Writing Feedback / Mining is tearing up our environment! [4]

Hi Katelyn, I can see that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum contributors. I reckon that there are still some parts that can be strengthened by you in this essay. The detailed descriptions below are my feedback in order to add some missing points.

- I believe that this essay should be in "research paper" category. I hope that next time you can post in the right place. Perhaps, when one of the moderators of this website read this thread, he or she can move this research paper to a proper category.

- When we are talking about research, I think that it should be in the academic format. Then, an academic essay or paper should avoid using personal pronoun(s) such as we, you, us, I, our. I have seen this essay, there are lots of personal pronouns. I would like to cite one of them and try to shift the language use to be academically accepted. Instead of "As technology advances and population gets larger, we use more natural resources and create more man-made items." you can use this "As technology advances and population gets larger, people use more natural resources and create more man-made items." .

- You also suggested to avoid using contraction(s) like this "When we don't see the effects...". An appropriate academic paper would never use this contraction because it makes the paper itself becomes less formal.

- Especially people in third world countries. > Avoid composing a sentence fragment like this. A proper sentence should have subject and verb. This sentence was missing its verb. You can proofread your paper to find similar issues that can possibly corrected.

There you are Katelyn, I hope you find my feedback is useful towards your research paper. Good luck in revising it :)

Scholarship / Friend, I am leaving to Mars next month, and I need your help. [5]

Juan, I think the prompt is quite unique. It is somewhat different from any prompts that I've ever known. I believe that the story that you've created is creative and somehow it makes sense. Who knows in 100 years ahead people will be able to migrate to other planets easily. If the prompt asks you to defined the payment process. You've done it very well. I reckon that the story is another point but it didn't disturb the way you explain the payment process. So, I think it is a well-written essay. However, I've also found some of grammatical inaccuracies that perhaps you can improve. The detailed descriptions below would explain it briefly.

4th paragraph:
- She had green eyes and an invitinga tempting smile. Her lips was really smooth.
- She looked like one of those beautiful/sexy models in the digital ads.
- Friend, I believe I found my soulmate.

5th paragraph:
- Tomorrow is my last day before leaving... (if it was an appositive, you need one more word. If you give comma, the subject is missing.)

6th paragraph:
- Or should I move to Mars? It is a place where the future exists and the air is as clean as linen.

As seen, only minor flaws that matters. I believe that you've always composed a good piece of writing. It is nice to read your essay. Good luck for the scholarship mate :)

Writing Feedback / It is not necessary to attach the teacher's payment to the student's learning capacity [3]

Bidhan, welcome to EssayForum :) In the detailed descriptions below are my contributions towards your essay. I hope you can follow through the feedback given in order to improve your writing skill for the next practice.

1st paragraph:
- Personally, I believe teachers should notdisagree if teachers should be paid according to the progress of the student, as each students are different from the other due to some of them take considerable time to grasp the subject matter. (stop right here, create a new sentence)Thisit might create conflict between the teachers, and low economic status students might be deprived oftheir quality of education. (I have no idea why so many IELTS candidates are using long-but-inaccurate sentence. This is not suggested at all. You need to consider what IELTS writing band descriptors said "attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences" You can get only 5.0 in your grammatical range and accuracy part)

2nd paragraph:
- ThereforeThus , they are faster in grasping the subject matter.. (Therefore is usually used in the last part of a paragraph)
- ...might have already understood the subject where aswhereas the rest of the...

3rd paragraph:
- ...the teachers who are paid highreceived a higher payment can be bossy to the teachers who are averagely paidobtain average salary .
- ...that their payment can be increased...

4th paragraph:
- Some of the upper economic statuswealthy students... (mind the capitalization)
- ...but low economic status students with low financial condition might be forced to discontinue...
- if a student is good at his studiesstudy but he is not economicallyhis economic condition is unstable(it is better to use Unstable rather than not stable. This will enhance your lexical resource score)

5th paragraph:
- FinallyIn conclusion , I believe it is not necessaryunnecessary to.. (As I've said before, playing word formation can boost your lexical score. However, 'finally' is different from conclusion, be careful.)

Undergraduate / Pursuing a Diploma of Leadership and Management course in Canterbury Technical Institute, Australia [4]

Hi Laura, welcome to EssayForum :) With regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses with hope that you can revise this essay in a better way. It will be described in the descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- My Name is Laura Iphigenia, ..................................Canterbury Technical Institute, Australia.(I think that this is not necessary at all because you have introduced yourself in other parts of the application. Mentioning your name will be redundant. You need to remember that introduction paragraph is the most essential part to impress the selection committee.)

2nd paragraph:
- Indonesian education system or learning method and a way of thinking have a huge different from developed countries education system which is bigger and qualified. (you can simplify this sentence, quite confusing) How about this:

- There is a huge gap between Indonesian education system and developed countries education system. In developed countries, their education systems have a better quality than Indonesia.

- Therefore, I now intendhave a tendency to study overseas whatsince ithavehas been my biggest dream for a very long timein order to get better education.

- Studying overseas assist me beingmakes me become more independent and being mature due to the experience that I possibly get by studying overseas.(I took some parts of the next sentence and combine it here)asI will be living alone without my parent.(this is redundant. everyone knows that studying overseas means you are alone without your parents)

- Australia is the third most popular destination ........................ in higher education. (I have no idea why did you mention this fact but I think it didn't relate to your study plan at all.)

- International student contribute.. (capitalization)

3rd paragraph:
- There are three main reasons why I select this institute and major:
- Thereby, (comma needed) it is very helpful for me who was looking for...
- ..the centercentre of Brisbane CBD (CenterCentre Business District). (I think you should also get used to British English because you're going to study in Australia)

- learn how to builtbuild relationships

4th paragraph:
- My parent extremely supportS me to study in Australia, and they will covered all of my expenses during my study in Australia.
- I am so glad and thankful to have mya parent who always gives me the best...

