Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Posts by dils
Name: Dila
Joined: Sep 13, 2016
Last Post: Nov 14, 2016
Threads: 20
Posts: 33  
Likes: 2
From: Indonesia
School: UNM

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Nov 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, as the world becomes more global, there is a new tendency to learn English [3]

The world's English mania-Jay Walker

Nowadays, as the world becomes more global, there is a new tendency to produce language which can be accepted globally. This inevitably brings the mania to learn English. Mania itself can be beneficial or even harmful. The mania of learning English affects billions of people all around the world, particularly in China. In China, learning English is instructed and managed by the state, thus taking China as the largest English speaking country worldwide.

There are several reasons underpinning this mania. Generally, the people believe that by learning English it will evoke the opportunity for a better life, better job offer, and better education. Despite, it is actually have to be recognized that our first language is our mother native language in which English is just the second one. Knowing English of course a merit, as the individuals can engage in wider conversation concerned with the common problem of the world, but it is also important to take into account that there are still other languages such as music and mathematics that allow us to connect each other.
Nov 14, 2016
Undergraduate / College Essay, Topic A, help edit, is due by Nov., Edit anything: Vocab, Grammar, Puncuation [3]

Hi Victoria Plata,

Your writing is good, but in order to make it better, here some suggestions for you.

I live with my mother, father, and two little sisters.

I have been in five different schools,...

It is a place where I was born and spent time along with the rest of my family.

There I got my first field trip, played my first softball game, and adopted my first dog in San Antonio.

It was difficult to say goodbye when we had to move away.

I always afraid...

I realized that it wasn't the case at all.

Ever since that night, I know home is not a place, but loved ones who are always there to support and love you unconditionally.

Overall, you have a good idea to share with, it may just about how to let the flow of the writing becoming smooth as I totally engaged in your writing.

Good luck.
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to stop the deadly disease that is spread by mosquitoes? Mosquito, malaria, and education [4]

Every problem has its way to be solved. In this recent decade, the number of childhood death experiences a decrease. The predominant factor that brings this number get lower is related with the increase in income, so that the vaccines can be used globally. Concern with this issue, there is also a question of how to stop the deadly disease that is spread by mosquitoes? Answering this question, there are several ways that people generally do, such as get the bed nets, use spray with DDT, and treat the patients with quinine. This kind of thing can cut deaths by over 50 percent, but the most significant way in order to get rid of this problem is we need the cooperation from scientists and drug companies.

Moreover, talking about education, if we want to make a good education, the key point is by having a great teacher. Also in learning system, everybody needs to be involved. All in all, invest in education is the most important matter to have a strong future of the country.
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Common Painkillers 'increase heart failure risk' [6]

Hi Sari,

Related with your writing here some suggestions for you.

... is a kind of drugs that is used to relieve ...

... heart failure towards the people who (...) by 19% than the people who do not eatconsume this drug.

Researchers from UK throughconducted survey study fromof10 million people ...

high dose usage was avoideddosage should avoid by them and do not useit is not allowed to use this drug for a long period.

Good luck
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The popularity of reading books by citizens of Burnaby between 2011 and 2014 [2]

Hi Andhika,

Here some suggestions for you.

Overall, the figures show an upward trend ...

In 2011, the different number of books ...

... 11,000 in male, figure while there was (...) occurred in females,this make the gap ...

while a significantly increase trend to....

Over all, it is about the flow and how you organize your writing so that the reader easily understand it.

Good luck
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / A new study reveals that happy people have a great sense to cheer their spouse up [3]

Happy People Make Their Spouses Healthier

Happiness related to physical well being. The individuals who are happier usually also healthier and less physical problem. At the moment individuals fell good, they tend to be more active. Related with this, a new study reveals that the happy people have a great sense to cheer their spouse up. The people whose spouses are happier have predominant factor to have better in shape. Data confirm that people with a happy spouse are 34% more likely to be healthy.

There are several reasons why a happy person has the possibility to improve their partner's health. Firstly, it is because a happy partner has a number of positive energy to take care the significant others. Secondly, happiness correlates with better diet, routine exercise, and a good quality of sleep, it also leads the individuals stay away from self-destructive behavior. Thirdly, of course the happy people will make their partner's life easier by enjoying all the activities that they have.
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: Why we Need to Talk About Depression by Kevin Breel [5]

Hi Jojo,

Here some suggestions for you.

