Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - CAUSES/SOLUTIONS - growing trend towards migrating from rural ares to a large metropolis [2]

The opening paraphrase presents a topic sentence at the start, then an explanation of what the discussion instruction is about. While this is an acceptable paraphrase, it would have been even better had you presented a reworded reasoning sentence covering the reference to why migration is becoming a trend. That is the missing sentence that is in the original presentation but not in your representation. So your version of the opening discussion is correct, only to a certain extent. Without the reasons for the discussion, the presentation is a bit incomplete.

Your first reasoning paragraph starts with word fillers. Avoid getting used to presenting place holder sentence representations as these do not help to increase your LR, GRA, or C&C scores. If the presentation does not help add information to the paragraph, then there is no sense in having that sentence there. Simply start with topic sentences that will help to clearly direct the reader towards the upcoming discussion.

You misused the word "Besides" in the second paragraph presentation. That is a comparative word that is used to mean " otherwise, else, in addition, moreover, furthermore, or also". Since the first discussion refers to reasons and the second discussion, refers to solutions, the two discussion paragraphs are unrelated in content. Therefore, you cannot use the word "Besides" to start the solutions paragraph.

The concluding paragraph should be presented in 2 sentences at the bare minimum. Your presentation contains a run-on that compressed all of the discussion points, leaving the reader rushed and a but confused by the actual presentation of that paragraph. Always use separate topic sentences to represent the summarized discussion points in the concluding paragraph. That will keep the meaning of that paragraph clear to the reader.

Writing Feedback / SYNTHESIS ESSAY ON HAPPINESS [2]

The sources of the opinions, the title of the articles, and the individual foundations for each definition of happiness need to be a part of the introductory paragraph. The idea behind a synthesis essay is to merge the related ideas into one, while allowing a separate idea to stand alone, if required. These serve as the comparison foundations for your discussion. There is a lack of proper referencing to the source materials and authors in your presentation. These leave the essay less informative as it should be. The reference to various sources and opinions make little sense to a reader who does not understand what the source materials are all about.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - OVERPOPULATION - PROBLEM & SOLUTION [3]

Your first paragraph is confusing and does not properly restate the original prompt. There are too many personal opinion presentation points that blur the original prompt topic and discussion requirements. You have not appropriately given a new version of the original prompt. Expect to receive a failing mark in the TA score. because of this inaccuracy. There is no room for additional information or personal opinions in the section of the essay that requires you to simply restate the given discussion point. The restatement loses accuracy due to the prompt deviations that your personal opinion presented.

You were asked to give only one or two reasons for the discussion, then possible solutions from the government and individuals to solve the problems. Your reasons are multiple when you were asked to provide only 2 at the most. That is because you are being scored on the clarity of your reason and explanation. You should also have successfully presented the two reasons in a connected manner. Rather, the discussion you presented became disjointed, lacking in actual connection, and without proper explanation developments for each reason provided. There is a clear lack of coherence and cohesiveness in the discussion presentations.

The solutions you presented are not all connected with the reasons you provided, further increasing the obvious lack of cohesiveness between the discussion paragraphs. Where there is no cohesive presentation, there cannot be a coherent explanation as you only provide topic sentences, again, without proper explanation development. This overall presentation of the reasoning paragraphs will not receive a good score, even though you wrote more than the 290 word limit.

The conclusion is incomplete. It does not provide an accurate discussion summary and is lacking the 40 minimum word count for that paragraph presentation. Kindly remember that your long essay will not be garnering you a better score if you are unable to fulfill the task requirements as you did in this essay. It is saddening to see the rush you had to simply write as much as you can, without considering the clarity of your explanation. You have a good grasp of the English language. Had you focused on following the instructions instead of simply typing as much as you could within 40 minutes, you would have gotten a better overall presentation score.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - what children watch influences their behaviors or it is the amount of time they spend. [4]

In order to fully develop each discussion point in this essay format, you have to present you point of view in comparison with the public point of view. Note that the original prompt has 2 public discussion points that require individual explanations for the reasons in stand alone paragraphs. Your opinion should do one of two things:

1. Oppose or support each point of view based on your understanding of the public opinion. Give the public opinion, explain the reasoning behind it. Then give your thoughts on that opinion. Do this within 2 paragraphs.

2. Strongly discuss the reasons the public have for supporting each statement as an individual paragraph. Then give a separate paragraph that presents your opinion and discussion / comparison of both points of view, culminating in a supporting statement for one of the two.

In the presentation that you used, you failed to use the public points of view prior to your opinion. So, rather than a comparative essay + personal opinion format, which is the correct format for this discussion, you used a single point of view presentation instead. It is a format that will gain you only a partial score based on a representation of only a single opinion, rather than the 3 opinion presentation requirement. The essay is improperly formatted and only responds to one area of the discussion presentation requirement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - role of parents in educating children how to be a good members of society [2]

Since you did not upload the prompt for the essay you wrote, I cannot accurately assume that you are discussing this based on the proper prompt requirements. The original version of this prompt that I know of, requires a comparative discussion between the role of parents and teachers in regard to teaching children to be good members of society. After which, your opinion, regarding which side you believe to be more responsible for that act, should be discussed.