Scholarship / Difference in my personal life is my dream and new career-ENDEAVOUR SCHOLARSHIP ENTRY [7]

Alima, here's my contribution towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- I do believe that the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.(if this was a quote from a well-known person, you need to mention who he/she was. If I'm not mistaken, this had previously stated by Eleanor Roosevelt)

- Since young, I have always havehad an eye for art... (present perfect)
- ...it has always been a dream for me to study Design/Multimedia design or multimedia. (no need to be capitalized, and it is better to use letters/words rather than symbol)

- However, life in the Philippines was not easy(negative sense, somehow it indicates that you are a person who often complains rather than appreciate. I think it is unnecessary) and has to appreciate what my parents could only afford for us.

- And soMoreover , I did not have a Bachelor's degree in Design because... (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so are informal expression if it is placed in the beginning of the sentence)

- Nevertheless, after graduation, I was employed atby my Alma mater at the Office of the President. (period, new sentence) thereIn that place, they had discovered my pure/powerful/valuable/remarkable strength and passion in design. (pick one of them)

2nd paragraph:
- ...it would change my whole life for it will give me a pathway to the design industry(how?) and a new career as well. (needs example or elaboration. If the words limit bother you, you can summarize your first paragraph by deleting unimportant details.

As seen, you still need a lot of works to be done. Good luck in revising this essay. :)

Writing Feedback / Technological dependence - Social Science final exam [3]

Hi Wendy, I think this is quite long for a final exam essay. Therefore, I would like to just straightforward explaining my feedback in the descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- ...in 12,000 adults, 61% millennial (18-24) (space needed) believe it can making people less human, while 59% millennial felt that society has become too dependdependent on it.

2nd paragraph:
- Humans are more dependencedependent on technology...
- With the techologytechnology develop quickily quickly, humans are more dependent...
- TechologyTechnology makes our life easier.
- In modern life, everything with techologytechnology is close... (what did you mean by 'close' here?)
- ...such as elevator, Wi-Fi, and Oven.
- Without phones, human cannot remember friend's phone number.(weak idea, it is unnecessary to explain something like this)
- Without phone, they may feel embarrassed to talk with each other face-to-face. (you need to avoid overgeneralizing. How do you know that "they/people" feel embarrassed. I don't think all people do that. You need to narrow it down, for instance, some people may feel embarrassed.)

- Besides, some people who wants to chat with others may drive to their'stheir houses and talk on face-to-face, they just sentsend message or talk on the phone. (why did you use past form "sent"?)

- If ask people to give their own opinions about if human more reliable on it, it must be in one sides, 77% people has the same answers that human more reliable on it.(sorry to say I didn't get your idea about this sentence. It was too ambiguous.)

- Thirty years ago, kids are playplayed sports and gettinggot oxygen outsides.
- However, more than 75% of childrensare plays video games and staying doors nowthese days.

As seen, you still need a lot of works to be done. Your sentence structure is quite confusing. You can proofread your essay once again to check the rest of the paragraphs above. I hope this is helpful towards your writing development. Good luck in proofreading this essay. :)

Scholarship / 'My sincere gratitude for awarding me the Legacy Scholarship'; How to Make My Appeal Letter Better? [3]

Hi Binyam, I would like to say welcome to EssayForum :) I hope you find that my feedback will be valuable towards your Appeal Letter above. Thus, I would like to point out your main weaknesses in this essay with the solution about how to strengthen those flaws. The detailed feedback will be delivered in the descriptions below:

- I assume that this essay was too long for an appeal letter. If I'm not mistaken, some of members in this forum have already made the same type of letter and it was around 300 - 500 words. Because I think, the appeal committee only has limited time to check your essay. If your essay stays 937 letters like this, there is a possibility that your essay will not be read completely by the appeal committee. Therefore, making it longer would not bring any goodness towards the essay itself. You are suggested to summarize the information that you're going to deliver.

- I believe that this is a formal essay. In formal essay / letter, you need to AVOID using FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the beginning of the sentence. This makes your letter becomes less formal. It is advisable to use some cohesive devices such as "However" to replace "But", "In addition" to replace "And", "Thus" to replace "So" and many more.

- I have another tips for a formal letter or essay. You have to avoid using contraction(s) like what you've done in your essay, such as "I don't, if I'm" and other contractions. This is somehow considered as impolite expression and it should only be in informal situation or spoken. Keep using this will also make your essay becomes less formal.

That's it Binyam, I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck in revising this letter :)

Writing Feedback / Movies and TV have a cumulative impact by unconsciously shape people's insights and behaviors [3]

Hi Phoenix, here's my contributions towards your essay development. I hope you can follow through my feedback. You can see the detailed descriptions of my feedback below:

1st paragraph:
-There isaremore and morea growing number of familieshavingwho have television at home, and people are more willing to pay for seeingwatching movies.

- This enableS most people to have fun.
- ...I will discuss the negative impacts and the positive impacts ... (I think it is necessary to make an outline (mention keywords or key-phrase) about this statement in order to make a strong introduction)

3rd paragraph:
- Moreover, watching TV or movies with friends and family enhance the bond. (how can watching TV or movies with friends and family can enhance the bond? need more elaboration I think)

4th paragraph:
- If people want to learn how to cook, there are plenty of cooking showS teaching the viewers to cook/make different kinds of dishes.
- There are also many nature programs on TV introducing the wildlife around the world or various environmentS .

6th paragraph:
- it is advised that people should minimize the harmful effects.

However, I think 6 (short) paragraphs are inadequately covered all the necessary information that you need to deliver. Perhaps, the recommended structure would be 1 strong introduction paragraph, 2 main body paragraphs (discussing both sides), and 1 conclusion paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Some causes of adults to get education and comparison of courses costs - in the charts [3]

Nora, I think you still needs a lot of works to be done in this essay. I hope you can follow through my feedback in the detailed descriptions below.