Kevin Breel, is a person who suffering from depression about 6 years. He saidstated that many people ...

depression is not about sadness,it isabout didn't get a job, and thiswhich is a natural emotion.

AndIn every 30 second ...

And depression is not a kind of disease which isbe cured andgainto getabsolutely health,...

Good luck
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Restricting the air travel to prevent air pollution [3]

There is an opinion that the prevention of air pollution can be reached by restricting the air travel. Regarding this issue, I stand on the line that I firmly disagree, as there are other major causes that promote the air pollution.

As there are myriads of nonstop flight services every day, it is clear that this may the major contributor of air pollution. Annually, the report reveals that there is a necessity to have control the emission of this air transportation. For example, the type of boing 737 as the common use in some cases experiences the disturbance in gas emission system. As result, it produces more damage output of fuel burns. Therefore, it may consider that this will bring a number of pollution in air.

However, there are also arguments that reveal if actually the other factors contribute more to the air pollution rather than the air transportation. Firstly, the research conducted by the green peace scientists found that the number one major cause to trigger this degenerative pollution is related with industrial works, as the number of company's factories increase every year progressively, it is of course in line with the result of emission that they release to the air. In addition, the second contributor is CFC or Cloro Fluoro Carbon, in which result from the use of air conditioners, refrigerators, and the other devices that we use as our daily instruments.

In conclusion, even though the air travel contributes to bring pollution, the others contribute more than that. Concern with that, it is imperative to start eco-friendly lifestyle as we can save the environment.
Oct 31, 2016
Undergraduate / "I'm a good friend" without saying it. MIT Admissions Essay on my contribution to my community [3]

Hi Arnav,

Here some suggestions for you.

my friend was sitting beside me said that he did not understand anything.

After spending some times discussing the problem,....

I have a willingness to invest time in explaining a problem because I want to ensure that the others understand concepts as well as I do.

Over all, the other suggestions may related with how you organize your idea, how your answer truly respond the task, and how to make the flow become smooth. You may also notice the coherence from each paragraph that you write.

Good luck.
Oct 31, 2016
Undergraduate / Tufts Supplemental Essay about how I was raised and how it influenced my life today [3]

Hi Cassie,

As I read your writing, here some suggestions for you.

My brother and I always have an extraordinarily competition about everything.

This contest was beginning in my elementary years....

... could in everything, so that I could be better than him.

I have found that the intrinsic motivation to do my best,...

Over all, you have the idea, but it will be better if you pay attention related the flow and make sure the reader catch your idea exactly.

Good luck
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The causing related to the escalating number of crime rate and some possible solutions to tackle it. [3]

Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

Significantly, the rate of criminality increase every year. In keeping with that, this is essay will elaborate the causes related this escalating number of crime rate and some possible solutions to tackle it.

There are three approaches to explain the increase in crime rate. Firstly, from economic point of view, it is because of unemployment and the lack of job demand, in case of that the people take a shortcut to commit crime due to fulfill the daily needs. Secondly, from social point of view, the tendency toward social inequality in which the people from lower economic class feel oppressed by the upper and middle class. Thirdly, from the standpoint of culture, the lack of tolerance among the diverse culture tends to cause conflict and leads to a crime.

However, there are several ways can be done due to overcome this problem. Firstly, enabling participation of parents and educational institutions in educating the children as the future generation to have a high value of morality. In addition, it all coming back to the legal sanction, provide strict penalty is required to bring a deterrent effect to other people in order that they do not do the same. Furthermore, it is of course regarding with improvement to the previous three area; economic, social, and culture that cause the preference to involve in criminality.

In conclusion, even though criminality is a serious issue, there are several steps that the government can do to prevent the increase of its rate. Concerns with that, as the whole society have willingness to join hands, it may be possible that the crime rate will decrease.
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'A family knows the best way for children' - Childcare Centers Vs Family [5]

Hi mem77,

Here several suggestions for your writing.

Some parents said (...) for children before entering school. While others think that ...
You may just combine this two sentences become one, as the patter should be S + V + while + S + V.

... research conducted in Melbourne University....

