must be prepared less than 12 hours after its delivery. Lemon juice and salt are added to the fish before it is steamed in oven. Its skin and bones are removed from the cooked fish. Once it is inspected, the fish is ready to be combined with other ingredients, which are prepared peas, sauce and potatoes. After those materials are assembled in a container, they run through packaging machinary. There, the pie is wrapped and freezed before it is stored or dispatched.




angga93   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A fish pie consist of several materials such as peas, fish, sauce and potato [3]

To begin, potatoes are sent up to one month after it is fine. | sorry to say, but i don't get the idea of this sentence

Waste of peeling process

Potatoes which have been peeled | suggestion: peeled potatoes

before it joinis combined with the other processingredients .
angga93   
Mar 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The amount of coffee sales in five European countries was bigger in 2004 than in 1999 [2]

The tables below give information about sales of fairtrade*-labelled cofee and bananas in 1999 and 2004 in five European countries.

The table compares the sales of fairtrade-labelled coffee and banana in five European countries, which are the United Kingdom, Switzerland, Denmark, Belgium and Sweden. The data covers the period between 1999 and 2004, and is measured in millions of euros. Overall, the amount of coffee sales in all five countries were bigger in the end of the period. Meanwhile, the number of bananas sold in Sweden and Denmark were fewer.

The biggest increase in coffee sales was witnessed by the UK, where only was sold for €1,5 millions in 1999 and rose sharply to €20 millions in 2004. This dramatic increase had made this country in the first position in the end of the period, contrasting with 5 years earlier when Denmark dominated it by €1,8 millions. Sweden sold the least coffee over this 5-year period. This nation sold €0,8 millions of coffee and this number only increased by €0,2 millions in 2004.

Turning to banana sales, Switzerland experienced the most dramatic rise between 1999 and 2004. Banana sold in this country, which was €15 millions in the beginning of the period was the biggest among other nations. Interestingly, this number jumped to €47 millions 5 years later. The UK and Belgium witnessed a rise as well, but those were a lot smaller than that of switzerland. In contrast, Sweden and Denmark sold fewer bananas in 2004 which made those countries stayed in the bottom two of banana sales.




angga93   
Mar 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The conclusion is simple: married couples are happier than the single people [3]

be seen that married couples are happier

The most outstanding figure among single people categories

With regard to the levels of happiness of married couplesby the influence of children in their families , all of age groups do not have significant gap.

all of age groups do not have significant gaps .
angga93   
Mar 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Freedom to choose university subjects [2]

Some people think that all university students should study whaever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.

Discuss both these views and giveyour own opinion.


Students should have a freedom to choose their own education subject. However, some people argue that university students have to be forced to study certain considered useful subjects. I strongly object that atitude because in my view every subject is is worthy to be learne, especially when it matches with passion.

In this globalising era, some field of studies such as science and technology are standout due to the high demand of graduates from these subjects in many institutions. Therefore, society tend to force their children who will attend college to choose particular field of study even though those youngsters are not passionated of it. According to those people, studying high-demanded subjects will make students' future is brighter as they will easily find a well-paid occupation. Overall, restriction in the choice of study is one of some efforts to achieve a good quality of life in the future.

From my point of view, it is true that studying subjects which are desirable by many institutions in this era will rise the probability of being hired in prestigeous companies. However, students who do not have passion about those particular subjects will waste their time in university. The cause is they do not feel engaged to their study so that they lack incentive and their study process will not efficient.

The best decision in education subjects is following own desire. When students happily study a subject, they will absorb information fastly and effectively. This results in a huge improvement of their skills which is very useful for their future career. If students are passionated about one less-demanded subject, after graduation they can create job opportunities for people who have the same desire. Thus, in the future they can work together in pleasure. All in all, it is clear that following passion to determine study field is beneficial.

In conclusion, although choosing potential education fields for future high-salary job may be useful for same people, studying subject in passion is more advantageous. In my view, students shuld be allowed to choose any subjects they want as long as they take it seriously.
angga93   
Mar 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bananas and coffee selling in European countries [2]

On the other hand, the purchasing of banana was slightly jumpeddropped in Sweden and Denmark in 2004.

Turning toTo begin, the table of coffee | turning to = used when you move to another explanation (body 2)

the biggest incline was shown by Britain

It iswas followed by

for surging twicetwo times higher.

highly profitable sales is obtained in
angga93   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Fashion choice vs personality of people [2]

Some people say that the clothes peopl ewear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Since long ago, society always associates people's characters with their appearance. However, the opposites argue that judging others' personalities just by how they look is not wise. In this case, I firmly believe that people's choice on fashion does not truely reflect what they are like.

Fashion is beliaved as the main indicator to predict characteristic of someone. First of all, fashionable community is seen as a group of people who care too much about what others' think, as they tend to follow the latest trend althogh it is not suitable for them. Meanwhile, their counterparts, ones who are out-dated in fashion, considered as easygoing because they love to wear comfortable clothes in order to allow them to move freely and fit into virtually every kind of occassion. Overall, there is a list thet society have made to determine people's personality just by their taste of fashion. However, in my view this belief is not true because it is too superficial to indicate somebody's personality.