You have offered a single opinion discussion, with prompt deviating rhetorical questions in your essay. It does not, in my opinion, follow the previous prompt discussion requirements. Again, I am basing this on the standard prompt for this discussion. I would have been able to review this essay with more accuracy if you had provided a copy of the original prompt.

The essay you have written, for a task 2 presentation is too long. You only have 40 minutes to write this paper in a relevant manner. That is why you are advised to write no more than 5 sentence per paragraph. You approach this as if you were writing a speech instead of a simple opinion paper. You are practically orating in this presentation. Only clear explanations, in quick but meaningful forms are required for this type of presentation. You will run out of time during the actual test if you try to write something this long. You will lose sight of the original discussion topic, which, I assume, is what happened in this presentation.

Writing Feedback / IETS WRITING TASK 2 (People will read everything online instead of printed news or books) [3]

Your prompt paraphrase is good but a bit flawed. You stated in the first sentence that "Technology has significantly..." Which is a personal opinion. It is not a part of the information from the original prompt and therefore, must not be included in the presentation of the restated prompt. It affects your Task Accuracy when you indicate information not included in the original reference. That single irrelevant sentence would lower an otherwise high score for that scoring section.

The second reason should always be presented in a stand alone paragraph. Never present it as a part of the first discussion topic because the combination of 2 unrelated discussion topics in one paragraph results in an under developed paragraph. That is the result of incoherent and non-cohesive discussion presentations. A reader tends to look for a relationship between the reasoning in a paragraph, which disappears when you present 2 unrelated reasons. Time in relation to news availability does not directly relate to money spent as you did not use a transition sentence to connect the two discussion points in the paragraph.

All Task 2 essays have a minimum 4 paragraph presentation. You only have 3 paragraph here, which means you are not in compliance with the formatting guidelines for the task in terms of paragraph presentation.

The conclusion should be a summary of the discussion, thus creating a reverse paraphrase conclusion for the discussion. You left the essay open ended because you continued to offer a personal opinion discussion in that paragraph, rather than a recap of the presentation.

Undergraduate / Help with content & word limit: eg of how the pandemic has changed your involvement in the community [2]

The essay does not involve itself with a community or group that you belong to. The charitable act that you undertook was in relation to your business ventures, which means it does not follow the classification of "community or group". So one can say that the response is not reflective of the prompt requirements. You have to speak of this in a manner that is less about you and your business and more about the community. So the reference point, that could still involve your business is to portray an enlightenment regarding those who had less in life than you in the community. These could be neighbors who lost their jobs or people coming to you asking for financial help or simply, food to eat. Then you can explain how you used your business to help them. Using such a presentation will show your involvement in the community instead of discussing it as an accomplishment of your business. Just make sure to explain that you were not involved with the community feeding program at first, explaining why you did not think to support the feeding program before the pandemic. Then reflect on how the pandemic changed your mindset about helping feed the poor in your community. The focused discussion should bring your word count down to the 200 word mark.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Scholarship in BSc of Computer Science [3]

Your opening salvo is too wordy when it need not be. A simple to whom it may concern would have sufficed and there was no need to introduce that one liner greeting at the start. It is using up word count without adding relevance to the presentation. You can reformat the opening salutation and delete the first sentence. Just get to the point already. The reviewer does not have time to waste.

In the second paragraph, there is no reason to enumerate the notable Hungarian names with their accomplishments. Again, that is useless information that does not relate directly to your reasons for choosing Hungary as your undergraduate base of studies. Being a safe country makes sense, wanting to leave your comfort zone, also makes sense. Language and culture aren't very good reasons to choose the country. These need to be more academic and personal growth centered. Culture shock is something that you will definitely have to overcome, but simply knowing some of the language and culture will not help overcome all of that. So you need to pick more weighted methods of overcoming culture shock such as joining student organizations, exchange student programs, or some other related things.

It is better never to claim your credentials as making you a potential candidate. It sounds boastful and doesn't leave the reviewer to make his own conclusions. Just state your academic qualifications in a humble manner. That often works better than outright saying "I am a good candidate! Pick me!" which is what your first sentence does. It tends to turn off the reviewer. Remember, there are other candidates who will have far better and notable accomplishments than you do. So boasting at this point will not help your case. However, implying your qualifications would be better suited for the presentation.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Stipendium Hungaricum, for Bsc in The Electronics Industry field [3]

There is no motivation present in this letter. A "fascination" is not the same as a motivation. Fascination means an aroused interest while a motivation relates to having a strong reason to act or accomplish something. You wrote about your fascination for nanoelectronics in this essay, but neglected to represent your motivation for your studies based on a professional goal or ambition. Hence, this cannot be considered a motivation letter. However, it will pass as a fascination essay.

I strongly suggest that you do not compress your qualifications into a single opening paragraph. You are not developing your image as a potential candidate based on the rushed discussion presentation. You need to take that a paragraph at a time, within the prompt requirements of the scholarship. You cannot use the Noble Prize winners as the main reason for wanting to study in Hungary. That is actually the most common reason used by students when they apply for the scholarship, so it no longer impresses the reviewer when a student refers to that as a reason. Use a personal, academic, and professional reason for the choice of country and university.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 1] Line graph shows average monthly spend on children's sports and participation [2]

Learn to divide your statements in order to provide idea clarity. In the summary overview, you created a confusing run on sentence when the presentation should have been:

Sentence 1: Types and number of images
Sentence 2: Description of image 1
Sentence 3: Description of image 2
Sentence 4: Trend for image 1
Sentence 5: Trend for image 2

By separating the presentation information into individual sentences, the paragraph creates a clearer, more understandable, and completely developed discussion presentation. You do not score less for not writing in individual sentences. In fact, it can increase your score because you will have the chance to properly develop a simple and complex sentence presentation in every paragraph.