In addition, in your conclusion it will be better if you also put your recommendation regarding this issue

Good luck
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / About a time you learned a valuable lesson. Describe what happened and what the lesson was. [3]

Hi An Luu,

Related your writing, here some suggestions for you.

..., I've though I got everything...
..., I though I had already gotten everything...

I searched online how to drive a car...
I searched how to drive a car, what kind of car, and how to control the wheel on internet.

the best ways were you don't ...
the best way is you don't need to know about it,....

before we driving a car.

My mother gave me some ideas ...

Good luck
Oct 28, 2016
Student Talk / What's the biggest writing fail in your writing? [20]

Hi essayist,

Related to this topic, for me it is about writing passage in which didn't relevant with the topic or writing an essay that didn't answer the task respond. Personally, I also take into account that generally, the academic writing is one of difficult writing model to figure out.

In addition, there are several mistakes that I happen concern with writing, such as subject-verb agreement or event misspelled.

Best regard
Oct 28, 2016
Student Talk / is it right to get your term assignments done by someone else? [9]

Hi Ayesha,

I do agree with your standpoint, as it will be unfair to the other students. At the bottom line it is related with ethical and morality issue. As the purpose the study is not only about how students get high score, but also about attitude and honesty.

I appreciate that you have that principle that doing your own assignment absolutely better that hire anyone else. Just believe in that the process will not betray the result. You will get new information by doing your assignment personally, so that there no loss on you.

In the future, we need more than just a high mark. Dealing with the global competitive wold, a hard worker one will survive, and also by having your one responsibility about your task, it means that you have integrity.

Good luck.
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / How the parents endangering their children imagination [2]

Children nowadays are becoming overwhelm with numerous school activities and abundant pressure related their performance. This is indirectly demolishing their opportunity to develop creative thinking to explore their world and to discover their self. Children spend about eight hours per day on modern technology devices, besides the scheduled program that they have.

Related this issue, the parents need to be more sensitive to realize how their children want to get free from all this rigid agendas. As the result of this kind of manner, children become passive in their leisure time, involved and engaged in passive entertainment by using their fingertip on the surface of tablet, instead of have time to dream and imagine. This is undeniable coming up with the parents desire, as they are very scare if their children not having an excellent in academic or other fields. Something important that the parents should take into account in which imagination needs free room and time to thrive, and this is absolutely based on their support. Therefore, as the parents want to develop their children imagination it is imperative that they give them space to have it.
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Athlete Has a Great Peripheral Vision Ability in Sports [5]

Hi fauziyah,

Here some suggestions for you.

... there is something blurry around but weactually do not pay attention to it.
This is clear that the individuals cannot pay attention on something blurry. You may can modify this part become: When we focus on something we usually do not notice our peripheral area, as this area blurry around in which it is hard to pay attention on it.

An athlete is trained to upgrade their visual ability to detecting and to tracking ...

... it will be more if people under anxiety attack.
For correction, there is no anxiety attack on psychological terms, there is only panic attack.

Good luck
Oct 27, 2016
Student Talk / How to train the speaking ability without partner? [25]

Hi aurora,

From your question, I can see your personal willingness to improve your English. Related with that, even though you are coming from Asian in which not a fully English speaking country, of course there are several ways to train your speaking ability by yourself. Here my suggestions:

1. You may watch some conversation tutorial videos that will give you some examples related the pronunciation in which this is important aspect of speaking.

2. If you don't have speaking partner, at least you can talk to yourself. This is also part of practice that you can make as habit.

3. To improve vocabulary on your speaking, you can get it by reading English book, in case of you got information and develop your lexical resource.

Over all, it is all coming back to you, as you have your determination, you can find it true. One the general key point of training speaking is of course keep practice.

Good luck.
Oct 27, 2016
Book Reports / The Odyssey and "The Wizard of Oz" - Heroes Essay [3]

Hi Nishant,

You do your best on doing this writing, other than that, several suggestions are available for you.

In the most of fiction books and movies,....

... who is admired for its great or brave acts or fine qualities.

The book and the movie had multiple heroes within them ,...

Odysseus and Dorothy share the same amount of pureness, pureness of an adventures mindset,...

Over all, you may avoid the redundancy as it will make your writing flow become destructive. In addition, in case of writing an essay you must prepare to organize your ideas due to the cohesion and coherence issue.

