Scholarship / Chevening Leadership Essay - A physician leading a team to save a life [5]

Attika, this essay is not totally a leadership and influencing essay because you referred to uncertainty on your part. A true leader does not second guess herself. A true leader never feels uncertain. A true leader takes charge without a second thought. Unfortunately, that is not consistently presented in your essay. Possibly because you are trying to serve up one too many "stories" at the same time. Why don't you try focusing more on explaining how you developed your leadership and influencing skill instead? Only this time, do it with an air of confidence in your writing and a strong example that shows you taking charge and influencing the nurses instead. The way it looks, the nurses don't really consider you a leader and neither were you able to influence them into respecting you as their leader since they wanted to call the GP instead of simply taking their cues from their "leader and influencer". Try to make a more solid representation as the essay at the moment badly needs development.

Writing Feedback / Upraising e-books, good or bad? Adv vs disadv essay. [4]

Not a bad piece of essay writing CJ. You were able to depict the paraphrased statement in a manner that, although a bit confusing at first, the reader ends up eventually understanding. It did not cause too much stress for the reader. Your approach was appropriate and the message was there although a bit hard to find at first. I have to remind you though of the grammar writing rules with regards to connecting words such as "because". A connecting word cannot be used to start a sentence because there is no previous thought process to connect within the next sentence. Therefore, all connecting words cannot be used to start a sentence. Your paragraphs are highly informative and shows off your analytical skills. The essay is a very good presentation coming from someone who was not this well equipped a few days ago. Keep up the good work, you are well on your way to total improvement in terms of your writing skills.

Scholarship / Chevening 2018/19 - CAREER PLAN QUESTION - Business Analytics and the Digital Economy [5]

Mohd, the only part of this essay that needs to be better developed is the part about the UK supported project in your country. While the Chevening network can help you achieve the goals that you set for yourself in relation to the project, the main requirement for this is that you actually try to help promote the project in your country. So you may want to consider volunteering, joining, or seeking employment in the UK agency in charge of promoting this project. The overall essay is great. It is interesting and hits all of the marks. If you can improve the UK reference, the essay will become stronger. While your long term plan is impressive, you should also indicate your mid range, 5 year plan as well. The 2050 plan sounds more like something that will require additional studies on your part so you may want to refer to rejoining Chevening in the future as a doctorate student since they do offer fellowship scholarships. That just might be a nice touch to close the essay on as well.

Scholarship / My experience while working on coal fired steam power plant have improved my problem solving skills [3]

Mufthi, none of the essays I have read from you for Chevening so far has a solid chance of being considered. They are extremely weak in presentation and discussion development. Your current essay does not have a discussion development nor outline presentation that can help you to interest the reviewer. You have to focus on 2 elements for your essay. One paragraph for the leadership explanation, so limit yourself to only the most impressive leadership skill that you can present, and one for influencing, which currently is not very well represented in your essay (if at all). You need to develop a more convincing presentation for your essay. It is too timid and does not really portray you with the leadership and influencing abilities that could compete with the more experienced and confident sounding essays from the other applicants. You could miss out on the opportunity simply because your essay was not presented in a strong enough manner. You need to exude more confidence in the leadership part and compassion in your influencing claim, once you make it.

Scholarship / My network will be expanded from my Chevening experience and those worldwide connections [3]

Mufthi, you wrote 275 words and somehow, I do not feel like you delivered a justified networking experience. Perhaps, this is because your first paragraph is very confusing. Did you mean to say that you helped other power plants other than your own? You need to clarify that because I don't understand how the reference to "benefit both sides" fits into the scenario you described. Your second paragraph combines 2 different discussions in one paragraph. Separate the discussion. A paragraph must have only one topic presented, not two. The reviewer will lose track of the first discussion and just remember the second one, so split it up. This doesn't come across as a very strong essay because the networking foundation isn't really impressive nor strong. Can you try to write a totally new essay that has a more confident sounding explanation? Try to strengthen the presentation in some way. Maybe add more information or explain how the network helped you out of a difficult situation. I can't put my finger on it at the moment but I am sure something is missing in this essay. Maybe it will appear clearly to me after you revise the essay.