It is also advisable to maintain at least a 3 sentence presentation per paragraph for idea development and explanation clarity. When you have only 2 sentences, the explanation comes across as incomplete. The data presentation should contain a completely analyzed information presentation, regardless of what information you opt to share in that paragraph. It is the clarity of the explanation, based on details, that create the C&C score.

Scholarship / Dublin - Personal Statement for Erasmus Mundus in GLOCAL Programme, Global Markets [2]

Your first paragraph sounds more like something out of the website rather than an original thought that is supposed to offer information from the student in relation to the relationship between your undergraduate course and your masters course. The next paragraph, also sounds more like a brochure than a logical reason for wanting to continue your studies in Ireland. Perhaps this is because you were born and raised in the place you are applying for a scholarship to. The natural tendency would be to assume that the reviewer will be able to immediately understand and apply the commonalities, also being from Ireland. That is not how this should approached. Always assume that you are a non-resident applying for the Scholarship. Specifics and clarity matter.

Aside from the countries where you plan to complete your studies, have you given any thought to which universities you want to attend and why? What is the justification? There need to be a connection of study motivations for each country and university in that paragraph. How will these studies connect and help you improve in the performance of your professional duties? How does the GLOCAL program help you achieve that? It is not clearly referenced.

Graduate / International Security - Personal Statement - Erasmus Mundus IMSISS Scholarship [3]

You have strong credentials as an exchange student. However, your essay fails to provide information as to how you came to the decision that this masters degree, at this particular university, in this specific country, Remember, you are applying as an exchange student of sorts. So there needs to be a representation of the two-way benefits, what do you hope to gain, and what can you offer the scholarship which might be beneficial to your co-students under the same program. Never assume that you are a perfect candidate. It would be better if you remove such a statement from the presentation.

The last paragraph does not fully develop the reasons why you chose this masters course. As a closing statement, you should be singing the praises of the university you have chosen to attend instead. There should be 2 universities indicated in the statement since you have the opportunity to study at 2 locations. The excitement about what you can learn and contribute to each university should be evident in the presentation.

Letters / MOTIVATION LETTER FOR INDUSTRIAL MANAGEMENT MASTER'S PROGRAM [2]

This is an essay that establishes your interest in Industrial Management. It contains the foundation of your interest and how you pursued the occupational reference as an undergraduate and junior professional. It does not establish the motivation for your interest in the masters course based on the required professional exposure time and advanced academic requirements due to advanced career opportunities.

You need to revise the content of your presentation to be more motivational in representation. For that requirement, you can use paragraph 3 as the basis of your new motivation presentation. That aspect shows an analysis of the industry and how you view it as changing based on the new requirements for travel. Further developed, you can separate that single paragraph into 2, with the second one expanding further on your academic interest in industrial management as it relates to the field of aviation.

You can further add 2 paragraphs after that to represent the reason you chose to study in Sweden. The next paragraph, can then explain why you believe the university you have chosen best represents your academic and professional goals. Based on that revision, you will have a more appropriate motivational letter presented.

Letters / Study Plan for Canada study permit - MA in Educational Studies at university of British Columbia [3]


- Unless you have actual documentation that will confirm that this professor is going to work hand in hand with you during your studies, you should not mention her name. She will be contacted by the authorities to confirm the claim you are making in this letter. If she answers on the contrary, it could end your quest for a student visa. It is better to find a more generic reference for this section to avoid any unwanted complications or results.

The ties to Iran seem strong enough. I am not sure if the visa officer will view it the same way bit having businesses, as a source of your income is a solid reason for you to not work in Canada and for you to go back home after your studies. Do not tell the officer that you mother will financially support you if required. It has to appear that you will never require financial help while you are a student in Canada.

* In response to your question, everything else checks out for your study plan. It is clear that you have related study intentions and that your studies have an application in your home country, which you plan on implementing upon your return.

Scholarship / How to apply to Glocal Erasmus Mundus Track D Industrial dynamics and sustainability [2]

Shorten your relevant experience and background. Simplify that presentation so that you will still have space to discuss how the scholarship program can help you meet your goals. As a motivational letter, this is one that is extremely long and uninteresting to the review due to the length of the presentation. There are specific prompt requirements for the scholarship, as I am sure you know. The essay you have written doesn't equally focus on all required aspects. You are trying too hard to convince the reviewer that you have the academic and professional qualifications that you have forgotten to discuss how the courses you will be studying relate to your previous course (during both years). The last 2 paragraphs of your letter are not really effective. It would be better if you close the essay using your plan of action upon return to your home country instead.

Writing Feedback / Writing ielts Task 1: The chart shows the percentage of car manufacturer's total sales in USA [4]

I will be unable to review your paper accurately due to the lack of image in the presentation. You must always provide the image that accompanies the prompt because it is vital for me, as the educational consultant, when reviewing the work you have submitted. The image can spell the difference between my analyzing your work as having passed or failed the task. Upload the image next time for more accurate review of your work.