Good luck
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sir Ken Robinson stated that every child is born as a talented artist. [2]

Sir Ken Robinson-Do Schools Kill Creativity

Sir Ken Robinson stated that every child born as a talented artist. Most of the people just forgot that as they were children, they had an extraordinary capacity for innovating. Children is remarkable due to their bravery, they do not even afraid to get wrong and this is important that if you are not getting wrong you will not come out with anything original. However, unfortunately, as the people growing up this sense of fearlessness to explore the world starts to fade away.

As individuals become an adult, they start to be a rigid on thinking and less creative, this is something inevitable as it results from school processes. Nevertheless, it is generally realize that everybody has interest in educational issue. Along with that, the purpose of a study nowadays focuses on how the institutions produce university professors. There is also tendency to pay more attention to particular subject concern with math instead of arts, in case of the future preparation. Covering the issue, it is important to have a note that creativity also important in education as well as literacy.
Oct 27, 2016

Hi Dominic,

To write down essay for scholarship you need preparation ahead. As you want to apply, there are must be the reason and of course you have potentials within you. Figuring out the questions, we can start to deeply think about it one by one.

1. Explain your most important accomplishment and explain why you think it as such.
Firstly, you may list your accomplishment so far, then after that, you can choose the most valuable one to explain, of course when you choose it you have your own reason, just reveal your reason related that.

2. Describe your research interest with regard to your career vision.
In this part, you can look back at your previous research, what is it about and how it correlate with your desire work then. Of course you have one particular interest, just elaborate it.

3. Describe your potential contributions to the class if you were to receive admission to the School.
Contribution is a something that you must have to get involved with this competitive thing. Think about what is the best thing you can do and how it will impact to the class if you are inside.

Good luck
Oct 27, 2016
Essays / Cheating during exams is out of control - argumentative essay [3]

Hi Jeen,

For me it will be great if you starting by asking to your self about that topic, what is cheating in your opinion? Do you agree or disagree with that? And give your reason about that.

This topic generally talks about cheating and control. Cheating is a bad behavior as the purpose of the study not only about academic result, but also about attitude and honesty. Other than that, this topic also talks about control. Control it self actually exist in your mind, this is a natural ability on mankind. So that you can start your writing by elaborate every single piece of the topic and then correlate the back.

In addition, as you writing, don't forget to pay attention to some areas such as:

Content --> coverage, validity, necessity, tenses
Coherence and cohesion --> flow
Lexical resource --> range of vocabulary

Good luck
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Comprehending communication relies on cultural mastery of the local language. [3]

Writing Task 2-Understanding the culture by speaking the language

Culture is a complex heritage that runs in the blood across generations, it includes the way individuals communicate, this terms leads to the opinion in which individual may only understand what the others talk about if they understand the language. Relating this issue, I stand on the line that comprehension in communication not only relies on cultural mastery of that local language.

Being connected with the people is not merely about language itself, there are several instruments within individuals that allow us to engage in. Firstly, as a remarkable creature, human nature enables individuals to recognize expressions. Research shows that expression is a universal media across all the cultures around the world that gives occasion to get the meaning of someone's feeling. Furthermore, there is also cross culture intelligence, according to the review of some literatures, this kind of intelligence brings the individuals have the ability to aware and notice other cultures manner without have to be a part of it.

In addition, it is something generally admit that it is very hard to understand the culture of a country as a whole package, it is due to the numerous of local languages and cultures exist. For example, in Indonesia every region has local tradition and particular language to communicate. However, this is not making a relational problem, because this varies result in a national language. Therefore, even though the people come from different background they still can contact each other.

In conclusion, as there are myriads of cultures in each country, it does not become a boundary to get along. Concerned with this, preserve the cultural components is beneficial regarding that contrastive tradition teach us to fully functioning in appropriate way to appreciate the diversity.
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / One way to restore our body and mind is traveling. Article summary - Traveling [3]

Hi Ucha,

Your writing is actually just a good one, you have your ideas inside of your head about traveling. Related with that, in the case of your development it will be important if you have more lexical resource to support your ability in writing.

In addition, this is few suggestions for you:

... body and mind is traveling.
... body and mind condition is with traveling.

... perfect time for restarting our busy daily activities ...
... perfect time for restarting from our busy daily activities and losing our weary.

