Scholarship / Development context - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*? [3]

Okay, you Have a good start on the explanation for why you chose the universities. You just need to expand on the explanations though. One paragraph per university. Build on the reasons through theoretical and career progression relevance. Relate the university choice to the required training for your future career advancement. Speaking of which, you failed to properly explain why you chose your proposed course at every university. Don't give a long backgrounder. Instead, offer the reviewer a forward looking response. Where do you see your career going after you complete your studies? How are your studies relevant to your immediate career plans? Define what your career goals are and why you need the additional education from each university. How does each course apply to a different career path for you? Or do the studies of either course converge at a certain point with regards to your career options? These guide questions should help you better respond to the questions posed.

Writing Feedback / Problems - New technologies have changes the way children spend their free time. [2]

Okay, the original prompt asks you to consider if the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. That means that your approach to this essay should be a 4 paragraph essay of no more than 5 sentences maximum per paragraph, using the following format:

- Paraphrase
- Consider the disadvantages
- Refute the disadvantages as advantages
- Summarize the salient discussion points to close the essay

Your discussion does not properly develop the discussion topics for the essay. You do not provide coherent and cohesive discussion points because you are only discussing the advantages and disadvantages without properly developing the paragraph discussions. You have to learn how to use the discussion formats to your advantage.

Based on your stance in the paraphrase, you appear to support the idea that new technologies are advantageous to children based on how they spend their free time. So, the proper way to discuss this would have been to choose 2 connected disadvantages in one paragraph. They need to be related somehow because you need to focus on a cohesive and coherent discussion. 2 topics may be discussed in one paragraph, provided the reasons are related and can be supported by a single example in the same paragraph.

Now, after you have presented the disadvantages, reverse the discussion. Think of how the negatives you presented can actually be flipped to become positives for the discussion. Once you disprove the disadvantages in the next paragraph discussion, you will have created a fully discussed, coherent, and cohesive discussion presentation. Right now the essay does not meet the proper formatting requirements for clarity and cohesiveness. However, your TA approach is somewhat acceptable as it manages to respond to the question posed in the original prompt. While it could have been better presented, you were able to indicate a solid opinion on the matter and supported it, although in a not so well developed manner, within the reasoning paragraphs.

By the way, don't aim to write 300 words. Try to write between 275-290 words instead. That is the ideal number of words to write that will leave you with editing time for the essay. You actually over discussed the topic. You went over the maximum sentence count per paragraph which is 5. The general writing rule is Keep It Short Silly (KISS). Make sure you are understood by the examiner. The way that you explain yourself, how you are understood by the examiner is more important than the number of reasons you discuss. You are scored on your comprehension and clear explanation skills far more than your ability to discuss several reasons based on a given topic. Think of it this way:

Confuse the examiner by offering more reasons than explanations in one paragraph = Low Score

Give the examiner a clear explanation based on 2 related reasons in a single paragraph = High Score

Scholarship / Australia Awards Scholarship Supporting Statement (Master of Commerce) [3]

The essay that you wrote does not properly respond to the prompt. You must write a new essay. Let me see if I can explain the requirements in a clearer manner to you. There is no need to discuss your undergraduate course in the essay. You can simply start by saying that you run your family business but do not have a business background. Everything you learned about business, you learned on the job. So, now that your family business is beginning to grow, you need more insight into how to take the business to the next level.

From that point, discuss how the masters course you have chosen at the university will help you expand the family business. Discuss what the course is about and what you hope to learn, focus on how you can apply the information you will gain within the family business.

As for the choice of university, you have a very generic response. It doesn't tell the reviewer anything about your academic goals in relation to your profession that the university will be addressing. What is so special about the business course that you will be studying? Don't just enumerate the courses, discuss why the courses are important to your business. Don't be subject specific, be course specific. The ranking of the university has nothing to do with your choice. It should be based on your academic objectives, as responded to by the university masters program, that you should be discussing.

Writing Feedback / Household living - WRITING TASK 1_BAR CHART_CAMBRIDGE 13 TEST 2 [5]

Since you forgot to upload the image with the essay that you wrote, your writing cannot be reviewed for data accuracy and task requirements. Only a grammar and general review of your essay can be completed. Please remember to upload the image next time you post an essay so that a complete review of your work can be provided.

Your essay lacks in punctuation marks. You have a tendency to write extremely long sentences without offering the reader a pause, through the use of a comma or, a period, which would signify the end of one thought and the start of another. Without proper punctuation marks throughout your essay, it becomes difficult to make sense of what you are trying to say. It is difficult to remember what you have said previously because you are trying to connect several thoughts into one sentence. The presentation should be limited to 1 thought per sentence or 2 connected thoughts, properly punctuated, for the benefit of the reader and presentation clarity.

Limit your essay to only 150-190 words. Always allot time for editing your paper. Use about 5 minutes to edit the final paper. Remember, there are only 20 minutes allotted for the task completion and within that time frame you will need to:

- Draft the information representation
- Arrange the information being presented
- Check for grammar, spelling, and information errors
- Correct the errors
- Finalize the content

So you have to focus on brevity for your presentation. Focus on conciseness and coherence. You need to make sure the data you are presenting is complete and, informative. I cannot say that your presentation is accurate at this point. You forgot to upload the image that would have helped me figure that out. Maybe I can do that next time for you.

(WARNING! STUDENTS CANNOT POST THE IMAGE FOR THE OP! DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK!)

Writing Feedback / Some people believe online reading materials should only be used for a child to learn to read [2]

This is a 5 paragraph essay based on the discussion outline requirement which was provided in the original essay. Always look for the discussion outline instruction at the end of the original prompt. That is what will tell you how many paragraphs to write in the essay. Based on the instruction, which is: Discuss both views and give your opinion., you were to discuss this in a 5 paragraph format:

- Topic paraphrase
- Online reading materials should be used to teach children to read
- Printed material should be used
- Personal opinion
- Concluding summary

Your topic paraphrase must never include your personal opinion yet. You have to simply outline what the discussion paragraphs will be about in that part of the paraphrase. So, it should be presented as:

Some people prefer to use electronic books and reference materials are more commonly used to assist in kids reading lessons. Others are simply old school, and believe that only paper and ink based texts should be used for such matters. It is important to assess the benefits of each teaching style in relation to the way children learn to read. Only upon proper consideration of each side of the discussion can I decide on a teaching style to support.