Scholarship / Meeting with different peoples had enabled me to see things from different points of view [7]

There is a missing element from this essay. I feel like there is too much "take" on your part from those who are a part of your network but you are not really giving them anything back in exchange for all the help they provide you and your students. Haven't the members of your network asked for your help in some way? Why don't you represent one paragraph in reference to that so that the essay will feel more balanced. It will help to justify your statement in the concluding paragraph about your being willing to share your network and engage the newcomers to the scholarship. Provide the "give and take" example in your essay in order to strengthen that concluding claim. This is already a strong essay that is only lacking an enhancement here and there. The additional paragraph should help you better highlight your networking skills in this paper.

Writing Feedback / The less you use internet, the more you feel happy in life. Ielts writing topic [5]

@Huonglypham since this is the first time you have written a task 2 essay, I can understand how and why you made these mistakes in your writing. The first thing you have to learn is that the essay requires you to represent what you understood of the provided discussion by presenting the original prompt in your own words in the first paragraph. This is called a paraphrase and the score for this section is tied in to your Task Accuracy score. The one thing you cannot do is discuss the essay immediately in this paragraph like you did now. This should have looked as follows:

The past ten years have allowed the internet to seriously change the way people live. These changes have not always been positive but people still consider the effects of the internet as more of an asset than a liability. In this essay, I will be discussing my own point of view regarding the effect of the internet on the lives of people.

With regards to the body paragraphs, you really need to learn how to discuss only one topic per paragraph because you will be scored heavily on the Coherence and Cohesiveness of your paragraph presentation. You should be able to defend each reason that you provide (within one paragraph each for a total of 3 paragraphs) completely within 5 sentences. That is why you cannot more than one reason in each section. That is why your essay became hard to understand and follow as well. Added to the problem is that fact that you did not really state an opinion of your own in the first paragraph. So there is a missing "ownership" in the discussion. As such, rather than an opinion paper focusing on one discussion, you developed a comparative essay. So you ended up changing the prompt discussion. When something like that happens, the tendency of the examiner will be automatically fail your essay.

Here's what you can do to help yourself improve in writing the task 2 essay. Read the work of the other students here. They have all received advice as to how to improve their discussions and presentations so I am sure that you will learn from their threads. You can apply what you learn from them in your succeeding essays.

Scholarship / I choose the courses in U.K. which are really relevant to my academic background and my future plan. [5]

bism, the essay is suffering from a lack of foundational discussion. You represent the goals and objectives of your desire for your advanced academic degree which is good. However, you do not have the mandatory 2 paragraphs that represent your academic background and then your actual professional background in relation to the objectives statement that you provided. Your university discussions also lack a reference as to how the courses you have chosen will have a direct impact on your career goals. How will these courses end up making you promotion material when you return to work? Your discussion needs to go beyond the interests. You should veer towards the applications in your profession as well. Make sure that you can also mention the method by which your current position at the office has given you the required experience to pass the course based upon work related references.

Scholarship / Personal statement for MSC Health Science. This is my first time writting an SOP [4]

@tuannguyen6772 a personal statement is not written in the form of a partial creative narrative. Rather, it is written in a formal academic style that indicates a specific set of information. The personal statement for an MS course requires you to simply explain how your interest in this course progressed ever since you graduated as a college student. A summarized presentation of your career progression that led to your current position will help to establish the importance of your career development. Your current influences that have opened your eyes to the need for higher education can be mentioned slightly as well as that is discussed at length in the SOP. What is lacking is the explanation of why you think that studying in the Netherlands is the best fit for you. In particular, why the university that you want to enroll in? What do you look forward to about studying at that university? These are the basic elements represented in the personal statement. What you have is not a personal statement. It is more of an open topic narrative discussion. Needless to say, a new essay is in order.

Writing Feedback / If you could give money to only one type of charitable organization, which one would you choose? [3]

Behzab, your discussion is faulty from the very beginning because you have chosen to represent several charities in your essay instead of only one as required by the prompt. The essay would have actually been better off in presentation if you had chosen one cause, like the need to support a soup kitchen due to people who lack access to food. The soup kitchen is where people can go to have a free meal once a day, which is sometimes the only food that these people get. Then you could have developed your discussion from there. So you could have said "If I were to support a charity in need it would the Salvation Army food kitchen. The Salvation Army food kitchen provides free food to 150 homeless people a day. They need more donations because...". Such a focused presentation, of the name of the charity, the function of the charity, and the reasons that they require the donation is what this essay discussion requires. One charity, several reasons why you want to support them. That is how you approach this type of direct question essay.