Spending leisure time in weekend in or out of our environs brings ... .
... in weekend either in or out of our environs will bring spirit and inspiration from surroundings.

Good luck.
Oct 27, 2016
Scholarship / "Leadership is a journey, not a destination. It is a marathon, not a sprint." CHEVENING Scholarship [3]

Hi Trang,

As I read your answers, I find something that you are already has numerous of ideas that ready to reveal and develop, and of course that is really great.

Your writing at the bottom line is good, bu in order to give you more powerful answers you may need to pay more attention to your ideas management, as it will be nice when it flow smoothly with a wonderful cohesion and coherence.

In addition, related with the grammar, here some suggestions for you:

I can not agree more with John Donahoe ...
My suggestion:
I cannot agree anymore with John Donahoe, he stated that leadership is a journey, not a destination.

... learn how to adapt toward changes,...

... learnt how to encourage the members to raise up ...

I usually was the leader to help ...
My suggestion:
I used to be the leader that help them to develop their turns...

Good luck
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The table shows secondary school attendance during period of 2000 to 2009 [3]

The table shows secondary school attendance during period of 2000 to 2009. Generally, the trend reveals gradual descent of attendance in Specialist Schools, Grammar Schools, and Voluntary-controlled Schools. Meanwhile, in Community Schools the tendency of attendance has risen from 2000 to 2009.

Specialist Schools experience 2% of descent from 2000 to 2009. This is suggested that there is a decline about 0,2% related with attendance every year. Moving over to Grammar Schools, from 2000 to 2005 the change was lower than the period of 2005-2009; those are 5% and 7%.

Moreover, in keeping with Voluntary-controlled Schools, the alteration over 2000 to 2005 and 2005-2009 gradually increased 14% and 18%. One interesting fact, that in Community Schools, the progress was different with increased preference number concerned with secondary school attendance. From 2000 to 2005, the increase is 20% and from 2005-2009 is 26% which on average, there is 5,1% of increase in secondary school attendance annually.

Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Hans Rosling took on the task to teach global development for an undergraduate student. [5]

Hi Andhika,

As I read your essay, let me give you some suggestions.

1. He having spending abouthas spent 20 years at africanAfrican institute.

2. Has country the highest children mortality? Maybe you can modify this part as "Has the country had the highest rate related children mortality?"

3. he put them together for theto compare the data,

4. so each of country has twice chance mortality for the others. --> this is little bit confusing, maybe it will be better if you change the structure of this part.

5. ... compared the result (compare with what? maybe you can explain) , it has....

6. For the example, he put facilities surroundings, number per children per woman... . It will be better if you make the example easy to understand, it will help the readers got your point.

7. developing country havehas

8. Over all, don't forget to pay attention to the cohesion and flow of each sentence.

It's a nice topic to share. Good luck.
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / The shortage of nurses largely affects the health care system around the world [3]

IELTS Summary 12: Nurse Migration

The shortage of nurses largely affects the health care system around the world. In developing countries, this shortage primary because nurses migrate to developed countries searching for a better prosperity. Different with developed countries, the shortage of nurses related with an aging population that requires more health care services.

The nurse migration itself left unfilled position in origin country. As a result, there are only a few number of qualified health care practitioners who have to face many patients. Concerned with this condition, health care services often administered by assistant nurses who have only basic skills. Thus, this migration actually leave some problems behind both in developing and developed countries.
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Every person has take the control and responsibility for the type of life that he wants to lead. [4]

Hi Andika,

You have a nice topic to share with as, but here some suggestions for you.

1. Nigel Marsh has benbeen having seven years experiencedexperience with studying and writing about worklifework-life balance.

2. First, progeressprogress is the most important thing to use...
For the very first, he stated that progress is the most important thing to use ...

3. They have solution for this issue for us.

4. Every person has to take the control (...) they want to leadfollow .

5. from the others people

6. Although people need tothe idea to balance the idea

7. Thus, detail step by step that description ideal balance.
Thus, this step by step clearly describes ideal balance.

8. With the smallest investasiona small investation in the right place , people can get....

Good luck.
Sep 22, 2016
Undergraduate / A girl who is sitting in the farthest corners of the room. Common App Essay -- Interest in Reading [3]

Hi Tina,

Nice essay, but for your improvement, this is some suggestions for you.