So, based on the paraphrase I created, you can clearly see how the discussion paragraphs should go. There are 3 comparison paragraphs covering:

- Electronic books
- Printed material
- My personal choice

Your personal choice needs to be allocated its own paragraph because you need to justify your decision based on the discussion of the 2 public considerations. It is not a part of the conclusion because the conclusion should serve as a wrap up of the discussion. The concluding paragraph should:

- Repeat the topic for the discussion
- Repeat the support for electronic books in a single sentence
- Repeat the support for printed books in a single sentence
- Repeat your point of view
- Close the discussion

The concluding paragraph is a paraphrase of the previous discussion. It is similar to the original paraphrase since it mentions the original topic, but changes the slant to restate the reasoning paragraphs you created instead of simply repeating the content of the original prompt.

Limit yourself to one topic per discussion paragraph. Complete the explanation of your reason within 5 sentences. Do not use 2 reasons per paragraph. It creates an under developed explanation and provides a lack of cohesiveness and coherence in the paragraph presentation. This is why it is important to outline your discussion before you start writing the draft of the essay. You only have 40 minutes, focus on clarity, not number of reasons, that will not increase your band score. In fact, the number of reasons are not even part of the band scoring considerations. Your score will be assessed mostly on the way by which you format the paper and the clarity of your explanations.

Graduate / AAS International Security - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution [3]

This essay has nothing to do with your undergraduate course. You are being asked to explain why you chose to study this masters course in relation to your current career and you duties and responsibilities. The question actually is: Why did you choose to study International Security at the University of Sydney? Your response should indicate:

- What your current job description is
- How the course you have chosen is relevant to your job
- What your academic goals are
- How the universities you have chosen can respond to your academic needs. Make sure you use one paragraph per university in the discussion. Be detailed, don't use a shortcut in the response. Vary the response for every course you chose at each university (if you are applying for various course admissions). Otherwise, explain why each university excites you with its international security program. One university, one paragraph, one explanation.

- How you see the combination of the course, the university, and the Australian study experience will help you achieve your professional goals.

Indicate a response to these guide questions and you will have a more definitive response to the question posed in the application essay.

Writing Feedback / Women who worked in parliament - IELTS _Writing Task 1_Line Chart [8]

You do not have a complete summary overview. The summary overview should include:
- The type of graph (provided)
- Type of measurement used (not provided)
- Names of the 5 countries (not provided)
- Time frame (incorrectly provided)
- Trending reference

Your topic summary is not a true paraphrase of the original. You still have too many of the original keywords included in your version so it would be considered a cut and paste rather than an original writing. Here's one way of presenting the summary overview:

A line graph is provided that measures the number of female parliamentary members in 5 countries. The represented countries are: Germany, Italy, France, UK. and Belgium. The percentage of women representatives were measured over a 12 year period from the year 2000 up to 2012. Based on the provided numerical percentage data, it appears that there was an increasing trend among the lady parliamentarians.

With 175 words written, you have actually written enough words to have your essay considered for the higher scoring brackets for all 4 scoring considerations. However, the existing problems of the essay will definitely affect the final score you will receive. Let me show you some of the problems I spotted in your essay.

There is a spelling error in your presentation for the word equaled. The correct spelling is equalled. You also capitalized words that are not proper nouns such as "Women" in the presentation. Several other errors exist in your presentation but these do not impede the understanding of your writing by the reader. Your sentence rely too much on commas for discussion separation. Learn to use other punctuation marks instead. Use anything from a semicolon to a period throughout the sentences per paragraph to help boost your GRA score. Remember you are also scored on your ability to use a mix of complex and simple sentences, with additional punctuation marks. So don't just rely on the comma and period to create your sentences and represent your thoughts. Use other punctuation marks as well.

@my123456 please do not pay attention to SillyFox. That user has been reprimanded for power tripping on the forum. No forum user should have to beg for help. It is freely given here provided the members follow all forum regulations at all times. No member is required to beg for help from anybody here. After all, aside from the contributors, all of you are still English language learners, not a single one of the users here will be better than the other. Users of the forum are expected to help one another, without question or pause. It is just the right thing to do between learners.

Writing Feedback / Distant-learning and telecommuting [2]

Don't you find it difficult to write an essay that does not take a solid stance on the given topic? I am just wondering about that because, aside from the fact that not having a solid opinion on the topic, when one is required will automatically get you a TA score of 2, it is also difficult to discuss 2 different topics within 2 reasoning paragraphs in this essay. It is difficult to score highly in the cohesiveness and coherence section when you are discussing 2 unrelated paragraphs in a 4 paragraph essay. Unless the essay is clearly an A/D or 2 opinion with personal point of view essay, you do not need to take a non-stance in the discussion presentation. The requirement is one opinion, properly supported in 2 reasoning paragraphs. It is never a comparison essay discussion.

Your essay will not score well because you did not properly respond to the prompt requirement. The discussion format is incorrect in the reasoning paragraphs. You are not saying that you believe this is a positive development. Neither are you saying that this is a negative development. What you are saying is that the topic is both a positive and negative development. Your response is a maybe. You cannot use maybe as a reason because you only have Yes or No to choose from, positive or negative. That is what the examiner will expect you to respond with in your prompt paraphrase. As such, your essay is inconclusive in terms of discussion and, due to the other existing grammar and punctuation problems, will have a difficulty in achieving a passing band score.

Research Papers / Resurrecting the Extinct, Detracting from Evolution [2]

What is the point of the discussion? You do not have a clear thesis statement at the start of the research paper. The quote from the movie is a nice touch. However, it should have been a stand alone quote. It would give an impressive kick-off to the introduction paragraph. By the way, its Goldblum's character in Jurassic Park that uttered the quote, not the actor. So you have to be clear, it was the character you are quoting, not the actor. The actor is just that, an actor. He could care less about the evolution of extinct creatures. After that quote, limit the reference to the movie in the paper. Academicians really hate it when movie information is mixed in with actual scientific data. It really weakens the presentation and the authority of the overall paper as you present it.

