Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 1: spending on three different telephone services in the USA [2]

You forgot to include the inclusive years of the graph, in the overview summary. This means that your summary overview is incomplete and the reader will have difficulty following your presentation.

There is also a false assumption on your part, which led to an error in your data presentation. If you study the actual graph, there is no country indicated. Therefore, saying that the information is based on USA records and sources is incorrect. When no country is indicated, you do not need to indicate one in your report. A general reference can be made instead. You cannot assume that the dollar value automatically represents the United States as there are other dollar values such as the Canadian dollar, Hong Kong dollar, etc. It is best to stay vague when referencing these data since it could create an error in your reporting. Simply saying "undisclosed country" would have been more helpful to your score.

While your essay contains most of the information from the chart, you failed to represent the overlapping information twice in the discussion. This occurred for the years 2002 and 2006. A quick glance at the chart highlighted that information. So it should have been presented in the essay as equal spending for the given overlapping sectors.

Basically, you could have done more comparative discussions in the essay as the lines overlap and slightly overtake each other during certain year presentations. While this presentation is acceptable and will receive an acceptable score, you could have done more to get a higher than average score.

Writing Feedback / Truth in relationship between people [4]

While there are some incorrect vocabulary uses in the essay, this did not diminish the clarity of the written presentation. Your stance as to why honesty is important in a relationship is very clear. Though there are grammar issues in the presentation, you still managed to remain coherent and cohesive in terms of your discussion. However, you need to learn when to place a break in a paragraph to create a new but connected paragraph. This was the situation for your second paragraph.

The example discussion should have been presented as a separate paragraph since it was discussing an example of the importance of honesty in a relationship. The paragraph, in the current form is difficult to read and track on the page. By separating the topic discussions into 2 paragraphs, the ease of reading could have been helped.

Errors in spelling tend to make the reader question what you mean. For example, did you mean to use the term "gail" which is not a real word, instead of "jail"? Gail is actually the name of a woman, not a reference to a place. Grammar errors include the failure to use a comma after a conjunction, using the plural form of the word side (sides),

Writing Feedback / Life is better today than it was 100 years ago. Do you agree? [3]

This essay cannot be properly reviewed based on the scoring rubic criteria due to lack of word count. The essay does not meet the minimum 250 word requirement. Due to the missing word count, deductions will be applied in a manner that can affect the overall scoring consideration. The opening paraphrase and the concluding paraphrase are incomplete. These do not fully reflect the discussion requirements.

It is better if you do not use a counting system to represent your discussion. Using a clear topic sentence at the start of every paragraph would better assist your C&C score since you will immediately start with a clear topic reference in each body paragraph.

Please remember that there is a minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. When you have only 2 sentences, you fall under the required paragraph number and will get a lower score in terms of GRA considerations.

Overall, while the essay has an acceptable discussion, the existing forced errors, based on the rubic, will bring the score of this essay to less than a 5. Maybe a 4 or 4.5. You are close to getting a passing score. You just need to work a little harder to provide an improved discussion presentation in your next practice exercise.

Writing Feedback / Most people are not as fit and active, as they were in the past. Problems and solution [3]

Your prompt paraphrase is incomplete and lacking one sentence to complete a paragraph. You have not indicated the discussion requirement in your prompt paraphrase, which was supposed to represent the transition sentence for your discussion paragraphs. I wish you had tried to write at least 300 words for this essay. You actually did a good job in representing the prompt requirements with one exception. There was a lack of transition sentences within the paragraph presentations that would have shown the connection between reason 1 and reason 2. Since the 2 reasons are mentioned in one paragraph, there must be a connecting sentence that will highlight how the busy lifestyle of people leads to eating junk food, which in turn, result in the people not being fit and active. You could have said something like:

The people today are busy doing their jobs which keep them behind a desk for most of the day. The work requirements also lead them to choose fast food over fresh food. The combination of these 2 factors have prevented people from having time to exercise. The lack of time to get to the gym to exercise or to cook fresh food has resulted in their inactivity and lack of fitness. That said, there are some possible solutions to these problems.

While you show that you somehow understood the prompt and did your best to address the instructions, the lack of clarity and sentence development (via explanations) are what hindered this essay. Please try to explain yourself better next time. You don't need to use advanced English words. You can use simple vocabulary and still manage to get a better overall score due to the clarity of your explanations.

Scholarship / "Positivity is second to none" - NTU Scholarship essay [3]

I wonder if you will warmly accept an opinion that says your essay does not respond to the prompt? I ask because that is my opinion of your writing based upon the prompt requirements. You created and essay of self reflection and observation. A character study of yourself, to put it simply. The essay does not showcase any belief or value system that you value. Rather, it gives a character description of who you believe you are.

A belief system is defined as "... is the set of beliefs that they have about what is right and wrong and what is true and false. " This is different from a value system which depicts;" ... a set of principles or ideals that drive and/or guide your behavior." In other words, the belief and value systems are descriptions that highlight why you believe you are a good person. Examples of values you can discuss include : Trustworthiness, Self-Respect, Responsibility,Religion, Optimism, Loyalty, and Hard - work. Your essay, based on the definition of each word and examples of descriptive words does not apply itself to the expected response.

It would be best if you tried to write an essay that better reflects and actual belief or value system. The one you have right now is more of a self-analysis, which doesn't really apply to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 1: the hours per week that teenagers spend doing certain activities in Chester [3]

You forgot to indicate that this is a color coded bar chart and that the comparisons were to be done per activity, based on the year indicated in the graph for the activity. That is a slight oversight that could have made the data presentation more precise and actually could have helped you present a clearer comparison for the reader and increased the TA score for your work. Good work with the analysis just the same though.

I believe that you went overtime with the writing of this analysis essay. You wrote over 200 words. Since you only have 20 minutes to complete this task, the most you could have written, while allowing time for review and editing, would have been between 175-200 words. Please make sure to time yourself during the practice runs. Make sure that you leave at least 3-5 minutes for the review and editing of your work. It is important that you review and edit so that you can correct any errors that could affect your final score in an overall capacity. Why am I asking you to do that?