Writing Feedback / Broadcasting manipulation to promote clothes, fashion advertisements is a prevailing trend [4]

@hanhhnhii since this is a task 2 essay, the opening statement is reserved for the opening paraphrase. It is not to be used for the immediate discussion of the essay topic. You need to first, introduce the reader to the topic and the discussion instructions because the assumption is that the reader has no access to the original prompt requirement and as such, you will need to explain it in your own words for their understanding. The paraphrase is:

People are often motivated to buy consumer goods through advertising. This presents some problems for the buyers. This essay will present some of the problems that the persuasive advertisements pose for the consumers. After which, suggestions as to how to avoid or solve these problems will be given.

Since your opinion is not being asked for in the original prompt, you should not kick off the body of paragraphs with "In my opinion". Use only public references in the discussion as that is what is required in this essay. If your opinion were needed, the original prompt would have said so.

All of your discussions only present a reason and an example, but no supporting statements to strengthen the claims in the paragraph. This is because you are using the 2 reason discussion instead of the more appropriate single reason presentation. Thus, your C&C score will be tremendously low.

Your essay should have at least 4 fully developed paragraphs, including the conclusion which summarizes the discussion. Your concluding statement should be at least 3 sentences long. You have 1 extremely short presentation, this will cause points deductions in your GRA and C&C scores.

Scholarship / UK is the right place to learn about coastal environment and engineering and to broaden my network [3]

Shofia, do not take shortcuts with this pivotal essay. You are rushing it and you are not doing a very good job of creating your application essays in the process. In this instance, you decided that it would be enough to mention the university and simply state that your first and second course choices are housed at that university. Huh? So what then? Why should the reviewer care that these courses exist there? There are no individualized discussions as to why these courses are important to you and how these will help your career in the future. Simply stating that the courses provided suit your needs doesn't tell the reviewer anything about the importance of these courses to your future career. What needs are you talking about? How does the course provide career growth for you? You need to develop the responses by explaining, in individual paragraphs, what academic courses you took that relate to this masters degree and what professional problems completing this course will address. Indicate how your current profession has already given you a background in this area. Do that for each course specification. Chevening doesn't like it when the applicants submit haphazard essays. That normally does not sit well with them and will affect the outcome of your application.

Scholarship / A well-established network has become an essential part of our live and valuable tool for our career [3]

Hadeer, please ignore the advice given above. It is a cut and paste advice of advice that I gave to someone else and does not apply to your essay. Your essay actually responds quite well to the networking question and, obviously the above poster did not read your essay or he did not understand it well enough to realize that you have all of the salient networking discussion points well represented in this essay. In fact, you responded to the questions he posed for you to correct. This essay is perfect for use with this prompt. There is no need to change or explain anything. You can go ahead and use this essay without worry or fear that it is not good enough. It is good enough. It clearly shows a usable network for Chevening to consider and highlights you networking abilities in an appropriate manner.

Scholarship / The success of maintaining good relations - CHEVENING Essay [4]

Obbie, you are not being asked to describe your networking skills. You are being asked to to explain how the network you created became an important function in your job performance. You always speak of this life threatening case that you had to handle in a region of your country. How did you create a network that proved to be of service to your purpose? Who were involved in this network? Do not focus on just the police network. You spoke previously of being able to device a safe way to accomplish the work tasks. What sort of network was involved in making that happen? Discuss the importance of this network in relation to completing auditing tasks in your country. Would this network be of use to Chevening in a way? If you believe it is, then explain why. Bear in mind that the network you speak of here has to be specific because Chevening will require it to be an addition to its network stemming from alumni membership. So do not be so generalized in discussion. You need to be specific and detailed so that Chevening can give your network full consideration.

Scholarship / An effective leader or influencer - CHEVENING SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Obbie, there is just one slight information addition that you should make to this essay in order to make it fully usable for the essay. You need to explain how you protected your subordinates in this instance. A true leader will not only adjust the office related objectives. He will also ensure the safety of his employees in dangerous situations. So what did you do as the leader of the group to enhance the protection of your team? Did you ask the local police for assistance? Did the office supply your team with bodyguards? What did you do to try and diffuse the highly charged situation? Explaining how you protected your team and the welfare of your team members is an important factor to present in this essay. It will help to enhance the leadership skills that you have and also, emphasize the importance of influencing skills in this instance.