- You need to remember that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Avoid making too complicated sentence (long sentence but inaccurate) like these:

- Overall, it can be seen clearly that, (comma needed) the main reasons of those people to attend school are interestED in subject and to gain qualifications. Then, the highest percentage of those fees expected by them are allocated to individual. (you can separated this sentence)

- Turning to costs of course which are expected to be shared in three parts, the biggest proportion is for individual charge in which it accounts for 40 percent of total fees, whereas for employer is just 35%, (comma is necessary, since this is a continuation of the previous idea) and the percentage of taxpayer is nearly a half.

Remember the criteria of band 5 "attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences" . Therefore, my suggestion is that you need to make a sentence structure that you are sure 100% correct. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1 percentages of students' attendance in four different secondary school categories [3]

Hi Huang, welcome to the team :) I would like to point out some of your weaknesses with hope that you will be able to strengthen it in the next practice. You can see it in the descriptions below:

- Picture! This is essential to IELTS task 1 writing. You need to upload the picture/chart/diagram in order to help us in checking your essay. We will not be able to check your essay thoroughly if you didn't upload the picture/chart/diagram. This is a common problem for a new member but I think it is still can be avoided.

- Pay attention to 150 words minimum words limit. Your essay was just only 147 words. It will be dangerous towards your final grade if you keep doing this. It belongs to the criteria of Task Response, which means you failed to answer the prompt properly. Therefore, you are suggested to write at least 165 - 190 words to make it safer.

- Capitalization is crucial in writing. Remember to always use capital letter in each beginning of a sentence. It belongs to grammatical range and accuracy part. If you want to improve your score in this part, you can avoid making the same mistakes.

As seen, I hope these will help you in enhancing your writing skill in the future, especially in IELTS writing. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The historic (1985) and projected data (2035) of the population age in the United Kingdom [2]

Hi Rahmi, it is so unfortunate that some of your friends got suspended because of meaningless feedback. I would like to suggest to anyone who read this post or comment to be careful in conveying such feedback. I know that some of you might still in a learning process, but at least please struggle really hard to do your best in commenting your friends' essays in the next practice. There are some possibilities in commenting or giving feedback to someone's essay. First, you can mention / describe their grammatical flaws and give corrections. But, if you don't have sufficient grammar skills and feel not confidence, you can just point out their mistakes concerning to the flow of ideas. Is the ideas from the first and second sentence or paragraph connected? if not, what is your solution? You can give alternative sentence or alternative paragraph for that person.

However, with regards to your essay, I can see that you still needs a lot of works to be done. I hope the detailed feedback in the descriptions below will be helpful.

1st paragraph:
- 2 sentences only. Like what I've said before, you need to make at least 3 sentences for a paragraph. Perhaps you can combine your first and second paragraph.

2nd paragraph:
- Overall, the proportion of population for age 65 years and over which was higher wasthan Wales between 1985 and 2035 is described in the chart . (this sentence was a fragment, missing subject and verb. Therefore, I did some modifications)

- Besides that, the lowest number of population with same age the lower was NothernNorthern Ireland. (avoid making confusing sentence, be careful with subject-verb agreement)

3rd paragraph:
- FuthermoreFurthermore , the aging people in Scotland was still below England. (another fragment (missing verb), please be careful next time. This will badly damage your band score.)

There you are Rahmi, I hope you can follow through the feedback given. Good luck for the next practice :)

Undergraduate / Orient Career, The essay describe the orient career in short-term an in the long-term. [3]

Hi minh, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to strengthen your essay later on in the next draft. Thus, the detailed descriptions below are my feedback concerning the whole essay. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

- In this forum, do not forget to give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph. It will ease us in reading and checking your essay carefully.

- You've mentioned some contraction words in this essay, for instance, "I'd like to", "it's essential". You need to avoid using contraction(s) like these. These contraction(s) can make your essay looks less formal.

- If the prompt is about short-term and long-term, it is unnecessary to mention "mid-term". There are two possibilities of mentioning "mid-term". First, it is an additional information (positive), and Second, you were failed to answer the prompt properly (negative). It is better to play safe and never mention anything about mid-term career plan because the question or the prompt never asks you to do that. Your essay can possibly be graded as an off-topic essay due to this issue.

As you can see Minh, there are also still some grammatical flaws in this essay but it will be too long to be described here. I am waiting for your revision first, so I can see the difference between the first draft and the second one. Overall, the flow of ideas is actually quite clear and understandable. Good luck for composing the next draft. :)

Writing Feedback / Cement making: limestone and clay are included in crusher and then pass through into three stages [4]

Puja, the descriptions below are my contribution towards your essay development. I hope you can gain something in order to improve your writing skill later on.

1st paragraph:
- Overall, it can be seen that, limestone and clay are includedmixed in crusher and then passed through into three stages so that ready for usein the end of the process it becomes a cement.

- Meanwhile, Toin producing concrete, cement can be combined with sand, water and small stone.

2nd paragraph:
- ...limestone and clay are crushed tilluntilbeingbecome powder. (till = informal)
- Next, it is includedcombined inside a mixer and passing passed to rotating heater for burning.
- Then, the product resulted from these processes is grinded until becomes cement.
- The last step in thesethis process is the cement is packed withinside some bags.

3rd paragraph:
- Regarding to the second diagram about producing concentrateconcrete ,...
- the cement with composition 15 percent is combined with water, sand, and grave, each one 10%, 25% and 50% respectively.
- 10% of water, 25% of sand, and 50% of gravel are combined with 15% of cement.(my alternative sentence)
- After that, this combination is mixed continually and rotated in big mixer until to beit becomes an excellent batter concrete.