Well, in this essay, you used several run-on sentences, which would have dramatically decreased your GRA and C&C score. The length of the sentence will not improve your score if it leaves the examiner confused about the information being presented. You need to be clear in your data presentation and the best way to do that is to make sure you have only one topic per sentence and one explanation per sentence. Don't try to do too much in every sentence. Keep it simple, your score will be better for it.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 - number of graduates of different gender in Canada [4]

You should learn to identify the different types of illustrations used in a Task 1 essay so that you can properly identify the type of image provided. This is not just a diagram. This is a line graph with fluctuating measures. The rest of your errors in the essay will not matter though. You failed to write the minimum 150 word requirement. You only wrote 143 words. Which means points deductions will be made for the lacking word presentation. That means your errors will all add up to produce a less than 5 band score for your essay. This is not a passing essay due to lack of proper analysis development. You should have done 3 paragraphs in this essay that covered the following:

- Summary overview with trending statement
- Comparison of male graduates over the years
- Comparison of female graduates over the years

Do not automatically assume that you have to do a comparison discussion in the paragraphs. Sometimes, as in this case, simply stating the facts and doing comparisons based on groupings tends to be the best and most comprehensive essay presentation. You should only do comparison data presentations when there are cross-over points in the data indicated.

Letters / Email to Penpal Friend form Singapore about the studying of English [3]

There is a clear problem with your understanding of homonyms and how to use them in the essay. Homonyms are words that sound alike bu thave different spelling and meaning. In this case, you said you would attend English lessons "3 sessions a weak". "Weak" implies a lack of strength. You meant to say "week" which indicates the successive number of times, over 7 days that you will be doing an activity. Please do more English reading exercises, make sure to look up the meaning of words, and remember the meaning and word usage. Pay particular attention to possible homonyms you might come across.

Let's also consider your word usage. There is a difference between "especially" and "specially". Especially means, "exceptional, noteworthy, or particular.". While "specially" connotes , "particular, distinguished in a distinct way, or designed for a particular purpose.". Based on your word usage, you wanted to use the adjective "specially". Not the adverb "Especially". These are word usage lessons that you should come across as you continue to build your vocabulary through the use of English reading materials. It would help if you can read the dictionary before using a word during your practice sessions, just so you will be informed as to how to properly use the term in a sentence.

Your last sentence is incoherent. It does not make any sense. Perhaps you meant to say; "I believe that practice makes perfect. So I will do my best to practice my English skills on my own." ? By the way, you forgot to use a period at the end of that sentence. Also, you should say "Best regards" not "Best regard". It's all a matter of word usage and proper understanding of the meaning of the word you want to use. That is your weakest point at the moment. You cannot advance in vocabulary and structure overnight. That is something that happens with constant repetition and practice.

As a student, you need to be patient and just keep on reading and writing in English to better understand how the sentences are formed. If possible, watch more English subtitled films to get a better idea of the English sentence structure, equivalent English word (from the vernacular), and proper meaning of the English words.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 - Education - Higher Education - Both Views [4]

The essay has a problem with clarity. I think that stems from your literally translating your thoughts from your native tongue to English. Doing so limits the clarity of your message because the sentence formation in your language and the way the sentence is presented in English are two different presentations. These presentations cannot be translated word for word because the native tongue equivalent may not have the same meaning or it could lack meaning when written in the same manner, in English. This is the case with most of your sentence presentations such as:

...getting a job as soon as students finish school would be outweighed.
- I am not sure outweighed is the right term to use here. Maybe "more beneficial" would have brought more clarity to the sentence.

Paragraph 2 is highly confusing because you are talking about how people who hold degrees get better paying jobs, but then suddenly jump to skilled workers and manual labor. You are presenting 2 different lines of discussion, without actually creating a proper connection between the two in the paragraph. This created an incoherent paragraph for the reader. Always focus on one topic, one explanation, one development throughout the paragraph to create clarity and cohesiveness in the discussion presentation.

The third paragraph is just as confusing in meaning and presentation. The same problems exist throughout your essay. Though you did show an effort to write proper reasons and explanations, it is lack of proper sentence structure and vocabulary usage that prevented the presentations from being appreciated by the reader. You need to practice thinking in English, along with writing in English. You cannot think in your native tongue then write in English. The paragraphs will always suffer from a lack of clarity in that case.

The personal opinion is not presented as the conclusion of the essay. That should have been presented as the 4th paragraph. Fully developed and explained. You ended the essay on an open, rather than concluded discussion in this case.

There is a lack of point of view references in the essay as well. You must learn to refer to each opinion as you discuss it, from the beginning of the sentence so that the reader knows that you are not yet offering your personal point of view and whose point of view you are discussing. You could have said:

People who see the benefits of a college degree...

However, the people who completed vocational school

or

The supporters of the non-college graduate school of thought believe that...

I believe you need to work harder on the clarity of your presentations and proper vocabulary use. More writing exercises will be required for your to learn to stop transliterating your sentences. You can do that by more English sentence writing exercises. It's easy to find those exercises online and through the app stores.

Scholarship / Tell us about a concept, theory, or topic you have explored. Questbridge Prompt (200 words) [2]

Your response lacks a key element in your presentation. How do you plan to further pursue this concept, theory, or topic? You said you don't want to find out the answers yet. Therefore, your response is counter to the instructions given. You portray yourself as already having the answer and therefore, without a need to further pursue information regarding the topic. Why don't you try to write about this from a different angle? Instead of talking about yourself, do as the instructions asks and develop a theory, idea, or concept based on what the summer program is all about? What is the main topic or objective of the summer program? How does that relate to your interests? What is it about this topic that has intrigued you the most? Once you figure out your responses to those questions, you should be able to figure out how you will further chase after information regarding it. This is all about the learning experience, it is not about pretending that you already know who you are and therefore, do not require additional information about it anymore. You took your response down the wrong path. Remember, if you do not have the response to any question, you cannot say that you have come to a conclusion. You cannot arrive at a conclusion without a theory, observation, investigation, data analysis, and result. It is because of this concept that I do not believe you have properly responded to the prompt.