Letters / This is a letter of recomentation from the Head of computer engineering department. [3]

Shubhankar, this essay is so meticulous in detail that the reviewer will immediately know that you, not the instructor, wrote this essay. For one thing, the instructor will know that a recommendation letter should never speak for other employees of the university you attended. Rather, he will only speak for himself, within the capacity that he had as a teacher to you. Shorten the paragraphs to only essential information such as your GPA in his class and how he observed your work ethic. Your analytical ability description is another reason that you will be found out as having faked this recommendation letter. While your teacher may the person who signs this, it is still a fake because he was not the one who wrote it. The reference to your time management skills, something that the teacher would not know about because he has not seen your study habits, will be another reason that this letter of recommendation will get flagged. Your other activities as he explains it is also another red flag. An inconsistent statement exists when the teacher claims that "served in the NSS for 2 years during your graduation". If you are in the process of graduating, then that means you are in your final year of school. That statement is inconsistent and further shows that an amateur without a proper grasp of the English language wrote this letter. There are simply too many red flags in this recommendation letter for it to be taken as having been written by the teacher. If you want to make this letter pass scrutiny. Then you have to write a proper recommendation letter that covers the following facts only:

1. The name and designation of the person writing the letter and how long he has known you.
2. An evaluation of your character as a student in his class. Do not refer to your character in situations where the teacher is obviously not there to observe you. Stick to his class performance only.

3. A short list of your most memorable accomplishments in his class. This includes your GPA at the end of the school year.

You need only 3 paragraphs for this letter, not 4. It can be done if you shorten the content of this essay and work towards making your grammar more professional sounding so that it is not so obvious that you wrote your own recommendation letter.

Scholarship / The World's most influential leader [3]

Patrick, this essay is more relevant towards the networking prompt than the leadership and influencing requirements. You can save this essay for use in the networking essay but you will have to write a new essay that focuses on displaying your leadership and influencing abilities in the sense of management issues. This mean, work related discussions. Identify what your profession is. What is your position title? Do you have people who answer to you? What sort of work does your organization do? What problems do you have to deal with? Think of a particularly difficult problem that had you testing your leadership of the team and required you to influence the group or some other person or organization in order to create a successful undertaking. All of your explanations in this essay relate more as to how you run an organization based on a network such as gaining outside sponsorship or crowd funding. That is different from the leadership and influencing requirements. You may want to review the examples here in order to get a better idea as to how you can best respond to the prompt.

Scholarship / NETWORKING FOR HEALTHCARE- NETWORKING ESSAY FOR CHEVENING SCHOLARSHIP [2]

Nzalie, this essay is a perfect response to the networking requirements. As a physician, you truly have a wide network in various medical fields to speak of. It is a normal part of your job and therefore becomes an expected part of your practice. While you do not refer to actual organizations and hospital names in the essay, that is understandable. As a doctor you do not network on a hospital basis, you network on a professional to professional basis. I do not see any reason to revise the content of this essay. I also believe that this essay can help boost your chances at the scholarship. If you would want to increase your chances, you can mention the hospital that your contacts are connected with. I don't find it necessary though so you may want to consider it optional instead. Good work. You can actually use this essay as is. Don't worry about the grammar problems. It does not affect the presentation of your essay. You need to present the essay as is, without grammar changes because the reviewers are also assessing your grasp of the English language and how effectively you can use it in writing papers.

Writing Feedback / Rate and comment on my argumentative essay for GRE- Late night television news viewership decline [4]

Hi Somya, this essay is a far cry from the first one that you wrote. This one shows a clear understanding of the article that you were given for analysis. Your comparison and discussion points were well on the mark. You displayed a clear analysis for every point delivered in the article and your opinions show that you took the time to consider the best method of discussion to prove your points. The representative arguments are enough to create holes in the original arguments. The reader will definitely find himself pondering the discussion presentations you made. This is a highly improved version of a GRE essay on your part. I would not have believed that this essay was written by the same person who made a mistake with the movie production discussion. Good work. Save for the imperfect grammar, which pulled your score down, I would rate this essay at least a 5. Keep up the good work. Focus on improving your sentence structure and vocabulary presentations in your succeeding practice tests.

