I am writing this letter intend to request your assistance to make a new arrangement of my working time.
As you know, I am a university student at Western Australian University. According to new curriculum of my next semester, I would attend lectures on Wednesday and Thursday afternoon.
Being a ??? year student at Western Australian University, I am required to maintain a certain percentage of attendance for my classes. However, I am now unable to attend the lectures falling on Wednesday and Thursday afternoon.
It's not so complicated. First start the body para with the reason. Then give one specific example to support your reason. Stick to one reason per para and one example per reason. That is the only way you can handle time effectively.
Also, have a very clear statement to express your opinion in the introduction. What you have done is pretty vague.
dumi is right about the size of your essay. I too feel it is quite bulky and you really do not have to write so much to gain a decent score for this task. Follow her instructions on the structure and I am sure that will help you a lot.
Both has their own exquisite merits
Both have their own merits
Firstly, Family and friends are selfless well - wisher and advisers of ours.
First, family and friends act selflessly in our relationships and they never intend any bad outcome for us.
give priority to your real reason. Here the reason is that computers handle transactions much more efficiently and faster in contrast to handling the same manually. Then talk about one specific example like buying railway tickets or withdrawing cash form ATM as the example. Follow this structure;
In life, I had many friends come and go, and it is hard to decide one of them as thewho is the best. As not every friend we met areis good, but at the end we always learnedlearn either a good lesson or a bad lesson from them. Similarly, of all the close friends I've had throughout my life, the one who stands out to teach me a lesson was Veipune Sarah.In my case, there had been just one friend, Veipune Sarah, whose company made me learn only good lessons.
Firstly,technology has facilitatedbeen used for effective communication of people.Today, people can talk to another person effortlessly because there is internet and moreover there are a lot of communication systemapplications on our mobile phones such as whatsup, line, wechat, and skype.If we have anthe Internetinternet which is very easy anymore whenever we wantenables us to speak towith someone else, we can do itirrespective of geographical or time barriers.
Your body paragraphs seem to be quite lengthy. Have you been able to finish this essay on time? I think you should spend not more than 25 -30 mins for this task. So practice with time and it would help you to manage time effectively at the exam.
Firstly, the old view people often separated mother and father in the two big roles; mother responsible at home and father responsible as the breadwinner.
You need to improve clarity of your sentences and attend to your grammar too. First, according to the traditional view, the mother and father have been assigned with their separate roles and responsibilites; mother being responsible for home matters while father being responsible for providing the family with means.
Linear with world developing, mothers do work for earning money commonly seen in many part of world.
... Linear with world developing? What does that mean?
I feel your first and second body para are too close ideas. The second one lacks clarity too. First be sure about the reasons and then pen them down :)
Fresh graduates should start atfromthe bottoma scratch and work their way up the career ladder.
Overall, your body paragraphs need lots of improvement in terms of ideas. It seems you revolve around the same reason :(
Yes, I am with dumi too. You don't need to write a conclusion for IELTS writing task 1. You need to write an "overview" of the information. A conclusion should be at the end of a piece of writing. An overview or general summary could go either at the end or near the beginning. Personally, I think it's a good idea to describe the main features of the graph or chart near the beginning of your essay.This is the structure I suggest (which is almost what dumi has suggested)
.... well, this sounds too technical, better use when we are talking about computers :D
However, it is also sparked a heated debate that a child who is not born with in-built talents, can achieve these talents?
... Try to use direct speech and tell things in a more simple and interesting manner; However, many people believe that born talents are very important in fields like sports and music while some others argue those talents can be taught or trained.
However, some people believe that technology helps students to learn more information in a short time and other think the opposite .
.... well, as per your prompt the other side of the argument is not expressed. So do not inclue that !
Your body paras look pretty big. Have you been able to manage this essay within 20-30 mins? If not, do not elaborate too much on your examples. Time management is also equally important for this exam :)
It is good if you posted your essay topic to the forum for us to understand what it really expects form you.
There are some people who believe that distance learning and online computer classes should replace classroom learning while there are some peopleothers who strongly disagree with this opinion. As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that online classes should never replace traditional classroom learning. I list my reasons as follows.
You need to finish one set of ideas and then come to a different set; Students nowadays are very busy with their studies and do not have adequate time to spend on recreational activities. There are several reasons as to why they have such limited free time and burdened with study pressures.
Many people work behind the process of news making includesincluding news editors who isare fully responsible for picking up suitablethe news tothat would be broadcast or printed.
It's hard to distinguish your introduction from your body paragraph. You don't need to go into details in the introduction and the examples are not quite necessary here. Instead, you should state the main topic of the essay and express your opinion or answer the given question clearly.