Undergraduate / The Disciples of Christ Church - Chapman Personal TRANSFER essay [2]

I believe that you misunderstood the instruction for the discussion. It is not asking you for your path throughout high school. The essay prompt assumes that you are a transfer student who has been enrolled in a previous academic institution and that you will be transferring from there. So the focus of your response should not be from high school, nor from a personal aspect. Instead, you should be discussing your academic path from the start of your attendance at your current university. Based on that path, you are required to explain why you feel you can no longer proceed along that learning road. Sometimes, students outgrow their academic interests in their first 2 years of college. Think about that. Do you think you have outgrown this particular line of learning? If so, why? If you are changing universities based on academic goals, then explain why your goals changed over time and why the university can help you achieve your new learning objectives.

Personally, I believe that you should omit the first 2 paragraphs of this essay. You will do well to immediately open the discussion with the reference to your time at your current university. That way the presentation has a specific focus and the reviewer can get to your explanation as soon as he starts reading the response. Paragraph 4 doesn't work either. It sounds more like you are lecturing the reviewer instead of explaining why you chose the university instead. Paragraph 5 does that for you wonderfully.

With regards to the faith based discussion in the essay. Try to use a more contemplative approach instead of explaining what the church is all about and how the place of worship works. Think instead about how the spiritual guidance of having such a diverse church to attend will help you grow as an individual. Make sure to highlight how the church activities can help you not only adjust to the student community, but also allow you to learn about the world, from a religious point of view. After all, the church sounds non-denominational in your description.

The essay surely needs adjustments to help you better explain yourself based on the prompt instructions. This is a good draft because it has provided you with clear ideas as to how to revise the current content. I know you can do this.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: High consumption of soft beverages - reasons and solutions [3]

Woah! 375 words??? You would be writing well over the 40 minute allotment for this task with this type of presentation. Did you remember to use a timer when you worked on this practice test? Most students forget that they need to time themselves when doing the practice test so that a proper estimation of the number of words you can write within the given time-frame can be made. You are not writing a school essay here. You are writing a language exam essay. That means, you need to leave an allowance for editing time. Always use a timer. You will be thankful you practiced under time pressure when you get to the exam center.

It is best to practice writing short but coherent and concise presentations. Each paragraph is allotted a maximum of 5 sentences, which allows you write up to 300 words for the whole essay. Aim to utilize the full 5 sentence allowance even though the minimum requirement is 3 sentences per paragraph. Don't just keep on writing to make the essay longer. A longer essay never assures the exam taker of a high score. You know what will assure that? A proper representation of every scoring requirement within your presentation.

That, is normally achieved by focusing on the clarity of the presentation instead of the number of words. In your essay, you really wrote a massive number of words, but did not focus on the clarity of the discussion. Which will have a great effect on your overall score. Long sentences also indicate run-on presentations, or the combination of 2 or more ideas on one sentence, which leads to less clarity in your discussion and therefore, a lower C&C and GRA score.

Writing Feedback / The computer provides us with convenience and eliminates manual work [3]

By using a mix of singular and plural ownership pronouns (Me, myself, I, We, Our, for example) you would have boosted your overall score because you would have written a good mix of simple and complex presentations that highlight your ability to use various LR sources and also, prove that you have a good grasp of how to compose an effective English sentence. You could have used singular first person pronouns in the first body paragraph, then plural first person pronouns in the second paragraph to better highlight your grammar range accuracy and abilities.

By the way, your final paragraph is a run-on sentence. Please avoid using long sentences that combine two ideas in one. That affects your GRA score. One idea per sentence please. That helps to increase the C&C scoring consideration for your essay as well. After all, the requirement for the concluding paragraph is a restatement of the discussion you provided in the body of paragraphs along with the topic for discussion and your opinion.

Good work on this essay. You are well on your way to achieving an above average band-score at this rate.

Writing Feedback / Crime in two countries comparison. REVIEW MY IELTS WRITING OF LINE GRAPH [2]

Remember to use a space bar to separate a period at the end of a sentence, before you start the next sentence. This will make it easier for the examiner to read your work.

Your summary / overview paragraph is incomplete. The summary paragraph of this essay should have stated the following:
- Type of graph
- Type of crimes
- Years covered
- measurement representation (millions)
- Obvious trend of the crime rate

Of the aforementioned requirements, you only indicated the type of graph and possible trend. That is why your essay is extremely short. Even though you wrote 155 words, I am afraid that will not be enough to boost your score because you did not use enough words to show that you analyzed the graph in a manner that would have allowed you to write a maximum of 200 words. In effect, you underutilized the information presented. When you do not properly represent the information in the essay in the form of a paragraph analysis, you prevent your essay from achieving its full scoring potential.

Writing Feedback / What are the causes and effects of global warming? Suggest some possible solutions to this problem. [2]

I will assume that this was written as an English writing exercise and that you were allowed to research notes for this essay. Therefore, my concentration for this review will be on the grammar issues of your work. When not indicated, as in this essay, I will assume that American English is the default language and my comments will be based on the grammar rules for that country.

Punctuation wise, I noticed that you failed to use a comma with the conjunction presented in " The poles are melting, sea level is rising and it". There should have been a comma between rising and the next word to indicate a separate idea in the same sentence ( e.g. ... is rising, and it..." )

You also need to be more clear in your sentence presentations. For example:

You: Global warming has become a worldwide controversial phenomenon since 1950
Me: Since the 1950's, Global Warming has risen to become a controversial and worldwide phenomenon.

Don't worry though. You will learn to become more coherent in your sentence presentations over time. Just remember to read more English materials so that you will get a feel of how to better arrange your sentences during your practice essays. I would like to commend you for the simplicity of your presentation. Even though there are some grammatical issues in your presentation, you still managed to make yourself understood. That, is the main point of this exercise. For you to learn how to construct sentences in English that a native speaker can understand.

Writing Feedback / Describe a film/movie you would like to share with your friends [2]

Spoiler Alert! You were being asked to do a movie review, without telling the whole story of the movie. When you describe a movie that you like to your friends, don't delve so much into the story specifics. Talk about the acting, the background, the haunting music that sets up the scenes, never give away the full plot of the story. If you do that, then you won't be enticing your friends to see the movie. Additionally, you won't just be describing the movie, you will be telling the story. Hence the spoiler alert comment at the start.

With regards to your grammar and punctuation, I found several problem points. You are not careful about how you write the words you use. What is "myfndsire"? I believe you meant to say, "my friends"? Review your subject verb agreement rules when it comes to writing sentences. "Sebastian thinks that she just love him " is wrong. "Sebastian thinks she just loveS him" is correct. Also "cannot" is a word that is written as "can't" in short form. However, it would be best for you to avoid using contractions in writing (cannot, did not) so that you can get used to writing in a formal manner at all times.

