Writing Feedback / IELTS General Task 1- Letter to employer describing the problem [4]

I am writing this letter intend to request your assistance to make a new arrangement of my working time.


Being a ??? year student at Western Australian University, I am required to maintain a certain percentage of attendance for my classes. However, I am now unable to attend the lectures falling on Wednesday and Thursday afternoon.

Writing Feedback / Government budgets should be spent on public transportation or road and highways - Toefl [5]

It's not so complicated. First start the body para with the reason. Then give one specific example to support your reason. Stick to one reason per para and one example per reason. That is the only way you can handle time effectively.

Also, have a very clear statement to express your opinion in the introduction. What you have done is pretty vague.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: "To err is human" - listening to the advice of family and friends [9]

dumi is right about the size of your essay. I too feel it is quite bulky and you really do not have to write so much to gain a decent score for this task. Follow her instructions on the structure and I am sure that will help you a lot.


Both have their own merits


First, family and friends act selflessly in our relationships and they never intend any bad outcome for us.

Research Papers / LEGAL AGE FOR DRINKING - INTRODUCTION [2]


Have you ever seen people drinking alcohol before they turn the age of 21?


Perhaps you may have seen or perhaps not.


The legal age fro drinking has been one of the biggest issues in the USA for a very long time.


The legal age for consuming alcohol in the USA is 21.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Computers have made life easier Vs Complicated ?? [5]

give priority to your real reason. Here the reason is that computers handle transactions much more efficiently and faster in contrast to handling the same manually. Then talk about one specific example like buying railway tickets or withdrawing cash form ATM as the example. Follow this structure;

Writing Feedback / My friend veipune [5]

In life, I had many friends come and go, and it is hard to decide one of them as thewho is the best. As not every friend we met areis good, but at the end we always learnedlearn either a good lesson or a bad lesson from them. Similarly, of all the close friends I've had throughout my life, the one who stands out to teach me a lesson was Veipune Sarah.In my case, there had been just one friend, Veipune Sarah, whose company made me learn only good lessons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Nowadays the way many people intearact with each other has changed [9]

Firstly,technology has facilitatedbeen used for effective communication of people.Today, people can talk to another person effortlessly because there is internet and moreover there are a lot of communication systemapplications on our mobile phones such as whatsup, line, wechat, and skype.If we have anthe Internetinternet which is very easy anymore whenever we wantenables us to speak towith someone else, we can do itirrespective of geographical or time barriers.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; In general , people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of phenomenon [6]

Your body paragraphs seem to be quite lengthy. Have you been able to finish this essay on time? I think you should spend not more than 25 -30 mins for this task. So practice with time and it would help you to manage time effectively at the exam.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : "Mother is the dead heart of the family" - Fatherhood vs Motherhood [7]


You need to improve clarity of your sentences and attend to your grammar too.
First, according to the traditional view, the mother and father have been assigned with their separate roles and responsibilites; mother being responsible for home matters while father being responsible for providing the family with means.


... Linear with world developing? What does that mean?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Graduates should be advised to do a second degree [4]


.... Patients? Do you mean Patience ?

I feel your first and second body para are too close ideas. The second one lacks clarity too. First be sure about the reasons and then pen them down :)

Fresh graduates should start atfromthe bottoma scratch and work their way up the career ladder.

Overall, your body paragraphs need lots of improvement in terms of ideas. It seems you revolve around the same reason :(

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 population in yemen and italy [5]

Yes, I am with dumi too. You don't need to write a conclusion for IELTS writing task 1. You need to write an "overview" of the information. A conclusion should be at the end of a piece of writing. An overview or general summary could go either at the end or near the beginning. Personally, I think it's a good idea to describe the main features of the graph or chart near the beginning of your essay.This is the structure I suggest (which is almost what dumi has suggested)

Writing Feedback / Some are born with talents and others not; Discuss! [5]


Some children are gifted with unique talents.


.... well, this sounds too technical, better use when we are talking about computers :D


... Try to use direct speech and tell things in a more simple and interesting manner;
However, many people believe that born talents are very important in fields like sports and music while some others argue those talents can be taught or trained.

Writing Feedback / Essay For Toefl: With the help of technology student can learn more information [4]


.... well, as per your prompt the other side of the argument is not expressed. So do not inclue that !

Your body paras look pretty big. Have you been able to manage this essay within 20-30 mins?
If not, do not elaborate too much on your examples. Time management is also equally important for this exam :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Classroom learnng vs online education - Which is better? [5]

It is good if you posted your essay topic to the forum for us to understand what it really expects form you.