Scholarship / Leaders are people who makes difference in our world, who think great thoughts, make personal... [4]

Mohamed, your opening paragraph is highly engaging. It allows the reviewer to understand your concept of leadership and influencing. By the way, the term is "quote" not" quota". Sadly, that is the only nice thing about this essay that you wrote. The essay is too filled with amateur leadership skills that does not prove your ability to lead and influence people within your professional setting. All the academic and sports leadership and influencing references that you made are all the foundation for your leadership skills. These are not your leadership skills in professional action. You need to focus on depicting how you have become a leader and influencer in your line of work. The idea, is to prove that you have the leadership and influencing abilities to effect a positive change in your line of business or within your country upon your return after graduation. Right now, you do not reflect any of these skills in the essay on a professional setting. As such, it becomes a weak presentation because your leadership and influencing abilities rely on a shallow depiction since it is an academic related function in your instance.

Scholarship / I am going to explain several experiences of mine that proving my leadership and influence skills. [3]

Shofia, the Chevening committee is not interested in the foundation of your leadership skills, which is what your essay is all about. What they want to learn from you is how you apply all those lessons in the workplace. How do you handle stressful leadership situations that require you to influence your subordinates into following your various decisions in order to have a successful outcome? While leadership theories can be learned in books and classes, and a person can be trained to become a true leader, that person cannot claim to be a true leader and influencer in his profession, with the potential to become a leader and influencer of sorts in his own country, if he has no true leadership experience to exemplify his leadership lessons and achievements by. This is why you cannot use all of the contents that you created for this essay. There is nothing in it to justify a solid professional leadership personality. You will have to base the professional leadership and influencing personality on the work you do for your father's company instead. You will be up against applicants who are politicians, up and coming business leaders, and economic policy advisers in their home countries for this scholarship. Therefore, your application qualifications need to come up to par with the credentials of the other applicants. while your experience will be usable for an ordinary masters degree SOP, it is not Chevening material. Therefore, you need to up your game with regards to your leadership and influencing credentials.

Scholarship / I want to focus on international HR management as a key factor for my career development (Chevening) [3]

Thy, since this is just a masters degree course you are targeting, you need to only present a 5 year career plan. Anything beyond that amount of time will require you to have a Phd certification. Your career plans should only be for the immediate coverage of your MS certification. One of the main requirements of the Chevening Post Study plan is a UK supported project in your home country. How does HR fit into the priority country projects of the UK in Vietnam? Can you find any justification for that? You must discuss how the UK government sponsored organization in your country supports the improvement of the field of international HR management. If you are unable to find a related UK project in your country then you will not have a good chance of winning this scholarship as the grant prioritizes UK priority projects in specific countries. You have to focus your revision on that missing element without which your application will be refused.

Scholarship / Studying in UK is a life changing experience - Chevening Essay [4]

Mohamed, there is no real career objective in mind in relation to your university and course choices. You claim to have been exposed to the many challenges faced by the multifaceted members of the healthcare field and yet, you failed to deliver an example of at least one of these problems in accordance with your university course choices.

Your essay is weak because it does not consider what problems will be addressed by each university choice. What your interests in learning are differ from the actual profession related problems that you hope to address with each course. You spend too much time discussing irrelevant information such as the ranking of the university and who owns it. The reviewer already knows all of that because he is from the UK. Instead, you should be focusing on creating a believable argument for your enrollment in any of the courses. Base the justification on workplace related concerns in order to properly address the prompt requirement regarding how your work background has prepared you to study each course choice.

Undergraduate / Supplemental UK perspective you bring or experiences you bring you've had to help us understand you [3]

Lisa, you bring a unique perspective to the essay by simply telling the reviewer about your family background. The reasons why you want to succeed in life are clear even though you do not focus on a direct discussion of that in the essay. Knowing that you understand the plight of your family from the time is was created by the early pregnancy of your mother and the trials your parents faced to get their children to where they are now (albeit on different levels), shows the reviewer a perspective coming from stories you were told and what you saw was going on in your family. I would like you to add one personal perspective directly in relation to your brother being an unexpected father as such a young age. Add a point of view that explains how you felt about that considering everything your parents went through, then dial it back to you still being supportive of your brother. That should add more impact the already well written essay that you have here.

Writing Feedback / Number of people think that animals should get rights as people and animals should not be exploited [2]

Guan, you did not provide the complete original prompt along with your response to the essay. You have only indicated the topic sentence and the basis for the discussion. You neglected to provide the discussion instructions so it will be difficult for me to give an accurate review of your essay based upon your presented work. I am not sure if you have actually completed the essay based on the proper instructions at this point. So the only parts that I can review here will be the opening statement and the conclusion as those do not require instruction guidelines as the body of the essay does.