I am not sure if you are cautioning against the revival of extinct species or the revival of the species with caution. I think you need to go back and outline your paper again. Start with your thesis statement then work on the sections and sub sections for the type of information you will be presenting and how you will be presenting it. Whatever you do, never end a paragraph with a reference to a quotation or in-text citation. You will need to add some personal opinion, explanation, or a transition sentence after that to make the paper flow better from one paragraph to the next.

Scholarship / Current Duties and Responsibilities as District Program Coordinator [6]

Technically, this is just a bullet point listing of your duties and responsibilities for the HR reviewer to consider with your job application. It does not require too much writing as it is only meant to serve as an overview of your work related skills and attributes as a team player. I would not ask you to change anything in this presentation because of the nature of the job that you do. However, if the job application requires a deeper presentation of your job duties and responsibilities, then you need to provide information about the specifics they require. That way I can give you more detailed advice about how to achieve it.

Writing Feedback / Many wild animals are in danger. [2]

Any essay, be it an academic or English exam presentation requires the same formatting presentation:

-Introduction
-Discussion 1
-Discussion 2
-Conclusion

Your current essay contains references to each part. However, you just compressed it all into one paragraph, which made the essay difficult to read and keep track of. You did not really do much work in terms of reasoning development, which is an integral part of essay writing. You have to practice dividing your essay into discussion topics/paragraphs where you clearly explain and support your reasons. That way you ease your reader into the discussion and give them a chance to keep track of the discussion in a manner that makes the essay easy for them to read and remember.

Now, in relation to your grammar errors, I'll assume that you are preparing for the IELTS and use the UK English rules to review your work. Let's get started.

When you use an apostrophe, you need to be sure if you are simply referring to the noun or pronoun of a word. When you referred to "species", you needed the apostrophe at the end to change the form of the word from the noun to pronoun form. When using the word "So" at the start of the sentence, you need to place a comma after it. It will indicate a pause and also, an introduction to the sentence content. You should also understand the use of the word "The" in the English vocabulary. Whether American or UK English, the word is used as the most common connecting word in sentences. For instance "people are polluting THE air and THE water sources".

This could have been a 2 paragraph presentation. The first part indicated the causes and the second part, offered the solutions. The start of the next paragraph should have been at the point where you said "So what solutions..." Again, the essay could have been separated into paragraphs based on several other discussion topics presented. However, I want to concentrate on only 2 parts of your presentation for now since you are just starting to learn how to write essays. These tips should be useful when you write your next practice essay.

You have the potential to develop good essays. I hope that I can continue to guide your improvement in the future. See you here again soon!

Writing Feedback / Older generations have traditional values about how people should live, think and behave [2]

The question is "To what extent do you agree OR disagree with the given statement?" You are not being asked "Do you think the belief has advantages and disadvantages?" Since the word OR exists in the original presentation, you are clearly being required to choose only one of the two options to discuss in your essay. This is a single point of view essay discussion, not a comparative discussion. it is because of this comparative discussion in your essay that your TA score will only be a 2. That score is based on the fact that your essay does not express a solid position as required by the discussion instruction. As such, the full discussion will not be helpful in increasing your score to the 5 base score for a passing essay.

Clearly, you did not understand the discussion requirements, which is why your response format is incorrect. Based on the error in your discussion approach, it will be silly for me to review the other problems in your presentation as it relates to the scoring considerations. You already failed the test the minute you made that mistake in your prompt paraphrase and discussion question response.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Advantages and Disadvantages - Children enjoy playing video game. [3]

Your prompt paraphrase needs work. The prompt paraphrase is only used to show that you understood the original discussion topic and are capable of restating it in an original manner. There is absolutely no need to go into topic deviations such as the 4th Industrial Revolution and the like. The paraphrasing of this topic is actually quite simple and straightforward. Allow me to show you a better sample of how you could have approached this discussion:

The ease by which people can acquire personal computers for entertainment purposes have had an effect on kids. Kids are now spending most of their time playing electronic games. An activity that appears to have both a good and bad side for the youngsters.

Even educators admit that gamers exhibit a better range of analogy, processing speed, and mathematical intelligence than non-gamers do... A negative aspect related to these advantages are that being so enthralled in the f...diet-related health issues.

Even as these interactive games promote online socialization via virtual worlds where... the same games are seen to stunt the emotional growth of its players. It is believed that video games have been the subject of objections for depictions of violence and criminal activities...

Do you see what I did there? I connected 2 topics in every reasoning paragraph. Thus fulfilling the "advantages / disadvantages" discussion each time. When you discuss these types of essays, look for reasons that can have both the pro and con discussion presented in a related manner. That way the discussion is connected, strengthening your C&C discussion score in the process.

Writing Feedback / What are the causes for changing jobs every couple of years? [4]

The essay restatement is good. It clearly restates the prompt and outlines the discussion paragraphs clearly. However, when it came to the actual application of the discussion paragraphs, the essay presentation fell apart. It created confusing paragraph presentations because of the unreasonable focus on reasons rather than a comparative discussion. The format for the reasoning paragraphs should have been:

- Perceived advantage topic
- Reason why you see the advantage as a disadvantage
- Supporting example depicting the advantage as a true disadvantage
- Additional explanation (optional) in support of the example
- Introduction to the next topic

Just 5 sentences covering 2 related topics in one paragraph. This would have created a cohesive and coherent reasoning discussion which would have tremendously boosted your scores across all sections. You have actually written an essay that shows your familiarity with the topic. The problem, is that you were unable to properly support your explanations with clear reasoning presentations. Always remember, it is the clarity of the explanation, not the number of reasons that help you score well in the end.

Graduate / Banking Sector - How will the proposed study contribute to your career*? Australia Award. [3]

The 2 middle sections of your presentation are irrelevant to the discussion of your career. Only the first and last information outlines are relevant to the discussion. So you should approach the essay from the point of view of your current employment position.