You wrote well enough in this essay when you consider that you were able to express yourself in a manner that could easily be understood by others. Add to that, the way that you were able to retell the story clearly, even though the language used was not perfect or accurate at certain times. Keep writing. You can only get better from here.

Undergraduate / My reason for choosing the data science and CFM majors at Waterloo University [2]

Try to open the statement with the factual presentation that you were attracted to the Waterloo curriculum and courses because you feel that it will help you become a well educated and trained Financial Data Analyst. The first sentence you are using doesn't really create an interesting opening sentence. It does not ask the reviewer to continue reading what you have to say. However, if you open with the expected end result of your studies, then explain why that will be end result once you complete a degree at Waterloo, the reviewer will be interested to find out why you believe that is so. You can use the following for your revised version:

Completing my studies under the CFM major will help me prepare to become a well versed Financial Data Scientist. At the University of Waterloo, I know that the co-op program, in relation ....

I guess you could use that for starters or as the basis of a revised opening discussion for your statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - adolescents have to take part in campaigns to contribute to the community [2]

As you only wrote 223 words for this essay, it will be futile for me to review your work. You have not met the minimum word count. You are lacking a total of 27 words to reach the minimum word count. This will result in heavy deductions in your TA score, which will prevent you from reaching the 5 mark for the essay. The reason that you did not meet the minimum word requirement is simple, you did not properly paraphrase the essay. Had you properly represented the discussion and instructions in your first paragraph, the rest of your essay, which was not badly written, would have achieved at least a passing score. Next time, try to phrase the paragraph completely. For example, I would have said:

There has been a growing discussion regarding the suggestion that young people should be made to do compulsory work in their district when they are not busy with other things. The reason being that such activities can be a learning lesson for them, as the neighborhood benefits from their participation in improving their collective surroundings. I find myself in disagreement with this point of view.

As you can see, I was able to properly paraphrase the original prompt while using new sets of keywords that would boost my LR and GRA score. Let me get one things straight though, it is not enough to simply keep writing and producing a long essay. You need to make sure that the essay makes sense to the reader and that every word and sentence presented will increase your scoring potential. If you just keep writing to increase the word count, then it might work against your essay.

Your body of paragraphs are very well discussed. It should have helped you with your TA score, had you not written a short essay. By the way, your concluding statement should be composed of at least 3 sentences, producing a reverse paraphrase for the essay. This time, the conclusion should repeat your stance and reasons in the form of a single paragraph that closes the essay discussion.

Graduate / Review My Personal Statement For a Master Degree In Data Science at Columbia University [3]

You need to rearrange the presentation so that it makes more sense in a personal statement.Use the following order for the presentation: Par. 1,2,4,3, 5. Additionally, you also need to consider shortening your paragraphs. The essay itself is too long and wordy. The reviewer may not finish reading the essay because of it. Consider that you can present a personal statement within 500 words, then review your essay and shorten the length based on that word count.

Sometimes, the problem with the essay comes from the clarity of the discussion. This happens when the chronological order of the presentation is incorrect. By rearranging the essay paragraphs, you will be presenting a clearer and more cohesive personal statement. You should also remember that just because you wrote a lot of information in the essay, that does not mean that you wrote relevant information. You may have a case of TMI in the presentation, which led to the extra long presentation and word count. All of which need to be avoided to make sure that your written interview gets the attention it deserves.

The content covers all the required aspects and you have managed to to represent yourself in a strong manner throughout. I would however, like you to remove the part saying, "Please consider my admission". Never beg. Allow your credentials to speak for you. Begging will not get you a slot. Only strong credentials can do that.

Letters / Double Degree in France (Motivation Letter) [3]

Actually, I need to know what the double degree you plan to pursue in France is before I can develop a relevant suggestion for your essay improvement. I am almost 100 percent sure that there are portions of this essay that you can use to better highlight your abilities, experience, and education in relation to the double major courses. Your motivation letter sounds more like you asking a travel agent to create an itinerary for your trip to France. Rather you expressing an academic interest in spending time in the country. The paper should focus more on your academic motivation to study in France in relation to your academic goals and objectives. The exposure immersion part of this essay isn't bad to present. It may even be useful in the presentation. It is the lack of educational discussion that prevents your French origins from being useful in this presentation.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship essay - event that have personal importance. The National Service [2]

It would be better if you presented the experience through a transitional phase outlook on your life. By that, what I mean is, you can explain who you were before your military training, just a short cut complete description within 150 words. Then you can use the remaining 150 words to explain how the events that followed resulted in an ideology altering experience for you. By using the comparison method, you will be able to better show the reviewer how the regimented lifestyle helped you prepare to become a better student and member of society. As of now, you are just telling a story that doesn't really matter to the reader because of the lack of a backstory.

Scholarship / Fulbright essay personal statement - the fight against cyber criminality. [2]

This is not a very strong personal statement for one of the most important scholarships in the world. You have not given any real reasons that would convince the scholarship committee that you have the background, the passion, and appropriate training to become a successful member of the Fulbright scholarship. You have to make a new essay that better reflects the following:

- A highlight on your occupation as a teacher of computer science. Relate that to your interest in cybersecurity. Transition that stronger discussion into your job as an IT technician. Do not mention that it is at a cybercafe. It is not very impressive to mention that when you will be competing with IT experts from major computer companies and corporations on an international basis.

- Present the information about cybercrime in your country not as research material but rather, as a national problem that your government is trying to address. By indicating that you are trying to become a trained professional to help the government combat cybercrime, you will have a stronger personal interest in joining the program.

- Include information regarding possible knowledge exchange between you and other program participants. Explain how you plan to develop a network that should help all of you continue your education, information collaboration, and investigative practices upon your return home. Discuss what expertise you hope to present during the program which might be of interest to the other group members.

- Make sure to indicate that you plan to go back to your home country at the end of the course. Being a US based scholarship, you must present strong evidence that you do not plan to stay in the country longer than your student visa will allow.