Writing Feedback / Computer can easily do basic math. Should children spend their time to learn advanced calculations? [3]

JAFF, welcome to the team :) I think that next time you need to be careful in writing a title. It should be in a clear format besides only mentioning the topic. Is it an IELTS essay, or TOEFL, or perhaps a scholarship / school assignment's essay. However, with regards to your essay, you can see the detailed descriptions about my feedback below. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

1st paragraph:
- This isIn fact, that computer are more important for children now a daysthese days as they should know new computing techniques and calculation. butHowever, at the same time, it is not good to learn basic mathematics on computer as theychildren could be lazy and dependent on computer. (Sorry to say that this is a bad starting point, too complex and too complicated sentence. You need to avoid composing a complicated sentence in the next practice. Remember, introduction is related to the first impression of the reader(s). Then, I've separated that sentence.

- They could not utilizeare not using their brain if they will do simple mathematical calculation on computer.
- They have to do more practices if they wants to improve their basic of mathematics...

2nd paragraph:
- ...children should avoid to use computer at initial classes just ofif it is only for a simple mathematics equation as it would not be beneficial for them to , and they will not be able to utilize their brain to a maximum level.

- However, they can use computer to gain latest knowledge or get updated information, they can use computer.
- Computerized calculation should only be used to checkMathematics is use for proper calculation, if you could check the accuracy of any experiment. (You need to simplify your language in order to make the reader easily understand. Remember, clarity is the king.)

- WePeople can use mathematicscomputerized calculation of mathematics as a tool to get an accurate result. (avoid using personal pronoun (we, you, our, us, I) in academic essay. This makes your essay becomes less formal)

Scholarship / I have to write a scholarship appeal due to not meeting a requirement. Editing and revisions needed [3]

Hi Jackson, it is surely a pity if your scholarship is going to be cancelled. I am sorry to hear that. Thus, I would like to do my best in giving my feedback towards your letter with hope that your scholarship will be continued until your study period is over. However, the descriptions below are my contribution that focuses on strengthening your weakness in this letter.

- You need to know that the four seasons (spring, summer, autumn (British) / fall (American), winter) are NOT written in capital letters like what you've done in your letter.

- If this letter will be addressed to an official financial aid officer, you have to make sure that it is the most formal letter that you've written. You have to avoid using contraction(s) like "you'll, I'm". This will make your essay becomes less formal.

- If I'm not mistaken, your letter was in 3 paragraphs. I think next time you need to give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph in order to ease us the reader to check and read your essay carefully. If it is true 3 paragraphs, I believe your last paragraph seems to be too bulky. There are some information that can be separated. Perhaps, you can separate your gratefulness expression from the third paragraph and make a new paragraph from it.

Overall, I think that you don't have any serious issue about your grammatical range and accuracy. Your letter was understandable. The flow of ideas was also okay. It is a well-written letter indeed. Good luck for sending this letter. :)

Writing Feedback / The most important thing the government should do to improve health care is to clean the environment [3]

Hi Natasha, the descriptions below are my contribution towards your grammatical range and accuracy part. I hope you can follow through the feedback given because grammar related to the flow of ideas. This will help you to improve the clarity and coherence of your essay writing development later on.

1st paragraph:
- NowadaysThese days(nowadays is an informal word) , a healthy body has become the top dream of every individual.almost all individuals want to have a healthy body.(avoid overgeneralizing a subject, not all individuals want to be healthy, some of them who already healthy do not need this kind of dream/goal, for example, athlete and body builder. Besides, your sentence structure was too confusing, I've simplified it.)

- efficiency to work, study and advance.(advance for what? unclear statement I guess)
- There is a factor undermining human health which is pollution.Pollution is the main factor that undermining human health.(avoid making complicated and confusing structure)

- For this, many people tend to think that the government must take actions to clean the environment and make it as a top priority in order to ensure people's health. ('tend to' means that it is about to happen, or has not yet happened. Why don't you write directly "many people think that..."?)

- In my view, there are two other steps which as important as cleaning the environment.

2nd paragraph:
- ...such as improving body constitutionbody's health(wrong collocation, constitution cannot be collocated with body)
- possess strong and healthy attributeshealthy body because of their everyday's intensive exercises. (attribute cannot be collocated with healthy)
- Their muscular tissue and respiratory system is more dynamic(This statement is too detail. Avoid bringing prior background knowledge to this type of essay. Not all examiners understand about healthy system that you've explained)

There you have it Natasha, I hope you can mind the feedback given. I am going to see your improvement soon :)

Scholarship / Helped a group of friends reach success [4]

Juan, undoubtedly that it is always interesting to read your essay, from the beginning till the end. Your strength was able to outweigh your weakness smoothly. I have only found few weaknessess from your essay that can be strengthened by having some modifications. You can see the detailed feedback in the descriptions below:

1. Somehow 'no words limit' is a tricky prompt. The selection of scholarship application is selected by professional examiners. Professional people are limited by 'time'. Reading a hundred or thousand essays without a time limitation is impossible. As a result, too long essay will probably not completely being read by examiners. Therefore, I suggest you to keep following the common essay application words limit, ranging from 300 - 500 words.

2. Remember, even though it wasn't an academic essay, somehow the clarity will be improved if you avoid using 'fanboys' (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) in the beginning of the sentence like what you've written in your essay above. Also, it makes your essay looks formal.

There you are Juan, some suggestions have been delivered clearly. I hope you find it helpful :) Good luck for the application

Writing Feedback / Cement manufacturing process and produce concrete from cement [2]

Rahmi, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The diagrams illustrate... (1st sentence)
The values are measured... (2nd sentence)
Overall, it can be seen that, the steps of making.. (3rd sentence)

The second body of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach the second body in the following manner:

Meanwhile, for the second diagram... (1st sentence)
Sand and gravel... (2nd sentence) (I suggest to separate this one because it consists of shop-listing. Too many data in a single paragraph)
These materials are mixed... (3rd sentence)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: THE SHOWING OF VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION HAS BAD INFLUENCE ON CHILDREN [2]

Grahyta, with regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of weaknesses that can possibly be strengthened by applying the measurements that I am going to give you in the descriptions below. I hope you can follow through my feedback in order to enhance your writing skill.