Par. 1: Explain what your current position is and what the next step in the promotional ladder is.
Par. 2: Indicate your career plan and how it relates to the masters course you will be completing.
Par. 3: Now, consider that you have completed the course, explain in detail how you plan to begin using your new knowledge on the job.
Par. 4: Be specific about where you plan to work, and how your knowledge will help make you a good candidate for the job.

There is no need to add more information other than the specifics I have presented above. The middle part is irrelevant because you are lecturing the reviewer instead of responding to the information requirements. That is why I want you to remove those portions from the presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Public funds on the arts? Is the government wasting money? [5]

This is a single opinion essay. You cannot use a comparative discussion format for this. You are to fully support a strong stance given the discussion topic. In order to support the statement, you first need to indicate how strongly you feel about the topic. You cannot simply agree or disagree. You need a sense of heavy emotion to complete the response. Additionally, you should not have started your actual discussion in the prompt paraphrase. You should have reserved it Had I written the prompt paraphrase for this essay, I would have said:

Most governments have a policy of supporting the arts. However, certain sectors of society do not support this move. They believe that the financial allowance for the arts should be re-allocated for more important projects. My personal observations regarding this discussion topic has led me to strongly disagree with the latter belief. I believe that the allowance for the arts should not be distributed to other projects.

Now, once you have made your support for a particular side clear, the examiner will expect you to justify your position using 2 valid positions in the reasoning paragraphs. One reason per paragraph. You must never do a comparative essay and have a divided point of view unless you are discussing a A/D essay topic. Anything other than that topic in particular, you must always present a solid support for only one side.

The reason behind this is simple, by focusing your discussion on only 1 stand to defend, you will have the full opportunity to score well in the coherence and cohesiveness section of the essay, which is the next highest scoring consideration in the grading rubic. When you divide the discussion points into pro and con, you do not create a cohesive and coherent presentation. It alters the instruction from the singular stance discussion to a divided stance presentation. That runs against the original instruction for the discussion as provided.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Should animals be kept in zoos? Describe both views and give your own opinion [2]

There is a distinct possibility that you could score within the 5 range with this type of work. The major issues with your paper include an improper prompt restatement (which deducts heavily in the TA section), a lack of properly developed discussion points in the paragraphs (due to an overstatement of reasons instead of developing a singular reason), and an over-writing of words which would affect your ability to review, correct, and finalize your paper within 40 minutes.

A proper prompt restatement does not use information that is not included in the original presentation. This part of the essay is used to test your vocabulary skills, use of synonyms, and your ability to explain information provided to you in a clear and understandable manner. You did not really achieve that in this presentation because the first part of your presentation does not use information as provided. A sample of a proper paraphrase is:

There is a question as to the existence of man cared for animal habitats in today's society. It would appear that there are people who believe that animal sanctuaries have no relevance in these modern times. I find myself in disagreement with this point of view.

An artificial animal environment is important because....

Please note how I transformed the original posting using a clear understanding of the topic. I used alternative representations for the keywords, and I made sure to respond to the given discussion instruction at the end. Based on the given original statement, the total number of sentences for the paraphrase is a total of 3 sentences. In relation to this, I have to tell you that writing 309 words isn't so realistic in the exam setting. Anywhere from 250-290 words would be more sufficient as it would allow you editing time prior to the end of the test. Focus on the clarity of your reasoning paragraphs, not the number of reasons you can provide. You only need one topic sentence per paragraph and one transition sentence at the end to help introduce the next reasoning paragraph topic.

Your essay could not score higher in terms of cohesiveness and coherence because you tried to discuss too much information per paragraph. For the reasoning paragraphs, you are going to be scored on the following:

- Validity of the topic sentence
- Explanation of the topic sentence
- Example that supports the topic sentence
- Additional supporting reason
- Transition sentence into the next paragraph

When you use 2 reasons in a paragraph, the second reason is always one of 2 things, either unrelated to the discussion or, not explained enough in the paragraph due to the 5 sentence limitation. Your first reasoning paragraph suffered from this. You have an unrelated discussion in the way that you suddenly added the following information:

Although it is difficult in the sense that hardly can teachers take care of their pupils, this method helps students enhance comprehension and release stress after nerve-racking tasks.

That is totally unrelated to the given original discussion topic and your reasoning paragraph. Hence, the lower C&C scores. Then, grammar structure problems present itself, which further lowered the possibility of your scoring above a 5.

Writing Feedback / There is disagreement on the impact of increased business and culture contact between the countries [2]

Your response deviated from the discussion reason that was provided in the original prompt. The only perspective that you should be discussing in this essay is the one related to the reference of ; "on the country's identity ". That means, the discussion is not about the globalization of business but rather the "regionalization" of a business. The latter term is in reference to how global brands enter a country and, by virtue of their desire to be accepted by the country's national's, they adjust their global presence to suit the needs and tastes of the individual country.

Your discussion is all over the place. You have taken into account all possible discussion angles except the one that really matters, which is the disappearance or pollution of the country's identity due to the increased business presence of a foreign company in the country. Possible discussion points here would have been why Dunkin', even though it is a popular brand across the world, could not find acceptance for the global brand in India. Or, why Starbucks is not succeeding in Vietnam, even though the country is known for having heavy coffee drinkers. Both businesses signify and increased international business in the country, but also, represents a distortion of the culture and identity of the country through the introduction of hybrid products that are meant to keep the global brand alive, while catering to local tastes.

Had you focused on the true discussion point of the essay, you would have presented a clear discussion that paints a clear understanding of the discussion subject and provided discussion point. The way I see it, the essay is good, but not really focused on the required discussion point.