Letters / Review my Motivation Letter for Erasmus Mundus Master's In Biomedical Imaging [2]

The letter has committed a major crime. You must never use all caps and parenthesis in your presentation. In a formal essay, all caps are considered disrespectful to the reader and yes, even shouting at times. As for the parenthesis, you keep talking in "aside" when you need to be talking directly to the reviewer. Remove the all caps and all information in parenthesis. Speak respectfully and directly to your interviewer.

The overall essay contains too much information because you accidentally included information for the statement of purpose in this essay. Let me help you out with that by pointing out the relevant paragraphs that should be in the motivational letter: par. 1,2,3, and 5. All the other information does not belong in the motivational letter. You will have to revise the content of those paragraphs to create a better essay though.

For the first paragraph, discuss the illness of your mother as the catalyst that pushed you to learn more about medical hardware. Then explain why her death pushed your desire to learn more about how Europhotonics might have been able to save your mother. Since that time has passed, your focus now is to help others who are suffering from illnesses, through the use of this technology. It would be best if you can combine the information from paragraphs 1,2, and 3 into the new first paragraph.

As for paragraph 5, it needs a slight revision to include a reference to your academic goals as it aligns itself with the 2 year course offering of this university. Bear in mind that the academic vision you have for yourself is part of the motivation for your studies so you have to strengthen that aspect. While you can touch on the social aspect of studying abroad, it should be mentioned as little as possible in relation to your motivation to pursue your academics in that university and location.

You don't need 6 paragraphs for this essay. Anywhere between a 3 - 5 paragraph letter will be fine. 4 paragraphs would be the ideal letter presentation.

Letters / Study Plan - applying for a Canadian study permit - letter of explanation [2]

At this point, since you already have two degrees to speak of, you need to provide a solid career direction upon your return to your home country. The career direction will need to align itself with your additional studies in Canada by highlighting the connection between your previous 2 courses, the Business and Administration - Concentration Steam: HR Management & Organizational Behavior studies you wish to pursue in Canada, and how all 3 aspects interconnect in a manner that would turn you into a world class business manager. For example, you could say that the reason you are garnering business experience is because, upon your return to your home country, you will be taking charge of a family business. Explain what the family business is and how it can benefit from your international business management know-how and experience.

You may also want to consider adding a justification that elaborates upon how this course of study is the logical next step for your education. Consider how it connects to the previous studies you completed. How do these courses connect? What is the final outcome that you hope to gain by the end of the collaborative studies? How does it apply to your job once you return to your home country?

The question isn't so much about why you chose a Canadian university but rather, how the Canadian educational and social experience applies itself to your career goals. Reasons such as networking, enhanced business negotiation skills, and other things that you could learn to perform well at the university would help increase the importance of your study plan. However, the interconnected study plan proposal / explanation only works if you can actually justify it in the letter.

Since you did not include the instructions for writing this essay, I am not so sure that you need to include information about how you will be financially supported in Canada. That is not a normal, nor required part of a study plan. A study plan only focuses on what you want to learn, how you hope to learn it, and how you will be applying it in the workplace. Your essay falls short of that representation so it is difficult for me to say that this study plan is on the right track.

Scholarship / English teacher and determination -PTDF UK scholarship: scholarship with this statement of purpose. [3]

You took so long to get to the point and when you finally got to the point, it was an empty purpose. There is no clear indication in this essay about what you would like to accomplish in the ICT field and why you are of the impression that your previous undergraduate training and familiarity with computer languages has prepared you to succeed as a masters student in this course. The reviewer will not care about the first 3 paragraphs in this essay. The opening paragraph must come from a professional context. What is the professional purpose for your interest in this course? I can sense that it is somewhere in the later part of the essay. It just isn't clear enough. Try to revise the essay to show the following content, in this order:

Par. 1 - Give a background of your current work experience. End with an introduction to the purpose of your studies.
Par. 2 - Develop a deeper discussion regarding the relevance of the purpose, the course, and the future needs of your country in the oil and gas field.

Par. 3 - Give a summary overview of your undergraduate course, thesis (as it relates to your continuing education / graduate studies), academic accomplishments (in relation to the chosen masters course), and an important reference to why you were chosen to be a Chevron scholar.

Par. 4 - How the choice of university addresses your professional needs and will prepare you to better address a specific problem in your line of work.

Par. 5 - Why you believe that all these collective information has made you the perfect candidate for this scholarship. Think of what you have to offer the scholarship that other applicants may not be able to provide. Then highlight that as the reason why you are the best choice for the committee to make. Close the essay after that point is made.

Use the guidelines above to provide a more direct and informative essay. Make sure that your essay will not be over 500 words so that the reviewer will have a better chance of actually reading your application considerations. Don't waste space with reminiscing your past education experiences and influences. Those don't matter to the reviewer. What does matter is your current career path and where you plan to take it in the future with the help of the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2 About Spending money on construction of new transportation or improving old systems [2]

This was never an agree/disagree essay prompt. Why did you discuss it that way? The prompt discussion instruction is clear:

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Therefore, by indicating:I totally agree with these two perspectives. You have changed the full prompt discussion requirements. Which means, you failed to properly address the task. TA score: 1 - Your response did not respond to the task. Again, the task given was:

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

What you gave was a response to an agree/disagree essay. Definitely not what the instruction asked you to do. Therefore, the TA score will be one of the lowest marks possibly given for it.

Your total introduction was wrong. It was not a paraphrase of the original instructions, which is the expectation in the TA section of this essay. A possible proper rephrasing of the given discussion is:

The citizens of several nations believe that a tremendous amount of cash should be set aside for speed railway development to hasten transport between metropolitan areas. This discussion exists even as other citizens of the same states believe that the banknotes should be redirected towards the development of existing social conveyances. I have an opinion about this topic but I would like to compare the two points of view before making my thoughts known.

If you compare what I wrote with the original prompt discussion and instructions, you will see that I managed to cover all the points from the original using a varied degree of vocabulary and sentence presentations. That is what you should aim for in your presentation.

Now, with regards to your reasoning paragraphs, had you used reference phrases to indicate the public POV in the discussion, you would have scored even higher because you would show that you know how to present clear discussions. Reference phrases could range from "The first group supports the use of the money for...." and "However, the other organizations explain that..." Such opening references clearly indicate the public ideas / opinions as per the prompt instructions before representing your own discussion as "These considerations have made me believe that...." By clearly representing each aspect of discussion, you will increase your C&C and GRA scores.