There are some people who believe that distance learning and online computer classes should replace classroom learning while there are some peopleothers who strongly disagree with this opinion. As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that online classes should never replace traditional classroom learning. I list my reasons as follows.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Young people now have a lot of pressure . [5]

You need to finish one set of ideas and then come to a different set;
Students nowadays are very busy with their studies and do not have adequate time to spend on recreational activities. There are several reasons as to why they have such limited free time and burdened with study pressures.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: What to broadcast on television and what to print in newspapers. [8]

Many people work behind the process of news making includesincluding news editors who isare fully responsible for picking up suitablethe news tothat would be broadcast or printed.


Yes, I agree with MisterWandering. You need to separate them clearly. I know you have a good understanding about the structure to follow. I have seen you advising others in their threads too :) So have your first body para separated to give a fresh beginning to the reader to understand the facts of your arguments.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - HOUSE OR BUSINESS? Which do you prefer more? [4]

Hey, you display good writing skills. However, I like if you stated your opinion in the last line of your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Today more people are travelling than ever before, why is this the case? [5]


.... this has several issues - grammar , spelling ...
It is certainly true that people travel more than they did before.


This is an incomplete sentence. You need to complete your idea.
What is the purpose of writing this essay? Is it for TOEFL or IETLS? You should have included the prompt in your essay!

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers ? It's a controversial issue [9]

Your body paragraphs look pretty too long. I guess you are practicing for TOEFL or IELTS. If so, avoid such lengthy paragraphs because these tasks have a major bearing on time.

Writing Feedback / It is astonishing that people keep in circling in their comfort zone and avoid life variation [4]


No worries :D .... Here I am agian :D
It is astonished that people keep in circling in their comfort zone and avoid life variation, whether world changing force most of inhabitant to take a challenge.

The second part sounds pretty confusing and tends to destroy the effect of the first part :(

Obviously, it is keen to alignedalign several causes related to this problem to find solutions. ... what does this mean? Not clear :(
Do the hook, background and thesis... that's what most important!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Computers have made life easier Vs Complicated ?? [5]

First, you should have had the full prompt included here for us to get a clear idea as to what it expects form you. Without seeing that our comments may not be that appropriate :D

However, it seems you follow the most appropriate structure for this task that helps you earn a decent score as well as manage time efficiently. Also you write pretty well. The only point I need to stress is that you should not spend too much time on body paras (the first body para seems to be a bit too lengthy) as you may run out of time to complete the task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The best way to improve public health- increasing sports facilities? [4]

Moreover, improving sports facilities may motivate more and more people to take care of their health and fitness because when such attractive facilities are in vicinity, the people tend to take the advantage of them.

First tell the reason clearly and then support this reason with an example :)
Your follow the most appropriate structure and you write pretty well too :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl - essay evaluation - Many subject learning is better or specializing in one subject [2]


which can be availed.... "avail" may not be the best word for this idea. My suggestion;
Knowledge is power and it can be acquired by educating ourselves through a good learning process.


What does this mean? I find hard to understand its connection to your topic :(


.... I feel you should have had this sentence soon after the first one :)

Writing Feedback / Its Hard to say Goobye [3]


It is painful to say goodbye to someone you do not want to let go out of your life. Such a feeling or thought is pretty agonizing because those people mean so much to you and you feel that they are part of your life.


I feel you should take this sentence off . It is overdone otherwise. You already used two sentences to tell the same idea and overdoing would harm the flow of your essay :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: WHY DO YOU NEED MUSIC? [5]

Hey what is the real prompt for this task... that's pretty confusing for me :( ...Is it -


If so , then where is your introduction? You need to have an introduction , body paragraphs and a conclusion for your essay if you aim to gain a good score for this task. However, I am confused about the configuration of this essay :(

Writing Feedback / What is Love? What does it mean to you? [3]


Why not keep this in present tense? Of course we need love today and also tomorrow :D
Therefore, Lewis essentially said that love is an utmost important factor for one to be happy.


On the contrary, deep affection can also be the cause for nine tenths of miserable encounters that we face in our lives.


Others many argue that love reflects the weakness of our hearts.

Writing Feedback / Let's make mineral soup.......... [4]

This paper describes how FeS2 was prepared using a common solvothermal method. The sol mixture was prepared using sodium thiosulfate (Na2S2O3, 99.9%, Junsei Chemical, Japan) and iron chloride hexahydrate (FeCl3-6H2O, 99.9%, Junsei Chemical, Japan) that provided S and Fe sources.