Your opening statement is a confusing paraphrase of the original. For one thing, there is no indication that this topic is debatable as the indication is that it is simply a matter of a difference of opinion between people. That is highly different from a debatable topic. Unfortunately, without the full original prompt, I am unable to help you by providing you with a more accurate example of how to write that part of the essay. As such, I also cannot assess if the body discussion you provided is sufficient based upon the original discussion instructions.

Your closing paragraph is inaccurate as you proceeded to discuss your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph. That should be in a paragraph within one of the body paragraphs instead. The concluding paragraph should just recap the discussion of the topic provided. You did not do that so the essay is open ended instead of concluded.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 For the past year you have been a member of a local club. Now you want to end your membership [2]

@acsstudent you have a pretty good grasp of what you want to say. The problem is in your sentence structure and vocabulary. While I can understand what it is that you want to say, a better grammar presentation will help you to increase your GRA and C&C score. It is not easy to spot your mistakes when typing these practice essays. However, there are things that you can do which can help you improve your grammar skills.

One of the things you can do is run your essay through the free online grammar checkers. That will help you spot the problem points and it can offer you information regarding the proper vocabulary and sentence structure to use. If you have Windows 10 installed in your computer, Word 2016 can help you do this because the program is designed to spot grammar problems and correct it, with suggested words and reference to the grammar rule your structure or choice of words violated. It is a very helpful learning tool for ESL learners.

Scholarship / I consider guiding and leading people towards positivism and working for their rights [6]

Laila, I would like to commend you on your essay because you have shown a clear leadership foundation and development during your academic years. It is truly unfortunate that you cannot use the beginnings of your leadership abilities in this essay. As Chevening is looking for current leaders and influencers in their home country, this applies more to a professional setting instead of an academic or socio-civic setting. You cannot use this essay because of the lack of professional application of your leadership abilities. That is because the scholarship requires their candidates to have the potential to change their country either on a business or political level. So you need to think about your current profession and how it can prove that you have the potential to be a game changer in your profession based upon your potential studies. If you can prove that you have that ability, you will be able to revise the essay into a more appropriate presentation based on the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Face the dynamic changes in communication sector by continuing my study in PR - CHEVENING [4]

Bella, you need to clarify what you have a need to execute different Public Relations techniques. What is your specific problem or problems in this area that you hope to overcome with the completion of a masters education? Your reference to the usefulness of a PR masters course is too vague to make an impression regarding its applicability to your chosen courses. Widen the discussion because you need to justify how you hope to make change in at least 3 avenues of PR relevance. Additionally, you need to create a reference to a specific career goal / training objective in reference to each course / university. The prompt asks you to specific how each course will allow you have some sort of career growth so you need to indicate a specific career path for each course you have chosen. You cannot have the same career path for each course because each course has a different focus. Don't get those presentations confused with your common goal or objective for your masters course though. Those are obviously 2 different presentations.

Scholarship / Description of My Job Experience for Chevening Scholarship [4]

Shofia, your work experience is impressively varied. The short descriptions that you provided for your work responsibilities are informative and shows that you are capable of working in various capacities regardless of the situation or job description. I am just worried though that because of these varied experiences, your application might be questioned. In most instances, applicants for scholarship grants only focus their employment listing on those related to the masters degree that they are applying for and whatever their current position of employment is. That is to avoid confusion on the part of the reviewer who might find it hard to keep track of your relevant work experience in your list. I suggest that you adjust your list accordingly, skipping the presentation of non-related work opportunities that you had. That way the reviewer can find it easier to compare you work experiences. Unless of course, the removal of those other work experiences will make you fall below the work hours requirement. In which case, don't remove the other work experiences that you have had.

Writing Feedback / What does it mean to be an "Aussie?" [3]

Yet again a highly entertaining piece of writing from you. This is fun to read and it does take the reader on the journey of what it means to be an Aussie. However, I find that there are some points in the presentation where additional information is required before the information that you present. For example, when you said that most of the Aussies are mostly born overseas, then you say that you are not a typical Aussie, I take that to mean that you were not born in Australia. So why not identify where you came from so that when you say you may not be a typical Aussie Bogan, the reader knows what you are talking about. That's the only part that I actually find a bit hard to understand in your writing due to what I feel, is a missing reference to connect the two statements.