Writing Feedback / The government should sometimes infringe on people's freedom for the security of society. [2]

I am not sure if you wrote this as a part of a Task 2 essay writing practice or if you are just writing a general essay given a specific topic. Either way, the main problem that I see with your work has to do with the clarity of the discussion. You have to do more sentence completion exercises before you start to write essays. Most of your sentences are difficult to understand because of the improper word choices. It creates difficulty in understanding what you are trying to say. Here is a tip, don't write too much in a sentence. Keep it short. Work on using simple vocabulary for now. Don't over complicate your writing exercise. Focus on learning how to make yourself understood first. That start, with learning how to properly structure an English sentence. So work on English sentence exercises alongside your essay writing sessions. That would be the best way to improve the main problem with your writing style / skills.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] Discussion about online courses [2]

There is a slight error in your discussion instruction paraphrase. You are not going to discuss the advantages and possible risks, you are to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the proposed learning methods. A risk is defined as exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance, while a disadvantage is ; the state or an instance of being in an unfavorable circumstance or condition. Based on the definition, I am sure you can understand why your response is in error when considered in the original context of the discussion. this is a D/A discussion essay.

Still in reference to your opening paraphrase, you did not fully rephrase the presentation to show a clear knowledge of the English language. You are still using keywords from the original presentation. A totally new presentation would have been:

Over the past 10 years, grownups have been attending an assortment of virtual classes. Learners have seen the advent of this situation as a good fortune for themselves. The problem, is that some pupils still believe that nothing can replace a lecture hall. Both learning styles offer positives and negatives for students. Let us have a look at one of each discussion point.

While your grammar is not perfect, there is a sense of simple clarity and cohesion in your reasoning presentations. You did a good job discussing the talking points. I guess the earlier errors were caused by your lack of English vocabulary and understanding. Brush up on your vocabulary. Always make sure to use the right descriptive term or you could lose LR points in the actual test.

Scholarship / AAS - Gifted Education. Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? [3]

Reverse the presentation of your first paragraph. Make the last sentence your opening sentence instead. It creates more of an effective hook than simply opening with researched information. While the research is relevant to your application information, the reviewer just won't be interested in numerical statistics until it becomes necessary for him to do so.

The reason why you chose the university is just a run-down of topics from the syllabus. The reviewer would care less about that. You may want to think more about your educational aspirations and what programs the university offers that can help you achieve it. For example, discuss that one reason you chose the university was the author of the book who teaches there. What is the relationship of your learning goals to the professor, the book, and the class being taught at the university? What is the professional application of that exposure?

You need to beef up the organization presentation. It is too shallow to make a difference in your application. Try to explain further. Does it have a network that you can use to develop some program upon your return to your home country? How will your exposure to that organization help your academic plans and professional aspirations? Develop a stronger reason to be interested in joining that group.

The essay has potential, it just misses the mark on several levels at the moment. A revised essay should fix those problem points though.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Should museum ask for entrance fee? [2]

Never use words of uncertainty in a Task 2 test. The essay is calling for a precise description of your opinion on the topic. A precise opinion is what will bring clarity and coherence to your discussion. You cannot be on the fence about the discussion. Make a decision and stick to it. Support your decision in the reasoning paragraphs. Don't try to stay in the middle aisle. You have to be clear from the get go. Do you suppose or are you certain? Make a decision and clearly state it in the response to the question. Assumptions and suppositions have no place in this task discussion.

Use the 2 reasoning paragraphs to support only one side. Do not do a comparison essay where it is not indicated that you have to do so. Remember, you are scored on the cohesiveness of your presentation. Therefore, the 2 reasoning paragraphs need to be connected to your original opinion. It cannot be cohesive if it tries to represent 2 different discussion points. It can be coherent, if you clearly explain yourself in the paragraphs, but definitely not cohesive because the relationship between the two discussion points are on opposite ends. The discussion has to take only one side of the discussion and stick to it with a clear, strong, and valid supporting argument.

You cannot say "I supposed" somewhere at the start then say "I am convinced" at the end of the same paragraph. That creates a lack of clarity in your discussion and strength of your opinions. You changed direction mid-discussion. Also, do not start a reasoning countdown (firstly), then not go on with it. There is never a reason to count down in your presentation. Only reasons are important and the explanation, even more important.

"In conclusion" is a memorized phrase. Try to change it. You need to show the examiner that you have a varied vocabulary that can help you summarize the discussion points. You could say "To wrap up the discussion", "All things considered", "The justification of the discussion is", or other similar concluding kick-off phrases.

Writing Feedback / Advantages of living in a large city - quality of life? [3]

Hmmm... Are you writing this essay in response to a Task 2 IELTS test? Or are you just writing an English exercise based on word familiarization? I am currently uncertain as to how to approach the review of your work because of the confusion as to the purpose of your writing. Kindly refer us to the original prompt next time and identify if this is for an English test so that the proper approach to reviewing your work can be done.

If you are writing a Task 2 essay, you do not need to use researched information such as the number of people per square mile in a mega-city. Nor do you need to pose a question at the end of the paraphrase. You just need to restate the topic and the discussion instruction. However, if you are writing an English exercise, then, good work on producing relevant researched information.

A research paper should be over 250 words. A Task 2 essay, needs to be between 275-290 words for maximum scoring potential. 250 is the bare word minimum. Adjust your presentation accordingly, depending upon which type of essay you are trying to present.

Be careful of your spelling. The word is spelled "passion" not "pasion". When referring to a daily activity, use the description "every day", 2 words, not one. You cannot use ellipses after a comma. You must use only one applicable punctuation mark at a time. In academic writing, students are advised not to use ellipses. These are more often used to connote emotions in creative writing instead.

Contractions are a big no-no in both academic and Task 2 writing styles. You know what I mean, don't = do not. Use formal English references at all times in a show of respect to your reader. Hence, hang out = spend time There are actually more errors to point out but I am already running too long with this piece of advice so I have to cut myself off here. I hope you can appreciate that advice I have given you. I look forward to reading your next paper, this time with the proper identification and/or prompt requirements for a more proper review.

Writing Feedback / Students should study whatever they like or only allowed to study subjects that will be useful [2]

This is a comparative discussion with a personal opinion essay. The one thing this is not is a personal opinion alone essay. Since you have already made that discussion topic mistake, your essay will receive points deductions for being only partially responsive to the prompt. It will receive additional points deductions for being under the minimum word count (223 out of 250 words) and, will also receive appropriate word count deductions representative of the missing discussion requirements. Based on these problems with the task presentation alone, it will be safe to say that this is not a 5 band score essay. You need to make sure that you meet the minimum word count and also, discuss the essay in the required format. The format for the discussion is always indicated after the discussion question is posed in this presentation, the discussion format was:

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It will be in your best interest to read the other sample essays here first. Familiarize yourself with the various discussion formats for the Task 2 essay. Make sure you understand how the presentation format is expected be represented in your paper. Make sure you understand the different types of discussion formats before you write another practice test.