You have gone beyond the word allotment for the 20 minute task. You should be able to keep your report short, within 175-190 words, while still being clear about the information being presented. Over analyzing the presentation will not be good for you because it will force you to cut into the 40 minute writing time for the Task 2 essay. Believe me, you want to keep that 40 minute writing allowance for the second task. You can write clearly, but in a shorter manner if you learn to draft your essay by noting specific information, and then writing the essay. That way you can quickly move on to the proof reading aspect, which can help you get a higher score in the final consideration.

Now, you have a good grasp of the English language. You have used the vocabulary properly, as far as I can tell. However, the grammar perfection needs to be counter checked by the validity and accuracy of your image discussion. Something that I cannot check because of the lack of uploaded image. So do not pat yourself on the back just yet. There is in assurance that you did well in the writing portion.

For one, you only mentioned a graph in your first sentence. You do know that there are several types of graphs right? Also, the original title says a chart was uploaded. A chart is different from a graph. Which is it? So, based on the inaccurate and questionable image identification alone, there is already a problem with the accuracy of your presentation. Maybe I can give you a better review next time. That is, if you remember to upload the image along with your report.

Letters / Study at the University of Padova as dual degree masters in sustainable Agriculture student [3]

The letter doesn't provide much information to the reviewer. It seems to be going around in circles repeating that you are a graduate of BSc. Horticulture. You indicate a strong academic background but no further information referring to your academic accomplishments or excellence. The career goals that are a solid part of your motivation are mentioned but not clearly discussed. Interest in what you will learn, but not how you will apply it to your profession does not leave the reviewer with an idea regarding your professional motivation for higher studies.

The essay is basically only an outline of what you should be presenting. It is not presenting usable information. It does not inform nor educate the reader regarding the basis of your motivation for studies. It is, in effect, a useless letter as it does not present any clear motivations in relation to goals. Spell it out. Be specific. Do not merely imply. Implied focus means you do not have any true idea behind your motivation for studies. Unless you can present a clear, focused, and solid plan behind your academic goals in relation to career achievements, I am afraid your motivation letter will not help to support your application.

Graduate / To Yale Silver from Belarus startup industry [3]

The presentation shows 2 definite things:
- A career plan covering long term visions
- A desire to effect a change in the field of work you plan to enter

The weakness, is that you do not discuss how you plan to use your internship year to help you achieve these goals. Rather than focusing on a professor from Yale, find a partner firm that can help expose you to the real world realities of the product development and business plan that you have in mind. avoid the reference to political impact. As a person engaged in medical tech, you have practically taken the Hippocratic Oath to serve people, regardless of social level, political beliefs, and religious background, among others. Focus only on the social impact of your vision and how you plan to change lives, like those of your grandfather.

Letters / Motivation letter for Stipendium Hungaricum - Technical Management (TM) or Electrical Engineering [2]

As this is a motivational letter, you have to present 2 solid areas of interest or motivation for the courses you have chosen. It is not enough to hvae a primary and secondary course choice in the presentation, when you have given any solid reasons for your interest in either course. Having a high school participation in one, without any additional supporting information, is not enough. Why do you want to have a C-Level position in a multinational company? What has motivated this aspiration? There is a lack of supporting explanation for this choice. The same problem exists for your secondary choice. There is no information that shows a true ambition, desire to succeed, and reason for the choice presented. The final paragraph is good, but the justifications for your choices are not. Focus more on the motivation before you focus on the reason you want to study in Hungary. That should be secondary in consideration or. integrated directly into the course discussion, based on separate reasons as it applies to your course of choice.

Undergraduate / OVERCOMING THE BEAUTY STANDARD - UNDERGRADUATE ADMISSIONS ESSAY [3]

This essay represents more of a background introduction than a period of growth and realization. I do not believe that you have chosen the right prompt for this essay. Instead, you should choose any of the following topics to use at the prompt requirement for your presentation:

- Some students have a background...please share your story.
- The lessons we take from obstacles ... learn from the experience?
- Share an essay on any topic ...your own design.

Personally, my strongest contenders for the replacement prompts would be the first and the third. The first, because you speak of your family background and upbringing. The third, because you are presenting more than just your family background in the essay. You are presenting an analysis of how the warring thoughts of your parents affected you and influenced a decision on your part. So the open topic essay appears to be the most suitable one for this piece of writing. Of course the final prompt choice is up to you. Just make sure you do not use the one you have currently chosen. It doesn't apply very much to the content of the essay.

Scholarship / PERSONAL STATEMENT/ Masters in Human Nutrition in South Korea / [SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION] [2]

Since the personal statement requires you to present a strong connection to South Korea, it would be in the best interest of your application to focus more of your discussion on what you learned about Korea and their diet during those 2 trips that you took. What you learned about their diet and how it affected your outlook as a dietician would have a strong impact on your motivation to study in Korea and clearly explain why you have chosen to study in Korea, without falling back on the amateur K-Pop and Hallyu references.