Your concluding paragraph is a continuation of the discussion you had already presented in the paragraphs. You have only 3 body paragraphs for this type of essay. The concluding paragraph should have only presented a short form of the body of paragraphs. As such, further TA deductions will be made.

I am not going to give you a score for this particular essay because you already know that it will fall short of the passing score requirements. I will however, score your next essay, when you have written a more prompt responsive presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1: Gross Domestic Product including IT and Service industries in the UK from 1992 to 2000 [4]

The main problem with this report is that you have not maximized the possibility of garnering the highest possible score per bracket in your presentation. That is because you did not write enough of a mix of complex and simple sentences. In fact, 3 of your paragraph presentations fall under the minimum sentence count of 3 per paragraph. These are the paragraphs where you decided to use run-on sentences instead of full stops (period) to help with your information dissemination.

While the grammar of the essay is obviously that of a beginner English level, you managed to make yourself understood for the most part. Your presentation was helped by the fact that you had to do data analysis and presentation, which prevented you from having to develop more advanced sentences. Although, trying to present advanced sentence presentation skills could have helped your GRA score tremendously. There is also a lack of punctuation use throughout your sentences such as the use of a comma and semicolon in some sections.

Please be careful about your punctuation marks in the essay. You have extra spaces between the last word and period in one paragraph. Additionally, do not use uncertain words such as "approximately" in these presentations where the measurements fall clearly on a number assignment within the graph. Always be clear in your presentations.

Scholarship / Study plan for scholarship undergraduate Program. Business Administration majors [3]

A study plan requires you to present a possible outline of the way that you plan to pursue your academic interests as a student at the university. It is not a personal statement. What you wrote is a grammatically incorrect personal statement. Which requires extensive professional editing. That type of editing cannot be done on the forum.

However, your title for this essay is a Study Plan for Scholarship. Therefore, I will review this as a study plan, which is what you indicated as the type of paper this is in the title. In a study plan, the reviewer would like to know what sort of business interests you have that will help you become a successful graduate of the course. You need to develop a particular focus that could become the topic of your graduation thesis as an undergraduate. For example, as a business major, you could do research into the mismanagement of Indonesian natural resources and how it can become better managed. The focus of the research will be on discovering the foundational basis of Chinese business management and how it can be applied to an Indonesian setting. The study plan should answer the following:

-What the topic of your research will be
- How you plan to conduct the research
- What your possible / expected outcome is
- How the university can help you complete the research
- Why you believe this research is important for the development of this Indonesian sector
- How the research helps to prepare you for a future as a business administration graduate

All of these are the basic questions that should be addressed in the study plan. The one thing a study plan is not is a biographical look at your family background, educational attainment, and opinions. It has a specific objective in mind which is, to inform the reviewer about how you plan to spend your time as a student at the university and what your future plans are in relation to your current academic interests.

Undergraduate / What is your main reason to study media and communication? Bachelor Degree [2]

Okay, The first paragraph is a throw away. That means, all it is doing is taking up space in the statement, without delivering an actual usable, informative, and valid sentiment. The second paragraph is far better in terms of usefulness when it comes to explaining your course choice. If you want to discuss "fake news", then do so from a point of seriousness and applicability to current events and global issues. Never use it in terms of shallow ideas such as being taken in by fake entertainment news. People who deliver entertainment news are called reporters. People who deliver serious news and informative articles are called journalists, which one do you want to be? Anybody can be an entertainment reporter, you don't need to study journalism for that. You just need a camera and a stalker like attitude to follow entertainers. Yes, they are called Papparazi and they do not get any respect in the formal journalism / news world. That is why I want you to remove that reference in this statement.

If you are a person who has an online blog, vlog, or if you have submitted any written or video news of interest, not related to entertainment, then you can consider yourself as having had some sort of amateur experience in journalism. You may refer to those as your "experience" in the "field". Based on these suggestions, you may enhance the second paragraph to become the sole response to the question being asked. It will be aligned with a journalism interest and show some experience on your part.

Graduate / Review my SOP for my application to German university in Computational Engineering. [3]

I am not sure if there was a prompt provided and information required for this SOP from the university. Some universities treat the SOP as a specific application essay with information requirements. Since you did not provide any of those requirements, I will take it to mean that you are expected to present a standard SOP essay. My review of your work will be based on those standard requirements.

The essay comes across more as a wistful pondering of your past, present, and future rather than a statement of purpose that address your current academic, technical, and career oriented goals. The biographical content of the first half is what would dissuade the reviewer from proceeding with this reading. There needs to be some major content and presentation changes done if this essay is to be usable to your application.

You can start with opening the essay with a clear declaration of your purpose in enrolling in this course. You may give a general overview of your current career duties, responsibilities, along with future career goals, all of which shall culminate in the final sentence which clearly indicates your professional purpose for studies. After that, the next paragraph should discuss the foundational academic background that you have. Rather than presenting an academic biography though, it would be better if you focused the discussion on how your thesis presentation in your senior year helped you strengthen your interest in research. A masters degree student must be studious and willing to put in the time to do research to complete the masters thesis. Therefore, the universities screen the applicants based upon the strength of their previous research participation. It will be most helpful should you be able to present a work related research task as well. While it will help that your previous thesis be proof of previous training and learning that will help you become a successful masters student, it is not a requirement. All the reviewer needs to know is that you have adequate research skills to complete the tasks ahead of you.

Try to indicate some professional highlights in your purpose statement. Those achievements will further help to strengthen the idea that you are a person who has been training most of your professional life to achieve your short term career goals. Mention the short term career goals covering a span of 5 years at the most. That way the reviewer can better relate your academic needs with your career requirements and be convinced that you are on the right track career-wise. It will also help to further define the kind of career that you hope to thresh out for yourself upon your completion of the course.

Make sure to expand on your proficiency in German as a part of the purpose for your desire to study in Germany. Not only will this impress the reviewer, but it will also imply that you cannot complete your masters education in any other country because of your desire to improve your German language skills. Something that will come in handy when you make it as a student to their university. For all intents and purposes, your ability to speak German will make you stand out among the other applicants who do not speak German. Make it clear that because you have a language certification in that language, you would like to not only complete a masters course, but also gain a higher level of certified proficiency in the language. The language proficiency will ensure that you cannot fail as a student who will be taught in a German language setting. Professionally, by knowing how to speak German on a highly proficient level, you will be looking forward to representing your company's interests in Germany or with German participants in the business in your home country. Always make sure your reasons and purpose go back to the career objectives. That will present a full circle discussion for you purpose.