Yes, I agree with MisterWandering. You need to separate them clearly. I know you have a good understanding about the structure to follow. I have seen you advising others in their threads too :) So have your first body para separated to give a fresh beginning to the reader to understand the facts of your arguments.
It is certainly true, peole are travel more than before.
.... this has several issues - grammar , spelling ... It is certainly true that people travel more than they did before.
Because of the increasing facilities in transportation.
This is an incomplete sentence. You need to complete your idea. What is the purpose of writing this essay? Is it for TOEFL or IETLS? You should have included the prompt in your essay!
Your body paragraphs look pretty too long. I guess you are practicing for TOEFL or IELTS. If so, avoid such lengthy paragraphs because these tasks have a major bearing on time.
I was posted the same prompt in several days ago. But have unsatisfied with my writing. Here I try to make the newest with the different explanation. I hope for some member especially who followed my progress can give me enlightening advices. Thanks in advance :)
No worries :D .... Here I am agian :D It is astonished that people keep in circling in their comfort zone and avoid life variation, whether world changing force most of inhabitant to take a challenge.
The second part sounds pretty confusing and tends to destroy the effect of the first part :(
Obviously, it is keen to alignedalign several causes related to this problem to find solutions. ... what does this mean? Not clear :( Do the hook, background and thesis... that's what most important!
First, you should have had the full prompt included here for us to get a clear idea as to what it expects form you. Without seeing that our comments may not be that appropriate :D
However, it seems you follow the most appropriate structure for this task that helps you earn a decent score as well as manage time efficiently. Also you write pretty well. The only point I need to stress is that you should not spend too much time on body paras (the first body para seems to be a bit too lengthy) as you may run out of time to complete the task.
Moreover, improving sports facilities may motivate more and more people to take care of their health and fitness because when such attractive facilities are in vicinity, the people tend to take the advantage of them.
First tell the reason clearly and then support this reason with an example :) Your follow the most appropriate structure and you write pretty well too :)
which can be availed.... "avail" may not be the best word for this idea. My suggestion; Knowledge is power and it can be acquired by educating ourselves through a good learning process.
Subjective and objective information is required to be remarkable in competitive world
What does this mean? I find hard to understand its connection to your topic :(
Universities and schools offer courses consisting of several subjects
.... I feel you should have had this sentence soon after the first one :)
It' s painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go because they mean so much to you and theythe thought of them leaving is so agonizing.
It is painful to say goodbye to someone you do not want to let go out of your life. Such a feeling or thought is pretty agonizing because those people mean so much to you and you feel that they are part of your life.
Its never easy and it's probably one of the most challenging experience a person has to face.
I feel you should take this sentence off . It is overdone otherwise. You already used two sentences to tell the same idea and overdoing would harm the flow of your essay :(
Hey what is the real prompt for this task... that's pretty confusing for me :( ...Is it -
Music is know as a spiritual food without less in your life. There are many different types of music in the world and we can appreciate it everyday. It is the reason, why do we need music?
If so , then where is your introduction? You need to have an introduction , body paragraphs and a conclusion for your essay if you aim to gain a good score for this task. However, I am confused about the configuration of this essay :(
Therefore, Lewis essentially said love was of utmost importance in terms of happiness.
Why not keep this in present tense? Of course we need love today and also tomorrow :D Therefore, Lewis essentially said that love is an utmost important factor for one to be happy.
On the contrary, affection can also be the cause for nine-tenths of the miserable happenings that occur throughout our lives.
On the contrary, deep affection can also be the cause for nine tenths of miserable encounters that we face in our lives.
Others might argue that love is actually a means of weakness in our hearts.
Others many argue that love reflects the weakness of our hearts.
This paper describes how FeS2 was prepared using a common solvothermal method. The sol mixture was prepared using sodium thiosulfate (Na2S2O3, 99.9%, Junsei Chemical, Japan) and iron chloride hexahydrate (FeCl3-6H2O, 99.9%, Junsei Chemical, Japan) that provided S and Fe sources.
Why haven't you included this part -
Synthesized FeS2 and TiO2 powders and FeS2/TiO2 composites were examined by X-ray diffraction (MPD, PANalytical) using nickel-filtered CuKα radiation (30 kV, 30 mA). FeS2 has been prepared so far by different methods such as thermal sulfuration 19, 20, mechanochemical milling 21, 22.
Economic growth of a country determines the wealthy level of its citizen.
. Economic condition of a country determines the level of wealthiness of its citizens.
Well, it seems you write very well. However, you may need to follow a structure that helps you include all features that are important for a good score as well as manage time efficiently because this task has a bearing on time.