Overall, this is the most well connected personal statement I have read for a GKS - M applicant. You have strong credentials based on an overall stand point. Although, the reviewer will of course be highly interested in the 2 trips that you made to Korea. That should be the strongest focal point of your ability to mingle, learn, and observe others through a specific cultural reference. In this case, it would be nutrition based on the way it applied to you while you were in Korea. Explain how the 2 trips are different and how Korea helped grow your skills, interests, and learning as a nutritionist. These can be used as additional reasons for why you want to study in Korea aside from the final paragraph that you presented.

Writing Feedback / It is true that salary is a crucial factor for numerous people opting for a job [2]

Nobody should mark your essay here. A student who dares to mark your essay will find his account suspended. Scoring or, as you call it, marking, is part of our premium services which you have to acquire privately from us.

This is an extent essay. Therefore, stating information in the first sentence as "true" creates a prompt deviation on your part. The first deviation, is offering an opinion as a fact when it is not required and second, you do not offer a measured response in relation to the original prompt. Compare the original presentation to the one you have in this post and you will easily understand why your essay will receive a non passing score for this presentation:

Original Topic: When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. ( No claim of truthfulness or validity is being made, only a statement of the topic)

Your Topic: It is true that salary is a crucial factor for numerous people opting for a job. ( Factual statement is claimed which runs counter to the mere statement originally offered.)

Discussion Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: While I accept that this may fit a lot of job seekers, I do believe that they should ponder not only salary level but also other features. (Reasoning statement is provided without a measured response indicated.)

There is a lack of clarity in your response as there is no clear opinion presented based upon the measured response requirement. There is no midway point in this presentation that will allow you to agree and disagree with both implied sides of the discussion. Which is it? It appears that you disagree with the statement based on the reason you provided. You should have indicated a disagreement in response to the question, then added the reason for your disagreement as having other consideration points other than simply the salary a job offers. It is that point of view that will require 2 supporting reasons in the discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / In some nations, home ownership, not renting, is gaining more and more popularity [2]

There are two sentences that became unclear with the presence of two unnecessary word s in the prompt restatement. If you removed the phrase "for people" in reference to the role of owning a home, the sentence would have been clearer to the reader. Additionally, rather than "ownership", which was referred to in the original prompt, you should have used an alternate keyword such as "proprietorship". "Rent should have also been replaced with the word lease". It means the same thing as ownership, but was a replacement word for the original. Replacing heh keywords from the original prompt tend to increase your LR score. As for the second sentence error, it is more of a word phrase error. "feasibly prone". Feasible means "capable of being done" while "prone" indicates "a natural tendency". So the word phrase results in confusion for an ENL. Rather than trying to impress the reviewer with the use of incorrect vocabulary in reference to a positive position, you should have simply indicated that home ownership can be considered a positive outcome for people. Word usage, correct word usage, based on word meaning is very important in the overall scoring consideration. The LR score in this essay would have been greatly pulled down by the first paragraph vocabulary errors alone.

There is no such thing as a "rent house". Again, this is incorrect vocabulary usage. There are rented houses, rented homes, rentals, but never rent houses. To rent a house means the act of contracting a house to live in, it does not mean that you live in it. You also cannot say "reportedly" and then claim "in fact" immediately after. Reportedly means "according to a report or rumor". While "in fact" means the information is based on data. These types of errors will result in even more C&C deductions in your work.

Overall, this essay will fail based on several glaring errors, LR, GRA, and C&C problems. You are trying to gain a higher score based on word usage. Unfortunately, you do not have the proper understanding of the meaning of English words to properly use most of them in a coherent sentence. You also lack the basic understanding of how an English sentence is formed, as seen in your incorrect adverb usage at the start of a sentence.

The word "Otherwise" is an adverb used to describe an opposing or alternate presentation to a previous one. As such, you cannot use the word at the start of a paragraph where a topic sentence has yet to establish the content of the paragraph. This is a serious GRA error on your part and shows a lack of English sentence structure rules.

Graduate / Statement for Purpose for Masters in Game Design/Development [2]

What you have here is a great personal statement that shows the development of your interest in Game Design and Development. You have also shown a solid foundation in terms of your academic background in reference to this interest. However, it does not signify a proper statement of purpose for a masters course. Since you have an interest in completing a masters in Game Design and Development, the statement of purpose should reflect the reasons for your interest in pursuing this field on a more advanced level.

There are actually some sections in this presentation that you can use as a part of your statement of purpose. Paragraphs 3 and 4 can be modified to reflect the direction that you hope your future career in this field will be taking. These represent your professional foundation in reference to your relevant educational background. However, the reason for your interest is incomplete. You need to have at least a 6 month career plan culminating in a 5 year career plan presented as a part of the purpose for your studies.

If you want to create a more solid presentation, focus your purpose on the following theme:


That offers a clear, self, explanatory purpose for your studies. All you have to do after that, is develop the purpose based on your vision for either an open source game console or, an open source game, which will see reality perhaps as your kickstarter project or something. Then relate how the purpose fits in with the masters curriculum. Make sure the purpose ties in with 3 things at all times:

- Your future career
- The curriculum of the university
- How the additional studies will help you achieve your goals and ambitions

Writing Feedback / Convenience foods will become increasingly prevalent and eventually replace traditional foods [2]

Avoid changing the discussion reference from the original prompt. All your restatement references should have supporting factors or a basis of its representation, within the original prompt. So when you indicate that "Some people argue...", you are changing the discussion reference point from a discussion, which is the common set up for the topic presentations in task 2, to argumentative or a debate, when there is no reference to such in the original presentation. You should strive for restatement accuracy as you are scored heavily on that in the TA section.