Basically, the essay that you wrote would make an excellent personal statement. It won't really work as a statement of purpose because of some information shortcomings but those can easily be addressed by writing a more comprehensive essay for this application.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] About success: Some people are born with talents, however some are taught [5]

This is a comparative essay discussion that did not ask you to come up with a conclusive personal opinion. The original prompt instruction for the discussion was simply:

Discuss both ideas by giving your opinion.

Therefore, it was incorrect for you to use the following as the thesis statement:

These two viewpoints are partly right in specific contexts.

An example of a more appropriate thesis statement would have been:

Having wondered myself about how talent is best developed, I have decided that it is time for me to reflect on these ideas on general terms, without supporting a specific aspect of the discussion.

If you were to better score in the GRA section of this essay, you should have used more first person pronouns while discussing the topic sentences. You did that successfully in the second body paragraph. You should have been more consistent in the presentation by doing it throughout. From the first body paragraph all the way to the conclusion.

Good work on the essay. Although you could have stuck to more modern examples using personal knowledge and left Mozart out of the discussion (for cohesiveness and coherence) the essay shows that you partly understood the prompt requirements and discussed it in an almost accurate manner. Keep writing, you can only get better from here.

Research Papers / Essay "Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy and the Improved Safety in Football" [2]

Regarding the way that you wrote the essay, it is important that you focus the information on a singular field of interest. the singular field will help strengthen your overall essay because you will have a uniform essay presentation. For the history part, you aren't really being clear about the history of concussions. You have to focus not on the history of concussion in spots, but the history of concussion in Football.

At this point I will have to stop and ask you to choose one between two fields that have a high rate of concussion. Now, I feel that concussion in sports have been reviewed to the point of tiresomeness. All the information regarding concussion in sports and football have been extensively studied. However, it has not been adequately covered in relation to military injuries, which are often more serious and fatal than sports concussions. By choosing the less reviewed subject, you will be getting new, interesting, and sometimes, unexpected information that can help inform the reader in a new manner.

Your citations are well referenced in the essay but the paraphrase or quotes are missing. If the quotes are there, then you did not format it properly because as I read the paper, it appeared that you were constantly doing paraphrases in the essay. However, it is hard to figure out which is the paraphrase and which is the self-reflection. You may want to revise the presentation to be clearer about that.

In reference to your self-reflection, I don't really get a sense of you having a personal interest in the research. You are mostly just restating or quoting information in paragraph after paragraph. There are no personal opinions. Personal analysis, objections to the information, and similar information that can prove a self-reflective stance on the topic.

Scholarship / How you can apply the knowledge and experience gained from your study time in Sweden? [3]

Open with the current second paragraph. It has a very strong response as to how you would apply your knowledge and skills learned in Sweden once you return to your home country. The first paragraph is confusing in presentation so you will need to revise it before you use it as your new second paragraph. From the first paragraph information, try to pick the stronger of the two fields that you will opt to work in upon your return. Then revise the topic sentence and content to focus on your plans to present your new technical skills to. Don't forget to mention what specific problem you plan to address by the development of your skills and knowledge. It is important that you revise this statement to become a one paragraph presentation. You don't really need to make it extremely long and detailed. Just make sure to clearly present the short version with a summary of details regarding its application in your workplace.

Writing Feedback / Computer technology vs Maintaining public libraries [4]

You failed to understand the discussion method required by the essay. While this is a personal opinion essay, it is not to be discussed in a comparison form. The instructions are clear. This is an extent degree essay. That means, the paraphrase should include a clear stand with a sense of support intensity for the topic. You flipped the discussion around to become a comparative essay instead. Let me clearly point out the mistake in your understanding below:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
YP: I do believe that public libraries still play an important part of our lives.

The OP is asking you to write about how much you agree or disagree with the given statement. In your prompt response, you indicated instead a belief regarding why libraries cannot be replaced by the internet. Hence the mistake in Task Accuracy. You have shown that you do not understand English enough to be able to follow the given discussion instruction. The topic for discussion in this essay is:

OT: Maintaining public libraries is a waste of money
YT: ... public libraries still play an important part of our lives.

Even though you mentioned the budget in your first sentence of the prompt paraphrase, the rest of the message of your introduction doesn't follow the essence of the original prompt. The main discussion consideration is how much it costs to maintain a library as opposed to an internet based library. It has nothing to do with the importance or non-importance of a physical library.

Your body of paragraphs do not relate to the amount of money required to maintain a physical library, which was the original discussion topic. So the essay did not even manage to properly discuss the required topic. I am sorry but I believe this essay will not get a Task Accuracy score better than a 1 because the response is completely unrelated to the task. With that possible score, it will be impossible for you to get an overall passing score.

Scholarship / Global Scholarship under Lund University Masters in International Development and Management [2]

Without the prompt requirement for this essay, I am unable to provide a comprehensive review of the content and the validity of your presentation. The scholarships usually provide a prompt requirement for the student to respond to in accordance with the application requirements. Without it, I am at a loss as to figure out which parts of this essay are required and what can be removed. To top it off, you have written 546 words in this essay, which makes it an extremely long scholarship essay. You will need to review the prompt requirements for the scholarship and make sure that you edit this version for relevance and length. The essay is too wordy, regardless of what prompt it is responding to. This should be simplified to a maximum of 5 paragraphs. Any scholarship essay can be answered precisely by that paragraph count.

Writing Feedback / "Why you should drink wine daily" a proposal essay. [2]

The proposal should offer an idea into how the topic will be discussed. This should be a compare and contrast essay that veers on the support of alcohol as a part of a healthy diet. The thesis statement in the essay requires more work and clarity. A background regarding how and why wine got a negative reputation would help create a more solid background for the discussion. Remember that wine has a historically positive point of view as a health tonic during ancient times. It is the ancient health beliefs that led to the discovery of the modern health benefits of wine. Then present a solid thesis statement that aims to prove the health benefits of drinking a moderate amount of wine.