Writing Feedback / The beneficial elements and the drawbacks of advertisements [2]

The discussion approach for this essay is a single opinion based defense of your opinion. That means, you respond to the question by choosing one opinion to defend. You do not need to compare the pros and cons because the essay is asking you to make a specific decision. Either you view this as a positive OR negative development. You cannot view it as both. Since you are not being asked to do a comparison discussion, a clear stand on the given topic must be made. Otherwise, you will score no higher than a 2 in the TA section based on not having a clear opinion on the topic. As such, you will pull down your overall scoring potential. It isn't wise to change the discussion parameters by doing a comparative discussion when the instructions clearly state that you must pick one side only to present as your discussion basis in the 2 reasoning paragraphs of your opinion essay.

Writing Feedback / Government should protect environment and provide education / health care [3]

This writing is a combination of 2 different Task 2 essay topics. As such, it will be difficult to review it for proper discussion approach and paragraph content. So I will do as you asked and simply limit my review to your grammar issues. Next time, please provide the original prompt along with your discussion for a more accurate review of your work.

For a task 2 essay, you should be writing only 275-290 words. That is the ideal number of words to write within 40 minutes. Any more than that and you are risking one of two things: (1) not finishing the essay on time and scoring low because of it or , (2) not being able to review, revise, and edit the essay for a higher possible overall score. Either way would mean a bad result for your final score.

Remember that your paragraphs will be considered incomplete and representing a run-on sentence, not a complex sentence, when you have less than 3 sentences presented. In this case, your opening paraphrase is a run-on sentence. Based on what you wrote, it would have easily met the 3 sentence requirement for simple and complex sentences if you had only separated the presentations into single sentences instead of one long sentence. Upon further review, your presentation did not improve throughout the essay, the same mistake exists in every "paragraph" presentation.

You have punctuation errors in the presentation as well. Do not place a period within the middle of a sentence. A period indicates the end of a sentence and the start of another one. The word after a period is always capitalized. You made that error in this essay at least twice.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the benefits of completing university course for guarantee to get a good job [2]

Do you actually think that you can write 434 words during the actual test? Did you even bother to set the timer when you started this practice test to make sure you could write a proper essay with proof reading, editing, and content finalization within 40 minutes? Or, did you just decide to keep writing, not considering the required writing parameters for this essay? You were given information about the time limit for a reason, you were given a reasoning paragraph discussion outline for a purpose, both of which you disregarded in relation to this essay presentation.

You did not discuss the essay in the required format for the reasoning paragraphs:
- Need college to get a good job
- Don't need college to get a good job
- Personal opinion

I know, you will say, "I did just that!" and, I will not contradict you. However, you did just that, based on your personal opinion, rather than a public point of view comparison discussion. Why did you end up making that mistake? Well, when you decided that you would present a personal opinion as the last sentence in the paraphrase paragraph, which is a no-no, you forced yourself to make that error in the discussion format. So what format should the discussion have been in? Definitely not a numerical paragraph listing. It should have used POV reference words as topic sentence openers in the paragraphs. That means the discussion format should have been:

Based on an analysis of the reasons why people support the discussion that a college degree will result in a good job for the graduate, it appears that...Traditionally...

However, there are non-college graduates who have been successful in getting jobs based on their own merits or skills. People such as ... are not college graduates and yet... That is why they advocate...

Comparing both the aforementioned reasons, I have been led to support the point of view that... From my personal observations...

Remember, you cannot present a point of view at the start since you have not done a comparison discussion of the two public points of view yet. The formula for this writing is:

POV 1 + POV2 = Analysis of the discussion topic
Analysis + Personal knowledge = Personal opinion

Scholarship / Irish education and Vietnamese students - Master studies [2]

You do not accurately portray responses to either questions in your essay. A long term interest in Ireland would be something along the lines of you not wanting to immediately go back to Vietnam after graduating in Ireland. Maybe work for a specific marketing company in Ireland. A high profile, international company that probably has some sort of representation in Vietnam. That way, after say 2 years of working for the company in Ireland, you can go back to Vietnam, seek employment at the same company through a country transfer, and continue to promote the Irish way of marketing in Vietnam. This is just a suggestion. You should have a more concrete idea in mind based on my imaginative suggestion.

Once you create the connected link between the time you will spend post studies in Ireland to the activities you will do to promote Ireland and GOI-ES in Vietnam, you should have a better developed explanation in relation to the prompt requirements. Right now, you are providing non-specific, non-answers to both questions. You need to think deeper and analyze exactly how your career will be helped by the scholarship and studies in Ireland. Only then will be you able to use specifics to develop a proper response to the discussion topics.

Letters / Motivation letter-fellowship Postdoctoral position [4]

You have spoken of what you hope to gain throughout the letter. This created a one sided presentation. You speak only of yourself. You do not speak of what you can contribute to the postdoctoral position as a researcher. You do not make any clear reference to whatever academic contribution you can make towards the possible education of your students. You have only spoken of what you can gain, there is no give and take in the discussion. Try to balance the letter between you and the program. Just like with all postdoctoral positions, this is only a temporary placement. As a research assistant, how does your own research tie in with the professor you will be assisting ? You have to show that your learning process is not yet complete, and you have something more to learn from the professor whom you will be working alongside with.

You are casting a very wide net with your ambitions and desires as a postdoctoral researcher. You need to narrow it down to a research topic that you can specifically complete within the given time frame. This is not a permanent position. This is a temporary assignment. Yet the way you discuss things, it would appear that you are going to be taking on a main researcher role, which I do not believe to be the case. Adjust the content accordingly. You need to show how your work combines with the existing program of research at the institute. Right now, it appears that you will be doing independent research instead of collaborative work. You only focus on the demands you have for the program, you do not share how you can improve the existing program. The essay needs to be totally rewritten in my opinion. Just to make sure you properly share information that could help make you appear as a strong candidate for the position.