Graduate / Outline your intersets in pursuing a gradute program (Personal Statement) 200 words. [3]

Kareem, remove the word fillers in your statement because the reviewer already knows this suck up information that you are providing. It will just irritate him because you are mentioning things he already knows in such a word requirement sensitive statement:

Undoubtedly, the University of XXXX is recognized internationally for being a research-intensive university. So,
in this prestigious university and
....etc.
For instance,
Also,

Your response is already informative so you do not need the above list of words to enhance the essay. Just inform the reviewer directly in order to ensure that he reads every bit of information that you hope to share and impress him with. The last sentence in your statement refers to a continued academic learning rather than the plans for a professional career as the prompt requires. Revise your response to indicate what sort of job you hope to perform after completing this masters degree instead.

Scholarship / Continuous development and networking with MasterCard Foundation Scholars [3]

Ugbashi, we have a one essay per thread limitation here so I can only advice you as per the first posting that you made. You will need to start a new thread for the other essay if you want to have me advice you on the content of the second essay. Those are the rules of the forum so please follow them or risk having your account flagged. Thank you.

You have not accurately responded to the prompt because you have given a generalized comment in the essay. The approach to the response should be more university specific. You need to look up the University of Edinburgh in relation to the masters degree you hope to study there and then asses the university offerings and course curriculum. Look at the reasons why this would become a unique learning experience for you. What is it about the experience of studying at the university that would help to transform you from the person you are now, to the person you want to be? Only if you understand what is special about the university will you be able to explain how the learning experience can be transformative for you.

Scholarship / exploring philanthropic interest through the medium of design and architecture [2]

Ayu, this is not a proper professional networking essay for the Chevening scholarship. The networking promot is very specific. It needs to be profession related ruing the time when yo were not a student anymore and instead, has you already practicing your skills in a professional setting. So this means, you need to highlight how you created these professional networks after you graduated. i will grant that these networks could have been built during your academic years, but the prompt is not asking about your academic network. So you need to transfer those to a professional setting and you need to explain why this network will be an excellent addition to the Chevening network. What benefit can the scholars gain from your network? I don't really get the sense that this network has any use to Chevening so you need to justify it. How do you use your network in your line of work? How does your network get any benefit from their relationship with you? What is the basis of the network you created? Revise your essay to respond to the guide questions and remember you need to discuss a professional setting so class projects and student competitions are out of this essay.

Writing Feedback / When is Rome, do as the Romans do. Acceptation for the foreign culture. Direct question essay. [3]

SG, I think your overall score for this direct question essay could fall under the marker of 6. Your paraphrasing shows that you understood the question and how you had to respond to it. The problem, is that you treated it like an opinion essay (I will discuss my ideas below) when you were only directed to immediately present your opinion at the end of the paraphrase. The actual discussion build up was in the next paragraphs and you did not have to say that anymore. Your discussions are understandable but not properly developed in terms of cohesiveness, cohesion, and grammar structure. That did not affect the way that the reader understood your presentation though so you got a consistent 6 in the scoring considerations. This is a pretty good, passable essay. You just need to improve on your grammar structure and sentence development presentations.

Scholarship / Leadership is about empowering the team, pushing own idealistic is bad decision in designing project [2]

Ayu, please remove the reference to your being a treasurer of the student union. It is not really an acceptable leadership position because it is an academic related position and was not developed in a proper manner suitable for the presentation. It is irrelevant to the essay. However, your early projects as a student qualifies as a professional experience due to the elements you presented in the essay. Since you were a newcomer at the time, you need to take the opportunity to prove your leadership and influencing skills in a manner that showcases your early abilities in these areas. Give specific examples of how you won the respect of the contractor through leadership and influence on your part. Do the same for a project that you did after your graduation for profit. That way you can show how you developed your leadership and influencing abilities from the time you were a student. The other references as to your clients is not useful in this essay. You don't need to enumerate those. Set those aside as they may come useful in the networking essay.