1. I am athe girl who is sitting in the farthest ...

2. comforted by the peaceful isolation. I may suggest this "accompanied by peaceful solitude."

3. I look upon my only escape from reality and I ...
Looking forward for having escape from this reality and wondering sink into the depth of the new world.

4. My eyes look across the hundreds of titles,
My eyes looking around for hundreds of titles

5. searching for the ones I know will lure me
searching for the most attracted one

6. " Iknow the title and author by heart and I will always remember ...." Well this sentence quite confusing actually, in order to make it easier to understand, maybe it will be better that you have clear idea and modify your word compositions.

7. Ever since I was a child, I have always ...
Since I was a child, I have been fascinating by books.

Over all, this important that you have made your framework for each paragraph before you start writing the whole essay. It helps you to make your idea clearly stated. You may also notice the composition of your writing, the subject-verb agreement and the structure.

But, this writing proofs that you have a willingness to practice writing, it's a good thing.

Good luck.
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Hula dancing plays important function as an important aspect of Hawaiian culture. [2]

Hula dancing plays important function as an aspect of Hawaiian culture. The origin of hula dancing has its roots in Hawaiian mythology. History suggested that formerly hula performed as part of ritual in honor of god or goddess. Traditionally, men and woman can perform this dance.

Hula is well-known dancing from Hawaiian culture, which catches the attention of many people around the world. Hula dancing still exists until this modern era with different touch from the ancient. The ancient hula relies on energetic movement, whereas the modern style is slower. This day, hula function move from ritual ceremony to form of entertainment. However, the transformation of hula is a way to maintain Hawaiian culture identity.
Sep 21, 2016
Scholarship / Questbridge Ethical Dilemna - Finding Unity in the fight to balance God and Life [3]

Hi Hoooni,

It's pleasure to help you on your writing. Concerned with that, here my suggestions for you.

1. The occasionalIn a leisure times when my mommother tells me...

2. "Times like those is where I have a moral breakdown within myself." You may simply stated that "It makes me feel guilty inside."

3. ... not have faith in my God, but it is ratheraboutof how much I value my time against that very faith--> this is quite confusing

4. against the expenditure of mywaste of time.

5. I will get to harvest a fruitfind the fruitfulness equally worth...

6. and realized the value thatof time

Over all, I suggest you paying attention related subject verb-verb agreement. The more effective you reveal your idea, the better reader got your point. Also, you may need reduce the redundancy words or sentences. Before writing, it is better that you have your own terms of reference.

In spite of that, keep writing, because with writing we can share our story and idea on something.

Good luck.
Sep 21, 2016
Letters / Ultra-Modern Community Center Letter for English Class [3]

Dear Sara,

In keeping with this letter, here some advices from me.

1. This is important, you need to clearly state in order of what case you write down this latter.

2. You may need to pay attention to sentence cohesion, so that the idea didn't leap.

3. I, and many others on the island,....
Me and many other people on the island,...

You wrote this.
I, and many others on the island, [...] relax at. It can have things like

This is my suggestion.
In this global era, technology is an inevitably important part. Technology will make our life easier and keep our children away from the street life. Related with that, we have agreed that that an ultra-modern community center is need on Saba. However, for the realization, we need some kinds of things, as follow:

• Art studios
• Basketball courts
• Boxing rings
• Dance studios
• Game rooms
• Gymnasiums
• Indoor pools
• Kitchens
• Libraries
• Meeting rooms

Good luck
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary 10: Origins of Writing [3]

Ancient civilizations believe that writing helps to deliver messages to God. As a communication media to God, ancient peoples gave a high value for writing activities. When the people started to establish permanent place in farming communities, writing system also developed.

The documentations reveal that writing system independently developed in three parts of the world; Mesopotamia, China, and Mesoamerica. Ancient Sumerians in Mesopotamia created the first writing system in 3000 B.C. in case of land ownership. Furthermore, Ancient Chinese began to write on metal and bone around 1500 B.C. and Ancient Maya created writing system as they applied symbols on religious structures and recorded the deeds of their rulers. Yet, the scholars proposed that Zapotec culture was the oldest civilization that used writing system. However, related with the facts, the writing system that we use today can't be apart from the previous history of ancient civilizations.
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Disabilities People With The Great Achievements [5]

Hi Arin,

Nice topic, but in case to improve your writing here I give you some suggestions.