Scholarship / Environmental Engineering - Personal Statement For Chinese Government Scholarship [2]

The personal statement should show how you developed a personal and professional interest in a graduate degree in environmental engineering. With that focus in mind, I would have to say that you proposed too much information in this essay to the point where it became a statement of purpose rather than a personal statement. However, that is not to say that there are no elements in this presentation that cannot be used for a personal statement. In actuality, there are several portions of this essay that can be picked out, spliced together, and refined to create your personal statement. I urge you to use the following portions instead:

- My childhood experience ...effects of global warming.
- Sadly however, humanity will ...on natural resources.

Now based on these paragraphs, you should be able to better focus your discussion regarding the academic and professional considerations that led you to choose this masters course (in relation to your potential career advantages and growth), and the academic institution in China ( in relation to your academic objectives and professional applications of your theoretical and practical studies). Complete the inclusion of these information and you should find that you have created a relevant and informative personal statement for the reviewer's consideration with your other application documents.

Research Papers / Research Paper Draft Review on Dissection into the Life of the Intersex, (Hermaphrodite) Gender. [3]

The essay is heavy on quotations and citations. A professor may read this paper and believe that you did not really apply actual research and understanding, or personal opinion to the writing and grade the paper in the lower scoring bracket. You have to work on reducing the citations per paragraph. It doesn't help the paper when you are too reliant on research materials, without offering a personal point of view within the paragraph.

You should also work more on the opening presentation. Since that is the thesis statement presentation paragraph, inclusive of the outline of the discussion, it should not open with an in-text citation. Try to focus on the history or hermaphrodite first. Introduce the history of the discussion, the early solutions, and the current stigma that relates to this sexual gender problem. That would need to be a new paragraph above your existing one. The current opening paragraph can be turned into the second paragraph instead.

After you reduce the citations in the essay, you should have a more insightful presentation. Right now, the presentation is too derivative. It lacks a personal understanding and insight into the given topic. You need to give it a more personal touch. Avoid sounding mechanical, as the essay sounds now.

Undergraduate / Statement of purpose AMA+ K'art, Screenwriting [3]

This is a very interesting take on a statement of purpose. Unfortunately, the creative presentation that you used is wasted on the target of the essay, which is a personal point of view in relation to the your purpose for studies. The reviewer requires the student to show the maximum drive and ambition that drives the purpose of your studies from the career level. The statement of purpose, as far as I can tell, and not knowing the prompt discussion guidelines seems to be over informative. You actually combined the personal statement and statement of purpose in one presentation. As far as I know, a statement of purpose does not include a backgrounder of this magnitude.

I would advise you to revise the essay by using the first person point of view in the presentation. That way you can truly attach yourself to the discussion. Don't be an outsider looking in when presenting the information. The essay actually lost the sense of emotion, importance, and relevance because of the detached method of presentation. Though interesting to read, it doesn't allow the reviewer to connect with you on a personal level. Since this is a written interview, the sense of honesty, relevance, and a connection with the reviewer is imperative for the consideration of your purpose.

Don't be too creative in your presentation. Be straightforward. The reviewer will have to read at least 50 applications in one day. He normally allots about 5 minutes per essay. It has to be easy to scan for relevant information. He will only pick out the highlights in your presentation to take note of in comparison to other applicant essays. In this case, it is extremely difficult to do that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: encouraging businesses to relocate from metropolitans to regional areas. [3]

This is not a comparison essay. The question demands that you pick one side to advocate for in the essay. You cannot use a middle ground opinion because this is not a contrast essay topic. Therefore, the 2 reasoning paragraphs should only be used to strengthen the discussion you are presenting. The side that you support must win by using the following format:

- Topic sentence must indicate the adverse reason as a topic sentence. The remaining 4 sentences should disprove that claim using a reason, a supporting example, and a supporting reason for the examples. Use a transition sentence that will relate this present reason with the next discussion paragraph.

- Another adverse reason. Same thing, disprove this idea based on the side you support. Same sentence indicators apply.

The strength of the essay discussion, the relevance of the discussion, the coherence of the paragraphs, will all come from the way that you discuss your point of view in a manner that weakens the opposition. You cannot create a strong point of view in relation to the Task Accuracy requirements if you do not pick a side to discuss and support as per the original prompt talking points instructions. Once you discuss the essay properly, all of the other scoring requirements will have a boost in scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / Should we apply new ways of finding the compatible person for a job, in lieu of interviews [3]

I am not sure if this was written as a Task 2 practice essay or as a simple English writing exercise with a definitive topic. Please remember to inform us about the type of task and provide the prompt for the discussion next time. It will help us give you a more directed review of your work and more relevant advice regarding points for improvement in your writing style and presentation. Thanks.

What I do know is that I will be giving you a general grammar review based on the UK style of English writing. I believe that the UK is your target academic region right? So the advice given needs to be directed towards their grammar requirements and rules. Make sure that you familiarize yourself with the UK method of spelling which is different from the American English version. Normally, they are heavy on adding the letter U to their spelling of words such as favour, Also, Vietnam is spelled internationally as one word, nam is not capitalized. I am not sure why you capitalized it in your presentation.

There are subject verb disagreements in the essay such as when using the plural form of a word. When you say "interviewers", that is the plural form of the word "interviewer". So the it should be "are" instead of "is". You need to learn to use the proper verb form of words. Use the time reference consideration when needed. people "lose" their confidence, not lost. Remember the action is ongoing. Also, it is "apparent", not "apparently". Learn the specifics of homophones, these are words that sound alike but are spelled differently. An example of this error in your essay is "There" when you meant to say "their".

When writing a list of successive related words, always use the Oxford comma. This is a common mistake made by most beginner writers. It is something learned over time, with familiarity and by reading the writing styles of others. It is a punctuation mark that is often used in writing and is often the method by which a score increases of decreases in an English test.