- Your introduction paragraph seems so complicated because the language that you've used should be the language that appropriate for body paragraph. You accidentally mention 'as the result....'. It should only be an outline for the whole essay, not the details.

- Your first body paragraph was lack of conclusion. This makes the weight of first body and the second is different in which it is possible to badly damage your band score. You can take a look at IELTS writing band descriptors of task 2 to make sure about this.

There you are, I hope you my contribution id helpful. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, both the government and citizens are laying more emphasis on public health [5]

No worries, we are here to help you improving your writing skill, especially in composing IELTS essay. Now, I am going to answer all your questions in the descriptions below:

1. Using agreement is okay, but I think instead of using that, you can try to use "I would argue that ......"

2. Outlining an essay is also essential part in writing. Instead of only stating 'for the following reasons', it is better to mention keywords/phrase of each ideas that you are going to deliver. For instance, "This essay will discuss about first (idea A) and second (idea B) with reasoned conclusions" Therefore, your introduction will be much stronger.

3. Personal pronoun(s) such as we, our, us. You, and I are only appropriate for introduction and conclusion. In body paragraph you might use "it is believed that..." or "some people think that..." rather than using "we, us, or our"

I hope my answer will be helpful. :)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, both the government and citizens are laying more emphasis on public health [5]

Hi Aclily, welcome to EssayForum family :) With regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknessess in order to strengthen it for the next essay practice. You can see the descriptions below in detail:

- It is suggested for you to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph. So, the reader(s) can differentiate which one is introduction, which one is body paragraph, and which one is conclusion paragraph. It will also ease the examiner in the real test.

- You need to pay attention on the prompt given. It is about 'discuss both views and give your own opinion'. Why did you write a concession statement. Concession is only suggested to be used in agree or disagree essay.

- If you mention 'First', most of the readers or even examiners are waiting for 'Second'. Unfortunately, I can see the 'second' one. Somehow, it can be considered as bad coherent if you hang the cohesive devices like that.

- Mentioning personal pronoun(s) in introduction and conclusion paragraph are okay, but mentioning it in body paragraph is not. Over-using personal pronoun(s) would damage the sense of 'academic' and it makes your essay becomes less formal.

As seen, I hope you can follow through my contribution above. Good luck for the next trial. :)

Writing Feedback / Effect of the Internet in human's live - information anytime and anywhere; IELTS TEST 2 [2]

Putu, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in your essay in order to strengthen your essay development later in the next practice. It is described as follows:

- Your essay can be classified or categorized as an essay which has unclear stance. It is suggested to state or mention your point on view clearly in agree or disagree question. For example, you can directly say 'I firmly agree with the idea of ...... because of .... and ...." This will help you gain adequate band score for task response.

- It is also suggested for an academic essay to reduce the usage of personal pronouns such as we, our, us, I, and you. It is okay if it is only for stating your point of view in introduction and conclusion, but using it in the whole paragraph is a disaster. It will be categorized as informal essay not an academic one. Therefore, you need to avoid using it carelessly.

As seen, two weaknesses have been pointed out clearly. I hope it will be helpful towards your writing development. Good luck for the next practice. :)

Writing Feedback / The internet should be more tightly controlled by governments. Do you agree or disagree? [5]

Hi Le, welcome to the team :) Apart from above suggestions, I would like to point out your weakness with the hope that I am able to strengthen your essay later on. First, you can see that this sentence was somewhat 'hanging' in the air "From my point of view, the internet should be more tightly controlled by governments because of three reasons.". This is because you let your introduction alone without any outlines of your body paragraphs. Therefore, I would like to strengthen your introduction part of this essay in the descriptions below.

- From my point of view, the internet should be more tightly controlled by governments because of its possibility of personal information being stolen, its possibility of inaccurate information, and its inappropriate content for children.

As seen, three different keywords of general ideas have been stated clearly in order to increase the clarity of the essay itself. This is the weakness of your essay that still can be strengthened by you. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Florida. Someone correct for me this paragraph, i want to know the mistakes i had made. [8]

HI atchane, I think that for next time you can post this type of essay in 'writing feedback' category. However, with regards to your essay, you can see the detailed corrections below:

- Florida is a famous city and a beautiful place for visitors/tourists . (possible word choice)
- First, it has many tourism places, such as thebeach and sea. (period)This makes a lot of people wentvisitto the beach in the summer to have fun.

- A feature of the beach is that there are magical thingsBeach in Florida contains many magical entertainment facilities , for instance, delicious food, contemporary music, and a lot of games madeplayedinon the sand.

- Second, it has a bighuge annual festival. (period) Every year, come lots of people from around the world to attend that big event.
- Third, Florida has a great locationis strategically located between Orlando and Miami.
- WhichIt has health weather, "it is not bad",ideal tropical weather for tourists and also site among the seas.
- All these thingsThese are all the things that make Florida looks magical and become the most beautiful place for people to travel to.

I hope you find this is helpful towards your paragraph development. Good luck in revising it :)

Writing Feedback / In the recent time, every business conducted by humans is easier because of technology. [3]

Hi Meireza, it's been a while since your last writing practice. I think you've been busy learning the other parts of IELTS (reading and listening). I can see that your writing needs to be improved. I hope my feedback below will be helpful towards your writing development.

1st paragraph:
- It is agreed asthatthe sophisticated tools provide citizens a way to communicate in long distance communication and makes information more accessableaccessible .

2nd paragraph:
- The main reason why cutting-edge is much moreconvinientconvenient to public things is because to destruction the dividerit destructsof distance and time. (but I am not sure destruct is the appropriate word for this one)

- This leadsmakesto people who lived inhave a long distance relationship can look at each other just withsee each other through their smartphone screens.