1. Many people presumed thathashave a perfect body is the main thingsthing . You may also use "the most important thing" instead of "the main thing".

2. Some people got the disabilities,...
I may suggest this part, "Some people was born with special abilities,.... "

3. As a one sentence, this is quite confusing
" Some people got the disabilities, they are who has a physical or mental impairment ... "
In keeping with this, I suggest you to modify or just simplify this sentence, make sure the idea that you want to tell to the readers, bold the main idea and explain it.

4. ... people hashave many achievements...

5. ... should be treated in the same way as everybody else.

6. Not instead to underestimate them,Without any intention to underestimate them, we do not know how about ourwhat will happen to them in the future.

Over all, you may need to pay attention to the way you composed the sentence in each paragraph.

Good luck.
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary 8: Terri Trespicio-Stop searching for your passion [4]

Most of people believe that they have to follow their passion. This kind of thing makes people stand still. After graduate from school, many people do not know what to do because they don't know their passion. Related with that, it is important to know that passion is not about a plan, passion is a dynamic feeling. Too busy searching for passion can lead the people lost the opportunities in life.

Passion created by living it not by organize it. Passion is the entire energy that we use to solve whatever in front of us, so that we don't need to search the passion. Passion related with something that we can use to contribute. Finally, in keeping with that, there's a saying, "You don't need to follow your passion, your passion follow you".
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / The history of Circus started in ancient times already [3]


In keeping with your writing, let me give you some suggestions.

1. The circus is one of the oldest forms of entertainment in history.

2. The Roman Empire built the venue forofthe circus performance that is entirety made fromof wood.

3. Secondly, Philip Astley,...
You don't event mention the word "firstly", so may consider the other connector.

4. He performed to make people in England popular....
In keeping with this part, I may suggest this " His performance became popular in the British "

5. Hihe later expanded

6. portable tents for his performedperformance

Please pay attention to your connector words, so that the ideas flow smoothly.

Good luck
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary : The philosophy of a happy life according to Sam [4]

Hi Jawa,

Let me give you some suggestions related your writing.

1. Sam Berns , a boy suffered Progeria , was an inspiring man...
This is important to pay attention to the punctuation.

2. Progeria Medically is a health problem...
Medically, Progeria is a health problem ....

3. stunted growth and increased the risk of heart disease

4. ... his family and he worked with an....
With his optimistic and creative idea, he and his family worked with an....

Over all, your writing is very fascinating. It's a nice topic for the reader. In order to keep up your good work, keep practice and share.

Good luck
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / One of the major public transportation in Europe refers to subway. The first one was opened in 1863 [3]

Transportation is a vital aspect numerous modern big cities. One of the major public transportation in Europe refers to subway. The first subway was opened in 1863 and located in London.

In Europe, three of largest underground rail services are located in London, Paris, and Moscow. Each of the cities has its own uniqueness. London was the first city that launched the underground rail system and introduced the method for subway tracks called "cut and cover". Paris has a beautiful decoration in the station with myriad of artworks, such as paintings, mosaics, and sculptures. The last, Moscow the city with a large number of tracks lying above the ground. Eventually, the underground rail system expanded the service in case of its benefit for the people.
Sep 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED summary : The next generation of female engineers. [3]

Hi Jawa,

Here some suggestions for your writing

1. Female engineers (...) only 11 per cent in the US are women . You've been mention Female at the first, so that it is verbose to write woman again.

2. while others agree that girlswoman are more likely to be a princess.

3. she was a pretty normal kid who loved ballet. Maybe you can consider the other words, if you said that she saw a normal kid a long way ago, is it also mean that she's not normal now?

4. After graduatinggraduatedforfrom senior high school...

5. Then sheconsultationconsult with her tutor...

6. "In the light of this, she went off to Stanford which was a big ..." This is too long as one sentence, quite confusing, you may also avoid the repetition.

7. Yet, she should give it a try as her teacher suggested so ...
Yet, as her teacher suggested her choosing major that she loved.

Over all, keep writing, so you can be a good writer.

Please make an efficient sentence and reduce the redundancy.

Good luck.