Remember that all agree or disagree discussions are based on a single opinion presentation. It cannot be addressed in a comparative form as you did as you are clearly asked to represent a measured response to one side of the discussion ( To what extent do you agree or disagree with this? ) The change from single opinion to comparative discussion resulted in your response not being appropriate for the discussion as you changed the discussion focus from single opinion to comparative. This change in discussion slant will result in a lower than expected TA score. You already have 2 errors in the TA section as of now, meaning your essay may begin at a base failing score for its overall scoring possibility.

Writing Feedback / Subject: Letter of Intent to apply for a National Visa Type D to study in Germany [2]

Ali, you are not applying for admission to a university through the visa officer. You are trying to justify the reasons why you are a suitable student visa candidate. The focus of your essay should be on the following:

- Admission status to the university
- Method of payment for studies ( scholarship, work sponsored, out of pocket, etc.)
- Explanation of who will be financially responsible for your stay ( avoid reference to needing to work to support yourself)
- Timetable for your studies and activities required for your thesis completion ( in reference to student movement around Germany)
- Evidence of personal and financial ties to your home country
- Assurance of your exit from Germany whenever required (due to Covid 19 restrictions) or, upon completion of your course

Revise the content of your letter. Rather than explaining your educational expectations ( which should be summarized in the university admission discussion), focus on explaining your other qualifying considerations in terms of ties to your own country and, your ability to complete your studies without violating EU employment rules for students / professionals.

Scholarship / Egypt student - what does make you candidate for this program? [3]

I cannot review this response clearly without knowing if it is for a university application, what university you are applying to, and what course or, if it is for a scholarship program. If it is for a scholarship program, I need to know what scholarship it is and what discussion instructions were provided for the development of your response. As of now, this essay is a bag of confusion, lack of proper sentence development, and lack of discussion focus. This statement actually requires professional editing and writing at this point. The paper you wrote does not make any sense to the reader because you are rushing its development. You must focus on the qualities that you have as a student and your accomplishments in your field of study in the presentation. Those are 2 of the strongest factors that can dictate whether you are a suitable candidate for the program or now.

Undergraduate / The Blue Crew & Counterpoint - Additional Essay to Wellesley College [3]

Though this presentation is still faulty in terms of focus and scope, this is obviously, the best that you can do for this supplemental essay. After the umpteenth try, you have gotten close enough to an acceptable presentation for this prompt. So you better quit while you are ahead. Use this version for the supplemental essay or, stop trying to develop your response to it. This is as close as you will get to a usable supplemental essay on this topic after several tries at writing a suitable response. It is good enough. It still focuses too much on reliving your past in relation to your future instead of focusing on the future that you will have at the university, but I guess you are incapable of being forward thinking without constantly referring to your past, which should not be constantly referred to in your discussion essays. So this will have to do. This is as good as it will get for you. Do not post another Wellesley 100 essay in this forum. This is good enough.

Writing Feedback / The graph shows the percentage of four different types of fuels in use between the years 1800 / 2000 [2]

You have a neatly presented summary, but, it is more of a run-on than a complex sentence presentation. The sentence contains 3 different pieces of information:

- Type of image
- Topic of the image
- Measurement type
- Years surveyed

The clarity of the summary would have benefited from a single sentence presentation for each piece of information. That would have been the best way for you to meet the simple and complex sentence mix requirement per paragraph. By the way, you missed outlining the 4 types of fuel used. It should have been a part of the require summary information presented along with the reference to "different percentage fuel used" in a manner that would have properly created a complex sentence reference.

You have a good trending paragraph going there. However, the presentation sounds more like an under developed paragraph instead of a fully developed trending statement. When there is only 1 image involved, it is better to create a 3 paragraph presentation for clarity sake, rather than forcing a 4 paragraph presentation that does not meet the minimum paragraph requirements.

Writing Feedback / Parent or teacher who should be more responsible for the child in his attitude? [2]

Since the TA section profiles your English comprehension skills based upon how well you can explain the original prompt to the reader, it is important that you do not begin to discuss the essay in the first paragraph. The expectation in this paragraph is that you will be able to restate the original prompt, without adding a personal opinion or otherwise irrelevant information. Irrelevant information would be the first 4 sentences in your current paragraph. You have to stick to a simple restatement of the original discussion topic. You should not offer rhetorical questions either. The question was posed at the end of the original prompt. All you have to do is respond directly to that question in the final 2 sentences of the restatement. This will help establish how well you understood the original prompt and also, clarify your opinion, in the correct portion of the prompt, based on the discussion response requirements. Outlining your 2 supporting reasons in this section would have done more for your TA score than this creative, but irrelevant presentation.

Nobody is asking you to define what a nucleus family is. There is no need to go into a detailed explanation of the family unit and its function. Simply use a topic sentence, that refers to a supporting reason for your opinion. You are not really meeting the single opinion requirement in this presentation. Your overall discussion approaches this more as an academic opinion paper based on an open topic rather than an academic opinion paper based on a focused Task 2 topic.