- Taking my own activity as an example, (should be comma not period)(be careful of fragment! it will dangerously damage your score)
- ...he has beenis studying in a different countriescountryfrom me . (using "has been" should be followed by a time signal)
- Before he usedusing smartphone,...
- I submitted my essays withvia/through international shipping and courier delivery services. (delivery service has already used courier. it will be redundant if you put it again there)

- it will create newtrigger a crime... (crime is not something that can be created, crime is a bad-action that is triggered by a/some reason(s))

As seen, only 2 weeks writing absence has a tremendous influence towards your writing. I hope to see your improvements soon. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Advertisements (problems & solutions) [2]

Hi yvonnelee, welcome to the EssayForurm team :) I am really grateful to see many new members everyday. This is why I keep giving sincere and meaningful feedback towards all members who need help in this forum. I hope my contribution in the descriptions below will be helpful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS writing.

1st paragraph:
- A wide range of advertisements are becoming more pervasive in today's society, and itbringsabout different types of problems and drawbacks.(if you separate "and" it has two possibilities, whether it should be a new clause, or list of verbs/adjectives/nouns. A new clause means that it needs 'subject and verb'. In this sentence, you just directly mentioned 'verb' only.) Then, (if you mention "problems and drawbacks" in a sentence like this, I think that it is really redundant. Problems means there are some drawbacks, and drawbacks means there are some problems)

- Fortunately, there are solutions to tackle theirthese impacts .
- ...and the measures that we can take to address...

2nd paragraph:
- ...become more prone to/susceptible to consumerism. (prone already has implicit 'more' inside that word. it is also the same case as 'tend to'. there is no 'more tend to' right?)

- This can particularly have a negative effect on teenagers. Therefore, people are negatively affected by advertisements.(do NOT forget to CONCLUDE every paragraph that you make, especially body paragraph. It is really crucial to the scoring criteria. "lack of overall progression or no conclusions drawn" will lead your essay to band 5.0.)

As seen, I have shown you some parts that should be done and should be avoided. I hope you can follow through my feedback. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Should students take out student loans to avoid working while studying. [3]

Phuong, apart from above suggestions, I would like to focus on strengthening your weakness in this essay, especially about 'task response' part. I am not an expert of TOEFL, but I believe that TOEFL writing also has 'task response' as its scoring criteria. Therefore, my explanation below will help you in boosting your score in this part.

However, when it comes to an agree or disagree essay, I think that you need to make sure that whether you are totally agree or disagree with the prompt given. I know that some teachers advice that you can partly agree and disagree but this often leads to an essay with no clear focus and a confusing structure. Then, you need to also make sure that you have already answered the prompt clearly. In your essay, it is unfortunate that you did not directly state your stance whether agree or disagree. This is crucial, somehow if you do not have any clear stance to the prompt given, it might probably badly damages your score. This answer "I believe that part-time jobs ....... burdens on their futures." can be considered as implicit and unclear. Perhaps, it is better to write "I strongly disagree with the idea of taking loan to avoid working because working is actually much more beneficial than taking a student loan in which it will definitely burden their future life."

As you can see, it might look simple but if you pay a good attention to it, I believe that your writing skill will be improved, especially in writing a TOEFL essay. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Popularity of London attractions per month in summer 2013 (in thousands) [4]

Zaki, keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

From July to August, the British Museum... (1st sentence)
It increased again between August... (2nd sentence)
Moreover,... (3rd sentence)

As seen, your paragraphing weight was somehow imbalance. Your last paragraph is bulkier than the second paragraph. This can be considered as bad grouping, and therefore your band score cannot go beyond 5.0. Remember the criteria of band 5 for task achievement criteria "presents, but inadequately covers, key features or bullet points" . I hope you can follow through my feedback and I would be happy to see any improvements soon. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Visitors Ratio for Three London Museums in Summer 2013 [3]

Puja, I can see that some of your friends were conveying their feedback related to grammatical range and accuracy part. Therefore, I would like to focus on simple but important issues that all of you were missed. None of the comments above were talking about appropriate "preposition" when talking about time or date. Let me give you all some brief explanations taken from Betty Azar Basic English Grammar book about that issue in the descriptions below:

Do not forget to use:
- in + month or year- In March, In 2003
- on + date (with the year or without it) or day of the week- On April 2, On March 3, 1999, On Saturday
- at + clock time, midnight, noon- At 3:30 p.m., At 4:01, At noon

Remember also...
- in + season- In the summer, In the winter
- in + morning, afternoon, evening- In the morning, In the evening
- at + night- At night

As seen, the descriptions above are the correct explanation about preposition related to time or date. I hope all of you find my feedback is fruitful towards you writing development, especially in IELTS writing task 1. I believe that this perhaps looks simple, but it really is crucial if you put it inaccurately. This can be considered as 'frequent grammatical errors' and the band score would be 5.0.

Writing Feedback / Having a good college roommate will unquestionably make our college life more colorful and joyful [3]

Nile, I am not really familiar with TOEFL essays but I have some valuable experiences in composing IELTS essays. I reckon that both type of essays are quite similar. Either TOEFL or IELTS writing needs to be elaborated academically. Now, when we are talking about academic writing, we are not supposed to use personal pronouns (we, our, us, you, I). However, IELTS or TOEFL writing is another story. Those type of essays might use personal pronoun(s) but over-using them are not suggested either. For example, in IELTS or TOEFL you are allowed to use personal pronoun(s) in introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph in order to deliver your own opinion.

With regards to your essay, I think the usage of personal pronouns were too many. Somehow, it also convey different interpretation among readers. For instance, when you mention "you can fully trust your roommate...", not all readers are having the same issue as yours. Another example, when you write "it is common to be inspired by some of your roommate's ideas...", not all readers are inspired by their roommate's ideas. These can be considered as over-generalizing idea. Therefore, let me help you to paraphrase these sentences to be better academically.