Why haven't you included this part -

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Wealthy nations among poorer nations; 'level of export' [5]


.
Economic condition of a country determines the level of wealthiness of its citizens.

Well, it seems you write very well. However, you may need to follow a structure that helps you include all features that are important for a good score as well as manage time efficiently because this task has a bearing on time.

Writing Feedback / Internet advantages and disadvantages. [4]

I doubt whether your essay contain adequate number of words it should carry for this task :( Seems pretty too short!
However some people think that it has a lots of drawbacks


First of all the Internet offers convenient and efficient solutions to our lives.


or wrote letters by hand
Overall, you seem to be having a good idea about the essay structure. Improve presentation of ideas a bit more. You write well :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: WHO DECIDE TO CHOOSE SUBJECT FOR CHILDREN [4]


This would sound more clear and nicer if you expressed in direct speech. Passive voice is not so powerful in convincing your ideas. Also, shorten the length of your sentence to enhance clarity of your ideas;

Therefore, who should choose the subjects for curriculum has been always a debate. Some argue that teachers should handle this task, but some others view that it should be handled by the authorities.

Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget, [9]


This is a too obvious idea. You should start your essay with a sentence that hooks reader's interest towards your writing. Therefore avoid opening your essay with too obvious uninteresting ideas.

In many under developed countries, where poverty is the big problem , of peopleand theypeople cannot afford even basics needs of life such as food, medicine and education, such people are doing any kind of work for some money

This is sentence is too long :( Therefore it does not deliver your idea clearly.

Writing Feedback / Some people argue that it is more importsnt to have enjoyable job that to earn a lot. [6]


... well, how can the job be delightful? good salary or job satisfaction? That is exactly what your prompt intends to know. So you need to be more specific here .


Follow this structure for your introduction;

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : Distance Education or Classroom-based learning. Agree Disagree [3]

Well, I feel you have some idea about how to construct your introduction. However, you have not sufficiently introduced the background of the title. This is the suggestion that dumi often gives for the introduction of this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Capital punishment (the death penalty) in society [12]

GivingImplementation of capital punishment has been a controversy for years.
Good hook :)
Some people believe that this kind of punishment is essential to apply because they believe thatcriminals tend to repeat their crimeas they live for it.it would discourage people committing crimes due to fear being punished severely. However, some others believe that imprisoning criminals for quite long time will be better as it is more humane.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: some actions should be taken to preserve the endangered languages [7]

There has been much discussion as to whether it is essential to prevent the trendprotect the these dying languages.


Ok, what is your opinion about that. Your prompt says -


... so you need to answer this question in the introduction itself. It is better to conclude your intro with a statement that explicitly express your opinion :)

Undergraduate / My education was not just about getting degree; Statement of intent [3]


From my childhood to teens I had myself involved with all sorts of visual arts.


Canada is the best choice for me because it shares similar weather and climatic conditions of my country.Therefore the architectural forms of construction too share similar norms and also the materials.

Writing Feedback / Many people oppose changes, yet those changes make's big differences; moving or? [3]


... change makes / changes make
Well, the first part of this sentence (in italics) sounds very impressive, but its unnecessary length destroys its effect :( You don't have to have examples in the introduction as its prime objective is to introduce your topic to the reader. In the body paragraphs you need to give the reasons to justify your opinion and then support those reasons with the examples. Therefore, body paras are the place for you to have examples.

Writing Feedback / BENEFITS AND DRAWBACKS OF CREDIT CARDS [4]

Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? Or for some other purpose? Good to mention that because these tasks have their specific requirements and therefore we can give our comments accordingly :)

There is no doubt that the process of financial transactionsis currentlyhas been simplified viaa lot after the advent of credit cards.
Great hook :) It is very relevant, meaningful and provides a beautiful entrance to your essay :)


They offer very convenient solutions for our daily needs, however, we cannot deny that they also contain certain negative implications, especially when they are not used wisely.

Undergraduate / Bates College- "emancipating potential of the liberal arts" [2]

This is presented very impressively, especially your passion and devotion to arts. However, I feel it is better if you say a little more than how bates is going to be a perfect fit for you. Nothing much is said in that regard. Try to bring in certain features of Bates and show how well they fit in with your interests. You may need to do a little bit of research on Bates for this purpose. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Whether necessary to travel abroad to learn about foreign culture or not [4]


... an increasing


you are narrowing down the scope of your prompt which says -


... culture is just one aspect of a country. There are more things other than culture that tourists are interested in. For example, natural beauty, wild life, landscapes, beaches, cuisine etc. So, introduce your prompt in its original sense.

You also need to include examples in your body paragraphs. It is a must feature for this task.