Next time, post the prompt along with your response essay. That way I can give an even more direct and applicable review of your work.

Writing Feedback / Children as a good member of a society. What are the best ways to learn about it? [2]

If I were to base the score of this essay on it restatement of the original prompt, then this essay would receive an immediate failing score. Why? Your prompt restatement does not relate, represent, nor use any of the required discussion information from the original presentation. As your task accuracy is partially based on how well you represent the original discussion in your own words, without changing the key discussion points, this essay cannot be given a passing score in that section. The score for this paragraph will be based on how you did not discuss the given topic, since your restatement is unrelated to the original presentation.

Since this essay is based on relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience, quoting Santoso will not help this essay. For one thing, you may be the only person who knows Santoso, which means this information is based on specialized, rather than commonly known information. Had you stated his point of view, without referring to Santoso in the presentation, you would have met the information requirements in a more appropriate manner. Once again, there is a change of information source on your part that does not follow the original instructions for the discussion.

That Santoso discussion totally changed the discussion expectations from the original, further creating a failing essay on your part because you veered away from the original discussion requirements. Even though you wrote an extremely long presentation, because you failed to understand the discussion instructions for this essay, you cannot expect to receive a passing score for this type of non discussion compliant presentation.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship for MSc inn Electrical Engineering [2]

You have covered almost all of the required information in the given discussion list. However, the first part, is too long. Try to summarize your college background and focus on your professional qualifications that make you a suitable candidate for the course. While you are academically prepared based on your educational background, the professional aspect must have better prepared you for your future studies as demanded by this course. There has to be a professional qualification on your part, aside from the academic foundation.

Now, having said that you have a comprehensive written interview prepared, there are still a few elements that you failed to respond to. Mostly in the realm of the "challenges you expect to encounter" and "how you could prepare for the challenges". I have not read a reference to these discussion points, and i have reviewed your paper several times, trying to be sure that I did not accidentally overlook your statement in relation to these discussion questions.

Once you have revised the response to reflect the 2 missing points, you should then focus on perfecting the content in terms of grammar accuracy. You have to proof read the paper or have it professionally edited for clarity and other writing errors.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Task 2: Should young people be encouraged to come to theatre? [7]

Priscilla, the number of words that you type above the minimum count are not going to help increase your overall score. The ideal word number is anywhere between 275-290 words. This is the ideal count that will help you focus more on the LR, C&C, and GRA sections of the scoring consideration. Anything more than just, proves that you can type fast, but not necessarily within a clear or understandable context. The main scoring consideration is based on how well you explain your thoughts in English, not the number of words that you can type, or the vocabulary that you know, which may be used in the wrong context. You typed very well in this essay, but it did not translate to a well scoring essay because of the problems that exist in your presentation. This is why the number of words do not matter as much as the content, clarity, and presentation of the essay. For these 3 considerations, you should allot at least 10 minutes towards the end of the writing test, for proofreading and improvements to the presentation.

Your restated prompt is entirely out of context and does not relate to the original presentation. You must learn to identify keywords that describe the factors in the original discussion point. The keywords in this case are : countries, young people, classical music concerts, plays and performances. The reference to the performances should never be mixed up with ordinary entertainment and theater. Your alternative word usage representing classical music concerts, plays and performances were faulty. The alternate words used were incorrect and will lower the LR score due to incorrect descriptive word usage.

As far as I can tell, you are constantly misusing descriptive words in this essay. For example. descendant means: a person or animal that is descended from a specific ancestor; an offspring. I sincerely doubt that is not the meaning you were aiming for when you decided to use that word. You have to remember, word meaning in your native language will not translate the same way to English. So you have to be highly familiar with English word meaning and usage forms. That is the only way to avoid those types of errors in the future. Your English grammar is beginner-intermediate, not yet at intermediate level.

You should not agree with anything in this presentation since you are not being asked for an opinion discussion. Do not present information that is going to be a part of the original discussion requirements. You will lose points for altering the prompt discussion focus. This error continued into the concluding paragraph, which, rather than summarizing the overall discussion, ended up changing the discussion parameters totally. This will ensure that your essay cannot pass the test. Stick to the prompt requirements, and your pass. Alter the discussion elements, and you fail.

Scholarship / Studying International Relations in Hungary - Stipendium Hungaricum Motivation Letter [3]

The Nelson Mandela speech is out of place. You are not at the level of Nelson Mandela in terms of being able to effect changes in the life of people as an undergraduate. Remove that reference as it does not help progress the information you are presenting. The motivational statement you have created does not deal with poverty but rather, international relations. These two areas of study do not go hand in hand. They refer to different study focuses, based on different college majors. Remove all references to poverty in your essay. Focus instead on building the international relationship of your home country with the world as one of your motivations.

Language learning is not a good reason to use for Hungarium Stupendum. Most students who use their desire to improve their language skills as a scholar normally fail to get into the program. You can improve your English language skills even without leaving your home country. You can do that online if you wish to. So using that as a reason for wanting to receive a scholarship is tremendously shallow and irrelevant as a motivation.