Look at the way that you present the essay. You have way too many in-text citations in the essay which do not provide any information as to the source of the quote or paraphrase. You need to explain to the reader who the quote is from, why the position of this person make him an authority on the topic, and then explain your own reasons for supporting this piece of information. Try to avoid using quotes so you can focus on explaining your understanding of the information instead, while also building the authenticity and authority of the information source.

As a proposal essay, you have to present information that is up to date, accurate, and from verified / authoritative sources. I can't be sure about the references you are using in this essay because you did not include a reference list. Your sources seem to be authoritative at some points, but questionable for the most part because of the lack of proper in-text citations and introduction to the person.

The essay has potential. It is on the right track when it comes to persuading the reader to at least consider the health benefits of wine. While there is still a long research and discussion process involved in the finalizing of this paper, it has the kind of foundation that can be worked with to show improvement as more information is added to the research.

Writing Feedback / Living alone is trending, do you think it is positive or negative [5]

Since you did not upload the complete prompt, it will be impossible to assess your full compliance with the discussion instructions. What I can do, is offer you a general review of your ability to follow British English grammar rules. I am assuming that this essay was written for a Task 2 IELTS test which is why it will be reviewed using British English guidelines.

Review your word capitalization rules. The pronoun "I" is always capitalized. It is never written in lowercase when referring to a statement made by the writer or when used at the beginning of a sentence. It is not capitalized when used in the spelling of everyday words.

Be careful when spelling words. If possible, type your essays in MS Word so that you can get an indicator of the words that have been misspelled. With 8 misspelled words, severe LR deductions will affect your final score. Additionally, remember to hit the space bar after every full stop. Deductions for the GRA section will be applied accordingly. Punctuation placements are critical to the increase of your scores.

Word choice errors exists as in "beside" meaning next to and "besides" which means "aside from". Familiarize yourself with subject verb agreements as you have shown errors in that area (is = are). Give great thought to the words that you use. Make sure the meaning connotes exactly what you mean (fell=Feel).

Please provide the complete information for the prompt the next time you post here. It is hard to review your essay when the topic and discussion instruction is unclear to the reviewer.

Graduate / Kindly Review my Personal Statement for a Masters in Cybersecurity at Sheffield Hallam Uni [4]

Even at 1000 words, this essay is way too long and over detailed for it to maintain the interest of the reviewer. Are you submitting this online? If you are, do you know what the word cap for the online form is? Kindly find out what the cap is so that you can edit the content of your essay to meet the cap requirement. Otherwise, you may not be able to submit the form online.

As for the content, you are too long to respond to all the questions. Summarize the information about your background and everything else. You need to try and present all of the information within 500-750 words at the most. That is the acceptable word count for most online and offline application forms. The idea is to use bullet points, outlines, and summaries to help increase the interest in your response and also, make it easier for the reviewer to scan the page and immediately see the responses to the questions. At this point, the essay is coming across as an academic and professional biography, which will not be very good for your application. You don't have to outline your academic and professional career at every step. Only the historical information is important. Not the whole quest.

My advice is, take the 1000 word essay and edit it for content. Use bullet points to highlight your academic and career accomplishments, Use the paragraph form essay for all other response requirements. That is the best way to present such a meticulous response statement. Don't break it down into sections. Work towards developing an essay that the reviewer will appreciate reading because boredom will not set in. Remember, you need to get him to be interested in you within the first 2 paragraphs. If you don't, he is going to move on to the next applicant, who may successfully done just that.

Writing Feedback / School, Education, Society - [IELTS Writing task 2] [4]

It is unfortunate that you misunderstood the discussion requirements for this essay. You mistook the measured response essay for an advantage - disadvantage essay. This can clearly be seen when you compare the two discussion instructions side by side:

OP: To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
YP: My view is that even the distance - learning programs is tending to popular, but its benefits cannot overweight than attending school.

As you can see, the proper response for this essay would have been something like:

I fully agree with this statement and will support this stance by presenting several acceptable reasons.

So the TA score for this essay is somewhere within the 3 bracket. That is because the TA does not properly apply itself to the prompt instructions. You changed the prompt discussion requirements and ended up doing a comparison discussion within the body of the paragraphs. All of which combined to immensely bring down your TA score. As such, it will be difficult for you to reach the passing score of 5 with this kind of work.

As it is, you still failed to properly explain your reasoning sentences within the paragraphs. The lack of proper explanation resulted in what I believe would be an additional score of 3 when it comes to the rest of the scoring requirements. The vocabulary is simple and often adequate for the sentence, but still, the lack of clarity in the discussion paragraph is a problem with your work.

Overall, you really did not do a very good job at addressing the task. I guess this is your first time writing this type of essay. You should look at other examples of this type of discussion that are readily available at this forum. It should help you better understand how to respond to this type of discussion should you come across this type of presentation again.

Writing Feedback / Magical Tool - [IELTS ACADEMIC-WRITING TASK 2] MUSIC'S EXTRAORDINARY ABILITIES [3]

Good work. This type of writing could very well land you within the 6 band score based on the following reasons:

- The TA presentation was pretty good. However, you forgot to indicate the inclusion of culture in a stand alone sentence within the paragraph. The paraphrase should be at least 3 sentences long

- You present good general ideas. What you have to do is learn to limit the ideas you present in the paragraph so that you can explain yourself better in the paragraph. Practice using one topic sentence in a paragraph. One topic sentence at the start, then use 3 sentences to explain the topic. Doing so will help boost the C&C score for the paragraph.

- There is a heavy focus on age in the discussion. A balanced presentation would have used one paragraph for the age discussion and the second one for the culture discussion. Separating the discussion topics per paragraph would have resulted in a more highly developed discussion, resulting in a higher C&C and GRA score.

- The vocabulary you used is simple enough to get your messages across. However, the lack of proficiency in developing the sentence presentations limits your ability to use a good mix of simple and complex sentences. Your vocabulary needs some development though. There are some word usage presentations that do not fit well in the presentation. That should improve as you progress with your language lessons and writing exercises. Increase your sentence composition exercises so that you can increase your GRA score.

Based on these observations, you should have a good idea of what writing areas you need to improve upon. I am confident that you will continue to increase your scores as you progress with your exercises and language proficiency classes.