Writing Feedback / Satisfaction of a job plays a critical role in deciding one's overall happiness [3]

Test takers often forget that there are some basic rules to follow when writing the task 2 essay:

- You only have 40 minutes to complete your writing so aim for 275-290 words
- You are scored on the clarity and connection of your explanations, not the number of reasons you provide in a paragraph. Each topic paragraph needs to cohesively transition to the next paragraph.

- You need to write a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph focused on a single topic sentence each.
- Unless otherwise specified, all essays are 4 paragraphs long (paraphrase, 2 reasons, reverse paraphrase)

You forgot all of these elements in your presentation. You overwrote (275-290 words maximum), did not proofread (Several spelling errors abound), and barely developed clear discussions, examples, and presentations for your paragraphs (clarity and conciseness situations are clear in the essay). Never, under any circumstance, discuss 3 topics in one paragraph. That creates an incoherent explanation and a non-cohesive discussion presentation. Explain the reason, don't just enumerate it. That is how you lose overall scoring considerations.

Your reasoning paragraph should have been composed of 2 paragraphs alone. You should have picked 2 reasons that somehow relate to one another so that you could have properly transitioned from one topic to the next, creating a cohesive and coherent discussion presentation in the process. Right now, your second paragraph is just a big mess that does not help to increase your scoring consideration because none of the discussion ideas presented are justifiably explained.

Your introduction is using a measured sense of time in the life of a person. Since no such reference was made in the original prompt, you should not have done that. However, you did good work in outlining the discussion reasons. Word to the wise though, always write 3 sentences at the least. That is the minimum sentence requirement for the presentation to be considered a complete paragraph. The same goes for your reverse paraphrase. It should have 3 sentences representing the original prompt, your reasons, your basic explanation, and the closing sentence / solution.

Essays / A motivational statement (300 words) outlining their suitability to be considered for a scholarship [3]

We can't advise you on how to write the paper. We can only advise you as to how to improve the paper. That means, you need to write the paper first. So you have to at least work on a draft version of the motivational statement, based on the given discussion requirements by the scholarship committee, and post the draft here for comments. We have no idea what the discussion parameters are, what your qualifications are, and why you were motivated to apply for the course and the scholarship. Those are information only you can provide. A contributor, in particular, can only step in with advice regarding the weak points, points for improvement, and strong points that need further enhancing once I read your draft and you provide me with the discussion instructions for the essay. Until you do that, nobody here can help you.

Writing Feedback / Coffee and banana sales - IELTS Cambridge 10 test 2 task 1 by Amy [4]

Well, the good news is that you could probably achieve a 4.5 band score for this essay. The main problem with your presentation is that you are focused on simply delivering the information without the proper formatting of the sentences. There isn't enough of a mix of simple and complex sentences in your presentation for the GRA to propel your score to the 5 band. Your sentences are mostly run-on sentences which make it difficult for the reader to keep track of the information. Please remember that separate sentences with connected information will result in clearer presentations and better C&C scores. Long sentences composed of several information chains tend to create a difficulty for the reader when it comes to keeping track of the discussion.

Since the items are separated in the chart, you should not be counting out the information per paragraph. Simply state the comparison points and differences in 2 separate paragraphs. Since you have 5 sentences per paragraph, each paragraph should be composed of:

- Coffee information
- explanation
- transition sentence to banana
- comparison point or related information
- transition to the next paragraph information

Such a presentation should help you achieve a 5 band score in the future.

Writing Feedback / The production level of main fuels in a European country [2]

Since you did not post the image that goes with this data report, your essay cannot be reviewed for information accuracy. Only a general statement or review, based on the current writing can be completed.

(WARNING! STUDENTS / USERS CANNOT POST IMAGES OMITTED IN THE ORIGINAL UPLOAD OF THE OP! DO SO AT YOUR OWN RISK!)

I am sure that the original image indicated what specific last 2 decades of the 20th century the measurements were based on. You should have indicated it so that the reader, who does not have a copy of the image will be well informed as to the basis of the information you will be presenting. The summary overview needs to be better completed. It lacks overall general information about the image.

You have not written enough words to achieve a moderately better scoring potential. You should aim to write 175-190 words for this task. That will show that you have properly analyzed the information and also done comparison discussions as applicable to the essay. With this type of word count, it may be possible that you will fall short of the 5 band score minimum.

Writing Feedback / Being right or being kind, which is more important to you? [3]

If you want this essay to be more effective, do not start with the reference to Dead Poet's Society. Instead, start with a quote from the book that you read. Based upon the quote that you chose, try to find a common example that you can use. One that is kind of a double edged sword. When being kind might force the person to be wrong. Or when being right may result in a person being mean. Or any scenario that may result thereof. That way, you better illustrate the theme and meaning of the book. Your current presentation is so far removed from the book reference that when you finally got around to the book part, you had already come to the end of the essay, without further room to explain the book, its relevance to the theme you chose to discuss, and how the presentation of the novel affected your perception of which is more important to you, being right, or being kind. Try to bring the discussion presentation full circle. That means, start with a reference to the book, discuss the book in the essay, then discuss how the book affected your decision in the end. A full circle discussion regarding the themes and merit of information coming from the book. That would then be a more relevant and insightful essay to read about.

Writing Feedback / IELTS1: the percentage change in house price in five different urban areas in different countries [3]

Your time frame reference is incorrect as per chart representations. The chart indicates that measurements started in 1989, you claim it started in 1190. That made your overview summary inaccurate and as such, it improperly informs the reader. Your data is no longer accurate so your TA score will be affected. The overview summary should have included the names of the 5 countries included in the list as part of the reference material. It helps the reader to know what to expect from the discussion and what the reference points will be throughout the data paragraphs.

Try to use less commonly used words in your presentation. Saying "... in the previous period" is already commonplace in these essays. Change it up to help increase your LR and GRA scores. You could say something like "in the earlier period" to show a more advanced sentence structure. Basically, the most score affecting mistake I have seen in your work is your lack of editing skills in terms of your content. Always double check your written information for accuracy. Make sure it is always the same as the information in the chart. Otherwise, you lose the accuracy of the presented information.