They way pople dress is easily faked purposely to impress others. The common belief that well-dressed people means good personality, nowadays, is missused by some immoral people. They try hard to be good-looking in order to gain much respect from society. However, most of their personalities is absolutely the opposite of what people see. An impressive clothes is used as a tool to manipulate people's view on them so that they can easily be deceived. Those fake people badly use a good impression brought by their clothes to get benefits by deception. All in all, many people use social common belief to form their fake characters so that fashion choice is no longer accurat to indicate people's personality.

To sum up, it is evident that taste of fashion is completely unacceptable to be used as an indicator of people's personality. In my opinion, the way people behave is more accurate to determine it, as faking attitude is far more harder than faking fashion choice.
angga93   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Workers should concern to their appearance instead of their working quality [3]

appearance isshould be the most essential thing

Others believe that work quality is more pivotal.

It is evidenceevident that appearance is pivotal

both the employees and companycompanies | plural and plural; singular and singular

Several occupations, such as bank, encourage their workers to dress smartly

Quality of work becomes the main factor

This is because they are need to contribute
angga93   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Does people's personality can be determined by their appearance? [4]

fashion becomes one of many pivotal things

PlentyA huge number of inhabitants tend to choose

People's characteristics can be valued by the clothes they wear

Several jobs force their workers to use formal suit

One of those occupations is Wall-street officers have to wear shirt and suit. | cohesive

not every workers there are polite,
Mark Zurkenberg, who is the second richest person in the world,

I think your second body paragraph more explaining about Mark's social status, not his personality. I think you should more exlain that he is a humble person, kindhearted, caring etc. without over-think of the way he look
angga93   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Dress choice vs work quality in a business [2]

Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.

Some institutions forced their employees to be well-dressed. However, there are several arguments state that the way people dress is not as important as their quality of work. In my view, both aspects are significant in business field as they can affect company's income.

Since long ago, ones who dress smartly attract more attention and get more respect from society, compared to them who dress casually. This social beliefs is applied in business in order to make good impression to the customers. This case can be found in car exhibitions, for example, where sales propotion girls wear attrective dress to attract people so that they want to purchase the items. Another institution is bank, which makes formal dress a must for their workers to show and gain respect from their customers. Overall, well-dressed workers indirectly help companies to earn money because they can attract and gain respect from societies. However, I believe that work quality has the same importance as appearance.

The employees' quality of work is also a significant point in business. Formal dress limit worker's movement, so that some jobs which need a lot of physical activity such as manual labor, tend to allow their workers to wear casual dress in order to bring the best performance. Mechanics do not have to dress sharply for maintaning and repairing machines as formal dress will interrupt their maneuver so that the repairing act cannot be done properly. People always want best service so that good work performance will gains more customers. Thus, if the labourer cannot perform a good quality work, the company will lose their customer's faith. All in all, working performance also determine successfulness in a business.

To sum up, it is clear that both appearance and capability perform good quality work are extremely important to a business's success. In my opinion, company should make policy which adjust their worker's style of dresses to the types of work so that it will be more beneficial for the business.
angga93   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / People personalities are showed by their style [3]

judge others characteristic. | judge others' characteristic.(possessive)

While the rest think human personality ... during a period. | this sentence is incomplete (While S V, S V)

someone characteristic can be judged | again, possessive

it also cannot be denied | suggestion: it also is undeniable

had become a trendsetter fashion. | had become on-trend fashion.
angga93   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Data shows about the relation of workers with their bosses and associates in office [2]

it wasis divided in several levels of relationship. | the chart must be explained in present tense

Overall, it can be seen that very good level took the first place in all kind of relations in both period.While there were under very small numbers in poor and do not have supervisors or co-workers' bond over 4-year period.

your overview indicate that you should divide your body paragraph to:
1. relation with big proportion
2. relation with minuscule proportion

however, your body paragraph grouped by:
1. relationship in 2005
2. relationship in 2009

so that it lack of coherence.
angga93   
Mar 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Remakarble changes were shown on the data of workers relationships with their cooperators. [2]

The pie charts compare workers' relationships with their supervisors and co-workers. The data covers those subjects in 2005 and 2009. Overall, the relationships with co-workers got better in 2009. Meanwhile, relationships with supervisors only experienced several small changes.

Remakarble changes were shown by the data of relationships with co-workers. Between 2005 and 2009, a rise from 63% to 70% was experienced by the group of employees having very good social interaction with their supervisor. However, there was fewer workers who had good and fair relationship with each other in 2009. People who had no partners in 2005 (1%) was double in proportion when the survey was ended. It is important to note that the relations between co-workers got better as no one had bad connections with others in the end the period.

The quality of relationships between worker and the bosses were not shown big changes in proportion since the beginning of survey. In 2005, 61% of workers admitted that they had excelent relationships with their supervisor, then this number rose by 4% in 2009. The same increased proportion also was witnessed by another group, which is one who had no relations with any supervisors. However, good and fair relationships decreased in proportion by 2%. Interestingly in 2009, every worker answered the question about their relationships with the bosses, different from the attitude 4 years before when 2% of them kept silent.




angga93   
Mar 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The happiness of married and single inhabitants is influenced by different factors [3]

happiness levels forof married and unmarried society

and having kids effect on it

Overall, at the first glance, it can be seen that married inhabitants isare happier than unmarried people.

Also, havingthe presence of children brings more happiness ... | from my perspective, people who have children aged above 18 years old are less happy, so that this overview does not covers the information. for safer statement, here is my suggestion: Also, having children brings slight differences in people's levels of happiness.

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