Undergraduate / Essay about an experience that helped shape my character. [4]

Arushi, this is not exactly an experience essay but more of a contemplative essay. So you did not properly represent the prompt requirement. These are a series of questions that you asked yourself and sought responses to from different people. That is not what the essay is asking you to do. Rather, it is asking you discuss a specific event or experience that you went through which helped shape your character. For example, you spent all your time playing tennis and neglected to prepare for your SAT test. So when you took the test, you ended up failing to get a passing score. Your score was not good enough for your first choice university. The lesson learned was, you can't prioritize an extra curricular activity over an academic one because it will limit your ability to attend a good school. From that point on, you began to prioritize academics over extra curricular activities because you want to get a better grade the next time you take the SAT so you can attend your priority school. That is the kind of character shaping experience that you should be presenting. What you wrote definitely does not respond to the prompt so you should not use it with your application.

Writing Feedback / CBEST writing practice: internet is useful or harmful for human? [3]

Hi Stella, you could probably score as high as a 3 with this essay. I am pretty much sure that you already know where your problems lie in developing these types of essays because you already mentioned a number of them when you asked for a review of this presentation. So, rather than harp on what is wrong with your essay, I would like to focus my advice on how yo can improve your problem points instead.

In order to improve your grammar and syntax, you need to practice English sentences development in a more serious manner. There are actually online free websites that allow you to practice grammar and sentence structures in English. These free websites normally start with simple fill in the blanks tests that get more difficult with every stage that you pass. These would be one of the ways that you can develop your skills in your problem areas.

Another way to improve your grammar and vocabulary is by reading more English based materials. This will help you learn not only vocabulary, but also the proper presentation of English sentences of the simple to complex kind. If you get used to reading materials in English, you will find that these will slowly begin to influence your writing styles which will in turn, help you to improve your English writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Rate and comment on my argumentative essay for GRE - super screen movies [4]

Somya, I am afraid my review of your essay is not good. You score a 0 in this instance because your response is off topic. The argument you were provided indicates that Super Screen is a movie production company. That means the company makes movies. They do not show movies. You mistook the name of the company for a movie theater company. A movie theater company is the company that shows the movies made by the movie production companies. You had an error in understanding the actual meaning of the term 'movie production company" and this led you to misdirect your discussion in the essay. Such a misdirection caused you discuss the topic in a manner that made the prompt go off topic. Which is why you were scored a 0 in this case. Please be very careful abut the way you write the essays. Make sure that you understand what the topic being discussed is all about. When you make a mistake with that, you end up with an off topic and failing score in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Unsatisfying career for those who change job frequently? [3]

Plamena you have fa failed Task Accuracy score because of the severe mistakes you made in the opening paragraph. You did not follow the paraphrasing and discussion instruction requirements of the IELTS essay test. Your opening paraphrase is not different enough from the original presentation to be considered a pure paraphrase. Rather, it is a plagiarized presentation to a certain extent. You also did not present a proper discussion instruction paraphrase. The correct paraphrase is:

There are people who believe that job satisfaction comes from finding the right job early and then sticking to it. Then there are those who frequently change jobs but also declare that they also have a satisfying career. I strongly agree with the first statement that job satisfaction comes from choosing the right job early. I will discuss the reasons that support my opinion in the upcoming paragraphs.

Your opening statement must be so different in presentation from the original that all that is left of the original prompt is the central theme and discussion development representation. What you presented fail in those aspects of TA requirements.

As such, you did not end up discussing the body of the essay in the appropriate manner. This has led to the total failing score of your essay due to an evident lack of understanding of the original prompt requirements. You actually created your own prompt instructions for the topic provided, which is a prompt alteration from the original. Hence the failing score for your essay.

Undergraduate / Applying to the college of arts and sciences and becoming University of Pennsylvania alumni [3]

Hayley, try to avoid mentioning the obvious information in the essay that the reviewer will surely know about. In the second paragraph, mention these influential women only if you plan on enrolling directly in their classes. Otherwise, simply rattling off what makes them special as professors and authors won't make the cut. Don't explain about the interdisciplinary programs. Tell the reviewer why that will help you define your academic and intellectual interests instead.

In the third paragraph. Your opening sentence is old and tired. So is the second sentence in the paragraph. Go directly to the discussion about "I will explore..." because that is the gist of your paragraph. That paragraph will be more interesting if read from a direct approach rather than an introductory approach. If you can format your essay to place the highlights at the start of the paragraphs so that the reviewer can simply scan the essay to get to the points you are trying to make, then there is a better chance he will finish reading your essay.

The rest of your presentation is attuned to the prompt requirements. I don't see any need to change those parts. The revisions should make the essay more interesting to read and allow you to hold the reviewers attention through direct informational contact.