I doubt whether your essay contain adequate number of words it should carry for this task :( Seems pretty too short! However some people think that it has a lots of drawbacks
First of all internet noticeably facilitates our lifes.
First of all the Internet offers convenient and efficient solutions to our lives.
or wrote by hand letters
or wrote letters by hand Overall, you seem to be having a good idea about the essay structure. Improve presentation of ideas a bit more. You write well :)
Therefore, the decision about selecting subjects for standard curriculum has led to a debate of whether teachers or central authorities would shoulder such vital responsibility.
This would sound more clear and nicer if you expressed in direct speech. Passive voice is not so powerful in convincing your ideas. Also, shorten the length of your sentence to enhance clarity of your ideas;
Therefore, who should choose the subjects for curriculum has been always a debate. Some argue that teachers should handle this task, but some others view that it should be handled by the authorities.
This is a too obvious idea. You should start your essay with a sentence that hooks reader's interest towards your writing. Therefore avoid opening your essay with too obvious uninteresting ideas.
In many under developed countries, where poverty is the big problem , of peopleand theypeople cannot afford even basics needs of life such as food, medicine and education, such people are doing any kind of work for some money
This is sentence is too long :( Therefore it does not deliver your idea clearly.
Some people think that it is better to have adelightfulldelightful job,
... well, how can the job be delightful? good salary or job satisfaction? That is exactly what your prompt intends to know. So you need to be more specific here .
Some people think that it is better to have a delightfull job, while others argue that a good salary is more beneficial. Before drawing a reasoned conclusion let us first discuss both sides of view.
Well, I feel you have some idea about how to construct your introduction. However, you have not sufficiently introduced the background of the title. This is the suggestion that dumi often gives for the introduction of this task.
GivingImplementation of capital punishment has been a controversy for years. Good hook :) Some people believe that this kind of punishment is essential to apply because they believe thatcriminals tend to repeat their crimeas they live for it.it would discourage people committing crimes due to fear being punished severely. However, some others believe that imprisoning criminals for quite long time will be better as it is more humane.
There has been much discussion as to whether it is essential to prevent the trendprotect the these dying languages.
It is not uncommon to see that several languages become extinct every year. There has been much discussion as to whether it is essential to prevent the trend. Some people argue that the preservation of endangered languages is not important since fewer languages can make life easier.
Ok, what is your opinion about that. Your prompt says -
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
... so you need to answer this question in the introduction itself. It is better to conclude your intro with a statement that explicitly express your opinion :)
From my childhood to my teenage years I had encountered with all sorts of visual arts.
From my childhood to teens I had myself involved with all sorts of visual arts.
Canada was a choice of similarity to my country as they both share almost similar climate conditions and so construction of architecture forms requires following resemble construction norms and usage of materials.
Canada is the best choice for me because it shares similar weather and climatic conditions of my country.Therefore the architectural forms of construction too share similar norms and also the materials.
Many people oppose changes, yet those changes make'smake big differences like the genetic difference between apes and human is barely 3% but human welcomed changes and shaped a speculating planet earth.
... change makes / changes make Well, the first part of this sentence (in italics) sounds very impressive, but its unnecessary length destroys its effect :( You don't have to have examples in the introduction as its prime objective is to introduce your topic to the reader. In the body paragraphs you need to give the reasons to justify your opinion and then support those reasons with the examples. Therefore, body paras are the place for you to have examples.
Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? Or for some other purpose? Good to mention that because these tasks have their specific requirements and therefore we can give our comments accordingly :)
There is no doubt that the process of financial transactionsis currentlyhas been simplified viaa lot after the advent of credit cards. Great hook :) It is very relevant, meaningful and provides a beautiful entrance to your essay :)
They have performed many essential roles in daily people's basics, however, containing the threat of substantial debt due to the improper uses of this tool.
They offer very convenient solutions for our daily needs, however, we cannot deny that they also contain certain negative implications, especially when they are not used wisely.
This is presented very impressively, especially your passion and devotion to arts. However, I feel it is better if you say a little more than how bates is going to be a perfect fit for you. Nothing much is said in that regard. Try to bring in certain features of Bates and show how well they fit in with your interests. You may need to do a little bit of research on Bates for this purpose. :)
However, whether it is necessary to travel abroad to experience their cultures has arisen as a controversial issue.
you are narrowing down the scope of your prompt which says -
learn about other countries
... culture is just one aspect of a country. There are more things other than culture that tourists are interested in. For example, natural beauty, wild life, landscapes, beaches, cuisine etc. So, introduce your prompt in its original sense.
You also need to include examples in your body paragraphs. It is a must feature for this task.