- "you can fully trust your roommate..."some people might think that they can trust their roommates if...
- "it is common to be inspired by some of your roommate's ideas..."It is believed that roommate's ideas are somehow inspiring for some people.

Writing Feedback / HE USED HIS LEGS TO WRITE HIS OWN DESTINY [3]

Mai, you can see the detailed corrections about your essay in the descriptions below. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

1st paragraph:
- Of all influences in my lifetime, Kai is the one that I admire the most.I most admire
- ...nothing is impossible unless you don'tdo not tryorif you keep struggling.(just an option, you can use one of them)(you need to avoid using contraction(s) because it makes your essay looks less formal)

2nd paragraph:
- ...after a badconsiderable/deep/enormous/great/huge/immense/intense/overwhelming/tremendous relief... (relief cannot be collocated with 'bad' or 'good'. Those are possible options for a proper adjective which followed by 'relief')

- Since then, all of thehis daily activitiesroutinesto him were very difficult to do , and schooling to him was just a dream that could never come true. (unnecessary comma)

- At thethat time, for him to go to school, there were no teachers wanted to acceptteach a student like him.
- Despite theEven though his toes felt painful, Kai still practiced day by day.
- Not only usingused his legs to write, but he also used them to do volunteer and help people aroundin his surroundings.
- AndNow, he is the topbest student on the graduation's list.

3rd paragraph:
- Through many obstacles mightthatstandstood in his path, Kai tried to overcome them with his persistence and optimism.
- He stands outfrom the crowd as an extraordinary role model for me. Therefore, I hope that I am able to accomplish my dreams in my life.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Television, specially movies, as a first innovative technology, impacts people's life [2]

Nahid, undoubtedly that your essay organization is still good. You are able to maintain well-structured sentences. Yet, it seems you were experienced some difficulties in selecting the appropriate word(s)/diction that should be used. My suggestion is that you can improve your lexical resources by reading English articles and try to understand the meaning clearly. It can be in a news or a book form. Some of my friends even memorize the words that they think are crucial and necessary to be used in academic essay. However, concerning my feedback, I hope you can get something to learn by seeing my contributions below.

1st paragraph:
- Nowadays('nowadays' is less formal than 'these days')These days , technology is growing exponentially in modern society and with exponentially improving technology , particularly communication instrumentstechnology . This kind of technology plays an important role in our liveslife.

- Television, especially movies, as a first innovative technology, impacts people's life in different ways. (I'm not sure television is the first, how about radio? perhaps you can omit 'first' to avoid different interpretations or ambiguity)

- I would like to explore three important onesessential reasons as follows. (just to avoid redundancy, you can use essential rather than important)
- ...to make family gatheringgather family membersfor a whilein particular period of time , and to get familiarfamiliarize people with other cultures .

Cheers :)

Scholarship / Discuss a special attribute or accomplishment that sets you apart? [4]

Hi Rudy, you can see my contributions in detailed descriptions below, especially about grammatical range and accuracy part. I hope you can follow through my feedback.

1st paragraph:
- ...moments and bright moments but I guess that'sthat is the part of life. (comma is unnecessary, and avoid using contractions. Contraction(s) makes your essay looks less formal)

- ...I have learned from them,(who is "them" here?) and it has made me a strong person in life because it has taught me the values of things, and to see the world in a different way.

- All of thatthose thanks to the greatest sport in the world, soccer.
- I joined the school soccer team, Itit was my first time actually playing with a team and I didn'tdid not know if the coach was going to choose me because I hadn't hadI had not had any experiences with any teams . The only experience that I gain was practicing by myself.

- ButHowever, I was confident with myself because I knew that all that hurthard work would be payed off. SoThus, I ended up making the team my freshman year plus I got putby being placed in the starting line, which was something that I was not expecting at all . (you need to avoid using FANBOYS, For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So, in the beginning of the sentence. These are coordinating conjunctions, it can make your essay looks less formal)

As you can see Rudy, I hope by seeing my feedback, you can also revise the whole essay to be better. Most mistakes were the same, and therefore you can use my corrections as a guidance to revise your essay. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2, Many employees may work at home the modern technology [5]

Wahyu, I think that this essay is somehow a little-bit far away from the topic given. The prompt is about whether modern technology benefits only workers, or benefits both workers and employers. Yet, you were also explaining about the drawbacks of modern technology which I think it is unnecessary to be brought into the discussion. Let me give you a hint about what you can do to improve your essay.

First, if you are in disagree position, make sure that you are totally disagree with the prompt given. I know that some teachers advice that you can partly agree and disagree but this often leads to an essay with no clear focus and a confusing structure. Second, you need to focus on the keywords in the prompt. If the prompt never asks or talks about 'drawbacks', why bother to make one? Just answer directly what the question wants. For instance, this is the body paragraph should look like:

- 1st topic sentence for body paragraph 1 (discuss about the first idea why you disagree) = Employers and employees are more comfortable by working at home.

- 2nd topic sentence for body paragraph 2 (discuss about the second idea why you disagree) = Working at home is more convenient for employers and employees.

By exploring those two main ideas and mentioning concession in the last sentence for each paragraph, you can get stronger essay rather than discussing both sides.

Writing Feedback / The media should prefer to show ordinary people's life than celebrities's life [3]

Hi Grahyta, I think for the next post you need to write clearly about your title. What kind of essay is this? is it IELTS? or TOEFL? or whatever essays you've been up to. Then, you have to write the "question". We will not be able to check whether your essay has already answered the question correctly or not. However, apart from those suggestions, I am still going to give you my feedback anyway. You can see the detailed descriptions below:

1st paragraph:
- ...programs such as entertainer's daily activity showsartists' daily routines and ordinary people's live showsreality shows about ordinary people .
- I feelbelieve("feel" is less convincing) that ordinary people's livereality shows are more attractive because it increaseS people's caresympathy towardSordinary peoplethem .