You should have an academic institution chosen as a part of your academic motivation. That will help show that you have given careful consideration to what it is you want to learn, how a Hungarian university can help you achieve your goals, and why you believe that Hungary is the only place where you can achieve your academic and personal goals.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 - Mountain or Beach for Holiday time [3]

Do not form the opening paragraph in a manner that represents a personal opinion instead of a public sentiment as promoted in the original presentation. Your personal opinion, or response to the given question regarding the discussion, should not come until the last 2 or final sentence at the end of the restated paragraph. When asked for a personal choice or opinion, it is best to clearly set out an opinion in support of one of the two discussion topics. This will help settle the clarity of your opinion as you will be within range of the personal opinion question pertaining to which one YOU prefer for your vacation.

You have to complete this discussion within a 5 paragraph response. The first 2, should represent the reasons why people prefer the beach (one paragraph) or, the mountains (another paragraph), the last paragraph , should be representative of where you prefer to spend your vacation. Hence creating a comparative essay with a personal opinion.

Avoid using the same phrase to start your paragraph twice in a row. This shows a clear limitation of your English sentence formation abilities, since you prefer to use cut and paste or memorized phrases for that portion ( It is important...) It appears that you copied the writing method of the other person who posted a similar topic at this forum because you have the same discussion pattern, and the same writing problems. Please do not merely plagiarize the writing of others. Copying the way other people write means you also copy their mistakes and, in the process, results in you failing to write a proper essay based on your own writing skills and talents. You will fail because you did not even try to write something original. You chose to copy someone else instead.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2 : A parent's insistence on children. Reasons? Negative or positive effects? [2]


- Do not exaggerate the given topic for discussion in the original prompt. Since you were not asked if the implied discussion topic is true or false in the original prompt, there is no need to refer to such a statement in your representation of the prompt. This was the only problem in your first paragraph. You did well enough in the response to the questions provided. While a discussion topic presentation would have garnered you a higher TA score, the restatement of the discussion instructions will also be an acceptable presentation in that section. It will not increase your TA score to the extent that the outlined response would have, but it will help your TA score just the same.

The reasoning paragraph was well developed until the last sentence in the presentation. The topic in that section was not fully explained, defended, nor supported in your presentation paragraph. That single error in presentation in that paragraph automatically made it under developed, resulting in minimal point deductions, but deductions nonetheless. Never add a topic you cannot fully develop alongside the other topics. Do not risk receiving point deductions. You never know if the percentage deduction might prevent you from receiving a passing score.

The results paragraph and the conclusion are acceptable and show that you are capable of properly developing discussion presentations in a manner that will be clear to the reader. You also avoided making notable GRA errors in both paragraphs so your score will benefit from the "clean" presentation of those sections.

Writing Feedback / To the beach or to the mountains on vacation time? Writing Task 2 [2]

Please provide the complete prompt next time. It will help me better assess your work based on the discussion instructions and requirements. I will give a general review of your paper for now.

You cannot use both a singular and plural reference in the same paragraph. The first paragraph has sentence grammar issues because, in the first sentence you refer to "some person" but in the next sentence address "another people". Be uniform in your numerical reference. Since the original prompt refers to the plural form, your alternate reference words should also be in the plural format.

Do not start your paragraphs with redundant phrases such as "It is important ..." This shows a limited grammar range on your part and an incapacity to form original topic sentences. You clearly show an ability to use only memorized phrases, which will definitely have a direct effect on your TA and GRA score.

Essays / Struggling to write UBC Personal Profile Answer: how the pandemic has changed your involvement [3]

You can definitely write about the music club. This is a club that, due to the physical set-up of the group and what it must accomplish, requires real time interaction in a physical location. This is an activity that is difficult to carry out in Covid times so it would be interesting to read about how you manage to hold meetings and practices in a virtual setting. Considering that the sound you create either vocally or instrumentally will not be united in tone and rhythm, you should not find it difficult to justify how the involvement, your involvement in particular, was altered in our new normal. I am not sure how educational equality applies to the music club scenario but that is a start for the learning experience discussion. Personally, I would respond by explaining how each member of the group learned how to adjust to the virtual sessions in a manner that would achieve a physical presence / practice result.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task about going to mountain and beach [2]

The extent essay instruction asks you to give a measured response based on the given discussion. That means you have to clearly indicate an opinion that either agrees or disagrees with the given 2 opinions. You cannot have an "equal opinion" for both because that means you do not have an opinion at all. You are scored in the TA section based upon your opinion of the discussion topic. There are only 2 choices, either you agree or disagree to a measured extent, there is no "equal agreement and disagreement" with the given topic. The response must always indicate the reason for the extent of the response. This is not a comparative essay. It is still a single opinion essay. You give a measured response that should indicate:

I disagree with these statements due to the consideration that each activity ...

I agree with the statements because of the way that both activities...

Writing Feedback / Are sports stars paid too much money? - My first essay - FCE Exam [2]

You must avoid using informal English, specifically contractions in your presentation. Those will still count at two words in the eyes of the examiner, resulting in an over the top excessive word count in your essay. It is okay to be a few words over the limit, it is not okay to be excessively over the limit, which is the result of the use of contractions in your presentation.

Although your grammar is not perfect, your ideas still come across clearly to the reader. However, you forgot to include the question you are responding to which has prevented me from providing you with a more intricate review of your work. I hope that you can provide the question, the complete question next time, so that I can review your response based on the proper writing considerations for an FCE essay.