2nd paragraph:
- Entertainer's daily activity showsroutines also give many inspirations.
- This is because they give some innovationsinspire people by creating some innovationsfor peoplein order to reach success.
- ...has reached success since in youthyoung .
- ...that all humanS can do many thingsmultitaskingat the same time as she is an entertainer, entrepreneur, and a mother.
- It is thus thatTherefore, showing of entertainer's daily activity give inspirationscan possibly inspire people to beabout the ways become success.

As you can see, some modifications have been made. I hope you can follow through. Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / Composition: No future for public transport? It will become a big issue in the future. [3]

Hi Erica, welcome to EssayForum :) I hope you can find that this website is helpful towards your writing enhancement, especially in composing an argumentative essay. However, I think this essay is not in a proper category. This essay should be in "writing feedback" or "essays" category, and therefore you need to post in the right category for the next post. Anyway, you can see the detailed descriptions about your corrections below, especially for the first and the second paragraph:

1st paragraph:
- From then until now, there ishas been a huge transformation on the transportation system , from ridding the horses or cows to drive the car or take the busconventional (animals) to modern transportation (machines).(too complicated, it can be simplified)

- ...no more public transport in the future, the reason why isbecause they think that it is convenient for them to drive by themselves.
- Personally, I don't I agreeI disagree with this opinion. (period)In this essay, I will explain why.

2nd paragraph:
- The first reason why I don't agreedisagree is because I think that if every one driveS their own vehicleS on the road, it must result a lot of air pollution will be greatly generated .

- There is an obvious sample,For example, all of us arehave already known that the countryside's air condition is more cleaner than the city.

- One of the reasons is because there are not much more car drivingare only few cars available on the road.
- Therefore, we can understandit is agreed that if everyone has theirto drive their own car, and driving together willit will terribly damage the environment very well .

Writing Feedback / The best way to reduce the number of traffic accidents is to raise age limit for the younger drivers [6]

Almara, I think that this essay still needs a lot of works regarding to grammatical and punctuation problems. I would like to point out all that I can find and describe it below. I hope you find that my feedback and contribution are helpful towards your writing development.

1st paragraph:
- Nowadays, with the soaring number of private... (space needed after comma)
- ...that all these driwersdrivers must be faced to pass a safe education course beforbefore getting thedriver's license...

2nd paragraph:
- ...owningowing to their lack knowledge in regard...
- ...lack practical experience, there is no shadow... (space needed after comma)

3rd paragraph:
- ...accidents caused by young drivers. That is to say that, completing the driving... (these sentences suffered from 'space' / punctuation problems)
- ...gaining driving license doesn'tdoes notyet represents as a solid solution to the existing problem yet .
- ...road regulations. That is the exact reason that,whywhy I strongly...

4th paragraph
- ...in aged drivers, rather than recklesnessrecklessness youngsters. (spelling problem)

As you can see, punctuation is the major problems in this essay. I hope you can notice the rest of it in this essay after you follow through my feedback above. Good luck for that :)

Letters / The boy inside of me is a dreamer. Help him get to college essay. [5]

Hi Juan,

Minor edits would be helpful I think:
- Her earnings weren'twere not enough to provide.. (avoid using contractions, this makes your essay/letter less formal)
- ...and joined EsolESOL classes. (mind the capitalization)
- In my senior year, I dual-enrolledenrolled in two places at the same time . (dual-enrolled cannot be considered as a verb, and therefore this is considered as a sentence fragment)

- I couldn'tcould not continue onto college... (another contraction problem)
- Any donation you can make will be appreciated. (comma is unnecessary)

As usual, your writing is always very informative to the reader. I think that 888 words were adequately covered all the information needed to the people who would like to read and donate their money for your tuition fees. If you still in doubt, perhaps you can reduce the amount of words by combining the first and the second paragraph because I think that it has the same information about your family condition and your personal background. I have also read on GoFundme.com about your fundraising profile. It is a huge amount of money indeed. I hope you can reach your goal.

Good Luck mate :)

Undergraduate / Simple Life - Aeronautics and Astronautics Department UW COE Personal Statement [5]

Hi Josh,

With regards to your essay, I would say that this personal statement has already answered the prompt clearly. It is also well-written and well-developed. However, there are some parts that needs to be summarized due to words limitation problem. I think that the first and second paragraph of your essay can be combined by omitting this part of a sentence "Every year for Christmas' and birthdays, instead of receiving expensive toys and video game consoles, my family would..." and directly explain about what makes you "satisfied by simpler things in life" from the first paragraph. Moreover, this sentence "I've excelled in virtually every college course I have taken;" is somehow ambiguous. It could posses a negative sense, which means there are some of them that you're not excelled or even bad at them. Therefore, you can omit this part. Lastly, you can also combine the third paragraph and the last paragraph by also summarizing the information given.

Good luck in revising this essay Josh :)

Research Papers / Breaking the Perception of Pit Bulls [3]

Lisa, welcome to the team :) This website is a suitable place to improve your writing skill. I hope you find that my feedback will be fruitful towards your writing development. However, it is actually suggested to separate each paragraph by giving 1 space (1 enter) to ease us in reading or checking your essay. I hope next time you're going to do that.

With regards to your essay, first, I think you need to be consistent in writing the central subject of your discussion in your research. For example, when you are writing 'Pit Bulls', you need to make sure it stays the same for the whole essay. It is unfortunate that you randomly changed the words 'Pit Bulls' to pitbull or pitbulls. Second, in this sentence "But that same year...", you've used 'but' in the beginning of the sentence. This is not recommended for a formal essay or a research paper. Using FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) make your essay becomes less formal or not an academic one. Third, you need to know that a research paper needs reference(s) or citation(s) to be mentioned to avoid plagiarism. Unfortunately, you forgot to mention any of them.

That's it Lisa, I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck in revising this essay :)